Archive of Our Own ^beta

first. he touches you and you light on fire. your wrist blazes where his fingers meet your skin, the burns don’t show, but it’s hard to breathe with ash in your lungs. it’s so hard to breathe, you’re suffocating daily.

The first time it happens, Finn almost passes out.

Poe grabs his wrist and drags him through the fields of D’Qar, insistent on showing him “his favorite spot to see all the stars” because “you’d love it so much, Finn, I know you would,” and the spot where his hand is begins to burn. At first it’s just like a spark of electricity, and Finn thinks he’s imagining it, but then the burning become more hot and more insistent and Finn is so much more aware of how much it hurts—

And then Poe lets go and his wrist is cold, colder than it’s ever been.

Unbelieving, Finn checks his wrist, certain that a mark was left— because how could something that hurt so much not leave a mark?— but it’s still smooth and dark, just as it’s always been.

Poe’s talking as he spreads the blanket he’s brought on the ground, but Finn can barely hear him. He’s staring at his wrist, and there’s a sudden tightness in his chest as emotions he can’t even begin to process overwhelm him, almost as if it’s filing up with ash, and suddenly, he can’t breathe— it’s so hard to breathe, he’s suffocating, he’s sure of it—

“Finn?”

He snaps his head up, and the ash is gone, he can breathe again. Poe is there, sitting on the blanket, his eyes wide with concern. Finn’s wrist feels normal again, not hot or cold, and it’s as if nothing had ever happened.

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

Finn forces a sheepish smile and shrugs. “Maybe?”

Poe smiles. “Right. Let me start over, then.”

He launches into a story about heroes and constellations, and Finn goes to sit down next to him. They lie and watch the stars for God knows how long while Poe talks about myth after myth, and every time his hand brushes against Finn’s, he feels a spark of electricity, and Finn tries ever so hard to ignore the warm feeling that resonates throughout his chest.

— — —

second. it hurts to watch him. he shines. he’s brighter than the sun, he’s too beautiful for your eyes. it’s hard to look at him. it’s harder to look away from whim. you’re going blind.

Finn finds himself studying Poe whenever he can. There’s something special about the way his smile can suddenly brighten the entirety of the Resistance base, the way his messy hair or dirty flight suit only accentuates his beauty.

One day in particular, after one of Finn’s physical therapy sessions, he spots Poe in the hangar working on Black One and talking to BB-8. He’s grinning, his curls are flying, and there’s a streak of oil on his cheek. Finn stands at the entrance go the hangar, watching him and trying to ignore the way his heart flutters.

Everything about Poe is radiant, Finn realizes. The pilot practically glows with happiness. Finn actually squints, because it seems as if Poe’s getting brighter by the minute, and Finn almost wants to look away because it’s so hard to look at him, but it’s even harder to look away, and he feels like he’s going blind.

— — —

third. your ears are tuned to his voice. you could pick him out in a sea of thousands. his voice makes pretty singers who sing pretty songs sound dull. his voice makes everything else sound ugly.

Music was a luxury Finn never experienced in the First Order. Once he had reached the Resistance, and once there had been free time, Poe had sat him down and showed Finn his collection. Almost every song Poe played had a story, whether it was about his time in the Resistance or a reminder of his mom, who had died when he was young.

Poe had refused to ever sing for him, claiming he could kill a block of people with how bad his voice was. Finn had always laughed and shaken his head, teasing that Poe couldn’t have been that bad.

How right he had been.

Finn catches him one night, when he goes to Poe’s room to collect him for dinner. The door is cracked open, and before Finn enters, he hears a soft voice singing lowly along to a scratchy track. It’s mesmerizing, the voice, and Finn stands there, swaying, lost in the unfamiliar melody.

Poe catches him after a couple verses, and Finn has to shake himself out of his trance and pretend to be outraged with Poe for never singing for him. The pilot laughs and blushes, and after some insistence, sings the entire song for Finn.

After that night, every other song sounds ugly.

— — —

fourth. the color of his eyes is blue enough to drown in. he is turning you into a clichéd love-wrecking being. you’re drowning, always sinking, down, down, down.

Finn has read the cliché about how one could drown in blue eyes, that they were the color of the sea and incomparable to any other color.

He has to disagree, though, because Poe’s eyes are brown, and they are the most beautiful eyes in the entire world.

He finds himself lost in them, sometimes. Whenever Poe faces the sun, his eyes become a kaleidoscope of dark and light browns, and it’s captivating. Finn’s definitely missed some important mission information because he’s been too busy watching the way Poe’s eyes catch the light. He really hopes no one’s noticed.

(The General definitely has. She just rolls her eyes and repeats herself.)

— — —

fifth. you know him. you love him. through a thousand lifetimes, across millions of stars, you’d find him, you’d never leave him. you love him, ‘till death do you part.

Finn thinks he always knew he loved Poe, so he doesn’t know why it’s now so difficult to admit to himself. 

Finn’s spine isn’t completely healed when Poe is assigned a reconnaissance mission on some First Order base that the Resistance has recently discovered. It's routine, and the pilots are under strict orders to not engage in combat, but Finn's stomach lurches at the idea of something happening to Poe on a mission so minuscule as this one. Finn won't be there to watch his back. 

He rushes out to the hangar the moment he finds out, Poe's squadron already prepping their ships and supplies. Poe is just coaxing BB-8 into his spot in Black One when he spots Finn from across the hangar. 

Finn walks over, hands in his pockets. 

They're face to face when Finn opens his mouth to speak and then realizes he has no idea what to say. Poe saves him, though, as always. 

"Just recon," Poe says lightly. "Don't worry." 

"I'm not worried," Finn says.

(They both know it's a lie.)

Silence overtakes them both again. Poe's eyes aren't sparkling. They're solemn, and Finn's heart aches. He wants to say something, anything, because there's no such thing as a low-risk mission when it comes to the First Order and Finn knows that better than anyone, but for the life of him, he can't figure out what to say. 

(Or maybe he does. He just doesn't how to say it.)

Poe seems to pick up on this, and simply pulls Finn into hug. Some unspoken thing seems to be understood by the both of them.

Finn holds Poe close to him, clutching his flight suit's material in his hands and burying his face into Poe's shoulder. Poe's arms tighten slightly around Finn's shoulders and they just stand there for a moment, the crowded flight hangar buzzing with activity around them. Finn is vaguely aware of the fact that Poe needs to leave soon and there are tons of people around them, but he just focuses on the way Poe feels and smells and breathes. Everything else seems tuned out. It's just him and Poe and this unspoken thing that never needed words but has always been there. 

— — —

Poe thinks about the first time he met Finn, sometimes.

Between the disorient from the torture, stealing a TIE fighter and shooting back at the First Order, and crashing onto Jakku, Poe’s memories had blurred together in jumbles. He remembers one thing clearly, though: the sound of Finn’s whoops of joy and laughter as they made their escape.

Finn’s laughter is the most beautiful sound the world.

Every so often Poe thinks he catches Finn staring at him, but he brushes it off and blames his imagination. There’s no way he actually is.

Poe stares at Finn sometimes, though, when he’s not looking. Everything about him is wonderful. His smile, his eyes, his laugh. Every detail of Finn makes Poe’s stomach flip.

He’s beautiful, and he doesn’t even know it.

Poe can never tell him, obviously. Finn is too good for a damaged, reckless Resistance pilot. Finn is brave and kind and smart and so fucking loyal Poe’s afraid it might kill him one day.

For now, he’ll settle for fleeting glances and small touches, like long hugs or fingers brushing. He’ll settle for late nights telling stories and confessing dark secrets and watching the stars. He’ll settle for loving Finn from afar.

(sixth. he loves you, too.)