Chapter Text
The following couple of months weren’t bad, to Keith’s surprise. It wasn’t a dramatic difference, but he had less disciplinary problems. Iverson stopped getting on Keith’s ass over every miniscule problem he had-- which Shiro was grateful for. Iverson tended to complain to him about Keith’s problematic attitude whenever they had down time and found each other in the same room. Because Keith no longer screwed up every simulation, his classmates stopped antagonizing him. They went back to ignoring his existence. Keith couldn’t have asked for more.
He still had his constants. He had Shiro and Adam, no matter how disgusting and embarrassing their public displays of affections were. Despite the heaviness of Keith’s chest every time he saw Shiro smile at Adam with blinding love, he was happy for them. He really was. As long as he could still ride with Shiro on their new hoverbikes, or play board games with Adam, or snuggle up on Adam’s worn couch and make sarcastic jabs at the T.V as they watched another cheesy rom-com, Keith was happy. But he couldn’t help but hate it all at the same time.
Peanut Boy was still there. Keith didn’t know why he didn’t lose interest in him after the fight with James blew over, but Peanut Boy never seemed to find it boring to go up to Keith during their free time and talk his ear off. He didn’t pay attention most of the time, but sometimes he would catch words that interested him like “dangerous", “mission to space”, and “flying”. Keith would then contribute to the previous one-sided conversation with half hearted comments, and Peanut’s blue eyes would get distractedly large.
One day, after a particularly hard training session, Keith was hanging outside the teacher’s lounge, waiting for Shiro. There was a bulletin board hanging outside with various news and announcements and a paper with the latest class ranks for the cadets. Keith skimmed the list, skipping over his own name-- of course he was first in the class, of course James was second-- disinterested in the others. If you asked him to name everyone in their class using their pictures, he would look at you blankly. The only person he could name was James. In a couple of years he would never see these people ever again, so what was the point of playing nice and knowing their names?
Someone tapped him on the shoulder once he got to the end of the list-- some kid named Lance something. Keith glanced to the side, grunting his equivalent of a hello. Peanut was standing next to him, nervously scratching his neck. There was a soft blush on his face, and he was smiling.
“Oh, it’s you,” Keith said, turning back to the list.
“Yeah, me.” His voice lacked the usual bravado and enthusiasm. Keith glanced at him again. “Um, how’s it going?”
He shrugged.
“So, uh, it’s great that Iverson isn’t yelling at us anymore,” Peanuts grinned, although it wasn’t as genuine as usual. “D’ya think that he’s going to give us easier assignments?”
Keith shrugged again. “Getting easier assignments isn’t gonna make you improve your flying. You’ll be demoted to cargo class if you don't even try the hard assignments.”
Peanut’s blush deepened. “Yeah, of course! I definitely wasn’t-- well, I was just asking for m-my friend--um.” He dropped his gaze, nervousness emanating off of him. “I guess it’s just frustrating since you’re the best at flying and I’m just….average at best.”
Keith felt bad for Peanuts, in an odd sort of way. He didn’t know him all that well-- hell, he didn’t even know his first name-- but there was something about him that reminded Keith he wasn’t a total asshole. He wanted to make him feel better, but he wasn’t Shiro or Adam. He couldn’t talk to people. Chewing his bottom lip, Keith put a hesitant hand on Peanut’s shoulder. The smaller boy jumped, eyes wide and blinking rapidly.
“Uh, wh-what-?” He stuttered.
“Don’t give up,” he said rather awkwardly. His mouth was making words and he wasn’t going to stop it. “You’re not as skilled as me, but if you’re in the Garrison, it’s for a reason. You didn’t make it here by chance or dumb luck. You must have some skills in that skinny body of yours.”
Peanuts frowned at him in confusion. “Was that a compliment or….?”
“It’s a compliment,” Keith interrupted. “I think. Just don’t worry about it.”
“Easy for you to say,” Peanuts muttered. “You’re Keith Kogane, you can do anything.”
Keith thought back to Adam and Shiro, gazing at each other as if they were the only ones in the room. Not everything. “Look, how about this? If you can get even a hundred points close to my simulation scores, then I will--” He silently panicked, unsure what to say. What did Peanuts like? Wait, no. Keith knew absolutely nothing about the small boy. In that case, what would anyone want as a reward for not dropping into the cargo class? He once again thought back to Shiro, the only positive influence Keith had in his life since his dad died, and of all the things they did together. The things Keith wouldn’t trade for the world. “If you can get at least a hundred points close, then I’ll let you ride with me on my hoverbike.”
“You have a hoverbike?” Peanuts asked, awed, because you had to sixteen to get a licence. “That’s amazing.”
Keith nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah. And I’ll let you ride it only if your scores improve.”
Peanuts nodded, grinning like the sun. “Yeah, sure! I’ll do you one better, I’ll beat your scores without trying.”
He shrugged. “I’d like to see you try, Peanuts.”
“Oh, I’ll try alr-- wait, what?”
Thankfully, before Keith could unbury himself from the hole he fell into, someone called his name. Shiro was standing down the hall with a weird smile on his face, arms full of papers and textbooks. Keith’s face brightened at him and he hurried towards Shiro without second thoughts about the Peanut Boy with blue eyes.
“Finally, you’re ready.”
Shiro laughed at Keith’s eagerness, which made the dark-haired boy immediately scowl. “Why’re you laughing for?”
“No reason,” Shiro promised. “I've just never seen you so happy.”
“Can’t I be glad to see you?” Keith muttered, stuffing his hands into his sweatshirt. They weren’t allowed to wear other articles of clothing other than their uniforms, but Keith was cold and didn’t give two shits about the rules.
Shiro smiled at him, eyes distant and hard to read. “Who was that boy you were talking to? A friend?”
Keith glanced back at Peanuts, who was trying desperately and failing not to stare at them. “No, not really. I was just trying to get him to try harder on the assignments.”
Shiro gasped. “Keith Kogane? Being nice to a fellow student without being forced? Are you feeling okay?”
He frowned, although he couldn’t help his cheeks from warming a little. “Oh, shut up. I think you’re rubbing off of me and I hate it.”
Shiro laughed again and Keith took another peek at Peanuts, who was still watching them.
So yeah, Peanut Boy was also a constant in Keith’s life, and not exactly a bad one.
And then there was James.
Out of all the changes and constants in Keith’s life, James was the most confusing. They weren’t exactly friends, but there was nothing else to describe them. Rivals didn’t quite cut it. No matter how many arguments and competitions they had, there wasn’t any real fire in them.
There was some kind of intensity Keith couldn't put his finger on. He had the unfortunate habit of pushing against everything and everyone. He pushed against the Garrison, against the teachers, against the other cadets, against Shiro. Whenever he pushed, the Garrison let it happen, creating more cracks between them. When he pushed against Shiro, he stood tall and impassable, making it impossible to move. And whenever he pushed against Adam, the aspiring teacher would just taunt Keith enough to make him give up.
But James, he pushed back. He pushed back and hard, just enough to keep Keith interested. Enough to make him look at James a little longer. When Keith snapped at him, as he was apt to do, James would snap back with his own heat. If Keith yelled, James would yell even louder. But he was also so very, very, very gentle. And Keith didn’t understand that.
When they were sprawled on James’ dorm room floor (his roommate dropped out a few month after the year started for mysterious reasons), homework spread between them, Keith would see a new side to James that he never thought existed. Their weird tradition of studying with each other started when Shiro and Adam were having one of their romantic dates, and Keith needed help with a difficult question, and he found himself walking towards James’ dorm. For James credit, he didn’t question Keith’s presence. He didn’t turn him away, and since that day, they just gravitated towards each other when it came to getting schoolwork done.
But while James was serious and stern about getting perfect grades and improving, he never laughed at Keith for not getting the more complicated equations down. He explained everything in a gentle tone Keith had only ever heard Shiro use, he gave Keith space to fume when he didn’t get the answer he wanted, and more than that, he smiled at Keith.
When he finally figured out a hard equation, James would give Keith a gentle smile, his eyes would crinkle on the sides, and Keith’s heart would start beating really fast. James never smiled like this in class.
And sometimes, when they had free time, they would sneak onto the roof during lunch (because Keith didn’t like eating with the other students and James would always look anxious when they were seen together) and just talk. They talked about the teachers, the school assignments, their dreams, aspirations, and favorite movies. And Keith would find himself warming up to the other boy, despite his earlier preconceptions, so when James would turn to stare and smile at him, Keith would smile back. Tentatively.
It was fine. It was all fine. There wasn't a clear cut line for what they were right now, but Keith at least knew what to expect. All of that went down the drain when James kissed him.
They were writing notes down from their textbooks, the room quiet except for the flip of papers and pencils scratching down flying maneuvers. Keith was laying on his stomach, teeth gnawing the ends of his pencil. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and looked up. James, who was studying on the bottom bunk, was staring at him, face pink. They didn't say a word. There was a pull that started from deep in Keith’s gut, and he wasn't sure if it was unpleasant. It forced him to watch James, to notice how bright his eyes were, or how distractedly pink his lips were when he licked them, or how, when he tilted his head slightly to the side, his hair fell into his eyes and they gave him a look that made Keith shiver.
He licked his lips, wanting to say something because he wasn't used to this weird energy between them, and he saw James follow his tongue’s movements.
Keith opened his mouth but James beat him to it. “I think your mullet is dumb.”
He blinked. The words were a challenge and a question all rolled into one. Except Keith didn't know what the question was. So he stayed silent, as James slowly slid down from his bed to the floor. Keith’s heart started doing jumping jacks in his chest.
“And your face is stupid.” He inched closer, face unreadable.
“And your voice is grating.” And closer.
“And your personality sucks.” He was closer, close enough to touch, close enough for Keith to count the flecks in his eyes.
“And I can't stop thinking about you.” They were close enough to share the same breath, now. The gap between them felt miles wide and electric, and while Keith had a sort of clue as to what James wanted, he didn't know how to confirm it for himself.
“Yeah?” Keith asked in half a breath, voice rough and low. James eyes were hooded, his mouth was slightly parted, and Keith had a strange urge to touch them to see if they were really as soft as they looked.
“Keith, I--” But instead of finishing, James surged forwards and pressed his lips to Keith.
Whenever Keith was in any sort of trouble, he always went to Shiro first. Rather it was because he mouthed off to a teacher, stole a government-sanctioned vehicle, or kissed back his sort-of rival, Shiro always knew what to do. So immediately after, Keith snuck out of the Garrison dorms and ran to Shiro’s apartment, face red and chest heaving. No one answered so Keith broke in using a crowbar he kept hidden (it wasn't the first time this had happened so it was fine).
He curled up on the couch, face pressed to his knees, and practiced breathing in and out. He was still waiting for the Universe to reveal that it was all a big cosmic joke, but nothing happened. He stewed in silence for a while, turning the event over and over in his head. His stomach soured.
Shiro found him in the same position a while later. Keith wasn't sure how long he had been there, but his fingers were numb and there was a Keith shaped-hole in the couch. Shiro, for his part, didn't look surprise. After the fourth time, he began to accept the fact that Keith would break into his house forever.
“What happened?” Shiro asked, in that kind, yet annoying, paternal way of his.
Keith rolled to the side so that there was enough space for Shiro to sit down and pat his head awkwardly. “I'm fucked,” he responded.
“Language.”
He turned to look at Shiro. “I might need to change my name and move out of the country.”
Shiro raised an eyebrow, half-amused and half-concerned. “What did you do? Do I need to bail you out of anything?”
Keith thought back to James’ chapped lips and the taste of his mouth, and fought back a shiver. “I didn't do anything,” he muttered, glaring at the wall. “It's his fault.”
“Did you get into another fight? Keith, I told you the next it happened, Iverson was going to--”
“It wasn't a fight,” he interrupted. “Someone kissed me.”
Shiro was silent. When Keith looked up, the older man’s eyebrows were drawn down in a confused furrow. He opened his mouth then closed it. He was so utterly flabbergasted that it would have been funny if Keith’s future wasn't in peril. Finally, he stuttered out a disbelieving, “What?”
“I don't know myself. One minute, I was studying, the next, I found lips on mine!”
“That's--” Shiro struggled to find the words. “Great? W-was it nice? Was she cute?”
Keith gave him a strange look. “It was a boy.”
Shiro, the same man who pretty much lived at his boyfriend’s house and sang cheesy love songs to him when he was drunk, seemed even more shocked to find out it was a boy. “A-a boy? What did you-- what did you do?”
Wasn't it obvious? “I kissed him back.”
“You kissed him--” Shiro pulled away from him, panicking. “Oh god, are you coming out to me? I wasn't prepared for this, I was going to make a PowerPoint and order t-shirts and buy a Pride mug for you and--”
“Shiro! Calm down! I don't even know what you're talking about!” In all honesty, Shiro was scaring him a little.
He relaxed. Slightly. “Right. Right.” He nodded, as if affirming something to himself. “That's fine. Adam and I didn't screw up yet. We have time to make a cake.”
Keith threw up his hands in exasperation. “Do you want to help me or not?”
“No, yeah, I do! I just need to process things. I never imagined someone….liking you. No offense.”
“None taken.”
They were silent for a few seconds, musing over everything. Keith pressed a hesitant finger to his lip. It was cold now, but he could still feel the phantom kiss. His cheeks warmed.
“Do you….” Shiro stopped and glanced at him. “Do you mind me asking who it is?”
Normally, he would. But this was Shiro. He wouldn't mind, right? And who was to say James didn't blab to the whole school about their (barely a) makeout session already? This could all be an elaborate prank.
“James Griffin,” he muttered, wrapping his small arms around himself.
“James Gri-- the kid you punched?!?” Shiro exclaimed.
Keith nodded minutely.
“Clearly I missed a lot.”
Keith didn't respond. He remembered how awkward it was to fit their lips together, to find a perfect rhythm, but then James’ fingers ended up in Keith’s hair and Keith’s fingers found themselves cupping James’ cheeks and everything else fell away. He groaned buried his face into his hands.
“So, did you actually….like it?”
Keith looked up to give Shiro a “What the actual fuck?” look.
He shrugged helplessly. “I'm just trying to understand the situation! Why else would you break into my house and state that you’re fucked?!”
“I mean, obviously I--” His voice became really soft and slow. “Obviously, I liked it, I guess. I just don't know if he did.”
“But he kissed you first?”
“Yeah….” He trailed off ominously.
Shiro leaned back and stared at the ceiling. He chuckled. “This so weird. And here, I thought you had a crush on me.”
It took a minute for him to process the words. Keith yelped, jumping off the couch in panic, face red and heart beating a million miles an hour. “How d-did-- d-did Adam tell you?” He squeaked, voice cracking slightly.
Shiro gave Keith a confused look. “Adam knows?”
“Oh my God,” he said, covering his face to hide the mortification. “Oh my God.”
“To be fair, Keith, a lot of cadets have crushes on me. It's part of the hero worship that they're prone to do. I don't mind, I find it flattering. But I currently have a boyfriend.”
“Oh my God,” Keith repeated, before turning around and stomping to the door. “I can't do this.”
“Keith,” Shiro laughed, making no move to stop him, “wait!”
“Fuck off!”
“Language!”
He slammed the door shut.
What Keith didn't tell Shiro, and what he didn't want to remember, was the look James gave him when they finally pulled away. Keith was slowly coming down from the high every young boy had when they experienced their first kiss, and his face was flushed and open. He looked at James’ face, hoping to see the same shocked, yet hopeful expression.
But instead, James looked horrified, as if it had all been a mistake he wished he could take back. As if he regretted it. That had set Keith off, so he pushed James away and ran out the door, tears threatening to fall.
In that moment, he knew, James was going to break his heart.
“A bit dramatic, don't you think?” Adam laughed, lounging on his hospital bed. He looked relaxed and at peace.
Keith shrugged. “You can't blame me, I was a stupid and over dramatic child.”
He smiled slightly, glasses perched on his nose as if he didn't know how to wear them. “I always wondered how Takashi found out. I assumed you told him yourself. It explains why you couldn't look him in the eye for weeks.”
Keith nodded sharply, refusing to reminisce about the event. He cleared his throat. “Anyways, yeah. I always blamed him for what happened, because he was the one that first kissed me, but now that I'm older, I realize that it was also kind of my fault. What happened after, when we started hooking up and--” He frowned, looking down at his tightly clasped hands. “--and when Shiro left for Kerberos, I guess I--”
“You feel guilty about the way your relationship ended?” Adam suggested.
He nodded. “And began. And continued. I was angry when I left Earth, angry at the Garrison and at him. And then I spent more time around Lance and I forgot…..about James? I guess. I forgot the anger and helplessness."
“But now that you're back, all those earlier feelings are coming back?”
“But I also can't stop thinking about Lance, because after every thing that happened in space--” He pushed back when I pushed and I think I fell a little bit in love with his stupid pick-up lines. Keith shook away the thought. It didn't matter in the end because Lance had always liked people who were like Allura, people with long lashes, flowing hair, and boobs.
“You think you may have found someone else to break your heart.”
Keith paused. “Quiznack, you're good at this.”
“Quiz--what?”
Keith squinted at him. “How did you get so good, anyway? You always had the best advice.”
Adam huffed out a laugh. “I was a teacher, Keith, and a really popular one as well. I had to deal with a lot of relationship drama because students would come to me for advice. It might have been the glasses.”
They’re both silent for a while. Keith chewed on his bottom lip, a nervous habit he thought he kicked when he became the pilot of an ancient alien space weapon. “What do I do now?”
Adam sighed, stretching his hands behind his head and closing his eyes. “I think you already know, Romeo. The question is, who will be your Rosaline and who will be your Juliet?”
“And what about you? Who will you be?”
His lips lifted in a half-sardonic smile. “My goal is to be Benvolio and survive this damn play.”
“Then would that make Shiro Mercutio?”
Adam’s intense brown eyes flickered open. “I guess we both have problems to sort out.”
Outside of Adam’s room, Keith took a deep breath. Then began searching for a certain tan-skinned boy.