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Tahani is the last person who would call herself selfish. She so totally isn't, and she also isn't shallow no matter what Bridgette from the Gala says. She’s a kind, generous, amazing person. Really, she is.
And okay she may have made a promise to herself in tenth grade when she realized she was basically taller than all of the guys worth dating that she wouldn't date a guy shorter than her. It’s stupid, really, but it’s not because everybody has a preference and she just prefers guys who are taller than her.
That’s why she’s so disappointed that her soulmate is shorter than her. Like, really short. A ridiculous amount of short. Which sounds quite rude, but really Tahani could be a lot meaner. She could mention that he unironically wears crocs and cargo pants which, objectively speaking, may be useful with the amount of pockets it has, but stylistically speaking are a goddamn menace and should be burned. Along with crocs. Seriously, who wears crocs and cargo pants together?
Tahani is such a good person for not telling him these things. She should be given an award for how brave she is for not telling him that he looks like a mess. A short, short mess.
Whatever. It’s not like she actually likes the guy or anything so it shouldn't matter, but, like... if he is her soulmate then why is he so short?
The news that he isn't actually her soulmate is such a relief that she doesn't even mind that the news is coming from Eleanor. Who is super annoying by the way. She’s the best person in the entire world, apparently. Why does she get a sash? Tahani is probably nicer than she is, and she’s definitely better looking. Okay, so maybe Eleanor has a particular quality about her that Tahani can kind of see as appealing, but otherwise Tahani is way better looking. Eleanor is so short (Tahani would be lying if she said Eleanor’s height didn't work for her. She did look adorably pocket sized) and Tahani looks like a model. Plus, she’s rich and she raised six billion dollars for various charities.
What has Eleanor even done? Did she start a Go Fund Me for clowns or something? That’s the only explanation for that hideous clown painting hanging in her house.
Well, that and it being a weird torture thing Michael was messing around with. Which makes sense because clowns are terrifying.
And okay so maybe she deduced that they were in The Bad Place but Tahani could've done that too, and she knows she should be eternally grateful that Eleanor figured it out but she hates Eleanor because she’s rude and obnoxious and annoyingly hot and wait what—
Everything goes dark, and then Tahani wakes up in a lobby of sorts. Welcome! Everything is fine are what the giant letters on the wall read.
Strangely, the first sensation Tahani feels when she learns that Jason is actually a DJ from Florida and isn't a Buddhist Monk and is actually named Jason is relief. Nothing had clicked into place when she met Jason. She needed conversation to thrive. She needed it to put herself over as a charming person because her charm made people like her. That’s how she was able to make six billion dollars for various charities. She knew how to schmooze.
Jason just didn't fulfill her needs. Or her requirements as a soulmate.
Okay, so Tahani isn't shallow or anything like that. It’s just that, well, she prefers her men to be taller. Taller than her, specifically. Jason is not which doesn't bother Tahani per say. More like irks her. Constantly. Every time they’re together.
Maybe she’s awful for being so picky but, well, she’s in The Good Place so that means it’s okay. She’s just a person, after all. People like what they like.
Only she’s not in The Good Place she’s in The Bad Place so she’s actually an awful person. But so is Eleanor and Chidi and Jason so she’s clearly the least awful person of the group. Have you seen the amount of charity work she’s done?
And yeah maybe it was done with a not so good motive but does that negate the good she’s done? No, of course not. So really she should be in The Actual Good Place, and if her soulmate really is there then it wouldn't be Jason. No, if her soulmate really is there then it won't be someone like Jason. It’ll be someone like Eleanor who may get on her nerves and may flirt constantly but she’s pretty and smart and is getting better at being kind which is interesting because of her naturally abrasive personality and wait a second Eleanor would be her soulmate? No that quite frankly is ridiculous because Tahani doesn't even like Eleanor because she’s stupidly attractive and intriguing and kind of dumb socially speaking but she’s trying and maybe Tahani likes Eleanor which is a little mind boggling because it’s Eleanor—
Everything goes dark, and then Tahani wakes up in a lobby of sorts. Welcome! Everything is fine are what the giant letters on the wall read.
So Tahani likes Chidi. She does, it’s just that she doesn't like him in that way. The way where there’s a ton of butterflies in her stomach, and when he looks at her it feels like her heart is about to jump out of her chest. She likes Chidi, but she doesn't like like him. Which is preposterous because she should like him.
He’s just the type her parents would like. Morally responsible, intelligent, and attractive. Which Tahani thinks is a plus one, but he doesn't sweep her off her feet. In fact he spends most of his time sweeping Eleanor off her feet without really trying to. It’s frustrating because Tahani is trying. She likes Chidi, but Chidi likes Eleanor for some inexplicable reason. Tahani kind of gets it because Eleanor is not stupid and isn't ugly. Actually she’s really pretty and Tahani is jealous without actually being jealous. She isn't quite sure what she is, but she doesn't want to look like Eleanor but she’s very pretty. Besides, if she looked like Eleanor she couldn't really look at Eleanor, so.
Anyways, Eleanor is really pretty, and Tahani can't help but agonize over how good they look together. They’re close in height as opposed to Chidi and Tahani where one (Tahani) towers over the other (Chidi). It’s stupid that she likes Chidi so much, but can't seem to get over the height difference. Maybe she’s just being picky again. It’s not the first time it’s happened.
But really what isn't there to like about Chidi. He’s nice, stable, practical. That’s what Tahani needs. It’s what she wants. Right?
It’s not like she wants anybody else. It’s not like she wants, say, Eleanor Shellstrop. No, that would be ridiculous.
It’s not like she likes Eleanor of all people. No, Eleanor is infuriating, and thoughtless, and far too flirty for Tahani. She’s always got something to say about her legs or her breasts or her eyes or hair or anything about her. She always looks cute too, but not in the way that makes it look like she’s trying. No, she’s effortlessly attractive in a way that irritate Tahani because how can one person be that attractive.
Oh.
Maybe she does like Eleanor.
So Tahani doesn't date guys that are shorter than her. The same issue doesn't extend to women, though. Or maybe it just doesn't extend to Eleanor. It’s weird because she hasn't really dated anybody shorter than her. She likes it though. She likes looking down at Eleanor and seeing her girlfriend ( girlfriend! Isn't that neat?) smiling up at her with that devious glint in her eyes which Tahani fondly adores and also fondly hates because, like, can you chill out for once in your life?
“I don't date people shorter than me.” Tahani shares one night, arm wrapped tightly around Eleanor’s waist.
“Um, okay?” Eleanor rolls over to meet her eyes, squinting faintly in the dark. It’s late, almost two in the morning.
Tahani reaches over and turns a lamp on, soft light filling the room instantly. “I suppose I should elaborate.” Tahani mumbles, her heart flooding with affection at the sight of a sleepy Eleanor.
“Yeah, maybe.” Eleanor yawns, cuddling closer to Tahani.
“I dated guys exclusively before you.” Tahani tells her.
“Mhm. I remember.” Eleanor grins faintly, blinking to keep herself awake.
Tahani savors the sight of a sleep-soft Eleanor who isn't making suggestive comments or mentioning how attractive Tahani is in front of all their friends. It’s refreshing, if Tahani is being honest. “I wouldn't date guys who were shorter than me.” She braced herself for any hurtful comments on how shallow she is.
Instead Eleanor starts snickering. Tahani looks at her, amazement clear on her face. “I’m sorry, it’s just that, like, dude what?” Eleanor laughs, and Tahani relaxes.
“Yeah, it sounds kind of silly when I say it out loud. Looking back I realize it was just me trying to pretend the reason I didn't like boys was because of their height and not just me being gay.” Tahani leans back over, flicking the light off.
“Night, Tahani, you sexy skyscraper.” Tahani can hear Eleanor’s smile.
“Ugh.” Tahani groans in the darkness. “You’re lucky I love you.” Tahani freezes, heart stopping for a moment in her chest. Then she relaxes because it’s Eleanor, she’s safe with her. Emotionally, speaking. Eleanor brings trouble everywhere with her like it’s some kind of pet. Besides, she might not have heard it.
“Wait what?!” No such luck.
“Goodnight Eleanor.”