Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ravi woke suddenly, blinking into semi-darkness. Confused, he reached over and picked up his phone from the bedside table. 3.17 am, and there was no text, no missed call. No reason for him to be awake. Replacing the phone, he turned over and, closing his eyes, tried to make himself comfortable again.

A faint, slow knocking sounded on the wall just above his head. Startled, Ravi looked up, then, realising, reached out with one hand and splayed his fingers against the wall. Breathing slowly, evenly, he flattened his palm over the knocking, trying to send reassurance.

The sounds came further and further apart, until finally the last rap of knuckles against plaster sounded just above the pillow. Ravi left his hand in place for a few moments longer, letting the silence stretch out. When he was satisfied that everything on the other side was quiet, he brought his arm down and pulled the covers over himself.

As he slid towards sleep, a small smile playing on his lips, he thought drowsily, Goodnight, Leo.

Night after night, always around the same time. Knocking on the wall. Ravi, sleepy, reaching up to press his hand against it. The sound, slowing into silence. Ravi had no idea if what he did really made any difference, but he told himself that Leo, on the other side, could sense his attention, and that it soothed him somehow.

During the day, with everyone around, Leo never acknowledged what went on in the depths of the night. He remained quiet, self-contained, slightly abrasive when pushed to it by the antics of the others. Still, there were times when Ravi felt the pressure of his stare, and turned to him - only to see Leo quickly look down, or move away. Does he know I hear him? The idea affected him curiously, made him both happy and scared. He wanted to be there if he was needed, but there was so much at risk.

Because Ravi was keeping secrets. One secret, huge and potentially disastrous if it ever came to light. Almost certainly career-ending, but he thought he could survive that. The real risk was far more personal.

What they did, as a band, travelled into dark places. They embraced themes other groups steered well clear of - obsession, violence, even insanity. Abstracted into video and music, they played roles that flirted with the most private and taboo parts of the mind and the heart. It was bound to have an effect on them. It did. From the time they first heard a song, through concept design and finally filming, they felt it working on them, and each responded in their own way. Ravi had always been able to see it. Jaehwan often disappeared into his room for a few hours at a time, but when he returned he was, if anything, even more manic. Hongbin threw himself into it with an intense enthusiasm that scared the staff, but somehow allowed him to come out the other side, purged.

Leo, to Ravi, had always seemed the most deeply affected. Everything about him changed - his walk, his gestures, even, sometimes, his voice. Even so, he’d make himself fade into the background, except to Ravi. There was something haunted in Leo’s eyes at these times, and Ravi often found himself looking around to see the dark shadows under them that somehow never seemed to show up on camera. And he would wake, late at night, to the sound of Leo knocking on the wall, reaching out in the dark after what Ravi grew increasingly convinced were nightmares.

Ravi kept his own responses buried deep. He told himself it wasn’t denial, that he was just working things out in his own subconscious. He moved through the days the same as he always had, talking to fans and interviewers, joining in when the band recorded one of their slice of life videos. It was easier than he expected, and it was only when he was directed to make physical contact that he had to force himself, when all he wanted to do was retreat.

It wasn’t that he hated the idea. It was exactly the opposite. He wanted to touch, lightly, lovingly, to revel in the feel of another’s skin and hair. But he couldn’t let himself. It would reveal too much, isolate him. Because the one he wanted to touch was Leo, and while it had once been something he did without thinking, now he second-guessed every impulse.

He’d thought at first that it was just an after-effect of working so closely together as a sub-unit. Deliberately crafting themselves into two halves of one person had been intense and intimate for both of them. Everything about the concept threw them at each other - eye contact, physical contact, and the almost unbearable emotional connection during Beautiful Liar when they’d faced each other over Leo’s piano in the darkness. And that was before taking it on the road, where they couldn’t get away from the concept except at night when they finally collapsed.

They’d reacted in strange ways as the tension was woven between them. For Ravi, it had been sudden explosions of high excitement - talking too much, too fast, and possessed of a need to always keep moving, jumping, anything. By contrast, Leo withdrew into a silence so complete than sometimes the only thing that would bring him back was Ravi’s hand on his shoulder or the back of his neck. At first a little nervous of this power, Ravi came to relish his ability to make Leo turn and really see him. It wound him even tighter, but he craved it all the same, because he knew it wouldn’t last.

As they moved further from it, though, the feelings refused to die, and finally Ravi realised just how long it had been. Long before LR. Since Hyde, when they’d explored their dark sides, and found themselves completely out of their depth. Since his nearly uncontrollable surge of rage when the girl in their video reached for his hand, shocking him even as he knocked her away with more force than he’d meant to use. He’d apologised immediately, unable to explain his absolute need at that moment. And then he’d just stared, rooted to the spot, when Leo stalked onto the set like a great dark cat, long hair in his face and eyes almost as black as the makeup that surrounded them. Eyes that held his for one long moment.

He’d found his own dark side, what he most wanted, what he couldn’t say. And he’d buried it, disguised it as clowning around that gave him an excuse to touch. Because it wasn’t real if he was laughing like an idiot when he draped himself over Leo or took his hand. It was only when he was alone that he could drop the smile and tell himself, yet again, that this was all he would ever have.

And then Leo had started knocking on the wall. And Ravi could no more have ignored that than he could have stopped his own heart.

That was when he’d stopped thinking of him as Taekwoon, and even of himself as Wonshik. In his mind, they were only Leo and Ravi. Stage names, perhaps, but now connected to something deep, something exposed even as it hid behind these carefully constructed personae. When the others used them, they were just words, but to Ravi, the sound of his name spoken in Leo’s voice became something very like music.

*****

‘Wake up, Shikkie, wake up wake up wake up!’ Jaehwan, drumming on the door, yelling at the top of his voice. With a groan, Ravi reached out for the pillow beside him and clasped it firmly over his face, clutching the covers to him. He knew what was coming. Sure enough, the door flew open, banging against the wall, and the room was full of a Jaehwan practically bouncing with energy. To make matters worse, he was followed by Sanghyuk and Hongbin. There was clearly mischief in the air.

Ravi shifted the pillow just enough to allow his voice to be heard. ‘Go away. Bother someone else.’ Then a thought occurred to him. Jaehwan was never awake before him. Usually, someone had to drag him out of bed. ‘Why are you even up so early?’ He yelped as the three landed on him, knees first.

‘It’s not early,’ protested Jaehwan.

Sanghyuk interrupted. ‘What he means is, we woke him up because we want to get started early today.’

For a second, Ravi had no idea what the maknae was talking about. Then, ‘Ohh. The new looks.’

‘That’s right! We’re even getting collars because somebody thought, hey, let’s be love slaves this time!’ Jaehwan ripped away the pillow and beamed down into Ravi’s face. ‘We’re going to be so different, which is good because I’m so bored looking like this!”

‘I wouldn’t get excited,’ commented Hongbin. ‘You’ll still be horrible. And you’ll make Starlight cry.’

And that was that. Howling, Jaehwan attacked Hongbin with the pillow, and the room descended into chaos. Arm held high to protect himself, Hongbin grabbed the pillow out from under Ravi’s head. The first attempt to hit Jaehwan missed and hit Sanghyuk squarely in the face. Without a pillow, the youngest simply threw himself at the two armed ones and pummelled them mercilessly.

Ravi protected himself as best he could by curling up against the wall and wrapping his arms over his head. His only hope was to make himself as small a target as possible, and hope the others forgot he was there and not band together to turn on him. Even over the yells and thuds, he heard the soft voice at his door.

‘Be quiet. You woke me up.’

Risking it, Ravi lowered his arm and peeked. Leo stood in the doorway, barely awake, and unmistakably annoyed. Ravi caught his gaze. The others, completely unaware, continued their fight, until with a shout, Jaehwan smacked his pillow across the back of Sanghyuk’s head and it burst, showering them all with feathers.

Leo’s eyes flew wide, and he involuntarily took a step backwards. Then he was gone. Ravi pushed Hongbin aside, was on his feet, staring. The three on his bed finally realised something was wrong, and turned to him. ‘What was that for?’ asked Hongbin.

Not really sure himself, Ravi could only answer, ‘You woke up Leo’.

‘We did? Great!’ Jaehwan abandoned the now-destroyed pillow and raced for the door. ‘Taekwoon-hyung! Daeguuunii!! Get up and play with us!’

‘Jaehwan, stop!’ yelled Ravi. The other skidded to a stop, looking back in disbelief. ‘Leave him alone.’

Sanghyuk was the first to move. With a glance at Ravi, who was still glaring at Jaehwan, he grabbed Hongbin by the arm, and the two of them bustled the other out of the room. Ravi, still staring at the empty doorway, reached up absently and plucked a feather out of his hair, rubbing it gently between his fingers. There was no mistaking it. The look in Leo’s eyes had been pure fear. Listening to the sounds from down the hall, Ravi half-considered going to the next room, but experience told him that he’d never get anything out of Leo while the others were around. Sighing, he set to straightening up his bed. Ordinarily, he’d track down Jaehwan and force him to clean up the mess but it would make them late, and Ravi didn’t want to come back to a scene that would remind him of that frightened look.

Hours later, after bleach and colours and scissors, Sanghyuk regarded his new hairstyle in the mirror mournfully. ‘It washes me out,’ he complained. ‘And besides, it’s practically the same shade as Leo’s.’

‘You look great, Hyukkie,’ Jaehwan rushed to assure him. ‘Woonie’s hair is much yellower than yours, they’re not really the same at all’. He reached out to ruffle the maknae’s hair, which only irritated him further.

Hongbin spoke up from where he sat while his eyes were carefully lined with pencil. ‘Don’t worry. No one could ever mistake you for Leo, anyway.’

Sanghyuk spluttered. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

Hongbin grinned at his reflection. ‘Well, you could take it two ways. Either you don’t look that old, or you’re just not as good-looking.’ He didn’t bother to duck as a brush was thrown at him, missing by several inches. ‘Or as accurate. Leo would have hit me with that. Right, hyung?’

There was no response. Glancing over, Ravi saw Leo sitting silently, staring at himself through an overly long blonde fringe. More precisely, he was gazing at the ornamental collar he’d just buckled around his throat. His fingers lingered over the black leather and silver hexagon in a way that sent chills through Ravi. He almost looked as though he was caressing it.

‘Shikkie? Hello?’ Jaehwan, suddenly in front of him, blocking his sight. ‘You have to settle this. Which is it? Hyukkie’s too young, or Taekwoonie’s too pretty?’

Taken aback, Ravi stammered, ‘Uh - well - obviously -’ Luckily, Jaehwan ran out of patience before he could get an answer, and turned to Leo.

‘It’s up to you. Tell our dongsaeng - hey!’ he interrupted himself. ‘You’ve got your choker on already?’ The dispute forgotten, the three crowded around, peppering Leo with questions as they fastened their own collars.

‘Does it itch?’

‘Isn’t it really tight?’

‘How can you swallow?’

‘You look so weird with that on!’

‘Aah, it feels so strange! Who thought of this, anyway?’

‘Shikkie, who else?’

Ravi winced. ‘Wait - everyone agreed to it, don’t just blame me.’ He turned to the eldest for help, but Hakyeon, who’d endured having his hair turned green without complaining once, only folded his arms and leaned back in his chair with a theatrical sigh that all but screamed, children, quiet. Of course, the others completely missed it and went on with their commentary, Sanghyuk giving out a strangled yelp when Jaehwan hooked a finger under his collar and tugged him off balance. At that point, Ravi regretted ever proposing the idea. He could only hope that this was just a passing embarrassment, and they’d settle down soon and treat the collars as just another costume. Even if he knew he’d never be able to do that himself.

Very quietly, so that only Ravi could hear, Leo said, ‘I like it’.

Rehearsal was, as usual, a mixed bag. The excitement that the band felt when starting a completely new song quickly faded into the grind of dance practices, and the inevitable changes that always happened when a concept left the paper and started to become real. Pieces of choreography needed to be changed, positions were established then shuffled around to balance the overall look, and when they finally put the whole song together, everyone seemed to forget different parts of the dance. Leo was the exception. He looked completely distracted the whole time, but his moves were sure and fluid, his body relaxed. One of the assistants near Ravi whispered to her colleague that ‘Oppa looks happy to be chained up!’ Her friend nodded, and they smothered embarrassed giggles. Ravi couldn’t share their amusement. It was the last thing he’d expected, but the girl was right - and something about that sat very badly with him.

Once they moved into filming, every day was broken up into re-takes, close-ups, and duplicate shoots of them all performing the dance in different costumes that would be cut together by the editors. It was exhausting, stressful work, and more than one member simply threw up his hands and stormed out, only to return within a few minutes. Jaehwan’s petulant complaint that they were supposed to be only pretending to be slaves provoked a furious argument with the usually soft-spoken Hakyeon which silenced even Sanghyuk.

At first happy to indulge in all sorts of silliness regarding their submissive personas, most grew to loathe the different chokers that rubbed at their necks. It was usually only a few seconds after the director declared himself satisfied with a sequence that they tore them off, dabbing away the sweat and smoothing lotion over the places where the skin had been chafed. For Ravi, there was an entirely different kind of discomfort, but he complained as loudly as the rest. Only Leo appeared completely at ease with it - to the point that one night he nearly left still wearing his collar. Called out on it by Hakyeon, he’d dropped his head and muttered something about being tired.

Throughout the process, there’d been no knocking on the wall. Whatever Leo was tapping into with this song seemed to counteract the nightmares. Ravi just wished he could feel as happy about it as he probably should. If he was honest with himself, though, he’d come to miss that middle of the night waking.

When the final video was screened for them, he couldn’t share the general air of congratulations and praise, mixed with more than a few crude comments about some of the lyrics. And, of course, the collars. There was no doubt it met the high standard they’d set in their earlier work, even surpassed it at points. Ravi, though, could only stare at Leo dancing as though his hands were bound, and looking absolutely at peace. Despite the way he moved and the words he sang, it looked anything but sexual. It looked - relieved? What am I seeing? he thought. Why would he want to be bound?

Still, Ravi couldn’t help but feel a small stab of pleasure as Leo, seated next to him, let his head fall to rest on his shoulder. It was such an unthinking gesture, so much like things used to be. Ravi wasn’t about to spoil that by drawing attention to it. Whatever was going on in Leo’s mind, it had brought him back to a place that made him seem comfortable in his own skin again. And for that, Ravi would take any amount of teasing about the collars.

He should have known that it wouldn’t last.

Chapter Text

The punishing schedule they all followed in the wake of a new release demanded every scrap of energy they could hoard, and it was busier than usual, racing from appearances to the studio where they were all struggling to learn Japanese lyrics for their songs. When they finally could collapse, they were usually so wired that it took hours for them to wind down to sleep. Spending any more time together was out of the question, though. By the end of some days, they couldn’t stand the sight of each other. They disappeared into their rooms and blocked out everything by disappearing under their covers with their phones. If anything, Ravi was the most tired. No matter when he fell asleep, he tended to wake in the middle of the night, waiting for a sound that never came.

He told himself he was glad that for so many weeks Leo was able to sleep restfully. And he was glad, he loved to see the freedom in the way the vocalist moved and interacted with everyone. He loved that his face was so much more expressive, his eyes clear and alive. It was just that he felt like he’d lost something.

When the knocking came again, he dissolved into a confused mess of relief and guilt and something too large to name. His hand was on the wall in seconds, pressed so tightly that it seemed like he could force it all the way through to the other side. The sound faltered, and he cursed himself. As impossible as it was, he felt he’d been too eager, startled Leo. Staring at his own hand in the dim light, Ravi held himself completely still, waiting. When, after a moment, the knocking resumed, he let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. He was still needed, could still help. That night, in spite of his guilty happiness, he slept well.

It gave him enough energy to deal with the long new concept meeting scheduled for the next morning. The idea was so ambitious that just the background information they’d been given had set them all back on their heels. A trilogy, Conception, based on three gods from Greek mythology - Zelos, Hades, and Kratos. Themes of jealousy, envy, and rivalry, force and tyranny, and the underworld, dreams, and death. It was ambitious even by their own standards. It promised to take them into dangerous territory. Of course it was going to be irresistible.

The concept caught them all up, and soon ideas were flowing thick and fast. Hongbin and Jaehwan argued loudly over costume ideas until Hakyeon stepped in to remind them that they hadn’t even got songs yet. Sanghyuk fretted over how they were going to tap into the idea of a god of tyranny without completely embarrassing themselves. As the days passed, composers and designers came and went, engaging with each member, and a little order was restored.

Unless called on, Leo was mostly silent. And Ravi found himself scribbling furiously as snatches of lyric crowded into his mind. He had no idea what, if any, would be used, but he needed it to be on the paper so he could breathe again. The others, realising he was in the grip of the concept, stopped trying to enlist him in their arguments, and just let him write. The table in front of him slowly disappeared under layers of false starts, notes to himself, and scraps of poetry. Absorbed in the words, he didn’t see the long-fingered hands sort through the papers, picking up pages here and there. He didn’t hear his name called. It wasn’t until his view was blocked by a page placed gently over his hand that he looked up, startled. Leo was staring at him.

‘This one,’ he said softly. Ravi looked down at what he’d written. I can be in more pain … I only need to have you … your existence is heaven and hell … I promised to be your angel … I have to have you. He swallowed.

‘You like it?’

‘No,’ said Leo, and Ravi felt the world drop out from under him. ‘It scares me. But … it’s right. I can hear you in this.’ He held Ravi’s gaze and in his eyes, the composer could see the fear. And something else - something that took Ravi right back to the set of Hyde. He couldn’t speak. Could barely breathe. Waited for Leo to look away like he always did. Hoped with everything he had that he wouldn’t. The moment stretched out.

A hand appeared in front of his face, waving insistently. Ravi rocked back in surprise. ‘Wonsik-ah? Where are you?’ said Hakyeon from beside him. ‘I hate to interrupt, but everyone really wants to know what you’ve come up with. Can you share anything?’ As the eldest’s hand dropped, Ravi tried to focus again, but Leo had already turned away, eyes down. Ravi’s fist tightened on the pen he was holding. Right then, he could have gladly done violence to his leader. He forced himself to calm down and direct his attention to the rest of the room.

He stayed awake late into the night, refining the lyrics to that one song Leo singled out. He knew that, ultimately, it would be a collaborative effort, but he was going to fight for this one. Even if no one else knew it, he would pour himself into it - because, maybe it was just wishful thinking, but there was a small hope in him that the person it was really meant for would understand what he was saying. Around 3 am, without even really thinking about it, he turned sideways on his bed, balanced the notepad on his knees and reached his left hand back to lie against the wall. It was awkward, but he didn’t want to risk being so distracted by what he was doing that he missed Leo’s sign.

The knocking formed a counterpoint to the rhythms in Ravi’s head. This time, as he felt Leo calming, his own eyelids grew heavy, and when the sound stopped, he was almost asleep with the notepad clasped to his chest and his fingers grazing the wall..

To their own surprise, the band enjoyed their work on Zelos. The themes might have been as complex as anything else they’d explored, but the music was infectious and upbeat. Jaehwan, in particular, found this hilarious. He took to singing at the top of his voice his own words to the songs when they were on breaks. Most of them came down to variations on ‘you left me, I hate you, I’m gonna pout, but first I gotta dance this’, and never failed to send Hongbin into helpless laughter. It was ridiculous, but it was also healthy. It probably helped that some of the actual lyrics were freely acknowledged to be, well, less than their best. The fans didn’t care, and the music carried them, but Ravi knew that his own parts, at least, were nothing like what he’d wanted to say. He’d spent so much time on Hades, the next album in the trilogy, that he’d struggled with the themes of Zelos, and what he finally submitted read to him as clumsy. Still, the band and the management team were both happy with the result, and their light hearts showed through in both the videos and their performances. Hakyeon, in particular, seemed to really enjoy teasing Starlight by flashing them a mischievous smile that never failed to set them screaming with joy.

Leo was as high energy as the rest to begin with, but to Ravi’s eye, there was a shadow growing about him. On stage, the vocalist gave everything, but he slowly stopped joining in with the others, apparently content to let their antics wash over him. When, in one group interview, he said almost nothing and barely changed his expression, Ravi saw Hakyeon take him aside for a whispered conversation. Leo made an effort after that, but it was obviously that, pushing himself out of a silence that, to Ravi, seemed crammed with words.

And then the night came when simply placing his hand on the wall wasn’t enough. Half asleep, Ravi didn’t realise at first that the knocking, though still faint, was actually speeding up. He sat up fully, pressing more his hand more firmly. Let it work, please let it work, he thought wildly, but he was having no effect. Before he could think about it, he was out of bed, padding down the hall, opening Leo’s door.

There was more light filtering in this room from the window. It was just enough for Ravi to make out Leo, sitting up in bed, knees drawn up, hiding his face with one hand and knocking with the other. Ravi took two steps towards him, hesitated. ‘Leo?’ The knocking missed a beat, then resumed, almost drumming. Leo was hearing him, but it wasn’t breaking through.

That realisation carried Ravi the rest of the way. He sat on the edge of the bed and called the vocalist’s name again. This time there was a slight tilt of the head, but the distress radiating from him needed something more. Ravi did the only thing he could think of - he placed his hand on Leo’s back, just between the shoulder blades, began rubbing gently over the knotted, bunched muscles. The knocking stopped completely. They were so close that Ravi could feel Leo’s body heat and hear how his ragged, shallow breathing gradually slowed.

As the tension drained away, Leo turned his head to the side, eyes closed. Ravi had a momentary urge to brush the hair away from the other’s face, and was actually reaching out with his other hand before he realised what he was doing, and froze. There was a soft sound of protest. Automatically, he resumed the slow, soothing circles until Leo, now completely relaxed, slid down to lie on his side, facing away. Telling himself he was still just trying to help, Ravi kept his hand in contact with Leo’s back until it was clear the vocalist was drifting off. He shifted on the bed, ready to leave quietly.

‘Stay.’ It was a bare whisper. ‘Just until I sleep?’ Not trusting himself to speak, Ravi just pressed gently with his hand. In what had to be an unconscious reaction, Leo arched a little, pushed back. He murmured something, but he was so nearly asleep that there were no words. As his breathing deepened, became smooth and regular, Ravi fought to control his own. Though it was little more than a few minutes, it seemed like hours before he finally felt he could move. Moving slowly and quietly, he rose, and drew the covers over Leo’s sleeping form. He stood looking down at the other, reluctant to leave but knowing he couldn’t stay. Swallowing hard, he turned away and left the room, closed the door behind him.

He was almost back at his own room when he heard Hakyeon’s voice. ‘Wonsik-ah? Is everything all right?’ Startled, he stumbled against the wall. The eldest stood in the door of his own room, eyes heavy with sleep. Utterly wrong-footed, he tried frantically to think of some plausible explanation for prowling the hall in the middle of the night. Before he could come up with something, Hakyeon waved tiredly. ‘Never mind. Just get some sleep. We have an early call tomorrow.’

Released, Ravi quickly retreated to his room, leaning against the door for a moment, heart racing. Had he been seen leaving Leo? What would Hakyeon think? Would the eldest ask Leo what had happened? Or perhaps (please) Hakyeon wouldn’t even remember anything in the morning. No one would know. Ravi pushed himself upright, went straight to his bed and pulled the covers up over his shoulders. He shut his eyes reflexively, but he was so far from sleep that he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Wanting to forget the feel of Leo reacting to his touch, wanting to never let it go.

It wasn’t anything, he told himself repeatedly. He was already asleep, it was just a reflex. Slipping at last towards sleep, he was chased by the memory of Leo’s voice.

Stay.

Chapter Text

The songs were finally ready for recording. Management wasn’t happy, since it had taken longer than usual, but Ravi knew Hades would have everything Zelos lacked. He’d taken a huge risk, though, and so was more nervous than usual when he handed out the lyrics and newly loaded mp3 players, and cued up the guide for the first single, Fantasy. As soon as they settled themselves, he fled to the bathroom. Leaning against the sink, he stared at himself in the mirror. ‘You’re being dumb,’ he accused his reflection. ‘They’ll be fine with it.’ As the minutes passed without any sound from the others, he tried to quell his own rising doubt.

There was a single tap on the door. Ravi spun, but it was only Hakyeon, calling. ‘You can come out, we’re finished’. The leader sounded amused, and Ravi had no idea what that meant. Still, as much as he might have wished otherwise, he knew there was no putting it off. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door, to be confronted by a mob. Sanghyuk, Hongbin and Jaehwan all crowded behind Hakyeon. Their eyes were cold and hard, making Ravi’s heart sink. They hate it. Or - he couldn’t bear the thought - they know what I’m really saying. Leo’s absence from the group only made him feel worse.

‘Did - did you not - ah -’ he stammered. They only frowned at him - and then Jaehwan couldn’t hold himself in any longer, and burst into laughter.

‘Your face! You’re such an idiot, Shikkie!’ He reached past Hakyeon to poke Ravi firmly in the chest. Behind him, Sanghyuk and Hongbin also dissolved.

‘That’s enough, you’ve had your fun,’ ordered the eldest. He shooed the three away. ‘I’m sorry, Wonsik-ah, I didn’t know you were so worried. Don’t be. They love it.’

‘Yes, we do!’ came Jaehwan’s shout from the common area. ‘It’s all dark and delicious!’

‘But tell me,’ and Hakyeon lowered his voice, ‘This isn’t quite what I expected. Did the theme get away from you?’

Ravi reddened, ducked his head. ‘No, I - I was playing around with the idea that dreams are, are desires, and Hades is god of the underworld, of dark things ... and it got … intense.’ To his own ears, the explanation sounded lame, but it seemed to satisfy the leader.

‘I understand. Now come out of there.’ He stood aside to let the composer leave the bathroom. ‘And Wonsik? I think this is some of your best work.’ The praise was as unexpected as it was welcome.

In the common area, the three were all excitedly discussing the lyrics and singing snatches of their parts at each other. When Sanghyuk dropped his voice to sing quietly, ‘I know that it’s over,’ Ravi shivered. It was working. They were already falling into the music. Catching the mood, Hongbin matched his partner: ‘Someone help’. Even as raw and unpractised as it was, the effect was enough to silence even Jaehwan, who sat looking from one to the other in absolute wonder. Hakyeon moved to sit between the two, who started their parts again. This time the leader continued, ‘My fantasy will swallow everything, it’ll change everything’. Jaehwan actually clapped his hands over his face, overcome.

‘Where did this come from, Shikkie? I love it!’ Ravi barely heard him; he was looking around for the one person whose opinion he most dreaded, and craved..

‘Where’s Leo?’

‘I don’t know, in his room, probably. He got up and walked out right after you did,’ said Sanghyuk. ‘Hyung, can we talk about - ’ But Ravi was already moving, aware that Hakyeon’s eyes followed him. He knocked cautiously on Leo’s door. There was no response. He almost turned away, then, but he needed too badly to know. His hand dropped to the door handle, and before he could second-guess himself, he stepped into the room.

He half-expected the vocalist to be on his bed; instead he stood by the window, facing out. He didn’t acknowledge the intrusion into his space. Ravi took a few hesitant steps, ready to retreat if things were as bad as he feared. As he got closer, he saw that Leo had his earbuds in, head tilted back so far his neck was arched, his eyes closed. He was beautiful, and lost, and Ravi couldn’t take his eyes off him.

The volume dropped off as the song ended. Leo stayed as he was for a moment, then slowly lowered his head. He reached up and took out the earbuds, and opened his eyes. Ravi tried to speak, but his voice failed him. The vocalist turned to face him, regarded him with shadowed eyes that hardly seemed to see him. The silence between them grew thicker, filled with Ravi’s tangled emotions and something altogether deeper and more dangerous. He had to break it.

‘Do you - no,’ he corrected himself. ‘Is it … right?’

Leo blinked those catlike eyes slowly; once, twice, focused on Ravi’s worried face. Say something, say something, the composer thought desperately.

‘It’s perfect,’ Leo said, still keeping eye contact. Ravi could feel his face heating up, wanted to hide in his hands, forced himself to hold Leo’s gaze. The vocalist held out an earbud. ‘Tell me - is this part you and me?’ He reached up and placed it in Ravi’s ear, fitting the other into his own. Whisper to me, Ravi thought incoherently, not knowing what he meant. Without looking down, Leo thumbed the controls on the player.

His own voice filled his ear. ‘You are … my fantasy’. Wound through it, his attempt to hit notes that were really beyond him, that he’d always heard in the voice of the man who who stood before him. Leo stopped the playback, started again from the beginning. This time, he sang, and it was ethereal and yearning and everything Ravi wanted. All he could do was answer honestly, voice rough. ‘Yes.’ And his knees nearly failed him when Leo smiled into his eyes.

‘Do it with me.’

Ravi honestly didn’t know if he had any breath at all, especially not with Leo looking at him like that, but when the piano sounded in his ear again, reflex kicked in. Their voices twined together, low and shaky, high and slightly husky. They fell silent as the music went on, completely unaware of anything but each other. And Ravi wanted so badly to close the distance between them, take Leo’s face in his hands, confess everything.

‘That was amazing! Even better than Hyogie and Hongbin!’ Jaehwan’s voice cut right between them. Ravi flinched, breaking eye contact. He snapped his head up again, but Leo was already turning away, taking out his earbud, his face closed. Ravi could have screamed. At the same time, he was a little relieved. He’d come close to nearly ruining everything.

No longer content with simply trying to comfort through walls, Ravi was now out of bed as soon as he heard the knocking. He let himself into Leo’s room without asking, knowing he was invited. The nights blurred into each other, Ravi’s hand on Leo’s back, calming, lingering just a little longer each time to watch the other sleep. He was more tired than ever, gripped by a nervous energy that only found an outlet in long days in the studio, but he was beyond the point where he could stop.

Recording was another source of both agitation and pleasure. As each part of the first single was laid down, the shape of the whole emerged. For once, he thought, Jaehwan hadn’t been exaggerating. They all felt the pull of the song, and it made them both more intense and gentler, with each other. A kind of triad developed between Hakyeon, Sanghyuk, and Hongbin; they tended to sit together, crowding close. The leader in particular, seemed to always be touching the other two, from an occasional pat on the shoulder to actually draping himself over them when they’d commandeered the couch. Left out, Jaehwan didn't seem to care; Ravi often saw him daydreaming with a smile ghosting across his full lips, peculiarly self-contained. And Leo’s vocals soared, even while he grew slower in his movements and woke almost every night shaking.

Ravi tried not to examine his own feelings too closely. He couldn’t deny the leap that his heart gave whenever Leo walked through the door of the studio. The vocalist had taken to visiting even when he wasn’t required for recording. He usually sat quietly in a corner with a book in his hands, but whenever Ravi glanced over the cover was shut, and Leo was leaning back against the wall just listening. It made him want to stare, and if they’d been alone, he had no idea how he could hide what it was doing to him. The presence of other band members and the recording team restrained him. He couldn’t decide if he was glad about that. He only knew that, yet again, their music was undoing him.

When the track was finally ready (and, as usual, the production team had to pry him away from the mixing desk, because he never felt anything he’d finished anything as well as he could), he dragged himself home and collapsed in a chair. He had just enough strength to stretch out one foot and poke the trio on the couch. ‘I’m finished. Someone feed me, I’m starving’. Hakyeon sat up a little straighter.

‘Hongbin, make noodles for Wonsik,’ he ordered. The subject of this directive groaned theatrically.

‘Don’t make me move, hyung,’ he pleaded. They did, in fact, look unbelievably comfortable, sprawled over each other. Ravi took pity on them, hid it with an exaggerated eyeroll.

‘Spare me the drama. Thanks anyway, but Hongbin’s noodles always turn out soggy. There’s probably something I can snack on in the fridge.’ He started to rise, only to be firmly pushed back down into the chair. The contact made him jump, sent a streak of adrenalin through him.

From above him came Leo’s voice. ‘Sit still. I’ll make you food,’ he said. He headed for the kitchen.

Sanghyuk’s head came up. ‘Did I hear right? Are you cooking ramyeon, Taekwoon-hyung?’ Even Hongbin shook off his lethargy long enough to shoot an expectant look in the direction of the kitchen.

‘Not for you,’ came the retort. ‘You can get your own.’

‘That,’ said Jaehwan, coming in from the hall, ‘is really unfair. What’s so special about Shikkie, anyway? Why does he get the VIP treatment?’ He looked like he’d just woken up, even though it was the middle of the evening.

‘You have to ask?’ Leo’s voice was matter-of-fact.

Ravi knew he was blushing furiously. The whole band knew Leo liked to cook, but unless it was for everyone, he often couldn’t be bothered. To make a point of singling out Ravi was so far out of character that the others were instantly, deeply suspicious. Jaehwan demanded to know how Ravi had bribed the vocalist to get this kind of attention. ‘What was it? Did you say you’d do his laundry? Clean his room? What did you promise?’

‘Nothing!’ he protested. Anything. I’d promise him anything.

He barely tasted the noodles, was only aware of Leo seated opposite him at the table, his eyes fixed on Ravi’s mouth until every last scrap of food was gone. Then, abruptly, he stood and left without a word. Nonplussed, Ravi just sat, chopsticks in one hand. There was some kind of commotion behind him, but he didn’t look around until Hakyeon leaned over him to take his bowl. He smiled up at the eldest gratefully.

‘I’ll take care of this. You must be so tired, go to bed,’ Hakyeon told him, gently swiping one finger over the dark smudges under Ravi’s eyes. This day cannot get any stranger. Not willing to test that, Ravi decided to do exactly what the leader had suggested. He needed to be fresh for the first listen in the morning, and he had no idea if he’d get to sleep through the night. Waving a tired goodnight, he tolerated Hakyeon patting his head and escaped to his room. He felt too wired to actually relax, but he was already half-asleep when he hit the bed.

When the knocking woke him, the rest of the house was dark and quiet, and had grown cooler. Ravi rose and grabbed a sweater. As he let himself into the hall, he noticed that Hakyeon’s door was open, the bed empty. The surprise was enough to stop him in his tracks. Hakyeon? Surely … ? The knocking was still going though, and Ravi dismissed his half-formed thoughts, let himself into Leo’s room.

They settled into the familiar routine, Ravi soothing, Leo radiating gratitude and relief. One night I’ll ask him what he dreams. But not tonight. Ravi could already feel Leo’s shoulders slumping slightly. As he laid himself on his side, though, Leo reached behind him and captured Ravi’s wrist, tugged gently but insistently. This can’t happen, but he was already moving, laying beside the vocalist, arm stretched over him. He felt Leo’s hand sliding over his, separating and interlacing their fingers, pulling him closer, right against his upper back. Bare inches of space lay between them, and then Leo sighed and pushed backwards, and Ravi’s breath stopped in his throat.

They were tightly pressed together. Ravi’s hand was held over Leo’s heart; he could feel the steady, slow beat through the thin material of Leo’s t-shirt. His face was buried in the vocalist’s hair, and when he inhaled, he tasted hair colour and cool scent and Leo. He was drowning in it; he was losing his mind. And his body was betraying him in the worst way. Oh god, please let him be asleep.

Close to panic, at first Ravi didn’t register when Leo murmured, ‘Safe’. But then Leo shifted under his arm, nestled even closer, and said clearly, ‘Safe … with you,’ and drifted into sleep, hand still firmly holding Ravi to him. Trapped, the composer stared over the vocalist’s shoulder, trembling. You’re not safe with me. You don’t know what you’re saying.

Though all he wanted to do was entwine his legs with Leo’s, to push aside his hair and kiss the back of his neck, to slide their hands down to his stomach, he held himself absolutely still. And stayed like that, muscles locked, until Leo’s fingers finally slid away from his and he could escape to his own room to curl up in bed and shake.

This has to stop. I can’t do it anymore.

Chapter Text

It was a subdued group that met in the studio the next morning. Dark circles under the eyes seemed to be the rule, with Jaehwan and Leo being the exceptions. They looked well-rested, even refreshed. When Hongbin asked sourly what their secret was, Jaehwan just looked mysterious. ‘Good dreams,’ he grinned. Only Ravi, sitting directly opposite, saw Leo’s tiny, quickly controlled flinch. ‘Also, I actually slept. Unlike some -’’

‘Let’s get started,’ said Hakyeon quickly. Ignoring Ravi’s curious glance, he leaned over to the desk and pressed playback for the first time on Fantasy. The opening notes from the piano, Moonlight Sonata but darker, quieted everyone, and Ravi saw Leo close his eyes as their voices came in, so different but perfect together. Then they were into the song in earnest, and one by one were swept up and carried by the music. Hakyeon’s voice sang the last, melancholy line as Sanghyuk laid his head on the eldest’s shoulder. The last piano note faded. No one moved, or spoke.

For once, it wasn’t Jaehwan breaking the silence. Hongbin said softly, ‘We’ve done it again.’ The others stirred, shook off the spell. Discussion started around the table about the planned videos, one of which would be entirely story-driven. The noise level rose, but Ravi was close enough to hear Leo, who’d opened his eyes and was looking straight at him.

‘No. This is different. You meant it to be.’ Unable to bear the eye contact, Ravi reflexively lifted his hands to his face, and caught himself just in time to turn the movement into rubbing his tired eyes. He knows. He felt it. The thought should have been wonderful, but after last night, all Ravi felt was fear.

What have I done?

It troubled him all the way through the rest of the day. As he was measured for costumes, then given into the care of the hairstylists, he hardly registered what was going on around him. At one point, he remembered Hakyeon bending over him, murmuring, ‘You must sleep well tonight. We need you with us’. It wasn’t just an order; there was real concern in the leader’s voice. He should have been touched by it; instead he felt a thousand kilometres away from everyone, spinning with fatigue and nerves and the growing conviction that he’d gone too far.

By the end of the day, he’d reached a decision. If Leo knocked again, he wouldn’t go to his room. It wasn’t fair to the vocalist, who was only looking for some comfort. He couldn’t know the effect he had on Ravi, and if he did, it would drive a wedge right between them. Better for Ravi to treat him like any other band member. And maybe Hakyeon, as their leader, could be there for Leo in the night instead. Even if that idea made his heart hurt.

Resolution should have been a relief, but it only made him feel worse than ever. He begged off the evening meal, saying he had a headache. Alone in his room, he couldn’t settle; he tried to read, to write, watch videos on his phone, and nothing held his attention. Frustrated, he threw himself face down on his bed and clasped a pillow over his head. Shut up, he told his whirling thoughts. Shut up shut up shut up. Let me sleep.

He was startled awake by the knocking. Automatically, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, then stopped himself. Tried not to hear, but it just kept on, and Ravi lunged for his headphones, jammed them over his ears and stabbed playback without looking to see what the track was. He sat hunched over on the edge of the bed, pretending to himself that he was following the beat and not the out-of-rhythm knocking. It didn’t stop, and he was on the verge of going to Hakyeon when there was a heavy thud against the wall.

Without stopping to think, Ravi was scrambling towards Leo’s room, not caring if he was heard. He wrenched open the door, and froze in horror. Leo was on the bed, up on his knees, flattened against the wall as though he was trying to push himself through it. One fist was clenched, white-knuckled. He seemed locked in place, trembling with effort. With numb fingers, Ravi reached behind him and shut the door.

‘Leo?’ Nothing. He moved forward into the room. ‘Leo, please.’ He was close enough to see the vocalist’s face half-hidden against the wall, twisted, mouth working. At a complete loss, Ravi acted on instinct. He climbed onto the bed behind Leo, wrapped his arms around him and held on for dear life.

Leo bucked, trying to throw him off. Panicked, Ravi tightened his grip, pulled them backwards away from the wall. They landed half-sitting, half-laying, Ravi winded from Leo’s weight falling on him. ‘You didn’t come.’ Leo’s voice was raw. ‘You didn’t come, you didn’t, I called, you didn’t come.’

Ravi pushed his face close to Leo’s ear. ‘I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,’ he babbled. ‘I’m here with you, Leo, it’s all right now, feel me, hear me, I’m here, I’m here’. Hardly aware of what he was doing, he shifted, cradled Leo, began to rock him. When Leo slumped against him, head falling back, he manoeuvred them so they were laying down fully. Ravi was on his back, Leo held tightly to him.

Softer now, but still full of anguish, Leo asked, ‘Why?’ He sounded completely betrayed, and Ravi hated himself.

Too upset to come up with a well-crafted answer, he fell back on something like the truth. ‘I thought … it wasn’t right for me to do that to you. I thought it would be better if I stayed away.’ Leo shifted, raised his head. Stared at Ravi. ‘I wanted - I thought I was being fair to you.’

Leo grabbed Ravi’s t-shirt, bunched it in his fist. He dropped his head, said brokenly, ‘I’d rather have you killing me’. Ravi, shocked to his core, grabbed Leo’s chin and pushed it up so that the vocalist was forced to look at him.

‘No,’ he growled. ‘Don’t ever say that … I would never, never … how can you say that to me?’

The answer was cold. ‘Because if you weren’t - it would be kinder. Safer.’

‘Safer for who?’

‘For everyone.’ Leo’s breath hitched. ‘For you.’

Ravi rose up on one elbow, looking straight down into Leo’s face. ‘What is it? Why do you wake up every night like this? What’s chasing you? Please. Tell me. You’re scaring me.’ The vocalist shut his eyes tightly, and for a moment looked as though he would simply refuse to speak; then he drew in a sharp breath, and it came pouring out.

‘It’s because of what we do. We go to places where others would never set foot. We get censored because of it. Every one of us feels it a little, we all get changed every time we start down another dark path. I can see it take the others over, just for a while, but every time they come back. They keep only a little of what they find there - but you don’t lose any of it, and I can’t … it stays. For both of us. But I can’t control it.’ Leo’s voice was shivering, glass about to shatter.

‘And I know, I know you don’t make it happen, none of us do, we just give it a way to come out. All those secrets … everything dangerous. All of them, all the different parts of me, every night. The curse doll, always on display, no escape. The liar - you know what that felt like.’ Ravi just nodded dumbly. He knew. That sense of connection so complete that the lines between them started to disappear.

‘But most of all the angel, the angel. The different me inside of me.’

Oh my god, thought Ravi. Hyde. How had he not seen it?

‘The one that makes me want to scream, to feel … to hurt … to hurt everything I love … especially you. Because you are - you can see him.’

Ravi didn’t try to interrupt, didn’t know if there was any answer he could make. It was so blindingly obvious. He had seen the angel, striding past him where he sat on the floor of the set, staring back at him out of Leo’s eyes. He’d felt that sense of barely-leashed power, and yes, the thought of falling under the sway of that had terrified him. At the same time, he’d never wanted anything so badly. And he’d told himself that it was just his reaction, his own dark side. He hadn’t stopped to think that what he saw was something beyond him, something real, because it was Leo. Temperamental, yes, but as quick to give real praise as he was to rebuff friendly clowning. The shy one, who blushed like a girl at the slightest compliment or provocation. Famous for it.

Unaware of the thoughts crashing through Ravi’s head, Leo said, ‘He’s always there. And when I dream …’ A shudder went through his whole body, and Ravi’s arms tightened instinctively. ‘He wants to … I can’t let him … I can’t hurt you. But I can’t keep you away, you’re the only one, you, I need -’ He choked as a sob forced its way out of him.

Feeling utterly useless, Ravi held him, pressed his lips to the vocalist’s hair. ‘It’s all right, it’s all right.’ He tried to make his voice as steady as possible, hoping that Leo couldn’t hear how rough and shaky it really was. ‘I’m not afraid, Leo. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.’

Leo wrenched himself upright. His eyes were wide, startled, wet with tears. ‘No. No. Get out,’ he panted. Ravi struggled to sit up, started to speak. ‘Get out!’ He shoved, spilling Ravi onto the floor. Shocked, Ravi just stared. Leo’s face was red with anger, white around the eyes with fear. ‘GO!’

In a state of complete confusion, Ravi scrambled to his feet. He made an abortive gesture with his hands towards Leo, but the vocalist only jerked his head to the side, every muscle taut with refusal. He was completely unreachable. Not knowing what else to do, Ravi retreated to his own room.

Almost completely numb but for the ache in his chest, Ravi crawled onto his bed. Instead of laying down, he sat against the wall, leaning his head back against it. All he wanted to do was go back to Leo. To hold him, to say over and over that he wasn’t afraid of Leo’s nightmares, that he trusted him, that he - but he couldn’t bring himself to finish that thought. It was too much. He sat like that until the room lightened, and at some point the idea came to him that on the other side, Leo was mirroring him. They were separated by only a little wood and plaster. It felt like he’d never been further away.

He said he loved me. The thought should have brought him joy - it was what he wanted to hear, wasn’t it? But he felt empty, hollow; all he had in him was tears. He put his hands over his face and cried.

Chapter Text

Their days were more full than ever, now that the single had been released. An endless round of photo opportunities and signings, interviews, videos, performances. This time, though, there was none of the abrasiveness that had grown during Chained Up, at least not between most of them. Hakyeon took to reading out the fan comments he found on social media, seeming to delight in the description of himself as ‘handsy’.

‘Well, you are,’ commented Hongbin, from where he sat in their usual tangle of three, Hakyeon’s head in his lap. ‘You never leave us alone.’

‘Are you complaining?’ asked Hakyeon with a wicked smile.

‘It gets difficult to breathe sometimes.’ With a disgruntled noise, Hakyeon started to rise, but Hongbin pushed his head down again. ‘I didn’t say I didn’t like it.’

‘It’s not fair,’ Jaehwan pouted. ‘You have two. I need pats, too.’

‘I am the leader,’ Hakyeon pointed out.

Sanghyuk started to extricate himself from the pile. ‘I’ll pet you, Jyani.’

‘Don’t want you,’ grumped Jaehwan. ‘Want Hakyeon.’

‘Nope, he’s ours,’ Hongbin said. ‘Get your own. Go bother Taekwoon or Wonsik.’

Jaehwan made a face. ‘What a choice. An ice block or a rain cloud. No one loves me.’

‘That’s right,’ agreed Hongbin. ‘You’ll die alone.’ And yelped as a thrown cushion struck him square in the face.

Ravi, in the hall, leaned against the wall, trying to control his breathing. Of course it was obvious. He didn’t know why he was even surprised that others had noticed how Leo had grown cold and distant. His normal reserve had turned into a forbidding wall of silence that came down only when the fans demanded something of him. Even then, he submitted with bad grace to being forced to show his aegyo, and usually cut it as short as possible. No amount of bullying from the others could get him to unbend. And he turned his back on Ravi at every opportunity.

Ravi thought he’d done better at hiding his own confused misery. He’d thrown himself into group challenges, been accessible to fans and interviewers, forced himself to laugh. He’d worn that stupid crown of thorns, displayed himself, thankful that he was only expected to give the camera brooding looks. He couldn’t have done seductive if his life depended on it. In line-ups, at least, he wasn’t expected to stand close to Leo. The video concept for Fantasy had paired the vocalist with Hakyeon, so the two of them tended to occupy the centre. He told himself that was a relief, plastered on a smile, and tried to keep his face from falling every time Leo ignored him.

Clearly, he hadn’t been as successful as he’d hoped.

Work, he told himself. There was plenty to do in the studio. And it would get him out of here.

He stepped into the common area. Jaehwan, looking the very definition of pitiful, called, ‘Shikkie! I don’t suppose you’ll pat me?’

He was saved from an immediate answer by Sanghyuk. ‘I thought you were pining only for Hakyeon.’

‘He’ll take his pets wherever he can get them,’ said Hongbin. ‘He’s faithless.’

‘I am always disrespected around here,’ said Hakyeon sleepily.

It was more than Ravi could stand. Muttering an apology to the room, he grabbed his coat and keys and made a quick exit. As he closed the door, he heard Hakyeon say in a clear and serious voice, ‘You need to leave him alone, Jaehwan.’

Work should have been a refuge, and perhaps at any other time he could have lost himself in it. This song, though - he’d written the lyrics in a moment of weakness, his head whirling with images of standing in front of Leo, the two of them singing into each other’s eyes. It was the closest thing to a love letter he would ever be able to give him. Now, all he wanted to do was erase every trace of its existence. It wasn’t an option. Management had already signed off on it, and the guide sat half-done. He had no choice but to finish it. Be professional.

He lasted until it was time to lay down the voice track. He could hear his own voice cracking, and he couldn’t even pretend it was because he couldn’t reach the high notes. It was his words, his stupid, longing words.

I can barely breathe day and night
I immerse myself in your eyes all day …
Take more of me
Oh baby, love me do

Somehow, he got through it.

When he brought the guide to the others, he tried to make himself scarce again, but Hakyeon was having none of it. ‘Sit down, Wonsik-ah,’ he ordered. ‘Hongbin, Hyuk, stop him if he tries to leave.’ Scarlet, Ravi ducked his head, trying to disappear into himself.

The slow, sensual beat took the group by surprise. There were a few exclamations, but they dried up quickly as the vocal came in, lower range than they were used to, breathy, no soaring high notes. In agony, Ravi peeked at the others. Sanghyuk was blushing, looking carefully down at his hands. Next to him Hakyeon, swayed gently, eyes closed, while Hongbin was breathing hard. Ravi couldn’t bring himself to look at Leo, just thinking desperately, see me. Don’t see me. I don’t want to lose you. I know I’ve lost you.

The last chord faded. Hakyeon smiled lazily, opened his eyes. Ravi saw him look at each member directly, holding contact each time for a long moment. Jaehwan, head pillowed on his arms, returned Hakyeon’s smile, something heated in his gaze. His breathing back under control, Hongbin laid his head on Ravi’s shoulder. ‘I could get lost in that,’ he murmured. Sanghyuk made a wordless sound of agreement. Nothing from Leo, and Ravi had to look. The vocalist sat absolutely still, his face set like stone. In that moment, he was more an exquisite sculpture than a man. Then Hakyeon stretched, as fluid as Leo was immobile. He rose, came to stand behind Ravi, and wound his arms around him. Bending down he kissed the composer on the back of the head, and said softly, ‘Thank you’.

The harsh scrape of chair legs against the floor shattered the mood. Leo shoved himself away from the table and stood glaring at Ravi. Then he was gone without a word, slamming the door behind him. Shocked out of their daze, the younger ones looked to their leader. Hakyeon said nothing. ‘Let me go,’ whispered Ravi. ‘Please, hyung.’ As soon as he felt the arms around him loosen, he scrambled to his feet, pushed past Hongbin and fled the room. He made it as far as the bathroom before the tears fell. Locking himself in a stall, he fell against the door with his hands pressed over his mouth to stifle the sobs.

He’d told himself to expect nothing. Leo had made it clear that, whatever he’d said in the dark, he wanted nothing more to do with him. Ravi had braced himself for indifference, dismissal - but not the blazing anger that hit him like a blow. The message couldn’t have been more clear if it had been screamed at him. He couldn’t even pretend anymore that there might, one day, be something. There was no hope. There was only work.

Ravi moved through the days like a sleepwalker. What little energy he had he saved for the recording process, though it cut him to ribbons to hear Leo singing his words. Defensive, he took refuge in perfectionism, insisting on another take, and yet one more. The other members grew short-tempered with him, especially when the production team backed him up. They felt that what they were doing was already perfect precisely because it wasn’t completely processed and polished, and they were quick to say so. The exception was Leo, who took instruction without question but otherwise pretended he didn’t exist.

Then they were into the choreography, and Ravi no longer had the safety of the desk. To make matters worse, everyone seemed to have agreed that this would be a dance with a lot of slow moves - and a lot of touching. He watched in numb disbelief as Hakyeon demonstrated one move where he bent Jaehwan over, laid his hand on his back and trailed his fingers down. The recipient of these affections looked immensely pleased with himself. Sanghyuk whistled. ‘Starlight is going to go crazy.’

Then it was Ravi’s turn - and they paired him with Leo. The move called for him to stand behind the vocalist, push his arms up one by one, then pull them down behind his back. They were to take one step away, trailing hands down each other’s arms, before Hongbin moved between them and pulled them apart. Ravi was close to panic. Telling himself it was just a moment, just a piece of dance, wasn’t helping. They stepped through it, mechanically, at half-speed. Even then, Ravi was hesitant, Leo wooden. Adding the music made it worse. They fell behind the beat, missed their grip, completely ruined the flow. Over and over they practised, somehow always making a different mistake. Frustrated, Hakyeon declared a five minute rest. Ravi was out of the room almost before the leader had finished speaking, taking refuge again in a bathroom. He won’t even look at me … no wonder he hates me touching him.

After the break they tried it once more; it was just as bad. Hakyeon went into a huddle with the choreographers, no doubt looking for a way to salvage things. Then Leo, who’d been silent until now, spoke up. ‘Why not change it?’ he asked. ‘Hongbin is next to sing after me. Have him take Ravi’s part, and I can move away.’ The choreographers considered it, tried it between them, called Hongbin to the front to try the new move. It worked flawlessly, as though they’d already practised it. Leo was fluid, on the beat, grasping Hongbin’s hand confidently. Ravi, left standing on the edge of the circle, was a mess of pain and anger. It looked like an object lesson. It felt like punishment.

After that, Ravi couldn’t bear the idea of any of the others touching him. He suggested his own changes to the choreography, effectively isolating himself. Even then he was constantly aware of Leo’s presence, sometimes at his back. As long as no one touched him, though, he told himself he would make it. Then Hakyeon, adding one of his own changes, reached out to place his hand on Ravi’s shoulder, slid it slightly down his back. He flinched, fell out of rhythm, almost turned on the leader. The choreographers loved it, though, and insisted on its inclusion. By the time the dance was fully plotted out, Ravi’s shoulders ached with the tension of holding himself still to allow Hakyeon’s contact.

As they fell deeper into the song, the rest of the group were growing more at ease with each other. Jaehwan was finally pulled into Hakyeon’s orbit, occasionally displacing Hongbin and Sanghyuk. The two seemed to take this with good grace, the maknae only commenting that there was a little more room on the couch now. Besides Hakyeon appeared to have no intention of giving up any opportunity to keep physical contact with them, even if was no longer a constant thing. It sometimes led to Jaehwan sulking dramatically, but he was always quickly pacified. Ravi, isolated, watched them from behind growing walls. And Leo’s withdrawal turned darker, impatient and even a little aggressive towards the others. When Jaehwan, from the floor once reached up to tug on Leo’s hand as he passed, the vocalist pulled away so roughly that the younger member was knocked off balance. To Ravi he was, if anything, even colder.

Sleep was becoming little more than a memory to Ravi. He lay awake every night, telling himself he wasn’t listening for a knock. There was never any sound from the next room, and slowly he began to lose his sense of Leo’s presence. One night, he sat with his back to the wall again, and without really thinking about it, started to talk to him. ‘I want to believe you can hear me. Even if you shut me out. I know you’re hurting, maybe you think you’re protecting me. I …’ He closed his eyes and pushed his head back, trying to picture Leo, no wall between them this time, shoulders pressed together, nestled against each other’s hair. ‘I’m not afraid of you. Believe that. I … I need you, need to feel you breathing, want to -’ It was no use. He might as well have been speaking into a void.

He grabbed a notepad and pen from the bedside table. Pausing only long enough to turn on the lamp, he started writing, pouring everything out. He couldn’t get Leo’s terrible words (I’d rather have you killing me) out of his mind. How could he say that? (Don’t push me away) How dare he? (Don’t test me) And then - after everything (you used to love me) - to push him away, act like he didn’t even exist. (I’m holding on to you but you’re shaking me off … Are you afraid of me?) Pain and fury and betrayal all twisted together. (Do you think you can escape me just because you left? … I don’t know what to do if you leave me in this pain) He only knew he was crying when his vision doubled, blurred, but the poison was finally coming out, and there was no sense of relief. He was all heartache, and the worst of it was, he couldn’t make himself hate Leo. Even now.

He slid down on his side, curled in on himself, the notepad twisted between his hands. There were no tears left in him, just a bone-deep ache and a hopeless, forlorn wish. (killing me)

The next day’s dance practice was a complete disaster. They’d start to develop a flow, only for Ravi to miss a cue. Each time, he’d apologise, but it didn’t take long for him to make another mistake, which drew more than a few exasperated comments from Hongbin. And he couldn’t bring himself to care. Leo, too, seemed to have no ability to concentrate, but his demeanour was pure irritation. Called out by Jaehwan for losing a piece of choreography, he turned on him. A confrontation looked inevitable, until Hakyeon stepped between them.

‘Both of you, stop. Leave it alone.’ Hakyeon looked around at the group. ‘I’m going to end this for today. We’re not going to get anything useful done. Go on, relax, get it out of your systems.’ It was habit for them to obey when their leader spoke so forcefully. One by one, they picked up their things and headed for the door.

‘Wonshik. Taekwoon. Not you. Wonshik, come over here.’ Reluctantly, Ravi walked into the centre of the room. ‘This has gone far enough. You’ve started to affect the synergy of the whole group. I don’t want you to explain the situation to me, but you need to resolve it now.’ Hakyeon stood with his arms folded, clearly not planning to leave without some sign from them.

Ravi and Leo stood facing each other, a good two metres between them. Ravi’s head was lowered, but at the edge of his vision he could see Leo looking past him, eyes fixed on the wall. Neither of them spoke. Hakyeon remained absolutely still, let the silence grow. For Ravi, it was filling up with words, angry, hurting, wanting to hurt in return. He lifted his head, pulling in a shaky breath, ready to say everything. The movement dragged Leo’s gaze to him, locked it there and, for the first time in weeks, they really saw each other.

Ravi saw reddened, skittish eyes clouded with misery. Leo radiated exhaustion, but was also absolutely wired, poised as if for flight. He looked as though he hadn’t slept in days, and Ravi had a sudden, clear picture. Leo on his bed, wrapped tightly around himself, gripping his own wrists to stop himself reaching for the wall. Striving to protect Ravi, no matter how much he needed him. Every word Ravi had been about to unleash died in his throat.

He knew he was similarly exposed, walls gone. Leo could see everything. How he moved like every moment was pain, holding himself together through sheer will. The way every breath hurt. And what he no longer had energy to deny - that even now, after everything, he was hopelessly in love.

It was the smallest movement, just a twitch of Ravi’s hand towards him, but Leo’s whole body jerked as though he’d been hit. Before Ravi even had time to react, Leo was gone in a wild, graceless stumble. Ravi tried to make himself go after him, felt his legs give out. Then Hakyeon was there, holding him up, pulling him into a tight embrace. He slumped against the leader, shuddering, unable to even lift his arms.

‘I have you, Wonsik. We all have you. It’s all right, it will be all right,’ Hakyeon told him. He rubbed Ravi’s back.

It won’t be. It’ll never be. He stared over the leader’s shoulder at his own stricken face, reflected in the full length mirrors.

Hakyeon pulled back a little, got into Ravi’s eyeline. ‘Trust me. Trust him. Small steps, Wonshikkie.’ He sighed. ‘I know it’s no use telling you to get some sleep tonight, but can you, at least, try to rest?’ He waited until Ravi gave a stiff, noncommittal nod before turning him to the door. ‘All right. Come home.’

Hakyeon guided him with an arm around his shoulder into the car, up in the lift, and through to his room. The bed had already been turned down, and Ravi simply slipped between the covers and pulled them around himself, eyes shut tight. He felt a warm hand on his forehead. ‘Rest,’ said Hakyeon. I will be here if you need anything.’

Drifting, heartsick, he only heard snatches of the whispered conversation in this doorway.

‘- come home yet?’ That was Hakyeon.

‘No sign,’ answered Hongbin. ‘What do we -’

‘- fifteen more minutes before we ‘

‘He wouldn’t -?’

‘- don’t-’ Hakyeon, suddenly loud.

Ravi tried to throw off the bedclothes (I’ll find you Leo), but he didn’t even have the strength to push them down. He lay with heavy limbs, tiredness finally getting the better of him. He fell into an echoing darkness, into which he cried, over and over, come home, come home, come back to me.

Chapter Text

Jaehwan didn’t even bother to knock the next morning, just waltzed in and stood over Ravi. ‘Time to wake up, Shikkie. I’m not taking no for an answer.’ Ravi freed a hand from where the covers were wrapped around him, flapped it futilely.

‘... sleep?’

‘Hakyeon says you have to get up. So come on.’ For all he claimed to be following orders, Jaehwan was clearly relishing the borrowed power. There was no way he was leaving the room without getting a result. Suppressing a groan, Ravi sat up.

‘There. Happy?’

‘Ecstatic! Now - shower. You slept in your clothes, remember?’ Ravi looked down at himself, and last night flooded back to him. Hakyeon’s ultimatum. Leo’s face. Leo, leaving, again. He fought the urge to bury himself back in the bed. He wasn’t going to get away with that. Shooing Jaehwan out, he heaved himself to his feet.

From the doorway, Jaehwan called, ‘And don’t just wear your dance gear. We’re going somewhere else.’

‘What? Where?’

‘It’s a secret!’ yelled Sanghyuk from the hall. Ravi heard Hongbin hush him, and as the door closed, Hakyeon’s voice talking to Leo.

Ravi was the last to be ready, and by the time he appeared in the common area, Sanghyuk was practically vibrating with impatience. He grabbed Ravi by the wrist and dragged him to the front door. ‘Wait,’ pleaded Ravi, trying to free himself. ‘At least let me have coffee.’

‘Not today,’ said Hongbin with a grin. ‘Even Daeguni doesn’t get coffee this morning.’

‘You know that’s dangerous, right?’ asked Jaehwan. ‘I’m not sitting next to him in the car’. He appealed to Hakyeon, who snaked an arm around his waist, held him close.

Further protesting was useless. Leo and Ravi were bullied out of the house, and ordered into the car. Next to each other. Ravi kept his head turned to stare out the window, and didn’t even try to talk. They were a well of charged silence in an otherwise rowdy car. Both Sanghyuk and Jaehwan were in a state of high excitement, and Hongbin and Hakyeon had their respective hands full just trying to get them to sit still. For Hakyeon, it was even more difficult, as he was driving. Wherever they were going, for Ravi it was going to take forever. He pulled out his phone, started scrolling through updates, hardly registering what he was looking at. It buzzed in his hand, and he jumped. A message?

From Leo?

His thumb hovered. He debated deleting it unseen - but it wasn’t something he could bring himself to do. It was the first contact Leo had initiated in far too long.

>I’m sorry.

And just like that, Ravi was having difficulty breathing. He didn’t look over.

>>me too
>>it’s all right

>No.
>It’s not.

Ravi’s fingers tightened on the phone. He shifted in his seat, about to turn to face Leo. Sanghyuk yelled, ‘A zoo? Hakyeon, we can’t go to the zoo!’

Totally derailed, Ravi looked through the front window. Sure enough, they were driving through a gate over which hung a sign labelled Zootopia. It was part of one of the most popular theme parks. They’d be surrounded the minute they stepped out of the car, and no security car had accompanied them.

Jaehwan regarded Hakyeon with hurt eyes. ‘You should have told us we were going to a photo shoot, Yeonnie. My hair is awful.’ Ravi blinked. Jaehwan’s habit of giving everyone ridiculous nicknames was well known, but he’d always restrained himself when it came to the leader. Instead of scolding the younger, however, Hakyeon patted him on the cheek with a fond smile.

‘You know you look good, Jyani. Relax. This isn’t official. It’s just for us today. I asked for a favour.’

‘And how do you plan on us avoiding the crowds?’ asked Hongbin. Hakyeon just looked up into the rear view mirror and gave him a particularly satisfied smile.

They turned down a restricted road, pulled up outside a low building that had been screened from the rest of the park by clever landscaping. As he climbed out of the car, Ravi saw the sign on the door: Nursery.

Baby animals? Really? But if anything could ever make Leo soften towards others, it was animals or children. Hakyeon had obviously been scheming.

The door was opened by an older woman dressed in a business suit, obviously the administrator.. She bowed. ‘Cha Hakyeon-ssi! We are so pleased you could all come. Please, enter.’ Standing to one side, she motioned them inside. Ravi let the others go first, fell in behind Leo. As he passed the administrator, he remembered to bow, and thank her. She smiled at him with genuine warmth.

‘You’ve come at a very good time,’ she said They’ve just woken up from their nap, and they’re feeling playful.’ She led them down a corridor, paused at another door. ‘They won’t be allowed out to the public for a few weeks, so they’re still a bit cautious with strangers. Please try not to move suddenly or raise your voice.’ Opening the door, she let them precede her into the room. Ravi heard immediate, smothered exclamations.

‘Ahh, so cute!’ from Jaehwan.

‘That one fell over!’ Sanghyuk, obviously talking through his hand.

‘Hakyeon, how -?’ asked Hongbin.

Leo moved into the room, and Ravi heard his soft, ‘Oh’. It was a sound of pure joy, and it went straight to Ravi’s heart. Then it was his turn, and he saw what all the fuss was about.

Pandas.

Baby pandas.

Four of them, still young enough that they’d hadn’t completely lost their baby fluff, rolled around the floor. One had wrapped itself around a ball, while another batted at its sibling. The fourth looked straight up at them. Ravi knew he was as bad as Leo when it came to animals, felt his face stretching in the first smile in a long time. An attendant beckoned for them to crouch down. ‘You can pet them,’ he said.

It was all the encouragement Jaehwan needed. He was on the floor in a second, reaching out to run his fingers through the soft fur of the baby nearest him, the one with the ball. When the little panda rolled on its back, waving its paws in the air, he actually cooed. ‘Yeo - Hakyeon, come feel this! It’s so warm!’ The leader knelt down with an indulgent smile.

Sanghyuk and Hongbin made a beeline for the two who were pushing at each other. It didn’t take much to distract the siblings from their fight. Trying to catch Sanghyuk’s fingers was a far more interesting game. Tentative at first, the two were soon practically rolling on the floor with the pandas.

That left one. It hadn’t moved, still looking up with Ravi could have sworn was curiosity. It took a few steps forwards, hesitated. Mewled softly and raised its paw. Ravi couldn’t resist; he started to kneel down, but the panda cried again, and snagged Leo’s pants leg. Instantly, Ravi stepped back.

Leo looked down at the baby begging for his attention. Moving very slowly, he lowered himself to sit on the floor and reached out to pet it. The panda, however, had other ideas. Making an entirely different noise, it simply climbed into Leo’s lap and hung on to his shirt. Startled, the vocalist looked around.

‘That one is very clingy. Do you need help?’ asked the attendant.

Leo’s arms came up to hold the little animal. ‘It’s fine’ Ravi said quickly. ‘He’s good with animals. He loves them.’ And couldn’t go on, because Leo was looking straight at him with a grateful smile. The panda hoisted itself further up Leo’s chest, butting its head against his chin. Leo soothed it, stroking its fur gently.

‘It’s all right, little one,’ he whispered to it. The baby butted its head again, tangled its paw in Leo’s hair and gave it a sharp tug. The vocalist winced, but didn’t stop cuddling. For Ravi, everything else ceased to exist. He didn’t care that he was the only one not actually engaged with the pandas. Watching Leo scratching the baby behind the ears, whispering endearments and reassurance, face softer than it had been for weeks, was enough.

Idiot, he told himself. But he didn’t look away.

All too soon, the attendant was apologising. ‘I’m sorry, but it’s time to feed them, and we try to keep them quiet for that. I hope you enjoyed meeting our pandas.’ Hakyeon, possibly the only one capable of adult speech by that point, thanked him profusely on everyone’s behalf. Jaehwan gave his panda a last ruffle, and stood with a happy sigh. Hongbin and Sanghyuk managed to separate their two long enough to bid them goodbye, though their reluctance was clear.

Leo was in trouble. The baby had decided it absolutely wasn’t going to let him go. It still had one paw caught in his hair, and another twisted up in his collar. When Leo tried to dislodge the grip, it burrowed into him, nuzzling under his chin. Helpless, he looked around for help. Sanghyuk made as if to go to him, only to be held back by Hongbin. ‘Little one, baby, let go,’ Leo murmured, but the panda was having none of it. Out of the corner of his eye Ravi saw that the attendant was preparing to intervene. Without thinking, he squatted down by Leo, reached out to gently untangle the baby’s claws from his hair. Intent on what he was doing, he couldn’t see Leo’s reaction, but the vocalist hadn’t turned from him, at least. Holding the freed paw, Ravi turned his attention to the one caught in Leo’s collar. With a little coaxing, it came free. The panda reached out for him, and, before he could become similarly trapped, he quickly gathered it up and handed it off to the waiting attendant. There was a moment’s regret as he felt the warm weight in his arms, but he’d missed his chance.

He looked back to Leo, who was still sitting on the floor. The vocalist looked completely dishevelled, and Ravi straightened his collar. It was automatic, something they’d done for each other a thousand times. When he lifted his hand to smooth Leo’s hair, though, their eyes engaged, and Ravi froze. What am I - he stumbled to his feet. In that instant, Leo’s face went from joyful to pinched and wary. Trying to cover himself, Ravi turned to the attendant, asked him something, some banal question he didn’t really remember. Beside him, he heard Leo stand, move towards the door.

As they filed out, Ravi saw Hakyeon regarding him sadly. As he probably should - all that good work ruined in an instant by a stupid gesture. He ducked his head as he passed the leader, felt a hand on his shoulder. ‘It was for you, too,’ said Hakyeon softly. ‘Trust.’

The drive back was nearly unendurable. Hyuk and Jaehwan seemed intent on reliving their experience in as much detail as possible, as many times as possible. Leo avoided everyone’s questions. Looking up at one point, Ravi saw Hakyeon watching him in the mirror. Trust, he mouthed.

Sighing, Ravi pulled out his phone.

>sorry

The reply was so long in coming that Ravi thought he was going to be ignored. Then:

>>It’s all right.

>it’s not

By the time they were back home, the tension was nearly as bad as it had been that morning. Leo headed straight for his room, while the trio piled onto the couch and Jaehwan sat in what had become his favourite position, within reach of Hakyeon’s hand. Ravi was stranded at the edge of the common area. Going to his own room was out of the question. He sat in a chair for a while, channel-surfing, not registering the images that flashed past his vision. When Sanghyuk grabbed for the remote, Ravi surrendered it without thinking. Immediately, Hongbin reached around the maknae and turned the tv off altogether.

After that, Ravi couldn’t sit still. For lack of anything else to do, he went to the kitchen and stood looking into the refrigerator for several minutes, before reaching in to get a bottle of water. As he turned back to the common area, he just caught sight of the front door closing. He looked over at the others, but he scarcely needed the confirmation. It had, of course, been Leo. It meant he could safely head for his own room, but to do what? Pace? He hovered, irresolute.

‘If you’re going to just stand there, the least you can do is get me some water, too,’ said Sanghyuk. Blinking, Ravi walked over and handed the bottle over. Without warning, Hongbin caught his hand. He said nothing, just squeezed it once and let go. It was so unexpected that Ravi simply stared for a moment, then, shaking his head, decided that retreat to his room was his only option. Even if it meant he bounced off the walls.

That resolution lasted exactly five minutes. He had nothing to do but think about the afternoon, how Leo had smiled at him. How it had all come crashing down again because he’d been stupid, so stupid. He’d let the moment get the better of him. A little silliness with baby pandas wasn’t going to begin to mend what was broken between them. If anything could. Why do I keep trying? Am I just going to let him destroy me?

I’ve got to get out of here.

Chapter Text

It was an excuse, and a pretty transparent one at that, but it was the only thing that came into Ravi’s head when they asked him where he was going. He didn’t even know why he’d thought of it. The last place he wanted to go back to was the practice studio. From the look on Hakyeon’s face, he clearly wasn’t fooled by a story about needing to pick up some notes. For all that it was true, there was no reason why they had to be retrieved urgently. The band would be back there in the morning. As Ravi had hoped, though, no one raised a protest. As he closed the door, he heard a snatch of low-voiced conversation.

‘ - will break,’ said Hakyeon.

‘But which one?’ Hongbin asked.

There wasn’t even a question, Ravi thought as he walked. If Leo knocked on the wall, he knew he’d be there, no matter how many times he was pushed away. No matter how many times his heart broke. I told him he could never hurt me. I’m an idiot, he told himself for the thousandth time.

The walk did nothing for his state of mind. Although he’d kept to less populated streets wherever possible he knew there was a constant risk of being stopped for a photo or autograph, and an unauthorised video appearing on the net would get him spoken to harshly by management. It made him hyper-vigilant, twitchy. By the time he arrived, he was even more on edge than he’d been when he left their home.

There was music playing in the studio where they’d practised yesterday, their own track, which was strange. Ravi supposed one of the choreographers might have returned late to refine one of the trickier sequences. He pushed open the door, shrugging out of his coat, went to flick on the light - and stopped dead. There was someone dancing alone in the semi-darkness. It was Leo. His oversize red shirt - my shirt, Ravi realised, he must have taken it from my room - draped around him.

He wasn’t practising. His dance had no structure, no recognisable moves. It was free, pure response to the music. Leo was lost in his own world, eyes closed. He moved languidly, all loose-hipped body and shoulder rolls, slowly spinning, running his hands through his hair, over his face, down his body, completely abandoned. It was the most sensual thing Ravi had ever seen. It made him ache.

The bag dropped from nerveless fingers. Beside it, the coat slid to the floor in a puddle. Ravi stood, frozen, drinking in every move. Then, right on cue (Don’t just stare at me), Leo flowed towards him, stretched out his arm. The vocalist’s eyes opened to look straight at him, and he curled his fingers in a slight beckoning motion. There was no way he could resist. Heart hammering, he moved into the music, let it carry him to Leo.

They were circling each other, swaying in, reaching out to just brush against arms. Close enough to hear breathing growing more ragged, still separated, but the distance between them was disappearing. Gradually, their hands made firmer contact, sliding over faces, backs, chests. Discovering each other through clothes, through dance.

With every move, every breath, Ravi begged silently, Let me touch you. Let me kiss you everywhere.

And Leo’s body answered. Yes. Yes.

Ravi took hold of Leo’s waist, moving him in front. Leo threw his head back on the composer’s shoulder, dancing against him. Ravi had one hand in Leo’s hair, the other loosely holding him by the throat. He pushed his face against the side of the vocalist’s neck, feeling his pulse through his lips, feeling him humming the melody. It wasn’t enough.

Leo slipped out of his hold, spun away. Ravi took one stumbling step before he saw the hand held out for him. He closed the distance. Their palms touched, Leo turned his hand, and locked their fingers together. They swayed forwards, came together, lost in each other’s eyes. As the music ended, Leo whispered the last line.

‘Try taking my everything.’

It was more than Ravi could stand. Knowing it would ruin everything, he slammed his eyes shut, pitched forward and kissed Leo. Just this, just this one thing. It was clumsy, little more than pressure against closed lips. Then Leo’s fingers wrapped around the back of his neck, and he was kissing him back, mouth opening. Their tongues met, and suddenly it was urgent and sloppy and Ravi clenched his fist in Leo’s hair. The vocalist sighed into his mouth, melting into him. Their hips moved together, and Ravi felt Leo’s hardness against his own.

Even like this, Ravi couldn’t let himself believe. Though every nerve screamed against it, he broke the kiss and opened his eyes. Leo was looking straight back at him in a way Ravi had dreamed about, but never dared to hope to see.

Ravi, breathless, needing to know but scared of the answer, swallowed. ‘Is this real?’

Leo just leaned in again, kissed him with open eyes. It was softer this time, lingering, and everything else ceased to matter. When they finally came up for breath, they leaned their foreheads together, neither willing to move further. And then the last thing Ravi expected - Sanghyuk, opening the door, calling, ‘Is anyone there?’ They tore themselves away from each other. ‘Wonshik-hyung? Ah. We were getting worried. Well, our leader was, but - Taekwoon-hyung? Why are you here, too?’

Knowing the vocalist wouldn’t answer, Ravi answered shortly, ‘Practising’. He looked over, but Leo was already striding out of the room, pushing past Sanghyuk. If it weren’t for his obviously shaky legs, Ravi would have thought that what had just happened had no effect. He knew they both looked a mess, but with any luck the maknae would think it was just fatigue from dancing. ‘All right, let’s just go,’ he said, motioning Sanghyuk ahead of him.

‘What about your notes?’ The question was innocent enough, but in his sensitised state Ravi thought he caught a quickly-suppressed smile. Ohh, no. No, no, he didn’t see anything, breathe, idiot. Aware that he was making himself look even more suspicious, he peered into the gloom. He jumped as the lights came on suddenly. ‘This’ll probably help,’ said the maknae cheerfully.

The notes were piled on a chair set against the far wall. Ravi reached down to grab them, seething. He had no idea where Leo had gone, and the last thing he wanted was to be dragged back home like a stray animal. As he turned to pick up his bag, he heard his phone buzz. He squatted down, stuffed the papers into the bag, fished out the phone.

>I’m outside
>by the car
>waiting

Ravi had no idea how to answer that. Wasn’t sure his fingers would obey him enough to type. He just picked up his things and followed Hyuk out to the parking lot.

That Sanghyuk had brought a car was an indication that he’d been told not to come back without Ravi, but it was just as clear that finding Leo at the dance studio this late at night was completely unexpected. The vocalist climbed into the back seat without a word, and, after a beat, Ravi joined him. When Sanghyuk protested being left alone in the front, Ravi answered, ‘You just drive’, and winced when he saw the hurt on the maknae’s face. ‘It’s just that I’m tired. I don’t want to distract you.’

By no means satisfied, Sanghyuk tried to engage Ravi in conversation, but all he got were monosyllables. Leo had placed his hand over Ravi’s, fingers slowly caressing. It was completely distracting. He didn’t know how he was going to get through the next few hours.

Somehow he was able to make small talk, even answer questions in a rational way that surprised him. Leo had disappeared into his room as soon as he could, catching Ravi’s eye just long enough to throw his thoughts into complete disarray. A few minutes later, his phone buzzed again.

>why do you always call me Leo

Of all the things to ask me now … But perhaps this was better. Aware that he was blushing, hoping that the others were too preoccupied with each other to notice, he tapped out:

>>it’s who you are
>>to me

Well, that made no sense. He was still trying to think of a clearer way to say it when the response came.

>then you’re Ravi
> to me

Ravi stared down at his phone. How could this be happening?

The others took their time turning in. Ravi was just about to risk going to his own room, even if it meant bouncing off the walls, when they all seemed to decide at once that it was time to sleep. He waited as long as he could, but in the end he didn’t care if they were still awake. He turned off the lights in the common area, went down the hall in the dark. Absently, he noticed that Hakyeon’s room was empty again, but it was the least important thing in the world right now.

He was already second-guessing himself when he opened Leo’s door. The memory of their dance had become something almost too fantastic to believe, and then that kiss … He stopped. Leo stood in the middle of his room, facing the door. Everything about him said waiting, said nervous.

He closed the door behind him, took one, two steps. ‘Tell me this is real,’ he whispered, pleading.

Leo reached towards him, hand trembling. ‘Touch me,’ he said. It was all the permission Ravi needed. He slid his fingers through Leo’s hair, kissed him long and deeply. Leo’s hands were all over him, tugging Ravi’s shirt out of the waistband, lightly tracing his fingers against the composer’s stomach. Moaning, Ravi simply dragged the shirt off over his head. He reached for Leo, who bent his head to place a kiss right over Ravi’s heart. Then he shrugged out of his own shirt, grabbed Ravi’s hand, guided it. Ravi pressed his palm against Leo’s crotch, and the vocalist pushed his hips forward. They moved against each other. Desperate now, Ravi fumbled with the belt and zipper on Leo’s pants, slid them down his long legs, and followed them down to the floor until he was on his knees. He kissed his way up Leo’s thighs, eliciting a strangled cry.

‘Come here,’ Leo panted. ‘Come here, come here, come here.’ He pulled Ravi to his feet, his usually dexterous fingers clumsy with urgency. He started to mirror Ravi’s movements, sinking to his knees, but Ravi caught him around the waist and impatiently shoved his own pants down with his free hand. At that moment all he could think about was feeling Leo’s naked body against his own.

At last they were skin to skin, wrapped around each other, and Ravi was kissing him everywhere. They made it to the bed only to fall clumsily against each other, earning Ravi an unintentional elbow in the stomach. His smothered exclamation brought a surprised, breathless laugh from Leo, who quickly hid his face until Ravi made him look up. What he saw in Leo’s face - desire tinged with fear - was enough to gentle his hands, slow his kisses. Leo watched him as though afraid he’d disappear.

Ravi cradled Leo’s face in his hands, kissed him until they were both out of breath. He lowered his mouth to the vocalist’s throat, tasting, licking, just grazing with his teeth, while his hands moved over his body. Long fingers slid over Ravi’s biceps, splayed over his back and gripped tightly. He could feel how much it was costing Leo not to make any noise. Ravi murmured, ‘You don’t have to be silent,’ and nipped at Leo’s ear. The resulting gasp was tiny. Needing to hear more, Ravi ran his tongue down Leo’s neck and chest, circling first one nipple, then the other. Leo surged against him, bit back his moan. ‘It’s all right,’ Ravi murmured. ‘Let me hear you.’

It was barely more than a breathy whisper, but it was full of music. Ravi reached down to run his fingers along the length of Leo’s cock, wrapped around the shaft, and looking down into his face, started to slowly stroke him. Leo’s eyes snapped open, pelvis lifting, hands reaching. ‘Kiss me. Please.’

‘Always,’ said Ravi. ‘Forever,’ he whispered against Leo’s mouth as it opened for him. He was breathing Leo’s breath, moaning deep in his throat as he kissed and stroked. All he wanted was to keep things like this, slow and deep, Leo trembling, Ravi swallowing his cries. Leo grabbed at him, moving faster, urging him. Every muscle tensed as he arched. Then he was coming, his whole body jerking, mouth still sealed to Ravi’s. Finally, his arms loosened and he fell back, flushed, still gasping for air.

Excitement still thrummed through Ravi’s body. Breathing hard, he leaned over, softly kissed the hollow of Leo’s collarbone. He felt hands carding through his hair, nails scraping gently over his scalp. Nuzzling, he purred. There was a strange sound from Leo; breathless, he was laughing.

Ravi raised his head and smiled down at Leo. ‘What’s funny?’

‘You. Me. All of this. I’ve - never heard you make a noise like that before.’ Leo scratched again, drawing another purr.

‘Jaehwan isn’t the only one of us who likes being petted,’ Ravi said. ‘He’ll let anyone, but I -’ he stopped.

Leo had stopped laughing. Now he regarded Ravi with serious, somehow sad eyes. ‘How long?’ was all he said.

Ravi hid his face against Leo’s chest. ‘Always.’ It was a nearly soundless whisper.

Leo’s arms tightened around him. ‘Always?’

Hidden like this, Ravi found he could speak, at least say some of what he’d been keeping back for so long. ‘Since you sang my words … and it pierced me.’

They fell silent. Ravi shifted so they were wrapped around each other. Their hands met, fingers tangling. For a long time they simply lay like that, breathing together.

Ravi stirred, turned his face up to Leo’s and kissed the point of his jaw. The vocalist made a sleepy sound, moved so that he could kiss Ravi properly. It was slow and soft, and just a little tentative. Ravi closed his eyes and gave himself up to it, letting himself be led. When his mouth was freed, he protested. ‘Ssh,’ said Leo, kissing his eyelids and the tip of his nose, trailing his lips over Ravi’s cheek, coming to rest just below his ear.

Ravi shivered. Reluctant as he was to risk spoiling the moment, he had to know. ‘How long?’ He felt Leo smile against his face.

Deliberately mirroring: ‘Always.’

‘Always?’

‘Since I heard your words and they turned me inside out.’

An ache was growing in Ravi’s chest. ‘No more talking,’ he said, roughly. He started to push himself up on his elbows, but Leo stopped him, held him gently down on his back.

‘Let me.’ His hands were all over Ravi’s body, discovering him, tracing muscles with his fingertips, making him tremble. The touch was feather-light and unhurried, but it had Ravi aroused again almost immediately. He gasped as Leo’s fingers trailed lower, barely making contact with his skin. Then his cock was being held, stroked, and Leo’s mouth was on his chest, licking delicately at a nipple. The contact was still tentative, even a little clumsy. Ravi didn’t care. With a low moan he pushed his hips up. Leo’s movements became more sure, settling into a steady rhythm. He fitted himself along Ravi’s body, lips next to his ear.

‘Beautiful,’ Leo whispered. Ravi turned his head, seeking blindly, was rewarded with a kiss that seemed to take away what little breath he had. Then Leo was at his ear again, murmuring.

‘Love you.’

Ravi froze, not trusting what he had just heard.

‘Love you.’ Leo’s breath was hitching, but he kept his hand moving, and Ravi was lost. ‘Love you, love you ...’ Each time he heard it, Ravi climbed higher, gasping, building inexorably towards orgasm. He twisted, reached for Leo, clung to him desperately. ‘Love you, Ravi,’ whispered Leo, and, finally believing, Ravi let go.

Hours later, drowsing, the sky outside lightened enough to let Ravi see Leo clearly. He touched his face lightly, not wanting to wake him. The vocalist stirred, gave him that slow blink that, for Ravi, was irresistible. He took Leo’s face in his hands, kissed him over both eyes, then lowered his mouth to his lips. It was a sleepy, gentle kiss, Leo catching Ravi’s lip briefly between his teeth. Ravi groaned. ‘If you start that again …’

Leo slid his hands into the composer’s hair. ‘I want to,’ he said. ‘But you have to go.’ They both knew it. Being caught in Leo’s bed would be disastrous. Reluctantly, Ravi disentangled himself, swung his legs over the side of the bed. As he stood, Leo grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him down towards him. There was just a hint of fear in his gaze. Don’t leave me, his eyes said.

‘Never,’ said Ravi. ‘See you soon …’ he hesitated, went for it. ‘Chagiya.’ Leo’s hand slipped from his, and he smiled.

‘Love you,’ he replied, and watched Ravi gather his clothes, including the red shirt.

Everything was quiet in the hall, which gave Ravi the opportunity to make it to the bathroom. He needed to clean himself up before the others woke. His shower was hurried, every nerve alert for the sound of someone stirring. Luck was with him, though, and he let himself into his room without being discovered. Letting himself fall face forward onto his bed, he was asleep in seconds.

Chapter Text

When he surfaced, it was to the sound of raised voices in the kitchen. He dragged on a pair of sweatpants, then reached for the red shirt. He held it to his face, breathing in their combined scents, before slipping it on. Barefoot, he braced himself for the onslaught of normal life and opened his door. The sounds of the argument came immediately. Ravi watched, a smile growing on his face.

‘- was your turn!’ Sanghyuk, indignant.

‘What are you talking about? You said you’d take care of it this time!’ retorted Jaehwan.

‘That was last week!’ yelled Sanghyuk. ‘If you weren’t so busy making eyes at Hakyeon, you might remember these things once in a while.’ Briefly, Ravi wondered when they’d stopped using honorifics completely amongst themselves.

‘Yeonnie, tell him,’ Jaehwan appealed. The leader shook his head, his stern expression completely undermined by the way he reached out to stroke the younger’s shoulder.

‘I’m sorry, Jyani, he’s right. It was your turn.’

‘Ahh!’ yelled Jaehwan. ‘Even you betray me!’

‘The point is,’ came Hongbin’s voice. He was clearly trying not to laugh, though there was an edge to it. ‘The point is, there’s no coffee in the house and you’re going to be the one to tell Taekwoon you’re depriving him two days in a row.’ Jaehwan let out a scream of horror, and Ravi took that as his cue to enter the fray.

‘That’s that, then,’ he said, grinning. ‘Leo will kill you. Hakyeon, we’re going to need to find another vocalist.’ Not pausing, he went into the kitchen, reached up into a cupboard. Keeping his movements screened, he continued, ‘Or perhaps we can just let Sanghyuk take Jaehwan’s place.’ As he’d hoped, the mere idea caused uproar.

‘Do you have to wake me up like this every time?’ came Leo’s voice from behind him. Ravi was grateful that the stupid smile on his face couldn’t be seen.

‘Get out from behind Hakyeon, Jaehwan,’ said Hongbin. ‘Face your punishment.’

‘What did he do?’ Leo’s tone of mild curiosity sounded far less dangerous than the look that was probably on his face. Ravi risked a peek over his shoulder. Leo stood over Jaehwan, hands on hips. He looked like he was waiting to pounce.

‘I’m sorry!’ cried Jaehwan. ‘I was supposed to get coffee, and I - I forgot. I’ll make it up to you!’ he offered.

‘So it’s your fault I won’t get my coffee today, either. This will cost you.’

Sanghyuk suddenly sniffed the air. ‘Wait. What’s that? Is that - ‘ Ravi took this as his cue to turn around. He held a mug in each hand, offered one to Leo. Their fingers grazed as the vocalist accepted his.

Jaehwan stared accusingly at Ravi.

‘Where did that come from?’ he asked.

Ravi blew on his coffee, sipped it. ‘I bought my own. And I hid it. I’m not stupid.’ He leaned in close to Jaehwan and said, ‘I saved your life. You owe me, now.’ The resulting gale of laughter from the others gave him the opportunity to look over at Leo, and the vocalist’s smile sent his spirits soaring.

‘All right, enough. Rehearsal. Get ready, everyone,’ said Hakyeon. He gathered up Jaehwan. As the pair moved past Leo, Ravi heard him clearly say, ‘Welcome back’.

‘Come on, you,’ said Hongbin, pushing Hyuk ahead of him. He turned back to Ravi, said nothing, only gave him a slight smile.

As soon as they were alone, Leo moved closer - probably too close, but Ravi didn’t care. They leaned against each other for a moment. ‘My shirt smells like you now,’ he said in a low voice. ‘Like us both.’ Leo dropped a quick kiss on the side of Ravi’s neck, making him shiver.

‘That’s why I took it,’ he whispered, kissed him again.

Ravi groaned softly. ‘Do you have any idea what you do to me?’

‘I’m learning,’ was all Leo said.

It was clear from the others’ tension that they expected another disastrous rehearsal, and with only a week until their first television appearance. For the first time, though, Ravi felt free to move, executing the choreography flawlessly and adding a few of his own flourishes. And Leo lost that mechanical quality that had so frustrated the others. After only two full run-throughs, they were ready to start adding the last touches.

In a break, Ravi heard Leo murmur by his ear, ‘Is it too late to change the choreography back?’ Ravi smothered a laugh, turned it into a cough as Hongbin glanced at him curiously.

The band moved into that final flurry of preparation, hair appointments, costume fittings, all the tiny details that helped transform them from just another group of musicians into storytellers. Even though the song didn’t have a concept video, there was no sense that it was ‘just’ a dance. They were seducers, persuaders, unashamed of their sensuality. For Ravi, it was both wonderful and torturous. He was with Leo all through the days, catching looks that said all too clearly, touch me, knowing his own gaze always drifted towards the vocalist. Standing in a line for cameras, Leo pulled him closer, found excuses to straighten Ravi’s hair or slip his hand around to lie in the small of his back, rubbing gently. For his part, Ravi took refuge in clowning, as he had before, but this time the charade was for others. For them, he had to hide, and he hated it.

It was only at night that they could drop the façade. Ravi waited impatiently for the rest to go to bed before letting himself into Leo’s room to be met by starving kisses. ‘I missed you,’ Leo said.

Ravi smiled. ‘It’s been two hours.’ He wound his hand into Leo’s hair, tugged gently. Leo moaned.

‘I know. Missed you.’ He stripped Ravi of his clothes, kicking out of his own pants, going to his knees. He slid his hands up the back of Ravi’s legs, cupped his buttocks, and leaned forward to kiss his hipbone. His mouth moved over Ravi’s skin, trailing his tongue across to pause just beside his cock. He turned his face up, eyes half-lidded and sleepy. Ravi could feel his breath; it sent a surge of arousal through him that left his knees weak.

‘I’m going to fall,’ he gasped. Leo smiled up at him.

‘No, you won’t. I’ll hold you up.’ He kissed the very tip of Ravi’s cock, and his tongue came up to wet his lips. Ravi, watching, gasped as Leo tentatively stretched his mouth around him, lowered his head and took him as deep as he could. He drew back his head, then bobbed forward again, and Ravi fought to keep his hips still. He reached down and caught hold of Leo’s hair again, felt him moan against his cock, answered with a groan. Leo started moving his head in earnest, slowly, taking him a little deeper each time. The rhythm was awkward, but it still drove Ravi crazy, because it was Leo’s mouth around him, tongue sliding around him, throat opening to take him all the way. He didn’t know how long he could stand it.

Desperate, Ravi clenched his fingers in Leo’s hair, his other hand flying up to muffle his moans. Catching his urgency, Leo moved faster, pressed harder with his hands.

‘Leo,’ panted Ravi. ‘Leo, I can’t -’ He tried to pull away, but Leo just held tighter, and Ravi couldn’t hold back. With a single, helpless jerk of his hips he came, right into Leo’s mouth, and, unbelievably, felt the vocalist struggle to swallow him. Unable to stay upright any longer, he collapsed to the floor. He reached for Leo with shaking hands, gathered him close. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said when he could catch his breath. ‘I didn’t mean -’

‘Stop it,’ replied Leo. ‘I wanted to. Although -’ he paused, made a face. ‘Tastes strange.’ Ravi gaped at him for a moment, then they were both laughing, burying their faces in each other to keep the noise down. Idiots, thought Ravi, happier than he’d ever been in his life. We’re both idiots.

A few days later, in a rare day at home, Ravi overheard a snatch of conversation from Hakyeon’s room that left him tense and wondering. Hongbin was saying, ‘- don’t think they know.’

‘How could they not?’ asked Hyuk in disbelief.

‘I don’t think it’s even occurred to them,’ said Hongbin simply, and Hakyeon laughed.

After that, Ravi policed himself even closer. The knowledge that the others knew about him and Leo worried at him until he over-analysed even the slightest contact between them. His behaviour baffled Leo. ‘Stop thinking about it,’ he said, poking at the crease between Ravi’s brows. But Ravi couldn’t. He’d lived with it for too long to forget just how much they were risking. And he couldn’t, wouldn’t be the one who ended Leo’s career by being indiscreet.

The next day was the television taping. Everyone, for once, was ready early. As they filed out of the house, Hakyeon caught Ravi’s arm, held him back. The composer tried to keep his expression neutral, but he could feel the pulse jumping in his neck and his convulsive swallow to wet a suddenly dry throat. This is it. This is where I’m kicked out.

‘Did you never wonder,’ asked Hakyeon softly, ‘where I was at night? I know you saw.’ Of all things Ravi had thought he’d hear, that was the least expected. ‘I told you to trust, Wonsik. Now I’m asking for yours.’ Some kind of response was clearly called for, but Ravi was having difficulty just processing Hakyeon’s words. He just nodded. ‘It started when we were working on Fantasy. Hongbin, Sanghyuk and I … we became close. More than close.’ The leader let out his breath with the most unguarded sound Ravi had ever heard him make, and, unbelievably flushed. ‘It’s different with Jaehwan. He’s sweet, but - those two …’

Ravi stared at him, mind working furiously. He’d seen it, the touches, the endearments, the comfort they’d seemed to take in just being near each other. But he’d thought it was no more than that, because he just couldn’t imagine seeing it in anyone else. It’d been his shameful secret for so long - and now Hakyeon was standing there, telling him he wasn’t the only one? He covered his face with his hands, feeling tears rise.

Hakyeon tugged his hands down. ‘Do you understand what I’m saying to you?’ he asked, low and urgent. ‘It’s all right. Yes, you still have to be discreet - but not with us. Never with us. We love you both.’ He rubbed his thumbs in soothing circles over the backs of Ravi’s hands. ‘Love each other.’

Ravi had nowhere to hide, could only duck his head as his tears spilled over. Struggling to calm himself, he said, ‘You - you said Fantasy. Was it the music?’

Hakyeon considered. ‘Perhaps at first,’ he replied. ‘Every new song takes us differently. You and Hongbin feel it more than I, I think. Taekwoon, most of all. But it doesn’t make us into something we’re not.’ He closed his eyes. ‘I think it makes us more ourselves each time,’ he whispered. His hands tightened on Ravi’s. ‘Thank you.’

There was a noise at the door, and Ravi jerked his head up to see Leo glaring at them. It had to look terrible - Hakyeon close, holding his hands, while he cried. The leader let go, and stepped back. ‘We’re coming now, Taekwoon,’ but Leo was already moving, interposing himself, grabbing Ravi by the arms. He looked as if he couldn’t make up his mind whether to cry, or to hit the composer.

‘What,’ he grated, ‘is happening here?’

There was simply no way to explain. Trust, Ravi told himself. Take the risk. ‘Shut up, chagiya,’ he muttered, and pulled Leo’s head down to kiss him. Leo froze, tried to break free, but Ravi simply turned them both so that Leo was against the wall and pressed against him. Trapped, Leo lost any will to resist. His arms came up around Ravi.

‘About time,’ said Hongbin from the doorway.

Chapter Text

They were in bed again, having waved off the evening meal. Jaehwans cheerful, ‘Have fun!’ still felt entirely strange to Ravi. The idea of not having to hide from the group took a lot of getting used to - it had been nearly a week after the talk with Hakyeon before he felt entirely comfortable sitting in the common area with Leo in his lap, both of them squashed into a chair while Hyuk and Hongbin took up the entirety of the couch. And the first time Ravi saw Hakyeon kiss Hyuk while Jaehwan sat on the floor cuddled up to his leader’s legs, he didn’t know where to look. It didn’t stop Leo, though, from insisting on his own kisses. Since Ravi had kissed him in the hallway, he’d become increasingly likely to take the lead, at least when it came to displays of affection in front of the others.

‘You’re not listening.’ Leo poked him. Ravi quickly apologised, tried to remember what they’d been talking about.

‘I asked you,’ Leo went on, ‘how you felt about us doing LR again? And the new concept?’

It had come as a surprise to both of them when management suggested a follow-up to Beautiful Liar, although the others, Hongbin in particular, treated it as virtually inevitable. ‘Of course it was going to happen,’ he said. ‘The video alone … you two broke hearts everywhere.’ Jaehwan had nodded in vigorous agreement, Hakyeon, more seriously, pointed out that the album’s success had been a challenge to the entire industry.

‘I don’t know,’ Ravi answered honestly. ‘The idea of working with you again - just you - is wonderful. But … I’m a little scared with what they’re asking us to become this time.’ No longer two halves of one person, but two beings - a sensual, beautiful angel and a passionate demon, tied together by fate, echoing in each other’s lives. In some ways, it was almost too close to the truth.

Leo laid his hand along Ravi’s face, kissed him. ‘I feel it, too,’ he said.

‘I’m afraid it will change us.’

‘What did you say Hakyeon told you? That it just makes us more ourselves?’ Leo’s eyes were wide and trusting. ‘I want to do it.’

And there was only one answer to that. ‘Then we’ll do it,’ said Ravi. He propped himself on one elbow, leaned over to kiss Leo. The vocalist responded eagerly, hands already beginning to roam. When Ravi tried to respond in kind, Leo pushed his arms away.

‘No,’ he whispered, teasing. Ravi gave him a reproachful look, reached for him again. Once more Leo stopped him. ‘I told you, no,’ he growled. His voice seemed deeper, far more forceful than his usual tone. It sent a peculiar thrill through Ravi.

‘What’s this? Are you taking charge, chagiya?’

Leo rose up over him, eyes suddenly black, pupils blown. Then Ravi was being pushed into the mattress, his mouth claimed and bruised as Leo kissed him with punishing force. His face was trapped between long fingers that dug into the sides of his jaw. Panic surged up in him, but he had no strength, no breath to fight. And, truly, he didn’t want to - the demon in him that had always wanted this urged him to surrender.

Then, shockingly, his mouth was free and the weight was gone. His eyes flew open as he gulped for air. He looked around wildly. Leo had torn himself away so violently he’d fallen from the other side of the bed. His body curled tightly in on himself, his hands pushed against his face. He was shaking violently.

Ravi hurled himself out of bed, crouched down. ‘Leo? What is it? Look at me,’. Leo shook his head violently.

‘You have to go.’ Leo’s voice was strangled in his throat. ‘Please. Please, Ravi. Go. I can’t - he’s close - please, go.’

Truly worried now, Ravi fell back on old habits. He put his hand on Leo’s back, began to rub across the tight muscles, his only thought to offer comfort. Instead of relaxing, Leo pulled in even tighter on himself. At a loss, Ravi tugged at Leo’s hands, tried to pull them away from his face. ‘Leo. Ssh. Leo. Look at me, it’s all right.’

Leo’s head came up, and Ravi was confronted by two blazing, utterly black eyes, set in a face that was twisted with fear. The shock robbed him of any response. ‘I can’t hold him for long,’ he choked. ‘Please. Get away.’ He shoved ineffectually at Ravi. ‘Please. Just do this for me.’

Everything in Ravi screamed at him to stay, but just as obviously, he could see his mere presence was only adding to Leo’s torment. He stood up on unsteady legs, held his shirt dangling from one hand. ‘Leo, I don’t want - all right,’ he said hopelessly. ‘I’ll be right next door. If you need -’ He stopped as Leo simply dug his fingers into his face, blocking his own vision.

Don’t leave him. We can’t go back to that. But his feet were already carrying him towards the door. He hesitated, looking back, anguish swelling in his throat - then almost threw himself out into the hall, pulled the door shut behind him and leaned against it. He stayed there, surrounded by sounds of love and low conversation, crowded silence behind him.

Only when exhaustion overtook him did he drag himself back to his own bed, where he lay face up without speaking, hand pressed to the wall, waiting for a knock that never came.

*****

Waking alone made Ravi want to simply roll over and pull the pillow over his head. He knew if he didn’t surface, though, there would be - not questions, really, because the others never pried - concerned looks, offers of reassurance. That was something he just couldn’t deal with, and so he climbed out of his bed and steeled himself to face the day.

He told himself to expect to be pushed away, even ignored. But Leo simply came up to him as soon as he entered the common area, wrapped his arms around him and whispered into his hair, ‘I’m sorry’. He didn’t sound like he expected to be forgiven.

Ravi hugged him tightly. ‘Are you all right now, chagiya?’

‘I think so. But Ravi …’ Leo’s voice trailed off, became hard to hear even though his mouth was by Ravi’s ear. ‘If I ask you to go, please …’

Ravi’s heart sank. ‘Leo, we -’

‘If you’re going to do that, can you at least move out of the way of the kitchen?’ said Hongbin, sounding sleep-deprived and in no mood for anything. Leo pulled Ravi even closer, leaning back against the wall.

‘There. Now you can get past,’ he said. Hongbin sighed, but there was clearly space for him now. As he moved into the kitchen, the reason for his mood called out from the bedrooms, ‘Bean, bring me something sweet!’ Apparently the maknae had picked up Jaehwan’s habit of silly nicknames.

‘I swear, sometimes I don’t know why I put up with him,’ muttered Hongbin, inspecting the contents of the refrigerator.

‘Yes, you do,’ said Ravi. ‘You’re worse than we are.’

Hongbin looked up at them in disbelief. ‘Believe me, Wonshik, no one is worse than you two. Not even Hakyeon’s pet.’

Ravi debated replying, but it really wasn’t worth it. Besides, Leo was kissing the side of his neck, and concentrating on anything else was rapidly becoming impossible.

‘Ugh,’ came Sanghyuk’s voice from behind them. ‘We have rooms for a reason, you know.’ Ravi just flapped a hand at him in dismissal.

‘Oh, come here, monster,’ said Hongbin.

Ravi knew that his interrupted talk with Leo was going to have to take place sooner or later, but somehow there never seemed to be an opportunity. Either everyone else was around, they were working, or they were so exhausted they fell into bed and were asleep in each other’s arms by the time they exchanged only a few kisses. It was little consolation that the others were similarly affected. At least, Ravi told himself when he woke at night in a tangle of limbs, the tension in Leo seemed to have subsided for the moment. The vocalist lavished affection on him at every opportunity, sneaking touches when he could, sending texts in the middle of fan meetings that made Ravi blush.

He even - and this absolutely floored the others - voluntarily performed an aegyo that had the Starlights screaming, and Jaehwan, the self-proclaimed king of cute, swearing vengeance. Ravi quickly snapped a photo of Jaehwan’s outraged face and collapsed over the table laughing. Leo, blushing furiously, retreated to his seat and dropped his head on his arms. Unable to stop himself, Ravi reached over and ruffled his hair. Under cover of the cries of delight from the fans, he leaned in and said, ‘If you don’t stop that, we’ll both be in trouble.’ Leo turned his head, face still hidden from the audience, and gave him a smile that took Ravi’s breath away.

As the days passed, and they became closer than ever, Ravi tried not to let himself hope that the worst was over.

Chapter Text

It had been a relatively easy day for all of them; for once they didn’t all just fall asleep as soon as they got home. Around eight, the trio on the couch stirred, disappeared into their rooms without a word. They were followed quickly by Jaehwan, who'd retreated to a nest of cushions near the tv. Ravi, in the kitchen making coffee, looked at Leo in surprise, but the vocalist just gave him a small smile, rose, and went to his own room. It had all the hallmarks of a set-up. Briefly, Ravi wondered whether panic might be appropriate. Retreat might only make it worse, though, because then he’d have nowhere left to run. Irresolute, he stood in the kitchen, spoon in one hand, coffee quite forgotten.

There were noises coming from that end of the home, but as yet no one had returned. Taking the chance, Ravi carried his mug over to the chair near the window. It wasn’t where he wanted to be, but with the others awake and wandering around, he couldn’t go to Leo. At least this way, if there was a prank planned, he’d see it coming.

One by one, the others came back to the common area. Far from looking ready to turn in, they were dressed for a night out. All four wore soft, bright shirts, and pants almost as tight as those in which they usually performed. Hakyeon and Hongbin had lined their eyes. Sanghyuk’s hair was tousled in a way that could only occur with a lot of thought and product. And Jaehwan had drawn even more attention to his lips with the addition of gloss. Ravi just stared at them. Predictably, Jaehwan struck a pose. ‘Yes, be stunned by my beauty!’

Hongbin, one arm around Hakyeon, gave Jaehwan a shove. ‘Leave him alone. You’ll get more than your share of attention tonight.’

‘You’re going out looking like that?’ exclaimed Ravi. ‘You’ll get mobbed. Unless … did something get added to the schedule?’

‘Nothing at all!’ said Sanghyuk. ‘Anyway, we’ll be in disguise.’ He waved a completely unconvincing face mask, and Ravi sighed.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Hakyeon. ‘I’ll look after them.’ Ravi, looking at the way the leader was dressed, had his doubts, but kept them to himself. ‘You have fun here, we’ll be fine.’ Hakyeon’s look was knowing, just short of mischievous.

The others were already grabbing their coats. ‘Don’t wait up!’ called Jaehwan from the front door, and Hyuk snorted with laughter. Then they were gone, footsteps rapidly disappearing down the hall. Ravi sat a moment longer, trying to work out what was going on. Everything appeared to be arranged to leave him alone with Leo, but - no, there was no way Leo would have asked. It had to have been Hakyeon’s idea, his way of leaving them space - why am I still sitting here? He was out of the chair, halfway down the hall, before he realised he’d forgotten the mug in his hand. Irritated, he backtracked just far enough to leave it on a side table. He arrived at Leo’s door out of breath, turned the handle and entered.

On the few occasions they didn’t go to bed together, Leo would be there as soon as he stepped in, impatient for kisses. Tonight, though, the room was dark and still. Ravi could just make out Leo’s form under the covers, curled up. Not inviting. Ravi moved towards the bed.

‘Go.’

Not again. Ravi almost turned to leave, stopped himself. It was time they faced this, moved past it. ‘No.’

Leo’s voice sounded strangled. ‘Go, I said.’

Instead of obeying, Ravi came all the way into the room, took off his clothes, and lay down facing Leo. ‘I’m not going anywhere but here, Leo. I’ve told you before, I’m not afraid of you. I know you won’t hurt me.’

‘You’re not afraid.They’re all gone, and you’re not afraid.’ Something strange in the voice, but Ravi was focused on making Leo hear him.

‘I’m not. I know I’m safe with you.’

There was a sudden flurry of movement. Ravi felt hands grabbing at his shoulders, flipping him face down effortlessly. Then there was a weight on his hips and shoulders. He was straddled, pinned. The figure above him laughed low in his throat. It wasn’t Leo’s voice. With a sudden, hard spike of fear and arousal, Ravi realised. He was alone with the angel. Exactly what Leo had feared could happen.

Long fingers wrapped around Ravi’s throat, squeezed just enough to restrict breath. Reflexively, he bucked, trying to break free, but he was too effectively restrained. The angel squeezed harder, leaned over to whisper in Ravi’s ear. ‘You think you’re safe?’ Terrified, more turned on than he’d ever been in his life, Ravi couldn’t even draw breath to speak. The hand holding his neck slid up to cup his jaw, pulled his face to one side. He stared up into eyes that were impossibly black. The angel gave him a smile that was pure cruelty.

‘You will never be safe with me.’ He wound his hand into Ravi’s hair and pulled back his head. Struggling to breathe, Ravi felt the angel’s mouth on his throat, felt teeth.

He managed to gasp, ‘Don’t - ‘ They had been so careful not to leave traces on each other.

The angel whispered, ‘I’ll do more than mark you’. He bit again, hard, this time on the back of the neck. Ravi twisted, moaning; it hurt, but something in him loved it, craved more. Alternating kisses and bites, the angel trailed his mouth down Ravi’s back. Even if he could have moved, Ravi couldn’t have stopped him. He was drowning in pleasure, pierced by pain.

He was turned, the reddened flesh of his back catching against the sheet. Above him, the angel stared down, pure predator, all intense eyes and mouth and something Ravi knew had to be his own fevered imagination, shadows that draped around him like long hair and wings. The angel reached down, ran his fingers over Ravi’s face, then dragged his hand down, nails just scraping. ‘I’ll take you,’ he promised. ‘Anywhere I want, any way I want.’

Ravi gasped. ‘ … yes’.

The angel slid his knee between Ravi’s thighs and pushed his hips forward, and Ravi felt his cock against his buttocks. He arched. ‘Claim you.’ The hand was back around his throat, holding him still. ‘You wear my collar. My chains. Always. In here.’ He tapped Ravi’s forehead, heart, and Ravi felt the weight of the collar settle around his neck.. ‘You exist for me.’

An image flashed through his mind, something he’d pushed away. Performing live, stripping off his jacket to reveal the harness and collar beneath, grateful that his back was turned to the audience, because the tight leather pants hid absolutely nothing.. And a look in Leo’s eyes he hadn’t wanted to believe was real. ‘... yes.’

Ragged, low voice. ‘Possess you.’ Ravi was incoherent, utterly unable to answer. He looked up at the angel - his darkness, his always-denied desire, born of his absolute need to surrender - wearing the face of the man he loved. Was Leo in there, watching, horrified? Hating himself? The angel’s grasp slackened for a moment, and Ravi knew that if he moved, he could free himself, stop this before it happened.

Deny himself. Deny Leo. Be half of what they could be together.

Deliberately, eyes locked on the angel’s, Ravi arched his back, exposing his throat. The angel leaned over him, hesitated - then brought his mouth down on Ravi’s in a soft, slow kiss that nearly brought him to tears. He closed his eyes, gave himself up to it, thinking hard as he had all those nights ago with his hand on the wall, willing Leo to hear. Yes … yes … all of you … everything.

Weight shifted above him, and his mouth was free. The sudden scent of coconut and honey filled the room, made him freeze. It was his own, his favourite lotion, the one Hongbin had accused him of liking only because it smelled like a drink. He took that, too? Then warm, slippery hands were sliding up his thighs, dipping between them, forcing them apart. One finger pressed between his buttocks, circled, teasing. Ravi moaned, pushed back, and he was breached, invaded. The angel added a second finger, began slowly moving them inside Ravi, laughing when Ravi hissed at the sudden stretching pain.

Ravi twisted, helpless, half-crazy with the maddening, unhurried rhythm. Without thinking, he freed one hand, reached for his cock. The angel knocked him away. ‘You don’t touch,’ he warned, emphasising his words with a sudden thrust of his fingers. Ravi let out a cry, tangled his hand in the sheets, held on for dear life, soaked in sweat, shaking.

The angel crooked his fingers, rubbed. ‘You don’t touch unless I say. You don’t touch me unless I say. I touch you.’ Ravi nearly fainted from the surge that ripped through him. He felt it begin, a wave of shuddering that started deep, spread through his thighs, his stomach, taking his whole body. His mouth opened wide to cry out, to beg, something, but the angel slammed his free hand over Ravi’s mouth. He couldn’t hold it, he screamed against the fingers, and everything went white as he came so hard he thought he wouldn’t survive.

His body was still spasming as the angel pulled out his fingers. Without giving him time to even catch his breath, the angel had him by the hips, was pushing into him, filling and stretching him. His fingers dug into Ravi’s skin; through them, Ravi could feel the angel trembling, barely under control. He pulled back a little, but Ravi snapped his hips up, keeping him inside. The angel snarled, buried himself in Ravi, drawing a gasp of pain, answering with a growl.

Then there was no more restraint, only the angel moving in Ravi, pushing his legs up and apart. He kept changing the rhythm, rocking slowly and sensually, then suddenly thrusting forward, hard. Ravi couldn’t keep silent, lifting to meet it, wanting more, wanting faster. The angel seemed to encourage his cries, but refused to increase his pace. He reached between them and took hold of Ravi’s cock, stroking him in time with the quickening thrusts. Ravi, absolutely out of his mind, writhed, clenched around the angel, pushing his head back on the mattress.

‘Look at me,’ the angel commanded.

Ravi wanted to do what the angel said - everything he said - but his body wouldn’t obey. A broken, needy moan spilled from his lips. The angel’s hand tightened on his cock, making him hiss.

‘Look at me,’ and there was no arguing with that voice. He opened his eyes and the angel was staring at him, heated black gaze that threatened to devour him. It was terrifying. Fear shot through him again, tangling inextricably with his desire. Drowning, Ravi let out a desperate gasp.

‘Say my name.’

Ravi whispered. ‘Angel.’

The hand resumed stroking him, driving him again towards the edge. ‘Again.’

‘Angel … angel, angel.’ Ravi, moaning, desperate, heard the angel now letting out involuntary sounds, starting to shake with the effort of holding to his rhythm.

‘Say it again.’

There was something different in the voice, tight with tension, close to coming, but something else as well. Shuddering, Ravi stared up - and saw it. The dark, intense gaze of the angel, passion laced with cruelty, infinitely dangerous and so impossible to resist - and just barely visible, rising in that darkness, trust, and fear, and love. He reached up, grabbed the angel and pulled his face closer. Clenched his fists in the angel’s hair, saw the eyes fly wide, groaned, ‘Leo.’

And he was lost, felt himself fly apart, straining upwards, the only thing in his ears the angel’s own cry, torn from him as he lunged against Ravi, hips stuttering, collapsing against him, both of them falling, falling.

‘Mine,’ whispered the angel, low and harsh and satisfied. But it was Leo who pulled him into an embrace, Leo who covered his face with kisses.

Mine, thought Ravi, and held him tight.