Archive of Our Own ^beta

But what was he supposed to do now? Now when he knew that everything would fall apart, when he knew the end was closer once again. Should he just walk out from the bathroom and tell Harry straight out that his leukemia was back again? Hell, Louis hadn't even talked with the doctors yet but there was no doubt, his illness was back again. And fuck it, how did he not notice earlier. He had been tired for ages and always woken up sweating like a pig, he knew something had been wrong but fuck he thought he was over this. He should have checked it up earlier, told Harry or anyone. He should have talked to the doctors when he first started feeling bad, they had told him three years ago when he got discharged that if he got new problems or worried he should contact them. But he hadn't because fuck he was stupid and thought if he ignored it it would go away. He didn't want to go back to the hospital again, he had spent enough time there for a life time.

First time he had to spend a longer time at the hospital he had been eight and had not understood anything but knew that he was just really sick and that his body hurt all the time and he was so tired. His mum had cried every time she visited him and Louis had asked her every time if he could go out and play. He had spent four months in hospital before being told that he was officially cancer free but that there was a big chance that he might get sick again and that he had to come back every month for check up the first year out of hospital and then go to yearly check ups. It was first when Louis was eighteen and just had moved away from Doncaster that the doctors noticed something was wrong with his health again, they caught the illness quickly and stopped it from spreading before it got too serious, he was treated with chemotherapy for a long time and he was sure he would die. He felt so bad most of the days, he couldn't get out of the bed (not that he was allowed to, only a few times a week they would let him take a walk with a nurse so he wouldn't die of boredom). He was so weak and he lost all of his hair and he had never felt sicker in his entire life and it was all because of his medicine. But it helped and at the age on nineteen, almost twenty, they told him he was okay again and that it would take some time to regain his strength but he would be fine for now. The time of recovery had been hard but he had met Harry a few month later and they had been together ever since.

That was all three years ago, three years without cancer and now poof it was back. Fuck it. With a deep sigh Louis took an other look on the mirror, his back facing it so he had to turn his neck slightly to see his reflection and sure enough, there it was. A big damn blue bruise. It hadn't gotten there like normal bruises, Louis knew that, he would know if he had hurt himself or if Harry had accidentally pressed up him too hard against the wall during one of their snogging sessions. Louis would have known and remembered that. But there was no explanation for this bruise, he hadn't hurt himself and linking his other symptoms to it there was no doubt. He was sick again.

Louis quickly darted his eyes away from the mirror and sighed. He didn't want to go through this again, he sank down on the floor and rested his back against the cool wall beside the door. The shower was running because he was one of those who turned the shower on before getting undressed so it would get to the right temperature. He had been about to get into the shower when he had caught sight of the bruise.

His phone was laying beside his pants on the floor carelessly and Louis picked it up. After staring at the object for a while, trying to clear his mind he dialed his mum's number. She picked up on the fourth ring with a cheerful hello and Louis felt bad, that cheerful tune would soon be gone.

"Hi mum." he murmured and he wasn't sure if she heard him over the shower running in the background.

"Is everything alright?" her cheerful tune was now worried as she heard Louis' weak voice and Louis closed his eyes for a moment, he hated this.

"It's back." his voice was surprisingly strong as the first tears ran down his cheeks. It was done now, he had told her, there was no turning back he would have to go back to the hospital because she knew now. It wasn't a secret and fuck he couldn't ignore it any longer. He couldn't pretend that he was fine. He heard his mum's sharp intake of air and then a few shaky breaths, as if she was trying not to cry.

"Are...are you sure?" she asked and Louis sighed and nodded to himself.

"Yes, I've been feeling a bit unwell for some time and I just found a bruise on my back; there's no other explanation." a silence laid between them for a while, the only thing to be heard was their uneven breaths and small sobs and sniffles.

"Have you told Harry?" she asked after a deep breath and Louis felt a few more tears make their way out from his eyes and down his cheeks. He didn't want to tell Harry, Harry would be so sad and god Louis hated it when Harry was sad, especially when it was his fault. Not that Louis could have done anything to prevent himself from falling ill, well he could have accepted it earlier and maybe gotten better quicker.

He sighed deeply and tried to swallow down the lump that had formed in his throat.

"No, I eh I think I'll go to the doctors before so I know a bit more. Maybe it's nothing." the last part he whispered because even though he knew there was no chance he wasn't sick he still hoped he wasn't; that he was overreacting and had nothing to worry about. He could almost see his mum frowning when he heard her sigh.

"Okay darling, but tell him as soon as you're back from the doctors. He loves you and if it turns out to be something then he will want to be there for you and you will need him."

"I will mum, promise. I'll call the doctors now." he whispered and they said their good byes and his mum told him to keep strong. Louis decided to turn off the shower before calling his doctor. He could faintly hear the television from downstairs which meant Harry was nowhere near and wasn't in risk of hearing the conversation Louis would soon have. With his eyes locked on the mirror, staring straight into his own eyes he called the number he had been given from the hospital. A number he had if he ever felt scared that he might be bad again. Louis had only called the number once before and it was to ask if he could change his check up time a year ago. Still staring at his own reflection he clicked 'Call', it felt as if he was daring his reflection to break, to crumble in front of him. He was paler than he used to be and he had gotten thinner, Louis could see that now and sure, maybe he had seen it before but just ignored it as an attempt to make it go away (it hadn't worked very well, obviously).

"Hello, you've come to the receptionist of the hospital's Cancer department." a female voice answered and Louis took a deep breath and tried to take strength from the scared boy that was staring back at him from the mirror.

"Hello, my name's Louis Tomlinson and I got released from the hospital three years ago after being treated for leukemia and before that I was treated for it when I was eight." he took an other deep, shaky, breath before continuing. "I have reasons to belive I've relapsed since I've for about a month now noticed flaws in my health and today I noticed a bruise on my back that shouldn't be there."

The lady hummed and Louis heard her type away on the computer before she spook again. "Okay Mr Tomlinson, I have your file here and I will book an appointment with Doctor Miles for you. Be here at eight tomorrow morning and she will have a look at you. If you suddenly get worse don't hesitate to call again and we'll make sure you'll be alright." her voice was calm and Louis wondered how many times she had repeated that sentence.

"Okay thank you." Louis said and kept his gaze fixed on his reflection's dull blue eyes. The lady said a 'Take care' and good bye before hanging up. Louis sat still, phone still pressed against his ear and back resting against the wall. He was so tired and he didn't know what to do. He curled up more and wrapped his thin arms around his legs and pulled his knees up so he could rest his chin on them. Once in that position he let the tears fall, he was so scared. What if they couldn't cure him this time, what if this time it was too bad, if he was far too gone already. He let out a sob and tried to block out all What if's. He couldn't do anything to stop it, his faith was in the doctors hands now. They had fixed it before, what said that they couldn't fix it this time. Louis would be fine, he had to be. He didn't want to die. Didn't want to leave Harry or his family, not his friends hell he didn't want to leave the classes with annoying whining teenagers that he taught every week day.

There was a knock on the bathroom door followed by Harry's dark mumbling voice.

"Is everything alright babe?" he sounded generally worried and Louis willed himself to swallow down the lump in his throat.

"Yea, I'll be out in a minute." he called out, other than the fact that his voice was slightly thicker than usually he sounded normal. With a deep breath he stood up, almost falling back down as the dizziness hit him and he sighed. He looked at his reflection again and remembered that he hadn't even gone into the shower so his hair was dry and a bit greasy; the reason he was going to shower from the beginning. There was no chance he could shower now without Harry knowing something was wrong and he couldn't go out from the bathroom bonedry after spending nearly an hour in there. He blinked away the tears and decided that fuck it he would have to tell Harry an excuse, maybe say that he didn't feel like cleaning his hair so he didn't even get it wet. He sighed and pulled on the clean clothes he had brought with him in to the bathroom.

He walked out and into his and Harry's bedroom where Harry was sitting on the bed with a small smile. When he saw Louis' slightly red eyes and bothered look his smile fell. He stood up instantly and walked over to his boyfriend and grabbed his shoulders carefully.

"What's wrong?" he asked and looked worriedly into Louis' eyes. Louis looked down and smiled lightly before shaking his head, dismissing the question.

"I have some work related things I have to fix before we'll go to bed, okay?" Louis said instead of answering Harry's question, Harry frowned at him but sighed and nodded.
"Okay, I'll make us some tea?" Louis nodded and smiled and watched Harry disappear from the room. Louis sat down by their desktop and started looking through the essays about 'The great fire of London' that one of his classes had just finished writing. About five minutes later Harry came up and gave Louis a cup and a kiss on his cheek, Louis smiled at Harry and pecked his lips before returning to reading. He was tired and his head hurt but he managed to grade seven papers. He had sixteen papers left to grade but he decided that was for an other day. He finished his tea at the same time as Harry and after brushing their teeth beside each other in silence they cuddled up on the bed, Louis' head resting on Harry's chest and Harry's big hand on the bottom of Louis' back, only a bit further down than the bruise, Louis noted. The bruise hurt slightly when he touched it so he tried to avoid it as far as possible and he was thankful Harry's hand wasn't touching it.

It felt like seconds after they said good night and I love you that Louis fell asleep. He fell into deep sleep and only woke up when Harry was carefully shaking him awake, minutes after their alarm had rung.

"Louis babe, wake up. You have to get ready for work, I've made some breakfast." Louis slowly opened his tired eyes and was met by Harry's worried green ones, it wasn't like Louis to be deep in sleep in the morning, he was usually a very light sleeper and woke up at any sound. He forced a small smile and nodded. His head hurt and he felt as if he hadn't gotten any sleep at all even though he had slept for a good eight hours.

"Okay, thank you." he said and sat up slowly, Harry kept watching him with a worried gaze and Louis flashed him an other forced smile, it didn't seem to reassure Harry though and a frown formed on the younger one's face.

"How are you?" he asked and gave Louis a look that clearly said 'don't you dare to lie'.

"Got a bit of a headache, don't worry." Louis answered and Harry sighed deeply but nodded, knowing Louis wouldn't say more about the matter. Harry left the room and Louis got dressed in a pair of jeans that had gotten a bit loose around his waist and pulled on one of Harry's long sleeved jumpers. He didn't care that it was big on him, it was comfortable. He cast a glance on the clock and hurried downstairs as he saw it was a quarter after seven. He had to leave at half past if he wanted to get to the hospital in time.

He and Harry ate breakfast while Harry talked about all the paper work he had to do today. Harry was a uni drop out, only twenty but a signed photographer since a month back. Louis had seen some of Harry's work and he couldn't deny the fact that Harry had talent, his photos were perfect and always had some kind of emotion in them, even if it was a picture of a chair or a bird. They always carried a messages and that's how he got signed; his pictures were unique and very liked.

Louis ate quickly and five minutes to half past he told Harry that he had to go to work earlier to prepare some stuff. The kissed for a minute before Louis left, when he sat in his car he sighed deeply and called his boss. He answered on the second ring.

"Mr Davids here."

"Yea hi it's Louis Tomlinson, I have to call in sick for at least the forenoon, I might be back after lunch but I'm not sure." he explained and he heard Davids smack his lips together and Louis could imagine the glare that his boss made.

"What's the matter?" he asked, knowing about Louis' history of illness.

"I don't really know yet but I have to go to a check up but it shouldn't take more than a couple of hours I hope." Louis informed and Mr Davids told him to take the time he needed before hanging up. With that Louis drove to the hospital, parking his car and trying to ignore the nervous feeling that had formed in his stomach. Suddenly he felt mad at himself, he should have told Harry and made Harry come with him. He didn't have to do this all alone and Harry wouldn't mind coming with him. Why did he have to be so stubborn all the time, why couldn't he accept the fact that he didn't have to do everything alone. He sighed to himself and entered the building, he walked up to the reception, knowing his way around here after all the hours he had spent walking around in the building with a nurse by his side and an IV hooked up on his arm.

The lady at the reception looked up when she heard him arriving and gave him a small smile. She was in her late forties with graying hair and kind dark blue eyes. Louis had seen her many times before and he was quite sure her name was Sara Adams, she was a nice lady and Louis had talked to her a lot when he was stuck in this building. She seemed to recognize Louis and gave him a sad smile.

"I will tell Doctor Miles that you're here." she said and Louis gave her a small smile and nod before sitting down in the waiting room. While he waited Louis picked up his phone seeing a new messages from his mother wishing him Good luck. Louis smiled and sent her back a Thanks before putting his phone in his pocket again. The clock on the wall was ticking loudly and Louis was alone in the waiting room beside an elderly woman who was reading a brochure about breast cancer and a man in his early thirties who was nervously looking at the clock. The man's leg was shaking and he was tapping with his fingers against his knee, he suddenly made eye contact with Louis and Louis could see the dark circles under his eyes and his dry lips. Louis sent him a small smile which the man returned before going back to staring at the clock as if willing it to go faster. A lady Louis had seen many times before entered the waiting room, she had a notebook in her hand and a sad smile on her lips. Louis had forgotten her name but she was a pretty woman about twenty eight years, she had brown curly hair and big brown eyes, she was one of the nurses that had walked around the hospital with Louis and Louis could see the look of surprise on her face when she saw him. Louis gave her a small smile and she cleared her throat.

"Mary Carter, Doctor Anderson is waiting in room twenty five, it's to the left." she informed and the lady who read about breast cancer stood up and walked the way she had been directed. The pretty woman who Louis still couldn't remember the name of walked over to him and Louis stood up, they hugged quickly and Louis saw how sad she looked and Louis tried to smile at her, to let her know he was alright, even though he wasn't.

"I was hoping I wouldn't see you here again." she said sadly and Louis shrugged.

"I was hoping I wouldn't have to go here again but you know how it is." he said with a sigh and glanced subtly at her nametag 'Danielle Peazer' and ah yes Louis did remember her name now. She was the nurse who was together with Doctor Payne, one of the nicer doctors Louis had met here.

"What is wrong now?" she asked worriedly and Louis couldn't help but sigh.

"Same old I think, haven't been feeling well lately and i noticed a bruise yesterday so yea." he said with a tired smile and sigh. She bit her lip and shook her head.

"You'll be fine, I'm sure of it. Why isn't Harry with you?" she asked and Louis blushed slightly in shame, the red noticeable against his pale skin. Danielle knew all about him and Harry since Louis and Liam sometimes met outside the hospital. "Don't tell me you didn't tell him." she warned and Louis looked down and sighed regretfully, he really wished he had told him now.

"I didn't want to until I knew for sure, I don't want him to worry." he murmured.

"Louis! That boy loves you, you can't keep things like this away from him just 'cause you're scared, he deserves to know." she said strictly and Louis nodded, still looking down in shame.

"I know, I know and I regret not telling him but it's a bit late now." he whispered and Danielle sighed angrily before nodding.

"Okay but you'll tell him today whatever it's good or bad news. I have to go back to work now." they hugged quickly again before Danielle walked away. A few minutes later she came back and nodded at Louis, telling him it was time. With a deep calming breath Louis stood up and the nervous guy gave him a small smile which Louis returned before going to the room Danielle had directed him to.

He knocked on the door before opening. Doctor Miles smiled at him and they shook hands before she told Louis to take a seat.

"Tell me about your symptoms." she said, going straight on point and Louis swallowed once before nodding.

"I've been feeling tired a lot lately even though I sleep as I should and I've been having headaches almost every day. I've lost some weight without trying and I've um been sore pretty much all over and I have a bruise on my back." Louis said while Dr Miles wrote it down on a notepad and nodded here and there. She looked up when she finished writing, pushing her glasses up on her nose, her eyes were kind but Louis could see some kind of sadness buried deep in them, Louis wondered what had caused it, maybe she had lost someone and that's why she worked with this. Her eyes were light brown as was her hair and her lips thin but very pink.

"Could you show me your bruise please?" she asked and Louis nodded and stood up and took off the shirt he had borrowed from Harry. He turned around so the doctor could see his back.

"Okay, thank you, you can put your shirt on and sit down again." she said and Louis quickly did so. "From what you've said, the bruise and your history with leukemia we have every reason to believe that you've relapsed. But we still have to take the same samples as every other patient has to." she paused and Louis nodded slowly "you can stay in that chair as we take the blood samples but we also have to take a sample from your marrow which I guess you've done before." Louis nodded again and tried not to shudder as he remembered the unpleasant feeling when they suck up some of the marrow from the hipbone, the feeling didn't last for long but it was long enough to make Louis feel uncomfortable.

The blood sample was taken easily, Louis' blood vessels easily accessible. When she had taken enough blood Louis got to lay down on his stomach against the uncomfortable brits. His pants were pulled down slightly so she could reach the backside of his hipbone easily, she numbs the area with an injection and Louis closed his eyes and tried to think of something else as she used a needle to suck up some marrow. He thought about Harry and what they were eating for dinner, trying to distract himself but he couldn't escape the unsettling feeling, a few seconds later and she was done and Louis pulled up his pants again.

"We will have the results by tomorrow but I'm ninety nine percent sure you have leukemia. Mrs Adams will call you by lunch tomorrow with the results and we'll make a plan for your treatment, you're no stranger to all this but if you have any questions you can call at any time, same goes if you suddenly get worse." Dr Miles said and Louis gave her a short nod, he knew how all this went, the waiting was one of the worst things. It was the part between knowing and not knowing that stressed Louis out, he wanted to know whatever it was bad or good news. Not just assuming, knowing, having it on a paper so there could be no more ignoring of it. They shook hands again and Louis walked out, meeting Danielle in the corridor, he gave her a sad smile and he saw tears form in her eyes and he groaned.

"Don't cry, you'll get me starting and nothing is sure yet." he said calmly and Danielle hugged him tightly, he hugged her back for a few minutes, none of them saying anything.

When they pulled away Louis gave her an other smile and they said their good byes before Louis left. He called his boss on the way and said that he would be at the school in five minutes. He didn't ask Louis how it went, knowing that the results wouldn't be back until tomorrow.

Louis' hip was still numb as he walked into the school. He was tired but taught the three lessons that was left of the day. When he got home he was beyond tired and his head was hurting again. Harry's car was already parked outside the flat when Louis arrived. He hadn't thought through how he was going to tell Harry at all but he knew he had to tell him so with dread filling his stomach he walked inside. Harry was in the kitchen and smiled brightly and called out a cheerful Hello when Louis came inside. Louis returned the greeting somewhat less enthusiastic and walked into the kitchen. When Harry saw Louis' tired form his smile dropped and Louis sighed.

"We have to talk." he said and he saw worry fill Harry's eyes but Louis couldn't send him a reassuring smile because 1) he was to tired to fake it and 2) he didn't want to give Harry any false hope.

"Of course." Harry said and sat down at the table, making it all seem more formal than Louis wanted it to be but either way he sat down opposite to Harry and bit his lip for a moment before nodding to himself, he was doing this.

"Okay so um I was at the hospital this morning." Louis saw Harry's confused look and gave him an sad smile. "Sorry for not telling you but I didn't want you to worry but I talked to my doctor and um we're both very sure that I'm sick again but we don't know for sure until tomorrow when the results come back." Louis' voice was silent as he spoke quickly and Harry blinked at him, mouth half open as if he wanted to say something. It took a moment before Harry found his voice again.

"Sick?" Harry knew about Louis' past but they had never really talked much about it. Louis had just recovered when he met Harry and was finally starting to feel good, he didn't wan to talk too much about the past so he had just told Harry that he was a recovering cancer patient and they had left it at that. Sure Harry had had questions and Louis had answered some of them but well they never talked about it coming back.

"Yea um leukemia." he mumbled and looked down, soon he heard Harry leave his chair and felt two arms wrap around him.

"But you're going to be alright, yea?" Harry's voice was thick with tears and Louis felt a lump form in his throat again.

"We don't know that yet." Louis whispered and Harry started crying silently.

"You have to be alright, you have to." he pleaded and Louis felt tears build up in his own eyes, he wanted to be alright. He swallowed thickly and nodded against Harry's chest that his head now was pressed up against as they were hugging.

"I want to be alright." he whispered and Harry held him tighter.

"You will be and you're not alone in this you know so please don't keep anything away from me." Harry said silently and Louis nodded.

"Okay but it's...it's not going to be pretty. Last time I was on chemo I pretty much laid in bed for a year, only walking around in the hospital every now and then. But I'll feel and look like shit so please if you want to come with then don't leave." Louis whispered.

"I wont leave, I swear, I would never leave you but you can't leave me either you know. You have to hold on." Harry whispered and looked at Louis with serious eyes.

"I will do my best." Louis whispered and Harry pecked his lips.

"I can't lose you." Harry whispered and Louis smiled sadly and nodded slowly.

"I love you." he said and Harry pecked his lips and said the three words back.

They were quiet for a while and somehow ended up with Harry sitting on the chair and Louis sitting on his lap. Harry had his arms tightly wrapped around his waist and Louis held back a wince as Harry touched the bruise. Apparently he didn't hide the wince as good as he thought and Harry unwrapped his arms quickly and gave Louis a panicked look.
"Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly and Louis gave him a tired smile and shook his head before blushing slightly.

"I have a um bruise on my back you just pressed against it slightly, don't worry." he explained and Harry's eyes softened in understanding.

"It's because the leukemia, right? That you got the bruise, I think I've read about it sometime that you could get bruises without any reason because you're losing platelets?" Harry asked and Louis nodded slowly and sighed.

"I think that's right, I never really checked up the whole 'Why' thing, I just know the symptoms and treatment." Louis said with a shrug and Harry bit his lip and nodded.

"I kinda googled it back when we met and you had told me about it, I wanted to know more about it." he scratched his back and blushed lightly before continuing. "And like lately you've gotten paler and lost weight and at first I didn't think about it but when you started looking tired I got worried because yea."

Louis nodded and sighed, he wasn't the only one that had noticed the flaws in his health then, Harry had noticed too.

"Why didn't you say something?" he asked, not judging, only curious and Harry smiled softly.

"I've asked you everyday if you were alright but you've pretty much ignored the question now haven't you?" Harry teased and pecked Louis' cheek as they turned slightly pink.

"Sorry, I probably should have checked it up earlier when I first started feeling bad." he admitted quietly and Harry hummed lowly.

"When did you decide to get it checked up?"

"Eh yesterday, I was going to the shower when I saw the bruise and well yea, I couldn't just ignore it but I didn't want to worry you just yet."

***

The next morning came faster than Louis would have liked and after a quick breakfast, kiss and promise to call when he had talked to the doctors Louis left for work. The time was going extra slow it felt like and in the middle of his second class he got a nosebleed. He had been in the middle of explaining what they would do next when his nose started dripping with blood and he had to excuse himself for a moment to leave for the bathroom to get some paper. He sighed when he held the paper against his bleeding nose, that was something he was used to from the first time he had fallen ill. He had had a nosebleed almost everyday and it took ages for it to stop. He walked back to the classroom with the paper still pressed against his nose and apologized to the class before returning to teaching them. He was this class mentor and had had them since they were sixteen, they were all eighteen now and would graduate in a couple of months. They didn't know about his illness but he could see some of them looking worried. He gave them a reassuring smile and ended the class five minutes earlier than usually because he was tired and didn't feel like keeping them five minutes when he didn't have any work for them to do. Two girls and a boy stayed back and Louis checked if his nose had stopped bleeding, it hadn't. He smiled questionably at them when they didn't make an effort to leave. It was three of his favorite students (yes he had favorites, don't judge him but he did prefer the ones who talked to him and did their homework over the jerks who didn't give a shit about school).

"Is everything alright?" he asked them and he saw Alison exchange a look with Collin and Tara.

"We're fine sir but we were wondering how you were? You've been looking tired lately." Alison said and Louis gave her a soft smile before sighing. He did find it a bit amusing that they had to call him Sir even though he was only a bit over four years older than them.

"I will probably be able to explain it all after lunch but you should hurry so you don't miss your lunch break, I heard they served pizza today." he said and Collin frowned while the girls nodded.

"Are you sick sir? My uncle just recovered from leukemia and he had nosebleeds like yours and was looking tired just like you are. Maybe you should get it checked up." he said seriously and Louis smiled at the ginger boy and nodded.

"I already have and I will get a call from my doctor soon, now hurry up I have a phone call to make and you need to get some food." they all nodded and left and Louis sighed before walking to his office. It was a quarter to one, Mrs Adams would probably call soon. Louis ate by his work desk and graded some more papers. He was almost done with all essays when the phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hello is this Mr Tomlinson?" Sara Adams asked and Louis felt his stomach tighten with nerves.

"Yes that would be me." he said and took a deep breath.

"I have just gotten the results from the samples you left yesterday and they're all positive. There is no doubt and we will want you to come back to the hospital by four today and you and Dr Miles will discuss how your treatment will go but at the moment it looks like chemotherapy and stem cell transplant is the only way to get rid of it. From the looks of it your symptoms should have started about two months ago so the cancer has spread a bit further than it had in your earlier states." Sara explained and Louis hummed trying to progress the information, this meant he had to stay at the hospital again and get a sick leave for work.

"Okay thank you Mrs Adams, I'll see you later." he said and they hung up. He sighed and waited a moment before texting Harry telling him that he had to go to the hospital at four and that he would like it if Harry joined him. Almost instantly he got a reply from Harry saying 'Of course x'. Louis smiled sadly before sending a messages to his mum telling her that it was back and that he would call her when he knew more.

Taking a deep breath he looked at the clock seeing it was twenty minutes til his next class started, he would have drama lesson with the same class he had had before lunch and he would have to tell them that he was sick. With a deep sigh he stood up and walked over to the head master's office, he knocked at the door and waited til he heard a 'Come in' and opened the door. Mr Davids didn't seem surprised to see Louis enter, he only nodded knowingly and told him to sit down. Louis did so and sighed.

"I have to leave at half past three and I'm probably not coming back for this semester, I'll ask Dr Miles to write a medical certificate and then we'll see how long I'll have to stay at the hospital." Louis informed and Mr Davids nodded slowly. Mr Davids was a man in his fifties with grayish hair, he was always dressed in a suit but he had kind blue gray eyes that seemed understanding somehow. Louis had thought he was a very strict man when they first met but soon learned that Mr Davids was quite nice and fun when he tried.
"Okay, I hope you'll get better soon Louis. You are very liked by the students which is something rare now days." Davids said and Louis gave him a small smile and nod.

"Thank you. Well I better get going. I'll see you later." he said and stood up, Mr Davids nodded and said a good bye which Louis returned before he walked to the classroom. A few students were already seated in the room, talking loudly with each other, they greeted Louis with a chipper 'Good day Mr Tomlinson' when he entered followed by some giggles. Louis only smiled at them before looking through the notes he had for the lesson, they were in the middle of a play and Louis felt a tug at his heart as he realized he probably wouldn't be there to see them preform it, he wouldn't be there to see them graduate because fuck he would be in hospital drugged with strong medicine. He sighed and waited for everyone to walk into the classroom. They all sat down and Louis gave them a tired smile and tried to calm himself, it was a drama lesson after al,l he would have to act collected and not like he was on the verge of crying.

"Hello again, hope your lunch time was pleasant. Eh before we start today I have some news for you." he said slowly and sat down on the edge of the desk in front of the students. "I wont be here for the rest of the semester and I don't know who will take over my place here yet but from today I wont be teaching here for a while." he said and bit his lip as he saw their confused and sad faces. "I um I've fallen ill and I'll have to take some time to try to get better." before they could question what his illness was Louis stood up and smiled sadly "I have leukemia but I've recovered from it twice before so hopefully it will be okay this time too but I'll have to be treated at the hospital and that's why I wont be teaching you." he sighed and smiled at them. "Bu we have better things to talk about today; the premiere of your play is in two months and I was thinking we could start with scene fourteen today."

The students were a bit in off the beginning of the scene and Louis understood them, news like that were always tuff to hear and they would probably dwell on it for a few days and to hear that the teacher they had had for two years wouldn't set their final grade when there was only two months left in school was quite awful. Louis felt bad for leaving them but it wasn't like he had a choice, he couldn't wait til the summer to start his treatment then it would be too late.

When the class ended the majority of the class stayed back to wish Louis luck and give him a hug. He smiled as they left and thanked them all. He hadn't really realized that he was that liked by his class. Even some of the students that always complained and whined about everything stayed back and told him to take care. He had one last class before he had to leave to the hospital and it passed quickly, he informed them about his illness too and ended the class a bit earlier so he wouldn't be late for his meeting with Doctor Miles. They all wished him luck as he went.

When he arrived at the hospital he saw Harry standing outside with a nervous look covering his face. Louis gave him a soft smile before pecking his lips and taking his hand in his own.

"Relax, we're only going to talk today, nothing to worry about." Louis said lowly and Harry nodded and squeezed his hand tightly as they walked into the building together. They were ten minutes early and Louis walked up to the reception with Harry beside him and smiled at Sara. She smiled back sadly and told him she would tell Dr Miles that he was there. Louis thanked her before they went to sit down in the waiting room. A minute later and Danielle walked over to them and smiled softly.

"Sara said you'd be here, how are you feeling?" she asked and Louis shrugged.

"Been better." he answered honestly and Danielle nodded before giving Harry a small smile.

"Good to see you again Harry, long time since last." she said and Harry nodded and squeezed Louis' hand tighter making Louis giggle quietly before looking at Danielle.

"I think Harry's more nervous than I am." he said and saw a blush creep up on Harry's cheek as a small smile broke out on his face.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled and Louis pecked his cheek. Danielle smiled at them before sighing.

"Well boys it was nice seeing you though the circumstances could have been better. I have to go back to work now." she said and left after giving them an other small smile. As she left Louis rested his head on Harry's shoulder and yawned. A young girl who could be no older than seven sat on her mum's knee on one of the other couches in the room, her eyes were green with brown strands and her hair was long and dark blonde. She looked tired and her skin was way too pale for her to be alright but she smiled brightly at Louis when their eyes met and Louis smiled back at her. On one of the armchairs there was an old man with glasses and a walker parked beside the chair. He was reading a newspaper but Louis didn't think he could read much the way his hands were shaking.

Dr Miles walked into the waiting room and smiled at Louis when she saw him and Harry, Louis stood up and tugged Harry along with him. Dr Miles lead them to a different room than the one Louis had been at yesterday, this room was way smaller and the only furniture in the room was a table with a computer in one of the corners of the room and a table in the middle of the room with two chairs on the long sides of it, there were two more chairs standing against the wall beside a large bookshelf filled with books. Harry brought one of the two chairs to the table and Dr Miles shook hands with them both before they all sat down. Harry was quick to grab Louis' hand again and Louis gave him a small smile before looking at Dr Miles who had her notepad on the table and a file with big letters saying 'LOUIS WILLIAM TOMLINSON, 1991, 12, 24, LEUKEMIA' Louis had seen the file many times but it always gave him a slap of reality, it somehow made him feel sicker when he got to see it like that, his doctors usually brought the file with them when they had check ups and other meetings with Louis but he still felt weird seeing it.

"As you know the results came back from the samples we took yesterday leaving no doubt to what we said yesterday. You told me about your symptoms, is there anything to be added to the list?" she asked. She wasn't much for small talk Louis noted but he didn't mind, it was just a waste of time and she seemed like a nice woman either way, he was glad she kept it professional instead of looking at him with pity filled eyes. She seemed like she understood and had done this many times, which she probably had since she was a doctor.

"I got a nosebleed today that lasted for about forty minutes." he said and she nodded, writing it down on her pad. He felt Harry squeeze his hand again and Louis gave him a quick smile.

"That is common and from your file I can see that was one of the symptoms you had a lot of problem with as younger." she said and Louis nodded, the nosebleeds had been one of the reasons his mum had taken him to the doctors, they would come almost every day, some times at night and it took ages for them to stop. "I think Mrs Adams informed you about the plan I had and I'd say we stick with it."

"What plan?" Harry asked at the same time as Louis nodded and the doctor gave Harry an apologetic smile.

"We think it'd be best to start with chemotherapy to kill Louis' old marrow and then use stem cell transplants to make a new healthy marrow." she explained and Louis bit his lip, it sounded really bad and complicated when she put it like that. "The chemotherapy will take about two weeks I'd say and you will have four to five days with it and then a weeks rest before taking it for an other two days, then you'll have a day's rest before we start with the stem cell transplant. You will get a quite high dose of chemotherapy so it'll be worse than last time you got chemotherapy even though you had it for longer, you'll feel sick all the time and you'll be tired and you'll most likely lose your hair since you did last time. When we're sure the chemotherapy has broken down enough of marrow we will start with the stem cell transplants and I'd say it will take up to five weeks, this will also be a hard time and very wearing on your body. We will inject new stem cells to your blood that will hopefully rebuild your marrow and the injection only takes about two hours but you will have to stay isolated in the hospital up to five weeks, after the injection you'll feel very tired but you'll be as good as new about six months after. I've already spoken with your mum and she said she was fine with giving you stem cells. So when we've checked if her cells matches yours we will be fine to go, she's on her way here now she said about an hour ago so she'll be here at any moment now. So the timeline is set for about seven weeks, two of chemo and then five with the stem cells. Do you have any questions?"
"Will visitors be allowed during the isolation?" Harry asked after a moment of silence and Dr Miles nodded.

"As long as you aren't sick you're allowed to visit as much as you'd like, though you do have to wash your hands thoroughly before entering the room and you cannot use the shower or toilet that Louis will have." she said and smiles lightly at them.

"If...if it doesn't work what will we do then?" Louis asked slowly and Harry squeezed his hand again.

"You are young and most people with leukemia are cured now days, this is the most effective way we can do it and you have a sixty percent of full recovery and there's ten percent that you might relapse again after this. The other thirty percent are a mix between no recovery and half recovery which means you'll have to keep taking chemotherapy but in lower doses." she said and Louis nodded and squeezed Harry's hand back. "But if the chemotherapy of some reason gives great results in the two weeks you'll get it we will keep you on it and skip the stem cells transplants though that is very unlikely."

"Okay eh will I be allowed out of the room at all during the isolation?" Louis asked and bit his lip, if he was to be stuck in the same room for seven weeks he'd sure go crazy.
"Yes, if you're feeling strong enough you can take a walk inside the hospital with a nurse, I've heard you did that a lot when you were here last." she added with a small smile and Louis shrugged.

"There wasn't much other to do." he said simply and she nodded and smiled softly. A knock was heard on the door before Jay entered. They all stood up, Louis a bit slower than Harry and the doctor since he didn't want to be hit by a dizzy spell. His mum walked over and hugged him tightly, her eyes were shining with unshed tears when they pulled away and Louis gave her a tired smile.

"I will go with Ms Tomlinson and take a look at her cells, just a simple blood sample, you two can stay in here it will only take twenty minutes at the most and I'm sure you have a lot to talk about." the doctor said before she and Jay walked out again. When the door closed behind them Harry turned and kissed him lovingly, one hand stroking Louis' cheek and the other on his thigh, Louis sighed happily into the kiss and put his hands on the back of Harry's neck and pulled softly at his hair. After a few minutes when they couldn't ignore the need of air for any longer they pulled away, both a bit flustered and with red, slightly swollen lips. Louis smiled softly and pecked Harry's lips.

"I love you." a smile formed on Harry's lips, his dimples showing slightly. Not thinking about it Louis poked one of them the way he always had done when they first got to know each other, this action caused Harry to giggle and smile wider.

"I love you too and you will be alright." he said and Louis smiled sadly.

"Hopefully" he added and Harry shook his head.

"No you will be, there's a bigger chance that you will be than that you will not." Harry argued and Louis sighed.

"But there's still about thirty percent chance I wont be alright." he said and Harry sighed.

"Let's focus on the good things now, there's a sixty percent chance that you will have full recovery which is great. It's good odds Louis." Harry said and Louis smiled softly and pecked Harry's lips again.

"Okay." he said simply and Harry rolled his eyes but smiled.

"Okay."

Before they could say anything else Jay and Dr Miles walked back into the room, Jay smiled and brought the other chair to the table and sat down on Louis' other side. They shared a small smile before Miles cleared her throat.

"Since we had prepared this we could get the results back quickly and Ms Tomlinson's marrow will work fine on you so we will keep her here for a few more hours but you two can go home and prepare for your stay here. I will want you back here tomorrow at eleven am and you can bring Mr Styles with you if you'd like." she informed Louis and he nodded and smiled slightly in response.

"Okay thank you." he said before hugging his mum and kissing her cheek, they whispered a silent I love you to each other before Louis and Harry left but not without Harry hugging Jay quickly and promising to take care of Louis. Louis said Good bye to Sara as they passed the reception and she answered with a small smile.

They had both driven to the hospital so they had to part ways and did that after sharing a soft kiss and hug. The ride home was quick and Louis kept the radio on to distract himself from worrying too much, there was nothing he could do now, all he could do was hope that the medication would work and not ruin his body completely. He knew there was a great risk with the chemotherapy when it was used in the meaning to kill the bone marrow, he had only taken chemo in lower doses and over a longer time. Not like he would now with a high dose for four days straight with a weeks pause and then two days more with it and god he had never had stem cells transplants before, what if his body just neglected them or if the rest of his body protested and stopped working. He knew the doctor couldn't be sure this would work out, there were so many risks with it but still; it was his best chance. But since he wouldn't have to stay in the hospital for a year then maybe he could go to the graduation and say good bye to his class. The good bye he had said today was too hurried and didn't really count if you asked him, he hadn't really been present when he told them, he was thinking too much about other things so it didn't feel right. He also wanted to tell their parents but they all probably knew by now but he felt like he owed them all an explanation.

He arrived right before Harry and parked his car, just as he was about to open the door Harry pulled up and parked beside his car. Louis smiled and held the door open for Harry but just as Harry took the first step on their short stair (yes they owned a real house and were quite proud about it even though their neighbors were all over forty) Louis' nose started dripping with blood again and Louis groaned loudly in annoyance before covering it with the sleeve of Harry's shirt (the one he had borrowed not the one Harry was wearing, he wasn't that rude thank you). Harry looked at him worriedly as they walked inside and Louis went to the bathroom to get some paper for it. Harry was hot on his heels and gave Louis a great amount of toilet paper. Louis gave him a thankful smile and removed his arm from his nose. The shirt sleeve was red from blood and Harry winced at the sight.

"That's, like, a lot of blood." he said slowly and Louis shook his head and pressed the paper harder against his nose and tilted his head back slightly, a trick his mum had learned him when he was younger.

"Not a lot." Louis mumbled and Harry sighed.

"But more than normal, should we call back to the hospital?" Harry asked and Louis shook his head, he had had worse nosebleeds than this.

"No no, if it's still bleeding this much in an hour we might have to call but don't worry for now." he answered and Harry nodded but still didn't seem convinced, he led Louis over to their bedroom and picked out an other one of his own long sleeved jumpers that Louis could borrow.

"Lets get you out of that bloody thing" he said and Louis snorted at his word choice, this action wasn't that wise though as it made more blood stream out of his nose and he regretted the action immediately. He began to take his shirt off while keeping his head tilted back and using one hand to press the paper against his nose, it was a true struggle but after a while and with some help from Harry he got it off. Harry's eyes quickly scanned the upper part of his body and he gasped as he saw a dark blue bruise over Louis' ribs. "I thought you said the bruise was on your back." Harry said and Louis frowned slightly and looked down on his body. Well shit.

"Eh yea it was only on my back yesterday, this one's new." he said and Harry ordered him to turn around which Louis quickly did. He heard Harry's sharp intake of air and Louis sighed lightly.

"That...that bruise is huge oh my god Louis. How is that even possible?" Harry exclaimed and Louis shrugged, he didn't know. He walked over to the mirror so his back faced it and looked over his shoulder to get a good look of his back and sighed. There was a big bruise covering almost all of his back. He had had some bruises when he first got diagnosed as a child but they had only been small and a bit here and there, never one big. He cast a last glance at his back before turning to Harry and shaking his head.

"I have no idea to be honest, can you help me to get the jumper on?" he asked and Harry nodded and helped him quickly. Once dressed again they walked down to the kitchen and Harry started making their dinner, Louis set the table and then sat down on one of the counters, he was tired and it had been a long day. But if he was tired now it was nothing compared to how tired he would be after tomorrow. He remembered last time he was on chemo, the first few days were hell, he threw up all he tried to eat and ended up getting a nutritional drip injected in his arm and he slept most of the days. Back then he had three days with chemo then two weeks rest so his body got time to heal between the medication. Now though he would have four or five days with it, a weeks rest then two more days with it before one day's rest. The injection dose would also be higher and Louis really wasn't looking forward to it.

He yawned lazily and watched Harry as he cooked, for about seven weeks from now he wouldn't get to see Harry cooking. He frowned slightly as he thought about the hospital food he would be served, it wasn't as bad as people would say but it was just a bit tasteless since the never used any salt or pepper because of some reason. But he probably wouldn't eat much though since he would feel too sick to do so, that was how it had been last time but this time would be wore as dr Miles had said.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked and Louis hummed before looking over at Harry not having noticed that he had been lost in his thoughts.

"Oh eh food actually and how I'll miss your cooking." he admitted with a sad smile and Harry nodded slowly.

"I can bring some food for you so you wont have to be stuck with the hospital food for seven weeks straight." Harry offered and Louis shrugged and sighed deeply.

"I don't think I'll feel good enough to eat most days. Last time I got nutritional drip since everything I ate came back up within ten minutes." he explained and Harry frowned but nodded.

"I can bring some during your week of rest, you'll feel better that week, right?" Harry asked and Louis bit his lip, last time he had felt better during his two weeks of rest that he had between his chemo days but it always took a few days before he would get back on his feet and this time he would have it tougher.

"I think but I don't know. Last time I had two weeks rest and a lower chemo dose but felt bad for about two, three days after it before I got back on my feet and could take small walks with the nurses." he said and took off the paper from his nose to check if it had stopped bleeding, when he saw that it had he jumped off the counter and threw the bloodied paper into the rubbish-bin. He gave Harry a small smile and sat down on the counter again as Harry finished cooking.

They ate in silence and didn't do much more that night, Louis decided to take a shower since he never got into it two days ago. When he had finished showering he cuddled up with Harry in bed, deciding to take an early night as they both were tired. It was a lot to wrap their heads around and Louis knew that when he fell asleep nearly an hour later Harry was still awake.

The next morning Louis took a lie in and Harry woke him up at nine thirty and told him he had to get ready. Harry seemed to have been up for hours when Louis finally got out of bed, Harry had dark bags under his eyes and Louis figured he hadn't slept very well. There was a cup of tea and a plate with a toast with egg and bacon waiting on Louis when he got into the kitchen and he thanked Harry before eating. Harry had eaten earlier when he got up at half past six, he had woken up in need of a toilet and hadn't managed to fall asleep after that. Harry did end up eating a banana while Louis ate his breakfast and Louis held back an eye roll, it was so typical Harry. Harry then helped Louis to pack a bag with some comfortable clothes, most of them were Harry's but it didn't matter Louis liked them more than his own. As they were on their way out to the car Louis grabbed a puffy cap, regardless the warm April weather. Harry gave him a questioning look and Louis gave him a small smile before sighing.

"I will lose hair and I don't want to go around bald." he explained and Harry kissed him softly.

"You'll still be beautiful." Harry said seriously and Louis smiled softly.

"We'll see about that." he said and Harry was about to protest but Louis kissed him again to shut him up. Harry drove them to the hospital and they were both silent during the ride, the only sound coming from the engine and the radio that was playing some upbeat pop song. The atmosphere was tense and Louis was biting his lip the whole way and he could see Harry's knuckles turn white as he gripped the steering wheel tightly. They were both nervous and when they arrived Dr Miles were already waiting for them together with Dr Payne, or Liam as Louis usually called him since they were great friends. Liam gave them a small smile and shook their hands as Dr Miles did the same.

"Follow me." Liam said before leading them down the hall and into one of the free patient rooms. The room had a bed, window, tv, bathroom and a nightstand beside the bed. There was also a couch and a table and two chairs in the room. It looked the same as the room he had had last time he had been here but then he had been in room 24 but this time he was in room 33. Over and beside the bed there were some machines, an IV, a drip bag, a heart monitor and some other things. It all looked quite scary and Louis felt like going home and forgetting all about it. Harry squeezed his small hand in his own bigger one and Louis calmed down slightly.

"'Okay before we get started, do you have any more questions?" Liam asked with a kind smile and Louis shook his head no. Harry didn't say anything either and Liam nodded slowly before speaking again. "We'll start by giving you some steroid tablets to decrease the chances of allergic reactions. We will set you up with the chemo injection soon after you've taken the pills and we'll keep the injection in for ninety minutes and then you're done for today. All clear?"

"Yea I think so." Louis answered and Liam smiled at him before asking Dr Miles to go after the medicine so they could get started, she left the room and Liam smiled sadly at them.

"Dr Miles informed me about your situation Lou but I'm sure we can fix this and hopefully get rid off it for forever. So just relax and we'll do the work, you'll just have to stay strong and I'm sure Harry will be by your side as much as he can and I can make sure so Danielle or Niall can go and check up on you every now and then so you wont be lonely." Liam said and Louis nodded and smiled. He liked Danielle and Niall, Niall was one of the few male nurses in the cancer department and he was very kind and funny, he had dyed blonde hair, shocking blue eyes and a thick Irish accent which Louis loved. He had always like Irish for some reason, it sounded nice and cool.

"Thank you Li, will you be here during the check ups and stuff or will it just be Dr Miles?" Louis asked and Liam smiled.

"I'll be here as much as I can, most of the times I'll come by and Emma will be with you too, she's very good at her job so you can trust her." he said and Louis nodded. Emma was Dr Miles real name then, it kinda suited her. Emma Miles. It sounded nice.

Emma came back to the room with a table on wheels with the medicines on it and Louis swallowed thickly and took a deep breath, feeling his stomach tighten with nerves. He was asked to take some pills which he did together with a glass of water before being asked to change, he did that too though he hid inside the bathroom while changing to the hospital gown. When he walked out from the bathroom he met Harry's nervous gaze and sent him a small smile before sitting down on the bed as he was ordered too. Harry came up by his side and took hold of his hand and Louis gave him a thankful smile. Last time he had done this he had been alone, his mum hadn't been able to take the day off from work and he didn't want to bring any of his friends, it felt good to have Harry by his side. It made him feel safer, Harry had always had that effect on him.

Liam and Emma set everything up and made sure that the injection would work before cleaning his left elbow pit, they asked him if he was ready before entering the needle after he had given them a short nod. The needle was assembled with a plastic tube that led to the drip bag that was filled with the medicine. It hurt slightly as the needle was pressed into his blood vein and he squeezed Harry's hand and Harry smiled softly at him. Liam checked a few things before nodding at Emma.

"All set, I'll come back in twenty minutes again and if anything happens just press the button." Liam said and smiled before he and Dr Miles left. Louis smiled softly at Harry when the door closed.

"So this is it? They wont do anything more now?" Harry asked and Louis shook his head.

"Nope now we'll just wait and Liam or Dr Miles will remove the needle in one and a half hour." Louis explained and Harry nodded slowly and pecked Louis' cheek.

***

On the third day with chemotherapy Louis felt like he was about to die, his body ached and he was tired and he hadn't been able to eat since the day they started so he was hooked up on a nutritional drip (he had tried to eat but only managed a small amount and then thrown it up again a couple minutes later). For the most time of the day he was asleep and when he was awake it was only for an hour or two before he drifted off again. Harry had visited him everyday but had to go to work the day after they started, he couldn't miss work and Louis understood but he still felt lonely. Niall and Danielle tried to come over as much as they could but they had other clients to check up on and take care of so there was many times Louis was left alone.

It was about lunch time and Louis was hooked up on the drip bag that gave him the chemo medicine and he tried to stay awake as Niall sat beside him and told him some story about that one time he had played football and hurt his knee. Niall was laughing as he told the story but Louis thought that it still hurt Niall that he'd never be able to play football in the way he had before, Louis knew that Niall loved footie and they had played a few games together and Louis could see that Niall had talent for it. Niall ended the story with a short laugh and shake of his head, he had a smile on his face but there was a longing and sadness in his eyes and Louis gave him a tired smile.

"We should all go and play footie together when you get better again." Niall said after a moment of silence and Louis hummed quietly.

"If I get better." he corrected and Niall sighed and shook his head.

 

"You will be fine though, Liam is the greatest doctor in England and Emma isn't far behind. If anyone can cure you it's them." Niall declared and Louis sighed weakly.
"I don't know Ni, I feel like shit." Louis admitted and Niall gave him an understanding look and nodded.

"I know you do, it'd be weird if you didn't but that means that the chemo is working, think about it. You're feeling bad 'cause it's breaking down your bone marrow and shit. You're supposed to feel bad." Niall said and Louis gave him a small nod and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.

"Do you know what time Harry will be over?" he asked and Niall smiled.

"Your lover boy will be here at five so in three hours." Niall answered and Louis smiled slightly, he missed Harry though he had seen him just this morning before Harry had to hurry away to work. "You can take a nap in the meantime, you look like you might need one."

"Mmm." Louis said lazily and closed his eyes, he felt Niall stroke a hand over his hair but then Niall swore loudly and Louis opened his eyes to give Niall a confused look. Relation hit him though when he saw the tuft of brown hair that was between Niall's fingers. Louis groaned and closed his eyes again. The hair loss was an other thing he hated about the chemo. "Can you put on my cap, I think it's on one of the chairs?"

There was a moment of silence when Niall was searcing for the cap, he then walked over to Louis when he found the gray clothing and carefully put it on Louis' head. He smiled sadly and was about to say something when he heard the soft puffs of air Louis let out, signaling he was already asleep.

***

He ended up having chemo for five days and it was Saturday when his last injection was so Harry was beside him the whole time and held his hand. Louis wasn't much of company to Harry as he was asleep for most of the time but Harry entertained himself with his phone and talking with the nurses and doctors that came by every now and then. He knew Niall from before, being one of the joint friends Louis and he had, he also knew Danielle and Liam and talked to them for as long as they could stay. Harry was checking through his twitter timeline when Louis began to stir. Harry looked at his sunken face, seeing how sharp his cheekbones looked and how young and innocent he looked in the gray cap that covered his scalp and down over his forehead. Harry knew Louis had lost most of his hair but Louis refused to take it off even though Harry promised he still thought he was beautiful. And god he was still beautiful , Louis was one of the few people that Harry had met that looked good no matter what, he could just have woken up and look like the most beautiful person on earth. Even though he was unhealthily thin, with dark circles under his eyes and sick in general he was still breathtakingly beautiful. His eyes were still that beautiful shade of blue that Harry couldn't compare to anything and he still had that bone structure that Harry sometimes envied. His cheekbones looked like a sin and so did his collarbones that peeked up from the light blue gown.

"Hi." Harry greeted when he saw Louis open his eyes, Louis gave him a tired smile and blinked some times before clearing his throat.

"Hey." his voice was heavy with sleep and raspier than usual and Harry smiled softly at him and stroke his cheek.

"How are you feeling?" he asked and Louis closed his eyes for a moment again before frowning slightly.

"Tired and nauseas." he answered honestly and Harry nodded slowly.

"But now you'll have a week to rest." he said, trying to make Louis feel better. It seemed to work as a small genuine smile creeped up on the older boy's lips.

"Yea." he said, sounding a bit breathless. He had been waiting for this day to come, he didn't think he would have survived one more chemo injection. He needed a break to let his body heal somewhat but then they'd give him one more injection before the stem cell transplant which he was really nervous for. He had done some research on it a few years ago when he and his doctor had discussed it when he last got diagnosed. They had decided not to go through with it since there were many risks with it. With the new cells he would get, he would also get a new immune system which hopefully would attack the remaining cancer cells but the new system might also attack his skin, lungs, liver and term. He would also be easily infected which was why he would be isolated, he had read that he had a great risk of getting pneumonia, fungals and herpes ( he really hoped he wouldn't get herpes). There was also a big chance that he would get rashes on his palms, soles and face those could be easily cured though with some cortisone and he would most likely loose a lot of weight and feel tired. Those were facts that spun in his head and made him feel doubtful over the whole thing, it wasn't sure it would work but it was their best shot.

***

His rest week passed quickly and to his disappointment he didn't feel much better during that week, he was still very tired when Saturday came and he had only managed to eat very little during the week so they had kept him on the drip. Harry had come by everyday and kept him company and Louis would be awake for about three hours straight but then fallen asleep a while before Harry had to leave. Emma had told him that the chemotherapy had worked as planned so far and that the last injection would take a bit over two hours instead of the one and a half hour he had gotten it before. Right now he was hooked up on the chemo drip again and tried to stay awake. Danielle and Niall were both with him and talked about everything and nothing. Louis smiled and hummed along to what they were saying but didn't make an effort to add something more to the conversation. Danielle suddenly turned to him.

"We have to go out for dinner when you get out from here, maybe we could go to the new Italian place, Liam took me there yesterday and their pasta was delicious, seriously the best thing I've ever tasted." Danielle said and Niall nodded.

"Yea and we should bring Zayn and Perrie too, I haven't seen them in ages." he exclaimed and Louis gave them a small nod.

"Lets not get ahead of ourselves, one day at time. We don't know if I'll ever get out of he..-"

"-don't you even dare to continue that sentence Louis Tomlinson. You will get out of here alive and that's it. The chemo has worked great this far and you'll start with the stem cells the day after tomorrow and that will go perfectly fine too." Danielle cut him off angrily and Louis sighed softly and rolled his eyes.

"You know as well as I do about the risks with it, there's nothing that says it will go perfectly fine it might not even work, my body might reject it or it will break down some important organs." he said and he knew he sounded like a negative whiny old man but he didn't want them to make plans when there was nothing that said he would be there for them. He wanted to take it day for day and if he felt good in five weeks then maybe they could go out an celebrate but they didn't know that yet so he didn't see the point in making plans this early.

"Sometimes I wonder if you think you're ready to die." Niall said quietly and Louis snorted and shook his head.

"I don't think anyone's ready to die I just don't think we always get a choice in the matter." he said and tried to ignore their frowns and slight glares, he knew he upset them with his confession but he needed them to have it in mind that it might not work out, then it might not come as a big shock if he doesn't make it.

"Well for now we can stay positive and hope that everything works out instead of focusing on if it doesn't." Danielle said and that ended the conversation. They were all quiet for the remaining time before they both had to get back to work, leaving Louis with the drip still in his arm while he stared at the ceiling. He didn't want to die but also didn't want to pretend that there wasn't a chance that he would. He had kind of accepted the fact that he might not make it and he had during his resting week talked to his lawyer and rewritten his testament and made sure that Harry would get some things if he didn't make it. He had made his testament last time he had been on chemo with some help from his mum but he hadn't told anyone about it this time. Hopefully they wouldn't have to know about it.

He yawned and was about to drift off when there was a knock on the door and Emma entered with a apologetic smile as she saw his tired state.

"Sorry to intrude, I'll just remove the drip and then you can sleep." she said and Louis nodded slowly, two hours had passed quite quickly after all. She removed the needle and smiled at him before leaving the room, taking the drip and all with her since he wouldn't need more chemo now. He closed his eyes the moment she left and drifted off to deep sleep.

***

"So basically we will insert a central venous catheter that you will get the stem cells, fluids in and you'll also leave some blood samples. We will use a blood vessel in your elbow pit and you'll get local anesthetic before we insert it. Is that part clear?" Emma asked and Louis nodded tiredly, they had woken him up just a few minutes ago to go through it all before they would get started with the stem cells transplants and Louis was so tired, he didn't feel like he had recovered at all from the last chemo but maybe that was the point. "When it's time to start we'll give you the stem cells in an injection and it will last for about two hours, this time is very uncomfortable and it's common to feel a strong taste of corn, get an itching in your throat and a pressing feeling over your chest, we will give you some medicine to prevent this but we can't remove it for a hundred percent. Niall will be by your side during the whole time and Liam or I will come by to check your blood pressure every now and then. That's pretty much it, do you have any questions?"

"Not really no." he answered and yawned. "Is there anything else I should know before we start?"

"No but if you feel awfully bad then tell Niall and he'll decide if it's something serious or not, because you will feel bad that is for sure." she said and Louis nodded. She gave him a small smile as she saw him hold back an other yawn. "Okay let's get started then."

A quarter later and Emma had just started with the stem cells transplant and Louis could already feel the taste of corn. He missed Harry and was a bit sad and disappointed that he wasn't here. Harry had planned to be there but his boss had called him in to some kind of meeting that he just could not miss so Louis was alone with Niall and Emma. After a few minutes when Emma had checked his blood pressure and made sure everything was alright she left.

"How are you feeling?" Niall asked when the door closed and Louis shrugged and licked his lips.

"It really does taste like corn in my mouth." he said with a snort and Niall laughed loudly with a big grin on his face.

"Do you like corn?" he asked when he had calmed down and Louis shrugged again.

"Not really but it's bearable." there was a small itching in his throat so he tried to clear it to get rid of it and sighed when it didn't get away. "My throat's itching and there's a barely there pressure over my chest."

"Hmm that's normal." Niall said while nodding. "It will be gone when we remove the injection."

Two hours passed quickly and he smiled tiredly at Liam as he removed the venous catheter, everything had gone by fine but they wouldn't know for sure if it had worked until a couple of days. Niall stayed with him for a few more hours until Harry came rushing in. He walked over and was about to kiss Louis when Niall stopped him.

"Sorry Haz but no kissing and preferably no touching, Louis can't get sick now no matter what. If he does, it can all go shit, sorry." Niall said with a pitying expression and Harry sighed but nodded.

"Okay, I understand." he sat down on the chair beside the bed and Niall smiled at them before leaving the room. Harry smiled softly at Louis and sighed. "Sorry I came so later, it took longer than I had thought, did everything go alright?"

"Mm it went fine, my mouth still kinda taste like corn but yea." he said and yawned. Harry raised an eyebrow in question.

"Corn?"

"Yea you know, it's yellow and you like it. Dr Miles said it was a common side effect of it." Louis explained with an amused smile. Harry chuckled and smiled big.

"I know what corn is, silly. How are you feeling otherwise? Any creepy side effects?" Harry asked worriedly and Louis smiled tiredly.

"I'm just tired and my throat's a bit itchy. How're you? Was the meeting interesting?" Louis asked, trying to change the subject and Harry nodded slowly.

"I'm fine, missed you and nah not really it was about what he wanted me to photograph next and such, we also talked about my pay and how I liked my job." Harry explained with a shrug and Louis nodded.

"Do you think I can go to my class's graduation and school play? I'd really like to but I don't know if it's to much to wish for." he said and Harry tilted his head to the side and pressed his lips together.

"I don't know, you'll be isolated here up to five weeks, when's the graduation?"

"Eh it's the eleventh of June." Louis said and Harry nodded before taking out his phone and trying to figure out when five weeks would have passed.

"You'll be out of here on the seventh of June so I guess if you're feeling good enough we can go." Harry answered and Louis nodded with a smile smile.

"I hope so." he said honestly and yawned. Harry gave him a soft smile and sighed.

"You don't have to stay awake for me you know, if you're tired you can sleep. I'll be back tomorrow again." Harry said and Louis gave him a thankful smile and nodded slightly.

"Okay, I'll see you then." he said slowly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

***

The next day when Harry walked into the room after washing his hands he froze in the doorway and watched wide eyed as Danielle tried to stop Louis' nose from bleeding. He was about to say something when she saw him and bet him on it.

"His nose is bleeding and has been for a while, I don't know for how long but it doesn't seem to stop but Liam's on his way here." she explained and just as she finished speaking Liam walked in.

"What's the problem?" he asked before he laid his eyes on Louis, his mouth formed a small O and Harry was sure he heard him say 'Aha' quietly. Liam walked over to the bed before speaking to Danielle "I need you to get me a wet paper and a dry one, please" Danielle quickly did as told and got the items from Louis' bathroom, she handed them to Liam and he sent her a small smile before dabbing the wet paper on Louis' nostrils. Louis scrunched his nose up and blinked a couple of times before his eyes widened as he saw how close Liam were.

"Uhm..." Louis said but Liam hushed him and kept dabbing the paper, Louis rolled his eyes but kept quiet and laid still. A few minutes later Liam changed to the dry paper and pressed it against Louis' nose and nodded.

"Okay, that's all I can do. Can you take over here Harry?" he asked and Harry nodded and rushed over to Louis' side. Liam took his hand off from the paper and Harry used his own to hold it up against Louis' nose. Louis smirked at him and Danielle thanked Liam. They shared a quick peck on their lips before smiling lovingly at each other. Liam then walked out and Danielle blushed lightly and bit back a smile.

"How are you feeling Louis?" Danielle then asked and Louis turned his gaze from Harry to her.

"Still a bit tired, sore throat and a bit freaked out but otherwise fine." he said and Harry snorted but nodded.

"Okay, I'll leave now but you know it's just to press the button if anything happens." she said before leaving the room. Louis looked up at Harry with an amused smile and raised eyebrows.

"So you're just going to stand there and press a paper against my nose?" he asked, voice sounding weird as no air could enter his nose and Harry giggled.

"I uhm I guess so? I mean like I can sit down but yea." he said awkwardly and sat down on the chair and kept his hand on the paper.

"This is weird." Louis stated with a sigh and Harry smiled and him.

"A bit but I don't mind." he admitted and Louis smiled tiredly before scratching his arm with a frown. "Is your arm itching?"

"Mmm, everything kinda is but yea." he said with a shrug and Harry looked at him worriedly.

"Should I call for a nurse?" he asked and Louis shook his head no and stopped scratching his arm.

***

Five days after the SCT, a shortening for stem cell transplants that Louis had taken liking of, he was feeling exhausted and his body was itching and he couldn't find strength to itch his feet that were annoying as hell. He was going crazy and he had scratched his face so he was sure he had marks on it now. He could see rashes on his palms and arms that he had scratched bloody and it still didn't stop itching. He felt like shit and he wanted to get out of that damn bed but he didn't think he could move a limb if he tried, his arms were tired after scratching and his legs would for sure give up if he tried to walk. He still hadn't managed to eat anything, feeling too sick to even try and he was just so tired of it all and he had over four weeks left to go.

He took a deep breath and glared up at the ceiling, he wanted to go home. He kept glaring at the ceiling for god knows how long when there was a short knock on the door and his mum entered. She offered a soft smile as she sat down on the chair beside the bed.

"How are you feeling, love?" she asked and Louis sighed deeply.

"I want to go home." he murmured lowly with a small pout, he didn't care that he sounded like a five year old who hadn't gotten the toy he wanted. He really wanted to go home, take a shower, be with Harry, eat dinner and sleep in his own bed. God, he missed his bed so bad, missed sleeping with Harry by his side, missed his cuddles.

"Only four weeks more, time will fly by and you'll feel better for each day that passes. Have you gotten any cortisone for those rashes?" she asked and Louis shook his head slowly. "Okay, I'll ask them to get some for you, is there any other side effect you've noticed?"

"I'm just really really exhausted." he said tiredly and Jay nodded with a soft smile. She pressed the button beside Louis' bed and a few seconds later Liam walked inside.
"I was just on my way over here, what's wrong?" he asked and looked at them worriedly.

"We were wondering if you could get any cortisone for the rashes?" Jay said and Liam nodded understandingly.

"Of course, we'll just do the usual check up and then I'll go after some." he informed before walking over to the other side of Louis' bed. He quickly checked his blood pressure, temperature and pulse. It was all in order but Liam frowned slightly and stared at Louis' face, right into his eyes. Louis shifted uncomfortably under the stare and gave Liam a questioning look. Liam cleared his throat. "I'll have to check on more thing."

He took a quick blood sample from the venous catheter that was still inserted in his arm. He then nodded and gave them a reassuring smile. "I will go and see if there's anything wrong with this and come back with some cortisone and maybe some news." he said simply before leaving with the sample.

"Do you think there's something wrong?" Louis asked his mum and Jay frowned.

"It seems like it but I'm sure it's nothing too alarming, if it had been then he probably would have told us right away." she said and Louis nodded slowly.

"You're probably right. How come you're here by the way? Shouldn't you be at work?" he asked and sucked on his lower lip before scratching his chin. Jay removed his hand and shook here head at him.

"Don't scratch. And I had a meeting in London so I thought I'd stop by. I've had some contact with Dr Miles but I wanted to see for sure that you were alright." she explained and Louis sighed softly.

"It's good to see you." he said with a small smile and Jay smiled back.

"It's good to see you too."

It was a good twenty minutes before Liam came back with a frown on his face. He walked straight over to Louis.

"How tired would you say that you are on a scale of one to ten." he asked and Louis furrowed his brows.

"Eh nine or ten to be honest, why?" he asked and bit his lip, feeling himself grow nervous under Liam's searching gaze. Liam gave him a short nod, still frowning.

"Your liver values are way higher than they should be, you're exhausted and there is a hint of yellow where your eyes should be white." he said slowly and looked over at Jay.

"Could you go for Dr Miles, she should be in her office, you know where it is, right?" he asked and Jay nodded before leaving.

"So you think the new cells has attacked my liver?" Louis asked and Liam nodded.

"It seems like it. I got the cortisone for you though." he said and held up a tube. He pressed out some ointment on his finger and stroke it carefully on Louis' cheek and forehead where the rashes were. "Do you have any other rashes?"

"Mm on my arms, palms and I'm pretty sure I have on my feet too." Louis said and yawned. Liam nodded and started lubricate the other parts with rashes. He was fixing his feet when the door opened and Jay and Emma walked inside. Liam finished up quickly and laid the duvet over Louis' thin form again.

"We have to get some medicine from his liver." Liam told her and showed her a paper with the results of his blood sample. "Take a look on his eyes, they are a bit yellow, aren't they?" Emma walked over and stared at Louis' eyes and nodded slowly.

"Yes, they are. Okay so I'll get the things we'll need and then let the drugs do it's work while we do regular check ups." she said and Liam nodded shortly at her before she left.
"You will get an injection through the same place as usual, you'll get a bit drowsy from the drug but there's no other effects you'll have to worry about. The drugs are very strong and you'll probably be more asleep than awake for the coming days." Liam said and Louis nodded to let him know he had understood. Liam gave him a small smile and nodded back.

Jay had to leave soon after they had hooked him up on the new medication and Louis said and received a tired good bye and I love you before she left. He fell asleep minutes later and didn't wake up until the next afternoon when Harry was sitting next to him with a soft smile as he looked down on his phone. Louis watched him for a while before Harry caught his stare, a small blush covered Louis' cheeks as their eyes met.

"Hello sleeping beauty." Harry greeted and Louis giggled softly.

"Hello handsome." he replied and Harry smiled big.

"Liam told me about your liver problems, how are you feeling?"

"I'm just tired, how are you?" he asked and Harry gave him a soft smile.

"I'm good, thank you."

***

It wasn't until three weeks after the SCT that Louis started feeling better. He was now sitting outside in the hospital garden together with Danielle, he still had a drip bag hooked up on him but he was feeling better. He had eaten a small sandwich for lunch and drunk a glass of water which he hadn't thrown up yet. He was feeling less tired but his palms, feet and face were still kinda itchy and he had some rashes here and there but he was feeling alright. Today was the first time he got to go outside and god he had missed fresh air. He was so used to the hospital smell that he didn't even think about it anymore. His hair was also growing out but he had noticed it was a bit blonder than his hair had been before but it was okay. As long as he got his hair back. It was a beautiful day in the end of May, he only had two more weeks of isolation if everything went as planned, Dr Miles had even talked about releasing him earlier if he stayed this good. It made Louis feel happy to think about. The worst part of it had been now and there was no life threatening difficulties that he had had to face after the liver thing. They called it GvHD and it stood for Graft versus Host Disease and was very common after SCT, it was also some form of GvHD that he had in his skin but they said that it would get over and that he just had to skip the scratching and take cortisone. He tried not to itch so much but sometimes he couldn't stop himself, it was so annoying but the cortisone helped somewhat, it took away most of the rashes but the itch was still there until the rashes had healed completely which they wouldn't do if he kept scratching them.

The sky was clear and it was quite warm, Louis had been allowed to get dressed in his own sweatpants and a t-shirt. The drip stand stood beside him and he had a nose prongs to give him extra oxygen, he didn't know why though. He could breathe just fine but Danielle had explained that everyone got one just in case. There wasn't much in the garden, a small playground with swings and a sandbox for the kids in the cancer department. There was a young girl on one of the swings and a nurse who sat on the other, they both seemed happy Louis noted, the young girl was bald though and Louis could see that she had a nose prongs too. Maybe she was getting better, Louis smiled at the thought. It was unfair that a young girl like she had to go through this. A few benches away sat two elder men, they were both talking loudly about something and Louis didn't think they heard very well. There were no other people in the garden, except himself and Danielle and it was quite besides the men talking. It was kinda peaceful. Louis let out a soft happy sigh and smiled.

"It's very nice out here." he told Danielle and she giggled.

"It really is. You look a lot better now that you've gotten some fresh air and not stuffed with heavy drugs. You got us really worried with the liver GvHD you know. Liam didn't think you'd make it when he first put you on the medication and he was so upset, saying that it was his fault for not noticing earlier and not listening when you complained about being tired. When you started to get better he was so relieved." she said quietly and Louis turned to her with a small smile.

"I didn't think I'd get better either, like when I was on the drugs for GvHD I wasn't sure if I'd wake up if I fell asleep and like it was scary to fall asleep in the morning and then wake up the next day." he admitted and Danielle put an arm around his small waist.

"But you got better and that's what counts. Now we only need you to put on some weight and keep up like this." she said with a smile and Louis nodded.

They ended up staying in the garden for some more hours before walking back to Louis' room. While they had been out the room had been neatly cleaned and the all of the sheets had been changed and there was a new hospital gown on the end of the bed. Louis frowned when he saw it.

"Do I really have to put it on?" he whined and Danielle smiled sadly and nodded.

"Yea, your clothes can have bacteria on it and we don't want you to get sick." she said and Louis sighed but changed into the hospital gown after asking Danielle to turn around, she had to help him to get off his shirt though as he had the drip connected to him.

He yawned loudly as he laid down on the bed and drifted off into sleep soon after. He was tired from all the walking, not that he had done much but it was more than he had in the last five weeks. For the five weeks he had been in hospital he had only walked to the bathroom and back to bed, which wasn't more than twenty feet as total. Harry couldn't come by today, being busy with work and Louis missed him. They hadn't kissed in over three weeks and Louis missed the feeling of his boyfriend's lips on his own. Not to think about the fact that they hadn't had sex or a heated make up section for two months (though he wasn't really up for sex at the moment, he was way too tired and weak and he knew Harry wouldn't let him keep his cap on and then Harry would see how ugly he was).

***

As he got to his last week in the hospital he had only gotten better, he was feeling more alive and he could stay awake for five to six hours straight without needing a nap. He was honestly feeling a lot better and everyone noticed, he had started walking around outside in the garden and inside in the department everyday together with Danielle or Niall, sometimes Liam or Emma joined them if they had time which wasn't often but it did happen sometimes. He and Harry had gotten to start with the kisses a few days ago and neither of them seemed to be able to keep their hands to themselves, both having missed the other's touch. Louis' hair had grown out pretty good so far, he wasn't totally bald anymore at least but his hair was thinner and more dark blonde than light brown now but it didn't matter. Harry said that it suited him and Louis knew he could always dye it if he wanted to.

"Hello Louis, how are you feeling today?" Dr Miles asked as she entered his room, Louis was sitting up on the bed and smiled softly.

"I'm good, thank you. A bit bored but yea." he answered with a shrug and she smiled and nodded before she sat down in front of him on a chair beside the bed.

"You've been doing really good lately and we don't see any reason in keeping you here for any longer. You will get some medication with you home and for the coming three months we'll want you here two to three times a week to do check ups and then you'll come back once a month for a year. If nothing changes by then you'll go back to the yearly check ups." she said and Louis smiled and nodded, he couldn't wait to come home. "A few things you need to keep in mind is that if anything seems off with your health you have to call, it can be whatever from sneezing to just be feeling off. You also need to wash your hands neatly as much as you can during the day, change your sheets at least once a week and try to avoid sick people and larger crowds."

"Eh my class I've been teaching for about two years is graduating in a few days, can I go there or is it too risky?" Louis asked and gnawed nervously on his bottom lip. He had missed their play since it had been in the end of May but there were six days until their graduation now.

"If you avoid shaking hands and hugging I'm sure you'll be fine. Bring Harry or someone with you so you wont be all alone in the crowd." she smiled at him and Louis was almost shining in happiness. Not only was he allowed to go home tomorrow he would also get to see his class graduate and let them know that he was fine. Because thank god he really was fine, only a bit tired but still fine. And that was all he ever had wanted to be.

The end.