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2018-10-21
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Alternative

Summary:

"Wei Ying, return to Gusu with me... please."

This time, Wei Ying does.

Notes:

Kiyomiih drew something for this fic, please check it out here!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

When Wei Wuxian was fifteen, he was sent out of class for disagreeing with his teacher. 'Resentful energy is energy, so why can't we use it?' Lan Qiren yelled at him for wanting to upset the natural order and questioned his morality. But Wei Wuxian was just being practical. He had lived on the streets on his own when both his parents died. Before Jiang Fengmian found him. He had to be resourceful, quick-witted, and even charming to survive. He had learned to get by living on scraps and leftovers because the alternative was starvation. He learned not to waste food, and he learned not to take anything for granted. So he never saw the point of wasting this untapped potential, just because the source may be considered unconventional. At some point, flying on swords was thought to be impossible too, he reasoned.

Being thrown into the Burial Mounds, however, was not how he wanted to go about testing his hypotheses. Negativity has always been a corrupting force, always looking for a bright light in the dark to snuff out. Wei Wuxian was surrounded. The resentful energy seeped into his body, and he could see flashes of memories, all bathed in hatred, bitterness, and rage. They demanded a reckoning. Payment. Retribution. All they wanted was opportunity. A living soul who could give them what they wanted. Wei Wuxian stopped struggling. As the dark energy coursed through his body, his nerves felt like they were on fire, his blood boiling. Wei Wuxian thought he was going to die. As the pain kept building and building, bone-breaking as it raged and ravaged his insides, it crested to a peak and then suddenly stopped. He lost consciousness.

Months later, Wei Wuxian came out of the Burial Mounds a changed man. Gone was the easy smile on his face, and eyes that shimmered bright with warmth and curiosity, though he did not feel all that different. He was determined to fulfill his promise of revenge, and sought out the person who had condemned him to that hell. He wreaked havoc, and struck fear into the hearts of his enemies. They all died miserably and painfully. He left horrific tableaux in his wake, unimaginable terrors, and faces frozen in fear. He barely noticed the effect the resentful energy had on his body, on his heart. He was prepared to pay the price. He ignored how sometimes he felt anger burning hot inside him, disproportionate to what he thinks he ought to feel, as if the feeling was actually someone else's. The rage would spill from him in staccato bursts of flute song, his eyes flashing red, as he painted the battlefield in gruesome colors of blood, bone, and flesh. This was war, he thought, and he rationalized that his cruelty was not out of place. It's what they deserved.

 

 

 

It's the obvious plea in Lan Wangji's trembling voice that shook Wei Wuxian from his fugue, as if a cloud had just shifted to reveal the moon. "Wei Ying, return to Gusu with me... please." He had never heard Lan Zhan's voice, normally monotonous and unfeeling, sound so much like his heart was breaking, like... 'He cares about me,' Wei Ying thought, and quickly dismissed as if it were some unbelievable joke. 'No, he's always hated me.' And yet... Wei Ying shook his head slowly; he stared at Lan Zhan, and tried to really look at him. Lan Zhan's eyes were molten gold, warm and sincere, and pleading, not looking away from him. He was biting his lower lip, trying to suppress its quivering. His face, usually so unreadable, was contorted in worry and fear. Wei Ying felt his heart flutter in his chest, and he felt compelled to wipe that expression off Lan Zhan's face, no matter what it took. He took a step towards him, then Jiang Cheng stepped in front of him. "Wei Wuxian is part of the Yunmeng Jiang Clan. Whether he is right or wrong, his punishment is none of your clan's business."

He could hear whispers. 'He just wants you to take your punishment.' 'He's going to imprison you.' 'He thinks you're an abomination.' A slow, simmering heat prickled in his chest, and he frowned. 'That doesn't sound right.' One more look at Lan Zhan's face dispels any disquiet in his thoughts. "I'll go with you," Wei Ying said. Jiang Cheng looked at him in shock and spluttered his confusion. Wei Ying could see Lan Zhan's face relax, his mouth opening slightly in surprise, and his amber eyes still bright and warm, looking at him as if they couldn't bear to look away ever again. His breath caught in his throat.

After quickly reassuring Jiang Cheng that he hadn't lost his mind and would meet him again to reclaim Lotus Pier, Wei Ying walked towards Lan Zhan. He saw Lan Zhan lift his hand, as if wanting to reach out and touch him, but instead just nodded at him, his face blank once more. They walked side by side and made their way back to Gusu.

The barest hint of confusion touched Lan Wangji's features when Wei Wuxian refused to fly back on swords. He claimed it would be best not to draw attention to themselves, they were in a war after all, and, "Aren't you tired, Lan Zhan? You must have used up a lot of spiritual energy during the fight. Let's walk for a bit." His excuses were feeble, but Lan Wangji did not probe any further.

The journey was quiet, though a thousand questions kept running around in Wei Wuxian's head. But it was Lan Wangji who voiced the first one.

"Why did you decide to come?" He asked, voice low and hesitant.

"Hmmm, why did I decide to go with you?" Wei Ying stalled.

'Because of the way you were looking at me. As if your life depended on my answer. As if the alternative would break your heart...' He felt his heart twinge in ache as it recognized the truth, though he did not say it.

"I don't know, I guess I was just curious about what you were going to do with me."

"Save you." Lan Zhan said plainly.

Wei Wuxian didnt know what else to say to that. They walked further on in silence, the sun moving slowly across the sky. Wei Wuxian noticed a slight tug at the end of his sleeve. Lan Zhan was holding on to him, his sleeve caught in a gentle pinch between two fingers, soft enough not to leave a crease. Wei Ying's face split in a grin. "What's this, Lan Zhan? Are you scared I'll run off?"

"..."

Wei Ying laughed even more. He had missed teasing him. "Is it that you actually want to hold my hand? It's okay, Lan Zhan~ you don't have to be shy."

When Lan Zhan moved the hand holding his sleeve down, and slid it into his open palm, interlocking their fingers, Wei Ying just watched, mouth open in shock. He could feel the many calluses on Lan Zhan's fingertips, rough with crusted blood, and the heat of his hand. He looked at their intertwined fingers, and then at Lan Wanji's face, smooth like jade and betraying nothing, though Wei Ying noticed his ears were pink. He looked ahead resolutely and focused on their path, trying to ignore how his palm now felt sweaty and his heart was beating fast in his chest. More questions plagued his mind.

 

 

Rage was pouring out of him in torrents, out of control. He was yelling, and screaming at Lan Wangji, and he doesn't remember what brought it on. "Why should other people care? Who do you think you are?" He saw the flickering firelight dance on Lan Wangji's face, which still looked calm and composed and his eyes were trained on him, sharp and scrutinizing. Wei Wuxian meant to storm off and leave Lan Wangji. This had been a stupid idea. Why did he even consider going back to Gusu with him? It was obviously a trap, they were going to seal him away. He was a stain upon the cultivation world, of course the heretic path would not be allowed, and him, Lan Wangji, HanGuang Jun, the reputable pearl of the world, the pillar of goodness and virtue, would never allow someone like him to roam free, would never tolerate it. He barely managed a few steps when he felt a familiar tug at the end of his sleeve. He turned and saw his sleeve caught between Lan Zhan's fingers. And before he can rip it out of his grasp, Lan Zhan slid it down again to hold his wrist, his fingers right against his pulse point.

Wei Ying stopped in place, forgetting he was about to leave, to flee. His body was tense, like a bowstring ready to release.

Lan Zhan stood to move closer to him. He put his hands on Wei Ying's shoulders and guided him gently to face him.

"This is not you," he said.

Wei Wuxian could feel the rage in his heart, a thousandfold, and underneath the swarming mass of white hot anger, he could recognize it as something other. Not his own. He noticed that his skin feels rubbed raw, prickling, as if all of his nerves were exposed, lighting up at the slightest provocation and exploding in a tower of fury.

The tension left his body suddenly and he almost collapsed. But Lan Zhan was there, and he caught him in an embrace. Wei Ying let his head rest on his chest, and he let that strong and steady heartbeat wash over him in soothing waves of calm.

He felt the rumbling in Lan Zhan's chest more than he heard what he actually said. There were whispers of promises and assurances into his hair, his skin, gentle murmurings of love in a continuous susurrus of breath. His skin stopped feeling raw as he was wrapped in Lan Zhan's arms, cradled in his voice, and enveloped in his warmth.

"Breathe."

He took a deep breath, and let it go, his head felt clearer and his heart lighter. He pushed against Lan Zhan's chest to look into his eyes. Lan Zhan let him right himself, though his arms were still wrapped loosely around him, as if he might still fall at any second, as if he doesn't want to let go.

"I'm sorry, Lan Zhan. I don't know what came over me."

"No need."

Wei Ying had never seen Lan Zhan look at him like this before and he wondered for the first time what Lan Zhan saw when he looked at him like this. Wei Ying suspected he knew more about what's going on than he let on, and he was dying to know the secret that will make all of this make sense.

He didn't know if he can ask the question, but he was certain Lan Zhan would not lie to him. He just needed to be brave. And Wei Wuxian had never been called a coward in his life.

"Why did you want me to come with you?"

This wasn't what he wanted to ask.

"Save you." Lan Zhan repeated his answer from before.

"And why do you want to save me?" 'I thought you hated me,' he didn't say.

Though Lan Zhan seemed to hear the unspoken words anyway, for he said, "I don't hate you. I never did."

This confession threw him for a loop. And Wei Ying needed to sit down, right now. His knees buckled, and Lan Zhan tightened his hold on him reflexively, before guiding him gently to sit when he realized what Wei Ying wanted to do. He sat beside him and waited for the next question.

Wei Ying seemed stunned into silence, a rare feat. This was not even the most earth-shattering of revelations. Hadn't they been through life and death together? Lan Zhan had stepped in front of the Tortoise of Carnage to protect him and almost lost his leg in the process. Nobody would do that for someone they hated. Wei Ying certainly wouldn't have. But maybe Lan Zhan was just that good of a person. Goodness flowed in his very veins, virtue carved into every fiber of his being - a living, breathing Wall of Discipline.

Well, if he didn't hate Wei Ying, it definitely made more sense that Lan Zhan would want to save him, and he had already done so in the past. Wei Ying knew that he himself would do anything he could to save his friends and protect them.

"So we're finally friends!" He smiled widely.

Lan Zhan looked at him blankly. He seemed at odds with himself. And Wei Ying suddenly doubted his declaration, questioned what he thought was a well-reasoned conclusion.

The firelight continued to play on Lan Zhan's face, shadows dancing. His golden eyes were fixed on Wei Ying's - considering, debating, deciding. They glinted with his resolve and Wei Ying held his breath, waiting. Lan Zhan looked down. Wei Ying noticed the shadows his eyelashes made on his face and thought they were mesmerizing. He felt two warm callused hands cradling his own, and lifting it. Lan Zhan brought his right hand closer to him, closer to his face, and brushed his lips against his knuckles. The breath he was holding in rushed out of him in a soft gasp. The sensation of Lan Zhan's soft lips against his skin cracked through his body like lightning, his heart stuttering in his chest through the surge. Lan Zhan's eyes found his, before he placed Wei Ying's hand on his chest. He could feel Lan Zhan's heartbeat, still strong, but now hammering in his chest faster than it had earlier. Beating in time with Wei Ying's. He seemed to have given up on his words, letting his heart do the talking. And Wei Ying could feel the answer with every beat (lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub), one word in repeat.

'If not hate, then...'

love. love. love.

He twisted his hand so he could hold Lan Zhan's fingers. He brought the hand close to his face to kiss his palm, an echo to Lan Zhan's gesture, before placing it over his own chest, his heart a mirror of Lan Zhan's.

They stared at each other. Wei Ying took in all the micro-expressions playing on Lan Zhan's face and saw a cloud of confusion with the tiniest sliver of hope, as if he still couldn't bear to believe it.

Wei Ying decided to use his words.

"Lan Zhan, to tell you the truth, I only realized just now. But it's always been there. Why I always wanted to tease you, to be close to you, to get you to look at me. It just feels right. Loving you."

The words broke through Lan Zhan's hesitation, and he surged forward, holding Wei Ying's face in his hands. A breath of laughter escaped Wei Ying's lips at his eagerness before Lan Zhan could capture them in a kiss. Wei Ying let himself be thoroughly kissed, the corners of his mouth tugging up in a smile making it really hard for him to reciprocate, but he couldn't help the happiness bubbling in his heart and Lan Zhan didn't seem to mind.

Lan Zhan pulled back, leaving Wei Ying's lips kiss swollen and tingling. He was still holding his face, his thumb caressing his cheeks. Wei Ying smiled at him.

"I love you," Lan Zhan confessed. The words were simple and wholly inadequate to encompass the weight of feeling and breadth of emotions he has for Wei Ying. But they will have to do for now.

Wei Ying finally understood. This was the missing piece that made sense of everything, and completed the picture. He had been so blind.

He saw the beginnings of a glimmering tear on Lan Zhan's eye and wiped it away, resting his hand on his cheek and smiling when he pressed his face into his palm.

"I love you too."

He wanted to commit Lan Zhan's smile into his memory.

He took his hand back from Lan Zhan's face, and tugged on both of Lan Zhan's forearms to do the same. They re-positioned themselves in front of the campfire, never too far from each other, always maintaining points of contact, arm to arm, thigh to thigh, side by side.

The silence stretched until Wei Ying decided to break it.

"Well I guess congratulations are in order. You have been blessed to receive my first kiss, Lan Zhan. It's the highest honor." He joked.

Lan Zhan looked at him, something akin to awe and wonder on his face, seemingly taking Wei Ying's words seriously.

"All of it," he said.

Wei Ying didn't follow.

"What?" He asked.

"I want all of it. Second kiss and third. All of it." His voice was steady and sure.

Wei Ying laughed. "So greedy, Lan Zhan. I never knew you were this possessive~" He bumped his shoulder against his.

Lan Zhan didn't react.

"Here," Wei Ying said, as he leaned over and pressed his lips on Lan Zhan's lips, mouth open in invitation. Wei Ying's tongue licked his lower lip briefly and that was all Lan Zhan needed to break his restraint.

'You can have all my firsts,' Wei Ying didn't say.

 

 

They arrive in Gusu later than expected, what with these new distractions they discovered along the way. Wei Ying didn't want to be separated from Lan Zhan, but he didn't have to worry at all. Lan Zhan stayed by his side as he brought him to meet dozens of people, old masters and elders and expert healers. They had no answers. No one had ever gone as far as Wei Wuxian had in the study of demonic cultivation.

"How did you lose your golden core?" One of them had asked.

"The Core-Melting Hand," he lied easily.

They talked among themselves in loud mutters, and Wei Ying could only catch a few words like "no cure", "hopeless" and "how terrible". He knew it all already. He thanked them for their time and grabbed Lan Zhan's hand to leave when one of them called him back.

He was the oldest of them all. Back stooped, white beard up to his stomach, he commanded the respect of everyone around him.

"The loss of your golden core is... catastrophic. Its absence has left you vulnerable. Your body cannot protect itself from the danger and damage brought on by your use of resentful energy. You will eventually lose control and the energy will backfire upon you, leaving you to dust. The process has already begun."

"How long do I have?" Wei Ying asked calmly, even as Lan Zhan's hand trembled in his grip.

"It is impossible to tell. But the time grows shorter the more you use it."

"Thank you again."

And they left them, still in avid discussion.

 

 

He led Lan Zhan to his room. He had been quiet all throughout their walk back, lost in thought, and Wei Ying let him think.

When he closed the door behind them, Lan Zhan finally spoke.

"You didn't want to use your sword."

Wei Ying knew what he was referring to, and nodded.

"I couldn't use it. That's why I convinced you we should walk."

"How?"

He had seen through Wei Ying's lie earlier. It had not been Wen ZhuLiu who had destroyed his core. He didn't want to hide it from Lan Zhan, but everyone else in that room didn't need to know.

"I gave it to Jiang Cheng. He doesn't know."

Lan Zhan's eyes widened in shock and Wei Ying decided to tell him everything. About Jiang Cheng losing his core. How Wen Qing had performed the surgery. He skipped over the part where he had to stay awake for two days during the procedure, because he didn't want Lan Zhan to worry.

But Lan Zhan had asked, had wanted to know if it hurt him. And Wei Ying couldn't lie to him when he was looking at him like that. Lan Zhan went to hug him, clutching him tightly, and he whispered the answer into his ear while Lan Zhan rubbed circles on his back, as if trying to erase this past pain.

Lan Zhan now knew why he had resorted to using demonic cultivation. He wanted to ask him to stop, so that he could keep him longer, so they could stay together, but he knew Wei Ying. Knew he couldn't sit still and watch others suffer when he could do something about it. This was the way he learned how to fight back without his core. And Lan Zhan wouldn't take that away from him, even if it meant Wei Ying would be taken from him, because that was who he was and Lan Zhan loved him too much.

 

 

They said their goodbyes. Wei Ying had promised Jiang Cheng that he would meet him again. And Lan Zhan knew he also missed his shijie.

"I wish you could come with me," Wei Ying said.

Lan Zhan hummed his assent. But Wei Ying knew he was needed here. The Cloud Recesses was still in the process of rebuilding. The sacred treasures, artifacts, and documents that his brother Lan Xichen had taken into hiding needed to be reorganized and cataloged. They would meet again on some battlefield, since the war was not yet over.

Lan Zhan removed his forehead ribbon and tied it around his wrist.

"You wouldn't even let me touch this before." Wei Ying laughed, remembering Lan Zhan's disgruntled expression when he accidentally removed it that one time. "What does this mean though?" He asked.

Lan Zhan's ears were slightly pink but all he said was, "Reminder."

He kissed him, full of promise and care, and sent him on his way.

 

 

When Jiang Cheng saw the ribbon tied around his wrist as he waved in greeting, he almost had an aneurysm.

"You got engaged????!" He yelled.

Jiang Yanli was standing beside him, smiling widely and barely containing her glee.

He glanced at the ribbon tied to his wrist, and played with the knot Lan Zhan had tied securely. He shook his head fondly, laughing at the utterly ridiculously sneaky way Lan Zhan had made sure to tell everyone else that Wei Ying was his.

A reminder, he had said.

Wei Ying laughed heartily and ran towards his siblings to give them a warm hug.

 

 

They met again a few months later. The letters had never been enough to contain their longing, never enough to close the distance between their hearts. But now...

Wei Ying smiled at Lan Zhan, and answered the unspoken question.

'Will you marry me?'

He raised his ribbon-tied wrist over his heart and said "Yes."

 

 

He still had those outbursts, more and more frequently as the war raged on. He knew he was losing control.

But Lan Zhan was there. His love, a lifeline. Whenever his heart was filled with resentment from thousands of souls, his love for Lan Zhan grounded him, reminded him that this feeling was his own. And he clung to it even as he was buffeted by storms of negative emotions. He tried to hold on.

 

 

When Wei Wuxian was twenty, he got married. He didn't want to waste any more time because he knew it was running out for him. They both loved each other, didn't they? So what if it was considered unconventional? At some point in the future, this wouldn't be thought of as such an impossible thing, he rationalized.

And besides, Wei Wuxian had always been taught to attempt the impossible.

Notes:

I've been working on this for a couple of days because it wouldn't go away. Just wanted Wei Ying to goddamn notice how heartbroken Lan Zhan looked when he was asking him to return to Gusu with him.

I didn't want to end it with Wei Ying dying, though I think he still will in this alternate timeline. If they got together before Wei Ying died, is it more painful for Lan Zhan or less? I don't want to think about it.