Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lean On, Major Lazer with DJ Snake, feat. MØ

“Do you recall, not long ago
We would walk on the sidewalk
Innocent, remember?
All we did was care for each other

But the night was warm
We were bold and young
All around the wind blows
We would only hold on to let go

[Chorus 2x:]
Blow a kiss, fire a gun
We need someone to lean on
Blow a kiss, fire a gun
All we need is somebody to lean on…”

Cesar kicked at the dusty gravel of his tio Hector’s front yard. He’d been trying to study for his California History final, which was happening tomorrow morning at eight AM whether he was ready for it or not, but the noisy gathering of Santos in the yard kept interrupting. After staring at his book for an hour and not remembering anything, he’d decided he had to go somewhere else.

“Where you going at eleven on a school night?” Hector’s voice carried above the murmur of boasting and complaining. Hector could care less about the fact that it was a school night but Cesar knew he wouldn’t pass up the chance to jerk his chain in front of the Santos guys. If there was one thing Hector got off on, it was reminding Cesar that he was Oscar’s second in command.

He pivoted on his heel. “Out. I gotta study. I can’t get it done here and I have a history exam tomorrow.” There was a chorus of laughter.

“Yo what you wastin’ time on that shit for? You know you don’t need no history class. Oscar’s gonna hook you up when he gets back.” His cousin Bash smacked the bottom of his book bag making the objects inside rattle.

Cesar shrugged. Most of these guys had dropped out at some point, Bash included. There was no way to win an argument with them using the value of education as a talking point. “State says I got to go to school. I might as well do my best.” It was the line he’d been using since the fifth grade.

“Whatever.” Hector rolled his eyes. “You still didn’t tell me where you’re going.”

“What does it matter?” He mumbled. To be honest, he didn’t know where. Ruby’s household had probably already gone to bed. And although the Turners kept later hours because of the restaurant, they wouldn’t let Cesar camp out and study. He’d either have to break into school or go to Monse’s. He considered the options. Monse’s definitely had electricity and a lower risk of landing a B&E for his first entry to his permanent record. He tried to pivot away again but Hector grabbed the top loop of his bag and held him in place.

He made Cesar wait while he took a long draw on the joint he was holding in his other hand. Then he handed it to Bash, leaned forward so his face was in Cesar’s, and exhaled a long stream of swampy vapor into his face. A few of the guys tittered in the background. Cesar forced himself not to cough or grimace. He liked to smoke up every now and then, and one thing he could say for his uncle, he did have a habit of sampling their best product. But still, he would have preferred not sample the wares on the way to study. “What if something happens and you’re not here? You know there could be a welfare check at any time. Huh? Did you think of that? After all I do for you, you could at least do me the courtesy of not making things more difficult for me and your aunt.”

Anger sliced through Cesar. Not making things more difficult always felt like Hector’s way of saying he wished Cesar wasn’t there. Which was bullshit because he loved the regular checks he got from the good state of California not to mention the convenient excuse for regular visits to both his brother and eldest nephew during their incarcerations. Cesar eyed the handgun tattooed on the side of Hector’s shaved head. It wouldn’t do any good to fight him. With all the guys around he’d either come out being viewed as a petulant child or a traitor to the Santos. He sighed. “To Monse’s. I’m going to Monse’s for a little while. I doubt there will be a welfare check this late at night.” He pressed his lips together, waiting for the mocking answer.

“That girl’s house? What are you going to do there?”

“Study.” He answered truthfully but it set off a round of guffaws and rude comments from the guys around.

Hector let go of the back pack. “That’s Montrelle’s girl isn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah?” He wondered what the heck Hector would know about Monse’s dad. Not only was Monse’s dad a productive member of society but Monty was hardly ever around.

“She gonna be trouble? You know better than to go starting something with someone who will be running to the cops every five minutes.”

“Monse trouble?” Cesar sighed and pulled against Hector’s hold. “I doubt it. She’s cool. She’s lived here all her life, knows what’s what.” To say she’s cool might have been a stretch but Monse wasn’t going to suddenly discover her childhood neighborhood wasn’t a fairyland. She was already well acquainted with the reality of who the Santos were.

Hector still looked doubtful but he finally released him, causing Cesar to stumble a step, much to the delight of the guys. “Fine, go have fun. Just don’t forget, wrap it before you tap it. I ain’t got room for any more brats at my house.” That prompted a new round of jeers.

“Gross! We’re just studying Hector. Monse is like my best friend!” He hefted his pack a little higher and stepped between the guys in white tanks filling the yard. “See you all later.”

“See you.”

“Study hard, yeah real hard!” They called after him.

“This world was never meant
To make you feel at home.
See how they tell you
work your fingers to the bone.
See how they tell you
keep your head down watch your tone
Tis world was never meant
To make you feel at home.

They say they love you
They take it back
They grab the money
There’s blood on the stacks
Tis world was never meant
To make you feel at home.

Won’t you let it out?
Oh oh oh, ohhhh oh.
Won’t you let it out?
Oh oh oh, ohhhh oh….”

-Blood, Harville

Chapter Text

Ganas de Ti, Karol G

“…..Yo sé que quieres pero no te atreves
Yo sé que si puedes si lo dices
Yo puedo también y dime donde nos vamos a ver
Dime baby, esta noche como vamos a resolver

Ya no puedo ocultarlo más
Ya no puedo ocultarlo más
Se me notan las ganas
Te quiero en mi cama

Ve si te quedas o te vas
Pero si tú te vas a quedar
Te quedas en mi cama

Ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay
Ay, ay ay ay
Tengo ganas de ti
Ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay
Ay, ay ay ay
Tengo ganas de ti….”

Cesar stuck his head into the living room where his Tia Carla was binging on her favorite telenovela. “Don’t wait up for me, OK? Jamal, Ruby, and I are camping out at Ruby’s tonight.”

“Cesar!” She frowned from beneath the perfectly straightened bleached blond hair that clashed with her dark brows. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know you go to an end of the school party.” She hit pause on the TV. The DVR had shown up on their doorstep a few weeks ago. Somehow things had a tendency to do that in this house. Cesar suspected that Los Santos were to blame but there was no point in getting upset. He had no standing to ask anyone for details anyhow. Bash might tell him but his uncle would get bent out of shape if he even hinted the stealing was wrong.

“Yeah, we might go to the party. But we are relly camping afterward.”

“Claro, you go to the party. Have the fun. You are growing up so fast. You will be too busy for this things soon enough.”

He grinned and kissed her cheek. “Not too soon.”

Her lips turned down in a slight frown. “Oh don’t you worry boy. Hector seems hard-hearted but he does have plans for you. He just wants to see you grow up a little more first is all.” He spent his walk wondering how they could not see after four years that he wasn’t all that interested in joining the Santos.

Monse, Ruby, and Jamal met him at the corner at 10 PM. “You wore blue!” Ruby immediately began second guessing his fashion choices. Cesar glanced down at his tee shirt. He’d worn whichever one his hand landed on first when he reached into his second drawer.

“Dude, I suspect at least one in five guys at the party will be wearing blue.” Jamal commented. “Statistically speaking, the chances of a guy not wearing blue, black, white, gray, or red is low.”

“What about green or yellow?” Monse arched a brow at their friend. “Yellow can be a manly color.”

“Prophet colors.” Ruby turned and walked backward. “Mario says that Jacob, the guy holding the party, is your Tio Hector’s bastard son. So I can’t see Prophet colors in this house, at all. Cesar knew Jacob, except he usually went by Smash. He was a whiz with car stereos but-

“Are you sure your story is right? ‘Cause that would make him Cesar’s half cousin and they look nothing alike. You didn’t get that from Jasmine, did you?” Monse interrupted. She was rolling her eyes so big at Ruby that she almost tripped over an uneven bit of sidewalk.

Cesar flung out an arm to catch her. God her skin was like nothing he’d ever felt before. Two weeks ago he’d gone over to her house to study with the guys’ ragging in the back of his mind and suddenly everything about her was ten times more compelling than it had ever been before. “Cuidado Monse. You’ll never get those railroad tracks off your face if you plant it into the sidewalk.”

She ignored him, slipping her arm free without even a second glance. “No es possible. Tell him Cesar. Jacob and his mom didn’t move here until he was like ten at least.”

He did some quick math in his head. Yeah, Jacob must have been born around 2000. That was about when his Dad went away that first time so Hector had a lot of new responsibilities. “It’s possible. But there’s like thirty other Santos that could be Jacob’s father too. His mother used to run with the 4th Street Hermanas.”

Ruby pivoted forward again. “Cesar, I can’t look at you if you’re going to slut shame. Monse come on. We can’t leave you with this guy anymore.”

Cesar laughed. “You’re so full of it Ruby. Everyone knows that Jacob’s mom spent a lot of time down in pimp lane. He practically got off the school bus there for years.”

“No, he didn’t. He got off at the corner of 4th and…oooohhhhh.” Jamal trailed off.

Monse bumped Cesar’s shoulder. “Yeah, seriously guys, if I’m not offended, none of you should be either.” His whole side tingled from where she’d bumped him. He wondered if she even knew the effect she could have on them. Ever since his brother had gone to prison when he was 10, it had been a little harder to make friends. And when middle school rolled around and all the girls started acting prissy and stupid, Monse had been the only one who stayed normal. She could be trusted to never giggle or drop hints or distract him with annoying notes in class. She was a ride or die friend, and along with Ruby and Jamal, the best he’d ever had. At least, that was until she had kissed him after he made her laugh telling her about what Hector had said to him. Ever since she’d been acting like it never happened leaving him totally confused.

They rounded another corner and the party came into view. Kids were all over the lawn and the drive, loud music pumped out of the windows, and the smoke from a grill rose into the night sky. “So how we gonna play this?” Ruby asked. “You think we can just walk in? I mean, once we grab a beer it will be just like we were invited, right? No one knows everyone at our school.”

“Dude, no one else cares if we are there but it’s Mario who will totally rat you out.” Monse reined in Ruby’s plans.

“We’ll go around back, look over the wall and find out if he’s there. And if he is there, we’ll just go to a different area.” He told them.

“This is a high school party, we need beers and weed and beautiful chicas to enjoy it properly.” Jamal protested. “No offense Monse, but you aren’t what I’m looking for.”

“Who says I’m looking for anything either?” She wrinkled her nose at them. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe Monse hadn’t liked the kiss and she didn’t want to tell him. He watched her hips swing easily as she strode directly toward the party. No, Monse would have said she didn’t like it right away. She didn’t hold back. And hadn’t she been the one to kiss him first? One minute they were leaning against the fence outside her room, talking about the letter she’d just gotten accepting her to writing camp, and the next she had sighed; thanked him for being there for her; and backed him up against the fence. She had been into it; he was sure, so much so that after she’d pushed herself away, mumbled that she was sorry for doing something so stupid, and run into the house, he’d had to catch his breath and calm his hormones before he could walk back to Hector and Carla’s house.

Twenty minutes later they were watching Mario and Angelica get it on in the midst of the dancing and carousing as if they only had eyes for one another. He stole a glance at Monse. Would she freak out if he told her that he’d like to have that some day, with her?

Probably. She’d probably kick his ass for not interpreting her blowoff correctly too. Monse was scrawny but she had way more of a temper than he did. Tia Carla said he took after his mother, always letting other people have their way at the expense of his own needs. He watched as Mario pulled Angelica closer so that their hips ground together. Angelica frowned for a moment but then she melted against him. He definitely needed to be more like Mario. Guys like Mario seemed to get what they wanted. After all, Mario had run with the Santos for a few years and then he’d gotten serious about school, made top marks, and he was going to college this fall. Mrs. Martinez treated him like a hero now that he had gotten a scholarship. She cooked his favorites and gave him pocket money and told everyone in the neighborhood how he had done his family so proud by saving them from the cost of tuition.

Later that night, after Mario’s melt down, they crowded around the table and played cards for Abuelita’s cookies. Monse was in the lead when her phone dinged. As she tipped her hand to swipe across the screen Jamal half fell out of his chair trying to get a peak at her cards. “Hey, we’re not playing wild west style!” Ruby protested. “I know because last hand I totally caught a reflection of Cesar’s jack of spades in the toaster but I made myself not use that information.”

“We didn’t declare no Wild West rules.” Jamal angled his head to see what he could pick up from the toaster. “It’s like when you want to park your car on the street. It’s fair game unless there is a no parking sign.”

Monse was frowning at the message on her phone.

“What? That’s not how it works Jamal!”

Cesar leaned over and asked quietly, “What’s up?”

“Just Dad. He got caught in some traffic this afternoon and hasn’t been able to make up the time. Say he’s gonna have to pull over and sleep soon or he’ll get fined.”

“Tell him you’re here at Ruby’s.”

She nodded absentmindedly and continued to type. Huffing in frustration at whatever her dad replied.

“If we’re going Wild West than I request a re-deal for this hand. I wasn’t aware of the rule sitch and it’s only fair.” Ruby reached for the deck.

Jamal reached across the table with one of his gangly arms and slapped a hand on top of Ruby’s. “Deal on the re-deal. No deal on the you-deal.”

“Besides it’s my hand!” Monse stared them all down.

A few hands later Mario came out and raided the fridge. Ruby groaned. “Great, now our room will smell like corn chips all night!”

“Like it doesn’t already.” Jamal shrugged. “At least he’s moving out soon.”

“Hell, I’d take a room that smelled like food over smoke and stale beer any day.” It was no secret with these guys that he hated living with his tios. His aunt was sweet and his uncle and cousin tried to keep him involved in the family, but they smoked and drank and there were guys over at their house constantly. “Last week I came home after exams and some cholo and his ruca I’d never met before were using my room to, you know.”

Ruby shifted slightly farther away from him. “Ew, you better get yourself to the clinic for some antibiotics dude. You can catch like a million STDs second hand like that.” Jamal and Monse shook their heads enthusiastically.

He rolled his eyes at them. “I can work the washing machine by myself.”

Ruby tossed his cards down. “So you just let them do their thing and then cleaned up after? That’s sad. You gotta take a stand. Be a man and put your foot down. Make your room your sacred space.”

“Personally I would have just gone in and gone about my business like they weren’t there.” Monse added more cookies to the pile. “How would anyone concentrate with someone watching? It wouldn’t be worth it and they would give up and stop.”

Jamal turned to her. “What do you mean concentrate? There’s boobs and butts, and..everything. Where else would your concentration be?”

Cesar’s gut twinged as twin dusky patches appeared high on her cheeks. “You know to ah…you know..” She glanced down at her cards and then at the closed bedroom door and then at him. Damn if he wasn’t dying to hear what she said. Thoughts he’d been trying not to have for two weeks crowded out everything in the room. First and foremost was an image of the slightly darker brown skin at the edge of Monse’s palm in contrast to her smooth stomach, moving south. He had to adjust himself in his seat.

“You mean to climax?” Ruby supplied. “Seriously? You have a whole house to yourself Monse. Try living in 1200 square feet with seven people. Seven! I can assure you, no concentration is needed. You just need to train yourself to get in, get out, get satisfied.” Then he glanced back at the room he shared with Mario. “But if I had my own room…”

“No details, please?” Monse tossed her cards down. “I love you guys, but this is more than I need to know. And I need to get packing.” She pushed her chair back.

Jamal leaned over the table. “Don’t go Monse. We’ll change the subject. How do you suppose Angelica does it, with her dangler? Is she slow like a girl or wham-bam like a guy?”

Ruby erupted into giggles. “Dude, I never thought of that!”

“Ok. You guys have fun camping out.” Monse grabbed her purse and headed for the door. “Camp is a no phone zone so I’ll send you a postcard or something.”

“Monse!” The three of them scrambled from their seats. “You can’t go! Camp out with us and pack in the morning.”

Jamal wrapped his arms around her in a sideways hug. “We’re gonna miss you too much!”

She tipped her head to rest on Jamal’s shoulder. “I know. But you guys will have each other. And you can write to me too.”

Jamal released her into Ruby’s arms. “If you write me into any of your stories, make me like the most secretly bad-ass guy, ok?” He kissed her cheek. “It’s either that or the criminal mastermind.”

She hugged Ruby back. “I’ll keep that in mind.” And then suddenly she was pivoting toward him. Cesar’s pulse raced. He wasn’t ready!

She spun right past him. “Do you guys mind if I borrow Cesar for a bit? I need someone tall to get my suitcase down from the garage rafters.”

Ok then, he supposed that meant he ought to follow her. “I’ll be back. Just gonna walk Monse home.”

Jamal and Ruby exchanged a look, shrugged, and slumped back to their seats a the table. “Ok.”

“But we can’t guarantee any snacks by the time you get back.” Ruby added. Snacks were only on the schedule from 11 to 1. After that, I need my beauty sleep.”

“I’ll take my chances.” He nodded toward the door. “C’mon.”

Monse was silent as she marched down the Martinez’ short front path and then pivoted to the sidewalk. Cesar grabbed the gate before it had a chance to slam behind her. “Slow down Monse! Are you really in such a hurry to pack up and leave us all?”

“Ha!” She grabbed at one of the straps of the ridiculous jumper she was wearing before it had a chance to slip down her shoulder. He’d been watching it all evening and wondering if she realized that most girls their age would wear it with nothing under it but a sports bra or one of those tiny tank tops that made girls look all soft and round and- “I don’t really need you to get my suitcase down.” She told him matter of factly as she stepped up to the curb at the corner and waited for a car to glide past. He recognized Cheeto at the wheel, probably on the lookout for Prophets after whatever those shots were from before.

“Ok, then why did you want me to come with you?”

“Would you believe me if I said it was late, and I didn’t want to walk home alone?”

He blinked in surprise. Yeah it was late, but these streets weren’t any more dangerous now than they were at noon. Maybe even less so with the constant cop presence they got late at night. Plus, this was Monse. “I wouldn’t believe it. You’re not afraid of anything. Besides, if it was so dangerous you would worry about me walking back to Ruby’s by myself.”

“No.” One side of her lips and brow curved up in supposed annoyance at him. “You’re safe out here.”

He took her hand and began tugging her across the street. “Yeah, right. My brother’s influence only goes so far. It also means I practically have a green light on me all the time.”

She stopped in the middle of the street and looked back toward Ruby’s. “Should we go back then?”

“Hell no. You asked me to get you a suitcase so you can run away and escape all this for the summer and that’s what I’m going to do.” He hadn’t meant to express his jealousy quite so freely but there it was. She might as well know how lucky she was.

She squeezed his hand before stepping forward again with a sigh. “Come on, before I feel too guilty to go.”

When they reached the opposite curb he tugged her to a stop. Her house was a few doors down to the right. His tio’s was a few to the left. And his brother’s was halfway down the block directly in front of them. But they might have been a world apart considering how different each was. “Don’t feel guilty Monse. We’re all super proud of you. And someday when you are a famous writer, you can take us all on a fancy summer vacation to make it up to us.”

“You have a lot of faith in my ability to actually become a writer. What if I abandon you guys and then all I ever do with my life is become a store clerk or something? You gonna be proud of me then?”

“I’m always gonna be amazed by you.” She had been looking right past him, down the street toward the old house he had once shared with his brother. But when he said that her gaze met his. He sucked in a breath at the look in her eyes. The corners sparkled with tears. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d seen Monse cry.

Then she tossed her cloud of hair and snorted. “You guys will have each other. I’ll be all by myself.”

“You’re gonna do great Monse. I know it. And if the people at your camp suck you can just write them into toads and crows and shit. Write me and Jamal and Ruby slaying them all for you and then come home and we can rank on those losers for months.”

Her smile nearly blinded him. “Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.” She looked down at their hands, where they were still joined. “You think you’ll still want to hold my hand when I get back?”

Hell yes. He wanted to do so much more than that. But first and foremost he didn’t want to scare her off. Monse could be …prickly. “Yeah, I’m not ready to let go of it yet.”

“Good.” Her voice was practically a whisper. “Keep walking me home then. I’m not ready to let go of yours either.” The thrill that shot through him was electric. It felt almost like someone else was doing it when he detangled his fingers from hers and then slipped his arm around her shoulders. But there was no mistaking when she slipped her hand into his back pocket, or when she tucked her face into his shoulder with a shy grin.

“OK.” She whispered.

When they reached the dark porch of her father’s little two bedroom bungalow she didn’t slip away. She just led him right up to the door and then fished in her pocket for the key. The door swung inward on silent hinges, the entry way appearing dark and foreboding where it was shielded from the streetlight. She stepped inside without hesitation while he was still conjuring up attackers and monsters in the shadows. And then suddenly he was half yanked into the pitch black front hall that lay between the living room and Monse’s room. Their thighs bumped together and he was instantly fighting his reaction. “Monse-”

“Come in with me. I get creeped out when I’m the only one here in the dark.” She half pushed, have body slammed him into her room, before finally flicking on a light. Thank God he’d chosen jeans tonight or he’d be embarrassing himself by now. “I know, it’s stupid and childish to be afraid of the dark but I guess I am. Once I get the light on and close my door-” She reached behind him and pushed the door panel shut. “-then I’m ok.”

His brain was fighting to keep himself from saying something incredibly stupid about keeping her safe in the dark. He had been in her room many times, even at night, but it felt different with just the two of them in the house. He looked anywhere but at her. Her suitcase was set neatly by the closet where half the hangers were now bare. Some of her usual clutter was gone, presumably packed inside.

Cesar hated the thought of her going. What if she really didn’t come back? What if camp was so awesome that she asked her father to move wherever this amazing school was. Mr. Finnie would do it too, move for her. He did anything Monse asked for and Cesar understood why. He recalled how excited she’d been when she found out the camp had a scholarship program. The radiant smile and glowing cheeks were hard to resist. Even though they would miss her, the whole fam had pushed her to apply. Cesar tamped down another wave of jealousy but it was hard to stop at least a little slip into longing. It wasn’t like he’d ever had a parent who would do so much for him. He talked to his dad a few times a year but he’d never known him. And once their mother had died, Oscar hadn’t made them go to the old man’s parole hearings anymore. And his mother, she just hadn’t had the means. So yeah, he was a little jealous.

Monse hung her purse on the chair in the corner and then stopped right in front of him. “So. What exactly am I doing here if your suitcase is already packed?” His heart pounded as he asked. He’d been waiting for her to give any indication of what she thought of their one kiss for almost two weeks. And now that they were alone again, he hardly had the courage to get the question out there.

“I think we should talk about what happened, uh, well, you know, when we ah, kissed.” She ducked her head a little but her eyes never left his face.

Yes we should talk about it, his brain clambered. But his pulse suddenly felt like it was working through heavy oil. What if she told him they were done being friends? Monse was his anchor. Sure, Ruby and Jamal would always be his closest guy friends, his life rafts, but they both had families and people who supported them. Monse understood, at least a little bit better than they did, the smothering fatigue that came with swimming upstream most of the time. She was rock solid. 100%. But panic was also brewing in his gut. One way or another, he was about to find out what she thought about kissing him, and in a way, what she thought about him period. “What about it?” He tried to keep the anxiety out of his voice. If she said she was glad nothing had happened from it he would be done, wrecked. But he would have to keep it together and play it cool. Because Jamal and Ruby would never forgive him if he destroyed the fam with something like this.

Her brows hit the ceiling. “Why haven’t we done it again? Was I, like, bad at it? Because I’ll have you know that I have had very little practice and I usually do get better at things with practice and-” It was a split second decision fueled by watching Mario and Angelica earlier in the evening. Mario wouldn’t have talked it out. He would have kissed it out. So that’s what Cesar did. Monse’s eyes grew huge as he slipped a hand under her hair and pulled her closer. Her small frame tensed momentarily when he got her so close that their shoulders touched, but the minute his lips captured hers her rigid stature began to bend into him. He closed his eyes and felt as their bodies yielded to one another. He’d been waiting two weeks for this. Two very long weeks of watching her for any sign that she might have wanted another kiss as badly as he did. And it had been torture not to ask Ruby and Jamal if she’d said anything about him. But he’d known that would just make trouble for the little crew so he’d kept quiet.

He couldn’t keep quiet now. Monse’s hands settled on his shoulders so that her elbows were between them, holding him off a little bit. He ran a hand down her back, pressing tightly, hoping to convince her that she should relax even more. Her fingers kneaded the space between his neck and his shoulder, one small hand slipping beneath his collar leaving a hot brand of her palm against him. He couldn’t help it, he groaned into her mouth. He wanted more of that, wanted it with such a heady urgency that he didn’t even think before slipping his own hands in the armholes of her ridiculous jumper and wiggling under her sweater.

The skin of her ribs fluttered under his palms and she giggled into his mouth. But she pressed herself more completely into his embrace, tugging at his shirt. And then suddenly she was kissing his neck, his chest, while her hands ran over his skin leaving lightening in their wake. It was delicious and overwhelming, setting off a chorus of alarm bells in his head. This was serious. This was way more than he was prepared for. “Monse?”

She ignored him and kept on touching. In true Monse fashion, she had decided what she wanted and she was not letting anything stop her. “Monse? Stop for a second.”

“Don’t want to.” She stepped back and began slipping the straps of her denim dress down. She shimmied herself out of it while his eyes bugged out of his head.

“You wanted to talk? I’m sorry. I totally subverted that. It’s my fault.” He dropped to the end of her bed. “We should probably talk now.”

She was already half way through tugging her sweater over her head. “Help me!” A muffled plea came from inside the scratchy fabric. She tugged one arm loose of the sleeve. Beautiful planes of soft brown skin were coming into view at an alarming rate. He took in the neon green panties, the tiny flower in the V neck of her undershirt, and the way the fabric was tangled around her. Then he reached out and gripped her hip, directing her closer. The fine texture skin of her triceps gave way to even silkier skin on the underside of her forearm as he slipped his hands up to her wrists and released hers from the cuffs of the sweater. She tossed it aside with a huff and he noticed for the first time that the mass of her hair was nearly as thick as the willowy body she usually hid under loose fitting clothing.

“We really do need to-” He tried to protest again but she was pushing him onto his back and crashing on top of him.

“We don’t need to talk. If you’re down, I’m down. I just, I uh, I don’t want to go away with this feeling that I’m wasting time with you. You know what I mean? I think you know what I mean.” She cocked her head, but he wasn’t sure she really wanted an answer from him.

How could she expect him to answer while she was sitting on him that way? Heat burned through him where she sat on his thighs and his brain whirled. He hadn’t done this before but he had the impression that this wasn’t how these things usually went. After all, over the last two weeks he’d constructed an entire plan, in carefully thought out steps from holding hands to kissing to touching and beyond. In typical Monse fashion she blew through his entire staged progression of dates and conversations like an unstoppable force. And who was he to protest? If he went along with it he got to taste the sweet spot under her ear again and mold her soft flesh to the place he ached for her. Only one thought stopped him from joining her in her abandon. He slid one hand up her back, tripping over the delicate straps resting on her shoulder to bring her down closer. “My only condition is that Ruby and Jamal don’t have to know, at least not yet. Deal?”

She sighed and dropped her head to his. “It doesn’t feel right to keep something from the guys. This is big, you know?” He knew, but at the same time, neither of them dealt well with surprises.

“Monse, you’re killing me. Seriously. Do you want to break up the fam? I need you, all three of you, if I am ever going to survive this place. I don’t know if I can risk that. Let me warm them up to the idea over the summer. What difference will it make if they find out now or later?”

“So you want it to be a secret? You’re no Jamal but do you really think you can not tell them something like this?” Ordinarily he would say yes but there was something that made him want everyone to know that he was the only one who knew what the soft recesses of her mouth tasted like or how she gripped his skin like she was hanging on for dear life or what the heat of her breasts grazing him through the soft fabric of her undershirt while she leaned down to whisper in his ear felt like.

“I can keep a secret when it’s for our own, all of our own, good. Remember how I kept my mouth shut about Lenny being at the Quik Stop the night it got hit?”

“Oh yeah? Are you forgetting that you also told Mrs. Guzman that the Quik Stop was an easy target because the guys who broke in only needed a crowbar and a pair of wire clippers as tools?”

“I was 10! And I didn’t even know it was supposed to be a secret. This is different.” He used both hands to smooth her hair back from her face. Bash swore girls loved it when a guy did that. “Let me kiss you more? I won’t tell them now and you can think about how we want to handle it while you are away.”

He felt her weight shift, nearly groaned as her hips ground into his. “Yeah, ok, I’d like that. It will be all I’ll think about all summer.” She bit off a shy smile as she lowered her lips to his and elation surged through him, leaving molten hot desire in its wake.

It was only after, when he was laying in a sleeping bag on Ruby’s back patio listening to Ruby and Jamal debate whether girls actually cared what guys wore that reality sunk in. Telling them would ruin everything.

“…I know my lease is up and the bailiff's at the door
And still I'm hanging on to the life we had before
I know this cold love won't lead me to the Lord
Although I'm black and blue I'm begging you for more

It's getting harder to breathe
Chainsmoking your love
Can't be good for my sanity
Can't be good for my lungs
Chainsmoking your love
Chainsmoking your love
Chainsmoking your love
Chainsmoking your love…”

-Chainsmoking, Jacob Banks

Chapter Text

Sera Lo Mejor, Andy Riviera

“…Y lo que creo mejor es no volverte a llamar anananananao
Lo mejor sera es no volverte a buscar

Sero lo mejor para los dos
Ohhh ohhhh
Sero lo mejor para los dos
Ohhhh ohhh
Sera lo mejor para los dos
Ohhh ohhh
Sera lo mejor para los dos

Sera mejor estar asi
Uno lejos del otro
Asi evitamos mas desilusiones
Y habran menos corazones rotos…”

“Hey ese! Your friends have fun at that party last night?” Sad Eyes asked Cesar as he jogged up to Hector’s front steps.

“Yeah, it was alright.” Guys had been all over the house this afternoon for some reason. He’d come back from Ruby’s around 10 intending to go over to Monse’s to make sure she was OK with everything. After all, they had gotten far more carried away than he’d ever intended. But her dad’s truck was parked in the drive and somehow, he didn’t think they would get enough privacy for the conversation he wanted to have. So instead he’d spent most of the day drawing.

“Dude, it got wild right after we saw you.” Sad Eyes pointed toward where a jagged abrasion shaded his cheek. “A couple idiot Prophets showed up shouting about how the kid who brought the weed owed them money. Totally ruined the party.”

“You give them a hard time?”

“Of course. He should have bought from us.” Cesar rolled his eyes. He had meant the Prophets.

Cesar jerked his thumb toward where his uncle Hector, aka Dash, was holding court in the backyard. “That what’s got everyone over here today?”

“Ese, you ain’t heard? Things gonna get better soon. Spooky’s getting paroled!”

His head shot up. “What?”

Sad Eyes was laughing. “Fool, you should see your face!”

Cesar rolled his eyes. “Seriously, don’t joke about shit like that.”

“Oh, it’s no joke. Bash called us over cause Dash wants us to make a big push these next few weeks, get the cash situation tip-top for when Spooky comes back here.” Cesar’s stomach started to roll as the other guy continued on into the back yard. A big push could mean only one thing, more crime, more conflict with the Prophets.

He hurried into his room and yanked out his phone. But when he was about to type a message to the fam he ended up just staring at it a minute. Should he include Monse in the text or not? She was going to be gone all summer after all? But it just felt wrong to exclude her.

Cesar to Monse- “Hey, saw your dad made it home. What time do you leave?”

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal- “Just heard Spooky’s getting paroled.”

Ruby to Cesar and Jamal- “Seriously? Failure of the justice system.”

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - “Dude, that’s his brother. It’s only really a failure from one perspective.”

Cesar to Monse - “Well, a have a great summer anyways. Let me know when you get back.”

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - “Just like when he left. No one’s actually told me anything official.”

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - “Meet up tomorrow? Goonies is showing at the Castle Theater.”

Cesar clicked out a quick reply and then stuffed his phone in his pocket. The person who would know the most about what was going on with his brother was probably his uncle, and after that Bash. And they were in the backyard right now. Might as well go hang out and see what he could learn. His stomach clenched at the thought of joining the group back there. It wasn’t that he was outright scared of the guys. Sure, some of them had done some bad shit, but he knew he had somewhat protected status so that wasn’t what worried him. But Oscar coming back, that would change things. His thoughts went to Monse. She would march right out there and do whatever the hell she wanted without even a second thought. He checked his messages one last time but there was still nothing from her. He’d thought there would be at least one message before she left. If she had regrets he’d never forgive himself.

“Primo!” Bash clapped him on the back. “We ain’t seen you in weeks.”

Cesar looked past him to his uncle but Hector was deep in conversation with Sad Eyes about something now. “I’ve been busy with school.” He shrugged. But I’m free now, for weeks.”

“Good. You heard the news? You’re just in time because we need some foot soldiers. You got time to sit some corners?”

He’d hoped they wouldn’t ask so that he could find out more before he had to say no. But if he said no now he’d lose his source of information. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t done it before. He’d played watchman since before he even knew why they were watching. “Yeah, sure. But I’m sure Tia Carla wants me to go to church with her tomorrow so not ‘til the afternoon.”

Bash laughed. “Yeah, you don’t know how much I owe you for that over these last four years. You think you can still come over and keep her off my back after Spooky get’s back?” Bash flashed his teeth as he smiled. He’d never been as negative toward Cesar as Hector but that was because Cesar distracted his mother from what he was doing right under her nose. “After church, take the corner of 19th and CC. You can pass on what you know to Gordo.”

Gordo was currently sitting on a milk crate under a craggy lemon tree. He flashed Cesar a smile full of metal. “You got your brother’s nose for bacon? We gonna have to call you Lil’ Spooky soon?”

Cesar shook his head. “Don’t have to call me nothing. I’m just doing Bash a favor.” He dragged over a crate and took a seat nearby. “But I’ll need a different phone.”

“I’ll set you up Lil’ Spooky.” Gordo scratched his bald head. “Drop by Pimp Lane after church.”

“Now that this one’s having all night study dates I wouldn’t let him within 50 feet of your girls.” Tio Hector came up behind Cesar and punched him lightly on the shoulder. “They won’t be able to resist a sweet innocent face like his.”

Gordo squinted at Cesar and then flashed his metal mouthed grin again. “Naw, you know what’s freaky? We do our best business on Sunday afternoon. Girls will be busy. But when you want to become a man, I’ll set you up.” That prompted a half hour debate about what time of day was best for getting it in. At least that conversation was amusing, except the part when Dash extolled on the virtues of morning wood. He didn’t want to think about that in the context of his uncle, and therefore his aunt. He needed a brain scrub. Thankfully, he was saved by a buzz from his phone.

Monse to the fam - You would not believe the trees here! I woke up feeling inspired and I wrote all the way here and then I got here and saw how big this place is and OMG. If I’m not kidnapped by a sasquatch then I’m going to get a lot of writing in!”

Ruby to the fam - Send pictures?

Jamal to the fam - To clarify, if you see a sasquatch get pictures. And anything you can find for evidence, hair, toenails, scat.

Ruby to the fam - But put on gloves first. We don’t want to contaminate it with human DNA.

Cesar wanted to join them but when he clicked in the message bubble he was suddenly at a loss for what to say.

“Look, we’ve embarrassed the kid.” Bash slapped Cesar on the shoulder and then leaned over. “Don’t worry, with your looks you’ll be smashing it any time of day you want once you hit high school. I bet those middle school girls are already throwing it at you. Won’t be long before you’re an experienced man.”

Cesar grinned wryly. No way in hell he was even giving a hint about his experience so far. “Ah, yeah, I guess so.”

Monse’s face flashed indicating a new message.

Monse to the fam - Gotta turn in my phone after dinner. Sorry, no sasquatch pictures.

Bash grabbed his phone from his hand. “I think he’s holding out on us! This your study date girl calling you for a hookup?”

Shit! He snatched the phone back. “No, that’s just Monse. You know, my friend from school.”

“Friend or not, if she’s hot…” Bash nodded toward his phone. “No way Spooky’s little bro is hanging out with dogs.”

He slipped the phone in his pocket. He’d have to come up with what to text later. “Monse’s my best friend.”

Bash shook his head. “Can’t be friends with no girl fool.”

Sad Eyes nodded sagely. “Yeah, either you hit that soon or someone else will. There ain’t no in between.”

Cesar shook his head. It was just plain creepy discussing Monse with these guys. “Whatever. We’ve been friends forever so Monse is different.”

“Hynas be hynas.” Gordo laughed. “If you don’t know that yet, then you still just a boy.”

“…My arms are always open
Your fears always rollin'
And they deep and you can't control it
What you want, what you want, emotion?
My arms are always open
Your fears always rollin'
And they deep and you can't control it
What you want, what you want, emotion?
…
I could've been homeless
I thought I moved too often
this for the Summer
I could've been homeless
Before I had to go, I had a course”

-BROCKHAMPTON, Honey

Chapter Text

Que Vuelvas, Delinquent Habits

“Ooh.... ooooh..

Tengo ganas de verte muy cerca
Y te vine a buscar
Ya se bien que perdia perdida
Y se bien que olvidaste mi amor
Pero tuve ganas de verte muy cerca
Y te vine a buscar... te vine a buscar

Que vuelvas que vuelvas
Tan solo una vez
Pero que vuelvas mi cielo
Que vine a pedirte perdon

Pero que vuelvas

Si quieres mi vida
Mi vida te doy
Que mas da que la gente nos diga
Conozco a los dos
Conozco a los dos…”

Ruby to Cesar and Jamal - Today’s the day, huh?

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - Yeah, Tia is going nuts. I swear there has never been this much food at this house at once before. Gotta move my shit.

Ruby to Cesar and Jamal - Meet up at my place after?

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - I have to close up tonight. I’ll bring leftovers at 11.

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - I’ll let you know later once I figure out what’s going on.

“Now there is no room for Oscar in this house.” Tia handed him a cardboard box full of cleaning solutions. “Take these over and give the old place a look, see what needs doing. Hector had those renters out three weeks ago but could he bother to tell me before today when I need to prepare? No! That man will be the death of me!” Tia had been a cleaning lady for a few years, before she decided she had enough arthritis to go on disability, and Cesar knew no matter how much he cleaned she would find fault with it. Still, he wasn’t going to argue.

“I need a key.”

“What? Oh, I hadn’t thought of that!” She patted the pockets of her worn cardigan and then pattered back into her tiny kitchen. He heard the jangle of old screws and plastic tape dispensers of her junk drawer.

“You know, I don’t think I have one.” She wrung her hands. “When my brother and then you boys lived there it was always open. I’ll have to call Bash.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He swung back toward the front door. “You have enough to do. I’ll take care of it.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re excited to get back to your old room and spend time with Oscar again. But you remember, my house is always open to you, as long as you stay out of trouble. Don’t go letting those boys take advantage of you the way they did Oscar.”

He smiled back at her. Tia Carla meant well, she really did. But her refusal to accept that Oscar and Bash were no longer the boys who smiled back from the school portraits on her mantle completely baffled him. How could she not see it? “I’ll be good. Text me if they get here before I’m back.”

“Oh you ninos with the texting! You just come home for dinner, yes? It won’t do for Oscar to come home and you not be here to great him.”

He dragged his feet as he walked through a damp California fog toward the house he had grown up in. He hadn’t been inside in almost three years, and he shuddered remembering that last time. He’d come home from YMCA football camp one day, not too long after his brother had gone in to Corcoran to find the front door wide open and the house dark. Even though he had been nervous to go in the dark, he’d crept up to the porch, third hand cleets tapping out his ascent of the cracked concrete steps. “Mama?” He’d knocked on his own front door, heart pounding, wondering if someone had come and robbed them. Oscar said no one would dare, but with Oscar gone… When the dim street light hit the couch he saw her curled up there, two spoons and a lighter on the scarred table in front of her. Her black hair fell over the arm rest nearly to the floor. He could still remember quickly averting his eyes when he realized that she wasn’t wearing any pants and her shirt was pushed up exposing one breast. He’d run to his room and shut the door, hoping he wouldn’t die of embarrassment in the morning. But when no one came to wake him the next day he stepped out of his room into chaos. Tia Carla had swept him away, and he hadn’t been back since. Sometimes, when he was awake late at night he got worried about Tia and he would sneak to the hallway outside her room and listen to make sure she was breathing.

He mounted the steps with bile in his throat. That horrible image of straggly hair and the needle in her emaciated arm was still there. He doubted he could ever forget it. He set the box on the edge of the peeling concrete wall that delineated the porch. Although worn, the tiles were surprisingly clean and he saw the red and white handle of a broom leaning against the wall in the alcove beside the door. No matter how tidy the outside was, his memory of the inside was still dirty and gray. He tried to remember who had rented it last? Some young couple and a kid he thought. He remembered the guy from one time when he came over to tell Hector something was wrong with the washing machine. A short and scrappy kind of guy, he’d rented the place because his wife liked the lemon tree. He held the image of bright and sunny yellow lemons in his head as he reached out for the door handle. He should have asked Ruby and Jamal to come over with him. He almost pulled out his phone to text them right then. But no, he didn’t want them to see this. They were his friends and they thought they knew what his life was. He didn’t need to shove the reality in their faces. No, he wished he’d come over here with Monse. She would have marched right in the door and flicked on every light in the house and made a show of checking the corners for spiders or something like that. And he wouldn’t have wanted her to go in there by herself, just in case, so he would have sucked it up and taken the risk.

He couldn’t stand outside forever though so he drew a deep breath and tried the latch. It gave a little and then stopped. The doorjam flexed as he pushed harder but it wouldn’t give. He was flooded with a mix of grateful relief and concern. He had no idea when his brother would be there and he didn’t want to seem like the same annoying 10 year old he had been the last time they were really together.

It took half an hour but eventually he found that back door of the detached garage was open. It took him ten more minutes to wade through the dust and old furniture stored there and discover that the spare key was still hanging in the same place it had always been, behind the gas can shelf. Although judging from the spiderwebs the renters had never found it. He wiped off the grime and headed for the backdoor, images of lemons back in his head. The renters had cleaned up the trash and junk he remembered in the backyard, but weeds, some 10 feet tall, threatened to overtake the single twisted lemon tree. Once upon a time he and his friends had spent hours under that tree watching the traffic over the back fence. It seemed like it had shrunk since the last time he was there.

The key slid easily in the back door lock and he swept open the peeling wood panel, stepping back into his childhood. The chipped yellow formica counters that ran along two walls of the kitchen were exactly as he remembered them but someone had given the walls and cabinets a fresh coat of white paint. There was a small round table in one corner surrounded by four mismatched chairs. A dead cockroach, legs curled toward the ceiling, served as a centerpiece. Bright sunlight streamed into the hallway in front of him. He sighed and headed for the front door to retrieve his box of supplies without looking into the living room. Making a plan to start in the back and work his way forward with the cleaning, he kept himself busy sweeping up the dead bugs, opening windows, and hauling in furniture from the garage.

He was half way through the bathroom before it occurred to him that he didn’t have to stay in the tiny closet like room that had been his bedroom before. Surely Oscar would want the master bedroom. The door stood open but the blinds were closed, leaving the larger room dimly lit. It was the only room in the house with carpet and the deep impressions left by the previous tenant’s bed reminded him that once upon a time his parents had been happy here. The long low dresser had been filled with his mother’s trinkets, her high heeled boots spilling out over the floor in front of the closet. He remembered playing alongside the big bed in the mornings when his mother went to her part time job as a checkout girl and his father slept off his nights, one inked arm hanging over the side.

The two smaller bedrooms were easy to clean given that they were practically empty boxes. By noon he had done all he could, except for the living room. He checked his phone, frowning when he saw that the only message was from Jasmine asking him if he needed anything. He glanced out the window and toward tia’s house. Oscar could be there by now. Corcoran was only a few hours away. With that in mind, he forced himself to stop in the slightly crooked doorway and study the living room. A cheerful splash of sunlight spilled in from the side windows. The white paint held a yellowish pallor, probably from years of cigarette smoke, and the wood floors were slightly warped, but the room felt warm and inviting. The only shadow intruding on the space came from an old window AC unit, chugging away against the August heat. Relief had him sagging against the door frame. The house might be old and worn, but at least the ghosts had been aired out.

As he cleaned the room he considered what it might be like to live with his brother. When he went to the prison to visit he always ended up babbling to Oscar about the video games he and Ruby and Jamal played. He couldn’t think of anything else he knew his brother liked to do, other than be a Santo, with all that implied. He stood in the center of the room and contemplated the wall space. If they hung a TV on the side wall it wouldn’t be an obvious theft temptation through the front windows and it would be spared the late afternoon glares. He turned and eyeballed the opposite wall. They were going to need a couch too. Then again, Every visit ended with Oscar telling Cesar video games were for kids and asking him about various guys and their activities. Cesar wondered if it might be best to keep playing at Jamal’s house and to stay out of Oscar’s way.

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - Voting time. Which bed room is best?

Ruby to Cesar and Jamal - Which one has more privacy?

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - Which one has a better view?

He laughed out loud and the sound ricocheted off the bare walls like a shot.

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - Privacy wins. Guess I’m back to my old room.

Decision made, he spent spent two hours hauling boxes and furniture in from the garage. When he was done, he had a makeshift bed, complete with Spiderman sheets that he hadn’t seen since the fifth grade, the living room had a decrepit armchair and a coffee table, and Oscar’s room had a bad frame. He was filthy and exhausted, but as he locked up he realized that he was looking forward to coming home to his own space tomorrow.

He pulled out his phone and began typing.

Cesar to Monse - Hey? How’s camp? You’ll never believe where I am. Thinking of doing something in red and blue on the wall, to compliment these mad sexy sheets that I just found.

He was attaching a picture of his room before everything wrong with what he was doing clicked and he immediately deleted his message. That would be real smooth, go weeks without talking and then send pictures of his bed? Talk about asshole territory!

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - Worked up an appetite. Gotta get a job so I can buy paint.

Ruby to Jamal and Cesar - School starts in a couple of weeks. No time for a job.

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - Went to football tryouts this afternoon. I’ll be dead in a few days. You can have my job at the pit.

Cesar to Jamal and Ruby - That bad?

Jamal to Cesar and Ruby - Either I go tomorrow and get killed, or I tell my dad and get killed. Which is a better way to die?

Ruby to Jamal and Cesar - 67% of people with CTE go crazy first. You won’t mind dying that way.

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - Ha ha. Skull and crossbones emoji.

Jamal to Ruby and Cesar - Slow night, probably going to be some burnt ends at close if you want.

“Yoohoo? Cesar?” Tia stuck her head in the front door. It was then that he realized how dark it had gotten outside.

“I’m in my room,” he called. As he heard her shuffling down the front hall he pushed to his feet and tucked the kitchen chair he had commandeered under the rickety desk he’d improvised out of cinder blocks and old boards that were leaning against the back of the garage. She appeared in his doorway before he could gather up the rest of the stuff she’d sent him over with.

“There you are. I got worried when you didn’t come to eat.”

As if on cue his stomach rumbled. “Sorry, I wanted it to be nice for Oscar. You know, help him make a fresh start and all that.” He quickly threw items into the cardboard box.

“Oh you leave that. If I know young men, and your tia does know young men, you won’t use that stuff at all. But I hate to think of you not having it when you need it.” She clucked at him. Now come on. I am legally required to feed you, tu sabes?” Her wrinkled eyelids looked redder than normal, her smile a little too forced.

“Is Oscar there? Is he hungry to have good food from home again?”

She shook her head as she led him toward the front door, not looking back. But her stiff shoulders belied her response. “Oh, no no mi pollito. Your hermano is an important man and many people need to see him today. He’ll be by in a few days, probably.” Cesar looked back toward the room he’d carved out for himself. So it wasn’t all going to begin tonight? He wasn’t sure whether to cheer or sulk.

“…Why would you leave us? Why would you leave us here?
How could you leave us here?
How could you leave us? Why would you leave us?
Oh, hey

I got this picture in my room and it kills me
But I don't need a picture of my mom, I need the real thing
Now a relationship is something we will never have
Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?”

-How Could You Leave Us, NF

Chapter Text

Cosas de la Vida, Cartel de los Santo

‘….Y porqué estuve encerrado
El estado dijo homicidio calificado
Vamos, nunca he dicho que soy un ángel
Yo soy perro guardián de mi barrio y de mi chante

De mi gente y de mi clika y de todo el que me apoya
El Ulises era compa y también buena persona
Recuerdo aquella tarde que llegaste a visitarme nomas para avisarme
Que el traidor de Miguel Chávez estaba planeado matarme

Que me pusiera al tiro porque el vato carga cuete
De lo único que hablaba era de que me iba a dar muerte
Te agradecí el informe y me despedí de ti
Te dije cae de rato para echarnos una weed
Porque ahorita 'toy jalando arreglándome unos beats
Me dijiste ya se hizo, de rato te wacho aquí

Como son las cosas de la vida
Te llevo presente mi memoria no te olvida
Siempre fuiste mi compi desde que llegaste al barrio
Y toda la flota sabe que nos juntábamos diari…”

The middle of summer passed in a blur. First it was sorting out the furniture and moving items over from his tio’s house. Then it was getting the car out and making sure it still ran. Oscar would shake him awake around nine every day, laughing in his face when the evidence of his nightime thoughts was hard to hide.

“We gotta get you a girlfriend to take care of that mano.” His brother banged on the top of the dresser to wake him up.

“I don’t need a girlfriend.” He rubbed sleep from his eyes. “I’m frickin 14. It’s perfectly normal.”

“You might not need a girlfriend but when you want one, I can set that up.” He had no doubt. Oscar had a different girl over every night since he moved in.

“I’m good, really. Gotta meet up with Ruby and Jamal to go down to school today, get registered.”

Oscar arched a brow. “I’m not going to make you go.”

“Well I have to go. I’m 14, it’s perfectly normal.” That had set his brother off with guffaws that echoed through the house. It seemed like the quick fuse that had sent Spooky to prison had turned into an over-all volatility that had Cesar constantly walking on eggshells. He’d taken to hanging out with Jamal and Ruby even more than before just to counterbalance the tension that built up when he was around Oscar.

“Need you home ‘round three. We got work to do today. Your little nerd friends can come too if they want to.”

“Uh, OK.” He hated it that Oscar just demanded he be somewhere at a particular time. The job inevitably was something stupid like washing his tires or collecting messages for the next guy who was getting a prison visit, but Oscar treated it like it was the most important thing in the world.

“And tonight, stick around. A bunch of guys you haven’t met are coming over. Got to show them why we’re the leadership, you know?” He had no idea what Oscar meant by that but if the last few weeks were anything to go by, a hoard of young men would crowd around the yard, playing dominoes and cards, there would be plenty of blunt and alcohol, and then a few minutes before 11, just shy of the time the cops might get called for the noise, they would disperse for various jobs.

Several hours later he was in a pushup contest with a guy name HoldUp while a bunch of guys that hadn’t been around in years cheered them on. Oscar had already declared some girl named DeeDee as the prize in the same breath that he declared Cesar his champion. His protests had been met with a glare so now he was up to 145 and puffing with the effort, wishing he hadn’t had the two beers that gurgled in his stomach with the exertion. Holdup apparently had plenty of stamina though because he yelled out, “You ready to give up now fool? Yo Oscar, DeeDee should be mine because she already knows I-can-go-all-night-long!” He punched his words out in time to his motions. Cesar tried not to let that, along with the gigantic Santos cross tattooed on the guy’s chest, intimidate him. But Jesus Christ why did Oscar have to make enemies for him?

DeeDee giggled, her heavily made up eyes flashing. “Something tells me that what the kid lacks in staying power might be compensated for in recovery time.” She licked her teeth as she smiled at Cesar.

Cesar grit his teeth. Sure he wanted to win because he didn’t want Oscar to think he couldn’t hack it, but DeeDee was no Monse and he had no desire to find out if she really wanted to go all night. Sure, she had nicely rounded hips and huge tits, but she also had buck teeth and was always sniffing as if her nose was running. And she was part of the group that Jasmine’s older sister hung with. Those girls made no bones about the fact that they were down with the life. Heck half of them were either daughters or girlfriends of Santos already.

“Yeah, I’ll treat the winner real well.” She winked at him but her eyes slid to HoldUp and paused there. He’d just do enough to not make a fool of-

“That’s it. Bitch you ain’t worth more.” Holdup collapsed onto the gravel of the front yard.

Fuck. Cesar jumped to his feet. “It’s a draw.” He rubbed his chest as if he was sore. “Maybe I better start working out.”

“What’d I tell you? Kid used to play football fools.” Oscar held out his hand as guys dutifully shuffled to where he held court on the porch to shove a few dollars into the pile. He nodded to Cesar. “Don’t worry about me going to easy on you either. If anything, you got it rough. Heck, I remember when I was in your shoes.”

“Man you were such a little shit!” Hector shoved Spooky’s shoulder. “Your father thought you would never shape up.”

“But I did, didn’t I?” Spooky nodded toward Sad Eyes, who had a seat on the flowered bench seat that doubled as a couch. The younger man immediately yielded his seat to Cesar, who took it, albeit reluctantly, while HoldUp ripped the top off a beer and glared his way. “And so will Cesar. Better get used to rewards mano. ‘Cause with your looks and brains, you gonna have the cholas fighting over you real soon.” Spooky grinned as if that was something to be proud of.

Cesar pasted on a smile. “No need to rush, I’m still developing.” And he’d like to continue developing, without HoldUp deciding he needed a beatdown to remind him that he was just a wannabe anyway.

DeeDee sidled up beside him, putting one hand above his knee and curling the other around his neck. A cloud of cigarette smoke and rose scented perfume engulfed him as she leaned in to whisper in his ear. “You’re pretty cute baby brother. Whenever you’re ready, you let me know.” She glanced over her shoulder to make sure HoldUp was watching.

He felt his brows hit the hair that fell over his forehead in surprise. “Oh, uh, it’s nice that you’re offering and all but I’m all set.” The other guys were staring at him intently. HoldUp flung the cap to a second beer into the shrubbery and took a long glug. Oscar scowled but didn’t say anything. “It’s just that-”

DeeDee’s nails scratched his neck as she pulled his head toward her. Her lips were on him before he had a chance to react. She tasted like cigarettes and mint gum. It wasn’t all together terrible so he let her turn her head and deepen the kiss. She clearly had done plenty of kissing before because she sucked at his lips with a variety of techniques he hadn’t ever imagined. He was surprised how easy it was to let her her do her thing as a chorus of catcalls and comments sounded around them. But, then again, it was easy because he felt detached from the whole thing as if it was an experiment and he was taking notes.

She was leaning so far across his body that he thought she might fall off the bench so he found one hip and held her firmly. That turned out to be a mistake because she took that as an invitation and suddenly she was straddling him. When he was with Monse, his need was all consuming. He lost the sensory capacity to comprehend anything beyond her. But as DeeDee pressed her body into him he was aware of everything, the hot flesh on the other side of two layers of clothes, lithe and willing, sure, but also the slightly sticky feeling of the vinyl fabric pressed into his calves, the rude comments about her from one of the guys on the porch, and the general sinking sensation is his stomach as he realized how this would look if Ruby or Jamal saw it.

“DeeDee, I really don’t-”

“Oh, it’s ok.” Her voice was low and husky as her lips grazed along his jaw. “I know enough about what to do for the both of us.” She sat back on his thighs and pouted at him. “Maybe we should go inside now?”

With her teased hair cascading around a now crooked gray bandana, her cleavage threatening to spill out of her tight tank top, and the heat of her core pressed against him he couldn’t deny his physical attraction. And there was a part of him, a part that had fantasized about something like this for years, that could rationalize going along with it. It wasn’t like he had a girlfriend to get offended, well not officially anyway. But he knew he wouldn’t be happy with himself in the morning if he allowed this to proceed. “No, DeeDee. You’re pretty amazing and all but I don’t think so.”

He gently nudged her back toward her seat beside him but she resisted, grinding down on his crotch instead. Damn, the girl really did know what she was doing. “DeeDee! You have to stop!”

“Fool, you can’t resist DeeDee!”

“A fucking monk couldn’t resist DeeDee.” HoldUp growled, hurling his beer bottle against the lemon tree, where the glass burst onto a shower of shards.

The guys were all joking about him and his cheeks were flaming. Why did his stupid pendajo of a brother have to do this to him? DeeDee’s pout turned to genuine confusion. “Trust me, it won’t hurt and you’ll like it just fine. Are you worried that you’re, you know, not up to my expectations? Don’t worry kid, I can already tell that there’s no reason for anyone to call you Lil’ anything. You’ll be giving Oscar competition with all the ladies in no time.” She gave another exaggerated roll of her hips against him while the crowd around them erupted into laughter. The only ones not laughing were himself and HoldUp.

He laughed along too because an opening, an out that wouldn’t make him look like a total ass, suddenly seemed possible. He did his best to channel Oscar and Hector, and the other guys who always seemed to be surrounded by girls. Slapping her ass lightly he bussed her cheek and then set her firmly on the seat beside him. “No, I know I can get the job done, but I’m not into an audience.”

The raucous remarks followed them as DeeDee playfully dragged him up the steps. As soon as they were in the relative privacy of his room he put his desk chair between them. “Look DeeDee, you’re nice and all, but seriously, I can’t. I don’t play in someone else’s field.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” She looked genuinely intrigued.

“HoldUp. He likes you. I was going to drop out, let him win, but he gave up so easily. He must be really disappointed that you don’t share his interest.”

She bit her full red lip. “HoldUp? Oh no honey, we’re not together anymore. He got that job in the port, got a car, got a life, and then decided he ought to try out an upgraded girl too.”

It really burned him when girls talked like they weren’t good enough for a guy. Yeah, HoldUp seemed like a decent enough dude. But why did that make him too good for her? And how did that make him ok? “I think you’re selling yourself short.”

She frowned for a minute. Then she scowled. “This is turning into some kind of Lifetime movie talk where you tell me I’m too good to be making a slut of myself and I should try to find God and miraculously turn into a good citizen.” She pulled the straps of her little tank up and readjusted her breasts within in an unconscious movement. “That’s kind of an asshole move kid.”

Someone rapped on the window. “Hey fool, we should be hearing her scream by now.”

“Fuck off Bash!” She yelled back, rolling her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest. “What’s a girl got to do to get a good fuck around here anyways.” She sneered at Cesar.

“Look, I’m sorry. You are hot, and I’d like to go for it. But I’m just not going to.” He shrugged, hoping she would give it up.

Heavy footsteps sounded in the hall. “Jesus kid, what do you need lessons?.” Great, now Oscar was sticking his nose into it.

DeeDee sighed and threw up her hands as she spun away from the door and back into the hall. “Kid’s too nervous and now I’m in heat. Who’s gonna cheer me up?” She shouted to the group.

He slumped onto his chair, defeat making his arms heavy. DeeDee was nice. She sometimes babysat for Ruby’s little brother and sister for crying out loud. And now he could hear the guys ranking on him for not following through. Just what he needed. Oscar already thought he was a loser. He grabbed his head phones and loaded up some tunes. Maybe he was better off just owning the loser label and staying out of it all together.

Except after a few minutes there was a knock on the door followed by the crack of a can of beer. “Here.” He glanced between Oscar’s out stretched hand and his face, wariness causing him to hesitate and yank his earbuds out.

“You gonna reject everything I try to do for you?” His brother’s jaw hardened as he waited for a reply.

Cesar took the beer. “Uh, thanks? What’s this for?”

“I hear you might be in need of some liquid courage, eh?”

“You heard wrong.” He took a large sip anyways. Although the dry wind of the day had settled with the sunset the ice cold refreshment was still very welcome. He bet there were going to be thunderstorms by morning but at the rate he was going, he would be passed out long before then. “Thanks anyway.”

“Why aren’t you in here gettin’ it in with DeeDee?” Oscar stepped out of the hall to let someone pass. Cesar sighed and tipped back his chair so it didn’t feel like his brother was practically on top of him.

“I don’t need you to find me a girl for a pity fuck.” Anger began to simmer low in his belly. He shouldn’t have to defend himself, least of all to his brother. It was none of his business.

Oscar burst out laughing. “There’s nothing to be scared of mano. Especially with DeeDee, she’s all sugar, no spice.”

“I’m not afraid. I’m not some ten year old kid who thinks he has to do what everyone tells him to all the time either. When I said I didn’t want to I meant I didn’t want to.” He hated that his voice rose at the end but he’d spent two weeks trying to tamp down the ugly feelings that had begun crawling to the surface the moment he found out that Oscar couldn’t even bother to spend his first night home from prison having a decent meal with his family. And those feelings were threatening to ruin the delicate balance he’d been able to strike between Oscar’s plans for him and his own.

Oscar glanced over his shoulder and then whispered, “I worry about you. When I was your age, I was all about carving my own piece of the ass pile. Some of the guys have wondered why they never see you with the girls. It makes no sense given that you inherited the Diaz looks. You’re not going to go Bananas on me, are you?”

The laughter bubbled up through him, evaporating his anger. “No! Seriously? You thought I might be gay? I like girls just as much as the next guy but I’m not looking for random hookups, least of all with girls who can’t be trusted not to use it for leverage over me later on.”

Oscar sighed. “Trust me, you want to do this as a random hookup. A guy’s first time is never a good deal for the girl. But DeeDee knew the score and she was still down. She wants to rub it in HoldUp’s face that she’s moving on.”

“I feel so used.” Cesar joked. “But seriously, DeeDee isn’t my type.”

“Ok, well there’s like twenty other girls out there right now. Just go pick someone else then. You like more meat on a girl? I think I saw Berto’s cousin in the kitchen.” Oscar jerked his thumb toward the back wall of the house. “Trust me, once you try it, you’ll be hooked for life.”

“No! Oscar, you’re not getting it. I don’t need any help in that department. I’ve already passed that milestone.”

A huge grin broke out on Oscar’s face. “Oh yeah? I guess you are a Diaz after all.”

Cesar shook his head, baffled why that would make his brother so happy. He was about to ask him why it even mattered when a chime interrupted them. Oscar pulled his phone out of his back pocket and frowned at the screen.

“Dammit Gotta take this.” He was out in the hallway shouting for Bash before Cesar ever had the chance.

“La raya no la cruces
El que rompa la palabra se va a morir
Si te va a poner bajo el agua te vamos a hundir
No te la busques aquí to' el mundo mete mano
(Estamo en baja o nos matamos)

Dicen que la vida es una y en segundo te la paramos
El príncipe y el narco, los terrores se juntaron
Pues dime a ve manin, cuidado como te desplace
Que al que no lo ponchamo, le movemos la base

Soy leal, me escuchan y ya saben quien soy
Por ser de dónde yo soy, muchos ya saben lo que doy
Esta película es simple sin decir mocote
Te apagamos las luces del sur hasta el norte….”

-No La Cruces, Cosculluela

Chapter Text

Runner, Kevin Abstract

“….When you wanna let go, when you wanna let go
When you wanna move on, move on, ooh
Why you gotta let go? Why you gotta let go?
Why you gotta move on? Move on, ooh ….”

It seemed to Cesar that ever since the night his brother tried to foist DeeDee on him that he’d been more included in the conversations whenever the Santos were over. Oscar had stopped asking him to go for a walk when Dash showed up every morning with two or three girls to work at portioning up supply. And when he was pissed about someone ditching his stash and running from the Prophets and called Bash to sort it out, Cesar was sitting right next to him.

“You gots go remind Shrimpy that loyalty is everything to a Santos.” Oscar sighed into the phone. Cesar winced. Shrimpy was a couple years older than Cesar and certainly no match for Bash. And when the guy slunk into the kitchen later that afternoon toting a crumpled up paper bag full of small bills, he was sporting a gash on his cheek to prove it.

“You Manito, is the girl who beat DeeDee to the prize here?” Oscar tossed a beer to Cesar the moment he emerged on the porch a while later.

“Nope.” He didn’t need to look over the small groups of guys and girls milling about the darkened yard to know. Instead he took another large guzzle, intent on getting to the pleasantly buzzed part of the evening as fast as he could. It was easier to fit in that way. The jokes were certainly funnier.

“Now that little brother’s become a man,” Bash grinned as he nodded toward an upturned milk crate. “When you gonna give him some real duties? With his brains, he’ll certainly be better in a tight spot than Shrimpy.”

Cesar eyed his brother as he took the seat his cousin offered him. He had been dreading this moment for the last few weeks. But all his life he’d known it was going to come sooner or later and the axe had been hanging a little lower every day.

Spooky squinted his way. “I don’t know. I’m letting it sink in, see how it sits on him.” Cesar hid his grimace behind his beer as a roar of laughter went up around them.

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

Ruby to Jamal and Cesar - Where are you dude? Someone canceled a catering order last minute so we got hella lucky on the snacks tonight.

Cesar to Ruby and Jamal - Sorry, duty calls, at least for a little while.

Ruby to Cesar and Jamal - You need us to come rescue?

Cesar to Jamal and Ruby - No, I’m good. I’ll be over soon.

He swiped the message off the screen. And then, for the first time in weeks, hit the bubble for Monse. He wanted to tell her about everything going on. Ruby and Jamal helped him deal, but they didn’t get it the way she did. He started to type.

Cesar to Monse - You’ll never believe everything that has happened this summer.

Except she would believe it. And he hoped she would help him laugh about it. What if she got jealous, or worse, thought he’d mess around with another girl given the chance and decided he wasn’t worth her time? Or, he began to feel tension winding up his shoulders, what if she decided that gave her license to sleep around too. Ugh, the idea of another guy getting close to Monse had him clenching a fist. He deleted the words.

“Who you texting?” DeeDee had been friendly for the last few weeks and he’d realized she was pretty nice, even if she really should get over it and give HoldUp another chance. “Whoever it is, you look kinda angry.”

“Just Monse.” He swiped his screen to clear it before she could see.

“That the girl?” She lowered her voice to a husky whisper. “The one that had you turning me down?”

“Monse is just a friend.”

“Liar. You’re a good one, but I can always spot one.” She spun her head toward where three guys were bent over a phone watching a video. “Ain’t that right HoldUp? I can always spot a liar.”

Holdup looked up, eyes squinting at Cesar in the relative darkness. “Yeah, everyone knows you can’t lie to DeeDee. Bitch be like a bloodhound when she scents a lie.” DeeDee turned a smug smile on Cesar as HoldUp continued. “Why, Lil’ Spooky a liar?”

“Naw, he’s just shy. Ain’t that right kid?”

Confused as to why they all should care he just nodded along. “Yeah, that’s it.”

His phone buzzed in his hand, startling him.

Monse to Cesar - Getting home the night before orientation but I got to see the doctor and the dentist before Dad has to hit the road again. Wanna come by my window after we’re done at school?

He grinned. Hell yes. Had she been thinking about him at that exact moment too? He was beginning to type out his elation at the invitation when his phone was snatched from his hand. “Hey yo! Some little girl just sent Cesar a booty call!” DeeDee hopped up from the couch, holding the phone over her head like a prize trophy. “Making plans to get down a couple nights from now. Well that explains why none of the bitches I roll with can get your time of day guapo.”

He jumped to his feet too. Indignation giving him instant energy. “It’s not like that!” Monse was the very opposite of a booty call.

“Ese! What you do to get DeeDee’s feathers in such a ruffle?” Oscar stepped off the porch.

“Nothing!” Cesar protested looking between his brother and DeeDee. Oscar didn’t get it when he tried to resist gently. Maybe he needed to come down to his brother’s misogynistic level. “She’s just being a bitch who won’t take no for an answer.”

“Give me that.” Oscar yanked the phone from DeeDee’s hand. He glanced down at it quickly as if he was just going to shut it off and then did a double take. “This your hyna Cesar?”

What could he say? If he denied it, he would look weak and childish. And he hated that Oscar treated him like a kid half the time. It was like he hadn’t yet realized how much Cesar had changed while he was locked away. But at the same time, Monse belonged to no one. Still..”Yeah, that’s her.”

“How come we haven’t seen her around then?”

“She’s away for the summer.”

Oscar frowned at the picture. “That’s Montrelle’s girl, ain’t she? She gonna be trouble?”

The biggest lie he’d ever told rolled off his tongue like it was nothing. “No, she’s down.”

Oscar didn’t buy it as easily as Hector had. “You sure ese? Girls can go crazy once they start getting ideas. Maybe she and I ought to have a little talk, make sure we’re on the same page.” Oscar looked down at her picture, running one thumb over his lower lip in contemplation.

No, no, no, no, no! He’d seen how Oscar made sure the girls that hung around stayed in line and there was no way in hell he was letting that happen. “She’s lived here her whole life. She’s no threat to you.”

Oscar scowled down at Monse’s picture. “Girls can be trouble. Especially that one. What’s Monty gonna do when he finds out you messing around with his little precious princessa?”

“It’s on the down low. No one knows.”

DeeDee giggled nervously. “Things on the D.L. still have a way of getting around anyway. Ain’t that right HoldUp?” She diverted her gaze his way momentarily.

HoldUp refused to meet her side eyes but he did nod his head with a sigh. “She’s right kid. Your bizness is everyone’s bizness.” HoldUp’s bitter tone was accentuated when he turned his back to DeeDee and tipped up his beer to drain it in one slug.

Nonplussed DeeDee turned away with a flounce. “Aw Oscar, they’re just kids. Let me talk to her, hermana y hermana, make sure she knows little brother comes with mucha carga. You something for sure Cesar, but she might not be ready for all that,” She raised a palm up and circled the air between them, “being involved with a Santos demands. You know what I’m sayin’?”

“Nah, I still say that chick don’t look down to me.” Oscar shoved the phone back to Cesar. “Before you go getting up in that, let me check her out, make sure.”

What the hell? Cesar was surprised his grip on his phone didn’t break it to bits. There was no way in hell he’d agree to that. “So you’re going to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with now?” He tried to keep his voice low but some of the guys heard anyway and a chorus of comments on the size of his balls sprang up around them.

Without notice Oscar shoved him backward. He struggled against his brother’s heavy forearm pinning him against the low stucco wall that separated the porch from the front lawn. “What the fuck Oscar-”

“You listen to me and you listen good mano. If I tell you to sit on a street corner you sit on a corner. If I tell you to get in the car, you get in the car. And if I tell you you’re not fucking some goody two shoes bitch who’s gonna end up blabbing my business every where then you sure as hell are going to keep it in your pants.” Oscar hissed into his face, every trace of the companionable man who brought him a beers and tried to give advice completely replaced by a domineering tyrant.

The last two weeks had been one shitty reminder after another of how much his life sucked and all his repressed rage and frustration bubbled through his beer fog in one uncontrollable outburst. His sore arms protested but he used one leg to shove against Oscar and finally broke free. “No! You don’t get to leave me here for four years and then march back home like I’m still some stupid kid begging for your attention anymore. If the consequences of my life impact you, then suck it up Oscar, ‘cause I have been dealing with the consequences of your decisions for years.” It felt good to say the words but as silence stretched out between them the reality that his brother was perfectly capable of physically harming him sank back in.

Oscar’s shoulders heaved, his fists were clenched. “You seem to think you’ve grown up hermanito, but all I see is a little boy who can’t deal with his shit.”

Cesar matched Oscar’s low voice as he became conscious of the way conversation had stopped around him. “I been dealing with my shit all by myself for years.”

But Oscar simply tipped his head back and laughed, a forceful bellow that confused Cesar even more. None of this felt funny to him. He almost flinched when Oscar reached out to sling an arm over his shoulders. “Ok Hermano, ok, we good. You want to make your own decisions, you go for it. I’m just trying to save you from harming yourself.”

“Fine, I will, and you just stay away from Monse”

“Pretty soon you’re going to learn that everything around here is mine, whether you like it or not. That street out there is mine. Ever corner between here and 17th is mine. Gordo and his girls at pimp lane are mine too. And if I want your little Monse’s sweet cherry for myself, well then that’s going to be mine too.”

He shrugged out of his brother’s arm. “Sorry, that’s one thing you can’t have.” He knew he should keep his mouth shut even as he said it. But he wanted something, anything to throw in his brother’s face. If he had to stoop to his level to get any respect, maybe that was what it took. “She already let me hit it before she went to camp.”

“Oh yeah?” Oscar snorted. “I doubt that.”

“Doubt it all you want but we smashed, smashed hard.”

He heard a familiar sniff and looked up. Ruby and Jamal were standing on the walkway open mouthed. Shit, they heard that? Jamal’s brow creased in confusion and he looked to Ruby without saying anything. Ruby opened his mouth then closed it, staring at Cesar like he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Around him guys were jeering and whistling, but Cesar heard Ruby’s and Jamal’s silence a hundred times more clearly.

Oscar took notice too. “You guys looking for Cesar?”

Finally Ruby spoke. “Naw man, we just passing by. Then he turned and muttered to Jamal, “We’re done here.” Cesar’s shoulders sank as they walked away, heads bent together, Jamal waving his arms as he argued something and Ruby scowling as darkly as Oscar had only a few minutes ago. When they passed out of the streetlight at the curb he sighed, becoming aware of the way everyone was staring at him and Oscar in the center of the yard.

“Yo, your little friends be weird.” Oscar nudged Cesar, who was still trying to figure out what to say. At least his brother didn’t seem as pissed anymore.

Spooky kicked an old bucket up to the circle in the front yard. “You wanna prove you’re a man now? Sit down Lil’ Spooky and get to work. You been around all summer. If you want a few guys to do a job well, who do you pick?” Oscar eyed him with a speculative gleam. Whatever this was, he was enjoying it.

Cesar took a milk crate next to his brother, just far enough out of reach that he wouldn’t be an easy target for a swift backhand if he said something stupid. “Well Bash obviously, and probably Puff. How many guys?”

“Let’s say… say this is a tough job, so six ought to do it, including you of course.”

“If it’s a tough job, you might want someone else.”

“Nope.” The word hung in the air between them. “You and five, who do you pick hermanito?” Oscar leaned forward on his elbows. His intense stare making Cesar squirm in his seat.

He knew what his brother was asking. Who a wannabe picked for their jumping in could influence their status for years. Still he tried to avoid answering. “Well like what skills are needed? Cause if it’s like a drop or something, that would be different guys than a B&E sitch and-”

“Enforcers. I want five enforcers.”

He met his brother’s stare. It was the do or die moment. Wimp out and be someone to shit on for years or suck it up and go whole hog. He pulled himself up as tall as possible, looking around to see thst he had the attention of everyone present. He hoped the spiral of panic in his gut wasn’t reflected in his voice. “Oh, well then it’s easy.” Cesar ticked the names off his fingers as he spoke. “Bash, Puff, Holdup, Droopy, and Sad Eyes.”

Spooky pursed his lips and nodded slowly. “Respectable choices. Smart guys who don’t take no crap, make no fuss. Alright, you want to make your own decisions, you tell me when you want to pull the trigger and it’ll happen.” The unexpected reprieve caught him by surprise. Was this a test? What if he put it off indefinitely.

“Yeah, yeah ok. You’ll be the first to know.” Cesar looked toward the direction Ruby’s house, just a few hundred yards away, as he accepted a blunt from HoldUp. He’d never felt farther away in his life.

“….Chains on shining, you can see me riding
Cocaine lined up, secrets that I'm hidin'
You don't wanna find out, better off lying
You don't wanna cry now, better off dying
Chains on shining, you can see me riding
Cocaine lined up, secrets that I'm hiding
You don't wanna find out, better off lying
You don't wanna cry now, better off dyin'

Baby, I'ma dive in, I don't put the time in
Even if I try hard, I ain't gonna make it
We ain't gonna make it
We ain't gonna make it
Baby, I'm dive in, I don't put the time in
Even if I try hard, I ain't gonna make it
We ain't gonna make it
We ain't gonna make it

I ain't gonna make it
But, I love it when you fake, yeah
Got her little heart in my hand
And I don't wanna break it
I ain't gonna make it
But, I love it when you fake, yeah
Got her little heart in my hand
And I don't wanna break it

Chains on shining, you can see me riding
Cocaine lined up, secrets that I'm hidin'
You don't wanna find out, better off lying
You don't wanna cry now, better off dying
Chains on shining, you can see me riding
Cocaine lined up, secrets that I'm hidin'
You don't wanna find out, better off lying
You don't wanna cry now, better off dyin'

Baby, I'ma dive in, I don't put the time in
Even if I try hard, I ain't gonna make it
We ain't gonna make it
We ain't gonna make it
I ain't gonna make it
But, I love it when you fake, yeah
Got her little heart in my hand
And I don't wanna break it….”

-Better Off Dying, Lil Peep

Chapter Text

Blame it on Me, Post Malone

“I used to say I was free
Now all these people wanna keep on taking pieces of me
They take away everything, had everything that I needed
They held me down, let me drown
They spit me out right through the teeth
I can't pretend, ash in the wind, won't blow again
It was a breeze for you
These hurricanes inside of my brain, let it rain, made it look easy Can't look away, you love the pain, you love the pain

Watchin' me bleed
You cut me down on my knees
No matter what you believe
I think we both can agree

That you can't blame it on me, yeah
It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault
Blame it on me
It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault
I couldn't breathe
Almost lost myself, couldn't stop myself, I did it all
You can't blame it on me
It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault…”

Cesar stepped out of the bodega on 14th street with his breakfast, a sad microwavable excuse of a burrito in hand. He swore he could feel the heat of the pavement through the worn soles of his hand-me-down Chucks even though it was only ten in the morning. Sighing, he pointed himself in the direction of home. They needed groceries but when he’d dragged himself from bed this morning Oscar and the car were gone already and he’d seen Jamal and Ruby through the window of the convenience store closest to their houses. School orientation started tomorrow and he still needed to get paper and pens and shit together so he’d kept walking.

“Yo Lil Spooky! What you doin’ up so early ese?” He squinted against the sun and saw that HoldUp was across the street from him, leaning with one knee bent against the metal fence that separated a nicely manicured lawn from the sidewalk. A plain backpack rested by his feet.

He crossed to join him, taking in the wide leg pants and gray tank the other man wore. “Just getting something to keep me going.” He met HoldUp’s outstretched fist with his own. “What are you doing here? I thought you had a job down at the port now?”

HoldUp shrugged. “Naw, I quit.”

“Really?” He was stunned. DeeDee had said the job had benefits and everything, that HoldUp would be getting his own place soon. “I thought it was a good deal?”

HoldUp ran one hand over his freshly shaved head. “The steady pay was nice but the actual job sucked. It was only good if you liked being cooped up in some frozen warehouse all day long.”

Cesar eyed plain black backpack on the cracked pavement. “So you’d rather risk getting picked up for possession with intent to distribute than be inside?”

HoldUp shook his head. “Naw, that’s just weed. And if the cops come round, you know that ain’t mine. I’m just catching the bus.” He grinned, the tanned corners of his eyes crinkling. “The pay is almost as good and I don’t get shit on by my boss for something out of my control like the bus runnin’ a few minutes behind.”

As if on cue a grimy city bus pulled up to the corner across from them. Two college age guys in khakis and polo shirts got off, their tasseled leather boat shoes and fancy watches looking out of place against the broken concrete at the curb. One immediately zeroed in on HoldUp and crossed the street. “Hey man! Haven’t seen you all summer.” He smiled and shook hands with HoldUp, leaning in to pound the older man’s shoulder. The second guy hung behind, bright blue eyes darting furtively around the neighborhood as if a cop was going to jump out of a trash can or something.

“Josh let me introduce you to my associate, Lil Spooky.”

Unprepared, Cesar wiped his greasy hand on his pants before shaking with the preppy kid. “Hi.” The kid introduced as Josh shook hands firmly.

“Oh yeah, this is Ryan.” The kid jerked a thumb over his shoulder at his friend. “He’s my little brother, gonna be taking over my buys since I‘m graduating in December..”

“Congrats man! What up Ryan?” HoldUp met the new kid’s timid fist with a gentle bump. Cesar bit back a smile at the way the kid eyed HoldUp’s tattoos as if they might jump from one man’s skin to another’s.”

“Uh hi.” Ryan stepped back out of arm’s reach as soon as possible. “So I call you next time?”

Cesar held back a snort. How did a kid get to college and not know how it worked? Cesar explained. “There’s a number in the bag. Text when you want to buy again and we’ll send the pickup time.”

HoldUp nodded his agreement. “Yeah, if you can’t get us, come down and buy some papers from Marco in the store there. He knows where to find us.”

“How far in advance?” Ryan bit his lip nervously as HoldUp slid the pack to his shoulder. Cesar knew it probably held exactly one gram less than the amount an individual was legally allowed to carry.

“You wanna throw a party or something, call a few days ahead. Out here, we’re pretty good. But transport to your campus can get tricky.” HoldUp nodded toward Josh. “Josh knows. We’ve been supplying your crew for years.”

“I still don’t get why we don’t go to the disp-”

Josh rolled his eyes at Ryan. “Dude, I told you not to bring that up.”

HoldUp’s smile stretched into a strained grimace as he replied carefully. “It’s all good. It’s all good. No hard feelings if you do ese. But of course this is primo stuff. Fresh in from Mexico earlier this week. That stuff in the dispensaries is fine, but who knows how long it’s been sitting around awaiting testing and shit.”

“You know I’m loyal. We do have a party coming up. I’ll give you a call.” Josh patted the pack. “Like I said before, it’s good doing business with you man.” They all shook again and then he herded Ryan toward the store.

HoldUp turned down 14th street. “You walking home?”

Cesar crumpled up the remains of his burrito. “Yeah sure. So what’s their story? They were pretty out of place here.”

“Frat boys? Yeah, they don’t belong here. But I been making a good profit off them fools since I was your age. With the school year starting this is a good time to be back in business.”

“But why make them come all the way down here?”

HoldUp busted out a loud laugh. “You young guys all alike. Read the paper ese. California might be changing but campus is still a no hold zone. I might not want that stupid ass nine to five shit but I sure as hell don’t want to land my ass in the lockup! Do you know how pissed DeeDee would be?” He frowned at the street. “She’s got expectations now.”

Cesar hadn’t heard that news. “You’re back with DeeDee? How?”

HoldUp shrugged. “She listened enough to find out she was angry over nothin’.”

Cesar thought about Monse and how angry she was going to be with him once Ruby and Jamal told her what they had heard. He was pretty sure that she wasn’t going to think it was nothing. It crushed him every time he saw Ruby and Jamal in the neighborhood and they ignored him, but he would never lie to them, even if it would make things easier. He might not always be an upstanding citizen, but lying was a line he wouldn’t cross. “She was really pissed at you. Did she make you grovel or something?”

HoldUp stood a little taller. Indignation coloring his voice as he replied. “A Santos never grovels, least of all to a hyna.”

“But something must have changed?”

“Yeah, I owe you for that you know.”

Cesar couldn’t think of anything he had done to change DeeDee’s anger with HoldUp. “Me?”

“Yeah, after she saw how mad I was ‘bout her flirting with you she finally listened to what I had to say. Told her how I was only getting a ride with a chick from 12th street so I could keep the job and make enough for us to get our own place. And two other guys were carpooling too so it wasn’t like I was setting the bitch up on the side. Once she understood why I was doin’ it then it was no biggie.” They crossed the street into a small apartment block.

When Cesar saw Oscar’s car parked out front he was curious but he didn’t ask. “I gotta go over and see my tia.” He made an excuse to part ways with HoldUp. Hopefully last year’s school supplies were still on the shelf in her second bedroom. “I’m glad it’s worked out.”

“You’re not coming up to the office?” HoldUp jerked a thumb toward where an antique low rider pickup, the back loaded with buckets of potting soil and manure was backed into the space next to Oscar’s. “Looks like we got a new shipment come in.”

Confused again Cesar shook his head. The less he know about how Oscar ran things, the better as far as he was concerned. “Naw, it’s my last few days of freedom. Gonna live it up while I can.”

“Awww yeah, I remember now. You got that booty call on your calendar.” HoldUp made kissing noises as he spun into the parking lot and strolled toward the stairs that led to the second floor apartments.

A few minutes later Cesar knocked lightly on tia Carla’s back door. “It’s just me.” Dash was never out of the house before noon and he’d once seen him pull a gun on a dog that startled him in the garage so he wasn’t taking any chances.

The pat of slippers on her faded linoleum floor gave away her progress from the living room back to the kitchen. “Cesar?” He opened the screen door and stuck his head in. “Well come in and shut that door behind you before you let the A/C out.” Tia stopped at the doorway into the hall and drew on the cigarette balanced between her ring and middle fingers. “What you want here?”

“Can’t I just come to see you?” He smiled at her tired face. She was only 35 but somehow she suddenly looked much older.

“Well, if you’re just here to visit, come out to the sala. My show is on.”

It had been a few weeks since he was last over but nothing had changed. The door to his room was open and he could see the bed in the same messy state he had left it. Carla plopped down in her usual spot and tucked her legs under her. A can of Go 2 cola sat on the side table next to an empty one that she flicked her ashes into. Sections of the newspaper filled the other end of the couch. “While you’re here you can do me a favor?” She nudged a packet of papers on the coffee table with her foot. He recognized a child welfare form on the top. Over the past four years he’d filled out many for her. She spoke English pretty well but she’d never really learned to read in either English or Spanish.

He automatically began filling in the contact info block underneath the title “Foster Parent Application and Renewal” with neat printing. “What’s this for?”

“Well…” she looked away from him before replying. “Fuckers automatically processed the change of address for you when Oscar took custody and we didn’t get our check this month. Hector figures we got a good record over four years so we can get another kid quick once we get the application in.”

It hit him like a slap in the face. “So you’re giving away my room?” He tried to laugh it off like it was a joke but the air stilled in his chest. For the last four years he’d though it was only Hector who had resented his presence but suddenly all the times Carla had just let him do his own thing while she did hers had a different feel.

She didn’t even look away from the melodrama on the TV screen. “Oh don’t be getting sentimental on me now. The plan was always for you to go back to Oscar’s eventually. And we’re not taking in some random kid, just my sweet Harmony.”

“But Harmony already lives here half the time when Keisha works!” Harmony was Bash’s two year old daughter who had lived with her maternal grandmother, Keisha, ever since her mother had disappeared shortly after her birth.

Carla finally turned away from the screen, laughing at Cesar’s surprise. “Keisha already got three older grandkids who don’t wanna be babysitting no baby. She says I can have Harmony if I want her.”

Keisha had a nice apartment over by the high school where she was a gym teacher and coach. She was a nice woman who sometimes gave Cesar oreos and milk when he accompanied Bash to pick up the little girl. His cousin wasn’t a bad father either but he treated Harmony like an accessory he could store in the closet when he wasn’t feeling like dealing with the realities of being a father. The rest of the forms ended up sloppy, as if his fingers had stiffened in protest against consigning Harmony to life here.

“Do you really want another kid in here? There are so many other things you could do with my room.”

Carla snorted. “You worry too much. And besides, it will do my boy good to have his little girl around. He’s got to grow up sometime.”

He handed the form back. “You and tio both need to sign the bottom. I’m just going to look and see if I left any school stuff in the room and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

He took a stack of creased three ring notebook paper and four stubby number two’s and walked back to Oscar’s place. All through the neighborhood there were sounds of kids living it up for the last days of summer. As he approached Ruby’s house he almost crossed the street to the other side. He told himself it was stupid but his gut wanted to be alone. When he rounded the corner and saw that the twins were out in front of the open garage door furiously coloring in a large grid laid out with sidewalk chalk he breathed a sigh of relief. “Hey guys, having a chalk race?” The door connecting the garage to the kitchen was open and he could hear video game sounds inside.

Luis looked up from where he was scribbling as fast as he could with green chalk. “How’d you know?”

“Are you kidding? Ruby and I invented that game! Did he teach you?” The video game sounds stopped and for a moment Cesar wondered if Ruby would come out and talk with him. If he could just get them to listen and understand why, maybe they would forgive him the way DeeDee had finally listened and forgiven HoldUp.

Ruby’s sister threw down a pink chalk piece in favor of a yellow one and began to scribble a new section. “Really? ‘Cause Ruby says he invented the game with his best friends. He said it was better with four people but we could play it anyway.”

Yeah, it was better with four people. The fam had invented the game one day after they discovered how impossible it was to play two on two basketball with Jamal in the mix. “Did Ruby tell you that he was the best at stealing squares?” Cesar asked.

“Jeez Cesar. Do you ever think before words come out of your mouth? Teaching six year olds to cheat? Could you be any worse of a role model?” Ruby stood in the doorway, brows pulled tight and anger radiating from every pore.

It was hard not to match Ruby’s anger but Cesar caught the note of hurt in Ruby’s gaze before he let loose with his first reaction. Unlike Ruby and Monse, who enjoyed debating for debating’s sake, he didn’t have the same drive to win damn the casualties that they did. “Uh, Hey Ruby. You going to orientation tomorrow?”

“Of course, it’s required.” Ruby fiddled with the game controller in his hand rather than look him in the face.

Usually talking came easy for Cesar but now, with Ruby glaring at him like he was a fucking pedophile out to kidnap his sister, he couldn’t think of what to say to open the door for an apology or something, anything to fix this rift between them. “Are you walking with Jamal and Monse?”

Ruby lifted his head and stared right at him, openly challenging Cesar to push harder as he answered. “Probably.”

Cesar wanted so badly to just yell out that Ruby had no place being mad at him. What he had said was true, and it was the best thing that had ever happened in his life, and there was no point being angry just because she had chosen him. There were a million things he wanted to yell. But after a tense moment of staring at each other he sighed, resolving to give his friend one more chance to accept him back into the group before Monse got home. “What time?”

“Check your email. It was in the info packet they sent on June eighteenth.” The challenging stare was gone, replaced by a clenched jaw and hard eyes.

“Yeah, ok. Thanks. Maybe I’ll see you there.” His stomach turned as he pivoted toward the sidewalk. Without the crew, he was nothing. Worse than nothing, he was adrift.

When he got back to Oscar’s yard guys were already sitting on the front porch smoking and drinking. “Yo Cesar, there you are! We’ve been wondering why you weren’t here today.” Bash slid over and made room for him on the couch. “Angelica is throwing a going away party for Brains later. Now that you’re one of us, you gonna come, right?”

He glanced between the faces that had become so familiar this summer. Half the time these guys sucked but at least they were honest with themselves. “Yeah, of course.” He accepted a beer when it was tossed his way. “I could use one last blast before school starts.”

‘…Sin duda mi famila
Me viene a levantar,
Si sufro ellos lo sinten
Si peligro lo presienten,
Siempre con la neta
Nunca ellos me mienten,
En la carcel,
Los velorios,
Y hospitales,
Conoces tu familia
Los verdaderos carnales,

Coro(x2)

Q trai!!
Tanto dolor(dolor)
Q trai!!
Tanto placer(placer)
El cariño,el apoyo,la fuerza,
De tu propia familia,
Sin ella por dentro vacio
Y perdido,
Los q sufren conmigo,
Los q sangran conmigo,
Los q batallan conmigo,
Los q tienen mi espalda,
Los q se echan ala pelea,
Los q confias con tu dinero,
Los q esperas en tu entierro,
Hoy con mi ejemplo,
Enseño a mi fruto,lo protejo,
Con brazos de hierro,
Marchando y persigo
Mi destino,
Los q te levantan
Cuando cais,
Los q comparten cuando train,
Los q respetan lo q eres,
Los q son ejemplar,
Los q dan sin pensar,
Los q trabajan pa' no robar,
Los q dan sin intencion,
Los q dan sin condicion,
Despues de una tormenta violenta,
Nace un nuevo dia,
Q tu vida inspira.”

-Esa Es Familia, Kinto Sol

Chapter Text

Soy Peor remix, Bad Bunny

“….Sigue tu camino que sin ti me va mejor
Ahora tengo a otra que me lo hace mejor
Si antes yo era un hijue'puta ahora soy peor
Ahora soy peor, ahora soy peor por ti

Sigue tu camino que sin ti me va mejor
Ahora tengo a otras que me lo hacen mejor
Si antes yo era un hijue'puta ahora soy peor
Ahora soy peor, ahora soy peor por ti….”

He’d been shading his aching eyes from the sun but somehow he still saw her from about a block away. Her slim hips sashayed in that I-own-the-world way that set Monse apart from the other girls he knew and the air around him went from the lazy buzzing insects of a summer morning to electrically charged. Ruby and Jamal flanked her. As Oscar slowly rolled the car through the intersection, scanning his side for signs of Prophet incursions into their territory, Cesar watched Jamal argue something with passion, arms waving. Longing to be there hearing the story first hand coursed through him but also a little trepidation. What if Ruby and Jamal had already told Monse that he’d opened his big mouth?

“Isn’t that the girl you were studying real hard with Cesar?” Bash asked from the back seat, laughing into his hand as he did.

Oscar’s gaze snapped to the trio. “You need to get out?” Oscar asked, a sneer twisting his lips. “Pass on DeeDee’s invitation for a girl on girl convo?”

“No.” His voice was rough. He’d lost count of the beers tossed to him last night but whatever it was, it had been way over his limit and the last thing he wanted was to face Monse when his head was pounding and he was still sweating out the poison.

“Yeah, make the bitch come to you.” Bash’s chuckle turned to low whistle as they drew level and Monse’s profile came into view. “Fuck Cesar she fine. You know how to pick them.”

He didn’t remember Monse being so…lush. His eyes feasted as Oscar pulled nearly level with the three walkers. But then he caught his brother licking his lips as he too eyed her shape. Pride that she had ever thought he was worth her affection was clouded by resentment for his brother. Oscar would never understand how secondary appearance was to who Monse was. He sank into his seat, not wanting to see her subjected to his leers.

“Fucking bitch!” Suddenly the car was jerking to a stop and Oscar was yelling at her as Monse crossed to the driver’s side. “You crazy?” Behind her, Ruby and Jamal scowled at him from the sidewalk. Her jaw was clenched in that way that made her cheeks hard, her back ramrod straight. And just like that he was sure they’d told her what they had heard and she was pissed. He could see it emanating from her in waves. Cesar ducked his head further, his stomach lurching from anxiety rather than the after effects of a hard night.

She leaned down to the windowsill. “Oh yeah, let’s see what you got baby girl.” Bash whispered from the back seat. No, no, no! Cesar protested internally. These guys would chew her up, spit her out, and they would ruin the one thing, the one person outside the Santos that might still give a damn about him.

“Just wanted to let Cesar know I’m back in town.” She smiled at Oscar. He hated that she was smiling at him. Hated that she was even within ten feet of his brother. He sensed her anger in the way she refused to look at him. Behind her Ruby shook his head while Jamal tried to make eye contact.

And Oscar, he was goading Cesar. Cesar could feel the smug confidence in his voice when he started asking Monse what was different. Revulsion rippled over his skin Bash openly stared and Oscar adjusted himself on the seat next to him. It was disgusting. These guys had plenty of ass thrown their way. Monse was his and that was the only reason Oscar would even hint at any interest. It was impossible to spend weeks with a man who barely tolerated his presence, viewed him as an obligation and conscience he didn’t want, and not be attuned to the mutual resentment simmering beneath the surface.

Monse pushed back from the car and they began to glide forward. He wanted to turn around, see if she was stalking off or ranting to Ruby and Jamal, but he just sat there, the lead inside his veins an impossible inertia to break. He wanted to say something, to tell Oscar how far out of line he was, but at the same time he wondered if it was better not to react at all. His brother certainly had a reputation for being stoic, for not showing his emotions. Maybe it would be better to follow in his footsteps. The guys seemed to respect that detachment. They didn’t challenge Oscar, even though he rarely expressed much anger. His word was taken as absolute and no one dared tease him or push the limits.

“Got some new talent coming up in this neighborhood since I left. Wouldn’t you agree Cesar.”

“Yeah sure.” He stared at his shoes, not willing to let his anger and resentment for Oscar show. The last thing he needed was a repeat of their last confrontation.

“You know, I’ve been thinking that we need to replenish our ranks, get some young guys in. Dash managed things pretty well while I was gone, but he wasn’t great at recruiting.” Cesar’s stomach turned. No matter what he did would he always be a disappointment to someone?

Bash shifted forward in his seat. “I’ve been telling the old man we need more enforcers for months. Now that word is out about your return we gonna need them for sure.”

“And more runners and watchers and a few drivers.” Oscar added. “A week from now I want to see some new guys at my house. Make sure there’s plenty of beer, blunt, and ass. Nothing reels them in like wanting to fit in, letting lose, and wanting to impress the hynas.” He grabbed his pack of smokes and began tapping on the bottom to drive one out. Then he held the pack out to Cesar.

“No.” He shook his brother off.

“You bring that girl too Cesar. With her brand new little tetas, she’ll be a real star.” Oscar’s lips were pressed together around the cigarette but there was a mocking lilt to one corner that set off an angry buzz in Cesar’s brain. No, Monse was probably too good for him but she was definitely too good for Oscar.

“She doesn’t need to be there.”

Oscar began to slow the car and Cesar’s head began to throb. “Perhaps you didn’t understand Worm.” Bash leaned forward so he could be heard clearly over the street sounds in the open windows. “When Spooky says to do something, you do it.”

“Monse isn’t that kind of girl. Besides, you heard her. She’s underage.”

Oscar and Bash both started laughing as if he’d said something uproarious. “If she’s putting out for you, she’s that kind of girl. Besides, she’s no younger than you. Maybe the thing you don’t understand mano, is that you don’t get to make decisions for no woman.”

“No, they don’t like that much.” Bash agreed.

“So if you don’t extend the invitation, I will. Age just be numbers. Any girl who’s already entered the field and isn’t claimed is fair game as far as I’m concerned.”

“I don’t need to ask to know her decision. You heard her. She’s not available.”

“You saying someone has claimed her already?”

Oscar’s smug smile made his resentment burn. “Yeah, yeah me. Why the heck you think she’s stopping to tell me she’s back in town?”

Bash snorted. “You think you get to claim a girl? Primo you got privileges other fools don’t, but you gotta be all in to do that. You know how that works.”

The buzz was back in his ears. He didn’t want to be all in, lord knew he didn’t want to let Oscar rule his life. But he wouldn’t bring Monse any closer to the sordid side of his life with his brother than he had to. Shit. He had to do it. “Yeah I know.”

“You sure little brother? You sure this is a commitment you want to make?” He knew what Oscar was talking about, even without the details. This was how food got on the table, clothes on his back. In some ways it was no different than Jamal’s certainty that he would play football like his dad or Ruby’s that he would one day be an accountant like his.

“You already know my list, Bash, Puff, Holdup, Droopy, and Sad Eyes.” He pushed himself to sit upright, catching the smug smile Oscar gave Bash in the rear view mirror. “Time to make it happen.” He stared the other way out the window but he didn’t see anything as they cruised and Bash made a call. He wondered how long before Oscar realized he wasn’t cut from the same cloth. He’d tried to resist but that wasn’t him. Six weeks. He’d only managed to hold off for six weeks.

“You know what else it takes?”

“Three deeds. Yeah, I know.” One for self, one for family, one for God, he’d heard it a million times, seen it too. Jumping in was just the start. Once he showed his commitment to the Santos he would be under judgment until Oscar decided he’d proved himself. Then the real work would begin.

After driving for what felt like hours, they neared their destination, a liquor store on 19th street. Oscar shoved two crumpled up McDonald’s bags into Cesar’s hands. One had an empty coffee cup sticking out the top but he could feel the weight of a small brick of something underneath. “Drop is at that dumpster right there. Be quick.”

As soon as they pulled up to the rear parking lot he rolled out of his seat. When Bash tipped the seat forward and slipped free as well, the bottom dropped out of his stomach. “Here, you’re gonna want this.” Oscar tossed him his black hoodie. Now? He’d thought it would take at least a few days to set it up.

Oscar didn’t speak to him again until they were pulling back into the neighborhood, his ribs now aching with every speedbump and pothole. “Primo, set up Lil Spooky here with some cans. He’s got work to do tonight.

“Where?”

Spooky smiled at him like he was the proudest brother ever. “Better tag that hyna’s house before some broke ass wannabee or Prophet decides he’s gonna try to get up in a Santo’s girl, ya know.”

Well, guess he could count that one as his deed for himself.

“Everybody gets high sometimes, you know
What else can we do when we're feeling low?
So take a deep breath and let it go
You shouldn't be drowning on your own

And if you feel you're sinking,
I will jump right over into cold, cold water for you
And although time may take us into different places
I will still be patient with you
And I hope you know

I won't let go
I'll be your lifeline tonight
I won't let go
I'll be your lifeline tonight

Cause we all get lost sometimes, you know?
It's how we learn and how we grow
And I wanna lay with you 'til I'm old
You shouldn't be fighting on your own

And if you feel you're sinking,
I will jump right over into cold, cold water for you
And although time may take us into different places
I will still be patient with you
And I hope you know

I won't let go (I won't let go, no, no, no, no, no, no)
I'll be your lifeline tonight
I won't let go
I'll be your lifeline tonight

Come on, come on
Save me from my rocking boat
I just want to stay afloat
I'm all alone
And I hope, I hope
Someone's gonna take me home
Somewhere I can rest my soul
I need to know

You won't let go (I won't let go, no, no, no, no, no, no)
I'll be your lifeline tonight
You won't let go
I'll be your lifeline tonight

I won't let go
I won't let go”

-Cold Water, Major Lazer feat. Justin Bieber & MØ