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jimin had always been a tease.
that's nothing new. he'd often do things like casually walk around the dorms shirtless, or with a bathrobe unbuttoned just enough to remain suggestive without getting jumped by any staff. namjoon once stepped out of the shower to a stark naked jimin shaving at the sink (entirely stark naked, if socks didn't count).
"what the fuck," he had said incredulously, making no move to cover his eyes or lift them from where they were glued to jimin's firm, round ass.
"'morning hyung," jimin had said cheerfully, as if he couldn't take the smallest step and his dick would be on full display.
and yeah, it shouldn't have been the biggest deal. living with seven guys for as long as they have together, it's pretty unavoidable. the occasional penis will come into play from time to time.
namjoon doesn't particularly know why it was a big deal either. all he knew was that when he was finally able to peel his gaze from jimin's butt, eyes flying up to meet jimin's, they held the most terrifyingly knowing glint, and it twisted something low and dangerous in namjoon's stomach.
jimin's pretty touchy too. soft but posessive. namjoon was a constant victim of this; jimin had a keen habit of maintaining a firm grip on his thigh during the better half of their every interview. and honest to god, it wouldn't bother namjoon one bit. he's used to bearing all sorts of things, good and bad and in-between so he shouldn't mind. it's just jimin. his buddy. his bandmate. one of his closest friends for almost a full decade.
it's just that, that is exactly the problem. it's jimin.
see, the thing is, jimin is extremely alluring. to put it shortly. captivating, even. sultry. his spell is sweet like honey, luring you between the jaws of his cheeky smile, the pearly rows lined underneath, those eyes that look wondrous enough to contain entire universes. there's just something about him that no matter who you are, male, female, gay, straight; all types of people across the board are attracted to him. the jaws would snap around you before you knew what was coming at you, before the sickly sweetness had time to settle on your tongue.
and jimin is extremly, utterly aware of this effect he has on people.
(he has the same devestating effect on namjoon, too.)
but namjoon isn't the only victim to jimin's constant desire for contact and attention. jimin seems to always have his fingers trailing down jeongguk's arm while he's speaking and he's always holding onto yoongi's pinky finger and he's always leaning into seokjin when he laughs and he constantly rewards hoseok the most effectionate kisses (on the forehead, on the cheeks, the upper ones,) and namjoon is pretty sure jimin has solidly kissed taehyung before.
so namjoon tries not to feel special.
but try as he might, whenever namjoon felt the weight of jimin's hand settling on his thigh, he felt it. somewhere low in his stomach, something that made his heartbeat quicken just the slightest bit, made his words come out just a little more strained. something that awakened a roaring fire in him and simultaneously made his entire body go still, as if one movement would set off the ticking time bomb settled between his ribs, counting down the seconds until he finally crumbles under jimin's gentle, deliberate touch.
"promise me something," jimin had said lightly one late afternoon, fingers playing with a loose thread in the carpet, fingers brushing close (too close) to where namjoon's rested besides his, head turning to face him where they lay together on the floor.
namjoon knew better than to turn to face him too. he could feel jimin's warm breath on his cheek. they were too close, too close for comfort.
(he wanted to be so much closer. he ached to be so much closer.)
he hummed instead to let jimin know he was listening.
"promise me you'll take me with you, to that one place you've always talked about wanting to go. the one to the edge of the city, with the nice view of the moon?"
another hum. "how did you know i talked about that?"
"i just do," jimin sniffed. "you never talk about those kind of things around me anymore. what you love, the things you'd love to do if you could catch a minute to breathe."
namjoon was quiet. he could feel jimin's stare lingering on his profile before he shifted to face the ceiling again.
"promise me, namjoonie. if it's alright, if i won't intrude, promise me."
namjoon wanted to press him, to ask more, but why? what does it matter to you? but he felt it was unfair after the point jimin had just brought up. if he pushed it he'd have to also explain his distancing, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that yet. ready to solidify the reasons he hadn't yet come to terms with with himself, either.
jimin was jimin. of course he cares, that's just who he is. he felt something weakening between himself and a member and wants to work to make it better, the sooner the better. that's just jimin.
namjoon made sure to remind himself of that when he said, "i promise."
*
he's trained himself to keep a straight face under any type of pressure or circumstance. it's a necessary talent to possess when you're the leader of anything. a few steady breaths, and he would be back on his feet. he could pretend jimin's fingers weren't delicately scraping the inside of his thigh on live camera, he could pretend it wasn't making his head spin, wasn't driving him mad, wasn't seizing up the air from his lungs.
"favorite physical feature. what's your favorite physical feature on yourself?" an interviewer had asked once with a grin.
"my skin," namjoon replied simply.
"skin?" jimin had repeated with a grin to his voice, leaning forward to run his hand across namjoon's neck.
"oh yeah?" the interviewer added in amusment, and namjoon pulled the most pleasant smile he could muster, turning to prompt jin to continue. he hoped to every god above that the camera hadn't caught his brief short circuit, hoped to god the camera hadn't caught jimin's finger-tips lingering on his neck before pulling away. hoped to god every second, minute, hour of training would prove useful one more time.
jimin ^~^
so
my face
me
hello to u too
jimin ^~^
in the interview today
with the cute interviewer
me
you'll have to be more specific
we were booked eight times today
and you think everyone's cute
jimin ^~^
okay shut up
you said you like my face when i dance
me
did i
don't recall
jimin ^~^
HYUNG
me
WHAT!!!
jimin ^~^
you were watching me in the practice room again today
tell me. what does my face look like when i dance
me
you notice when i do that
jimin ^~^
yes hyung
you suck at unobtrusiveness
the loud bang of the practice room door opening doesn't give you away at alllllllll
me
shit
i was hoping you didn't hear that
jimin ^~^
you tried your best hyung
jimin ^~^
hey come back
don't avoid my question
me
avoid what
what question
jimin ^~^
hyung
me
jimin
jimin ^~^
tell me what my face looks like when i dance
me
i think i hear my mom calling me
i'll get back to you later
i have homework to do
jimin ^~^
hyung you haven't been to school in five years
you're not getting out of it this easily
me
i'm not trying to get out of anything
me
.......
also can you please not lock the practice room doors this time
i'm running out of bribe candy for the staff
jimin ^~^
depends
what will i gain from it
me
my indefinite love and attention
jimin ^~^
i get that already
me
...
true
jimin ^~^
exactly.
i won't lock the doors and you'll give me an answer
deal?
me
i...
i'll have to think about that one
jimin ^~^
okay cool
while you do that i'll get to collecting the keys to the practice room
me
OKAY
okay
deal
jimin ^~^
:-)
namjoon doesn't try to be discreet when he stops by the practice room again. the door swings all the way open as he slides through, making sure to catch it before it crumbled against the frame on its way back. he turns then, blinking rapidly to adjust to the LED lights.
jimin's face is both twisted and calm in consentration, tongue peeking out between his lips, jaw locked and brows relaxed intently.
namjoon sits criss-cross on the floor to the right of him. if jimin noticed him (and namjoon was too giant, too loud of a presence to not be noticed) he didn't miss a beat. he did meet namjoon's eyes in the mirror briefly, though. long and hard, he held eye contact, pausing only to to land a spin and then grabbing hold of namjoon's eyes once more. his tongue darted out at one point, and namjoon may or may not have almost creamed his pants. may or may not have. almost.
"good," namjoon said distractedly once jimin finished, handing him his water bottle, eyes averted. "you look good when you dance."
"com'on," jimin teased, uncapping the bottle, taking a hearty swig. namjoon turned away once again when he caught jimin's hem-line shifting up.
"you can do better than that. tell me i looked sexy. alluring." the water bottle clattered to the floor, and jimin swiftly stepped into namjoon's space before he had the time to jump. "tell me you wanted me to dick you down right there."
namjoons face flushed horribly, and jimin grinned 'cause he's an asshole.
leaning back, he said, "you looked sexy."
"no-o" jimin stressed with a harmless eye roll. "say it in your own words, not mine. you like my face when i dance. don't you?" his hand came up lightly, stroked under his chin. namjoon tried not to swallow too loudly. "tell me how you like it, joonie."
namjoon slowly lifted his eyes to meet jimin's, heart balking again at the art piece before him. so close before him. even with namjoon's height advantage the man was absolutely stunning and even more so intimidating, especially sweating how he was, especially with eyes as dark and hooded as his was, now.
"say it, namjoon."
"sexy," namjoon says with more intent. "sexy. you look really fucking sexy."
jimin licks his lips.
encouraged, namjoon surges on. "and your face twists up when you dance. it's calm and serene and concentrated all at once. it's a lovely mixture, i don't know how you do it. it's like watching art getting birthed into the air. your eyes get narrow and dark and your lips go down-set and-"
the burst of confidence was dropping, his eyes were dropping, from jimin's to his nose to his lips, lingering as if he could find it trapped behind them if he looked hard enough. "-and the tongue is a nice touch too."
there was a small silence. "oh," jimin said lamely, sounding a bit stunned. like he wasn't expecting a genuine answer. which was weird only because jimin is never at a loss for words.
namjoon really needs to learn when to stop talking.
"i'll uh," namjoon spoke up, already starting towards the door. "yeah. see you around then."
he was out of the room before he could hear what jimin said in return.
after the bbmas interviews, jimin's blatant tendencies tuned down a bit. now that they were back in korea and out of the general public eye for a heartbeat, there was an opportunity for the seven of them to let there guard down, just for a little. take a rest, set down the load, flex their fingers in preparation of picking it back up again in august.
and jimin had definitely set his bags down. the bags containing namjoon, anyway.
fan service. that's what it's called, and that's probably all it was. although, even since debut, when their shows consisted of a small handful of hundreds and they could pick out every individual face in the crowd, jimin was naturally touchy, all in the smallest of ways, in a hand at the small of namjoon's back as he shimmied by him in the kitchen, his body pressed a little too close to namjoon's backside, his hand lingering at namjoon's side before passing by completely.
the extremes, however, the thigh holding, the neck touching.
those only ever happened on camera.
fanservice, a mean, ugly, hateful voice echoed in namjoon's head. pity. who, with such a heart as his, could leave anyone out of his endless, ever-giving gift of love and affection?
but the practice room, another voice would interject. the practice room the practice room the practice roo
nonetheless, jimin had been twirling namjoon around and around his fingers for months. twirling and twirling until suddenly he stopped him in his tracks, leaving namjoon dizzy, spiraling. wanting more.
namjoon won't even pretend he hasn't thought of jimin. like, really, thought of jimin.
thought of jimin's body in ways he wasn't supposed to, thought of how beautiful (sexy, tantalizing, soft) he always looked. how jimin's shirt would cling to his small waist and toned stomach while dancing and would always end up absolutely gone after shows. how his body, shiny and slick after two hours of hard work would look pressed up against him, how it would feel to kiss and worship his body, thought of what kind of noises jimin could make. he thought of jimin's plush lips, watched them delicately wrap around the tip of a straw, or a water bottle, imagined looking down at jimin's plush lips wrapping around the tip of his...
well.
he hated how unfocused it left him. he hated how the smallest things (like hoseok sending him to wake jimin after it turned eight and he still hadn't shown up to the practice room. "hyuuuung," jimin had groaned in sleepy, unintentional satoori. "just five more minutes. please, hyung?" his voice had knocked a bit of air out of namjoon, and merely to give himself a second to catch his breath he granted jimin his sleep, hauling ass out of his room. "what happened?" hoseok said when namjoon returned without a trace of jimin on his tail. "nothing," namjoon had mumbled, brushing past hoseok's curious face. "he said to give him five more minutes, so i let him." a skeptical hum, and then an amused, "is that why your face looks as red as the gochijang seokjin hyung used in our dinner last night?") sent namjoon into a self-defensive mess.
months turned into weeks turned into days turned into concert season. their fanbase was up and buzzing, hyping them up both online and on stage and the atomphere amongst the seven felt even more so elated and alive. namjoon's birthday had rolled around, and he woke up to jimin having spammed the shared twitter account with pics and videos of him. playing one of them out loud, he smiled widely at jimin's infectious laugh.
"hyu-ung!" a voice sang out, namjoon's door swinging open. he immediately shut off his phone, heat rising to his face as if he were caught doing something bad. which he wasn't. he was simply zooming in on jimin's face in one of the selfies he posted of the two of them. completely harmless. he just wouldn't know how to explain why he was doing so if asked. he didn't even know why himself.
on quick feet jimin zoomed over to namjoon's bedside, coming to stand before him, excitedly rocking back and forth on his feet. an almost shy smile graced his bare face.
"morning, jiminnie," he smiled up at him. (namjoon didn't know what in him wanted to wrap his arms around jimin's waist and pull him onto the bed with him, but he kicked it down his throat and buried it deep between his ribs.)
"'morning hyung," jimin echoed. "i wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday when you woke up. i've been sitting outide your door since 5 am. hope that isn't weird. it isn't, right? i heard you on your phone though, so i let myself in."
choosing to ignore all the other, more important details, namjoon thought back on how he'd played out jimin's laugh out loud on loop for two minutes straight. he furiously hoped jimin hadn't heard that part, but unfortunately, the return of the playful glint in jimin's eyestold him all he needed to know.
gratefully though, jimin chose not to tease it further, bringing out a flower from behind his back. it was a pretty shade of purple, white petals encasing it's center.
"it's a gladiolus," jimin supplied. then sighing apologetically, "it's not real, sadly. the live ones were out of stock. but," he stepped forward, pushing a knee onto the bed, as if asking for permission to get on. granting it, namjoon shifted over a bit to give him room to sit, which jimin did, settling himself on his knees directly in front of him. "it symbolizes strength of character, faithfulness and honor. i think you have all three of those. it instantly reminded me of you."
"oh," namjoon croaked out, his brain and his heart pausing only slightly because first jimin shoves all of that information at him and now for some reason jimin was leaning forward, inching closer and closer and namjoon felt like he could almost implode. thousands of things instantly flew through his head, he got me a flower? and he did his research to find one that reminded him of me? he sat outside my door for hours waiting for me to wake up? wait shit he's getting close oh no he's getting close he's
not knowing where else to look, he fixated his eyes on jimin's hands, on the one coming up to brush his bangs out of his face, on the other gently sliding the flower stem behind his ear. losing his grip on his hands, namjoon's eyes finally settled on him. jimin was impossibly beautiful in the morning sun; the soft, filtered light accenting the soft rise of his cheekbones, his golden, sleep tussled hair, his pursed lips, tinted pink with everything beautiful in the world. he was also impossibly close; only an inch or two and namjoon could just...lean in...and...
"there," jimin said, his hands dropping back down into his lap in satisfaction. namjoon hadn't realized how intensely he was staring until jimin's eyes dropped to meet his-
"-perfect."
his breath caught. like jimin had reached right through his chest in all his late summer morning glow, grabbed a firm grip on it, holding every breath in namjoon's lungs, suspending it in air.
he didn't know how much longer he could hold it in. his lungs begged for release, his chest seizing tighter by the second. he was scared one small exhale would break the spell, break whatever was manifesting in the air between them. his face was warming, jimin's face was so close, he was too close, always too close for comfort. yet somehow namjoon was more afraid of the intensity in the air between them, and the strange look in jimin's eyes than he was of suffocating. jimin hadn't shifted back yet, and namjoon certainly didn't dare brake their gaze.
a fleeting breeze kissed the curtains hung over his window.
"happy birthday, hyung," jimin whispered.
*
he still doesn't know when it happened.
if you asked him to provide a time and date to when he just knew, he wouldn't in a million years be able to give one.
what made him really look at jimin one day? because suddenly he wasn't looking at him with the fondness of a leader looking at his bandmate. his brother. his friend.
one day namjoon just started to notice things. little things, like the way jimin's eyes crinkled and disappeared when he laughed (and boy did jimin laugh), the way jimin always seems to lean into him rather than away, how his small hands look like a delicate art piece and how his body moved, like really moved, twisting and turning like an abstract painting, like a question rather than a suggestion. how his face twists in pure concentration as his parted, full lips demands his foot to land here, his hands to soar here. how the reaches of jimin's heart seemed to find no limit, how jimin's existence in itself was art. in every form of the word.
he started to notice jimin.
and maybe it wasn't as abrupt as he thinks. maybe he was slowly filtering these things in as the months crawled along. maybe one day jimin smiled at him and a switch flicked on in his head, like oh, oh, that's pretty. no longer casually, though, although it took a while for that light bulb to flicker on.
the realization trickled in drop by drop until suddenly he was flooded by it, the way it usually happens. how you never notice the leak until one day your kitchen is dry as a the sahara and the next day it just, isn't.
it happened something like that with namjoon, too.
placing a name to it was ultimately pointless, though. all namjoon knew was that he wasn't allowed to feel this way. as the leader, as a member of a internationally rising boyband, as his duty to his members, he simply just wasn't allowed to. everything and everyone else came first. his feelings, and especially pointless ones at that, come last. that's just the way it worked.
so he tried to push it away. he tried to stomp out the small flame of jealousy and of want that arose every time jimin leaned into someone else when he laughed. he didn't have the luxury of want or desire. he didn't have the luxury of jimin's attention or love in the way he wished he could.
and he needed to learn to be okay with that. he needed to train himself to not crave jimin's presence 24/7, so maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder, but maybe this time fate would be on his side. maybe distance will take the flame out on its own. maybe distance will fix what namjoon wasn't strong enough to. just until the flood slowly drained out again and the storm has passed.
*
"joonie," jimin whispered one morning, four a.m. "namjoon hyung. i'm ready."
"you're ready?" namjoon repeated. he looked up at him through the mirror; jimin's smile was so bright, so carefully hidden in bright eyes glistening in moon dust from the dark blankets still outside.
"yes-" as if he was tiptoeing into cold water, scared to get too excited, scared to let his fists loosen around the sheets incase he needed to hide again.
never again.
careful, tentative. "-more ready than i'll ever be."
namjoon smiles, turns around, holds jimin with his eyes. jimin smiles back, with his mouth this time.
there are so many things namjoon wanted to say.
the moon wilts under your beauty, jimin, a fairy is born every time you smile.
i wish you knew how beautiful you are.
god, i think i love you.
"good."
*
escaping with jimin felt like flying.
it felt like shedding all the baggage on his back the moment he stepped a foot on the small balcony, closing the sliding door behind him. closing his worries and his heavy heart behind him, even if just for this moment.
he turned to jimin with a grin, which was promptly returned. they shared a breath, taking in the small taste of freedom at their fingertips, letting it melt and burn on their tongues.
(they could've just as easily asked for the keys and the permission to take an innocent late night slash early morning walk, your pick, but jimin said that this would be more dramatic and exciting and who was namjoon to say no?)
*
"this is the most anti-climactic date in history."
namjoon laughed quietly, softly kicking jimin with his bare foot. carefully snuffing out the small flame that re-lit in his chest as to not get burned by the phrase he used. date.
"well, if you want to put that word to anything concerning me, it's your fault for expecting much in the first place."
"no," jimin giggles, leaning into namjoon's space. "this is perfect. really. thank you for taking me out here."
"magical," namjoon sighs in response cause jimin looks absolutely breathtaking under the soft kiss of the moon, face scrunched into that soft, boyish smile that made namjoon's heart ache until it burned.
the giggles are cascading, like fairy dust. "magical?"
"oh," he turns away as if jimin could see his face warming up in the dark. "this place. it's magical."
jimin hummed. "elaborate."
"my mom told me so many stories about this spot right here," namjoon continued, gently kicking at the rise of sand beneath his feet. "so many stories i cant even count. but there's one i do remember, the one that said at exactly 4:45 a.m., when the moon is positioned just so, aligned with the sun just so, the sky will erupt into a sea of stars and colors so ethereal it takes your breath away. fairies will come down, you won't see them, but you'll feel them, you'll hear them, they'll be there; and they'll make a home on your shoulders and whisper sweetly in your ears. they're supposed to grant you what your heart truly desires," namjoon finishes softly. "if you can open your heart up to accept it."
"wow," jimin sighed in awe. "that does sound magical."
"yeah," namjoon agreed. "it is."
and maybe it was his imagination, or his sick mind playing games on him but when he finally braved up enough to spare jimin another glance, he seemed to be leaned in a little closer than before.
"jimin," namjoon spoke up without thinking, more of a statement than an inquiry. his breath caught when jimin shifted inward slightly, nuzzled into namjoon's neck like he was trying to share the last drops of summer warmth in the air with him. he shivered when jimin's lips shifted against his neck, as his whispered "namjoon" melted into his skin like honey.
"jimin," namjoon repeated because he had forgotten why he had called him in the first place. "jimin-ah." jimin exhaled softly like he understood. lips pursed into the ghost of a kiss. namjoon was on the egde of the world.
"jimin, minnie. penny for your thoughts?"
another hum.
"i'm, well. i'm thinking about us. this."
namjoon's heart skidded to a stop.
"bts as a whole," jimin finished.
oh.
of course, you idiot. keep yourself in check.
"this is all going by so fast," jimin continued slowly, carefully as ever. "fame doesn't last forever. we're really making it joonie. this is it. but what comes after this? there's only so high we can go. there's only so many records we can break and dreams we can acheive until it all expires. i never expected this much when this first began, and now we've far exceeded our expectations and i'm scared, hyung. the future looks even more uncertain and frightening than it did when we were trainees."
namjoon could hear the familiar strain to jimin's voice, the one you get when you're not crying but you could. he could feel it in the way jimin's lips quivered, over-animated, rapidly spilling out all the worries he usually keeps securely ziplocked in his heart. like a running tap that's been clogged for too long. namjoon let's him talk on, leaning his head on top of his.
"i'm scared, joonie, i'm so scared. i haven't been sleeping well because of it, even worse than normal. this is what we wanted, this— this is what i wanted. right? but now it's right here in front of me and it's suddenly the second most terrifying thing i've faced ever in my life." at this point, jimin had practically plastered his entire body to namjoon's side, as if trying to drown in him, or hide in him, or both. namjoon felt a pang of sadness in his chest, could feel his throat tightening and heart twinging as jimin finished off shakily,
"the entire world is watching. waiting, almost. this is- this is big. bts is bigger than just the seven of us. what do we do when the fame exprires, when we've finally touched the end of the universe?"
namjoon is silent.
and jimin takes it the wrong way. "oh, god, sorry, i'm sorry hyung. this isn't what you brought me out here for, sorry for-"
"no," namjoon said, sinking a warm hand on top of jimin's to silence him. "no, i'm just thinking of what i want to say. give me a minute, i want to do this right."
"oh," jimin mumbled softly. his lips have stopped quivering.
"popularity," namjoon speaks back up. "fame, is not forever." he squeezes jimin's hand. "enjoy the ride, jiminnie. this is one hell of a rollercoaster, so throw your hands up, you know? throw your head back, really sink into your seat and let go. let the momentum carry you, let the wind comb through your hair like it usually does on rollercoasters, yeah? doesn't that always feel nice?"
jimin nodded into namjoon's neck, the ghost of a smiled lifting against his skin.
"yeah, see? and when we get onto all those stadiums, honestly— it doesn't feel like it's mine. the numbers and the records? none of it feels like it's mine. it's almost like we borrowed it, just to do with it what we will, to take it and serve our time until the rollercoaster ends and it's someone else's turn to break records and play on big stages and take our seats on the ride."
he looked up immediately at feeling the warmth leave his side, looked up at jimin, who was leaning back and just looking. looking at namjoon looking at him.
"did i say something wrong?" namjoon backtracked hastily. shit. shit, shit.
jimin didn't respond; he just kept looking, and namjoon was tensing, could feel something like a ball of discomfort rolling up his throat, burning tauntingly behind his eyes, until suddenly jimin surged forward again, and namjoon could feel it feel it this time. he was absolutely positively drowning in jimin's warmth. jimin had simply nestled back into the crook of namjoon's neck, but this time, for some reason (—you love him. you love him. you love him.) it had felt like much more. something that left namjoon's skin tingling, bursting upon impact, spreading through his veins like a plague, like the loveliest plague that he could never get enough of.
a sigh, a full, content, happy sigh. "you're so beautiful, joonie," was all jimin said, settling deeper into the nicks and corners of namjoons neck, his words settling a home in his bones. it was all it took to unwind namjoon; he released the air held tight in his chest, crumpling into jimin, molding into him like they were carved by the universe. like they held a place in the stillness, amongst the stars and the vast sky they were taking in together.
they have only thirty-five minutes now until they had to be awake and ready at the apartment's front lobby to be whisked away to the airport, but jimin's hair just smelled so sweet, and his body just felt so warm, and the night felt so quiet and full and beautiful.
he'll deal with it later.
for now, he let himself be. closes his eyes. breathes.
*
namjoon absolutely hates himself for letting his guard down.
after talking with jimin, he felt the world step off his chest, he felt lighter, freer, like he could conquer the entire universe if he wanted to. or more preferably, solve world hunger and bring world peace or something.
in this state of euphoria he hadn't been aware of the tension bubbling up within the dorms.
or, to be more specific, the tension bubbling within jimin.
"it's been really bad," hoseok whispered with a frown from where they stood together in the practice room's entrance. "he's been in here since twelve in the damn morning."
namjoon's heart and brows folded painfully as he silently watched jimin try to score his landing for the eleventh time.
"taehyungie found him crying in the bathroom the other day," hoseok continued, concern laced in his voice. "jimin yelled at him until he left though, apparently? i'm not entirely sure, taehyung isn't the most coherent when he's balling his eyes out too."
and namjoon felt awful.
scratch that, he felt absolutely sick. this was his job. it was his duty, what he owed to the others. while he was in his happy little world in his head, the people who mean the immediate most to him where living in, respectfully, hell.
jimin, who means the immediate most to him.
god, if he hadn't said it already, he really, really damn hated himself.
"jimin," namjoon said, letting himself into jimin's room after knocking four times with no response.
"namjoon," jimin replied back, except this time it had an aftertaste of a flat warning dripping from it, completely devoid of the sweet sweet taste of honey from before. stupid, stupid, stupid.
"i'm not here to give you a pep talk, jiminnie. that can come any other day." he carefully closes the door behind him, tentatively stepping further into jimin's room.
"then what do you want."
what did namjoon want? for a fleeting moment, namjoon felt at a loss. he could tell this wasn't something he could talk jimin through, or out of like he used to doing. like he's good at. he suddenly feels very pathetic, and jimin takes his silence as defeat.
"i think you should leave," jimin says quietly.
"i'm not going anywhere," namjoon says, hating how shaky his voice sounded, hated how stupid and small and pathetic he was.
"there's some things you just can't fix, namjoon. please. please go."
namjoon's heart plummeted. "what does that mean?"
"namjoon."
"no. tell me what you mean."
jimin finally turns around at namjoon's tone. namjoon knew he must've sounded childish and pitiful but suddenly he's feeling very reckless and selfish and emotional and he couldn't honestly care any less.
after regarding him for a few heartbeats, jimin responds coolly.
"what's it like, holding the weight of the world on your shoulders?"
namjoon blinks at him.
"you always have everything in control," jimin continues, laughing with little humor to it. "you're so— figured out. you know everything. you never screw up, never make any mistakes. the whole world on your shoulder's. you can make room for the enire fuckin world, everyone except yourself."
oh?
is that what this is about?
namjoon says this outloud too, sounding as incredulous and confused and hurt as he feels.
"you're fucking perfect," jimin mumbled in response. "and i hate it so damn much sometimes."
"you're kidding," namjoon laughed, cause he's surpassed reckless emotionl drive now. since apparently they were getting personal now. "what's it like, giving and giving all this love? nothing is endless, you'll wring yourself dry one day. what happens when you've got no more love to give to the world?"
"you need to give some to get some," jimin replies quietly.
"you don't get some though," namjoon said, his laughter increasing. god, he felt sick. "you only give. never asking for anything in return. don't you know how to be selfish?"
"don't you?" jimin shot back. "you're always so busy giving us advice and a shoulder to lean on, taking my- our problems, making them your own. yet you refuse to ever let us help you. you refuse to let me help you."
"fuck off," namjoon growled. something unstoppable was buzzing in his chest now. it was too late to bring it back. "i don't need help. you're the one who's been acting wierd all week. we're not talking about me."
"we fucking are now," jimin growled right back, standing up off the bed.
namjoon was propelling himself forward, stride by stride on auto-pilot, his body taking the reigns over the usual nagging voice in namjoon's head that showed up whenever he wanted to be free.
"fuck you and your selflessness. fuck you park jimin. fuck it, i'm scared of vulnerability. i'm not allowed to crumple, jimin. i don't have that fucking luxury, and you being so fucking— whatever. is not fucking helping at all."
suddenly the feet between them had turned into inches, jimin having gotten incredibly close and having gained incredible height on him, dispite their four inch hieght difference. the gaze that he was slicing through namjoon was filtering into his brain slowly, dark and dripping with something, flickering with something namjoon wanted to put a finger on but couldn't now if he tried.
"what am i being," jimin whispered, taking another step closer.
namjoon stood his ground, trying not to go dizzy from the intencity of jimin's stare.
"i said whatever," he hissed back, cause now jimin was, again, too too close (too close for comfort), so close that namjoon could count all the faint freckles dotting his face. could probably think anything he wanted to say and jimin would hear it anyway. he caught jimin's gaze deliberately sinking down as namjoon subconsciously ran a tongue along his bottom lip. his eyes dragged up again, meeting namjoon's with new purpose.
"what the fuck am i being," jimin repeated, a fist closingaround namjoon's shirt collar, pulling him down so that the next word painted themselves along namjoon's lips. his heart was thundering in his ears. he felt as if maybe he'd wake up and all of this would have been a dream. maybe jimin would be okay again and namjoon wouldn't have entered this room and jimin wouldn't be growling on his lips and everything would be right with the world again.
(something small in him didn't want that though. he was reluctant, but wishing to let That Something win.)
"namjoon," jimin breathed, hot on his face. namjoon's stomach kicked. "namjoon."
said more like an answer than a question, an answer namjoon couldn't respond to.
yanking him in closer, the next words namjoon lets spill from his lips accidental, invitational, begging.
"fuck you."
and that's all it takes to finally set off the bomb.
jimin yanks him down all the way, meeting his lips in between.
it was awkward at first, as first kisses usually are. not that namjoon has never kissed before, but it always took time to get the angle just right when the lips are met with someone new. it took time so two faces molded and fit together like one.
it was horrible. angry. lustfull. full of months, maybe years, of want want want.
jimin sucked harshly on namjoon's bottom lip, and namjoon groans into his mouth, blood rushing to his face immediately at the obscene sound.
"'d'you like that?" jimin mumbles against him, catching his bottom lip again. diving in and out, kissing him feverishly, fingers tangling at the nape of his neck like it was all that was holding him up.
namjoon has to be dreaming.
cause jimin was finally where he's always dreamt him to be. pressed up against him, soft lips on his, except it felt all wrong.
this was wrong, period.
"jimin," namjoon whispers, trying to detach his lips from jimin's. "jimin, we can't-" jimin lurched back immediately, looking like he just woke up from a dream by a slap in the face.
"shit, hyung," he said, eyes dropping to namjoon's lips, swollen and red and sheer coated with the shiney print of jimin.
fuck shit fuck shit fuck.
"that was entirely uncalled for," jimin continued, pained eyes rising again. all traces of the burning anger had vanished, the remains of it only sadness, regret and utter sadness. "i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have-"
"no," namjoon shook his head, stepping back, gut wrenching horribly at the flash of hurt that settled into jimin's eyes. "it's not- you don't have to apologize, i shouldn't have intruded in the first place. if i had never came...we can't..."
"you weren't-" jimin swallows loudly, dragging a distressed hand through his hair. "you weren't intruding. you were caring, and i'm just- i don't know what came into me, i'm sorry, god." he takes a few stumbling steps back, lands on his bed like his bones were one breath away from collapsing in his body.
"god," he mumbled again into his hands, folding into his body over where he sat.
"i think," namjoon forced through his tightening throat. "i should go. i don't- i don't know. i'll go."
jimin didn't raise his head from his hands. namjoon took a few uncertain steps backwards, opening and closing his mouth, desperately wanting to say something else, anything to make this better.
there was nothing he could say to make this better.
he slid down to the floor on the opposite side of jimin's closed doors, banging his temple agasint his knuckles. everything he had said to him inside the room was coming back to him. selfish, he sounded so horrible and selfish.
he had just about the entire world at his finger-tips (on his lips, sharing air with him, swallowing his moans like he's never eaten before, kissing him passionately like he's never kissed before) and he let it slip right through like sand.
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid played like a broken record in namjoon's head.
*
namjoon proved better at avoiding jimin than he thought.
if the other five noticed anything wrong they didn't comment on it, stepping carefully around the tension like broken glass, averting their eyes when jimin stepped into a room namjoon was in, faces unchanging when namjoon did the same.
it was terrible. they weren't usually like this. whenever any one of them had an issue, the issue would be lain out in the form of a family discussion before anyone went to bed, chopped up and passed around so everyone could input an opinion, and then the last couple of remains would be left for those the issue revolved around, so they could finish the rest off.
it was a good system, and it had kept them all cemented together through years of occasional fights and arguments and fall outs. except maybe this time, they could tell it was a little more than a small disagreement.
namjoon wanted to punch the tension in the face, wring it's neck until it left him alone, until things were mended and back to normal between the two of them.
with jimin.
cause god, did he miss him.
jimin wouldn't look him in the eye anymore. his hand didn't settle into the small of his back anymore, he'd go the long way around the kitchen just to make sure their paths didn't cross. whenever he laughed now, he'd lean against anyone but namjoon, and he kept holding hands with yoongi and smothering hoseok in affectionate kisses and trailing dainty fingers down jeongguk's arm and now fully ("and unfortunately so," he had added sulkily) confirmed by seokjin, sneaking a make-out session or two with taehyung when no one was around ("or when they thought no one was around, jesus christ," seokjin shuddered). platonic or not, he said he couldn't tell ("like, if god and the devil were holding me at gunpoint and replayed the horrid image over and over in my head, threatening to shoot if i didn't give an solid opinion in thirty seconds i still wouldn't be able to tell," seokjin made sure to specify.)
and it stings. like a fucking bitch. he doesn't know what happened. but that kiss should not have, and these feelings should not have, and about a hundred other things should not have and namjoon doesn't know how to make it right anymore.
he's too scared to try to make it right anymore. he's always been such a coward, despite jimin's outburst in his bed-room. namjoon isn't perfect. perfect doesn't gain feelings for his band mate, perfect doesn't kiss said band mate and then run, perfect doesn't create tension, looming like a dark cloud of fog over the dorms. so, respectively, namjoon is far from perfect.
cause perfect would make the last effort to break through anything to get to what, or who they love. without hurting themselves, the people around them, or the other person.
(jimin.)
so he avoids him.
until he was beginning his ending mention one night.
he already knew what was coming his way. he'd picked up on their pattern long ago, had braced for it the second he caught the evil glint in the eye of each of the youngest.
(or at least, he saw it in jeongguk and taehyung's eyes. he didn't even dare entertain the idea of looking into jimin's. not on stage. not like this. not in front of all these of eyes.)
jeongguk sidled up next him with his usual wide, evil grin, hands already working around namjoon's ear piece to catch onto namjoon's glasses. and namjoon was ready to feign his usual i can't believe this is the shit i go through every day look, the muscles in his face already relaxing, eyes hooding accordingly, until he was abruptly interrupted by hot air on his cheek,
and the world froze.
for a second, jeongguk wasn't there, handling his glasses. the crowd's screams sounded faded and distant. nobody was in that arena besides someone's nose brushing into his neck.
jimin's nose brushing into his neck.
fuck.
was all he could think, heart rate pounding, and was that his eyes glazing over for a second? they're standing before thousands, and millions more at home.
not now not now why now
eyes peaking open, namjoon blinked dazedly at the crowd before him, felt jimin's lack of presence in his neck, felt him skipping across the stage, away from him, as if namjoon was the only one jimin liked to tease anyway.
as if everything that had been bubbling up at home hadn't happened at all, as if things were going great and they were the best of friends again, as if he and jimin hadn't been circling around each other like same sides of a pole for the past generous week.
pained, the voice rises up again, fanservice, you idiot. the crowd absolutely loved that, can't you hear the way they lost it? that's simply the shit jimin lives for. fanservice fanservice fanservice
he pulled a smile, making sure to flex his muscles just right so the infamous dimple would pop. that sent the crowd roaring again.
he needed to get his head out of the clouds. he had a band to lead, a concert to finish, his fans to attend to.
out of his peripheral vision he could see jimin teasing the camera. his face was blown up on the big screen, the smirk, the tongue, the whole works.
widening his smile until his cheeks hurt, he stepped forward, opened his mouth, "army!"
he didn't look at jimin for the rest of the night.
"hey, what the fuck was that," namjoon said incredulously, pulling jimin into a closet with him, aggressively slamming the door shut behind them.
"oh, hey hyung," jimin said, the innocence in his eyes rubbing wrongly with namjoon. god knows he can be the most patient person on earth, but he couldn't do it anymore. he was at his last.
"don't fucking play that game, jimin," he growled, closing in on him. "what the fuck was that? what went through your head- that you thought, let me do this stupid shit, let me throw namjoon off again just for the hell of it cause that's been my favorite hobby as of late, right?"
jimin looked at him with something weird in his eyes.
"did it feel good?" he asked quietly, head cocking to the side.
"what."
"when i pressed my nose into your neck. did it feel good? is your neck sensitive, joonie?"
"i," namjoon opened and closed his mouth. this is not where he was trying to go with this. he could feel something bubbling up inside of him again, something dangerous and familiar. "that's. that's not what this is about."
he was suddeny horribly aware of the cramped space they were now trapped in, how close he had plastered himself to jimin, how the shadows cast themselves onto jimin's face, how he looked looking up at him like that.
"can i do it again?" jimin asked carefully, eyes holding namjoon with something different than before. with intent, but less angrier, less wild. more present. more calm. more sure.
"do...what?" namjoon asked in return, suddenly wanting desperately to throw the closet door open and go back to pretending jimin didn't exist, while also wanting depsperatly to sink down and kiss jimin again.
the second urge was winning.
"do..." jimin mumbled, leaning up, pressing a delicate kiss to the muscle in namjoon's neck. namjoon swallowed a breathy whimper, mouth going slack again as he angled his head only the slightest to give jimin more access.
"...that." lips detaching, jimin moved back, eyes attentively, carefully searching namjoon's face. "does it- does it feel good? can i do it again?"
"yes," namjoon responded to both questions, eyes fluttering closed. "please."
so he did.
again and again, jimin dipped in and out of namjoon's neck. his lips caught onto the flesh on namjoon's neck again, teeth gently nipping at his jawline, lips leaving hot, wet kisses down his burning muscles. namjoon tried to contain another groan when jimin sucked at the same spot he pressed his nose into earlier, hands resting softly on namjoon's jaw.
"wanna hear it," jimin mumbled hotly into his neck, teeth going for the same spot again. namjoon was seeing stars. "they can't hear us, trust me. all your pretty noises, wanna hear all of it."
the guilt of the five boys somewhere on the other side of the closet was slowly tinkering out. the many rules he was breaking, the many ways in which this was still, very wrong.
cause jimin's voice leaving hot, breathy trails on his skin and jimin's lips gradually crawling up to find his was making him forget everything. and maybe that's what he needs. so, so what if namjoon repeated yes, to jimin asking if he feels good (he probably looked so needy, chest rising and falling heavily, eyes begging jimin not to stop. maybe he is. he doesn't care. "yes, it feels amazing, i think i'm about to pass out. please kiss me again, please-"). so what if he let jimin kiss him again, let him explore different ways to make him gasp into his mouth. jimin tasted of mint and the small bite of ramen he had before going out on stage, and his lips were wet and swollen and beautiful from kissing namjoon so hard and long and gentle and namjoon wouldn't ask this to stop if the world was ending behind the closed doors.
jimin pushed his thigh in between namjoon's legs just slightly, grinding at the growing bulge in namjoon's pants. a solid shudder rippled through namjoon's body when jimin's clothed dick brushed against the inside of his thigh. he was definitely hard. and it made namjoon crave something more, more than just kissing. the burning feeling in the pit of his stomach encouraged him to slide his fingers against the base of jimin's shirt, where his v-line was. he kept his hands there, teasing around the area just below the pant line and just above the hem. he greedily ate up jimin's quickening breaths, taking it as an invitation to investigate further.
namjoon's hands only made it halfway up his shirt before he felt jimin bite down softly on his lips, successfully making him gasp. jimin took the moment of distraction to slide his hands up namjoon's shirt instead, smirking sweetly into his mouth.
"wanna make you feel good," jimin mumbled, thumbs finding namjoon's sensitive nipples, flicking back and forth against them.
"ah, ah," namjoon tried not to writhe under jimin's hold. "ah, jimin, fuck."
"yeah?" jimin smiled again, hands slowly crawling down namjoon's stomach again. his thumbs hooked against namjoon's pant line, swinging back and forth and pulling him closer. a finger and then two and three and four ventured beneath the surface, prodding teasingly around where namjoon's dick lay. namjoon felt his knees weakening under his touch, wanted to whine and buck his hips into his fingers. jimin's index finger swiped against his clothed tip, and namjoon couldn't help the begging moan he released.
"jimin, please," he pushed closer, pleading for jimin to touch him more. "no more teasing, wanna..."
"what do you want?" jimin mumbled, lips pulling and kissing at his neck again. he'd smile every time he got a shuddering gasp out of namjoon, memorized every spot on the sensitive skin that made him whimper. namjoon could feel it, something boiling deep deep deep in the pit of his stomach, something ready to spill over already if jimin sucked at his neck one more time. "tell me, joonie. tell me everything you want."
you you you, namjoon wanted to whimper. he felt like crying, in a good or bad way, he couldn't tell. maybe both. i just want you. nothing else, no one else.
"jimin," namjoon said thickly, eyes fluttering open to catch his. his heart rose like fireworks and blooming daisies at how jimin was looking at him, the same way he had on namjoon's birthday, and under the stars that night. maybe namjoon was just projecting, but it looked like want. like love.
or something like that.
"minnie. i..." he inhaled, steeling himself. just say it just say it just say it-
"was the story true?" jimin interrupted. his eyes were saying so much, namjoon was going dizzy to trying to interpret, dizzy from tip-toeing and dissecting and trying so hard to say all the right things. "the one with the fairies. you said they come down to whisper pretty things in your ear, and they'll grant you everything you want."
namjoon licked his lips. "yes. if you open your heart up to it."
"what do you want, joonie?" jimin whispered, hand skimming up his body again, light as feathers, light as fairies, leaving behind fire-y golden dust where his fingers brushed along his collar bone, around the back of his neck, his jaw, his cheeks. jimin swiped his thumb across his cheeks, once, twice, inquiry in the movements, asking permission with his eyes.
there was muted shouting outside the closet; "has anyone seen jimin? namjoon isn't in the dressing room, have you checked the restrooms yet?"
namjoon deep in a long breath. looks at jimin, sad and hopeful.
"i'll keep the keys safe."
if you can open your heart up to it
"i want you," namjoon said before he even realized the words have left his mouth. once they were gone though, they split again, and again, and one more time. as if the words have been kept trapped behind his tongue for too long, and the taste of freedom was too good not to savor again and again and again; "i want you, jimin. i want you, i want you. i want you in every way there is to want someone."
"oh hyung-"
"-and," namjoon rambled on, willing his mouth to stop, willing his tongue to keep towards the freedom it finally grasped onto. "and i know i shouldn't. i shouldn't want you like i do. this isn't safe, nor is it right, and i know that and i know you don't want me like that. i'm not as attractive as taehyung or jeongguk and hands aren't as nice and yoongi hyung's and i really don't have that much to offer you, so i completely understand if you don't feel the same- i just. i can't do this void of emotion. i don't just want your body, or your nice lips, or your dick. although i would love all of those. and i do. but i want those things because they come with you. i want you. i-"
jimin cut him of with a breathy giggle, one that settled hotly on his lips before jimin filled in the space by pressing against them softly. namjoon sighed into it, hands knotting around jimin's waist, leaning into jimin's palms against his cheek, leaning into the kiss like it was their first and last. jimin kept giggling, pulling back to look at namjoon with bright, starry eyes before pressing another breathy kiss to his lips, peppering some across his face, his eyes, his nose, and back to his lips.
"you silly goose," jimin grinned, face scrunching up fondly. "you dumb, big ol' silly goose. of course i want you. i've wanted you for so goddamn long, holy fucking cow."
oh.
"oh," namjoon grinned back, sheepish and dumb and full of life and too many other things he couldn't even begin to name.
"then how come you always..."
"messed around with the others?" jimin shrugged, grin also turning sheepish. "dunno. wanted to make you jealous i think, thought if i-" he laughed, embarrassed, buried his face in namjoon's chest. "i really don't know what i was thinking. i guess we're both silly gooses."
"geese," namjoon corrected fondly, settling his chin on top of jimin's head.
"you dick," jimin said, and namjoon could feel his eye roll against his chest. "the mood was just getting so soft."
"maybe i don't want soft right now," namjoon said, trying to contain the blood from rushing up to his face when jimin lifted his head in inquiry. "i don't know about you, but speaking of dicks, i think you owe me some attention after leaving me on the hook like that, don't you think?"
"oh," jimin smirked widely, eyes bright as ever. "that'll be no problem." his hands where promptly at the bulge in namjoon's pants in seconds, fingers teasing the clothed head again.
"but on only one term," jimin said formally, the hand not at namjoon's pants rising to lift his chin so that their eyes met, the air between them burning and intense and mutual.
namjoon was unbelievably happy. happy to comply to anything. "and what would that be, park jimin-ssi?"
"when i say i want to hear everything, i mean i want to hear everything. scream my name so loud everyone in this damn venue knows your mine, and i'm yours. deal?"
"hm. i don't know, might have to come back to you on that one."
he felt jimin's absence the second his hands retracted themselves.
"that's okay, while you ponder that, i'll go get my things ready to go back to the hotel-"
"no, okay," namjoon interjected, hands reaching for jimin already, although he hadn't even taken a step. "deal. i'll be so loud the dead can hear me."
a sly, content smile, and jimin's hands where back at namjoon's hem line, slowly working his pants off. "good boy."
"jesus, you're evil," namjoon muttered, face heating up, eyes darkening at the tease of a pet name.
"you love it though," jimin giggled, kissing his way down to his knees, hands palming namjoon's clothed tip, kissing and sucking gently at the head through the boxers. "and you love me."
namjoon lolled his head back, biting his lip hard to conceal a moan before remembering their compromise. "you're right," he panted, letting out a long groan when jimin finally pulled his boxers down.
"i do love you. a whole goddamn lot."
"you too," jimin mumbled around namjoon's cock in his mouth, the sound reverberating through namjoon's body, sending waves of pleasure through his body.
"and i love you, hyung."