Archive of Our Own ^beta

   Freed stared blankly at his reflection, not paying attention to the large bandage wrapped around his temple or the bruises marring his skin. No, his attention was riveted on his mouth, watching as his lips moved and desperately straining to hear any of the words that were falling from his lips, but there was nothing, not even the slightest whisper and his eyes began to sting. Why? Why is this happening? Fury surged up, overwhelming the pain and fear and without thinking about he lashed out, pain lancing through his hands as the mirror gave way beneath the blow and yet he couldn’t stop, lashing out again and again even as blood began to trickle from his hands as the shattered glass sliced into his skin.

“Freed?” Laxus had heard the sound of smashing glass and rushed into the room, eyes widening with horror as he took in the smashed mirror and the blood covering Freed’s hands as repeatedly smashed his fists against it. “Freed stop!” He shouted instinctively, cursing himself as he realised that it wouldn’t work and he darted across the room, hating the way the Rune mage jolted violently as he wrapped his arms around him. Freed was like a wildcat, twisting in his embrace and beginning to hammer bloody fists against his chest, tears cascading down his cheeks. “Freed, please stop,” he knew that he couldn’t hear the words, but he had to say it, and instead he gently wrapped his arms around the Rune mage and beginning to trace soothing patterns on his back as Freed started to sob in earnest.

    It seemed to take forever for Freed to calm himself, the bloodied hands finally ceasing their frantic beating as he slumped against the Dragon-slayer, his sobbing easing away to quiet weeping and Laxus had to close his eyes as he rested his head against his mate’s. Freed…He had known that the calm mask that the younger man had adopted since he’d been released from the infirmary a couple of days was just that and that eventually, it was going to shatter. But…Opening his eyes, he stared at the broken mirror. I never expected it to be like this…

“Lax…us?” Freed’s voice was, soft and hesitant, and Laxus wished that he could banish that tone, but he knew that was a long way off. Turning his gaze back to the Rune mage, he found that Freed had pulled back and was staring up at him with pained eyes and he knew that the pain had nothing to do with his bloody hands.

“Freed,” he said, making sure to keep his words soft and steady. Freed could lip-read to some extent, although it was hard to keep up for a long period of time. “This…” He lifted one hand to gently brush his fingers across the bandaged temple, and the ear behind it. “We will find a way to fix this.”

“But…”

“Even if we can’t,” Laxus cut across the protests, never flinching away from Freed’s gaze. “It won’t change anything.”

    Freed closed his eyes, wishing that he could believe those words, knowing that Laxus meant every one of them. It already has changed everything, he wanted to point out, but he couldn’t bear to put more worry on those broad shoulders. He felt the sigh that went through the Dragon-slayer, and he glanced up at Laxus, realising that he hadn’t been able to hide his doubt as much as he wanted as he caught the pained look in the warm blue eyes staring down at him. I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…He tried to pull away, hating the fact that he had managed to hurt Laxus again without meaning to, but the Dragon-slayer wouldn’t let him go, and he felt a sob welling up. Why? Why are you holding on to me when I’m like this?

    Laxus was fighting the urge to growl as he caught the emotions flickering across the Rune mage’s face. He had known that it wasn’t going to be that easy to convince Freed that nothing was going to change, but the self-loathing and guilt in those turquoise eyes had stunned him. There was nothing about this situation that was Freed’s fault. If anything the fault lay with him - he had been the one that hadn’t been there when Freed needed him the most.

    They had been out celebrating Freed’s birthday, and the Rune mage had been slightly more intoxicated than usual, and they had ended up bickering. He couldn’t even remember what it was about now, but he knew that it was stupid. However, it had ended with Freed storming out and heading home on his own, angrily refusing to allow even the rest of the Raijinshu to go with him. That had been the biggest mistake of the whole evening. They had stayed for a few more drinks while Laxus calmed down, and the Dragon-slayer had just been getting ready to go and find his mate and apologise, even though he wasn’t convinced that it was entirely his fault when Mira had burst in looking for them.

Freed had been attacked.

   A cowardly, sneak attack from behind that would never have worked if Freed hadn’t been drunk and distracted from their argument. Laxus had only waited long enough to hear that he was in the infirmary and that Natsu and Gajeel were already out tracking the attackers before dashing to the guild.

   Laxus had always hated seeing any of his teammates injured, but it had always been worse with Freed even before they were more than friends. However, there was an uneasy feeling in his gut as he burst into the infirmary that told him that this worse. Maybe it was because it had happened in the supposed safety of Magnolia, or because it could have been so easily prevented, he didn’t know. All he knew was that his heart sank as his eyes landed on the Rune Mage.

“Freed,” his voice was rough, completely ignoring Porlyusica as he rushed to his mate’s side, his anger growing as he took in the bruises marring the delicate features and the bloody bandage on his temple, but underneath that was terror as he realised that he could quite easily have lost the younger man all because of a stupid argument. “Damn it, I’m sorry…” He whispered as he grabbed Freed’s hand, the feel of sword callouses and battle-hardened skin and the warmth from his mate, helping to bring him back onto an even keel. “I’m sorry.”

     There were fresh apologies on his lips as he stared at Freed, but he held them back, knowing that it wasn’t what the Rune mage wanted to hear at the moment and still remembering the furious expression that had met his last attempt at apologising. Instead, he gently pulled back, never letting go of Freed and carefully guiding the younger man across to the bed and settling him down on the edge, hating how pliant Freed was in his arms. This isn’t you…

“Stay here,” he ordered slowly, waiting until he got a somewhat dazed nod from Freed before hurrying through to their bathroom in search of the first aid kit that the Rune mage always insisted on them keeping there. However, he found himself faltering as he took it off the shelf and he leant back against the wall, gazing blankly at the kit in his hands. How did this happen?

   Laxus hadn’t left Freed’s side once that night, terrified that something else could happen if he wasn’t there and Bickslow and Evergreen had stayed with him, bringing him coffee to help him sober up and stay awake, but otherwise waiting silently perched on the next bed. Some birthday this had turned out to be…

    It was around dawn that Natsu had appeared, uncharacteristically quiet as he glanced across at the unconscious Rune mage, informing him that the culprits had been caught and handed over to the local Rune Knights for punishment. There had been a brief flicker of relief at that news, that the men that had done this were going to be punished…but other than that Laxus had only nodded to show that he’d heard the younger Dragon-slayer…whilst it helped to know that, that had been dealt with, it paled in comparison to his need for Freed to wake up. He needed to apologise. He needed to make up for the fact that he hadn’t been there when Freed needed him most, and he had every intention of sticking to his mate’s side from now on. He didn’t care if it annoyed him, it would be a long time before he would be able to let the Rune mage out of his sight.

   Apparently, Natsu had cottoned onto this fact as he offered him a sad understanding smile, probably understanding better than anyone as he had been in this position more than once with Gray and he was just turning to leave when a soft groan from the bed made them all freeze.

“Freed!” Laxus was immediately there, gently squeezing Freed’s hand and murmuring a constant stream of encouragement as Freed visibly fought to urge his eyes open. It took several minutes, but finally, the Rune mage managed to coax his eyes open and the sheer relief in them as they landed on the Lightning mage, through Laxus for a loop and he found himself silenced. How can you look at me like that? When I…when I’m the reason you ended up like this…?

“Lax…us?”

“Yeah,” there was no way he could ignore that pleading tone, and he paid no mind to Ever muttering that she was going to go and fetch Porlyusica. He only had eyes for Freed. “I’m here. I’m so sorry Freed…I’ so sorry…I…” He trailed off as he realised that Freed was now staring at him in alarm, fear seeping into the turquoise eyes, and the dread that had assailed him on the way to the infirmary returned tenfold. What was going on? “Freed? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I…I can’t…” Not once, in all the years they had known each other had he heard the Rune mage sound so frightened, and the Dragon-slayer felt terror rising as Freed reached out with a trembling hand to brush his fingers against Laxus’s lips before doing the same to his own. “I can’t…”

“Freed?”

“I can’t hear!” Freed’s voice was uncommonly loud, and Laxus flinched at the sudden noise, and he caught Natsu doing the same out of the corner of his eyes, but looking down at the Rune mage he felt his terror turning to ice as he realised that Freed seemed to have no idea of how loud he had just been. “Laxus…I…”

    The Dragon-slayer had no idea what was going on or what to say, so he did the only thing he could think of at the moment, throwing his arms around Freed and drawing him into a tight hug. Murmuring reassurances and promises that everything would be okay as he felt warm tears beginning to soak into his clothes, and struggling to fight back his own tears. Freed….

    Traumatic brain injury…conductive hearing loss…surgery might have been able to help, but Porlyusica didn’t know any with the right skills, and there was no way they were going to risk making thing worse. Worse? Laxus thought with a hint of bitterness, and he glanced towards the bedroom, knowing that Freed was waiting for him. How can this be worse? Apart from his terror when he’d first realised what was happening, Freed had taken everything with a blank expression and apparent calmness, even the news that he would be deactivated from active status until such time as he could adapt to this development hadn’t drawn more than an anguished glance towards Laxus…and his reactions had terrified the Dragon-slayer. As bad as today's meltdown had been, at least it had shown that he wasn’t coping as well as he had been pretending and Laxus hoped that maybe, just maybe that meant they could move forward. I can’t lose him…

    With that thought he gripped the kit tighter and moved back through to the bedroom, offering the Rune mage a strained smile when Freed jolted at his reappearance despite having been sat staring at the doorway. Crouching down in front of the Rune mage, he gently took one of the bloodied hands and with a tenderness that only this man was ever allowed to see he began to ease the shards of glass out from under his skin, biting his lip hard enough draw blood whenever a low whimper escaped his mate. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…It had become a silent mantra since that night, and he wondered whether he would ever be free of those words. I don’t deserve to be, he thought as he glanced up into teary eyes, and he paused in his ministrations for a moment so that he could reach up to brush the tears away. Freed…

    Eventually both hands were cleaned and bandaged, and Laxus had made the Rune mage stay put whilst he cleaned up the mess by the mirror, refusing to risk Freed hurting himself again. Freed hadn’t even put up a token protest, sitting stiffly where Laxus had left him, gaze fixated on some distant point that only he could see and Laxus couldn’t shake the fear that he might already have lost him.  Freed…how do I help you fight this? How do I protect you from this?

**

    Freed could feel Laxus’s gaze on him. He had always been able to tell when the Dragon-slayer was watching him, and it was a drop of comfort in the ocean of silence that stretched out around him. But it isn’t enough…

He was lost.

   Until it was taken from him, he had never known how much he relied on his hearing. He hated it. Not being able to hear the gruff voice that he loved so much. Not being able to hear the others coming up to him; he had lost track of the number of times he had startled at their approach, and every time he did he saw the guilt in their eyes, and he hated it. I hate this…What he hated most was that, although his magic worked, as usual, …it had been one of the first things he had checked upon leaving the infirmary…he couldn’t go out on jobs like this, and while everyone was acting like that was only temporary, he knew that might not be the case.

   His eyes were stinging again as he raised his head to watch as Laxus cleaned up the mess he’d made. The promise he had made to Makarov years before echoing through his mind and taunting him. How was he supposed to protect the Dragon-slayer like this? Even if he did get to the point where he could work again, S-class missions might always be beyond him, and those were the ones that Laxus preferred. How can I take that from him? Deep down he knew that Laxus would risk taking him along, even if he knew that would it would endanger the job…the team…himself…and there was no way he could allow that to happen. I can’t be the reason he gets hurt…

“Laxus…” He could feel the vibrations in his throat that told him he was speaking, but he squeezed his eyes shut as nothing reached his ears, he couldn’t even tell how loud he was being. I hate this…Sniffling he forced his eyes open, realising that Laxus had immediately abandoned what he was doing and was currently crouching down in front of him. I can’t even hear you approaching, his hands curled into fists in his lap, the pain from the movement helping to ground him. “I…I can’t do this.” I can’t do any of this, not anymore…

“Freed?”

“I…” Freed swallowed nervously, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to calm down. Unable to hear himself he had to stay calm and speak slowly, hoping that the words were understandable. “I can’t…I can’t protect you like this. I can’t stand by your side. I…” I can’t be the Freed you need. I can’t be the Freed that you fell in love with…

“Enough,” Laxus growled softly. It had taken him a moment to fully comprehend the slightly messy words, and he wished that he hadn’t. Freed, I’m not letting you give up. He could see protests welling up in the Rune mage’s eyes, and he leant forward to grasp the Rune mage’s face, determined not to let him believe for a moment that Laxus could leave him behind or that this was going to change what lay between them. You’re still Freed…still, my Freed and that’s not going to change. I won’t let it…

   He wasn’t naïve enough to believe for a moment that it was going to be easy. It was going to take time for both of them to adapt to this, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care if they could never go back to the old normal, as long as Freed was there.

“Laxus…” Freed tried to plead as he saw the stubborn glint that had appeared in Laxus’s eyes, and he found himself being cut off as the Dragon-slayer reached up to capture his lips in a gentle kiss and despite himself he found himself melting into the tender touch. Laxus…

    Laxus pulled back after a moment, brushing his fingers across pale cheeks mindful of the lingering bruises before settling back on his heels. Making sure that Freed was watching him before lifting his hands in front of him. It had only been a week since the attack, but he had been working hard, wanting to be ready for this moment as he knew that it wouldn’t be long before Freed tried to question everything.

Here goes nothing…

    Taking a deep breath and praying that he had remembered everything he began to sign, cursing as his large hands made each movement feel more awkward than necessary. Come on you can do this, one letter at a time….

    Freed blinked as he realised what the Dragon-slayer was doing. It had been one of the things Porlyusica had suggested, and he had seized on it, wanting a way to communicate where he didn’t need to fear what he sounded like and Levy had come and spent a few hours every day with him. He was a long way off reaching any real proficiency, but he could at least understand what Laxus was trying to say as it appeared that the Dragon-slayer was no further along than he was, although he found himself distracted by the fact that Laxus had even bothered to learn. When? When did you do this? Despite everything, there was a warmth in his chest as he forced himself to focus, sucking in a breath when Laxus met his gaze, apparently realising that he had been distracted and willingly starting over.

You are still Freed, my Freed. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing will ever change that. I don’t care about work, or whether you can protect me or not. As long as you’re here that’s enough…

“Laxus…” There were tears in his eyes now, but these were different than the ones he had shed earlier, and despite himself, he felt his lips curling upwards. Laxus, you did this for me? It was clear that the movements were still awkward, and the Dragon-slayer looked slightly cross-eyed as he focused on spelling everything out.

    Hope welled up as he took in the shaky smile, and Laxus felt his lips quirk up in an answering smile as relief engulfed him. Thank you, Levy, he owed the poor Solid Script mage something special as he knew that he had been a terrible student, but it was worth it. It was more than worth it, he thought warmly as he met Freed’s eyes, seeing them welling up but knowing instinctively that these were tears of a different sort. He knew that even if his words had got through this time, he would probably need to repeat them again and again over the next few months if not longer. Challenge accepted, he thought as Freed reached out to rest a shaky, bandaged hand against his cheek.

“Thank you…”

    There was one sign that he had tried desperately to learn, but whether it was because of his clumsy fingers or the lingering guilt he felt, he had never been able to get it down and staring into Freed’s eyes he desperately wished he had. However…gently he reached up and took the bandaged hand and brought it down in front of him, glaring at the bandage for a moment, before turning his attention to the pale flesh of Freed’s wrist, relieved that the Rune mage wasn’t wearing his normal long sleeves. Raising his eyes to meet Freed’s once more, he gently began to trace letters onto the Rune mage’s skin, repeating them again and again until comprehension dawned. I love you…

    There was a lump in his throat as he realised what the Dragon-slayer was doing, and he couldn’t stop the tears that slipped down his cheek. Laxus. Sniffling, torn between laughter and outright bawling he reluctantly pulled his hand free, waiting for the Dragon-slayer to look up at him before signing the same words back at him. It had been the first thing he had insisted on learning, although he had intended to use them as part of a farewell, now staring into incredulous blue eyes, he knew that saying goodbye was impossible. There was no way he could turn his back on this amazing man, not if Laxus was still willing to see him as Freed…as his Freed…despite everything that had happened, and everything they still had to confront.

    Laxus stared up at Freed torn between amazement and disbelief, warmth spreading through him as the Rune mage repeated the sign again and again. Of course, he learned it…Unable to resist any more he lent up, capturing the younger man’s lips in a gentle kiss, trying to pour everything he felt into it and he smiled as he felt Freed’s arms coming up hesitantly to wrap around his neck as the kiss deepened. I love you Freed Justine. Eventually, he pulled back, and this time Freed didn’t need to hear to understand the words that were breathed against his lips, Laxus’s warm breath tickling against him as the Dragon-slayer reached up to brush away the fresh tears.

I love you…

Yeah, I love you too…