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The world was fracturing around Isabelle Lightwood as she made her way through the back streets of Brooklyn. Sharp flashes of lightning illuminated the darkest corners of the gloomiest alleyways, setting her off balance. Icy rain pierced her skin as it tumbled from the sky above. She could feel it pouring down her skin like blood.
Every part of her body ached. Her legs, her back, her head. Her hands hurt worst of all, pain lancing through them as the tremored uncontrollably. She didn’t know where she was, or where she was going. Truthfully, at this point she didn’t care. But shit, how she craved for yin fen.
She couldn’t go back to Raphael’s. He wouldn’t let her in, not after what Alec did to him. She couldn’t go to Aldertree. Even coming down from her high she knew that he was up to no good. She’d been a Shadowhunter too long not to see the skeezy vibes rolling off that guy. Besides, going to the Institute would mean seeing Alec.
Fuck. Alec. If only he’d just kept to himself as per fucking usual. Couldn’t he just focus on his self-repression and single-minded drive to total self-destruction? Why was he such a damn saint, always having to follow the rules like a good little boy?
So caught up in her own brain, Izzy stumbled and fell hard onto the rough pavement, hitting her knee and head on the way down. Dizziness flooded through her veins as she lay there, tears mingling with the freezing rain on her cheeks.
She wished she could take it all back. She wished she could go back to before she ever accepted the yin fen from Aldertree. How much had she ruined because of that one decision?
She had ruined her relationship with Raphael. She had destroyed the trust Magnus had placed in her. She had hurt Alec when he was only trying to help her, and god knows what she had done to his relationship with Magnus. The one good thing in his life, the one thing that would save him from a lifetime of misery and responsibility, and she had ruined it.
The dizziness only increased as Izzy closed her eyes and sobbed, pins and needles flooding her limbs and her stomach churning out of control. If she died right here, right now, she would deserve it. She wished for it.
Suddenly there was a warm pair of arms surrounding hers, picking her up off the cold ground and holding her tightly. Barely able to see through her clumped lashes, she could only just make out Alec’s warm, hazel eyes.
“It’s okay, Izzy. I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”
Just the sound of his voice made her sob harder. What did she do to deserve her brother? Couldn’t he see that he’d be better off without her? He could just leave her here, go off and be with Magnus for the rest of his life.
She didn’t even notice the nausea in her gut ratcheting up a notch or ten until she could feel her throat convulsing. Hot, bitter, bile forced its way into her mouth, and suddenly she was choking and heaving and coughing up mouthfuls of vomit all over herself. The heaves seemed to continue for an eternity, each gag sending pain lancing through every corner of her body, each cough and gasp taking her one-step closer to choking on the bile that flooded her mouth.
Only when the heaves subsided and the pain dulled did she realise that Alec hadn’t let her go. She was pressed tightly to his chest, one of his hands supporting her neck while the other held her close, murmuring the whole time even though she couldn’t make out the words.
By the angel, how she wanted to apologise for being sick all over him, for dragging him out into the rain looking for her, for worrying him, for lying to him, for letting him down; but she couldn’t. She couldn’t feel any part of her body anymore, couldn’t open her eyes – let alone form a coherent sentence. A thick fog was filling her mind, clouding her every thought and feeling.
Vaguely she could feel Alec’s heartbeat and warmth through her skin, and hear his voice whispering to her. An involuntary cry of pain escaped her as he lurched to his feet, but as the fog pulled her further from reality and wakefulness, she could feel his fingers tracing against her skin – an apology, an attempt to soothe.
She didn't deserve Alec Lightwood.