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After Hawkeye meets Peg and Erin and they start their queer little family, Peg is surprised that he and BJ don't really drink much, considering what her husband had told her about the still, and Rosie's, and the O club.
She's surprised to see that BJ is even more careful around alcohol than before, except.
That's not right, exactly.
BJ wasn't careful about alcohol before the war, he didn't need to be, but now he never drinks more than a glass of wine around her, Erin, or Hawk.
She can understand that. Drinking got them through such a terrible time. To even think one might still need it now, when times are good, is impossible, unimaginable, so she doesn't say anything.
And then Jay Hunnicutt dies.
BJ disappears during the service, and Peg notices that Hawkeye starts to look worried, starts to worry herself when her husband isn't at the wake, and finally understands Hawkeye's demeanor when they come home and BJ is drunk and angry in their living room.
Peg puts Erin to bed and when she comes back and stands near Hawkeye her husband is ranting about loss and living fathers and how would Hawk even know what it's like, his father's just back in Maine-
But, of course, Hawkeye's lost his mother and besides, "That's not fair BJ" she says.
He wheels to face her and suddenly Hawkeye is in front of her and between them and both he and BJ flinch backwards.
BJ's face crumples and Hawk goes white and Peg in a sudden horrible moment understands why BJ barely drinks anymore.
Hawkeye and BJ speak simultaneously .
"I wasn't going to-"
"Beej I didn't mean to-"
Peg clears her throat and both men jump.
"I wasn't...Hawk I wasn't gonna. I wasn't. Please." BJ reaches out a hand, thinks better of it and pulls back, shaking.
Hawkeye is still ashen and looks guilty, but he speaks calmly. "I know Beej. I know. I just...reacted."
BJ nods, anger gone, and he seems almost sober, but he's still drunker than Peg has ever seen him, ever thought she would.
She can't speak for fear of breaking this fragile moment between her men, this moment of broken trust, this open and healing scar.
BJ looks lost, like a little boy, and Hawkeye is about to have a panic attack, even if he seems calm.
"I'm. I'll go sleep it off in the guest room. Peggy, can you. Stay?" With Hawk is unspoken, and Peg nods. He wanders off.
After a moment, Hawk collapses sobbing beside her.
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Later, after Peg has coaxed Hawk into their room and out of his panicked breathing, she asks what the hell that was about.
"You remember when Radar went home, how you and Erin met him at the airport and she called him 'daddy'?"
Peg nods.
"Beej didn't...take it well, and it brought up all this stuff about leaving you, and Erin, and eventually some of the stuff with me and T-Trapper, and-
She interrupts. "He got drunk. Really, really drunk."
"Yeah. Uh, he was. Jealous? And sad, and angry, and, and my god Pegs, everyone in camp relied on him, on, on us, and he was always so good , he made me better, made all of us better."
Peg smiles, brushes Hawkeye's hair out of his eyes. "He has that effect on people, our BJ. Always wants to take away everyone else's pain." Just like you she thinks, hand resting on his forehead.
"Yeah, that's our boy." Hawk smiles. "A-anyway, I think he wasn't dealing with it, so it all came spilling out, and I tried to help him, stop him before I really understood what was going on and uh. He destroyed the still, and um."
Hawks voice drops to a whisper. "He hit me."
Peg freezes, stricken. She’d suspected it would be like that, but hearing it was different. Her sweet goofy husband had actually hit someone as dear to him as Hawkeye. Hawkeye, who he loved.
It takes her a minute to register that Hawkeye had put his hands around her shoulders and was speaking urgently.
"-eggy? Sweetheart, whatever you're imagining, it wasn't like that. I grabbed onto him, trying to make him stop, and he lashed out.” He shakes her, gently. “I don't think he meant to hit me, not really, just get me to let go. I'm not sure he even realized what was happening or what he'd done until later, he ran out right after."
Peg pulls him close and clings to him, trying to push apologies and comfort and I wish that had never happened into Hawkeyes skin.
He pulls her back again so he can see his eyes, see he’s telling the truth. "It was before we started all this. He apologized as soon as I found him Peggy, and it never ever happened again. I don't think he could ."
"But you jumped in front of me tonight."
Hawkeye's answering smile is twisted and guilty. "Yeah, well, I think Sidney would have some clever observation about that, but I wasn't thinking . I trust him so much, I trust him with everything , but I didn't think . Dammit! "
He slams his hand against the floor, getting up to pace around the room, and Peggy's starting to really grasp what had just happened. She stands up, runs a careful hand along his arm.
"Like with Erin. How you couldn't hold her, could barely look at at her when you first got here. How, when it's bad..."
It's less often, the older Erin gets, but he still can't handle being near her on his bad days. He doesn't trust himself. He just reacts. Peg sighs.
"Go to bed Benjamin. We'll figure this out in the morning, okay?"
Hawkeye nods, and curls up on the king sized bed, all long limbs, exhausted. She climbs in after him, but feels BJ's absence.
From the way he shivers, so does Hawkeye.
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She wakes up before the sun rises, earlier then she's woken up since Erin was small, leaves Hawkeye alone in the big bed and goes looking for BJ.
She finds him in the living room, head in his hands. When he looks up, she can see he's been crying.
"Did you sleep at all?" She asks, and all he can do is shake his head no. He whispers something, and she moves closer. "What did you say?"
He sobs, panic in his breathing, and repeats, "Does he hate me?" Peggy covers her mouth. "D-did I break this? Break us?"
She's speechless and its the wrong thing because he starts to shake and cry harder, like he can't help it.
"Peggy please, I just, I need to know, I need him to know, I never would, never ever, not again" and he laughs bitterly.
"But that's what abusers ” his voice drips with venom, “always say, isn't it, so I can't even ask him to trust me-"
"I do trust you." comes Hawkeye's voice from behind them. He walks over and kneels beside BJ, takes his hands.
"Beej, I trust you, I do. I know you didn't mean to hurt me that night, and that you weren't gonna hurt Peggy last night." A terrible smile twists his lips. "I just reacted, pure stupid hindbrain instinct , no room for rational thought,” He runs his thumb along BJ’s cheek, softens his voice. “-or to tell myself that this is Beej, that he'd never hurt me on purpose."
BJ opens his mouth and Hawk shushes him. "Not even then, not even that night. It was a damn accident Beej, and I know that, even if my body hasn't figured it out yet."
"Can you forgive me?" BJ asks, raw and broken open.
"I already have."
BJ shakes his head, disbelieving. “That’s too easy Hawk.”
Hawkeye’s eyes are wide and wild. "No, no Beej, please, I wouldn't be here if I hadn't, if I didn't believe, if, if I wasn't sure ."
BJ throws his arms around the other man, sobbing with relief and regret.
Peggy moves closer, wraps her arms around her partners and they all slip to the floor, sad and broken and knitting themselves back together.
The war took so much from her and her boys. Hawkeye's sanity, BJ's faith in himself, Erin's chance for a sibling.
She's glad it won't take this from them too.