Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Lena?” Alex sounds concerned as she suddenly notices that Lena is as pale as a ghost. Lena can't stop the shivering that takes over, as the rapidly cooling air begins to lick at the damp skin of her face, and neck. She feels cold without Kara's warmth to keep her warm. Her clothes are soaked, and Lena can feel her skin grow cold and wrinkly beneath it. But what's worse is knowing what that dampness is. In fact, it's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. Lena’s eyes glaze over, as she stares at the place where Kara had taken her last breaths with Lena. Lena is suddenly lost. She's stranded in the dark and the cold, without her sun to keep her warm. Kara. Kara is gone. “Lena, hey,” Alex's voice softens as she recognizes the haunted look in Lena's eyes. It's as if the younger woman is a thousand miles away. "Look at me," Alex orders Lena gently. But her words fall on deaf ears, and Lena doesn't comply.

Lena feels her remaining strength desert her, as she becomes overwhelmed by the grief and the pain that threatens to swallow her whole.

Alex’s last words from before suck away what little hope Lena had left.

Lena's eyes dart around frantically for several moments, taking in as much detail as she possibly can. She feels like she's seeing things for the first time, which is weird because they've been here for what seems like hours.

At first, Lena's eyes slide over the dark red pool staining the concrete, but then her gaze moves back to it, before becoming stuck there.

Lena drops to her knees as her gaze focuses on the deep pool of blood staining the concrete. She can't seem to help it.  And unfortunately, no matter how much she tries to do so, Lena can’t bring herself to look away. Lena starts doing rapid calculations in her head, trying to account for the large volume of blood that has been left behind in Kara’s wake. There’s just so much of it. Was it one liter of blood Lena was seeing? Two? More? Lena silently wracks her brain, struggling to recall how much blood loss a human was capable of surviving before inevitably succumbing to their injuries.

Because Kara had been human at the time of her injury. And that thought terrifies Lena more than anything.

Lena suddenly feels like she is going to be sick. The sight, the smell, and the feel of the sticky red substance coating her hands, is all too much for her to handle. She actually gags, as she feels her stomach turn. She’s never been one to be squeamish when it came to the sight of blood. After all, she’d seen the worst of the worst when it came to this kind of stuff. But the fact is, she’d never been prepared for this. She couldn’t bear the knowledge that it was Kara’s blood staining her hands, her knees, and her clothes.

Lena loses her battle, and starts retching violently. She feels every muscle in her stomach protest, as her nausea quickly runs away with her. Her esophagus and throat burn in a fiery hell, as her stomach’s contents push their way up and out. Lena tries to swallow them back down at the last moment, but it’s unfortunately too little too late. The acidic contents spray everywhere, splattering the concrete beneath her.

“Lena,” Alex’s voice is gentle, as she drops to her knees beside her. She carefully turns Lena’s gaze away from the scene, while quickly and methodically gathering the loose hair from around Lena’s face. She pulls it up and out of the way, and holds it in her hands as Lena’s stomach continues to turn itself inside out. Alex tries not to flinch as Lena vomits all over the concrete right in front of her.

Lena’s body starts shaking violently, as the nerves, and everything else that had been held off by the adrenaline, return with a vengeance.

Lena starts sobbing uncontrollably as she completely loses hold of her emotions again. She’s been trying to hold them back for so long, ever since she’d found Kara on the concrete minutes before. But she can’t do it anymore. The pain she feels in her chest is beyond any of her wildest imaginings. Her heart has been shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces. And Lena knows that she’s never going to be able to put it together again. At least not without Kara.

The violent sobs echo throughout the night, bouncing off of nearby buildings, and drowning out all other distant screams. Alex closes her eyes as she tries to shut out the sounds. Lena’s cries almost sound like screams, they are so full of pain and anguish. It speaks to the pain that Alex feels in her own chest.

Alex starts rubbing gentle circles on Lena’s back between her shoulder-blades, as she tries to calm and comfort her. A second wave of nausea slams into her, and Lena vomits again. Alex desperately tries to ignore how Lena’s vomit splatters onto her pants and shoes. It’s gross, sure, but the grossness of it all is largely overshadowed by the level of Lena’s distress. Lena was beyond broken, and Alex has no idea how to put her back together again. There isn’t anything that Alex can do to ease this pain. Because she’s pretty sure that the only person that could help Lena through something like this is Kara. And Kara is gone.

Ever so slowly the pool of liquid in front of Lena starts sinking into the jagged, uneven cracks of the concrete. It finds the places where the concrete has been worn away, or has cracked apart during the rare freeze thaw cycles of winter. Once it finds these places, the discolored liquid slowly migrates towards the grate on the side of the street, before it finally, and mercifully disappears from sight.

“Shh,” Alex soothes her gently. “Shh, it’s okay. It's okay, Lena. Just let it all out.”

“I’m sorry,” Lena cries weakly. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alex tries to reassure her, “I know that it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it’s okay. I’m not even bothered by it, I promise.”

“It’s not,” Lena almost hisses. “None of this is okay.”

“I know,” Alex agrees calmly. And Lena hates her just a little bit for being so calm about all of this. In fact, a small part of her resents Alex for being able to handle her emotions better than Lena can.

After all, Lena is supposed to be the one who is best at compartmentalizing them. But Lena can't do it this time. She can't handle these feelings, and this loss. “She’s gone, Alex. I loved her, and now she’s gone.” Lena sobs harder.

“I know-” Alex’s breath hitches as she struggles to hold it together herself, “I know it hurts.”

Alex abandons all pretenses and pulls Lena into her arms, knowing that the brunette needs her comfort now more than ever. Alex nearly loses it herself when she feels Lena’s gut wrenching sobs. In fact, Lena is sobbing so hard, that she isn’t even breathing properly anymore, and Alex has to periodically remind the younger woman to breathe.

“Breathe,” Alex whispers as Lena clings to her like Alex is her sole lifeline in a sea of uncertainty and devastation. “Come on, Lena,” Alex presses, “You have to breathe. It’s… it’s going to be okay. I know you’re hurting, but I’ve got you. You’re safe with me. I promise.”

“I miss her,” Lena sobs brokenly into Alex’s neck and shoulder. And Alex feels those words in her soul. The truth is, she already misses Kara so much. And she knows exactly where Lena is coming from.

“I miss her too,” Alex admits in a thick, broken sounding voice. Alex is hurting too. In fact, she feels like nothing short of an absolute mess of devastation and hurt inside. But she also knows that she has to be strong. She has to be incredibly brave for Lena, because she knows that Lena has just lost the love of her life (whether Lena was fully ready to admit that or not). And she’d promised Kara that she would take care of Lena, if something were to ever happen to her. Of course, Alex didn’t ever think that something would actually happen, or that she would actually lose her sister. But a promise was a promise. And Alex would honor that promise, just like Kara always honored hers.

For the last several months, Lena had been made an honorary member of the Danvers family, perhaps without ever really knowing so. But the second that Kara admitted to her feelings for Lena during their private conversation all of those weeks ago, Lena had become another sister to Alex.

She knew Kara cared for Lena like family. And so, therefore, Alex had come to care about Lena like a sister of her own. She was Alex’s family now, and family had to be cared for.

“It hurts,” Lena manages to get out between broken sobs. “God it hurts so much. I know she said I could do this, but I can’t. I can’t do this without her, Alex.”

“I know,” Alex tells her, honestly. “I know. The truth is, I don’t think I can do this either. But maybe we can get through this, if we lean on one another.” Then. “So lean on me, okay? And I’ll lean on you when I need it. You may not know it yet, but we’re...we’re family now, Lena. We’re family, and I’m not going to let you break.”

“Is this what it feels like to lose someone you love?” Lena’s chest nearly rends itself apart with the force of her sobs.

“Yes,” Alex admits. “I think so. All I know is that losing Maggie felt like this. But god, even this feels worse somehow.”

“It hurts so badly, I...I feel like I want to die,” Lena confesses. “In fact, I’m pretty sure that death would be preferable, easier than this...this pain I feel.”

“Lena-” Alex’s heart breaks even more as Lena starts sobbing into her neck. She feels the wetness of the tears on her skin, and the warm puffs of hiccuping breaths that follow Lena’s broken sobs. She hears Lena sniffle loudly, as the brunette tries futilely to suck the snot back in that is threatening to escape her nose. Alex just holds her tightly, not caring that the shoulder of her shirt is covered in a thin sheen of snot and tears. After all, nothing else mattered apart from Lena right now.

She’s never seen Lena lose it like this before, and so she knows that Lena must be in agony. She must be hurting in a way that the younger Luthor had never hurt before. Which was shocking to Alex. Because if Alex knew one thing, it was that Lena had lost a lot in her lifetime. This depth of emotion...this degree of pain and suffering can only mean one thing. Lena had been in love with her sister too.

Alex suddenly feels herself pulled out of the moment, by the sirens that are growing ever closer.

The realization strikes her like a blow to the face.

She knows then that they have to get out of there. They have to clear the scene before the Police, Fire, and EMS personnel can reach them, or they never will. They’ll be tied up endlessly under questioning, as they’re asked to recount exactly what had transpired on this spot.

And having to talk about what happened - about losing Kara – would not help with their healing process. They both needed time before they had to put themselves through this again.

“Shit,” Alex breathes.

“What?” Lena looks alarmed as she pulls her head from Alex’s shoulder. “What is it?”

“We… We have to get out of here,” Alex tells her in as even a voice as she can manage. “The Police are coming, and I’m afraid that we can’t be here when they arrive.” Alex’s breath hitches, as Lena shifts against her.

“I’m gonna try and pick you up, okay?” Alex tells her. “But I’m still pretty badly hurt, so I don’t know how this is going to go. Just...Just hold onto me, okay? And don’t let go. Not for anything.” She feels Lena nod against her, and Alex starts positioning herself appropriately. She manages to get her hands where she needs them, placing one one hand under Lena’s knees, and the other behind her back. Alex plants her legs where she feels most comfortable, and starts gingerly lifting Lena from the concrete, using the strength from her legs. Alex feels muscles and bones protest as a result, and cries out in pain.

“You okay?” Lena asks her. “Alex, you’re hurt. You need to put me back down. I don’t want you to make the injuries any worse.”

“It’s okay,” Alex tells her, before gritting her jaw. “I got this. Just hold onto me like I said, and everything will be okay.”

Lena nods and wraps her arms around Alex’s neck. She buries her face into Alex’s shoulder again as she continues to cry. Though the tears are mostly silent this time.

They seep from her eyes without the gut-wrenching sobs that had been accompanying them previously.

When they get to the nondescript black SUV, Alex carefully opens the back door of the utility vehicle and helps Lena into the back. She shuts the door with a dull thud, and rushes around the front of the vehicle, before wrenching open the Driver’s side door. She hops in, slams the door shut, turns over the key in the ignition, and waits for the SUV to roar to life, all in one fell swoop. Before Lena knows it, they’re speeding off into the night with a squeal of their tires, and the faint smell of burning rubber.

The next few minutes pass in a blur.

Alex speeds through the city, towards what remains of the DEO. She carefully avoids all of the debris, and wreckage left behind in the battle’s wake.

The roads are largely deserted, apart from the few emergency service personal that are still out and feebly trying to hold the city together at the seems. But it’s a futile effort. From what Lena can tell in her observations, over a third of the city has been destroyed.

It is nearly unfathomable.

She can’t help but wonder. How could such a large, booming, and thriving city be shaken to its knees in such a small amount of time? The battle between Reign and the Worldkillers had lasted mere minutes, but its devastation would be felt for months, maybe even years to come. The thought is oddly discouraging, and Lena feels more defeated and dejected than ever before. She feels like she’s lost everything. She lost Kara, and she doesn’t even know if L Corp was still standing.

There’s an eerie orange glow being cast over the city. And Lena quickly realizes that its because many of its city’s tallest skyscrapers are on fire. It’s not just ones in the immediate vicinity, either. Buildings all over the city are burning. Hundreds of floors reduced to nothing more than hot, igneous flame. Smoke is quickly filling the air outside, turning the visibility in the city to almost nothing.

“Oh my god,” Lena breathes. “The city! It looks like the whole city is burning.”

“Here,” Alex says as she reaches back with something in her hand. “You’re probably going to need this.” Lena quickly recognizes the object in Alex’s hand as an N-95 mask. An N-95 mask is designed filter out fine particulates from the air. It could be used to protect it’s wearer from diseases like Tuberculosis, or from breathing in small toxic particles like smoke and ash. Lena quickly fastens the mask over her nose and mouth, pinching it so it fit tightly over her nostrils. She can feel her own breaths heat her face beneath it. But her breathing is easier now. And she doesn’t feel like she’s choking anymore.

Large embers flutter in gusts of wind, blowing to and fro between the tall buildings, before inevitably landing to the ground below. And unfortunately, some of these embers quickly catch the brittle trees and grass on fire. Some of these embers are also unlucky enough to fall onto the rooftops of shorter buildings, lying hundreds of feet below the towering and flaming behemoths, catching those on fire too. Lena can’t help but fear that all of National City will be burning before the morning. This was a disaster of unprecedented proportions. And Lena is half convinced that this will be the greatest disaster in all of earth’s recorded history, with hundreds of thousands of lives lost.

“I’d tell you not to look,” Alex says, “But I don’t think you’d be able to help it.”

“How did this happen?” Lena asks her. “I thought Kara kept the fighting largely contained.”

“Lena,” Alex swallows, “Even Kara couldn’t have prevented this from happening. They’re called Worldkillers for a reason. They were sent here to destroy and break the whole world.” Alex sighs. “Unfortunately, Kara was largely focused on Reign, which gave Pestilence and Purity plenty of time to wreak their own havoc on this city.”

“I… I still can’t believe-” Lena’s voice is thick as she tries to speak. “What are we going to do?” Lena asks her.

“I wish I knew the answer to that,” Alex admits.

“Is the DEO still standing?” Lena questions.

“Yes,” Lena sees Alex nod at her in the rearview mirror. “Mercifully, the DEO and L-Corp buildings are still largely intact. I’ve given orders to do whatever it takes to keep it that way.”

“And why is L-Corp important enough to deserve such protections?” Lena can’t help but question.

“Because someone has to lead the people of this city when it comes time to rebuild,” Alex answers her. “And I can’t think of anyone better to do that, than you. Especially with all of the technologies that you have at your disposal.”

“What?”

“Kara told me that if anyone in this city would be smart enough or tenacious enough to save this city from ruin, it would be you,” Alex admits. “She actually had a list of resources that you have at your disposal. And after seeing it, I’m inclined to agree.”

“You’re serious?” Lena nearly chokes on the air in her lungs. “But how would she-” Lena starts to ask, before she realizes exactly how Kara had known. “Oh,” Lena gasps in realization. Work was something that had never been off-topic for the two of them. And if Kara was good at one thing, it was getting Lena to open up to her about anything. The fact is, Kara had always been so good at making Lena feel safe. And that trust she felt, made Lena feel like she could tell Kara everything in confidence without fearing it would be made public.”

“I wouldn’t have thought she would turn over that information to anyone,” Lena says with a tinge of hurt in her voice.

“Well, let’s just say that I can be very persuasive,” Alex jokes. She offers Lena a crooked smile. “Look, she didn’t want to do it, okay? But it’s also a hell of a compliment that she nominated you for the role. She actually said that you were her hero. And if you could be hero to the one and only Supergirl, I’m sure that you could be a hero to the people of National City, too.”

“She really did believe in me, didn’t she?” Lena feels her heart shatter, as she realizes how wrong about everything she had been these last few weeks. “She never stopped trusting me, even though I convinced myself she-”

“Lena,” Alex sighs, “As I’ve said before, my sister was not above human emotions. She may have suffered though a period of doubt. But I can promise you… she never stopped believing in you. She just… She let her fears get the better of her. I don’t think you realize. There was nothing that scared my sister more than Kryptonite. Nothing. And I think that after tonight, you can probably see why.”

“I-” Lena feels the tears begin anew. “Alex, I know that it’s not enough to say this, but I’m so sorry. It’s… It’s my fault that all of this is happening.”

“I know,” Alex nods, “I know you are, Lena. But it’s not your fault. None of what happened is your fault.”

“I-” Lena begins, but Alex doesn’t let her protest.

“Lena,” Alex lets out a levied breath before she says, “Look, I say this out of love, okay? But you have to stop blaming yourself for everything. Because it’s driving me insane. This... This isn’t your fault. The Daxamite invasion wasn’t your fault. Sure, you may have played a role in both. But the fact is, we all played a role in it. Even Kara’s family played a role in it. Why do you think she was willing to give so much? Her parents were responsible for a lot of this. What Kara did? It was just as much about her clearing her conscience as it was about saving yours.”

Lena feels herself jolted forward in the seat as Alex has to break suddenly in order to avoid slamming into a car that’s only just come into view. The visibility outside is practically nil, now. Lena’s jaw drops as she realizes the car is upside down in the middle of the street.

Lena notices with another pang of surprise, that there is are an extremely large number of cars that are littering the middle of the street. And most of them are either upside down, or turned on their sides.

Many fire hydrants have also been destroyed, and are spraying geysers into the air, spilling thousands of gallons of water onto the street, and flooding the sidewalks with water. It’s heartbreaking to see. Because Lena knows that the water will be desperately needed when it comes time to fight the fires quickly taking over the city.

Lena watches in dazed fascination as Alex is forced to drive through a deep puddle on the side of the street, and water sprays out in all directions.

Lena tears her eyes away from the edge of the street then, and looks around some more.

Some of the side streets they pass are riddled with craters, like the one where Kara had been lost.

There are also boulders the size of small refrigerators, littering some of the streets, thus making them impassable.

There is complete and utter destruction in every direction, and Lena doesn’t know how she, or anyone else for that matter, will be able to save this city. This was like something out of a post-apocalyptic movie. And Lena would know plenty about post-apocalyptic movies. After all, Kara made her watch enough of them at Kara’s behest.

Lena swallows hard, as she realizes that countless people are out in the smoke, ash, and dust, looting stores that have been destroyed in the fight. She silently wonders why they would risk their lives and safety for a few piddly electronics and cans of food. But she also fears that in the days and weeks to come, those cans of food, and bottles of water will be a precious commodity. In fact, when she has a chance to think about it. Those small items might very well be the difference between life and death.

No, Lena thinks, and silently resolves. I won’t let that happen. I’m not going to let people of this city suffer like that. Not if I can help it. Kara’s trust in me won’t be wasted.

Many of the storefronts on street level have been utterly destroyed or broken.

Glass litters the sidewalks for blocks, twinkling in the waning light, and Lena reckons that most of the windows have been blown out from the various gas explosions that have riddled the city.

And perhaps, some had been blown out in areas where Reign and Supergirl flew by at low altitude.

Some electronics and other objects lay forgotten where they’d been dropped in people’s haste to get away with as much stuff as possible. Large TV screens bore cracks from where they’d been shattered upon their impact with the ground. It was an absolute mess. And Lena knew that it would be weeks or months before the city could clean up the devastation.

The fact is, Lena was starting to think that the city would never be able to fully recover.

Some buildings were barely left standing, and Lena feared that the smallest breeze would knock them down. Visions of 9/11 flash through Lena’s mind, and as a result as Lena can’t help the fear that goes surging through her as a result. All the hair on her arms stands on end, as she has visions of buildings collapsing onto the streets below. What happened on 9/11 had been nightmarish enough, but this? This had the potential to be even worse. Because from what Lena has seen of the city so far, there is going to be no way to get help or resources to the areas where they are needed. At least on 9/11 they could get equipment and personnel to the site in order to start the search and recover process. But in this instance, that was looking like an impossibility.

In a fit of curiosity, Lena decides to roll down the back window of the SUV. She hastily stiffens as she realizes she can hear countless screams over the sirens in the distance. How had she not noticed them before? After all, now that she was aware of them, she couldn’t stop hearing them. And God. When she thinks of how all of those screams were attached to people – people all in desperate need of help - she can’t help but shut down as a result. There had to be thousands people out there screaming for somebody to hell them. And at a time where the city needed her the most, Kara was gone.

People are trapped, and without Kara there to save them, Lena doesn’t know how many lives will be lost.

“Maybe it’s a good thing she’s not here to hear them,” Lena breathes aloud.

“It would have destroyed her,” Alex answers her, causing Lena to jump. Lena had clearly forgotten she wasn’t alone.

Alex meets Lena’s misting eyes in the rearview mirror, as she continues. “It always killed her when someone was in need and she couldn’t help them. Honestly, if she were here, she wouldn’t stop...she wouldn’t rest until everyone in this city had been saved. And I, nor anyone else, would have been able to get her to stop.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy,” Lena whispers.

“It isn’t,” Alex swallows thickly. “In fact, it’s one of the things that I’ve tried to change about her in the last couple of years. But...But I finally realized that...that’s just the kind of person she is.” Then. “You could have taken it all away. You could have stripped Kara of her Superpowers, and even then she would still be a hero. You want to know why? It’s because she cares. She cares, Lena. Just like you, and me, and James, and everyone else out there that gets up every day to fight the good fight. The fact is, she couldn’t not go out there and do what she did.” Alex laughs as she remembers the beginning. The beginning of it all. “And believe me, I actually begged her not to. That day after she saved my plane from crashing? I screamed at her. I begged her not to follow in Superman’s footsteps. But it… it was her calling. She had this innate need to help people. And it would have been impossible for Kara to be happy, if she couldn’t do it.” Alex sighs. “The fact is, she would sooner collapse from exhaustion, than give up on anybody. And even then, she would be back out there on the streets again before long.”

“She should be here,” Lena whispers. “She should be here to help them. Not me.”

“I know you feel that way,” Alex agrees, “But I have to think that Kara knew what she was doing. The truth is, you’re far better than you ever give yourself credit for, Lena. And in order for my sister to have loved you the way that she loved you, you have to be.”

“You’re putting a lot of expectations and a lot of responsibility on my shoulders,” Lena says calmly as she shoulders hunch a little in defeat. She feels the weight of that responsibility, now.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, they arrive at the parking garage below the DEO. Alex speeds to a stop inside of the parking garage, and turns off the engine. She throws open the door, hops out, slams the door shut, and rushes around the back of the vehicle, in order to pull open the back door, where Lena is waiting.

“Can you walk?” Alex asks her, and Lena thinks about it for a moment before she nods. She doesn’t quite trust her voice at the moment. After all, it was still raw from her sobs. But she thinks she can do it, with some help.

“Come on,” Alex encourages her, as she carefully helps Lena from the back of the SUV and wraps an arm around Lena’s middle. “I’ve got to get inside. J’onn left me in charge of DEO, and I’ve gotta try and contain this situation before it gets any worse. Are you going to be okay on your own for a little bit while I do that?”

“Yeah,” Lena swallows. “Yeah, I think so,” Lena whispers.

Chapter Text

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

For some reason, those very words keep echoing through J’onn’s mind as he flies North as quickly as he can possibly manage.

Shortly after landing on Earth, J’onn had become fascinated with this poem. In fact, he’d once picked it apart line by line, in an effort to fully understand it. His English back then hadn’t been very good, but as he’d learned more and more about the English language and its many nuances during his time on Earth, he kept coming back to this one particular poem. He’d learned a great deal about humanity this way, and had come to admire its fighting spirit.

He could relate to it in a way that most people could never fully understand. He had seen death come for his family. He’d watched it take them from him one by one, and it had taken them far too easily, as if it hadn’t really been a fight at all. For much of his life, death had been a villainous thing. It had taken J'onn a long time to overcome the guilt he felt at being left alive, when death had taken everything he'd ever known.

Someone very special to J'onn once told him that there was no shame in surviving. J'onn tried to remember this whenever the guilt threatened to run away with him.

But now, with so much riding on his shoulders, J’onn rebels. He refuses to accept the fact that death conquers all. He refuses to let it take one of the strongest women that he has ever known, a woman he loves like a daughter.

Kara is a woman he admires very much. After all, she and Alex had been the ones to pull him out of the depths of his despair, when he’d thought it all but impossible. They were the family that he never thought he would have. And he refuses to give it all up for lost.

One thing that J’onn had learned over the last couple of years is that he can’t fly as far or as fast as Supergirl or Superman can at the height of their strength, but he also knows he can still go pretty damned fast when he puts his mind to it. And J’onn was currently giving this flight his everything. If he never flew again, he would accept it. So long as it meant that he got there a little faster this time.

J’onn constantly fought for more speed, resolving to go faster, fly faster than he ever had before. He knew that everything was riding on his success. Kara’s life was literally in his hands, and he wouldn’t fail her. He would not lose her. Not now, not ever. He flat out refused to lose another that he loved. Death had taken enough.

J’onn closes his eyes and thinks briefly of his little girls. He thinks of the family he had before on Mars. It was a period of his life that seems so utterly lost to him now. He was a different person now. And that life? That life, though however wonderful, could not be his anymore. It hurts. The truth is, he usually made every effort not to think about it, because it still tortured him endlessly with guilt. But he can’t help but think of them now. For a moment, he remembers how powerless he had been to save them. And he can suddenly feel the pain of it all over again. J’onn J'onzz had not been a strong man, a hard man. He was not like the man that J’onn was now. He was not cynical. He was not tough. J’onn can’t help but wonder how different his life might have been if he had been. Maybe his family would still be alive. Maybe he would still have his wife, and his two little girls.

Their faces flash through his mind, and J’onn nearly screams out in anguish.

He prays that they will give him the strength that he needs. He is getting so very tired now, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can hold on.

He feels powerless. He hadn’t been able to protect them, just like he’d been unable to protect Kara.

Kara was dying, and he couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault.

No, it would not do. After all, what good did dwelling on the past do? He could not change it. All he could do now was learn from it. He could only resolve to do better this time.

“No,” J’onn says determinedly. “She won’t die. Not today. Not today.”

He would not fail. Not again. J’onn swallows and closes his eyes. A newfound sense of determination spreads across his expression like a mask. He wears it like a coat of arms.

He lets out a weighted breath, as his eyes open once more.

This is for you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you, but please - Please let me be strong enough to save her now.

J’onn cradles Kara’s lifeless body tightly against his own as he flies into the looming and ever-growing darkness in front of him. Behind him, the skies glow orange and red, as flames raze what remains of National City to the ground.

J’onn refuses to look back. The truth is, he can’t. He can’t bear to see his home burning. It’s bad. That’s all he needs to know. In fact, it looks as if the sun has set fire to the only world he knows, the only world he has left.

It has happened to him twice now. And just like on Mars, he’d been utterly powerless to stop it.

Fire had always been his greatest weakness. And the humans left behind would not fare any better than he. Which means that they stood no chance at all.

May god have mercy on their souls.

It was hard for him to turn his back on the city that meant so very much to him, but he had no choice now. There was no going back. After all, to go back, was to risk the deaths of countless civilians.

He has to protect humanity in the only way that he knows how. And that means getting Kara off of the planet.

The sun had set now, and he could feel the air grow ever cooler as he flew high over the clouds.

He tightens his form, quickly gaining speed as he soars into the Canadian wilderness, and as far away from civilization as he can possibly go. The wind whips around them, snapping Kara’s hair against the skin of his face, neck, and shoulder in a way that should be painful, but for some reason J’onn finds soothing. Her skin is cold to him now, growing colder and colder against him with each passing second. J’onn adjusts his grip, and Kara’s head tips back over his arm. It drops slightly, so that her chin points upwards into the sky, and her hair spills down, tickling the flesh of his forearm.

J’onn startles, losing precious momentum, as he notices the orange glow beneath her skin begin to flicker. It could only mean one thing. Kara was getting closer to death. She is freezing cold now, her body violently shaking under the smallest of breezes.

J’onn quickly starts winding Kara’s cape around her body in a feeble attempt to hold in what little warmth remains.

She has no muscle tone, and J’onn can feel her slipping away in his arms. Her pulse is fast and weak, and is growing weaker by the second. Even trying to see into her mind, warranted no results. She was lost to him now. No thoughts, no emotions. Just nothing. She was fighting for life. He could sense that she was still fighting. But all her energy was being put forth towards the simplest of life functions, like breathing.

Soon enough, Kara’s heart would stop completely.

And J’onn can only hope that Superman will be there for them when they land. Otherwise, Kara stood no chance at all.

Kara glows faintly in his arms, giving off hues of orange and white in the waning light, and growing darkness. From someone on the ground, he imagines that Kara will look like nothing more than a shooting star streaking across the sky.

Kara’s breaths are growing weak now, as she struggles to hang on. It sucks away what little hope he has left. Even with the injection of the isotope, Kara was still dying.

“Stay with me,” J’onn tells her with a thick voice. His voice quavers just a little as he says, “Stay with me, Kara. Come on. We’re almost there. Please, just hold on a little longer! I can’t lose you. I won’t… You and Alex, you’re my daughters. Don’t make me have to say goodbye to you too.” J’onn takes a deep breath, and begins reciting his poem from memory. He says the words out loud, so that Kara can hear him. He says the words to her like a prayer.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

When they finally grow close to his destination, J’onn graciously abandons his altitude, swooping down through the clouds and soaring over the forest below. He can see the tops of the trees sway below him, as wind gusts from his flight bend them slightly. They wiggle back and forth in his wake, before standing tall once more.

He flies out over a nearby lake, and drops down onto a dock on the far side. He immediately starts rushing for the bay doors, but turns back and looks as he detects movement behind him.

He turns just in time to see Superman land with a ground-shaking thud right behind him.

“I’m here! I’m here! And I’ve got it!” Superman announces as he holds up something for inspection. J’onn quickly notices that Superman is holding up a small cooler for inspection.

It is a cooler that J’onn knows to be full of blood – precious, Kryptonian blood.

It is one of the rarest resources on Earth, and it is finally where J’onn needs it to be.

Thank god.

Kara has a chance now.

Superman quickly falls into step beside J’onn, and together, they rush for the bay doors of the top-secret DEO facility.

“Good,” J’onn breathes to himself in relief.

“I’m sorry,” Kal apologizes, “I came as soon as I possibly could. But it wasn’t easy to get away. I don’t think I have to tell you, but it’s total chaos out there. The world is falling apart, J’onn.”

“It's okay,” J’onn tells him, his voice thick with emotion, “As far as I’m concerned, you’re right on time. Thank you. I… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I-”

“Hey-” Kal’s voice softens. Where Superman’s voice had been all business before, his voice was gentle and heartfelt now. “Hey,” J’onn can feel his throat grow tight as Superman places a gentle hand to J’onn’s shoulder. “She’s my family. The truth is, I can’t imagine being anywhere else in the world right now. I might not be the best in the world when it comes to this stuff, but… but I really do care about her. I’m trying.”

“Kal-”

“How is she?’ Kal-El asks worriedly, as he brushes a hand over Kara’s forehead. She’s cold, pale and diaphoretic.

“She’s alive,” J’onn replies honestly. “But only just barely. The truth is, I don’t know how much longer she can hang on. We have to start replacing her blood-loss right now, or we won’t have any hope of saving her.”

Superman is done waiting for the doors to open. He starts prying them open with his bare fingers.

Besides, he can always fix them later, when his cousin’s life isn’t hanging in the balance.

As soon as the doors open, they are moving inside at a sprint. 

“Help,” J’onn shouts, frantically. “I need a medical team over here!”

“Director!” a familiar face has J’onn breathing out a sigh of relief. He knows this man. He knows he can trust this man.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t call in ahead, but my earpiece was destroyed in the fight and there was no time,” J’onn apologizes.

“Don’t worry about it,” Doctor Carter replies. He looks ready for just about anything. J'onn envies the man, for being so calm about it. “What do you have for us?”

“She’s got major penetrating trauma to the chest,” J’onn tells him quickly. J'onn is visibly shaking as the adrenaline from his flight over leaves his body amped up for a fight. J'onn tries to hide it by curling his hands into fists, but he's sure that the doctor sees right through him. “She’s lost at least two and a half liters of blood. She’s going to need a transfusion.”

“Oh my...” The Doctor’s expression slips just a little bit when he suddenly realizes who his patient is.

“Alright, Director,” he responds calmly. “We’ll take it from here.”

“Are there any humans on base?” J’onn asks him.

“No. No, sir,” Carter replies. “It’s just us, I’m afraid.”

J’onn responds, “No. That’s actually a good thing. She’s been injected with a radioactive isotope that will kill anyone who is human, or susceptible to radiation. It’s sort of why I had to bring her here.”

“Wexler, call a Trauma alert! Now! It’s Supergirl,” Gavin shouts to one of the other personnel, as a nurse rushes over with a stretcher.

J’onn carefully sets Kara down on the cot. In fact, he does so so gently that it seems as if he is afraid she might break in half. Gavin starts to move, as if he is about to take her away, when J’onn panics and reaches out to stop him.

“Wait!” J’onn nearly cries, as he grabs him by the shoulder, “Gavin-”

“Whoa! Listen, it’s gonna be okay. We’re going to do everything we can to save her, okay?” Gavin tells J'onn in a gentle voice. He's so careful about his words that it seems as if he's afraid of startling J'onn. “I promise you that, Sir. She’s in really good hands. We’re...we're a good team. We practice for stuff like this all the time.”

“I know, but...”

“Dr. Hammond is one of the best trauma surgeons in the world, if not the very best,” Gavin assures him. “Look, I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to trust us, okay? I’ll let you know as soon as I know anything!”

J’onn is forced to watch helplessly as they start rushing Kara toward one of the trauma rooms. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world, to have to stand back and rely on someone else to save her. And yet, he has no choice.

This particular DEO facility had been shuttered for a number of years before J’onn found out about its existence. And on a whim, he’d decided to reopen it. He'd staffed it with a skeleton crew of trustworthy aliens, Xenobiologists, and medical staff. 

After Cadmus infiltrated the DEO, and the United States Military started taking over certain DEO facilities, J’onn had kept the knowledge of this particular facility a secret. He kept it a secret on the off chance that the DEO was ever compromised, and he needed a safe place to go. It paid off.

He knew there would come a time when a medical facility like this would be needed. He just never imagined that it would be so soon. Now, this place was Kara’s last and only hope.

J’onn follows slowly in the wake of the gurney, watching as the crew of medical personnel sprint down the hallway with the gurney carefully held between them. He can hear medical personnel rattling off what injuries they see as they start a rapid assessment.

As soon as they arrive at the designated trauma room, they rushed her inside. The door whirs shut, with a sense of finality, behind them. However, J’onn can still see and hear what is going on inside the room as they start tending to her.

“She’s not breathing!” Doctor Hammond announces. “I’ve got no radial pulse,” J’onn suddenly feels his blood go cold. “Does anyone else have a pulse?”

“I’ve got a pulse!” the words are shouted out into the room, with a sense of victory, “Right carotid.”

Superman rushes inside the room and hands off the cooler of blood to a nurse.

“It’s hers,” he announces to that same nurse, “So there’s no need to cross-type. We put some blood into storage not too long ago, in the event that we ever needed it. I don’t think either of us realized that we would need it so soon, but-” Kal trails off as they start cutting open Kara’s Supersuit. “I...I’ll just step out,” he says as he moves briskly from the room. The last thing Superman wants is to get in the way. He knows that he needs to let them do their job now.

“Alright,” the Doctor orders, “Let’s get her onto the table. We’ll go on three. Everybody got a hold?” He received nods from everyone around the cot. “Okay, on three! One, two, three!” J’onn watches helplessly as they transfer her to the table so that they can lay her flat.

“Okay, I need large bore IV’s in each arm,” he tells them, giving them instructions. “Then, as soon as they're in,  I want you to bolus blood, plasma, and Lactated Ringers into her as fast as it’ll go.” J’onn tunes the man out for a moment as he struggles to take in everything that is going on in that room. Fifty things seem to be happening all at once. And everything is moving so fast that J'onn feels as if he can barely keep up. He never expected that the medical team would be so exceptional.

Everybody in the room before him had a distinct role - a responsibility. They were all accomplishing their tasks with efficiency. 

Two people rushed over to the table, trying to pack gauze tightly into the wound in order to try and stop the blood flow.

“Carter, get me an airway!” Hammond orders, and the young blue-skinned Doctor quickly and eagerly complies. Kara’s jaw is quickly opened with a jaw-thrust maneuver, and J’onn looks on in horror as blood gurgles up past Kara’s tongue, teeth and lips, until it slithers in small tracks down the side of Kara’s face and neck.

“Shit, I need suction,” Carter announces, “I can’t see a damned thing! Her entire airway has been compromised.” A Yankauer quickly changes hands, and Carter hooks it up to the suction tubing. J’onn watches as a nurse hits a switch and the suction turns on. Carter starts suctioning what turns out to be an almost endless torrent of blood from Kara’s airway. In seconds, the container on the wall has to be replaced. Finally, the torrent slows down and stops. There was no more blood in Kara’s oropharynx.

“Damn!,” Doctor Hammond swears as he sees the amount of blood they’ve just pulled from her airway, “Alright, forget the large bore IV’s. There’s no time! Her pressure is crashing! Get me an I.O. Drill, and a stabilizer.” J’onn watches as the drill quickly changes hands. Then, Dr. Hammond locates the humeral head of Kara’s right arm and drills right into the bone, without missing a single beat. This is easy for him. He’s done this dozens, if not hundreds of times before.

With the sure hands of a trauma surgeon, he pulls out the needle, connects some extension tubing to the catheter, stabilizes it, and hooks up the fluids to it.. Then he starts pushing fluids into it as fast as he can get it to go.

“Alright, now get me those IV’s, Wentworth!” he orders. “I need at least two more lines.”

A nurse is already at it, trying to get a sixteen into the ante-cubital fossa of Kara’s left arm.

“Got it,” the nurse shouts victoriously, about ten seconds later. He hits the release, and drops the needle into a sharps container within arm's reach, before taping down the line and hooking up the line. J’onn watches as another nurse hangs a bag of blood and starts running a line in. He watches with morbid fascination as the deep red liquid snakes its way down into Kara’s arm almost languorously.

His only fear is that it doesn’t seem to be going into her fast enough. They need it to move faster.

“I’m not getting lung sounds on the left,” one of the nurses announces a beat later, “She’s got a Hemothorax. Whatever it is that caused this damage, it must have punctured her lung!”

“What about her heart?”

“Heart sounds are muffled. I think she’s got a tamponade,” she announces. “We’re losing her, Sir.”

“No, I am not losing her. Get me a chest tube!” Dr. Hammond says.

Eyes look on in horror, as Dr. Hammond picks up a scalpel from the tray. He quickly counts the intercostal spaces with his fingers, as he searches for the appropriate place, and cuts into Kara under the direction of a steady hand. In the blink of an eye, he is pushing plastic tubing into the incision. When he hits the appropriate depth, a deep red torrent quickly begins pushing its way out, splattering onto the floor. The sight of it makes J’onn sick. However, the Doctor doesn’t seem bothered by it.

I have lived in darkness
For all my life I've been pursued
You'd be afraid if you could feel my pain
And if you could see the things I am able to see

At the same time, Kara sees that same vacuum of existence threatening to take away everything she’s ever known. Her frantic heart barely manages to hold onto its staccato rhythm, somehow spurred on by the determination of the body that is its refuge, and a mind that intentionally pushes itself away from vindication in favor of holding onto life. Darkness gives way to light again, a light so bright that it almost blinds her, turning swirls of color into peaceful nothingness. Everything is uniform and monotonous. Everything is white.

Light begins to flicker, heartbeats fading in and out with every second that ticks past. There are people all around her, but Kara can’t seem to make them out.

She has a beating heart, but her lungs can’t seem to suck in air. The Kryptonite that encroached so very ruthlessly into Kara’s chest cavity has left her vital organs unable to perform their integral function. She is healing at an accelerated rate. But even that can’t seem to save her now. She needs surgery.

“Alright, get me an E.T. tube,” Hammond orders, as he grabs a laryngoscope and a MAC blade from the tray.

“What size?”

“7.0 mm,” he answers, as he pushes the curved blade into Kara’s cleared airway, depressing her tongue.

“She might still have a gag reflex, Sir,” one of the nurses warns him, as she notices Kara’s eyelids flicker.

“I know, but we still have to give this a shot,” he says. “We can’t afford to waste any more time. We’ve got to get oxygen into her lungs. She’s been without it for too long already. Go ahead and pull the drugs for rapid sequence intubation. And be ready with them, just in case.”

Sure enough, Kara’s autonomic reflex came into effect, just as the Doctor pushed inside far enough visualize Kara’s vocal cords. He started threading the intubation tube down Kara’s throat. As soon as it was in place, he quickly pushed air from the attached 10cc syringe into the balloon at the top of the tube, in order to hold it in place and seal off Kara’s airway. Kara gags, her jaw starting to clench down on the tube as it fights this newfound and unnatural obstruction in her throat.

“Okay, she’s fighting it,” he says sadly. “Push the RSI drugs,” he told the nurse. “I don’t want to take away her respiratory drive, but we have no choice.”

Kara has no notion of what is happening to her as she finds herself lost in the space between existence and nothingness. Still, her body fights the tubing separating her vocal cords.

The nurse feeds the drugs into her newly established I.V., and Kara finally stops fighting it.

“Alright,” he says, “Bag her, Nora.”

With a squeeze of a blue bag, Kara’s chest moves again for the first time in almost five minutes. It’s been nearly two minutes since her brain has been provided with oxygen. Because of this, she had been past the brink of death. But now... now she’s gloriously being given a second chance.

No one will ever be able to say what pulled her back, or what kept her tethered to this life rather than allowing her to move into the next. Even Kara didn’t seem to know. But she was a fighter, and she was going to fight.

There are some people out there who believe that when someone is taken so prematurely, they are given a choice between life and what lies beyond. Did Kara choose life? Or did life choose her? Perhaps Rao had seen a reason to intervene.

Unfortunately, an incredible amount of damage had already been done. And although blood was currently being pumped into her body in a vain attempt to replace the amount that had been lost, Kara was still severely lacking precious plasma and blood cells. Tanned skin that used to be so stunningly beautiful was now void of color.

The pale pallor of Kara’s skin serves as a testament as to her ongoing struggle. No words can possibly describe the incredible strain on Kara’s body. It was like a mortal trying to hold up the entire sky.

Still, she fights. Her mind grabs onto the only sensation that is left in her body. The pain.

Of course, anyone in their right mind would do their best to avoid that particular sensation. It’s the one thing in life that seems to build on itself more and more with each passing minute. Pain has the unique ability to drive one mad, to torture and torment. And yet, Kara clings to it as tightly as she can, knowing full well that it will cause her unbearable misery. She welcomes it. She is almost desperate for it, because she knows that it is the only thing tying her to life - to Lena, Alex, and to so many more. Carefully, Kara holds on.

I hail from the dark side
For all my life I've been besieged
You'd be scared living with my despair
And if you could feel the things I am able to feel

It is like a sick game of tug of war. All she can do is plant her feet, and hope that they hold up against the monumental forces trying to pull her away from the only life she’s ever known. Unbearable forces are threatening to pull them right out from under her, causing Kara to scream out like an animal not afraid to unleash its rage. She can feel her feet move. Inch by inch by inch she’s being carried away. Internally, Kara roars.

Break me out, break me out
Let me flee
Break me out, break me out
Set me free

But no one seems to hear her. No one except for J’onn, who hunches over and screams along with her.

“Turn her on her side!” Dr. Hammond orders. Gentle hands groped behind Kara’s right shoulder and began lifting her up. As they begin to get a better grip, those hands slip behind Kara’s back and roll her away from them. With a push forwards, Kara is on her side.

A young nurse squeezes at the bag rhythmically, as two others check her back for the exit wound. They find it quickly. It’s then that they realize the hot water she’s in. The Doctor notices it too.

“God almighty,” he breathes. “It hit her heart. We’ve got to get her to the OR now!” Heads bob in agreement, placing her onto a board, and then quickly onto the portable stretcher.

In a rush of pixilated colors, things start to come back, only to be ripped away when Kara’s heart gives out on her again.

“Shit! Her heart has stopped,” a voice thunders, “Push one of epi.” In a seemingly futile effort, a syringe of liquid adrenaline (epinephrine) is pushed into one of Kara’s veins. But without a beating heart, everybody in the room knows that the liquid will not get far. Hence, the compressions begin. J'onn watches as one of the nurses ruthlessly pushes down on the center of Kara's chest in a fast rhythm. She pushes down with her full weight, and J'onn flinches as he hears the crack of those ribs. Between each compression, the nurse allows for recoil, allowing the heart to refill with blood. She counts in an even, fast rhythm, as one of the other nurses readies the paddles in the room. J’onn swallows thickly as the paddles are rapidly brought into the picture. With a whine, one of the nurses charges the machine, while the other squirts gel onto the metal paddles so that they can transfer the shock to Kara’s body appropriately. J’onn watches in numb horror as she brings them down on Kara’s chest. One on the right side of Kara’s chest, and the other under Kara’s left armpit.

“Clear!” The nurse in charge of the compressions abruptly stops and jumps away from the body.

“Clear." Everyone in the room verifies they are not in contact with Kara’s body.

Then the nurse squeezes the trigger. In a surge of energy, Kara’s body jolts, as if it is being controlled by a very morbid puppet master. Muscles throughout the whole of Kara’s body clench simultaneously, seeking life… seeking something tangible. However, things don’t take in the way they all hope.

J’onn suddenly knows. She’ll have to take another shock. “Increase the charge!”

“Clear!”

Break me out, break me out
Let me flee
Break me out, break me out
Set me free

The next time Kara wakes, everything feels different.

Kara takes a voracious breath as her body begins to wake and adjust to consciousness. She is still close enough to sleep to be utterly relaxed. Kara’s breaths are still deep enough to stretch her ribcage. Kara sighs, relishing in how wonderful it feels to be able to breathe without so much pain and effort.

It was painless, it was wonderful.

Kara moans. She hums softly in contentment.

Rao, Kara couldn’t ever remember experiencing something quite so wonderful.

She simply wants nothing more than to sink into the perfectly soft mattress she’s lying on, and live there, in this warm, soft version of heaven. Forever.

Kara turns her head away from the window, as the warm orange glow relentlessly permeates her thin eyelids. She lets out a groan of lamentation, as she is loath to accept the fact that morning has in fact come, despite her best wishes to the contrary. She stirs again, making the lengthy transition between a serene dream-like state, and what she knows now to be reality. She rolls over with a huff, and buries her face into the pillow. She's not willing to get up. Not yet, at least.

As much as she wants to put off the rest of her responsibilities, she knows that she has no choice. She has to get up. After all, there is so much work to be done. She has a pile of articles on her desk that need to be edited and turned in to her boss, meetings to attend to, and more importantly, people to see. And, at best, Kara has calculates that there can be only a few more minutes of indolence in store for her, before her annoying and relentless alarm clock will begin to go off. She needs to get up.

Kara turns her head, so her face is no longer buried in her soft pillow, and lets her eyes flicker open. For a moment she lays completely still in the morning light.

As her eyelids part, the warm orange glow morphs into bright rays of sunlight. They are brighter than she expects, and for a moment Kara squints against the obtrusive light. She silently curses herself for not remembering to shut the blinds before she’d drifted off to sleep, and lifts her free hand to her face in an effort to try and wipe the tiredness from them.

Then Kara realizes something for the first time.

It suddenly jolts her to life, and her eyes shoot back open. After all, her discovery is troublesome to say the least. The rays of light coming in through the window should be yellow, not red.

“Oh Rao,” Kara breathes to herself, as she practically vaults off of her bed.

She is suddenly wide awake, as she rushes over to her window.

She’s so bothered by this singular thought that she doesn’t even bother to look at anything else in the room.

What she sees when she reaches the window, however, leaves little to no doubt in her mind. She’s not on Earth. She’s not even alive.

Everything suddenly comes rushing back. From the fight between her and Reign, to her tearful goodbyes with the ones she loved, to the cold table in the brightly lit room, and finally to the sound of her name urgently slipping from the lips hidden behind a white surgical mask. She remembers slipping away on that table, and remembers the white light obliterating everything she once knew.

Kara lets out a groan and lets her head drop forwards against the window with a dull thump. She does not want to have to face what she knows is coming. Kara suddenly has a crisis of conscience.

Hadn’t she been comforted by the feeling that she would see her family again? Hadn’t she wanted to step out into Rao’s light once more? And if so, then why the hell did Kara feel so empty now?

Kara turns away from the window and pads back to her bed. She drops onto it face first, and squeezes her eyes shut.

Knowing what lies in store for her, only makes Kara want to climb under the covers, and bury herself deeper in them. 

Kara keeps her eyes shut, hoping that she might be fortunate enough to fall back into sleep. Her hope was that in sleep, she might be able to escape from all of the things that currently seem to be pulling her apart.

Despite her best efforts not to think about those things, however, Kara lets her mind wander, and she unknowingly fixates upon them. She knows that there will be no chance of her returning to her previous life. She tosses and turns for the next ten minutes or so, but finally gives up fighting and settles on her back. Kara throws her forearm over her eyes and sobs for all of the things she’s lost. She cries like this until her lungs give out. And no matter how hard she tries, she can’t stop. The pain in her chest is excruciating. And what shocks her the most is how much it hurts. Because if she were being honest? It hurts worse than the Kryptonite. Kara had thought that it would be impossible for anything to hurt worse than that.

Wasn’t she supposed to be happy? At peace? And if so, then why did she feel so empty? This felt wrong. 

Kara cries until there is nothing left. She feels a pressure building behind her eyelids, and Kara can barely take it. She lifts her thumb and forefinger to her eyes and presses down as hard as she can. She starts trying the breathing exercises that Alex once showed her. In, two, three. Out, two, three. In, two, three. Out, two, three. She breathes deeply in the silence, letting her breathing slowly even out.

She finally makes it back to sleep, but unfortunately, the peace doesn’t last long. Her chronographic alarm clock starts going off shortly after she dozes off, with a shrill persistent chirp. Kara realizes that she must have forgotten to turn it off. She throws back her forearm, and rolls over, before silencing it with a slam of her hand down on the radio. Kara decides to take it as a sign from the universe. She rolls back onto her back, opens her eyes, and pushes herself into a seated position. Slowly, almost dejectedly, Kara gets up and pads down the hallway towards the stairs.

She pauses at the top. She can hear the murmurs of soft conversation going on below.

Whatever it is that is being discussed, sounds important. She can just make out the underlying alto of an all too familiar voice, but for the life of her, Kara can’t tell whose voice it is, or what it is that they are saying. Kara closes her eyes and concentrates harder.

She is frustrated. She’d gotten so used to being able to hear everything, that to have that suddenly taken away from her, was maddening. She would have to learn how to adapt all over again.

“Look, Zor-El, I know you can’t wait to spend time with her,” Astra says calmly, “But you’re going to need to give her some time to adjust, first. The first weeks are hard. You know that.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Zor-El replies, “You got to know my daughter better than I did, Astra."

"I know that," Astra concedes.

"This is my chance to get to know her," Zor-El argues back, "-to get to know the kind of amazing young woman she's become. I need to make up for lost time."

"This is the afterlife," Astra reminded him. "I assure you. There's no shortage of time, here. In fact, we have nothing but time at our disposal. Waiting a couple of weeks for her to settle into things, will seem like nothing in comparison." 

"Come on, Astra, don't be such a drama queen," Zor-El says in a low voice. "She's strong willed. She'll be fine."

“Really? You seem to be underestimating how upsetting this will be for someone like her.”

“And you seem to be severely overestimating how upsetting that it will be.”

“We spend our whole lives waiting for the chance to see those we love again,” Zor-El argues. Then. “Besides, she had a chance to fulfill her purpose. There’s honor in that.”

“This isn’t about honor,” Astra argues back.

“Look,” he sighs, “I’m just saying she should be proud. We both died before we had the chance to fulfill our destiny. She didn’t.”

“You’re focusing on the wrong things,” Astra says gently, but forcefully. “You need to take care of her. You need to try and protect her from this.”

“From what?” he shouts. “What makes you think that I can’t take care of her?” Zor-El challenges. “She’s my daughter.”

“Yeah? Well, she’s my niece!” Astra retorts, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotion. “And I will fight for what I think is right. She’s like a daughter to me too. Rao may not have blessed me with one of my own, but I did love her like she was. Kara has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and being here...being here will be hard for her.”

“Look,” Zor-El sighs. “We’ll figure it out as we go along. Okay? That’s the best we do right now. And without Alura here, we’re going to have to give her as much love and support as we possibly can.”

Kara takes another step, silently praying that nothing gives her away. Apparently luck isn’t on her side, though, because this reality doesn’t bend to her whim. She freezes, as the metal underneath her left foot squeaks loudly. Abruptly, the two downstairs stop conversing. Kara takes a deep breath, strides around the corner, and then descends the stairs to the sound of her aunt’s warm voice.

“Little One!” Astra cries out, before wrapping her arms around Kara tightly in a warm greeting. Kara quickly buries her face into her Aunt’s neck for a long moment, and just breathes in the scent of her. “Oh, how good it is to see you again,” Astra breathes as she hugs Kara like she never intends to stop.

“How did you sleep?” Her Aunt asks in a warm, loving voice. “I know that waking up here for the first time can be a little jarring.”

“It was,” Kara admits to her, as she pulls away. “But I’m okay. It’s good to see you again.”

“Kara,” Kara tries not to flinch at the sound of her name falling from her father’s lips. It’s been so long. Kara turns to face him.

Over the last several years, her perception of her father had greatly changed from that of what it once was. But seeing him there, standing there with such a wide smile on his face, it was hard not to be happy to see him too.

“My darling daughter,” her Father says as he reaches up to her shoulders. “Let me get a good look at you.” There are tears in his eyes as he murmurs. “My, my, my, you’re all grown up now. And you’re beautiful... so beautiful. I can’t believe your mother and I created someone so wonderful. Look at you!”

“You must be hungry,” Astra says, after Kara pulls away from the hug in which Zor-El traps her.

“Sit,” Astra directs Kara to sit down on a chair at the bar in the kitchen. Kara watches her pour her a glass of juice, and thanks her as she sets it down on the granite in front of her. “I hope you’re hungry. I made you a feast.”

“You did?” Kara can’t help but ask, feeling rather surprised, “But.. But why?”

“Because this is joyous occasion!” Zor-El smiles. “It’s a celebration. You’re finally home, where you belong."

Home. The word should have made her feel comforted, but instead it called to the pain in her heart.

Maybe a long time ago, this place would have been her home. But now? Now her home and her family were elsewhere. This was wrong. 

"I made your favorite," Astra smiles, as she sets a plate down in front her. "You always loved this dish when you were younger."

Kara picks up a fork, and begins to prod the food around her plate, struggling to remember what it tasted like. It's been so long since she's had Kryptonian cuisine. And all Kara can seem to think about at the moment, is her favorite Earth food - of pizza, and potstickers, and chocolate pecan pie.

"Is something wrong?" Zor-El asks her as he catches her staring at it. As if to punctuate what she should be doing, Zor-El shovels a healthy bite onto his fork, and ferries the food to his mouth. He chews it enthusiastically, and swallows.

"No," Kara swallows, before shaking her head. She finally puts some food on her fork and lifts it to her mouth. She takes a modest bite, and chews. It's a little hard for her at first. After all, the taste is different than what she's used to. But eventually she's able to familiarize herself with it. It's like an old memory niggling at the back of her mind. In a few more bites, Kara is actually enjoying the meal. Sure, it's different from Earth food, but it's not bad. It's not bad by any means.

"This is delicious," Zor-El says, before taking another healthy bite.

"Thank you," Astra smiles at him, before turning her attention to Kara. "And how do you like it, Kara?"

"It's good," Kara tells her. "It's different from what I'm used to, but I like it. I almost forgot what Kryptonian food tasted like."

"Do you miss Earth food?" Astra asks her.

"A little," Kara admits.

"Well, maybe if you give me some recipes, I can try and make some for you," Astra offers. "I was never able to stomach Earth food, while I was there," Astra laughs, "But I'd be willing to try it again for you, Little One."

"Nonsense," Zor-El quickly cuts it. "There's no need for anything else."

"Zor-El," Astra begins, "I'm just trying to-"

"I know what you're trying to do," Zor-El cuts in, "But it's time Kara remembers who she really is. She's Kryptonian."

"Seriously?! Why do you do that?" Kara says angrily. She can no longer sit by and listen as her father talks down on the place that has been her home.

"Do what?"

"I know you've always talked about Earth like it was so far beneath us, but it's not," Kara says with a clench of her jaw.

"Kara-"

"Do you even realize what you're saying?" Kara says the last word in an almost sibilant hiss, finally standing up for what she believes. "That place has been my home for the last fifteen years! I have people there that I love. The fact is, I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for them. And I wouldn't be sitting here if it weren't for them! So how dare you? How dare you act like you're so much better than they are!"

Her father is stunned silent for a moment or two, and Kara jumps on it.

"The fact is, Alex and Eliza and Jeremiah, are more like family to me than you are," Kara tells him. She knows this will hurt him and she doesn't want to, but she also needs for him to understand. "I feel like I don't even know you anymore. Because this? This is not the sort of man that I thought you were."

"I-" Zor-El seems to be speechless.

Kara forces herself to look away then, and feels herself shut down completely. She never expected her father to be so against her. He seemed to have a problem with who she'd become, and Kara didn't know how to accept that. Sure, she was Kryptonian, but it also felt like she identified with the people of Earth. Earth was her home. Not this place.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes finally. Then, he adds, "Truly, I am. I just... I didn't think. I - I almost forget that you lived there longer than you did here."

"Why do you hate it so much?" Kara questions.

"I don't," he argues, "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression, because I don't. Sure, I might envy the people of it, but I-"

"Why?" Kara is honestly surprised by this statement, just a little bit. She never would have thought her father felt this way.

"Why do you think?" he says. "It's because they got to know you better than I did."

"Ukr," Kara feels tears spring to her eyes.

"You were so grown up at that age," he tells her in a thick voice. "Your mother and I, we were so proud of you, Kara. And that's why I knew - I knew you would be okay. But you have to understand something else. That knowledge didn't make it any easier to say goodbye. The day that we put you into that pod was the hardest day of my entire life. And I will never be able to forget how that felt."

"It was hard for me too," Kara tells him. "And there wasn't a day that went by, that I didn't think of you or mom." Then she turned to her Aunt, "Or you Astra."

"So..." Zor-El begins, "Would you be willing to tell me a little bit about your time on Earth? Because I'd really like to know more about it, and I'm curious to know what your experiences were."

"Of course," Kara smiles, "I'd love to!"

They spend what seem to be hours, just talking. Kara tries to catch her father up on everything that has happened since she left him on Krypton's surface.

He happily supplies tidbits of his own, of course. Though, he doesn't seem to exhibit much tact in the things he says, or in the way he says them. Eventually, he goes too far.

“What?” Zor-El suddenly asks, as he notices the look of devastation on Kara’s face. “What is it? What did I say?”

“Nothing,” Kara says with tears in her eyes, as she slips off of the stool. “It's nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, and I need a minute to collect myself… Please excuse me.”

Kara flees from the room as fast as her weakened limbs can carry her. She walks into her bedroom, and into her walk-in closet. There, she leans against the door jam and closes her eyes.

How was she supposed to do this?

It felt like there was some invisible elephant in the room just looming over her. And Kara can’t take it.

She flees. She hates herself for her own cowardice, but she runs from her home as fast as she can possibly go.

In minutes, Kara watches her breath dissipate in the morning air before her, as she treks down a dirt path on the edge of the city. She staggers to a stop as tension in her back and shoulders reaches an unbearable level, and figures it is time for a little break.

She had taken very little with her when she left. But when hiking long distances, the weight of the little things taken with you seemed to grow with each passing step. Kara found that this was true for her as well.

Kara groans as she slips the small backpack off of her shoulder, and drops it onto the ground. There’s a soft thud as the bag hits the dirt. And Kara lets out a relieved sigh at the slight reprieve she’s given. She moans softly as she reaches up to massage the muscles in her neck and shoulders. With her movements, she consequently feels the pull in her muscles. Soon enough, however, she is able to massage some of the tightness and soreness away. Lazily, Kara unclips her water bottle from her bag and unscrews the lid. She takes a greedy pull from it, relishing at the way the water cascades over her tongue. She swishes the water around her mouth a bit before finally swallowing. Kara finds a nearby rock and walks over, sitting down on it.

As she continues to take periodic sips from her water bottle, she can’t help but look around at some of the flora around her. Everything is so bright and full of life. What makes it even more beautiful, are the ferns that flourish in the moist soil beneath. And these ferns stretch as far as the eye can possibly see.

She doesn’t remember Krypton looking like this. But, then again, she remembered it from the time right before its demise. By then the planet had been on its last legs. This, it seemed, was its afterlife. This was Krypton as it was meant to be. Krypton in the eyes of Rao.

Kara continues a long way down this winding path, happily vanishing in obscurity. She almost dares someone to find her all of the way out here.

Kara comes to a stop on the beach - just a little ways south of a small lake, and plops down onto the hot, red sand. Kara sprawls out, leaning back on her elbows as she stares up into the deep purple sky.

She can feel the warm rays of the sun across her face, and the heat from the sand diffusing into the air around her body. Sweat pools at the base of her spine and slowly slips down, weaving a sinuous path down past the top of her pants. It is suddenly hot, humid, and Kara feels suddenly as if she is suffocating.

With a sigh, Kara wipes the sweat from her brow using the back of her sleeve.

The heat here is comparable to Earth's heat in late July. The sky above her is a beautiful radiant amethyst, with only a few pink clouds dotting the horizon. The air is thick, however, in a way that she doesn’t remember it being. Subconsciously, she reaches up to tug at the necklace around her neck. The chain, there, feels as if it is growing tighter and tighter around her neck with every minute that ticks by. Kara closes her eyes, taking another deep breath.

A voice has Kara jumping upright. “I was hoping that I might find you here.” Astra’s familiar lilt has Kara’s shoulders relaxing. “You always seemed to like coming to this spot when you were younger. Although, it looked quite a bit different then.” Kara opens her eyes and turns in order to find Astra’s form. The silver streak in her hair catches the light, as Astra lowers herself to the ground next to Kara’s side. Kara lets out a soft breath.

“I’m surprised you remembered,” Kara laughs, “That was a long time ago. Practically a lifetime ago.”

“Kara,” Kara is surprised at how apprehensive her Aunt sounds. She feels stiff for a moment, until Astra’s hand finds her own in the sand. “I imagine that none of this can be easy for you...”

“Yeah?”

“Yes," Astra confirms. "Perhaps if you told me what was bothering you I could… I could help?” Astra voices, hesitating slightly at the very end. The way she says it sounds almost hopeful. It sounds as if she really wants to ease the pain in Kara's heart.

“It’s nothing,” Kara shakes her head, but then hesitates at the last moment. “I’m… I’m fine,” Kara tries. She's never lied to Astra like this before, and it doesn't sit well with her. Still, she knows that Astra will probably see right through her anyway. Astra knows her better than she seems to know herself.

“No,” Astra shakes her head. “You are not. You forget how well I know you, Little One. I know when something is bothering you. And you? You are, most decidedly not fine.”

“Please,” Kara’s voice hitches as she tries to speak, “Please don’t think that it’s because I’m not happy to see you. I promise you that it’s not that… But this? It doesn’t feel like home to me. It feels wrong, and I-” Kara desperately tries, but can’t seem to stop the sob from escaping, even though she struggles to swallow it back down.

“Oh,” the look on Astra’s face is one of pain. She suddenly seems to realize why Kara is so upset.

“I’m sorry,” Kara apologizes, “I don’t mean to hurt you. In fact, hurting you is the last thing that I want to do, but...”

“It's okay. I think I understand,” Astra whispers. When Kara doesn’t speak, she decides to go with her best guess.

“You left someone behind?” Astra breathes, nearly whispers as the realization washes over her. “Someone you love.”

“More than I thought was possible,” Kara admits.

Kara suddenly feels incredibly restless. She stands up, starting to pace back and forth on the sand. Her mind is reeling, and she… she can’t be still. She can’t help but let out another ragged, unsteady breath, as sweat continues to streak down her face in the warm sunlight. Kara lets out a low humorless laugh, feeling her emotions start to get the better of her.

“Rao, how could I not know?” Kara asks herself. “How is it that I didn’t know until the very end? Until it was too late?”

“Kara-”

“She was everything to me, Astra,” Kara sobs. “She was everything to me, and I left her behind. And now? Now it’s like there’s this emptiness… inside of me, like everything good in me has been sucked away, and it feels like I can’t... I can’t breathe.”

Kara’s hyperventilating, when she feels herself pulled into the arms of her Aunt, who she hadn’t even been aware had drawn near. Kara allows herself to be comforted. She lets herself be pulled into arms that feel so much like her mother’s, and Kara loses it – loses all control. Kara sobs into her Aunt’s robes so hard she forgets how to breathe.

“Shh,” Astra soothes. She begins raking her fingers through Kara’s hair. “Shh, Little One. It’s all right. It’s going to be okay, Kara.”

“It won’t,” Kara cries. “I’m not supposed to be here. I promised her I would never leave her. I wasn’t supposed to leave.”

“I can't imagine how difficult it is for you right now, but maybe it would help if you could tell me a little bit about her,” Astra asks gently. "I want to know more about this mysterious woman who has captured my young niece's heart."

“Her name is Lena,” Kara begins to tell her, calming somewhat as she does. “And she was... is my best friend. Apart from Alex, she's the person I felt closest to."

"Gosh," Kara breathed, "I.... I'm not even sure I know where to start. She I and.... well, we grew up in two separate worlds, but I could almost swear that we were always meant to be soulmates. The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure that she and I were probably supposed to be mortal enemies, like Lex and Superman," Kara explained. "The fact is, I - I'm almost afraid to mention this, because I don't want to detract from the important stuff, but I also feel like it's kind of relevant?" Kara paused momentarily. "Lena.... Lena was raised by a family that was very xenophobic. They always thought of aliens as beings that were too powerful for their own good. And the truth is, If they'd had their way, Lena probably would have followed in her brother's footsteps. But it's like... I don't know... like she and I were always going to be the ones to fix that - the ones to bridge the gap and fix the damage of the past."

"Perhaps I should have been wary of her in the beginning, but that's the thing.... She came into my life asking for nothing more than acceptance, and I couldn't deny her that. There was some resistance and apprehension on her part in the beginning. It was almost as if she was afraid to let anyone in. But for whatever reason, we became friends, fast friends. I don't know how it all happened so quickly, but I found myself trusting her. It was difficult for us in the beginning. Mainly because Alex and the rest of my friends, didn't trust her. It seemed like they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I saw something in her that I just couldn't ignore. I like to think I could see through all of the noise, because I saw myself in her. It was like.... like we were kindred spirits. She's one of the strongest and most intelligent women I've ever met, but it also seems like she is at a complete loss when it comes to relationships. It's like she always kept this distance between her and everyone else in her life. It didn't take me long to figure out that she was afraid - lonely to a degree that I've never seen in anyone before. And because of that, I....I made it my mission to force myself inside the walls she built around herself. Even though it wasn't my place, I wanted to atone for all of the crimes that others had committed in her past - and rectify all of the ways she's been hurt." There was a pause, and a break in Kara's voice as she paused to regain control of her thoughts.

"And I.... I like to think that I was handsomely rewarded for my patience," Kara whispers with tears building in her eyes. 

"She finally let me in, and it's like she became the one person in the world that I felt like I could be myself with. With her, it felt there was no need for me to hide. Ever. With... With everyone else it was like I was hyper aware. I was always afraid that I was going to say the wrong thing - do the wrong thing. Mostly, I was always afraid of giving away my secret. In high school I was bullied and ridiculed for being different. But with Lena? With Lena it was different. I wasn't scared to make a fool of myself. As much as I accepted her, she accepted me. She didn't care that I was a big nerd.... that I was a bit strange when it came to certain situations. In fact, it seemed like she was rather endeared to me because of it.... She made me feel safe. For the first time in my life I felt as if I belonged - truly belonged. I felt like I had a home." Kara pauses in an effort to organize her thoughts a bit more. But the words are all begging to be set free, and Kara keeps spilling more and more of them. "I don't even know how to accurately describe how smart she is… but she’s brilliant. She’s just so smart, Astra. And the truth is, she could’ve held her own with anyone else in the science guild. She’s easily the smartest person that I’ve ever met, and I’ve been surrounded by people like that my entire life - first with you, Mom, and Dad, and then with the Danvers. But, I think that what I love most about her, is that she’s so much more than her brilliance. She's more than a name. She’s funny, she's self deprecating, and she’s got this sense of humor that is just… I don’t know what to call it. It’s a little dark, maybe? A little twisted? But it works. She’s suffered a lot in her life, but somehow…. somehow she’s taken that darkness, that hatred, and she’s turned it into a beacon of light. She’s courageous, and loyal to the people she cares about. It’s just…. There isn’t anything she wouldn’t do for those that she loves, no line that she wouldn’t cross to keep them safe. She’s a lot like me in that way. She's compassionate, and generous, and selfless. She does… she does so much good in the world. And being around her? It inspired me. It made me a better person. It made me want to do better, to be better, for her and everyone else.”

“Oh, Kara," Astra breathes as she pulls Kara into a sympathetic crushing embrace, "She sounds wonderful,” Astra sighs. “I really wish I had had the chance to meet her. She.... she must be someone extremely special, if she captured your heart in the way she has.”

“She was everything to me, my chance to be human,” Kara smiles as she pulls away. “To her, I was just Kara Danvers. And yet she still loved me and cherished me anyway. She and Alex. They’re the family that I never thought that I would have.”

“Did she know?”

“I...I don’t know,” Kara admits in a sad voice. “I – I think so? I mean, I really hope so, but I didn’t… Like I said, I didn’t really know it until close to the end. We’d been fighting a lot leading up to my fight with Reign, and it took a toll on us. I was angry with her.” Kara pauses, as she realizes that that isn’t true. "She distrusted Supergirl."

"So she never knew your secret identity?" Astra questions gently, clearly surprised by this piece of information.

"No," Kara admits, with a shake of her head. "I wanted to tell her. The truth is, I desperately wanted to tell her in the beginning, but Alex convinced me not to. By the time I felt brave enough to tell her, everything fell apart between us." Kara clenches her jaw briefly in frustration. "While everything with Reign was happening, I found out that she... she'd created Kryptonite." Kara lets out a huff. "Needless to say, I didn't react well to it, and the relationship between us became strained. I... I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth after that. Because I think that a part of me knew that if I told her who I really was, I'd lose her."

"You don't know that for sure," Astra finds herself arguing in a calming voice, seemingly playing the devil's advocate.

"You're right," Kara agrees, "And I'll probably never know how she would have taken it, because I was a coward."

"Are you still angry with her?" Astra questions, as she rubs gentle circles on Kara's back. Astra was always so tactile with her. She is far more tactile, warm and loving with Kara, than Alura was. 

“I don't know anymore,” Kara sighs in frustration,  She’s left trying to come up with the best way to explain it.

”I thought that I was angry with her,” Kara attempts to explain, “But now? Now that I've had a chance to think about it, I think that maybe the person I was really angry at was myself. I was angry for not seeing what was in front of me all this time. I was angry that I was losing her to someone else. And I took all of that anger and frustration out on the wrong person.” Kara closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. “I never even got the chance to truly apologize for the way I acted. It just… It all happened so fast.”

“I think I understand what you're trying to say,” Astra nods. "There was someone else in the picture."

"Yes," Kara swallows, "And I think she loves him. They've been dating for a while, and I could see her falling more and more in love with him as time went on. It... It hurt me to see it. I don't think I understood why, at first. But now I know why. It's because I was in love with her. I've been in love with her the entire time. And it seemed extremely unfair that she would fall in love with someone who couldn't see past her last name in the beginning. Rao, I can't believe I was so blind."

"Do you think there might be a chance that she feels the same way?"

"I-" Kara lets herself experience self-doubt. "I don't know. I wish I could say, but I really don't know. That's what hurts the most, I think. What if I had a chance, but I blew it? What if I never get the chance to find out?"

"Kara," Astra shakes her head. "Come on," Astra says gently, "If what you told me is true, then I have to believe that she loves you too."

“I miss her,” Kara whispers, before she sniffles loudly into the back of her hand as she tries to wipe away the tears and the snot that are dripping from the tip of her nose. “I just… Rao, I miss her. This doesn’t seem right. This can’t be… This can’t be right.”

“What if I told you that you could go back?” Astra questions, and Kara’s head snaps up so fast that it should be impossible.

“What? What do you mean?” Kara asks, as hope flails in her chest.

“I… “ Astra hesitates. “Your father will not be happy with me for telling you this. But I know you. And as much as I love you and want you here, it pains me to think that it would ever be at your expense. I want you to be happy, Kara, and I want you to be with the one you love for as long as humanly possible. So if you want to go back, then I think I know of a way.” Then. “You have a choice. You've always had a choice. I just hope that we’re not too late.”

"I don't want to make any trouble, but you're my only hope, Astra. Please. Please help me," Kara pleads with her, as she feels hope spark to life in her chest. "I need to try and fix my mistake before it's too late. I need her to know how I feel." Astra nods, resigning herself to the notion of letting Kara go again. She knows that she will miss Kara dearly, but she also desperately wants Kara to be happy. And she wants Kara to experience as much happiness as she possibly can, before coming back here, to this version of the afterlife. At that point they will all be able to live happily ever after. But before then? They'll just have to wait. She knows that their reunion will be all the more sweeter for it.

Chapter Text

(Lena's POV)

“Come on,” Alex encourages her, as she carefully helps Lena from the back of the SUV and wraps an arm around Lena’s middle. “I’ve got to get inside. J’onn left me in charge of DEO, and I’ve gotta try and contain this situation before it gets any worse. Are you going to be okay on your own for a little bit while I do that?”

“Yeah,” Lena swallows. “Yeah, I think so,” Lena whispers, even though she isn’t really sure she’ll be okay on her own. But she can’t bear the thought of being a burden to Alex any more than she already has been. After all, Alex had a job to do. “Let’s just get inside.”

Together, the two of them limp inside, both looking more than a little worse for wear.

Lena has to keep holding pressure against her side with her hand, in order to be able to breathe normally. But so long as she can keep drawing breaths in and out, that's all that really mattered to her. 

Just as Alex predicted, they’re met at the elevator doors, by Winn, Brainiac-V, Vasquez, and a crowd of other high ranking agents. It’s hard to pick out individual words, as everyone in the crowd starts speaking over each other with what they feel are the most pressing issues.

Alex gives them a few moments to vent their frustrations and fears, before she loses patience.

“Hold up a second! One at a time, everybody!” Alex shouts in exasperation, effectively quieting them.

Slowly, all of the words peter out. Lena lets out a weighted breath, as she notices the expressions on all of the faces in the crowd. Most of them look as beat up as Lena feels. Some even have bruises and gashes visible on their cheek. However, what Lena finds the most telling, is their posture. Most of them are hunched over, are cradling limbs, or are holding their side as she is. As she examines them all, she finds that their weariness is evident. They look exhausted, but it's more than that. They're defeated, they're scared.

She can see it in their eyes. They all look as if they are unsure of what happens next. Now that the city is burning, and most everything has been destroyed, they need guidance. And they all seem to be looking to Alex for that guidance.

Lena suddenly doesn't envy Alex in the least. Still, Lena can’t think of anyone better to lead them, than Alex. She's gotten to know Alex a lot over these last months, and it's become abundantly clear. Alex was - is - a natural born leader. Everything about Alex's demeanor and attitude commands respect. She's hard, but fair. She doesn't coddle, but she will give credit where it's due. J'onn has taught her well. 

But more than that, she's family to everybody here.

“Okay,” Alex’s says in a calmed but assertive tone. “Look, I – I know that you’re probably scared. And the truth is, I’m pretty scared, too. But there are a lot of people out there that are in need of our help. And we've got to help them.”

“How are we supposed to help them when we can barely help ourselves?” one of the men in the crowd interrupts her. Alex seems to think about this for a few seconds, before she responds.

“By resolving to do better,” Alex shoots back at him without missing a beat.

“Look, I get it,” Alex says after a moment of tense silence. “I get that things look pretty dire out there right now. But I also know that we are one of the precious few that have the resources and the means to help the people of this city. Sure, it won’t be easy. But we can do it. I truly believe that we can do it, if we all just work together.” Lena looks around, in order to see the doubt and the fear still etched on most of the faces in the crowd.

“Listen to me,” Alex orders, finally. “Someone very wise and very important to me, once told me to acknowledge the fear. She told me to acknowledge the fear and then kick its ass. And what I’ve learned since then, is that determination… determination is a hell of a lot more powerful than fear.” Alex pauses and swallows. “So focus on the objectives if you have to. Solve one problem, and then move on to the next. It’s easy to become overwhelmed if you try and think of all of the things you have to do at once. So just focus on one thing at a time and just keep at it. Before you know it? You'll be done.” Lena’s lips twitch upwards into a smile as she realizes how amazing Alex is.

“Alright,” Alex exhales under her breath, “What now?" Lena is the only one that is close enough to hear this moment of doubt. “Right, we need a starting point - a place to begin.”

Then, louder. “Okay, what we’re going to do, is go into that room and come up with some sort of a plan. When we get in there, I want all of your best ideas… And, believe me, no idea is too big or too small. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to have to get creative. We have resources, let's use them wisely.” Alex lets out a sigh of relief as everyone starts nodding.

“Good, now let’s do this,” Alex smiles. “And remember! Speak one at a time. Your ideas are going to be no good to me if I can’t hear them. I will not let this place descend into chaos.” Then, “If you want chaos, feel free to go outside. I assure you! There’s plenty of that out there.” She indicates the windows at her back, with a thumb pointed back over her left shoulder.

“What about Supergirl?” another voice says from the crowd. “Where is she?”

“She’s-” Lena can detect the quiver in Alex's voice as she tries to respond. Lena feels her heart skip a beat as her stomach twists unpleasantly. Alex has to handle this carefully. Because if she tells them the truth, it will break whatever is left of them. Kara was family to each and every one of them.

“I’m afraid that Supergirl is not going to be of any use to us right now,” Alex’s voice is thick, as she responds. “She got badly hurt in the fight. So right now? Right now... the best way we can honor her, is by helping as many people as possibly can. I’m afraid we’re going to have to do this on our own.”

“All right! Let’s do this then!” Somebody else shouts. “For Supergirl!”

“For Supergirl!” The echoes leaves Lena’s breath catching in her throat.

Lena feels her tears begin anew, as Alex marches off with the small crowd.

Lena feels almost helpless as she watches her sole lifeline walk away from her, leaving her in a sea of uncertainty. It takes everything in Lena just to keep breathing, as she stands motionless in the middle of the DEO, staring at the place where Alex, and the rest of the crowd disappeared. Lena remains like that, as one minute ticks into another. She’s been standing like that for nearly a half an hour, before a touch sends her reeling, seemingly breaking the status quo. And Lena whirls around to face this unforeseen intruder.

She opens her mouth to yell, and ask this unforeseen interloper what in the hell it is they want, before she’s suddenly rendered momentarily silent.

Because she’s finally face to face with her boyfriend for the first time since the battle began hours ago. And Lena actually has to remind herself who he is. This is the man that she’s supposed to be in love with.

And don’t get me wrong. There’s a part of Lena that deeply cares for James, and an even bigger part that greatly respects him. But he doesn’t make her chest ache. He doesn’t make it hard to breathe in his presence. And one touch from him doesn’t set her ablaze. It’s not even close.

With Kara? With Kara it was different. There were honestly times when Lena was with Kara, that she was afraid for her own life. Lena was afraid that she wouldn’t make it, because her heart was beating so very wildly.

Wasn’t that what love was supposed to be?

What amazed Lena the most, however, were all of the times that Lena got lost in Kara’s presence, and everything in her just went quiet. In Kara's presence, it was like the world stopped spinning and nothing else mattered apart from the beautiful and amazing woman next to her. It was like she was at peace. All of her life Lena had felt as if she was surrounded by chaos. It was as if she were at the center of the hurricane, with everything spinning round and round her. Simply by existing, Lena left unfathomable destruction in her wake. The fact is, she'd grown used to it. It was simply the cost of being a Luthor. It happened whether or not she tried not to. But with Kara? With Kara it was like everything just stopped. She didn't have to worry, because Kara seemed able to handle anything. Kara was willing and able to accept Lena and all she brought with her.

“Lena!” Lena feels herself scooped into James’ strong arms, but those strong arms suddenly feel very wrong around her.

Lena can't help but think of Kara, then, and of what it felt like to be held in Kara’s incredibly strong but gentle hold. It's funny to her now. After all, with all of the strength that Kara had, it would have been easy for the blonde superhero to crush Lena in her embrace. But Lena never felt anything other than safe in Kara's arms. Kara always hugged with the perfect amount of strength. She approached their hugs with a desperation and a love that Lena had never felt from anyone else. But they were gentle, too - comforting. Kara's hugs were nothing like the one in which she now found herself, where James compressed her already sore ribs.

Lena tries to sink into the embrace as much as she possibly can. But much as she tries to, she can’t help the feeling of emptiness that settles over her. “Lena! Oh, thank god you’re okay,” James exhales. “When… When I woke up and you weren’t there, I thought-” James actually sounds like he is on the verge of tears, and Lena feels guilt swell up inside of her. The fact is, it’s almost overwhelming. He cares about her. He cares so much, and she can’t be bothered to pretend anymore. She doesn’t know if she can pretend she’s not in love with Kara.

She doesn’t know if she can do this. James doesn’t deserve it and neither does she. “I was so scared that something had happened to you,” James admits.

Lena struggles not to pull away from him. Even though everything in her body crying out, and begging for her to pull away. The fact is, the war going on inside of her is nothing short of torturous.

Nothing about this felt right, and she can't ignore her feelings anymore. Kara deserved better from her.

“James,” Lena’s voice is weak, but insistent as she starts to pull away. Unfortunately, it doesn’t go quite like she plans it. The fact is, James is so much stronger than her, that her efforts to pull away from his frame are almost futile. But Lena continues to fight, feebly pushing at his shoulders.

The truth is, she can’t bear to be touched by him. At least, not right now.

Lena hates herself as she sees how deeply hurt James is by this.

“What’s wrong?” he asks her.

“Nothing… It’s fine. I’m fine,” Lena whispers, but it’s clear from her tone of voice that this is a lie. She’s not fine. Not even close. And James seems to pick up on this right away.

James experiences panic, as he notices the blood soaking her hands and her clothes, for the first time.

“Oh my god,” James breathes anxiously, “Are you okay? Lena, are you hurt?”

“I…I don’t know,” Lena whispers. “I think something might be broken, but I’m… I’m okay.”

“Where are you bleeding from?” She flinches as James starts unzipping her tactical shirt, searching for any apparent life threats.

“Oh,” the word is little more than a puff of air. Tears are already seeping from her eyes, as she suddenly says. “No. No, It’s…It’s not mine. S-Something happened while you were unconscious…”

“Jesus, Lena,” James says as he notices something else about her, “You’re shaking. You’re shaking like crazy. I think you might be in shock.”

James gently grabs her gently by the shoulders, and Lena lets herself be steered by him as he leads her to a chair to sit down. Lena starts crying again, as he sits her down in the chair and slowly kneels down in front of her, trying to hold her gaze. Her hands are shaking violently, and she has a haunted look in her eyes that he has only seen once before. It reminds him of the night when they'd witnessed that first fight between Supergirl and Reign, the one where they’d seen Supergirl crash to the ground right in front of them.

“Lena,” James breathes softly. “W-what happened? Whose blood is this? Who got hurt?”

“It’s Kara’s,” the name comes out as a sob. “Reign was trying to kill me and she… she intervened. She… She got hurt in the process. She was protecting me, James, and she-”

“Lena,” James’ voice is extremely gentle as he speaks her name.

“There - “ Lena starts, but her voice keeps betraying her by breaking on her. It was almost impossible to get it out. But she keeps trying. The truth is, she needs to get it out somehow. She can't keep it inside anymore. “There was so much blood. It was everywhere. J’onn… J’onn took her away, and I… I don’t even know if she’s still alive.” Lena’s head drops down into her hands, as she tries to conceal her tears. It is hard for James to watch, as her body convulses in sob after uncontrollable sob.

James has never seen Lena like this. Ever. And he suddenly realizes that he has no idea what he is supposed say, or do, in this situation.

“Lena,” James tries softly, “Lena…” Lena squeezes her eyes shut. And still the tears escape from them. They weave quickly down her cheeks, evading her fingertips as she tries to swipe them away.

“Damn her,” Lena sobs, “How could she do this? She promised me that she would always be my friend. She promised she would always protect me. And then...and then she left me! Why? Why does everyone always leave?”

“Hey,” James says, “Hey, I’m here. Okay? And I’m not going anywhere.” He thinks this will make her feel better, but instead, it only seems to make things worse. They make Lena think of the promises that Kara made her - promises that have since been broken.

James just doesn’t understand why he’s not good enough.

“Lena,” James hardly dares to breathe. “What can I do? What can I do to make this better.”

“I…I need to know if she’s alive,” Lena pleaded as she looks into James’ eyes. “Please… I need you to make sure Kara is still alive.”

“Lena,” James sighs. He can’t handle the pain in her eyes anymore. It breaks his heart to see her this way.

“Please,” the one word is enough to tip the scales.

“Yeah. Okay,” James says finally, leaning forwards to press a lingering kiss to her forehead in a gesture of love and comfort. “I’ll be right back."

“I’ll be right back,” James promises again, before he finally stands up. Lena watches as he practically sprints through the middle of the DEO. With trembling fingers she pulls out her phone and dials the only number she can think off. It seems to take Eve forever to answer.

“This is Jess,” she speaks into the receiver. Lena squeezes her eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from falling. She struggles to find the right words to speak next.

“Jess? It’s Lena,” Lena speaks thickly, her voice a low, deep alto.

“Lena! Oh thank god,” Jess breathes into the receiver. “James said that you’d gone missing, and I’ve been desperately trying to get a hold of you ever since. I’m so glad you finally called.”

“Jess…” Lena breathes into the phone, the pain in her chest is nearly unbearable. “Listen, I’m… I’m at the DEO. Something happened to Supergirl. She’s been hurt. God she might even be dead… I – I don’t know.”

“What?” Jess sounds shocked. In fact, it almost seems like the floor has just been taken out from under her. “I… I just can’t believe – I had no idea how bad it was. I mean...most news coverage was knocked out hours ago during the fight, but I never imagined...”

“I know,” Lena’s voice cracks. Lena lifts a hand to her nose and sniffles. Then, Lena realizes how stupid this all is. In fact, it’s a miracle that the call hasn’t been dropped already.

“Look,” Lena whispers, “I could easily cry over this for hours with you, but I...I don’t know how long I have. In fact, I’m surprised that I was able to get through at all, honestly. I just… I wanted you to know that I’m okay.”

“I appreciate that, Miss Luthor,” Jess says with immense relief, “But, if you don’t mind me saying? It kind of sounds like you aren’t okay?”

Lena sighs. Jess had always been extremely perceptive about these kinds of things.

“You've got me,” Lena admits, “It's just...I don't know what to do. She’s my best friend. She means everything to me. And I don't think...I don't think I can live without her.”

“I know how much you care about her,” Jess says.

Lena’s voice shook. “I… It’s my fault. She was trying to protect me.”

“Lena,” Jess sounds extremely worried, “Hey, calm down. It’s not your fault.”

“It’s is! She could be dead because of me,” Lena cries.

Lena sounds a little bit scared, “Are you at the office?”

“Yeah,” Jess nods. “A group of us are in the sub-basement. You said it was the safest place in the building, so I gathered everybody and we're hunkered down in here.”

“Good,” Lena’s voice is gentle and appreciative as she says, “That’s very smart thinking. Listen, the DEO is going to be sending a group to help you, but chances are they won’t be able to get to you until tomorrow, or maybe even a few days from now. You need to gather up as many resources as you possibly can, and then you need to lock down the building. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to lift the lockdown. But until then, just hunker down and stay safe, alright?”

“Understood, Miss Luthor, “ Jess replies, “I’ll take good care of your company, I promise.”

“And Jess?” Lena asks with a gentle inflection of her voice.

“Yeah?” Jess responds.

“Thank you,” Lena tells her sincerely, “Just, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Miss Luthor,” Jess replies earnestly. “We’re going to figure everything out, I promise. She's a hell of a lot stronger than people give her credit for. I’m sure she’s okay.”

“I sure hope so,” Lena says in a choked voice, before she utters a quick goodbye and ends the call.

For a long time after the phone call ends, Lena stares down into the fibers of the carpet at her feet. She is numb. When they were preparing for battle earlier this morning, she had no idea that it would turn out to be a day quite like this.

Lena honestly thought that they were prepared. Or, at the very least, thought that they were as prepared for the battle as they possibly could be. Supergirl had seemed so confident in the pre-op briefing. She’d been determined. She'd seemed ready to do battle. 

They'd all known was at stake. They knew that they were fighting for the Earth itself.

Lena briefly thinks back to Kara's speech. She almost envied Kara for always having the right words to say. Kara was a hero in every sense of the word. She always knew how to bring out the best in people, no matter the circumstances. By the time she’d finished, the entire room full of grown men and women about to do battle had been shouting those same words. The energy in the room after that had been nothing short of electric. Lena had been sure that they would win.

And they did. They did win. But they also lost so very much. There was no one who knew this better than Lena. Because she had lost her whole universe.

Lena can scarcely breathe as she starts to hyperventilate just a little bit.

Anyone who knows Lena Luthor, would be able to tell you that she was used to close calls. In fact, she’s had a mind-boggling eleven assassination attempts against her at last count. The point is, she had gone through a number of them in the last few years, but never…never had she prepared herself for this kind of scenario. Never had she been prepared to lose the love of her life.

Supergirl had always been a little cavalier when it came to the kinds of danger they faced. In fact, Lena wasn't sure if Kara knew what it felt like to be afraid. And if she did, well, let's just say that she had a unique ability to overcome such fears.

During her tenure as Supergirl, Kara had gotten used to the idea of being nearly invulnerable. She had nursed and grown qualities within herself, that made her a good hero. She was brave, and true, and she was selfless, so very selfless. She’d taken her responsibilities to heart, and so she’d been willing to sacrifice herself to save the planet that had become her home. She had given her life for Lena, and for the rest of the world without hesitation, not caring whether or not she was ever recognized for it or not. Lena had once admired these qualities in Supergirl. But now, Lena can't help but feel as if it were one of the things that she was so desperate to change. She can’t help but think that maybe those qualities are what had gotten them here, to this moment - a moment where the love of her life was dead, and Lena was alone. Lena only wishes that Kara had been a little more selfish, and a little more self-serving. Perhaps, if she had, then Kara might still be there with her.

Unfortunately, that just wasn't who Kara was. Kara was a hero in every sense of the world. She was the kind of person who gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left. She helped people, and she did it all for free, without asking a single thing in return.

In all senses of the word, Lena couldn’t win. She was damned if she did, and damned if she didn’t. Hell, she was just plain damned, no matter what.

And now Lena was afraid she was really going to lose Kara for good. She closed her eyes, flashing back to a night just a few weeks ago.

"A Margarita for you," Lena heard the waiter say absently, before listening for the small click of the glass settling against the table. 

"And a scotch for you, miss,"   Lena looked up as a waiter dressed in formal wear set down a crystal glass of scotch in front of her on the table.

"Thank you," Lena offered him a polite, but distant smile, as she handed him a crisp bill for the drinks.

"I'll get the change for you right away," He promised.

"Oh! There's no need," Lena told him. "Please keep the change."

"Really?" he looked genuinely surprised by her generosity. "Thank you!" He quickly fled the table, but Lena knew he would be back. That hefty tip meant that he would be sure to get them refills as soon as they could drain their glasses.

"I wish you wouldn't have done that," Sam said wryly.

"I'm sorry," Lena swallowed, as she traced the top of her glass with her finger. "I just thought-"

"Hey, it's okay," Sam breathed. "I know it's habit for you, but I was sort of hoping I could pay for the drinks, since I'm the one who invited you out."

"Oh," Lena looked a bit surprised. She picked up her glass and took a small sip of the amber liquid. It sparked to life on her tongue, the taste strong and biting. Lena quickly swallowed it down, with a pleased sigh. She dearly loved a good glass of scotch.

"How is it?" Sam asked hopefully.

"Good," Lena sighed, as she relaxed in her chair. She could feel the tension seeping out of her shoulders, as she took another sip, and felt it warm her on the way down. There was nothing better than a good Scotch when it came to eating away her stress. 

Sam had insisted that they have a girl’s night out, and Lena had jumped at the chance. Lena felt as if she needed to clear her mind as much as possible. The stress of saving Sam had been eating away at her recently, and now that she'd accomplished that, it felt like there was a need for celebration.

"So," Sam breathed, "It's been a while. How have you been?"

"Me?" Lena seemed surprised that Sam was asking.

"Yeah, you," Sam laughed. "How have you been?"

"I'm good," Lena laughed, hoping that Sam didn't notice the slight hesitation in her answer. "Life is really, really good right now."

"Still saving the world?" Sam asked her.

"I'm trying," Lena spoke honestly. "But it's harder than I thought it would be."

"It always is," Sam said with a knowing smile. "Comic books and Superhero movies always make it seem so easy. But it really isn't. People are complex. Heroes are complex."

"I'll second that," Lena agreed. "It's hard realizing that the people we idolize, are not the people we make them out to be."

"Well," Sam cleared her throat, "You know what they say..."

"And what's that?" Lena questions with a curious glint in her eye.

"Never meet your heroes," Sam finished. "They'll only disappoint you."

Lena just hums in response, before taking a large sip of her drink. If only Sam knew...

"So..." Sam said after a sip of her own drink. "How has it been working with Supergirl?"

"Oh please," Lena huffed. "Don't get me started."

"Lena, she's just trying to help," Sam argued.

"To help drive me up a wall, maybe," Lena laughed bitterly.

"Are you ever going to be able to forgive her?" Sam couldn't help but ask.

"Truthfully?" Lena replied. "I don't know. I mean... I want to forgive her, but I don't... Look, let's just say that forgiveness has never been one of my strong suits."

"Give it time," Sam told her. "You might be surprised."

"Yeah," Lena nodded. "I guess we'll see, won't we?"

Then she changed the subject. "So... when is the last time we had a night out?" Lena questioned.

"I don't know," Sam admitted, "It's been a while. I think the last time we were out like this together, was before Reign made her first appearance."

"Wow, has it really been that long?" Lena questioned.

"Yeah, well it's kind of hard to go out and get drinks with a homicidal maniac," Sam joked. "It seriously puts a damper on things."

"Mmm," Lena hummed in agreement, "I guess so."

"That being said. I'm really glad we're doing this," Sam said finally, with an optimistic smile on her face.

"Me too," Lena smiled genuinely. 

"I've missed you," Sam told her honestly.

"I've really missed you, too," Lena said as she reached across the table and gave Sam's hand a squeeze of affection.

She took another sip of her drink as she looked around. She liked to be aware of her surroundings wherever she went. Perhaps it was all of the assassination attempts that had been made on her life, after all she had a whopping eleven assassination attempts against her at last count, but Lena liked to be aware of everything going on around her. Finally, as she completed her sweep of the room, her eyes looked up to meet Sam’s. She set down her glass.

"So... are you casing the place, or something?" Sam asked, which earned her a snort of laughter from Lena.

"I'm just making sure we're safe," Lena told her. "One can never be too careful nowadays."

"You have a Super on speed-dial," Sam laughed, "I think we'll be okay."

"Funny," Lena scoffed. Then, Lena just shook her head. "The truth is, I'm not sure she'd come, if I called for help."

Sam just rolls her eyes at this. Lena had a way of being a little too melodramatic sometimes. "Of course she would," Sam argued. "Look, you guys may not be on good terms right now, but it's obvious that she cares about you, Lena. And for whatever reason, she seems determined to keep you safe."

"Look, Can we- Can we please talk about something else?" Lena asked, before taking a big sip from her drink. 

"What do you have in mind?" Sam asked.

"I don't know... Maybe something that doesn't make me want to pull out my hair?" Lena snarked.

“Okay," Sam relents. She then artfully changes the subject with a question. "How is James doing?” Sam asked softly, swirling her straw around the inside of her own margarita.

"Really?" Lena laughed, "That's what you're going with?" She stresses the word 'that', with a fair amount of incredulity.

"What?! It's a fair question," Sam told her. "How is your boyfriend? Whom you love?"

“Good,” Lena finally stuttered, after regaining some composure, “He’s good.” Lena took a deep breath.

"Why does it sound like you're trying to convince yourself of that?" Sam questions.

“We've both been been a bit busy lately, but we're doing good,” Lena corrected a second later. “He’s been working a lot of hours trying to run things at Catco.”

“I kind of gathered that,” Sam replied. "You guys get to see each other often?"

"Umm... Well, we've been trying, but we don't have a lot of time to spare right now," Lena admitted. "We haven't gotten to spend a lot of time together lately. We've both been burning the midnight oil regularly. And when I'm not working late, it seems like he always is. It's just... hard. But that's a relationship for you. There's a lot of give and take." 

The way that Sam was looking at Lena had her, shifting in her seat. She felt the judgement in Sam's gaze.

"What?" Lena questioned. "What's that look? And why does it feel like you're judging me right now. You usually never judge me."

"I'm not judging," Sam promised, "I'm just trying to figure out what is going on, and whether you're actually happy with James or not."

“I’m sorry?” Lena’s brow furrowed, “Sam, you know I love you. But I’m afraid that I’m not following…”

“I sort of heard from Alex that you and Kara have been spending a lot of time together recently,” Sam said finally, not the least bit shy about addressing the truth. "And after hearing what you just said, I can't help but wonder if-"

“Sam,” the tone of Lena’s voice held a bit of a warning to it. “Hey, I know where you’re going with this and I’m going to tell you this as kindly as I can possibly manage. Don’t. Please don’t go there. There's nothing going on.”

“Hey, I know you'd probably rather not talk about this, but I have to ask,” Sam sighed, as she looked her friend deeply in the eyes, “I just can't help but wonder why. You have a perfect boyfriend who loves you, but instead of being completely elated about it, you seem absolutely miserable… And it seems like you would rather spend the little free time that you do have with someone else. You'd rather spend it with Kara, and that makes me think that maybe you're harboring feelings." 

“First of all, I am not miserable,” Lena replied defensively. “And second of all, please listen to me when I say this, Sam. I'm happy, okay?! Look, just because I don’t gush about James like you talk about Alex doesn’t mean that I don’t love him.”

“Come on, Lena, don’t deflect. You’re better than that,” Sam lectured. “Look, the thing is, I’m not even sure you realize what it is you’ve been doing. I mean, first it was a movie night here and there with Kara. And now? Now it’s dinners, and drinks, and even the occasional sleepover. It’s just – you... you need to tread very carefully here, or someone is going to get hurt." Sam sighed. "I'm afraid it's going to be Kara.”

“Sam,” Lena shook her head, “Look, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what you think. We’re just friends.”

“You really expect me to believe that?” Sam asked seriously. “Because I'm very perceptive."

"I know that," Lena argued back. But Sam just kept on steam-rolling, as if the interruption went completely unnoticed.

"I still remember how much of a wreck you were, you know? When she was mourning the loss of her boyfriend and you were pining after her incredibly hard. In fact, you were so hung up on her that it was kind of hard to watch."

"Sam-" It was obvious from her tone of voice and expression that this conversation was painful for her to listen to.

"And then when he came back, it was like you were contemplating ways to make him go away again. You insisted that you were happy for her, but you were overprotective of Kara, and seemed hostile to Mike's very presence. If you truly didn't have any feelings for her, I don't think you would have acted that way. I always wondered why you didn't at least try and tell her how you felt. I never understood why you didn't at least throw your hat into the ring.”

"Because it would have been wrong!" Lena hissed, as her throat grew tight. "She was hurting, and I was the reason why she was hurt in the first place. It would have been selfish and wrong of me to try and capitalize off of the opportunity."

"You're still upset about it," Sam pointed out. "I can tell it's still bothering you."

“No,” Lena replied indignantly. “No, I… I got over it a long time ago. And despite what you think, I don't have feelings for her. Not anymore."

“Really?” Sam huffed out, clearly unconvinced, "And spending all this time together, it hasn’t changed your feelings for her at all?” Lena swallowed and looked away as she realized Sam had struck the nail on the head with that one.

"No," Lena's voice sounded eerily monotone, and betrayed her completely.

“You really expect me to believe that? Because one thing I know about love is... that the qualities we find attractive in people don't just go away. And the more time you spend with someone you once... loved," Sam continued, "the harder it is not to remember what we once felt about them. They'd have to have some pretty irredeemable qualities to outbalance all the good. And Kara? She doesn't strike me as someone who is fundamentally flawed. There has to be something there that you're not addressing. And if you can't be honest with me, then at least be honest with yourself. And if you can't do it for yourself, then at least do it for the people who stand to get hurt in this situation."  Lena had to close her eyes for a moment, as she was struck by an overwhelming feeling of guilt. She could still remember how close she had come to telling Kara she loved her, while they were sprawled out on the couch together at Kara's apartment only a couple of weeks ago. If she was being completely honest, her heart still raced from time to time when Kara was in her presence. However, Lena was also very proud of herself. Because never, not once, did Lena cross that very distinct line she’d put in place for herself. She'd never cheated on a romantic partner, and she never intended to. She'd been cheated on once when she was younger and it was emotionally devastating. She never wanted to do that to another person. No. She refused.

“Ah,” Sam hummed as she saw the somewhat healthy flush that began to work its way up Lena’s pale neck.

“Lena,” she breathed, “Look, If you have feelings for her then… then you need to figure this out before things get out of control.” Lena still had to deny it. “She’s single now. And I’m sure that she has feelings for you. You have options.”

“Please,” Lena scoffed. “Look, I respect what you’re trying to do," she said shortly - maybe a little too shortly, if she was being honest, "but I’m telling you...”

“Lena-”

“Nothing has happened, and nothing is going to happen,” Lena argued. “Okay? I’m smart, and I know where the boundaries are. I…. I’m not going to cheat on my boyfriend. And despite what you think, I…I’m happy right now. I’m really happy with James.” She closed her eyes. “He’s smart, and he’s handsome, and...come on, Sam, have you seen him?”

“Lena,” Sam couldn’t help but shake her head a little bit. “I’ll admit that he’s very handsome, but looks aren’t everything. Hell…. the heart of someone is so much more important to me. The fact is, it’s everything, and you’re selling yourself short if you don’t see that. You and Kara could be so much more than you could ever be with someone like James.” Sam trailed off as she noticed the look on Lena’s face. “Okay,” Sam conceded, “I can see you’re not into this, so I’ll stop. I hope you know that the only reason I brought this up, is because I care about you Lena. I'm not trying to upset you. I'm not trying to hurt you. I just... I want what is best for you. Always.”

“Good,” Lena said with a huff. "Thank you!"

Sam nodded, but Lena could see that she was still unhappy with the way they were leaving things.

“Look,” Lena says a fraction of a heartbeat later, “I'm not saying that I do. But even if I did have feelings for Kara, it’s obvious that... that dating her would be an all-around bad idea. It's just... it would be a disaster. Mainly because If things didn't work out, it would ruin our friendship. And the fact is, I can’t bear the thought of risking my friendship with Kara over feelings that are probably going to go away anyways." Lena's voice was thick as she said, "I can’t lose her, Sam.” The desperation and the fear in Lena's voice was palpable, and Sam felt for her.

“And you're okay with that?" Sam questioned her softly, so softly that her voice was a near whisper. "You're really okay with... with never knowing what it feels like to kiss her? Touch her?" Lena hates the reaction Sam's words have on her. But she feels an inexplicable tug, a pang of longing she doesn't want to admit to. "Because I can't imagine never experiencing that madness - the absolute insanity that comes with making love to the person that you love most in this world."

Lena's mouth was suddenly dry, as visions of such a thing played through her mind in rapid succession. She could practically feel Kara's hands running over her naked flesh - feel her breaths catching as Kara's mouth devoured her inch by painstaking inch. Only a beat of a heart later, however, Lena forced herself out of it with a shake of her head.

"I have to be," Lena answered, with a faint quaver of her voice. Then, more assertively she spoke as if trying to convince herself.

Lena replied emphatically. "We’re friends, Sam. And we’re going to stay that way.”

“But what about-” Sam began to ask, but Lena didn’t let her get any farther.

“No,” Lena hissed, "We're done with this conversation"

“Can you please let this go? Please?” Lena sighed, “This was supposed to be a fun girl’s night out. Now it’s just starting to feel like is an interrogation.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam apologized, “I’m just… I’m trying to make sure that this doesn’t turn into a problem. Your friendship with her barely survived the last time. And you both wound up getting hurt because you couldn’t admit how you really felt.”

“Sam… I’m telling you that there is no way I’m going to throw away a perfectly good relationship over something that may not ever work out. It’s not worth it! And the truth is, I’m perfectly happy with the way things are now.” Another lie. She was all about denying her feelings for Kara, but deep inside she knew. She knew that her best friend was right. She wasn’t in love with James. She was in love with Kara. And no matter how hard she tried not to be, she couldn’t help it. Lena struggled, “We’ve been through a lot together. Kara - Kara understands me in a way that I don't think anyone has understood me before. She knows what I’ve been through - knows the sort of insecurities I suffer from on a daily basis, and she's always been there to support me without judgement. She’s my confidant. She’s my best friend! And I’m not - I repeat not!... going to risk my relationship with her.”

"Lena-"

"Please. Losing her would destroy me, Sam," Lena finally admitted. "I- I almost lost her because of my falling out with Supergirl, and it absolutely terrified me. I don't know what would happen to me if I didn't have her in my life anymore. She's... she's been that one person in my life that has challenged me to be better. Her unwavering faith in me - her adamancy that I am in fact a good person at heart, has made me want to be what she sees in me. And if I were to lose her? I'm scared of the person I might revert back to. I can't risk it."

“Please just be careful, Lena,” Sam sighed. She would never admit it to her best friend, but she still found herself rooting for the two of them, Lena and Kara. As peculiar a couple as they would be, and as convinced as Lena was that they would never work, Kara and Lena were perfectly matched in every sense of the word. They were equally passionate about doing good in the world, and had a lot of the same interests. Sam could understand Lena’s fears about losing the person that meant the most to her, but at the same time, Sam was convinced that Kara would never let anything destroy their friendship. She cared about Lena too damned much for that.

Sam also knew that Kara would lay down her life for Lena, and that was something that spoke for itself. No. She had no doubt they would be the couple that could make it through anything.

"I.... I will," Lena promised.

Lena had promised Sam, and she had meant it. But there's no way she could have known what fate would have in store for her.

“Lena?” James’ voice is enough to pull her back to the present. Lena can’t help but jump a little bit, as she suddenly and jarringly blinks, and finds herself back in the empty room where James had left her. James gently presses his hands to her shoulders as he tries to get Lena to look at him. “Lena?”

“What is it?” she questions. But she’s afraid of the answer that will follow.

“Okay,” James drops down in front of her, crouching on the balls of his feet. “So I just talked with Alex, who apparently just spoke with J’onn a few minutes ago. And… Kara’s alive. They have her stabilized. She’s alive. At least for now.”

“Yeah?” Lena almost sobs in relief.

“Yeah,” he confirms, “She’s okay. She’s still in pretty bad shape, but at least she’s alive.”

“Where is she?” Lena asks.

“I’m afraid that I can’t answer that,” James admitted. “From what I understand, she’s in a location not directly related to the DEO and will be there for the foreseeable future.”

“I just don’t want her to be alone,” Lena tells him as she fights back tears. “She must be so scared.”

“But she’s not alone…” James promises, “Okay? J’onn is there with her, and he will be for as long as Kara needs him. He promised Alex that she wouldn’t be alone.”

“She’s not alone,” he repeats, making sure that Lena hears him.

“And she’s going to make it?” Lena’s voice is weak as she looks James in the eyes. She knows that he would never lie to her.

“Barring any major complications, she has a chance,” James replies. “Lena,” he can’t help the large weighted breath that escapes him, “I’m not going to lie. There’s still a chance that she might not make it. According to Alex, Kara lost a large volume of blood, well over a third of it. But whatever they gave her to help fight the effects of the Kryptonite is working. It’s helped give her some of her strength back. And because of that, she has a fighting chance.”

“When will we know?” Lena breathes. Lena briefly glances down at her hands in order to find they are still shaking violently. James seems to notice this too, and takes them in his own, gently, while trying to calm her. He tries to ignore how cold they feel in his grasp. Lena’s hands are also sticky, and coated with stale, viscous blood.

“We won’t,” James replies honestly. “At least not until J’onn can get word to us again.”

“What do you mean?” Lena asks, with her brows furrowing in confusion. None of this makes sense to her.

“Well,” James awkwardly clears his throat, before speaking. “Apparently… wherever they are doesn’t have the best means of communication."

“Apart from that,” Lena breathes, “How long will it be until we know for sure?”

“Alex says that we can give Kara pretty good odds if she makes it through the next twenty-four hours, without any major life-threatening complications.” Lena nods, as a fresh sob breaks its way out of her throat. James watches her look down at their twined hands, with a look of regret on her face.

“James,” Lena’s voice is thick with regret as she pulls her hands away.

“Lena,” James breathes softly, almost hesitantly, his eyes locking onto her stained clothes. Lena still looks like she is in shock. “We should really get you cleaned up.” Lena nods, absently. Her eyes are glazed over, and he can’t help but think that she’s a long way away. She seems distant to him, almost unreachable. As gently as he can manage, James pulls her up from the chair. Together, they walk slowly down the hall. Lena feels self-conscious as she realizes that she can feel everyone else’s eyes on her as they pass.

James leads her to an empty locker room, which is empty due to the fact that it is in the middle of the shift. James sits her down on a bench inside the door, as he walks for Lena’s locker. Lena, who is still acting quite catatonic, just stares into the bleached white floors, listening to the locker rattle as James opens it. In another moment he is pulling out a spare tactical uniform. He shuts it and turns around. James pulls her up and led her into an adjacent room. Lena swallows as she realizes the room’s purpose. It is a shower room.

“James…” the name catches in the back of Lena’s throat, and she feels her stomach sink.

“Hey, it’s okay. I received permission from Alex. No one will be in here. And, hey, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll even stand guard outside,” James reassures her. “Lena, it’ll make you feel better. It really will. I promise.”

“You’ll wait outside?” Lena’s voice inflects slightly on her words, as she looks up and into James’ sympathetic and soft brown eyes.

“Of course,” James replies quickly. “Just give a shout if you need me, and I’ll be here.”

“James,” Lena’s voice is soft when she finally manages to speak up and say the words she’s desperately wanted to say for the last few minutes. She sounds remorseful, as she breathes out the words, “I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey,” James sounds so genuine, when he says them that it breaks Lena’s heart. She can’t help but think that he deserves better. He deserves so much better than her. “You don’t have to be sorry. Look, I know you love Kara. She… She is your best friend. And she is mine, too. It just...it hurts. So you don’t have to be sorry for anything, Lena. We’ll get through this together. Okay?” Lena just nods.

“Before I forget, avoid using the second stall if you want any warm water. That faucet seems to be broken.”

“Thank you,” Lena says honestly.

“Hey,” he smiles at her, “It’s nothing.”

“No,” Lena argues, “It’s not nothing. In fact, I would still be standing in the middle of the DEO looking like an idiot if it weren’t for you. So thanks.”

“Lena, I don’t blame you for feeling lost,” James swallows. “Look, we all have our breaking points, okay? Even those of us that deal with stuff like this on a daily basis have trouble with certain things. It…It’s a lot to take in.” He shakes his head. “To have someone you care about hurt that badly… It’s unbearable, it’s heartbreaking.” Lena feels her heart shatter as he says, “I can’t even imagine what it would have been like for me, if you had gotten hurt.” James looks away as realizes he is probably saying too much. “I still feel awful for not being able to protect you. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Lena says, “It’s not your fault, James. You did everything you could. Don’t feel bad about it. I mean Kara was a Super, and she barely defeated Reign. Humans like us stood no chance at all. It’s a miracle neither of us were killed.”

“Yeah,” he swallows and glances away. “I should...” James suddenly hesitates, looking awkwardly around. “I’ll let you get to it.”

Lena nods, heading for the third stall in the room. She sets the outfit James gave her on the stool outside, and walks in, pulling the curtain shut behind her with a squeak of metal on metal. James stays where he is for a long moment, until he hears the creak of the pipes as they come to life, and is sure that Lena has turned the water on.

Inside the stall, Lena waits, holding her breath until she hears James’ fading footsteps, and is sure that he has stepped outside.

Lena cranks the heat almost all of the way up. And in no time, the water is almost scalding hot. Steam billows into the shower stall, and the surrounding areas, as it is introduced to the rest of the world. Lena signs as it falls upon her.

Inside of the stall, Lena strips out of her clothes and tosses them onto the floor at her feet. As much as she tries to keep it together, sobs tear through her body.

Lena pauses as she catches sight of her hands. She hadn’t let herself look at them until now. Not really. She was too afraid of what she would see. But now? Now the sight was almost unavoidable.

Lena lifts and holds out her hands in front of her, watching as the water dilutes the thick, sticky substance coating her hands, and carries it away down the pipe.

The water suddenly pouring down the drain is a deep red, and Lena closes her eyes. She can’t bear the sight of it anymore.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize there are worse things to be wary of. With her eyes closed, Lena is transported back to the place where it happened. She never wants to see it again. And so naturally, it's the first thing her mind conjures up. She suddenly knows that the sight will haunt her for years to come. Kara’s blood had been everywhere. Nearly a third of Kara’s blood had spilled out onto the street, and Alex and Lena had been powerless to stop it.

I promised you that I would always protect you. I had to try and honor that promise. I never would have forgiven myself if anything had happened to you.

Lena throws out a hand to hold herself up against the shower wall, as another violent sob wracks through her body. She pushes herself under the scalding water of the faucet, hoping it will take away all of the blood, the pain, and the terrible memory of this day in particular. She reaches over to the dispensers, and starts cleaning herself until she is practically rubbing her skin raw. The water feels like thousands of tiny blades on her skin.

Lena’s eyes stay shut tight as she lets the water fall over her naked and vulnerable body as if it is cleansing her. But the water does not heal and cleanse her like she anticipated. Instead, it simply scorches and tortures her. In a second of weakness, an image of Kara flashes unbidden through Lena’s mind, and then another and another. Lena cries out into the empty room, as she recalls the empty, vacant look in Kara’s eyes. She struggles to breathe as remembers the wet, crackling breaths that escaped Kara’s lungs with each feeble breath.

Lena suddenly remembers feeling the warm, sticky blood, seeping out onto her hands, as she held Kara close.

Even through these memories and images, Lena feels the sting of the blistering water hitting her pale shoulders, which are quickly becoming red and raw under the heated spray. It is almost as if she were being jabbed with dozens of spears. And Lena wants to scream as a particularly heart-wrenching image of a lifeless Kara becomes stuck in her mind.

She can’t do this anymore. Lena can’t handle it. She opens her eyes to see the torrent of crimson streaming down from her hands and the rest of her body.

Lena cuts the spray, then, and falls to her knees as the stream slowly peters out.

Lena desperately needs to see a picture of her - anything other than this lifeless image of her that seems to be stuck in her head. 

Then, it hits her. She had countless pictures of the two of them on her phone. Hell, she had a picture from just last week, one before the world had imploded.

Lena swallows as she kneels over where her clothes lie discarded in the middle of the floor. They are drenched in Kara’s blood. She examines the shirt she’d been wearing closely. Lena knows that it is ruined, and there is no hope of salvaging it. The fabric of Lena’s shirt had sucked up Kara’s blood like a sponge, and it had saturated the fabric.

Lena uses her undershirt to wipe her hands, and stands up, plucking her phone from the floor as she does so. Everywhere Lena looks, a hateful crimson color surrounds her. It taunts her, even as she looks down at the phone that she once used to text Kara so many words of love and affection. Even her phone seems to have been coated in blood. Everything was covered in Kara’s blood…everything.

Lena fumbles with the device in her hands, trying to power it on. It's a moment before she realizes it. Her phone screen has been shattered. The device in her hands is useless. It might as well be a brick. 

It was just too much for her. Lena closes her eyes, and in one swift motion, Lena chucks her phone into the opposite shower wall with a loud, agonized scream.

Lena forces herself to turn the water on again. And steps under the scalding water once more, slamming her hand into the wall in a fit of anger.

She screams. Again and again, she screams out her pain, as she struggles to cope with the agony, and the knowledge that she will never get to see Kara again. She screams Kara’s name over and over again as she sobs. She screams herself hoarse. She screams herself raw, until her throat hurts every time she tries to swallow – until the time comes that she can scarcely breathe at all.

"Is this what you wanted?!” Lena screams, to an empty room. "Tell me! Is this what you wanted?! To leave me here like this, alone?” Then. “How could you do this to me? You claim to have loved me, but then you abandoned me like everyone else when I pleaded with you and begged you not to." Then. "How could you, Kara?"

“I love you,” Lena almost whimpers. “There, are you happy?! I loved you!" Lena repeats in a broken voice. "Is that what you wanted? For me to finally stop lying about my feelings? Because I’ll happily say it to you as many times as you want." Lena feels her heart wrench in her chest, as she screams "But you have to come back!" Hot angry tears streaked down Lena's face. Lena isn't sure that she will ever be able to forgive Kara for putting her through this - for forcing her to endure this emotional hell.

"God I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me! How could you do this to me?"

Lena screams her questions to the gods, all-the-while knowing that she will never get answers to them. But she demands to know anyway. Because she can’t imagine not knowing.

None of Kara’s answers had been good enough. The blonde had sacrificed herself for Lena, because she’d made Lena a promise and couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to her.

But Kara was the one who had been selfish.

Kara had admitted that she couldn’t bear the thought of Lena being taken from her, of having to watch as the love of her life slipped away. And so Kara had sacrificed herself, so that she wouldn’t have to watch Lena die. Instead, she'd made Lena suffer that fate. Lena had been the one who was forced to watch the love of her life bleed to death in her arms. Lena had been helpless to do anything as Kara slowly bled to death. And now Lena didn't know if she'd ever be able to deal with the anguish she was feeling.

Lena finally starts to calm a little, as she starts washing her hair. She opens her eyes, and stares at the wall in front of her, wondering if Kara was thinking of her now. She can’t help but wonder if Kara hurt like she did, knowing that she will never see Lena again.

Lena squeezes her eyes shut again, as she rinses off one last time, and then cuts the flow of the water.

Chapter Text

(National City, USA, Earth-38)

Lena wrings out her hair, as an eerie silence builds and takes over the room. It’s so quiet now, that Lena can hardly stand it. The only sounds she hears now, is the slow drip, drip, drip of the water falling from the tips of her fingers, and the ends of her hair. Lena breathes, heavily, hearing her rasping breaths echo around the shower stall. She wonders how far James has gone. She pushes back the curtain, with the screeching sound of metal against metal. It sounds a little too much like nails on a chalkboard for Lena’s liking, and so she only opens it a half a foot or so. Then, she pokes her head out of the side of the curtain, and looks around. She’s alone. That’s clear to her now as she looks around. James is gone. And part of her hopes that he hadn’t been too close. After all, she’d been screaming Kara’s name for the last several minutes, trying to get all of her hurt and anger out while she had the chance to be alone.

It hadn’t occurred to her, up until this point that she would need a towel to dry off with.

“Great,” Lena sighs to herself, before she ducks her head back inside of the stall. She’s going to have to air dry, or at least let most of the water drip off of her. Which is the absolute worst.

She shivers as the cool air in the rest of the room starts to sweep back into the space where she was standing, now that the hot water and steam wasn’t there to stave it off. “James?” Lena’s voice shakes. She sounds almost breathless, as she says, “James, are you still here? I seem to have forgotten to grab a towel.” Lena almost hates how rough her voice sounds in that moment. It honestly sounds like Lena had smoked a carton of cigarettes, or rubbed her vocal cords raw with a sheet of sandpaper.

“Lena?” Lena is almost shocked when she hears Winn’s voice respond to her, and not James’.

“Hey,” Lena feels her cheeks suddenly color with embarrassment. “I seem to have forgotten a towel. Could you help me out?”

“Sure,” Winn says. She can hear him open up a closet or storage locker of some sort, and she lets out a sigh of relief as she hears him start padding closer, with the coveted item clutched in his hands.

“I’m just going to set it down on top of your outfit, if that’s alright?” Winn questions quietly.

“Yeah,” Lena’s voice softens, “Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.” Then. “Hey, do you know where James went?”

“Oh, uh...” Winn hesitates, “He’s in the med-wing. He wasn’t feeling well, and Alex made him go get checked out. I guess he has a concussion, so they’re keeping him for observation.”

“Oh.”

“And, not to be the bearer of bad news,” Winn says, careful to break to news to her in a gentle way, “But Alex is insisting that you get checked out also.”

“Shit,” Lena laughs, “I was sort of hoping that Alex had forgotten about that.”

“I’m afraid not,” Winn replies. “I mean, according to Alex, Reign almost strangled you to death with her bare hands.”

“Don’t remind me,” Lena breathes, as she closes her eyes.

“Listen,” Lena swallows thickly, as she detects a peculiar sound. It almost sounds as if Winn is scuffing his feet nervously on the floor, as he tries to come up with the right thing to say. After a few tense moments, he finally seems ready to spit it out. “I...I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now, and I...I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you if you ever need to talk,” Winn tells her awkwardly.

“Oh,” Lena feels her stomach drop. Because the way he’s talking to her now, it sounds like he knows. “I - I take it that you heard my little breakdown?” Lena asks with a sad inflection of her voice.

“A little...” Winn admits, before he seems to rethink his answer. “Okay, so I pretty much heard everything.”

“Did… Did James hear?” Lena asks, as she braces herself against the shower wall and closes her eyes.

“No,” Winn shakes his head. “Thankfully, he was gone before that point.”

“Oh, thank god,” Lena sighs in relief.

“Lena-”

“Shit, I...I don’t know what I was thinking. It would have really hurt him, if he’d heard,” Lena whispers. “I just… I don’t know what to do. It hurts so much, and I just – I had to get it out somehow.”

“Hey, I know that you probably don’t want to hear this right now,” Winn says, “But you really need to tell him. You need to tell him how you feel about Kara. He cares about you, Lena, and-”

“I know,” Lena admits, “I know. And I will. I just...I need some time to think of what to say.”

“Just be honest,” Winn tell her. “Look, no one is going to fault you for loving her, Lena. Because we’ve all loved her at one point or another. And I’m including myself in that.”

“Somehow, I think James might disagree with you,” Lena laughs hollowly.

“Sure, he’ll be hurt, because he really cares about you,” Winn says, “But the last thing he’d want is to get in the way of your happiness. And he definitely would not want to be somebody’s second choice. I know it’s the last thing you want to do, but you… you have to tell him. At least then it’s all in the open. Whether you guys choose to work through it or not, I have no idea. But honesty is important.”

“Do you really think he’d want to stay with someone who has feelings – romantic feelings for someone else?”

“I can’t say,” Winn replies honestly. “The truth is, I have no idea how James will react, apart from the fact that he’ll be hurt. But I also know that he really cares about you, Lena. He will want you to be okay. He’ll want you to be happy.”

“Happy?” Lena says in disbelief. “The woman I love is gone, Winn. And I’m pretty sure she’s never coming back. She can’t.”

“No,” Winn says determinedly, “No, I refuse to accept that. She’s coming back, Lena. I don’t know how long it’ll be before she comes back, but I do know in my heart of hearts that she will.” Then. “Look, I know it’s hard not to lose faith, especially after days like today. But one thing I know, is that Kara will never let anything get in the way of her and her family. And you’re her family. She’ll move heaven and earth, in order to come back, if she has to.”

“I really hope you’re right about that, Winn,” Lena breathes.

“I am,” he sounds so sure in that moment, that Lena can’t help but envy him. She wishes she could have that kind of optimism. “Hey,” he says after a moment. “I’ll step out for a moment. I imagine you’re getting pretty cold in there. Just give a holler if you need me, okay? I’ll be right outside the door.”

“I will,” Lena promises. “Thank you, Winn.”

“Anytime, Lena,” Winn says. She waits until she can’t her him anymore and ducks her head out into the main area.

Much to her surprise, her eyes fell onto a crisp white towel neatly folded on the top of the clothes that had been set out. She is suddenly grateful to Winn for his kindness. She dries off methodically, drying her face and neck first. Then she moves onto her limbs, and finally her torso, before ruffling her hair and drying her shoulders and back. She reaches out and grabs the all black tactical outfit. She slips the 5-11 Tactical black cargo pants on first. She’s pleased, when they fit her perfectly. Then, she pulls on an undershirt, and all black tactical shirt. Her underclothes and her shoes are ruined, so she leaves them where they are.

She nearly laughs when she catches sight of the little footies lying under the stool. Winn had thought of everything, it seemed. Lena quickly pulls them on and walks out. She can’t bring herself to touch her clothes, which despite being diluted by water, are still saturated with Kara’s blood.

“Winn? I’m dressed,” Lena announces.

“Hey,” Winn’s voice has Lena jumping and turning around.

“You feel better?” he asks sheepishly.

“Much,” Lena admits, quickly averting her eyes. “Thank you.”

It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable. In fact, Winn was nothing less than amazing. It just felt awkward because he knew one of her deepest secrets, one she’d never been able to tell a living soul. And Winn was being so kind to her even though he knew she was about to hurt his best friend. “I umm…I left the clothes in the stall,” Lena breathes feeling weak and embarrassed. “I…I couldn’t bring myself to touch them.” Then she adds. “I’m sorry.” She walks to the nearest bench and sits down. He notices that although she looks a little more put together, the absent look in her eyes is still there.

“No,” Winn breathes, “Don’t be sorry. I’ll go grab them.” She watches as he grabs a biohazard bag and walks over to the stall. He stuffs her clothes into it, and throws it into a special basket in the back of the locker room.

“Thank you,” she barely whispers as he returns.

“Lena…” Winn says sadly. “It’s nothing.”

“No,” Lena says emphatically. “Don’t shrug it off as being nothing. I mean it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Lena,” Winn tells her.

“Do you know what the worst thing about all of this is?” Lena asks him after a minute of tense silence.

“No,” Winn admits, “What?”

“I never even told her,” Lena mutters, with her head cradled in her hands. “Can you believe that? In fact, I’m pretty sure that she thinks I-” Lena trails off. She can’t bear the thought that Kara might think such a thing.

“Thinks that you what?” Winn presses as he sits down next to her, with his brow furrowed.

“We butted heads so much recently,” Lena admits. “The fact is, I was so cold to her all of the time, and I was constantly telling her we weren’t friends. She probably thought that I hated her.”

“Lena, no,” Winn shakes his head. “Absolutely not. I can promise you that she never thought that. Sure, she might have been hurt when you said that you weren’t friends. But I think she also understood that she’d broken your trust. And your relationship with her - Kara her – well, it was fine. She cherished your time together. And any doubts that she had about your relationship with her, were largely expunged.”

“But I never told her-”

“Lena, listen to me,” Winn says intensely, but calmly. “I..., I know that this is probably going to be hard for you to accept, but there are more ways to express how you feel about someone,” Winn argues. “Relationships are so much more than words. In fact, sometimes words aren’t needed at all.”

“Hey, did you know that over 55% of communication is interpreted via non-verbal means? While only 7% of communication is actually expressed with verbal means? So you tell me! What’s more important? Words? Or gestures?” There was a small bit of silence before Winn said, “So, yeah, you may not have explicitly expressed your feelings for her, but I’m pretty sure Kara knew you cared about her.”

“I just...” Lena’s voice breaks. “I miss her, Winn. I would give anything to hold her right now.” Then. “In fact, if she were here? I’d just hold onto her, and never let go.”

“Look,” Winn says quietly, “I know it’s probably not the same, but would you like a hug? I’ve been told that I give really good hugs.”

“I would like that,” Lena says. And she sighs as he pulls her into a hug.

He’s right. It’s not the same as hugging Kara. But it’s still a pretty good source of comfort to her nonetheless. Lena just closes her eyes buries her face into his shirt, and holds on. She breathes deeply in the silence, trying to hold onto the thought that having Kara alive out there somewhere was still better than not having her at all.

It might be difficult - nigh impossible – to make it safe for Kara to return. But Lena was going to find a way to make it so. Because she couldn’t imagine never seeing her again.

“Winn?” Lena swallows thickly as she lifts her head from his shoulder.

“Yeah?” he asks in a quiet, dulcet voice.

“I know that you probably have a lot on your plate at the moment,” Lena says quietly. “But...will you help me? Will you help me find a way to-”

“Bring her home?” Winn finishes for her. “Of course. I’d love to help. And...I’m sure that Brainy would be willing to help, too.” Then. “We’re going to find a way to help her, Lena. But unfortunately it might be a while before we’re able to do it. Do you think you can hold on until then?”

“Well, it’s not like I really have a choice, do I?” Lena laughs hollowly, with her voice and her heart empty of warmth. “I have to.”

(Secret DEO facility, Somewhere in Canada)

(J'onn's POV)

J’onn slowly glances up, as he hears a faint knock against the glass outside of Kara’s room. All of his movements are almost slow and almost lethargic, now. He’s been keeping vigil at Kara’s bedside for almost a week, too afraid to leave her alone. Mainly, because he doesn't want Kara to wake up, and find herself alone. He knows that she will likely be scared, and confused. When J’onn finally lays eyes on the person who knocked at the door, he couldn't help but feel a spike of surprise. He isn't prepared to see Brainiac-V, standing there with a look of apprehension on his face. It's as if the man, doesn't know what to do. And normally, he would want to laugh at the awkwardness. But he really truly feels for Brainy. And he knows Brainy genuinely cares about Kara.

J’onn quickly motions for Brainy to come inside, before he can retreat.

“Hey,” J’onn tries to offer Brainy a friendly smile, but instead it comes across as more of a grimace.

“Hey,” Brainy returns quietly. From the sound of it, it almost seems like he is afraid of disturbing the peace.

“Don’t mind me,” J’onn speaks softly, “Come on in.”

“I… I don’t mean to intrude,” Brainy replies in a soft whisper, “I can come back later.” However, before Brainy can slip out the door, J’onn stops him.

“Please,” he asserts, his voice low and holding some authority to it. “Stay. She’d want you to stay.” Brainiac-V nods, swallowing over the golf ball sized lump in his throat. He feels guilty for intruding, but he listens to J'onn and steps further into the room. Brainiac-V slowly walks over to the chair at Kara’s bedside. He tries to relax, as he listens to the sound of Kara’s heartbeat echoing around the room. She's alive. Surely, he must take some comfort in that, given the circumstances.

“How is she?” Brainy asks J'onn, as he scrutinizes Kara’s slumbering form.

“As good as can be expected,” J’onn replies calmly. “Her vitals are good. It looks like she’s going to pull through this, after all.” Brainy then lets out a heavy sigh of relief. He’d been told this several times already, but his anxiousness makes it almost hard to believe. It was incredibly easy for the doubt to creep in. Especially when so much time had passed by already and Kara still hadn’t woken up.

As you might know, Brainy was a man of numbers. After all, numbers helped him see the world around him in a way that made sense. He could tell you the probabilities of just about everything. But sometimes, things just defied logic. Brainy always felt a bit lost, when that happened.

“Here,” J’onn says as he hands him Kara’s chart. “You can probably make better sense of this than I can.”

“Well,” Brainy breathes quietly as he looks over the chart, “Based on what I’m seeing. There is certainly reason for optimism. Her vitals look very good for someone who was speared through the chest with Kryptonite.” He pauses for a moment, to assess things further. “The isotope did its job well," he admits with a hint of pride in his voice, "It saved her."  But then he feels crestfallen as he sees something he doesn't like, "However, I don’t like the radiation levels that I’m seeing in her blood. She’s going to suffer long term effects if we can’t find a way to purge it from her system, soon.”

“What do you mean?” J’onn can’t help but ask worriedly.

“Well, you know Overgirl? From Earth-X?”

“You’re joking,” J’onn says in nothing short of disbelief. "Please tell me you're joking."

“Believe me,” Brainiac says, his voice full of anguish, “I wish I were.” He takes a levied breath. “It’ll most likely start as radiation sickness. But eventually, if the problem isn’t resolved, it’ll prove fatal.”

“No,” J’onn denies this possibility.

“Don’t worry,” Brainy says. “Lena and Winn are already working on the problem. And I fully intend on joining them. We’ll come up with a solution before long. But I’m afraid that you’re going to have to take her off planet until then. Unfortunately, the risk of keeping her on Earth is too high. If she does go the way of Overgirl, it would be catastrophic.”

“And Alex agrees?” J’onn can’t help but question.

“Yes,” Brainy nods. “Here,” he says as he hands J’onn several items. “I came up with a way that we can communicate while you’re on Mars. It’s a little tricky, since we don’t have any satellites orbiting Mars that can pick up our transmissions, but I think I figured out a way to make it work. I’ve set up a relay that will allow you to bounce transmissions to where you need them to go. But I think that I should warn you that there will be a significant delay, because of the distance.” 

“She’s going to hate this,” J’onn whispers aloud. “I feel like we’ve given her a fate that is worse than death. We’ve robbed her of her chance at peace, in favor of something so much worse.”

“I know,” Querl agrees with him. "I'd like to be able to tell you that she'll understand the decisions that have been made. But... But for the foreseeable future, it might be hard for her to see the other side of it. Eventually, once this all plays out, she might be able to look back on this with gratitude and understanding. But truthfully? She's probably going to be furious when she wakes up and finds out what we've done. Mainly because Earth is her home, and she can’t bear the thought of leaving the people she loves behind,” Brainy adds.

"Oh god," Jonn exhales, as he lifts his hands to his face and breathes into them, "What am I going to say to her when she wakes up? She's going to be so devastated."

"The truth," Brainy answers. "You tell her the truth. After all, that's all you can do. The rest? The rest is up to her. How she chooses to deal with her life now, is up to her. But Kara is literally the strongest person I've ever met. If anyone is strong enough to handle this, it's her."

“I hope to God that you’re right about that,” J’onn says to him as his hands fall away and he meets the other man's gaze, “Because ultimately? I am the one that will be answering to her. And I can’t bear the thought that she might hate us for what we’ve done.”

“Here,” Brainy says, as he pulls one more item from his person and hands it to J'onn. “I would hold onto this for the rare moment that she’s particularly despondent. But I would only give it to her as a last resort.”

“What is it?” J’onn asks, as he examines the envelope in his hand.

“It’s a beacon of hope,” Brainy responds. “But beyond that, I’m afraid that it’s private.”

“Oh. I think I understand,” J’onn nods, as he's hit with the revelation of exactly what he's holding. “I will make sure that Kara gets this. Thank you.”

“Take good care of her, okay?” Brainy says earnestly, as he stands, walks over, and presses a hand to J’onn shoulder. “She means a lot to all of us.”

“I know,” J’onn acknowledges. “She means a lot to me too. I’ll take good care of her. And I’ll be in touch with you soon.”

“Alex wants frequent updates, so please try to adhere to the schedule as much as possible,” Brainy quietly reminds him.

“I will,” J’onn assures him. “Have a safe trip back to National City.”

“Take care, J'onn,” Brainy murmurs quietly, as he heads for the door, "And thank you for all you've done."

In another moment, Brainy has slipped out the door and has shut it behind him with a soft click. J'onn is alone again.

J’onn sits still for several long minutes, just staring at Kara’s immovable form on the bed. His eyes linger on the wires running from her body to the monitors behind her, and swallows uncomfortably as he pays close attention to the numbers on its screen. Kara is breathing on her own now. And the thought makes his heart race. It is a good thing, of course, but it also makes him incredibly uneasy.

His eyes dart back to the door, and then move quickly around the room. Slowly he reaches out for Kara’s limp hand. He holds it, cradling it tightly in his own. Hours later, and several visitors later, J’onn is still there at his post, holding his place at her side. With a gruff sigh, he reaches up to rub over the stubble composing much of his jaw as he tries to keep himself awake. His head bobs back and forth every often as he nearly falls asleep. However, he always seems to catch himself just before falling into sleep.

Eventually, his resistance collapses and he slumps over. With a deep relaxed breath he falls into the darkness and accepts it with welcome arms. For the first time in a week, he feels at peace.

Give in, give in. I want you back
One heart, one too many to stomach
Love bites so deep, and we got tiger teeth

The Department of Extra-normal Operations

(The Past)

Kara lifted up her hand to her mouth and yawned into her fist, as she skimmed over the black and white text that was written in the report she currently held tightly in her other hand. All of Lena’s latest trials with synthetic black-Kryptonite had resulted in undeniable failure, and things were tense at the DEO. They were all well aware of the stakes.

If they don't figure out a way to separate Sam from Reign soon, there wasn’t going to be anyone left to save.

Lena had gone to get more coffee, and Kara was alone temporarily, looking through page after page of results on the computer. In a daze, Kara set the file down on the table next to the keyboard, and started going through page after page of results as fast as she possibly can manage, making it through hundreds of pages in the span of a few minutes. Kara shook her head and felt herself sigh out of sheer frustration. What they were doing wasn’t working. And Kara knew it.

There was only one other thing left for them to do now, and Kara knew that it will not be easy. The truth is, she was dreading it with every fibre of her being.

She would have to go back to the place where her journey had began - back to the place where she’d lost everything. 

A feeling of absolute dread washed over her, as she finally realized that she didn't have a choice. She was going to have to do the thing she dreaded the most - face her past.

She was going to have to go back to Krypton.

She could only hope that she might be able to find the fabled Harun-El in the planet’s wreckage.

Kara could no longer choke back a faint curse, as the realization hits her square in the chest. "I've got to go back," Kara sighed, as she reached up to rub at the taut muscles of her forehead, trying to ease the sudden frustration that she felt there. She felt tears build in her eyes, as she let her feelings settle over her, and overwhelm her with their severity.

"Why even try?" Reign taunted her from behind the force-field, "You have to know that saving me won't earn you her forgiveness. She'll still hate you just as much as before."

"I know," Kara nearly growled in agitation. Before she added, in a resigned fashion, "I know that."

"Then why bother?"

"Because," Kara shot back angrily, her words sharp as she spat them out, "It's the right thing to do."

"You know, you try to hide your feelings, but you do a terrible job," Reign told her, "I can read you like an open book, Supergirl."

"Excuse me?" Kara was forced to do a double take. "What are you trying to say?"

"Oh, please, I think you know," Reign scoffed. "The truth is, I'm pretty sure everyone can see how desperately in love with her you are. It's not exactly subtle." Then, following a short pause, Reign went in for the kill, "It's just a shame that she'll never feel the same way about you. Face it. You're going to die alone, Supergirl, in a puddle of your own blood with no one there to help you." Kara let out a sharp breath as she felt the truth behind those words. Because she knew that Reign was right. Lena would never feel the same way about her. And the chances of Kara dying were high.

Just then, Kara heard Lena's footsteps drawing near, and Kara quickly hit the button on the desk in order to make the force-field opaque so that a solid wall sprang up between herself and Reign. She didn't want Reign to say anything else that would give her feelings away. And it was clear, that Reign liked making as much trouble as she could, especially when it came to Kara and Lena.

Kara released the computer mouse, and stepped back from the screen just as Lena neared the desk, with two paper cups clutched carefully in her delicate hands.

“Coffee?” the inflection of Lena’s voice sent shivers coursing unbidden through Kara’s shoulders. Even now, Lena's voice surrounded and wrapped around Kara like a warm blanket.

Kara didn't know when exactly, but she'd fallen in love with the timbre of Lena's voice long ago. 

"Uh, sure," Kara responded, wincing at how uncertain she sounded. She turned, and wearily reached out to take the coffee from her when it was offered, bracing for that inevitable touch of their hands. The exchange was quick, feather light, but Lena’s fingers still brushed along hers enough to send an electric shock shooting up Kara's forearm. Kara felt her fingers twitch helplessly in response, while desperately trying to hide how affected she was by this small source of contact.

“Thanks,” Kara smiled softly, meeting Lena’s eyes for the briefest of seconds before she tore her eyes away again.

“You’re welcome,” Lena breathed. "I just figured you could use it. You look like crap." 

Kara just shook off the comment - trying to ignore the barb in Lena's words, and the way in which they tore her up as they dug deep into her fragile emotional state. Kara glanced away, desperate to hide the way that Lena made her feel.

Lena took this rare opportunity to study Supergirl for a long moment, trying to discern just what it was about her expression and demeanor that seemed off. To her, it looked as if Supergirl hadn’t slept in days. 

If you come around, if you come around again
You better not come in, you better stay outside
Cause I can't hold my ground, I can't hold my ground, I can't
Not if you look me in, you look me in the eyes

She watched as Kara took a healthy sip of the scalding liquid, before carefully setting it on the table a safe distance away from the computer.

Kara let out a sigh, before planting her hands on the cool metal surface and leaning over. Lena watched in fascination and concern, as the blonde leant against the metal desk, and closed her eyes. Lena watched helplessly, her heartbeat ticking upwards as she noticed the ripple of the strong muscles of Supergirl's back and shoulders. She felt a pang of sympathy as she watched those same shoulders sag downwards in exhaustion and fatigue a moment later.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, Supergirl, but you... look exhausted,” Lena commented, finally. This time her words were almost soft with concern, and didn't hold any of the edge they did earlier.

She was all too aware that Supergirl - Kara - didn't respond.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Lena couldn't help but ask

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Kara replied as she rubbed her eyes with her thumb and forefinger, trying to remove some of the sting in them. They were sore, and slightly bloodshot. For a moment, she saw stars, then, as she eased up on the pressure and removed her fingers, she saw orange. "I'm just trying to think."

Kara kept her eyes closed for a long moment, wishing more than anything that she could just lie down somewhere and take a nap.

But she knew she could not. Because every time Kara closed her eyes for more than a few moments, the nightmares came.

Finally, Kara opened them, and squinted as she became used to the lights in the room once more.

Kara took a steadying breath in an attempt to calm herself. After all, it  was hard for her to be here, in this room.

This room held far too many memories for Kara’s liking. Because this is the room where things had seemingly fallen apart between them.

Deep down, in Kara's heart of hearts, Kara knew that Reign was right. There would be no saving their relationship.

The thing Kara had feared the most had come to pass, and there was absolutely nothing that Kara could do about it now. She could bring Lena the moon, and the stars, and Kara knew that Lena would still never forgive her. They were no longer a Super and a Luthor. And they never would be again. Lena despised her. She probably always would.

In the beginning, Kara had been optimistic - as she always was in these kinds of things. But Lena had made it abundantly clear. She didn’t want to salvage what they had. The trust between them was gone, and the friendship between them was over.

Hell, Lena had been all too happy to tell Kara that they had never been anything to begin with.

"About?" Lena prompted, hoping to get more from her.

Kara let out another long, weighted breath. Again, the blonde seemed to be weighing words and responses in her mind. And in the end, Kara opted to say nothing at all. She must have deemed everything unworthy of a response.

"Supergirl-" Lena began. But she found herself hesitating at the last possible moment.

Instead, she gently pressed a hand to Supergirl's shoulder.

She almost hoped it would offer the Superhero some much needed comfort, but instead, it seemed to have the opposite effect.

Lena tried to ignore the spike of pain that went cascading through her as Supergirl flinched away from her touch.

It was such a contrast to the way things used to be, that it only intensified the feelings of helplessness that they both felt.

Kara seemed to pick upon the mood of the room, because she muttered out a quick apology.

"Sorry," Kara apologized. She didn't know what she was apologizing for exactly. She didn't know if she was apologizing for flinching away from Lena's touch, or if she was apologizing for the other hundred things she'd done wrong lately.

"No," Lena shook her head, "It's my fault, I shouldn't have touched you like that without your permission."

"It's fine," Kara tried to reassure her - tried to insist that Lena hadn't done anything wrong. "I just...wasn't expecting it," Kara spoke after a moment, unable to bear the tension any longer. Lena seemed to accept that explanation without further argument.

She desperately wanted to say something, but she didn't know where to begin. She honestly had no idea where to even start. The chasm between them had grown so large, it honestly felt like there was no way for her to leap to the other side.

They both resumed their work together in earnest. With very few words exchanged between them.

The air between them was thick - so thick now, Lena almost found it hard to breathe. She couldn't take it. She couldn't take it anymore. God help her, but something had to change. 

She missed the smiles, the small touches, the bright blue glint in Supergirl's gaze when she looked at her.

 A tiger in my heart again
When you swallow someone whole, you are bound to choke
Well, I guess we can never be friends
I ate you up the day we first spoke

"You really do look tired," Lena noted. "When is the last time you slept, anyway?" Lena questioned her companion several minutes later.

"Truthfully? I- I don't know," Kara admitted after a long contemplative moment.

"You don't know?" Lena repeated incredulously.

"I-" Kara tried to speak, but the words got trapped in her throat. She swallowed briefly as she tried to pull herself together, and then said "Look, it's really not a big deal. Okay? I don't need as much sleep as humans do, and I can usually get by just fine without it." But Lena scoffed at this. After all, the idea was preposterous. Everyone needed sleep - even Superheroes who were way too stubborn for their own good.

"Come on," Lena said with a flash of her eyes, her voice doing very little to hide her disbelief. "That's bullshit and you know it."

Kara ignored her, and busied herself with something else.

“Supergirl-” Lena said apprehensively, after a full minute of tense silence. The truth is, she couldn’t take the silence anymore. 

"Hey, why don't you try to get some sleep?" Lena asked. "I can hold down the fort for a few hours, if you'd like."

"No," Kara responded to the suggestion quickly. A little too quickly if she was being honest. "I couldn't possibly do that to you. I mean... Rao, what if something happened while I was gone? I'd never forgive myself. The truth is, I need to be here."

"Well, the forcefield has held so far," Lena said with a hint of pride in her voice.

"That may be true," Kara agreed, "But Reign is getting stronger every day. She could find a way to break through."

"You need sleep," Lena argued.

"I told you. I'm fine! I may need a break at some point," Kara replied. "But right now is not that time."

Kara swallowed thickly as she thought about the real reason why she didn't even want to try to lay down. She only hoped that Lena couldn’t read her mind.

But of course, Lena was far too observant for her own good.

"What's really going on?" Lena asked. But then she seemed to answer her own question. "Wait. I think I know what's going on. You're afraid..." Lena stated. Kara was well aware that it was a statement and not a question. "You're afraid of sleeping."

"Please. That's ridiculous." Kara denied.

"Don't," Lena responded, her voice holding a sharp edge to it as she said, "You may think you can fool me, but I can tell that you're lying." Again, Kara opted not to respond, further frustrating her.

“What's the issue? Are you having nightmares?” Lena asked worriedly, her brow wrinkling in concern as she met Kara's sheepish expression. And Lena's gaze softened as Kara's eyes gave everything away. Again, Kara opted not to give a response. It drove her mad.

“Please, I know that things between us… aren't the best right now,” Lena said after struggling to get the words out. “But-” Lena faltered, as she seemingly lost momentum.

Why does this have to be so hard? This is wrong. She’s been trying so hard to pretend that she doesn’t care about Supergirl – that she doesn’t want to salvage what they have, but it’s a fucking lie. Because she cares. She cares, damn it! And she can’t bear to see Supergirl hurting like this anymore.

"But what?" Kara challenged.

And Lena was suddenly left floundering for a response. After all, she couldn't exactly say, 'I want you to know that I'm.... I'm here for you.' Not after everything else that was said. She couldn't even offer her the comfort that she wanted to. How could she claim to still care about Supergirl, when she'd flat out declared that they weren't friends?

“I -" Lena choked back a groan as she said, "Look, I know that I don't have any right to say this after what I said to you the other day, but I still... I still care about you. Okay?"

"You still care about me," Kara repeated to her. She said the words slowly. So slowly, in fact, that it seemed as if she were trying to make some sort of point as to how preposterous those words seemed. Or at the very least, it seemed like Supergirl was trying to parse out what Lena was really trying to say.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... that I’m here if you need to talk,” Lena declared, as she gazed deep into the depths of baby blue eyes. But again, Kara flinched away from the connection.

Kara felt a surge of guilt as she stared back into her eyes, because as much as Lena's secret had hurt her, she still couldn’t bring herself to reveal hers. She was still keeping the truth from her. A secret so big that she knew it would destroy what little she and Lena had left between them, if the Luthor heiress were to ever find out.

No. Kara couldn't do it. They’d been through enough already.

Give in, give in. I want you back
One heart, one too many to stomach
Love bites so deep, and we got tiger teeth
Give in, give in. I want you back
Keep count, one too many to stomach
Love bites so deep (and we got tiger teeth)

“I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I'm fine,” Supergirl replied. "And I really don't need you to take pity on me, Lena. In fact, it would help if you didn't try to muddy the waters. It's hard for me to know what you mean, when you say stuff like that to me. Especially after you've made it abundantly clear that I mean nothing to you."

"That's not what I said," Lena argued, protesting vociferously.

"Not word for word. But that was the sentiment," Kara pointed out. "And I'm smart enough to get the message."

"Super-"

"How about we just agree to just leave that stuff alone?" Kara effectively cut off her next words. "I...The truth is, I don't want to fight about this stuff anymore. I'm too damned tired to keep fighting with you about this. At some point, we have to just let it all go."

"So you admit you're exhausted?" Lena inquired.

"I never denied it," Kara pointed out infuriatingly. And Lena had to restrain herself. She opened her mouth to speak, but Kara effectively cut her off.

“You don't have to worry about it. Okay?,” Kara replied honestly. “I’ve just had my hands full lately, and I haven’t been able to turn off my thoughts at night.”

Kara’s voice was curt, as she said, “Let’s just get back to work.” Kara breathed heavily again, as she felt Lena’s eyes on her.

She tried not to squirm under Lena's scrutiny. But Kara also knew she was looking a little rough around the edges. Perhaps all of the stress she'd been under was finally starting to show. 

Kara's hair was usually so soft, and shiny - and her make-up expertly done. This morning, however, she was wearing minimal make-up, and her hair looked a lot more wild and untamed than it usually did. She’d figured that she could run back to her apartment during her lunch-break to clean herself up a bit. But that plan had gone up in flames. Literally. An apartment fire downtown had thrown that plan right out of the window.

Lena huffed. “I’m just trying to help.”

"And I'm telling you that I don't need your help, nor want it," Kara bit back. "Listen, we've got a job to do. so how about we just get it over with? Then we can go back to being sworn enemies or whatever.”

"Please, I can tell that you're still-" Lena spoke.

"Still what?" Kara spat. There were so many words that Kara could think of to fill in the blanks.

Lena opened her mouth to choke out some sort of response, but Kara was not in the mood. She had no desire to hear what Lena had to say.

Kara didn't think she could bear it, honestly.

"Can we please not do this right now?" Kara cut her off. "You've already made your feelings towards me abundantly clear."

"I know," Lena acknowledged.

"I suppose that I could beg more... plead for your forgiveness," Kara told her, "But I think it's fairly obvious that it won't get us anywhere. And I think it's time that we move on from this." 

"And what if I don't want to just give up on us... on this?" Lena breathed, "What if I've changed my mind?"

"Then, I'd say it's not the time for it," Kara responded. She tried to ignore the look of pain that went skittering across Lena's face. "Because as much as it means to me, our relationship - our friendship - can't be the focus right now. Sam needs us to focus. She needs us to put whatever this all is aside, so that we can save her. And then...maybe when this is all over, we can try to salvage what's left, but I don't know."

"You see," Lena sighed, "It scares me when you say stuff like that. Because you make it sound like -"

"Lena," Kara cut her off with a shake of her head, "I can't do this right now." Then, in an altogether frustrated and defeated voice she said, "You're the one that said you wanted to focus on the work, so please, can we just focus on the work?" 

Lena let out a sigh, as she realized how much she hated this tension between them. She'd been having a lot of second thoughts about everything. And the truth is, a large part of her still hated how everything went down. She feared that she'd been way too hard on Supergirl. But it was already too late. The damage had very clearly already been done. Lena was a Luthor. And unfortunately one of the traits she acquired from her time in the Luthor household, was her inability to forgive and forget. She found herself holding grudges, whether she wanted to or not.

Don't you call me on the telephone
Don't make plans with my friends
I think that it's best if you leave me alone
When I'm with you I just want to play pretend

“Please! Can I just ask one more thing before I leave it all alone? What....are your nightmares about?" Lena questioned her after an entire minute of silence. The silence built to intolerable levels as they worked.

"I never said-" Kara started to say, but Lena cut her off before she could say anything more.

"You didn't have to," Lena cut in. "Come on. As much as you hate me right now, I still know you. And I can tell that it's bothering you."

"Lena-" Kara's voice softened, "I don't hate you." Lena always seemed to be able to read her better than anyone. It was both a blessing and a curse. And it was one of the many reasons she loved Lena so much.

"It's weird," Lena swallowed, acknowledging Kara. "You have to be one of the bravest, most unflappable people I've ever met. And yet you're scared of a few nightmares?"

"They're not just nightmares, okay?" Kara argued. "They're more. It's like they're visceral. The things I feel, the things I experience? You can't even imagine it."

"Do they have to do with the World-killers?” Lena asked calmly, her brows wrinkling in concern as she attempted to meet Kara’s gaze. She immediately knew she was onto something when Kara immediately turned away. Lena could hear a small whoosh as air forced its way out of Kara's lungs. 

Kara was tense, her shoulder muscles were tight as she stood rigidly. She was staring at the wall with a gaze so hot, it’s a miracle that she didn’t burn a hole in it with her heat vision. Kara tried not to flinch as she felt a hand press into her shoulder.

“Supergirl,” Lena’s voice was soft, but intense. Kara let out a weighted breath as she heard Lena’s soft exhale, “Please, I know that what I'm asking is personal, but it's also extremely relevant to what we're doing. If the dreams are prophetic in any way, it would be good to know. We need to know what is coming." The last word was breathed so soft, that Kara almost missed it.

“Fine,” Kara’s voice faltered. This conversation felt incredibly personal, but Lena was right. The dreams were relevant, and could be important to their cause. “You're right,” Kara admitted, Then, Kara paused for a moment, before she was able to make her confession, "Yes. I'm having dreams about the World-killers."

“And what exactly happens in the dreams, if you don't mind me asking?”

“Trust me, you don’t want to know the answer to that,” Kara exhaled.

“Would you tell me anyway?” Lena pleaded. Then, "Please, I don't want to dredge up bad memories, but this is important."

Kara closes her eyes and tries to remember.

"It's... orange, and everything is obscured and blurry because of the smoke. The shapes are kind of hard to make out. The truth is, they're almost indecipherable in the haze. It's blurry. Probably because my eyes are full of tears and they burn. It's hot - hotter than anything I've ever felt in my life. It... It honestly feels like my skin is slowly being seared from my bones. Rao. I forgot how much it hurts."

Lena tries to speak, but the words get caught in her throat.

"The world... the whole world is burning. The trees, the grass, the sky. Oh Rao, Lena, everything is on fire. I can see Reign wandering in the flames, standing over dead bodies." Lena flinches at the imagery Kara is painting for her. "And I hear screams," Kara is crying now. Her eyes are burning beneath her eyelids, as she experiences the horror all over again. "So many screams. God they're so loud. I....I want so desperately to tune them out. But - to do so would be a betrayal. They need me to help them. They're counting on me to do something, and I can't." Kara's voice breaks on the word and Lena's heart shatters. "I'm so powerless."

Kara can vaguely feel a hand grasp her own.

"All I can do is watch as the world is devoured, and It's...it's awful. I just want to help them. Why can't I help them?"

"Hey.. it's okay," Lena's voice is soft, and so distant, but Kara felt comfort as the hand in hers squeezed. "I know it feels like it is, but it's not real. I promise you it's not real. It's just a bad dream - a memory of a dream. Try to remember that." 

Lena was suddenly all too aware that Kara is completely silent.

"What happens next?"

"Those that are left alive after the fires, watch helplessly as crops wilt and die before them. It happens quickly - faster than you can even imagine. All the remaining crops, trees, plants, and those things that are lucky enough to survive the initial fire wither and die."

"All of them?"

"All of them."

"Ash is falling from the sky. People are crying out from hunger, begging for food - for anything. They're tugging at me, pleading for me to give them something to eat. But I've got nothing to give them. I tell them I'm sorry, but they stare at me with deadened eyes. The people now are emaciated. They're slowly dying in front of me. Again, they plead with me to be saved, but I do not have the medicine to save them. I'm... I'm useless. I can't... I can't save them. I can't-” the sob that breaks free as Kara's eyes snap open, tugs at Lena in ways that she is not prepared for. It almost feels like her chest is being ripped open. And Lena would give anything to take that pain away.

.........

Lena quickly pulled over a chair and carefully eased Kara down onto it, after she saw the way that Kara was suddenly swaying on her feet. It was as if the memory had sucked away what little energy that Kara had left.

“Have - Have you told anyone else about this?”

“I told Alex a little while back,” Kara admitted. “But she seems to think that the dreams are less prophetic than I think they are.”

“Is there anything else? Or is it always the same dream?” Lena questioned.

“No,” Kara shook her head. “It's not always the same. There’s another dream I started having a couple of weeks ago… and It's different from the others. Not as bad, but it's still awful by anyone's standards.”

“And what happens in that one?”

“I-” Kara hesitated. The truth is, she wasn't sure she could actually speak the words out loud. "You know what?" Kara breathed, as she let her head sink into her hands. "It's not important."

"How about you let me be the judge of that," Lena pleaded with the hero. "Tell me what happens in the other dream."

"No," Kara denied her, unwilling to share.

"Supergirl, please, I don't have time to play games with you right now," Lena said impatiently. "I thought that we agreed that it was important."

"Fine," Kara burst out almost angrily, her voice tinged with frustration. “I die, okay? I die in the other dream...,” Kara breathed dejectedly, so quietly that Lena almost doesn't hear her. But the words do reach her. And the truth is, they almost feel like a punch to her gut. They practically suck the air straight out of Lena's lungs.

"You.... You," Lena almost couldn't bring herself to repeat the words, because they were so ridiculous. "You die?"

"I- To be fair, I'm not completely sure," Kara admitted finally, "The truth is, I never make it to the end of the dream. But it's always the same. I'm falling from a great height, and I can't fly. She's pulling me down with her, and I can't stop the fall. I'm powerless to stop it. I see the ground coming up at me, and I know there is no way I'm going to survive the impact with the ground."

“What?” Lena couldn't help but sound undeniably troubled by the notion that Supergirl could die. "No, that can't be right. You're practically invincible. You can't die."

"Trust me" Kara joked in a weak voice, "I wish I were wrong about this, but I also know what I saw. I'm largely invulnerable, not invincible."

"Supergirl-" Lena looked stricken by Kara's words. 

"It's fine," Supergirl spoke in a terse voice, as if this particular topic is not open for discussion.

"You're kidding me, right?" Lena hissed angrily. "Because if you're asking me? None of this is fine! You basically just told me you've been dreaming of dying for almost.... two weeks now. What in the hell is wrong with you?!"

"That's just it!" Kara argued with her, her tone sharp. "It's a dream. And there's no reason to think that it means anything. It's probably just my subconscious messing with me."

"Or it could be a warning - a kind of foreshadowing," Lena shot back, imploring the Super to see it for what it was.

Kara just shook her head, leaving Lena to try and grapple with what she's just been told.

"Okay," Lena breathed, before taking a steadying deep breath. "You said you don't see the end," Lena repeated slowly, "Maybe that means that there's still a way. Maybe there's a way out for you."

"I know," Kara could only nod. "And that's what I want to believe. But at the same time, there's always this feeling. It's like I know what comes next, and I have to accept it."

"Accept it?" Lena can't help but scoff at Kara's remarks. "Come on! The Superhero that I know would never accept something like that. You always find a way out. And I have no doubt. You'll find a way to stop her in time."

"I get the feeling that things are a little different this time around," Kara laughed hollowly, a haunted look in her stormy blue eyes. "I mean... We're kind of fighting a titan created to destroy the world."

"They're not different," Lena spoke passionately. "You're still the strong figure you've always been. You'll find a way," Lena sounded so sure. It's almost as if she's trying to convince herself of that fact.

"Yeah," Kara nodded, absently, not even looking in Lena's direction.

"You don't believe me," Lena stated, as she seemingly noticed the look on the Super's face for the first time.

"I never said that," Kara told her, with a shake of her head.

"You didn't have to," Lena said with a hint of bewilderment. "Supergirl, we may not be as close as we used to. But I still know you better than you might think."

Then Lena finally asked the question that was currently plaguing her thoughts. "Why are you so convinced you're gonna die?"

"Because maybe I'm getting tired of fighting," Kara burst out angrily, before taking a breath to calm down. "It's interesting, you know? When my parents sent me here, they said that it was to protect and take care of my Cousin, Kal-El. But I have this sneaking suspicion that they weren't being completely honest with me. There's something else. I know there's something else."

"What do you mean?"

"Well for one thing, they kept all kinds of secrets. And come to find out, this guy - this guy obsessed with Kryptonian history told me about this prophecy."

"What kind of prophecy?"

"I... I don't know," Kara shook her head, "He never told me what it was exactly. The only reason I know there is one, is because I made him angry with me and he sort of went off on me. He said that maybe I wasn't the one to defeat the Worldkillers after all."

"But you have a feeling-"

"That I was sent here to defeat the World-killers," Kara finished.

"Well, there you have it, then," Lena told her confidently, her voice holding a hint of victory to it as she said, "If you're here to defeat the Worldkillers, then you can't die."

"Right," Kara conceded the point.

It's then that Lena seemed to notice the way Kara is looking at her. "What?" she asked.

"It's nothing," Kara shrugged with a bob of her shoulders, "You just seem overly adamant that I'm gonna be fine. It's not really what I expected."

"It's just..." Lena's voice was suddenly thick emotion, "I know I've given you the impression that I don't care, but I do. Please... You have to know. I might be angry with you. In fact, I might have disagreed with a lot of what you've done lately, but I would never... never would wish you ill - much less wish you dead."

“I know,” Kara nodded, "I know that." “Look, we’re wasting time. We should… We should really get back to work. Don't worry, okay? It's all going to be fine.”

Well, tiger in our hearts again
When you swallow someone whole, you are bound to choke
Well, I guess we can never be friends
I ate you up the day we first spoke

“Right,” Lena replied, but Kara can clearly tell that this whole conversation didn’t sit well with her.

After all, It brought up a whole slew of emotions that Lena wasn’t exactly prepared for.

Still, Supergirl didn't seem bothered by the notion that she might die.

“Listen, I’ve been thinking,” Kara spoke a moment later, as calmly and evenly as possible, as she slowly eased herself up from the chair and walked over to the computer. “The synthetic Kryptonite isn’t working. You’ve done a good job creating it - a spectacular job, actually. But… But I think that what this really requires, is the Harun-El.”

"The Harun-El?" Lena repeated the word slowly. The word completely foreign to her.

"Yeah," Kara felt herself nod. "It's made of black Kryptonite, and it's the only thing strong enough to split Reign from Sam without killing her."

"Okay," Lena slowly exhaled, quickly trying to process everything that Supergirl is telling her, "If that's true, then why are you only bringing this up now?"

"Well," Kara hesitated for a moment, before finally finding her words, "Because it's... it's somewhat complicated? I mean the logistics of it all are somewhat difficult, because the Harun-El isn't readily accessible. In fact, it won't be easy to find or obtain."

"Alright," Lena acknowledged, as she gave the Super a small shake of her head, "Well, If it isn't here, then where is it?" Lena questioned her.

"Umm... If we're lucky? It'll be in the wreckage of my home planet," Kara answered her, as she quickly pulled up a map and pointed to the appropriate coordinates on the computer's screen. "Krypton."

"Please tell me you're joking," Lena muttered with a hint of disbelief, as she quickly noticed just how far away Kara is pointing on the map of the galaxy. "You're joking, right?"

"Nope," Supergirl replied, her voice popping on the p-sound in the word. "I assure you, I'm being completely serious right now." Kara then let out a weighted breath. "I think that with the Legion's help, I can make it there in a timely manner. I just hope that the Harun-El is there when we get there. There are no guarantees that it survived the death of my planet."

"Hold on a second! Do you really mean to tell me you're about to travel halfway across the galaxy? On the off chance that a piece of this Harun-El survived?" Lena asked her, her tone holding a hint of disbelief within it.

"Yes," Kara nodded decisively, placing her hands on her hips in her almost signature pose. "Yes I do."

"Supergirl-" Lena sounded nothing short of reticent, but Kara wasn't about to listen to any of Lena's concerns. Not now, when she was absolutely positive about the next course of action that needed to be taken in order to save Sam from Reign.

"I know what you're about to say, but it has to be done," Kara tried to argue, thinking she'd headed Lena off at the pass. "This is the only way. It's our only chance at saving Sam."

"But it's risky," Lena shot back, her voice imploring Supergirl to see the danger. "Too risky. And I'm not willing to risk your life for this. Not when we know that we need you to fight the World-killers."

"You seem to be misunderstanding me. I'm not asking for your permission. My decision.... my decision has already been made," Kara stated her intentions, "I'm going. I'm going to do this."

"Wow, okay. So there's really no point in arguing with you, is there?" Lena sighed just a little in defeat, as she quickly realized that it really wasn't up for discussion. She turned away briefly, in an effort to slow her breaths and calm down. Sure, she could easily argue with the woman in front of her, but at this point, she knew that she'd very well be wasting her breath. Supergirl's decision was final.

"No," Kara shook her head. "Look, it'll be fine. There's no need to worry."

"You can't promise that!" Lena hissed as she whirled around with an undeniable anger in her expression. She hated to admit it to the Super, but she was afraid for her. "There are any number of ways you can get hurt or lost. Krypton is tens of lightyears away."

"I know that," Kara told her gently, sensing the other woman's distress. "But I've made the trip before. It should be much easier this time around."

Lena can only shake her head and look at the monitor again, trying to take it all in.

"Fine, then. What do you need from me?" Lena asked her finally. She was sure that there was a point in the Super telling her all of this. There must be something she needed Lena to do.

"While I’m gone, I need you to work on a way of liquifying the Kryptonite so that we can inject it into Sam… And, come to think of it, we should probably design a device that can inject the Kryptonite directly into Reign's bloodstream. That way we can safely separate her from Reign.”

Give in, give in. I want you back
One heart, one too many to stomach
Love bites so deep, and we got tiger teeth
Give in, give in. I want you back
Keep count, one too many to stomach
Love bites so deep, and we got tiger teeth

"Very well," Lena finally agreed. "But can I ask you one thing?" Lena questioned.

"One," Kara relented, as she crossed her arms protectively over her chest. 

"Why-" Lena started, her voice sown with apprehension and confusion, "Why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?" Kara asked her, her expression full of confusion. "Haven't I made it obvious? We need the Harun-El in order to safely split Sam from Reign."

"No," Lena shook her head in frustration. "That's not what I'm asking."

"Then what are you asking?" Kara asked her slowly.

"I guess what I'm saying is that I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself," Lena told her. "It's just... Well, we haven't talked a lot about your past, but I know enough about it to draw certain conclusions. I know that you lost pretty much everything (including your family) when your planet exploded. And the truth is, I can't even imagine the sort of pain that you must carry around with you from that experience." A beat. "But now? Now... you're telling me that you are willingly going to go back to the place where you lost everything. You're willingly going to subject yourself to all of that pain - all of that suffering - just on the off chance that a piece of this Harun-El you speak of, survived?” Lena looked almost bewildered by the notion that she would be willing to subject herself to the pain of seeing Krypton's wreckage again – of seeing everything that she’d lost.

“To save Sam? Yeah. Yeah, I am,” Kara confirmed, without any hesitation whatsoever.

“But why? I - I just don’t understand,” Lena's voice sounded small. She sounded lost, untethered in a way Kara was unprepared for.

Kara swallowed thickly, as more tears of frustration suddenly threatened to escape her eyes. She hated it. Everything about this situation was seemingly ruining them.

If you only take one step closer
I could reach the zipper on your dress
We're leaning out over the water
And we're holding our breath

“Because I know how much you care about her, and I can’t bear the thought of you losing someone else that you love,” Kara told her honestly. "If this is what I can do to keep that from happening, then I'm going to do it....no matter what it costs me,"  Kara professed. Then, "Besides, I'm pretty sure I've already lost everything that matters. What else have I really got to lose?"

Lena had the distinct feeling that Kara was alluding to them somehow.

"Everything," Lena replied with a broken voice, "You could lose everything."

"Look, you don't have to worry about me, okay? I promise that I can handle it," Kara told her simply. "I've dealt with worse."

"But you shouldn't have to," Lena argued. "It seems like you're always the one who has to suffer."

"Maybe it's my penance," Supergirl told her with a hint of sadness in her voice, "Maybe it's the price I have to pay for that God-complex I have."

"Please, I...." Lena stuttered as she was hit with Kara's words, "I know I said that, but I didn't actually mean it... I was just angry."

Kara opened her mouth to say something, but found herself hesitating at the last moment. Finally she managed to choke out the words.

"I've never thought of myself as being infallible, Lena," Kara told her. "If anything, it seems like I mess up more than the average human. But... it's hard because every mistake that I make is broadcast for the entire world to see, and everyone just expects me to be better - to be more than I am. I wish I could explain what it feels like to carry the world on your shoulders. But it does something to you... forces you to make yourself into something you're not. And lately, it's made me into someone that I don't like - someone I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror."

"Supergirl-"

"If I had my way," Kara continued, "I would rather be the version of me that exists without the cape, and without the expectations that come with it all. Maybe someday I'll be able to be proud of the person I am. But right now? I'm not. And I don't blame you for hating this version of me. Because if I'm being honest? I don't particularly care for this version of myself, either." 

Lena had no idea what to say. But all of that becomes kind of a moot point anyway, when the hero quickly turned and walked away from her, leaving her words echoing around in Lena's head.

Lena stared after her with longing, watching the blonde’s retreat with her chest aching in hurt.

She couldn't understand why it hurt so damned much. But maybe it had something to do with the way that she didn't hate Supergirl at all. Instead, she felt like she related to her on a deeper level than she ever thought possible. It was shocking to her that Supergirl had finally let Lena see a bit of the insecure woman underneath the steel and veneer of the caped Superhero. She finally had some sort of idea as to the kind of person Supergirl was without the cape, and she couldn't help but feel a bit of sympathy for her. Perhaps Supergirl had it a lot harder than Lena ever realized. 

Well, tiger in our hearts again
When you swallow someone whole, you are bound to choke
Well, I guess we can never be friends
I ate you up the day we first spoke

Love bites so deep (and we got tiger teeth)

Chapter Text

(Flashback: 4 months ago. National City, U.S.A., Earth-38)

Lena lifted her hand to the off-white door of Kara's apartment, and knocked heavily against it with her knuckles. She winced slightly as the knock sent unwelcome jolts of pain over the bones beneath her skin, but she kept at it - knocking once, twice, three times against its heavy surface. Finally, she stopped. She paused for a moment, noting the small chips in the paint along the door's edges and figured that it was about time for a coat of fresh paint. Lena silently wondered if Kara knew - if she'd noticed how things had become worn and slightly broken in her time away.

It had been weeks, months since she'd seen her best friend. And Lena had missed her so. She didn't think it was possible to miss somebody so much. But from the minute that Kara left, Lena felt as if a part of her were missing. She hadn't realized just how much of her time had been filled with Kara, until Kara was suddenly gone, and her world felt so empty.

A part of Lena still wondered if there is anything she could've done to get her to stay. 

Kara's absence practically came without warning.

In fact, the only warning Lena received of Kara's coming absence, was when Kara had burst into her office one morning, making a surprise announcement that she was going to be going undercover for a story. The announcement had caught Lena so off guard that she almost didn't know how to react. 

Lena tried to talk her out of it, in her own way, but Kara was adamant that she had to go. She said that arrangements had already been made. 

That same day, Lena quickly threw together a small going away party for her best friend. They'd exchanged hugs, well-wishes, and smiles. Lena had been hopeful that those hugs and smiles meant something.

But reality had come crashing back down, when the following day Kara had seemingly vanished off the face of the planet. Kara was just gone.

All of Lena's attempts to get a hold of the blonde were unsuccessful. Kara's phone had been turned off. Her email was untouched.

(Hell, Lena will never admit to this - not even under the most intense lines of questioning - but Lena had even hacked into Kara's work email, in order to see if her best friend was using it.) Again Lena came up completely empty. She'd tracked all of Kara's bank accounts to follow its cash flow, in hopes that she might be able to keep track of Kara's whereabouts. Apart from the automatic payments for rent and utilities coming out of her account, they all remained completely untouched. 

Kara might as well have been in a whole other universe for all of the good that her efforts did her.

Lena is almost embarrassed at how much of her time she spent searching for a lead - something that gave her hope the blonde hadn't been lost forever.

"Kara?" Lena knocked again, whispering softly under her breath. "Kara, are you home?!" Lena was met with nothing but silence. "Please... I-," Lena felt her voice give out on her, as the weight of her feelings became almost too much.

Lena was starting to have doubts that Kara was back. After all, everything was impossibly quiet inside of Kara's apartment.

When Lena still heard no noises inside of Kara's apartment, she became sure that Alex was mistaken. She took a step away from the door, as if to leave.  But then the door was thrown open without any sort of fanfare, and Kara was just there, looking impossibly beautiful in the dimmed lighting, standing before Lena like some goddess of yore. 

"Kara," Lena breathed softly - so softly it sounded as if the words had come from a ghost.

"Lena!” Lena watched in awe as Kara came to life, with a soft beaming smile adorning her beautiful face, "Oh my goodness! It's so good to see you!" Then, the words Lena had been longing to hear for so long. "I've missed you."

"Me too!" Lena normally would have fought against her impulses, but she suddenly couldn't help herself. The truth is, she felt weak and powerless against them.

The next thing she knew, she was pulling Kara in for a crushing embrace, and burying her face into Kara's neck as she breathed in the blonde's scent.

It's as if she needed to know for sure that this wasn't her imagination running wild.

"You give the best hugs..." Kara sighed against her, her eyelids fluttering closed at the heavenly feeling of Lena pressed against her once more. The truth is, she'd imagined holding Lena like this countless times over the last few months. But those thoughts had been somewhat soured by the fact that Lena despised her (well, Supergirl, that is.) It hurt to know that Lena felt nothing more than contempt for her.

Slowly, Kara extricated herself from Lena's arms and took a step back, as if to shield herself from the feelings that the memory brought with it. This change in demeanor did not go unnoticed by Lena.

Kara was having a hard time keeping her breathing even, as the silence built between them for a long moment. It built and built between them until it was so thick that Kara was sure they could have cut it with a knife.

“I know that it's late, but - Can I come in?” Lena asked timidly as she wrung her hands nervously in front of her, before ultimately shoving her hands into her coat pockets. She watched in nothing short of trepidation as Kara bit down on her lower lip. She suddenly looked torn. It was almost as if Kara were trying to decide if Lena was welcome. It was something Lena was not prepared for.

She couldn't help but wonder if she'd done something wrong. God, had she? Had she hurt Kara somehow? Had she made Kara feel the need to shut her out in the cold?

“Of course,” Kara finally responded, as she opened the door wider and stood back, gesturing with a wild flourish of her arms for Lena to pass. With shaky legs, Lena forced herself to move past her, and deeper inside of the all-too-familiar apartment. Once Lena was safely inside, Kara shut the door gently behind her with a click, and flipped the lock over.

Lena felt a tickle in her nose, and a slight burning, before she was struck with the urge to sneeze. She quickly pulled her elbow up to sneeze into it.

"Bless you," Kara said with a gentle smile. 

"Thanks," Lena replied.

"Sorry," Kara apologized, "I tried to clean. But it's still a little dusty in here."

"How are you?" Kara asked as she wordlessly offered to take Lena's coat.

"Good," Lena responded. "I'm good." Then, "How about you?"

“Good. I’m good,” Kara swallowed thickly as she turned to hang the coat by the door. “I'm glad to finally be home.”

But Lena was struck with the strangest feeling that this wasn't true. Because judging by Kara's stiff body language, Kara didn't want to be there at all - least of all, talking to Lena of all people.

The reply almost sounded as if it were rehearsed.

Kara's features were almost impassive as she turned around and met Lena's gaze. Kara's icy blue eyes stared back at Lena, but there was an aloofness and a guardedness to them. They reminded Lena of icy steel. Lena swallowed, noting how Kara's eyes seemed empty of their usual sparkle. The woman who Lena knew to be more like an adorably enthusiastic twelve year old girl was gone, and in their place was a person she hardly recognized. She breathed, despite the fact that her chest felt like it was on fire. Slowly she pushed her hands into the pockets of her pants and clenched her hands into tight fists, as if that would ward off what she knew was about to come.

And make no mistake. Something was definitely about to happen. 

"Gosh, I've missed this place," Kara told her with a tremble to her voice.

But she knew it fell flat when Lena's eyes sharpened, and honed in on her.

"Kara-" Lena's voice was tight. "Are you sure everything is okay?" 

Kara was a shell of herself, and Lena had no idea how to rectify it. Hell, she didn't even know what had happened to her best friend.

Then again, Lena couldn't possibly know everything Kara had been through back on Argo. In fact, she didn't know that Kara had gone to Argo City at all. 

Sure, she knew all about Supergirl and her journey across the galaxy. But not Kara's.

And the truth is, Kara had been put through the wringer. Getting back to the wreckage of her planet had been every bit as difficult as she'd anticipated, and then some. She'd discovered that her mother was alive. Alive! And yet somehow, her mother wasn't the same woman Kara remembered her being when she was sent away. Argo also wasn't the same. And yet? It felt like it should be home. The truth is, Kara had wanted to stay. She'd almost stayed. But she knew she had unfinished business. She knew that there were people who were depending on her, and ultimately Kara couldn't abandon the people who needed her. She had to fulfill her obligations, no matter how badly she had wanted to be selfish. 

And now, Kara felt guilty for wanting to stay in Argo city. Because Earth was her home, too. She had family here, too. And looking at Lena now, it was just a reminder of how selfish those thoughts had been.

Kara felt emotionally drained by it all.

"Uh, yes?" Kara asked her in complete confusion. "I mean... why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know," Lena said as she took a daring step forwards, "But something seems wrong." Lena let out a sigh, "I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, but I'd like to think that I know you better than just about anyone, and it's just... something seems off." Then. "You seem sad."

"It's nothing... Just a bit of jet lag, honestly," Kara said, "I'm a bit tired."

"Are you sure it's okay I'm here?" Lena hesitated. "If you're tired and want me to leave, then I'd completely understand." Then. "Believe me. I know all about how awful jet lag can make you feel. I...I really don't want to impose."

"Please," Kara scoffs. "Lena, you're not imposing. You can't impose if I want you to be here. And I.... I want you here."

Lena hesitated for a moment, which Kara noticed. Before Lena could even brace herself, Kara took her hand and was tugging her over towards the couch.

"Come on. Let's sit," Kara suggested as took her spot on the couch and tugged Lena down onto its cushions. 

Lena felt her stomach do a strange somersault as she crashed into Kara's side. The blonde seemed completely unaffected. But Lena? Lena suddenly felt as if she couldn't breathe.

"So - I guess that Alex told you that I was back in town, huh?" Kara questioned.

“She might've mentioned it in passing," Lena admitted.

"Of course. She was never able to keep a secret," Kara laughed, her laughter coming in small huffs of air.

"So... you're back," Lena said with a tinge of disbelief. "You're really back."

"Yeah," Kara laughed, "I am. And believe me, you don't have to worry about me going anywhere in the near future. I've had enough traveling to last me a lifetime."

"This is going to sound so stupid," Lena began. "But I was so afraid that I'd never see you again. Alex told me you were back this morning. But the truth is, I wasn't sure I believed her," Lena admitted in a soft, timid voice. It was so uncharacteristic for the usually unflappable CEO, that Kara nearly laughed, "I mean, God Kara, it's been months since I've had any sort of word from you, and I'm not the only one. James said that he lost track of you somewhere in the Middle East, and had no idea where you'd gone. Winn had no idea either... Even Alex, who I expected to largely assuage my fears, was shockingly tight lipped about the matter. It's like she wasn't sure if you were coming back either."

"I know," Kara agreed, "I know." She then apologized, "And I'm so, so sorry for that, Lena. I can't.... I can't even imagine what it was like for you guys, but I had to... I had to do it. For me - for everyone else, I had to."

"Jesus, Kara," Lena said as tears built in her eyes, "Do you even realize what it was like for us?"

"Of course! Of course I do," Kara answered almost defensively.

"Do you?" Lena's voice cracked under the weight of her pain. Lena barreled on with her speech: "Kara, I - I looked everywhere for you. I reached out to everyone I knew in the international community, but all of my leads came up empty. I couldn't...I couldn't find you." Tears were coming now, whether Lena wanted them to or not. "You promised that you would always be here, and then you were just gone - gone from the face of the Earth. I honestly feared that you weren't coming back. I thought that you were just one more person who left me behind."

"Oh Lena," Kara swallowed. "I am so so sorry for that, Lena. The fact is, I never meant to cause you pain. I'm really sorry."

She hated how much pain she saw in Lena's glossy eyes.

"I was actually starting to think that you might be dead," Lena paused, "But then Alex called me, and said that she'd found you. She said that you were coming home." 

"Yeah," Kara exhales.

"Just tell me... you weren't being held hostage somewhere were you? Because if you were in need of help, and I wasn't there for you, then...."

"No," Kara shook her head. "No! I swear! I was never held against my will. That I can promise you. It's just... I was just a very long way from home, and I had no means of coming back. I was in an impossible position."

"Kara-"

"The truth is, I almost gave up on it all. I almost gave up on coming back altogether, but...I couldn't. Because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you all behind. Hell, you... you're one of the main reasons I came back."

"I know you probably don't understand," Kara shook her head. "But I wanted... I just wanted to accomplish what I'd set out to do. Eventually, I had to accept that things just weren't going to happen the way I wanted them to. But, the truth is, I'm pretty sure there's no worse feeling than returning home empty handed."

"So the story was..."

"A wash," Kara says sadly. "The whole thing was a bust, honestly. It's embarrassing. All that work, all that effort, and I've got absolutely nothing to show for it..."

"But surely there's something you were able to get," Lena said optimistically.

"It's really sweet of you to say that," Kara breathed quietly as she reached for Lena's hand and gave it a soft reassuring squeeze, "but no."

Lena felt a pang of remorse as she noticed how exhausted Kara looked.

It was then that Kara made eye contact and kept it. She could see the fear in Lena's eyes. And for the first time, she realized that Lena was telling her the truth. She'd feared that she'd never see Kara again. But that was the issue, wasn't it? Lena still loved Kara - still longed for her. But she detested Kara's alter-ego... loathed Supergirl to her very core.

"So the whole thing was a bit of a disappointment. But you're okay, right?” Lena asked her softly as she scooted closer to Kara on the couch. 

“Yeah” Kara lied, even though her chest seemed to ache more and more with each passing minute. “Yeah. I'm okay.”

“Good,” Lena swallowed. "I'm glad. I just want you to be okay, Darling. I care about you."

"Lena-" 

"Kara-" They both speak the words at exactly the same time, after the silence dragged on for just a little too long. Kara laughed for a moment, before she finally asked the question she'd been wanting to ask.

“So...umm... I never even asked. What brings you by?” Kara questioned as she reached up to fiddle with her glasses for a few moments, before glancing away. Lena tried to catch her gaze, but seemed to notice how Kara was looking everywhere, but at her.

"You mean besides the obvious?" Lena joked. To which Kara laughed just a little bit.

“Kara-” Lena’s voice held something in it that Kara couldn’t quite discern. It drew Kara’s gaze to Lena’s own. Lena felt her breath catch as she took in Kara’s icy blue, searching gaze. She’d almost forgotten how blue Kara’s eyes were. “Are you sure you're okay?" Lena swallowed. Part of her was afraid of the answer, but she had to ask. 'Because it kind of seems like you're still a million miles away. I...I don't know if I've done something wrong, but it seems like you don't even want to be around me right now."

“What?” Kara looked genuinely shocked, as her eyes shot back to Lena’s face. Kara suddenly looked absolutely floored. "No, don't be absurd! You're like my best friend in the entire world, Lena. How could you ever think that I wouldn't want to be around you?" Kara shook her head, threaded her hands through her hair as if she were at a complete loss of what to do. Kara sighed, "I'm sorry. The last thing I want you to think is that you don't matter to me... because you do. I hope you know that you matter to me a great deal. Seriously, I don't know if you feel the same way, but you're practically my favorite person in the whole world!" Kara paused. She wished she could tell Lena just why it is that she'd disappeared. She wished that she could tell Lena the reason she left. But she couldn't. Because doing so meant telling Lena she was Supergirl. And Kara knew what that would mean. So Kara continued to lie through her teeth.

"I promise you..." Kara assured her, "Everything is really like I've said. I - I just wasn't in a place where I could readily respond."

"But even now that you are back," Lena swallowed, “You still seem distant - as if you're off in another world. And I just... I can't help but feel as if it's my fault .... whether it's true or not, it sort of feels like it's something I’ve caused. Things have been different between us. I... I don't know when they changed exactly, but I do know they're different now.” Lena tried not to notice the way Kara flinched ever so slightly at her words. “I just want to make sure that you know that what happened between Supergirl and myself has no bearing on our relationship. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for anything that transpired.”

“I never thought you did,” Kara said, as she looked away again. “But, I'm afraid that it still poses a bit of a problem for me.”

"How so?" Lena quickly questioned. Then, she cleared her throat and said, “What do you mean?”

“I’m not entirely sure I can explain it,” Kara admitted. “But I feel torn - trapped between two people I deeply care about.”

“Kara,” Lena seemed remorseful. “What can I do? What can I do to fix this?”

“You can’t fix it, I’m afraid,” Kara sighed, sadly, “Because I would not ask you to give up your morals, just as I would not ask Supergirl to surrender hers.”

“I – I’m sorry,” Lena apologized. She expected Kara to tell her that it was okay, or that she had nothing to be sorry for. But Kara kept her mouth shut tight, the muscles of her jaw twitching as she kept her teeth clamped together.

Kara’s features were sorrowful as Lena held her gaze. Kara looked shattered.

Kara’s eyes stared back at her with undeniable weariness. It was as if Kara no longer knew what to do, or what was worth fighting for. Lena swallowed, thickly. She hated not knowing what to do. She hated that neither of them seemed able to fix it.

What happened in one of her relationships had seemingly spiraled into another of her relationships. And it was hell. She didn't know how to fix it.

“You’re still being distant,” Lena accused her finally.

“I’m not,” Kara denied as Lena shuffled closer.

“Yes you are,” Lena asserted, “You’re guarded. The fact is, your posture right now almost reminds me of hers. It’s strange on your likeness. I...I don’t like it, Kara.”

“I’m sorry,” Kara found herself joking as a defense mechanism, “Would it help if I slouched a bit? - idgeted a bit more?"

“Funny, that's funny,” Lena replied hollowly, although she was clearly not amused. She just wished they could finally get past whatever it was that had ripped them apart. “Look, will you please just tell me how I can help fix it?"

"We're fine," Kara asserted.

Another lie. How could you tell someone that they had betrayed you and your feelings in every sense of the word, when you knew it wasn’t exactly their fault? Kara can’t help but wonder where they would be now, if she’d told Lena the truth months ago. Would Lena have still created the Kryptonite? Would she still have considered her an enemy? As something to be neutralized?

“Kara, maybe you think I’m an idiot,” Lena swallowed, “But I don’t believe that for a single second.” She sounded calm as she spoke the next bit. “You left. You just disappeared." Kara looked away as Lena hit a sore nerve.

“See?” Lena breathed, reaching out to touch her face. With gentle manipulation she forced Kara to look at her. Kara met her eyes, albeit, very reluctantly. “I’m right, aren’t I?” she breathed. She felt her resolve start to falter as she saw the pain in the baby blues staring back at her. "God... you can't even bear to be near me. You're fighting your every impulse to move away from me right now." Lena's voice cracked as she said, "How do we - How do we even fix this?"

“Lena,” Kara begged her softly, “Don’t do this. Please.” She stopped breathing for a second as Lena scooted even closer to her, until there was no more space between them. Lena could feel Kara’s warm body next to her own. Kara burned hotter than Lena remembered. And despite the fact that she tried to do everything to fight it, she could feel her body start to react to Kara's close proximity. She hungered for Kara's touch in a way she was not expecting. In fact, she was desperate - a breath away from claiming her, and ending her agony. “We're fine. Everything between us is….” Kara choked out, “fine.” They were breathing the same air now - close enough that Kara could see the flecks of amber in Lena's blue-green eyes.

“You really expect me to believe that?” Lena asked incredulously. "You keep saying that things are fine, but even you don't seem to believe it. It's obvious that you're upset!" Lena said harshly.

“You’re right,” Kara finally admitted, hoping that she could get Lena to leave her alone if she just gave her the truth.

"I've been lying," Kara admitted. Lena opened her mouth to respond, but Kara cut her off. "And no...before you go and try to twist my words around, I wasn't lying about everything."

"What do you mean?" Lena asked.

"I needed time to sort out some things," Kara spoke. "I was upset. I was unhappy, and I just... I basically had this opportunity fall into my lap that let me-"

"Run away," Lena finished. Then Lena seemed to catch herself. "I'm sorry. You're trying to tell me something important, and I'm jumping in. I should...I should just shut up and let you finish."

“No," Kara shook her head. "It's fine. The fact is, you're not wrong. I owe you the truth,” Lena swallowed as she watched Kara’s expression change. She looked like she was in physical pain. “And the truth is that I… I haven’t been entirely honest with you, Lena.”

"What are you-"

“I thought I could handle it… but I couldn't. As much as I want to sit here with you and pretend like it is all okay. I just…can't,” Kara breathed, her lungs heaving with the effort of getting the words out. "I'm sorry. This is all fucked up now," Kara said with a rough voice, "It's all seriously fucked up, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm at as much of a loss of how to fix it, as you are."

And Lena sucked in a sharp breath. Because in all of their time together, she'd never heard Kara utter so much as a single swearword. And now, in one sentence, Kara had just done it twice.

Lena breathed. “Kara, what are you talking about?” It was hard for her to admit, but she knew she owed her the truth.

“I’ve been lying to you about what I know,” Kara confessed.

"Know?" Lena pressed, "Know about what?"

“I know that Alex isn’t with the FBI. I know that she works for a secret governmental organization called the DEO.” Kara told her. "I know that she works closely with Supergirl. And with - with you on occasion."

"Wait, what?!" Lena gasped. "You know about the DEO? But how?"

"Alex finally told me the truth. It's how she was able to get me out of a bad situation," Kara answered. "But right now? That's really not important."

"Not important?" Lena said incredulously. "Because from where I'm standing right now, it seems kind of important."

"Lena-"

"What?!"

Kara was suddenly closed lipped. Lena watched as her jaw tightened. And knew that things were about to get heavy. But even so, she couldn't have possibly been prepared for where the conversation would go next.

"What?" Lena pressed.

"I know," Kara breathed. "I know about what happened between you and Supergirl. I tried to stay out of it, at first. But I still got pulled into it all by the two of you, and I can't.... I can't stop thinking about it," Kara confessed. Lena's jaw fell open, working furiously as she struggles to comprehend the things she's being told. "I know what both of you did to one another."

"I don't know what it is that you think I've done exactly," Lena cut in, her voice sharp and defensive, "but I don't appreciate you making it sound like I've done something wrong."

"I know that you kept Sam locked up in one of your labs, when you realized she was Reign. I know that you used Lex’s formula to create Kryptonite in order to contain her," Kara revealed in a carefully restrained voice."

"It was the only way I could think of to keep her contained," Lena argued, "I needed to make sure that she couldn't hurt anyone else." Lena raked a hand over her face, roughly. She looked angry as she said, "Kara, she almost killed Supergirl."

"I'm well aware," Kara bit out, bitterly. "She's my friend too, you know."

"I do," Lena nodded. "But I still don't understand where you're going with this."

"I know that Supergirl asked you to destroy all of the Kryptonite you'd made, because of concerns over her well-being and safety," Kara continues. "I also know that you had a falling out with Supergirl, because she asked James to make sure you didn't have any Kryptonite," Kara finally muttered.

"She didn't just ask James to find out if I had Kryptonite!" Lena argued. "She asked him to search my office behind my back. Because she didn't believe me when I said that I didn't have any!"

"Because she'd just found out that you'd been lying to them about everything else!" Kara rebutted.

“Kara-” Lena began, but Kara didn’t let her get that far.

“Do you wish her ill?” Kara couldn’t help but ask her.

"Of course not!" Lena protested angrily. She was extremely upset that Kara would even ask her such a thing. 

"And yet... you were experimenting with the one thing on this planet that can kill her," Kara said slowly, almost disbelievingly. 

"I was still reeling from what happened to Supergirl, when I found out that the person who did it was my friend," Lena explained, "I was scared and trying to minimize the damage - while making sure that Reign wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else."

"That might be true," Kara relented, "But then why didn't you ask for help? Why did you hide things from the DEO?"

"Because I was worried the DEO would kill Sam!" Lena gritted through a tight jaw. "Reign... Sam almost killed Supergirl. I was worried that the DEO would be in a shoot first, ask questions later, mindset." And sure enough, when the DEO found out, they came in with a holier than thou attitude. Supergirl acted like I betrayed her by making Kryptonite.... as if I had personally wronged her when I was just trying to help out a friend."

"Because you were creating and manipulating the one substance that could kill her." Kara muttered. "She probably saw it as an affront."

"Well, like I said to Supergirl," Lena replied, "I was hardly thinking about her while I was doing it. I was just trying to help Sam."

"You still don't understand why she felt betrayed, do you?" Kara questioned. "Can't you understand why she might have been a little scared?"

"Oh, I understand why," Lena replied tersely. 

"All you had to do was talk to one another," Kara breathed.  "Maybe if you had, then you could have resolved everything between you before things got too out of hand."

"I shouldn't have to explain why I did any of the things that I did," Lena hissed. "And I shouldn't have to coddle a superhero, simply because she can't handle the fact that the world doesn't revolve around her!"

“But it’s an important question,” Kara said tightly, her voice sounding slightly strangled. “One that I just can't ignore! Jesus, Lena, what if I were an alien? What if I were Kryptonian?" Then. "Would you think of me as the enemy? Like you do with her?”

“Clearly you’ve given this some thought,” Lena laughed, as if she found this funny. But Kara didn’t find this conversation funny. Not at all.

“And yet, you haven’t answered any of my questions,” Kara pointed out.

Lena opened her mouth, but Kara didn’t let her speak.

“It’s okay, you know?” Kara swallowed. “As hard as it was for me to accept, I’m glad that I know what you really think.” Lena opened her mouth to speak, but Kara didn’t let her speak. “No,” she shook her head. “Let me say this, Lena. Please.”

"No!" Lena shouted, her bright green eyes flashing, "Not when you're insulting my character in the way you are now."

Then, "God! You sound so much like her right now. I'm starting to think she got in your head!"

"As if I'm not capable of having thoughts of my own?" Kara spat incredulously. "As if I'm not capable of having my own feelings about this matter?"

"Kara-"

Lena was in panic mode now. She'd wanted to know what was wrong, and now she'd gotten her answer. But she was completely unprepared for this level of hurt and hostility. For the first time in her life Lena had no idea how to fix this.

Kara pulled herself away from Lena’s touch and ran her hand over her jaw as she exhaled. 

“I thought I knew you. Gosh, I was so sure that I knew the kind of person you were. Even during some of our earlier debates about aliens, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.  But I guess you could say that I’ve always been a bit naïve. It’s not for lack of trying. It’s just… I’ve always been this way." Lena was forced to listen helplessly as Kara kept talking a mile a minute. "I knew that one day this world would make me a hell of a lot more like you - cold, and cynical, and protective. But until that day came, I wanted to believe... believe that you were different."

"Kara," Lena nearly whimpered in sadness, hating that she could hear the pain in Kara's voice. 

"I've got pieces here and there. Just enough to keep me going, but no matter how badly I wanted it to, the universe refused to bend to my whims. I wanted to. I…I wanted to be right about this, Lena. I wanted to be right about you. I… I would have given anything.” Kara couldn’t stop the tears now. They were hot, almost scalding as they spilled over and streaked down her cheeks. "But I guess that I was wrong. You're no different than the rest."

All of the walls were crumbling and falling around her and she couldn’t stop it. She quickly wiped away the tears falling down her face.

"Kara?" Lena started to reach out for her, but found herself hesitating at the last moment. Kara suddenly seemed so far away from her now, and Lena was scared. Having Supergirl look at her like that was one thing, but to have Kara do so? Well, Lena couldn't handle it.

“I never imagined that this would be so hard,” Kara told her, as she stood up and then started to pace back and forth. Kara took a deep, staggering breath, trying not to feel like the most awful person in the world as she watched tears streak down Lena's face. “Lena,” Kara breathed. “What I’m trying to say is…” Kara let out a deep breath. It was a hell of a lot more difficult than she ever thought it would be. “As much as I want to tell you that I think you're right, and she's wrong? I can’t."

“What?” Lena choked out, feeling her stomach drop.

"Don't get me wrong," Kara hedged. "I don't think she's right either. I think she made a mistake. A HUGE one. She never should have gone behind your back like that. She should have been honest with you about her feelings from the get-go. She was clearly upset. She should have gone to you. She should have had a conversation with you about how she felt - about how you both felt in this situation. And instead, she did the opposite. She let fear rule her actions, and she made a mistake. I'm sure if she had the chance to do it over again, she would do it all differently. The problem is, she doesn't get another go. You both have to live with the consequences of what happened. And unfortunately, we all do, too."

"Kara, you have to understand," Lena told her. "I was just trying to help Sam. I never meant to forsake one friend by helping another."

"I know," Kara agreed. "I know that," Kara repeated, as if she's trying to convince herself of that fact. "But how is she not supposed to assume the worst in that situation? Reign almost killed her. And suddenly, she finds out that you've been keeping Reign in your lab. And on top of that? That you were using Kryptonite to keep her contained," Kara recalled. "She made a mistake. Look, I know people assume that she's the epitome of goodness, but she's also human. She's going to make mistakes. She's not perfect."

"That may be true," Lena argued, "But she's a hero all the same. And people are going to hold her to a higher standard. She has to be held to a higher standard."

"Really?" Kara scoffed, "Then I wonder as to how she has any friends at all."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Lena hissed angrily. It seems as if Kara had struck a deep nerve. "Are you suggesting I'm not capable of forgiveness?"

"In her case?" Kara shot back, "No."

"Damn it, Kara! How can you even suggest such a thing?' Lena said in undeniable hurt. She hated how Kara was coming at her like this - almost without mercy.

"Am I wrong? Are you still friends?" Lena remained silent on the matter. "Or maybe you're just more willing to forgive people when there isn't a Super attached to their name."

"She asked James to go behind my back, and then had the gall to suggest I was untrustworthy because of my name!" Lena shouted angrily.

"And?" Kara pressed back, as if that wasn't a good enough reason. "Look, I… I think she got lost in her own fears and made a horrible mistake. I don't fault her for that. She was hurt. It hurt her to know that someone she held in such high regard still saw her as nothing more than a threat.”

“I already told you! That’s not why I did it!” Lena argued.

“But it’s not just about truth, it’s about the way our actions are perceived!” Kara argued back. “You're so defensive. You swear you're the only wronged party in this situation, but you're not. You both got hurt, Lena! But you never really took her aside and talked to her about it, did you? No, instead you shut her out - you declared she was the bad guy.”

“I told Supergirl and DEO about the Kryptonite,” Lena hissed defensively.

“But you lied about other things. And you only told them the truth, when your hand was forced. Can you really blame her for having doubts?”

“I am not having this conversation with you,” Lena said coldly, as she stood up stepping towards Kara. Lena felt a pang of pain in her chest as she noticed the way that Kara took a step back. "I'm done with whatever this is."

“Okay,” Kara relented, as she lifted up her hands in front of her, in a placating manner, "Okay, it's done."

Lena wasn't sure what was happening now. But within the last five seconds, something had shifted. Something absolutely monumental had happened, and Lena had no idea what it meant. 

She got her answer quickly, though. The moment she tried to speak again.

"Kara-"

"Look, I... I don't mean to be rude, but it's getting late, and I'm getting really tired. I... I think you should probably go now," Kara told her.

"What?" Lena gasped, looking somewhat startled.

"I said that I think it would be a good idea if you leave now," Kara repeated as she walked over towards the front door. "You're right. I think it's time we stop. We've already said some things that I think we'll regret. And right now? I'm exhausted. If you stay, there's a good chance things are going to go further downhill, and I don't want that. So let's just call it a night."

"Are you kicking me out?" Lena spoke in disbelief. 

"Lena-" Kara began as she took a step towards her, but Lena wasn't having any of it.

"No!" Lena shouted as she threw up a hand, "I want to be very clear about what is happening right now." Then. "Are you seriously kicking me out of your apartment right now?"

"I think you've made it clear that we're done," Kara said, as she grabbed Lena's coat and held it out for her. For the longest time in her life, Lena was rendered speechless and remained completely still - staring at the jacket as if she had never been more offended by a material object in her life. "As I said, at this point we're not making any progress. I think it's best if we leave it for now. Maybe we can both take some time to calm down and revisit this at a later date."

"And give her more time to pull you to her side?" Lena spoke rashly. "Seriously! What's even the point in arguing? It obvious that nothing I say will change what you think."

"That's not true!" Kara shouted, as her eyes started to burn and her vision went blurry. "God! Don't you know how much I want to fix this?! How many hours I've spent laying in bed at night wishing I could somehow make it better for all of the parties involved? I have agonized over this for so long, Lena. But even I can't find a way out of this one! Because all she wants from you is forgiveness, and it's not something you can give her! Friendships have been destroyed, relationships torn apart, and I can't seem to do a god damned thing! I love you, Lena. God I love you so much! But as much as I want to come over to your side - as much as I want to just tell you that everything is fine - I can't! I can't do this for you, Lena. I can't do it because I'd be lying to myself and to you." 

Lena still couldn't bring herself to speak. "Look, I get it. You hate me for taking her side. And, if all of this means that you don’t want me in your life anymore, then I understand," Kara breathed. "I won't say it'll be easy for me, but I will try to understand." Kara paused again as she pulled open the door. Lena took one last lingering look at Kara and made a bee-line out the door.

The second the door shut behind her, Lena froze. She just froze. It's almost like her feet became glued to the ground and she couldn't move. 

It was as if the last moments had finally caught up to her, and if felt like a punch in the gut.

She took a few heaving breaths, and then suddenly realized if she didn't act immediately, that she was going to lose yet another person in her life that she couldn't bear to lose. Her mind was made up before she even had so much as a chance to doubt herself.

She immediately turned on her heel and started pounding on the door.

"Kara!" Lena's voice was desperate as she shouted, "Kara, don't do this! Please!" Her voice cracked as she said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? Please, Kara! Just don't let it end like this!"

It would seem that Kara was close by, because the door swung open immediately to reveal a devastated looking Kara. Lena felt her heart break into a million pieces as she saw the tears streaking down Kara's face.

"I don't,” Lena tried, her voice failing her at first “Please, Kara - you have to know. I don't... I could never. You're my best friend in the whole world. Hell, you're my favorite person in the whole world,” Her voice was broken as she elaborated. “I love you too, and losing you isn't what I want at all. Look, I won't lie to you. I-I thought it mattered to me. I thought that being right mattered to me more than anything, but I was wrong, Kara. I don’t care what it means… I don't care if we disagree about this. I just don’t want to lose you. Please! I can't lose you.”

"I don't want to lose you either," Kara sobbed. It was then that the dam broke.

Lena felt like such an awful person as she pulled Kara into her arms.

Kara buried her face into Lena's neck, and cried. Lena closed her eyes as each sob that passed through Kara’s lips felt like a dagger to her own heart. “Oh, Kara,” Lena soothed finally. “Shh. Don't cry. Please don’t cry. It kills me to see you cry.” Kara clung to her tighter as she only started to cry more violently. Lena’s resolve was suddenly crumbling into tiny pieces. Lena had never seen Kara this emotional. Not ever. And the thought occurred to Lena that maybe Kara needed her. Maybe, just maybe, Kara loved her too. “I’m sorry.” Lena finally breathed, feeling the need to be forgiven for hurting Kara this way. “I'm so so sorry. I love you, and I promise you that nothing you do could ever change that. I hate that this has caused you so much pain.” Then. "I'm going to fix this, Darling. I promise."

"I'm sorry too," Kara cried into her neck, "I love you so much, Lena. I don't think I could survive without you in my life."

You never know how good you have it, oh
Until you're starin' at a picture of the only girl that matters

I know what we're supposed to do
It's hard for me to let go of you
So, I'm just tryna hold on

With a gasp, Kara shot up in bed. All her muscles simultaneously tensed in a state of flexion. Her body went rigid, nearly as hard as granite for that one infinitesimal moment before it finally gave over and relaxed. The scream that threatened to tear its way free, seemingly became stuck in her throat, as Kara’s hand shot up to her chest in order to press where the pain was the worst. Another gasp escaped Kara’s lips as another jolt of pain inflicted havoc throughout her chest. It was like a white hot iron had been pressed against her skin over her ribs, and sank deeper and deeper inside of her until it could no longer be touched. A dense sheen of perspiration coated her body, and soaked into the blankets beneath it, leaving Kara feeling cold. Her own arms wrapped around her own midsection tightly, as she was left clinging, and begging for warmth. She had only felt this cold once before, and forgot how terrible it was. All she wanted now was to be returned to her old self.

By the time she opened her eyes, her heartbeat was already thundering deafeningly in her ears. It was nearly pitched black, and the cold sheets under her made it nearly impossible to stay warm. Her body convulsed in violent shivers as it struggled to warm itself.

For a long moment, Kara struggled to breathe. She actually had to remind herself to mechanically breathe in and out, and most of her vital oxygen supply came in uneven spurts of air. She was trying frantically to calm herself, but there was no way she could become accustomed to new this reality. It honestly felt like she’d been launched back into life with a pair of jumper cables.

The cause? It was her heart.

Her heart had been the one thing to hold up under the tremendous amount of stress that night bestowed upon her. But even now it seemed damaged, and not quite up to the task.

The loud beeping filling the room had Kara wincing in discomfort as her head pounded relentlessly. She felt as if she had been struck over the head with a hammer. A gentle hand wiped back the sweat and dirt caked hair from her face. Kara moaned, savoring the contact as she rolled her head back and forth gently on the pillows. She took a deep breath, immediately regretting having done so as a stabbing pain made her cry out.

"Oh thank goodness, she’s awake," Gavin’s soft voice whispered, as Kara's eyes blinked open for the first time. It took Kara a moment to decipher what she was seeing. The first thing she saw was blurs of color, ,and then the worried and grieving expression on J’onn’s face. It took one moment - just one moment for Kara to realize that it hadn't been a dream. It had been real. God, it had all been real.

"Uh oh," J’onn was the first to notice the emotions sweeping across Kara’s face. She knew. She knew immediately something was missing.

It was like an alarm going off in her skull. Kara jumped forwards, pushing herself forcefully up and off the bed. Quickly, J’onn restrained her, and pushed her back down. But Kara was not done fighting. She continued to struggle against him, though her efforts were weak and almost futile. She was still severely weakened by her injuries, so her attempts were easily thwarted.

“Easy,” J’onn told her as he wrestled with her, and held her down, “Easy, Kara. It’s all right. You’re safe.”

"What... happened? Where's Alex? Where's Lena?" Kara’s loud, piercing cries had all of those within several rooms wondering what sort of awful thing was happening in the room next door. “Lena!”

Hold on
I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone
I don't wanna move on
I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone for good
You're slipping through my fingertips
A little bit, by a little bit
I didn't know that loving you was the happiest I've ever been
So, I'm just tryna hold on

“Kara, easy! Please listen to me. You're going to hurt yourself if you keep struggling like this," Kara continued to fight as she shouted Lena’s name over and over and over again until she was hoarse, “I need you to calm down.”

“Look, I know you want to see her right now,” J’onn attempted to soothe her, “But I’m afraid she’s not here. She’s at the DEO. Okay?” Still, this did little to settle Kara down.

"Kara," J’onn forced his way into her field of vision, "Kara, look at me. Kara!" He winced as a fist struck him in the shoulder before she finally latched onto the material. J’onn seized Kara’s cheeks and forced her to look him in the eye. "She’s okay. Lena is safe. Okay? She and Alex are both safe.  You did it... You saved them. You protected them."

"But Reign-"

"Reign is dead,” J'onn told her. "Despite the odds being stacked against you, you managed to kill her."

"But... But," Kara hated how difficult it was for her to string a single thought together. And as she became frustrated by that fact, she began struggling again. 

"J'onn?" Gavin asked of the man as he held up a pre-filled syringe. J'onn quickly found him in the room and gave him a small nod.

Gavin then quickly injected the sedative into Kara’s I.V. at J’onn’s behest.

“But where – where?” Kara lost all momentum, sinking back down onto the bed. Her heart was still beating a mile a minute. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath. And if she was being honest, it felt like she’d just ran a hell of a sprint. “Where are we? Why am I here and not at the DEO?”

“We’re on Earth,” J’onn told her calmly and patiently. “We’ve been trying to prepare you for the trip, but you are too weak – and too badly injured to make it. You wouldn’t have survived, so we had to get you stabilized first.”

“A trip?” Kara repeated in confusion, clearly not understanding what J’onn was getting at. “A trip to where?”

“To Mars,” J’onn answered calmly. “Kara, listen, this isn't going be easy for you to hear, but you...you were on the brink of death when I reached you and you weren’t going to survive. I had to inject you with a radioactive isotope in order to save you. And because of that, it’s not...it’s not safe for you to be here. As much as we've tried, we couldn’t make the isotope safe for humans.”

“What are you saying?” Kara questioned.

“We can’t stay here. As of right now, you will kill any human that comes into contact with you. And in order to protect the people of Earth I have… I have to take you off of the planet. We have to go away.”

“Oh Rao, what did you do?” Kara asked him as she fought against the sudden fatigue that was threatening to pull her back under. “My God, J’onn, what in the hell did you do?”

“Kara-” J’onn tried not to let his own feelings show. But the guilt he suddenly felt in that moment was overwhelming. He’d robbed Kara of her chance at an honorable death. Instead he had given her, what he knew she would see as a fate worse than death. Not only had he forced her back to life. But he’d done so at the expense of her ever being able to be with the ones she loved most. “You don’t understand. You were dying, and Alex… Alex was begging me to save you. I couldn’t just let you die. I had to – I had to try.”

“By robbing me of an honorable death, J'onn? By robbing me of the chance to ever see those that I love again?” Kara said angrily. “Look, I’ll admit that I wasn’t ready to go. But what good is this life, if it means that I never get to see the people I love again?” Kara can’t stop the sobs from escaping. “Rao, how could you? I would’ve thought you would understand it better than anyone else! How could you do this to me?”

“Kara.” J’onn felt his own voice break as the tears that were threatening spilled over and slid down his cheeks. “Kara, I’m so sorry.”

“I know you were just trying to do what you thought was right, but you have no idea what you’ve done to me, J’onn. God I can’t... I can’t even look at you right now,” Kara confessed. “You’ve ruined me. And by telling me this, you’ve just shattered what little was left of my heart. I can’t... I can’t even begin to tell you the pain you’ve caused me.”

“Kara-” J’onn felt broken. It killed him that he was the reason for Kara’s pain. “Kara, please.”

“Get out,” Kara ordered.

“Kara-”

“I said get the hell out of my room!” Kara’s booming voice actually made J’onn feel afraid of her. “I don’t want to see you right now! I don’t want to talk to you! Just get the hell out!” He could feel her pain, and her hatred. And he knew that she was completely justified in her anger. After all, he can’t imagine that he would have felt any differently, if he were in Kara’s current condition.

“Okay,” he breathed. J’onn opened his mouth to say something else, but thought better of it, and closed his jaw again. He walked from the room without another word, leaving Kara loudly sobbing in his wake, as she realized for the first time what she’d lost. She would never see Alex again. She would never see Eliza, or Lena, or Winn, or James. Her life from now on would be empty, hollow, void of anything akin to sunshine or warmth.

I need to learn how to cope without you
I'm tryna protect myself but only you know how to, yeah

Oh, I know what we're supposed to do
Oh, but I hate the thought of losing you
So, I'm just tryna hold on

Lena swallowed as she woke to darkness around her. It was quiet, and save for the sound of the machines in the room, only the faintest of sounds flooded in from the hall outside. As she looked over towards the door, she could see the thin beam of light spilling in from the hallway. The door was cracked open, but still shut so as to offer privacy. She looked down to her arm and stared at where the flesh left off and the tubing began. She felt as if she had some of her strength back already and could only surmise they’d pumped fluids into her to offset the bleeding and dehydration she’d suffered from. Still, her throat was dry as the desert and it took effort to swallow. She shifted on the mattress, groaning gently as her body still ached. She heard shuffling as someone reacted to the sound of her moving about on the bed. She blinked as a silhouette came into focus and she waited for her pupils to adjust so she could figure out whom it was. She let out a sigh as Alex appeared before her.

“Hey,” she whispered softly. Lena’s eyes darted briefly over to where James slept. She figured they hadn’t left her bedside.

“H-Hey,” Lena’s breath hitched, she didn’t really trust her own voice to bear the brunt of her emotions. Her throat hurt so much and she couldn’t seem to remedy the dryness in it. Her voice sounded as if it had been grated with sandpaper.

“How are you feeling?” Alex breathed quietly as she perched herself on Lena’s bed. She sighed as Alex reached out and brushed the hair from her eyes. It was done in the way that a sister might do, gentle, attentive, loving.

“Tired,” Lena managed to choke out. “I wanted to tell you… I’m sorry. I’m sorry about earlier. I… I didn’t mean to unload on you like that.”

“Hey,” Alex shook his head, “You don’t have to apologize, Lena. I…I can’t imagine what it’s like. I mean, God, you’re talking to me. I’m as devastated as you are right now.” Alex’s own voice sounded strained as the woman struggled to relate to her without getting overly emotional. “I don’t know what to do.” Alex swallowed before continuing. “I know that you blame yourself for all of this… and I know that it’s hard for you to accept it, but I’m really glad that you’re okay, Lena.” Alex punctuated her statement with a comforting squeeze. It was what Kara would have done if she had been there.

“Kara,” Lena breathed, still sounding as if the thought of her only brought Lena unbearable pain.

“Made the right choice,” Alex cut in softly, her tone nothing short of patient. “Lena, I know it’s hard for you to see it from her point of view, but…if it had been me, I would have done the same thing. Kara… She loves you. She loves you more than anything, and there was no way she could’ve let something happen to you. There’s just no way. Sure, you can be angry with her if you have to. But can you honestly fault her for what she did?” Lena looked away as she felt more tears seep soundlessly from her eyes. This time she tried to show more restraint. She tried not to let the sobs out. She knew that crying wasn’t going to do anything. It certainly wasn’t going to bring Kara back, no matter how much she wished it would. Lena felt a heat flush in her cheeks as Alex, sweet as she was, wiped them away with the pad of her thumb. Lena had earned Alex’s respect and admiration a long time ago, for her strength and perseverance.

Hold on
I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone
I don't wanna move on
I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone for good
You're slipping through my fingertips
A little bit, by a little bit
I didn't know that loving you was the happiest I've ever been
So, I'm just tryna hold on

“I wish I could say that I was worthy of the love that she gave me,” Lena said. It felt like there was a lump in her throat as she tried to swallow. It hurt to swallow, beyond what Lena thought was possible.

“Oh, Lena,” Alex sighed. “I wish I could make you understand.” Alex paused. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to see it. But… you were always worthy of the love she gave you. It’s just that some of us were able to see it before others. And I’m sorry for that.” Alex closed her eyes. “I just wish… I wish I had seen it sooner.”

“Alex,” Lena said, thickly.

“Sorry,” Alex shook her head. “I can tell that I’m making you more upset, which is the last thing I want to do.”

“So… what did the tests show?” Lena asked.

“Well,” Alex replied. “Your x-rays came back. You managed to make it out of the fight largely unscathed. But you have some broken ribs on the right side. I wrapped those, so you should already notice an improvement in your breathing. You also have a broken bone in your foot, which is why you weren’t able to move your ankle well. You’re going to have to be in a fancy boot for a while, but you should be fine. Lastly, you needed some stitches. But luckily I was able to sew you up before you passed out on me.”

“Sorry,” Lena said, looking sheepish. “I guess I was more tired than I realized.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Alex told her. “Just get some rest, Lena. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

After Alex departed, Lena climbed out of bed and walked into the adjacent bathroom. She examined her face in the mirror. It wasn’t a pretty sight. But who really cared how she looked? She’d been lucky enough to survive this whole mess, when so many others weren’t so fortunate. With all of the day’s excitement, and the pain killers she was currently hyped up on, Lena was exhausted. Fortunately, sleep came easily for her. As she fell asleep, she tried desperately not to think of Kara.

It's gettin' real, I'm missing you deeply
So I'm just tryna hold on
Starting to feel like you don't need me
Wanna believe it's all for the better
It's gettin' real, missing you deeply
So, I'm just tryna hold on

The next morning, Lena moaned and groaned as her body came back to life. Every muscle and every inch of her hurt. No matter what she did, she couldn’t make it go away. She switched positions repeatedly, trying to ease the pain in her neck, back, and shoulders. Finally, she forced herself out of bed and into the shower as she tried to wake her body. She caught site of her own freckled, purple, and blue bruised jaw in the mirror. She looked more grotesque than ever before.

Lena studied the stitches along her cheek and lip with her fingers before she ultimately cleaned them as she was instructed to do. She tried not to stare too long into the reflection of her own eyes. She was particularly afraid of what she might find in them.

Lena finally dressed in some lounging clothes, a warm sweatshirt and some yoga pants, when she decided that she wasn’t going to get anywhere with her current appearance. Alex had told her to take it easy, even though she hadn’t sustained any serious injury.

What Lena wasn’t expecting when she finally ventured outside her room, was to find Mon-El standing there. She sighed as he turned around to face her. Lena winced at the hurt she saw in his eyes, as Mon-El’s gaze raked over the consequences she had reaped.

“Lena,” Mon-El looked pained, as he regarded her. She could only surmise that her presence was an unwelcome reminder of what had transpired. Kara should have been the one standing there in front of him, not Lena.

“Hi,” Lena greeted him. It had never hurt so much to talk to someone, in Lena’s entire life. “How are you?”

“I’m... I’m good.” His attempt at a smile was weak, but Lena pretended not to notice. She hated herself for robbing Mon-El of the love of his life. Still, Mon-El was undeniably kind. He made every concerted effort to offer her comfort and kind words. “How are you?”

“I’m...” Lena hesitated, “I’m okay - a bit sore, but I can’t really complain.”

“Good,” he said earnestly, “That’s good. Listen – I… I know that the timing of this is horrible, but Kara asked me to make sure that I got this to you if something happened to her. And I - I promised that I would. She said that you might not be ready to hear it right away, and that’s okay. But she wanted me to make sure that I got it to you.” He cleared his throat, and held it out to her. Lena stared at the object in his hand for a long time, before she finally stepped forwards to take it.

“What is it?” Lena questioned him.

“It’s a message,” Mon-El answered vaguely, “Apart from that I can’t say. I don’t know what’s in it, only that it’s for you.”

“Thanks,” Lena told him softly, as she toyed with the object in her hand, running her fingers over and over its smooth, cool, metal contours.

After her painful conversation with Mon-El, Lena retreated.

2 hours later...

“Alex!” Ruby’s voice echoed down the hall as she approached them at a near run. Sam wasn’t far behind her daughter. Alex couldn’t help the grunt that escaped her lips, as Ruby barreled into her with all the force of a bulldozer, seemingly completely unaware of Alex’s injuries. Alex, however, didn’t seem to care. She hugged Ruby back with everything she had, holding the young woman who she’d come to care about like one of her own.

When Sam tentatively approached them at the DEO, Lena and Alex looked beyond beaten. Sam took note of how Lena’s hands trembled. Lena tried to hide it, of course, but Sam could see it clear as day. She knew what it meant, too. For some reason, Lena’s hands always shook when she was under a great deal of emotional stress. Lena was extremely good at hiding how she was feeling, but by looking at Lena’s hands, Sam could usually tell when she was distraught. Sam knew that Lena put a lot of effort into learning to conceal her innermost feelings, because Lena rarely gave away what she was thinking or feeling. After all, showing emotion in such a position of authority was considered a sign of weakness, and Lena didn’t want the men she worked with to think she wasn’t strong or tough enough to do her job.

A lot of the time Sam wished that Lena would just let her in, but the brunette CEO seemed bound and determined to keep a wall up between her and everyone else. Sam expected it had a lot to do with the things Lena had been through in the past. Sam knew that Lena had discontinued her partnership with Jack, because of the fact that he had been the one to see her at her most vulnerable. Jack had even sworn that he would never think less of Lena, but for some reason, Lena was bound and determined to hold him at a distance. Sam knew that the things in Lena’s past only made the woman stronger. After all, not many people could go through something like that and come away from it a better person. But Lena had.

Sam watched as the younger woman’s hands kept curling into fists, before uncurling again. She knew that the shaking must be bothering her. And so she watched, completely entranced by the way Lena’s hands kept tightening, then relaxing, fingers curling, then extending. Lena’s strong shoulders remained tight, squared and intimidating. Finally, Lena let out a deep huff of air and clasped her hands tightly in front of her, hoping that it would still her hands. It didn’t work. Lena had never felt so desperate for something to release the fury pent up in her body. It felt like she might explode if she didn’t get out her anger somehow. Sam swallowed uncomfortably as her eyes raked up and down Lena’s body. Lena finally gave up. She walked to the wall, put her back to it and slid down, crumpling into a mess of arms and legs that loosely resembled a heap. She watched as Lena let out a groan, and dropped her head into her left hand. Sam knew she was watching Lena break apart. Out of respect, she wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. She remained transfixed as Lena’s trembling hand ran through her hair, trying to comb her way through the tangled mess. Lena’s breathing was erratic. For the first time since they’d met, Lena seemed unable to hide from her. Sam took in Lena’s disheveled appearance, wishing that she could take the woman’s pain away. Lena was a mess, although, it was understandable.

Then a thought seemingly occurred to her for the first time, her eyes searched the hallway for a trace of red, blue, and gold, but Sam came up empty. She turned to Alex, since Lena didn’t seem to be in any position to answer any questions. Alex was still goofing around with Ruby, trying to cheer up the young woman.

“Where is Supergirl?” Sam asked Alex. Sam watched helplessly as Alex’s mood dramatically changed. It was as if Sam had just reminded her of something unpleasant - something downright awful. Sam’s breath caught as she realized what it meant. Without speaking a word, Alex had just told her everything she needed to know. Supergirl hadn’t made it. And by association, Kara hadn't made it. No wonder Lena was so upset. 

Sam knew that Reign was dead. After all, the gossip had spread like wildfire as soon as the battle was over. But no one had mentioned anything about Supergirl’s demise. Maybe because it was so hard to believe that the blonde heroine could have fallen.

"She didn't make it," Alex told her, before quickly revising her words. "I mean she did, but...the person who is left isn't exactly Kara anymore."

"What do you mean?" Sam questioned.

"Reign... Reign almost killed her," Alex explained. "In order to save Kara we had to... We had to treat her with extreme amounts of radiation to try and kick start her powers. But the radiation... the methods that we used, meant that she couldn't exactly be around humans anymore. It's not safe. It would kill them."

"And there's no way to reverse that?" Sam breathed. 

"Not as of yet, no," Alex swallowed. "So, for now? She's lost to us. And if we can't find a way to undo it, she'll be lost to us forever."

Sam looked back to where Lena sat hunched over in the hallway. She couldn’t help but think that Lena should really be in a bed resting, but figured that Lena was being stubborn. Leave it to the stubborn woman to shun doctor’s orders. In addition to some minor scrapes and bruises on Lena’s face, a neat row of stitches covered the woman’s left temple, lip, and cheek. What was even more disturbing than the rest, however, was the striated appearance of the brunette’s neck. Sam let out a gasp as Lena let her head fall back against the wall with a dull thud. As the brunette’s strands fell away from Lena’s neck, Sam saw the purple lines marring the side of her best friend’s neck. They hadn’t been nearly as visible to her when she approached, but she saw them now. Sam felt sick to her stomach as she realized just how close Lena must have come to certain death.

"Lena-"

At that moment, Lena finally spared a look in her direction, acknowledging Sam’s existence. It was a hard thing to do, given the things that had happened between them lately, but it seemed like they were both finally ready to acknowledge that they needed one another. Sam found it hard to breathe as she watched Lena’s eyes flicker in her direction before the brunette quickly looked away again. Lena squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that she wouldn’t lose what little respect she had left by crying in the middle of the hallway. Sam’s eyes flickered over to Alex, who looked equally torn up about what to do. Her eyes met Sam’s, and then flickered back to Lena. Lena looked absolutely exhausted. To say that it had been a hell of a week would be a complete understatement. This one event had seemingly destroyed them all. Lena took a deep breath as she opened her eyes.

Sam desperately wanted to make things right with Lena, but she wasn’t sure how to go about it. Sam still blamed herself for everything that happened. She had brought a lot of undue pain to all of their lives.

“Lena,” Alex’s voice filled the silence between them. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Lena’s voice was hardly recognizable. Her usual husky alto sounded like it had been replaced with sandpaper. “It’s just… I could really use something to drink. I-I think I’m going to go get a coffee or something,” Lena mumbled, pushing herself up from the floor. She stumbled and Sam took a step forwards, wanting to help. Sam steadied her for a moment, making sure that Lena had her feet underneath her before she let go. “I’ll be back,” Lena said as her eyes met Alex’s.

“Okay,” Alex replied, knowing that she needed a minute to pull herself together again. The way she had found her tonight had nearly scared the hell out of her. Lena had adamantly declared that she was fine, and had refused to accept that she might not be. Sam watched Lena turn the corner and she felt an undeniable urge to follow after her. She wanted to stay close to Lena, so that she could make sure that her friend was in fact ‘all right’ as Lena seemed to keep insisting. At the same time, however, she knew Lena didn’t like to talk about her feelings and probably wouldn’t want anyone around when she was reflecting on what had happened.

Sam finally swallowed her pride. She was willing to be the sacrificial lamb so long as it meant that Lena had someone to comfort her. Lena clearly needed someone to hold her up. Sam caught up with the impenetrable, guarded CEO at the coffee maker in the break room. Sam could tell by the set of her shoulders that Lena was prepared for anything. And yet, Lena also looked as if she might blow over in a gentle breeze. Sam watched the woman closely. She was tapping her fingers on the side of the coffee machine as she waited for it to dispense the rest of her coffee. Sam took a deep breath and slowly closed the distance between them. Lena looked over her shoulder and finally turned around as Sam approached.

The clicking of boots on the floor that was so undeniably Sam, had alerted Lena to the fact that she was being followed, but she’d let Sam come to her of her own accord. Lena knew Sam would want to talk. Lena swallowed, tugging the shirt’s collar up around her neck so that Sam wouldn’t have to see it.

“Lena,” Sam spoke softly, her voice quavering. "Lena, please... Look, I know I'm probably the last person you want comfort from right now. But I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry about Supergirl."

"Did you know?" Lena finally asked the question that had been ripping her apart. "Did you know that Kara was Supergirl?"

"Lena," Sam breathed out in an exhale.

"Did you?!" Lena nearly shouted.

"I might have had a....an inkling, because of the fact that I was Reign for a time," Sam explained.

"And you couldn't tell me?" Lena asked angrily.

"I can tell that you think I should have," Same responded, "But it wasn't my place to do that, Lena. It wasn't my secret to share. It was Kara's." Lena clenched her jaw angrily, trying to keep a hold of her emotions. Then, "Does it really matter? Does the fact that Kara is Supergirl somehow erase all of your feelings for her? Because I don't think it's that easy."

"God, I hate how right you are about everything," Lena admitted, "I really fucking hate it."

"I know... And I am so so sorry," Sam apologized, "Cause I - I know how much you love her."

Lena watched carefully as a swell of emotions swept across Sam’s beautiful and symmetrical features. There were so many that Lena had a difficult time naming them all. However, the tears shimmering in Sam’s eyes told her all she needed to know. Sam was experiencing sadness, fear, and regret. Lena knew, because she was feeling them too.

"Sam?"

Sam opened her arms in a silent invitation, and Lena took it without any hesitation whatsoever. She rushed forwards into Sam’s waiting arms, and suddenly, Sam couldn’t bring herself to care about anything else. Sure, there were some unresolved issues, and hurt feelings, but they could overcome it all with patience and some hard work.

“I'm sorry,” Lena breathed, as the shorter, almost immaculately put together woman threw her arms around her friend’s lean body and buried her face in space between Lena’s neck and shoulder. Lena closed her eyes, taking a long minute to breathe in Sam’s comforting scent. Despite the fact that Lena had to do it shallowly, she got her fill, letting Sam’s sweet scent fill up her lungs. Meanwhile, Lena’s side ached as if there was no tomorrow.

Sam held Lena just as tightly, never wanting to let go. She felt the dark haired brunette’s raw pain as Lena’s body started to shake uncontrollably in her arms. Sam’s body tightened, unprepared for Lena’s very violent breakdown. Lena rarely cried, if ever, and so Sam knew that Lena must be really upset. Sam swallowed painfully. She felt so very awful for causing Lena’s pain, as the woman in her arms let out sob after sob. Alex, who had followed to make sure everything was okay, watched the exchange, feeling sadness sweep over her.

“I’m sorry,” Sam breathed, brushing her fingers gently through Lena’s hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Lena tried to tell her, but Sam couldn’t believe her. After all, all of the horrible memories that she still carried with her, tended to make her think otherwise. After her split from the entity that they called Reign, Sam still remembered all of the horrible things that she’d done...including trying to kill Supergirl. So no, Sam couldn’t really let herself off of the hook for all of this. She still felt responsible for all of it.

“But it feels like it is,” Sam told her. “Lena, I’m so very sorry.” Lena hissed as Sam squeezed a little too hard in the wrong spot, and a bolt of lightning went surging through Lena’s ribcage.

"I hate you for being right," Lena admitted. "You were so right, Sam. About Kara. About everything. I had everything I ever wanted in this life, and I just let it slip through my fingers. She's gone." 

"Look, we'll get her back, okay?" Sam promised. "We'll find a way to get her back."

"I'm so sorry," Lena apologized as she sobbed into the crook of Sam's shoulder. "God... what is wrong with me? I can't fucking stop crying right now."

"Well, that might just have to do with everything you've been through in the last twenty four hours," Sam joked. "Look, I know that the Luthors kind of beat it into you... not to show any kind of emotion. But it's okay to cry, Lena. Sometimes - Sometimes you've just got to let it all out. And frankly? You've just been through hell. I'd be a little more concerned if you weren't completely losing it right now."

"Oh, Sam," Lena exhaled. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too," Sam admitted, as she gave Lena a squeeze - one that Lena didn't exactly react the best to. Sam was well aware when Lena let out a sound of pain. It almost sounded like a little bit of a whine.

"Shit," Sam immediately loosened her grip as she realized what she'd done. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you. Please tell me I didn't hurt you."

Sam looked into Lena’s dimmed green eyes. “It's nothing. Just a cracked rib,” Lena whispered as an explanation.

“Oh…” Sam looked apologetic. “Shit, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Lena replied, “It's fine. There's been no harm done. Now get back here,” Lena whispered, pulling Sam tightly against her one more time. And just like that, they settled back into each other's embrace, holding it for another long moment. They breathed in one another, feeling the things they were communicating then were so much more than simple words could possibly express.

Hours later, Lena found a deserted room, and made herself a new home inside of it. She flipped absentmindedly through one book after another, watching the hands of the clock move millimeter by millimeter around the circle, before starting their progress all over again. She had no perception of time and how much of it had passed, as she became too distracted by her own feelings.

The rich smell of coffee wafted through the air around her. She looked up to see another Agent from the DEO nursing a Styrofoam cup, as he sat chatting with one of the other agents from the strike team. They were sharing war stories, and boasting about their own acts of heroism. The thought that they were so oblivious of her pain, nearly made Lena sick.

Lena’s stomach rumbled loudly, reminding her she hadn’t eaten in a long time now. But Lena couldn’t even contemplate the notion of food at this point. Her stomach was twisted into countless knots, constantly churning in unrest. Her whole body seemed to be operating under extreme duress. Her head pounded relentlessly, and her hands went through fits where they started to shake and she could do nothing to steady them.

“There you are!” a familiar voice startled Lena from her reverie.

“Hey,” Lena said weakly, “How did you guys find me?"

“Oh,” Winn replied, “Alex - Alex kind of told us you were going through some stuff. She wanted us to keep an eye on you.” He took a long look at Lena, noting that she looked a little paler than usual. “You feeling any better?”

“Much,” Lena replied with a small smile. “Thank you.” Winn noticed that Lena’s eyes kept darting to the coffee clutched in his hand every couple of seconds. The young brunette cocked his head to the side, as Lena eyed it longingly.

“That for me?” Lena asked hopefully. Winn could tell that Lena was only joking, but the thought of giving it to her was enticing. Winn looked down at the cup in his hand and sighed. It had been days since he’d had coffee of any sort, and he wanted it so. But he also knew that some things in life were worth giving up. And Lena? Lena looked like she could use it a hell of a lot more than he could.

“Aww, heck. Sure, why not?” Winn replied as he held it out for Lena. Lena hesitated, her arm stopping only a couple inches shy of the cup.

“Are you sure?” Lena asked with a hint of skepticism in her voice, with her eyebrows scrunching ever so slightly in scrutiny. “I can really have it?”

“Yeah,” Winn replied gruffly, while adding a smile to offset the tone of his own bitterness. “I thought I was ready for coffee, but my stomach is still a bit…” Winn let his voice trail off. “Hey, are you going to take it, or what?” And that was all she needed. Winn chuckled, as Lena quickly plucked the coffee from his hands, as if she couldn't wait another second. Brainy looked up and saw this.

“What?!” Brainy squeaked, almost indignantly. “You gave her your coffee? Why didn’t I get any coffee?”

“Well, for one, probably because you never asked for it,” Winn laughed. Brainy shook his head, clearly frustrated by the whole thing.

“So,” Querl began, “I delivered your letter to J’onn. And, from what it looks like, Mon-El finally delivered Kara’s to you.”

“He did,” Lena confirmed, “But I can’t… The truth is, I don’t think I can listen to it right now. I’m not… I’m not ready.”

“Hey,” Winn’s voice softened. “It’s okay if you’re not, you know?”

“Thanks,” Lena said gratefully. “I will listen to it soon. But I guess that I just need some time to sort out my feelings first.”

Lena let out a sigh, reaching up to rub at the aching hollow of her stomach. She felt eyes on her, and knew that her friends couldn’t help but analyze her ministrations. It was clear they were still worried she was going to break down at some point. She knew that she must have looked thinner and frailer than usual.

Lena swallowed, trying to think of anything else, but the final moments she spent with Kara on the concrete.

“So,” Brainy hedged. “We know that you’re still recovering. But we were wondering if you might like to get to work. We can’t really bear the thought of sitting around any longer, and I’d much rather be doing something worthwhile…. something that will help Kara.”

“Why I thought you’d never ask,” Lena said with a smile. “Yeah. Let's get to work, boys.”

(The DEO, National City, United States of America)

Five Days Later...

Lena couldn't help but let out a groan as she found herself elbow deep in paperwork. In between working on the problems that the isotope poses with Winn and Brainy, she’s been trying to find ways to save the crumbling city. She sighed heavily as she reached up in an attempt to wipe the blurriness from her eyes. She was so tired that she could hardly think straight.

Because it had been such a busy week, Lena kept telling herself that she’d take care of the paperwork the next day. But then of course the next day’s events would cause her to bump it back until the next day, and so on… until the pile on her desk became nothing short of overwhelming. Lena was in the process of skimming through one of the documents she'd put together when she noticed several spelling errors. With a frustrated growl, Lena crumpled the piece of paper and chucked it into the waste bin. Lena let out a sigh, and dropped her head onto the desk. God, she was so tired, that it’s practically all she could think about. And as much as she wanted to get caught up on everything at L-Corp, Lena just had to admit that it wasn’t going to happen.

Lena shifted in her chair, groaning at the soreness in her shoulders and lower back. The chairs at the DEO clearly weren’t built with comfort in mind, she’d quickly realized. Lena swallowed as her eyes flitted to the clock. Another twelve hours had gone by. Lena reached up to rub the back of her neck with her free hand.

She had to keep working.

Lena would not give up on it. Kara was the strongest person she’d ever had the privilege of knowing. And Lena knew Kara would not give up easily. The fact that Kara was still alive was a testament to that.

Lena jumped slightly as the door opened and light flooded into the room from the hallway. Lena spared the visitor a look and re-focused her attention back on what she was doing. Lena let out a sigh as the blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman sat down next to her, and reached out a hand to touch her shoulder.

“Alex told me that I might be able to find you here,” Eliza told her gently. Lena squeezed her eyes shut.

Lena knew how hard the last week must have been for Eliza Danvers. Lena respected the woman for coming to her. Lena would never be able to thank Eliza enough, because the woman was ultimately able to tell her what Kara hadn’t ever been able to voice aloud.

Lena suddenly found it very hard to breathe as she turned to face a woman she’d grown to love and respect a great deal. She let out another strained breath as she looked back to the computer in front of her.

“You should get some rest,” Eliza suggested in a soft whisper. Lena met the woman’s eyes, sadly. “Lena, do you really think that I haven’t noticed? You haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten, and you haven't left here in nearly four days now. She wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.” Lena merely shook her head. She didn’t trust her voice at the moment. Silence built between them as they sat side by side for a long minute. Both seemed to respect one another. They both understood that their feelings for Kara were the same. They both loved Kara very much, and both missed her.

"Lena- " Eliza began softly, almost tenderly. It was almost like she were speaking to one of her daughters.

“I’m sorry,” Lena finally spoke into the silence between them. Lena nearly broke out in a fresh bout of tears, and her throat closed up on her, all over again. She’d been struggling to say those words to Kara’s mother since the moment Kara had nearly bled to death on the concrete. Just saying those words was a hard thing to do when she knew what it meant. It meant that she had failed Kara in some way. It meant that harm had come to her, and she hadn’t been able to stop it.

“Lena,” Eliza gently sighed. “Please. You can’t keep blaming yourself. You can’t keep beating yourself up like this. I don’t want you to do that. And Kara? She wouldn’t want you to do it either.”

“No,” Lena choked out emphatically. “It’s my fault. I’m her best friend. I was her partner… I was supposed to protect her, and I…I failed. In fact, I'm part of the reason such harm came to her. Maybe if I had realized what was happening sooner, then I could have spared you from this. She would have been spared from this.” Tears built in her eyes for the hundredth time in the last week.

Hold on
Yeah, I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone
I don't wanna move on
I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone for good
You're slipping through my fingertips
A little bit, by a little bit
I didn't know that loving you was the happiest I've ever been
(Oh, I've ever been)
So, I'm just tryna hold on

I'm just tryna hold on

“No you wouldn’t,” Elize spoke calmly. “Instead of you sitting here, it would be her. Even if you had realized what was happening sooner, it still would have been you that had taken the sword, and not her.”

“I almost wish it had,” Lena confessed aloud, for the first time. “I wish it had been me,” Lena said softly. And it was true. She hadn’t stopped wishing for that fact, since the moment that it had all happened. “I really do.”

“I know,” Eliza nodded. “And I think that is what makes this all the more heartbreaking.”

“You really do love her, don’t you?” Eliza said, looking at Lena with her own respect and adoration. “I’m sorry to say this, but there was a time when I thought that you couldn’t be trusted. All I ever wanted was to protect my daughter, and I thought that you would bring her misery. But what I didn’t realize is how much happiness you would bring her. I should’ve known. I should have known from the first moment that she defended you, just how special that you were. She – My daughter believed in you Lena. She saw how good you were, how virtuous, and brave, and true. I only wish that I had seen it sooner. You see... You're apologizing to me. But the truth is? I should be the one apologizing to you.”

“Eliza-”

“I’m sorry, Lena,” Eliza said, “That’s what I’m trying to say. If anyone here needs to apologize? It’s me. Not you! You loved my daughter. You loved her, and I? I was a fool.” Then. "You do love her, don't you?"

“Yes,” Lena breathed aloud, without hesitation. “I love her very much.”

“Then go rest, Lena,” she ordered her softly. “Please. Take a shower, eat something, get some rest, and then come back tomorrow. The work will still be here in the morning. I promise you that It’s not going to go anywhere.” She held Lena’s eyes in a sort of challenge. Lena let out a gruff sigh of resignation and reluctantly released the edge of the desk. After all, how could she deny the woman? Eliza deserved her respect.

The wise, insightful, and very kind matron of the Danvers family, was right.

Lena’s hand froze on the door handle when Eliza’s voice filled the room. “Lena?” Lena turned around slowly to see that Eliza was still watching him. “I know that I can’t make you stop blaming yourself for what happened, but you have to know somewhere in that head of yours that it’s not really your fault. And if you really can’t believe me? Then try to think about it in a different way. Kara never would have made it this far without you.” Lena opened her mouth to protest, but Eliza seemed to be reading her mind because she cut Lena off before she could even begin. “Don’t argue with me. I know… I know about it all, despite Kara’s best efforts to keep me out of that part of her life.”

“Mrs. Danvers,” Lena breathed as she ran a hand over her face in a rough manner “She wouldn’t have even been in those situations if it weren’t for me. And as for the fight with Reign? She never would have been so reckless, if it weren’t for my own stupidity. I put her there. Me. In every sense of the word, you should hate me.”

“Then you’re out of luck,” Eliza replied sternly, “Because I don’t… In fact, I’m quite indebted to you.” Lena just shook her head.

“You’re not giving yourself enough credit,” Eliza stood up, shaking her head. “Lena, you honestly don’t know how lost Kara was before she met you. You haven’t seen the transformation, as I have, because you had nothing to compare it to. But Kara? It took her a long time to start living after she got here. She had a life - an identity - but she was always just playing a part. She didn't feel it, or experience life in the way she should have, because she was always so afraid of giving her true self away. You may not see it, but I do… In the last few years, you - you have taught my daughter how to live again. You have taught her that it is okay to be her true self - to be human. She was so afraid of happiness, of living that she threw herself completely into a role where she lived on the brink of life everyday. But she didn’t really live. She didn’t breathe… U-Until you.” Lena swallowed. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that you saved her in more ways than you ever realize. And for that? I…I want to say thank you, Lena.”

“I hope you know that I would have done anything for her,” Lena confessed wholeheartedly, her voice thick with emotion. “I’m just sorry that it wasn’t enough…” Then she added, “I’m so sorry that I couldn't save her. If I had then maybe…maybe she wouldn’t be lost to us all.” Lena watched as Eliza opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again as she grappled for the right words to say. Lena swallowed, deciding that she couldn’t take much more. “Take care, Mrs. Danvers,” Lena said as she pulled the woman in for a soft hug. She was surprised at the strength with which the matron of the Danvers’ family reciprocated.

“She loved you too, Lena. Please don’t ever doubt my daughter’s love for you,” Eliza said softly and Lena couldn’t keep her body from breaking out into reckless, uncontrollable sobs. She fled from the room with embarrassment, wiping furiously at her cheeks as she rushed through the halls of the DEO. She needed an escape. She needed to get away, and she knew exactly where to go.

Chapter Text

Trigger Warning (It is highly recommended that you skip this bit if you think depictions of self-harm will upset you!) Look for the asterisks below, in order to tell you where it's safe to start reading! Thank you!

(3 weeks later: Lena’s office @ L-Corp, National City, U.S.A., Earth-38)

Lena was numb. She sat utterly defeated and destroyed, her body hunched over in a position that eerily resembled the fetal position. She could feel the floor beneath her, despite the fact that her backside had gone numb a long time before. Her back remained pressed against the couch, as if anchored there. She felt undeniably tied to the piece of furniture, to the couch where she’d spent so many precious moments with Kara. There were so many moments that she would give everything to go back to and relive. Because doing so would mean that she would have more time with Kara. It meant that she might have the chance to right some of the horrible wrongs and mis-steps that she'd made. 

Lena swallowed painfully over the lump in her throat, as she hefted a crystal glass full of amber liquid in her hand. She could feel the undulations of the liquid inside, as it sloshed against the walls of the glass. She vaguely felt some of that liquid escape and run down the side, finding her fingers. They became sticky under the liquid, but Lena could not be bothered to pay it any mind. She had far more pressing things to worry about.

She stared without seeing at the floor, listening to the distant memories replaying themselves in her mind.

I've spent most of my life wishing I could talk to people that are no longer here. 

"How did you know?" Lena whispered. "Damn it, Kara. Why... Why didn't you tell me?" Lena swallowed. Her throat burned fiercely under her questions, and so did her eyes. 

Lena felt her own losses in the echoes of Kara's words. She wished that she could talk to Kara now. She wished she could tell her all of the things she hadn't had the courage to say before.

Lena's eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, from the tears she reluctantly shed. Her vision blurred at the edges, with all of the tears that she was now holding back. Her body shook with the pain she felt. Glimpses of memories flashed through her head repeatedly.

Kara had been wise beyond her years. Even now, looking back on some of the earliest conversations they'd had, it seemed like Kara had the knowledge of a thousand lifetimes settled upon her shoulders. She'd never really understood how that could be so. She never understood how Kara knew the things she knew. But now Lena finally understood why. It was because Kara had lived countless lives... (if two lives and an interwoven web of identities and secrets could be counted). But Kara... Kara had a unique ability to see things that others missed. She had a strong moral compass, and learned from mistakes. She had seen the destruction of a planet, and in an effort to make sure that no one else had to go through that pain, she'd taken up the mantle of protecting another. Because of the losses she'd suffered as a young woman, Kara knew the value of things in life. She knew the value of love, of kindness.

During her tenure as Supergirl, Kara had seen the best and the very worst, of humanity. And because of that, she knew what qualities were worth cherishing in one's self, and which were worth banishment.

But somehow, no matter how evil, or how misguided someone might be, they were not beyond saving. No one was. Kara was very strict about that fact.

And Lena knew that if Kara hadn't believed that fact, that she would have cut Lena from her life the moment she found out about the Kryptonite. But Kara had stayed. She had fought tirelessly for what Lena was so ready to throw by the wayside. Kara had fought for them. She'd fought for Lena, and Lena still didn't fully understand why Kara was so unwilling to let her go.

I know what it's like to be disillusioned by our parents. But I'm a pretty good judge of character. And you are not like your mother. She is cold and dangerous. And you are too good and too smart to follow in her path. Be your own hero.

For the first time in her life, Lena saw everything clearly. There had been so many moments over the years during which Lena had asked herself if the effort was worth it. If the pain and the heartache and the hardship was really and truly worth it. Because from where Lena stood – or sat - it seemed that they were fighting a battle that just couldn’t be won. Sure, they’d won this battle. But so many people had been lost in the process. 

That was another thing. They had a death toll, now. Every day those numbers climbed higher. It was both painful and disheartening. Still, every time the number climbed higher, Lena willed herself to remember. It could have been 7.5 billion. They could have lost 7.5 billion people. Humanity as they knew it, could have been destroyed.

The difference? Was one brave, selfless, and fearless young woman.

It all started with one.

Lena let out a levied breath. How many people in earth's history have looked at the world's problems and thought, 'Yeah, there's a problem, but what can I do? I'm only one person. It's too big, too daunting."

And then there was Kara - her dear, beautiful, sweet, loving, Kara, standing in the way of a titan. She'd stood in-between humanity and what most people might have considered a God, and said, "No.I will not let you take this world. You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers. There are still good people left on this planet, and I will not let you take it from them without a fight."

And what had Lena done? She'd given the titan the means to kill her. She'd created the blade of the weapon used to spear Kara through the heart.

Lena squeezed her eyes shut, willing the pain in her chest to go away, as more tears streaked down her cheeks. It was an absolutely gut-wrenching thought. And it destroyed her day in and day out. My god. What had she done?

Had Kara been right all those months ago? Was Lena no better than her brother? Kara had trusted her. She had believed in the things that Lena was doing. She’d always believed there was good in her. But had she been wrong?

What made it worse, was that Lena constantly heard Kara's voice in her head telling her it wasn't her fault. Kara's voice was constantly reminding Lena that she was good, and that she should never doubt it. But then Lena's own voice would grow louder. It would drown all of the good in darkness, it would drown it with its sheer volume, and would leave Lena desperately wanting to know. Who was right?!

No one could make it through life without optimism, without a promise that things would in fact get better. Sometimes, however, things just didn’t. Sometimes, in the case of Lena, things only got worse.

It wasn’t the first time she’d seen someone die in front of her. Hell, it wasn’t even a rarity. Lena seemed to be cursed. One by one, she’d watched those she loved most vanish from her life one by one. First, it had been her mother – her real mother, then Lionel, and Lex, and Jack. But Kara… Lena had been so sure that she would be the one to defy the odds. There was something special about her, something that defied all logic and expectation. And then, of course, there was the promise that she’d made on this very couch, something about protecting Lena – always. Always. Oh boy. What a mockery that word had become in Lena's mind.

Lena couldn't fathom why she was still so angry over a broken promise. I mean, it's not as if Kara really had much control over the things that had transpired.

Unfortunately, Kara never had a chance at upholding that promise. It was impossible for Kara to keep. Because the promise that Kara had made her on that fateful night, on the very couch behind Lena's back, had been an oxymoron.

Kara had been unable to protect Lena, and uphold her promise of always, at the same time. Keeping one promise meant breaking another. And Lena can't help but think that Kara made the wrong choice.

Lena lifted the gun higher, opening her eyes. Oh, yes, Lena saw things a lot clearer now. For all of the good that that knowledge did her.

What a joke.

Drink up baby doll
Mmm, are you in or out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy oh, writing a tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap when
You've no idea what you're like

Lena’s head throbbed with the pressure behind her eyes. She’d had way too much to drink. She could feel it now. She'd passed the point of inebriation, long ago. After all, the decanter in front of her was nearly empty now. But it didn’t stop Lena from lifting the glass to her lips, once more, and didn’t dissuade her from taking another healthy sip of the amber liquid. It was a gulp, more like, but Lena no longer cared. No one was here to stop her. And if Lena wanted to drink herself to death, well then, Lena felt that was her prerogative.

Slowly Lena lifted the gun in her other hand higher. The weight of weapon seemed to grow with each passing second.

She wanted the pain to end. One question passed through her mind over and over again. What if she had lost perspective? What if she had let too much darkness in, and it had corrupted her? It was a delicate balance, that was for sure, but what if Lena was starting to cross a line? What if she was starting to do more harm in this world than good? She always thought that the best thing she could do, was to do her job, but what if it was about more than that? Maybe the best thing she could do, was let things go.

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Lena felt her phone start to go off in her pocket. She knew without a doubt it was James calling, and swallowed hard, feeling her throat constrict tightly. She didn’t understand why he kept trying. Why he kept fighting for her, when she didn't want him to fight for her anymore. His constant pressure to talk about the things she was going through, only made her feel worse. Mainly, because Lena just didn’t know how to explain what she was going through. She knew she'd have to tell him everything, in order to explain why she was so adversely affected by Kara's death.

She was use to people keeping her at a distance - at that safe 10 foot distance she'd joked about many a time before. And because of that, she had been afraid to let anyone get too close to her, now. She was afraid that she wouldn't be any good at it - at sharing her feelings, and talking about her hopes and fears.

From a very young age, Lena had learned to be self-proficient and self-reliant. Her family, (specifically her adoptive mother Lillian) had been nothing short of apathetic towards her. In fact, Lillian did not seem to care the least bit about her well-being. Lena is still convinced that Lillian would have thrown Lena to the wolves, if she'd had her way. Lena was sure that her father did, in fact, care for her a great deal. But his work had taken precedence over her. Her father was a hard-working man, who earned every cent of what he’d made (And believe me, Lena would know. She'd seen the kind of hours that he kept). Lex, had been the one to show the most deference for her. He'd shown her more love in those first couple years, than a young boy should have to give a complete stranger. But over the years, Lex had fallen victim to his madness. And when he'd seen that she did not share his viewpoints, he'd abandoned her. Lena had seen her value, more clearly, when her parents elected to send her away. They'd defended their decision many times over the years, claiming that it was for the benefit of her education. But Lena feared she'd known the reason all along. She was an inconvenience, to both Lillian and Lionel. When Lena graduated from secondary school, she had immediately been ready to move on with her life. She applied herself in her studies to an almost unhealthy degree. And upon graduation, she had no shortage of degrees. From then on, she had become entirely independent. She'd taken over the wreckage of her father's company. She resurrected that same company, and re-built it (into something she could be proud of). She was a driven woman in a field dominated by men, and when she set her sights on something, nothing could stop her. Lena had always put work before relationships. She wasn’t afraid of risking her life. But she was petrified of risking her heart.

After what had happened between her and Jack, Lena had been overly protective of her heart. And when she'd moved to National City she had vowed that she wasn't going there to make friends. She made a promise to herself that she wasn't going to let anyone behind those walls again. She wasn't going to let anyone break her heart again. 

But she never could have imagined what was waiting for her in National City.

From the very first moment, Kara Danvers had walked into this office, Lena should have known she was in deep trouble. There was just.... there was just something about her that couldn't be accounted for. She was earnest - and endlessly kind in a way Lena could have never been prepared for. But more than that, Kara was relentless about that kindness. If anyone had a right to th phrase, "kill them with kindness," it was Kara. When she saw the value of something, she fought for it endlessly, determinedly. And for whatever reason, she had seen something good in Lena - something that made her want to fight for Lena's friendship, and then... her heart. 

Lena never stood a chance. There's no way she could have resisted her. Lena had spent so long building walls around herself, and so long putting all her feelings into neat little boxes, that it shocked her when she realized just how far Kara had gotten inside her heart. She'd filled one box, then another, then another, until Lena was sure there wasn't a single box that didn't have a piece of Kara within it. It was like Lena's heart belonged to her.

When it came to Kara, Lena’s feelings were strong. In fact, they were so strong and so overwhelming that it became frightening. And it didn't take long for Kara to worm her way inside, either. Part of Lena is sure she'd been ready to give Kara her heart, after their first real argument in this very office. Lena had secretly loved Kara for standing up to her. She loved the fact that Kara had principles, and even more, for being willing to stand up for those principles, even if it meant exchanging a discourse with a friend.

Over the years, Lena had seen all of Kara's great qualities. She'd come to see a few of the negative ones, too, But Kara's good qualities distantly outnumbered the bad. 

Even so much as a few months ago, Lena had wanted to confess her feelings, but knew that she couldn’t do it in the way she wanted, until she figured out how to let the beautiful woman in.

Lena didn’t know how to admit the truth… and the truth was, that she was not only attracted to another woman, but that she was in love with another woman. Lena also couldn’t bring herself to admit that she needed Kara in her life. She had seen the correlation. There was a direct correlation between Lena's own happiness, and Kara. So there it was, the problem. Lena wasn’t used to needing someone, and she certainly wasn’t used to depending on another person for love or comfort. So when she fell so hard for her best friend and realized it for the first time, she became petrified. Lena did the only thing she knew. She ran. She spent weeks avoiding Kara, at great expense to her mood (as Eve and Jess had so kindly pointed out). Lena had forced herself to come up with excuses as to why they shouldn’t be together; knowing all the while that it was the one thing she wanted more than anything. She loved Kara more than she'd ever loved anyone else. She wanted nothing more than to make the light haired, blue-eyed woman happy, and yet, she was desperately afraid that she would never be good enough for her. She was afraid that a dark soul like hers, would only bring Kara down. After all, wasn't it plausible that Lena's dark could cancel out Kara's light. She couldn't bear the thought that she would bring darkness to the kind of sunshine Kara exhibited.

Lena's hand tightened around the handle as she lifted the gun, pressing the cool metal barrel against her temple. It felt soothing. She pressed it against her skin harder, wanting to feel the pain and the bite that came with it. The muscles in her hand tightened, while her finger slowly slid to cover the trigger. Lena gritted her jaw against itself, locking it into place. She caressed the trigger with her index finger, lovingly, almost as if it were a lover's caress. She let out a breath out slowly through her nose, closing her eyes again as the finger on the trigger squeezed tighter and tighter, trying to find the fine line between it lying dormant, and exploding in a mess of power and destruction. Finally, with a thundering, almost lurching pulse of her heart, Lena found it.

‘Click’

Lena gasped as her heart began to thunder away in her chest, reminding her that she was in fact a coward. She felt a surge of adrenaline, and for that fraction of a moment she felt the high. She felt powerful, and unafraid. But the truth was, that she was incredibly afraid of death… She was petrified of actually experiencing the unknown. She didn't really believe there was a god. She didn't believe in any sort of an afterlife. And what if all that was waiting for her on the other side, was blackness? Unimpeachable, unimpeded darkness, with no beginning and no end? And when did consciousness or self-awareness end? Was it right away? Or would she have to answer for her endless crimes, first? No, Lena did not really want to find out the answers to those questions. At least not now.

Seeing Kara go in the way that she had? Well, it only made Lena more afraid. Because Lena knew without a shadow of a doubt, Kara had suffered. She could feel it in the blonde's waning and strenuous breaths. Sure, Kara had tried to hide it. And she'd really hid it well. To some untrained passers-by who didn't know Kara well, they might've missed it. But Lena? My god, she'd seen the pain shrouded in Kara's beautiful blue eyes. And hell, even remembering it now, caused Lena undeniable pain.

"It should have been me," Lena said with a thick voice. "It should have been me that paid the price!" Lena felt angry now. "How dare you? How dare you try and pay the price for me, Kara?!"

Again she shouted her questions to no one. And god damn did it hurt.

Lena let out a quavering breath, her whole body shaking. With a huff she set the gun down on the floor next to her, deciding to pay attention to the glass of scotch she held in her other hand. She took a healthy swallow, coughing as the alcohol burned on its way down. Lena closed her eyes, waiting for the first sip to settle in her stomach before taking another and another.

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

She yearned to be free of the agony.

Lena figured that with some more liquid courage in her, she would be brave enough to go through it. Minutes passed, and Lena finished the decanter of scotch. She finally had a pretty good buzz going at that point. Finally, she felt numb, oddly detached. It was what she wanted, and yet? Lena was desperate to feel something, anything at all. Lena glared down at the glock on the floor, Slowly, she reached for it and picked it up. She stared at it for a long moment, weighing her options.

Could she actually do it? Lena still didn't actually know.

"i guess there's only one way to find out," Lena breathed to herself. With a flick of her thumb she switched off the safety.

She swallowed, as she pulled back the hammer and loaded the chamber.

This time there was a round in the chamber. This time she could end her seemingly pathetic existence.

Failure. Alone. Coward. The words echoed around her head in a taunt. Slowly, Lena lifted the gun, taking it in her hand once more. 

Lena lifted the pistol back to its place against her temple. After all, she had no desire to swallow her gun, and figured that it would be just as effective to do it her way.

Lena’s eyes were closed and she was focused on the cool metal pressing against her skin, when fate so kindly and unwelcomely intervened.

Lena stiffened, remaining completely frozen as she heard a key slide into the lock. Her brain was telling her to drop the gun and hide it, but a part of her was so dazed that she didn’t know what was happening. A frantic breath escaped her lips as the door was thrown open. So much for her plans. Man, life was really a bitch sometimes. 

The only action that Lena seemed able to take, was to let her right arm drop slightly so that the barrel was aimed at the ceiling at a shallow angle. She could still feel the soothing metal still pressing against the skin of her temple, but even if the gun went off it would likely ricochet, and couldn't kill her.

Lena's eyes dropped to floor, as if averting in shame. She concentrated on the warm timber of the music as the strings took over the central theme once more. Cello and bass hummed softly beneath higher strings and winds as they took over the melody, with a certain gentleness. The vivacity and boasting grandeur of the earlier piece, seemed to give way to some semblance of peace and quiet. It was so different from just moments before.

Lena had always loved Dvorak’s New World Symphony. She felt like the music accurately covered both sides of the spectrum of life. With the winds playing, the melody could be extremely gentle and serene. However, the lower strings and brass could instill a sort of turmoil and urgency in one’s soul. With the crescendos, dynamics, and key changes, the symphony could be seen as a classic play on good and evil. Of strife and victory. Of strength and perseverance. Lena stared at the floor between her legs. For the first time, she thought of James as she caught the smell of cologne wafting into her office. It was strong and overpowering. It was so different from Kara's smell, which seemed muted, and quiet - almost delicate in comparison.

Delicate. Lena nearly snorted with humor at the word choice. Because Lena was sure that the words, Delicate, and Kara, shouldn't ever be used in the same sentence. If anyone was larger than life, it was Kara. Kara had a strength both inside and out, that Lena could only fathom.

James froze just inside of the door. He’d called Lena more times than she could count, and when she received no reply, he’d started to worry. It was with good reason. James let out a gasp as he stepped into Lena’s office and saw the CEO for the first time. Even in the dim lighting, there was no mistaking the item in Lena’s hand. James saw the glint of light reflecting off the pistol in Lena’s hand. Panic and fear flashed across his features in rapid succession as he sprung into action. He knew all about guns. He knew about the minute force that was needed to compress the trigger, and fire the weapon. He knew all about the diameter of the chamber, the bullet casing and the explosive force with which the bullet was expelled from the chamber. And though he was deathly afraid of the object and the way Lena was holding it in her hand, he didn’t let his fear stop him from moving. He couldn't let her go through with it.

****End of Trigger Warning ****

Before she knew what was happening, Lena felt James’ warm hands gently pry the service weapon from her hand, lifting it away. With a sigh of relief, James felt no fight in her as he pulled away the weapon. He slid the clip out of the handle, emptied the chamber, and set it down on the table, all the while with his heart thundering in his chest. He couldn’t breathe. The look in Lena’s eyes made him fear what was to come. Because he didn’t recognize the woman staring back at him. The Lena he knew and loved was nowhere to be found. And for the first time in her life, James didn’t know what to do. Nothing had prepared him for this moment.

While gulping air, James knelt down forcing Lena’s legs apart with his hands. James moved forwards, and Lena turned away, determined not to let James see the turmoil inside. She didn’t want James to know that she was a shell of a human being. Tears built in Lena’s eyes. Her vision blurred and her eyes burned as she fought back the tears. He’d watched over the last few weeks as Lena slowly slipped away from him, seemingly self-destructing, but he’d never imagined it coming to this. Lena had always been so strong. In fact, Lena was one of the bravest people that James had ever met, and he loved that about her.

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

James knew the signs of depression, and now that he saw them in front of his own eyes, it seemed like a whole other reality. How had he not noticed before? A shudder took over James' spine with paralyzing fear, as he realized that if he’d been so much as a few minutes later, that he might have been kneeling over Lena’s lifeless body.

Slowly James slid forwards, closing the distance between their bodies. He reached out, trapping and cradling Lena’s face in her hands. Lena fought the touch, trying to pull away, but James wouldn’t let her. He needed answers. Now that he knew what was really at stake, he knew he had to get them. Because if he didn't? Well, let's just say that he might not be so lucky next time.

“Lena,” James whispered. “You have to talk to me. Please,” James begged desperately. Lena tried to look away, squeezing her eyes shut. But once again, James would have none of it. “I need you to talk to me. I need you to try and meet me half way. Because I can’t keep doing this by myself. Lena, you have to start letting me in.” Lena shook her head.

“I can’t,” Lena whispered, her voice breaking roughly.

“You have to!” James breathed rather emphatically, “I mean, Jesus! I just found you with a gun to your head. Do you have any idea how unbelievably scared I am right now?” Lena remained utterly and completely silent. Lena took a deep trembling breath as her hands began to shake. “Please. We’re never going to make it through this if you won’t let me in.” Lena stared into the James’ shimmering eyes for a long moment, searching for something.

"Lena-" His jaw worked furiously as he tried to come up with the questions he knew he needed to be asking. "How long have you been thinking about hurting yourself?" he finally asked. "And why on earth would you want to?"

Lena couldn't help but feel a little defensive as she asked, “Where the hell is this coming from?”

“How dare you ask me that?” James hissed angrily, his brown eyes flashing in hurt. “I care about you, Lena!”

There was a slight pause, and then Lena breathed, “But I don't get it! Why? Why do you care?” She saw something flicker through Jame’s eyes. She swallowed when she recognized it. James was telling the truth.

“How - How can you even ask me that?” James questioned. “I mean God, Lena, is that really so hard to believe? That someone might actually care about you?”

"Truthfully?"

"Yes," he demanded.

"Then, I would say yes. It's hard for me to believe that someone...anyone would care about me."

James closed his eyes, and let out a defeated breath. He hadn't realized just how difficult and heartbreaking this conversation would be. 

They'd been dating for months, and Lena had never given him the slightest indication. He knew she was guarded. That she kept a lot of things to herself. But the fact that she could be harboring these feelings inside of her, after months of them dating absolutely destroyed him. He felt like he didn't know her at all. And, he reckoned, maybe he didn't. He felt like a fool. 

He can remember thinking that she was like the others in her family. He can remember once thinking that she put up a front, in order to deceive others. But no. It had just been about hiding her pain. Years and years of unfathomable pain. He couldn't even imagine having to live with that sort of pain. He suddenly felt horrible. If anyone was unworthy of love, it was him.

“You should go.”

“No,” James refused.

"James-"

“No! You’re really messed up if you think I’m going to walk away now - not more than a minute after I found you with a gun!” Anger raged inside of James at Lena’s stubbornness. “God! Don’t you see what holding all of it in is doing to you?” James asked. “Can you really not see it?” James swallowed. "Look, i'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I didn't see it sooner. But please don't mistake my ignorance as indifference."

“I can’t do what you’re asking me to do,” Lena repeated.

“So you should probably get out of whatever this is now before you get hurt.” Lena gestured to the space between them with her hand.

“No! I’m not leaving you,” James choked out, grabbing Lena’s hands in his own. He could feel how soft and fragile they felt in his own. “Look at me, Lena.” Lena, ever the stubborn one, refused. Lena gasped a little as James forced her to. “I don’t know how to make you understand, but somehow... somehow I have to!” Lena stared back at him, still frozen. Her whole body stiffened at his touch. Her wrists throbbed where James kept a steadfast grip on them. They ached, but when Lena tried to pull away or tried to break the contact, James kept a steadfast grip on them. “Why can’t you understand?” James asked quietly, with each word hitching in his throat. “I care about you,” James cried. He was actually crying now. For her. For him. For the both of them, together. “And so does Winn, and Alex, and Brainy. And Kara… Kara did too. She loved you. Please. She wouldn’t want you to do this.”

“But you still haven’t explained why you care about me,” Lena’s rough voice was hardly audible as she silently begged with her eyes for James to take it all back. Unfortunately, James couldn’t. “You can’t mean it.”

“Why not?” James challenged.

“Because,” Lena tossed back him, not knowing what to say. Finally, she managed to make more of an argument. “I’m not worthy,” Lena bit out, still trying to pull away from James. James felt sick, knowing that Lena believed herself unworthy of love. When she was most beautiful person, both inside and out, that he had ever known. “And I have absolutely nothing to offer any of you. I don’t know how to-” Lena swallowed. “I’m not good enough, James,” Lena breathed with conviction, “I’ll never be good enough for you. You deserve someone better.”

“Lena,” he watched helplessly as Lena’s eyes brimmed over with tears, and one escaped. He watched, completely transfixed as the tear trailed down Lena’s fair cheek. “You must not see yourself the way that others see you,” James informed her. “You’re strong, brave, selfless, compassionate, driven, generous, kind, beautiful,” James listed off. “And before you tell me that it’s not true, or that I can’t possibly mean that,” James spoke preemptively, “I do. I mean it with every fiber of my being.” It was sad. He was more in love with her than ever before, and she didn't want it. Lena didn't want his love. She couldn't accept it. Because he wasn't Kara.

“James,” Lena swallowed, her throat constricting uncomfortably. James stopped breathing as he realized, for the first time, that Lena was only inches away from him now.

For some reason, her close proximity had James’ heart racing out of control in his chest. James silently wondered if he affected the her in the same way. They were close enough to each other that they were breathing the same air. And James closed his eyes, as he finally gave in and breathed in the delicate scent of Lena’s perfume.

Lena’s eyes fluttered closed as James moved the last couple of inches, and captured her lips with his own. James felt the gentle pressure of soft, pliant lips against his own. Noses brushed together as the kiss quickly deepened. James’ hands moved up to pause at Lena’s shoulders, before ultimately slipping into her long hair. Silken strands ran through his fingers, as James’ tried to keep some sort of hold on the woman. She yielded, and began kissing him back. Lena’s lips parted a small fraction as James teasingly ran his tongue along the edge of Lena’s lower lip, seeking entrance. Lena didn't open her mouth, but James did as a silent invitation that he was hers if she wanted. His lips parted, letting Lena’s tongue press inside. James let out a moan as Lena’s tongue slipped inside to mate with its counterpart. It was a nice moment. The moment was shattered soon enough, however.

James could taste scotch, its taste strong and repulsive, as Lena perused the warm confines of James’ mouth. It was a reminder of Lena’s current state, and it served as a wake up call for James.

Lena was drunk. She could not properly consent to anything. And he was taking advantage of her love and her kindness. Again.

Lena savored the taste and the feel of James’ mouth against hers, not sure if she’d ever get a chance to kiss him again. James’ body was flush against hers, and even though they were both fully clothed, Lena could feel the heat that was steadily building between them.

James retreated as air became a necessity and the kiss broke. They locked eyes briefly.

Lena couldn’t seem to take in enough air, and so she took in oxygen through labored rasps. She noticed what she could only assume was regret cross over James’ features, as he pulled away.

Tears started seeping from Lena’s eyes, as James’ eyes opened and she registered the agony and pain in the usually strong man’s gaze.

“Lena,” James pleaded, “Talk to me.” Lena’s breathing hitched. “Please tell me what you’re thinking.” Lena, who was desperate to preserve whatever was left of her pride, started rebuilding her protective walls.

They were both too stubborn. But James had no choice but to keep prodding. “Please…” ‘stop’ Lena didn’t speak the second word, hoping that the plea would be enough by itself. “Let it go, and just go home.”

“I can’t do that,” James spoke softly, reaching out to touch Lena.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” he asked her. He sounded like he was in pain. “Lena, why are you so hellbent on causing yourself so much pain and misery?” Lena clenched her jaw, stubbornly refusing to answer.

“Lena, please… just give me something…anything. You have to let me in. Because… I - I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep seeing you hurting like this. it’s absolutely killing me inside. The truth is, I want so badly to take your pain away, but you’re making it so impossible for me to do anything to help.”

“James-”

“Just tell me why!” he ordered, his patience nearly at an end. Then something seemingly occurred to him for the first time. “Is this about her? It is, isn’t it!?” Lena tried not to react to this question, but her face must have given something away, because he latched onto the idea. “This is about Kara. It’s always been about Kara.”

Lena swallowed and looked away. She suddenly couldn’t bear to look him in the eye. Because she was sure that if he saw into her eyes, then he would know the truth. He would know she'd been in love with Kara all along.

“Why?” he pressed. “I don’t understand. Why can’t you let it go, Lena? She was my friend too, you know? And she’s Alex’s sister for crying out loud, but neither one of us spends every night trying to drink ourselves into oblivion. So I'll ask you again! Why?! Why are you doing this?”

“Because she wasn’t just a friend to me!" Lena shouted. It was like a reflex. And the truth is, Lena wasn't sure she could've stopped herself from answering. James looked shocked.

"She was more than a friend to me," Lena said quietly, but more passionately than she'd ever spoken anything in her whole life. She was no longer able to hold back the words. “More than family. I was... I was in love with her, James! I was so in love with her, and I didn’t know." James swallowed. It was taking everything in him, just to keep breathing. "I didn’t realize it until she was already gone,” Lena told him.

So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

“Oh...” James suddenly seemed at a loss for words. “But.. you’re with me.”

“I know,” Lena exhaled.

“You’re supposed to be in love with me,” he spoke, with his voice holding a little more passion in it.

“I know that too,” Lena admitted as she looked away, staring right through him and into the night curtained behind glass windows.

“But you’re not,” James spoke the realization with such pain, that Lena was sure she was going to hell for having caused it.

“No,” Lena confirmed gently. The words were so quiet, that James had to strain his ears in order to catch them. “No, I’m not.”

“Because...” he swallowed loudly, before repeating the words very slowly as if he were willing himself to process them, “Because you’re in love with Kara. And you always have been.”

“James, I never meant to... I never wanted to-," it was Lena's turn to flounder now. "-to hurt you," Lena finally and painstakingly finished.

“I’m sorry,” He breathed. “But I can’t… I can’t do this. I have to… I have to go.”

“James, please-”

“I’ll have Alex or Winn come and be with you because you shouldn’t be alone,” James spoke, “But I can’t... I can't stay here.”

“James-”

“You just kissed me!” he sounded angry. His voice was accusing as he looked at her with something akin to hatred.

“I’m drunk,” Lena reminded him, her words slurring as she tried to speak. “I’ve been drunk this whole time.” Her eyes had trouble following him as he moved. There were two of him now, which Lena knew was a very bad sign. She must be more inebriated than previously thought. And now that she thought about it, she was slurring her words quite heavily too.

“Did you ever have feelings for me?” he couldn’t help but ask. “Or was it always her?”

“I think I wanted… I wanted to, James,” Lena admitted, “Please believe me when I say that you’re a really amazing guy. If I had realized it sooner, I never... I never would have let it go on this long. But I didn't know. I didn't know until it was too late. And then, even when I did, I didn't know how to tell you without absolutely destroying you, so I tried to keep it inside.”

"How long?" he asked. "How long has it been? You said that you didn't know until it was too late."

"She was bleeding to death in my arms," Lena told home. She had to stop to try and choke back a sob, but it still burst forth. "I tried... I tried telling her."

“Did she know?”

“No,” Lena replied sadly.

“Not even at the very end?”

“No,” Lena confirmed. "I don't think she heard. Her eyes were empty. She...she was gone."

“I know you probably won’t believe me when I say this,” James said, as he slowly got up and walked to the door, “But I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. To love someone and lose someone is bad enough. But knowing that they didn't know how you felt? Well-”

“I’m sorry, too,” Lena said as tears streaked down her face.

“I know,” he nodded. “Look, for what it’s worth? It would be really shitty if she somehow came back after overcoming unbelievable odds, only to find that you’d done something to yourself. You need to fight for it, Lena. And if you can’t do it for yourself? Then please, do it for her! She gave up her life so that you would have one.”

“I never asked her to,” Lena told him as she reached up to swipe away at the tears that were slipping down her cheeks. "I think that's what makes it even harder. It feels like she paid the price for something I'd done. It... It should have been me."

“I know.” He sighed. “But I don’t think she could have made any other choice.”

“What are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I think that she… she was in love with you too,” James told her.

"Why?" Lena couldn't help but ask, "Why do you say that?"

"You mean, besides the obvious reasons?" he quipped, before he finally decided to elaborate, “So I'm pretty sure you remember this, but... When the Daxamites invaded? Kara willingly made the choice to irradiate Earth’s atmosphere with lead, even though she knew that it meant she would have to send Mon-El away. She decided that saving the world from the Daxamites was more important than having a loved one. But that night over the reservoir? She couldn’t let you fall, Lena. She knew what was at stake. She knew the risk. And she flat out refused to choose the people of National City over you. And she told me once that she feared what would happen if she ever had to choose between you and the Earth. She knew she cared for you too much."

"I'm sure there's more to it than that," Lena argued. "There must have been something else factoring into her decision."

"There might've been," he admitted, "But that's just one example of many, Lena. She...fiercely defended you time and time again, when no one else would've."

"That's just stupidity-"

"That's love," he argued back. "That's trust. That's faith. A belief that you can trust someone.. that you know their heart."

"And as much as I want to be angry, as much as I'm jealous of her right now?" James confessed. "Lena, I never would have seen the kind of amazing person you were. There is no way I could have come to love you in the way that I did, without her loving you first."

"It's just - she chose you, and I have a feeling that she will always choose you, Lena. So… no matter what happens. Whether you feel worthy of love or not, don’t you ever forget that. You earned her love every day, every moment that you two spent together. You are worthy of love, Lena. Don't let the darkness and the fear and the doubt inside of you win. Let love triumph.” By the time Lena looked up and turned towards the doorway, James was already gone.

So she just sat, staring into the night as she listened to the piano take up a soothing melodic line.

She began thinking about how screwed up everything had become.

Had James known Kara was in love with her, even before she did? And if so, did that mean that his reasons for telling Lena about the Kryptonite were self-serving?

Lena set the glass of scotch down on the floor beside her, and tried to push herself to her feet. She stumbled and fell right back down onto her backside.

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

“Computer,” Lena told her interface. “Locate Kara’s message.”

“Locating… File located.”

“Play it.”

Then surprisingly, without fanfare, the music cut off mid-note and Kara’s voice began to play through the speakers in Lena’s office.

“Uh...hey, Lena,” Despite the fact that she'd asked for the message to be played, Lena hadn't really been prepared to hear the sound of Kara's melodic voice playing through her speakers.

Her body's reaction was involuntary. Lena felt her heart skip a beat, then begin to beat faster and faster as the blonde's voice continued. The truth is, Lena hadn't realized how much she'd missed Kara's voice until now. “I – I hate to do one of those if you’re listening to the sound of my voice, then it means that something happened to me messages, but I… I thought that at the very least I needed to say a few things before surrendering to the great unknown. So...here it goes,” Kara began, before quickly gaining traction. “I know…" Kara breathed softly, "I know that things between us completely fell apart, and that I'm the one to blame for that. And I know that you probably see me in a whole new light now that you know the truth about who I am. Perhaps, you even feel a bit of hatred towards me for the things I’ve done, and I just - I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Lena. I know it doesn’t excuse anything. And I know that a simple apology is not going to magically fix everything that happened between us and make it all better. But it absolutely breaks my heart to think that I might leave this mess behind. I don't know what I'm hoping for. The fact is, I don't even know what my goal is, here, because I know that you can't give me the absolution that I think I'm needing. But I hope you also understand that I had to try to fix it. I just...I had to try, Lena. I can't bear the thought of leaving you behind with nothing."

"I know that it really sucks that I’m trying to get in the last word, when there’s no chance that you will ever be able to tell me what a fool I’ve been. But more than anything I wanted to make sure that you know… that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying to you about who I was. I’m sorry for what I asked James to do. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you – that I ever tried to imply that you were untrustworthy because of your name. Because that’s not… That’s not really how I feel at all. In fact, I trust you more than you could possibly realize," Kara paused, her voice heavy with emotion. "I know my actions as of late haven't exactly reflected that fact. And I wouldn't even blame you for doubting me or my sincerity. But I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that I...I trust you with my life, Lena. I always have, and I always will. I think that the best way that I can describe what happened is that I.... I had a crisis of conscience. I've been through a lot of trauma in my life. And I feel that those experiences conditioned me to react to things in the way I did. I wish I could explain it. I wish I could put it all in a way that made sense to you, but all I can really say is that I... I was scared. I was so scared. When I found out that you'd created Kryptonite - that you were holding Reign, I- I lost all sense of self. I let fear seep into every corner of my heart, and I let it ruin every single good thing that we built between us. The fact is, I let it take over me. And I wish more than anything that I could take it all back, but I can't. Please just know that I am so so sorry."

"And that brings me to the other thing. The Supergirl thing. Lena, I - I don’t want you to think that I kept my secret from you out of a lack of trust. I know that I don't have any right to ask you for anything after everything I've done lately. But I think that if I had one wish...one thing to ask of you, it would be that you believe me when I say that. Because it’s just the opposite. I trust you and Alex more than anyone else on this planet. I know. I know I should have told you the truth a long time ago, but I...I was selfish, Lena. And I’m not even going to try to lie about it. I'm also not going to insult your intelligence by trying to give this a more positive spin. I. Was. Selfish. I saw the value of what I had, and I didn’t want to give it up. I was afraid. I was a coward, and I made a deliberate choice to keep lying to you about who I was. Because I knew that if I ever told the truth, I would lose you in the same breath. Your mother said that if you ever found out the truth, that you would hate me in the way Lex hated Superman, and part of me was absolutely terrified that she was right.” Lena listened as Kara’s voice cut out for a moment. And for those seconds, Lena held her breath. “I know you’re probably going to think this analogy is stupid, but – you were my red sun, Lena. You were the one person who made me feel human, and free of the expectation that came with me being someone else. Everyone who knew me as Supergirl, couldn’t see me as anyone else but her. But most of the time? I was just as lost, and just as afraid as everyone else on this planet. I… I lost everything. And I’m not just talking in hyperbole. I literally lost everything. Even my mother, who I’m sure you remember meeting not too long ago, wasn't… well… she wasn't the woman I left behind when I was twelve.” Kara sighed. “When I got to Earth, it… it hurts me to say it, but I never really felt like I belonged. I tried… I wanted to, but it wasn’t home," Kara confessed. "The truth is, it wasn’t until I started to connect with people that I finally started to feel like I belonged. First, it was the Danvers. Then, it was this kid named Kenny. Then Winn, and James, and Cat, and...and you. But it wasn’t really until I met you that I felt...” Another heartrending pause. “Home. I felt home, Lena. Rao, this probably sounds so stupid to you, but I...I felt undeniably connected to you, in a way that I’ve never had with anyone else. You were more than a friend to me. You were family. No, that - that's not what I meant. What I mean to say is that you are, and will always be, family to me.” Lena had to choke back a sob as she realized that she felt the exact same way about Kara. "You may not want anything to do with me now. And I get that. I totally understand that after everything I've put you through. But it doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you, Lena. And even if you hate me after all of this, I will still love you."

“I still remember that first day in your office... when you asked me if I understood what it was like to want to make a name for myself outside of your family. And I remember how much I related to you in that moment. I understood everything you were trying to say, completely. The truth is, I saw a lot of myself in you. I recognized the pain that you carried around with you. I saw your hopes for the future. I saw your fears. But more importantly? I saw the amazing things you were trying to accomplish. I don’t even know when it is that I fell in love with you. It… It might’ve been that very first day, or it might’ve been that night you saved the city from the virus, or the day I saved you from crashing into the reservoir – or any day in-between. All I know is that I love you. As we prepare to go out to fight Reign, I can honestly say that I love you. I’m in love with you. And the feeling just kind of snuck up on me." There was a pause as Kara let out a heavy breath, before letting herself get caught up in a memory.

"I remember when I first realized it, though," Kara laughed. "God…it's kind of stupid how it happened, actually. But we were watching that movie together a few weeks ago, and you were a bit cold so you shimmied closer to me on the couch. I...I could tell that you were still cold, and so I threw the blanket over our legs. You smiled at me in appreciation, curled up against my side, dropped your head onto my shoulder, and I just... looked over at you, I looked over at you, and I knew. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew you were the one I was meant to love for the rest of my life. I, Kara Zor-El, was hopelessly in love with you, Lena. And the saddest part is... you didn’t even know my real name.” Kara let out a harsh breath, and Lena could hear from the sound of her breathing that Kara was crying. “I’m sorry,” Kara spoke after a moment, “I know that my thoughts are all over the place right now. And the fact is, I can’t even say good-bye properly, because I’m too busy crying. I... I’m sorry, Lena. What I’ve taken far too many words to say, is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I love you. I will always love you.” Lena couldn’t help but cry harder. “I know you don’t owe me anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I'm the one that owes you. But please… Please just do something for me? If… If I’m dead, or if I’m not able to come back and give you the love that you so very much deserve. Please… Please just try to be happy for me? Do as much good in the world that you possibly can! I-” There was another pause, as Kara was cut off by the commotion of someone talking in the background before she heard Kara say, "Already? Yeah, okay." Then, Kara's voice cut in properly, and said, "Sorry. I've just been told to wrap it up. Rao, I.... I hate everything about this...but it would seem that I'm out of time." Finally, Kara said the words that Lena was secretly dreading the most. “So I guess that all there really is that's left to say, is goodbye - Goodbye, Lena. I- I love you.” Then the message cut out, and silence took over the room.

“No,” Lena jumped up, suddenly a hell of a lot more sober than she’d been the minute before. “That can’t be it. There has to be more.”

“I’m afraid that’s the end of the recording,” a computerized voice spoke up.

“Then, save it,” Lena ordered, “Save the recording, and put it in my archives. If I lose it, I’m blaming you. It - It can’t ever be lost, do you understand?”

“Done.”

“Good. Then replay the message,” Lena ordered. The message started over from the beginning.

She listened to Kara’s recording about ten times, before she stopped tormenting herself with the sound of Kara’s voice. She still wasn't sure if Kara's last message was a curse, or a gift.

But at least it gave her something to live for.

Kara is still out there, Lena thought. She's out there, and she needs me to be strong. I have to do this. For her.

Chapter Text

(Top Secret DEO facility, Somewhere in the Canadian wilderness. North America, Earth-38)

Kara hardly stirred, listening in a sort of a daze as footsteps steadily approached her room from down the hall.

She was weak, and unbelievably tired. But she also felt restless – so incredibly restless that it was driving her a little insane. She wished she could sleep, but her thoughts refused to quiet (even after all of this time), and she couldn’t turn off her brain. Instead she felt herself focusing on all of her regrets, her feelings and anxieties. She can’t even remember the last time she’d slept.

Her first few days at the complex had been spent under a haze of sedatives, and medications, which made sleep easy. But once those had worn off, and Kara had refused any others, she found sleep elusive and impossible.

She’d merely laid there for hours and hours and hours, listening to the regular and evenly spaced tick, tick, tick, tick, of the clock down the hall.

Every so often, flashes of her fight with Reign would catch her unaware. Kara would feel her heart start to pound relentlessly in her chest. It would speed up, skip beats, and Kara would find herself unable to catch her breath. She would see glimpses of green, and red (my god, there was so much red). She would hear the dulcet tones of someone speaking to her, but would be unable to pick out individual words. Kara would shake. She’d feel her whole body tremble. And then she’d go numb. She would actually be paralyzed. She was helpless to get her limbs and muscles to follow her mind’s commands.

She knew what it was, but she was afraid to admit to it. She was too afraid to say the words out loud. She didn’t want to admit what she was seeing, what she was feeling. But the panic of it… the feeling of helplessness she experienced – and the fears that she was constantly under siege and was about to die, Kara knew what it meant. It was PTSD. She, a largely invincible Superhero who was supposed to be fearless, was suffering from PTSD. And Kara couldn’t make it stop.

Kara listlessly rolled over onto her back, sprawling out on the uncomfortable mattress in the room. Her arm flopped to the side in her efforts, and Kara just left it there, while her other hand came to a rest over her pained insides. Her stomach was sunken in and hollowed out, like some crater at the very center of her being. Kara pressed there. Unfortunately, even after all of this time, Kara wasn’t sure if pressing there with her hand made the pain worse, or made it better. She felt that pain all the way through her very being. It settled in her back, between her shoulder blades, and Kara let it.

Say you're there when I feel helpless
If that's true, why don't you help me?
It's my fault, I know I'm selfish
Stand alone, my soul is jealous
It wants love, but I reject it
Trade my joy for my protection

Slowly, almost lethargically, Kara moved her hand around, letting it follow her body’s curves with almost detached interest. Kara could feel the shallow grooves just beneath her skin. Those crests and shallow grooves she found, made up the bottom half of her rib-cage, and Kara ran the pads of her fingers side to side, sweeping back and forth in a soothing and an almost languorous manner. She ached. She ached everywhere. From her intercostals, to her abdominals, from her biceps, to her quads. Every muscle in her body hurt. They fought against any exertion, almost as if they were pleading for her to just be still and stop fighting. Kara probably would have listened, if not for the constant restlessness that she felt.

Kara groaned. She writhed as the ache between her shoulders became unbearable, and her back arched off of the bed.

She felt like she should be fighting this. After all, she couldn’t believe that she would be reduced to this – this pathetic, feeble human being. Wasn’t she supposed to be strong? Wasn’t she supposed to be invincible? Superhuman? If so, then how could she be this?

She couldn’t. It couldn’t be. If this was what it meant to be human, then Kara could safely say that she wanted no part in it. It was awful. It was torturous. And it made her feel weak.

Kara squeezed her eyes shut, and willed herself to be still. She held her breath for a long moment.

“Please,” Kara groaned, “Please just make it stop.”

Kara just laid there, for several long hours. Trying to focus on anything except for the pain.

Kara was despondent now that her sole reason for living was gone. She lay awake, staring at stains and spots on the ceiling. They were the only thing left over from when water had leaked through and dried during the spring thaw. It was cold in Kara’s room, colder than Kara ever remembered it being before. And Kara shivered. She shivered, though it was sporadic and did little to warm her. There was a blanket across the room, lying on an abandoned chair. Every so often, Kara would stare at it wistfully, almost as if she could will it to her side with her thoughts alone.

Or even better, she could get out of bed and walk over to it. She could drape it over her own shoulders, and huddle inside of it for warmth. But that would require effort - an effort that Kara was not willing to expend.

She had been left alone for most her time here, mainly because Kara demanded it.

A blue-skinned Dorian Doctor had come in hours ago, in order to check on her. He’d sensed her suffering, and had offered her pain medication, in an effort to ease that suffering. But Kara refused. She knew it was pointless. Sure, they could dose her to high heaven, they could try to drown out her pain with medication, but the sorrow and the suffering would still be there. There would be no drowning it out. Because it wasn’t the physical pain that was driving Kara mad. It was pain of an entirely different sort. It was emotional agony that was slowly driving Kara insane.

The pain of her injuries was nothing compared to the lack of food and water over the last week.

Kara has read a lot of literature in her lifetime, and she is still absolutely convinced that no one has come close to accurately describing the agony of starvation, and the sort of hollow pain associated with it. Until now, she’d been fortunate to always have enough to eat. Until now this agony has been a stranger to her. Because this? This was as close to hell as it got. This was agony in the worst way, and Kara wanted no part in it - ever again.

Once Kara had arrived on Earth and her powers had started manifesting themselves, she’d had to consume thousands of calories a day, in order to fuel them. Part of her is still unsure of how the Danvers had managed to afford to pay for her almost insatiable appetite for all of her years living with them. And, of course, now that she was on her own, it was one of the reasons why Kara would never really be able to put as much money into her savings as she might have liked. She’d made some deals with restaurants in National City over the past few years, to help ease the cost. But even so, it was a delicate balance. What she saved by not having to buy a car and gas, she more than exceeded with food expenditures.

Still, for the last couple of weeks, Kara hadn’t eaten.

Kara is still convinced she’d never suffered in such a way before. It was excruciating.

Kara continued to claw at the space where her stomach should be, as she became desperate to ease the pain. It felt as if there were actually a part of her missing, a hole boring all the way through to her back. She had a new appreciation for what it felt like to go to bed hungry, to wake up hungry. The thought that millions of children went through something similar on a daily basis, broke Kara’s heart. She vowed that she would do something about it. Should she survive this mess, she decided that she would donate every cent she could. She would do everything she could, so that no one else had to suffer in the way that she was suffering at that moment. With the combination of hunger combined with heartbreak, Kara had never felt anything so excruciating in her life.

She felt abandoned, and often had to remind herself that it was her own doing, or that it was fated all along. She felt alone. Kara was so alone, and weary, and defeated. It took all of her strength not to cry.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough

She doubted she could eat or drink anything at this point, even if it was offered to her. The nausea was a force to be reckoned with. Together, the smell of the bleach, and the pain, was enough to make her feel ill. There were moments Kara would close her eyes and start breathing through her mouth in a vain attempt to overcome it. Kara moaned, as she finally rolled over to gaze at the dark ceiling above. It was dark. It was always dark where she was, and so she lost track of time altogether. It felt like days had passed her by. It was all a blur, and Kara wished she could drift off peacefully. But even when she slept, there was no peace.

“Kara,” Kara's broken body jolted awake with a sudden start. All of the blonde’s muscles seemed to spasm at once. The voice Kara had heard the moment before had been loud, forceful, almost desperate and demanding. Kara’s eyes did not open, because even that required too much effort. So Kara just laid there, groaning loudly, as she drowned in the pain. 

“Kara, wake up. Come on! Open your eyes.” Kara refused. She was too exhausted. She couldn’t comply with the voice’s instructions, even if she had wanted to.

"Kara," Lena hardly breathed as she squeezed Kara’s hand, trying to get the blonde to respond to her in any way she knew how. 

Lena gasped sharply, sucking air deeply into her lungs as she realized that Kara’s hands were so cold already, so stiff. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying her best not to see the bruises that riddled nearly every inch of Kara’s skin.

She reached over for Kara’s side, starting to shake her in hopes she’d get a better response. 

“Kara,” Lena’s voice shook as she gritted her teeth together. She could not keep her hands from shaking. Her voice was raw as she spoke her next words. “Please. I-I need you. I need you so much. God I - I’m so scared. Please. Please don’t do this. I need to see your eyes. Damn it, Kara. Please. Wake up!" Kara’s eyes shot open then. Another groan seemed to fill the air, sounding as if it were coming from the depths of Kara’s being. It was filled with agony  

“Gah,” Kara grunted loudly. Her words sounded almost guttural as she had to force the air up and out. “Lena....” There was pain. So much pain she couldn’t stand it.

Kara rolled closer to her, almost as if she knew that Lena’s comforting touch was close by. 

Lena tried to aid her. 

In a heart stopping moment, Kara stopped, as Lena ran her hands over her body. Those typically strong steady hands trembled worse than ever before. She was seriously afraid of hurting her and causing Kara any more pain. Finally, she brushed her hands softly along the contours of Kara’s face, unable to keep herself from touching her. Lena’s touch was gentle, tender. Another groan of agony slipped through Kara’s lips. "Shh…I'm here," Lena whispered soothingly, doing her best to keep Kara calm and relaxed. "I'm right here, Darling. Just breathe."

“Lena?” Kara whispered, as she reached out to touch her, not noticing that her hands sank right into the figure. ”You came,” Kara murmured with a tinge of disbelief.

“Of course,” Lena’s voice was thick as she spoke. 

“Rao,” Kara groaned again. It seemed to be all that she was capable of. “It hurts… God it hurts."

"I know. I know. I’m so sorry, Darling," Lena brushed her forehead against Kara’s, trying to offer her some amount of comfort. “I wish… I wish I could do something to fix that, but I can’t.”

“Please just know that I’m here. I’m right here, and I’m not going to go anywhere,” Lena promised. Kara could barely even nod.

“Now, I need you to promise me something,” Lena begged her. Kara stared at her blankly, struggling to hold on.

“I need you to promise me that you’re not going to go anywhere,” Lena desperately pleaded, “Promise me you won’t leave me. Please… I can’t do this without you.” Lena’s wish was granted as Kara’s eyelids flickered open several times, as another groan fell from parted lips. 

“You want me to promise you that I won’t leave you,” Kara repeated.

“Yes,” Lena’s voice was intense.

“Rao,” Kara exhaled; her voice was instantly remorseful. “I - I can’t. I want to so badly, but I can’t.”

“What?” Lena seemed confused, affronted by Kara's response.

“Lena, I am so so sorry,” Kara said as tears began to fall, “But I can’t make you that promise. I can’t make you that promise, because I’ve already broken it. I-”

“Kara-”

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, Lena,” Kara told her brokenly.

Kara’s eyes were clouded, dazed. Lena looked deeply into Kara’s eyes, her heart aching in sorrow. On any given day, those bottomless blue eyes could take her breath away. Those eyes were what she clung to for hope. But today? Today they only caused her deep sorrow and regret. "Shh…Darling, I know," Lena’s voice was rough and broken. She, too, was overwhelmed by her grief and sorrow.

“I love you,” Kara spoke in a hoarse, hitching voice.

“I love you, too.” Kara was trying to be quiet, but could not stop her body’s quivering, or her own tears. It ripped Lena apart. Kara did not deserve this. No one did. She would never wish any of these things on her worst enemy, let alone her beloved. “Shh. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” Lena swallowed as she reached up to brush away her own traitorous tears.

“Lena,” Kara breathed, wrestling as she reached up to try and touch her. 

Kara was exhausting all of her remaining efforts just to reach up and touch a ghost that wasn’t even there. Kara let out a wail as her hand sunk through the air, and tumbled back to the bed next to her. Lena was gone. “I’m sorry,” Kara croaked. “Rao, I’m so sorry.”

Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

Kara did not move or flinch as the door was thrown open.

Kara squinted against the light. Her gaze flickering over to the door with almost detached interest, as several bodies filtered into the small room.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” J’onn spoke.

“And you’re in my room,” Kara breathed flatly, her voice sounding strangely detached from reality. “I thought I was very clear, when I told you that I didn’t want to see you,” Kara said coldly. Her voice sounded deadened and lifeless, as if the effort couldn’t be expended to give life to her words. So they hung in the air, seeming oppressive and suffocating.

“Yeah? Well, this might come as a bit of a surprise to you. But I no longer care what you want,” J’onn was right to phrase his words in such a way, because his words genuinely shocked her, and Kara sucked in a sharp breath.

“I’ve given you a week to get your head on straight, Kara,” J’onn spoke. “I thought I could trust you to look out for yourself. I thought I could trust you to look out for your own best interests, your own safety. But it’s become absolutely clear to me these last seven days, that you no longer care whether you live or die.”

“That’s not true,” Kara denied.

“No?” J’onn snapped. She could tell he was angry now. “You’ve refused medicine, food, water. You haven’t had a bite to eat in over seven days. You’re so weak that you can’t even get up to go to the bathroom. But it’s more than that! We just got your bloodwork back. Your body has started metabolizing itself in order to survive, Kara. Another week or two, and you could do permanent, irreversible damage to it.”

“Look, I get that you’re angry with me,” J’onn spoke. “I get that some choices were made without your consent that affected you deeply. I get that you’re hurting right now, and I know that you’re in pain. But I will not – I repeat, WILL NOT apologize for saving your life, Kara. The fact is, I can’t apologize for that. Because I… I love you. I love you like you are one of my own. And I could never let you die without a fight. I was trying to do the right thing for everyone involved, and I… I had to make a really tough call. You may not agree with it. Hell, make me the bad guy, hate me if you want to, but you’re… you’re alive now. You have people on this planet who love you, and care about you. And it would be awful of you to throw this second chance at life away...to give up on this life, when people are depending on you to fight for it!” J’onn was crying now. “You are… You are the strongest person that I have ever met, Kara. What – What happened to you was not fair. It was not just. But I also know that if anyone is strong enough to make it through this, it would be you.” J’onn pulled out an envelope. “I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to resort to this. I was hoping that it wouldn’t be needed, but I can tell you need something to fight for right now, and-” J’onn hesitated, setting the letter down on the bed next to Kara’s hand. “And I hope that this will serve that purpose,” he announced. “It’s… it’s from Lena.”

“J’onn-”

“The way I see it, you have two options,” J’onn spoke. “You can try and eat something, or-”

“I’ll try to eat something,” Kara cut him off. “But I should warn you. I’m nauseated, and in pain – and I don’t know how it’s going to go.”

“I can help with that,” Dr. Carter piped up. He looked happy to be needed, and he gave Kara a warm smile. “I can give you some medicine beforehand that I think will help you keep the food down.” And Kara nodded. “You don’t have to go crazy, either. Just a few bites to start and we’ll work our way up from there.”

“That sounds...” Kara swallowed, “That sounds good.”

“Good,” J’onn nodded, “That’s settled then.”

“J’onn-” Kara tried, but by the time she was able to push herself into a seated position and look after him, J’onn was already gone.

I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I'm trying to find a way to chill, I can't breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could-?

When Kara woke the next morning, all was quiet, save for the faint sound of the machines in her room. Only the faintest of sounds flooded in through the hall outside. She heard footsteps grow louder as someone walked towards her room, and then wane as they walked past it.

Kara rolled over with a faint moan, and opened her eyes. As she looked over towards the door, she could see a thin beam of light spilling in from the hallway, forming a very clear and distinct line on the floor, before growing wider further away from it.. The door was cracked open, but still shut so as to offer her some privacy. She felt as if she had some of her strength back already and could only surmise that the food she’d eaten had contributed to that fact. Still, her throat was dry as the desert and it took effort to swallow. She shifted on the mattress, grunting softly as her body still ached. She looked down at her own body, amazed she was pretty much unscathed, save for the few bruises still coloring her skin an eerie purple. She heard shuffling as someone reacted to the sound of her struggling with the blankets. She blinked as a silhouette came into focus and she waited for her pupils to adjust so she could figure out whom it was. She let out a sigh as J’onn appeared before her, rubbing the sleep from his own eyes.

“Hey,” he whispered softly. Kara’s eyes darted briefly over to where Kal slept in a chair near the door, and then back to the man she loved and trusted. She figured they hadn’t left her bedside.

“H-Hey,” Kara’s breath hitched, she didn’t really trust her own voice to bear the brunt of her emotions. Her throat hurt so much and she couldn’t seem to remedy the dryness in it. Her voice sounded as if it had been grated with sandpaper. He handed her a glass of water, and Kara took a greedy pull from it, guzzling most of it down, before her thirst was sated. He took the cup from her and set it on a nearby table.

“How are you feeling?” he asked quietly, as he perched himself on her bed. She sighed as he reached out and brushed the hair from her eyes.

“Tired,” Kara managed to choke out.

“I imagine so,” J’onn said with a knowing glint in his eyes.

“J’onn, I-” Kara began hesitantly, “I feel like I owe you an apology… Actually, no – scratch that. I know that I owe you an apology. I’m just – I am so sorry about earlier. What I did to you – the way I treated you, it was not… not fair. You wanna talk about things being unfair or unjust, well, the way I treated you was completely unfair, and I’m really really sorry.”

“Hey,” J’onn shook his head, “You don’t have to apologize. Look, I -”

“No,” Kara interrupted him, “No, I do! What I said to you was horrible. J’onn I basically blamed you for everything that was wrong in my life, when… I bear responsibility for it all. You’re like a father to me, and I never should have treated you the way I treated you this past week, whether I was hurt or upset, or not.”

“Kara,” J’onn smiled at her, “it’s okay. Look, I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I forgive you, and I understand why you felt the way you did. Please just know…. For better or worse, I’m here for you, okay? I promise, I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I know… I know that you probably wish that it were Lena that were here with you, or Alex, but… I’m afraid you’re going to have to settle for me in the interim.”

Kara laughed, “J’onn! What makes you think that I’d be settling? You’re like the best man that I’ve ever known. I love you so much. And I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that for a moment, because you are so so wonderful, and I’m extremely lucky to have you in my life.”

“I love you, too,” he told her as he pulled her in for a hug.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

J’onn’s own voice sounded strained as the man struggled to relate to her without getting overly emotional. “I just want you to know that I understand the pain that you’re in right now.” He swallowed before continuing. “And I…I know that it’s hard to accept it yourself, but I’m really glad that you’re okay.” He punctuated his statement with a comforting squeeze. “We’re gonna get through this, Kara. It may not be easy, but we’re going to get through this. I promise. And some day, when you and Lena are together, you’re going to look back on all of this pain, and see it as a stepping stone to something so much greater.”

“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you in my life, but thank you,” Kara said emotionally.

Then she seemed to realize something for the first time. “Wait a minute! Did you just say what I think you said? You think Lena and I are going to get together at some point?”

“Oh come on, Kara! You can’t really be that oblivious!” J’onn teased.

“Please,” Kara scoffed. “I mean, obviously I’m in love with her. But I think we all know that Lena is completely out of my league, and she always will be.”

“Oh, Cuz,” Kal piped up from the shadows. He was suddenly wide awake. “Please tell me you’re joking,” he groaned for dramatic emphasis.

“I’m not joking!” Kara sounded immensely frustrated. “She’s dating James.”

“She’s in love with you, you dork,” Kal said as he threw up his hands. “Did you not read the letter that J’onn gave you?”

“Of course I did!” Then she seemed to catch onto the implications of Kal’s statement. “Hold on a second! Did you read it?!” Kara looked genuinely affronted. She blushed a deep shade of scarlet as she recognized his deer in the headlights look all too well. She then promptly picked up the pillow from her bed, and hurled it at his head with all of the force that she could muster. “Get the hell out of my room, Kal! That letter was private!”

“For what it’s worth,” he said as he hovered in the door-way, “What she wrote was really sweet, and heart-felt. Hell, if I wasn’t with Lois, I’d consider-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Kara burst out. “I may be weak and infirm at the moment, but make no mistake, Kal – I will kill you if you dare to finish that thought.”

“Fine… Fine!” Kal groaned before he left the room. “I’ll be back later,” he hollered, and Kara laughed.

“Can I just say? You two have a very strange relationship,” J’onn commented a moment later, with a wry shake of his head. Kara just shook her head, and laughed right along with him.

I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

At first light the next morning, Kara abruptly woke. With a jolt, she sat up, her body transitioning from sleep to wakefulness rapidly in response to some sort of stimuli. A shiver ran up her spine as the blankets fell away from her torso and the cold air met her upper body. Over the course of the night, sweat had collected on her body as her body overcompensated, and became feverish. She ran a hand over her jaw as she yawned. She looked around anxiously, as she was still quite unfamiliar with her surroundings. Finally, after taking in her surroundings, her eyes finally met those of her cousin, who was standing close by. He was dressed in a heavy jacket and nice slacks, with a large bag slung over his shoulder. Kara’s brow furrowed as she took in Kal’s posture and the way he was dressed. His intent was obvious, but Kara wasn’t ready to be left alone just yet. Kara shifted, sitting up a little straighter as she swiveled so that her feet touched the floor and she was facing him.

“You’re leaving?” Kara asked as she hastily rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Kal said quietly, and almost sheepishly, “I… I don’t want to go, but I can’t afford to wait any longer. If I’m not back in Metropolis by 8 a.m., I’m going to have to answer a lot of questions, and I’ll most likely lose my job.” Kal swallowed. Then, he spoke, “I’m really sorry, Kara.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kara breathed almost gently, as she began to stretch out the incredibly stiff and sore muscles of her shoulders and lower back, before ultimately standing.

“Here.” Kara’s reflexes were tested as Kal picked up the bag at his feet and threw it towards Kara. Kara caught the bag Kal tossed towards her, and unzipped it. Her jaw fell open, as she saw all of her most precious possessions contained inside.

“Kal,” Kara couldn’t help but feel a little emotional, as she quickly sifted through the items and knick knacks inside.

“I uh… I know that it’s not everything you might have liked, but space was kind of limited. I just grabbed the things that I thought you’d want with you the most,” Kal explained.

“I can’t believe that you did this for me,” Kara spoke in a state of disbelief.

“Well, believe it,” he said, with a wry smile. “Us Supers have to look out for one another, you know.”

“Oh my Rao!” Kara said excitedly. “You brought my sweatshirt!”

“I did,” he nodded in confirmation. “It’s weird. I sensed it was important to you, but I...I didn’t really know why.”

“It’s uh… Okay, this is going to sound kind of embarrassing, but that sweatshirt is what Lena wears whenever she comes over, and wants to change into something more comfortable than her work clothes,” Kara explained with a healthy flush of embarrassment on her cheeks. “She gets cold and she always winds up borrowing something of mine to wear. Namely this sweatshirt.”

“Well,” he chuckled, “Then I’m especially happy I decided to bring it for you.”

“It still smells like her,” Kara couldn’t help but murmur in wonder, as she inhaled Lena’s scent from the fabric and closed her eyes. “Thank you for this.”

“Anytime,” Kal nodded, “I was happy to do it for you, Cousin.” They are interrupted as Kal’s phone started to go off, filling the room with Lois’s ringtone.

“I-” Kal began, but then hesitated.

“You have to go,” Kara reminded him.

“I have to go,” Kal-El confirmed. “Listen, I know these next months won’t be easy on you. You’re probably going to be faced with some of the darkest thoughts that one can face. But I also know that you’re strong enough to overcome it all. You’re the strongest person I know, Kara. So just… don’t forget that okay? Whatever choices you make from here on out are yours and yours alone.”

“The phone in there should be untraceable,” Kara felt herself nod once more, and then swallowed thickly at the implications of what having a phone meant. It meant that she had a lifeline to the outside world. Immediately she thought about calling Alex, Lena, and Winn. However, before she could even dwell on that thought for a single moment, Kal seemed to read her mind, or catch a look in her eyes because he quickly said, “I thought that you might have a couple calls that you’d like to make.” Kal took a breath. “You’re going to want to hear their voice more than anything in the world. But I should warn you, calling them will make things harder on you. Calling them will make it harder on all of you.” Kara’s stomach felt as if it were sinking.

“I…I just want them to know that I’m okay,” Kara suddenly looked visibly upset. “Surely, giving them some closure can’t be a bad thing, can it?”

“I – I don’t know,” Kal told her honestly, while shaking his head. “Look, I know that you really want to talk with her, but it’s risky. And ultimately, the sooner you get used to being alone, the better. You’re going to have to accept that you have to be separated.” Kal felt himself sigh, as he observed the look in Kara’s eyes, and saw the raw pain in them. “No one said this would be easy.”

“Right,” Kara choked out numbly. She could feel herself falling apart inside.

“Kara-”

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

“I need some air,” Kara informed him, with a hint of a bite to her words. Kal stepped back, as he felt Kara pushing him back and out of the way.

He could sense her anger. The way Kara’s shoulders were set as she pushed the door open, was a main giveaway as to her current mindset. Kal could practically feel the anger and frustration rolling off of Kara, in waves. By the time he turned to look after her, she was already gone. He couldn’t help but wince, as he heard another door slam in the distance.

He couldn’t imagine what it must be like to know that you have no one… to know that you have to sever the ties between you and everyone else in your life. It wasn’t something someone did willingly. Kal can only assume it would be less painful to rot away in prison, or take a bullet to the chest, than to go through what Kara has over the last few weeks. At least if she had been in prison, Kara would have been able to have visitation with those that she loved. Kara would have been able to see Alex and Winn. She might even have been able to visit with Lena. Kal could understand how lost she must feel. Everything in Kara’s entire life had been ripped away from her, and she couldn’t do anything about it. She hadn’t gotten to make any choices for herself. Instead, every choice had been made for her. Alex had decided to bring her back to life, because in her mind, it was the right thing to do. She hadn’t realized that she was forcing Kara to live a life full of regret and torment. She hadn’t realized that instead of making the situation better, she was making it worse.

Kal gave Kara a few minutes to calm down, and then headed for the main doors. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest, as she found Kara kicking trees and screaming out her anger. Kara stopped her tantrum as she felt her presence and sank down near where she stood, sitting down on a tree stump with her head in her hands.

It isn't in my blood
It isn't in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn't in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn't in my blood

“You’re angry,” Kal-El breathed as he sat down next to her. “I get that. The truth is, I…I can’t even imagine what it’s like, Kara, but you…you have to get through it somehow.”

“I didn’t want this,” Kara spoke as her face scrunched up. “I didn’t want any of it.”

“I know,” Kal replied, sitting down next to her. He squeezed her shoulder.

Kara swallowed, as her voice broke. “She thought she was helping. But what if all she did was make things worse? What if I’d rather be dead?”

“Hey,” Kal spoke emphatically. “Don’t let those thoughts in. I have to be able to trust you can take care of yourself, Kara. And I can’t do that when you’re saying stuff like that.” Kal took a deep breath. “You have to get through this. You have to make the most of what you have.”

“Why?” Kara asked into the chilly morning air. “What’s the point?”

“The point is,” Kal spoke slowly, “That even though they feel like they are a million miles away right now, you have a Mother, and a Sister who love you, and a whole gang at the DEO who feel the same way.” Kara nodded. “They might not have understood the kind of doubts and feelings that they would expose you to as a result of their actions, but their motives came from the right place. In this case, their heart and their head led them to take a specific course of action, in order to make sure you would be okay. They love you. They couldn’t just let you go without a fight.”

“I think I just feel so angry because they took away my choice. They didn’t let me decide what I wanted, Kal. They just… they just did it,” Kara huffed in frustration.

“Well,” Kal hedged, “In all fairness, you weren’t really in a place to make that decision. You were on the brink of death. Past the brink of death. It’s not like… it’s not like they could have asked you what you wanted.”

“I know that,” Kara groaned. “I mean, logically I know that. It just… This whole situation is-” Kara trailed off. She was having trouble picking out a word, but it didn’t seem to matter. Clark completely understood the sentiment.

“I’ll be okay,” Kara promised him. “I’m just going to need some time. It… It will get better with time, won’t it?”

“Yeah,” Clark agreed. “You know the saying. I think it’s something like, ‘Time heals all wounds.’”

“Right,” Kara laughed. “Man, I’m going to be so pissed if that’s all a lie.”

“I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will,” Clark assured her, “It will be okay, Kara.”

“Just do me a favor? Keep an eye on them for me?” Kara pleaded softly. “Make sure they are sought after.” Kal nodded.

“I will,” Kal promised.

“And Lena?”

“I’ll check on her every day. Hell, I’ll check in with her so often that she gets sick of seeing my ugly mug,” Clark joked. His chest puffed out a little in pride when he got a good boisterous laugh from his cousin.

“You should go,” Kara said as she looked over at him. “And… have a safe trip, alright?”

“Actually,” Kal spoke. “There’s one more thing I wanted to talk to you about before I go,” Kal told her as he dug something out of his bag. “We’ve all been trying to come up with ways to communicate while you’re away. As you know, Mars is millions of miles away from Earth, and so it’s very difficult for messages to get back and forth. NASA uses X-radio waves in order to communicate with their rovers on the Martian surface. So… Brainy and Winn came up with something similar – something that they think will work on radio waves.”

“Okay,” Kara nodded slowly. “I think I’m following. What is this innovative new device they’ve designed.”

“Actually,” Kal laughed, “It’s not so new.” Then. “It’s called a teletypewriter. And it dates back to the early days in communication and technology. But it’s compatible, because it uses Radio waves to communicate with other devices. It’s all very rudimentary, of course, but you almost have to go back to the basics for something like this. Anyway, a teletypewriter would allow you to communicate with us over large distances, so long as you have the appropriate settings. The only catch is... they are pretty uncommon nowadays. They became obsolete decades ago, and so they are almost impossible to find.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you’ll have to build it,” Kal told her. “I obtained all of the parts that you’ll need, and had J’onn put them in the trunk. These… These are the instructions, and the settings you’ll need to reach our teletype once it’s all assembled.”

“You’re serious?” Kara seemed flabbergasted.

“Well, it’s not like you’ll have cell reception,” he joked. “We needed to think outside of the box. I’m just happy that we finally found something that will work.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Kara admitted. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Kal nodded. “And hey, I’ll come visit you soon. It’ll be my first trip abroad. I’ll finally get to say I’ve stood on more than one planet.”

“That sounds good, Kal,” Kara said as she pulled him into a crushing embrace.

“I love you,” he told her.

“I love you, too,” Kara told him. “Have a safe trip.”

“You too,” Kal bid her. “Try not to let J’onn drive you up a wall.”

“He’s not so bad,” Kara laughed, her voice teasing.

“No, he’s really not,” Kal laughed back. “Once we got past the whole Kryptonite thing, he turned out to be a pretty cool guy. And, I mean, he cares about you, so he must not be all that bad.”

“You’re such a dork,” Kara tells him.

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’ve never tried to hide it,” Kal shot back. “And you’re an even bigger dork than I am, Kara Zor-El.”

That's it for now. Take a second to save a few words, if you have time to spare. Otherwise, thanks for reading! :)

Chapter Text

Gray November
I've been down since July
Motion capture
Put me in a bad light

Kara spent most of the next day preparing for the taxing move that she knew was fast approaching. She still had plenty of reservations about it, of course, but she was running out of excuses.

She was stable enough to be moved now, and that was one of the main reasons she hadn't already been spirited away. Sure, she was still weak by her usual standards, but there was no longer any danger of her succumbing to her injuries. There also seemed to be an urgency in getting her off of the planet as soon as possible. Kara understood that, too. After all, she didn't want to be the one responsible for anyone's demise. It's just... she wasn't ready. The fact is, there was no way she could ever be ready to leave the place that had become her home over the last fourteen years. She'd already lost her home once, and had adapted to the best of her ability - made another home in an unfamiliar planet, forged new connections, made new family. And now? Now she was about to lose everything all over again.

Kara was all too aware that there was no guarantee that she would step on Earth's surface, once she leaves it.

But she has no choice. Her path had been chosen for her. She has to live with it now.

She tried not to pay too much attention to the things that were being said about her. But she couldn’t help but hear the whispers. Her super-hearing was going in and out, ever since she'd come out of her coma. But occasionally, Kara would unintentionally catch bits of conversations being held behind closed doors. Often times, she’d catch her name being spoke, just enough to draw her concentration from what she was doing.

She fought it, of course. After all, Kara had never been one for eavesdropping. But even so, it was hard not to listen in.

Still, perhaps the most off-putting thing Kara had deal with, was the way she was being treated. People were already treating her as if she was a ticking time bomb ready to explode, and it was starting to get old. She could no longer ignore the way that many of the staff gave her a wide berth in the hallways, and spent most of their time in her close proximity shooting her sideways glances. 

Kara could swear that she was being regarded with pity.

For Kara, it felt like high school all over again – the looks, the whispers. She was suddenly an outcast, a pariah, and Kara didn’t understand why.

She didn’t like the way she was being treated, and because of that, she was beyond ready to just get the hell out of here. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad elsewhere.

Kara is just grateful that J’onn and Brainy didn’t look at her in that way - like she was a weapon of mass destruction. Because the truth of it is, she probably would have lost it if she didn't have them grounding her, and making her feel like everything would be okay. They still treated her exactly the same as before.

Of course, Kara had tried to take Brainy aside, and ask him questions about why everyone was treating her so strangely. In his own usual way, Brainy evaded her questions. He did his best to be pragmatic and informative, while somehow still finding a way to leave out the bits of information that Kara most desperately wanted.

When she pressed him about everyone's behavior, Querl tried to tell her that people were being overly dramatic. He did his best to reassure her that everything was fine. But Kara couldn’t help but feel that maybe she was being lied to. In fact, she would have bet money on it. There was most definitely something that he was keeping from her.

And that left Kara with few options. She knew that if she wanted answers to her questions, then she was going to have to get them for herself.

Which is exactly why Kara found herself ducked down behind the desk of the nurse’s station. Her heart was pounding, as her head quickly moved back and forth, scanning her surroundings. Much to her relief, everybody seemed to be absorbed in their own tasks. 

Kara let out a tremulous breath, and almost aborted her mission as one of the Doctor's started walking towards her. She tried desperately to make herself as small as possible - as if she could honestly shrink herself into a smaller space. Kara felt her muscles tense, as she fought her fight or flight instincts. She was rewarded when the Doctor's attention was pulled away by someone calling his name. He turned away, and Kara seized her chance.

While no one was looking, Kara pulled the file she knew to be hers. She quickly stuffed it under her sweatshirt, and crawled out from behind the desk. She quickly straightened, and dusted herself off. She took one last look around, in order to make sure she hadn't been noticed. And when she found the way to be clear, wandered down the hallway, clutching the thing to her chest. She walked a fair distance across the floor, before she was satisfied she'd put enough distance between her and the scene of the crime.

Kara glanced around, in order to make sure nobody was around, and then ducked into an empty, darkened room, shutting the door behind her with a soft click. She could tell instantly that the room was meant to be used as a patient’s room. After all, that much was made obvious to her by the empty bed in the middle of the room. The bedspread was folded pristinely, almost perfectly - its sheets and blankets tucked in just so, as if it was awaiting its next patient. Kara quickly walked around the bed, and sank down to the floor, with her back pressed against it, so that she was hidden. As it so happened, the bed was just high enough off of the ground, in order to conceal her body behind it. It was perfect, and Kara couldn't have asked for anything better.

Kara finally let out the breath she’d been holding, and quickly eased the file out from under her sweatshirt. Without any further preamble, Kara flipped it open the cover, and tucked it under.

One thing became glaringly obvious to her, as she finally dove into her medical file.

No. Things were most definitely not fine. She, was not fine. Not in the least.

And, Rao, what an idiot she’d been to think otherwise.

Kara’s hands shook as she flipped through page after page after page of her medical record. Her eyes flew over the black and white text on its pages, feverishly absorbing everything she read. She she took mental pictures of the diagrams inside with her eidetic memory.

She looked at so many images, x-rays, and summaries that it honestly made Kara’s head spin.

She almost couldn’t believe the number of injuries she’d sustained in the final battle, but had no choice but to accept it. After all, she had all of the evidence to the contrary right in front of her.

According to the file, she’d broken nearly every bone in her body in some capacity. Most of them were healed already, thankfully, due to the boost of the radioactive isotope. But she still had quite a way to go, before she was back to being 100%.

As she looked through the file, Kara found that the hardest thing for her to process, were the things that had been done to her while she was on the brink of death. She’d been in a coma, so she hadn’t been aware of it at the time, but they’d had to do some pretty horrific things in order to pull her back from the clutches of death. In fact, they had used some of the most invasive, and medically objectionable methods that Kara had ever heard of, in order to keep her alive.

With a pang, Kara realized that they had literally cracked open her chest in order to put her heart back together, so that it could beat again.

And as she read all about it, she couldn’t help but reach up and follow this new scar with her fingers. She'd noticed the scar, of course, but she hadn't known where it had come from. And now? Now she did. Kara let out a sharp breath, as she experienced the pain of it all over again.

Kara continued to read the item by item assessment, working her way through everything they’d done to her, while she’d been dead.

Kara suddenly found it hard to breathe, as she read all of the details. She swallowed over the sudden lump in her throat. She couldn't stop seeing flashes of everything happening, as if she'd witnessed it all. But she knew that that couldn't be possible. Could it?

While they fixed her heart, they had put her on bypass. Her blood had been pulled out of her body, oxygenated, and then pumped it back into her body by a machine.

By all accounts, she’d been dead on that table, and her heart had not been beating for longer than she cared to think about.

Kara forced herself to move on from that bit.

I mean, she’d already known she’d been dead. Hence, her trip to the Kryptonian afterlife. But now she knew the details – the how of it all. And that had only been the beginning. From the sound of it, she’d been through countless surgeries, both big and small, in an effort to stabilize her and put her broken pieces back together.

Kara shook her head, clearing her thoughts.

It was time to move on to the other stuff – to the things that occurred after she was brought back from the dead. It was time to focus on the things that were affecting her now.

She needed to know what was wrong with her, now – why her powers kept going in and out, and why she no longer felt at home in her own skin. Something had changed within her, and she needed to know what it was. Because the truth of it is, she didn’t want to feel like this anymore. She felt like a stranger in her own body, and Kara hated it.

It was hard to stomach.

Of course, she couldn’t quite make sense of all of it, but she was able to get the gist. Apparently, the short of it is that Kara had several radioactive hot-spots within her body. When J’onn had injected her with the radioactive isotope in order to save her, some of her organs had absorbed the radiation faster than others, and it was making her sick.

Her heart had somehow patched itself enough to carry on beating, but only enough to prolong her demise. But her heart hadn't been the only things to absorb the radiation. No. Some of the other organs that had sucked up the radiation like a sponge, had been her spleen, kidneys, and G.I. tract. They were now leaking radiation into the rest of her body.

The Doctors were now trying to counteract the radiation’s effects with all kinds of medications, but even so, the radiation was slowly bleeding out into all of her body’s physiological processes. It was causing significant damage on a cellular level that her Kryponian DNA was doing its damndest to fix. But even so, the healing wasn’t taking place, because the DNA itself had been damaged.

She now knew why her powers were going in and out.

The radioactive isotope had saved her. But now it was very much killing her. And it was doing so without mercy.

Based off of what she was seeing in the chart, Kara could tell that her bone marrow had been one of the main things that had been damaged so far. Her bone marrow was currently unable to produce vital blood cells, and Kara needed them, which indirectly explained why she was having to have so many transfusions. 

Kara swallowed, as she realized she finally had answers to some of her most pressing questions. However, those answers hardly made her feel any better about her circumstances. She’d always known knowledge could be a dangerous thing. And in this case, Kara couldn’t help but think that she might have been better off not knowing. She finally understood why J’onn hadn’t told her – why Brainy had evaded most of her questions. They were trying to protect her from the knowledge that she was on her way to sharing the fate of Overgirl from Earth-X. And not only that, but that Kara was on her way to going through hell. Because even though they were able to hold off the radiation sickness for now, there was no mistake. It was coming. And when it got here? Kara would be a volatile mess.

When she finished, Kara took a few minutes to just sit in the silence. She wishes she could say that she was processing. But the truth of it is, Kara was just numb. She knew what was coming, but she almost didn’t want to believe that any of it could be real.

After almost twenty minutes, Kara pushed herself up from the floor, swaying on her legs as she tried to steady herself against the bed.

Within minutes, the file was back in its rightful place, exactly where Kara had gotten it. And Kara did her absolutely best in order to make sure there was no indication it had ever been disturbed. She plucked up her bag, and walked straight out of the facility, ignoring every lingering look that was sent her way.

At least now she knew why they were looking at her that way. And frankly, now that she knew what she knew, she couldn’t even blame them for doing so. Because she's pretty sure that if she’d been in their position, she probably would have done the same thing – whether intentionally or inadvertently.

Kara let out a long breath, as she tossed her bag into the front seat of J’onn’s cruiser.

I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone
Trying to find the one where I went wrong
Writing letters
Addressed to the fire

She walked aimlessly through the woods on the edge of the facility, as the sun rapidly plummeted in the November sky, causing the light to quickly dwindle away. There was a faint tinge of red to the sky, as the sun sunk lower in the horizon. Kara watched her breath mist in front of her face as she stepped over a toppled tree in the middle of her pathway. She was struck by how quiet everything was out here. At most she could hear a few birds chirping in the distance, or an occasional snap of a tree branch as a squirrel went skittering by. But otherwise? Nothing. No car horns. No shouting. No heartbeats. No music. Just peaceful quiet. And Kara didn’t know how she was supposed to get used to such a thing. She knew, however, that this was her new reality.

She wishes she knew what to expect on Mars. Of course, J’onn had spent the last several days trying to reassure her that she’d love it there. He promised her that he would try and make her time there as enjoyable as possible. He’d even told her that he’d had a room set up just for her. But still, Kara felt unsure. After all, how on earth could she enjoy it now? Now that she knew what was coming for her – the kind of hell that was reserved just for her. She had no idea exactly how bad it was going to be. But if she had to guess, Kara would say things would get pretty bad.

And not only that, but everyone she loved – everyone that brought such joy to her life, would be so far away. One hundred and eleven million miles away to be exact.

Stars began to appear in the sky as Kara slowly ambled down the pathway. They were almost hard to spot, through the small breaks in the branches above, but Kara’s eyes searched for them. After all, somewhere up there, there was a small red dot in the sky – a tiny red speck, composed primarily of iron and other rock. And she would be going there.

Part of Kara wonders what the experience will be like – what it would be like to stand on the martian surface, and pick out a tiny blue speck in the night sky, one so small that one might not even know that seven billion people lived on it. Kara has to shake herself from the thought.

And I was catching my breath
Staring out an open window
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore

The blonde had to suppress a shiver. as a gust of icy air cut right through her thin frame. Almost instinctively, she quickly reached down to zip up her jacket. After all, she would do just about anything to stop feeling this bone-chilling cold. With a loud zip, Kara sealed away what little warmth remained inside. Kara let out an almost shuddering breath, as another violent shiver rolled up her spine. Another moment passed, and Kara was lifting her hands up to her mouth. She cupped them against her mouth and blew on them gently, desperately trying to breathe warmth back into the already icy flesh. It was a strange feeling, that, being cold. Kara was slowly trying to acquaint herself with the sensation. Never once had she seen the hair on her arms stand up just so, or feel shivers coursing up her spine. As a hero with powers, Kara had never had to worry about the cold. However, in her current state, with her powers fluctuating almost constantly. Kara had a lot of new things to get used to. And she wasn’t sure she liked them. In fact, she’s pretty sure she didn’t like them at all.

Kara let out a tremulous breath, and kept walking. She stuffed hands back into her pockets, burying them as far as they could go.

While she walked, Kara fiddled with the smooth surface of the small rectangle in her pocket, turning it over and over in her hand. Much as she wanted to, she couldn’t quite forget it was there. The phone seemed to weigh about a hundred pounds, in her hand. And it weighed on her mind like you would’t believe.

She’d spent most of the day waffling on whether or not she should call. And now, knowing what she knew, she was more inclined to throw it away and forget she’d even had it in the first place.

Kal had been right when he said that calling them wouldn’t exactly make this situation easier for any of them. But Kara was also sure that she would give just about anything to hear Alex’s or Lena’s voice again. Even if it was only for a few minutes.

Rao, what should she do?

Kara began to hum to herself quietly, as she continued weaving her way through the moss covered trees and thick ferns. She almost tripped as a thread of ivy almost seemed to wrap around her around her boot, and tangled there. Kara caught herself on the nearby tree and managed to tug her foot tree. She let out a weighted breath as she gave the vine a glare, and then continued on her way.

She continued on slowly towards where she detected a break in the trees, and was finally rewarded when she broke into a small clearing.

Hey December
Guess I'm feeling unmoored
Can't remember
What I used to fight for

Her feet came to an abrupt stop – her breath catching in her lungs as her eyes found sweet, perfect, serenity. Kara’s throat went dry, as she watched stars quickly fill the sky. She could hear a small stream flowing gently off to her right, and owls hooting somewhere off in the distance. Kara’s breath began to fog even more heavily in the air, as the temperature rapidly began to cool without the warmth of the sun to keep it warm. Kara found a nearby log and carefully lowered herself down onto its surface. Kara took a deep breath, as bands of green began to dance over the sky. Kara took a glance down at her watch and let out a shocked breath. Several hours had gone by already. She’d been out walking far longer than she thought. They were into the heart of the night now, and she was losing valuable time.

She and J’onn would be gone by morning.

Kara swallowed thickly over the sudden lump in her throat, and reluctantly pulled the phone from her pocket. If she wanted a chance of getting a hold of Alex or Lena, then the time was now.

Kara wished she could explain why, but all she could do for almost a full minute is just stare at the phone in her hand. She weighed her options, both the good and the bad, trying to figure out what the right decision was. But for the life of her, she just didn’t know.

“Kara?” J’onn’s presence was so unexpected, that the sudden sound of his voice echoing in the silence sent Kara tumbling off of the log with an undignified squeak of terror. J’onn, of course, saw all of this happening, and moved quickly to catch her, in order to make sure that she didn’t hurt herself.

Kare wasn’t proud of herself, but she could have sworn that an expletive had escaped her lips before she was able to calm her suddenly thundering heartbeat, and her racing thoughts.

“Sorry!” J’onn quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Kara. I was just making sure everything was okay with you. I noticed that you’d been gone longer than you expected.” Then. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Kara nodded. Though, she couldn’t help but feel as if she were lying to him. Especially now, because she knew what she was not supposed to know. “Yeah, I’m fine,” Kara responded, “I was just...thinking.”

“Anything I can help with?” J’onn asked, as he sat down next to her on the log, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as if to offer her some comfort.

“Jeez,” he breathed. “Kara, you’re freezing! We should really need to get you back to the warmth.”

“I know,” Kara agreed, “But there’s something that I…I feel like I need to do before we leave.”

“Rao, I-” Kara shook her head, as she turned the phone over and over in her hand. “I wish I knew what the right thing to do was, J’onn. I feel so selfish for wanting – for needing to hear their voice when I know it’s only gong to cause them immeasurable pain.”

“Who told you that?” J’onn questioned. “Because from where I sit? I think they need it just as much as you do. Sure, it’s going to hurt. But I fully believe that the good of doing so, will outweigh the bad in this situation.”

“Who is even to say that I’ll be able to get through, though?” Kara joked. “This thing might be a useless paperweight, for all that I know.”

“Well,” J’onn said as he bumped shoulders with Kara. “You know what they say. There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?”

Kara chuckled softly. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right about that,” Kara breathed. Then she said, “I think the saying is something like….If you never try, then you’ll never know.”

“I’ll give you some privacy,” J’onn said finally, as he stood up and took a long look at her. “I’ll be back to get you in a little while,” he announced. “Don’t forget. You need to get some sleep tonight, Kara. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us.”

“I know,” Kara nodded. Kara watched as J’onn straightented up, and made as if to fly.

“Hey, J’onn?” Kara called after him as he hovered off of the ground.

“Yeah, Kara?” he called back.

“Thank you,” Kara told him with tears in her eyes.

“Anytime,” he smiled, before he took off into the night, heading back towards where Kara had come from.

With almost trembling hands, Kara flipped open the phone in her hands, and powered it up. She waited anxiously as the device slowly came to life, with a small chime. A logo of the cell service provider flashed on the screen briefly, before it sent her to the back-screen. The screen was adorned with the time on it in big, bold numbers. Kara looked at the bars on the screen, trying to determine if she had enough service to make a call.

Kara swallowed, and started dialing the digits of a number that she knew by heart. Then, she took a calming breath and took the plunge, hitting the green call button. It took a few seconds for the device to start ringing. And Kara could almost swear that she held her breath as she waited. She counted the rings as she waited.

One. Two. Three.

Meanwhile, almost a thousand miles away, Lena stood huddled over an electron microscope, making notes in the notebook under her hand, as she carefully observed the changes she was seeing in her optical field. She was feverishly scribbling in her notebook – her eyes still occupied by the device in front of her, when she heard the buzzing of her cell phone going off across the room.

If it had been any other day, Lena probably would have stopped what she was doing, and would have rushed over to the device, for fear she was going to miss something important. But Lena had made it very clear to Jess that she was not to be bothered. And in Lena’s mind, nothing could be more important than what she was doing.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Brainy asked as he walked into the room.

“I don’t know. I guess it depends on who’s calling,” Lena inquired, still not taking her eyes off of what she was doing. “What’s the number?”

Brainy quickly read off the series of numbers to her – ones that she did not recognize in the least.

Unfortunately, for Kara, Lena had one rule she’d operated by for most of her life. And that was? If she didn’t know the number, then she didn’t answer. It was that simple.

So far, that practice has served her well. After all, it had dramatically cut down on the drama and frustration in her life. So Lena kept on with it.

“It’s probably nothing important,” Lena shook her head. “Just leave it.”

Kara felt her heart sink as the fourth ring came through. She heard a faint click as the call was quickly sent over to Lena’s voicemail.

Part of Kara didn’t know whether to be crushed or relieved. It was the best of both worlds. This way, she could hear Lena’s voice, and quell the burning pain in her chest, while at the same time, protect Lena from experiencing the pain of hearing her voice again – when it may be the last thing that Lena wanted.

Kara felt tears building in her eyes, as she heard Lena’s voice through the speaker. Kara squeezed her eyes shut as her eyes began to burn and her vision began to blur. Kara frantically but wordlessly wiped at her cheeks, as several drops seeped from the corner of her eyes, trailing soundlessly down her cheeks. Kara felt her chest ache as she listened to the perfect, melodic voice of the woman she loved.

“You’ve reached Lena Luthor. I’m sorry, but I’m not available right now. Please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m able.”

Needless to say, Kara hung up before she could actually be prompted to leave a message, and redialed the number. She called several times over several minutes, getting the same result each and every time.

I rewind the tape but all it does is pause
On the very moment all was lost
Sending signals
To be double crossed

“They’re calling again,” Querl announced, as he plucked the phone off of the lab table. “Are you sure you don’t want to answer?” He started walking towards her with the phone, but Lena was Lena. She was stubborn, and she’d already made up her mind. With a little shake of her head, she cut off his antics.

“Yes, I’m sure. Look, if they really need me, then they can leave a voicemail,” Lena said obdurately. “I’ll get back to them just as soon as I’m done doing what I’m doing. You, more than anyone, know that this is important.”

The truth is, she felt like she was onto something, and she didn’t want to lose any of her momentum.

“I do,” Brainy agreed, “And I very much look forward to reading your findings.” But then he hesitates and says, “But this person seems to be trying very hard to get a hold of you. Surely that must mean something.”

After listening to Lena’s message for the fifth time, Kara finally gave up all hope of talking to Lena in person.

‘Perhaps it’s better this way’ Kara couldn’t help but think.

Unfortunately, Kara lost track of time. And before she knew it, she heard the tell-tale beep of Lena’s voicemail, signaling that her end of the call was now being recorded. Kara realized then that she’d make a horrible mistake. Lena’s voicemail was currently recording the sound of her breathing. And now? Now, Kara felt like she had to say something. But god? What did she even say? What did she say when so many feelings were running through her heart and her mind?

She could have easily said a million different things. But instead, she whispers, “Rao, Lena, it is so good to hear your voice. I...I’m sorry for calling you so many times like this. But I - I miss you so much already, and I just... really needed to hear your voice.”

Kara let out a weak laugh of embarrassment as she found herself saying, ”Gosh, I...I don’t even know when it happened exactly, but I think at some point I grew addicted to the sound of your voice. The truth is, I honestly think I could listen to your outgoing message like a thousand times, but at some point it has to end. I promise this will be the last time I call – the last time I bother you.” Kara cut herself short, as she realized she was already rambling like a crazed, love-sick, lunatic, practically professing her undying love for Lena over the phone. She decided to finally check herself. “So you probably already know this by now – hell, you probably knew it after the very first word came out of my mouth - but it’s me, Kara.”  Kara revealed to her gently.

“I’m sorry for bothering you like this,” Kara quickly apologized, “And I…. I’ll try and keep things concise from here on out. I – I just... I wanted to let you know that I’m okay. In fact, I really need you to know that. Because I know you, and I know that you’re probably still tearing yourself apart over everything that happened. I know how keen you are to blame yourself when things go wrong. But I’ll reiterate again, that none of what happened is your fault, Lena. Please just take care of yourself for me. Okay? And I’ll try and be in touch just as soon as we get everything set up. It might be a little while, but I’ll try to be in touch as soon as I-”. Can. And just like that, Kara had reached the time limit and she was kicked from the call. Kara let out a harsh breath, and almost threw the phone away in frustration. But she managed to calm herself down before she made a horrible mistake.

And I was catching my breath
Barefoot in the wildest winter
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore
(Evermore)

Kara swallowed, closed her eyes, steeled herself for a moment, and then flipped the phone shut.

Kara took another deep breath, letting her head drop into her hands, as she tried to convince herself that maybe it was all better this way.

Perhaps it was better that she didn’t have any more chances to spill out her heart once again. She’d probably already embarrassed herself enough as it is.

Besides. What good was an I love you, when Lena already had all of the love she needed with James? What good was an I love you, when Lena could never possibly feel the same about Kara?

Sure, Lena might say it back. But the difference is that Lena only ever meant it in a friendly manner. It was often concealed in a, “You’re my favorite,” or, “You’re the best friend anyone could ask for.” It was never, in a, “I’m so in love with you,” or a, “I feel like I need you to breathe,” kind of way.

It was crushing to Kara’s spirit.

It took a few minutes, but Kara was able to steel herself again. She was preparing for a second phone call that she knew would be equally difficult. But she needed to hear Alex’s voice, too. She needed it more than she could have imagined.

Kara quickly straightened up and flipped the phone back open before dialing a second number - one she also knew by heart.

Kara held her breath as she listened to it ring. She couldn’t help but wonder, would Alex be unreachable, too? Or would she answer? Kara waited what seemed like an eternity as the phone rang once, twice, three times.

Kara was waiting for that inevitable fourth ring, and subsequent voicemail message, when Alex unexpectedly picked up.

“Hello?” Alex asked, with a hint of impatience in her voice. Kara knew that she was already fighting the urge to hang up on what the red-head believed to be a telemarketer.

“Hey,” Kara greeted lamely. Sure, it would have been cool if she could have come up with some cool response. But Kara would admit that she was feeling a bit unoriginal at the moment. Alex almost did a full double-take, immediately recognizing the voice coming through the phone. It didn’t even seem to matter that the sound was all of one syllable. Alex knew instantly that it was Kara. She would know Kara’s voice anywhere.

Alex dropped what she was doing immediately, afraid that she was imagining the whole thing.

Tears were already springing to the red head’s eyes, as Alex – with a voice sounding much like that of an uncertain child – says, “Kar?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Kara confirmed, as tears also filled her eyes. “Rao, it’s so good to hear your voice. I can’t even tell you how much I’ve been dying to hear your voice.”

“Oh my god,” Alex’s voice still held a hint of shock and disbelief to it, as tears continued to stream down her face. “I can’t believe it’s you.” Alex hastily wiped them away, with the flat of her hand. “I was so afraid that I’d never…” the rest of the words remained unspoken between them. But the words were almost unnecessary. Both of them knew exactly what Alex was going to say. In fact, they’d both felt those words since the moment they’d parted.

“I know,” Kara told her with a sniffle. “I know. Me too.”

“I’m so sorry,” Alex was sobbing now. “I know what I did was selfish, and I know you must hate me, Kara, but I couldn’t let you go. Not without a fight.”

“Alex,” Kara sighed as she shook her head, “Please, don’t be ridiculous. You have to know that I could never hate you. You’re my sister. And I love you. Nothing is ever going to change that. I will always love you no matter what.”

“But what we did to you-,” Alex recalled in a broken voice. “God…. You were so ready to go be with your family, but I wasn’t ready to let you go. I don’t think any of us were ready to let you go. Because you’re our family too, Kara.”

“I know,” Kara responded. “I understand why you did it. I – I’m not going to say that I wasn’t upset when I found out what you did, but I also can’t fault you for it. I think I’m just mad that it’s come to this…. That this is our new reality and I can’t do anything to fix it. But I don’t hate you, Alex. I don’t think I ever could.”

“J’onn said that you were having a really hard time with it,” Alex breathed, “He said that you were pushing him away – shutting him out, because you were so upset. And I just want you to know that I accept some of the blame, too. Because it… It was ultimately my call. I was the one who asked him to do it.”

Kara started to cry, as she said, “Look, I won’t say that the last few weeks have been easy, or that I never questioned why I had to go through all of it, but I… I’d be willing to go through it a thousand times over if it means that I can only just see you guys again.” Kara told her thickly. “I hope you know that.”

“I love you so much, Kar,” Alex said, as she wrapped her arms around herself in a pseudo embrace. She wished desperately that Kara could be there, to give her a much-needed hug. But she also knew that for now, this would have to do.

“I love you too, Alex,” Kara told her painfully, with a crack of her voice. “I love you so so much. I just want you to know that I’m okay.”

“Kara-” Alex lost all of the breath in her lungs as Kara’s words hit her.

Because in her heart of hearts, Alex knows that none of this is okay. After all, there’s a rather large chance that all of this – all of their struggles will be for nothing. Because even though the radiation sickness hadn’t started yet, they all knew it was coming. And if Lena and the boys couldn’t somehow find a way to save her, then Kara would most likely still die a horrible and painful death.

“I guess what I mean to say is that I’m okay for now,” Kara corrected herself. In that same moment, she also revealed herself to Alex.

“Wait. You know?” Alex whispered, almost in shock.

“Yeah,” Kara admits in a low, roughened voice. “Yeah, I found out a little bit ago.”

“Kar, I just want you to know,” Alex began, “We’re going to do everything….and I mean we are literally going to do everything in our power to make sure you make it through this in one piece. Okay? Because I – I fully intend on having you back in my life again. We all do.”

“Alex,” Kara breathed softly, almost afraid to interrupt her. But it didn’t seem to matter, Alex would not be distracted.

“And just so you know. Once I lay eyes on you again? I am going to give you the biggest, longest, most ridiculous hug that I have ever given you. So you need to be prepared.” Kara couldn’t seem to stop the wet laugh from escaping her, as she realized just how much she yearned for such a thing. The truth is, if Kara ever made it back to Alex and Lena again. She was pretty sure that she was going to hold onto them, and never let them go again.

“I will,” Kara promised. “I’ll be prepared.”

“Good,” Alex smiled for the first time since this conversation began. She kept imagining what it would feel like to have Kara back again.

A moment of silence built over the line, before something occurred to Alex for the first time.

“Hey, so have you talked to Lena?” Alex questioned, as she composed herself in her office, wiping away all evidence of her tears.

“No,” Kara answered wearily, “I umm… I tried calling her a few times, but it went to voicemail every time I called.” She took a deep breath, before she said. “I’m kind of assuming that maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me right now, so I just left a message for her just in case she wants to listen to it later.”

“What?” Alex seemed to come to life upon hearing Kara’s answer.

Alex was instantly thinking about one thing and one thing only. She knew Lena would be devastated she’d missed Kara’s call. She also knew that Lena would never forgive herself if she squandered the chance to speak to Kara again.

“It might be for the best, honestly,” Kara explained, as she stood up and began pacing. “She probably doesn’t want to talk to me right now. And the truth is, I can’t even blame her. I’m pretty sure I’d hate me too, after everything I’ve put her through.”

“What are you talking about?” Alex couldn’t help but ask in an exaggerated groan, as she quickly went rushing for the door. “Come on, Kara. Don’t be ridiculous,” Alex told her in frustration, “God... you must be daft. You know I love you both, but the two of you have to be the most oblivious idiots I’ve ever-”.

“Hold on!” Kara quickly cut her off with a whine of protest, “Did you seriously just call me an idiot?”

“Yes!” Alex shouted back, unabashedly. “Seriously! You guys are the smartest people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. And yet, you’re the dumbest people I know when it comes to matters like this! Tell me something, Kara! How on god’s green Earth do you not know how much Lena cares about you by now? After everything the two of you have been through together?” Alex questioned her. “For God’s sake, you’d have to be utterly and completely blind… not to mention, missing half of your brain, in order to miss the way she feels about you. I’ve tried to be patient with you – tried to be patient with you both. But at some point, it’s just become too much. I’m sorry, but I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. If I have to put up with this for another three years, it’s going to fucking kill me. So yeah, I just called you an idiot. And if that’s what it takes for you to finally get a clue, then in my mind it’s more than worth it.”

And Kara has to give it to her, because Alex has successfully rendered her completely speechless.

“She probably missed your call because she was in the middle of trying to figure out how to fix you!” Alex explained, this time much more calmly, “Seriously, you have no idea how much she-” Alex has to force herself to stop talking, when she realizes how wrong it would be of her to put words in Lena’s mouth.

Kara looked up as J’onn touched down right beside her.

He’d clearly come to fetch her and take her back to the DEO facility.

“I understand,” Kara agreed, “Unfortunately, I’ve run out of time. J’onn and I are getting ready to leave.”

“What?! No!” Alex shouted, as she tore through the corridor, sprinting towards the stairwell. “You can’t go yet! Do you hear me? Just hold on! I’m on my way. I’m on my way to her now.” She sounded out of breath as she said, “Please, Kara. You don’t know what it will do to her if she finds out she missed the chance to speak with you. Just….hang on for a minute. I’ll get her for you. Just please...please wait.”

“Okay,” Kara reluctantly agreed, still not wholly sure she was prepared to talk to Lena.

Kara could hear Alex running frantically as the red-head burst into the stairwell and quickly took the steps two at a time. She went up three landings before she used her body to slam open the door and burst out onto the research floor. Kara could hear her sister’s feet clapping against the floor as Alex took off down the hallway.

She also heard Alex occasionally shouting at people to move this way or that way, in order to clear a path for her.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Kara found herself admitting for the first time. “Rao, I just know I’m gonna lose it, and spend the whole time crying like a baby. And, gosh, I don’t even know what to say. What do I even say?”

“Kara,” Alex can’t help but tell her with a hint of levity in her voice, “Just follow your heart, okay? And maybe just start with a simple hello? That shit usually works in my experience.” This earned a full bodied laugh from Kara.

“Gosh, you’re an ass,” Kara shot back.

“Hey, I may be an ass,” Alex told her, “But I’m also your big sister. So if you're smart, you'll listen to what I have to say. And I’m telling you that it doesn’t matter. You could say anything, and I'm pretty sure it will still mean the world to Lena. Just... don’t upset her. Okay? Cause I’m not gonna lie, she’s kind of in a fragile state right now – sorta like you are.”

“Kara,” J’onn’s voice pulled her attention from her phone for just a moment.

“She’s getting Lena,” Kara told him, and he quickly silenced himself with a nod.

Kara flinched, as the loud sound of a final door banging open met her ears. It knocked loudly against the wall, before rebounding and slamming itself shut again.

Kara heard a loud exclamation, as Alex startled whoever it was that was inside.

“Jesus, Alex! What in the hell are you doing?” Lena asked Alex with a hiss of a reprimand. “Are you trying to give me a freaking heart attack?”

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t have had to resort to this craziness, if you had just picked up your phone when someone called you!” Kara heard Alex tease back. Kara vaguely heard more speaking in the background. “Didn’t you hear it going off?”

“Yeah,” Lena shot back, “Well I was kind of in the middle of something. Why does it matter?”

“Alex?” Kara still couldn’t tell what was going on, on the other end of the phone. She heard murmuring in the background, but none of it was really clear enough to be made out with her less sensitive hearing.

“Just a sec, Kar,” Alex told her. To which, Kara just nodded. She then realized just how ridiculous it all was. After all, Alex couldn’t even see her acknowledgement of the request.

“Wait a second. Did you just say what I think you said?” Kara finally heard the soft, melodic voice close enough to know who it was. “Oh my god. Are you….are you talking to her right now?"

“Yeah, and you could be too, if you had only bothered to pick up your damned phone,” Alex shot back. “You’re welcome, by the way! I ran across two entire floors, and up like three flights of stairs, in order to bring this to you.”

"Is she really on the other end?" Lena asked, still stuck in a state of disbelief.

"Lena-" Alex almost groaned.

“You’re joking,” Lena almost couldn’t believe it. Tears sprang to her eyes as she felt herself latch onto the possibility that Kara was actually on the other end of the phone. “Surely you must be messing with me.”

“I’m not messing with you,” Alex promised her. “Come on, Lena. You know I would never do that to you.” A beat of silence passed before Alex said, “Now do you want to speak to her or not? Cause she’s kind of in a hurry. We were her last phone calls before leaving.”

“Leaving?” Lena repeated. “You mean they haven’t gone yet?”

“Not yet,” Alex confirmed, “But they’re about to.” Then, “Now, what do you say? Do you want to talk to her, or not?”

“Alex?” Lena sounded vulnerable – almost childlike, as she took a step closer.

“It's okay. Go on. Take it,” Alex ordered her gently, as she slowly held it out for her to take. And that was what sent Lena off the cliff. Tears were already streaming down her face, as she carefully took the phone from Alex’s grasp. Her hands were shaking as she slowly lifted the phone to her ear. The thought that she was about to hear Kara’s voice again struck Lena with a deep sense of longing. She’d been dying for this moment for so long….weeks to be exact.

“K-Kara?” Lena wasn't proud of the way her voice shook almost violently under the blonde’s name.

“Hey,” Kara breathed quietly. This quickly earned a sob from Lena, who was overcome by the sound of the blonde's voice.

“Oh god,” Lena breathed. “It's you. It’s really you. I know it probably sounds stupid. But I didn't believe that it could actually be you.”

“Well, I hope that you’re not too disappointed it is me,” Kara joked. But she, too, was dramatically affected by the sound of Lena's voice.

“God no!” Lena burst out, as she hastily wiped away the tears. “Oh, god, I - I’ve missed you. I've missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” Kara told her earnestly, hoping that Lena could tell just how much she meant it.

“How are you?” Lena finally asked the question that she most wanted to know.

“I’m okay,” Kara assured her, as convincingly as she could.

“Truly?” Lena asked her in a soft, worried voice. It sounded as if Lena didn’t quite believe her.

“Truly,” Kara confirmed. “But I’m not exactly worried about myself right now. I’m worried about you. How are you doing, Zhao?”

“Gosh, I... I know you probably want an answer to that question,” Lena responded. “But the truth is, I’m not sure I know the answer to that one,” Lena admitted, “All I know is that I’m existing."

"I know the feeling," Kara agreed.

“I’m busier than I’ve ever been," Lena told her, "but I can’t…. I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened. I can't stop thinking about you. About us.”

“Lena-” Kara can’t help but sigh. She knows that Lena is currently beating herself up, and she also knows she can’t stop it.

“I’m sorry,” Lena told her in a thick voice, “Kara, I am so so sorry.”

Kara opened her mouth to speak, but Lena headed her off. “And before you try and tell me that I have nothing to be sorry for, you’re wrong. I hurt you. I know I hurt you.”

“But you didn’t mean to,” Kara couldn’t help but argue. “It was an accident. You were just doing your best under the circumstances. Sure, I could try and blame you for it, but that would be stupid. Nothing you did was out of malice, Lena. You weren’t trying to hurt me, it’s just that sometimes... things happen that are out of our control. And like I said...what happened between Reign and I was always going to happen.”

“Kara-”

“Hey, if you truly need my forgiveness, then you should know that you already have it,” Kara told her honestly. “But, please. You have to let this go. I need to know that you’re okay.”

“I don’t know how,” Lena admitted. “But I’ll try, okay? I’ll try to do that for you.”

Can't not think of all the cost
And all the things that will be lost
Oh, can we just get a pause?
To be certain we'll be tall again
Whether weather be the frost
Or the violence of the dog days
I'm on waves, out being tossed
Is there a line that I could just go cross?

“Thank you,” Kara told her emotionally, her voice thick with tears. Kara couldn't really keep the emotions out of her voice as she said, “You know, I’m pretty sure that if anyone needs to apologize, it’s me.”

“No,” Lena shook her head, “No. We both did things that hurt eachother, Kara.”

“Exactly,” Kara told her, “I know that I hurt you, too. And I am so sorry for that. I- I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could go back and fix everything, Lena, but I can’t. And as much it stinks, we have to live with the way things are now. I’m just... I’m really sorry for pulling you into this mess.”

“It is a bit of a mess, isn’t it?” Lena joked. “But you and I have gotten out of worse scrapes before.”

“Rao, part of me is honestly convinced that you would have been better off without me in your life,” Kara admitted as she let the doubt creep in.

After all, wouldn’t Lena have been better off without Kara in her life?

“No,” Lena said as anger swelled up inside of her at Kara's words. “No, don’t you dare say that, Kara.” Lena had to take a deep calming breath before she could continue. But when she did, she knew exactly what she had to say, “Look, I’m not going to lie. It’s taken me a lot of soul-searching over the last few weeks, but I think I finally understand why you kept your secret. I also know that you did it to protect me.” She finished with the words that Kara most needed to hear, “I want you to know, I forgive you. I forgive you for everything.”

Then, she continued, “I'm uh... I’m still trying to make my peace with everything that happened between us in the last few months. Because the truth is, it was all too easy for me to just cut you out of my life when I thought you were Supergirl, but it’s not so easy now that I know the truth of it – that it was you the whole time,” Lena revealed. "It's just...I'm processing. And it's going to take time. But I in no way want to lose you, Kara. You mean so much to me."

“Please,” Kara’s voice was thick with emotion as she began, “You have to know. I never meant to hurt you – to betray you like that, Lena. Because I trust you… I really do. It was just a moment of self-doubt. I was scared and I made a horrible, horrible mistake - one that I would do anything to go back and fix. But I also know that I can’t - and I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”

“No,” Lena’s voice was suddenly tight, as the word seemed to tear itself from her throat without her blessing. “No,” she said again, this time the word was a little softer. “Shit…I - I thought that this could wait until later - that it could wait until we see each other again, but now I think it’s fairly obvious that I can’t afford to let this just lie.” Lena cleared her voice. “I want to be very clear about one thing, Kara. Okay?” Lena told her firmly. “I don’t hate you. The truth is, I don’t think I could ever hate you.”

She took a moment to steel herself before she was able to continue. “Sure, you may have hurt me, but I also know that you were trying your best to fix it, while I was stubbornly trying to keep you at a distance.” Lena paused for a moment, as she gathered her thoughts, “You forget. I’ve had plenty of time to think about all of this. I listened to your message, I processed everything that you said, and I believe you when you say that it was a crisis of conscience - a moment of self doubt that caused you to make the mistake. Because I’ve been there too. I made mistakes, too.” Then, “I let my emotions run away with me, Kara. And I let my pride make everything so much worse between us, when I could have fixed a lot of it just by extending a hand towards you.” Lena took a quavering breath. “I….I know you’re sorry. And I just want you to know, I’m extending my hand to you now. What I mean to say is… There’s still a lot to be said. There’s still a lot of work for us to do in order to fix our relationship. But I’m fully prepared to put the work in, and I know you are too. We’ll fix it when you get back, okay?”

And when I was shipwrecked (can't think of all the cost)
I thought of you (all the things that will be lost now)
In the cracks of light (can we just get a pause?)
I dreamed of you (to be certain we'll be tall again)
(If you think of all the costs)
It was real enough (whether weather be the frost)
To get me through (the violence of the dog days)
(Out on waves being tossed)
But I swear (is there a line that we could just go cross?)
You were there

“Okay,” Kara told her thickly, still working through everything Lena had just said. But the main thing she was feeling was relief. The truth is, she was just so grateful that Lena was willing to move forward towards reconciliation. Kara didn’t know what she would do if Lena didn’t want to be in her life anymore.

Silence built between them both for a long moment, as they both struggled with what to say.

Kara, as it so happens, was the first to find her words.

“So Alex tells me that you guys are working on a way to bring me home,” Kara mentioned almost conversationally. “I have to say... It’s kind of a relief to know I’m in such good hands.”

“Well, I’m not so sure about that,” Lena laughed.

“Lena,” Kara shook her head, "Stop that. You 're like....literally the smartest person on the planet. I have every confidence that you'll figure it out."

“Sorry,” Lena replied all too quickly, “Sorry. That’s just some of my frustrations coming through. But yes, we’re working on a way to make it safe for you to come home. And you should know by now, that once I set my mind to something, I’m not going to give up until I achieve it. I’m going to fix this, Kara. I promise you.”

“That’s kind of what I’m counting on,” Kara teased. "I know you'll come through."

“I – I know you really have to go, but I need you to promise me something before I do, okay?” Lena pleaded.

“Of course,” Kara replied wholeheartedly, “Anything.”

“I need you to promise me that you’re going to hang on for as long as you can.” Lena couldn’t stop the tears as she acknowledged the truth, “I’m not going to lie to you, Kara. Things… things could get bad. Really bad. I just need to know that you’re willing to fight for it. Please. I need to know that all of my hard work on this won’t be for naught.”

“It won’t,” Kara found herself promising. “And I will. I’ll fight it for as long as I can. I promise. I’ll do it, for you – for all of you.”

“Thank you,” Lena told her with a relieved, but almost broken voice.

“Kara?” J’onn’s voice broke Kara from her trance. “Look, I know that this is the last thing you want to hear right now, but we’ve really got to go.”

“Lena, I-” Kara began, but Lena spared Kara the pretense.

“I know. I heard him,” Lena told her. “God… I don’t want to let you go.”

“Rao, I don’t either,” Kara told her as her tears began again in earnest. “Damn, this is so hard. I just… I wish we had more time.”

“Me too,” Lena murmured in agreement. Her voice was undeniably sad and morose at the idea she already had to say goodbye.

“But we really do have to go,” Kara finished, “And I’m sure you’ve got work to get back to.”

“I do,” Lena admitted.

“I uh…. I promise I’ll be in touch with you once we get everything set up,” Kara told her. “There won’t be audio, but we can still communicate.”

“Yeah,” Lena nodded, “Brainy explained it all to me. It sounds like they’ll be sending medical updates through it as well, so that we can keep track of how you’re doing, and tailor our work to it.” Lena took a deep breath.

“Just try and be patient with me,” Kara requested of her, “I haven’t dabbled in that kind of stuff in a while, so it may take me a little bit to get it all set up.”

“Just take it one step at a time,” Lena told her. “You just focus on getting to Mars safely, and then you can worry about the other stuff."

“Of course,” Kara promised.

“Please take care of yourself, Lena,” Kara pleaded. “I’ll be worried about you.”

“I’m in good hands,” Lena told her. “You know? You were right about one thing, Alex is a pretty good sister.”

“Hah! I told you! I told you she was,” Kara said with a hint of self-assuredness. “Is she still there?”

“Yes” Lena swallowed, “Yes, she is. Would you like to talk to her?”

“No, just-” Kara started to panic now. She was afraid she was about to lose Lena again.

“Pass along my love? To her and the rest of the crew?” Kara pleaded.

“Of course,” Lena promised.

“And Lena?” Kara’s voice inflected slightly on her name.

“Yes?” Lena questioned.

“Take some of that love for yourself," Kara gently requested, "Because I love you, too.”

“Thank you. I - I love you, too,” Lena told her with tears building in her eyes. She was on the verge of crying all over again. “You have no idea how much.”

“Actually, I think I might have a clue as to how much,” Kara joked. “If it’s in any way close to the amount that I love you, then I think I know.”

“God… listen to us,” Lena laughed wetly, as tears spilled over and streaked down her face, “We’ve gone soft.”

“It’s your fault, you know?” Kara teased, “You’ve made me soft, Lena, and I'm supposed to be the girl of steel.”

“Hopefully, that’s a good thing?”

“The best thing,” Kara confirmed. She paused to take in the way J’onn was looking at her. “Okay, so J’onn is looking at me like he might kill me if he has to listen to any more of this.”

“I know,” Lena laughed, “Because I’m pretty sure that Alex is looking at me in much the same way. I think it’s time for us to go.”

And I was catching my breath
Floors of a cabin creaking under my step
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
This pain wouldn't be for
Evermore
Evermore (evermore)
Evermore
This pain wouldn't be for evermore (evermore)
Evermore

“Okay,” Kara swallowed, feeling the dread fill her stomach rapidly, making her feel as if her heart were being crushed by the weight of it. She didn’t want to go, not in the least.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” Lena told her one last time. “And just remember, you are very, very loved. By all of us here at the DEO.”

“I love you guys, too,” Kara told her thickly. “Bye, Lee.”

“Bye, Darling,” Lena rasped through her own tears.

Those were the last words that reverberated through the earpiece, before the phone snapped shut in Kara’s hand, severing the link between them.

Kara swayed on her feet, as all of her emotions hit her at once. She would have collapsed, if J’onn hadn’t been there to pull her into his arms.

Kara was not proud of the way she buried her face into his shoulder and cried. But at this point, it almost couldn’t be helped. Kara felt like someone had ripped out her heart from her chest, and had then had torn it to shreds before her very eyes. Kara was shattered.

Kal was right. As nice as the call was, it still absolutely destroyed her. Because she went from feeling like Lena and Alex were finally within reach, to feeling a million miles away from them again.

“Shh... It’s okay, Kara,” J’onn soothed. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Chapter Text

Some people long for a life
That is simple and planned, tied with a ribbon
Some people won't sail the sea,
'Cause they're safer on land
To follow what's written but I'd
Follow you to the great unknown
Off to a world we call our own

By the time that she and J’onn actually climbed into his 1952 deluxe convertible, Kara was so worn out from everything that she was fighting sleep.

“Are you ready?” J’onn asked her quietly, as he turned over the key and the engine cranked over, coming to life with a nice rich purr.

Kara took the opportunity to take a quick look around, and felt her throat getting tighter and tighter by the second as she realized that this could be the last time she ever set foot on Earth much less saw it.

“Yeah,” Kara’s voice cracked traitorously as she fought back the tears. “Yeah,” she repeated through a faint sniffle, as she resigned herself to her current fate.

The world around Kara began to blur as her eyes filled with tears. Tears had yet to spill over her cheeks, but she was close to outright crying now. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” she told him weakly, her voice raspy with her emotions. “Let’s go,” she told him with a sense of finality.

J’onn seemed to read every emotion that was coursing through her, because he reached over to give her hand a comforting and reassuring squeeze.

“This isn’t forever, Kara,” he told her, seemingly having more faith than she did that they would return some day. Kara almost wishes she shared his confidence, but she knows she’d be lying if she said that she did. Especially after reading her file, she realized that anything could happen. The truth was, she was already very ill and anything was possible. She’d promised Lena she would hang on for as long as she could. But she also knew that that would only go so far. Eventually, the radiation in her body would kill her if they couldn’t eradicate it from her body. And all the strength in the world wouldn’t really make a difference.

“It isn’t. We’ll be back. I promise you,” he promised her, as they left the ground and soared into the air. Kara just gave a silent nod, but her thoughts were already a million miles away. It was then that she turned on the radio, not wanting to hear any more reassurances of something that she feared couldn’t be possible. She almost laughed as she heard the music coming through the speakers. She instantly turned her head to J’onn while wiping away her tears.

“What?” he asked her innocently. But she knew that he knew exactly what he’d done.

“J’onn, did you seriously make a musical show-tunes mixed tape for me?” Kara asked. “Rao, you have to be the sweetest space Dad ever.”

“What!” he said, trying to ignore how much Kara’s words meant to him. “I just… Look, I told you that I wanted to try and make this trip a pleasant experience for you, and I know how much you love musicals. I want you to be happy, Kara.”

“J’onn,” Kara’s voice was thick as she listened to the lyrics of tightrope play through the speakers as they shot across the starry night sky. In the east, the sky was already brightening substantially as the sun prepared to make its appearance over the horizon. “You’re gonna make me cry again.”

Kara listened to the music for a few moments, before she began to hum along.

Soon enough, she was singing along to the words in a gentle, soft, musical voice, “Hand in my hand, and we promise to never let go. We're walking the tightrope.” She felt a smile tug on her lips as J’onn began to sing along with her, despite not knowing all of the words. Together, they sang, “High in the sky we can see the whole world down below. We're walking the tightrope.”

“Never sure, never know how far we could fall,” they continued, “But it's all an adventure that comes with a breathtaking view. Walking a tightrope with you.” After that J’onn pretty made up whatever words he didn’t know. Sometimes he would just throw in absurd alternatives, in an effort to get Kara to laugh at him. It worked like a charm.

After a small marathon of car karaoke, with an abundance of laughter and smiles shared between them, Kara finally gave in her the growing fatigue and slumped over in her seat. J’onn looked over at her and gave her a sad smile, before saying, “We’re going to get through this, Kara.” Then. “I can tell that you don’t believe me. Not really. But I’m going to get you back home - to Alex, and Lena, and the rest of your family. You can count on it.”

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

*Flashback*

“How is it looking?” A feverishly pacing Mon-El asked Brainiac-V, “Do you think we’ve done enough?”

“Unfortunately, there’s no way to know that for sure,” Brainy responded as he feverishly searched through the ship’s databases. “A search of all available databases still hasn’t yielded any results. Theres still no mention of Supergirl in the histories after the final battle with Reign. However, we've already established that there are gaps in what we have. It is possible she might survive the fight. They chances are negligible, but not zero.”

“And Kara Danvers?” Mon-El questioned, with a tremble in his voice. He was all too aware of the fact that Brainy didn’t answer.

“Answer the question, please, Brainy,” Mon-El ordered. “Is there any mention of Kara Danvers, or not?” Brainy shook his head.

“What about Reign?” Mon-El asked him.

“Well,” Brainy cleared his throat, “That’s the good news. There’s now no mention of Reign, or the World-killers, after the final battle.”

“So that has improved, at least,” Imra seemed relieved to hear the news.

Mon-El couldn't help but let out a frustrated sound as he glanced up at the screen. His expression was nothing short of distraught.

“Mon-El,” Imra’s voice was soft as she tried to still her husband’s rampant pacing with a soft touch of his shoulder.

“We have to do something,” he told her in a desperate voice. “Maybe if we talk to her about what we know, she could be persuaded to sit this one out.”

“But then that would change the timeline all over again,” Imra argued. “The whole point of us getting involved, was to ensure that Reign and the World-killers would be defeated. Removing Kara from the equation will almost certainly tip the scales back in Reign’s favor. It would alter history. And not in the way we want.”

“She’s not wrong,” Brainy agreed, seemingly taking Imra’s side.

“Still, Kara deserves to be given a choice,” Mon-El obdurately argued. “We have to tell her.”

“No!” Brainy argued in a booming voice. “We can’t tell her about this,” Brainy continued, “Doing so would violate just about every law in existence. Look, we all care about her, Mon-El, but we can’t afford to intervene in this matter. I understand that you're upset, but we can’t just play god whenever things don’t go the way we want. We’ve already done more than enough damage to the timeline as it is!”

"You know... It's funny how you can justify everything when we're talking about the Earth," Mon-El hissed, "But when it's our friend who's about to be wiped from existence, we're just supposed to let them-"

“Hey,” a calmed voice called out as they confidently strode into the room, “I heard shouting. Is everything okay?”

“Everything is just fine, Supergirl,” Brainy answered calmly, He was clearly attempting to allay any suspicion that something was wrong. But Mon-El wasn’t having any of it.

“Like hell it is!” Mon-El snapped.

“Mon-El!” Imra quickly hissed out his name, with a hint of a reprimand in her voice.

"What?!" He shot back. "You want me to pretend that everything is fine, when it clearly isn't?!"

"Easy," Kara chided. "Let's just try to calm down a moment." Kara took a deep breath, letting the tension in the room ease as much as possible before she spoke again.

“What’s the problem, Mon-el?” Kara asked him gently.

“We need to shift strategy,” Mon-El told her. “Instead of you squaring off with Reign during the final battle, we need you to take care of Pestilence, instead.”

“You can’t be serious,” Kara told him, with a sigh of disbelief. “We already decided a long time ago that I would be taking care of Reign, and that the rest of you would be focusing on the others. We’ve trained for it. And I hate to say it, but it doesn’t make any sense for us to change it now. Not when the battle is only a few days out.”

“She’s right,” Imra spoke. “To change things now would almost certainly end in disaster. The fact is, we already know our roles. If we suddenly change strategy now, then we’ll be underprepared and easily overrun. We need to stick with what we’ve prepared for.”

“So the two of you don’t agree?” Kara asked her. “Is that what the fight was about?”

“That, among other things,” Brainy admitted.

“Huh," This seemed to be enough to satisfy Kara. "What are the other things you disagree on?” Kara asked with a hint of curiosity. "What does Mon-el want?"

“Truthfully?” Brainy revealed, “He wishes for you to ‘sit this one out,’ as they say.”

Mon-El seemed to have no shame as he met Kara’s striking blue eyes. “It’s too dangerous,” was all he said in explanation.

“You’re kidding me, right?” Kara uttered incredulously.

“No,” Mon-El shot back, standing his ground. Kara forced herself to take in another deep, calming breath.

“Then let me make something very clear to you, right now!. Kara told him in a stern voice. "There is no way that I’m going to sit this one out, Mon-El. Because it is my responsibility to protect the Earth. And I take that responsibility very seriously,” Kara spoke with unwavering conviction. “I have not come this far, and put myself through everything that I have gone through, in order to just take the easy way out and quit now, ” Kara told him with a flash of her steely blue eyes. “And just the fact that you would even suggest such a thing is utterly ludicrous. No! It’s insulting, actually.”

“Kara, please,” Mon-El’s voice turned pleading.

"Is this about what happened the last time I fought Reign?" Kara questioned, "Because I assure you. The last time I fought her, I was flying blind. I had no idea what I was up against. There was no way of knowing what I was getting into. But this time? I'm fully prepared. I know exactly what I'm up against, and I know what Reign's weaknesses are. You don't have to worry about me. Because I promise you, I'm fully prepared to do whatever it takes to beat her."

"Even die?" he challenged, silently daring her to deny it.

"Yes," Kara said with a hardness in her steely blue eyes, "Even that."

"That is kind of the problem, Kara," Mon-el rasped. "Just listen to me for a moment. Please." 

“No,” Kara swallowed, “My people are the ones responsible for creating the World-killers, and it’s my responsibility to make things right. I fully intend on doing so. I will not let them destroy the planet I love.”

“That’s just it, Kara, this is not your fault!” Mon-El continued to argue. “You're so quick to talk about responsibility. Well, I’m telling you that it is not your responsibility to lay down your life and die for this!”

“I know that,” Kara told him. “But my word on this is final.” “Look, I get it,” Kara spoke calmly, “I know you think I’m being rash, but I am not. I’ve had plenty of time to think about the risks and the consequences. I know what I’m doing.”

“You don’t!” Mon-El shot back. And Kara suddenly had to fight down the urge to throttle him. She didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he was behaving completely irrationally, now.

“Mon-El,” Kara had to resist the urge to ground her teeth together, as she shot a glare at him, “Look, I don’t know what the hell your problem is. But whatever it is? You need to get over it. And last but not least? I don’t want to hear about you picking fights with any of the others on the team. We’re are all a family, here. I can't have you sowing discord.”

She had just turned to leave when his words caught her square between the shoulder-blades.

“She kills you, Kara!” His words were almost like a punch to the gut – a confirmation of the very thing that had been lingering in her dreams for months. “We don’t know how it happens, exactly. But we do know she kills you,” his voice was hoarse with unshed tears. “I know you think I’m wrong for trying to tell you what to do, but I just… I can’t lose you, okay? I still care about you.”

“Mon-El,” Brainy sounded upset as he said, “I thought we agreed not to mention it! Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?”

"For the last time," Mon-El hissed, "I don't care about the stupid space-time laws, Brainy. Not when it means I can save someone I care about. I'm fully prepared to answer to the council for it if need be."

“It’s fine, Brainy,” Kara breathed, as she suddenly braced herself against the nearest wall. Her back was still to Mon-El and the others. “Look, you don’t have to worry about your precious timeline, okay? Because I already knew.”

“You what?” Mon-El sounded shocked.

“I said that I already knew,” Kara repeated the words slowly, as she slowly turned around.

“How?” Brainy and Mon-El asked, their words overlapping each other clumsily.

“Well, this is gonna sound kind of dumb, but,” Kara spoke in a low voice. “I’ve been dreaming it for a while." Then. "I guess it’s not uncommon for Kryptonians to have premonitions about their deaths. Go figure.”

“Wait, visions? How long have you been having visions?” Mon-El asked.

“For a while now. Since before Argo,” Kara answered.

“Kara-” Mon-El seemed flabbergasted. “Why in the hell didn’t you-”

“Say anything?” Kara said with a humorless laugh. Then she answered seriously, “I don’t know. Probably for the same reasons why you kept what you knew a secret from me.”

“Still, you should have told me,” he breathed.

"You know, this might come as a shock to you, but I don’t owe you anything, Mon-El,” Kara bit back. “Much as you think you’re entitled to my thoughts and my feelings, you’re not.”

“Kara,” Imra’s voice was soft as she cut in. It was altogether more tactful than she expected. “I don't think that's how he meant it. I uh... I think what he means to say is that you shouldn't have had to carry something like this by yourself. Because keeping something like this inside is…”

“Difficult?” Kara finished for her. “Yeah, I know.”

“Look, I’m not going to lie, it kind of sucks,” Kara confirmed, “But it’s also been good, I guess? I mean…. I’ve had time to make my peace with it,” Kara told them. “I uh... I feel ready for whatever might happen.” Then. “If I somehow manage to make it out of the fight alive, then great. But if I don’t? Well, that’s okay, too. So long as I manage to take down Reign before it happens, then it’s all good.”

“Kara,” Mon-El’s voice was desperate. “Please! You can’t do this! Just think of all the people who’ll be devastated – who love you. You can’t do this to them.”

Kara let out a weighted breath for a moment, before speaking again.

“I’m not the only one who is laying down my life, Mon-El. We all are!” Kara argued. “And I think it’s pretty obvious by now that you don’t understand where I'm coming from. But I’m going to try and argue my point anyway. So here it is... My life is no more important than any one of yours. I won’t sit this one out, and let someone die in my place. I can’t do that. Because they have families, too – they have loved ones, too. And I, despite the fact that I wear this giant symbol on my chest, am no more important than any one of them.” Then. “Look, I’m sorry, but I can’t do what it is that you're asking me to do, Mon-El. I can’t. I'd never be able to live with myself, knowing what I'd done.” And with that, Kara walked away.

After she was gone, the silence in the room built and built until none of them could seemingly stand it any longer. Brainy was the first one to break the silence.

“So.... that went about as well as I expected,” Brainy said, in his signature analytical voice.

“Damn it,” Mon-El sighed as he raked a hand roughly over his face. “We’re going to need a Plan B.”

“Well, I might have an idea,” Brainy revealed.

“And?”

“Well, we all seem to be in agreement that Reign is in fact the one who kills Kara… due to the fact that their fates seem to be inevitably intertwined. So, in order to stop Reign from killing her, we also need to theorize the means or the method by which she does so. Analysis indicates that there are two likely possibilities. The first, is that Reign exhausts Kara’s powers, and inflicts a fatal injury while Kara is vulnerable. The second, of course, is Kryptonite.”

“So if we can figure out a way to counteract Kryptonite, or reverse a loss of Kara’s powers, then there might be a chance for us to change the future and save her,” Imra cut in. “Brainy, that’s genius!”

“It has to be sunlight,” Mon-El spoke, as a light-bulb suddenly went off in his head. “Alex designed a yellow-sun grenade for her, once. And she used it to restore Kara’s powers when we were temporarily stranded on a planet with a red-sun. Perhaps we could use something like that to save her.”

“I will reach out to Alex and see what we can come up with,” Brainy replied. "There's very little time to work with, but hopefully we can still make something work."

“Very well,” Mon-El breathed. “Just be careful, Brainy. Alex can’t know why we’re doing this, or it will ruin everything.”

*Three hours later…. (Still a flashback)*

“Kara?” Kara was startled from her almost tumultuous thoughts by Alex’s gentle voice.

Ever since her argument with Mon-El, Kara had been hiding away in a deep, dark corner of the DEO, where she hoped that no one would find her. But, of course, with her luck being what it was, Alex had found her.

“Kara, hey, are you in here?” Alex called out again.

Kara made no effort to respond, almost hoping that Alex would just turn around and leave, without doing her due diligence. 

She knows she should respond, of course, but it’s just that Kara doesn’t think she could handle anything more right now.

Much as Kara had tried, she couldn’t seem to get Mon-El’s words out of her head.

She felt guilty - guilty at the thought that she might leave the people she loved behind – guilty at the fact that she might ruin the lives of those she cared the most about by doing so. But as much as she felt guilty, she also knew that she had to do whatever it takes to put this thing to bed. No matter how afraid she might be, Kara also had to be brave.

Because she alone was the one standing between Reign and the destruction of humanity. 

Kara continued to stare down at her hands, whilst fiddling with the little loop that her fingers fit into. She worked it back and forth, back and forth, over and over again without pause.

“Kar,” Alex let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god. We’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

K ara didn’t know who “we” was exactly, but she had a theory. 

Kara swallowed harshly over the lump in her throat, as she looked up from her hands, in order to find Alex standing there looking down on her with an undeniable expression of concern.

Alex seemed to sense something was wrong, because she instantly slowed her approach and began approaching Kara cautiously, as if Kara was some kind of wounded animal.

“Kara?” Alex’s voice softened, ”Hey, what’s wrong?” Then. “You were supposed to meet with Lena in order to go over the new suit design hours ago, but you never showed." Then. "She called me. I've been worried sick about you."

“I….” Kara’s voice broke, her resolve suddenly shattering into a thousand pieces. She felt betrayed by her own emotions, as tears started flooding into her eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Alex’s voice was gentle as she lowered herself down next to Kara on the floor, “Hey, it's not that big of a deal, okay? I'm sure she'll understand that you needed a breather. You've got a lot on your plate right now.” Her shoulder bumped Kara’s ever so gently as she wedged herself against the wall next to Kara. Kara felt a noise pulled from her throat as Alex carefully took one of Kara’s fidgeting hands in her own, effectively stilling it. "You want to talk about what's bothering you?"

“No. I’m sorry,” Kara told her thickly. “Rao, I’m so sorry."

“Hey," Alex's voice was extraordinarily gentle has she said, "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry."  Then. "It's just that I'm worried about you. What’s going on in that head of yours?” Alex questioned. “Cause you’re kind of freaking me out. Are you about to have a panic attack?”

Kara shook her head, due to the fact that she seemed completely incapable of words at the moment.

“Look,” Alex breathed. “I can tell that you think that you have to be strong. But you don’t. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now. Please just tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m scared,” Kara found herself finally admitting. “I’m scared, Alex, and I’m supposed to be brave. I’m supposed to protect you all, and I…” Then. “I don’t get to feel like this. I can’t-”

“Whoa,” Alex cut her off suddenly, “Who told you that? Seriously. Who on Earth told you that you can’t be scared? Because let me tell you something, Kara, we’re all scared. In fact, I know that I, for one, am absolutely terrified.”

“Now, what is it you’re scared of? Perhaps it will help you if you talk about it?” Alex suggested helpfully.

"I don't think that it's going to help anything," Kara argued.

"Try anyway?" Alex persisted.

“I'm scared of what happens next. I'm scared of losing you,” Kara told her with a sob, her voice thick with her tears, “Or losing Lena, or Winn, or James, or J’onn. The truth is, I don’t think I could deal with it, if I lost any of you. But, Rao, if I lost you? I- I would never be able to-".

“Hey,” Alex breathed, as she pulled Kara into her arms and held her tightly. “Hey, you’re not gonna lose me.”

“But you can’t promise me that,” Kara told her. “There’s going to be so much going on – so much that is going to be out of our control when the fight happens, and I just-” Kara’s voice cut off suddenly. “I need to be focused,” Kara whispered. “And I can’t afford to make any mistakes. The fate of the world is in my hands, and all I can think about is you, and Lena – and how I can’t live without either of you.”

“Kara,” Alex’s voice was thick with her own words as she said, “You’re right to be afraid. But I promise you that I will do everything in my power to survive – just as I will also do everything in my power to protect our friends.”

“There’s- There’s something I have to ask you,” Kara said, as Alex pulled back. Kara held her sister’s gaze as she continued, “Actually, it’s more of a request. ”

“Okay,” Alex agreed, "Shoot."

“If the fight takes a turn… if things start to get really bad, I need you to promise me that you will get Lena out of there,” Kara asks with absolute intensity - her blue eyes desperate and glassy. “I know your first instinct will be to go to me. It will be to help me. But I’m strong. I can handle it.”

“Kara-” Alex tried to interrupt, but Kara wasn’t having any of it.

“Please, it’s Lena I’m worried about,” Kara admitted. “Look, Reign has already tried on multiple occasions to kill her,” Kara couldn’t help but remind her. “And I have no doubt that if she is given the chance, that Reign will try to finish the job.”

“If something should happen to me, or if Reign should somehow get away from me, I just know that she will go after Lena first. Because she knows that Lena is my ultimate weakness.” Then. “She will want to hurt me, and take away my focus by hurting the one person that I care the most about, apart from you. I don’t think I have to tell you how disastrous that would be. We can’t let that happen.” Kara reasoned, “That is why I need you to promise me you will get her out of there at the earliest sign of trouble. Please, Alex.”

Alex nodded, and Kara felt relief settle over her.

“So you’ll do it?” Kara asked her, with hope blossoming in her chest.

“Of course I’ll do it,” Alex told her. “I… I know how much you love her, Kara.”

“You do?” Kara couldn’t help the quaver that left her throat as tears filled her eyes.

“Yeah,” Alex replied. “And you should know? Because of that she’s family to me, too.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Kara responded, as she reached up to scrub away her tears.

“Hey, you don’t need to say anything,” Alex told her. “We’re sisters. You should know that I am always gonna have your back no matter what.”

“Thank you,” Kara told her breathlessly. “I know you’re not doing it for a thank you, but please just accept my heartfelt thanks anyways.”

“Of course, Kar,” Alex replied.

“So… “ Alex began, after a bit of silence, “Do you feel better now? You seem to have perked up a bit, now that you’re not so worried.”

“Yeah,” Kara nodded. “I feel much better now, knowing that you’ve got my back. I mean… I’m still worried about everything else, but at least it’s a more manageable mountain, now.”

“Well,” Alex smiled, “I’m glad I could help.”

“You always do,” Kara told her as she pulled her into a crushing and long-lasting hug. “I love you,” Kara told her thickly.

“I love you, too,” Alex breathed into her shoulder.

Kara could only hope that Alex would be okay once she was gone.

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

The next time Kara opened her eyes, it was to the sight of a red sea of sand, with so many enormous mountains and ravines that it absolutely boggled the mind. Kara stared out at the expanse for a long time, completely overwhelmed by the sight and all of the emotions that it sent coursing through her.

“I forgot how beautiful this place was,” Kara breathed quietly. “But, gosh, it’s so beautiful.”

“It is,” J’onn confirmed. “It’s home. I know you love Earth. But I also hope, in time, that you will come to love this place, too. I want you to consider this place to be your home, as well.” Kara was so struck by the kindness and earnestness in his words that she felt a little overwhelmed by it, to be honest.

“You ready to head inside?” he asked her, as he opened the passenger side door of the convertible.

“Yeah,” Kara told him, as she reached behind her and pulled her bag from the back seat. She climbed out the car and followed him inside.

“I’m sure you remember this place,” J’onn told her, “But I’ll give you a quick refresher later.” Then he announced, “I hope it’s okay, but I’ve already set up your quarters. You’ll be just through here.” Kara followed him into the room that would be hers, and nearly gasped.

It seemed that he had given her the brightest room in the place – the one with the most sunlight and the best accompanying view. He’d also decorated the place tastefully, as if he was trying to make it feel as much like her apartment as was possible. There was decidedly more metal involved in the décor, of course, due to the Martian’s building style. But it’s everything that Kara could have asked for.

There was an easel set up in the corner, with all kinds of canvases stacked in the corner as if waiting for whatever muse struck her. She also had a tray with all kinds of paints and brushes set up just next to it.

In the other corner there was a bookshelf perfectly wedged into the space, and it was seemingly filled with all of the books from Kara’s reading list.

“J’onn,” Kara spoke as she walked over to the bed in the center of the room, and sank down onto it, “Rao, this is-” Kara felt her breath catch, as she ran her hand over the softest comforter that Kara had ever run her fingers over. She didn't even think to finish the thought, she was so overwhelmed.

“Do you like it?” J’onn asked her anxiously, while dragging his foot on the floor in clear apprehension.

“Like it? I-” Kara almost didn’t even know what to say. “I love it. This is everything. Truly. It’s… It’s everything that I could have ever wished for. Thank you so much, J'onn. I can’t even believe you did all this for me.”

“Well, I wish I could take all of the credit, but it wasn’t just me that arranged it,” J’onn admitted. “I mean… everybody helped.”

“Yeah?” Kara asked numbly, still in a state of disbelief about it all.

“Yeah,” J’onn nodded. “Brainy sent along the crystals, and the Kryptonian interface for viewing them,” J’onn pointed them out in the room. “He figured that you wouldn’t want to be without your mother’s guidance.” Then, "Alex mentioned that painting is one of your biggest coping mechanisms when you are stressed and gave me a list of supplies to pick up for you. And Lena? Well, Lena paid for all of the books that you see. I don’t know the whole story, of course. But from what I understand, it sounds like you’d both been sharing books that you wanted to read. She thought it would be comforting for you, if you could have a means of escape. She gave me the book list and a credit-card. She told me to get them all.”

Kara was crying now. Tears were streaking down her face, and Kara didn’t even bother trying to stop them.

“And this,” J’onn began, as he carefully lowered himself next to her on the bed, “This is from me.” Kara swallowed thickly, as she reached over and accepted the small, wrapped package that J’onn was holding out to her. She carefully began tearing the paper beneath her fingers. When the box was free, Kara finally prized open the lid, and pulled out the I-Phone within.

“J’onn?” Kara couldn’t help but appear confused, as she looked over at him.

“What is this?” Kara asked him in shock. “I… I thought my phone was destroyed in the fight. I mean it - it was in pieces. The whole thing completely shattered. The truth is, I’d given everything up for lost.” J’onn instantly stilled her rambling with a gentle touch of her wrist.

“I know,” he nodded. “But Brainy and I figured out a way to recover everything from it. This phone is technically a newer model, but it has all of your old photos and videos on it. I wanted to make sure that you could look at photos of everyone whenever you wished, and that you could document your time here on Mars. Call it a sort of video diary, if you wish. I just thought-” J’onn was cut off as Kara pulled him into a crushing hug.

“Rao,” Kara cried, “You really are the best, J’onn.” Then. “I can’t possibly tell you what this means to me. It’s… It’s everything. Thank you.”

“Oh, Kara,” J’onn told her emotionally, “You’re welcome. I really hope you know that we’d all do anything for you.”

“Gosh, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you all,” Kara told him thickly.

“Repay us?” J’onn sounded perplexed. “Kara… Don’t be ridiculous! As far as we’re all concerned, there’s nothing to repay. And there’s nothing that we’ve done for you that you haven’t already repaid a million times over. “

“It’s just… You’ve all done so much for me. I just can’t help but feel like I-” Kara began. But J’onn didn’t let her finish.

“I know. I know, but I promise that you don’t owe us anything. We wanted to do this for you, Kara. We all love you so much,” he told her, completely understanding everything she was feeling.

“I love you guys, too,” She breathed into his shoulder. Then, sensing her need to process, he breathed, “I’ll give you a minute to get settled in. I’ve got lots of stuff to bring in.”

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” Kara offered as she started to stand up. But J’onn waved her off.

“No. I’ll be fine,” he assured her. “You just rest now, okay? I know it’s been a long journey for you,” Kara nodded, and watched him leave the room.

Once he was gone, Kara carefully opened the bag she’d brought with her and pulled out the NCU sweatshirt that was nestled inside.

Part of Kara still couldn't believe that Kal had happened to grab this particular article of clothing, in particular. Because of everything she owned it certainly had the least monetary value. But when it came to sentimentality? Well, it was easily the most valuable thing that Kara owned or had ever owned. After all, she and Lena had been trading the item of clothing back and forth over the last few months, and it was honestly the one item that meant the most to her.

Kara carefully hugged the sweatshirt to her chest and gently laid back on the bed, closing her eyes as she tried to anchor herself. She could feel herself slipping – spiraling down into deep, dark, emotions that scared Kara a little bit with their intensity.

“Oh, Lena,” Kara breathed into the silence as tears built in her eyes. “I miss you so much. I... Rao, I wish you were here.”

In that same moment, Kara lifted the article of clothing to her nose and inhaled.

She inhaled deeply, pulling as much of Lena’s smell into her nose as she possibly could. Kara felt a sudden calmness wash over her. Of course, it wasn’t the same as one of their hugs, but it almost felt like being in her presence. And Kara almost thinks that if she concentrated hard enough, that she could almost conjure those sensations and feelings from her memory – of Lena’s arms wrapped tightly around Kara’s body in a loving embrace.

But ultimately, even her memory can’t seem to get things right. It’s just not the same.

Still, she tries. She tries for as long as she can, before tearing the article away and carefully stuffing it back into her bag.

A part of Kara is afraid that if she overdoes it, that Lena’s scent will vanish from the article of clothing and Lena’s scent will be lost to her entirely. She knows that she can’t afford to let that happen.

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

Kara spent the next three and a half weeks living her life to the fullest. She tries to keep herself as busy as possible. She does so because she knows that if she’s busy, then she won’t have time to think about just how goddamned much she misses her friends and her family.

Her first major undertaking is constructing the communication device from the parts and schematics she’s been given. And then, when that is done, she tries to fill her days with whatever strikes her fancy at the time. She reads. She paints. She writes. She goes on hikes and explores, whilst documenting the most spectacular geological features that she finds as she does so. From sun-up to sun-down, Kara just goes, goes, goes. J'onn likes to joke that she's like the Energizer bunny, always moving in one direction or another without stopping. What he doesn't realize, is that she does this on purpose. Because when her head hits the pillow at night? Kara wants to be out instantly. She doesn’t want to have time to think - doesn’t want to have time to feel anything. She just wants everything within her to be peaceful, quiet. She wants to be completely and thoroughly relaxed.

Occasionally, Kara sends messages down to Earth. However, these messages have to fall within a very narrow window of time, and typically have to fit within a measly few lines of text. And God. It’s like going through the character limit of Twitter all over again. It’s hell. Because pretty much everything Kara wants to say can never quite fit under the character limit, and she finds herself having to cut them down until they don’t say what she really wants them to say, at all. 

Her conversations with Lena and the others feel stilted, short, and incomplete. It almost feels like its own brand of torture. Initially, when Kara heard that they would be able to communicate with one another, it had felt like a lifeline. But instead, it was starting to feel like something else entirely. Kara has to constantly fight her own tendencies to hover over the instrument of communication. She constantly finds herself wanting to check for new messages.

Fortunately, she eventually starts learning the schedule and the pattern. And then she is able to focus on other things. while still making it back within just a minute or two of a message’s arrival.

She now felt more grounded and less reliant on anything for her happiness.

J’onn was doing a great job of helping keep her mentally healthy too. And the truth is, that Kara was just so, so grateful for J’onn and everything he’d done for her.

When the nightmares inevitably came for her in the night, he would always somehow be there, no matter what time it was. He didn’t even seem to care that she would sometimes become almost violent in her thrashing as she relived that last fight with Reign.

Sometimes she would wake up screaming or crying – sometimes both, and J’onn would just hold her. He’d hold her in his arms and would rock her back and forth like a small child, while talking to her about anything and everything. On nights he was feeling especially guilty, he would take it upon himself to apologize. He’d even beg for her forgiveness and apologize for a million little things that weren’t even remotely his fault.

Kara knows that this was a problem of her own creation. After all, she had been the one to blame him in the beginning. But in time, she made it clear that it was never his fault, and J’onn, in turn, agreed to stop apologizing. They’ve both made a lot of progress.

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

All good, Kara hastily typed into the keyboard. I'm about to go for a hike. I'll try and sketch you a picture when I get back. After that she grabbed a titanium bottle of water from the kitchen.

"Hey, J'onn," Kara hollered out to J'onn as she trundled out of the kitchen and towards the front door. "I'm heading out for a walk! I should be back by dinner!"

But felt herself stop in her tracks as J'onn's voice called back to her. "Hey, Kara! Hold on!" He'd cried out from behind the door. She paused for a moment, as she heard the door whoosh open, and J'onn appeared before her, looking flustered. 

"Mind if I come with?" he asked her. "There's actually a place I'd really like to show you, if you're amenable."

Kara felt a smile pull upwards at her lips as she met his hopeful expression. His eagerness to show her his home, had absolutely warmed her heart over the last several weeks. It felt like he was really trying his hardest to make her feel like it was her home, too. It meant the world to her.

"I'd love that!" Kara told him. "Is it close?"

"I'm afraid that it's a little ways away," J'onn told her, "But I can easily fly us there, and it shouldn't be too long of a flight." 

Minutes later, J'onn touched down and gently eased Kara to the ground. Kara gave him a grateful smile. "Gosh, it's so weird having to have someone fly me around."

"I just didn't want you to overtax or exert yourself," J'onn explained. "You need to conserve your energy as much as possible." Then, he spoke again, "If you're up to walking a little bit, it should be just few minutes this way on foot. I really didn't want to spoil the view for you."

Kara nodded, and followed his footsteps over the red, hot sand. She felt the muscles in the back of her legs ache, as she pushed through the unforgiving, soft sand. All the while, she could feel the hot sun beat unforgivingly down on them both. She was already feeling exhausted, but she was determined to see it through. She trudged on, while breathing heavily from the light exertion. Ahead of her, she noticed J'onn slow his steps. It was almost as if he were aware she was struggling. He came to a stop, waiting for her to catch up.

"Sorry," Kara muttered, before she uncapped her water and took a greedy sip from it. "I feel like I'm slowing you down."

"You're doing nothing of the sort, Kara," he told her as he put a gentle hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. 

"Rao," Kara exhaled as she reached up to rub her face, "I hate feeling so..." She left the thought and the emotion unfinished, knowing J'onn would be all too happy to fill in the blanks of that statement. 

"I know," he sighed softly, "And I can't imagine how helpless it must be making you feel. But you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just the fact that you're continuing to push yourself shows how strong you really are, Kara. We're going to get through this. And I promise that in the end, this will feel like a step toward something so much greater. You're bettering yourself in every way possible." Kara nodded. She felt him slide his hand down her back and gently nudge her forwards. She followed his lead, and started walking again.

Minutes later, they came to a large sand dune. Kara groused a little bit under her breath before she started pushing her way up the large hill. For every step forward, it felt like she slid a half of a step backwards. But she kept pushing. She knew J'onn was right. In the end, she knew that all of her trouble, turmoil, and strife would be worth it. She just had to keep going - much as her body and mind were crying out for her to stop. Towards the top of the steep incline, Kara was scrabbling for each foothold. One of her feet slipped and Kara was sent tumbling. Still, she did not stop. She planted her hands and feet in the sand and pushed herself up. She plucked her stainless steel water bottle from the sand, and let out a deep sigh. She brushed her sweaty, sand covered hands on her pants and kept going.

By the time they finally crested the hill, Kara was already sweating through her shirt. She lifted the material up to her face, as she felt a bead of sweat begin to trickle from her hairline, down the side of her face. She wiped it away with the thin fabric, and let go of it with her hands. The fabric rebounded, pulling back to its place against the skin of her abdomen. Then, she took the last step up over the edge.

Kara quickly felt the air escape from her lungs as she looked down into one of the biggest and deepest canyons she'd ever seen in her life. It easily put the Grand Canyon on Earth to shame. It instantly made her think of one of her favorite places on Krypton. The view was so spectacular, it nearly robbed the breath straight from her lungs.

"Wow," Kara exhaled, sounding breathless as she took it all in. Her chest bobbed up and down as she struggled to replace all of the oxygen she had used during the strenuous last push up the hill. 

"It's pretty extraordinary, isn't it?" J'onn said knowingly. "Scientists on Earth named it the Valles Marineris, but here on Mars we have our own name for it." Kara eagerly listened to J'onn share its name with her. She sounded out the words, and instantly committed them to memory. He told her a story about its initial discovery, and its exploration. He explained the rather extraordinary yet simple geological processes that formed it. The rock formations were older than Kara could comfortably wrap her head around. The valley had been chiseled from the rock back when water on Mars was plentiful. 

"Would you mind if I pulled out my sketch book?" Kara asked him. "I'd like to try and capture this sight. I'd love to be able to share this view with all of the others."

"Of course not," he told her. "Here-" he said as he indicated an area off to their left, "there's a rock we can sit on just a little bit this way." Kara quickly followed him over to the aforementioned rock, and gratefully plopped down onto it. After their trek, she was feeling especially drained and welcomed the respite. She hastily pulled out the sketchbook, her graphite pencils and started drawing. Her hand moved surely, but feverishly over the paper. J'onn watched with rapt attention as she used her fingers to smudge the graphite material and create shadows as needed. It was a gift to watch her work. Kara's face bore an expression of determination, as she took in every detail and tried to bring it to life on the page. He could see all of the tension in her body incrementally relax, as she focused on the wonder of what she was seeing.

When Kara finally finished (after what felt like several hours of hard work), she felt a great sense of victory. It was easily one of the best sketches she'd ever done, and she knew it would always be one of her favorites.

"What do you think?" Kara asked J'onn, as she glanced back at him over her shoulder.

"Honestly? I think that you've captured it perfectly," J'onn told her. He had an affectionate and proud expression on his face. "Your work is extraordinary. They're going to love it," he reaffirmed.

Kara looked practically radiant as she basked in the pride his words elicited. Kara hastily gathered her pencils, and put them away. She took one final glance at her drawing, flipped the sketch pad closed, and slipped the notebook into her backpack. She took a deep breath, situated the strap of the backpack on her shoulder. and then started to stand up.

She'd just made it to her feet when her heart began to beat unusually hard and fast in her fast. It felt as if she were running a sprint, but she wasn't, and hadn't been before. Before she even had a chance to prepare, or brace herself, she felt the world around her lurch and her vision swim. Black started to encroach on the edges of her vision, and Kara felt herself reach out for J'onn as her knees buckled. The motion was that of a reflex, with no higher thought involved. It's as if her brain had just known she was in trouble, and so it reached out for the only lifeline that it could find. 

"Whoa," J'onn cried out as he met Kara halfway. J'onn spoke her name loudly as he caught her beneath her arms and tried to steady her. But Kara did not respond. She couldn't. She couldn't seem to hear him over the deafening ringing in her ears. The high-pitched noise was unbearably loud, and Kara closed her eyes for a moment, as she tried to fight unconsciousness.

"Kara!" J'onn nearly bellowed as he lowered her to the ground. Kara opened her eyes. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked as she met his concerned expression. "What happened?"

"I.... I don't know," Kara told him. She took a long moment to just focus on her breathing. "I just felt faint for a moment. But I think I'm okay now." Then she gave him the best explanation that she could think of. "I think the heat is getting to me a bit."

"Yeah," he nodded and swallowed. Though, he wasn't sure that was it, exactly. "It's a lot hotter out here than I thought it would be. I think it would be a good idea for us to get you back to the house and get you into a cooler environment." Then. "You just scared the heck out of me, Kara."

"Sorry," Kara muttered, "I didn't mean it." Then. "You know, if it's any consolation? I think I just scared the hell out of myself."

"Let's get back," J'onn told her as he scooped her into his arms, "You need to rest."

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

Luckily, after that scary incident, everything seemed to settle back down. Life for Kara carried on as normal. She stuck to her routines, and even had some days where she felt fantastic and thought she might have been able to run a marathon if someone had asked her to. 

But unfortunately, it couldn't last. Even Kara knew that there would come a time when her luck simply ran out.

Kara was catapulted into consciousness with a jolt, as she won out against the very worst of her nightmare. The name on her lips died in a sort of whisper, but still fell from her lips nonetheless.

“Lena,” Kara gasped, as sweat dripped from her brow and down into her eyes, stinging them in the process. Kara’s torso helplessly dropped back to the mattress, and she groaned, with her breaths coming in ragged inconsistent gasps as she rode out the cascade of emotions that went through her. She did not want to remember the nightmare, and so she patiently waited for that inevitable moment that the details effectively slipped from her mind and became just like every other dream. Intangible.

With her heart still pounding, Kara pushed herself up and off of the mattress and turned to look at the digital Chronometer mounted on the wall in her room. She let out a subsequent groan, and tried to rub the sleep from her eyes as she took it in, scarcely believing the time.

It had only been a mere 47 minutes since she’d laid down to rest. And the worst part about it all was that she still had a full 5 hours and 13 minutes before J’onn woke up in the morning. She would have to deal with the quiet until then.

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

‘So much for sleeping,’ Kara thought to herself as she swung her feet over the edge of the bed. After an internal debate, Kara opted to abandon sleep in lieu of taking a shower. Kara winced as she dropped her feet to the cool stone lining her bedroom floor. 

As soon as she was on her feet, the shock of the cold stone under her feet was already forgotten. In fact, the cold was such a normal occurrence to her that it no longer bothered her. It was something you got used to, living on another planet.

In the dark, Kara walked to her private but unquestionably small bathroom. The bathroom was a bit modest compared to the one in her apartment, but she had already learned to adapt. It consisted of a standard toilet, small sink, and a sonic shower. (It was more like a ½ of a shower, really, as it was tucked into one corner). As soon as Kara was through the door, she was activating the sonic shower with a quick swish of her hand in front of its motion sensor. Quickly, she started stripping off her underclothes, and tossed them into the sink. She let out a shiver as the cool air of her bathroom met her bare skin, and a moment later stepped into the shower.

The warm water felt heavenly on her skin, and she closed her eyes as she began to wash up. She hoped that somehow the water running down the drain would somehow take the memory of her nightmare with it - as if it could erase the sight of Lena’s lifeless body from her memory forever.

It had been like this for a while now.

She hadn’t been sleeping well, and instead had been relying on ample amounts of coffee to keep herself awake. But it wasn’t working. She was slowly losing the battle and supposed that it was showing.

When Kara had used up the allotted amount of water (they had to ration it), she cut the water and wiped the residual drops from her eyes with her left hand and activated the dryer. Kara closed her eyes and let out a long, weighted breath as she relished in the sensation of the warm air on her skin as it rapidly dried her. Within seconds, Kara stepped out of the shower and up to the sink. It was then she let out a faint gasp, as a single bead of red leaked from her nose and splattered into the sink. Kara instantly reached up to her nose in horror, as it opened up like a fountain. Kara was almost stunned as drop after drop of blood seemed to elude her fingers and dripped into the metal basin below. She'd never had a nosebleed before that wasn't due to some kind of trauma. And so, incidentally, she didn't really know how to stop it.

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

She was starting to shake now, as she realized that this probably wasn’t a fluke. She’d been noticing small things recently, like how she seemed to have permanent shadows beneath her eyes or how her hair seemed to be thinner than usual. 

“No...no...no,” Kara breathed in a quavering voice as she latched onto the edge of the sink with both hands and looked down for a moment. "What's happening?" Kara asked in a panicked voice.

“Darling?” Kara could almost swear she heard Lena’s voice a moment later. “Hey, are you alright?” And then Kara flinched as she felt the distinctive pressure of a hand against her back. When Kara finally glanced up into the mirror again, she felt her heart skip a beat as she locked eyes with Lena over her left shoulder. The woman was standing right behind her, looking as solid and real as Kara has ever seen her. The brunette looked beautiful, but concerned, as she gazed back at Kara with blue-green eyes. 

“Lena?” Kara gasped in shock, as she felt Lena’s hand begin to move in soft circles against her skin. "What are you doing here?" Kara asked, before she could catch herself. She quickly shook her head a moment later, as the realization struck her. "No. This isn't real," Kara breathed the words aloud, as she willed herself to believe them. "There's no way this can be real," Kara asserted. "Come on," Kara ordered herself, "Snap out of it, Kara."

It was then that Kara couldn't bear not knowing any longer. She whirled around so fast that she made herself a bit dizzy with the motion. Kara staggered sideways, latching onto the sink in order to keep from falling. She let out a mournful sound, as she found the room to be completely empty. She was alone, completely alone. She had been alone the entire time. She was hallucinating. But God, it had seemed so real. Even now, the picture of Lena seemed so vivid. I mean....she'd felt Lena's touch on her skin. She'd felt the warmth of it. What... what in the hell was happening?

Kara could only scream. She bellowed as loudly as she could, given the sudden lack of air in her lungs, “J’onn!” And then, when she received nothing in response, Kara tumbled to the floor in a fit of weakness. Kara forced herself to take a deep breath, and then screamed J'onn's name again, “J’onn!”

“Kara?!” she heard his panicked voice cry out, as he charged into her room. Kara quickly grabbed her clothes and attempted to preserve her modesty as she heard his heavy, quick footsteps draw near.

“In here!” Kara cried out in desperation and fear. Her voice was completely hoarse. Her breaths were coming fast now, as she finally realized just how scared she was. I mean, she’d just had a full-on hallucination, which she couldn’t help but take as a very bad sign. What was happening to her?

“Kara?” J'onn tried to sound calm as he rushed into the bathroom, in order to find her crumpled on the floor, with blood all over her hands. “Oh, goodness! What happened?”

“I… I don’t know,” Kara admitted. “Rao, I don’t know. I- I think something's wrong."

“Easy,” J'onn told her in a patient voice, as he knelt down next to her on the floor. “Easy, Kara. You’re okay.”

“I’m not! I..... I just saw Lena, J’onn,” Kara told him in a broken, devastated voice. “She was here, standing right behind me! And when I turned around, she was-” Kara’s voice trailed off for a moment, before she asserted with even more certainty, “Please. You have to believe me. Something is wrong with me.”

“I do believe you,” he promised her. “I promise. But please, just try and be calm.” He then quickly set about trying to stop her nosebleed, before she got even more blood on the floor. He tipped her head forward, before pinching her nostrils shut, in order to stop the bleeding.

"Breathe," he coached her. "Take some deep breaths for me, Kara. I think you're hyperventilating. You need to try and slow your breathing for me."

“I’m trying,” Kara replies. “But I’m scared. I don’t know why, but I thought there would be more time. Rao, there's not enough time.”

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Chapter Text

One Week Later.... (Mars)

Kara closed her eyes as she heaved into the toilet for the tenth time in an hour. Her legs felt like jelly underneath her as she leaned over the reinforced metal bowl in her bathroom. She’d turned on the water, intending to take a shower when the nausea had hit her like a freight train. She could hear the faint creak of the pipes as the water made its way through them, before spilling out onto the shower floor unused and wasted. She’d just pulled her shirt over her head when her stomach lurched and the colors had suddenly swirled in a dizzying pattern before her eyes. She’d barely had enough time to make it the five or six steps to the toilet before she started getting violently sick. Initially, she’d been worried about being found out by J’onn. But luckily, the sound of the water appeared to be loud enough to drown out the sound of her retching. Kara was grateful. After all, the last thing she wanted was for J’onn to have to listen to her get sick over and over again.

Kara found herself getting weaker by the second as her body continued to turn itself inside out. It was rough. Mainly because whenever she thought she’d finally got a grip on the nausea - where she could just swallow it all back down and hold it inside - she’d lose it again and start the whole ordeal all over again.

Kara groaned in nothing short of agony as her stomach and abdominal muscles, as well as the muscles in her back, were forced into contraction over and over again. A thin sheen of sweat collected over her bare torso under the strain. She could feel the excess heat coursing through her neck and cheeks as she felt the beginnings of a bad headache. It was the kind of headache she knew all too well, now. In her opinion it was the worse kind of headache - one that started as a drone in the back of the head before slowly taking hold and increasing in intensity until it was nothing short of a blinding headache.

The air in the bathroom seemed to grow cooler against her bare torso, and shivers caused the muscles of her body into even more involuntary contractions. It just so happened that the skin at the nape of her neck felt each small wisp of the cool air caress the back of her neck.

She wasn’t quite sure if she liked the sensation or not.

Kara moaned in nothing short of absolute relief as her stomach muscles finally gave over and shifted into a state of relaxation, and she was given a brief respite.

She silently braced herself, the muscles in her body tightening in intense anxiety.

She spent the next minute completely frozen in position on the bathroom floor, half convinced that she was about to get sick again. She hardly dared to breathe.

Rao, she was so tired. She just needed for it to be over.

Kara was surprised when she remained unmoved. Her body remained in an almost peaceful state. Kara’s chest grew tight from a lack of fresh oxygen, and she could feel her mind getting foggy as it cried out for air. Kara finally gave in, taking a deep breath in through her mouth. Nothing changed. Kara let out a sigh of relief, and then took one greedy heaving breath, before finally feeling the relief and calmness wash over her.

Her chest was suddenly heaving, as her heart threatened to run away in her chest. She closed her eyes, and reached out blindly for the handle of the toilet. The toilet flushed, and Kara spit one final time into the swirling water. She was hoping to get rid of the unpleasant sour taste in her mouth.

She swallowed dryly and winced, feeling the sharp and intense pain rip through it. It felt like a knife was lodged in her throat. She knew to expect the soreness that was caused by the damage the acid had done to the back of her throat, but that hardly helped. Kara shifted, leaning back enough to pull her quavering legs out from underneath her body. She felt the familiar sensation of pins and needles that she knew was directly related to their previous bent state, and slowly stretched them out in an effort to remedy the unpleasant sensation.

She swallowed thickly, watching as the muscles trembled with weakness. Finally, she gave up and pulled them tight against her stomach, hoping to ease the radiating pain in her stomach and back. She was in pain and she was drained. Her entire body felt like dead weight. However, instead of making her feel like sleeping, the sensations only made her feel restlessness.

Kara slowly rotated her body, propping her back against the wall while she tried to gather up enough strength to climb up off of the floor. She sat there for several long minutes, watching the steam billow through the air around her. She reached for some toilet paper to wipe at the corner of her mouth and chucked it into the wastebasket.

Slightly dizzy, Kara struggled to her feet and straightened up, wiping the back of her hand over her eyes in an effort to wipe away the salty perspiration that was stinging them. She could only hope that she was finished with this part of the illness, as there wasn’t anything left in her stomach to get rid of.

She glanced over to the mirror, wondering what sort of image would come back to her, but thankfully the mirror was already coated with a thin sheen of vapor, obscuring her reflection. She put her hand on the sink to stabilize her as she slipped out of her underwear and stepped out of them before picking them up from the floor. She tossed them into the hamper, and walked over to the shower, opening the glazed, slightly transparent door.

She stumbled into the shower, groaning as the warm water met her aching shoulders. She closed her eyes and leaned forwards, letting her forehead knock against the cool surface and rest there. It felt heavenly against her feverish skin. She already felt so tired that she thought she might go to sleep. She stood there for a long time, just letting the water wash over her, as she silently wondered if this was just the beginning.

She felt her shoulders begin to shake, as she let herself drown in the pain for just a moment. She gave herself five minutes - five minutes to feel sorry for herself, before she forced herself out of it.

'Enough,' Kara told herself, before she reached up to wipe away the tears. 'Pull yourself together,' She ordered herself to some effect.

She struggled to keep her breathing even, as she let her thoughts wander to Lena. She couldn’t help but wonder if Lena was making progress. It was especially difficult not to think about now. She felt completely miserable and knew there was nothing she could to do remedy that. It was up to Lena, now.

After Kara realized how much water she was wasting, she stepped back and reached for the shampoo bottle. She squeezed a bit into her hands and lathered up her hair. She left the shampoo in her hair and reached out for the body wash. She cleaned her body methodically, while her mind started working through all of the things she still needed to do. Once she was finished, she rinsed her hair out, and began rinsing her body. Unfortunately, before she was finished rinsing off the soap, the water cut off unexpectedly. Kara let out a groan as she realized she was stuck now. She hit the button for the blowers, and was instantly blasted with jets of warm air.

A couple of minutes later, Kara stepped out of the shower. Her hair was in disarray, as it often was afterward, and so Kara reached up to pull it out of her face. She quickly realized this to be a massive mistake, however, when a clump of blonde strands came away in her hand.

Kara instantly froze, her heart stuttering in her chest as she let out a harsh breath. She felt tears spring to her eyes.

It just so happened that J’onn chose to knock at the door, at that exact moment.

“Kara?” his voice was soft, but concerned as he spoke, “Hey, is everything alright in there? You’ve been in there for a while now.” Kara stumbled over to her clothes and hastily pulled them on. She was pretty sure that her shirt was on inside out, but she didn’t really care. Kara emotionally steeled herself for a moment, before she opened the door.

“Everything is fine,” Kara lied, as she cracked open the door. “I just lost track of time.”

“Are you sure?” He asked worriedly, noting how her voice sounded devoid of all emotion.

“Yeah,” Kara nodded. She swallowed thickly, using the moment to gather some courage, before she non-nonchalantly began, “Hey… So I have kind of a dumb question. Do you have any clippers here? I mean… what do you guys usually use to cut your hair?” Then before waiting for an answer, she said, “I’m thinking I’d like to try a different hair-style.”

“Oh, Kara,” J’onn breathed, as if he already knew exactly what had happened to cause Kara's current emotional state. “It’s started falling out, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Kara breathed, as she met his knowing and sympathetic gaze.

“We'll fix it. I’ll get the clippers,” he told her. “Why don’t you go have a seat in the living room, while I do that,” he requested gently, “I’ll be right back.” Kara wordlessly nodded, and followed him out of the room, before settling in the space between the kitchen and the living room. He appeared a few minutes later, with the aforementioned item.

“So… I'm just curious. Do you have experience cutting hair?” Kara questioned, with a teasing lilt in her voice “I just want to make sure that you aren’t about to cut my ear off... or something.”

“I’m pretty sure it would be impossible for me to cut off your ear, Supergirl,” J’onn laughed. “Even with your weakened powers, I don’t think a pair of clippers is going to do you any damage.”

“The question still stands,” Kara told him. “It’s hard to explain, but I’m very protective of my hair. Just tell me I'm not going to look like some kind of freak show when you're done.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” J’onn scoffed, “Hey, I will have you know that I am excellent at cutting hair. In fact, I think you’ll like the way that I cut it so much, that you won’t want to go back to having it long.”

“You mean you aren’t just going to buzz it all off?” Kara questioned.

“No. Not if I can help it,” J’onn replied. “I’m going to try cutting it short, first. Longer hair tends to be more susceptible to stressors than short hair. We might be able to cheat the system and prevent you from losing it all. From what I saw, it looked like the strands just snapped off in your hand. They’re brittle. But if we cut them, it may give what’s left new life. Just trust me on this. If worse comes to worst, we can take it all off. But I want to give this a chance, first.”

“Okay,” Kara smiled at him, before saying, “I trust you.”

“You know…. I’ve always wondered how you got your hair cut when you have your powers,” J’onn began.

“Oh,” Kara breathed, “That’s easy. All it usually takes is a quick blast of my heat vision in the mirror, and I’m good. I usually just take an inch or two off the ends to keep it healthy. It’s probably pretty similar to what you’re about to do.”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say we’re going to be taking off a little more than a couple inches,” he laughed, “But you’re in good hands. I promise.”

Kara tried not to flinch as J’onn switched on the clippers, and she heard the buzz of the device held in his hand. She had to redouble her efforts not to get emotional as she watched the first strands of her blonde hair tumble to the floor. The long strands made a mess around them as he worked.

At some point during the ordeal, Kara just squeezed her eyes shut and began making her way through the Kryptonian alphabet as she tried to distract herself from the trauma of it all. It wasn’t until she heard the device switch off that her eyes sprang open again.

Kara took in a sudden sharp breath, as she took in the carnage. The floor around them was completely littered with long and short strands of blonde hair.

J’onn was silent for a moment as he appraised his work.

“Are you done?” Kara breathed in a tremulous voice.

“I think so,” he nodded. “Why don’t you go take a look?” he suggested. “Just be aware, it will probably seem like a bit of a shock to you at first. Just give it a minute to sink in, before you make a decision on whether you hate it or not.”

Kara didn’t even think to acknowledge his words, before she sprang off the stool and went rushing for her room. Kara hastily pushed through the door into her room, but hesitated before turning towards the mirror. She attempted to steel herself before she glanced over and looked into its reflective surface.

Kara gasped as she caught sight of herself for the first time. She scarcely recognized herself as she stepped closer. She watched in a daze as the figure in the mirror reached up to their hair. Kara swallowed, as her fingers raked through the strands on the top of her head. They were soft - softer than Kara remembered them ever being. J’onn had left it about two to three inches long on the top, with the sides and back being much shorter than the rest. Kara let her hand wander to the sides, admiring the way that the short sections felt against her fingers. It honestly felt a little like some of her paint brushes. It was strange.- a whole new world she had never even considered. In fact, she’s not sure she would have ever considered doing something like it, if it hadn’t been borne out of necessity.

But J’onn was right. She shockingly didn’t hate it.

“So…” J’onn’s voice startled Kara from her thoughts. She turned to find him leaning in the doorway, and half wondered how long he’d been standing there watching her. “What’s the verdict?”

“Uh… You did good,” Kara told him sincerely. “It looks really good.”

“And how does it feel?” he asked.

“Strange,” Kara answered truthfully and honestly. The one word seemed to cover all of it.

“I never imagined that it could feel so…” Kara’s voice trailed off. “I mean… I ran my fingers through Mon-El’s hair all of the time, but I never imagined…” Kara shook herself out of it. “It’s going to take some getting used to, but I think you’re right… I’ll get used to it. I might even come to like it once I get over the shock of it all.” Kara swallowed.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, “I can’t even imagine how all of this must feel.”

“It’s okay,” Kara told him, wishing her voice sounded as confident as she meant for it to sound. Unfortunately, her words didn’t hold the weight and sincerity in them that she wanted them to. They almost quavered.

Still, luckily enough for her, J’onn didn’t press matters. It’s like he knew that it wasn’t really okay, but he also wasn’t going to force her to admit such a thing.

He wasn’t going to rub her face in the pain of it all.

“I’m really proud of you, you know?” he told her. “Ever since we got here you’ve been trying so hard to keep going. You’ve been dealing with so much, but you haven’t given up or wallowed in self-pity. You’re handling it all extremely well.” Then, he continued, “That being said, I just want to say that if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. Whether you need a pep talk, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to yell at, I’m here.”

“I don’t want to yell at you, J’onn. I already did that once, remember? It didn’t help,” Kara laughed.

“I know… I just meant,” he began.

“I know what you meant,” Kara told him. “And I appreciate it. The truth is, I don’t know if I could do any of this without you… It honestly feels like you’re the only thing keeping me sane right now.” Kara took a breath. “When the symptoms first started, my first reaction was to panic. But you helped me through it. You were calm in the face of it all. You talked me through it. And I’m pretty sure that it’s because of you that I feel brave enough to keep going.”

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

National City... (The DEO - 21st Floor)

Present

“Damn it!” Lena huffs in absolute frustration, as she slams her hand down onto the top of the table in the main laboratory at the DEO.

Countless red warnings blink back at her from the computer screen as the program starts spitting out errors at her left and right. Lena quickly begins tabbing through every one at them, listening to the program tell her every single way in which she has failed. Lena has to take a moment to squeeze her eyes shut and just breathe, before she is finally able to calm herself enough to be able to continue.

She quickly looks over to the cage on the adjoining table, where the white field mouse they’d obtained for their experiments is housed, only to find that it was no longer moving. And Lena feels her heart instantly shatter. A closer look leaves little doubt in Lena’s mind as to what has happened, especially when she detects the blood around the mouse’s tiny nose and mouth. The mouse must have died at some point during the last several minutes, during the decontamination process.

It seems like the process they’d specifically designed in order to leach the radiation from its inhabitant without killing it, had failed. And there was no doubt about it now. Their latest experiment is an utter and complete failure. Another two weeks have been wasted, and Lena is quickly losing hope that she will ever see Kara again.

“God damn it,” Lena’s voice breaks as tears overflow in her eyes, and spill down her cheeks. She strikes the top of the table not once, not twice, but three times with the palm of her hand. She strikes it hard. She feels the sting of the pain shoot up her arm with the action, but she’s almost too upset to notice it.

“Lena,” Winn instantly attempts to comfort her.

“I – I really thought we’d done it,” Lena sniffles out, as she bows her head in defeat, planting her hands palm down on the icy surface. She takes in another quavering breath, feels her anger flare, and slams her hand back down on the table again, palm down. Lena nearly screams, as she feels the pain that shoots across the skin there as an immediate result. The numbness has worn off now. She’s feeling everything, and she almost wants to suffer for it.

An alarm starts going off in the room, warning them that radiation is seeping into the air, and Lena has had enough. She picks up the computer mouse from the table and hurls it at the nearest wall in a fit of anger. It hits the wall and shatters, scattering pieces all over the floor. Lena squeezes her eyes shut and struggles to breathe.

Winn flinches. And Lena wants to tell him that this isn’t her. She wants to explain that she’s never been this hostile, and never this angry. In fact, this isn’t her at all. But she’s frustrated. She’s devastated by her own failures, and she can’t seem to hold the pain inside anymore.

She really thought she’d done it. She really thought she’d found the answer, and that Kara could come home. But she couldn’t have been more wrong. In fact, it feels like they’re farther from an answer than they were before this latest experiment started.

Lena feels absolutely defeated.

It also doesn’t help that she hasn’t slept in god only knows how long.

“We need to get out of here,” Winn says in a calmed voice. Lena doesn’t acknowledge him, so he repeats the words more forcefully, this time using her name in order to grab her attention, “Lena, come on. We need to get out of here. The radiation is seeping out. It’s not safe. We have to go.”

He hears her curses follow him from the room as he flees, as she too realizes the problem. They have to evacuate, seal off the room, and decontaminate it, before they can begin to piece together where things all went wrong.

Nothing could ever prepare Winn for the look of pure anguish on Lena’s face, when she walks from the room several moments later. He’s never seen the woman come apart like this in front of him before. Her shoulders are shaking with suppressed sobs. She slams a button on the wall next to the door, and the rooms seals itself shut.

She fumbles with the panel on the wall next to the door for a few minutes, before Winn helpfully steps in.

“Here,” he offers, “Let me.” She watches with envy as he inputs the correct commands, with an ease she can’t currently fathom, and steps back.

Lena swallows back another sob, and makes her way away from the room, as her emotions overwhelm her. Then just as suddenly, Lena is trying to shove those emotions back into the depths where they cannot be seen by anyone.

“Lena,” Brainy’s soft voice sounds like something halfway between a plea, and a caress of comfort. Winn watches as Brainy reaches out for her. And part of Winn resents their closeness, especially since Lena never really let him in behind the walls she’d fortified around herself. But even Brainy can’t seem to offer her much comfort at the moment.

Winn watches in surprise, as Lena shrugs off Brainy’s touch like it's repulsive to her.

“Don’t,” Lena hisses from behind clenched teeth.

“Lena,” Brainy tries again, seemingly unwilling to give up so easily. “Look, I know how you’re feeling right now.”

“With all due respect,” Lena retorts angrily, “I don’t think you do know how I’m feeling right now.”

“Lena, please,” Alex buts in, hoping to ease the situation. “We know you’re hurt by what happened, okay? But this doesn’t change anything. We’ll figure it out… We will. Just don’t lose hope. Not now.”

“Stay out of this, Alex!” Alex is surprised to hear the amount of venom in Lena’s voice, even with the knowledge that Lena is not quite herself at the moment.

“She’s right, you know,” Winn replies quickly. “You need to calm down, and stop punishing yourself,” Winn says quietly.

“I’m not punishing myself,” Lena says as she looks at them, with anger in her eyes. “I am not punishing myself,” Lena nearly shouts, this time the words are much louder than before. “I know what you’re all thinking, okay? I know that you think I’ve completely lost it… But I’m supposed to feel like this. I’m supposed to feel this bad. Because this is my fault. It’s my fault. And I can’t even figure out a way to fix it! I’m fucking useless.”

“Lena,” Alex’s voice softens, before she lets out a sigh. Her eyes mist a little in sympathy. “Hey, listen to me. You’re smartest person I’ve ever met.” Lena can’t help but scoff. “Seriously, you are… you are fucking brilliant, okay? You’re probably the smartest person on this entire planet, and I know that you can do this. You will figure out a way to bring her home. You just have to stop thinking that it’s gonna happen overnight.”

“There’s no time, Alex!” Lena burst out finally, her voice broken and shrill in a way no one was used to hearing it. “You saw the updates J’onn sent back. They’re all textbook for radiation poisoning. She’s sick.”

“But... he also said that she’s stable for now, which means that there’s still time,” Alex argues back. “We still have a chance. But you constantly beating yourself up like this? Letting the negative emotions win out time and time again? It's not going to help with clarity of thought. I know that it’s hard, but you have to try and push it all out of your mind, okay? Otherwise, you’re right. You’re not going to be of much help to anybody.”

“Ask me again, and I'll deny it. But Alex is right,” Brainy cuts in, as he aims a pointed look in Alex's direction, with a wry smile on his face, “We’re all just doing the best we can, okay? But this is really tough. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and this problem that we’re trying to solve? Well, it won’t be solved in a day either. We just… we have to keep working on it. Okay? We’ll figure it out, Lena. We will. I have every bit of faith in that.” Lena just shakes her head, taking a step back.

“Lena-”

“Stop it,” Lena hisses. “Stop acting like I’m being too hard on myself,” Lena whispers at the top of her lungs, earning the looks of nearby DEO employees. “Look, It’s my fault she’s stuck on some god forsaken rock a hundred million miles away. It’s my fault that she nearly died. Not anyone else’s! Mine! Now tell me, how can you… how can you even-”

“Lena,” Alex wouldn’t give up trying to assert her point. She gasps as Lena nearly hits her, while shrugging off her touch.

“I told you not to touch me!” Lena snaps, drawing the eyes of everyone around them.

“Lena-”

Lena looks at her for a long moment in contempt; before finally shoving her way past the DEO’s new director and towards the door at the back of the hall. Alex finds the pain in her chest quite hard to accept as she watches Lena storm down the hallway.

This was about as bad as things could get.

Alex moves to go after her, but Brainy catches her around her upper arm in a rather vice-like grip, before she’s able to get too far. Alex struggles for a moment before Brainy speaks.

“Alex, no,” he commands softly, loosening his grip on her arm ever so slightly, “You have to let her go”.

“But I have to-” Alex's voice is desperate, as she feels an overwhelming need to comfort the brunette.

“Please,” Brainy speaks sternly, “Trust me on this. You do not want to be in close proximity of her right now. Let her go.”

“I hate to say this,” Winn cuts in, “But I think he’s right. She needs space right now. The Lena I saw in there? Is not the Lena we know. Something has happened. I think she finally broke.”

“Winn,” Alex’s panicked voice strikes a chord within him. “She’s… Look, I know I’m not supposed to get too involved, but I…”

“I know, Alex,” Winn nods, looking into her eyes. "I know how much this is killing you, but you can’t go after her. You’ll only make things worse if you try to do this now. I want to help her too, but we need to give her some time to calm down before we try to talk to her.”

“She needs someone,” Alex looks as if it is honestly killing her, but deep down she knows that Winn is right, and Lena will very likely rip her head off if she tries to talk to her too soon.

“I know,” Brainy says. “But what you don’t seem to realize is... Those emotions you just saw? She’s been keeping them inside and internalizing for the better part of the last two months. The guilt, especially. You need to give her some time to get it out before you try and talk to her about it, or it’s going to escalate into an even bigger mess.”

~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG ~SG

Lena’s breaths were labored as she burst into the stairwell.

She couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore, and noise after noise tore itself free from her throat. The pain she was feeling was raw, and Lena could barely hold herself up she was in so much pain.

Lena staggers over to the railing, grabbing onto it with a death grip in one hand, while lifting a hand to her face, in order to try and stifle her cries. As somebody starts to open the door to the stairwell, on the floor below her, Lena instantly abandons her spot and makes an instinctual decision to go up.

She is desperately in need of some fresh air and she reckons that the roof will be the safest, most secluded place to go. Lena starts bounding up the stairs as fast as she can go.

She reaches the top floor and pushes open the door just as the door to the door into the stairwell opens.

Alex looks to the phone lying on the bottom step, and swallows thickly over the lump in her throat. She takes a quick cursory look down and then up. With trembling fingers she picks up the phone and hefts it in her hand. The casing is distinctive and she knows it immediately. The biometric scanner on the bottom of the screen is Lena’s own creation. Alex lets out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding, and wonders where in the hell Lena has gone. She was seemingly MIA again. Lena seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

Alex wants to check the call logs, but decides that that will be a breach of privacy. Instead, she settles for trying to track her down. Instinct leads her down, and so she quickly thunders down the stairs towards the first floor.

Lena, meanwhile bursts through the reinforced steel door to the roof, and props it open with a heavy bucket before striding across the flat rooftop. She can hear all of the sounds of the city below, and looks over what has been left of the city. Rebuilding efforts are well underway, now, with companies from all over the world pitching in bodies and resources. This period had the potential to usher National City into a new age of prosperity and technology. Geniuses from all over the world were partnering with L-Corp in this new endeavor, and Lena… Lena should have been thrilled. And, perhaps, at any other time in her life, she would have been. But Lena found that Lena Luthor’s life without Kara Danvers, was an empty one.

Lena suddenly can’t help but look up into the sky, peering for that little orange dot in the twilight sky. She suddenly can’t help but wonder if Kara was doing the same, looking for the little blue dot in Mars’ sky, tens of millions of miles away.

Lena suddenly feels dwarfed by the universe, and sinks down in an old chair that must have been abandoned by someone in the department. She covers her face with her hands and tries to calm herself enough to stop the tears. She finally lets out an angry growl, a sort of strangled scream that forces its way from her body in protest. She felt like such a jerk for yelling at her friends. And yet, that was only a small piece of the anger and the helplessness that she was feeling. She felt like she’d hardly scratched the surface of it all. It was just too much. No matter how she tried to play the situation. It was all too much to take in at once.

Lena lets out a ragged breath as she fists her hair in her hands and lets out another involuntary scream.

She sits there for several minutes, just breathing. In. Out. In. Out. She’s desperately trying to compartmentalize her emotions. Only she realizes she can’t. She can’t make herself into a mindless, emotionless robot, no matter how much she might want to at the moment. She’s human. And Lena may be a genius, but she couldn’t fix that. She couldn’t… not feel everything she was feeling. She was nothing more than a slave to the pain, the anger, and the hurt... just like everybody else. And Lena knew that she would be for a very long time.

“This is your fault, Kara,” Lena breathes out into the night air. “I used to be able to do this! I used to be able to not feel anything. I used to be able to put all of my feelings into tiny little boxes, and hide them away. And then you had to go and... make me feel everything...” Lena lets out a roar of anger. “God, I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me!” Lena tries to stand up from the chair and drops to her knees, letting out a roar of a sob.

“Shh,” Lena squeezes her eyes shut, as she feels arms wrap around her from the side. If she tries not to think about it too much, she can almost imagine that it's Kara’s arms around her. “Shh,” the soft voice soothes in her ear, as they pull Lena into them.

“I’m sorry,” Lena cries, “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” Alex’s voice is gentle as she rocks them back and forth on the concrete.

“It’s just… I miss her so damned much, you know?” Lena’s voice is rough as she tries to speak through the tears. “She… She was everything to me, and I… I didn’t know. I didn’t fucking know it until it was already too late.”

“Hey,” Alex breathes. “Hey,” tries again, “You were everything to her, too. She… She may not have been able to tell you until the end, but my sister fucking adored you, Lena. She would have given anything to be with you.”

They stay there like that for what seems like hours, but in the context of actual time, it is only a few minutes. After a long period of silence, Alex asks Lena something that causes her to shatter even further.

“Listen, I know it’s not the same, but do you want me to call James?” Alex offers gently, “Have him come take you home?”

“Oh,” Lena looks suddenly horrified. “You...you don’t know.”

“Know what?” Alex looks genuinely confused.

“I… We broke up,” Lena answers finally, “Like a month ago.”

“What?” Alex looks genuinely surprised.

“He didn’t understand why I was so upset after...” Lena has to stop for a moment, before she can continue. “We were arguing in my office and he said that he didn’t understand why I was still holding onto what happened. He kept saying that Kara was his friend too, but that he wasn’t acting cold, distant, and hostile all of the time. And then I told him everything. I told him that, ‘She wasn’t just a friend to me, I was in love with her.’”

“Oh shit, Lena,” Alex sounds horrified. “You really said that to him?”

“Yeah, I did,” Lena answers with minor detachment. “We were already struggling at that point, of course, but I think that that was ultimately the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.”

“Why didn’t you… Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I...I don’t know,” Lena says honestly, “I guess I just didn’t know how to. I’ve been so focused on trying to find a way to bring her home, that my personal life didn’t seem all that important.”

“I know,” Alex responds, “But it is important. Because all this time, I’ve been thinking that you had this additional support system that you don’t actually have.”

“It’s not your fault, Alex,” Lena says finally. “You’ve had plenty on your plate, and so have I… It’s not your responsibility to take care of me.”

“But it is,” Alex protests. “It fucking is. Because it’s one of the last things I promised her, Lena. And one thing you should know about me, is that I don’t break my promises, especially not when it comes to my baby sister.” Alex starts getting up from the ground.

“Come on,” Alex orders her as she holds out a hand for Lena to take, just letting it float in the air in front of Lena's face invitingly. Lena graciously takes it a moment later.

“What are you doing?” Lena asks as she feels herself pulled upwards. “Where are we going?”

“To a place that is going to make both of us feel better,” Alex answers, as she grabs Lena by the hand. “Now, come on.”

When Alex pulls up to Kara’s apartment building, Lena is still in daze. In fact, it isn’t until Alex is opening her car door, and ordering her out of the car that it really sinks in. She hasn’t been to Kara’s place in the better part of two months.

“Lena?” Lena is suddenly jolted out of her thoughts as she hears Alex’s voice. And she can tell from the way that Alex is looking at her, that it isn’t the first time her name had been spoken.

“Sorry,” Lena murmurs as she quickly unfastens her seatbelt and steps out of the car.

“It’s alright,” Alex tells her. She makes idle chit-chat with Lena as she leads her up the stairs and towards the front door. Lena almost freezes as she notices the caution tape spanning the entrance.

"Why is there police tape cordoning off the entrance?" Lena asked curiously, as Alex ducks under it.

“So…. uh.... full disclosure,” Alex breathes a moment later, once Lena confirms that she's noticed, “I didn’t want to tell you this, because I knew it would upset you. But the building suffered heavy damage during the final battle. The foundation and some of the supports have been damaged. Because of that, it will have to be torn down in the near future.” Then she pauses for just a moment, allowing Lena to process before continuing, “That being said... it’s still standing, and Kara’s apartment is in relatively good condition considering.”

"What?!" Lena's voice was sharp, as the shock of the knowledge set in. “Has it been condemned?” Lena questions. “I mean... do you know if the structure can be saved?”

“Lena,” Alex sighs, “Hey, I didn’t tell you all of this because I want or expect you to fix the problem. I’m only telling you this because there’s a small bit of danger that comes with us going inside of the building, and I want you to be able to decide if you're comfortable with it or not.”

“But it is a problem,” Lena says with an impassioned voice. “It’s a huge problem, Alex. You literally just told me that they’re gonna tear it down – that Kara is about to be homeless.” Lena almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all. “God! She just can’t catch a break, can she? I mean she literally saved the world, and she’s about to lose everything. She’s about to lose the only place she ever felt home.”

“No,” Alex cuts in forcefully, wholeheartedly denying that statement. “You see, that’s where you’re wrong," Alex corrects her, "Because the one thing you don’t seem to realize is that Kara’s home isn’t a place, Lena. It’s not a thing. It’s in the people she loves.”

Lena just shakes her head.

“I'm telling you," Alex asserts, "That having a home means something different to her than it does to you and I, because of what she’s been through.” Alex then explains, “She values the people she loves above all else. I promise you. She’ll be okay. I mean… Yeah, it sucks that she’ll have to find a new place when she gets back. But what is important is that we’re all still here. We’re all still okay. Because that’s the thing. A building can be rebuilt. But a life?”

Lena’s voice is almost mournful as she says, “But it’s hers.”

“I know,” Alex agrees. “I know, but at least she hasn’t lost everything. She’s still got all of her stuff.”

“I know you said that you didn’t tell me because you expected me to do something,” Lena says, “But I hope you understand that I have to. At the very least I have to try and see if it can be saved. I mean... who knows? Maybe the damage can be fixed – maybe it’s not a complete loss.”

“We still have to pack up her stuff and get it out of the way,” Alex explains. “I’ve been packing up what I can in the spare time I’ve had, but it’s been pretty slow going.”

“Let’s go inside,” Lena tells her in a determined voice, “I’ll help you.”

And that’s how Lena finds herself inside of Kara’s apartment, putting all of Kara’s stuff into boxes.

Every so often, Lena finds something noteworthy that she asks Alex about. Of course, Alex is all too happy to tell her about the stories that go along with them. And Lena? Well, she appreciates every little tidbit of information she gets – everything that she gets to know about Kara. Because she realizes now that there’s still so much that doesn’t know about the woman who captured her heart.

Hours later, when they’ve worked themselves to absolute exhaustion, Lena finds herself shoulder to shoulder with Alex on the floor, leaning against the front of the couch.

“You're not the only one who is angry at her, you know? I’ve been angry at her, too,” Alex tells her finally, causing Lena’s head to snap towards hers.

“What?” Lena almost gasps at the unexpected information. “But why?”

“She lied to me,” Alex says in a thick voice. “She knew what was going to happen to her, and she didn’t tell me. She let me think that she would be okay - that she wasn’t the one in danger, but she always was.”

Lena opens her mouth to speak, but closes it quickly when she realizes that she doesn’t know what to say. Lena clenches her jaw, as she struggles with what to say. There seems to be a million thoughts and feelings rushing through her mind, but it’s like she's so overwhelmed by them all that she can’t pick a single one out in order to focus on it. She wants desperately to offer Alex the comfort that she knows Alex is wanting. But she's failing miserably.

“Mon-El told me she’d been having visions of her death,” Alex says as she brushes away the tears, “For months before the battle.”

“Oh, I…. I thought she told you. I mean she said that she told you,” Lena is honestly shocked, and it comes across in her tone of voice, and her words.

“About one vision,” Alex shakes her head sadly, “Not the others. Not the one that really counted - the one where she…. you know.”

“Oh God, Alex,” Lena feels undeniably guilty now, “I thought you knew. She… She told me about the visions. Hell, she told me everything, but I didn’t realize that she’d kept it from you.” Lena is honestly completely baffled by the information and says, "It really doesn't make any sense. Why would she tell me and not you?"

“Because I think she knew that telling you was inconsequential,” Alex whispers, “Your relationship with her was so tenuous at that point that she probably figured you wouldn’t care about it.”

“But that’s just it. I did care,” Lena argues. “Gosh, I really wanted to be able to just be mad at her, you know?" Lena admits to Alex, "I wanted to hate her. But in the end, I couldn’t. Like I said before, I never stopped caring about her. In fact, I found that I cared a lot more deeply about her than I was ever prepared to admit.” Lena swallows thickly over the sudden lump in her throat, before admitting, “When she told me, it’s like I couldn’t even process what she was telling me. The truth is, the thought of something happening to Supergirl was so painful that I didn’t want to believe it could actually happen. I just couldn’t even let myself think of the possibility.”

“Yeah,” Alex breathes.

“Hey,” Lena says gently, as she takes Alex’s hand into her own and gives it a squeeze. “I know you’re upset, and you have every right to feel that way. But I also think I understand why she didn’t tell you.” Lena pauses for a brief moment, before continuing, “I think she kept it from you, because she knew that if you’d had any idea about what was going to happen, that you would put yourself in danger to protect her. She knew how much you loved her – knew what lengths you would go to to save her - and she didn’t want you to sacrifice yourself for her.”

“I think that that’s the thing I’m most mad about. Because she was right. I would have tried to stop it,” Alex admits. “The truth is, I would have done just about anything to stop it. And I would have done it without a second thought.”

“I know,” Lena breathes gently, before pulling Alex into a hug.

“We talked a few days before the battle,” Alex says softly, so softly Lena can barely make out the words. Alex quietly and patiently recalls the memory, “It was shortly after she was supposed to meet with you in order to go over the specs for the new Supersuit,"

"I remember," Lena recalls, breathlessly, "She never showed."

“Yeah," Alex nods. "I... I found her in the basement,” Alex reveals to her, as they both slowly pull out of the hug, “She was hiding away from everyone, and I was so confused. I mean... I’d never known Kara to hide from anything or anyone. The truth is, I don’t know why the memory has stuck with me in the way it has. But I think it’s because it has been a matter of frustration for me. It’s just… she was so distraught, and I couldn’t figure out why. Of course now, in hindsight, I realize that it’s probably because it was all sinking in. She knew she was running out of time, and she wasn’t prepared for it.”

“It’s not an easy thing,” Lena says, “to be faced with your own mortality. I would have been shocked if Kara was ready for what she knew was coming.”

“God, Lena. She was so scared.” Alex sniffles into the back of her hand, as she tries to wipe away the tears. “I keep replaying that memory in my mind over and over, just wishing I’d known. There’s so much I would have said, if I’d had any idea that it might be one of the last times we had together. I mean... Can you imagine? You know you’re about to die, but you can’t do anything to stop it.”

“Hey,” Lena murmurs softly against her, “You’re forgetting something. We did stop it. She isn’t dead, Alex. Despite not knowing everything you still found a way to save her. She’s still alive because of you.”

“But only because Brainy and Mon-El interfered,” Alex admits.

“Wait, what?” Lena gasps in shock. "What do you mean?" Lena can't help but question.

“Nothing,” Alex shakes her head. “Sorry, forget I said anything.”

“No,” Lena presses, “I’m genuinely curious. I thought you said that you were the one that designed the radioactive isotope.”

“That’s the thing. I am and I’m not,” Alex admits, “I’d like to be able to take all of the credit, but it wasn’t just me. Brainy approached me. He said that he saw a potential necessity for drastic measures. He didn’t tell me about what he knew, of course. He didn’t tell me that Reign was going to kill her. He just told me that we needed something to increase Kara’s chances of success. We only had a few days to work with, so we pulled from some old designs - from something I'd designed before.”

“You wouldn’t know this,” Alex shares, “But I once created a yellow sun grenade to help restore Kara’s powers when she was trapped on a planet with a red sun. It was a place called Slaver's moon. The people there were auctioning off aliens into slavery. Kara got stuck there without her powers, and she needed help fighting back against their captors."

“Oh, wow,” Alex can tell that Lena is instantly intrigued.

“We… knew that we needed something similar,” Alex explains, “The problem is… we worried that the sun’s energy wouldn’t be enough to cover our bases this time. We needed something that could restore her powers and heal massive internal trauma. So we created something stronger – something that could be injected directly into the body. Unfortunately, we ran out of time. We only had a few days – and, like I said, didn’t have enough time to make it safe enough for humans. Brainy and I decided to keep it as a back-up option anyway.”

“So, wait a minute. You’re saying Brainy knew Kara was going to die,” Lena chokes out. For whatever reason, she finds this new information a hard pill to swallow.

“Yeah,” Alex replies, “I guess the Legion had a database on their ship that they were pulling information from. They knew Kara was going to die in the final fight with Reign, because there was no mention of Supergirl after the final battle. It’s why Mon-El came back.”

“Whoa, Lena,” Alex’s voice pulls Lena out of whatever dark place she’d been going to, when she says, “You’re kind of crushing my hand.” Lena instantly releases her hold, with a soft gasp.

"I'm sorry," Lena tells her with a strained voice, "I didn't mean-"

“You’re angry, too,” Alex observes.

“He didn’t tell me,” Lena splutters, trying to cope with the surge of anger and bitterness that go rushing through her. It almost feels like she’s been betrayed, and Lena doesn’t know how to deal with it, “I…. I thought we were friends, and he kept it from me.”

“Hey,” Alex’s voice softens, “You guys are friends. We all are.” Then, she pauses for a moment before continuing. “Look, it’s easy to turn on each-other when you're hurt. But you have to understand. We were all put in an impossible situation. And we all did the best we could with what we had.”

“But-” Lena begins, but Alex doesn’t let her go there.

“Look,” Alex begins, “I guess the reason that I told you all of this, is because I want you to realize something. We are all responsible - in our own way - for what happened to Kara. This isn’t just your fault, Lena. It’s mine, and Brainy’s, and Mon-El’s, and Reign’s, and everyone else’s. You think it’s your fault because of the Kryptonite, but it’s not. God... I hate to say this, but I think Kara was right. I think she was always fated to fall. It’s like her fate was always intertwined with Reign’s. And I need you to stop blaming yourself and dissolving into self-hatred at the first sign of trouble, because it’s slowing you down.”

“Okay,” Lena exhales.

“Okay?” Alex verifies, just wanting to make sure that she’s heard Lena correctly.

“Yeah,” Lena repeats. “I hear you. It’s just… it’s so hard not to feel like I’m failing her. She has all this faith in me, and I’m just…”

“Exactly as tenacious, and strong, and intelligent as she thinks you are,” Alex finishes for her.

“I miss her,” Lena repeats her words from earlier, “Even being here at her place just doesn’t feel right. I miss her smell. I miss her voice. I miss her smile, and I miss her laugh.” She pauses for a moment, “I mean… I’ve already played the message she left for me about a thousand times, but it never seems like it’s enough.”

"Well," Alex responds. "The good news is I think I can solve two of those things right now," Alex tells her before getting to her feet. Lena watches as she pulls something out of one of the boxes. It appears to be Kara's favorite blanket. "It still smells like her," Alex says as she walks over and drapes it over Lena's shoulders. 

Lena instantly lifts the material to her nose and inhales, her eyes closing and her body shivering as she realizes that Alex was telling the truth. It smells just like Kara.

"What's the other problem you can solve?" Lena asks her curiously as she opens her eyes, in order to find Alex sitting next to her again. She almost wonders how long she'd zoned out, because she hadn't heard any of Alex's movements after closing her eyes.

“Hang on,” Alex says as she pulls out her phone. “I think I’ve got something you might enjoy, but I’ve got to find it first.” Lena waits as Alex searches through her phone for something, before letting out a victorious “Ah hah!” She then hands the phone over to Lena and says. “It’s from the last Karaoke night we had.”

With trembling hands, Lena fumbles with the device for a moment before her thumb finds the play button.

The video footage is kind of grainy due to the low lighting in the bar. But she can clearly see Kara standing on the stage, looking incredibly beautiful. Lena watches as Kara fumbles with the microphone for a moment, and a bit of feedback goes screeching through the speakers.

Every so often she sees the video shake ever so slightly, and realizes that Alex had probably filmed it while in an inebriated state.

Lena swallows over the sudden lump in her throat as Kara speaks into the microphone for the first time.

“Uh... hey, everyone,” Kara says in a soft voice. “I don’t usually dedicate my performances to anyone, but….this time I'd like to. This one goes out to all of those out there who are going through a tough time right now. I just want you to know. You are not alone.” She then looks over to the guy at the computer and says, “Hit it, Charlie.” Lena waits with rapt attention as she hears the first piano chords come over the speakers.

Lena hears only six chords play before Kara is coming in with a low, gentle voice.

“Have you ever felt like nobody was there?,” Kara asks in a melodic voice. “Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?” She asks with a soft, beautiful vibrato, “Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear.”

The background music, and the production was shockingly sparse for a karaoke song. But then again, Lena could already tell that Kara’s voice was more than capable of carrying the song on her own. She only wishes she had known how absolutely beautiful Kara’s voice was when she sang. Because if she had, she would have made Kara sing for her at every opportunity.

“Well,” Kara’s voice came back in after a short pause, “let that lonely feeling wash away.” Her voice seems more optimistic as she says, “Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay. 'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand.” Kara’s voice was building momentum now, and Lena could feel the meaning behind every word, “You can reach, reach out your hand.” And in the video Kara is doing just that, reaching out towards the audience as if to grasp someone’s hand.

“And oh-oh, someone will coming running,” Kara tells her in a passionate voice, “And I know, they'll take you home.” And just like that Lena is crying. She’s crying her eyes out, and she can’t even bring herself to care. Because it suddenly feels like Kara’s there with her. It feels like Kara is speaking to her, and it’s everything.

“Even when the dark comes crashing through,” Kara continues to sing to her, “When you need a friend to carry you. And when you're broken on the ground. You will be found.” Lena feels a sob escape her as Alex pulls her closer, and wraps an arm around her.

“So let the sun come streaming in,” she hears Kara implore her, “'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again. Lift your head and look around. You will be found.” Lena listens as Kara sings this particular phrase over and over again, her voice caressing each note with just the right amount of depth.

As the song continues, Kara really finds her stride. Some of the later verses shift higher into her register, and really let Kara show what she can do with her voice. Needless to say, she hits it out of the park.

There's a place where we don't have to feel unknown
And every time that you call out
You're a little less alone

If you only say the word

From across the silence your voice is heard

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
When you're broken on the ground
You will be found
So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
If you only look around
You will be found (You will be found)
You will be found (You will be found)
You will be found

Lena listens to the rest of the song in an emotional daze, as she lets the tears just fall. And it’s the most beautiful thing she’s had the privilege of experiencing. (For a long, long time.)

When the song is over, Lena wipes away her tears, before saying, “I had no idea she could sing like that.”

“Yeah. I forgot that you haven’t been to karaoke night before,” Alex says with a sense of sadness. "I just thought that this song might make you feel a little better."

“She invited me out a few times,” Lena breathes, “But I couldn’t ever seem to make it, with work being so crazy.” 

"Well," Alex chuckles, "Maybe that's for the best. Cause if you had gone, she would have made you get up on the stage and sing. And you've told me multiple times that you don't sing."

"Yeah," Lena replies. "She has this gift for making me wanna do things outside of my comfort zone."

"It's another lesser known superpower of hers," Alex reveals. "The Kara pout can break down even the strongest resistance."

"Oh, yes," Lena laughs, "I know the Kara pout well."

"She'd give you that signature Kara pout, and the next thing you knew, you'd be up on stage belting your heart out," Alex continues.

"Oh god, I can already imagine it," Lena says with an undeniable mirth in her voice. "Still, now I regret not going," Lena sighs, "I would have given anything to be there for that."

“Hey,” Alex says, with a gentle squeeze of Lena’s shoulder, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Lena shakes her head, “I’m especially bummed now that I know what I’ve been missing.”

“Yeah,” Alex agrees.

“Barry always joked that Kara should list singing as one of her superpowers,” Alex tells her.

“She really should,” Lena says emphatically. “God... I could listen to her sing forever.”

“Well, I’ll send it to you so you can listen to it whenever,” Alex promises, “I might even have a few other recordings in my phone somewhere.”

“That would be amazing,” Lena smiles. “Thank you, Alex.” Then, Lena seems to realize something. "Wait a second. Who is Barry?"

"Oh! You'd love Barry," Alex smiles. She takes a deep breath, before telling Lena all about Kara's other Superhero friends.

Out of the shadows
The morning is breaking
And all is new, all is new
It's filling up the empty
And suddenly I see that
All is new, all is new

Listen to the song that Kara sang in this one: Here!

Chapter Text

Lena seems to be caught up in her own little world, as she feverishly scribbles away on the large smart-board in one of the DEO’s largest laboratories. She can vaguely hear the door whoosh open and closed behind her, its metal components whirring every so slightly in the background of her awareness. Lena's tired. And so she lets her eyes close for a moment, as she focuses on the comforting sounds of the liquids boiling away on the next table over. If she focuses her hearing even further, she can hear the small sound of the bunsen burners, and on the faint tinkling of glass, as Brainy pours the liquid from one beaker into another one of the Erlenmeyer flasks. It's comforting.

Lena has always found the laboratory to be her happy place - her safe space. It was the one place in the world that she seemed to be able to shut out the rest of the world - to free herself of all of the expectations that came with her name. In a laboratory, she could let her imagination and her thoughts go wild. She could predict how most things would go - how chemicals and compounds would combine with other substances, how physical substances would behave under certain conditions. In a room such as the one she was in now, she knew what to expect. And she took comfort in that fact.

Lena lets out a soft exhale, as her eyes open once more. Her head tilts backwards as she glances at the equation on the top of the board, and continues solving for the formula. She can’t stop a soft tutting noise from escaping the back of her throat, as she realizes she’s made an error somewhere along the way, likely because she's sleep deprived and hungry. Because of her fatigue, she knows her focus is slightly lacking. She's trying to fight it. But she's only human, and mistakes are inevitable. Lena quickly crosses the piece of the formula out with her stylus marker, and watches as the lines magically disappear from the wall, before she continues her previous line of thought. She can hear the faint scrape of the stylus across the wall, as she quickly fills in the rest of the formula with a punctuated flourish. 

Lena adorably tilts her head to the side, as she listens to the soft footsteps that make their way across the floor behind her, quickly closing the remaining distance between them. Lena finds herself shooting a quick glance in the interloper’s direction, as she attempts to discern if it were Winn, or someone else joining them. Of course, she feels a bit silly when she realizes that it's Alex joining them in the room. After all, Lena feels that she should know better by now. Because the fact of it is, Winn often trundled around like a toddler, with little regard for how much noise he was making, whereas Alex was always light on her feet due to her extensive military training. Alex often moved gracefully, as if she were prepared for an attack to come her way at any given moment. It was as if the short-haired Brunette never truly let her guard down. Lena both admired her, and pitied her for it.

Lena quickly turns her attention back to the board, and takes a quick step backwards in order to appraise her work. A small hum of appreciation and pleasure escapes her, as she quickly determines her work to be good. Without realizing it, Lena gives herself a faint nod of approval, drawing Alex's gaze. A small smile crosses Alex's face at the sight. It a small quirk of the lips. It's nothing dramatic. But she finally feels as if she's learning all of Lena's small quirks and habits.

Lena lets out a weighted breath, as she sets the stylus down on the small tray at the bottom of the board. Her fingers skate along the rippled metal, its temperature cool against Lena's fingertips.

For a moment - just a moment, Lena lets herself appreciate just how far they've come in two weeks time.

But it’s about more than that. 

Lena feels really good about what they’re doing.

She finds that her thoughts have been a lot more ordered and concise, since her talk with Alex in Kara’s apartment almost two weeks ago.

And because of that. They’re getting closer. They’re getting much closer to finally bringing Kara home. 

She would never go so far as to say that the last two weeks had been easy. Because obviously they haven’t been. But at the very least, Lena can say that they’d been productive. It had required Lena to humble herself - to admit that their current approach had failed, and that they needed to throw out almost all of their research because they’d been approaching everything the wrong way. 

It had taken multiple tense discussions (one might even call them arguments) with the others, in order to reach that particular conclusion. But eventually they’d come to a unified decision. And Lena was reminded of a powerful lesson. Sometimes you just have to admit when you’ve failed, and try another way to move forwards - to succeed.

Instead of focusing on a singular process to remove the radiation from Kara’s system, what Lena and the others realized they really needed, was a multi-tiered one. She needed to take Alex’s advice from months ago. She needed to stop being overwhelmed by all of the problems they needed to solve. What they needed, was to focus on solving one problem at a time.

And it went something like this:

Step one: Find a substance that shares a high affinity for the radioactive isotope they used in the Super-shot they’d given Kara.

Step two: Use the affinity of this particular substance, in order to pull the radiation out of Kara’s cells and organs, and into her blood. 

Step three: Expel the radiation from Kara’s body, via any route possible (i.e. blood, sweat, urine, and feces).

Of course, all of these plans have been broken down into their most basic parts for us lay-people. But as you might expect, all of the science involved in carrying out these particular processes is a bit more complex. And Lena knows that developing these processes will be excruciatingly difficult. They will have to be scientific pioneers, if you will.

She knows that it will take all of the best minds that the world has to offer. Which is why the smartest thing Lena could have done is recruit Brainy and Winn to the cause (as well as Alex and Eliza). 

Alex, in turn, had suggested some additional help in the way of some of the extended Super-family including Dr. Caitlin Snow, Felicity Smoak, and Ray Palmer. And Lena has been happily corresponding with them ever since. Cailin’s forte seemed to be in medicine. Sure, she didn’t have much experience treating super-powered aliens, but she did have a lot of experience in treating meta-humans (which weren’t far off from Aliens, if you ask her). She was also good with theory, and seemed somewhat knowledgeable about the theoretical processes that would be needed to purge Kara of the radiation; Felicity’s niche was helping with R&D. After all, she was responsible for procuring most of the medical equipment that they’d acquired so far - all stuff they were fairly sure that they might need for Kara’s treatment. And Ray? Well, Ray was a lot like Lena in that he dealt with theoretical science, physics, and mathematics. Honestly, Lena thinks they could have been the best of friends if they’d existed in the same universe. 

Lena and Brainy had quickly taken over the first step of the process, and were trying to design and synthesize a chemical compound. Winn was managing the information from all of the experiments they’d run so far. And Alex was supervising all of it. It was Alex and Eliza’s job to share their in-depth knowledge of the biological processes Kara’s body required to function as a Kryptonian with the others as they worked. It was their job to make sure nothing vital was overlooked.

I feel like I'm at standstill waiting for you to tell me I'm ok

If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself

Tryna show you I'm not a mistake

I've got qualities that I'm not proud of

I've made promises that I walked out on

I've had days I feel I don't deserve love

So think what you think, just don't call me a

“So, how’s it going in here?” Alex is careful not to ask too loudly, as she sets down a cardboard carrier full of coffee on one of the free counter-tops along the back wall, and quickly plucks one of the cups from the cardboard container. She’s very conscious of the volume of her voice. Mainly because she doesn’t want to spook Brainy into dropping any of the glassware currently clutched in his hands.

Lena starts to answer, her Irish accent coming through just a little bit in her words, “Dare I say….,” before she hesitates for a moment, afraid she’s going to jinx it.

One thing that Alex was quickly learning about Lena was that her Irish lilt tended to slip through when she was tired, or feeling particularly stressed.

“Dare you say, what?” Alex questions, pushing for the younger woman to finish the thought.

“I think that it’s going well,” Lena finally finishes with an almost hopeful and longing look on her beautiful face. Alex couldn't help but notice the way that Lena looked at the board, with a hint of hunger and impatience on her face.

Alex can sense it in the air. 

“Yeah?” Alex sounds almost hopeful herself, as she slowly carries one of the paper cups over to Lena, her boots clicking on the smooth tiled floor. Lena continues to appraise her work, double and triple-checking that she couldn’t spot any additional errors in her work. Lena feels herself pulled out of her own mind, as Alex gives Lena’s shoulder a gentle nudge with her own, urging the Ravenette to reach out and take the coffee out of her hand. At first, Lena gives Alex a cursory glance, and then an appreciative smile as she realizes what the other woman is trying to do.

“Thanks,” Lena says gently, as she accepts the coffee gratefully. She lifts the cup up in a small gesture of thanks, and then takes a small sip from the plastic lid.

Lena feels her own body revolt at the scalding temperature of the liquid held inside, and almost spits out the liquid reflexively. It’s piping hot - and Lena thinks that she may have just badly burnt her tongue - but she manages to override her body’s own instincts, and chokes down the liquid at the last moment. It costs her though. It’s like her body gets confused on what do do, and because of that, some of the liquid goes down the wrong pipe and into her airway.

“Careful,” Alex warns her just about five seconds too late, “It’s really hot.”

Lena wants to hiss out a sarcastic remark about Alex’s warning coming just a little too late. Unfortunately, she’s too busy coughing; she’s trying to clear the rest of the liquid out of her airways. She can’t seem to hide the wince, at how much it hurts.

“Shit,” Alex looks suddenly sheepish, and almost concerned for Lena’s well-being. “Are you okay?” Alex asks Lena, as she starts gently clapping Lena on the back between her shoulder-blades.

“I’m fine…I’m fine,” Lena chokes out between coughs. “Some of it just went down the wrong way,” she explains. “I wasn’t exactly prepared for how hot it was. And when I tried to swallow, it was like my body was torn between trying to spit it out, or choke it down.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Alex apologizes earnestly, “I swear I wasn’t trying to kill you.”

“No?” Lena’s brow arches dangerously above her right eye, as a faint smile adorns her lips, “You sure this wasn’t your genius plan to take out the youngest Luthor?”

“Okay,” Alex looks mildly offended now, scoffing at the mere suggestion, “First of all, I really wasn’t expecting you to try and inhale it.” This promptly earns Alex some boisterous laughter from the younger woman. “And secondly, I really hate how you joke about that kind of stuff,” Alex says with a shake of her head. But she’ll be damned if there isn’t a smile on her face too. “It’s fucked up. You know that right?”

“Eh,” Lena shrugs, “I’ve decided to lean into the whole 'Luthor' thing,”

“Please don’t,” Alex begs her sincerely, “Because you’re so much more than your name, Lena. Kara was right about that one. And I don’t think she’d like it if she heard you joking about that stuff.”

“Fine,” Lena finally agrees, as she meets Alex's sincere doe-like gaze, “You’re probably right. Still, I reserve the right to make as many cutting remarks about my family as I please. It’s cathartic for me.” 

“Deal,” Alex says with a wry smile, as she holds out her hand for Lena to shake. Lena happily takes it. Alex's hand is warm in her own. The brunette's fingers are slightly roughened from her work. But she likes the feeling of contrast to her own delicate fingers.

When they’re done shaking, Alex attempts to take the coffee cup from Lena’s hand, half convinced that the Ravenette won’t want any more coffee after “the incident” as she has decided to call it.

Lena makes a soft tutting noise in the back of her throat as she quickly pulls the coffee cup back, just out of Alex’s reach.

“And just what do you think you are doing?” Lena questions, with a hint of laughter in her voice. “Trying to get rid of the evidence of your nefarious deeds, Agent Danvers?”

“Jeez,” Alex scoffs, “Hey, I...I was just trying to help! I didn’t think you’d want any more of the coffee, since it just about killed you two minutes ago. But obviously I was wrong.” Then, sarcastically, she mutters, “I’m sorry for trying to help you. I promise I won’t make that mistake again.”

“Sorry, Alex,” Lena says, “But you should know by now that I’m very protective of my coffee. And I’m not about to let anything get in the way of me finishing it….not even you.”

“Just promise me you won’t try to inhale it this time?” Alex says with just a hint of levity in her voice. “I mean…I know you love coffee, like you like oxygen. But I promise you, they are two very different things.”

“I’ve been up all night,” Lena tells the older woman, with a roll of her green-blue eyes. “I’m pretty sure that I’m going to try and inhale anything you put in front of me right now.”

“Well,” Alex begins, “In that case, I brought you guys some bagels, too. But please do try and avoid choking on them." Then, "I’d really hate to have to do the Heimlich maneuver on you right now.”

“Thanks,” Lena says with a small little flourish, and a smile, “Me and my stomach appreciate you.”

Alex watches apprehensively, as Lena takes another greedy pull from the cup. She lets out a small mewl of satisfaction, as she tastes the richness of the coffee’s flavor. She hadn’t been able to appreciate it fully earlier, mainly because it was so hot. But now that it had had a couple of minutes to cool down, it was perfect. Alex was exceptional when it came to making coffee just the way Lena liked it.

“Good?” Alex asks, as she meets Lena’s gaze. She wouldn't say that she she was fishing for a compliment. But Alex is pretty sure she's fishing for a compliment. She wants to feel like she's doing something worthwhile.

“Yeah,” Lena smiles, as they share a small moment. “Thanks, Alex.”

“You’re welcome, Lena,” Alex tells her. "I....I just," Alex shakes her head, letting some of her insecurity come through, "I wish there was more that I could do, you know?"

"Alex," Lena breathes, as she reaches out and pulls Alex into a one armed hug. She's careful not to spill the coffee as she does so. "You are doing something. You've done so much for us all. And I couldn't...I couldn't do any of this without you, you know?"

"Yeah?" Alex almost whispers.

“Yeah," Lena confirms. "Kara was right about you,” Lena tells her finally. Her words hold a certain weight to them, as if she’s about to reveal a big secret.

“What about?” Alex wonders, as she pulls away from the other woman, putting a small amount of distance between herself and Alex.

“You’re a good sister.” Lena’s eyes are the most expressive that Alex has ever seen them, the green in them reminds her of the sea,  “Kara is really lucky to have a sister like you. I’m lucky I get to reap the benefits of having you around.”

“I could say the same, you know?” Alex tells her, her words heartfelt and sincere, “Kara is really lucky to have found you. I... I’m pretty sure the two of you were made for each other. You have the biggest hearts.” They both stare at each other for a few weighted seconds, before Alex starts to feel awkward and tears her gaze away. She suddenly clears her throat, as she reaches up to the back of her neck, and begins to rub her hand there.

“So…You said things are going well,” Alex hedges, “What’s the official status update?”

“I mean….” Lena hesitates, glancing at the smart-board behind her, “I’ve come up with a substance that should hold a high affinity for the radioactive isotope.” 

"Why don't you sound happier about that fact?" Alex questions her, not liking the apprehensiveness in Lena's voice.

“Of course, the key word in that sentence, is should ,“ Lena says, with a small flick of her hand towards the aforementioned board, “It’s all theoretical at this point, of course.”

“Still,” Alex breathes, as she takes a step closer to the smart board, trying to make some sort of sense from its contents. Then, in a contemplative tone, she says, “It’s something . And in my experience, to have something is a hell of a lot better than having nothing at all.”

“Except,” Lena feels herself sigh, “As you well know, theory isn’t everything. The fact is, sometimes the universe does not behave as it should. Laws and theory aren’t everything. Quantum mechanics is a perfect example of that.”

“But we’ll never know unless we try,” Alex tells her, wisely, “And I think it’s worth trying.”

“I’m in agreement with Alex about that,” Brainy pipes up from where he is measuring out one of the liquids with a pipette. He’d been silent for so long, the two women in the room had almost forgotten that they were alone. Because of this, both Lena and Alex startle a little bit at the sound of his voice.

Lena quickly looks over to where he’s standing, taking a moment to watch his dexterous hands as he effortlessly hits the release on the instrument and transfers the liquid into its appropriate container. “Besides, I’ve already calculated the chances that this substance will be compatible with the radioactive substance we created, and they’re high. The compatibility is 97.3%, to be exact.”

“Thanks, Brainy,” Lena feels a small low-pitched chuckle pulled from her lips, at his input.

“So we’ve got a theoretical substance to pull the radiation out of Kara’s cells and into her blood,” Alex lets out a relieved breath. She’s silently pleased that things are progressing so quickly, especially now that they know Kara is getting worse. “We're a step closer to bringing Kara home because of you. That’s amazing, Lena,” Alex tells her with a hint of pride in her voice.

“And yet, I'm afraid that it’s not enough,” Lena argues, as she lets her doubts and fears come crashing back in. “I’m pretty sure that Kara’s cells are going to fight us at every turn.”

And just like that, the illusion that Alex had been under, shatters. She has to take a moment to think about it, before it all hits her square in the chest like a sucker punch. She doesn’t know how she could have been so stupid. After all, she was supposed to know Kara’s Kryptonian physiology better than anyone. And here Lena was, having to tell her something she should already know.

“Oh my god,” Alex whispers, as she reaches up to her own forehead in disbelief, “You’re right! Kara’s physiology will prevent it. Her cells have been designed to produce and retain vast amounts of energy. And in particular, they rely on radiation from the Earth’s yellow sun in order to fuel her powers. If we try to pull all of the radiation out of Kara’s body, there’s a chance that a built-in fail-safe will activate in order to prevent us from doing so. Her cellular processes will fight us at every turn.” 

Lena lets out a harsh breath as Alex all but confirms her worst fears. Sure, part of her had been worried about that possibility. But to hear Alex confirm it? Well, it basically put a heavy damper on how she’d been feeling after finishing the formula. 

Lena shakes her head. She quickly has to coach herself to take a deep breath. She tries not to spiral as she feels tears prick at her eyes. Her vision blurs at the edges a bit, before she squeezes her eyes shut. 

Don’t. Don't cry. You cannot afford to be weak right now.

She wants to tell herself that it’s not the end of the world. But it also hurts.

“Fuck,” Alex can’t hold the word back, as it all hits her for the first time. “We didn’t think about that possibility when we were making our plans.”

“No,” Lena acknowledges that fact, as she too realizes it to be the case. She shakes her head, as she breathes, and nearly whispers, “No, we didn’t.”

“What would happen if we took away Kara’s powers, and removed her from a radiation rich environment, before trying to purge her of the radioactive isotope?” Brainy quickly joins their conversation, causing both women’s heads to shoot towards him. Lena feels a fair amount of reticence at the suggestion.

“The only thing is,” he continues on, completely unfazed by Lena and Alex’s reactions, “I’m pretty sure we’d have to block her powers permanently. We’d have to make it so that her cells couldn’t convert the sun’s radiation into their own, and instead would have to produce their own energy like a human’s cells would.” Lena couldn’t stop the gasp that fell from her lips at the mere suggestion of rendering Kara human .

Lena reflexively shakes her head, not even allowing herself to entertain the possibility of doing something like that to her best friend. Kara had already given so much. There was no way. They couldn’t take this from her. Lena couldn't.

Still, Lena could always count on Brainy to cut right to the chase.

If he’d had any tact, he probably would have said something like, ‘Please don’t be angry with me for suggesting this, but what if we tried to take away Kara’s powers, and separated her from the radiation source of the sun?’

“What are you suggesting?” Alex says, her throat tight and her voice low, “Are you really suggesting that we cut off my sister from the only thing that's keeping her alive right now?”

“No,” Brainy’s voice softens. It's as if he finally realizes the offensiveness of his words. Still, it does not stop him from continuing, “I’m suggesting that we cut your sister off from the one thing that is actively killing her.”  - the one thing that is sure to kill her if we don’t do anything. “Even radiation from the Earth’s yellow sun seems to be feeding into Kara’s radiation sickness. I mean… If the medical updates and reports we’ve gotten from J’onn are to be believed, then sun exposure almost certainly seems to be worsening her prognosis and accelerating her illness. It was the same for Overgirl from Earth X, Alex." He pauses, his voice gathering conviction as he says, "I’m telling you. Our best course of action at this point is to render Kara human before trying to pull the radiation from her body. If... If we don't, there is a high chance our efforts will fail.”

“No,” Lena finally seems to find her voice, for the first time in almost thirty seconds. “No. I will not do that to Kara. I refuse .” Alex watches with a furrowed brow as Lena begins to feverishly pace back and forth in front of the board, the heels of her boots clicking against the smooth, sterile surface. Alex can faintly hear Lena muttering things to herself under her breath, her brows scrunched up with some unnamed emotion Alex can’t name. But she has a strong feeling she knows what it could be. She wishes she could make out the words. But from the look on Lena's face, she's sure that she wouldn't like them. The truth is, she wouldn't like them at all.

Mistake, might of made some

Can't argue with that, but I ain't one

Even though I sometimes get afraid of

Having to face the wrath of an anxious me

I get it 'cause I actually

Feel the same sometimes I think

I might be a lost cause who turns off

'Cause the way I read

Into what I've been through

You'd think I'm mental

But it pays off though when the rent's due

I pursue what I love and if it goes

South and falls down just know

I'll stand on my own two feet

Don't you see?

Those that oppose on me

Most won't leave

Thinkin' I might retreat

Show my teeth quick if you turn on me 'cause

“Lena,” Brainy addresses Lena directly. “You’re not listening to me," he sounds frustrated and angry, which is something that is very atypical for him. "If we don’t do this, Kara will die. I'm not saying she might die. I'm saying that she will die. It is a certainty. And all of the work we do from here on? It will be for naught.”

“I don’t care!” Lena hisses, letting her emotions get the best of her, as she whirls around to face him with an undeniable fire in her brilliant green eyes, “We’ve already taken too much! Don't you understand?!? I..." Lena stumbles over her words for a moment, "I-I won’t take this from her, too. There must be another way, Brainy. Please . There has to be!”

“Lena, please don’t take this the wrong way,” Brainy says tentatively. It's as if he's treating her like a frightened animal. Clearly very aware of the brokenness in Lena's words, “But you’re not thinking with your brain right now. You’re thinking with your heart,” Brainy tells her. "You mustn't forget to use the boxes."

“God! You think I don’t know that!” Lena shouts at him, the veins in her forehead and her neck popping out as the muscles in her throat and neck tighten in anger. "You don't think that I've tried?"

“Lena,” Alex’s voice is soft as she steps closer. It’s almost as if she’s afraid of causing Lena to shut down completely. Part of her thinks she knows how Lena is feeling, because she’s pretty sure she is feeling the exact same way.

Lena instantly calms a bit, as she feels Alex place her hand on her shoulder. In the back of her mind, Lena feels a sharp pain in her hand, and she frowns as looks down in order to see the coffee cup crumpled in her hand. Its liquid is dripping down over the edge and onto the floor. The skin of her hand is discolored, with shallow burns from the liquid turning the typically pale peach an angry shade of red. Her fingers feel slightly sticky from the sugar that Alex must have added into the coffee. Lena swallows thickly as she tries to rapidly compartmentalize all of the pain and anger she feels into boxes.

I feel like I'm at standstill waiting for you to tell me I'm ok

If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself

Tryna show you I'm not a mistake

I've got qualities that I'm not proud of

I've made promises that I walked out on

I've had days I feel I don't deserve love

So think what you think, just don't call me a

Just don't call me a

“Here,” she hears Alex whisper, as the brunette gently takes the cup from her hand, and sets it aside.

“How can we possibly take one more thing from her?” Lena finally asks them, with tears brimming in her eyes. Even just the thought of it seems like a betrayal to Lena. “Hasn’t she already given enough?”

“You’re not wrong,” Alex agrees with her, her voice thick with emotion, “But I think we all know what we have to do, whether we’re ready to acknowledge it or not.”

“I won’t help you do it,” Lena’s eyes flash in defiance, as tears suddenly spill out and stream down her face. “I won’t help you take away such a huge piece of who she is. I can't. Kara isn’t meant to be human like the rest of us.” 

“That’s just it, Lena,” Alex looks truly apologetic, as she addresses Lena personally, “If we had any other choice, I would never ask you to do something so against what you believe. But that’s just it! We don’t have a choice. We don’t have the luxury of focusing on our moral scruples right now. And we don’t have time to come up with something else.” Lena chokes back a sob as she feels her chest tighten exponentially. She knows the truth of Alex’s words. She feels the truth of them. But it hurts. It hurts her.

When will it end? When are we going to stop hurting her?

“At the very least, we have to give Kara the choice,” Alex continues, “We need to give her all of the information, and let her decide what she wants to do.”

“No,” Lena chokes out hoarsely. “We’re not doing that. Because you know what she’ll say, and I do too! She’s desperate, Alex. And because of that, Kara will agree to do anything she thinks we want her to do.”

“Lena,” Alex quickly shakes her head, her expression morose. She looks almost mournful as she says, “That may be true. But we owe it to her to give her the final say.”

“You mean like we did when we injected her with the isotope?” Lena questions with a certain venom in her voice, her tone undeniably sarcastic and venomous. 

Mistake 'cause I'm not one

Misplaced but I found a

Lot of resentment

Causes a mess when you let it get to the place of

No confidence

Struggle with it, that's obvious

But not enough to make me second guess

If I'd die for the ones I love

So don't you get confused

Thinking if you

Bring me down I'ma just choose

To let myself get used

I don't live like that

I feel trapped

I might lash out

I gotta watch my back

Cross my path, especially with ill intent

You'll regret you ever took that task

If and when this thing could all go bad

Don't you act like no one warned you yet 'cause

“That’s exactly my point,” Alex says, her voice punctuating each word as she tries to drive her point home. “We didn’t give her a choice the last time around, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that. The fact is, we took that choice away from her, and I won’t do it again. I can’t. She deserves to decide her own fate, good or bad.”

“And if you get an answer that you don’t like?” Lena questions, her voice much gentler than before. “What if she tells you that she doesn’t want to give up her powers? What then? Am I really supposed to believe you wouldn’t fight her on it?”

“Gosh,” the rush of air out of Alex’s lungs is almost instantaneous, “You just cut to the chase when you’re pissed, don’t you?"  "I’m starting to get a very vivid idea of what you’re like in your board meetings,” Alex jokes hollowly. 

“I just want to know what would happen in those scenarios,” Lena admits, “Because… the truth is, I can live with the idea of running this all by Kara, as long as I know for a fact that you won’t try and pressure her into a particular decision, or fight her when she makes one you don’t like.”

“You want my word?” Alex says apprehensively, as she crosses her arms over her chest. It looks as if she’s attempting to shield herself from Lena, and Lena's ire.

“Yes,” Lena states, her jaw tight. Alex can see the muscles in Lena’s temple contract repeatedly, as the Ravenette clenches her jaw over and over.

“Then I promise that I won’t try to pressure her in any particular way. And I promise that I won’t fight her on what she decides to do.” Alex swallows, as her arms fall away from her chest. Instead, the brunette elects to shove her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “Hell, I promise I won’t even talk to her about any of it at all. I’ll leave it all to J’onn, with the express instructions not to coach Kara in any way.”

“And in turn, all I need you to do is focus on creating.” Alex pauses, pointing to the smart-board, “That. Then I need you to make sure it works.”

“I’ll make sure it does,” Lena feels herself promising without hesitation. After all, it was already a given.

“Good,” Alex sounds almost relieved that they’ve come to this particular conclusion. After all, she hates conflict. And most of all, she hates fighting with Lena. 

Lena watches as Alex starts walking towards the door. But she’s not ready to be alone just yet. Her words catch Alex halfway across the room. 

“Alex,” Lena’s voice sounds small as she calls out to her, “Forgive me, but.... If… If we take away that part of her - the Supergirl part of her, I mean. What…. What’s going to be left?” Lena questions.

“Oh, Lena,” Alex breathes almost gently, as she walks back to the younger woman, and pulls Lena into one of the tightest hugs she’s ever received. It could even rival some of Kara's for their ferocity. “You know my sister better than anyone. Kara - without Supergirl - will still be Kara. She’ll still be the same person you fell in love with, I promise . You don’t have to be scared you’ll lose any part of her.”

“It’s not even about that,” Lena says as she pulls away, her voice thick with emotion. “It’s just… She loves being Supergirl. She loves protecting others. She - She finds a purpose in all of that. If we do this,  we’ll…. we’d be taking that all away at a time when she’s already struggling.”

I feel like I'm at standstill waiting for you to tell me I'm ok

If time heals, tell me why do I kill myself

Tryna show you I'm not a mistake

I've got qualities that I'm not proud of

I've made promises that I walked out on

I've had days I feel I don't deserve love

So think what you think, just don't call me a

Mistake

“Look,” Alex tries to reassure her, “I know that Brainy said it would have to be permanent. But maybe? Maybe you're right. Maybe we can try and find another way.”

“To what?” Lena rasps out tersely, “Give her back the powers that we’re going to so ruthlessly strip away?” 

“I don’t have all of the answers, Lena,”  Alex admits in a clipped voice of her own. And now even Alex seems to be frustrated and angered by the situation. “Believe me! I wish I did, but I don’t. We can only solve one problem at a time.”

“Don't you see? That’s kind of the problem,” Lena says to her defeatedly, “Because I think it’s a mistake to push forward without knowing exactly how to fix a problem we’re about to create.”

“That’s it!” Brainy utters suddenly, as a light-bulb seemingly goes off in his head. “Kryptonite! We can solve the problem with Kryptonite.”

“What?” Lena’s voice nearly gives out on her as she tries to respond, the sound cracking awkwardly in the room around them as it echoes around the enclosed space. She’s already put herself through so much, she’s not sure she has anything left in the tank. Lena is suddenly beyond exhausted.

“If I recall correctly, there’s a form of Kryptonite that can block a Kryptonian’s ability to access their powers,” Brainy informs them, as he rushes over to the computer, and begins feverishly typing away on its keyboard. “Gold Kryptonite. We’ll have to consult Kal-El, of course, since he’s the only one who is truly familiar with it.” He continues to ramble on, lost in his own little world. “Lex once created it, and used it against Superman in order to strip him of his powers. It should be enough to permanently remove Kara’s powers.”

“Okay, now you actually sound insane ,” Lena says while throwing her hands up in exasperation. “Do I really need to remind you how we got into this whole mess, Brainy?"

There's a haunted look in her eyes as she reminds them all of what they already know. "I created Kryptonite, and Kara was stabbed through the heart by it. And now?” Lena has to pause to try and suppress her anger. But her anger was seemingly white-hot - so hot, in fact, that she’s pretty sure she’s seeing red. “Now you want to use that very same substance? The one substance in this galaxy that can fucking hurt her, in order to rip her powers away?”

“Yes,” Brainy answers simply. Either he’s completely oblivious to Lena’s emotions, or he’s just refusing to be intimidated by her. He continues on as if he’s completely immune to the tension in the room. “But you really need to let me explain, before you refuse to consider it,” Brainy murmurs, as he pulls up one final page on the computer screen, depicting a large purple, crystalline rock. “Yes, Kryptonite is harmful to Kara. And yes, it is the reason we’re in the situation we’re in now. But…. We can make Kryptonite work for us.  At least in this instance. We can use it to save Kara."

“Okay,” Lena breathes, forcing herself to calm down just a little bit and hear him out, “I’ll admit that I’m intrigued.” Then, “Explain.”

“So…. You know we can use Gold Kryptonite in order to take Kara’s powers away. But what you might not know is that there’s another kind of Kryptonite that we can use to give Kara back her powers. Purple Kryptonite.”

“Holy shit,” Alex gasps, as she looks at him with a bit of awe in her expression. “You’re right,” Alex feels breathless, as a distant memory suddenly comes back to her. “Shortly after she arrived on Earth, Kara accidentally created purple Kryptonite during one of her science experiments, and gave her cat "Streaky" superpowers. Of course, Jeremiah freaked out. He quickly destroyed all of it, and burned all evidence that it ever existed. But it's possible. I mean... if it’s been done once, we should almost certainly be able to do it again. Kara’s loss of her powers doesn’t have to be permanent.”

“And I believe that we already have the means to synthesize it, Lena,” Brainy informs her, as he turns towards her, and meets her gaze. “You kept some of the Harun-El, did you not?” Lena can only stare at him with her mouth hanging wide open, silently wondering how he could possibly know that before ultimately deciding it doesn’t matter. She snaps her jaw shut, her teeth clinking together awkwardly with the action. She finally answers.

“Y-Yes,” Lena stutters out. “I kept it. The truth is, I wanted to study it. I’m intrigued by its exceptional ability as an energy source.” She couldn’t help but wonder where Brainy was going with his thought process, and desperately wanted to know.

“What you may not have discovered just yet is… It has other uses,” Brainy informs her, “If my knowledge of the substance is correct, it should be possible for someone to say…. use the Harun-El in order to synthesize a chemical compound that would give a human Super-human abilities similar to those of a Kryptonian under a yellow sun.”

“Holy sh-. You’re talking about purple Kryptonite, aren’t you?” Lena finally connects everything together. She feels her heart leap in her chest as she watches Brainy quickly nod in her direction.. “So… you’re saying that it’s just a matter of turning one thing into another,” Lena says.

Then, she lets herself see the reason in all of it, “Okay, I hate to say this, but….”

“But you think it can be done. And there’s a part of you that wants to try.” Alex looks somewhat proud of her. “Gosh, you’re such a nerd, Luthor.”

“Shut up,” Lena sasses back, her eyes flashing dangerously. But a part of her preens under Alex’s belief in her to do this. Alex may not have said it, but Lena is sure that Alex believes in her. God help her, but Lena has no choice but to try. She wants to do it for Kara. Because, at the very least, if they are going to rob Kara of her powers, they have to find a way to give them back again.

“So what’ll it be, Lena?” Alex asks her. “Are you willing to do it, or not?”

“I…” Lena’s throat feels suddenly tight as she contemplates her options. She knows their chances of success are higher if she is involved. But in a way, she also feels that if she agrees to synthesize the purple Kryptonite, she will also be agreeing with their plans to strip Kara of her powers. And that wasn’t the case at all. She didn’t support that. She couldn’t.

What would you have me do, Kara?  She wonders.

Do it, Lena. It’s okay. Lena can almost swear she hears Kara’s voice in her head, the timbre of it is a complete match to Kara’s own. In those same words, she feels a traitorous pull, like a lurching of her heart’s compass. I trust you.  

Her mind is suddenly made up.

“Okay, I’ll do it,” Lena breathes out.

SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~ SG~ SC~

J’onn’s home

Mars - (One week later...)

Kara’s breathing is deep and even as she focuses on the faint scrape of the brush moving across the canvas. Her movements are elegant and practiced. Her brilliant blue eyes dance across the canvas, as the colors and figures take shape in front of her. Her lips are parted, her breaths slowly drying out the plush surface. There’s a slight sting in the back of her throat as it starts to dry out as well. Kara’s tongue darts out to wet her bottom lip, before receding back inside her mouth. Kara then bites her lip as she tries to make sure she gets the imagery just right. 

“Wow,” she vaguely hears J’onn gasp, as he steps into the room behind her.

Kara immediately startles at the unexpected sound, and clumsily fumbles the paint brush in her hand. She tries to catch it in time - tries to stop its tumble to the floor. But with her powers not being what they usually are, the wood handle slips right between her fingers, bounces off of her extended middle and pointer fingers, and clatters onto the floor with a disgusting little splat.

“Sorry,” J’onn apologizes, as he hastily rushes over to pick it up from the floor. “I really didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No,” Kara shakes her head, her voice soft and raspy, “It’s alright. I…I’m just used to hearing people coming. My hearing is not what it used to be.” Kara almost stumbles over her words. “It also doesn’t help that I’m distracted,” Kara admits. “It’s like I can’t stop thinking about-” Kara’s voice trails off, becoming small under the thoughts and fears working their way through their mind.

“About what?” J’onn questions. 

“About her,” Kara swallows thickly. She feels like she’s had to be so strong for so long. But now all the doubt was creeping back in. And Kara couldn’t fight it. “What if I never get to see her again?”

“Kara,” J’onn’s voice softens. Kara has to choke back a sound as J’onn tenderly places the brush back in Kara’s hand and holds it there for just a moment.

“I told her that I’d fight,” Kara whispers, “But I’m getting so tired, J’onn. I….It feels like my energy has been sucked away - like I’m right back on that street in the middle of National City, feeling my blood slowly drain out of me drop by drop …and I don’t know how long I can hang on.”

J’onn opens his mouth to speak, but finds the words trapped in his throat as she says. “The sunlight helped. But now….now we’ve decided that I shouldn’t have any sun exposure, and I’m restless. I miss being out there,” Kara says as she gestures in the direction of the black-out curtains.

“I know,” he admits, “I know that it’s awful being trapped inside like this, Kara. And believe me, I wish there was something more I could do… But Brainy believes that the solar radiation was only accelerating your illness. We had to make a tough call.” 

“I understand,” Kara tells him gently. “I do,” she emphasizes. “I just…” she sounds almost desperate as she says, “Have you heard anything? Have they made any more headway?”

“They’re working on it,” J’onn responds as he takes a few steps to the bed, and lowers himself onto the edge of the mattress very gently, almost gingerly - as if he’s afraid he’s about to break it. Kara nods, making a faint sound in her throat as she dips her brush into the paint on the board clutched in her left hand, and then resumes her ministrations.

“Do you think I got the likeness right?” Kara asks him softly, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “I…I mean I know that I’m no Rembrandt, or even a real artist, but I just… I want it to be perfect.”

“Kara,” J’onn chuckles, “I think it’s stunning. And yes, I think the likeness is exceptional. It could only be one person.”

“Her birthday is coming up,” Kara says as she stills for a moment. “And I know that Brainy is coming next week with some supplies. I’m hoping to finish it before then, so that he can take it back with him.”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” J’onn tells her. “I think she’s going to love it, Kara. And I’d be surprised if it wasn’t the best birthday present she’s ever gotten.”

Kara feels hot tears build in her eyes, as she closely scrutinizes the painting. On the fabric canvas, Lena is standing on its right hand side, with her back facing the artist - her feet leaving imprints on the deep red sand. Her face is turned towards the figure on the left half of the canvas, a girl with long, flowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes. As it so happens, Lena's profile is also half turned towards the artist, allowing Kara just enough opportunity to pay homage to Lena’s beautiful, delicate features, and sharp jawline. The Ravenette is wearing a long wool coat, a deep red blouse, and dark slacks. In the painting, both Kara’s and Lena’s arms are stretched out towards one another, as if trying to reach across the vast distance of space. In the background is one of Kara’s favorite features on Mars, a large, rocky plateau near the north pole, where Northern Lights often dance across the sky above it. It was one of the places Kara most wanted to share with Lena. And she figured, with this painting, she could do just that. She only hoped that she could do it justice.

Most of Kara’s profile remained unfinished thus far. After all, Kara had wanted to get Lena’s profile just right, and she was a lot less focused on her own. Once she got Lena's right, she'd worry about the rest.

“I don’t know,” Kara shakes her head, “Part of me isn’t even sure it’s possible to do her justice. It’s just… She’s-”  There were so many words that popped into Kara’s mind, that it almost blew her away. There were so many adjectives Kara could use to describe the love of her life. And yet, they didn’t seem like enough.  “ Everything ,” Kara gasps out.

“I know that it seems that way,” J’onn tells her, “But you already have . You paint with such love in your heart. And it shows, Kara. You just have to trust me on this one.” Then. “Now what do you say that we take a little break. You’ve been at it for hours. And there’s something I really need to talk to you about. It’s…It’s important.” Kara nods, setting down her instruments on the table next to her. 

J’onn quickly sets about trying to help her clean up.

In minutes, they’re finished cleaning up, and Kara is lowering herself onto the couch in the living room. She glances up, offering J’onn a small, grateful, smile as J’onn hands her a cup of tea, before settling down on the cushions next to her.

“So…” Kara finds her voice to be rough when she speaks for the first time. It’s as if she already knows this conversation isn’t going to be a pleasant one. And J’onn hasn’t said one word. “You said that there was something that you needed to talk to me about?”

“Yes,” J’onn responds, as he reaches out to gently remove the cup from her hand. He quickly sets i on the table in front of them, and grabs Kara’s hand. “So… the others are making progress in their endeavors. But a matter has come up that needs to be addressed.”

“Oh,” Kara tries to keep the worry out of her voice, as she says, “Okay.” She clears her throat for a moment, before she asks in a whisper, “Umm…What is it?”

“They think their methods of removing the radiation from your body will be hindered by your Kryptonian physiology,” J’onn tells her. “They think there is a higher chance of success if we…” J’onn hesitates.

“If we, what?!” Kara’s jaw tightens a little bit in apprehension. 

“We need to stop your body from drawing in radiation from the Sun, Kara,” J’onn tells her.

“But that’s what my body uses to fuel my powers,” Kara says without thinking. Then it hits her. Her mouth falls open in a small ‘O’, as the word spills from her lips. “Oh,” she almost gasps.

“Kara,” J’onn feels his heart shatter as he sees the look on her face. “I can only imagine what you must be thinking right now, but…”

“No,” Kara shakes her head, waving him off. “No, it’s okay. I know you wouldn’t be bringing this to me if there was much of a choice.”

“That’s just it,” J’onn says as he gives her hand a gentle squeeze, “You do have a choice. We want you to have a choice.”

“You know…” Kara almost laughs. “When I first arrived on Earth, and had all of these abilities I didn’t know how to adapt to… I - I almost hated them,” Kara tells him in a soft voice, seemingly reminiscing in the memories of a time that felt so very long ago. “I think if you had asked me then, I would have given anything to get rid of them. But…. then I learned to live with them, and they… they became a part of me.”

“It…was never easy,” Kara breathes, “I always had this love-hate relationship with my powers. But I think that what I hated most, was having to hide them, to pretend that I didn’t have these incredible abilities that I knew I could use the way that he did.” And instantly J’onn knew that Kara was referring to Superman. “I…. I could save people, J’onn. And for the longest time, it felt like I was wasting them. I lived in the shadows for years, just trying to blend in, hoping against hope that nobody ever really looked twice at the girl in the glasses.” She closes her eyes for a moment. “But then? Then, I did finally get to step out into the light. I got to save people. For three glorious years, I got to feel whole…complete.”

“Kara,” J’onn says as tears flood into his own eyes, as he notices how Kara’s are brimming with them too.

“But that time has come and passed,” Kara tells him, as she meets his gaze. “I saved the world J’onn. I saved the world from the World-killers and somehow…somehow got to live to tell the tale.” Kara swallows, allowing her tears to finally fall unencumbered. They draw sinuous paths down her cheeks, and drip from her chin, splattering onto the fabric of her shirt below. 

Kara doesn’t even attempt to catch them or brush them away, as she says, “I… I think I always knew that was going to cost me. Even if I didn’t know that cost would be… just yet.”

“No,” J’onn shakes his head. “You already paid that price, Kara. You've paid that cost in all of the pain you’ve had to endure these last months. You've easily paid that cost a million times over. You... You don’t have to pay it again.”

“But that’s just it,” Kara cries, her sobs sounding as if they were threatening to break her apart in two, “I do . I do have to pay it again.” Then. “Because I want to live, J’onn. I... I want this life. I want a life with you, and Alex, and Eliza, and Brainy, and James, and Lucy. I want a life with Lena.”

“And if you had asked me this question even just a year ago, you might have received a wildly different answer,” Kara admits, in a thick broken voice. “A year ago, I might have refused to even consider it at all. But that was before… Before I realized that my powers were a part of me, but didn’t define me. I’m Kara Zor-El. And I still will be the same person with or without them.” Kara bows her head, making herself smaller on the couch as she finally reaches up to scrub her tears away, “I fulfilled my destiny,” she says with conviction. “I saved the world. And now…now I get to be human.”

“Are you sure?” he asks her, needing to know she means it with a hundred percent certainty. “Are you truly sure?”

“Yes,” Kara’s voice sounds rough, as she chokes out the word. Her voice is still thick from crying. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” his voice sounds undeniably caring as he says, “I’ll tell the others, Kara. It will help them move forward with their plans. The good news is, it shouldn't be that much longer. A few weeks, maybe." 

Kara nods, letting silence fill the room and settle between. It isn't long before that silence turns oppressive, though, and forces them to speak.

"Do you regret it?" J'onn asks the question quietly. It's something he's wanted to ask her for months, but has never been brave enough to do. "What you did that night... the sacrifices that you've made for us - were they worth it?"

Kara seems to ponder this a moment, as she's slightly taken aback by his question. He watches as she fiddles nervously with the end of her sleeve, running the fabric of her shirt between her fingers. She plays with it for a long moment, before she looks up and her eyes slam into his own. "No, I don't regret it," she murmurs, the words are seemingly a revelation to her just as they are to J'onn. "I can't believe I'm saying this after everything, but I.... I just know in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't do anything differently. The truth is, I couldn't." And J'onn thinks that he loves her even more for that, though he can't quite fathom how she could say that. "Sometimes the sacrifices we make are worth it. And this time? It was worth it," Kara breathes shallowly, "The world is safe. She's safe. And that's all I could have ever wanted."

Kara expects J’onn to get up, and head to the tele-typewriter right away. But he surprises her and pulls her into his arms. “I….I just want you to know that I’ll be here every step of the way, just as I always have been.”

“I know,” Kara tells him, as she lets herself sink into his arms.

He doesn’t tell her about the Purple Kryptonite. He doesn’t tell her about the possibility of giving her back her powers once this is all over, because he doesn’t want to get her hopes up. But he hopes. He hopes, for her sake, that they can do it. Because Kara is the only person he's ever known who was fully worthy of their gifts, and he can't bear the thought of never being able to fight by her side again.

She deserves the world. 

Slowly, Kara withdraws from J’onn arms, and turns to him.

“What do they plan on using, in order to do it? If you don’t mind me asking?” Kara asks out of curiosity. 

“Kryptonite,” J’onn chokes out the word, spitting out its syllables as if they offend him. “There was talk of using a red-sun generator or a red-sun lamp, but they’re worried about the logistical applications. Not only would it take substantial resources and time to develop, but it would also require a great deal of power. It would heavily tax the electrical infrastructure available to us. It also wouldn’t be portable. If we chose that method, you’d have to stay confined to a single room for the duration of all of your treatments, and they didn’t want to do it that way. With Kryptonite, it’s more of a one and done kind of situation.”

“Oh,” Kara gasps. “Of course,” Kara merely breathes, allowing herself to take in all of the information.. “The truth is, I’d almost forgotten all about Gold Kryptonite. The uh… notion of it seems so foreign to me. I think it’s mainly because I’ve seen so many kinds of Kryptonite over the years, but never that one.” Kara’s voice sounds eerily hollow as she says, “I suppose that it will fit the bill for this pretty well, though.” 

J’onn wants to say something to that, but he’s not sure what he could possibly say that would make the situation any less horrible. So he snaps his mouth closed. 

“Would you mind if I took some time alone?” Kara asks. “I’d kind of like to take a few minutes and let things sink in a bit.” 

J’onn quickly clears his throat as he tries to decide how he feels about doing that. He’s not sure he’ll be doing her any favors. But the look in Kara’s eyes decides it for him. 

“O-Of course,” he agrees, “I need to get in touch with Brainy, anyway. He needs to know what to bring.”

Kara nods. She feels in a bit of a daze as she stands up from the couch. She walks back to her room on auto-pilot, making a quick bee-line through the doors, and over to the backpack tucked in the corner. She feels like she can’t quite breathe, as she ruffles furiously through its contents.

“Where is it? Rao, where is it?” Kara gasps breathlessly, as her chest moves rapidly up and down. She comes up empty, panicking even more as she looks around, only to find the item she’d been seeking had been left out of the bed. 

Kara quickly stumbles over to it, and pulls it on. She closes her eyes, and her face tightens up in anguish. She drops to her knees right in the middle of the floor. Her heart is breaking. She knows in her heart what she has to do. But giving up Supergirl seems to be one of the hardest things she’s ever been asked to do.

Darling, please take my hand

Please get up, rise to stand

I can't be the one to sing your song

'Cause I believe it's not your fault

Don't be scared, you are my rock

Nothing's gonna hold you down for long

Please, Kara pleads, as she tries to remember to breathe. Please, I need you. 

Her breath catches again, and she sobs out her pain, her shoulders shaking violently and her breaths coming hot and fast.

“Shh,” she hears Lena’s soft, dulcet voice whisper to her, as she crumples even more. “Shh, Darling. It’s okay. I’m here.”

“Please, I…” Kara’s broken voice cracks under the words, “I… I don’t know how to- I can’t do this.”

“Shh, ” Lena repeats as she presses a hand to Kara’s back and begins to rub it in gentle circles, her hand pressing down with the perfect amount of pressure for Kara’s senses. “Breathe, Kara,” Lena implores her in a tender but passionate voice, “Come on, Darling. I know you’re hurting, but you have to breathe. ” Lena crawls around to Kara’s front, her bright, vivid green eyes swimming into Kara’s blurred vision. Kara feels Lena grab her hand, and press it to her own heart. And Kara can feel it. She can feel Lena’s heart pounding away in her chest. 

Sometimes we break so beautiful

And you know you're not the only one

I breathe you in so sweet and powerful

Like a wildfire burning up inside my lungs

I'm burning up, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

“Breathe with me,” she instructs, as she makes a show of taking a deep breath. “Come on. I know you can do it, Love. I know you can.”  

“Focus on me,” Lena implores her. There's a desperate look in her sea green eyes. And Kara listens. She follows Lena’s breathing. And incrementally, over several minutes, she feels herself calm considerably. She's able to breathe again.

“There, ” Lena smiles at her, her expression caring and earnest. There’s a hint of pride and fondness in Lena’s expression as she says, “There’s my girl. I knew you could do it. ”

“Lee?” Kara whispers, as Lena moves even closer. Kara is struck by how absolutely beautiful the other woman looks in front of her. It’s been so long since she’d seen Lena. But now…now the other woman is close enough that Kara can make out the flecks of amber and blue in her sea green eyes. 

In good time, you'll come to know

When you release, when you let go

You can find yourself where you belong

You're not a curse, you're not too much

You are needed here, you are enough

And nothing's gonna hold you down for long

Kara can’t help but tug her hand from Lena’s, in order to reach up and touch Lena’s face. It's just.... impossible for Kara not to be in awe of her. The skin is soft and warm. It feels so real under Kara’s touch. It’s heavenly. But still, there’s a part of Kara that knows it can’t be real.

“Yes, Kara?” Lena’s voice is undeniably gentle as she murmurs the words.

“You’re not really here, are you?” Kara asks her. “This…. This isn’t real,” Kara states, almost whispering the words. She feels devastated all over again. She’s not quite prepared for the look of hurt on the other woman’s face when she says it. But Lena is honest with her, at least.

“No, Darling," Lena admits, and Kara wilts under the words, “I’m really sorry to say that it’s not real.”

“Is it pathetic that I don’t care?” Kara questions. Kara exhales as she pulls away from the comfort of Lena’s touch and slowly struggles to her feet. Kara’s hands curl in on themselves, the muscles in her forearms flexing under the action. Lena reaches out for her again. Her expression is one filled with pain and anguish at seeing Kara’s distress. Kara takes a step back, breathing heavily as she takes it all in.

Darling please don't give up

Drop your hate and sing for love

Let me be the one who sings along

I’ll be the one who sings along

Kara allows herself to drink in the sight of Lena - allows herself to drown in her presence. After all, it’s been so long, and she misses Lena so much it aches. When she’s done taking in all the details of Lena’s body, Kara then forces herself to look away from Lena’s figure. She's half convinced the phantom is going to disappear in a moment anyway.

“Kara,” Lena’s voice holds all kinds of emotions in it as she addresses her once more. "Kara, please don't do this. Look, I know this is hard, but I'm trying to help you." 

"Go away, Lena," Kara orders her, hoping her words hold enough conviction in them, in order to convince Lena to leave her.

"No," Lena denies her. "I'm not leaving you like this. I can see that you're upset. If... you would just tell me what's wrong I can try and help you."

Kara just shakes her head and walks over to the light-switch, pressing her fingers to its surface. 

“Kara, don’t ignore me,” Lena begs her, as the room is suddenly bathed in darkness. Kara does what Lena begs her not to do. She ignores the figure as she activates the Kryptonian crystal in the corner of the room.

The darkened room is suddenly awash in all kinds of color. From the top to the bottom of the room, every surface is speckled with stars, billions and billions of them. 

Kara is exhausted by her breakdown, and shattered by the notion that the one shred of comfort she kept reaching towards wasn’t even real. Kara pads towards her bed and drops onto its surface, with a heavy sigh. She then stares at the ceiling almost listlessly, with her arms at her sides.

Kara isn’t prepared for it when she feels the bed sink down next to her. And she’s even more unprepared when she looks down in order to find Lena positioning herself next to Kara on the mattress. Kara’s breath stutters in her lungs as Lena reaches over, wrapping an arm around Kara’s middle as she pulls herself close. Almost instinctively, Kara’s arm wraps around her, as Lena’s head lowers down, coming to its final resting place on Kara’s chest. She’s suddenly drowned in Lena’s very distinctive scent, of perfume and something else that is very distinctly Lena. Kara drinks it in, her breaths greedy and deep.

“If you think you can just ignore me, and that that will somehow make me go away,” Lena tells her in a soft voice, “Then you’re wrong.”

“Lee,” Kara’s voice cracks over the Lena's name, her voice betraying only a fraction of the anguish that she feels.

“I’m here, Kara,” Lena whispers, as her hand fists in the material of the sweatshirt at Kara’s side, “I know you’ve felt so alone. But I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“You promise?” Kara asks her as she reaches up to run her fingers through Lena’s impossibly soft locks. The strands of hair seem like silk against her fingers. Kara squeezes her eyes shut, letting out a soft breath as she focuses on the weight of Lena against her. 

“Yes, Darling, I promise,” Lena exhales softly against her, and Kara accepts. She knows it's not real. Not really. But the truth of it is, she couldn't deny Lena if she tried. Because what Lena had told her was true. Kara did need her, and she didn't want to be alone anymore. 

Sometimes we break so beautiful

And you know you're not the only one

I breathe you in so sweet and powerful

Like a wildfire burning up inside my lungs

I'm burning up

Chapter Text

Poll

Now and then

My mind drifts to a place where I find you

Lost in my head

There are unresolved feelings that haunt me

I thought about what I would say

But I'm two years too late

I can't imagine how you're doing these days, hmm

Sure, it wasn't perfect back then

I'll be first to admit

But it was better than being strangers

It was early in the morning, when Lena heard a gentle knock on the door to her office deep in the heart of the DEO’S headquarters. Initially, Lena had been against the idea of getting her own office. However, since Lena had practically taken up residence in the DEO the past couple of months, Alex had insisted she be given an office - a space - of her own. Not only that, but the Agent had somehow cajoled and bartered her way into getting Lena her very own laboratory, which was located in the room next door.

With a small, head clearing shake of her head, Lena forced herself to tear her gaze away from her computer screen in front of her, as she called out a soft, "Come in," to whoever it was at the door. She found herself to be tired and stiff, and quite resistant to movement. But even so, she forced herself to move, quickly straightening up in her chair, so that she was less slumped over. She wiggled her backside around on the seat just a little bit, in order to find a more comfortable position. And once she finally found it, she leaned back into the lumbar support of the chair and let out a soft sigh of relief as she was able to relax once more. 

She was dressed in a soft, loose flowing pearl-colored button up blouse, dress slacks, and high heeled Louboutin heels. It wasn’t exactly the best outfit to wear for working at the D.E.O., but Lena had dressed herself, with her meetings at L-Corp in mind.

Lena’s hand was still gently clutching the computer mouse in her hand, when Winn partially opened the door a fraction of the way, and stuck his head through the small opening he’d created.

"Hey," he greeted her warmly, with his voice at a quiet volume. He seemed to be consciously aware of the early time of day and her probable exhaustion, as he said, "Pardon the interruption. I just thought I’d stop by and remind you that we’ve got that meeting coming up in fifteen minutes. I know how you get when you’re in the middle of stuff, and I didn’t want you to forget."

"Thanks," Lena smiled.. The smile didn’t reach all the way to her eyes, of course, as she’s way too tired to muster the appropriate enthusiasm. But she was grateful, and touched that Winn had thought of her.

"Of course," he replied, with his eyes holding a certain warmness to them as he looked at her. They vaguely reminded her of Hot Chocolate. And Lena suddenly felt her stomach lurch just a little bit as she remembered the way that Kara was always trying to get her to have a sip of her hot chocolate, when they had coffee together in the morning. It was amazing how many things reminded her of Kara. It didn’t seem to matter what she was doing, or who she was talking to,  everything seemed to remind her of the blonde. All it took was a small slip of the mind, a single wandering thought, and she was right back to missing Kara.

"Hey," Winn seemed to pick up on something in her expression, though apparently not clearly enough, because he said, "Are you okay? You look a bit sad, all of a sudden."

"I’m fine," Lena spoke, as she tried to school her features, making the downturn of her lips a little less pronounced under his scrutiny. "I just had a thought. It’s stupid really."

"Oh," Winn finally seemed to understand. In fact, he may have even picked up on the fact that Lena had been thinking of Kara. "Okay." Then, he told her in an earnest voice, "You know that I’m here for you if you need anything, right?" And Lena wanted to laugh. Because she could tell that he meant it. But he also seemed to be too scared to even come into her office.

"Winn," Lena’s nose scrunched up adorably, as she met his warm expression, "How many times do I have to tell you? You don’t have to be afraid to come into my office," she laughed, the timbre of her voice warm and bright. "I promise you that I don’t bite," she told him with a twinkling mirth in her bright green eyes. Winn then took the opportunity to step further in the room. Lena absolutely loved the deep blush she got when she added the word, "Much."

"No… No… Nope," Winn muttered, as he felt something short circuit in his brain, "Just no. I’m not going to mess with whatever that is." Lena laughed even harder, as Winn started to back out of the door. "Bye, Lena."

"Winn, wait!" Lena cried out as she quickly stood up, rushing for the door. She caught him just outside the door. "I was just kidding! Please don’t go. There’s something I really wanted to show you."

"Do I even dare to ask what it is?" he asked her. “Cause you’re in a playful mood this morning, and I don’t know if I can handle whatever strange mood you’re in.”

"Just humor me," Lena urged him, her voice turning soft and imploring as she whispered the word, " Please ."

"Fine," Winn practically grumbled as she followed her back inside of the dimmed office. 

The door slammed shut with a rather loud punctuated thud, as Winn forgot to ease it shut in his haste. This earned a slight wince from Lena, who despite having gotten a second wind recently, was still very tired.

Winn quickly followed Lena across the small office, to the monitor on Lena’s desk. 

Winn felt a spark of pride as he laid eyes on it. He’d built the computer himself with DEO resources. And because of that, the computer had a state-of-the-art CPU Processor, Hard Drive, Motherboard, and a ridiculous amount of Ram. It could run much faster than most computers out there, and was capable of running intense operations at a very fast rate. All of the hardware, CPU coolers, Cooling Fans, and GPU were housed in a specially designed Computer case, emblazoned with a variation on the L-Corp logo. Winn had designed it specifically for Lena, wanting her to feel like a valued part of the team. She’d been touched by the gesture.

"Pull up a chair," Lena calmly instructed him, as she gracefully lowered herself down into her office chair.

Winn hesitated for a moment, before his brain caught up with what Lena said and he scrambled to comply. Lena watched with a somewhat fond expression on her face, as Winn grabbed the back of the closest chair and quickly wheeled it over next to hers. He angled it towards the large computer monitor set-up, and dropped down into his seat with far less grace than Lena. He started rolling backwards, and so quickly used his feet to kick forwards. Because of this, his chair lurched forward a little bit with the action and clattered forward into the edge of Lena’s nice desk. The arms of the chair knocked into it with a loud noise, before Winn finally reached out and grasped the edge of the desk in order to keep himself from rebounding away from it. He looked all too pleased with himself when he successfully kept the chair from rolling backwards.

Once the whole ordeal was over with, Winn winced just a little bit. There was a hint of a rueful expression on his face as he uttered out a hasty apology in Lena’s direction. "Sorry."

"It’s okay," Lena smiled at him. 

"I apologize for monopolizing your time," Lena suddenly seemed a bit shy, as she turned towards him, "I just…. I wanted to show you what I was able to do with the program you designed for me."

"Oh!" Winn looked nothing short of excited, as he leaned forward, propping his elbow up on the edge of the desk.

He watched with rapt attention, as Lena’s hand moved on the trackpad, mousing down to the bottom of the Computer monitor. She quickly pulled up a minimized screen, showing Winn a digitized version of a large molecule. With a spin of the Mouse’s scroll wheel, the molecule spun in space, allowing both of them to see more of the 3D rendering. In the rendering, Winn could see every bond between the atoms comprising the molecule. Most were single bonds, but he could also see double and triple bonds, as well. Lena quickly manipulated the rather large molecule, looking for a specific section of the 3D rendering.

"You see this bit here?" Lena asked him, as she zoomed in on the "hot zone," as she called it. "This is the most important functional group in the whole molecule. Because this is what is going to attract our Isotope."

Winn looked stunned for a moment. It was clear that he was seemingly blown away by her level of genius. "That’s incredible, Lena," Winn said, as he reached out and gave her arm an affectionate squeeze, "I knew you could do it!"

"No, Not just me." Lena ducked her head shyly for a moment, before she said, " We . We did it. And I refuse to take the credit for this, because there is no way that I could have done this as quickly without your help, Winn. Something like this? Well, it would normally take me weeks, or even months. But because of your program, and the way you streamlined everything for me, I was able to do it in three and a half days. Because of you, I was able to take a purely theoretical molecule that’s never existed before, and bring it into being." The expression on Lena’s face was nothing short of grateful and heartfelt, as she met Winn’s gaze.

"I am really glad I could help," Winn said, as he reached out and gave Lena’s hand a quick comforting squeeze before retracting it. "The truth is, I’ve always wanted to work with you on a big project from the moment we became friends." He sounded hesitant as he said, "Of course, I uh… I don’t think this was the sort of project that I had in mind. But I’m really glad I could help."

Lena’s smile was wide, with her dimples on display as she said, "Me too." There was a brief pause before she said, "And hey, maybe when this is all over, you and I can work on something together. Something that interests the both of us."

"I would love that," Winn returned the smile wholeheartedly. They shared a brief moment together, before Winn’s watch started chirping and seemingly shattered the moment. Winn quickly glanced down to his wrist and winced. "Sorry, but I’ve really gotta go. The meeting is about to start, and I really wanted to get some coffee brewing ahead of time. Alex likes it when there’s coffee ready."

"Of course," Lena nodded, "I understand." She watched as Winn pushed his chair back and stood up. "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" she asked before he made his escape.

“Uh sure,” Winn replied almost hesitantly, as he put the chair back where he’d gotten it. 

"I was just wondering why you’re always so apprehensive about coming in here?” Lena questioned, her expressive green eyes looking at him with undeniable softness. “It seems like you never want to come in here, or in my laboratory."

"Oh!" Winn flushed a little bit, as he turned back to meet her gaze. "The answer to that is simple enough, I guess. It’s just… I don’t want to intrude, you know? For people like us, our office is our sanctuary - the place we can go to just take a minute of peace and quiet. It’s just… it’s sacred . And I don’t like the thought of barging into a place that you might use to escape for a bit of quiet."

Lena found herself to be speechless for a moment. Because she suddenly realized without a shadow of a doubt that Winn got her. He got what it was like for her. But more than that? He seemed to understand what she needed. He was a good friend, and she felt lucky she had people like Winn in her life.

"I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, Winn," Lena told him with undeniable fondness. "But I don’t ever want you to feel unwelcome, or scared of me in any way. Maybe you can just trust me when I say that I want you to feel comfortable around me. And in turn, I will promise that if I ever need to be alone, that I’ll let you know."

"That sounds good," Winn gave her a nod and smile, "Maybe we can come up with a code word or something, and you can say it to me, if you ever need space." Then he reconsidered his suggestion. "Or, you know… you could always just tell me to get lost," he said with a light-hearted expression on his face, "I suppose that would work too."

“But a code word is so much cooler, isn’t it?” Lena asked him with an arch of her perfectly shaped eyebrow.

“Oh, Lena,” he finally laughed, “It’s like you get me. I feel like we totally could have been siblings in another life.”

"Whoa, hold on a minute,” Lena ordered him. “Are you seriously saying what I think you’re saying? You wouldn’t mind it if we were siblings?" Lena can’t help but sound skeptical of the fact.

"Are you kidding?" Lena watched in nothing short of amazement as his expression and his eyes instantly lit up at the idea. It’s so incredibly earnest, it made her heart swell with undeniable fondness, "Please,” Winn is quick to dismiss her skepticism, as if she had no reason to doubt him, “Anybody would be lucky to have a sister like you. I know Alex thinks so. And the fact is? I think so too."

"Huh," Lena almost huffed, scoffing at the idea, "I’m pretty sure that Lex would be happy to argue with you about that one."

"Yeah?" Winn challenged, "Well, I think Lex is an idiot ." And suddenly Lena can’t stop the laugh from bubbling up inside of her. Her shoulders shook as the laughter forced its way out of her throat. Winn was just so earnest and sincere, it was hard not to be endeared by it.

"Oh, should I tell him you said so?" Lena asked him, when her laughter finally waned and she felt like she could breathe again.

"Oh god no!" Winn suddenly looked horrified. "Please don’t. Cause I’m pretty sure he’d kill me." Winn was about to say something else, when his watch suddenly started going off again. Winn quickly snapped his mouth shut, and Lena let out a soft huff of amusement as Winn gave her a pleading look. She suddenly knew what he’s asking, without him having to ask it.

"Go!" Lena told him with a wave of her hand, "Go, you dork! I’ll be along shortly. I just have a couple of things to finish up here."

"Don’t be late!" Winn called back at her, as he quickly exited the office and shut the door behind him, "You know how Alex gets when people are late to the meetings." She swore that he was already halfway down the hall when she heard him shout, "Five minutes, Lena!"

Lena quickly facepalmed, and ruefully shook her head back and forth in her hand for a few moments before she was able to pull herself together enough to set about her task. She quickly straightened up and started hastily copying files onto a flash drive. Another laugh was pulled from her lips as she thought about Winn and all of his shenanigans. 

....

It was precisely fifteen minutes later when Lena finally made it to the conference room and snuck into the back of the room. The room was packed full. It was seemingly a full house today, as the team from Earth Prime was also in attendance. 

Lena tried to make herself small as she wove her way through the crowded room, towards the only available chair she saw. She offered a small friendly wave to Felicity as she briefly locked eyes with the other woman. Felicity gave her a small smile, and a wave back, wiggling her fingers just a little bit as she did so.

Lena had just sat down, putting her full weight down in the seat, when Alex turned away from the smart-board at the front of the room, and said, "Nice of you to join us, Luthor." And Lena couldn’t help but wince at being called out. “What?” Alex’s eyes flashed, “You didn’t think I’d notice you sneaking in here?” Lena knew that Alex usually only called her by her last name when she’s got a bone to pick with her about something.

Lena suddenly felt a bit guilty for causing problems. She hid it well, however. There was only a faint flicker of emotion moving across Lena’s beautiful features, before whatever thing she just experienced was gone, quickly concealed beneath her carefully constructed mask. She didn’t like making Alex upset. Sure, she knew that Alex was quite a stickler for punctuality, but they were all doing the best they could under the circumstances. And between what she’d been doing at the DEO, and at L-Corp, she’d been working her ass off for weeks

“I’m starting to think she’s got eyes in the back of her head,” Lena mumbled quietly to the person next to her. It earned her a quiet huff of laughter from Barry.

“Oh, I could’ve told you that,” Barry quietly whispered back to her, hiding his lips behind his hand. This earned him a small smile from Lena. “She’s got a sixth sense about her, that one. The truth is, she just about scared the crap out of me when I first met her. But she means well. And she complements Kara perfectly.”

How can I move on

When everyone I see still talks about you?

How can I move on

When all the best things I have, we made together?

Here's to letting go

But I am lost in a void with your ghost and our memories

Lest we forget the great reset

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Lena apologized to her, “I just had a couple of things to finish up. They took me longer than I was anticipating.”

"Of course," Alex’s expression instantly softened, as she took in Lena’s wan features. Of course, the older woman would never admit it, but she’d developed a particular fondness for Lena over the last several months. "I’m glad you could make it, Lena. I know you’ve been working insanely hard the last couple of weeks." Lena was pleased to hear Alex acknowledge this fact.

“Do you have any updates for us?” Alex asked loudly, as she met Lena’s bright green & blue gaze.

"Actually, I do," Lena responded, in a gentle, almost musical tone, "Would you mind if I took over the meeting for a moment, and shared where we're at?" Lena gathered up her strength for a moment, before pushing herself up from the seat, as she watched Alex’s head bob up and down. 

"Sure," Alex smiled, "The floor is yours. Take it away." 

Lena tried not to feel overly self-conscious, as she felt everybody’s eyes on her. They were seemingly following her every movement, as she walked to the smart-board at the front of the room. Lena shook off her inner anxieties, as she focused on the task at hand.

Lena plugged her flash drive into the appropriate slot, and quickly grabbed the stylus from the desk in the front left corner of the room. She quickly walked back to the board, lifting her hand to the pressure sensitive screen. Alex watched all of this in total fascination, envious of Lena’s composure as the Ravenette’s hands moved over the surface with such grace and assuredness. 

Lena quickly pulled up what she’d shown Winn.

"So this is our molecule," Lena announced in a loud voice, as she used the stylus to spin it around on the digital board, just as she had done on the computer screen. "I’m happy to say that It’s no longer in the theoretical stages. And… As soon as I can carve out some much needed time in the lab, I should be able to bring it to fruition. It will be tangible rather than theoretical." Lena informed everyone in the room. 

"Wait. You’re saying we’ve finally done it? We… We have what we need for Phase 1?" Alex sounded nothing short of relieved.

"Yes," Lena nodded, before looking over to make eye contact with her. She was surprised to see tears building in Alex’s eyes. "And not only that. But this molecule? When it bonds with the isotope, it will render the isotope harmless. We will no longer have to worry about a catastrophic nuclear meltdown."

“Are you sure?” Lena vaguely heard Caitlyn Snow speak up from the other end of the long conference table.

"Yes," Lena stated, reassuringly. "I’m sure . Brainy has been rather rigorous in his testing. He spent most of the day yesterday running simulations, with the appropriate conditions and variables fed in. We’ve considered just about every possible complication. And, as of now, we have achieved a nearly perfect success rate with this isotope."

"This is the one, guys," Lena briefed them all, with a hopeful lookin her eyes and a proud smile on her lips, "And, yes, I know. I know that you’ll probably want tangible proof of this, before getting your hopes up. After all, our last attempt was an absolute disaster. But please believe me when I say with complete confidence that this is it . This is what we need to bring Kara home."

“Oh thank god,” Alex’s posture sagged just a little bit in relief, as she finally let go of the tension she’d been holding in her shoulders for the better part of three months. 

"Lena will be heading back to L-Corp for the evening, in order to take care of some of her other responsibilities," Brainy informed everyone in the room, "But she’s assured me that first thing tomorrow, she’ll be in the Chemical laboratory, synthesizing our serum."

“Unfortunately, I will be leaving for Mars later this evening,” Brainy spoke, his tone sounding mildly regretful, “So I will not be able to assist or supervise in the synthesis of the substance tomorrow. But I’m hoping that someone will be willing to step up in my place.”

"I believe what Brainy is trying to say is that Lena will need help," Alex said loudly, imparting Brainy’s intent to the individuals in the room, "Would anybody be willing to help Lena with the synthesis?" Lena felt a great deal of gratitude and love swell up inside of her, when she saw the amount of hands that went shooting up in the air after Alex’s request. The room was even loud for a moment, as nearly everyone in the room offered Lena their vocal words of support.

“Okay…. Okay,” Alex quickly motioned for everyone to quiet down. “Well, it looks like you’ve got your pick of the bunch, Lena,” she said, addressing Lena personally.

"Yes," Lena’s voice felt thick with gratitude as she locked eyes with almost everybody in the room, "Thank you so much, everyone . I’ll be sure to reach out to each and every one of you, and give you further details on what to expect. But I think it’s safe to say that It should be a very busy few days."

"Thanks, Lena," Alex told her quietly, and Lena took that to mean that she was free to return to her seat. Alex looked nothing short of grateful, offering Lena a relieved smile as she walked past her and headed back to her seat.

Alex quickly closed out of the window, and pulled up another page on the smart-board.

"So…" Alex wrung her hands, as she turned around to face the room. "I guess it's time that we moved onto Phase 2. What have we got?" she asked as she singled out Brainy.

"Well," Brainy began somewhat nervously, before clearing his throat. He met Lena’s eyes for a fraction of a moment, before he looked away with a hint of something Lena wasn’t able to discern, evident in his expression. "We need something that can remove the products, and the leftover serum from Kara’s body, without causing her additional harm. I… I think it’s safe to say that there are some individuals here who will be against the idea. But… I believe that we already have a much needed solution to our problem.." And then he spoke one of the most dreaded words Lena’s heard in the better part of a year. "We can accomplish everything we need with Nanites."

Lena felt as the world dropped out from under her. She blinked and she was suddenly right back in that warehouse, watching Jack take his last breaths, as she knelt next to him. 

She remembered it like it was yesterday. In fact. The only memory that was more vivid to her, was watching Kara bleeding out on the pavement in the middle of downtown National City.

Boxes. She had to remind herself. Still, the boxes didn’t seem to be enough this time.

Lena’s hand quickly darted up to the neckline of her shirt, as she suddenly felt as if the collar there was way too tight around her throat. She could feel her hands shaking almost violently as her hands wrestled with the fabric there. She tugged at the fabric, trying to pull it away from her skin, but the fabric seemed to be getting tighter and tighter and tighter around her neck and she felt like she couldn't breathe because of it. Her heart started to pound almost violently in her chest, as she fought the feeling of panic surging up inside of her. She suddenly couldn’t seem to breathe in the too small room, as she felt the air grow undeniably stifling around her.

Her hearing went long ago, and now all Lena could hear was the steady ringing in her ears. She was overwhelmed, and spiraling, and she didn’t know how to stop it. The world blurred around her for a moment. Black spots began to swim in her vision, and Lena squeezed her eyes shut for a long moment, before opening them again. She had to bite back a curse as the world lurched again and her vision narrowed. She couldn’t help like she was going to pass out at any moment. But she was still fighting.

Breathe, Lena 

Lena’s world suddenly lurched back into focus, as she heard a resolute voice suddenly cut through the ringing in her ears. The return of reality was so sudden, in fact, that it felt like it had just snapped right back into place.

Breathe for me. It’s gonna be okay.

Lena finally forced herself to slow things down. She took in a deep breath, counting to five as she hungrily raked the air into her lungs. However, It was hard not to suck in air too quickly, or return to the hyperventilating pattern she’d been in before. She felt as if she'd been starved of oxygen for minutes. Lena closed her eyes, holding that breath for five seconds, before releasing to the count of five. Then she repeated the cycle, over and over and over again, until she felt she could breathe again.

Once she returned to a stable state, Lena looked to see if anyone else had noticed this panic attack of hers. Fortunately, no one else had seemed to notice her distress.

Brainy was in the middle of a sentence, when Lena finally blurted out what she’d wanted to say so very badly, "We can’t use them." The words seemingly clawed their way free from her throat. "It’s too risky. Please . My own experience with nanities has shown that!”

“Lena-”

"No, Brainy," Lena sounded nothing short of angry, as she singled him out personally, "I told you everything that happened, in confidence! I told you how dangerous nanites can be! So…how could you possibly think that it would still be a good idea to use them after that?"

"Jack and I spent the better part of five years trying to get the nanites to behave in the way we wanted," Lena found herself confessing to the room full of individuals, "And in the end, they never did. He died . Jack died because he tested them on himself, and they took over his body. I’ve never been able to work with them since."

"That’s just it," Brainy said with a knowing expression, "You haven’t even considered them as an option, because you’re too afraid and too traumatized by what happened with Jack. But…it would be folly of the highest order, if we refused to even consider them as an option. And if you’re asking me? It would be nothing short of crazy if we left that particular idea in our arsenal. Especially because nanites are exactly what we need in order to get this job done."

"I don’t know if I can do it, Brainy," Lena found herself admitting. "I know that you think I’m strong enough to withstand just about anything. But I… I just don’t think I’m strong enough for this ."

"You don’t have to be, Lena," Lena’s head instantly swiveled over towards the handsome figure across the table, previously unnoticed and anonymous in the sea of other individuals. It was Ray Palmer, "Perhaps, you would consider letting me tackle this particular matter. As you know, I have extensive experience with nanites. And I believe that I can get them to perform the functions we need them to. Not only that, but I believe that I can do it all while posing minimal risk to Kara’s life."

"You realize that you’re asking me to trust you with the fate of one of my closest loved ones?" Lena suddenly asked him. Their gazes held for a long moment, with so many unspoken words and emotions lingering between them. She had to give it to Ray, though. Because he didn’t shy away from the eye-contact, but instead leaned into it. Lena couldn’t help but feel comforted by the reassurance - the promise - that she found in his eyes.

"Yes," He nodded curtly but politely, "Yes, I do. And I promise that it is not a responsibility that I take lightly. Look, I…I know that we haven’t known each other for long, but I also know that you’ve seen what I can do." This was true. After all, Ray Palmer had been very forthcoming with his technological projects from the get go. He’d even shared countless blue-prints and schematics with her, in the interest of building a future working relationship. The truth is, she’d admired him from the moment she’d met him. But that somehow didn’t seem good enough. Because now he was asking her to trust him with Kara’s life.

“He can do it.” It was Felicity Smoak speaking to Lena now. Her expression was so full of belief in the man next to her that Lena couldn’t help but want to believe in the words too.

"I-," Lena found herself hesitating. It was a big ask for her, to hand over control of something of such importance to someone else. But a part of her felt like she had no choice. She was already over-taxed and overwhelmed as it was. Despite her apprehension, she already knew what had to be done.

“You’ve got so much on your plate already, Lena,” Alex spoke as she interjected herself back into the conversation, giving her two cents, “Let someone else take some of the burden, for once. Don’t forget. We’re a team . And we need to trust each other, in order for this to work.” Then, Alex finally spoke the word that always seemed to break her, “ Please .”

"Okay," Lena forced herself to choke out the word before she could reconsider. "Okay," she repeated as she tried to convince herself that she was doing the right thing.

“Thank you, Lena,” Ray’s voice was soft and gentle, as he caught her gaze again. “I promise that I won’t let you down. Please believe me when I say that It’s going to work.” Lena nodded. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t seem to come out. She tried desperately not to let her frustration show, as she closed her mouth once more.

.....

The meeting went on for some time after that, but Lena found herself tuning out. 

She vaguely heard their approach for Phase 3, which given their new plan for Phase 2 would constitute removing the nanities from Kara’s body safely and efficiently.

“What if we used a Dialysis machine? It should be easy enough for us to alter it so that we can filter out nanites instead of toxins. Then it would just be a matter of compensating for hypovolemia,” Caitlin Snow suggested, “I could have the schematics drawn up in less than a day.”

“How would we compensate for Hypovolemia?” Lena found herself asking.

“Vasopressors, and Fluid boluses, mostly,” Cailin replied, meeting Lena’s steely gaze. “Potentially a blood transfusion if she becomes anemic,” she proffered, “Obviously, we’d have to continuously monitor Kara throughout the process. But we can do that with repeated blood draws through her I.V.”

“That’s still more invasive than a simple I.V., though,” Lena shook her head, not pleased with the idea, but not overtly opposed to it either. “She’d need a shunt installed, which requires surgery,” Lena pointed out, “And Peritoneal Dialysis would be even more invasive.”

“We should be able to install a shunt with minimal difficulty,” another member of the medical team contributed. Lena did not know his name. “Her Kryptonian physiology would have been the biggest barrier to the procedure,” he continued, “But she’ll be human at the time of the procedure. And we should be able to install the shunt, no problem.” Then they think to add, “The biggest risk to Kara’s safety, of course, is the fragility of some shunts. We’ll just have to be careful to protect the site. But as long as we do that, I see no problem in proceeding with the plan.”

“Still,” Alex shook her head, not entirely satisfied with things either, “I’d like a Plan B. Just in case something goes wrong. We can’t afford to put all our eggs in one basket - not when it comes to something as important as this.”

“Of course,” Caitlin nodded in complete understanding, “The medical team and I will draw up some additional plans, and will deliver them to you within the week.”

“That would be great! Thank you, Dr. Snow,” Alex responded gratefully, before glancing down at her watch.

“Well, guys, ” Alex spoke as she looked back up from her watch, before meeting the tired gazes of everyone in the room. Her voice thick with appreciation and optimism as she said, “We’ve come such a long way, in such a short amount of time. And I am so incredibly proud of you all. I feel like I’d be remiss, if I didn’t tell all of you how absolutely grateful I am to each and every one of you for your work. So thank you.” Lena could see tears brimming in Alex’s eyes as she declared, “It means the world to me. And I know that if Kara were here, she’d be incredibly grateful too.” They all watched as Alex quickly reached up to wipe the tears away from under her eyes.

“Now…. I think that’s enough for today.” Alex announced, looking thoroughly drained. 

“Just a moment, Alex,” Dr. Eric Mahalo, one of the medical team personnel, quickly spoke up.

He was a handsome man, with a perfectly proportioned face, and deep brown eyes. He had an adorable dimple in the center of his chin, and a thin scar splitting his right eyebrow into two lines. He also had a full head of short brown hair that often spilled down just over his eyes and often had to be brushed away. He had a youthful look about him, but Lena knew he had to be in his thirties now. Lena had only met the man in passing a couple of times, but she found him to be a perfectly pleasant fellow. He was always friendly and eager to help. And most importantly, he never gave her even a hint of being uncomfortable in her presence, which was rare.

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Lena could instantly tell that he felt uneasy at having to interrupt, “I believe there’s one more matter to address? It’s in relation to the medical facility you requested.”

“Oh! Yes,” Alex responded. “Thank you, Dr. Mahalo! I almost forgot.”

“I’ve got good news,” he reassured her with a warm smile. “I was able to secure the facility for our use. It's perfectly isolated so there will be no danger to the general public.” he told her. “And now there’s just the matter of securing personnel.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about finding personnel,” Alex explained to Dr. Mahalo. “We’ll be transferring some doctors over from another one of our other facilities. And there shouldn’t be any difficulty since they’re already quite familiar with Kara’s case,” Alex disclosed.

“Ah,” Eric looked as if he instantly understood, “So I take it that they were the ones to treat her before.”

“Yes,” Alex nodded, “They’re also able to withstand the radiation, so that’s a big help too.”

“It is,” he agreed, “Well, I’m glad it all worked out.” 

“It makes my job a hell of a lot easier,” he joked, with a good-natured wink aimed in Alex’s direction.

“Okay,” Alex cleared her throat as a quiet settled over the room once more, “Well, if that’s everything? I think we’re ready to adjourn for now.” When Alex heard nothing else to the contrary, she clapped her hands in relief and excitement, happy to finally be finished. ”Alright, guys, feel free to clear out.” And just like that, chaos broke out, as everyone started clearing out of the room. 

Lena stood up slowly. She was more than willing to be one of the stragglers. 

She was taken slightly aback, when she glanced up in order to find Brainy in front of her, looking nothing short of anxious. It almost looked as if guilt was weighing him down.

“I’m sorry, Lena,” he apologized to her, his eyes and expression full of regret. “I really feel like I have not been a very good friend to you as of late.”

“It’s alright,” Lena murmured with a sad shake of her head, “I know it’s nothing personal. We’ve just been on the opposite side of some issues lately. It happens.”

“Still,” he looked morose, as he struggled to find the right words to say, “The last thing I ever want to do is cause you pain. And I feel like I’ve caused you too much.”

“Hey,” Lena forced a small smile onto her face, “You’re just doing what you think is best, and so am I. We can still be friends. I promise that it doesn’t have to change anything.” Then she thought to add,. “And you were right about the nanites. I… I didn’t want to hear it, but you were right. I was just scared because of everything that happened with Jack. And because of that, I let it cloud my judgment. A good scientist doesn’t do that.”

“Lena,” he chided her, “You’re the best scientist I’ve ever had the privilege of working with.”

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked her, worriedly. “I know that it couldn’t have been easy, giving up control of the project in that way,” he spoke, with a knowing glint in his eyes. “People like you and I, we need to have control over everything.”

It was true. Lena was very much used to having absolute control over everything that went on in her projects. But this? This was something altogether different. Alex was right. They were a team. And it was unrealistic for Lena to take control over all aspects of this project. Maybe it would have been reasonable for her to have the final say on everything when it was just the three of them (Winn, Brainy, & Lena), but now that the project had taken on a life of its own, things were vastly different.

“Yeah,” Lena spoke reassuringly, as she lifted a hand and pressed it against Brainy’s upper arm in a gesture of comfort. “Yeah, I think so.” She paused for just a moment, before she thought to add, “If anything, I think that I’m relieved to have that off my plate. I mean… I've already been so incredibly busy with this project, and with stuff at L-Corp, that it’s nice to not have to worry about anything else. Plus Ray is right, he has an extensive history with Nanites, and will be able to figure out things better than I could.”

“I… I’m proud of you, Lena,” Brainy offered her a genuine smile, his eyes full of sincerity and pride. “You… You are a much better person than I.”

“I highly doubt that,” Lena replied with a wry shake of her head. “Sure, sometimes you’re a little too analytical about things for my liking. But you’ve grown so much in the short time we’ve been friends. And you’re constantly bettering yourself. I think that that’s all anyone can ask for.”

“Thanks,” Querl looked somewhat shy as he ducked his head for a moment. Lena couldn’t help but find it cute.

A moment of silence built between them, and used this opportunity to change the subject. 

“So… You’re leaving for Mars tonight? Did I hear that right?” Lena questioned, as she casually leant back against the table behind her, her hands grasping the edge of the table in her fist. Because the truth is, her feet were starting to hurt. Heels were not made for standing in.

“Yeah,” he confirmed, “You heard correctly. I just have a few more things to gather up before I go. But I should be leaving just before midnight. I should be there by tomorrow evening.”

Lena couldn’t help the spike of envy that went shooting through her, at the thought that Brainy was going to get to do what she couldn’t. He was going to see Kara. And she was going to be stuck here, on Earth. It wasn’t fair. She felt the cut of that particular emotion. It was deep and raw, and she didn’t quite know what to do with the pain she felt. Silently, she tried to fight it. But the lid of that particular box felt like it was about to come off. The truth is, she’d been shoving so many of her feelings in that box lately, that she was pretty sure it was full to bursting. 

She quickly decided that it was finally high time to clean out that box. It was time to let those feelings go. And more than that, she was confident that Brainy wouldn’t hold her feelings against her.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Lena asked him in a near whisper as she looked around. The glint in her eyes was that of a conspiratorial sort. And it got Brainy to bite, almost immediately.

“Sure,” he said in an equally quiet voice, as he leant in.

“There is a part of me that is so damned jealous that you get to see her and I don’t,” Lena admitted calmly. But her eyes and her expression gave her away all too well. He could see the pain there, and he felt guilty as she said, “I really wish I were an alien right about now.”

“Ah,” Brainy breathed, his voice and expression soft and sympathetic. He immediately understood. “I was wondering how you might feel about the situation.”

“I know… I know that it’s not fair that I get to see her and you don’t. But you’ll see her soon, Lena,” he avowed reassuringly, as he reached down to squeeze her wrist in a comforting gesture, “I fully believe that. You just have to have faith.”

“I’ve never really been good at taking things on faith,” Lena sighed, “It’s just really hard to be patient right now. It’s like… the closer we get to having a concrete plan to bring her home, the more impatient I get.”

“Yeah,” he agreed wholeheartedly, “It’s harder when you start getting closer to the end of the tunnel, and start to see the light. Because then you can actually start anticipating what it’s going to feel like to feel the heat of the sun again.”

“Oh, wow,” Lena seemed momentarily stunned, “Did you actually stumble on a really good analogy?” Then she joked, “Look at you, finally getting a handle on the English language.”

“Hey!” Querl pretended to be outraged, but Lena could easily see the glint of mirth in his eyes, “I will have you know I’m getting better. It’s just… The nuances of this planet and time-period are downright perplexing, Lena.” Then, “Just ask Kara! She’ll back me up on that one!”

And how can I move on

When everyone I see still talks about you?

How can I move on

When all the best things I have, we built together?

Here's to letting go

But I am trapped in a void with your ghost and our memories

Come save me

“Kara does just fine with the English language,” Lena found herself arguing. “She’s a top-tier journalist for goodness sake.”

“But she fails with subtext,” Querl was all too quick to shoot back. “She’s good with interpretation, but not so much with social cues.” Then, he continued, “I mean… Why else do you think she never picked up on your feelings? Lena, you flirted with her all the time, bought all kinds of amazing gifts for her - Hell, you bought a 750 million dollar company for her-  and the whole time she thought you were just being friendly.”

“What?” Lena found herself floored by his last comment, as she asked for clarification, “Wait! Hold on a minute… Are you seriously saying what I think you’re saying? She didn’t even know when I was flirting with her? Or when I was asking her out?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” he laughed, finding the situation nothing short of hilarious.

“I thought she just wasn’t interested,” Lena muttered, feeling suddenly discouraged. “That's why I stopped trying.”

“Please don’t be too angry with her, okay? Because I know exactly what it’s like to be in that position. She just thought it was just normal friendly behavior.” And Lena was suddenly hit with the urge to smack herself in the face. Because, a lot of things finally seem to make sense.

“Oh my god !” Lena breathed in nothing short of disbelief, as she lifted a hand to her mouth and laughed so hard that it engaged the muscles in her belly. “Why on earth did I have to go and fall in love with an oblivious alien? Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent trying to woo her over the years?”

“Well,” Brainy said almost cockily, the inflection of his voice taunting, “I’m guessing that it’s somewhere north of 750 million dollars?”

“Stop it,” Lena acted scandalized, as she gave Brainy a playful smack on the shoulder. “I told you that in confidence, you asshole! And now you’ve rubbed my face in it not once, but twice .”

“Sorry,” Querl looked remorseful as he said, “it’s just going to be really hard for you to ever live that down. Especially, because you never needed to spend any money on her to make her fall in love with you, Lena. You just needed to be you .” 

“You could easily take all of the material stuff away, and she’d still love you just as much as she did before,” Brainy conveyed to Lena, “For Kara, it’s all about the time she spends with you. It’s in the smiles, and the hugs, and the kind words you share. It was never about anything else.”

“So in summation,” Lena joked, with a flash of her brilliant green eyes, "You're telling me that I could have saved myself a lot of money, if I’d just came out and told her how I felt about her.”

“That’s exactly what he’s telling you,” Alex spoke as she magically appeared. The brunette made a show of looking between Lena and Brainy, as she asked the all-important question, “So… Did you guys make up?”

“We were never really fighting,” Lena corrected her, “We just had a point of disagreement. But we’re good now.”

“Good,” Alex spoke, as she positioned herself next to Lena, leaning on the table. She was close enough that their shoulders would brush against each other if either of them moved more than a few inches.

“So,” Brainy glanced down at his watch, and then back up to Lena, “I should get going. But before I do, I wanted to ask if there’s anything you wanted me to give Kara while I’m there.”

“Well, I sort of made her a care package of some of her favorite foods, but from what I understand, she hasn’t been eating a whole lot,” Lena admitted as she reached up to the back of her neck, and began to rub at some of the tense muscles there. 

“Still, I’m sure she’d love the thought. And, hey? Maybe it’ll spark her appetite. You never know,” Brainy supplied helpfully.

“Plus,” Alex offered Lena a knowing smile, “You should know, if there’s any way to Kara’s heart, it’s with food.”

“Oh, I’m well aware,” Lena laughed, a wide smile splitting her face as she mentally recalled the amount of food she’d bought for the Kryptonian over the last few years, “I’m pretty sure I’ve spent a fortune feeding her over the last few years.” Then. “And you were just telling me that I didn’t need to spend any money to win her love, not more than a minute ago.”

“I didn’t lie,” Alex challenged. “Because I’m pretty sure you ‘won’ Kara’s heart years ago. At this point, you’re just further solidifying that love.”

“Okay… Okay,” Lena relented, “Point taken.” 

Lena met Brainy’s gaze, as she mentioned. “The care package is in my office. There’s a couple of extra things in there too. Just make sure she gets it?”

“Of course,” he promised.

“And everything that you need for the infusion should be in my office,” Alex told him, while meeting his gaze. Lena felt a spike of panic, as she suddenly believed she knew what Alex was referring to.

“Wait…” Lena suddenly couldn’t seem to fight the quaver in her voice, as she was overcome with fear, “Tonight? You’re doing it tonight?”

“What?” Alex seemed confused for a moment, but then she quickly noticed the faraway look in Lena’s eyes, the expression of horror on Lena’s face, and she quickly understood. She watched in real time as Lena’s complexion blanched, so that she was now white as a ghost. She knew she needed to rectify the situation, and fast. “Oh!” Alex gasped. “No, Lena. It’s not what you think. We’re waiting to initiate the Kryptonite treatment, until she’s back with the medical team.” And Lena finally let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“With the possible complications of doing something like that,” Alex explains, “it just… wouldn’t make sense to do it with a team of two. I mean… if something went wrong, we’d be in serious trouble.” Then, Alex reiterated everything, just to make sure Lena’s heard her, “No. Brainy is just going to be giving her an infusion of vitamins intravenously. Her last bloodwork showed she was running low on some essential elements. She’s especially running low on Calcium and Sodium, both of which the heart needs to function properly, as you well know.”

“Sorry,” Lena felt herself flush with embarrassment, “It’s just for a moment, my mind went there. But I’m glad you’re waiting until she’s planet-side for that.” All three of them flinched, as a loud buzzing sound suddenly filled the room. Lena could feel her phone going off in her pocket. She quickly shifted onto her feet, so she could better pull it out of her pocket. 

“It’s me,” Lena revealed, as she pulled out the device, and caught sight of the screen. She decided not to answer it, but instead let it be her reminder that she needed to get to L-Corp. “I’m afraid I need to get going. I have a meeting with Sam, and then I have an emergency meeting scheduled with the Board.”

“Of course,” Alex stated in complete understanding. “We won’t keep you any longer.”

“Thanks,” Lena murmured, as she started to leave. However, her escape was stalled as she felt Alex catch her by the arm. The other woman’s hand was warm against her, even through the fabric of her blouse, as Alex's long fingers wrapped around her upper arm.

Lena had to choke back a laugh as Alex made a soft tutting sound in her throat.

“Wouldn’t a hug be showing favoritism?” Lena questioned her. 

The question is eerily reminiscent of the one she’d once asked Kara after taking over Catco, and she was suddenly struck with a memory of hugging Kara in the middle of the bull-pen on her first day as the new Catco CEO.

“You know I don’t give a flying fuck about that,” Alex practically scoffed. “Now get over here and give me my hug, Luthor, or I might seriously have to start questioning your love for me.”

“Fine,” Lena softly grumbled, as she quickly sank into Alex’s waiting arms. The older woman wasted no time before wrapping her arms around Lena in a gentle hug. Lena continued to grumble, as if she’s displeased.. But of course, they both know that it’s a load of sh-. Because somehow Lena had become addicted to Danver's sisters hugs. “I wouldn’t ever want you to doubt my love for you. Or for Kara for that matter.”

“Good,” Alex punctuated the word, as she reluctantly released her hold on Lena. “Now go,” she ordered the younger woman as she vaguely waved her hand in the direction of the door, “Be free.”

“Thanks,” Lena replied with an overly fond look on her face, her eyes and smile bright.

Lena turned back to give Brainy one last look.

“Have a safe trip, Brainy,” Lena bided him, with a soft smile, “I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Sounds good, Lena,” Brainy replied. He and Alex both watched as Lena walked out the door, like a woman on a mission.

It had always been a spot of amazement for Alex, how Lena carried on under such circumstances. The young woman had been working herself into the ground for the better part of two months. And yet, every morning Lena got up with a sense of purpose and newfound determination. Of course, Alex had tried to get her to stop and rest on multiple occasions, thinking that it was her duty as Lena’s pseudo-sister to take care of her when Lena refused to take care of herself. But Lena fought her on it every time, insisting that she had handled far worse in her lifetime. The sad thing was, Alex knew it was probably true. Lena had endured so much in her short lifetime. 

There were days that Lena looked absolutely destroyed - like the smallest breeze might very well knock her over. And yet, she persisted. She refused to give up. And Alex admired the hell out of her for that. She just worried about Lena.

--------

On her way out of the D.E.O., Lena decided to stop by the breakroom in order to grab a coffee for the road. She suspected that she was going to need as much caffeine as possible in order to make it through the rest of her day at L-Corp, especially now that she knew that the Board was looking to cause problems.

As she headed into the break room, she looked down at her phone, and typed out a quick message to Sam in order to let her know that she was on her way. She did a cursory check of the words to make sure there weren't any mistakes, and hit send. Based on how quiet it was in the room, Lena would have guessed she was alone. But that illusion was quickly shattered as she looked up in order to find herself under the intense scrutiny of another person in the room.

Lena felt herself stop short, suddenly feeling like an intruder in the place that’s become like a second home to her in the last four months. The tension in the air was thick as she locked eyes with them for the first time. And It was honestly a little hard for Lena to breathe, as she felt the weight settle between them. 

“Oh,” Lena visibly paled, as she took in James’ unreadable expression. He looked just as surprised to see her, as she was to see him. As it so happened, they hadn’t really crossed paths much in the last several months. Perhaps, there had even been some sort of unspoken rule between them that they would go out of their way to not be alone together. But Lena’s not sure. She just knew that she’d been doing her best to avoid him since that night in their office where everything had come to light.

And, of course, James happened to be standing exactly where she needed to go. Everything in Lena was suddenly fighting against her going further into the room. Lena quickly re-evaluated her needs, and considered alternative options. Perhaps, she could just grab a cup of coffee on her way into L-Corp, and avoid all of this unpleasantness.

“Sorry,” Lena muttered out a soft apology, as she held eye contact with him, “I didn’t realize you were in here. I - I can go.”

“No,” James was all too quick to respond, the shake of his head stopping her back-pedal out of the room. “No, It’s okay,” he reassured her. His words quickly stopped her retreat. She couldn’t be sure how honest he was being. But at the very least, his tone sounded sincere and earnest. “You really don’t have to do that. I promise. We can both be adults about this.”

“I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” she commented to him in a quiet voice, as she remained frozen in place, “I know you probably hate me.” It was embarrassing how her legs refused to cooperate.

“Please, I…I don’t hate you,” James spoke after a long moment’s silence, along with a wry shake of his head. 

“You don’t?” Lena’s eyes flashed in alarm. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised by this. Because if it had been her, she doesn’t think she would have been nearly as forgiving.

“No,” James confirmed, his response leaving little doubt.

“The fact is, I never did,” James professed, emphasizing his words. “Don’t get me wrong. I was, and still am very hurt. And, the truth is, when I left you that night I was absolutely crushed by what you'd told me. But it’s been almost two months since that then, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything.” 

Lena finally seemed to find her confidence, as James made a point of stepping aside and gesturing to the coffee pot. She slowly sauntered forwards, inserting herself into the space that he just vacated. She was careful not to get too close, not wanting to make things any more uncomfortable than they already were.

She silently derided herself for the way that her hands were shaking just a little bit, as she grabbed the coffee pot with one hand, and an insulated cup in the other. She quickly poured herself a cup of coffee, and set the pot back on the hot plate, before stepping back and turning so that she was facing James.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just as much to blame for a lot of it, as you are,” James quietly confessed, earning himself an appraising glance from Lena.

“Really?” Lena’s eyebrows arched upwards a little bit in her surprise, as she leveled a look in his direction, “And just how do you figure that?”

“Well, for one, I think I always knew the two of you loved each other,” James admitted sheepishly, as he leaned back against the wall. He reached up to fiddle with his tie, before continuing, “I mean….all of the signs were there. I just… I sort of brushed them aside at the beginning.” And Lena felt her heart squeeze especially hard at this particular revelation. 

So James had known that there was something there. 

“The problem is, even if I did see the signs, I still fell hard for you, and I fell fast,” James told her, with a sad shake of his head, “And you? You didn’t fall for me at all.”

“I’m so sorry,” Lena’s voice cracked under her words, as a thin film of tears built in her eyes, “I…. I tried so hard not to fall for her. I really did. I fought it because I didn’t want to lose her friendship. But it didn’t seem to matter, because I still fell for her in the end.” Lena shook her head. She was sorry. And yet, there was a part of her that couldn’t be as sorry as she thought she needed to be.

“Whether or not you blame me for the situation, I am at fault ,” Lena admitted, willing to take the blame. “Because I used you. Sure, I don’t think I ever meant to. But I did. I… I thought that if I pursued you, that it would help me get over my feelings for her. But it didn’t work. My feelings for her just got stronger and stronger, and I-” Lena cut herself off, as she reached up to wipe the tears from the bottom of her eyes. “Well, you know the rest.”

“I do,” James confirmed, his eyes and expression sad, “But it’s not just your fault. I mean… after taking the time to think about it, I realized that we were pretty much doomed from the start,” James declared to her as he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his dress pants, “The fact is, we got into a relationship because we were both a bit lonely, and we were trying to fill that void. And that? Well, I think we both know that that never ends well.”

“Still, it kills me that I hurt you,” Lena countered, her tone and expression morose. “I don’t want you to think I’m a horrible person.”

“You don’t have to worry about that then,” James chuckled faintly, his chocolate eyes and his expression were warm and open as he looked at her, “Because I don’t think that at all. The funny thing is, I used to think so, But that was before I ever really knew you.”

“Oh?” Lena felt her lips tug upwards in a small smile of amusement, as she looked at him. She’d always had a feeling he wasn’t a fan of her in the beginning. But now he’d all but confirmed it.

“Like I said that night in your office,” James recounted, ”Kara was the first one to see the good in you, long before the rest of us did. She used to have to listen to us rant about how you were just like the others in your family.” 

“But she always believed in you,” James recalled, “She never doubted you.”

“Then you bought Catco, and I got to work with you every day,” he looked contemplative as he took a short trip down memory lane, “I got to see the kind of person you were behind the scenes - the way you genuinely cared about everybody. And I mean…. Goodness, Lena, you were everything she said you were and more.” James sounded nothing short of passionate, as he finished.

“And even though I got hurt in the end, I’m still grateful I got to know you as a human being, and as a friend,” James spoke, deciding to look on the bright side. 

“Of course, part of me wishes that you had admitted how you felt about her sooner - that you would have stopped things between us before they ever even started,” James divulged, “But I believe you when you say you didn’t know how you felt about her. And denial? Well, denial can be a powerful thing when we let it be.”

“I guess it is,” Lena’s voice was soft, as she ruminated on just how true those words were.

“Despite it all, I still believe you’re an amazing person with a good heart,” James told her with conviction.

“I’m so sorry,” Lena apologized. It didn’t seem good enough. And yet, it’s all she could say.

“I…can’t believe I’m saying this,” James spoke with a hint of disbelief. He seemed surprised by his own feelings as he found something within himself. “But it’s okay,” James breathed, “I… I forgive you, Lena.”

“Do you really mean that?” Lena asked him in a thick voice.

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded. “It’s just… you didn’t exactly cheat on me, did you? And sure, you had a bit of an emotional affair. But you shut things down pretty quickly after you realized how you felt about her. You… You made a mistake.”

“I’m not going to lie,” James continued, “It’s going to be very hard for me to forget the way you hurt me. But… I hope that someday we can be good friends.”

“Really? You’d want that?” Lena’s voice sounded small and unsure, as she replied. But she also sounded very hopeful of this possibility. Because she really did like James as a friend.

“Yeah,” he asserted, holding her gaze, “Yeah, I do.” 

“And I also really hope that you and Kara are able to work everything out,” James told her in a supportive manner, “Because I think that the two of you are perfect for one another. She might even be your soulmate.” 

“I've never really believed in the concept of soulmates,” Lena confirmed wholeheartedly. “All I know is that I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. I love her so much, James. And I feel empty without her. I can't live without her.” 

“Then, in that case, I hope that you two will be very happy,” James wished for her. And Lena couldn’t even have begun to tell him just how much that meant to her.

“If it’s okay with you,” He finally spoke, after silence built between them for a moment, “I’ll…I’ll come by and get the rest of my things from your place by the end of the week.” James announced, as he pushed off of the wall so that he was standing straight upwards again.

“Of course,” Lena replied. She was grateful to him for allowing her this little bit of closure they both needed to truly move on. “I’ll make sure to have it ready for you,” Lena gave him a watery smile.

“Cool,” he smiled at her, before he started heading over towards the door. It seemed like he was happy to have a bit of closure, as well. “Thanks, Lena.”

“Hey, James?” Lena’s words caught him by the door. She forced a smile onto her face, as he turned back to look at her one last time.

“Yeah?” James inquired in a warm voice.

“For what it’s worth, you really are a great guy,” Lena proclaims, as she holds his gaze. Her words are sincere, as she told him, “It might not have been me, but I really do believe that there is someone out there for you - someone who can make you happier than I ever could.”

“I hope you’re right about that,” James responds with a wry smile tugging at his handsome features, “Thanks, Lena.” And with that, he was gone. 

Lena was alone. 

She let out a soft sigh, as she slumped against the counter, her head tipping forwards as she closed her eyes in sheer relief. She was free.

--------

Lena spent the next six hours at L-Corp, with her body running on fumes. Jess did her best to take care of her, of course. She made sure Lena ate lunch between her meetings. She’d even chased off several people, who had tried to stop by for unscheduled meetings. But even so, Lena was exhausted.

“Miss Luthor,” Jess greeted, as Lena walked down the hall towards the sanctuary of her office. 

“Afternoon, Jess,” Lena reciprocated with as much energy as she could muster. However, that wasn’t saying much. “And I’m pretty sure I’ve told you a million times. to call me Lena .”

“My apologies, Lena ,” Jess said with a chastened look. Then, she seemed to notice how exhausted the other woman looked, because she said, “Hey, are you okay? You look dead on your feet.”

“I’m fine,” Lena lied, “I’m just tired. Dealing with the Board just takes it out of me. And I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“By that, I’m assuming that you mean that you didn’t get any sleep last night,” Jess said with a knowing look on her face.

“Geez, am I that transparent?” Lena joked.

“You forget how well I know you,” Jess laughed, with a roll of her eyes. Her expression turned suddenly serious, however, as she said, “With that being said, I’m placing you under office arrest, for the next couple of hours until I leave,” Jess informed her. “I will make sure you are not disturbed.”

“Jess-”

“Did it sound like I was looking for an argument?” Jess snarked. “Now go,” she said as she shooed Lena towards her office. 

“Gosh,” Lena huffed, “You’re bossy .”

“Please! Don’t pretend that that isn’t why you hired me, Lena,” Jess replied. “You needed someone who could stand toe to toe with you and not back down. Now I won’t tell you this again. Go take a nap. I'll see to it you aren't disturbed.”

“Yes, Jess,” Lena smiled, before pushing open the door to her office, “Thank you.” 

She met her assistant’s gaze one more time, before stepping inside. She heard a, “You’re welcome, Miss Luthor,” follow her into the room.

When the door finally clicked shut behind her, and she heard it lock with a faint click, Lena let out a heavy breath of exhaustion. She leant back against the door and closed her eyes for a long moment. Her office was quiet, as the insulated walls did their job to keep the noise out.

Lena finally let out a sigh, and opened her eyes before she reached over and hit the switch on the wall. The electric blinds instantly started lowering over the windows with a faint noise, blocking out most of the obtrusive sunlight. 

Lena quickly padded over to the white couch located along the wall, and let out a soft noise of exhaustion as she lowered herself onto its soft cushion. 

She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, as she found herself being bombarded with countless memories of sitting on the very same couch with Kara. 

Her head sank into her hands, as she struggled to breathe for a long moment.

If I could bring you back

There are truths and confessions I'd tell you

I'd set things straight

And I believe that you would love and forgive me

Lena had been working at her desk, when her present task was interrupted by a soft buzz. Almost instinctively, she picked up the phone, in order to find Jess on the other line.

“Miss Luthor, Kara Danvers is here to see you, if you have a moment? She said you’d requested to see her.”

“Yes,” Lena confirmed, “Yes, I did. Please send her in.”

Only a few heartbeats passed, before the large wooden door in her office swung open, and Kara stepped through. 

Lena quickly forced herself up and out of her office chair, quickly sweeping across the space between them.

“Kara!” The expression on her face was nothing short of affectionate, as she met Kara near the door.

“Lena,” Kara breathed as she pulled Lena into a gentle embrace, rocking Lena gently back and forth in her arms. Lena sunk into the embrace, burying her face into the crook between Kara’s neck and shoulder. She could feel Kara’s hand rubbing soft circles against Lena’s back. And Lena closed her eyes, trying to take in every detail. Kara smelled amazing, and the fabric of her cashmere sweater was so soft under Lena’s hands. Kara’s hair had been pulled up into a ponytail, but even so, some of the incredibly soft and silky strands tickled the bare flesh of Lena’s arm as she wrapped it around Kara’s upper back. 

They slowly parted.

“Oh,” Lena hummed, “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. I feel like I’ve barely seen you lately.”

“I know,” Kara agreed, “Gosh, It’s so good to see you. I’m sorry we haven’t had the chance to spend more time together as of late, but I’ve been insanely busy. And from what I hear, you’ve been busy too.”

“I have,” Lena confirmed. Then she waved her hand towards the couch, “Here, come sit.” 

Lena led Kara over to the couch, and saw her to its cushions, before she offered her something to drink, “Would you like a drink of water?”

“Water would be lovely,” Kara smiled at her, “Thank you.” Kara’s gaze followed Lena over to the pitcher of water in the corner, watching as Lena gracefully poured two glasses of water, before ambling back over to the couch. Lena carefully handed a glass off to Kara, before she lowered herself to the cushions a very small distance. She took a quick sip of her water and set it down on the table. Then, she readjusted herself on the couch. By the time that Lena angled her body towards Kara, there had been only a few inches between them. Lena would have been lying if she said that she hadn’t felt that distance between them, acutely.

“So…” Kara’s eyes were bright, her expression completely open to Lena, as she offered the other woman a gentle smile, “You wanted to see me?”

“Y-Yes,” Lena tried to keep the nervousness out of her voice, as she spoke, “I actually wanted to talk with you about something important. I uh… I don’t know how much Alex has told you. But things are escalating out there with the World-killers, and I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“Oh, Lena,” Lena felt her stomach do a strange sort of flip, as Kara reached out for her hand, placing her soft, warm hand over Lena’s own on the cushion between them. “It’s really sweet of you to worry about me, but I’m okay.”

“But I do worry about you,” Lena admitted. “It’s just… You mean so much to me, and I couldn’t imagine what I would do if something ever happened to you.” Then, “As you know, I’ve been working with the DEO. And I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but they’re planning to make a last stand against the World-killers at the end of next week. I’m… I’m going to be closing down Catco, and ceasing non-critical operations at L-Corp prior to then. I’m hoping that people at both companies will take this opportunity to get out of the city. And, well? I’m hoping I can convince you to do the same.”

“Oh,” Lena couldn’t help but feel confused by the unreadable expression on Kara’s face. It almost looked like she felt guilty, but Lena didn’t understand why the blonde would feel that way.

“Please, Kara,” Lena tried not to beg the other woman. “I know you don’t like the idea of leaving Alex at a time like this, but I have a feeling it’s going to be really bad. And I’d feel so much better about everything if I knew you were safe.” Lena hated herself for spilling her heart in this way. But the truth was, she was willing to swallow all of her pride, so long as it meant that the woman she cared for would be safe. “I think you know. I could endure just about anything, but I’d never be able to bear it if something happened to you. Please… Please just get out of the city. Go see your mother for a little while.” Lena couldn’t stop the cracks from forming in her voice as she spoke the words.

“I don’t reckon I could get you to do the same?” Kara asked hopefully. 

“No,” Lena admitted, “I'm afraid that I’ve already committed to the cause. But you? You haven’t.” Then Lena shook her head, “You don’t owe anyone, anything Kara.” Lena moved closer, reaching up to Kara’s face. She had no idea what she was doing. But the pull between them was so strong. 

Kara’s eyes fluttered shut, at the feel of Lena’s hand on her face. When her eyes opened again, it was to find Lena close. 

“Please,” Lena begged her again, her voice thick with so much emotion, so much love, “I-”

I love you. Lena wanted to say. In fact, she was pretty sure she'd been dying to say it for so long. But she couldn't. Because it wouldn't be fair to Kara or to James.

“It’ll kill me if something happens to you,” Lena took the cowardly way out.

Then, mercifully, Kara uttered the word Lena so desperately needed to hear. 

“Okay,” Kara relented, and Lena felt the unbearable tension inside of her release. It was like a rubber band snapping. One minute she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and the next minute she felt like she was free.

“Okay?” Lena’s expression had been so full of hope. She forced herself to let go of Kara’s cheek, especially when she realized how much she wanted to kiss her. Kara tried not to flinch from the lack of contact.

“Yes,” Kara confirmed, “I think I’m due for a visit home, anyway. And I’m sure Eliza would love the company.”

“Thank you,” Lena told her, her voice full of such gratitude. “Thank you, Kara.”

“Of course,” Kara smiled, “It’s the least I could do. Besides…I don’t want you to be distracted by me. You’ll have enough to worry about without adding me into to the mix.” Then. “I just want you to promise me something,” Kara asked in return. 

“Of course,” Lena was quick to promise, “Anything.”

“Let Alex look after you?” Kara requested, “Do what she says, so I can know you’re safe too.”

“I will,” Lena assured her.

“Good,” Kara smiled. They were both interrupted by the ringing of a phone. Lena could feel the vibrations working their way through the padding of the cushion. Kara gave Lena an impish, apologetic look, as she pulled the phone out of her pocket, guiltily. “Sorry,” she uttered a hasty apology, before hitting the button to answer it and lifting the phone to her ear. 

“Hello?” Kara spoke in a quiet voice, as if Lena couldn’t hear her regardless. Lena’s brow furrowed as she heard a voice she couldn’t place on the other end.

“Oh, Hey,” Kara replied. Kara’s expression was unreadable, as the person on the other end spoke to her. “Of course. No, I haven’t forgotten. I just had a quick errand that I had to run.” There was another pause as the person on the other end said something else, “No. It was a meeting. I had one scheduled, and I couldn’t cancel it.” Then. “Of course. I’ll be right there. Thanks.” Lena watched as Kara pulled the phone away from her ear, and pocketed the device. 

“Sorry,” Kara winced dramatically as she met Lena’s eyes, “But I’m afraid I have to go.”

“Is everything okay?” Lena asked worriedly, “I didn’t get you in trouble did I?”

“No,” Kara spoke with a quick flippant wave of her hand, as she stood up. “No, not at all. Just…if anyone asks, could you tell them that I was meeting with you about an article?”

“Of course,” Lena smiled, as she mirrored her actions to Kara’s and stood up as well, quickly untucking her leg from the couch and pushing herself to her feet. “I mean…I did request to see you, so it’s only fair.”

“Right,” Kara replied, with a grateful smile.

“So I don’t know if I’ll get to see you before you leave,” Lena told her, “But I’m hoping that maybe once this is all over, that you and I could get dinner?” Lena asked hopefully, “There’s something I’d really like to talk to you about.”

“Oh,” Kara’s expression fell, “Of course. Did I… I mean, is there something wrong?”

“No,” Lena shook her head, “No, It’s just… Well, Sam said something to me a little while ago, and it made me realize I haven’t exactly been fair to you lately. I want to make sure that we’re okay.”

“Lena,” Kara sighed, her eyes impossibly blue, “Of course we’re okay. Look, I know I scared you with our last fight. But I swear, we’re fine.”

“I’m so glad to hear it,” Lena told her, “But that’s really not what this is about. Just…please trust me?”

“Always,” Kara promised.

“Then we can have dinner when you get back?” Lena pressed, her expression both hopeful and pleading at the same time. 

“Just name the time and place, and I’ll be there,” Kara said, as she met Lena’s impossibly green eyes. And Lena had to swallow down her love for the woman in front of her, as Kara pulled her into her arms and held her for a long, drawn out moment. 

Lena wished more than anything, she could have lived in this moment indefinitely - in the safety of Kara’s strong embrace.

“Thank you,” Lena whispered.

“You’re welcome.”

“Please be safe,” Kara implored her, breathing the words into Lena’s ear. “I…I love you,” Kara told her. She was both unable and unwilling to hold back her love for Lena in the moment. And just in case this was the last time they were together, Kara wanted to be sure she didn’t hold anything back. She didn’t want there to be any regrets.

“You too,” Lena returned the words, as Kara pulled away.

…..

Ever since that day

The things I didn't say

They haunt me, oh

And I know that I'm to blame

So, go ahead and

Blame it on me, oh

I know that I'm too late

But I'll say it anyway

I'm sorry

Though it's far too late

Lena suddenly blinked, her vision was blurry, as she forced herself to look away from the spot she’d last held Kara. She realized, as she reached up to touch her cheeks, that she was crying. Her throat was tight, and her breathing labored, as her hands trembled just a little bit in the wake of the memory. She stood up, quickly walking over towards the decanter in the corner of the room. She poured herself a healthy double and walked back to the couch. She wallowed in her emotions for a little while, before her exhaustion took over and she fell asleep on the couch. She dreamed about the dinner that she and Kara never got to have.

......

If you ever hear this

I hope you know that

I'm not proud of who I've been, ooh

And if I see you again

I hope you know that

I wish you nothing but the best

And my biggest regret

"Knock Knock," Brainy’s voice at the door had Kara glancing up from the novel she was in the midst of reading. She was curled up in one of the larger chairs located in the main living area of J’onn’s house, with her legs tucked under her, and her back pressed at an angle against the back of the chair. Her nose wrinkled adorably as she caught sight of the figure at the door. Her face brightened instantly as a wide, bright smile spread across her beautiful features, like a sunrise sweeping across the Earth.

Kara looked smaller than Brainy remembered. It was immediately obvious to him that she’d lost quite a bit of weight. She looked slightly pallid underneath the artificial lights, as if the lights couldn’t quite bring out the color in her complexion.

He’d heard all of the reports, of course. But it was another thing entirely, to see her in such a state. It was such a stark contrast to the woman he’d come to know so well over the last year. And he couldn’t help but feel culpable. After all, he was partially responsible.

"Brainy!" Kara was practically beaming at him, as she quickly untucked her legs from under her and started to stand. However, she didn’t give herself enough time to acclimate to the change before going from a sitting to a standing position, and J’onn had to catch her to keep her from falling, holding her under the arm for a moment in order to steady her. "It’s so good to see you!" Kara breathed, with her sparkling blue eyes looking positively radiant. She was emaciated, but just seeing a friendly face was enough to give her a fresh dose of energy.

Brainy watched patiently as J’onn carefully led Kara across the room, leading her with his arm tucked under hers. J’onn released Kara just in time for the Blonde to fling herself into Brainy’s arms.

Brainy felt a laugh escape him, as the hug he received was almost crushing. He felt greatly humbled by the amount of affection that she seemed to have for him.

“It’s so good to see you,” Brainy told her in a quiet voice, as he squeezed her back. It was almost as if he wasn’t quite comfortable sharing his affection. But he felt it nonetheless, and knew she deserved to feel cared for.  “How are you?” Querl asked Kara, as he pulled back from the hug, making sure to hold onto her until he’s sure she’s strong enough to stand.

“Good,” Kara said with a wan smile, “I mean…. Obviously, I’m a little weak at the moment. But I’m hanging in there.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re hanging in there,” Brainy conveyed his relief to her. 

“The good news is, I have come bearing gifts for you. I also have some infusions that I think will help with the weakness and fatigue,” Brainy revealed. 

“How was the journey?” J’onn questioned him, as Kara seemed to become distracted by something. Brainy’s brows furrowed as the Blonde said something to a figure he couldn’t see.

“Good,” Brainy replied. “The Legion ship was able to get me here in short order. And I would certainly recommend using it for travel in the future. It might even be best if we take Kara home in the Legion ship. It will certainly allow for more comfort.”

As Brainy and J’onn made small chat, Kara headed towards her room, before disappearing altogether.

They both watched her depart with a weary gaze, as if they couldn’t shove down their worry any longer.

“How is she really?” Brainy was quick to ask him in a soft whisper, lest Kara accidentally hear him.

“Not great, I’m afraid,” J’onn muttered with a disappointed shake of his head, “She’s put on a brave face. But I know for a fact that the hallucinations have gotten a lot worse over the last week. I’m sure you noticed it. She keeps talking to someone who only she can see. I think it might be Lena she sees, but I can’t be sure.

“Another sign that things are progressing,” Brainy let out a defeated sigh.

“I don’t know,” J’onn looked hesitant to blame the radiation sickness. “I feel like it’s my fault. It’s like our conversation about her giving up her powers broke her completely. I…I just don’t know.”

“I doubt that’s it,” Brainy denied. “But I won’t say it’s impossible.”

“Irregardless of the cause,” J’onn huffs, “It’s where we are now. The best we can hope for is that this will all be over soon.”

“On that note, we’re getting closer to being able to end this, with every day that goes by,” Brainy was all too happy to tell him. “Lena has cracked the main problem, and will be synthesizing the serum starting tomorrow. Once that’s done, we can see about getting Kara back Planet-side for the treatment.”

“That’s good,” J’onn concedes with a sigh of relief, “Still, I can’t help but wonder if she’ll be strong enough to make it through the stress of the treatment. I mean… What we have planned would be hard enough for a healthy individual to endure, let alone one who has been through what Kara has. Her energy is waning dramatically with every day that goes by. And even if we’re ready with the treatment a week from now, I’m worried she’s not going to have anything left in the tank. She barely eats anything, and even then, it’s always a crap-shoot as to whether or not she’ll be able to keep it down. She’s mainly been subsisting on broth, Electrolyte beverages, and protein drinks.”

“Then we’ll have to see about doing a crash-course of intravenous feedings, and infusions, prior to starting treatment,” Brainy floated the idea, with a thoughtful look on his face, “We have to try and get her strength up as much as possible. I’ll make sure to consult with the medical team as soon as I get back, so they can be ready.”

“Yeah,” J’onn replied, absentmindedly. Their conversation quickly came to an abrupt end, as Kara came back into the room, lugging a paper-wrapped canvas in her hand. J’onn quickly rushed forward to take it from her, as soon as he noticed how much difficulty she was having holding the painting up off of the floor. 

“Here, let me,” he requested, as he carefully grabbed hold of the item in his hand. Kara quickly let J’onn divest her of the item.

“So I have a special request,” Kara asked of Brainy, “I painted this for Lena, for her upcoming birthday, and I was wondering if you might be able to give it to her for me?”

“Of course,” Brainy was quick to respond, “I would be happy to, Kara.”

“Thanks,” Kara smiled at him gratefully, her blue eyes bright and expressive.

“Hey, J’onn?” Kara voiced as she turned to look at him, “Do you think it would be safe for me to go outside now?”

“Well, the sun was setting as I was landing, so I’m assuming it should be safe now,” Brainy answered.

J’onn nodded, concurring with Brainy’s assessment. “I’ll get the tea and meet you outside,” J’onn told her.

When she was gone, J’onn turned towards Brainy, and said, “I hope you don’t mind. But It’s been the highlight of her day, being able to go outside after the sun sets. She loves seeing the stars.”

“Then let’s not keep her waiting,” Brainy said enthusiastically, accentuating his words with a pathetic attempt at a wink. 

J’onn was going to have to try and teach him how to wink properly, or he had a feeling that Brainy was going to wind up traumatizing some kid on Earth.

Outside, in the fresh air of the cool night, Kara smiled. She quickly reached up to rub the back of her neck, and after finishing with that, lifted her arms over her head and had a good stretch. The downside of staying seated for so long was that it often made her feel as stiff as a statue. Kara let out a deep, relaxed breath as most of the tension in her lower back and shoulders was finally released. Her hands dropped back to her sides, as she took a good look around, looking from one side of the horizon to the other. 

Brainy had been correct. They were deep into the haze of twilight now, and the sun had sunk below the horizon. But it was still close enough to its disappearance beneath the horizon, that the colors from the sunset lingered in the sky. 

Most people on Earth would be under the impression that there are no clouds on Mars. But after living on Mars for a while now, Kara knew better. She’d been confused by this at first, thinking that there wouldn’t be any clouds, because of the lack of water on the Martian surface. But J’onn had quickly explained that there was still enough water vapor present in the weakened atmosphere for it to condense into clouds. Sure, they were very much different from the large, puffy cumulus and cumulonimbus clouds of Earth. But they were still beautiful all the same - especially when they were painted various colors in the wake of the sunset.

Kara couldn’t seem to get over how beautiful everything was, as she watched the first stars appear in the hazy sky.

While she was waiting for J’onn to bring the tea, Kara headed down the short path to the gazebo that she and J’onn had constructed shortly after her arrival on Mars - back when she still had strength to burn. She couldn’t help the smile that slipped onto her face as she laid eyes on the old swing that was waiting for her. It was hanging just under the protection of the gazebo’s roof. 

It seemed awfully inviting, and so Kara tested it, pushing it back before removing her touch. The swing swung forwards, then backwards again. Then, Kara started more rigorously testing it, in order to gauge whether or not the swing could comfortably hold her weight. It seemed structurally sound, and so she carefully sat down on it. Her legs dangled in the open air over the wood planking of the deck. A smile slipped onto her lips as she recalled a similar swing from her childhood home in Midvale that was very much like the one she sat on now. Eliza had often sat with her on the porch and read to her, when she was newly arrived to the planet.

Meanwhile, inside the house, J’onn quickly brewed the tea. Once it was finished, he began filling a couple of mugs with the steaming hot liquid. He added a little bit of cream and sugar to the liquid, in the way he knew Kara liked. He rushed to the linen cupboard, in order to grab a couple of blankets, and his high resolution miniature telescope. He tucked them under his arm, before snatching the drinks off of the kitchen counter and heading for the door. 

Brainy was waiting there, watching Kara with an impassive look on his face.

“Hey, would you mind getting the lights for me?” J’onn asked him, and Brainy nodded before rushing off, in order to cut the lights off.

On his way through the foyer, Brainy took the liberty of peeking outside and into the night. A smile turned the corners of his mouth upwards, as he watched Kara through the window. She was sitting on the newly installed porch swing, looking quite comfortable as she rocked back and forth. He watched as J’onn approached her for a moment, before going on to follow in J’onn’s footsteps himself. 

With a smile, Brainy exited the house and stepped out into the cool night.

Kara turned towards J’onn, when she heard his footsteps. She looked slightly surprised, as if she’d forgotten he was coming. He offered her a gentle smile as he approached. 

"Tea?" he offered her, as he held out the mug for her. 

She gratefully took the proffered mug from his hand and wrapped her small hands around it, allowing herself to feel the warmth radiating through the porcelain. She quickly lifted it to her lips, before blowing on the muddy colored liquid inside, trying to cool it slightly. Steam wafted into the air as the heat met the cool air around it. Finally, Kara took a ginger sip, before making a soft noise of approval.

“Thank you,” Kara smiled gratefully. J’onn just nodded and sat down next to her on the swing. A shiver shot up Kara’s spine as her body finally acknowledged the cold. As if on cue, Kara watched as J’onn set his mug of tea on a small table to his left, before he unfolded one of the blankets and carefully slipped the soft wool fabric around her shoulders.

Normally, Kara wouldn’t have felt the cold at all. But with her powers frequently going in and out, she felt more human than she ever had. 

“To keep you warm,” J’onn explained. “The season is turning. It’s started cooling off pretty quickly at night.”

“Yeah, it does seem a bit colder,” Kara admitted. “Thanks,” Kara breathed quietly, meeting his eyes. She could only hope that he knew how much she appreciated all of the little gestures that he made. Because she was not sure she could ever thank him enough. J’onn had been a god-send these last few months, taking care of her in the way he had. He was a good space Dad. 

He could be so thoughtful sometimes, and Kara was sure that there weren’t a lot of men out there who could measure up to him.

“Any time,” J’onn replied softly, as if it were nothing at all. 

“Aren’t you cold?” Kara found herself asking, when she noted that he was pretty exposed to the elements, as well.

“Not yet,” J’onn told her. Kara nodded in understanding.

“So when did you sneak out here and put this thing together?” Kara questioned as she wiggled a little bit in her seat.

“When you were taking a nap earlier,” J’onn revealed. “I just know that you like sitting out here at night, and I thought it would be nice if we had a place to sit. I also remember you telling me stories about sitting outside with Eliza when you were younger.”

“Yeah,” Kara recalled, “She had a porch swing just like this.” 

J’onn chuckled, before spilling the secret, “Well, where do you think I got it?”

“Oh!” Kara looked genuinely surprised, “This is the same swing?”

“Mmhmm,” J’onn smiled. There was a hint of smugness in his voice, as he said,  “The very one. Your mother was gracious enough to loan it to me.”

They sat in silence for a minute or two, before Kara ultimately decided that she was still cold. She shot J'onn an almost apologetic look, before scooting closer to him. She sidled right up to J’onn’s side, before laying her head softly on his shoulder as she curled up against him. 

“Hey,” Brainy’s voice startled them both just a little bit, as he appeared. Kara watched as he pulled up a stool.  “Do you mind if I join?,” he asked as if it wasn’t already a given.

“Not at all,” Kara told him in a gentle voice. “You’re just in time. The first stars are coming out.” Then. “In just a little while, the whole sky will be full of them.” And Brainy gave her a friendly look before lowering himself down onto the stool.

Kara straightened up just a little bit in order to look at him, before settling back against J’onn once more.

“Mmm,” Querl almost hummed, “It’s beautiful out here. I can see why you like it so much.”

It was quiet, as they all sat there in the dark, watching as small orbs of light popped into life one by one.

“I wish Lena could see this,” Kara sighed almost wistfully, a short time later. 

“Maybe someday you could share it with her,” Brainy suggested helpfully, while silently hoping that this was the correct response, “I’m sure she’d love it.”

“Hey, Brainy?” Kara’s voice sounded a bit hesitant as she spoke out into the silence.

“Hmm?” Brainy questioned in return. 

“How is she?” Kara breathed. Her words were quiet - so quiet that he almost didn’t hear her. But he heard her all the same.

“Truthfully?” he began almost hesitantly, “She misses you. She’s been doing everything she can in order to bring you home. But it hasn’t been easy for her - just as it has not been easy for you to be apart from her.”

“I uh…. “ Kara cleared her throat, while brushing away what he could only guess were tears, “I have something else I was hoping you would do for me, now that I have you here.”

“Of course, Kara,” Brainy offered, eager to help her in any way, if it somehow lessened her pain. “Anything you need,” he promised her.

“Well, it’s just…. I’m a bit worried she might question my reasons for lying to her about who I was,” Kara told him, “I… I don’t want her to think that it was because I didn’t trust her, or because I was using her in some way. But rather, I want her to know my affection and feelings for her are genuine - that every thought, feeling, and action I’ve made in the time we’ve known one another was genuine. And I was hoping that you would be willing to give her some of my journals.”

“Kara,” J’onn’s voice cut in, sounding hesitant, “Are you sure you want to do that?” Then. “I mean… your thoughts are just that… they’re yours - they’re deeply personal. It would be like baring your soul to her.”

“I know,” Kara nodded, agreeing with him,, “I know it would. But I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think that it’s the right thing to do. More importantly, I think it will help us in our healing. And in doing this, I hope she will see that I don’t intend to keep any more secrets. I want her to know all of me, good or bad.”

“Then I would be happy to do it,” Brainy reiterated the sentiment again, “So long as you're sure.”

“I am,” Kara tells him, “I’ve already written the journal numbers and their corresponding dates down for you. I figure you can give them to her, along with a short letter I’ve written. It will explain my motives.”

I know that I'm too late

But I'll say it anyway

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

Poll

Chapter Text

Three weeks Later...

National City, USA, Earth

Lena's Apartment

Lena let out a soft sigh, as she lay curled up beneath her favorite blanket, on the crisp white couch in her living room. The blanket was technically Kara’s, it was a colorful wool blanket that she and Kara had often cuddled beneath when watching movies together at Kara’s place. And sure, part of Lena felt guilty for pilfering the item, but she was also convinced that Kara would want her to have it - especially because the item brought her so much comfort over the last couple of months. Alex had seemed okay with giving her the item, so perhaps it was okay. Either way, Lena just couldn’t bring herself to feel sorry for co-opting the item. It was almost as if Kara was there with her, enveloping Lena with her warmth, and her comforting scent. 

Lena looked away from the journal she was reading, and glanced over into the dancing flames in her gas fireplace. Every so often, Lena could hear the faint crackling of the logs burning, when the volume of the classical music filling her apartment waned enough for other sounds to be heard. It was comforting. The temperature was quickly turning cold, as one season turned into another. Fall had quickly progressed into winter. It was yet another reminder that time was passing. Contrary to Lena’s belief that the world had stopped turning because Kara was gone. The earth had, in fact, kept spinning, and time kept passing. Six months had gone by. 

What was worse was that Kara wasn’t back home. Sure, they were getting close - closer to bringing her home with every day that went by, but it hadn’t happened yet. And Lena felt a deep ache with the knowledge that she still had a huge part of her missing. There was a huge hole in her heart where Kara was supposed to be.

Lena swallowed and looked back to the pages of the journal clutched in her hand. Lena had spent every free moment of the last couple of weeks, reading through the journals Kara had been so kind to offer her. At first, she had felt apprehensive about reading them. She understood why Kara had wanted her to read them. But even now, Lena couldn’t help but feel as if she were intruding on Kara’s innermost thoughts and feelings. Sure, she’d been hurt by Kara’s big secret, and by Kara’s recent mistakes. But even so, Lena also knew everyone was entitled to keeping some secrets. God knows that Lena had her own.

She was blown away by the depth of trust that Kara seemed to have in her. She now felt like she knew Kara better than ever. And yet? She felt like she still did not know her as well as she wanted to. And she much rather would have preferred to hear it all from Kara’s lips rather than from the stilted words on the pages.

The book was spread open on her lap. The crisp pages were cool against the pads of her fingers, and Lena couldn’t help but run her fingertips delicately over the words etched into its pages. She could feel the indents, where Kara had pressed just a little too hard, and the pen had pressed into the pages just a little too much. Still, she knew she should be grateful for what she’d been given. It offered Lena some much sought after peace. It gave her confidence that what she and Kara had was real. Kara hadn’t wanted to lie to her, and had seemingly wanted to tell her the truth from the beginning. But Kara hadn’t been brave enough to do so because she’d had the importance of keeping her secret ingrained in her from the very beginning of her time on Earth. Kara’s need to protect the ones she loved, made her keep the secret. She genuinely cared about Lena, and had from the very beginning. (Which had been a little hard for Lena to accept, at first. But now that she had a chance to think about it, it made sense. She’d grown very attached to Kara in a short time, as well.)

Lena swallowed, as she read more of its words, feeling a pang of heartbreak as she took in the devastation of Kara’s words dated on the morning of the final battle.

It’s time.

Today is the day that will determine the fate of this world and its people. I’ve had plenty of time to prepare myself, but I don’t know how I could ever possibly be ready for this.

I know what fate has in store for me, because I see it every time I close my eyes. I can only hope that when the time comes, my end will be swift and painless. 

I’m scared. Rao, I’m so scared. 

Please let me be strong enough to save them. Please let me be strong enough to keep them safe. I can’t bear to lose another family. I can’t go through the pain of it again. And Rao help me, but if anything happens to her….

Lena felt her heart skip a beat, as she realized who Kara was referring to. Kara was talking about her - about Lena.

I will never forgive myself. The truth is, I don’t want to think about what I might do. Rao, you might as well let me burn in the heat of the sun for all of eternity. Because I’m half convinced that that would hurt less than losing her. Please, I beg of you. Not her. Let me be enough! Just let my sacrifice be enough. I promise I’ll pay whatever price you need. Just, I beg of you, please!

I can’t lose another home. I can’t allow the nightmares to come true. I need to be brave. Please, Rao, help me be brave. 

Lena felt her throat go tight, as she took in the fear and the pain in Kara’s words. And then, she spied the words scrawled on the bottom of the page, and her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

I will stop them. No matter what. I will not let another planet suffer the fate of mine. Not if I have any say in it. 

I just can’t help but wonder one thing. Will it hurt? 

Lena lifted a hand to her mouth, and pressed it there as she tried to choke back the sudden noise that tried to force its way out. Because, yes, it had hurt. Kara had been in nothing short of agony as she took her final breaths on the concrete. But Karahad been brave to the very end. Rao had answered that part of Kara’s plea, at least. Still, it was hard for Lena to think about.

Lena flipped the page over, and calmed as she saw the prayer that Kara had scrawled in her neat penmanship on its pages.

‘Though we go forth alone, our soul unites us under Rao's gladsome rays. We are never lost, never afraid. For we shrink not under the sun of righteousness. Rao binds us to those we love. He gives us strength when we have none. And in the darkest places, He guides us. For Rao sees all, feels all, His love eternal. Rao, protect us so that we might protect others. And we shall rise, a fire in His hearth, burning and free.’

Lena whispered the words aloud. In her head, she heard Kara’s voice speaking the words along with her own.

Lena had never been one for religion. Instead, she had always been a person of science. She preferred quantifiable data and facts, laws and theories. However, she took comfort in knowing that Kara found peace and comfort in her faith. Because Lena knew that Kara needed all of the strength she could find, in order to protect the Earth on a daily basis. And so, if that was how Kara managed it, then Lena wasn’t going to hold it against her. In fact, she was grateful that Kara’s faith in Rao had been able to help Kara through all the pain and agony she had endured in her lifetime. 

Lena closed the journal as she let out a levied breath, and squeezed her eyes shut. When her eyes flickered open again, Lena felt the sudden weight of her fatigue. She set the journal down on the table next to the chair, and slowly pulled her legs out from under her. They were stiff now, from being in one position for so long, and so Lena calmly ran her long fingers over the muscles of her lower legs, kneading methodically at the flesh as she tried to rub the feeling back into them. When she accomplished that task, Lena scooped her blanket up with one hand as she slowly stood up. 

“Hope,” Lena spoke out into the room, “Dim the lights, please.” Lena walked over towards the couch, and lowered herself down onto the plush surface. The AI quickly responded to Lena’s request.

“Of course,” Hope’s voice responded. “What setting would you like them set to, Miss Luthor?”

“Actually, could you just turn them off, please?” Lena responded. “I think I’m just going to shut my eyes for a few minutes.”

“Would you like me to play some ocean sounds for you?” Hope questioned, "Those seem to yield the best results for optimal sleep."

“No, thank you,” Lena responded. “I’ll just listen to the fire crackling. I’m so tired I think I’ll be able to fall asleep on my own. Thank you, though, Hope.”

“Of course, Lena,” Hope’s voice filled the space, “I’ll leave you to rest. Sleep well.” Lena hummed quietly as she moved to lay down.

Here, closer to the fire, Lena could feel its heat on her skin. Shadows and orange hues of light flickered rapidly across her face in rapid succession as Lena pulled one of the couch pillows to where she wanted it against the arm of the couch. Then, Lena let out a sigh, and lowered herself down onto the pillow. She turned away from the fire, tugged the warm blanket up to the skin just under her chin, and closed her eyes.

Lena was still half asleep when she heard her front door creak quietly open, and then close with a faint click. She could hear a faint rustling, as the figure removed their coat and hung it up by the door with a soft swish of fabric. Then, there was the dull thud of shoes being kicked off, and the impossibly quiet sounds of footsteps padding closer to where Lena lay motionless on the couch. A part of Lena realized she should probably be afraid of this intruder, but for some reason, she just couldn’t bring herself to be. It was almost as if she knew she shouldn’t be afraid. And when she caught the faint scent of perfume, Lena finally understood why. She knew that scent - knew it like the back of her hand. It never failed to make her relax. It was as if her body had been conditioned to know that comfort was nearby whenever she smelled the delicate floral notes of the perfume in the air. 

Lena’s breathing quickened ever so slightly as she heard the figure draw even nearer. She heard the figure's calm exhale behind her, though it was difficult to pick out the noise over the crackling of the fire.

Slowly, the shadowed figure knelt down next to the couch with a little more rustling of fabric, and reached out tentatively. The figure’s expression was one of longing (though Lena would never know, because she could not see it), as they tenderly reached out to brush the hair away from Lena’s neck. Lena shivered involuntarily at the touch, as the skin of her neck was exposed to the cool air of the room. Lena felt her heart involuntarily respond, as the pads of the figure’s fingertips lightly grazed over the exposed flesh. Lena let out a faint sound, before slowly rolling towards the figure. She felt her heart skip a beat in her chest, when she laid eyes on the ethereal figure before her for the first time. The blurry figure before her smiled warmly at Lena, as they retracted their hand.

“Hey,” the warm whisper and the gentle smile reserved solely for her, sent all kinds of emotions cascading through Lena, the first of which was an unbearable longing. “I’m sorry if I woke you,” they apologized sheepishly, almost guiltily. There was an undeniable softness in their gaze as they looked at Lena with nothing short of adoration in their eyes. “I just couldn’t seem to help myself. Your hair looks so soft right now. And goodness... You look so beautiful.”

“It’s you,” Lena breathed out loud, in a sense of disbelief. It was like seeing a ghost, but the figure before her looked real enough.

“Who else would it be, silly?” they chuckled softly, while offering her a teasing smile. The timbre of their voice was in a lower register than Lena was used to hearing, and it resulted in a strange feeling within Lena's chest. Lena felt her stomach do a bit of a somersault. “Should I be worried that someone else is visiting you in the night while I’m away?”

“No,” Lena gasped, as she quickly pushed herself up into a seated position before her, as if she were nothing short of horrified by the thought. “No,” Lena repeated almost desperately. She still felt in a bit of a daze as she took in every detail of the woman before her. She ached so badly to reach out and touch the person before her. In fact, she felt that ache and that longing to the core of her very being. But she was too afraid to actually do so. She remained helplessly frozen, staring at the figure before her with an undeniable longing and deep hunger within her.

“So I have no reason to be jealous?” they asked with a suddenly insecure look in their steely blue eyes, and an embarrassed flush to their cheeks.

“No. None,” Lena promised them. “I promise,” Lena was quick to reassure.

"Why are you on the couch?" they asked Lena gently. "It's really late." Then, before Lena could even open her mouth wide enough to choke out a reply, they pressed on. “Were you waiting for me?” the blue-eyed figure asked, with a slightly curious tilt to her head. Lena watched in awe while shadows danced beautifully and mesmerizingly across her features. “I hope you know that you didn’t have to wait up for me. In fact, I kind of wish you hadn’t. I’m sure you would have been much more comfortable sleeping in your bed.”

“I…. “ Lena almost didn’t know what to say. She struggled to find the right words for a few moments, before she was finally able to manage a response, “I just didn’t want to miss you coming in. I… wanted…to see you tonight. The truth is, I think I needed it more than anything. I’ve missed you so much, Kara.”

“Oh! I’m... I'm so sorry,” Kara seemed sad. “I didn’t mean to make you wait. It's just that something came up, and I couldn't make it over until now.”

“No,” Lena shook off the apology. She wasn't trying to make Kara feel guilty, she was just trying to be honest. “No. It’s okay. You’re…You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” Then, she found her bravery, and asked for what she wanted most. “Please, come closer. I want to feel you.”

“I’m right here, Lena,” Kara whispered gently, with a slight levity glinting in her eyes. Her voice was warm and earnest.

“I know,” Lena agreed, “But I don’t think I’ll be able to believe it until I can feel it for myself.”

Lena couldn’t seem to move as Kara reached out to caress her cheek with an impossibly gentle hand. Lena noted almost instantly how deeply she felt that touch. And just like that, the caustic ache she’d been carrying in her chest since losing Kara on the concrete, was rectified. She finally felt a deep peace within her.  She felt it so completely in fact, that it was hard to question it. Without even thinking about it, Lena’s hand darted up to hold the warm hand against her face, not wanting the contact to end. Under her fingers, Lena could feel Kara’s warm thumb sweeping gently back and forth over the apple of her cheek, following the gentle line of her cheekbone.

"Please." Lena wasn't really one to ever beg, but this time she couldn't help herself. 

And that was all that was needed to tip the scales. Before Lena could even process what was happening, she was being gathered into Kara's arms. All the air in Lena's lungs left in a rush of air, as she collided with Kara's body. Almost instinctively, Lena pressed her head into the space between Kara's neck and shoulder, as Kara's hand found the back of her head. Lena could feel the soothing way Kara's hand cradled the back of her head, as Lena wrapped her arms around Kara's broad shoulders in a desperate hold.

Lena tried desperately to fight the burning beneath her eyelids, and squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as she could. But she could still feel the burning in the back of her throat.

"Shh," Kara soothed, "I'm here. I'm here." It was as if Kara could feel the trembling building deep within Lena's body. All of the emotions that Lena had been piling into the boxes were begging to be set free, and the dam was breaking. 

Kara seemed to know just what to do. The arm wrapped around Lena's back swept up and down Lena's back and side in a lazy, affectionate manner.

"I've missed you," Lena said again. "I've felt so alone without you here," Lena finally admitted.

"Oh, Sweetheart," Kara breathed, "I'm so sorry."

"I love you," Lena sniffled out loud, as tears seeped from beneath her eyelids and met Kara's skin.

"I love you too," Kara whispered as she pulled back to press a kiss to Lena's temple, and then her forehead, as well as every other place she could reach before wiping Lena's tears away with the pads of her fingers. The amount of tenderness that she saw in Kara's eyes when she finally opened her eyes, made Lena fall even more in love with the person in front of her. The depths of Kara's love knew no bounds. Lena was convinced Kara had the biggest heart of anyone she'd ever met. 

"What is it?" Lena questioned, when she noticed Kara staring at her. It made Lena feel a bit self-conscious.

"Sorry," Kara said as she ducked her head and her cheeks flushed a pretty pink color. This only piqued Lena's curiosity even more.

"No. What is it?" Lena pressed as she hooked a finger under Kara's chin and lifted it gently so their eyes could meet.

"I was just having a thought," Kara said with an embarrassed shake of her head. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't," Lena asserted quietly and calmly, "I just wanted to know what it was. You.... You had this look in your eyes for a moment, and I wanted to know what you were thinking."

“Are you really sure you want to know?" Kara challenged. "Cause you might not like it."

"Try me," Lena replied stubbornly. "I also find it very hard to believe that-" Lena began, but Kara didn't let her finish.

"I was just thinking that you look so incredibly beautiful with the firelight dancing in your eyes, Lena,” Kara’s voice was so incredibly earnest that it knocked the air clean out of Lena's lungs, and tugged immediately at her heartstrings. It left Lena feeling powerless to resist the woman before her.

"See," Kara said with a sad shake of her head, "I knew you wouldn't like it."

"It's not that I didn't like it," Lena argued, "It's just... you can't go and say that kind of stuff to someone like me."

“Oh?” Kara seemed confused by Lena’s words. “Why not?” 

“Because,” Lena had to suppress the urge to groan. “It makes me want you in ways that I can’t have you,” Lena admitted to Kara with a forlorn sigh.

“Who says you can’t have me?” Kara challenged her with a flash of her blue eyes. “Cause last time I checked, I’m right here.”

“Kara-” Lena protested briefly, before she saw the unmistakable challenge in Kara’s eyes. Kara was silently daring her to move forwards and claim her. 

The next thing Lena knew, she was leaning forward in order to capture Kara’s mouth gently with her own, just as she’d wanted to do for years. It was everything Lena had always imagined it to be, and more.

As soon as their lips touched, Lena felt a soft jolt course through her body. The sensations were so intense that they were almost jarring. But Lena would be lying if she said that it didn’t feel absolutely wonderful. The kiss was gentle and tender. She could feel Kara cradling her face, like she was both the most precious and the most breakable thing in the world.

She could feel Kara respond to her almost instantly, with an ease and precision of someone who’d done it countless times before. It was as if it was the most natural thing in the word - as if Lena and Kara fit together perfectly. Kara leaned forwards, pressing into Lena as the kiss quickly deepened in intensity. 

Kara seemed to have a connection with her that she couldn’t quite explain. It was on a fundamental level, like their very souls were connected. It was everything she's dreamt about.

Before Lena could let herself truly sink into it, though, Kara was pulling away to check in.

“Is this okay?” Kara asked attentively. “I apologize if I'm moving too fast. It’s just… I’ve... wanted this for so long.”

“You’re not the only one,” Lena responded, as she tried to keep a tether on the other woman in her grasp. “I want this, Darling. In any way you’ll have me. Just please… kiss me again. You feel so good against me.”

And Kara did just that, picking right up where she left off.

Lena couldn’t stop the moan from bubbling out of her throat as she felt Kara press her mouth open with her own. The next thing she knew, Kara’s tongue was in her mouth, and was tangling with hers. Lena could feel the tip of Kara’s tongue pressing and swirling around Lena’s tongue piercing. And, God, it drove Lena mad with want.

As soon as the kiss finally broke, Lena’s chest was heaving up and down as she looked into Kara’s sparkling blue eyes. And then, before she had any time to process anything at all, Kara was kissing her again. This time, the kisses were soul-wrenching and all-consuming. Lena felt her heart race as Kara quickly lifted her up from the floor, settled her onto the couch, and followed her onto it's cushions. She straddled Lena's thighs, carefully lowering herself into Lena’s lap as Lena clung to her like Kara was her sole lifeline. Lena groaned deeply into her mouth as Kara pressed both hands to the sides of Lena’s face, and commanded all of Lena’s attention. Lena’s eyes fluttered closed as she focused on the blissful feeling of Kara’s impossibly soft lips claiming her own. Kara’s tongue felt like silk against her own. The kisses were messy and chaotic in a way that sent tendrils of heat reaching throughout her core. She could feel Kara's hunger in each kiss. The heat grew and grew as Kara moved her hands, sliding them down Lena’s neck, her front, and then finally to her sides. She was deliberate and intentional about her ministrations, as she touched Lena and let herself be touched in turn. 

Lena could feel their hips pressing tightly against one another. She’s not sure Kara even realized she was doing it, but Kara’s hips were rolling ever so gently against hers. It was incredibly erotic, and was causing Lena to become little more than a pool of want underneath Kara.

Lena moaned louder, as Kara’s hands made their way beneath the hem of Lena’s sleep shirt and pressed against her bare skin, sweeping up and down over the soft heated flesh of Lena’s back and sides.

Lena shivered at the touch, causing Kara to pause briefly and check in again.

“Still okay?” she asked.

“Yes, God yes,” Lena gasped as the heat from Kara’s hands settled on her skin. “Just keep going.”

Lena’s eyes fluttered closed as Kara took possession of her mouth again, and continued sweeping her hands over the flesh beneath Lena’s top.

“Fuck,” Lena practically breathed a shiver into Kara’s mouth. Kara’s hands were nearly broiling against her, warming her as they went. “Goodness, Darling,” Lena rasped, “It feels like you’re setting me ablaze.”

Kara flinched, and suddenly retracted her hands from under Lena’s shirt. “Sorry,” Kara said with a self-conscious wince, “I know my body temperature is a little too warm sometimes. We can stop, if you want.”

"What?" Lena was lost for a moment. Her thoughts were still a little clouded from what they'd been doing. "What are you talking about?"

"I was making you uncomfortable," Kara spoke in a thick, scratchy voice as she shifted in order to get off of Lena. But Lena wouldn't let her. 

"No you weren't," Lena said with a flash of her green eyes as she quickly grabbed a hold of one of Kara’s hands and moved it back beneath the fabric.

"But you said-"

“Kara,” Lena said in a sympathetic voice as she pressed her forehead against Kara’s, “Please. Listen to me. When I said that it felt like you were setting me on fire, I wasn’t saying it in a critical manner. On the contrary, I meant it in a good way. Your hands feel incredible on my skin."

"They do?" Kara still sounded unsure of herself.

"Yes," Lena said passionately. "I’ve always felt a bit cold… And you? You’re like my own personal furnace," Lena breathed as she gave Kara's hands a tiny squeeze, "You warm me in more ways than you know.”

“So you want me to keep going?” Kara asked her as she nuzzled tenderly against Lena, and shared quavering breaths with her. They both tried to catch their breaths together. “Or do you want me to back off and slow things down? We could just cuddle up and just go to sleep. I know you must be tired.”

“No. I want to keep going,” Lena whispered, but desperately pleaded. “Please. I’ve missed you so much,” Lena nearly whimpered, as tears built in her eyes. “I need to feel you as close as possible.”

“Me too, Love,” Kara hummed in a soothing voice, “Me too.”

“Darling,” Lena begged in a thick voice, “I need you.”

“Then you’ll have me,” Kara vowed. “I’m going to take good care of you, Love. I promise,” she continued. Then, as she kept eye contact with Lena and gazed lovingly into her sea green eyes, she asked, “Is it okay if I take this off?” Lena felt her fingers playing with the hem of the top, and dancing lightly on her skin.

“Yes,” Lena gasped, and she pressed a deep kiss to Kara’s mouth before darting away so that she could help Kara remove the item in question.  And then Kara was carefully lifting up Lena’s shirt. Her fingertips skated over Lena’s flesh as she gathered the material of the cotton sleep shirt and pulled it up and over Lena’s head before tossing it away. Lena watched as Kara lifted her weight from the tops of Lena’s thighs, and gently turned Lena, before pushing her back against the pillows. 

“Rao,” Kara gasped in amazement and awe, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Kara-” Lena breathed, her skin flushing a healthy pink as she felt Kara’s hungry gaze upon her.

“So, so beautiful,” Kara reiterated as she pressed lingering and loving kisses to the bare skin of Lena’s neck, shoulders, and chest, as if she was completely content to map every inch of Lena’s body with her lips.

Lena let out another guttural moan, as Kara took her mouth to “that spot” on the front of her neck.

“Hey,” Lena rasped. “Come back up here,” Lena pleaded, as she threaded her fingers into Kara’s hair and relentlessly started tugging her back upwards to her mouth. “I’m not done with you yet!”

This time, when Kara kissed her, it spoke of an undeniable desperation. It was a promise, of love and so much more. Lena quickly adjusted her hold so that she was grasping Kara by the sides of her face. She desperately wanted to hold the invaluable woman against her. She could feel the gentle rock of Kara’s hips, as the woman on top of her pressed the weight of her hips down onto Lena’s pelvis. Lena couldn’t stop the moan that escaped as she focused on the pressure and the weight of Kara moving against her. Lena felt her own hips answering Kara’s in a gentle roll, as she tried to feed the desire burning inside of her.

There was only one problem. Well, two actually. One, Kara was still wearing too many clothes. And two, Lena’s legs were being held closed by Kara’s bracketing hips, which hampered her efforts to move substantially. 

“Please,” Lena choked out desperately.

Lena kept her eyes squeezed shut as Kara’s mouth began to wander. Kara quickly kissed her way along the line of Lena’s jaw, before pressing kisses to the spot just behind Lena’s ear that drove her wild. Kara continued wandering, experimenting with her mouth as she tried to find all of the little spots that drove Lena wild. She found them quickly, as she kissed her way down Lena’s neck, to the rise of her collarbone, and finally, to her final destination, Lena’s chest. Lena’s back arched upwards and off of the couch as Kara took her mouth to the swells of Lena’s breasts and the dusky pink nipples that adorned them. 

Lena choked out loud expletives and moans, as Kara’s mouth devoured her.

And after all of this, Lena was convinced of one thing. Kara’s mouth, Kara’s tongue, Kara’s teeth, were magic.

“Please,” Lena rasped for a second time, her blue and green eyes glossy in the dimmed light of the room. Her voice was low and rough with need, as she implored her lover to listen, “I want to feel you, all of you.”

Lena tugged desperately at Kara’s shirt, but was thwarted as Kara quickly pulled the fabric back down.

“Kara?” Lena was suddenly confused by Kara's actions. 

“Wait, I…” Kara looked panicked. “I’m sorry. But I can’t. I’ll try to give you anything you want, but that’s not something I feel comfortable with doing right now.“ It was then that Lena noticed the haunted look in Kara’s eyes.

“The scars… they’re really bad, and I don’t know if I can bear you seeing me like that,” Kara explained.

“Oh, my Darling,” Lena’s voice broke as tears built in her eyes. “It’s okay. I promise you that I will never make you do anything you’re not comfortable with. But with that being said? I also want you to know that you are the most beautiful person in the world to me, and no amount of scars are ever going to change that. I don’t ever want you to be self conscious or worried about how someone else perceives you, but I also understand that it can sometimes be really difficult. I myself have struggled a lot with body image in the past.’” Then. “I swear that I meant no offense in trying to take off your shirt. I just…I wanted to feel your skin against mine so badly.”

”Are you sure?” Kara asked in a hesitant voice.

“Yes,” Lena replied, “But it’s not something I want at your expense. I want for you to be comfortable.”

"Maybe there's another way for you to feel close to me?” Kara breathed.

”Whatever you need, Love,” Lena breathed. 

Kara leaned back onto her haunches for a moment as she sought to position herself appropriately.

Lena opened her mouth to complain. She immediately missing the weight of Kara’s body against her own. But Kara didn’t exactly give her the chance. 

“I’m going to take off your bottoms, if that is okay?” Kara questioned as she reached for the waistband of the yoga pants. And Lena nodded.

Before she knew what was happening, Kara was tugging Lena’s stretchy black yoga pants down her legs in one smooth, swift motion, and was taking her place on top of Lena once more.

Kara spoke breathlessly, "I just… have to get off of you for a moment, so that I can properly disrobe.”

* Content below rated M for Sexual Content * (If you wish to skip it, scroll past the section below). *

Kara carefully climbed off of Lena, and Lena couldn't help but follow her with her gaze. There was a hunger immediately present in her glittering green eyes, as she watched Kara fumbling with the clasp of her dark colored chinos. Kara’s back was turned, but Lena could still tell that Kara’s hands were shaking slightly as she hastily removed her pants, and let the fabric fall to the floor. Even Kara's shoulders were heaving slightly, as Kara fumbled with the buttons of her shirt. Soon enough, the thin fabric of the blouse slipped off of Kara's broad shoulders and fluttered to the floor. Perhaps, if Lena had been a little more patient, Kara would have given her a lengthy strip tease. But this time, it felt like they couldn’t wait. And Lena? Lena was rendered speechless as Kara suddenly turned towards her, and stood before her. There was a tinge of nervousness in Kara's mannerisms that Lena had never seen from Kara before. She was so used to Supergirl's air of confidence that it feel weird to see Kara look so unsure of herself. And it was likely because Kara felt very exposed like this, even knowing she could trust Lena. The only things covering Kara's body now, were her navy colored boy-short underwear, and navy undershirt.

In the process of her disrobing, Kara's undershirt had ridden up on her stomach, exposing some of her numerous abs, her obliques, and even what Lena thought might be the hint of an Adonis belt (though, she couldn't be sure it wasn't an optical illusion). Sure, she wasn't as naked as Lena might like. But even so, Lena could see enough skin to know that Kara had the body of a Greek goddess. In fact, Lena was pretty sure that Kara’s body belonged in a museum somewhere. After all, her figure could have just as easily been cut from marble, in order to be admired by all those who were lucky enough to see it. Because one thing was for sure, Kara’s body was truly spectacular.

“Lena?” Kara seemed to sense something was off, because she said, “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Lena was all too quick to answer. Her voice was breathless as she spoke. “Yes, everything is fine. I… I’m just admiring the view, Darling,” she told her unabashedly.

“Oh,” Kara flushed beautifully for a moment in the dimmed lighting, “Well, if it’s okay with you, I think I’m ready to continue what we started.”

“Do you really need permission?” Lena asked with an arched brow and a flash of her sea green eyes. “Come here and fuck me, Kara,” she challenged her. “I seem to remember you saying that you were going to take care of me.”

"Do you want to be fucked, or made love to?" Kara questioned with an arch of an eyebrow, "Cause in my mind those are two very different things."

"You're fine with doing either?" Lena asked with a tremble to her voice.

"Yes," Kara spoke confidently, which caused Lena to gulp audibly. "I could tell you which one I'd rather do, but.... I'll leave the choice up to you."

"Then, please. Come here and make love to me, Darling," Lena said as she held out a hand. "We can save the other option for another time."

And Kara was all too happy to oblige. She was going to make love to Lena in a way she would never forget. 

“How do you want me?” Kara asked, as she pushed down her underwear and kicked them away, before moving back to the couch. She took her place back over Lena once more.

“I…” Lena was rendered speechless at the thought that she could actually have Kara in this way. “I don’t know. Just…"

“Do you trust me?” Kara asked as she met Lena’s twinkling green eyes.

“With everything I am,” Lena replied. 

“Then I think I know just the thing,” Kara told her. “You said that you want to feel me. Well, this way you’ll get to feel all of me.” Then, she said in a rush of breath, "I know that I wasn't comfortable with taking off my shirt. But you're welcome to touch me anywhere - even anywhere under the fabric of my shirt is fair game.-  I'm just.... not ready for you to see me like that just yet."

"I....I understand," Lena responded in a tremulous voice.

Lena was overwhelmed when Kara tore her panties from her body with an ease that shouldn’t be possible, and maneuvered her leg so that Kara could straddle Lena on one side. 

Her eyes never left Lena’s as she began moving against her.

Lena could feel the stretch in one leg as Kara carefully pushed it up towards Lena’s stomach and leant forwards, slowly starting to roll her hips against Lena in a gentle rocking motion. 

Lena groaned as she felt the silky heat of Kara’s intimate parts pressing against her own. With the way Kara was rocking her hips ever so slowly against her, Lena could feel the delicious slide of molten heat, and the smooth slide of Kara’s skin against hers. It sent waves of electricity coursing through Lena’s body with every pass, and Lena let herself revel in it.

Lena had said that she’d wanted to feel Kara against her, and now she was. Oh, how she was.

And gosh, feeling Kara like this was everything. Kara’s skin was impossibly soft against hers. It was warm too, nearly as warm as the heat of the fire. It was as if Kara were her own personal furnace, radiating heat against her. It quickly caused a light sweat to break out on Lena’s skin.

Kara held her gaze intensely, as she rocked back and forth, back and forth, with a patience that drove Lena undeniably mad with want. It just felt so so good, in a way Lena wasn’t prepared for.

“How is this?” Kara asked her.

“Good,” Lena’s voice was raspy as she felt her body reacting to what they were doing. Somehow, good didn’t even seem to come close to how amazing it felt. It was everything.

Kara’s eyes were so blue, they looked like glittering jewels in the dimmed light of the fire. Lena stared into Kara’s searing gaze with equal intensity. She’d never felt so connected to anyone before. It was like she could see every single emotion Kara was feeling. Kara wasn’t hiding from her. And because of that, Lena didn’t want to hide either. She wanted to share it all with Kara. She wanted to let Kara into the deepest, darkest corner of her heart, and let her be privy to every feeling Lena had.

“You feel so good against me, Love,” Kara moaned as she leant forwards to catch the moans and other little sounds of pleasure from Lena’s mouth. “It feels like you were made just for me,” Kara breathes between kisses. 

All Lena could focus on was the electric slide of Kara’s skin against her own. Lena wanted to respond, but couldn’t seem to summon the words. All she could do was make prolonged noises of pleasure, as Kara continued to overwhelm her with touches and the press of her mouth against Lena’s pale, freckled skin.

“You’re so good,” Kara continued to praise her lover, “So perfect.” Lena felt something surge through her at Kara’s words.

Kara seemed to notice Lena’s reaction, because she said, “Oh, you like that, huh?” she chuckled, as her heated gaze seared into Lena’s own. “You like it when I tell you how good you are?” Kara asked again. And Lena is pretty sure Kara is going to drive her mad. “Because you are . You’re such a good person,  Lena - the best lover and friend anyone could ask for.” Lena let out another shivering moan, as Kara’s words sent another surge of arousal through her.

Lena was whimpering now, as she reached up to Kara’s hips, silently begging the woman straddling her to move faster - to do anything for fuck’s sake. Because even though Kara felt so good against her, it wasn’t enough. Lena wanted more - needed more.

“Kara,” Lena finally begged her in a low, raspy voice as rough as sandpaper, “Please .”

“What do you need from me?” Kara questioned, wanting to give Lena everything she wanted and more. “What can I do to make this better for you?”

“Faster,” Lena’s voice was breathy as she managed to choke the sound out between her moans. “Please just move a little more quickly. I-“

“Okay,” Kara promised, “Okay. I’ve got you.”

Finally, Kara began to move faster. Their essences mixed together as they slid against each other again and again. Then, Lena canted her hips, so that there was more of a collision taking place, instead of a mere slide. It felt glorious. Kara was careful not to hurt her, but let Lena take exactly what she needed from her. Lena moaned louder into the room, quickly working herself up higher and higher - to the point where her movements against Kara were almost frenzied.

It was everything she could have ever wanted and more.

Lena took the liberty of exploring Kara's body just as her lover said she could. She mapped the planes of Kara's body with her fingertips, feeling the dips, curves, and divots of Kara's skin. Kara's skin was smooth and unblemished on most of Kara's body. But every so often, Lena could feel a change. She knew what she was feeling were the scars that Kara mentioned, and she wished more than anything that she could pay tribute to them in a meaningful way. She wishes that she could kiss each scar, pay homage to each scar - to show Kara how loved she was, scars and all. Every so often when she ran a finger along one, Kara's breath would hitch just so, and Lena could reassure her that it was okay. 

Kara moaned loudly as Lena finally started paying attention to Kara's chest. Lena hungrily ran her fingers over Kara's chest as the blonde's nipples betrayed just how aroused she was. Lena rolled the raised nubs between her fingers, and relished in the sounds of appreciation that this earned her. 

Lena even felt so brave at one point to press her mouth to the skin above Kara's breasts and mouth at her nipples, sucking them through the fabric.

"Oh," Kara groaned loudly as she pushed herself further into Lena's mouth. "Oh my goodness, Baby," Kara moaned, "That feels so good." She let Lena have her way for a little while before she refocused and said, "But I'm supposed to be taking care of you. Not the other way around."

Lena couldn't even tell you how, but Kara somehow took the lead again. It was clear that she'd meant what she said. She wanted to take care of Lena, to make Lena feel loved beyond all measure.

As she rocked back and forth atop Lena, Kara began to knead Lena’s breasts in her hands, exerting just the right amount of pressure to drive Lena insane with pleasure. And every once and a while, Kara would swipe the pads of her thumbs over Lena’s aching nipples as she delved her tongue deeply into Lena’s mouth. All this attention served to drive Lena up higher and higher, until Lena’s thighs shook with every pass of Kara’s hips. And Lena was desperate, she raked her fingers across the expanse of Kara's back as she tried to pull the woman closer.

“Kara,” Lena breathed in a thick, roughened voice, as tears built in her eyes. She and Kara’s faces were inches away from each other now, and the rest of their bodies pressed together even tighter. In this position, Lena could stare deeply into Kara’s bottomless blue eyes, and see the depth of Kara’s love in them. “Darling, I-“ Lena’s voice broke.

“Shhh,” Kara consoled her. “Don’t cry,” Kara told her in a gentle loving voice as she relocated her right hand and pressed her palm to Lena’s cheek. She gazed longingly into Lena’s gaze as she said, “It’s gonna be okay. Please don’t cry. I love you. I love you so much!”

“I love you too,” Lena whispered as the tears spilled over and cascaded down her cheeks. “So much. Gosh, being here with you like this? It’s everything.”

“I know,” Kara told her. “It means everything to me, too.” Then, “Now let go. I can feel it. You’re close…. You’re there. Just let go for me.”

“I… I can’t,” Lena cried as her inner muscles quivered. Tremors worked their way through her thighs, as she tried desperately to hang on. Because there was a part of her that knew. If she let go, then it would be over. It would all be over, and she would wake up. Kara would be gone. “Please! I don’t want it to be over. I can’t lose you again… especially not after this .”

“Oh, Lena,” Kara sighed sadly, “I know it hurts. But you also deserve to feel good. Please just let me make you feel good.”

“You already have,” Lena told her as she poured her entire heart and soul into their next kiss. “You’re making me feel so good.”

“Love-“

“Kara, I can’t,” Lena nearly sobbed, “It’s been so long. And I… I just want to stay with you a little longer. Please.”

“Okay,” Kara relented, “Alright. Whatever you want. But you should know… that I’m with you always. Whether you’re awake or asleep, I’m with you. You carry a piece of me, just as I carry a piece of you. And soon? I promise that we will be together again.”

“No…” Lena’s voice cracked loudly with a hint of panic, as she felt her control slipping away with another sensual pass of Kara’s hips against her. “No, I can’t fight it. I’m going to-” And then Lena’s throat opened up in a cry.

Lena felt a deep sense of betrayal as her body failed her, and her self-control shattered, sending her headfirst into one of the most powerful orgasms she’s ever experienced. In that very same moment, the dream-world shattered around her, and Lena was sent tumbling back into the land of the living.

She shot upwards with a gasp. Her breathing was heavy and labored, as her eyes flew open and a moan tore its way from her mouth. But not just a moan, it was a name, Kara’s name. Lena collapsed back onto the pillows of the couch with another sharp breath as tears streamed down her cheeks. And Lena felt a twinge in her abdomen, as more shocks from her orgasm skittered their way through her body and limbs. Lena flinched as she felt her own fingers slide against her slick folds. She quickly retracted her hand from her panties as if it had been burned.

Her mind was racing as she struggled to remember all of the details from the dream. Kara. Kara kissing her, Kara touching her. Kara’s voice. Kara’s body sliding against hers. It was everything. And yet, it didn’t seem like enough.

The dream made her miss Kara now more than ever.

* End of Sexual Content * (Content below should be safe to read) *

---------

Lena instantly stiffened as she heard the front door open. She instinctively reached for the place where she has a firearm hidden, but her hand froze as she caught sight of the person walking through the front door. It was Alex.

She’d given the woman a key a while ago, as Alex became her new interim support system. Obviously, Kara was her main emotional support system, but with the superhero currently millions of miles away, Alex had taken up the mantle for her.

“Hey,” Alex greeted, as she took off her jacket and hung it up by the door. “Sorry if I scared you. I uh…. I tried calling you to let you know I was on my way, but I think your phone is off, because it kept going straight to voicemail.”

“Oh,” Lena breathed out, “Yeah, I turned it off. I just… I needed some quiet time.”

“Are you okay?” Alex looked instantly concerned, as she pulled off her jacket and hung it where Kara’s had been only moments before.

“Yeah,” Lena’s voice sounded eerily hollow. She didn’t know if Alex would accept that response or not, given how little conviction it held.

“It’s dark in here,” Alex observed, “Were you sleeping?”

“Yeah,” Lena nodded, “I was doing a bit of reading, and I started to get tired. So I laid down on the couch, and I guess that I fell asleep.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Alex asked her. “I can leave if you’d like to go back to sleep.”

“No,” Lena was all too quick to answer, as she turned and sat up on the couch. “No. I’m glad you’re here. The truth is, I could really use the company right now. I… I really don’t want to be alone right now.” 

“Ah,” Alex seemed to understand. She ambled over and carefully lowered herself down onto the couch next to Lena. “Having a bad night? Want me to come to the rescue?”

“Eh,” Lena gave a half hearted shrug, before continuing. “I suppose you’ll do in my time of need,” Lena teased.

“Wow,” Alex joked back, “Way to make a girl feel loved.” 

“And to think that after all I’ve done for you, that this is the thanks I get,” Alex lamented dramatically. Then, she turned serious, “You know, I was half expecting you to be at work, but when I stopped by L-Corp, Jess said she and Sam had kicked you out.”

“Ah, yes,” Lena sighed. “If I didn’t trust them as much as I do, I probably would have been more concerned about the mutiny. But… I have to admit. I was in a bit of a mood. And because of that, I’ve been ‘banned from entering the premises for the next 24 hours.’,” Lena admitted.

“Hey,” Alex’s gaze was sympathetic as she said, “You have every right to be in a mood. You’ve been through nothing short of hell. I mean, you’ve practically been working yourself to death trying to save Kara, and that’s not even mentioning all the work that you’ve done to hold this city together.” Her brown eyes were undeniably soft as she turned her body towards Lena’s on the couch. “I keep waiting for you to realize that you don’t have to do everything yourself, but you never seem to do so. I just want you to know that you can accept help from the people that love you.”

“I know,” Lena agreed.

“The truth is, I’m very lucky to have Sam,” Lena admitted, “Because she saw that I was getting overwhelmed and she took over things at L-Corp. She is taking care of everything tonight.”

“Hey,” Alex’s voice softened as she took in Lena’s expression, and the puffiness and redness of Lena’s eyes, “Are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“Just a little,” Lena confessed, knowing that there was no point in lying to Alex, “But I’m fine. I promise. I just had a dream about Kara, and it made me feel emotional.”

“A bad dream?” Alex questioned, “What was the dream about, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

Lena knew she was done for when her cheeks heated under Alex’s scrutiny. “No, not a bad dream. She…. She and I-” Lena briefly stumbled over her words, as she tried to decide if she should tell Alex the truth. She wasn’t used to having trouble finding the right words, because she’d always been very articulate in her role as CEO of L-Corp. But for some reason, when it came to her feelings about Kara, Lena sometimes had difficulty voicing her feelings. They always seemed to trip her up. She was never quite sure of herself.

In the end, Lena decided to give Alex the choice, “Are you sure you really want to know?”

“Sure,” Alex replied, “I mean… I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t really want to know.”

“Okay, so… Not long before you got here, I had a dream that Kara and I were together - intimately together ,” Lena breathed, “And it felt… undeniably real.”

“Real, how?” Alex questioned her with a drawn brow.

“It was easily one of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had,” Lena answered as she fiddled with her hands in her lap, suddenly unable to meet Alex’s doe-like brown eyes, “and it affected me more than I care to admit. It was as if my eidetic memory used every detail I had of her, in order to conjure her into one of my dreams. I just… I felt her with me.”

“What do you mean?” Alex pressed. “Like physically, or emotionally?”

“Gosh,” Lena shook her head, “I know it sounds crazy. Okay? I do. But it was both . I felt her touch against me. And her eyes-”

“Okay,” Alex breathed, as she seemed to acknowledge how shaken Lena was by it all. 

“It was everything I’ve been missing,” Lena admitted as she finally met Alex’s sympathetic gaze, “Everything I’ve been desperately craving since she’s been gone. It meant so much while it was happening. But then I woke up feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt. It was suddenly like a part of me had been ripped away all over again.” Then in an altogether smaller voice, Lena nearly whimpered the words, “It hurt .”

“Did it physically affect you?” Alex asked, uncertainly. It was almost as if she didn’t really want to know, but felt she had to ask. “I mean…did you-”

“Yes,” Lena gasped at the mere memory of the tremors her orgasm sent surging through her body.

“Oh,” Lena tried not to laugh at the strange expression on Alex’s face. It looked like Alex was torn between being concerned and disgusted. “That’s…interesting.”

“I'm sorry,” Lena apologized. “I know it must be awkward for you. She’s your sister, and-”

“Hey, It’s okay,” Alex told her, before reaching out to squeeze Lena’s knee. But Lena jumped away as she feared that the thing Alex was reaching for was actually the hand that Lena had stuffed down her pants a few minutes earlier.

“Lena?” 

“Sorry,” Lena said as she jumped up from the couch and rushed over to the sink, in order to wash her hands. “I just need some water. Do you want a drink? I’ve got water, scotch, or some veggie juice if you want it.”

But Lena’s words went unheard by the older woman.

Before Lena knew it, Alex was jumping up from the couch, as she laid eyes on something in Lena’s apartment. Lena turned to find Alex walking towards the new painting on Lena’s wall.

“Is this what I think it is?” Alex began, in a sort of awed tone of voice, as she reached out to touch the canvas. “It looks like Kara’s work.”

“It is,” Lena confirmed, as she methodically dried her hands and replaced the rings on her hand. “She painted it for me, and gave it to me as a birthday present. Brainy brought it back with him last week.”

“Wow,” Alex exhaled, “It’s beautiful . It could easily be hanging up in a gallery somewhere. She really outdid herself this time.”

“It’s stunning , isn’t it?” Lena asked her in a thick voice, as she padded over and positioned herself next to Alex in front of the painting. “It has become quite clear to me that your sister is a woman of many talents. The truth is, It took my breath away when I first saw it. It’s easily the best gift that I’ve ever received. I…. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard over a gift.”

“Lena,” Alex’s voice was impossibly soft as she turned to look at Lena. The next thing she knew, Lena was in Alex’s arms, and Lena’s head was pressed to Alex’s shoulder.

“It makes me yearn for her, whenever I see it,” Lena whispered. “It’s like she was trying to share the view with me. And I’d give anything to be there with her… absolutely anything.”

“You’ll see her again soon,” Alex promised. “That’s actually what I came here to talk to you about.”

Lena let out a sharp breath, and pulled away slightly so that she could look up and into Alex’s gaze.

“You mean-?” Lena was almost scared to hope. Her green eyes seemed to sparkle in the dimmed light of the nearby firelight.

“It’s officially go-time,” Alex told her, with a bright glint in her eyes. “Brainy and Mon-El just left for Mars an hour ago. They’re taking the Legion ship there, in order to pick Kara up, so it should be a quick trip back. I’ve also been informed that everything is ready at the facility. So…Yeah, Kara will be back on Earth soon, and we’ll be proceeding with the plan.”

“I never…” Lena’s voice broke, “It’s been so long that I was honestly starting to doubt that it would ever happen. Part of me still can’t believe that it’s happening.”

“Well, believe it,” Alex laughed gently, “Because it’s happening. Kara is coming home.”

And at that, Lena lost it, she buried her face in Alex’s neck, and let out the feelings she’d been holding back for so long. But at the forefront of all of those emotions was relief. It had been so long since she’d felt any kind of joy, or relief, or hope. But now? Now she could allow herself to feel those things again.

“Obviously,” Alex began, “We won’t be able to be at the facility with her, at least not until the radioactive isotope is rendered harmless. But we’ll have a video-feed into the room while it’s happening. And we might even get to speak to her a bit, beforehand.”

“I can’t wait to see her,” Lena said emotionally, “ Actually see her. It feels like it’s been so long. I’ve missed her.”

“Me too,” Alex breathed. “Soon, we’ll be whole again.”

—------

The Day Before the last battle with the World-killers

DEO Headquarters (National City)

Kara was pacing anxiously back and forth in the training room as she waited for Mon-El to show up. She’d requested his presence a short while ago, but she wasn’t entirely sure he was going to show up. After all, their last interaction had gotten a bit heated on the Legion ship. 

She knew that Mon-El was not happy with her decision, and she feared that he might try and punish her for it. 

“Kara?” 

At the unexpected noise, Kara reflexively spun on her heel, causing the sole of her boot to let out a bit of a pathetic squeak as she turned to face him. Of course, in her haste, Kara swiveled around a bit too far and had to throw out her other foot in order to correct her momentum at the last moment. She quickly lurched to a stop, and stumbled a bit to keep her balance. Needless to say, Kara could have done things a bit more gracefully. But she wasn’t exactly worried about looking dignified, at the moment.

Kara released the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, when she laid eyes on him. Mon-El, or Valor, as he was now named, was wearing his red, gold, and blue suit. His expression was unreadable for a moment, but then softened into one she was more familiar with.

“Hey,” Kara greeted him, her voice soft. She struggled not to fidget with uneasiness as he came closer. “Thank you for coming. I uh…wasn’t sure if you were going to come.”

“Of course,” Mon-El told her. “I’ll always come when you call me.”

“Thanks,” Kara said gratefully. 

“I was actually hoping we’d have a chance to talk,” Mon-El said as he stepped closer. “I… wanted to apologize for my behavior.” He let out a huff of self-deprecation. “I tend to be a bit irrational about things when it comes to you. And I… I crossed a line.” Valor ran a hand over the stubble on his face, as he breathed, “I know that things between us are…complicated - that everything has been a bit broken between us since I came back. I thought we made progress on Argo, but then I found out that Reign killed you from the database and I - I just lost it, Kara.” Kara feels a spike of sympathetic pain in her chest as she hears the break in his voice, and sees the tears in his eyes.

“Mon-El,” Kara’s voice was gentle, as she stepped closer. It was instinct to want to comfort him. But part of her knew she couldn’t.

“I know we came to some sort of agreement, to let things be,” Mon-El told her, before swallowing harshly, “To just be friends.” Kara watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed roughly up and down in his throat. “But Rao help me, I still love you, and part of me thinks that I always will. I…. I’ve been trying to accept that it’s not my job to protect you anymore, but it’s been hard.”

“I understand that,” Kara nodded, 

“I’m sorry,” Mon-El apologized finally, “I should have realized that you are capable of making your own decisions, and I shouldn’t have tried to… to intervene.” He let out another harsh breath.

“I forgive you,” Kara told him. “It just… hurt me. Because it made me wonder what you really think of me. Do you really think I’m not good enough - strong enough for this?”

“No,” Mon-El told her adamantly, with a vigorous shake of his head. “No, Kara. I was just scared. I was scared of what I saw in the database - scared of losing you. But you should know, you’re the best person I know. You…. You’re the strongest person I know. You have such a huge heart that is so full of love for the others around you. Your ability to hope in spite of such terrible despair, is so beautiful and powerful. And you make everyone around you better. That’s the case for me, as well. You taught me how to be the best version of myself. The fact is, you’ve taught me so much. I just…. I just wish that I knew how to be brave like you. You never seem to get scared, and as much as I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to deal with the fear like you do.”

“I still get scared, you know,” Kara told him with a roll of her eyes. “In fact, if I’m being honest? I’m absolutely terrified right now. I have been since the dreams started. But I also know that I have to do it. For them. For me.”

“I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do this,” Mon-El admitted.

“I know this isn’t easy for you,” Kara acknowledged. “But I need you to trust me - to trust that I know what I’m doing. I wouldn’t be doing this - all of this - if it wasn’t important to me,” Kara continued as she gestured to the place around them. “Look, I know you haven’t been here long - that Earth might not mean as much to you as it does to me, but this place is my home. I love the people here. And it’s worth protecting. To me? It’s worth dying for,” Kara stressed as she held his gaze. 

“But you should know. I’m not going to just lay down and die, Mon-El,” Kara tried to reassure him, “I’m going to fight with everything I am, in order to make it out of this. I’m going to do it for you, and everyone else that I love.”

“Thank you,” Valor breathed. “That’s all I ask, Kara. And I promise that I’ll do my part to protect this planet, too.”

“I appreciate that,” Kara told him gratefully. “There’s just one other thing I have to ask of you.”

“Anything,” Mon-El told her all-too-quickly.

“It’s more of a favor than anything else,” Kara revealed.

“Of course,” Mon-El reiterated, “Anything you need.”

“Perhaps it’s insensitive of me to ask this of you, given what you’ve told me, but I…. “ Kara trailed off for a moment, before gathering enough courage to continue. “I realized, not too long ago, that I have rather strong feelings for Lena,” Kara told him, as she suddenly glanced down at the floor beneath her feet. She was suddenly unable to meet his eyes. And Kara can’t help but think that he might already know why. “I plan on recording a message for her. It’s just in case something happens to me. And I just… Well, I was hoping that you might make sure she gets it if something…. Something does happen to me.” Kara cleared her throat uneasily, as she looked up and into his eyes. “Things between us have been difficult lately. But even so, I…. I want to make sure that she knows why I did some of the things I did, and how I feel about her. There are some things that I really need her to know. So…. If I get the flashdrive to you before the fight, can you make sure it gets into her hands?”

“Of course, Kara,” Mon-El agreed. “You can trust me with it. I promise you. Just get it into my hand before the fight, and I will make sure that she gets it.” 

“Thank you,” Kara told him gratefully. She was unprepared for when he pulled her into his arms, and gave her a gentle hug, as if he knew she needed the comfort. 

“So, Lena, huh?” he teased her as they pulled apart. “I think I always knew there was something there that remained untapped.”

“Oh my god!” Kara shouted as she shoved him away. “You’re such an ass!”

“What?!?” he asked innocently, “It’s true. There’s always been something unnamed between you. And for what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure she cares about you too.”

“She does not,” Kara denied, “She’s with James. But that’s beside the point. I just… I know it’s stupid, but I don’t really want to take any secrets to the grave. Whether she feels the same or not, she deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know the truth about everything.”

“You know…” Mon-El said thoughtfully, “You could always just tell her before the fight. You could take her aside privately, like you did with me, and just… lay it out for her. It might mean more if you do it face to face.”

“You’re probably right about that,” Kara admitted. “There’s just one problem.”

“And that is?” he questioned. 

“Well, for one,” Kara began, “I’m way too much of a coward for that. And uh… well, it would be awkward. Plus, if James were to find out what I’d done? Let’s just say that our friendship would be irretrievably broken.”

“That’s fair,” Mon-El nodded. “Look, whatever way you want to do it, I’ve got your back.”

“I’ll get you the message before the fight,” Kara spoke with a certain self-assuredness, as she made up her mind.

“Okay,” Mon-El nodded. “Well, if that’s all, I should probably get back to the Legion ship. There are still a lot of preparations to make before tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Kara said dumbly, “I’ve got lots to do here, as well.” Then, “Thanks, Mon-El.”

“Anytime, Kara,” Mon-El smiled, before pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “I’ll always be here for you. As a friend, or whatever you need.”

—------

J’onn’s Residence

Mars - Present Day

Mon-El waited at the door, with his hands clasped behind his back. His posture was rigid, as he waited impatiently for J’onn to come to the door. He felt restless and anxious as he waited.

Mon-El startled a bit when the door finally opened in order to reveal J’onn standing there. He felt himself pulled in for a hug, and eagerly returned it.

“Come in,” J’onn implored him as he stepped further back into the entryway, in order to give Mon-El the space he needed to step in and close the door behind him. 

“She’s just through that door there,” he informed him, “She’s resting.” Then. “I’ll be right there. I’m just gathering the last of our things before we go.”

“Of course,” Mon-El replied. And then he took a deep steadying breath, and headed in the direction J’onn indicated.

Mon-El wasn’t exactly sure what to expect when he walked into the living room. Brainy had attempted to prepare him somewhat, but there was no way he could have ever been prepared for how small Kara looked as she dozed away on the couch. She was curled up on a single cushion, bundled under several blankets. Even under the thick blankets, he could see she was shivering.

He padded softly closer. His heart was pounding harder than he could ever remember it beating before, as he took in the sight of her. And his hands were shaking ever so slightly, at the mere promise of being in her presence after all of this time. 

Even so, he had to keep reminding himself. She’s not yours to love. Not anymore.

But Rao help him, he still loved Kara. Even after all of this time, he still loved her. She would always be his first love, and the one who weighed on him the most. He still regretted how everything ended, and he wished he could fix it. He knew that he hurt her, and he’d give anything to take that back.

Then, as if she could sense his gaze on her, Kara’s eyelids fluttered open, bathing him in warm blue waters.

“Hey,” Kara’s voice was scratchy and weak, as her lips twitched in a small smile. Little did he know that it took nearly all of her energy just to smile at him.

“Hey,” his voice was thick as he lowered himself onto the cushion next to her. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he reached out for her hand. It was the lone part of her that wasn’t huddled beneath the thick wool blankets. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze of affection. “It’s good to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“Mmm,” Kara hummed as her eyes closed once more in exhaustion. “It’s good to see you too,” she slurred as she relaxed, feeling safe in his presence. “What brings you here?”

“You mean J’onn didn’t tell you?” Mon-El asked with a furrowed brow, and a bit of a frown.

“He might’ve mentioned it,” Kara admitted to him, in a weak breath. “But I’ve been having a hard time concentrating. I’m just really tired all of the time.”

“It’s okay,” he told her, as he leant forwards and brushed a strand of hair from her eyes before pressing a gentle kiss to Kara’s warm forehead. This earned him another soft little hum from the woman beneath the blankets.

“We’re here to take you home,” Mon-El told her gently.

“Home?” Kara repeated, as her eyes opened once more. He noticed immediately how her eyes were a bit glazed over.

“Yeah,” he couldn’t stop the words from catching in his throat. “We’re going back home. To Earth.”

It was then that J’onn walked into the room holding a soft-looking red and blue beanie with the Supergirl crest located on it. He handed it to Mon-El, and Mon-El nestled it on Kara’s head, before carefully tugging it down into place over Kara’s ears.

“One of us is going to have to carry her,” J’onn told him. “She’s too weak to walk right now.” J’onn appeared thoroughly disheartened as he shook his head. “She’s fought so hard for so long. But she’s got nothing left.”

“I’ll carry her,” Mon-El told him in a thick voice, as tears built in his eyes. It was hard for him to see the toll that saving the world had taken on her. He was so grateful that she was still alive, but it was so hard for him to see Kara like this. Kara was the strongest person he’d ever known, and now she couldn’t even walk to the door.

“Hey, Kar,” Mon-El told her in a soft whisper, as he stood up from the couch, “I’m gonna pick you up now, okay? I’m going to carry you out to the ship.”

“Okay,” she replied weakly. “It‘s okay. I trust you,” Kara promised as she met his steely gaze.

Mon-El tentatively tugged back the blankets, so that he could see what he was doing, and where he was grabbing. He noticed immediately that she was dressed for comfort. Kara was wearing a soft looking NCU hoodie sweatshirt, and a pair of black sweatpants. And yet, she was still shivering. He slid one arm under her knees, and wrapped the other around her back, before lifting her into his arms. He lifted her weight easily with his legs, and straightened into a standing position. He was surprised at how easy it was to lift her in this state. He had to close his eyes for a moment as her head settled against his shoulder, and she breathed warm puffs of air into his neck. It was almost too much for him to handle. But he was quickly able to push down all his feelings, and ignore them. All he had to do was think of Lena, and that helped remind him that he had no place in Kara’s life anymore. 

“Mmm,” Kara hummed, “You’re warm.”

“That’s a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one,” Mon-El joked quietly, earning a beautiful, soft chuckle from Kara’s lips. “I’m Valor, friend of Supergirl. Supergirl likes me because I’m warm.”

“You have plenty of other great superhero qualities,” Kara said seriously, “But right now, I like you because I’m cold, and you’re very warm. So that’s what you get.”

“Understood,” Mon-El chuckled. “I guess I’ll take it.”

“Gosh, I feel like I’m gonna fall,” Kara told him, as he adjusted his grip on her. Her arms were wrapped around his neck, but she was too weak to really hold on. She knew it would be on Mon-El to hold onto her, and keep her safe.

“I’ve got you,” Mon-El told her, as he tightened his grip on her ever so slightly. “I promise I won’t ever let you fall, Kara.”

“I’ll be right behind you,” J’onn called out as he headed for Kara’s room. “I’ve got to grab the bags, and lock up the house. I’ll meet you on the ship.” 

“Of course,” Mon-El replied. “I’ll help her get comfortable while you do that.”

The air was cold on his face, as Mon-El stepped outside, and into the twilight. He could feel Kara’s little involuntary shivers against him as he walked out towards where the ship was waiting for them. He could hear the loud whirr of the engines in the air, and see the little dust devils that the engines created in the sand, even though the ship was a fair distance away.

Across the horizon, the sun was setting. And of course, Mon-El didn’t pay it any mind. But Kara was quick to call out a desperate plea.

“Wait,” she gasped against him, causing a warm puff of air to brush against his neck. He froze, coming to a quick stop in the rust colored sand. “Please…just… wait…. a…. second,” the plea was quiet, but Mon-El doesn’t think it could have been any more deafening, given the amount of emotion behind it.

“What is it?” Mon-El asked the woman in his arms.

“It’s just… This might be the last sunset I ever see,” Kara whispered. “And I really want to take it in for a moment.” Kara took in a deep breath, and slowly let it out as a deep, relaxed sigh. She suddenly felt at ease. She knew it was a different sun, in a different part of the galaxy. But she could almost trick herself into believing that Rao was embracing her with his warm rays of light. It felt so similar.

This may be the last sunset I'll see

So I'll take it in, I'll take it in

This may be the last air that I'll breathe

I'll breathe it in, I'll breathe it in

And if Mon-El thought that he was going to cry before, then he sure as hell had no chance in hell of stopping the tears now. Which is how he wound up staring at the sunset, with silent tears streaming down his face, as Kara lay nestled in his arms. He could hear her rasping breaths, and feel the small puffs of air against him. It was as if it were taking a monumental effort just for her to rake in a breath between her violent shivers.

“It’s beautiful,” Kara sighed out gently, as she stared off into the distance, trying to take in every comforting detail - every color in the sky. “Don’t you think?”

“It is,” he agreed. “It’s absolutely breathtaking. But it won’t be your last,” Mon-El shook his head in denial. “You’ve got so many sunsets left to see. Please don’t give up now, Kara.”

“I promise that I don’t intend to,” Kara responded, “But I just don’t have much fight left in me. I’m tired, Mon-El.”

I heard that pictures don't change
Just the people inside of 'em do
Whoever told you that life would be easy
I promise that person was lyin' to you

“We’ll help you,” he promised. “You just have to hold on a little longer, and we’ll do the rest.”

“Okay,” Kara breathed, as she turned her head back into him, and closed her eyes. “We can go now. I’m just gonna close my eyes for a moment. I’m really tired.”

“Of course,” he spoke in a gentle voice. Kara could feel the rumble in Mon-El’s chest as he spoke the words. “You just rest now. We’ll be back home before you know it.”

Of course, the few minutes wound up being a lot longer. Kara didn’t even stir as Mon-El walked her inside of the ship. She didn’t rouse as he carefully lowered her onto one of the soft beds in the ship's Med-bay. Mon-El and Brainy feverishly worked to get her hooked up to all of their equipment so that they could keep a better eye on her heart and lung function. She slept through all of the chaos.

“How is it looking?” Mon-El asked Brainy as he looked at the first read-outs they received.

“It’s….” Brainy a.k.a. Querl floundered for a response. “Let’s just say that it’s a good thing that we’re ready to proceed now. Because I dare say that she wouldn’t have lasted another week.”

“The others are hounding us for updates,” Mon-El revealed. “Should we let them know how she’s doing?”

“No,” Brainy said seriously and passionately, as he met Mon-El’s eyes. 

“Brainy,” Mon-El sounded apprehensive. Brainy could tell that his words didn’t sit well with him.

“If we tell them the truth about how she really is,” Querl explained, “they’ll lose hope. And we can’t do that to them. They’ve put in so much hard work for this. And to just rip it away? Just like that? I can’t do that to them. The fact is, they’ll know the truth soon enough. But they deserve to have peace for a little while longer.”

“Lena and Alex deserve to know,” Mon-El found himself arguing. 

“I know that you disagree with me,” Brainy acknowledged his response. “But you haven’t seen what I’ve seen. I’ve been working with Lena closely these last few months. She is a dear friend of mine, and she’s practically worked herself to the bone these last few months in an effort to save Kara. She has barely held onto her sanity, as it stands. And if we tell her the truth, I’m convinced that it will break her completely. I’m doing this to spare her feelings - Alex’s, too.”

“Since when did you start caring about sparing anyone’s feelings?” Mon-El asked him. “The old Brainy I knew never would have spared a thought for someone else’s feelings!” He didn’t mean to sound callous. But it was strange to hear Brainy talk about anything other than analytics and probabilities. 

“I will have you know that I’m constantly changing and evolving,” Brainy argued. “I’m just trying to be a better friend. Surely that should count for something! The fact is, I genuinely care about Lena, Alex, Winn, and the rest of the crew. And, sure! I don’t like withholding important information from them. But I’ll also do it, if I think it’ll protect them.”

“If Kara dies, then they will never forgive us for lying when we could have told the truth,” Mon-El told him in a matter of fact.

“She’s not going to die,” Brainy told him emphatically. “Not if I have any say in it.“

“Brainy? Mon-El?” Imra’s voice was calm as she called out for them. It was clear that she was looking for them.

“In here,” Mon-El called out in return, as he frantically put coordinates into the ship’s computer. He wanted to be ready to go just as soon as J’onn was aboard.

Mon-El knew the second that Imra stepped into the room, because he heard her audible gasp.

“Oh,” Imra looked nothing short of floored, as she laid eyes on Kara's motionless body for the first time. They’d removed Kara’s sweatshirt, so she was lying on the bed in a black tank top and black leggings. On her chest was a compact little box about the size of a pack of bubble gum. It had leads running out from it, and those spread out at a thirty degree angle across her chest. Some of the leads vanished beneath the fabric of her tank. The box wirelessly connected to the computer, and gave a real-time read out of Kara’s heartbeat, and all of its electrical activity. On Kara’s forehead was a sticker, with a wire leading off to another nearby machine. This gave a readout of Kara’s blood oxygen saturation, temperature, and pulse rate. 

“Oh, Kara,” Imra whispered. Her gaze was full of pity as she quickly grabbed a spare blanket, and immediately set about covering the rail-thin woman with the thick wool woven blanket. She tucked in the sides.

“I had to turn on the lamps in an effort to keep her warm,” Brainy told her. “She’s severely hypothermic. She keeps shivering, but the shivering is doing very little to drive up her temperature and is using energy she doesn't have. We’re going to have to overload her with solar radiation once we get to Earth.” Then he continued to ramble on, “We’ll need to try and get her to bulk up again, before putting her through the rigors of the treatment. As such, she’s basically been starving.”

“H-how?” Imra stuttered, scarcely able to comprehend how Kara could have deteriorated like she had.

”Well,” Brainy began, “According to J’onn she hasn’t been able to eat for the better part of two months. And without the sun’s radiation to compensate for the loss, she’s nearly starved to death.”

“That’s not good,” Imra breathed. “Is she going to be strong enough to make it through this?”

“The jury is still out on that, I’m afraid,” Mon-El muttered bitterly. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I first saw her. She….She looks so…. small , Imra.”

“Yeah,” Imra nodded. “But she’s strong. And she’s a fighter if I’ve ever seen one. I never expected she would be able to hold on for so long, but she’s done it.”

------------

Flashback:

The Day of the Last Battle with the World-killers

The Department of Extranormal Operations, National City, USA (Earth)

Kara’s voice was tight, and her posture was rigid as she stood in front of the microphone in one of the spare rooms at the DEO headquarters, “But please… Please just do something for me?” She begged Lena, imploring the other woman to take her words to heart. “If… If I’m dead, or if I’m not able to come back and give you the love that you so very much deserve. Please… Please just try to be happy for me? Do as much good in the world that you possibly can! I-” Kara cut herself off as she heard the door open behind her.

“Kara?” Mon-El’s usually boisterous voice was impossibly quiet. It was as if he knew she was in the middle of something important.

“Alex sent me to come and get you,” he revealed, “I’m afraid it’s time to go.”

"Already?” Kara spoke in a hint of disbelief, before glancing at the time and realizing that it was in fact time for them to leave. “Yeah, okay. Sorry. Just give me one moment to wrap things up." Then, Kara turned back towards the microphone, and said in a thoroughly broken voice, "Sorry. I've just been told to wrap it up. Rao, I.... I hate everything about this...but it would seem that I'm out of time." Finally, Kara said the only words that were left. “So I guess that all there is that's left to say - Is goodbye - Goodbye, Lena. I- I love you.” Then Kara hit the button to stop the recording. She saved the compressed file, copied it over onto the flashdrive, and waited for it to finish copying. Once it was complete. She then ejected the flash drive from the computer and turned towards Mon-El. 

“Please make sure she gets this,” Kara breathed as she met his ocean blue eyes. His eyes looked suddenly stormy.

“Did you mean it?” Mon-El asked quietly. “Did you mean what you said in the message?”

“Yes,” Kara breathed. She was surprised at how easy it was to say, now that she’d broken the seal on her heart, and had acknowledged what was inside. “Yes, I do. I can’t say that she’ll ever feel the same, but I do love her. I love her with all of my heart.” Then. “I’m sorry. I don’t say that to be cruel. But I say it because  It’s the truth.”

“No,” Mon-El shook his head. “No, I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love again, Kara. Because at the end of the day? All I’ve ever wanted… was for you to be happy. So please, don’t ever apologize for your feelings.”

“Thank you,” Kara said with a grateful smile. “Who would have ever thought we’d make it here?”

“I know,” Mon-El chuckled. “Look at us, being great friends. Who would have ever thought it possible?”

“Rao,” Kara laughed boisterously, “You’re such a dork!”

“And you love me for it,” Mon-El told her seriously, “Now come on, the others are waiting.”

—---

Undisclosed DEO Facility

(Greenland) Earth - Present Day

When they arrived at the facility on Earth, there was a welcoming party waiting for them. 

Mon-El cradled Kara closer to his body, as he carried her through the crowd waiting for them at the doors. There was a thud behind him, and then rushed steps chasing after him as Mon-El continued walking.

“Mon-El,” Kal-El’s voice was desperate, as he caught up with him. He heard Kal’s audible gasp, when Kal caught sight of Kara for the first time in nearly a month. She looked so small.

“Here,” Kal pleaded as he held out his arms, “Please let me take her.” For a moment, Mon-El was reluctant to hand her over. But then he saw the desperation in Kal-El’s eyes, and knew the other man was hurting. Perhaps, he just wanted to feel a bit closer to Kara. And as her closest family member, Kal had every right to want to do that.

“Of course,” Mon-El agreed. “Just be careful,” Mon-El warned him, “She’s really fragile right now.”

Kara’s eyes flickered open during the hand off, as she was jostled ever so slightly. She met Kal’s steely blue eyes, and smiled at him warmly.

“Hey,” Kara’s voice was extremely raspy with disuse, and sounded like gravel to her own ears. It took Kal some getting used to, because it didn’t even sound like Kara’s voice at all.

“Hey,” Kal whispered as he gave her a brave, loving smile, “It’s good to see you, Cousin. Welcome home.”

“It's good to see you, too,” Kara breathed sleepily. “I was wondering if you would be here.”

“Of course,” Superman told her in a thick voice. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’ve missed you.”

“Me too,” Kara hummed, as she snuggled further into Kal’s arms.

“How’s Lois?” Kara asked after a moment.

“She’s good. She’s extremely worried about you,” Kal-El said quietly, almost privately, “I promised her that she could come visit, once it was safe for her to do so. So, you’ll see her soon.”

“And the others?” Kara questioned him with her eyes closed.

“They’re a nervous wreck,” Kal admitted, truthfully, “But they are otherwise okay. We’ve all just been in a kind of holding pattern waiting for your return. We’ve all felt like something has been missing. Life hasn’t been the same without you.”

Kal carried her further inside the medical facility, to the room they had set up just for her. There was a loud whoosh of air as they went through the decontamination chamber. They waited patiently to be granted access into a glass room. From what Kal understood, the glass was heavily lined with lead in order to keep any possible radiation from escaping. Once they were granted access, and the doors opened, Kal stepped tentatively into the room. 

Kara had to squeeze her eyes shut, as the lights in the room were uncomfortably bright. Kal carried her towards the lone bed in the room. It reminded her more of a dentist's chair and less of a bed, but as she settled down into it, she realized that it was more comfortable than it looked. It had good padding, and put welcomed pressure on the necessary pressure points in her body. Kara eagerly settled into it, and closed her eyes.

“Could we turn down the lights just a little bit,” J’onn requested as he entered the room. “She’s been dealing with awful headaches, and the light is only going to make things a lot worse.”

Whomever it was that was in charge of things, quickly complied and turned down the lights in the room. And for that Kara was eternally grateful. She opened her eyes, and took a curious look about the room.

She stiffened a bit as a man in Doctor’s scrubs approached. 

“Kara?” The man’s voice was gentle, as he lowered himself down onto a footstool next to the bed. “You might not remember me, but I’m Dr. Carter. I’ve worked on you before.”

“No, I-” Kara felt a pang of something in her chest, as she remembered him hovering over her, begging her to hold on, as they tried to stabilize her. “I remember you,” Kara told him with tears in her eyes. “I never got to thank you,” she whispered as she met his kind brown eyes.

“You being here is thanks enough,” He smiled. “I just wanted,” he paused for a moment, “Well, I wanted to officially introduce myself this time, I’m Ladrian, Ladrian Carter.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Carter,” Kara smiled as she held out a hand. He reached out and gave it a gentle shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Supergirl. But please, call me Ladrian.”

“That Doctor over there, is Doctor Ignatius Hammond,” Carter announced with a slight inclination of his head, “He looks a bit scary, but I promise he’s a big softie.”

“Hey,” Doctor Hammond protested from across the room, “I heard that!”

“And last but not least, that’s Dr. Laurent Olivier,” Ladrian said, as he motioned to another individual, who was preparing multiple bags of fluid over in the corner.

“Hey,” another individual in scrubs interjected as they walked into the room, “I don’t get an introduction?”

“Of course, Nora,” Ladrian said with a roll of his eyes, “This is Nora. She’s the nurse in charge of your care.”

“I…. I remember you too,” Kara said with a haunted look in her eyes, “You were helping me breathe.”

“Yeah, Sweetheart,” Nora confirmed, with a sad smile, “That was me.” She was happy to be remembered, but not necessarily for the way in which she was remembered. She knew that Kara’s memory of her would forever be traumatizing.

“Thank you,” Kara said emotionally.

“Of course, Dear,” she smiled, giving Kara’s hand a squeeze. “I was happy I could help. I’m so glad we were able to save you.”

“Are we ready to proceed, Dr. Carter?” Nora asked.

“Yeah,” Dr. Carter nodded, “We should get her into a gown. I, and the other Doctors will step out, while you get her situated.”

At that, Dr. Carter stood and started drawing a large curtain around the bed, in order to shield Kara from view. It served to give them some much needed privacy.

“I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to get you changed into a gown,” Nora said as she pulled out a gown from one of the drawers in the room, “We’re going to need access to your arms, and that won’t be possible in that sweatshirt.”

“Oh! Of course,” Kara breathed, “Whatever you need.”

And that was how Kara found herself in a thin paper-like outfit that did little to keep in what little body warmth that she had. The gown, as it happens, was actually made of a material that was disposable and easy to incinerate. 

“I’ll get you some warm blankets, Sweetheart,” Nora announced as she rushed from the room.

While outside of the room, she must have given the Doctors the go-ahead to come back into the room, because they came flooding back into the room, in order to resume their tasks.

“Can I keep the beanie on, at least?” Kara begged, when one of the other nurses tried to take it off.

The nurse looked helplessly at Dr. Hammond, who gave a small nod of his head. Kara let out a sigh of relief. Shortly thereafter, Nora reappeared. Her arms were laden with lots of warm blankets. Kara let out a deep contented sigh, as Nora started covering her with several of the heated blankets.

“Rao,” Kara breathed as she snuggled beneath the blankets, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything quite so wonderful in all of my life.”

“Yeah?” Nora asked her with a soft look in her eyes.

“Yeah,” Kara nodded, “I’ve never really felt the cold before. So to suddenly be freezing all of the time? It’s a lot . It’s nice to feel a respite, for a change.”

“I imagine it would be quite a rude awakening,” Nora replied. “Unfortunately, your powers are somewhat diminished because of your lack of exposure to sunlight. But hopefully, the effects you’re experiencing will only be temporary.”

“I hope so,” Kara sighed, as she ran a hand over the top of the blankets, admiring the texture of the cotton blankets. “Because it’s a miserable feeling. I don’t know how humans deal with it.”

Kara swallowed uneasily as she watched Nora and Dr. Olivier set up instruments, I.V. catheters and the like, on a stainless steel tray next to the bedside.

“We’re just getting some things ready,” a red-haired, orange-skinned nurse by the name of Dahlia, told Kara with a gentle look in her eyes. “I promise that we won’t proceed until you’re ready.”

“That means a lot,” Kara whispered, as she looked around the room. “But I have a feeling that if we waited until I was ready, we’d be waiting indefinitely.”

“I know it can’t be easy,” Dahlia responded as she sat down next to the bed, “But we’ll get through it all together, okay? We don’t want you to be scared.”

“You’re all so kind,” Kara’s voice was thick as she met Dahlia’s gaze. “I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am for all of you. Just...thank you. Thank you so much for everything.”

“Of course, Dear,” she smiled. “I know that you might not remember us, but we remember you. You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and it's been an honor taking care of you.” Then, “Plus, after all you’ve done for the Earth and our new home, I feel like it’s the least we could do.”

“You make me sound a lot more of a hero than I actually am,” Kara breathed.

"Oh, honey," Dahlia said, before clicking her tongue quietly, "You're the only reason there's still an Earth at all. Your constant dedication to the mission of hope, help, and compassion for all, is inspirational. You taught us all to be our own heroes. And when the Earth was threatened by a foe unlike one the Earth has ever faced, you stood against them. You were steadfast and courageous. And you were willing to sacrifice your life in order to ensure Earth could survive the threat of the World-killers. You are a hero in my book. And I'm pretty sure if you pulled anybody aside on the street, they would tell you the same."

Kara's cheeks dusted themselves a pretty shade of pink as she ducked her head, and shook it slowly side to side. It was clear that all of Dahlia's flattery embarrassed her somewhat. Kara was unprepared for her heroism to be acknowledged in such a way, mainly because she's convinced that anyone in her position would have done the same.

Kara's body language stiffened somewhat as she took another look around. Her brows furrowed deeply in anxiety, as she took in more of her surroundings.

“Don’t worry,” Nora said reassuringly, “We won’t be proceeding with anything else, until you’ve had a good chance to get your strength back.”

"Uh... If you don't mind me asking," Kara began sheepishly. “Just how do you plan on doing that?” Kara asked in a soft, patient voice.

“Why... with some good old solar radiation, of course,” Kal-El told her as he strode back into the room. She realized then that he must have stepped out. “With the DEO’s help, we installed some solar lamps in here. And that bed you’re on can also convert into a solar bed. We think that solar energy replacement will work faster than some of the more risk-heavy, and invasive caloric replacement methods like TPN. You've never really needed food to survive, just the sun. The same is still true.”

"But I thought that solar radiation was accelerating the progression of my illness," Kara replied, "Aren't we still worried about that happening?"

"Yes and no," Brainy stated as he stepped into the conversation. "We're close enough to the endgame that we feel comfortable in taking the risk. We just have to be careful not to tip the scales one way or another, which is why we'll start at a fraction of the sun's intensity and work up from there. But we're at a point where we need to take advantage of every means we can, and your metabolic processes are one of those things. " 

“But that will change once we infuse the Kryptonite, won’t it?” Kara asked. “Then I’ll actually need nourishment derived from food.”

“Yes,” Kal nodded, “I suppose you will.” Then, with a sly grin he added, “I guess it’s a good thing you like food, huh?”

“Yeah,” Kara smiled. 

“I think between our core group of friends, we can afford to get you a lifetime supply of pizza and potstickers. We’ll make it worth your while,” Kal promised.

“That sounds amazing,” Kara admitted. “But as it stands now, I could really use a good nap.”

“Of course,” Kal promised, “I think now seems like the perfect time for a good nap. We’ll get the sun lamps turned on while you sleep. You should feel a lot better when you wake.”

“I hope so,” Kara sighed. “I really don’t have any energy left.”

“The sun lamps should help with that,” Ladrian Carter interjected. “But I need you to do me a favor. If you start having any troubling symptoms like chest pain, or shortness of breath with the solar lamps, I need you to tell me immediately. Okay, Kara?”

“Sure thing, Doc,” Kara mumbled, as her eyes fluttered closed. “M’ not having any of those yet. I’m just really tired.”

“Then get some sleep, Kara,” Doctor Carter replied gently as he touched her shoulder, “You’ve more than earned a good rest.” But by then Kara was already out cold.

“Alright, everyone, let’s get the solar lamps on,” Ladrian said as he addressed all of the medical personnel in the room, “We’ll start at 25% and work our way up over time. I want you to closely watch her vitals for any changes, and alert me immediately if there are any deviations from the normal.”

“Mind if I stay?” Kal asked him.

“Not at all,” Ladrian replied, “We’ll be removing all non-essential personnel from the room, so as to minimize noise and interruptions. I just ask that you keep the noise to a minimum. And…if you notice any changes in her condition, I would ask that you notify me immediately.”

“Of course, Doctor,” Kal nodded. “Thank you.”

“It is no problem,” Ladrian assured him, “I’ll be back in a little while to check on her.” With that, Ladrian gathered all of the non-essential personnel in the room, and ushered them out of the room before ultimately following them out.

—---------- 

Meanwhile, a few-hundred miles away at a separate facility, the rest of the crew was waiting for word. Alex was pacing anxiously back and forth in front of the large screen on the wall, while waiting for the feed of Kara and the treatment room to come through. The room was packed full of people, all plagued with various degrees of impatience and nervousness. The entire entourage from Earth-1 was there, as well as nearly everyone from the DEO who was involved in finding a treatment for Kara. Most of them were locked together in hushed conversation, as they tried to pass the time until it all began. 

“It was supposed to be up minutes ago,” Alex practically growled, as she wore holes in the floor with her military issue boots. “What in the hell is taking them so long?”

“Relax,” Winn had to tell her, “Breathe, Alex. J’onn said they just got there. They have to get things ready in the room, and get Kara settled before they can focus on getting us eyes into the room.”

“I know,” Alex sighed. “I know,” she repeated, “It’s just… I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“Tell me about it,” Lena huffed. “I just... hope she’s okay. I mean…. Brainy wouldn’t give us any information, except for the fact that they had her and were on their way.”

It was then that a soft rumble of noise went through the room, as the previously dark screen in the room flickered multiple times, and then started showing a feed into the room. There was no sound just yet, but everyone started talking, as they watched various individuals float around the room, performing various tasks. But in the center of it all, was the figure on the chair. 

For a moment, Lena was confused. She was confused because the figure on the chair didn’t look familiar to her at tall. But then, as she focused on the mannerisms of the figure in the chair while they talked to one of the nurses, Lena realized they were familiar. Her stomach dropped as she realized that it was Kara she was looking at. She just looked completely different from the woman she once knew. Her cheeks were sunken, and there were half-moon shaped, lavender toned bags under her eyes. She was frail, small in ways Lena wasn’t prepared to see.

“Oh god,” Alex gasped as she took in the sight of Kara, as well. “… Is that Kara?” Alex shook her head in denial, “No, that can’t be her.” The woman before them was deathly pale, shivering, and rail thin. Lena could swear that she could see the bones in Kara’s arms jutting out at the joints. It was even more apparent when looking at Kara’s wrists.

“Alex,” Lena said, as she grabbed hold of the other woman’s hand and squeezed. Then, Alex squeezed back in turn, and pulled Lena into her. The two women hugged each other as they desperately tried to offer the other some comfort.

“They’re just getting her settled,” Winn announced as he approached. “Kal is with her, now. They’re going to treat her with the solar lamps before proceeding with treatment. As it stands now, the medical team doesn’t think she’s strong enough to survive treatment. They need to get her strength up a bit first.” 

“I didn’t know she was doing so poorly,” Alex swallowed. “J’onn told me she’d been doing well. He said she'd been fighting.” Alex's jaw clenched in frustration, before she let out a huff of anger. Her teeth ground themselves together as she tried to deal with the sudden fear she felt. What if they'd come all this way, just to lost Kara in the end? It seemed unbelievably unfair.

“She has been,” Winn acknowledged, “But even so, she is quite ill. She hasn’t been able to keep food down for some time due to the radiation sickness. They've tried multiple treatments without much success, including Prussian blue and Amifostine. But have bought some time, at least.”

“Why didn’t Brainy tell us?” Lena questioned. “He didn’t give us any updates, Winn! How were we supposed to know?”

“Please don’t be upset, but I suspect he did it on purpose,” Winn admitted. “I think he was just trying to spare you from the truth,” Winn exhaled. 

“What truth was he trying to spare us from?” Lena challenged angrily, with her voice going a bit shrill at the end, “Don't you think we deserved to know that she's only just on this side of death’s door?”

"We've all been hanging onto our hope by a very thin thread," Winn argued, "and I think he didn't want to take that away."

"I don't care what he thought!" Alex interjected, "We had a right to know, Winn."

“Hey,” Winn said as he met Alex and Lena’s gaze sympathetically, “She’s still here. Kara did her best to hang on like she promised.”

“I just can't stand the thought that she’s been suffering like this,” Lena said in a thick voice, “I asked her to hang on for as long as she could, no matter how bad things got. But I don't think I ever really realized what that meant - or what she'd have to endure in order to fulfill that wish.”

"I know," Winn sighed, "But I think if you asked Kara, she'd tell you that it was worth it. She's told J'onn that she wants this life, and that she was willing to fight for it."

"Still, I can't help but feel like it's my fault," Lena spoke in a dejected voice. 

"No!" Winn and Alex interrupted at the same time. Then, Alex took over, "Hey, we all wanted the same thing, Lena. I asked Kara to hang on, too. I warned her that it could get really bad. This isn't just on you, it's on all of us. We all selfishly wanted her here, not just you."

“Look, I understand that everything feels pretty hopeless right now. But we really can't afford to get bogged down by our despair and guilt. Kara needs us to be strong for her. Yes, this all royally sucks, but what matters right now, is that Kara is alive, and she’s here. We’re going to get her through this. ”

“Yeah. By putting her through more hell ,” Alex cut in, her eyes and expression hard. “You want to talk about suffering. Well, she’s not done. In order to fix this, we’re going to have to put Kara through more of it.” Alex shook her head. “God, I don’t think I realized what all of this entailed.” Then, “She doesn’t even look like Kara anymore… How… how are we supposed to go through with this?”

“Alex-” Lena tried, but she could see the haunted look in Alex’s eyes. And if she was being honest, Lena felt the same way.

"What?" Alex bit out harshly.

“As much as this hurts, I think we just need to remember that the ends justify the means,” Lena breathed. But she didn’t really agree with the sentiment. If anything, the idea of what they were going to have to do to Kara haunted her too. "Winn is right. She's done the hardest part. And now she needs us to do our part. She needs us to be strong for her. We have to get her through this, even if it means pretending that we're optimistic when we're scared out of our minds."

—--------

Three days later… 

Undisclosed DEO Facility

(Greenland) Earth 

After three days of nearly uninterrupted rest under the sunlamps , Kara looked a lot more like herself again. Her muscles were filling out beneath her skin, and her bones, tendons and ligaments were no longer so pronounced. Her cheeks were no longer hollow, and her coloring was much better. There were no longer lavender shadows under her eyes. Her hair was softer and shinier, and seemed to be a lighter tone than the dirty blonde locks of before. 

The Doctors and Nurses seemed encouraged by this dramatic turnaround, and were feeling comfortable with the notion of proceeding. With Kara’s blessing, they decided to move onto the next phase of treatment, with the express promise of letting Kara talk to her loved ones, first. 

Three hundred miles away, in a separate facility, Lena was pacing back and forth in the common area. The updates they’d received in regards to Kara’s condition, had all been positive. But for some reason, she was still uneasy. 

“It’s time for the video call, if you still want to talk to her,” Winn announced as he approached them with the tablet clutched in his hands. “The Doctor wants to proceed, so you’ll only have a few minutes. But the option is there for you, if you want it.”

“Of course we still want to talk to her,” Alex snapped at him. “It’s just… What are we supposed to say?”

“We have to be brave for her,” Lena told her. “She must be so scared, Alex. We just… we just have to act confident. She needs to know we have faith in the work we’ve done - that we have faith that she’ll pull through this.”

“Oh shit, it’s ringing,” Alex gasped as she took the tablet from Winn. There was a faint beep, and then the other line connected. They saw Mon-El’s face, first, as he was the one holding the tablet.

“Hey, guys,” he greeted them with a weary smile, “Just a second and I’ll hand you over.”

Lena could hear Kal’s voice in the background. He seemed to be chatting with Kara about something.

“Actually,” Lena quickly found her voice, “I was hoping to ask you something.”

“Oh. Of course, Lena,” Mon-El’s voice was soft and gentle as he met her defeated expression. “What is it?”

“Well, I didn’t know if you were planning on staying in the room,” Lena began, “But I think it would mean the world to Kara if you were there. And since Alex and I can’t be there, well, I was wondering if you would stay with her. I just,” Lena’s voice trailed off as she felt tears burn in her eyes, “I don’t want her to be alone, and it would mean so much to me, if someone else who loved Kara was there to comfort her.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, “I really don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Lena told him. 

“Then of course I’ll stay,” Mon-El promised. “J’onn and Brainy will be here, too," Mon-EL continued, "Kara made Kal promise to keep his distance for this part, so that he won't be adversely affected by the Kryptonite.”

“Thank you,” Alex whispered in a broken voice.

“Alright,” Mon-El nodded, “I’m gonna hand you guys over to her now.” Then, he turned from the screen, and addressed Kara.

“Hey, Kara,” Mon-El told her, “I’ve got your sister and Lena on the line. Are you up to talking for a couple of minutes?” They couldn’t really hear Kara’s muffled response, because Mon-El’s finger had accidentally covered the microphone on the device. But he must have gotten a positive response, though, because then their view suddenly changed. First, they were looking at a dizzying picture of the ceiling, then the floor, before Kara’s face finally came into view.

“Hey,” Kara had an adorable smile on her face. It was as wide of a smile as Kara could manage in her state. It wasn’t much, but it meant everything to the women on the other side of the connection. 

In the smaller box at the top of the screen, Lena and Alex huddled together as close as they could get.

“Hey!” Alex greeted rather cheerily. It sounded a bit overly enthusiastic to her own ears - mainly because Alex was trying to overcompensate for all of the worry and devastation she’d been experiencing for the last several days - but Kara willingly accepted the greeting without scrutiny.

Kara quickly reciprocated with a weak wave, and a small, "Hey."

“Hi, Darling,” Lena greeted in a soft and affectionate voice, “It’s so good to see you. You look beautiful.” And she did. No matter what, Lena would always find Kara to be breathtakingly beautiful. Lena was suddenly struck by the color of Kara’s blue eyes. Sure, most of Kara’s coloring was washed out under the bright white lights in the room. But her eyes were just as clear and majestic as Lena remembered. To Lena, Kara’s eyes looked like the warm, inviting waters of the ocean on a clear summer’s day. It was easy to feel at home when she was looking deeply into Kara’s eyes. It wasn’t quite the same as being wrapped in Kara’s warm arms, but it was close.

“You look really pretty, too,” Kara replied, with a rosy flush to her cheeks, and a brightness in her brilliant blue eyes, “I like your glasses. You should definitely wear them more often. They make you look really cute.” This earned Kara an adorable little tinkling laugh from Lena.

“Mmm. Well, maybe I will have to wear them more often then,” Lena told her after the laughter tapered off, There was a flirtatious lilt to her voice, during which some of her Irish accent came through. “Especially now that I know you like them so much.” There was a mirth in Lena’s green eyes as she looked back at the screen. And Kara can only think that she just fell even more in love with her.

"I uhh... like your hat," Lena complimented, alluding to the tri-colored beanie with the Supergirl crest currently situated on Kara's head.

"Thanks," Kara replied with a faint blushing of her cheeks.

"I mean it," Lena assured her, "It's cute."

"Thank you," Kara replied with a faint smile. Then, she cleared her throat awkwardly as tension built. The few moments of silence hung on slightly too long. “So how are you guys?” Kara asked, “How was the flight over?"

"Good," Alex replied, "The flight to the continent was nice and smooth." Then, "But we had to take a Helicopter for the last little bit, and this one," Alex pointed to Lena with a thumb, "Really does not like flying."

"Oh gosh," Kara looked horrified, knowing full well Lena had a lot of nervousness with flying. "Are you okay?" she asked Lena worriedly. She knew better than most where Lena's fear of flying came from.

"I'm just fine, Darling," Lena told her, "Alex helped me through it."

"I'm pretty sure she crushed the bones in my hand," Alex joked, as she held up her hand for inspection. "It's still sore."

"Well, thank you for being there for her," Kara told her gratefully. "It means a lot that you were there for her, when I couldn't be."

"Of course, Kar," Alex told her with a knowing look in her eyes. "I told you. I've always got your back." And Kara remembers that promise well. It's good to know that Alex took that promise seriously.

"Thanks," Kara smiled back. Kara took a deep breath, and then said, "So... Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you been taking care of yourselves? You guys look really tired." And Lena wanted to laugh. Because, of course - of course Kara would be worried about them. Never mind the fact that Kara had spent most of the last several weeks on death’s door. It was just such a typical thing for Kara to do. She always put others above herself.

“Kara,” Lena shook her head wryly.

“What?” Kara challenged innocently, “I just can't help but worry about you. And I know you tend to forget about taking care of yourself when you’re focused on other things.”

“Well, that is true,” Lena laughed. She didn't know whether to be touched or annoyed that Kara knew her so well, “But Alex and Sam have been doing a good job of taking care of me. I promise. It's just that with all the traveling, it took a bit out of us. But I'm doing okay.”

“We’re doing fine,” Alex asserted. “If anything, we’re just a bit worried about you. How are you feeling?”

“Oh, me?” Kara hesitated, “I’m… feeling a lot better now that I’ve had a good rest under the sun lamps. I’m really glad to be home.”

“We’re so glad to have you back,” Lena breathed as she reached up to adjust her glasses, and tug at the neckline of her gray cashmere sweater. The gray made the green of Lena’s eyes stand out even more. “I can’t tell you how much it means that we get to see you again. We've missed you - I've missed you.”

“It means a lot to me, too,” nearly whispered, “For a while there, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. But now? Seeing you guys like this? Well, It makes all the bad days worth it. You… You guys are the ones that got me through in the end.”

“Kara,” Lena sniffled, as she felt tears build in her eyes. “You’re going to make me cry, and I’m not wearing waterproof mascara.”

“Sorry,” Kara murmured sincerely, “I’m not trying to make you cry. It’s just… It’s the truth.” Then, "And I hope it goes without saying, but I've missed you too, more than you'll ever know."

“I’m just glad you stuck to your promise,” Lena told her as she continued to fight her emotions. “I was so worried we weren’t going to find a solution in time.”

“I never had any doubt that you would,” Kara told her emphatically, as she held eye-contact. “I’ve always been able to count on you, Lena. I knew that you wouldn’t let me down.” 

"Well, I'm glad one of us had faith in my ability," Lena joked,

"I'll always believe in you, Lena," Kara told her earnestly.

"Seriously, though," Lena admitted, "If it hadn't been for Alex, I think I would have given up or lost my mind. Or both? Probably both."

"Yeah?" Kara asked her with a pointed look at her sister, "I didn't even know that Alex had that nurturing side. She's always been a bit of a git when it comes to me."

"Kara!" Alex looked nothing short of affronted, to which Kara's response was boisterous laughter.

"Rao, you should totally see your face right now," Kara laughed heartily, "It's hilarious."

"If anyone is being a git, it's you," Alex retorted.

Kara held up her hands. "Kidding. I was kidding!" Kara said in a earnest voice. "Sorry... I don't want you to take me literally, Alex, because I really was joking. I hope you know. You're the best sister that anyone could ask for. And I'm eternally grateful to you in a multitude of ways, for everything you've done for me. I can't even begin to thank you enough. I love you so much." And just like that, Alex's indignance was gone, and Alex's throat was burning as tears built in her eyes. 

"I love you too, you big sap," Alex choked out in a thick voice, while furiously wiping away her tears. "But I'm mad at you for making me cry."

"I'm sorry," Kara told her.

"It's fine," Alex shrugged, and looked away. She cleared her throat loudly, and wiped away the residual moisture from her tears. "I just don't like looking weak."

Lena scoffed as she pulled Alex into a side hug. "Crying doesn't make you look weak, you dummy. You want to know how I know that? It's because you and Kara taught me that." 

Lena and Alex became worried as Kara looked away from the screen. Kara’s forehead scrunched up, and a crinkle formed between her eyes as she focused on something off screen.

“Is everything alright, Kar?” Alex questioned her, worriedly.

“Yeah,” Kara nodded absently, before looking back at the screen. “Sorry. I just got distracted for a moment.” But Lena could feel that there was something Kara wasn’t telling them. Kara seemed troubled about something, and Lena just wanted to help.

“Hey,” Lena’s voice softened, “What’s bothering you, Darling?” Lena wanted desperately to be able to wrap Kara in a hug, as she saw the fragile expression on Kara’s face. 

“I just… Well, I know it probably sounds a bit stupid, but I can’t stop picturing all of the things that they’re going to do to me with these fun-looking instruments,” Kara admitted anxiously, “I…. I’ve been trying really hard not to think about it, but I’m starting to get a bit nervous. They… They kind of look intimidating.”

“Oh, Kara,” Lena felt her heart break for the other woman. “I know it’s all very frightening, but I promise that they’re going to make sure you’re not in any pain, okay? They might even put you out for most of it.”

“I…. I just really wish you could be here with me,” Kara breathed traitorously, as tears built in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. “And I don’t say that because I want you to feel bad about the situation, but because it's… how I feel.” If Lena thought that her heart was broken before, watching Kara cry absolutely destroyed her.

“I know,” Alex acknowledged. “We both wish that we could be there too. Look, I know that it’s really hard to be apart right now, but I promise that it won’t be for much longer. We’ll be with you soon. Until then, Mon-El, J’onn, and Brainy, are going to be with you.”

“Kara,” a gentle voice interrupted them, “I think we’re ready to proceed, Dear.”

“Oh,” Kara gasped, and Lena hated the panic and fear that she could see in Kara’s suddenly stormy blue eyes.

“I’m here,” Mon-El told her as he sat down on the seat off to Kara’s right. Kara set the tablet on the table so that Lena and Alex could still see Kara and watch what was happening.

“We’re here too,” Alex and Lena both announced in unison. Lena felt her heart skip a beat as she watched Mon-El gently grasp Kara’s hand in his. It sent a lance of pain through her chest, knowing that she couldn’t be there to hold Kara’s hand, but Mon-El could. 

She hated it, but Lena was suddenly jealous as hell. And jealousy was such an ugly emotion. Lena didn’t like when it got the better of her.

“Will you guys say a quick prayer with me?” Kara asked them.

“Of course,” Alex replied, “Which one were you thinking?”

“Rao’s prayer,” Kara whispered.

“Okay,” Lena replied, happy to say that she knew it. Sure, she’d only seen the words once, but that was enough for her eidetic memory.

“Though we go forth alone, our soul unites us under Rao's gladsome rays,” Kara began, with the other three speaking the words along with her. “We are never lost, never afraid,” Kara continued, her voice weak and scratchy. “For we shrink not under the sun of righteousness,” Alex’s voice grew louder as Kara's tone decreased in volume. Alex could tell Kara was struggling, and wanted to make sure that Rao heard the words. Lena continued to follow along, stumbling over her words just a little bit. “Rao binds us to those we love. He gives us strength when we have none,” Lena’s voice was thick as she spoke the words, “And in the darkest places, He guides us.”

“For Rao sees all, feels all,” Kara was determined to get the words out, “His love eternal. Rao, protect us so that we might protect others. And we shall rise, a fire in His hearth, burning and free.” Kara let out a sigh of relief, when they finally finished. 

She offered Alex and Lena a faint smile, as she said a grateful, “Thank you,” to them.

“Of course, Darling,” Lena spoke, as if it was practically a given.

“So, we’re going to put in an I.V.,” Dr. Olivier told her as he sat down on Kara’s left. “We’re going to have to use a Kryptonite needle, so there’s going to be a bit of pain.”

“Okay,” Kara swallowed thickly over the sudden lump in her throat.

“The good news is, once we start the infusion, we should be able to give you some pain medications and have them be effective,” he announced.

“The pain medications may put you to sleep, as they have a sedative effect,” Dr. Laurent Olivier warned her.

“Mon-El,” Kara quickly made eye contact with him. “You know what to do in the event of my-” 

Lena tried not to feel too much as Kara waved him closer so that she could whisper the rest of the words in Mon-El’s ear. But judging by the expression of surprise on Mon-El's face, Lena isn’t sure she would have liked the words Kara said. 

“Of course,” Mon-El promises. “I assume the details and instructions are in the fortress?”

Kal-El looked distraught, as he watched on, and Lena knew it was because Superman had heard Kara’s request.

“Yes,” Kara nodded, “Can I trust you to make sure it’s done properly?”

Then, she seemed to realize what Kara was asking Mon-El about. She was asking him about arrangements - funeral rites and arrangements. Lena felt her stomach bottom out, and her throat grow impossibly tight as her mind quickly filled in the blanks. 

“Of course,” Mon-El promised her. “I promise I will take care of it, Kara.”

“I’ll help too,” Kal-El promised. “If the worst should happen, we will make sure you have an honorable send off.  - One befitting of Earth’s greatest hero, and Krypton’s most cherished daughters.” 

“Thank you,” Kara breathed.

And Lena wants to scream. She wants to scream, “You’re not going to die today." But she can’t. Because she doesn’t know that for sure. And it kills Lena, silently. It rips her heart apart into a thousand pieces. It’s just…. She feels so utterly helpless. She can’t even hold Kara.

Lena could tell that Kal-El felt the same way, because he added, “But it’s not going to come to that. I have faith.” Lena was suddenly grateful to him, for his belief, because it put her heart at ease. The simple knowledge that she wasn’t alone in her grief, helped her immeasurably.

“Alright,” Laurent spoke, “I’m gonna take the needle out of the lead lined box now, okay? So you’re going to feel the uncomfortable effects of Kryptonite exposure.” There was a sharp intake of breath as the Doctor opened the box, and Kara instantly felt the energy sapped out of her body. She could feel the faint burning of the substance on her skin, and in her nerve endings. 

Lena was frozen in place, as she watched tendrils of green creep across Kara’s pale skin. It gave Kara’s usually healthy skin, a horrible eerie glow. It stood out even more against Kara’s already pale, sickly skin.

“I’m here,” Mon-El spoke aloud. “Look at me, Kara,” he implored her. It was too gentle to be an order, but it might as well have been one. Mon-El gently turned Kara’s head towards him.

“Hey, just focus on me,” Mon-El encouraged her, “and squeeze my hand. It’s okay.” 

Kara did just that. Lena could see the muscles in Kara’s forearm flex as she squeezed Mon-El’s hand with all her might. 

Lena felt her own body tense, as she watched the catheter in the Doctor’s hand. He was prodding around Kara’s arm with his finger, trying to find a good vein. He seemed to find one he liked, because he wiped it with an alcohol prep, and continued to prod at the same spot with his gloved finger.

“Okay. You’re going to feel a little pinch on three-,” Doctor Olivier started, but Kara quickly interjected.

“Please don’t warn me,” Kara suddenly pleaded with him, “I really don’t like needles, so I would prefer it if I don’t know when you’re going to poke me. Please just go ahead when you’re ready.”

“Understood, Ms. Zor-El,” Laurent confirmed. 

Lena can’t blame Kara for not wanting to know when it’s coming, especially when she sees the large bore of the I.V. It looks like it could easily be a 16-gauge or 18-gauge needle.

Mon-El began to hum a Kryptonian song to Kara in order to distract her. And it worked. Before Kara knew it, the catheter was in. Alex scrutinized the Doctor’s work, as he hit the release and the needle retracted into the protective casing. He put it back into the Lead-lined box. There was still a slight faint green glow in the room, as the personnel attempted to keep Kara’s body from pushing out the small catheter in her arm. Dr. Olivier secured the extension set tubing and taped it down on Kara’s arm, securing it in place.

“This is just to flush it,” Laurent Olivier told Kara as he quickly screwed a flush into the extension set, and injected some sterile saline into the catheter.

“Alright,” Dr. Olivier smiled, seemingly pleased with how well the line functioned, “Excellent. We have ourselves a nice line to work with.” 

Lena let out a tremulous breath, as she saw Kara relax a bit. Kara was still staring at Mon-El’s face, as he whispered comforting words to her under his breath. Lena was all too aware that they were in Kryptahniuo. Fortunately, Lena was able to pick up on some of them. She’d spent some time over the last six months, trying to learn the language. Lena didn’t ever want what had happened that night to happen again. If Kara ever spoke Kryptahniuo to Lena again, Lena wanted to be able to understand her. Not only that, but Lena wanted to be able to speak it back.

“Are you ready with the infusion, Vin?” Dr. Olivier asked one of the nurses in the room.

“Yes,” She announced, as she hung up a small I.V. bag up on the I.V. pole above the bed. “You’re going to want to run the pain medication concurrently. Dr. Richards thinks it might be best to put her out beforehand, as the Kryptonite infusion will be quite painful.”

“Okay,” Laurent nodded, “Are we getting a clear reading on the Heart monitor? I want her closely monitored throughout it all.”

“Yes, Sir,” Vin told him. “Daniel is closely monitoring all of her vitals. If anything changes he will let us know, immediately.”

“Good, Good,” Laurent nodded, “Well, then I think we’re ready to continue.”

“Okay,” Kara nodded. “But before you do that, I just… There’s something I need to say.” Then Kara did the unexpected, and met Lena and Alex’s eyes on the screen. “I love you guys. I love you so much that I’m not sure words could adequately express how much I feel for you.”

“We love you too,” Alex told her in a thick voice. “We love you so much , Kara.”

“Thank you for making me feel at home,” Kara told them. “I’ve always felt at home with you, and I want you to know that….no matter what happens, I’m eternally grateful for the love and the sense of belonging that you’ve given me. I’m so lucky that Rao blessed me with such a wonderful family.” 

“Of course, Darling,” Lena was too far gone to really be able to say what she wanted to say. “The same goes for you, you know?”

“Yeah,” Kara replied lamely. “But most importantly? I want you guys to know that I have no regrets. If I was given the choice, I would have done everything the same exact way. Because it… It kept you guys safe.”

'But what about you?' Lena wanted to cry out. But she knew. As much as she watched Kara to be sorry for what she’d done, the hero couldn’t be. 

“Kara,” Dr. Olivier met Kara’s eyes quickly, “I’m going to inject something through your I.V. that is going to put you to sleep. Please don’t try to fight it, okay? Just let it take you off to sleep.”

Then, Kara turned to the Doctor and gave him a nod. Lena watched helplessly, as he injected the medicine into Kara’s I.V.

“I’m here,” Mon-El reminded her as he pressed a gentle lingering kiss to Kara’s forehead. “And I promise I’ll be with you the whole time. You just rest now okay?”

One of the other Doctor’s in the room pressed a mask over Kara’s airways, and held it there.

“Now I want you to take some deep breaths in and count backwards from ten for me, okay?” Dr. Hammond requested of Kara.

“Ten,” Kara took a deep breath in, and Lena watched as her chest expanded outwards for a moment, and then dropped as she let the breath out. Kara continued to count slowly, “Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Fo-” The word sharply cut off as Kara surrendered to the heavy feeling weighing on her eyelids, and let the darkness take her away.

“And, she’s out,” he announced, “We’re good to start the infusion.”

When he pulled away the mask, one of the nurses quickly inserted an I-Gel into her airway, and properly secured it in place. Dr. Hammond hooked the airway up to the respirator machine, and the machine started to breathe for Kara.

Without her even realizing it, Lena’s hands had balled themselves into tight fists as she watched Dr. Olivier hook up Kara’s I.V. to the Kryptonite infusion. Her chest felt tight in discomfort, as she watched the motions of the Doctor in the room. Her fists were curled so tightly in her anguish, that her fingernails dug into the flesh of her palms, leaving crescent shaped impressions in the skin there that drew blood. 

She honestly thought that she’d prepared for this moment, but as she watched him fiddle with the long line in his hand, she realized that she wasn’t ready. Lena’s breaths came heavy and fast in her lungs, as she tried to remember how to breathe. The room was suddenly too hot, and sweat pooled on Lena’s forehead, as her hands started to tingle and shake. 

Please don’t hurt her. She pleaded over and over again in her mind.

Lena wanted desperately to protect Kara from what came next. But she was powerless to do anything.

He unclamped the line, and Lena watched in absolute trepidation as the yellowish substance dripped from the bag, and into the drop chamber, before making its way slowly down the tubing. She couldn’t breathe as she watched it grow closer and closer to the cannula on Kara’s hand. 

The line with the liquified Gold-Kryponite was fed into another line with normal saline, so that it could be diluted as it ran into Kara’s body. And it was. It was diluted by the normal saline running alongside it, but the effect was almost immediate.

As soon as the first drop made its way into Kara’s body, it was like a switch had been thrown. 

Lena felt her own body stiffen in horror as she watched Kara’s back instantly bow off of the table, and the superhero let out a drawn out, agonized, and muffled scream, as the substance worked its way into her bloodstream. Kara’s body started to seize as her body fought the foreign substance in her blood.

“That’s not good,” Dr. Carter breathed as he rushed over, “She’s still in pain. We have to drastically up the pain meds.” Somehow, pain didn’t even describe the sort of discomfort Kara was in. Judging by her reaction, Kara was in nothing short of agony.

“We’ll up the Midazolam. Sure, she might be in pain, but at least with the Versed at least she won’t remember the experience,” Dr. Hammond argued. 

“God, this is awful,” Dr. Carter breathed as he quickly injected another dose of medication into Kara’s I.V.

Meanwhile, Mon-El was trying to comfort Kara and hold her down on the bed at the same time.

“Shhh…..” His voice was desperate as he breathed into Kara’s ear, “Shh, I know…. I know it hurts. But I’m here. It’s okay, Kara. It’s okay .” But Lena could hear how broken his words were, and could see how absolutely shattered he looked.

Kara’s muffled screams were unbearable to listen to, and it pulled at Lena’s heart in the worst way. Lena had to turn away from the screen, as Kara continued to thrash on the bed. When she looked back at the screen, in order to see a handful of healthcare personnel restraining Kara to the bed, she knew she couldn’t watch any longer and bolted from the room as her stomach churned in fury. 

I can’t. I’m so sorry, Kara, but I can’t watch this. I can’t bear to see you in this much pain.

Please, forgive me.

She only made it out of the door, and halfway down the hall before she couldn’t hold it in anymore. She vomited violently into the nearest trash can, and let out an agonized bellow of her own, as she struggled with all of the anguish she’d experienced inside of the room. This was where Winn found her minutes later. She was hunched over the lip of the trash can. Tears fell from her face, as her stomach revolted over and over again. She didn’t know if it was the sight of Kara in distress, or the turning of her stomach that upset her more. But she felt utterly destroyed now. 

“Oh, Lena,” Winn’s voice was soft as he approached. She felt the skin on the back of her neck, and her face heat up in the thick of her embarrassment, at having been caught in such a position. But Winn didn’t seem to care in the slightest. He rubbed her back, and offered Lena some water, which Lena gratefully accepted. He watched as she took a pull from the water bottle, and swished the water around her mouth for a bit, before she spit the liquid out into the trash can. She then took another long pull from the water bottle, before swallowing the liquid. She hoped that it would sooth the caustic burning left in her throat.

“Gosh, I feel gross,” Lena announced to him.

“Hang on,” Winn told her, “I’ll be right back.” She watched rather helplessly as she rushed off. But within a minute or so, he was back.

“Here,” he offered her in a hushed tone, as he held out a damp washcloth for her, “It’ll be hell on your make-up, but at least it’ll help you feel a bit better.

“Thank you, Winn,” Lena breathed gratefully, as she accepted the towel. “Whatever would I do without you?” Lena wondered, as she lowered herself to the floor. She slid down the wall, feeling the stone scrape against her back as she did so. Finally, she settled on the smooth flooring. 

Lena then carefully removed her glasses, and set about wiping her face off with the cloth. She finished by giving the lower half of her face a good scrub. After she was done she set the washcloth on the floor next to her, and slid her glasses back onto her face.

“Lucky for you, you’ll never have to find out,” Winn told her as he settled down next to her and grasped her hand.

“I…. I couldn’t watch,” Lena shook her head. Her voice was rough as she silently warred with her emotions, “How pathetic is that? She’s the one going through what basically equates to torture, and I couldn’t watch, Winn.”

“Hey,” Winn’s voice was undeniably soft, “Most of us weren’t strong enough to watch. And you? I don’t think she would have wanted you to have to see her like that, anyway.”

“But someone should bear witness to her pain,” Lena whispered, “She’s enduring it all for us, and I couldn’t….I couldn’t even…”

“Hey, I know what you’re thinking,” Winn interrupted her. She seemed to be struggling for words. “But you haven’t failed her, Lena.”

“I just… hate that I couldn’t be there for her,” Lena swallowed, as she wiped away more tears, “Mon-El is there holding her, and I’m stuck here . It’s not fair.”

“I know,” he admitted, as he pulled her into a side hug, “But it will all be over soon.”

They both looked up as they heard footsteps rapidly approaching. Their eyes quickly found Alex and Sam approaching them hand in hand. Lena felt some comfort in the fact that Alex looked equally as destroyed as she felt. Fortunately, the elder Danvers sister had Sam there to comfort her.

“It’s done,” Alex announced with a haunted look in her eyes. “Dr. Carter assures me that no matter how bad it looked, that Kara won’t remember any of it, but…”

“Yeah,” Lena breathed, “I know what you mean. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be able to forget the sound of her screams.”

“So what happens now?” Winn asked.

“We wait,” Sam answered in a matter of fact tone. “While she’s already out, they’re going to install the shunt for Dialysis. But it could be a day or two until they’re ready to proceed with the next phase of treatment.”

“So what…” Lena began hollowly, her usually bright green eyes looking incredibly dim, “We’re just supposed to go back to our lives for the next couple of days, and pretend she’s not still stuck in that room, suffering and in pain?”

“Lena,” Alex sighed. It looked as if she fully understood Lena’s turmoil, but was afraid to say.

“I’m being serious,” Lena’s voice was suddenly sharp, “I… I don’t know what to do. Logic says I should go back to L-Corp - that I should try and get some work done. But there’s no way I could ever focus on anything else but her right now.” Lena shook her head, “But being here? Just waiting for the other shoe to drop? I don’t think I can do that either.”

“You’re angry,” Alex observed.

“Of course I’m angry!” Lena snapped, “I just watched something I never wanted to see - saw Kara suffer in a way I never wanted to!” Then. “And what’s worse is that I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t comfort her! No, Mon-El had to do it for me!”

“Hey,” Alex’s voice was soft as she knelt down in front of Lena, and grabbed hold of Lena’s trembling hands.

“I couldn’t be there,” Lena lamented as tears built in her jade green eyes.

“But you are,” Alex whispered in soft puffs of air. “You were there when we talked with her before, and you’re there with her now.”

“What are you talking about?” Lena asked. “Because I’m pretty sure-”

“She’s been seeing you,” Alex revealed quietly. “J’onn told me that she’s been seeing you for weeks.”

“Alex, what in the world are you talking about?” Lena questioned. “Because I haven’t been anywhere close to-”

“I know. I know! I’m not talking about you specifically, but rather, I’m talking about… a specter - someone that looks like you,” Alex replied. “It’s hard to know what to call them, because we’re not exactly sure what they are. And we don’t know when they started exactly, but we do know that when she started getting really sick with the radiation sickness, she started seeing you . At first, J’onn thought that it was merely a hallucination. But now he’s convinced it’s something different entirely. Kara sort of told J’onn that you’re….her guardian angel. You’ve been comforting her.”

“What?” Lena’s voice cracked, “But, how?”

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted with a shake of her head. “It could be anything, really. It could have a plausible physical explanation, like something as simple as a brain tumor? Or it could be something far more complicated that we’ll never quite understand. It’s weird, but it seems like there’s a sort of connection that exists between the two of you - something beyond understanding.”

“What kind of connection are we talking about?” Lena pressed. “Are you saying we’re Soulmates? Or are we talking about something else - something like Quantum Entanglement?”

“I don’t know what to call it,” Alex replied honestly, “All I know is that there’s something strange going on, and I think that the connection is manifesting itself in this way.”

“It could be a form of magic,” Winn chimed in.

“Magic?” Lena immediately felt the hairs on her arms stand on end. She even thought for a moment that she felt a bit of a prickle on the back of her neck, but she was scared to acknowledge what that might be.

“Yeah,” Winn responded. “Well, I mean, contrary to popular belief, magic exists.” 

Lena couldn’t help the scoff that escaped her lips.

“Magic doesn’t exist,” Lena spoke with a roll of her eyes.

“What… you don’t believe in magic?” Alex asked her with a peculiar look in her eyes.

“I believe in science ,” Lena replied. “The fact is, I don’t need to believe in anything else .”

“I’m just saying,” Winn cut back in, “That maybe Mxy decided to get involved. He seems to really care about Kara, and so maybe he decided to intervene, somehow.”

“I’m sorry,” Lena said in ignorance, “Who is Mxy?”

“Mxyzp-” Winn replied, but Alex cut him off before he could finish the name.

"Don't say his name!" Alex shouted as she clapped a hand over Winn's mouth. "We don't want him showing up here, do we?"

"Righto," Winn looked appropriately chastised. “He’s a Fifth Dimensional magical being,” Winn continued, speaking as if it were common knowledge.

“A Fifth dimensional what now?” Lena gasped in disbelief.

“An imp… He's an imp,” Alex shrugged. "But It's not important."

“It doesn’t sound like it’s nothing,” Lena argued. Alex sighed, admitting defeat. She realized she was going to have to explain it all to Lena.

“So... Mxy. Mr. Zptlk is a magical being who fell in love with Kara, and tried to get her to marry him while she was with Mon-El,” Alex revealed, “It turned out to be this whole ordeal. He was a bit of a nuisance. However, I’m pretty sure he went back to where he came from, and hasn’t intervened in her life since.”

“Hold on. You’re saying that there’s a magical being from another dimension that fell in love with Kara?” Lena repeated in disbelief. “And not only that, but he tried to get her to marry him?” Lena repeated slowly. “That’s preposterous.”

“Yeah,” Alex confirmed, “Apparently he made a habit watching her from afar, and he fell in love with her. He was trying to force her into a marriage with him. She had to trick him into going away, by getting him to say his name backwards.”

“Wow,” Sam laughed, with a bright look in her eyes, “Man, this stuff is hilarious. You really can’t make this shit up.”

“I know,” Winn agreed, with a laugh of his own. “Then again, in the last few years, we’ve dealt with a lot of stuff people would never believe unless faced with the proof of it.” 

“I’m just curious,” Sam began, introspectively, “Am I the only one outside of Kara’s immediate family, who hasn’t fallen in love with her.”

“Hey!” Both Winn and Lena loudly protested at the exact same time.

“O-kay,” Alex dragged out the word uncomfortably, “An-y-way. So getting back to what we were talking about before. I don’t know what the connection between you is, only that there is one.”

“Would she know the difference?” Lena finally asked the question she’d been wanting to ask ever since Alex told her the truth, “Would she know the difference between this Specter, and me, if we were ever in the same room together?”

“According to J’onn, Kara has told him that she knows that the other you is not real,” Alex revealed, “So yes, I dare say she would easily be able to tell the difference between the two of you. And honestly, if you were present, I don’t think there would be a need for this other version of you to exist at all. It might just go away.”

“So it’s just there as a form of comfort?” Lena was still trying to wrap her head around everything she was being told.

“I think so, yes,” Alex nodded. “J’onn says it’s been keeping her sane, even though the concept of experiencing a hallucination is by its very nature the definition of going insane.”

“So, by telling me all of this,” Lena began, “Were you trying to make me feel better? Or worse? Because I’m not sure how I feel about it all, if I’m being honest.”

“Well,” Alex cleared her throat, “I was trying to make you feel better. Because even though you aren’t there in the room with her, you also kind of are? And if J’onn is to be believed, you’ve also offered her immeasurable comfort.”

“This is so weird,” Lena groaned as she reached up to rub her temples, “I’m pretty sure my head is spinning.”

“So…” Sam began, “I’m just curious. Have you felt anything on your end?”

Lena felt her stomach drop, as she was hit with the memory of Kara on her couch.

“Yes,” Lena swallowed over the sudden lump in her throat. She fiddled with the sleeve of her top as she looked down. “I… I’ve been having these dreams. Most of them have felt pretty mundane, but some of the others have been much more intense.”

“Oh, yeah!” Alex seemed excited. “I mean…You just told me a few days ago that you’d had a really vivid dream of her. And now I can’t help but wonder if it’s connected. Like maybe dreams are her way of offering you comfort?” 

“Huh,” Lena breathed, as she realized that it might be true.

“Should we try to figure out what the connection might be?” Winn questioned.

“Well, we can look into some of the more likely physical causes,” Alex began, “As some of them can easily be tested for. Then, I would just start ruling things out, and see what possible explanations are left after that.”

“Yeah,” Lena nodded, “That sounds like a good plan.”

"Well," Alex cleared her throat. "I think Sam and I are going to go on a walk to clear our heads," Alex explained. "Do you want to come?"

Lena thought about it for a moment and then shook her head. "No..." Lena swallowed, "I think I'm going to head back to my room and try to sleep."

"Okay," Sam responded, "If you change your mind about wanting some company, you know how to reach us."

"I do," Lena confirmed with a grateful smile. "You guys have a good walk. I'll see you later."

S~S~S~S~S~S~S~S~S~S

Instead of going to her room like she had originally anticipated, Lena headed up to a common area in order to wait with all of the others for some sort of news regarding the procedure to install the shunt. She didn’t trust herself to be alone at the moment, and so she sat at a rather isolated table in the corner, flipping absentmindedly through one magazine after another as she watched the hands of the clock move millimeter by millimeter around the circle.

She lost all perception of time and how much of it had passed, as she became too distracted by her own feelings. She looked up to see one of the other officers from the DEO nursing a Styrofoam cup as he sat chatting with one of the other employees from the facility. It was then that she noticed the rich smell of coffee wafting through the air around her. The smell was as enticing to her, as it was nauseating.  Lena’s stomach rumbled loudly, reminding her she hadn’t eaten in a long time now. But Lena couldn’t even contemplate the notion of food at this point. Her stomach was seemingly twisted into countless knots, and was constantly churning in unrest. Her whole body seemed to be operating under extreme levels of stress, which left it in clear duress. Her head pounded relentlessly, and her hands went through fits where they started to shake and Lena couldn’t seem to do anything to steady them.

She let out a sigh, reaching up to rub at the aching hollow of her stomach. She felt countless pairs of eyes on her, and knew that those around her were likely analyzing her movements. It was clear they were still worried she was going to break. She knew she must look a sight. 

"Hey," the hushed voice was enough to startle her, and nearly send her out of her seat. Lena gasped in a sharp breath, before she could settle her suddenly racing pulse. Lena looked over as she felt a gentle touch to her shoulder, and could instantly see the look of remorse on Barry's face, as he said, "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, It's okay," Lena sighed, as she grabbed hold of the edge of the table, in order to settle herself. "I'm already so on edge with everything that's been going on that It wouldn't have taken much to scare me."

"Speaking of..." Barry said, as he lowered himself down into a seat across the table, "I just wanted to pop over and make sure you were doing okay."

"I'm fine," Lena replied, with a slight edge to her voice, "Or rather, I'm trying to be."

"No one would blame you for being less than okay," Barry told her.

"Ugh, I just feel like I need to be strong for her," Lena breathed as she wrung her hands on the table, "But after seeing what she went through, I-" Lena's voice cut off sharply as she struggled with her emotions. "Gosh, Barry, it was so awful."

"I know," he nodded, "I saw it, too. But I have to believe that she wouldn't want you to internalize all that pain. You need to set it free."

"H-how am I supposed do that?" Lena asked. 

"By believing that things will all get better from here," Barry said, as he reached over and stilled her nervous hands. 

"It's just... I feel so guilty in playing my part - in asking that she give up her powers like that," Lena admitted.

"From the sound of it, it was something she agreed to do without any argument," Barry argued, "Because she knew what needed to be done."

"Still, I-" Lena went to argue, but Barry held up a hand.

"Don't assume responsibility for something that isn't your fault, Lena," Barry told her. "Lord knows we have enough stuff to deal with, without adding all of that into the mix." 

Lena nodded, before grudgingly admitting, "You're right."

"You should get some rest, Lena," Barry recommended.

"I know," Lena acknowledged he was right, yet again, "I just don't know how I could ever sleep, when - when Kara's life is still hanging in the balance like this. I... I thought once I laid eyes on her again, everything would be easier. But now? Now I feel more unsettled than ever. It's like she's so close, but still so far out of my reach. And I feel so helpless, Barry."

"I think I understand," Barry said in an earnest voice.

"You do?" Lena challenged.

"I mean," Barry cleared his throat uneasily, "I may not be able to relate to everything you're feeling, exactly. But I do know what it's like to be in love with someone."

"Whoa. Hold on! Who said anything about being in love?" Lena shot back, with a flash of her heterochromatic green eyes, and an arch of her manicured brows.

"Lena," All it took was her name, accompanied by a stern look, and Lena felt appropriately chided by him. I mean, who was she trying to fool anyway? She was pretty sure everyone but Kara knew that Lena was in love with her. It was a little sad, really.

"I've been where you are, you know," Barry nearly whispered, "Not knowing whether I would be able to save Iris. And it is...nothing short of agonizing. I remember feeling hopeless, so hopeless, but ultimately you have to find a way to hold onto hope. Because hope is one of those things that is just so powerful. And ultimately, nothing...nothing can take it away from you. Hope cannot be bested by any other emotion."

"Then how do so many people lose hope, then?" Lena questioned.

"We give it up," Barry admitted, "We give it up on our own, because we let ourselves get lost along the way."

"Hope has always been Kara's thing," Lena said as she met Barry's soft sympathetic gaze. "I don't know if I'm even capable of carrying that torch," Lena uttered as she tore her gaze away from his again.

"I think you are," Barry argued passionately. "You forget. I've gotten to know you fairly well over the last several months. And I've seen that you are far more capable than you give yourself credit for. You think you're somehow disqualified from carrying the torch, because of the family you grew up in - but you're not. You're such a beacon of light to so many people in this difficult time. The world was nearly destroyed, but you have worked so hard to build it back better than ever. You're a perfect example of what humanity is capable of, when they strive for positive change."

"I'm just not sure that I..." Lena began, but Barry didn't quite let her finish.

"What if you did it on her behalf?" Barry suggested. "What if you hold onto to hope for Kara, because she might not be able to do it and it's important to her." When Lena met Barry's eyes again, she found he didn't flinch away. Lena suddenly felt seen in a way she wasn't expecting.

"I suppose," Lena agreed softly and quietly, "I suppose I could try."

"I think that's all any of us can do," Barry said with a squeeze of Lena's hand. "Just try."

"Speaking of trying," Lena said, before exhaling quietly. "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep," she finished as she pushed back her chair, and stood up in one fluid motion.

"I think that sounds like an excellent idea," Barry agreed with a friendly smile. "Have a good rest."

"Thanks, Barry," Lena said gratefully, with one more parting squeeze of his hand.

"Any time, Lena, " he reciprocated. "I'm here, okay? To be a friend anytime you should need one."

"You have no idea how much that means to me," Lena told him in a thick voice.

"You deserve good things," he assured her. "Kara cares about you, and we all do too."

"Thank you," Lena whispered as she pulled him into a crushing hug, which he happily returned.

Lena headed back to the sparse accommodations she’d been granted upon her arrival. She opened the door, with an old keycard, and stepped through the door. She then walked into the dark. Lena shut the door behind her with a click, and kicked off her shoes. She moved through the room in a sort of autopilot and lowered herself onto the edge of the bed. She was too tired to even consider undressing, and so she just lowered herself onto the mattress, and curled up over the covers. She let herself relax into the pillows, and closed her eyes.

The next thing she knew, Lena found herself in an unfamiliar hallway, with people bustling around her. None of them seemed to see her, as they circled around her in a strange sort of orbit. Lena looked to the walls, for some answers as to where she was, but they were unhelpful. All of the signs were written in a language she didn’t know. So Lena meandered down the long hallway, as she struggled to make sense of her surroundings. 

There was a faint glow in front of her - a sort of line leading off into the distant darkness in front of her, but Lena didn’t quite know what to make of it. After some weighted contemplation, she decided to head off in the direction of this glow. She wanted to try and find what was on the other end of it.

The hallway she was in was long, and dimly lit. At several points, she got a bit discouraged and almost turned around. But then there was this nagging feeling inside of her, urging her to press on. Her footsteps echoed hauntingly on the cracked tile floors as she proceeded down the hallway. Lena continued to take levied breaths as she continued on. She was doing her best to suppress her nerves.

The long hallway ended in two large steel double doors. And as if sensing her presence, the doors parted and opened before her. Lena suddenly found herself in a large room, with another smaller room at the center of it. The room in the center was made of glass. The glass wasn’t entirely opaque, but wasn’t clear enough to see through, either. Lena moved closer. It was blurred and obscured, but Lena could tell that there were figures moving about behind the glass. Lena cautiously moved closer. She was curious, but aware that she could be putting herself in danger. Slowly, Lena crept closer to what seemed to be the entrance. The door into the antechamber opened, and Lena hesitated before stepping inside. There was a whoosh of air, and Lena’s hair billowed for a moment, as the air moved around her. Then, the door in front of her opened, and Lena gasped. Because in front of her was something she could never have expected. It was Kara.

At that moment, Lena couldn’t seem to move quickly enough as she frantically burst into the room.

She could see Mon-El sleeping hunched over next to Kara, with his head pressed into his arms. His arms were braced on the mattress next to Kara’s thigh.

Kara was covered in pristine, bleached white blankets. The arm with the I.V. was haphazardly thrown over Kara’s stomach. Kara's other arm was wrapped in thick bandaging, and Lena knew that must be where they installed the Dialysis Port.

Lena greedily took in every detail of Kara’s body, before quickly moving forwards. In this state, Lena knew that she had nothing to fear. She couldn’t be hurt in this form, whatever it was.

“Kara,” Lena breathed as she carefully moved the tray out of the way and lowered herself down onto the stool on Kara’s other side. She and Mon-El were bracketing Kara on either side now. Lena hesitated briefly for a moment, before gathering enough courage to reach out and touch the figure before her. Kara’s hand felt like ice beneath her own, as Lena’s fingers slid over the skin. “Darling,” Lena’s voice was thick as she spoke, “Hey, Darling, I’m here.” Lena carefully enveloped Kara's hand between hers as she tried to warm the flesh.

Lena watched as Kara’s nose wrinkled adorably. She watched Kara’s breathing change, as her thumb swept back and forth over the knuckles of Kara’s hand. Kara made a quiet noise in her throat, as she continued to stir. Kara wriggled ever so slightly in the bed as she stirred. Her head turned to the side, and then back over to the other side, before righting itself once more.

“I’m so sorry,” Lena apologized, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” Her throat burned with emotion, as she felt the anguish all over again.

Lena felt her own breath catch as Kara’s eyelids fluttered open. For a moment, Kara's eyes were glassy and unfocused.

"Kara?" Lena's voice was rough with emotion.

Kara's eyes seemed to dart around the room for a few moments, before she quickly honed in on Lena's location. Even in a daze, It was crazy how quickly Kara seemed to hone in on Lena’s location.

“Lena?” Kara rasped, before licking her dry, chapped lips.

“Yeah,” Lena’s voice broke, “Yeah, it’s me. I’m right here, Darling.” Lena stood up so that she could better position herself in Kara’s line of sight.

"Oh," the hitch of Kara's breath as she met Lena's eyes was so beautiful, it took Lena's breath away. "You're... You're here."

"Mmhmm," Lena hummed softly, as she gave Kara's hand a gentle squeeze, "I'm right here."

Lena quickly quickly let go of Kara's hand and adjusted the beanie on Kara’s head. Then, she leaned forwards and pressed a long, lingering kiss to Kara’s forehead. Kara hummed quietly in contentment, before closing her eyes again.

"Goodness, you're so beautiful," Lena exhaled in awe, as she focused on Kara's relaxed features. "Even like this," Lena whispered, before editing herself, "Especially like this."

"You can't mean that," Kara replied as her eyes fluttered open once more. "I know I look-"

"Like the most beautiful woman in the universe," Lena finished for her. "And I assure you, I mean those words with everything I am."

“Rao, I've missed you,” Kara’s voice had a breathy, weak quality to it that betrayed Kara’s exhaustion.

“I know,” Lena whispered as she sat down on the edge of the bed. Lena then reached out to brush her hand tenderly against Kara's cheek. “I’ve missed you, too.” Then, “I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry I wasn’t here before.”

“It’s okay,” Kara breathed as she reached out and gave Lena’s other hand a squeeze. “You’re here now.”

“I am,” Lena confirmed. Then, Lena continued, "And normally I'd say that I'm not going anywhere, but the truth is...I'm not entirely sure how I got here in the first place. The last thing I knew... I was in my bed."

"We've always had a gift for finding one another," Kara replied.

"I supposed you're right about that," Lena smiled. "Maybe it's not so crazy to think there's something inexplicable going on."

Kara was groggy as she said, “I’m sorry. I promise that I’m listening, but I'm just so tired.”

“Then go back to sleep,” Lena spoke in a tender voice, “I’ll be right here. I promise that I'll stay for as long as I can.” Kara just hummed and closed her eyes. And Lena? Lena hungrily drank in the sight of her. She swept her thumb back and forth over the knuckles of Kara’s hand, trying to memorize the way it felt to hold Kara's hand in hers.

She finally felt at peace as she watched Kara’s chest rise and fall in deep, even breaths.

If Kara could be at peace, then Lena could be too.

Chapter Text

Sometimes

When I lie awake at night

I think about how far

We made it

Hours later, Lena’s head dropped suddenly downwards towards her sternum, and Lena startled herself abruptly awake. She sucked in a sharp breath as she suddenly found herself fighting sleep with all the energy she had left in her body. She’d come scarily close to nodding off several times already, but she had promised Kara that she would stay for as long as she could. The truth was, she didn’t want to leave Kara. She'd do anything to stay with her for as long as humanly possible, even if it meant she suffered a little bit because of it.

Still, her fatigue was taking a heavy toll on her, and was making it increasingly difficult to keep her eyes open. Lena’s eyes were starting to hurt as she squinted against the harsh lights in the room. She had to let go of Kara’s hand momentarily, in order to rub a fist over her closed eyes as she tried to ease some of the soreness in them. For anyone looking in from the outside in, they would have noticed how haggard Lena looked. The sclera of her eyes appeared to be red, slightly swollen and irritated. Even the brilliance of her green irises couldn’t completely hide the rest.

For the longest time after Kara had fallen asleep, Lena had been determined to stay awake, wanting to take in every detail of the much treasured woman before her. Her eyes wanted to take in every curvature of Kara’s body, every perfect contour of Kara’s face. Lena warmed Kara’s hand between her own, following every line in Kara’s palm with her fingertips. She felt the smoothness over the skin on the back of Kara’s hand, and the small creases and bumps of Kara’s knuckles. Her eyes flitted anxiously over Kara’s face, as her beloved’s expressions changed incrementally in sleep. They were the miniature snapshots and small clues that told Lena of Kara’s emotional state and how the blonde was faring.

Lena let out a wearied sigh as she realized she couldn’t fight sleep for much longer.

Together

We were wild

I knew we would always be

Maybe it's all part of finding

Our heaven

Even if it breaks your heart

Even if it tears your world apart

Still you keep holding on

She pushed herself to her feet, and took a moment to try and stretch out the uncomfortable kinks and knots that had formed in her back, neck, and shoulders from sitting in a slumped over position for so long. 

She was about to try and wake up Kara, in order to tell her that she was leaving, when Kara started stirring all on her own. Kara’s head rolled back and forth on the pillow. One glance, and Lena could tell that Kara was in obvious distress. Kara’s breaths were shallow and rapid. Her eyes were moving rapidly beneath her eyelids. Lena could see the muscles of Kara’s hands and arms tighten, as Kara fought against an unseen foe. For a moment, Lena let things play out. But that was quickly tossed by the wayside, when Kara started making vulnerable little noises in the back of her throat. Those inarticulate whimpers quickly turned into a faint whining. In no time at all, Kara was verbally begging and pleading for "them" to stop. 

“Please ,” Kara’s voice was weak and low as it filled the air. “Don’t do this. Please stop it!” What “it” was that was happening, Lena didn’t know. But just like that, she felt her stomach bottom out, and her own heart skip a beat.

 “No-…Please… Please … Don’t hurt her ,” Kara’s voice was rough with emotion and anguish. She was reacting viscerally to whatever was in the dream. For a moment, Lena was frozen, but then she seemed to come back to herself and was leaning over to try and wake her. She carefully reached out to press her hands to Kara's upper arms, and felt the tightening of Kara's biceps beneath her hands.  

Lena gasped as she quickly realized that Kara was covered in sweat. The sheets were also damp with it. Kara's skin was hot, practically broiling under her hands, and she didn't understand how that could be so.  Lena was immediately unsettled. She hadn’t spaced out for long, but whatever dream Kara was stuck in the middle of, was a violent and emotional one that was quickly taking a toll on her body. She wasn’t just dreaming about it. Kara actually seemed to be living it, and Lena needed to get her out.

“Kara,” Lena’s voice was gentle but urgent as she tentatively shook her. “Hey, wake up! It’s just a dream, Darling. I think you’re having a nightmare.” Lena tried to reach Kara’s subconscious for several heart-wrenching moments. But for some reason she couldn’t seem to break through Kara’s dream state. “Kara,” Lena tried again, with her desperation growing each and every passing moment. Kara’s pulse waves started to race across the monitor in the room, filling the space with a series of loud, rapid beeps as it registered each one. “Come on, I need you to wake up. You’re having a nightmare, Darling.”

Then Lena tried something new. She squeezed Kara’s hand particularly hard in one of her own, and Kara shot upwards in bed, raking in a sharp choked off breath. Kara’s chest was heaving, as she hungrily sucked in as much air as she could get. 

Kara met Lena’s gaze and her reaction was immediate. 

“Lena?” Kara seemed confused, as if she’d completely forgotten Lena’s presence entirely.

“Easy,” Lena’s soothing voice was nothing short of tender as she said, “Easy, Darling. You’re okay. It’s going to be okay. You just had a bad dream.

The sob that suddenly tore through Kara’s throat elicited a pang of empathy in Lena’s heart. It was hard to see Kara so shaken up.

“It wasn’t real?” Kara asked, sounding nothing short of devastated. Her eyes were still a bit glazed over and glassy, while her face bore an expression that was one of confusion. Kara was seemingly unsure of what was real and what wasn’t.

“No,” Lena shook her head. “Whatever it was, it wasn’t real. This is.” Lena punctuated her words by squeezing Kara’s forearm as if to say, ‘Do you feel this? This is what is real.’

“It wasn’t real,” Kara repeated the words again, as if she was willing herself to believe it. Kara gasped out the words between heaving and hitching breaths. She was breathless in a way Lena was not used to seeing. Lena felt completely helpless as she watched Kara lift both hands to her face in embarrassment, as she started to suddenly cry.

Lena couldn’t bear to stand by and watch Kara self-destruct anymore. 

She knelt down in front of Kara, and slowly reached out for her, before lovingly pulling the blonde’s hands away from her face. She felt her heart clench painfully in her chest as she saw the tears spilling from Kara’s eyes. They were rolling down her face, weaving flexuous paths over the now red, slightly swollen, and puffy flesh. 

“Oh, my Darling,” Lena’s own voice cracked with emotion. There was nothing she hated more than seeing Kara sad or in pain. Lena squeezed Kara’s hands in her own, and then let them drop before reaching out to wipe away Kara’s tears with her fingertips. “It’s okay. I don’t know what the nightmare was about, but it’s going to be okay.”

Lena was ever so gentle as she let her hands brush each side of Kara’s face. Her thumbs swept the salty, sticky tears away from Kara’s warm, heated flesh with a patience and a gentleness that gave evidence to the depth of her love and affection for the woman in front of her. Kara’s eyes flickered open, holding Lena’s soft, electrifying gaze. She found herself getting lost in the woman in front of her. Lena’s green eyes were light; warm like the sun shining through the trees on a warm summer’s day. It made her feel safe and cared for, in a way she couldn’t describe.

However, Kara wasn’t the only one bewitched by the woman in front of her. Lena, too, was enraptured. Lena stared deeply into Kata’s eyes, completely transfixed by the ocean blue waters of color she found there. Lena’s thumbs swept softly over the shells of Kara’s ears.

“I’m sorry,” Kara told her in a broken voice.

“None of that now ,” Lena husked out in a soft, melancholic voice. She had to gather herself a bit before trying to offer Kara an understanding, loving smile. But when she was finally able to muster a smile, it was a beautiful one. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” Lena told her in a reassuring tone.

“It’s embarrassing,” Kara argued in a despondent voice, as she looked away with her cheeks suddenly aflame. She quickly pulled away, causing Lena’s hands to drop away from Kara’s face and into the space between them. There was a bitterness in Kara’s expression for a moment, before she managed to cover it up beneath a carefully controlled mask. But it was too late; Lena saw it all. Every feeling had been laid bare for Lena to see.

Kara scrubbed angrily at her cheeks, as she silently willed herself to get a grip. Kara didn’t mean to make Lena feel rejected, but at the same time, she hated needing Lena’s comfort and consolation. She was supposed to be strong. But all Kara ever felt nowadays was useless. She was weak, wretched, and always fighting despair. Kara hated herself for it. She finally gave voice to her feelings, knowing she could trust Lena with these feelings. After all, she was safe with Lena. She always had been. “Rao, imagine what people would say if they ever saw Supergirl crying like I am now. They’d think I was so pathetic.” Then Kara shook her head, “Gosh, how can you even look at me? I’m not worth-”

It was all Lena could do, not to let the scoff escape. “You are not pathetic,” Lena countered with an undeniable quaver in her voice. And Kara stiffened in surprise. It seemed clear to her then, as she took in Lena's expression that Lena was upset. Lena seemed angry at the mere idea that Kara could think such a thing of herself. “Kara, I need you to hear me when I say this. But you are not weak or pathetic, or any other adjective that you might try to muster up in that head of yours right now. What you are, is the strongest person that I know, and the most remarkable woman that I have ever met. I have always admired you for your resiliency, and that has not changed. Nor do I think that it ever will. You’re just going through a very difficult time right now. What you’ve been through, would be a test of anyone's character. And I fully believe that it would cause even the strongest of giants to crumble." Lena paused for a moment, then said in a sympathetic voice, "It’s causing you to feel a bit low. But you are not weak for acknowledging that it is affecting you. You're allowed to feel things, Kara, even if it is sadness.”

“Lena-” 

“And as for the crying?” Lena barreled on, undeterred by Kara’s attempts to interrupt her, “Everyone needs a good cry now and then. Even me, occasionally. You’re not weak for showing emotion. In fact, I’d say that you’ve earned a good cry after all you’ve been through lately. You… You've put yourself through hell for us, Kara.”

“It’s not as bad as you make it sound,” Kara whispered, her head jerking to the side as if she was about to shake her head.

“It is ,” Lena’s own voice was thick, as she said, “I asked you to hang on for as long as you could, while I tried to find a solution. And I knew things could get bad. But even so,  it was far, far worse than I could have ever imagined.” Lena swallowed over the sudden obstruction in her throat. “You were starving to death, Kara. I can’t even imagine how much pain you…”

“Please don’t think about it,” Kara’s voice was urgent as she carefully grasped Lena’s hand in her own, deliberately intertwining their fingers. “I don’t want you to have to think about it.”

“How can I not?” Lena murmured as she looked down at their hands and then back up to Kara’s earnest expression. “All of this is my-” fault . 

“Don’t even say it,” Kara warned, cutting off the last word before it could escape. “You know it’s not.”

“But it’s always going to feel like it is,” Lena admitted. “I mean… logically I know that it isn’t, but there’s also this little voice in my head that just won’t go away, and I can’t-”

“Lena,” Kara’s quiet but impassioned voice, was imploring, “Please, you have to stop blaming yourself for everything. You have to .” Then. “Don’t you realize? You’re the only reason I’m still here right now.” 

This time, Lena couldn’t stop the scoff. “Please . I haven’t done anything.”

“Whether you think you have, or not,” Kara argued, “I’m telling you, you have. Sure, J’onn has played an immense part in my being here now. The truth is, I would have given up after that first week if it wasn’t for him. But after that? It was my hope in you - and in what you were doing -  that carried me through. I meant what I said to you a lifetime ago. You are my greatest hope, Lena. You are the one who has single-handedly given me the strength to keep going, and I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn’t for you. You can try and take that away from yourself all you want… But I still get a say and I won’t let you.” Kara’s voice had a bit of an edge to it, as she finished, “You don’t get to try and take that truth away from me. Not when it’s written on my heart and is in my soul.” Lena was speechless as she took in Kara’s words. She honestly had no idea what to say. I mean…how on earth was one supposed to respond to something like that.

Lena felt the guilt gnaw at her insides as she watched more tears spill from Kara’s eyes. Her intentions had originally been to comfort Kara and make her feel better. But instead of making her feel better, Lena had only made Kara feel worse. She internally kicked herself. Goodness, how was she so bad at this?  

Tension built for a long moment between them, as Lena’s mouth opened and closed. Her jaw was working overtime as she struggled to come up with a response. But in the end, all she could really think to say was, “I’m sorry.” It seemed wholly inadequate given the circumstances, but it was an earnest response at the very least. “I never meant to try and detract from your feelings.” Lena suddenly felt very far away from Kara, and yearned for more closeness. “And I’m glad that I was able to bring you hope and comfort, even if I feel like I didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

“My love for you did that,” Kara whispered.

“Come here,” Lena pleaded softly. Kara sighed, as she leaned even further towards Lena, as if she too desired more of her touch. It was subconscious on Kara’s part, but Lena’s heart was warmed that Kara still desired her closeness in such a way - even after all of their time apart.

Kara let out a soft groan and closed her eyes in sheer exhaustion. Lena gingerly crawled onto the bed, and pulled Kara’s body against her own. Lena cradled the other woman against her, struggling to keep her breathing even as she wrapped Kara in an embrace. Tears built in Lena’s eyes, and she closed them tightly in order to prevent them from escaping. 

One thing was for sure, Kara wasn’t the only one feeling as if she was at the end of her rope. Lena felt emotionally exhausted, too.

“Oh,  I’ve missed your hugs,” Kara exhaled, letting out a long contented sigh as she buried her face into the space between Lena’s neck and left shoulder. And just that small puff of air, set off a chain reaction. Lena felt a shiver course through her body, moving from that spot on her neck all the way down to the tips of her toes. Lena hummed gently. There was no denying that she felt the same way.  

For the longest time in Lena’s life, she had been touch starved. Part of her remembers flinching and stiffening the first time that Kara had ever dared to pull her in for an embrace. Lena remembers not knowing what to do, remembers not knowing where to put her hands. She had no idea how much pressure to apply. Were hugs supposed to be tight, or gentle?  Kara had been the one to teach her how powerful simple acts of affection could be - the kind of comfort a simple hug could offer someone. She taught Lena that there was a bit of nuance when it came to giving hugs. The fact is, there was no right or wrong answer to all of the questions above. Hugs could be all of those things, depending on what emotions were being expressed. They could be tight, when all one wanted to do was hang on forever. They could be a gentle goodbye. They could be crushing when one’s feelings were desperate or when they were overcome.  

Now, Lena craved Kara’s hugs. She needed them like she needed air to breathe. Now Kara’s hugs were like a balm to Lena’s soul.

Lena hates to admit that she ever took Kara’s hugs for granted. But after having them ripped away from her for almost six months, she knows just how much she’d missed them too. Now, all Lena can do is swear to herself that she will never take Kara’s hugs for granted again.

“I’ve missed your hugs, too,” Lena admitted in a raspy feminine voice, as her throat burned with all of the other words that she couldn’t quite make herself say. “Don’t get me wrong. Alex’s hugs are pretty good, but they’re just not the same as yours.” 

“Mmm,” Kara hummed against her, and Lena found herself letting out a relaxed sigh of her own.

“Are you planning on letting go anytime soon?” Lena asked after they’d been hugging for a while. This earned her a beautiful tinkling laugh from Kara. 

“Nope,” Kara joked, as she pulled Lena in even tighter. “You’re stuck with me now.”

The heat radiating from Kara’s body was warm, and it honestly felt like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Lena hummed again, as she closed her eyes. She wasn’t going to lie, it felt really good being wrapped in Kara’s arms. She felt home.

“Sorry,” Kara flushed a pretty shade of pink, as she finally let go, wordlessly giving permission for Lena to retreat as well. 

“Are you going to be okay for a moment by yourself?” Lena asked softly as she brushed a couple of errant strands of Kara’s hair from her eyes, tucking them back beneath the beanie Kara was still wearing. The strands were dirty blonde in appearance due to their dampness, and had a bit of a gentle curl to them that Lena hadn’t expected. Lena filed that piece of information away. She always loved learning more about Kara.

“Yeah,” Kara’s voice was hoarse and deep. “Yeah, I think so. I’m really-”

“No, Nope! Don’t apologize,” Lena staved off Kara’s apologies as she lifted up a hand. “I don’t want to hear any more apologies from you, Darling. As I said before, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.” Then. “Okay?” She was aware Kara was suddenly silent.

“I’ll be right back. I’m just going to grab a damp washcloth to clean you up with,” Lena told her with a soft, affectionate look in her eyes. But there was a worry underneath it all, too.  Kara simply nodded, watching as Lena slowly scooted to the edge of the bed. Lena swallowed hard over the lump in her throat as she felt Kara’s hand trail down her arm, not wanting to separate from her.

Lena forced herself to stand. Then, she briskly walked across the room.

“It’s so hard having to rely on others to take care of me,” Kara breathed. The words were a meek confession.

“I imagine it is,” Lena responded, as she started walking across the room. “After all, it seems like you’ve always been the one to take care of everyone else. But how about you let me take care of you this one time, hmm? Let me pay you back for all of those times you took care of me when I was under the weather.” 

If something's worth saving

All of our hopes and fears

They may get tangled, but love's sincere

So we keep holding on

To something worth saving

Even if it breaks your heart

My hopes (my hopes)

They only align with yours

They're only as big as

We both aim to make them

For love

Lena’s movements were quick and somewhat frantic as she opened some drawers, in search of some towels. It took her multiple tries, before she was able to find the appropriate drawer. She tugged it open with a soft bang, and grabbed a clean washcloth and towel from its confines. She tossed the cotton towel over her shoulder, and ambled over to the sink with the washcloth in hand.

“You make it sound like I’m a Saint,” Kara said with a wry shake of her head. It was a hint of self-deprecation that Kara usually kept hidden away, “But I’m not one. It’s not even close. I only gave you the love you should have gotten growing up in the Luthor home. I… I just wanted to give you the love you’ve always deserved. You deserved to be treated so much better than you have been.”

“Kara-” Lena sighed. She regretted that all of their conversations seemed to be so contentious. But it was just a reality at the moment. They couldn’t seem to agree on anything. “You deserve that too. You know that, right? Not just now, but always. You deserved to be taken care of.”

“What are you trying to say?” Kara questioned, “Because I assure you. I have been. I’ve had a wonderful life here on Earth. The Danvers have been so good to me, in ways they were in no way obligated to be. I mean… they took me in and gave me the best life. And I’ll forever be grateful for all of the blessings I have been given.”

“But they also had you lock certain pieces of yourself away, didn’t they?” Lena said knowingly. It was phrased as a question, but Kara was all too aware that it wasn’t one. “Alex and I have talked a lot over the past several months, Kara. And, well, she told me how much they fought that part of you - how they tried to get you to hide those extraordinary parts of you during your first years here on Earth.” She paused for a moment, before she said, “It’s also pretty clear to me that they never really stopped doing that.”

“But they didn’t do that to hurt me,” Kara argued. Her brow furrowed a bit, as she took in Lena’s words and tried to digest them. The telltale crinkle between her brow was there when she continued, “They did it to protect me. Because they knew that Earth was dangerous for someone like me . And they were right. Cadmus exists to destroy people like me.”

“Sure, they did it to protect you,” Lena confirmed. “And maybe they thought they were doing the right thing. But…whether they meant to or not, they also hurt you . They tried to get you to suppress huge parts of who you are, Kara. They even made you feel guilty for choosing to put yourself out there as Supergirl. I know how painful it can be to want so badly to be accepted, but only find rejection instead. You deserved better than what you were given, too,” Lena argued.

“Well, I think Alex might argue with you about that,” Kara shot back. “Yes, Alex may have fought me on the Supergirl stuff in the beginning. But she was also quick to come around. She was always there to support me, and she helped me find my footing as a Superhero. And she, more than anyone, would know the cost of the decisions I made… Seeing as how she was always the one putting me back together after my fights,” Kara spoke out into the room. “I’m pretty sure she still hates that part of it all.”

She felt comfortable speaking a little more loudly, seeing as how all of the other medical personnel were currently gone from the room. It was just her and Lena now. 

Lena flinched as Kara’s words reached her. It was a reminder of the truth, that Kara had been hurt many times before - that the consequences that they were dealing with now, were not just a one-off.

“Well, I guess that’s something she and I can agree on, then. Because I really don’t like the notion of you ever being hurt,” Lena said in a somewhat tight and carefully controlled voice. “To think that it was really you that Sam almost-” Lena couldn’t even bring herself to finish that thought. But it was too late. Images quickly went flashing through Lena’s mind. They were mostly just still images, flashes of Kara at various points during her first fight with Reign, but they each did their own bit of damage to Lena’s emotional state. Now, all Lena could see in her mind’s eye was a picture of Kara lying in a pile of rubble, with blood pouring down her face. It was enough to rob the air straight out of Lena’s lungs.

“Lena,” Kara’s voice was suddenly soft and remorseful. The gentle softness of her voice moved down slightly from the first syllable of her name to the last one.

“Don’t ,” Lena breathed, forestalling Kara’s apology preemptively. “Please don’t say you’re sorry.”

“But I am ,” Kara said, before letting out a harsh breath. “I’m so sorry for all of it. I… I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did,” Lena finally admitted to her, “You hurt me in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. You know that, right?”

“I do,” Kara agreed. Her voice went a bit strained at the end, as she fought back the sudden feelings of sorrow. “I just want you to know. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by, that I haven’t regretted what I did. I don't expect that to ever change.”

If I had a thousand lives

I'd find you a thousand times

You know I'd come back again

Oh even if it breaks your heart

Even if it tears your world apart

Still you keep holding on

If something's worth saving

All of our hopes and fears

They may get tangled but love's sincere

So we keep holding on

To something worth saving

Even if it breaks your heart

“I understand that. But it’s just… ever since I found out the truth, it’s been really hard not to analyze every moment of our friendship. Your journals gave me valuable insight as to your motivations and feelings. But that? That doesn’t make it all okay. And, God…. There were so many times that you were hurt or in danger, and I didn’t even know it! Hell, you were in a coma after your fight with Reign. You basically had one foot over Death's threshold, and I had no idea!” Lena couldn’t help but sound a bit bitter. “Wasn’t I important enough to you that I deserved to know the truth? If what you wrote in the journals was true, then-”

“It was true,” Kara could no longer hold herself back, “It is true. I swear it. I just… Look, I know it sounds stupid, but I wanted to protect you from that part of my life. Especially because I know how hard it can be.”

“No. No, I have tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I cannot give you that,” Lena choked out angrily, her jaw clenching. She forced herself to take a deep steadying breath, before continuing. “You weren’t protecting me, Kara. Don’t you understand that? You were hurting me. You asked for something from me that you weren’t willing to give me, yourself. You forced your way inside of my walls. Those walls were my single means of protecting myself.” Lena paused for a moment, as she struggled with her emotions, “I told you. I told you over and over again how many times I’d been hurt in the past - how I’d been lied to by the people that I loved the most. I told you how I had been betrayed; and how it had destroyed me until there was barely anything left of me. And you? You swore to me that you would never hurt me. But all the while you were doing the very same thing that everyone else had done. You lied to me… over and over and over again, you lied. You claim to have given me your heart, but you kept me at a distance the entire time. You kept critical parts of yourself from me, when I gave you every piece of myself that I had left to give. Don’t you understand how that makes me feel? Your friends were deemed worthy - Winn, James, Brainy- Hell, so many others were given your identity, your truth. But I wasn’t? The woman who you supposedly claim to love like family?” And that was when Kara truly broke. Because she knew Lena was right. The sobs built from deep within her, as the guilt of knowing how badly she’d hurt Lena built and built and built. That feeling finally crested over her in an overwhelming wave that she could no longer hold back. Then the tears came in earnest. Gosh, Kara seemed to be doing quite a bit of crying today.

Lena turned on the cold water, stomping a little too vigorously on the foot pedal located near the floor. It was a weird set-up to get used to, but was common in most hospitals. It allowed doctors and nurses the ability to wash their hands without having to touch anything with their hands. The spigot spat at her a few times, before a continuous stream finally was sent through the pipes and it poured out into the sink. 

“You’re right,” Kara’s voice was quiet, but couldn’t have been any louder if she’d tried to shout it. Just the fact that Kara had spoken at all, was deafening. It stood out, even over the loud trickling of the faucet. ”You’re right, Lena, and I am so so sorry. You deserved to know. You deserved to know everything about me, once I decided I was in this with you. I should have told you, once I knew that I wanted you in my life in any serious capacity. You were always worthy .”

How good it could be

I knew it would be somehow

And now I know now that it is

Who could imagine

With all that's happened

The names, the fights, the insanely long nights

And I'm standing on top of the world

Yeah

And when the dust settles

You're standing right with me 'cause

Even if it breaks your heart

Even if it tears your world apart

Still you keep holding on

Lena closed her eyes, as she felt relief sweep through her body. It was a visceral reaction to finally hearing the words she’d needed to hear for so, so long. Lena dipped her fingers into the stream, and waited rather impatiently for the water to get cold. It took longer than she would have liked for it to get to the right temperature, but eventually she became satisfied with it and realized that it was probably as cold as it would ever get. 

“I know my excuses probably seem insulting to you. The truth is that you have every right to feel that way. But like I said that night…” Lena flinched again as she realized Kara was referring to the night of the last battle. She had to steel herself for Kara’s next words. “By the time I realized how badly I had messed everything up, it was too late to fix it. I couldn’t go back and change it. I wish I could, but I can’t. I…. I think if this proves anything, it’s…it’s that I was the one who was unworthy of anything. I…I was a coward . I was so scared that you would look at me differently, and I didn’t want to lose the one real thing in my life that I had. Heck, I was just so scared of losing you completely, and I couldn’t face it. I was so selfish, Lena, and I’m sorry for that. You deserved the truth. You always have. And I failed you in just about every possible way imaginable. You deserved to know that your best friend was the hero beneath the cape, and I kept that from you. I’m sorry.” Kara sniffled as she fought back fresh tears. 

“Was it harder for you to share that part of yourself with me, because of what you were taught when you first got here?” Lena questioned. “Did that fear factor into what happened between you and I, at all? Because I can’t help but wonder if that was a big part of it. At least in the beginning… And…I don’t know if it’s really fair of me to hold it all against you, if-.”

“I don’t know,” Kara replied truthfully. “Maybe it did, and maybe it didn’t. But even if it did play some part in my decision-making, I don’t feel comfortable with trying to make excuses. I’m ultimately responsible for what happened between us, Lena. I had a choice, and I got it all wrong .” Then. “But, please believe me when I say that I am so, so sorry.”

With a soft sigh, Lena pushed the cloth under the tap to wet it. As soon as it was saturated with cold water, Lena stepped off of the peddle and wrung out the washcloth in the sink. Slowly, with light footsteps, she walked back over to Kara and crouched down. Kara did her best to duck her head and look away, but Lena wasn’t about to let her. Kara scrubbed one hand angrily against one cheek while the other played with the loose threads of the blanket covering her lap.

If something's worth saving

All of our hopes and fears

They may get tangled but love's sincere

So we keep holding on

To something worth saving

Even if it breaks your heart

“Hey,” Lena’s voice was soft, as she reached out for Kara’s hand. “Hey, please look at me?” Kara shook her head, unwilling to look at her. She felt unworthy of being in Lena’s presence, after hearing all of the ways in which she’s hurt her.

“Why would you even want that?” Kara asked in a thick, roughened voice as she continued to cry, “It’s obvious that I don’t deserve-”

“No,” Lena cut her off, her brow furrowed as she warred with her own emotions of pain. “That’s not true, not at all.” Then, “Hey, please ,” Lena begged, ”I need you to be looking into my eyes when I say this. It’s important to me, okay?.” Kara finally looked up and saw Lena’s sea green eyes, which were also teeming with tears. “I love you,” Lena whispered pointedly and patiently, “I love you and I forgive you, Kara.” Lena felt her heart squeeze painfully as a fresh sob burst out of Kara at the words.

“Gosh, I’ll admit that I don’t think that either of us were fully prepared to have this conversation, but I’m also really glad that we've finally had it,” Lena continued. “This is something that I think is going to hurt for a long time to come,” Lena admitted in an earnest, soft voice, “but it’s a conversation that had to happen in order for the healing to start. Now the healing can start.”

“How on Earth can you possibly forgive me?” Kara questioned. 

“Because I can see that you’re genuinely remorseful, and I know that even the best of us can make mistakes,” Lena answered her with a soft and understanding look in her eyes. “Our reasoning can be flawed, even when it seems so resolute. Your case is no different.” Lena gave Kara’s hand another gentle squeeze with her own. 

“I love you so much,” Kara told her in a thick emotive voice that left little doubt as to her sincerity.

“I know ,” Lena smiled at her warmly, “I know you love me.”

“You do?” Kara sounded as if she were feeling unusually insecure, “I was so afraid that you’d-”

“You were willing to die for me that night, Kara,” Lena exhaled out loud, her gaze warm and expressive. There was a depth to her gaze that Kara was unprepared for. She was letting herself be seen in this moment, and it meant so much to Kara that was willing to be open. “For a long time, I was angry at you for that, too. But I get it now.”

Lena’s voice also had a hint of a teasing quality to it as she said, “And then, there’s also the way you used to look at me, which is just-” There was an undeniable look of affection on Lena’s face as she continued. “Wow… I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” Towards the end of her little speech, Kara could hear the beautiful Irish lilt in Lena’s words. Even if Kara had wanted to try and deny that Lena cared for her, she didn’t think she’d be able to now. Not after seeing the hopeful, but oh so fragile smile Lena gave her. 

And all Kara could think as she took in the crinkles at the corners of Lena’s eyes, and the dimples to either side of Lena’s mouth, was that Lena looked stunningly beautiful. She knew it was not the right time or place to be having these thoughts. But she’d never wanted to kiss Lena so badly, before. And believe me, Kara has wanted to kiss Lena many, many times. 

“Stop,” Kara laughed as she flushed a beautiful shade of pink, and closed her eyes. “Rao, how can you even bear to look at me right now? I’m a mess. I mean… I’ve been ugly crying for like the last fifteen minutes. My eyes and my cheeks are so puffy and swollen. Ugh, it’s probably making me look like a chipmunk.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Lena said with a dramatic roll of her eyes and a wry shake of her head. “You’re beautiful,” Lena told her in a soft, alto voice. “But if you’re that worried about how you look,” Lena challenged her with a fondness and lightness in her heterochromatic eyes, “How about you let me clean you up?”

Kara’s eyes fluttered open as the cool washcloth met her heated skin. She let out a soft moan at how good it felt, and Lena had to wrestle with herself as her stomach did a strange swoop inside of her midsection. She smiled weakly at Kara. Lena brushed the cloth tenderly over Kara’s forehead, cheeks, and neck. Before, she finally wiped Kara’s chin.

“Are you feeling any better now?” Lena asked softly. 

“A little,” Kara’s head bowed ever so slightly in embarrassment. Lena knew that Kara’s pride made it hard for her to ask for help. “But…” Kara sniffled again and turned her head away, as if she were trying to hide how she was feeling from Lena.

“Darling,” Lena’s voice was soft as she brushed her fingers across Kara’s cheek, and then settled her hand on Kara’s shoulder. Kara’s strong shoulders tensed under the touch, but then quickly relaxed 

“Hey, it’s okay. Whatever it is that's bothering you, you can tell me,” Lena spoke, after taking a soft steadying breath. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Please just tell me what I can do to make you feel better. I want to help, Kara,” Lena murmured, as she patiently scrutinized Kara’s expression. She felt her heart skip a beat as Kara watched her swallow. She could actually see how Kara’s eyes followed the action in real time, and it ignited something primal in Lena. 

For a fraction of a moment, she imagined Kara’s lips at her throat feeling the muscles contract beneath her lips. Hell, with how hard Kara made her heart beat, she’d probably be able to feel Lena’s fluttering pulse beneath her lips, too. 

Kara’s breath stuttered as she realized she was caught. When her eyes darted up to meet Lena’s, once again, she at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed. Not that Lena really minded. It was good to know that Kara hungered for her in that way, too.

“Could you-,” Kara began again. But then she seemed to think better of it, and swallowed down the rest of the words she was going to say.

“Could I, what?” Lena whispered, silently imploring Kara to ask for what they both wanted. Then, “Please just tell me what you need.” What do you want, Kara?

“I know that I probably don’t have any right to ask you for this. But could you please hold me for a little while?” Kara asked her in a soft, broken voice as another soft sound of sorrow escaped through her lips. “I’m just… in a really fragile emotional state right now - and I just really want to be held.” 

“Oh, of course,” Lena replied quickly, as if it was practically a given. The words came out breathy. It was more an exhale than anything else. She would give Kara just about anything she asked. And even though she knew that it would be difficult not to let herself get carried away, she wanted to do it. “Of course I can do that, Love.”

Lena felt her heart start to beat a little faster in her chest, as Kara shimmied over a little bit and made some room for Lena in the chair. Lena didn’t allow herself a chance to start second guessing things, before she climbed up and into the chair next to Kara. Kara turned slightly to face Lena. Her face still looked slightly puffy from her crying, but she still looked stunningly beautiful to Lena; it pained her heart. Almost instinctively, Lena’s arms wrapped tightly around Kara - one above Kara, one beneath her - holding Kara against her in a soft, but secure grip. Lena gently laid her head down next to Kara’s on the pillow so that they were breathing the same air now. And all she could think was, God, I love this woman so. If she could, Lena would have stayed there forever, just cradling the strong, relentless woman in her arms. She was surprised when Kara’s shoulders immediately relaxed at the contact, and the hero held her too. Lena closed her eyes as she listened to Kara take a deep breath, inhaling Lena’s comforting scent. Then Kara let out a faint little hum into the air, as if she wasn’t afraid to say she loved the way Lena smelled.

“You’re so beautiful,” Kara whispered, and Lena’s eyelids fluttered open to see Kara admiring her in every respect. “I know you’ve probably been told that your whole life = in just about every way you could ever be told - but I hope you know just how beautiful you are to me, Lena.”

Lena chuckled, before she found herself replying in a suddenly raspy voice, “I may have heard that a time or two in my life.” Then, almost shyly, she continued, “But I promise that it’s never meant half as much to me, as it means when you say it. You make me feel seen in a way that I never have before.” Lena’s emerald eyes glinted like jewels in the dimmed light, as she looked deeply into Kara’s cerulean gaze. Kara’s eyes were still a bit red-rimmed and swollen at the edges from her crying. But the color of her irises were crystal clear. She could marvel at the color for days, if she’d really wanted. Kara’s eyes were so pretty.

“Yeah?” Kara looked almost mischievous as she reached out to brush several silky strands of hair behind Lena’s ear. Lena swallowed hard as she felt Kara’s fingers graze her skin on their quest to properly situate those strands in place behind her ear. God help her, but she wanted more of Kara’s touch. She wanted Kara to burn herself into her for all of eternity. That’s what it always felt like when Kara touched her. It seemed like she was searing herself into Lena’s memory. It was like a brand to her soul.

“I know you can feel it, too,” Lena whispered. Then, in an almost beseeching and desperate voice she said, “Please tell me that you feel it too.” There was pain in her eyes as her voice went soft, “I can’t be the only one who feels this way.” The way Lena sounded almost devastated as she said those last words, pulled at Kara’s heart. She felt Lena’s desperation deeply.

Kara’s expression softened. Lena was being so vulnerable with her that Kara almost couldn’t believe it. It was a rare occurrence. Lena often kept her feelings heavily guarded. But for some reason, she was giving Kara a rare glimpse into her heart. And it meant so much.

“I’ve always felt that way,” Kara smiled, her blue eyes were brilliant, warm, and inviting. And Lena could only let out a relieved sigh, as Kara continued, “From the first day we met, I knew you were the one - my other half that I thought I was doomed to never find. You saw me . You made me feel seen in a way I never had outside of the suit.” Kara’s voice cracked as she tried to finish, “Rao, Lena, for the first time since crash landing on this strange planet, I felt like I had something to live for again.”

“Oh, Kara,” Lena felt her eyes flood with tears as she tried to imagine that feeling - that feeling of absolute loneliness that came with being so far from everything you’d once known. 

“Please don’t pity me,” Kara begged her. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad for me-”

“No,” Lena corrected her in a mere whisper, “No, I promise that’s not what this is.”

“Then why do you look like you’re going to cry?” Kara questioned as she started running her thumb back and forth over Lena’s cheek.

“Because I can empathize,” Lena whispered. “Of course I’ll never truly be able to relate to what you’ve been through. But I do empathize with you on a rather deep level.” Lena paused, as she too reached up to palm Kara’s jaw. “I felt so alone before I met you too. I thought that it would always be that way, but you changed that for me too. It’s why I took everything so hard when I lost you. But you’re here now, and all I can think is that I never want to let you go again.”

“Then don’t ,” Kara challenged her. And Lena wanted to laugh, because Kara made it sound so easy. She made it seem like such an easy thing to do. But it wasn’t . Lena knew that fact better than anybody. After all, she’d never wanted to let Kara go, but that hadn’t seemed to matter in the end. No, not when the universe had its own ideas as to what should and shouldn’t happen. The universe didn't care for Lena's whims. And she had a feeling that it never would. 

“Maybe I won’t,” Lena shot back with a defiant look in her eyes, and a small arch of her perfectly manicured eyebrows. 

“You’re cute,” Kara told her with a bemused and beaming smile, before she leaned forwards, placing a quick fleeting kiss to the corner of Lena’s mouth that caused Lena to completely freeze in place. Lena sucked in a sharp hitching breath as her heart suddenly skipped a beat.. Kara suddenly looked guilty as she pulled away to see the stunned look on Lena’s face. 

“Sorry,” Kara looked suddenly sheepish, as she scooted backwards, leaving a little more space between them than before. She was suddenly avoiding Lena’s gaze and was  fidgeting a bit as she said, “I shouldn’t have-” 

Lena quickly tightened her grip on Kara, pulling her back in She interrupted whatever she had been about to say. “No, it’s okay-” Lena still looked somewhat dazed, as she patiently waited for Kara’s gaze to return to her own. “I’m not bothered by it, I promise.”

“Are you sure?” Kara asked anxiously, “Cause you stiffened up quite a bit, and I was worried that I might have made you uncomfortable.”

“Kara,” Lena sighed, her eyes alight with emotion, but Kara couldn’t tell what emotion it was, “Please believe me when I say that I just wasn’t expecting you to do that. But that in no way means that I didn’t like it.”

“Yeah?” The look on Kara’s face was suddenly hopeful, it made a warmth bloom in her chest. Lena could feel herself falling just a little bit more in love with her.

“Yeah,” Lena smiled, as she let herself run a thumb over Kara’s bottom lip.

She wanted to kiss Kara this time. She wanted it so badly. But Kara had other ideas.

“You should get some sleep,” Kara suggested as she reached out and began running her thumb over the spot where her lips had touched. “I mean this in the best way possible, but you look exhausted.”

“I am exhausted,” Lena admitted with a deep groan. Sure, she could have tried to deny it. But she was pretty sure she wouldn’t be fooling anyone. Kara always seemed to know better.

“Then you should get some sleep,” Kara replied helpfully, as Lena’s eyelids reluctantly fluttered shut. She was still fighting it, but it was a losing battle. Lena could feel that now.

“But I don’t want to leave you,” Lena told her in a hoarse whisper. “I have no idea how I’ll find you again. I don’t want-”

d“Shhh,” Kara shushed her as she started combing her fingers soothingly through Lena’s hair, with the silky soft chestnut strands spilling between her fingers. “Hey, Don’t worry about that, okay? Because there’s one thing I’m sure of. And that is that we will always find each other. Trust me on this one. Just let go. You deserve to rest.”

“Mmm,” Lena hummed, as she relaxed, “Okay.”

Over the course of the last year, insomnia had been one of Lena’s biggest problems and cruelest tormentors. She often found it impossible to turn off her thoughts at night when she lay in bed by herself. She often felt unbelievably lonely. There was nothing else to it. But now, those feelings of emptiness were gone. She rejoiced a little bit at that thought. Everything just felt so right as she held Kara in her arms. She just couldn’t help but feel at peace as she focused on Kara’s touch - on the faint scratching of Kara’s nails against her scalp, as the blonde ran her fingers over the back of Lena’s head again and again. Lena let out one last low moan of absolute contentment, and finally surrendered to the dark.

.........

The next time Lena opened her eyes, she found herself back in her allocated private room. The mattress beneath her was soft, but cool against her back. She noted almost immediately how she missed the warmth of Kara’s body. Lena’s mouth started to water slightly as her thoughts briefly thought about coffee. She spent a long minute trying to decide if she wanted coffee and breakfast enough to get out of bed. Normally, there was no hesitation, and Lena would go bounding down the hallway to the cafeteria. However, this morning Lena found that she was in the midst of one of those rare occasions when she would rather spend the morning buried under the protection of the covers. If only the covers could protect her from the reality she was facing. Lena let out a groan, not wanting to have to face what she knew was coming. With a sleepy groan and a gruff sigh, Lena turned away from the windows and rolled onto her side, hoping that she might be fortunate enough to fall back into sleep. Her hope was that in sleep, she might be able to escape from all of the things that seemed to be pulling her apart.

Lena grabbed the pillow and pulled it over her head, as if she was hoping that she could burrow there and be protected from the rest of the world. She tried to ward off her racing thoughts, by creating a world inside of her own mind that she wanted to see brought to life. She often did this when her mind was trying to take her to dark places. She would craft a story or a narrative, something that brought her happiness or took her mind away from her other responsibilities she might have. More often than not,  it usually worked and distracted her enough to allow her to fall asleep.  However, in this particular instance, she was only able to distract herself for a few minutes. The negative emotions and fears were just too strong, and soon won out. They kept pulling Lena back to reality. 

She felt heartsick in a way she had never felt before. She tried to swallow down her own sadness, but did so without success. It was overwhelming how the sadness just seemed to ooze out of her.  It left her feeling like she had a pit in her stomach that just wouldn’t go away. And she hated feeling so helpless to fight it.

Her phone started buzzing on the bedside table, and Lena imagined that if her head wasn’t buried under the pillow, she would be able to see its screen lighting up the room. But she was feeling like a bit of a stubborn brat this morning and refused to be bothered. If Lena was being honest, she didn’t really want to get up and face the world - not when she felt so suddenly hollow and empty inside. Lena let out a loud huff, and turned away from the source of the noise. She clamped her eyes shut, and willed herself back to sleep.

It must have worked. She must have dozed off again, because the next awareness she had of the waking world was a loud series of bangs pervading the darkness. She jolted awake with a start, as the loud noises persisted. Lena was still groggy as she picked up the pillow and tossed it away from her on the bed. It was then that she was able to puzzle out what the loud sound was. Someone was loudly walloping her door with their fist.

“Luthor!” Alex’s voice was muffled, but still distinctive enough to be made out through the heavy metal door, “You can try and ignore my calls all you want. But you can’t escape this! Consider this your wake-up call. It’s time to get your ass out of bed!” 

Lena wanted to ignore the woman, but now that she was awake, she knew that she wouldn't be able to. Because as stubborn as Lena could be, Alex could be equally stubborn. And if they were about to get in a stand-off, Lena had no misconceptions as to which way it would go. Lena would lose. Sure, they hadn’t gotten to that point yet. But she had no doubts that Alex would kick down her door, if it came down to it. In fact, if Lena had to guess, she would say that Alex was probably already weighing that choice somewhere in that pretty little head of hers.

Lena let out a groan of frustration and resignation as she slowly pushed herself upwards in bed so she was leaning on her palms. It was still mostly dark outside, but Lena knew that it wouldn’t be for long. She can see the light of the coming dawn, peeking through the glazed, icy looking windows in the room. 

It was dim enough in the room that Lena had a hard time making out any of the pieces of furniture in the room; the wardrobe in the corner was merely a dark shadow, and the chair in front of the desk across the room was a hulking figure. She forced herself to blink several times, as she waited for her eyes to fully adjust to the darkness. 

“Seriously, Lena?!” Alex continued to shout through the door, without the faintest bit of embarrassment or thought for how ridiculous she was being, “You’d better be alive in there! You know, if you don’t respond to me in the next…six minutes, I’m not above kicking down the door.” Lena had to let out a small huff of a laugh at that. Alex had seriously paused in the middle of her shouting to check the time on her watch.

As for Alex threatening to kick down the door… Well, it just proved that she and Alex had gotten to know each other quite well over the last several months - so much so that she could anticipate Alex’s actions and threats before they ever even happened.

Lazily, Lena turned and swiveled her hips so that she was sitting on the edge of the bed. Lena groped blindly for where she put her glasses. She felt way too blind without them. Lena’s hand knocked into her glasses case, causing them to slide ever so slightly across the surface of her bed-side table. But she was able to grab the case before it fell off of the edge.

Lena’s fingers gingerly pried open her glasses’ case, expecting it to snap shut on her poor, clumsy fingers at any moment. 

The fingers of the hand not holding the case, carefully closed around her glasses and pulled them from the case. She closed the case with a loud snap and set it back on the bedside table. She then slowly and carefully unfolded the frame of her glasses, so that she could slide them on her face. Once they were situated on her face, she felt the world around her shift into focus.

Lena looked to the phone on her bedside table. Her actions were slow and uncoordinated as she picked it up with her dominant hand, and pressed the screen. She had to wait briefly for the phone's screen to activate. It, too, seemed a bit reluctant to wake, as it blinked slowly back to life. Lena, then swiped her finger on the display. She fumbled the device a bit in her hands as she punched in the six digit code digit code and waited for it to unlock. With a sigh, Lena’s eyes took in the time featured in small numbers at the top of the display. It was 6:54 a.m. a mere six minutes remained before she was supposed to meet the others in the viewing room.

‘Fuck ’ Lena groaned to herself. She hadn’t meant to sleep so long, but she’d been so drained. 

Lena raked a hand over the lower half of her face, and stood up. She stumbled clumsily into several pieces of furniture on the way to the door. She had to bite back a curse, every time she knocked into something. The wise thing to do, probably would have been to turn on a light in the room.  However, she also couldn’t bear to listen to the loud banging of Alex’s fist on the door for another moment. So the need for necessary lighting fell by the wayside. She undid the dead-bolt and threw open the door, causing Alex to come careening forwards into the room with a sharp squeak as she clattered into Lena. They almost wound up on the floor, but fortunately, Alex seemed to catch her at the last possible moment and just managed to avert disaster. Lena grunted as Alex caught her in the ribs with an elbow, before Alex was able to wrap her arms around Lena’s middle and keep her from dropping to the floor.

“Sorry,” Alex apologized, as she took a step backwards.

“You are the very definition of a bull in a china shop. You know that right?” Lena teased. “For a second there, I thought I’d been dropped into a warzone. I had half a mind to think that you were actually going to kick down my door.”

“I know…I know,” Alex looked appropriately dismayed, “I just didn’t want you to miss it.”

Lena’s brow furrowed a bit, as she turned away and went looking for the lamp in the corner.

“Miss what?” Lena asked, as she fumbled underneath the lamp shade for the little knob, and then turned it once she found it. With a faint click, the room was bathed with a small bit of unobtrusive orange light.

“They’re starting the serum this morning,” Alex explained as she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets.

“What?” Lena’s head snapped towards the other woman so fast, she was worried for a moment that she might have given herself whiplash. Lena felt a small shock of pain go skittering down her neck and had to reach up to the spot in order to try and calm the muscles.

“Yeah,” Alex let out a little huff of anxiety. “I know. My first thought was also that it was too soon. But the Doctor is insistent that now is as good of a time as any. They’re pulling the serum out of refrigeration, and plan to get started in the next hour or so.” 

Lena swallowed hard over the sudden lump in her throat. Her face scrunched up a bit in uneasiness as she warred with the sudden anxiety flooding her brain. The world seemed to grow ever sharper around her. She was scared of what this all meant. In the matter of just a handful of hours, they would know whether their hard work had been worth it, or if it had been done in vain.

“They might think she’s ready, but I don’t know if any of the rest of us are,” Lena choked out honestly. 

“Are you okay?” Alex looked concerned. The look of unease on Lena’s face told Alex all she needed to know. Lena was scared. Then Alex seemed to notice the lines on Lena’s face that were visible even beneath the glasses “Gosh, did you sleep at all? You look half dead.”

“I was with her most of last night,” Lena breathed, as she sat down rather brusquely on the edge of the bed. She flopped down so hard that the bed let out a pathetic little squeak in response to her action. “I don’t think the sleep was as restorative as it might have been, if I had slept regularly and had gone into REM. But I guess that I’ll trade that for the few moments that I got to spend with her.” Lena shrugged haphazardly.

“Wait,” Alex looked contemplative for a moment, “Are you being serious right now? You were actually with Kara last night?”

“Yeah,” Lena swallowed as she fisted the blankets in her hands and squeezed the fabric. “Don’t ask me how…  But I was with her last night. I was able to stay with her for a good long while.”

“And you’re okay?” Alex questioned, “I mean… you feel okay?”

“Yeah,” Lena nodded. “Whatever form I was in didn't seem to be affected by the radioactivity. The only downside seems to be that no one else can see me. Only her.” Then, Lena let out a long, weighted breath, “I’m still so confused by it all. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent, but it….. Well, it defies logic, Alex.”

“I’ll say,” Alex let out a rather boisterous laugh. “It’s the stuff of insanity. But you should know that I believe you. It almost seems like a form of dream-walking. I mean…it’s only ever happened while you were sleeping, right?”

“For me,” Lena confirmed, “But I don’t know if that’s the case for Kara, as well. I never even thought to ask. I think we were just stuck in our own little world last night.”

“Yeah,” Alex huffed out, a bit under her breath, “Well, in my experience you two have always kind of been that way,” Alex teased, “It’s annoying as hell.”

“Excuse me,” Lena sounded nothing short of indignant.

“Oh don’t pretend like it’s not true,” Sam said as she stepped inside of the room. “When you two are looking at each other, it’s like the rest of us might as well not exist. It’s rude.

“Please! As if you and Alex are any better,” Lena couldn’t help but scoff. “You really are one to talk.”

“Hey,” Sam’s voice was low, as she responded, “You and Kara take each other’s clothes off with your eyes. In a room full of other people, no less. At least Alex and I keep that to the privacy of our bedroom.”

“Enough,” Alex huffed as she placed a hand over Sam’s mouth. “Lena doesn’t need to know what we do in private.” Then, Alex let out a squeal of horror as Sam licked her palm. “What the - You just licked me!” Lena couldn’t seem to help the loud abdominal driven laughter from bursting out, as she watched Alex turn a deep shade of scarlet and whirl on Sam.

“You two are ridiculous,” Lena told them, with an amused shake of her head. “Now if you don’t mind, I need to get washed up and changed. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“We’ll grab you some coffee and breakfast, and meet you in the common area,” Sam offered as she grabbed Alex’s hand with her own. “We need to go and collect Ruby from bed. She, like her Aunt Lena, didn’t want to get up this morning.”

“Sounds good,” Lena smiled, “I’ll see you guys out there shortly. Thanks for coming to get me.”

“Of course,” Alex smiled warmly, “You should know. No member of the Danvers family ever gets left behind.”

“Oh?” Lena felt her heart do a strange little flip at the notion. 

“Pfft,” Alex scoffed, “Come on. Everyone knows you’re an honorary member of the Danvers family by this point. Hell, Eliza already alludes to you as one of her daughters. And I call you Sis all of the time.”

“What?!” The little squeak that escaped from Lena’s throat, as she grappled with this newfound information, was heartbreaking. Tears instantly filled Lena’s eyes, as she realized what it all meant. At some point, she really had become family. 

“Alex,” Sam’s voice was hushed as she knowingly spoke, “You’re going to make her cry.” And sure enough, Lena’s vision was already blurring with tears, as she felt her throat get tight.

“Damn it,” Lena hissed as she let out a frustrated little huff, and wiped at her eyes, “How dare you make me cry the first thing in the morning, Alex. Geez!”

“Well, it’s better to do that before you put your make-up on, rather than after, am I right?” Alex joked. To which this only earned her a rather pointed glare from a quickly deteriorating Lena.

“Sorry…sorry,” Alex replied, looking genuinely remorseful as she lifted her hands up in a gesture of appeasement as she took a step back.

“Don’t be an ass,” Sam ordered Alex as she gave her a gentle shove forward, “Go give your future sister a hug.”

Lena laughed as Alex quickly listened and sauntered forward. She gingerly sat down on the bed next to Lena, before enveloping Lena in a crushing hug. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to make you cry. I just…sort of assumed you knew.”

“Maybe on some level,” Lena admitted as she returned the embrace, “But to have it spelled out like that is just… well, it’s a lot, you know?”

“Yeah,” Alex acknowledged. “But you should know. It is true.”

“Thanks,” Lena smiled weakly, as she rubbed her face on the shoulder of Alex’s jacket.

“Are you getting snot all over my jacket?” Alex sounded affronted as she pulled back. Then she looked at her shoulder, and squeaked, “Oh my goodness! You are, you little-”

“Hey, you only have yourself to blame!” Lena told her with a flash of her brilliantly vibrant, watery green eyes as she pushed Alex away from her with a gentle, pathetic little shove. “You’re the one that made me cry .” 

“She’s got a point there,” Sam shrugged when Alex looked to her for help.

“You!” Alex pointed between the two of them, looking horrified as she took in the conspiratorial expressions on both of their faces. 

“You know what they say,” Lena shot back, with a teasing smile and an arch of her brow, “Bros before hoes!”

“Bros before… That’s not even….” Something in Alex suddenly seemed to short circuit. Alex was just straight out spluttering nonsensical words in between comments now, “You’re not being fair! You can’t seriously-”

“Okay,” Sam looked genuinely concerned now, “I think we’ve actually broken her. I’m going to go try and find a way to reset this one . We’ll see you soon.” Lena gave her a nod and a beautiful, soft dimpled smile, as she wiped away the rapidly cooling and sticky tears on her face.

“I love you guys,” Lena shouted as Sam scooped Alex up, wrapped an arm around her middle,  and started walking her out the door.

“Love you too,” Sam told her, as she blew a kiss at Lena and promptly shut the door behind her. 

Once she was left alone in the room, Lena let out a soft sigh. 

She knew that she needed to get going. But deciding where to start was another matter. 

Lena started by flicking on all of the lamps in the room, so that light flooded her small safe haven.

After weighing her options, Lena padded towards the bathroom. She had a serious case of cotton-mouth going on, and she knew that the issue could only be solved by vigorously brushing her teeth. But first, Lena needed to drink some water.  Lena’s throat was unbearably dry.  She quickly plucked one of the glasses from next to the washing sink on the way to her bathroom, and filled it with the coldest water she could get out of the tap. She took a healthy swig of the water and closed her eyes. She let out a content little sigh, as she swallowed the liquid. There was nothing better than a glass of ice cold water, when she was parched like this. In no time at all, Lena had downed the entire glass. She set it down next to the sink and padded into the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, while giving herself a quick once over in the mirror. She spit into the sink, and then set about rinsing her mouth with some strong mint-flavored mouthwash. She moved on from one thing to the next, quickly working her way through her morning routine. 

Lena walked back into the bedroom and over to the small wardrobe that was tucked into the corner. There she leant against the door jam and closed her eyes. Lena took a deep breath and then opened her eyes. She was more determined than ever to get through today. She just had to get through one more day. Then maybe all of this would finally be over.

She returned to the primary task of picking out an outfit. She ruled out many of her dress shirts, because she wanted to be comfortable. And she ruled out nearly all of her dresses because it was way too cold for them. For once, Lena didn’t really have to worry about looking professional, mainly because she didn’t have to worry about any L-Corp related business. In the end, Lena wound up picking out an outfit that was a bit more casual than she was used to. But, honestly? She was too tired to care, and she hoped the others wouldn’t care either. She picked out some oddly comfortable dark-wash skinny blue jeans, a cotton dark gray Henley shirt, and a button up green and blue checkered flannel long-sleeved shirt. It was an outfit taken straight out of a lesbian fantasy.

Lena set them on the rack closest to her, and started to unbutton her shirt from the day before. She fumbled with a few of the buttons, and let out frustrated puffs of air as she did so. In a short time, however, she was free from the very wrinkled piece of clothing. She scrutinized it carefully, silently wondering whether the wrinkles would come out of the fabric with a bit of steaming via her hand-held steamer, or if it was something she was going to have to have dry cleaned. She wasn’t terribly optimistic, and so she settled for placing it in the small hamper she’d brought with her. In no time, she was pulling her small white camisole over her head, and was tossing it into the hamper with its partner. She reached down to her belt, and unbuckled it. 

When Lena looked back up to her reflection in the mirror, she froze. Her hands fell away from her tasks for a brief moment. It had to be some kind of trick of the light. Because surely she hadn’t lost that much weight, right? Slowly, Lena reached up to her stomach. She prodded gently at the muscles there with her fingers. She swallowed thickly. How had she not noticed before? Quickly, her eyes scanned over her arms, observing how her muscles were a bit more prominent than they were before. Lena squeezed her eyes shut for a long moment, let out a deep breath, and then went back to undressing as if nothing had happened. 

This wasn’t the way she’d ever wanted to lose weight. Mainly, because she knew how unhealthy it was. But she could not complain; Not when Kara had literally been starving to death for months. Compared to that, this was nothing. Lena would just have to make a concerted effort to do better. She needed to make herself eat more.

Lena shed her dress slacks and underwear, and tossed them into the hamper on her way to the bathroom. She needed to finish washing up. 

After a bit more contemplation, Lena opted for a quick shower. She decided to skip washing her hair, but gave herself a quick rinse-off under the spray, if only to help her wake up a bit. The warm water on her felt heavenly, and Lena sighed as she closed her eyes. 

One thing was for sure. The facility they were at was drafty and felt very cold at times. And Lena? Lena had grown accustomed to the warmth of National City. She did not care for the cold of this place.

Steam wafted into the air, as the water became so hot that it turned into a vapor in the air, fogging up the mirrors in the bathroom. Lena hummed a broken tune under her breath, as she meticulously scrubbed her body with a washcloth saturated by soap. She rinsed off, and quickly set about shaving her legs to the best of her ability. It was awkward in the cramped little space, but Lena made it work. She managed to come out of it largely unscathed. Although she did nick her skin deep enough to draw blood in one place. Lena set the razor back on the shelf in the shower, and cut the flow of the water. 

She plucked the towel from the rack next to the shower, and started patting herself dry.

By the time she waltzed out into the bedroom, she had a smile on her face. She always felt so much better after a nice, hot shower. Oftentimes, it made her feel like a completely new person. 

Lena grabbed one of her more comfortable bras from her things and slipped it on. She grabbed a pair of matching panties, and slipped those on as well, before she grabbed the jeans and sat down. She pulled the soft denim up her legs and stood back up, before tugging them up the rest of the way and buttoning them with a flourish of her fingers. She walked over to the wardrobe and pulled the dark gray henley shirt from its hanger, before pulling it on, and making sure it was on right. She had a penchant for putting things inside out when she was tired or not paying close attention.. Lastly, she grabbed hold of the flannel shirt, and pulled it on. She left it unbuttoned, but cinched it at her waist. Lena grabbed a pair of comfy socks, and sat down again, as she pulled them on. She was still tired and didn’t trust herself not to fall over, if she’d tried to do it standing. Lena walked over to her phone, and plucked it off of the bedside table, before slipping into the back pocket of her jeans.

Finally, Lena padded over to the door. She stepped into her most comfortable pair of walking shoes. And plucked up her wallet from the shelf next to her door. She stuffed this into her pocket, and gave the room a quick once over. Once was satisfied she had what she needed, she did one last cursory check of her person.

Wallet? Check. Phone? Check. Glasses? They’re on your face, Lena. Sigh. Lena let out a wry chuckle, and opened the door. She’d been just about to close the door when she realized that she didn’t have her key-card. She quickly slipped back inside, and grabbed it. She then gave a shake of her head, at her own antics, and then left.

By the time she arrived in the common area, everything was in full swing. She looked around and quickly spotted Alex talking to a woman Lena didn’t recognize. She was beautiful, with auburn hair and light green eyes.

Lena cleared her throat gently as she approached. Two pairs of eyes quickly swiveled towards her.

“Oh, hey, Lena,” Alex smiled. The greeting was a bit flippant, before Alex turned back to the woman she was talking to. It was only a couple of seconds later that Alex seemed to realize that introductions probably needed to be made, as Lena and Lucy silently scrutinized one another.

“Oh… Sorry,” Alex laughed, “I should probably make some introductions, huh?” She looked at the beautiful brunette she’d been talking to, “Lucy, this is Lena Luthor.” Then she quickly looked at Lena, “Lena, this is Lucy Lane, Lois’ little sister.”

“Oh,” Lena couldn’t stop the silly little gasp of surprise as she realized she’d heard quite a bit about this woman, even if she’d never met her before. Kara had mentioned her multiple times in their conversations, but had never really elaborated much on how they’d met, or how exactly it was that they knew each other.

“Hi,” Lucy had a coy, but wide, beaming smile on her face, “We’ve never met officially before, but I feel like I already know so much about you. I’m Lucy.”

“Lena,” Lena smiled, as she offered Lucy a hand and the other woman shook it. “It’s lovely to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Lucy said as she released Lena’s hand, and withdrew her own. “So… I hear we’ve got an ex in common,” Lucy teased. 

“Oh God,” Lena couldn’t help but face palm at this moment. She’d heard James mention Lucy a few times, but she’d never expected she would actually come face to face with the woman. “Please don’t remind me.”

“We also have a best friend in common, too,” Lucy said, as she coyly played with the watch on her wrist. 

“Oh,” Lena swallowed, “I didn’t realize that you and Kara were that close.” Lena doesn’t know why she suddenly felt so jealous. Maybe it was the fact that Lucy had called them best friends, and it made Lena feel slightly defensive. Kara had always called Lena her best friend, and Lena had been under the impression that someone could only have one of those.

“Oh, of course,” Lucy laughed, her eyes sparkling, “I like to think we’re pretty close. I mean… I’ve saved her ass a few times, and she’s saved mine. Plus, there’s the whole ‘Super’ connection that we’ve got going on. My sister is dating her Cousin. So… in a weird way, we’re family.”

“Right,” Lena’s throat was suddenly tight. She had to swallow down some of the more  abrasive feelings that were currently raging inside of her chest.

“But I don’t think I could come close to what you two have,” Lucy admitted, as she met Lena’s gaze. “Kara has never been able to shut up about you, since you two met. Seriously, every time we ever talked on the phone it was always, Lena this - Lena that . But I think I’m starting to understand where the obsession is.” Lucy paused, giving Lena a flirtatious smile, “She never mentioned how pretty you are. Only that you’re the kindest person she’s ever met.”

“Lucy!” Alex quickly interrupted, sounding affronted.

“What?” Lucy challenges, “I think it’s fairly obvious Kara has the hots for her. I don’t think it’s nearly the secret you’re making it out to be.”

“So…umm…. How did you and Kara meet, exactly?” Lena asked as she sat down.

“Well,” Lucy laughed, as if remembering a funny story, “Our relationship was a bit complicated in the beginning.”

“A bit?” Alex couldn’t stop the snort of indignation from escaping.

“Hey,” Lucy’s eyes flashed, as she fixed Alex with a glare. “You stay out of this,” she briefly dismissed the older woman with a flippant wave of her hand.

“We were both sort of vying for James’ affections,” Lucy recalled, “I was the ex, trying to win back her ex-fiancé. And Kara… Kara was the new woman he was after.” She tapped her fingers on the table, as she said, “I wanted to dislike her, of course. But that’s easier said than done.” Lucy cleared her throat. She seemed thoughtful as she said, “I was a JAG lawyer that got mixed up with things at the DEO. I knew her as Kara, and I knew her as Supergirl…but didn’t put two and two together until much later.”

“My father was a xenophobic narcissist, who actually threw this one,” Lucy paused long enough to point at Alex with a thumb, “And Director J'onzz into a Cadmus facility shortly after Kara’s tenure as Supergirl began.” Lena was listening with rapt attention now. “Kara had to reveal herself to me, in order to try and save them.” Lena felt her heart skip a beat. “She didn’t want to reveal herself, of course. But she was completely out of options, and was pretty much forced into it.” Alex nodded. “Fortunately, we were able to free them from the facility and resolve the situation before shit truly hit the fan.”

“That’s good,” Lena sounded nothing short of relieved.

“Yeah,” Lucy nodded. “She wound up having to save all of our asses, later on.” Then, she made contact with Lena. “I don’t know if you remember, but there was that thing with Myriad.”

“Umm…” Lena’s brows furrowed, as she wracked her brain, “I think so? I mean…I was in Metropolis at the time that it happened. But I remember the attack. It almost ended life as we knew it.”

“Yeah,” Lucy nodded, “She saved us all by flying Fort Rozz into space. We almost lost her that day. But, fortunately, Alex was able to figure out how to fly Kara’s pod. She was able to save her.” There was a brief pause. “I was relocated to the East coast after that. But Kara and I made an effort to keep in touch. I guess sharing near death experiences has a weird way of bonding people together. We uh… still try to get together as much as we can with our busy schedules, but probably not as much as we would like.” There was a big smile on Lucy’s face as she said, “I don’t think I have to tell you, but she’s…a really great friend. And even though we had a bit of a rocky road in the beginning, I’m really glad I met her. She’s a keeper, that one.”

“Yeah,” Lena found herself replying, “Yeah, she really is.”

“It has been really hard watching her go through all of this,” Lucy confessed, “She’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. And…well, it’s just not fair that she’s had to suffer like this.”

“Yeah,” Lena’s voice sounded hollow as she choked out the word. “It’s been agony for me too.”

“Oh, shit,” Alex’s voice pulled them both out of their own little reverie, “I think they’re starting.”

Lena watched as the feed in the room showed Doctor Olivier hooking Kara up to a new bag of fluids. From what Lena could see, it was a clear bag. And based on what she knew, Lena figured that it was probably just a bag of normal saline, or a bag of lactated ringers. Doctors tended to heavily favor those options in terms of fluid replacement. 

Kara was chatting animatedly with the other individuals in the room. She looked like she was in good spirits, and Lena would like to think that Lena had something to do with that - though she couldn’t say for sure whether she had or not.

“That’s the serum,” Lena found herself breathing as he hooked up a line of faintly tinted purple liquid to Kara’s second I.V. access port. Lena didn’t even realize she was trembling, until she felt Alex grab hold of her hand to steady it. 

“Easy,” Alex breathed quietly, as she nudged Lena. “We know it works. We know it’s safe. Just relax, Luthor.”

“I know…” Lena murmured in a quiet voice. “That’s not what I’m worried about. I…I’m just worried about her. There’s no way of predicting how her body is going to react to everything. She’s been through so much. Not to mention, her body has been flooded with radiation for so long.”

“Hey,” Sam’s voice had Lena looking away from the monitor. “I got you coffee and a croissant, along with some eggs. I’ve also got a bit of fresh fruit,” she spoke in a warm voice, as she set the food down on the table in front of Lena. “I know you’re probably feeling nauseated with the stress of everything that’s going on right now, but please just try to eat a little bit, okay?”

“I will,” Lena promised. Thanks, Sam,” Lena told her, as she pulled the other woman into a gentle hug, and gave her a grateful little squeeze.

“Of course,” Sam gave her a sweet little smile, as she sat down next to Alex, and took Alex’s hand in her own, giving it a loving squeeze.

Lena tentatively took a sip of the coffee, and let out a content little sigh as the flavor of the rich liquid hit her tongue. It was everything she’d been craving and more. As events unfolded on the monitor, Lena slowly sipped at her coffee, and picked methodically at her food. Her stomach was in knots as she watched Kara receive the infusion. But after seeing herself in the mirror this morning, she knew she needed to make a better concerted effort to eat more. 

Everything seemed to be going quite well, and Lena was hopeful. Much to Lena’s relief, Kara seemed completely unaffected by all of the tension in the air. She was conversing with Brainy about a scientific journal she’d been reading. She’d even set the tablet down on her lap, so she could use her hands to explain the principle (as if Brainy didn’t already know all about it). Lena found herself even more endeared by her beloved, as Kara talked his ear off about the subject. J’onn, too, seemed to be amused by Kara’s antics. Or maybe he was just so happy to see her in good spirits. 

Mon El was watching her with an affectionate look on his face, and Lena had to try and ignore how that made her feel.

“God, she’s adorable,” Lena laughed, as she practically beamed with pride.

“Your girlfriend is such a dork ,” Sam huffed between her own laughter, ”She’s even worse than I remember.” 

“Shut up,” Lena whirled around to give her best friend a glare, before turning around to focus back on the center of her universe.

“What?” Sam said innocently, “She is. And I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I mean…. she’s cute - a cute nerd. You two are a perfect fit for one another.” 

"Yeah," Lucy laughed. "It's a good thing you two use your power for good. Because I'm pretty sure that we'd be doomed if you two ever went over to the dark side and decided to take over the world. The rest of us wouldn't stand a chance."

"Nah," Alex chuckled. "Lena has such a big heart. I'm convinced that she's the best of us." Then, she continued, "Sure, maybe there's an evil Lena out there, in some crazy alternate universe. But I can verify that it's not in ours."

"You really think that there could be an evil Lena out there in some mirror universe?" Lena asked. Her curiosity was clearly peaked.

"Well," Alex spoke, "After meeting Overgirl on Earth-X, I'm convinced that all things are possible." She tried to laugh it off, but Lena could see a vaguely haunted look in Alex's eyes. 

"I feel like there's a story there," Lena murmured. "Wait. Is Overgirl an allusion to-?"

"Supergirl, yes," Alex whispered lowly. "But she was evil - as evil as they come. She was the complete opposite of the Kara that you know. She was darkness personified. She used her power to take over after the West lost WWII."

"Oh no," Lena looked horrified. "Please tell me you're joking."

"Nope," Alex replied, letting the 'p" pop just a little bit in the word. "She's dead now, though. So you don't have to worry. She went the way of a Supernova, after absorbing too much sunlight. She was like Icarus. She flew too close to the sun, and paid the price."

"So..." Lena swallowed. Actually, the muscles of her throat locked up a little bit, and it sounded more like a gulp. "How do you know all of this?" 

"Oh," Alex suddenly realize that nobody around her knew. Barry came to her rescue though, when he magically appeared and placed a hand on Alex's shoulder.

"Well, she and Kara were there," Barry said. "It really is a long story that we'll have to share at some point. But let's just say that my wedding was one unforgettable event." Alex groaned. 

"I really am sorry that that happened to you and Iris, Barry," Alex sighed, "I mean.... that's just terrible luck."

"Eh," Barry shrugged, "I mean.... it turned out alright, in the end. I think that's what truly matters."

"Geez," Lucy huffed, "Is Kara still on about that one article? I thought she would have winded herself by now."

“I didn’t even know she liked science until I read her journals,” Lena whispered, “But apparently, she was going to be inducted into the Science Guild on Krypton. She’s….incredibly smart.”

“Shit, really?!?” Sam looked impressed. She looked between Alex and Lena for a moment.

“It’s true,” Alex confirmed the information. “She used to drive me crazy back when we were in high school…  She was always going on and on about how she mastered Physics when she was two years old.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” Sam said as she draped herself over Alex. There was a hint of teasing in her expression as she gave Alex a smile and a kiss. She softly doted on her, as if to make all of Alex’s wounds better.

“I can’t wait to pick her brain,” Lena sighed almost wistfully. “I always used to fantasize about the things Supergirl and I could do together to better the world. And now all I want is to collaborate with Kara on some earth-changing science projects. Imagine what we could do to stave off climate change, or manage Earths' valuable critical resources.”

“Oh my goodness,” Sam laughed, as she took in Lena’s expression and the yearning look in the brunette’s green eyes, “I would like to amend my earlier statement. You’re both nerds.”

.........

When the infusion finally finished a few hours later, a calm seemed to settle in the room. Most of the murmuring picked back up, as everyone made conversation, and tried to pass the time. 

Lena still felt like a nervous wreck. But things had gone just about as well as they could have.

Still, Lena couldn’t seem to relax. For how good Kara looked a little while ago, she was looking less so now. She looked sickly now. 

It was just J’onn and Kal in the room with her now. There were still several Doctors and nurses in the room with Kara, moving around anxiously as they prepared for the next phase of the treatment. 

A large modified dialysis machine had been wheeled into the room, and stood out like a sore thumb amongst its equipment. Lena didn’t want to think about the bit that came next.

“You okay?” Alex’s voice was soft as she gently knocked into Lena’s shoulder with her own. 

“Yeah,” Lena forced a smile onto her face. Alex was far too aware of how that smile didn’t reach her eyes. Something was bothering her. “So far so good,” Lena murmured. 

“I just got a text from Brainy,” Alex said as she held her phone out for inspection. “He said radiation levels are down. The serum did exactly what we hoped it would do. It rendered the Isotope inert. She’s harmless to humans now.” Lena felt her heart skip a beat at that particular bit of news. She huffed softly in relief, feeling her eyes and throat burn ever so slightly.

“That’s fantastic news,” Lena smiled weakly. It was shy and hopeful. Sure, she was over the moon at the news. But she was also aware that there were still multiple hurdles to overcome, and she was worried. 

“Really?!” Alex looked surprised by Lena’s reserved reaction, “That’s it? You’re not gonna jump for joy? Cause, I’ll tell you what! I’m pretty sure that it’s the best damn news I’ve ever heard in my life. You did it, Lena!” Lena gasped as she was pulled into a crushing hug. She laughed, as Sam piled on, and then Lucy. In no time at all, Winn appeared out of nowhere and was getting in on the action. Lena laughed breathlessly as everyone joined in.

Once everything calmed down a bit, Lena looked at Alex, held up her empty coffee cup, and then said, “I’m gonna go get myself a refill.”

Alex nodded as she took one long pull from her own coffee. Lena set her empty cup down on the table, and slid off of her stool with a certain finesse. 

“I’ll be right back,” she announced to the table as she slipped away into the crowd. 

It was chaotic as she weaved between the tables and bodies littering the room, and headed over towards the exit. She departed with one last look into the room, and made her way down the hall towards the cafeteria.

……

Meanwhile, at the facility a thousand miles away, it was calm and quiet. There was peace.

Since all of the frantic and almost chaotic excitement of the hour before, things had settled down quite a bit.

Kara was allowed to rest.

Everyone else in the room was making a concerted effort to keep the talking to a minimum as they went about their tasks. Machines let out faint beeps and whines in regular increments as they did their part to keep track of Kara’s vital signs, cycling regularly every fifteen minutes. 

Kara floated in and out of consciousness. Every so often, she found herself coming back around to hear the gently murmured words of her friends and care team. She would politely interject, in order to offer her two cents in regards to conversations that were going on in the room, before tuning back out again. But otherwise, she was content to just relax - to focus on breathing deeply in and out. 

In order to keep herself calm and relaxed, Kara found herself saying several various Kryptonian mantras in her mind. She wanted to try and strengthen herself for what she knew would come next. 

A little while ago, J’onn had surprised Kara by playing some Kryptonian music. The tones vaguely reminded her of those produced by hand-pans, but the instruments were composed of crystal rather than metal. It made her smile, mainly because it made her think of home. She’d always loved music. 

The longer she listened, the more she could feel herself drifting away. She tried to hold on, to stay rooted in the present. But it was almost as if she could feel her strength being sapped away. With all of the sleep she’d gotten recently, Kara knew that she should feel well rested. But for some reason, Kara was still so tired.

While Kara rested, J’onn watched over her. He kept watch over her like it was the single most important job in the world. After all, he took his job very seriously. He wanted to relax. Hell, he wanted to be able to let his guard down. But something wasn’t quite right.

He clenched his jaw and picked at the edges of his cuticles, as a bad feeling of foreboding refused to let go of him. It crested over him like a wave, making his shoulders sag under the sudden unshakable weight.

About a half an hour previously, Kara had looked over at J’onn and said, “Thank you so much for being here,” and it had meant so much to him. 

Of course, J’onn hated that Kara had to suffer so much. But it was clear that the events of the last six months had brought them closer in a way he hadn’t thought was possible. Her smile had been beautiful and delicate, as she looked at him. He’d felt truly appreciated, as she gave his hand a gentle little squeeze. “I couldn’t have made it this far without you.”

“I wouldn’t have dreamt of being anywhere else,” J’onn had replied, in an earnest loving voice. “I’m honored to have you for a daughter, Kara.”

“I love you so much, J’onn,” Kara had told him, her voice thick with emotion.  

“I love you, too,” he had said as he squeezed her hand back.

“Mmm… I can’t wait for this all to be over,” Kara had exhaled in a quiet breath. 

“Me too,” J’onn had replied in a soft voice, feeling as if he could completely relate to the sentiment. “But I promise that this will all be over soon. And then all of the struggles of the last six months will just be a distant memory. You’ll finally be able to live the life you deserve.”

“Mmm,” Kara had hummed. Her voice had been groggy as she spoke in a scratchy voice, “Just promise me you’ll all still be a part of it?”

“Always,” J’onn had promised, “We’ll always be part of your life, Kara.”  Kara had nodded and closed her eyes, letting out a deep relaxed sigh as she sank further into the bed. He could feel the fatigue rolling off of her in waves.

……

J’onn forced himself to glance away from Kara’s slumbering form, as Brainy walked quietly into the room. He wasn’t as quiet as J’onn would have liked for him to be, but fortunately, Kara seemed completely oblivious and unaffected by the noise of Brainy’s heavy footsteps.

“I just got off the phone with Ray,” Querl Dox a.k.a Brainy announced in a quiet volume. His head was still buried in his computer tablet, as he spoke, “He’s finished programming the nanites, and thinks they should be ready to go soon.” 

“That’s good news. But…. Something doesn’t feel right,” J’onn breathed suddenly, as another feeling of warning washed over him. He looked back down to Kara’s motionless form, scrutinizing every detail. She looked incredibly relaxed, as one does in sleep. But he was well aware that looks could be deceiving. “I can’t explain it, but-” J’onn could feel a headache forming at the back of his head, and it irked him to no end. It was just a feeling. But, then again, J’onn’s intuition rarely failed him. He was  usually correct.

“What do you mean?” Brainy questioned, as he finally looked up from his tablet and took a step closer. He met J’onn’s gaze, and stated in a calm voice, “Everything appears to be going exactly the way we hoped it would. Kara’s vitals have been textbook perfect.”

“Have they?” J’onn asked, as he pointedly looked over toward the main monitor in the room.

“Well, I suppose her heart-rate has been ticking upwards a little bit over the last several cycles,” Brainy admitted reluctantly, “but it’s still within normal limits.”

It just so happened that at that moment, Kara’s vitals started cycling again. They both listened to the whirr of the automated cuff, as it started inflating and tightening around Kara’s bicep. At that moment, J’onn’s eyes darted over to the instrument in order to observe it for a moment, before looking back to the large monitor in the room as he waited for the results.

“Her respirations are trending upwards, too,” J’onn noted aloud, as his brows furrowed together in unease. 

“Her end-tidal capnography readings are shifting, too,” Brainy observed. He looked as if he were contemplating what it all meant.

J’onn’s jaw clenched as he looked over towards Brainy. He was silently imploring Querl to see what he was seeing. He wanted him to feel the energy in the room that he himself was feeling. But he knows it with near certainty. Something is wrong .

“You’re right,” the look on Brainy’s face told J’onn all that he needed to know. He’s not imagining whatever is happening. “When is the last time you remember her being conscious and alert?” Brainy asked J’onn. 

“About a half an hour ago,” J’onn replied as he turned back to face Kara. 

“We should probably wake her,” Brainy recommended. “She’ll be able to tell us if anything seems amiss.” J’onn nodded. He carefully sat back down, and reached out for Kara’s hand.

He agreed with Brainy. It was about time that he woke her up.

“Kara?” J’onn’s voice was gentle as he carefully grasped her now fragile hand in his own, and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Hey, Kara?” They’re both all too aware that Kara was still completely motionless given the external stimulus. Kara doesn’t even twitch a muscle in response. 

J’onn quickly released Kara’s hand, and reached up to her shoulders, opting to try his luck there instead. He had to temper his strength as he gave them a gentle shake. J’onn’s stomach suddenly dropped, bottoming out under the weight of his dread. The bad feeling suddenly compounded itself, multiplying threefold as the seconds ticked by without any response.. 

“Keep trying,” Brainy ordered him, looking fully invested. He, too, looked uneasy now.

“Kara,” J’onn repeated again in an urgent, panicked voice, as he shook her again and again. “Kara, please ,” J’onn’s voice was nothing short of desperate as he looked helplessly over at Brainy. Kara was completely unresponsive to J’onn’s efforts to rouse her. Even her chest seemed to be barely rising and falling.

“She’s not responding,” J’onn spoke in disbelief. The words had only just escaped his lips, when the monitor started blaring an alarm somewhere behind them. Both of them quickly turned to find the results of the latest cycle.

“No!” Brainy bellowed out the word in disbelief. J’onn watched in shock as the Coluan tossed his tablet onto a nearby tray and rushed towards Kara. The previously green bold numbers are no longer green but are a different, much more foreboding shade of red. They were also substantially lower than they’d been before. She was decompensating.

Brainy wasted no time in placing his fingers to the pulse point of Kara’s neck.

“Her pulse is weak and thready,” Brainy breathed out. J’onn noted how his usually steady hands were trembling.

“Kara?!” J’onn found himself crying out, as he started a sternal rub, trying to get her to respond to him in any capacity that she was willing. At this point, he just needed to know she was alive.  This action, at least, earned J’onn a faint groan of discomfort. However, Kara still refused to open her eyes for them. “Stay with us, Kara,” J’onn begged her, as he tentatively reached up to her face.

“Her blood pressure is 62 over 40,” Brainy announced to the others, as multiple personnel came rushing in. They’d gone from 0 to 60 in no time at all. Chaos had taken over.

“What in the hell happened?” Nora asked them as she rushed in. She quickly addressed the alarms that are going off in the room, silencing most of them as she hit a yellow button on the monitor.

“I don’t know,” Brainy replied in a gruff voice. “J’onn noticed that her vitals were trending slightly downwards. And the next thing we know, she’s gone completely off of the cliff!”

The beeps of Kara’s pulse rate that were ringing out into the room. It was clear now, they were going much too fast to mean anything good. Her heart was racing. She was suddenly tachycardic, as her pulse rate accelerated in order to try and compensate for her suddenly tanking blood pressure.

“God damnit, her pressure is crashing,” Dr. Laurent Olivier found himself announcing, as he saw the numbers. “Nora, we need to get the defibrillator pads on her now! With her heart going this fast, it won’t take much for her to go into a higher degree of V-tach or V-fib. Her heart could stop.”

“Already on it, Sir,” Nora responded, as she quickly ripped open the sealed packaging, pulling out a pair of defibrillator pads. J’onn found himself looking away, as the nurse quickly tugged up the fabric of Kara’s shirt. Her movements were practiced, as she quickly stuck the pads to Kara’s chest in the appropriate locations. She then quickly grabbed the wires and plugged them into the appropriate outlet on the monitor. “Pads are in place, and set, Sir,” She confirmed.

“What’s happening?” J’onn asked the Doctor, hoping the other man might have some more answers.. J’onn’s voice sounded gruff and scared, in a way that he wasn’t used to. He couldn’t help but hate how weak it made him seem. After all, J’onn liked to think that he could keep his cool even under the worst of circumstances. But in this instance, he feels like he’s losing it. He had thought they were in the clear. And now? Now he was currently watching Kara circle the drain. It didn’t seem fair. He was angry and scared. But mostly? Mostly he was just helpless. He didn’t have much medical knowledge. He didn’t know how one treated or responded to situations such as this. He wanted more than anything to help, to save Kara, but he could only stand by and watch the others work.

“I don’t know,” Dr. Olivier responded. His words were truthful despite knowing that it wouldn’t be what J’onn wanted to hear. J’onn looked on helplessly as Laurent frantically grabbed a bag of fluid, and tore the outer packaging open with his teeth.

“You don’t know!?” J’onn couldn’t help but sound incredulous at the response. He had to check his anger. But he was so wound up with emotion, it was hard to control. J’onn didn’t know what to do to help. It was making it really hard not to lash out at everyone.

“Her blood pressure crashing like this is bad . I know that much ,” Laurent answered J’onn in a stressed voice of his own, “But I don’t know what it is that’s causing it. My gut tells me that it could be a form of shock… possibly due to internal bleeding, but I need more evidence in order to pinpoint the cause.”

 J’onn watched on in a state of complete fascination, as the sure-handed Doctor ripped open the appropriate drip set (again with his teeth), pulled out the tubing, connected it to the bag of saline, and unclamped it. Thus, allowing the lactated ringers to start flowing down the tubing. Once he had primed the tubing, Laurent quickly connected it to Kara’s I.V. His efforts were practiced and confident, as if he’d done it countless times before.

Once he was finished, Laurent slid the bag of fluid into a pressurized sleeve, and quickly inflated the cuff to squeeze the bag so that it started to drip faster into the drip chamber.

“I’m hoping the fluid bolus will drive up her pressure, but it’ll only be temporary and we’re already behind the curve,” Laurent spoke, as he quickly glanced around the room. “We need to figure out what's causing her pressure to drop. If it is internal bleeding, we need to know where she’s bleeding from.” 

“We don’t have the time to investigate,” Hammond said brusquely, as he rushed in with something in his hand. The man sounded out of breath, as if he’d just run a wind-sprint. And J’onn could only suppose that maybe he had. He wasn’t sure where Dr. Hammond had come from. But based on the medications clutched in his hand, J’onn could only surmise that he might have come from the Pharmacy, which was on the other end of the facility. (It seemed like poor planning on somebody’s part.) “She’s in severe distress. We need to get her started on these Vaso-pressors, and fluid replacement immediately.” Then. “Where are we at?”

“The fluid bolus is already running,” Laurent answered him, “I’m about to call the Pharmacy to see if we can get any blood running. But I don’t know if we have any of hers left in storage.” He forced himself to take a deep breath, before he said, “I hope to God that we do, though, because she’s going to need it!”

“I’m getting some blood for the Lab, now,” Nora announced to the rest of the team as she grabbed everything necessary to draw Kara’s blood, and went about the task. “We need to know what her Hemoglobin levels are at.”

“Crap,” Laurent hissed, as he roughly brushed some sweat from his forehead with the back of the sleeve of his white lab coat. ”If she’s losing red blood cells-” He left the rest of the thought unfinished. But he doesn’t exactly need to finish it. Even with his lack of medical knowledge, J’onn was able to pick up on the sentiment. If Kara was losing red blood cells, or if her hemoglobin levels were low, it would be very, very bad for Kara’s chances of survival. It was a critically important matter.

“Alright,” Hammond exhaled, “I’ll get the Vaso-pressors going. We need to try and minimize the damage until we can get some more definitive answers.”

“Is this from the serum?” J’onn asked Brainy, as he turned back to face the man.  Brainy looked nothing short of rattled by everything that was going on. J’onn watched as he picked the tablet up in his hands and frantically started typing away at it, like a man possessed. 

“I… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…” Brainy swallowed. There was an audible sound, as Brainy swallowed roughly. He looked haunted, as he glanced up and met J’onn’s gaze, “I don’t know.”

“If it is due to the serum, Lena is never going to forgive herself,” J’onn stated. He tried to hide his sudden agitation by  roughly scrubbing a hand over his face. He didn’t need anyone to tell him how bad it would be, if the cause of this particular crisis came back to the serum. J’onn knew what it would do to Lena.

“We still have no reason to believe that it is,” Brainy argued, as he continued frantically sifting through data. His fingers were moving so fast over the glass, that it was a bit of a wonder. “I just can’t say with absolute certainty that it didn’t factor into this somehow.”

“Her last lab results indicated a potential issue. But-” Brainy cut himself off.

“But, what?” J’onn pressed the issue. He needed answers, and he needed them now.

“We just didn’t catch it,” Brainy looked at J’onn with a helplessly guilty expression on his face. “Sprock, how did we miss this?” His expression told J’onn all that he needed to know about the matter. But Brainy wasn’t done condemning them all. “Her blood counts were trending in a troubling direction. We never should have given her the serum.”

“For all we know, she would still be spiraling anyway,” J’onn said with a demoralized shake of his head. He doesn’t want to believe it, though.

“Do the others know what is happening?” J’onn asked finally. But he should have known that he needn’t have asked. 

At that exact moment, J’onn’s phone started going off in his pocket. And…at the same time, the tablet in Brainy’s hand started going off simultaneously.

“I’ll get it,” J’onn told him, as he pulled the phone out of his pocket. Brainy quickly silenced the tablet in his hand, rejecting the call as he continued to work.

“Hey, Alex,” J’onn’s voice was rough, but calm as he answered. It was a calmness that he didn't feel. Because the truth is? On the inside he was absolutely falling to pieces. Kara… His daughter was dying.

“J’onn,” Alex, too, sounds unbelievably scared and bereft, “What on Earth is going on? What’s happening?”

J’onn’s attention is pulled away from Alex’s voice on the phone and is refocused on the center of the room, as Kara starts coughing violently. Without much thought at all, J’onn set the phone down on the tray next to him, and went rushing towards Kara’s struggling form. He found himself acting in a sort of auto-pilot, as her entire body shook violently with coughs. He felt horror, as her mouth opened and blood started to trickle from her mouth. His eyes were wide as he dropped down on the stool next to the bed. He was forced to hold her down, in order to prevent her from falling off of the bed.

“I need a towel, Please!” J’onn shouted. Dahlia quickly rushed forwards with a washcloth and a towel clutched in her hands. His expression was grateful as he took them from her hands.

“Oh, Kara,” J’onn couldn’t help but cry out, as he reached up to wipe the blood away with a tender touch. “Please don’t do this . Don’t do this to us. Not now . Not after we’ve made it this far. Please .”

“We need to know where she’s bleeding from,” Dr. Olivier rehashed the need from earlier.. 

“Imaging isn’t really an option right now,” Dr. Hammond responded. “She’s not stable enough for us to move her. And even if we were able to find the source of the bleed, I’m not sure how we would fix it. She’s not stable enough for surgery.”

“We have to know one way or another,” Laurent found himself arguing back, “We also need to come up with alternative solutions. If we can’t stop the hemorrhaging, then we’re going to wind up fighting a losing battle.” 

“I’m looking at the data,” Brainy piped up, drawing everyone’s attention in the room. “For Kara’s body to have responded like this, the damage to her cells must have been more substantial than we thought,” Brainy said, as he looked up from the tablet. “Based on her latest lab results, there’s reason to believe that her cells are lysing. She’s hit a critical tipping point. That’s why she’s in hypovolemic shock.”

“Lysing?” J’onn couldn’t help but feel confused. He had no idea what this particular word or “term” meant.

“It’s called cytolysis. Her cells are essentially exploding due to damage in the cellular membranes caused by the radiation,” Brainy explains, “They’re bursting themselves apart.” He had a pensive look on his face, as he paused for just a moment. “The good news is, I don’t think that the serum had anything to do with this. Lena specifically designed the serum to be isotonic so that there would be no fluid movement in or out of the cells, and thus, no added stress on them. This was always going to happen either way.” 

Brainy shook his head in a dejected manner, “From the second we gave her the Kryptonite and took away her powers, we started a Doomsday clock. We just didn’t know we’d done it.”

“How so?”

“Well, her Super-healing ability was the only thing keeping this from happening,” Brainy replied. “And now that we’ve taken that away, her cells have no way to counter the damage.”

“Is it going to kill her?” J’onn couldn’t help but ask in a suddenly tremulous voice. 

“If we can’t find a way to stop it?” Brainy gulped audibly, “Yes. Yes, I dare to say that it’s going to kill her.” Brainy looked undeniably guilty as he said, “This is a monster of our own making.”

“Querl,” J’onn looked sympathetic as he made eye contact with his friend.

“This is my fault, J’onn,” Brainy swallowed thickly, “I should have known this was going to happen.” J’onn watched helplessly as Brainy sank down into a nearby chair. There was a crestfallen expression on his face, as he looked down at the tablet in his hands. “I knew that once we administered the Kryptonite, that she would be more susceptible. But I didn't realize her cells would self-destruct quite this quickly. There is a lot of damage.”

“Hey, we’re going to figure this out,” J’onn tried to reassure him. “Okay, Querl?” 

“We… We need to buy ourselves time,” Dr. Hammond interjected. “The Vaso-pressors are going, but I don’t know how long we'll be able to hold the status quo. We need to figure out a way to stop the bleeding.

“What about TXA?” Dr. Olivier offered, as he turned to look at Dr. Hammond. 

“What’s TXA?” J’onn questioned, as he looked around the room.

“It’s a medicine that aids the body in forming clots to stop bleeding,” Dahlia explained with a gentle, reassuring touch to J’onn’s forearm. “It’s typically used in cases where there’s severe trauma or bleeding that can’t be easily stopped. It carries lots of risks, though, so we don’t like using it unless we absolutely have to.”

“What kinds of risks?” J’onn asked her, as he met her violet-shaded eyes.

“Heart attacks and strokes are the major ones,” Dahlia replied in answer. “Clots can cause major ischemic damage if they form and migrate to a place that they shouldn’t be.”

“I don’t know if the risks are worth it,” J’onn verbalized his doubts. “I’m pretty sure Kara wouldn’t want to risk a stroke or a heart attack.”

It’s then that he was able to pick up on the altogether loud and yet somehow faint screeching coming from the phone. J’onn had completely forgotten all about it. He’d been so consumed by his concern for Kara that he had completely forgotten that he’d set it down.

“Oh no,” J’onn breathed, as he quickly jumped up from the stool and rushed over the phone, before plucking it off of the tray and lifting it back to his ear. He had to quickly pull it away again, however, as the volume of Alex’s shouts made his ears ring.

“Alex?!” J’onn’s voice was nothing short of apologetical as he says, “Alex, I’m so sorry.”

“Just tell me what’s happening,” Alex pleaded with him, “Her vitals are all over the place, J’onn. Everyone here is losing their minds!”

“I know. I need you to listen very carefully to me,” J’onn tried to respond. His words came out with a bit of a quaver in them. He was breathless, as he said, “Something has gone wrong, but we’re doing everything to stabilize her. Dr. Olivier and Dr. Hammond, are just trying to buy us some more time so that we can figure things out.”

“What do you mean? What's wrong with her?! I need more information than that.” Alex seemed to be freaked out by everything that was going on. She was talking a mile a minute, rambling on and on as she frantically paced back and forth a quarter of a world away from the action. J’onn had to be strategic in order to get a word in edgewise.

“Her blood pressure has crashed,” J’onn explained in an even voice, trying to be the calm in the center of the storm.“ Brainy thinks she’s in something called Hypovolemic shock. Her cells are bursting apart due to damage or weaknesses in the cellular membrane. It’s causing massive internal bleeding. The blood loss has caused her to go into Hypovolemic shock. We’re trying to keep her pressure up, but at the moment it’s hard to do.”

“We need to get the nanites working,” Brainy nearly shouted, startling J’onn as he suddenly grabbed the phone straight out of J’onn’s hand. “Alex, we need to change our plans. Tell Ray Palmer that we need him to reprogram some of the nanites for cellular repair. And we need him to do it quickly! It’s the best chance that we have of saving Kara.”

“I’ll get him,” J’onn heard Alex reply on the other end of the phone. They could hear her shouting orders on the other end of the line, as she battled her way through an unseen crowd. There was a commotion as Alex knocked into multiple people along the way to find Ray.

“Ray!” They both jumped a bit as they heard her shout. The next thing they knew, they heard Ray’s voice over the other end of the phone. Brainy immediately started explaining everything to Ray over the phone. He explained why they needed Ray to reprogram some of the nanites. Brainy stressed over and over again how vital it was that Ray do it all quickly. (Kara may only have a few hours left). Luckily, Ray seemed to think it was possible. He seemed confident that he could do it in a timely manner. J’onn felt suddenly relieved. It seemed like they already had a new plan of attack. They just needed Kara to hang on until they could implement it.

J’onn moved back to Kara’s bedside, and sat down with a levied breath. His body collapsed into itself as he sank down onto the stool. The big, bold numbers on the monitor were getting slightly better, but they still weren’t anywhere close to where they needed to be. Whatever Laurent and Ignatius were doing to buy them time, seemed to be working. But J’onn just didn’t know how much time they had left. 

“You’re not alone,” J’onn found himself promising Kara under his breath, as he tuned out all of the other ensuing chaos in the room and reached out to Kara with his mind. “I’m here with you,” he told Kara, while silently willing her to feel his presence. He needed her to feel the comfort he was trying to give her. “I’m right here,” he told her in a thick voice. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Come on, Kara,” he whispered to her, as he scooched closer to her and grabbed her hand with his own. He pulled her hand to his lips with certain gentleness. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to the cold, almost icy skin as he lifted up a silent prayer. 

Kara’s only response to all of this, was to cough violently again. It caused more frothy blood to dribble from her lips. J’onn couldn’t be sure whether the blood was coming from her G.I. tract, or her lungs, but the fact of the matter was that it didn’t make one bit of difference. She was dying either way. 

J’onn quickly and gently released her hand, grabbed the washcloth from the tray next to him, and carefully wiped the blood away from her mouth. As J’onn examined her face afterwards, he couldn’t help but note the thin sheen of sweat on her brow,  and grabbed the towel from her lap. Kara was now soaked in a cold sweat, and was starting to shiver a little bit because of it. Dahlia looked on, as J’onn tenderly lifted the towel to her face, and began to dab away the excess moisture from her face and neck.

“They’re working on a solution,” J’onn told Kara in a calm fatherly voice, “You just have to hang on for a little longer.” He sighed. He was so tired now, and was barely holding himself together. “Please,” he found himself begging her in a shattered, devastated voice, “We didn’t come this far only to lose you now. You have to keep fighting for us. Please . Please, Kara, I’m begging you.”

…….

The Cafeteria was nearly deserted by the time Lena walked inside. She actually had to double check the hours posted by the door in order to make sure that they were still open, because it was so quiet inside. It made her think that they might be closed, or about to close. She didn’t want to be that person who walked in just before close, and held things up when people were just trying to close things up. Fortunately, they were still open.

Lena briskly walked to the Café located in the back corner of the area. The Barista seemed to be busy cleaning up the area behind the counter, and so he didn’t notice Lena right away. 

Lena didn’t want to be a bother. She didn’t even know what she wanted just yet. And so, she just let him work. She didn’t make a sound as she relaxed her posture, and glanced at the menu board.

Lena quietly wrung her hands as she looked at the menu. She normally would have gone for a medium or dark roast black coffee, but she was feeling particularly exhausted this morning and knew that she was in need of some extra caffeine this morning. That likely meant that she’d be getting a cappuccino or a latte. The problem is she didn’t know which one she wanted. There were so many options. She could go for an Americano since that was one of her favorites. But maybe, just maybe, she was in the mood to try something different.

“Lena!” The familiar voice had Lena quickly glancing down from the board, in order to meet Landon’s friendly face. He had a wide smile on his face, as if the very sight of her had brightened his day. She knew that he was just doing his job, but it meant a lot to her that he seemed happy to see her. She’d made friends with him on her first day there. He’d joked that with Lena’s coffee addiction, that he didn’t really need any other customers. It seemed plausible, since Lena could probably single-handedly keep him in business. Between the amount of coffee she got, and the very generous tips she left, there was no way he was hurting for business.