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Charlie and Neil were curled up in the former's bed, Neil’s body curled around his own, silence slowly seeping in. The only sound was two boys breathing slowly, and even that was quiet. As he laid there, Charlie ran his hand through Neil’s hair, feeling the softness and the warmth. All Charlie could smell was the terrible hair gel that Neil used. He smiled at the familiarity. It smelled like Neil; calming, like a safe haven. Charlie felt at home here, with Neil. He felt warmth he didn’t usually feel. He wasn’t sure whether it was the adrenaline or the hormones, but he’d felt that rush before. It wasn’t the usual mania. It didn’t come with the usual feeling of invincibility, of power. It definitely wasn’t that. It just felt safe. Charlie frowned as Neil’s head shifted off of him. Feeling the sudden lack of weight, he turned to face Neil.
“You okay, Neil?” Charlie said. Neil looked away, seemingly staring at the wall.
“I’m fine.” Charlie rolled his eyes.
“Right, of course, you’re fine. It usually takes you longer than five minutes to get sick of me after hooking up.” Charlie chuckled. Then he considered the possibility. “Is your dad giving you trouble again?”
The blankets rustled as Neil rolled onto his back, arms crossed over his chest, looking at the ceiling, still not looking at Charlie. “No. For once, it’s not him. Just me.”
“If it’s about you being gay, I think we know this already.”
“Huh. Guess we know that.” The two laughed.
Silence filled the room once again as Neil sat up and climbed out of the bed, searching for his pants, wherever on earth he put them, in the minutes before ending up on the bed, laying under Charlie as they… that didn’t matter now. Neil looked up to see Charlie vaguely gesturing to the corner, near the door. Neil picked up his pants, reversing their inside-out-ness, and put them on before resuming the conversation. Neil looked for his shirt, which was a couple of feet away from his pants, and tugged it over his head. He paced the room for a few seconds, eyes looking down. Well, this was different. Usually took him longer to do that. Definitely not ten minutes.
“Can you handle serious conversation right now?” Neil sat down on the bed, fiddling with the sleeves on his sweater.
“Serious is my middle name.”
“Not kidding,” Neil said, looking Charlie in the eyes for what was probably the first time all night.
“Wouldn’t have guessed you were.” Charlie sat up, leaning against the pillow behind him.
“How long…? How long have we been doing this?”
“It’s been a few months. Why are you asking?” Neil put his feet up on the bed, tucking his arm around Charlie as if to keep the boy from running away.
“We should stop.” Charlie tensed.
“Stop what? This?”
“Us.” Neil paused. “This.” He gestured at the room with the arm not holding on to Charlie to keep him from bolting. Charlie tensed under the touch as Neil held him tighter. What was the point of being nice about this when one of them was just going to get hurt?
“Aw, breaking up with me, aren’t you?” He tried to keep his tone light, teasing. As long as he could pretend there were no hard feelings, he’d be fine.
“You being like this is part of it.”
“Oh, Neil. I thought I was being a sweetheart. Is that the only reason?”
“I guess… there’s someone I like.” Charlie felt a tug in his chest.
“Let me guess, you like the new boy, don’t you?” Who else could it be? Charlie’s not blind, he sees the way Neil looks at the guy.
“I like Todd. It feels good to finally say that!” The pure joy in Neil’s voice made it obvious how true that was. Neil looked at Charlie, and he wasn’t sure if it hurt more or less seeing the care in his eyes. “Is that okay?”
“Perfectly fine.” You stupid fuck it isn’t fine. “This was no strings attached from the start. I love you, but not like that.” If only that was the truth.
“Okay. I thought I’d ask you.” A beat of silence. “Are we okay, Charlie?”
“Of course.”
For the first time in a while, things felt temporary. For the first time in his life, Charlie wasn’t sure that was what he wanted.