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Chapter Text

It wasn't my fault, was it?

It's a constant thought that coursed through your head as you dug through your messy room for a specific book—a specific photo album, to be exact. As you stood balanced on stacked objects searching your dusty top shelf, thoughts about the past week had plagued your mind. First it was a fight; you said something dumb like you always do and your friend got mad at you and now he wont talk to you. But you're not shocked, if anything, you're shocked it hadn't happened sooner. Tom was so much better than you, really—why he stuck around someone like you was a mystery. But it seemed like you wouldn't have to wonder that anymore.

When you find the photo album and dust it off, you carefully climb down to the floor.

Next Matt came over, like, yesterday. Maybe before that. He yelled at you for not coming to school for almost a whole week, and saying how mad your parents will be when they come back.

"Not like they'll be back anytime soon," you had bitterly replied. They probably wouldn't notice.

Matt accused you of being sad that you and Tom got in a fight and that Tom won't talk to you, and that's why you're not coming to school. You said no. He asked why then. You didn't tell him. He got frustrated and called you a dumb ass. He told you friends fight, get over it, stop moping around like you're a victim of something. You yelled at him. You're not a victim. You tell him to get the fuck out. Now.

Matt hasn't texted or talked to you since. He probably hates you too. You're so unlikable.

The berating thoughts keep coursing through your mind as you open up the photo album. It's all old pictures your parents took of you, back when they didn't have to worry about work and were around more often. Back when you were happy. Back when they probably loved you more. There were pictures of you when you were a baby—embarrassing pictures, obviously. The kind that'd get shown to your friends without permission. Then there's some from early schooldays. Damn, you looked so much different back then. A lot of them were with another kid, your childhood best friend. Of course, that was a long time ago. There were some more pictures, some of them had Matt in them. You two had been close for the longest time, but not as close as that other kid. Your childhood friend. Coincidentally, or perhaps not, the pictures end around early high school when you stopped being friends with your former best friend. 

You hadn't realized it, but your breath was shaking a bit, and you felt like your were about to cry. You had to scream in your head, over and over,

I am not a victim.

Edd still neglected to attend school, even when it was the second week since his first absence. Of course, Matt had started texting him again in his usual passive aggressive and/or condescending style. Maybe it's for the best if you two weren't friends. He's such a know-it-all jerk anyway, why do you hang around him?

He tossed around the idea in his head a bit as he had the phone in his hands. Maybe he should text him "I don't want to be your friend anymore," and get the inevitable over with. At least being the initiative made him feel like he had control here. Maybe he should do the same with Tom, if not just for Tom's sake. Then again, Tom had probably silently cut ties with him. He hadn't heard word in over a week or two. He hates you. Definitely.

But Edd knew he was too scared to do that. He just powered off his phone. 

His mind goes blank not long after when he's in the bathroom. Thoughts cross his head—a lot of terrible thoughts. It was an idea he had for a long time but now that he had seemingly nothing to live for, it felt only appropriate to carry it out. Nobody could stop him, and there was nothing worth stopping for. There was a lake, right? A lake somewhere down his road? He was pretty sure there was. He remembered playing with Tom by that lake. But who cares about that. Tom didn't anymore, neither should he.

After Edd had reached a conclusion to his thoughts and the stinging pain and dripping blood down his arms screamed for an end to the intense self-abuse, Edd went back to his room and slept until nighttime.

Edd hated the night, especially February nights. There wasn't any snow but it sure as hell was cold; despite this he wore no jacket, only boots and his hoodie. The boots, practically, were unnecessary. The only purpose they served for him were as an anchor to way him down to the bottom of the lake and make struggling harder. He did have some doubts as he walked down the barren road, however. He didn't write any sort of farewell note—he didn't think there was much to say. At least, not much worth saying. Plus, he was scared. What happens when you die? Where do you go? What would happen to him? It felt selfish, but he also wondered if his friends and family would care or notice he were gone. Would they be sad? Does he want them to feel sad?

He didn't know.

But he did know his time was running out as the unmistakable glitter of the moon against the lake revealed itself as he passed a few trees. It was in an open field, leaving his gaze open to several houses in the distance. None of their lights were on, and it was dead middle of the night. No one should be awake. No one would see him do this, and that was for the best.

Before he was hasty, however, Edd sat down at the edge of the lake and stuck his legs in. The water was cold. Really, really cold. He gritted his teeth and curled his nails into the soft earth beneath him to keep from pulling them out instinctively. He tried to ignore the frigid waters as he enjoyed the beautiful view of surrounding trees and the bright moon reflecting into the water. It was truly beautiful, it felt magical. It reminded him of how he would look at the moon in the night sky when no one was awake, feeling so enchanted. For those few seconds he believed in things like adventure and mythology and magic, because that's the feeling the moon gave him. He never felt alone during those times, he just felt at peace.

Yet, for as emotional as this was, Edd couldn't cry or even feel sad. He just felt hollow. Yes, deep down, he knew he'd miss all of this. He'd miss nature and his family and his friends who probably hate him—he'd miss it. But he only knew he'd miss it. He didn't feel it. He couldn't feel much right now, if it all. 

He took a few deep breathes to prepare himself. He knew this was scary and it'd be very painful, but it'd be over soon. He nudged himself forward a few times with the intention to fall into the dark waters, but he hesitated, causing himself to curse under his breathe for his cowardice. After one last deep breath, he forced himself in. He kept his eyes shut and his body tense but unmoving, even if the ice cold water basically made his entire body scream at him to resist it. The pain was unfathomable, and became more torturous second after second the more he needed to breathe. Still, he held his breath for as long as he could, even if the pain was excruciating and forced his eyes open. After holding his breath for so long and his vision starting to black out, he must have panicked. He felt his arms flail against his will and him breathe in water involuntarily, causing him to choke. Now it wasn't a matter of him holding his breath anymore, he literally couldn't breathe. His legs didn't move, and in fact, the water was so cold he could barely feel and move his arms. The pain was scathing and terrifying, his chest felt like it burned and was tightening around his lungs. His mind was shouting incoherent nonsense and he weakly struggled against his fading conscious until his vision was fading as well.

When something akin to a stereotypical "white light" filled his vision, Edd just assumed he was entering Heaven, or something of the sort. He didn't expect to be furiously jerked awake in half a second by violently coughing up an abundance of water, which probably lasted for a few minutes. Even after the coughing fit, he had to clear his throat and still coughed time to time trying to take in small breaths.

But, what was going on?

He was disoriented, confused, and could barely lift himself up. After a few more seconds he could remember blacking out, but that's it. All he knew was that he should be dead. But he wasn't. Why wasn't he?

Before he could think of trying to find the answer himself, a voice made itself present, simply saying "hey there," which was enough to scare Edd into another sudden coughing fit.

"Sorry," the person who he could now identify said. He was dressed pretty casually, had short black hair, and was...translucent. And had a slight luminosity to him. But above all, most noticeably, he had a halo. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"What..." Edd quietly mumbled, but didn't bother saying anything—not at the moment, at least. His lungs and chest in general hurt way too much.

"I know you're probably confused. But you're not dead, or crazy. I just dragged you out of the water," the man said, gesturing over to the lake a few feet away now. "So, you know, you wouldn't die and all."

In response, or lack thereof, Edd just stared blankly at the man. He looked down at his still water-soaked clothing. Well, everything about him was soaked in water, but with his clothing uncomfortably sticking to his skin it was more noticeable.

"You should probably get home—I can help you there," the man commented as he saw Edd grab at his soaked hoodie. "I had to heat up your body temperature to a low-grade fever to keep you from getting hypothermia, but it should wear off soon...I think. I can't remember if it goes away on it's own...Oh well, you'll find out."

"How—" Edd weakly coughed, taking in a smaller breath. "How the hell did you do that?"

"Oh, right, shit, I forgot to introduce myself," the man thought aloud, before quickly retracting his statement. "I mean, uh, I didn't mean to swear. I'm not supposed to swear around kids."

"I don't fucking care," Edd flatly replied.

"Oh. Well alright," he chuckled. "I'm your Guardian Angel, Edd. My job is to watch over you and protect you from, well, dying. Hence why I'm here right now!" The angel spoke with a smile. "It's kind of like the real life equivalent of a deus ex machina. Or...perhaps an extra life. A "1Up" if you will—I'm not too sure what that is, really, I just hear you say it and I think I know what it means."

Edd stared, stricken with silence from how bizarre this generally was. An angel? Angels were real? And one was talking to him? He couldn't tell if he was dreaming, dead, or hallucinating. Still, being disconnected from reality with still recovering from almost dying, he replied rather casually. "You talk a lot," Edd said back, wrapping his arms around himself. "Are angels this chatty?"

"No, not all. This is just my first time meeting you, so I'm excited. It's a big privilege for Guardian Angels to meet those their assigned to protect in situations unrelated to obtaining your wings."

Edd made a hum in acknowledgment, even if he barely understood what the angel was saying (if only due to how out of it he was). After a bit of time spent grounding himself and thinking over what was going on did he sigh. "I appreciate it, uh, guardian, but there wasn't much point in saving me, I was trying to die." Edd cringed a bit as he said this, feeling awkward for even having to bring it up.

"How old are you?" the angel suddenly asked, to which Edd responded with "sixteen."

"Sixteen is a really young age to decide something this heavy, isn't it? It's your life, after all."

"Yeah, but..." Edd sighed reluctantly. "I just don't want to live, okay? I've made up my mind already." He looked down, feeling ashamed of himself for speaking of this aloud. He was terrible with his feelings. He could barely tell anyone how he felt, let alone his fears and how deeply suicidal he was. It made him feel weak and he just rather keep quiet about it, he found it easier. But, of course, he angel frowned at this response.

"I'm your Guardian Angel, so of course this statement is biased, but I really don't think you should do that," he told.

"I don't care. Adults always say that shit. It's my life so I can do what I want," Edd bitterly snapped back.

"True. No one can stop you, but that doesn't mean it's right," the angel responded. "It's your life and you can do what you want with it. And with that you should do whatever makes you happy and free. Even if that thing is illegal, I really don't care. You have one shot, you might as well do everything you've ever wanted before throwing it away, right?"

"But nothing makes me happy! Everyone hates me and every day is painful! I don't deserve to live and I don't want to live!" Edd answered back angrily, tears running down his cheeks. He wiped his face with his wet hoodie sleeve, even if it just made his face more wet.

"Does everyone hate you, or do you just assume that?" The angel asked, to which Edd didn't reply. He didn't have an answer, so the angel continued. "If everyday is painful, change it. It's not easy. Change your entire life, if you have to. Maybe you can't do it alone. Maybe you just need help."

Edd choked back a sob. "But I don't want help! I don't want to talk to somebody, I can't do that. It's pathetic and I can barely talk to myself."

"It's not pathetic. It's just a will to survive," the angel explained. "Whatever you're struggling with is a beast trying to kill you, and just by talking to me right now is you asking for anything to fight back with, even if it's just a stick. You've been fighting this all-mighty beast for ages, it's beaten you up and tried to kill you, it all seems hopeless, and yet you don't give in. Instead, you ask for anything. Even if it's just a stick. Because you aren't dying by the maw of a beast," the angel paused then chuckle a bit. "It might seem like a stupidly complex scenario but that's what this is. Your situation seems like it has no hope, that there's nothing, and yet you still ask for a tiny stick to continue your battle. There's nothing pitiful about that—only raw courage."

Edd's breath was shaking as he stared at his Guardian angel, he listened intently to every word, almost shaping a silent film in his head. silent sobs racked his body as tears dripped down his face as he kept listening, and he didn't even realize it until the angel had finished talking. the words were repeating in his mind, only causing the steady flow of tears to continue. It wasn't pitiful, he wasn't a victim.

"Edd, there's many reasons to continue on right now and for the future. I would know, I'm your Guardian Angel after all," the angel winked. "And I know you'll see that too."

Edd sucked in another cold, shaky breath through his open mouth. Before he could say anything back, however, his Guardian Angel was gone in the blink of an eye. He blinked a few more times, shocked and wide-eyed. He was left wondering what just happened, wondering if any of that was real. But if it wasn't his angel, nobody else could have saved his life.

He was still baffled by the whole thing, he stood up and looked at the lake, the moon still glistening against the dark waters. He stared, not just because of how beautiful it was, but because he was still processing all of what he saw. All of what was said to him. Somehow, after that, the moon felt different. The water felt different. Maybe it was because he had almost just died, and the slow realization that he should be dead right now came over him. Or maybe it was from seeing a literal angel. He needed a lot of time to not only think about that, but think about himself. He sat back down, staring at his reflecting in the water. Was he has bad as he thought he was? Did he deserve to live? Did everyone hate him? Did he truly, sincerely want to die? He had so many questions, all of which weighed heavy on his heart. He cried. He cried so fucking hard for the first time in a while. He could've died. How would his parents feel? How would his friends feel? He wouldn't get to draw anymore, or enjoy the simple pleasures of drinking cola and leaving school early, he wouldn't get to see such a beautiful sight like this lake.

He must've been there for a long time, longer than he intended. He didn't know how much time had passed between him almost drowning and now, but long enough he supposed. He heard some footsteps, which made both his crying and breathing hitch, and forcibly stopped himself from crying anymore. Whoever was walking near him could tell Edd had notice they were there, to which the footsteps seems to become less stealthy and more casual.

"Uh, hey," the voice was way too familiar to Edd, and before the person sat down next to him, he could already tell that it was Tom.

"I saw you out here since my house is...well, across from here so..." Tom awkwardly explained, knowing full well he hadn't talked to the other for a long time. He sighed. "I guess I should really ap—"

Edd didn't let Tom finish his sentence before embracing the other in a tight hug, despite the fact his clothes were still damp. To add, his light crying didn't help with keeping Tom's clothes dry, either. "Tom I—I'm really, really sorry about everything. Please—I hope you don't hate me," he quickly choked out through tears.

"What? I—Edd, I could never hate you. I'm sorry I ignored you for so long," Tom replied softly with a guilty inflection, hugging his friend back. "Also...why are you wet?"

"I, uh," Edd sniffed, trying to calm himself. "I fell into the lake."

Tom scoffed. "Watch where you're going, dude," he replied warmly, which only caused Edd to hug him a bit tighter.

Even after they stopped hugging, neither of them got up. They just stayed silent and enjoyed each other's company and sat close to one another as the night sky slowly paled into a blue dawn. Tom smiled, looking at the beautiful, still lake. 

"Are you coming to school today?" He asked.

"Yeah," Edd replied.

"Cool. I really missed you while you were gone."

"Really? You missed me?" Edd asked, followed by a chuckle as if Tom's statement was silly, or even absurd.

"Of course," Tom replied with a shy smile. "School's kind of boring without you, anyway."

Edd blinked, genuinely surprised by Tom's reply before his joking grin fell into that of a warm, sincere smile. He knew he should really get home and rest, but right now, he just wanted to watch the sunrise with his friend.

Chapter Text

School was weird.

Well, that should be rephrased. Going to school felt weird.

After drying off at his house and lying in his bed staring blankly at his wall for a few dozen minutes, Edd was heading off to school.

It felt surreal, everything felt surreal.

It felt like he had lived two days in one—he had been saved by a literal angel and now he was going to school as if nothing happened. As if he wasn't suppose to be dead right now. As if he hadn't tried to kill himself at all. He felt a pang of guilt among other mixed feelings when he saw his friends. The ones who he shouldn't be seeing right now. They all talked to him like normal, like he hadn't been absent for weeks. Was this a dream? Nothing about this felt right; were they too scared to ask what happened? Or, did they never notice he was missing in the first place?

The deep pit of emptiness and sorrow in Edd's stomach told him he didn't want an answer to that.

Surely, an angel can never be wrong, Edd told himself. My life is worth living...that's what he told me.

"Would he lie to me?" Edd asked aloud, his voice barley a whisper carried off into the night's wind. He stood there in front of the open window, basking in the moonlight. Along with it he looked down at his arms. The moonlight glistened against the several red streaks that tore the flesh along the top of his bare arm. His arm in general was littered with self-inflected scars, but the most recent ones stood out the most with their ominously dark red coloration. He gently traced a finger over the cut, pulling away to see a light splotch of blood sparkle against his finger. It was barley noticeable, though. If he wasn't straining to see it in the moonlight, he wouldn't have saw it at all.

Even if the magical rays of the moonlight made him feel less alone, he couldn't ward off the feeling of emptiness. A part of him regretted following the angel's ways. It would have been better for him to die. Not just for everyone, but for himself. Life was so dull, tedious, monotonous...it was the same everyday. The same unfulfilling, cruel reality. He didn't want to walk this earth anymore and yet here he was. Standing. Alive.

It was the right thing to do, a voice echoed through his head. Not the easy thing to do.

the thought made him bite his lip. What if his friends found out? What if they found out he tried to kill himself? That he still considered it? What if they saw his arm, and all the disgusting wounds that covered it? 

He could almost imagine Matt saying something snarky to him about it. Suicide is a coward's way out, get a grip, he'd tell him with a smirk. People are dying in other countries and you want to take your own life because you're sad?  He'd surely laugh. Get over it, Latchkey kid! 

"No! Matt would never say any of that to me!" Edd hissed out to nobody but himself, tears dripping down his face and onto the carpet.

Then tell him yourself. See how he takes it, the voice in his head prompted. 

I can't!

You're scared it'll verify what you so desperately don't want to believe, his thoughts told him. No matter how it goes down, it doesn't change the fact you're acting like a victim.

Edd slumped down against the cold wall, quietly hugging his legs to his chest with his aching arm and sobbing. Why do nights always have to end like this? Why couldn't he be happy? He never felt happy. He just felt lonely and trapped. 

Where was his mom? Where was his dad? Why were they never there for him? 

Edd winced as the memory of his old best friend flashed in his mind. Why was he never there for himself?

You're acting like a victim again.

"So what if I am?" Edd sniffed aloud, shakily lying down against the shaggy carpet. "So what if I'm acting like a victim? What if I am a victim? What does it matter? It doesn't make a difference anymore."

He closed his eyes, sniffling as tears slid down his already wet face. Even with his eyes closed, he could see the light of the moon peer through them. He imagined many thoughts, he imagined a world where his parents were always there for him, where he could come home from school and hug them and tell them about his day. He imagined plunging a knife deep into his own chest, cutting his arm to the bone, his last moments underwater; he imagined escaping far beyond his home to another land. In the mountains, across the sea, into another plane of existence where griffins and dragons existed. 

He imagined a place where he could be happy.

He must have dozed off, because next thing he knew he was being woken by the sound of a buzzing vibration. Yawning, Edd sat up and peered through the window. It was dawn, much too early for his tastes. But his phone was buzzing against the hardwood table like crazy. Who could possibly be texting him this early in the morning? School didn't start for another hour or two.

He stretched as he stood up, stifling another yawn as he grabbed his phone off the table. 

Edd cocked an eyebrow when he saw Matt was the one texting him. Confusion flooded his mind; Matt usually doesn't send a shit ton of texts like this. Worried that something was wrong, Edd checked his phone.

A lot the the texts were nonsense, stuff from a few days ago that Edd didn't care about. His eyes darted to the most recent texts, not even realizing his hand was shaking.

Matt 6:34 A.M
______________
Hi Edd

Matt 6:36 A.M
______________
I figured you werent up
But I just wanted to make sure youre okay
I KNOW that sounds weird but
Youve been acting super off the past week
Especially yesterday
Not to mention the school absence thing
If youre still mad at me for yelling at you i'm sorry

Matt 6:37 A.M
______________
I just wanted to make sure things are ok

Edd stared at the texts, bewildered. Matt cared enough to text him this? He thought Matt hated him. With a heavy heart, he began to type his reply.

things r okay, thanks

He was about to hit the send arrow before he stopped himself.

Was he doing the right thing?

It was so easy to lie through text. You couldn't hear the other person's voice; you couldn't see the other person. And to Edd, his text was an obvious lie. Things were not okay. How could he say something like that a day after he tried to kill himself?

But Matt doesn't need to know, he told himself. I'd be a terrible friend by bothering them with my problems. Plus, he'd just mock me.

Again, he thought about pressing that send button again, but something was holding him back. Something tugged at his heart like a cat's claws around yarn.

What good was lying?

All he did was lie. Lied about how he was doing, about how he felt. All it's caused was pain. It drove him to suicide. And if he lied again, he would die again. And next time, his guardian angel wouldn't be there to save him. 

The angel's words pulsed in his ears. If everyday is painful, change it. It's not easy. Change your entire life, if you have to. Maybe you can't do it alone. Maybe you just need help.

"Maybe getting help is admitting I'm a victim," Edd whispered to himself. "But I'd rather be a victim than a lying coward."

Edd 6:43 A.M
______________
actually, things really arent okay

Matt 6:43 A.M
______________
What's up?

Edd's breath caught in his throat. He had felt so confident a moment before, but now his thoughts were whirling and his heart was hammering in his chest. What if he mocks me? Or insults me? The fear made him feel nauseous and dizzy. It was the same feeling he got when remembering his old best friend, or recalling how it felt to drown. It was a feeling that made his insides squirm in fear, it made him feel uncomfortable in his own body, it made him want to vomit, it knocked the wind out of him. He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe. His hands were shaking.

I can't do this.

But he was so close to finally telling somebody! After so long! All these years! He just needed to push through this. He didn't care how scared he was, he needed to do this. Edd swallowed thickly, taking in a deep breath as he began to type with shaky hands.

Had you told him how this story ends the night he was planning to drown himself, Edd wouldn't have believed it.

He never would believe that he'd actually open up about his deepest issues. That he would put his trust in someone to listen and understand. He never thought of himself as worthy of help, as somebody worth helping. He felt his life was insignificant, that he was bound to die by his own hands one day. That nobody would ever know how he felt until he was dead. That was how he planned it to go. 

That morning Edd had told Matt more than he intended. He wanted to just tell him things were rough, that he was really depressed, but the more he talked the more he found that talking about something he had locked away for several years was like removing a wooden steak from his heart. He admitted to his darker thoughts, to the amount he harmed himself, to the fact he tried to kill himself the day before. He told Matt that he thought it was the only way he could be set free, that life didn't matter, that nobody would miss him anyway. He admitted he didn't tell anyone because he was scared that they'd mock him or get angry. That he felt it just wasn't worth burdening others. That maybe he was just overreacting.

That morning Matt had soon arrived at his house not even an hour later. He had hugged Edd crying. Edd never saw Matt cry before—the other didn't easily get upset. He talked about how he was so happy Edd was still here, that he was sorry for not showing his love more genuinely, that he felt bad he didn't notice earlier. He choked out all his words through sobs, like a mother who had almost lost her child. Edd felt guilty that he upset his friend so much, but at the same time, he felt relieved.

Matt truly did care. Edd finally opened up and Matt cared about him. He didn't mock him. He didn't get angry. He understood and he listened. For once in that tight embrace with his best friend, he felt like he was in a place where he could be happy.

I did it, Guardian angel, Edd thought to himself as he fought back tears. I'm surviving.