Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

-This is just to make sure there is no confusion for if I use names along with their roles.-

Scout: Jeremy
Soldier: Sergeant-Barrister Mister Jane Doe
Pyro: Pyro
Demoman: Tavish Finnegan DeGroot
Heavy: Mikhail (Misha)
Engineer: Dell Conagher
Medic: Mr. Ludwig (Humboldt?)
Sniper: Mr. Mundy
Spy: Spy (Scout's Dad)
The Administrator: Helen
Miss Pauling: Miss Pauling
Medic's Dove: Archimedes

The official chapter will be up soon! (This isn't a happy fic, at least until later.)

Chapter Text

A million things were racing in my mind, a few rational excuses with the rest only showing the horrid options of why she hadn’t called. Maybe she just got busy with her friends again and would be late to call? It had only been two days… What if she had fell? What if she was in the hospital for her bad hip? Maybe--

“Little man, stop pacing. It making even Doctor dizzy.” I stopped to see that Medic was holding his head and from the other’s looks, I had been pacing which I hadn’t realized I had been doing by their card game. I saw some were slightly concerned, I couldn’t tell with Pyro though, and I put on that big, realistic smug smile to put them at ease with the Scout they only saw.

“Sorry, big guy. Just thinking about some things, like how to perfect my swing for the next battle.” I was worried for a minute they wouldn’t buy it, but when Spy himself turned away with a huff I knew it had fooled them like always. I also knew it made me look like a self-centered idiot, but I couldn’t get attached so I switched out my emotions as to not be weak enough to get myself actually killed. Ma needed the money and I couldn’t let her down, even if it meant barely having enough here for myself. I calmed myself internally, thinking about heading to my room to wait only to hear the phone ringing in the kitchen and before anyone could even move I was speeding to it. I picked up the phone and gave myself a small compliment on having a new record, but mostly being thankful that it was Ma’s number. I let a real smile come on my face as the kitchen view was blocked and I was facing the doorway in case one of the others walked in, even if it was unlikely from them playing cards.

“Hey, Ma! I”m so glad you called as I was getting worried! How is--”

“Hi, Jeremy.” My body tensed at the voice of my second oldest brother, Timothy/Tim, speaking to me. I checked the phone number to see if I had seen any of the numbers wrong, but Ma’s number still held proudly on the phone. I could feel my smile waver and my breath became shaky as I tried to stay positive even as Tim was always the one putting out bad news with me hoping it was a minor one.

“T-Tim… Why are you… You on Ma’s phone? Is she in the hospital again?” I waited and the silence started to bring a constricting pain in my chest as I started to have trouble keeping my eyes tear free as denial kept me back. “I… Is it her hip? Was there another blood clot? Oh god, is it her lungs this time? How much will the bill be? I can probably scrape more to help and--”

“I’m sorry, Jeremy.” I shook my head even as the realization went through me as he kept talking, tears starting small then like a flood down my face as I had a hard time not hyperventilating. He started talking about how she was in a car accident and it was over even before she got to the hospital, how he will send her ashes to… Anger welled up inside me along with pain, my heart hurting from all the emotions as I wouldn’t get to see her again. But he did. “Jeremy, I know this--”

“S-Shut up, Tim! You don’t know!” All the pain and anger was everything at this point, my head feeling just as bad as my heart with my throat barely holding back. “You never were there! You never even tried for her! I DID!! AND NOW SHE’S… MA IS--”

The scream came out before I could stop it, chucking the phone only to watch it shatter as it hit the wall as I turned away to brace myself on the counter just as I heard them come through the door. It took only a moment before the yelling started with my knees shaking while trying to hold back.

“Scout! What were ya’ thinkin’?! That took me a long time ya’ know!” My throat had the same feeling and I tensed while trying to hold back as my walls were breaking like a tank was driving through it. “Maggot! That deserves twelve laps around the base!” I had to grip the counter even as my palms started even with my sweaty palms not allowing me to get a good grip

“Vhat was zat?! I had important calls you know!” Biting my lip only made me start to shake, my vision blurry from both my emotions and tears. I was going to explode… I couldn’t… She can’t be… Ma--

“What would your mother say?” My world and walls came crashing down hard at Sniper’s words as I knew I would never again hear what she thought. Her advice, encouragement, praises, and especially her comforting hugs or care packages. Ma was dead. I started to scream with sobs mixing in as I fell to my knees then the floor, shaking and tugging at my hair as breathing became hard. I couldn’t tell if they had gone silent or if I just couldn’t hear them, but I didn’t care at this point. Everything important to me was gone. My whole world was gone now. Someone touched my shoulder and I smacked their hand away, trying to stand only to end up my head between my raised knees sobbing like a child. My name was being said but I shook my head, just wanting to die even as I saw Engineer pull my head up which showed everyone my now tear wet face. I tried to focus on him and his words, but I could only shake my head as I everything seemed to start to break down.

“I can’t… I can’t I can’t I can’t… I can’t…” I know I wasn’t making sense, but I couldn’t stop myself even as I felt a panic attack taking over with my vision going spotty from lack of air coming in. I barely felt the prick of the needle by Medic, my body going number as my vision became darker from what I believe was a sleeping drug.

“What happened? Scout??” I looked at Engineer even as my world started to fade.

“I can’t do it without Ma… She was all I had… And she’s gone now…” Then the sweet darkness of nothing took over.

Chapter Text

I’m not sure how long I was out from the drug, but even before I truly opened my eyes I saw blurred memories of being checked on and attempts to talk to me by the others in different moments so it had to have been at least a day or two. It was hard to think past the haze and I wasn’t sure if the lack of feeling was from the drugs as well or my emotions were burnt out from what happened… From the news that Ma--

I shook my head even as I could feel the tears appear once more and it made it very apparent that my throat was too dry to even speak, trying to sit up only to just realize that I had straps holding me down. I stalled for a moment only to look around to see I was in the Med Bay, tied down to the best hospital bed that Medic had which was surprising as Heavy usually got first dibs on it from them being close.

“You is avake, I see.” The sudden sound of Medic’s voice had me looking up before even having a thought about how I should feel about this. He had been at his desk across the room, probably why I hadn’t noticed him, but he got up quicker than I’ve ever seen him with a patient only to be by me with a cup of water. “Here, es ist in Ordnung… Drink zis…”

He held it up to my mouth, the restraints stopping me from grabbing it on my own, and helped me drink with more cautiousness than I’ve ever seen him even when he was performing ‘surgery’. I moved my head back when I was done and he pulled away, sighing with concern, but my head was clearer as the drugs faded enough to begin having questions with the embarrassment of breaking like that in front of everyone.

“Doc, I, um… Why am I stuck?” I could see Medic freeze and before he could look at me, the door to Medic’s attached bedroom opened only to have Heavy walk out. It wasn’t something new to me to see him do that, but I turned to Medic again as I started to get a weird nervous energy in me. “Doc? Medic? Why am I--”

“Little Scout has shown to us to be unstable at moment. Danger to himself, so restraints needed.” Both me and Medic turned our heads to Heavy as he answered for him and I couldn’t help but have a denial go through my head of what they might have found while I was in La La Land of drugs only to have a nervous chuckle come out as I gripped the bed.

“What on Earth am I so dangerous to myself? I mean, sure, I drink a lot of Bonk and I might have cracked a bit with what I.. I heard…. But, it’s nothing too bad, I promise!” I could see them look at each other and even I knew in my head that it was a lie as my heart hurt from even the vague mention of the call, but it was really nothing anyone should worry about except me. It was silent for a minute, my heart pounding, and finally Medic nodded.

“Alright, mein teamkollege, if you’ll relieve ze worries of ihre team then I shall let you go.” There was an immediate knowing of something being up, but I quickly nodded anyway as I didn’t like being restricted like this. Medic waved for Heavy to get them and it only took a minute before they were standing in the infirmary. They all had either concern or an uncomfortable stance as if they didn’t know what to do, something that made my heart feel like needles were driving into it.

“Vell Scout here would like to relieve all ze worries.” They turned to me and I forced one of the smiles they were used to, knowing they couldn’t possibly know anything more than what they saw. They couldn’t and I released the bed from my grip to seem more relaxed than I could be, an act that they didn’t need to bothered to see through.

“Yeah, guys… I know I must have gave a scare to you all, but I swear I’m okay now, just something that anyone would have been knocked back mentally from. But I promise, I’m not one to do anything stupid from just a little sadness.” The word ‘liar’ went through my brain at every corner, but I kept up the act even as I saw they wanted to say something so I kept going as to get out before anyone could figure through my words. “Now, let’s just get these off me and I’ll be off to get my Bonk from the fridge and shine up my bat for the next battle. What do you guys say about just forgetting?”

It was silent and I was sure they were going to let it go like always, my heart hurting even as it was better if they didn’t care that much as no one ever did. It’ll be fine and--

“Scout, Do ya… Um… Have scars and cuts and stuff like that?” My brain stopped at Sniper's words and I immediately chuckled a bit as my palms were sweaty even as denial streamed through my brain at them not knowing. They were asking, not knowing, and they shouldn’t know. I gave a shocked look, which wasn’t all fake at this point, and I kept my voice steady as much as I could.

“W-What?! No! I would never! That’s just ridiculous and--”

“Scout.” My mouth shut at the accusing tone Spy used, walking forward as I could feel the tears just before they could appear as if preparing for it. I hated making others disappointed and I hated lying, but I couldn’t have them know. I was too much of a nuisance now, my heart aching along with the lump in my throat. It took me a moment to realize he wanted me to acknowledge that I heard him, closing my eyes.

“Y-y-yeah?” I couldn’t get out more than that as the denial faded to reality, my eyes squeezed shut and I gritted my teeth as the tears threatened to fall no matter what I did to hold them back.

“We saw them, Scout. We saw the cuts.”

Chapter Text

It wasn’t an immediate thing this time and it took me a few seconds to actually take hold of what Spy had just said only to look down to my arms. I couldn’t understand how I didn’t notice before, but the usual wrappings I used to hide all the marks had been replaced with medical wrappings and I just stared as a feeling welled up in me. Not sadness or acceptance that they knew, but deep anger. I was angry that I let them know, that I wasn’t strong enough to do one thing right, that nothing could just be simple yet most of all I was angry from having done this even after I promised Ma I would stop for good this time as she cared so much.

That thought hit me harder than anything that they weren’t Ma, never having given me the chance or opening to be myself like she always made sure I was. A deep fury went through me, even as tears welled up again almost on instinct at the thought of Ma.

“... So? What do you care?” I could hear the surprised silence, but it only fueled the anger that was starting to smoke inside me.

“... Que voulez-vous dire? Nous nous soucions toujours!” I couldn’t stop the laugh at the audacity that Spy had to say that and it only fed the flames.

“You, no, ANY of you caring?! That’s the biggest bull I’ve ever heard!” I looked at him and saw the shock at my knowledge of what he had said and I couldn’t stop feeling more and more angry. “Yeah! I know French as I DID pass high school unlike what you think!”

I closed my eyes as I pulled at the restraints, feeling stuck in a place where I had no control and it only made me feel the dark emotions I so desperately wanted to avoid. My anger, depression, anxiety, pain, and so much more boiling in me with no release for years except the tiny trickle right now as tears rolled down my face as my whole body shook.

“C’mon, calm down, son--” My head shot up, staring right at Engineer as my mouth opened with no filter.

“Don’t you dare call me that! NONE of you ever made me feel welcome enough, let alone cared enough, to make me feel like a family!” My voice was starting to shake as everything was mixing in my mind, a drone sound in my ear from all that was happening. “Yeah, I may have played the act to make sure I wasn’t thought as weak like all my brothers thought I was, but did any of you even try to get past that? To invite me to ONE thing to make me included?!”

There was more silence from them as they didn’t know what to say, but I couldn’t stop my mouth as everything was shoving to the front more than I’ve ever tried to deal with and all the memories was there for me to say and fill any space between.

“The reason for the Bonks? I don’t sleep sometimes while dealing with medical insurances from my Ma’s hospital stays and appointments! Did you care enough to ask about the reason? No, as none of you cared!”

“The reason I would be late for the meetings from ‘talkin’ with a special lady’? That was my Ma who could only call me certain times as she isn’t in the best health, needs help with getting her meds refilled, and I didn’t want to miss a WORD from her! Did you say anything other than berate me about how ‘irresponsible’ or how much of an ‘idiot’ I am? No, you didn’t care other than what you presumed!”

“The reason I was always low on cash? That I’m usually missing the snack cart or even in the very beginning was trying to get some help with food?! Ma’s medical bills needed paying! She’s had blood clots! Ma had multiple meds she HAD to be on! BUT DID YOU CARE? DID… DId you care?...”

My voice was getting shaky, my anger trickling away only to be replaced my my sadness as my heart ached with how much it hurt to not be able to do even that anymore as Ma was gone. My body sobbed even as I couldn’t make a sound with it, gripping the medical bed like a stress ball as I wished I could just curl away in my room like I usually did.

“Mein Gott, du hast nie… You never complained about it…” I looked away as I couldn’t look at them, closing my eyes.

“I never would have said anything as helping Ma was the thing that kept me going… But… Did I really have to? Did it take this far to just care?” I finally looked up and I swear that the memories were coming to them.

Me being hungry after not going out to food as I ‘couldn’t waste the cash’, but before having mentioned of seeing if someone could grab me something yet no one doing it. Me almost passing out on the battlefield with bags under my eyes and yet no one realizing I always made the excuse of it being ‘a rough night’ days in a row. Me refusing to remove my wraps for anything and even skipping check ups with no one trying to get me to go anyway. Me leaving after every negative speech or comments made about me only to have my music blasting and then slightly red eyes after. The comments, the attitudes, the few glimpses of the real me that would be avoided during topics, and not one question about anything about me.

I could see it all falling into place for them and I knew one thing.

I was right.

They hadn’t cared before.

And it hurt.