Archive of Our Own ^beta

The gunshot echoed through the village.

For a moment, there was deafening quiet, everyone staring, frozen in shock..

Sticky, hot blood was soaking through Elder Price’s shirt and running down his face.

It’s metallic stench filled his nose, the image of the bullet tearing through the man’s skull was burned into his mind.

There was a corpse. A real, actual dead person.

A scream tore through the air, filled with rage and terror and grief.

The woman threw herself over the body, cradling it, whispering something in her native language.

Chaos erupted.

The next thing Kevin realized was that he was running, sprinting through the hot sand, his lungs burning, his heart pumping.

Elder Cunningham was screaming his name as he tried to keep up.

He didn’t stop. He had to get away.

The Elder’s head was spinning. He felt himself acting on instinct rather than thought, his body bringing him away from the terrible scene in the market place and straight to the one place he hoped he’d feel safe.

He threw the doors open, stumbling into the common room, gasping for air.

“Elder Price, what happened to you?” Elder McKinley screamed.

What hadn’t happened?

How would one even begin to describe the stench of blood and gun powder, the horror of blood and brains spraying on your shirt, the life leaving a good man’s eyes, the grief-filled scream of his widow.

He struggled to find a clear thought in his racing mind.

“Africa… is nothing like the Lion King.” He stuttered. “I think that movie took a lot of artistic license.”

The small part in his mind that was still thinking logically cringed at his own words.

“He’s upset cuz we just saw a guy got shot in the face!” Cunningham explained, surprisingly calm for someone who got freaked out by the lack of doorbells on a door.

A series of murmurs and gasps went through the room, the Elders exchanging looks of worry and confusion.

To Kevin, none of them looked even remotely upset enough about the situation.

There was still sticky blood on his face.

On his neatly pressed shirt.

A dead man’s blood.

Quite possibly his brains.

Rage suddenly rushed through his veins, pure hatred towards everything and everyone in this god-forsaken place.

The stench and the heat, the violence, the disgusting food and uncomfortable beds, nothing was even remotely like the glorious, life-changing experience he’d always imagined.

He’d worked so hard, fought so much, had been the best Mormon boy anyone could have ever wanted.

For what?

“I can’t continue my mission like this!” Kevin roared with such fury, Elder McKinley jumped back. “There is absolutely nothing for me to accomplish here!”

McKinley stared at him with wide eyes, his hands raised like he was trying to calm a frightened animal.

“Elder Price, you cannot lose your temper now.” He said desperately. “We’re about to get evaluated by the Mission President!”

The Mission President.

Of course.

His only hope of getting out of here, away from all the terrible things.

If he could only reach him, somehow, convince him that his talents were more effective elsewhere-

“-remember, tomorrow is a Latter Daaaaay!” Elder Cunningham gleefully screamed in his face. The other Elders cheered in agreement.

It was simply too much.

How in the world could they all be so cheery, so ignorant, so blind to the situation?

“Latter Day doesn’t mean tomorrow! It means afterlife!” He was screaming now, he realized, the anger and the fear clouding his mind more and more with every second.

They were all too close, too loud, too cheerful .

He wanted them all to be gone, to disappear, to just leave him alone.

It was all just so much .

He screamed some more, words just tumbling out of him with more and more desperation.

Couldn’t they see ?

Couldn’t they understand how much he wanted that, his perfect afterlife, being the next prophet?

How much he needed it?

Nothing felt real anymore.

Elder Cunningham stood, frozen in shock and confusion.

The other Elders took several steps back, frightened by the unpredictable outburst.

Only McKinley took a step forward, his hands still outstretched, his face a mixture of sympathy and desperation.

Kevin stopped screaming, catching his breath, and stared.

Part of him wanted to run away, the other just wanted to stumble forward into the other man’s arms.

For a moment, the thought of letting someone else take care of him was very tempting.

To just let himself go, feel safe and protected. To be held.

Elder McKinley hadn’t exactly shown much sympathy just then, fussing about their evaluation when a warlord had just committed murder in bright daylight.

Then again, something about him seemed so soothing to Kevin now, the calm and confidence the other man radiated in that moment. He was a good leader, he was reliable, he was always so sure about his actions.

The conflict inside him was just too much.

Everything was spinning now and the walls were too close.

Somewhere amidst making a decision, his brain must’ve given up completely, because the next thing Kevin felt were his lips pressed against McKinley’s, his hands holding the other man’s face.

For just a moment, he felt calm, his mind grounded by the touch.

The man’s body was warm and soft under his palms, his lips tasted sweet, the smell of sweat and cologne overshadowed that of drying blood. His mouth opened slightly, kissing Kevin back, gentle yet as firm and reassuring as his leadership was.

Then realization hit him, shame and fear burning through his body like lightning, and he pulled away, storming out the door and just ran.

***

Connor couldn’t move. His body felt frozen in place. The ghost of Elder Price’s kiss still lingered on his lips, the feeling of his strong hands imprinted on his cheeks.

He could feel the traces of blood on there, too, half-dried already by the african heat.

He was vaguely aware of Poptarts shouting at Cunningham, who stormed out of the room to follow his Mission Brother.

The door shut with a bang and silence fell over them.

“Should we go after them?” Elder Church asked carefully into the quiet.

No one seemed to want to address what had just happened. That just wasn’t their way of dealing with things. You turned it off, you ignored, you didn’t speak up. For once, he was very grateful for it.

“And break the rules ourselves? They knew the risks, they made their choice.” McKinley heard himself say. “We shall wait until morning. Heavenly Father shall watch over them and judge their actions for himself. Now go get ready for sleep!”

He clapped his hands and the group started to scatter, mumbling among themselves, until only he and his Mission Brother were left.

“Are you okay?” Elder Poptarts asked gently. He’d never been a big fan of the “turning it off”- routine, no matter how much he tried to apply it to his own situation. It made him one of the most sympathetic people in their church Connor had ever met. He was grateful that God had given him such a loyal companion for his journey, despite of how much he felt he didn’t deserve it.

Connor hesitated. His feelings were bad, but lying was much worse. He knew he had to face what he was feeling and take care of it. Put it in a little box and get rid of it. That was the only way he knew.

“I will be, once I pray to Heavenly Father.” He answered carefully.

“He kissed you.” The other Elder said softly.

Out of all the people in their little district, or all the Mormon people McKinley had met in general, his Mission Brother had been the only one who’d never judged him for his feelings.

The words of kindness and understanding that Elder Poptarts gave him every night, when Connor woke from his nightmares, screaming and crying, made it much harder to fight the sinful thoughts in his head. And yet, he was still grateful to have a shoulder to cry on, to feel like at least someone out there understood, was there for him no matter what.

“I’ll just … put it in a box … and crush it.” He said slowly.

“I’m starting to think that may not be the most effective method of dealing with-”

“Well, good thing I’m the district leader and you aren’t!” He hadn’t meant to snap but it was too late now, he saw the hurt on his friend’s face and felt the shame and anger creep through him.

What a mess of a day.

Not knowing what else to do, he murmured his apology and fled the room.

Despite all his prayers before bed, when Connor went to hell in his dream that night Elder Price was there, holding him, touching him, his lips always so painfully close.

The neat white shirt was partly unbuttoned, revealing the naked skin underneath, a beautifully tempting sight.

Connor felt his skin burn and heard the devil laugh as he leaned in, longingly pressing his lips against the other man’s neck.

Why did sinning feel so good?

Why did the man’s strong arms around him make him feel safer and happier than he could ever recall feeling?

How could he possibly fight this temptation for the rest of his life?

When morning came, Elder McKinley was grateful when he woke with tears streaming down his face, heart heavy with shame and grief, to fall curled up into his Mission Brother’s embrace.

Elder Poptarts did not ask what his dream had been, nor did he mention their fight the day before. He just held him, singing the soft tune Elder Cunningham had taught them.

“... tomorrow is a Latter Day, and I am here for you.”

***

It was way after midnight but no one was asleep yet.

Too much had happened and the young men were confused and scared.

Kevin watched from the side of the room as the Elders tried to figure out where to go from here.

Nabalungi was in heated conversation with Elder McKinley about rules and metaphors, determined to make the missionaries stay in Uganda. He suspected her motivation had less to do with her need for a house full of over-enthusiastic white boys and more with one particular boy who had very obviously stolen her heart with his kind and gentle heart.

It had taken Elder Price the deepest fall from faith and the most ridiculous musical number in history to realize it, but at last he could see now what the african girl saw in his Mission Companion. Elder Cunningham had a good heart and he had truly made a difference in the little village.

Kevin hoped it wasn’t too late for them to actually be friends.

“You okay, buddy?” The Elder said, dropping on the couch next to him. “You haven’t said a word since your little speech back there.”

Kevin shrugged. There hadn’t been much to say. He’d meant it when he’d said they all were still Latter Day Saints, they all still had their mission to help and make a difference.

He might have lost his faith, he might be doubting everything he’d ben told all his life but the church had always been about more than scriptures and prayers. He saw that now.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you. You were the best friend I could’ve hoped for and I didn’t see it. I hope I still have a chance at being your true best friend?”

“Of course you do!” Arnold said eagerly. “We’re brothers now! Sometimes brothers fight but they are still family!” He lay his arm around Kevin’s shoulders, drawing him into a half hug. Kevin leaned into the embrace, wrapping his arms around his friend.

The events of the past days had left him feeling lost and empty but the gesture filled his chest with warmth, making tears sting his eyes.

“If you ever wanna talk about what happened… I’m here.” Arnold said quietly.

Kevin nodded. “I know. Thank you.”

Maybe one day he would feel safe enough to talk about the General and his gang.

At the moment, he just wanted to lean against someone and forget.

He glanced up to the others.

Elder Church and Elder Zelder had now joined the discussion with Nabalungi, waving sheets of paper in her face. The girl didn’t seem very impressed.

Elder McKinley was looking over to the couch, meeting Kevin’s eyes.

He blushed.

They hadn’t really talked since the District Leader’s snarky remarks about the Hell Dream, if that even counted as conversation.

Worst part was that he’d been right. Elder McKinley had been in that dream, dancing and singing, the skintight suit and playful expression making him feel all sorts of sinful things.

Kevin had had crushes before, he knew that, but he’d pushed them off his mind, determined not to let anything or anyone distract him from his scriptures. Even when his friends turned 16 and started dating, he’d never looked up from the pages of his books.

Now what were those hours of careful studying worth?

How much of the lines he’d so carefully memorized were a lie?

Most of all, Kevin couldn’t help but wonder, how much sin was there really in love?

He tore his eyes off the other man’s face, the memory of soft lips and warm skin burning in his mind.

“Eld- Arnold?” He said softly. “Those… new rules. The new stories you’ve been telling the people. What do they say… about people like Elder McKinley?”

The Elder was quiet for a moment, his face scrunched up in thought.

“Well,” he said carefully, “we are in a land where women get mutilated and men get shot, everyone’s starving and sick and people are desperate enough for salvation they believe in stories about magic frogs.”

Kevin couldn’t recall him ever sounding so serious.

“With all these horrible things happening every day, is two men being in love really the worst sin you can think of? Haven’t we been taught to love and accept each other?”

Kevin realized how desperately he wanted that to be true.

He wanted to believe that it would all be okay, that he could just look into his District Leader’s eyes, bury his hands in the soft hair and feel the intimacy of being open and vulnerable, without fear of judgement and eternal torment.

It was no wonder the villagers so willingly believed in Elder Cunningham’s stories. They gave hope for a better world. For an easier life.

Kevin wondered if Elder McKinley felt the same way.

***

The next days were busy, trying to organize their Mission with this strange new religion that was growing from Arnold’s preaching, contacting the Red Cross and other help organizations to get actual treatment for the villagers and “texting” with two of the General’s men who were considering to change their ways and be baptized into the church, hoping their sins would be forgiven.

Elder Price tried to stay inside as much as possible. The new order had reinterpreted rule 72 as going nowhere without carrying your Mission Brother in your heart, rather than literally going nowhere without him, so it was okay for Arnold to go preaching on the market place while he stayed home, doing laundry and washing dishes. Anything to avoid running into the General or one of his men.

Due to the ongoing discussions with the Mission President, it was also easy to avoid Elder McKinley.

He kept a distance between them when they were in the same room, he kept their conversations down to a minimum and fled the scene completely soon as he got a chance.

And yet, Kevin still dreamt of the other man, the thought of their lips locking in passionate embrace haunted him day and night. The more he watched the District Leader from afar, his determined but gentle way of handling their chaotic group of young adults, his warm smiles and soft chuckles, his flamboyant dancing when the villagers played their music on the streets, the worse his feelings got.

But he couldn’t stop watching, he couldn’t stop noticing .

One night, his dreams got so bad, so heated, so passionate , he snuck off into the bathroom, locking the door, and touched himself in the shower, the images of McKinley’s muscular, lean body racing through his mind as cold water poured over his burning skin.

When release came, he cowered on the ground, confused and ashamed, yet he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop.

***

Elder Price was staring at him, again, from the other side of the room.

He had every right to be angry with Connor. He’d failed as leader, he’d failed as Mormon and he’d failed as friend.

Yet the man’s face never looked angry. It was extremely confusing and a very unwanted distraction in these already stressful times.

The kiss still haunted Connor’s dreams, but by now it had become just one of many sinful things in his nightly terrors. That was just his life and he had to learn to live with it.

When the first panic of their failed evaluation was over and the calm, everyday life was slowly returning to their District, Elder McKinley decided he’d had enough of Price fleeing the room all the time, staring from the corner of every room like a sulking dog.

He waited for Elder Cunningham to go see the secret girlfriend everyone knew about, then stepped into Elder Price’s room, closing the door behind him.

Price was only wearing his pants and undershirt, his hair still tousled from sleep. Connor couldn’t help but find him beautiful.

“Anything I can do for you, Elder McKinley?” The other man said, slightly confused.

“We have to talk eventually, you know.”

Elder Price shrugged. “Do we?”

“Whatever will happen to us here, we have to work together and that’s not gonna go well if we avoid each other like this.” He held out his hand. “First of all, you can drop the title. My name is Connor.”

The other man ignored his hand and nodded, leaning on the writing desk in the corner of the room with his arms crossed like a sulking teenager.

“Kevin.” He shrugged.

“Well, Kevin…” Connor said softly, letting the name roll off his tongue. “You have every right to be angry with me.. I let you down. You were scared and angry and lost and I just dropped you soon as Elder Cunningham showed promise. I was so blinded by my own ambition. I am truly sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.” Kevin said. “I was selfish and naive, I brought this all on myself.” He gestured down his own body with an exasperated expression.

“You didn’t!” Connor stepped closer, fighting the urge to pull him into a tight hug. “If I hadn’t said those things, hadn’t send you straight into the General’s camp-”

“Don’t!” Elder Price interrupted firmly, making him flinch. “I don’t want to talk about that. What’s done is done, you don’t have to apologize for anything.”

They stared at each other in sudden silence.

Connor felt his heart race, the words he so desperately wanted to say right on tip of his tongue, yet fear made his throat feel tight and the words wouldnt come out.

He knew whatever would follow could make things much worse than they already were. But he also knew if he didnt get the closure he so desperately needed, his nightly terrors would just grow with every moment he spent wondering.

He took a deep, shaky breath.

“You kissed me.”

Something flashed over Kevin’s face as he tore his eyes off him and stared at the ground.

“I’m sorry.” He said darkly. “I shouldnt have done that, knowing how much you already torture yourself about your ... thoughts.”

“It’s okay. I was gonna burn in hell that night no matter what.” Connor tried to joke. “It was kinda nice not to be alone there.” He added softly. That was part of his sin. How much he enjoyed it.

“That’s why you asked me if you were in my Hell Dream.”

“I guess.”

“You were.”

“Oh.”

He blushed. He’d been half joking when he had asked about Kevin’s dream, still confused and frightened by his own.

There had been a small, sinful part of him that hoped he’d say yes, that had wished and dreamt to make their nights in the fires of hell a reality.

It made Connor wonder when his nightmares had turned into such tempting pleasure. He didn’t know if it was better or worse this way.

He took a careful step closer.

“I was doing okay, you know. Crushing my feelings, suffering through my dreams. I hated myself but I learned to live with that. And then you stormed into my life and turned everything upside down.” He was starting to feel shaky, his heart hammering like crazy, breath catching in his lungs. “Suddenly every day was a fight.”

“I’m… so sorry.” Kevin looked up, his head cocked slightly to the side, curious and confused.

“No, it’s okay.” Connor went on quietly.  “When you kissed me it just … it felt so right. And when I dreamt that night, I was no longer afraid. At first I hated myself for that even more but now I’m thinking … maybe I don’t wanna fight anymore. Maybe I just … want to be selfish. Want to feel safe. Want to feel free.” His voice broke, barely more than a whisper. Tears were stinging his eyes and his throat felt on fire. Somehow he hadn’t even realized how much he felt before saying it out loud. Hearing his own thoughts made them real .

“I don’t believe loving a man will mean you’ll burn in hell.” Kevin said gently. “I mean, I don’t believe a whole lot of things anymore but. Maybe Arnold is right. Maybe we shouldn’t take everything we were taught as fact.” He smiled shyly. “And if love truly is a sin, I guess I will burn in hell with you.”

“What do you mean?” Connor asked hoarsely. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

“I lied. When I told you I wasn’t having gay thoughts. Ever since I was kid I always liked boys, but I liked girls just as much so I chose to ignore that.” Kevin’s voice was beginning to crumble as well, his eyes growing shiny with emotion. “I guess when I saw that man get shot and it felt like my whole world was kinda crumbling away, that was just the first time I realized the world wasn’t that shiny perfect dream I thought it was.” He bit his quivering lip. “And then I kissed you and it felt so good and I wanted to do it again. And that terrified me. So I tried my hardest to get back, back into that perfect Disney dream world, I thought if I just believed strongly enough it would all be okay again.”

He took a shaky breath and shrugged. “Well, I guess I flew too close to the sun. I fell so deep and without Arnold I would’ve never gotten back up.”

His eyes met Connor’s, open and vulnerable.

“I was so focused on getting my perfect afterlife that I forgot to see the things right in front of me.”

Connor’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you see now?” He whispered, his voice so soft and quiet it was barely audible. He felt the cold grip of fear inside him, screaming how wrong this all was, begging him to turn and pray for forgiveness. But for once, he felt stronger.

***

“What do you see now?”

Kevin’s heart was aching with emotion. Years of struggle, of hiding, of keeping part of himself so deeply buried, where suddenly pouring out of him. It was strange and confusing and terrifying but there was no going back from this point.

“You.”

He said gently.

“I just want to be in this moment, right here, right now, not caring about what the future will bring.” Hesitantly, he stretched out his hand. “I just want to hold you. Tell you it will be okay.”

Connor stared at his palm, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“I don’t know if I can.” He whispered.

“Its okay, Connor.” The name sent a shiver down his spine.

More tears spilling down his pale skin, Connor raised his own hand, intertwining their fingers.

The warm touch made Kevin’s chest implode.

He pulled the other man close, pressing him against his chest, his free arm wrapping around him. Tears soaked through the thin cotton of his shirt as the he buried his face in Kevin’s shoulder, shaking softly.

Without thinking, Kevin pressed his lips against Connor’s head, breathing in the smell of soap, sweat and just simply Connor .

He held him close until the shaking grew fainter and they both stood in silence, their breathing falling in synch and their thumbs gently tracing circles on the other’s skin.

The gesture was so intimate, so gentle and soft, it made Kevin’s chest ache.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly.

Connor raised his head. His hair was tousled, his eyes puffy and the tears had left shiny streaks on his cheeks. Still, he was the most beautiful person Kevin had ever seen.

“Yes.” He breathed.

Kevin slowly let go of the other man’s hand, to put both palms around his head, his thumbs gently wiping the remaining tears from the soft skin.

He could taste the salt on Connor’s lips when he pulled him in, letting out a soft sigh as the tension fell away and he got lost in the sensation.

All the rules and threats in the world couldn’t tear him away from this.

His hands wandered, one curling inside the smooth hair, the other resting firmly between the other man’s shoulder blades, fingers stroking the familiar fabric of his shirt.

Connor’s hands wrapped around him as well, wandering over the bare skin on his arms, up to his neck, where his slim fingers slid under the collar, sending another shiver down his spine. His mouth was moving curiously, lips opening to let his tongue explore Kevin’s mouth.

Not even the most sinful Hell Dream could’ve summoned the wave of emotion that crashed over Kevin as he pushed deeper, desperate for as much contact as he could get.

The other man seemed to feel the same as his hands slipped under Kevin’s t-shirt, running his fingers over his burning skin.

Kevin pulled away, panting, and reached for the thin fabric. The shirt flew across the room, soon followed by Connor’s tie, shirts and a few buttons that didnt survive their eager fumbling.

They pressed their bodies together in a close embrace, foreheads touching, hands exploring the exposed skin as they got lost in each other’s eyes.

It was gentle and intimate, nothing like the fiery touches in their dreams. It was much better.

“I never thought I could find a person so infinitely beautiful.” Kevin breathed in wonder, feeling the small edges and curves under the other man’s skin.

Connor chuckled.

“Are we really gonna do this?” He whispered. “The others-?”

“To heck with what others think.” Kevin decided. “This feels so …. right. No Elder, no Mission President and no God will take that away from me. From us.”

He kissed him again, this time tracing the line of Connor’s jaw, then wandering down his neck to his collarbone, each kiss gentle but strong. His mouth sucked and licked along the soft skin on the his throat, causing him to gasp softly.

With a mischievous grin, Kevin lifted his head again, pressing another kiss to Connor’s nose.

The gleeful laugh that followed made Kevin’s stomach flutter. Now he understood what people meant when they talked about butterflies.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh before.” Kevin realized, ”That sound could make a guy fall in love with you.” He blushed.

“Good.” Connor smiled. “I want you to.” He looked surprised at his own answer, but he didn’t give either of them a chance to think too much of what that meant for them, as he leaned in for another deep kiss.

The door swung open, causing both men to jump, Connor instinctively shielding Kevin behind him.

Elder Cunningham stormed into the room, looking slightly out of breath.

“Forgot the book!” He declared, grabbing a copy of the Book of Mormon from his nightstand.

Grinning victoriously, he turned to the other Elders, still frozen in the corner.

“Oh good morning, Elder McKinley! What are you doing here? And why are you not wearing shirts and why - oh.”

Kevin gently placed a hand on Connor’s shoulder, feeling the other man relax slightly as he stepped next to him.. “It’s okay.” He said quietly, looking at his friend. “Right?”

“Of course!” Arnold said, dropping the book on his bed, to step closer to them. “You know how long Naba and I have been waiting for you to finally kiss and make up?” Without warning, he threw himself on them, awkwardly trying to wrap his arms around both.

With a soft chuckle, Kevin returned the embrace, padding the other man’s back.

Connor flailed his arms helplessly, but his body relaxed and a shy smile lit up his face.

“I do have to go now.” The District Leader said slowly. “I still have a job to do here.”

Arnold pulled away and picked up the pile of discarded clothes. “Don’t forget these. And next time just like, put a sock on the doorhandle or something.”

Connor blushed and took his clothes, pressing them against his chest.

“Thank you. I, uh, will keep that in mind?”

He nodded politely at the Elders before turning to the door.

“I’ll see you for lunch.”

“Wait.” Kevin moved around him, blocking his way. With a mischievous grin, he cupped Connor’s face in his hands, pressing a gentle kiss on his forehead. He could hear the other man inhale sharply and felt himself blush.

“Now you may leave.” He whispered, stepping aside to let the slightly flustered Elder pass.

His heart felt light, his stomach was fluttering and for the first time since they’d set foot on this continent, he felt truly hopeful.

Heavenly Father had blessed him with the most loyal district, the kindest best friend and the gentlest lover he could ever have dreamt for.

He knew things wouldn’t be perfect. That just wasn’t what the world was like. But with these amazing people by his side, he truly believed they could make tomorrow a Latter Day.