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Late Night Reads For Restless Spirits
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Published:
2019-04-30
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2021-02-06
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4/4
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A Slightly Salty Guide

Summary:

Ever wondered how to use an apostrophe? Did that pesky its or it's get you down? Don't know whether to use their, there, or they're? Check out this guide, which has been written by my sleep-deprived and salty self, to find some answers!

Notes:

I'm sorry.

Chapter 1: Apostrophes

Chapter Text

Hello, Internet! I have a small bone to pick with you. You know apostrophes? Those friendly little dashes that let you knew when things are possessive or contractions, which you constantly use wrong? These things: ‘

Well in case you are ever again in need, this guide will help you figure out where you can wipe your apostrophe mistakes away.

Rule #1: one of the main purposes of an apostrophe is to tell you when something is POSSESSIVE. That means someone owns a thing. Examples:

  • Harry’s wand was shooting sparks. (The wand belongs to Harry.)
  • The weapons were Black Widow’s. (The weapons belong to Black Widow.)
  • No one appreciated Sherlock’s snark. (The snark is coming from Sherlock.)

Note: if you’re adding ‘s to something already ending in s, you can leave off the last s. Examples:

  • The lost boys’ hideout was discovered. (This is a plural form. The hideout belongs to all the lost boys.)
  • Moses’ staff was freaking cool. (The staff belongs to Moses.)

Rule #2: the other main purpose of an apostrophe is to show that you have a CONTRACTION. A contraction is when you shove together two words and take out a few letters in the middle. Examples:

  • You could’ve done it, Sam!* (Words combined: could have.)
  • The Doctor couldn’t care less.** (Words combined: could not.)
  • Luke, we’re going to be okay. (Words combined: we are.)

Rule #3: THE EXCEPTION. It’s vs its can be difficult, because its is POSSESSIVE and it’s is a CONTRACTION. A good strategy is to replace whichever one you’re using with “it is”. If this makes sense, you use “it’s”. If not, use “its”. Examples:

  • It’s hot outside. (It is hot.)
  • Its head was huge, but its feet were tiny. (The head and feet belong to it. “It is head” would not make sense.)
  • It’s not you, it’s me. (It is not you, it is me.)
  • I think you hurt its feelings. (The feelings belong to it. “It is feelings” doesn’t make sense.)

Rule #4: DO NOT USE APOSTROPHES for PLURAL words. Plural words simply have an “s” or “es” added to the end (barring exceptions). They mean that there is more than one of a thing. Examples:

  • No one saw the villains coming until it was too late. (More than one villain.)
  • Peter knew he was outmatched by the wolves. (More than one wolf.)
  • The Dursleys were just the worst. (More than one Dursley.)
      • *Note: do NOT say “could of”, “would of”, or something similar. That’s just WRONG. The proper combination of words is could have, would have, etc. People often just say “could’ve” or “would’ve” when speaking, which sounds like “could of” or “would of”.

      **Note: I could care less means that you DO care, as pointed out so saltily by Weird Al Yankovic. Don’t write that. No one says that.

Chapter 2: Homophones

Chapter Text

Hello Internet! I have returned with another bone to pick with you: homophones. These are words that sound the same when you say them, but mean COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS depending on how you spell them.

I will be complaining about discussing the several versions of YOUR, THERE, TO, and WHOSE.

Also, just to get this out of the way, do NOT mix up your conscious with your conscience. I know they look ALMOST the same, but CONSCIOUS is what you are when you are not sleeping or knocked out. CONSCIENCE is that nice little part of you that tells right from wrong. Examples:

  • He lost consciousness. (He is no longer awake.)
  • Her conscience was clear. (She does not feel guilty.)
  • They were knocked unconscious. (They are no longer awake.)

Okay, now back to your scheduled program. First up: YOUR vs. YOU’RE

Remember apostrophes? You’d better. If not, go read chapter 1. This problem here is, at heart, an apostrophe problem. In the word you’re, the apostrophe is helping you put together the words “you are”. That’s it. That’s all you have to know. If “you are” is what you’re trying to say, use this one. If it’s not, use “your”.

NOTE: your’s is not a word. It’s another apostrophe exception. Instead, say yours.
Examples:

  • Your dinner is ready. (The dinner is for you.)
  • You’re an idiot. (You are an idiot.)
  • The car is yours. (The car belongs to you.)

Clear? Clear.

Next on the list: THEIR vs. THEY’RE vs. THERE

Look! More apostrophes. It’s almost like you should figure out how to use them.
As we now (hopefully) can deduce, the apostrophe in they’re is helping combine two words. In this case, it means “they are”. So if you need to say “they are” in your sentence, this is the version you use.

That wasn’t so hard, right? Now we only have two left, their and there, and these get mixed up ALL THE TIME. Here are some pretty simple rules for them…

Their is for people. If it belongs to them, the word is “their” or “theirs”. (Like your, this word is an apostrophe exception!) There is for places. If you’re trying to tell someone where a thing is, your word is there. Examples:

  • They’re in the garden. (They are in the garden.)
  • Their pumpkins are the biggest you can find. (The pumpkins belong to them.)
  • There they are! (They are in that place.)
  • That fish is theirs. (The fish belongs to them.)
  • The bus stop is over there. (The bus stop is in that place.)

Here is number three: TO vs. TOO vs. TWO

Two is a number. Got it.
Too is another word for also, and a word for when you have the wrong amount of something (like too much or too skinny).
To is for basically everything else, especially locations.
Yay! Can we all agree to figure this out and follow these simple rules? PLEASE?? Examples:

  • We have two refrigerators. (There are 2.)
  • She is too old. (She is overly old.)
  • I want to come too! (I want to come as well.)
  • Bring this letter to the mailbox, please. (The letter must be placed in that location.)
  • You are too kind. (You are overly kind.)

Is everyone still alive and functioning? Good, I have one more thing to drill into your head before you go. WHO’S vs. WHOSE.

Who’s can combine the words “who is” or “who has”, which is usually used for questions and descriptions. Whose is pretty much only for ownership situations. Examples:

  • Whose car is that? (Who does the car belong to?)


  • It’s Maria, who’s caused many problems before. (Maria, who has caused problems.)


  • Who’s doing the dishes tonight? (Who is doing the dishes?)

    • That’s all my salt for today. Thank you and goodnight.

    Chapter 3: Break These Habits

    Summary:

    There are some non-grammatical things that people write all the time that drive me BONKERS! Here are a few things to avoid in your writing.

    Notes:

    (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

    Chapter Text

    Here are, in no particular order, 10 things that pull me out of a story really fast. Please stop doing them.

    1. “Wait, did I say that out loud?” said no one ever at any time (possibly maybe excluding situations involving heavy drug doses)
    2. Pointing with your chin. Try it. It doesn’t work and no one knows what you’re trying to do.
    3. Excessive emoting from the eyes. Cover up the rest of their face and I can promise it will be difficult to guess any emotion but intense anger, surprise, and actual crying. Have you ever looked at someone’s eyes in real life and noticed the demons of their soul? I think not. Describe their face or body language instead for me please. Edit: Having now experienced mask-wearing on a worldwide level, I will expand big smiles to expressions that can be interpreted with only the eyes.
    4. Kissing each other at random points in an actual serious conversation that is totally not the time or place for sporadic makeouts. Sometimes kissing in the middle of a conversation is cute, but maybe not in the middle of your war plans?
    5. Teenagers. They are not small children or full adults. Most of the time they are self-aware enough to report serious health issues, like broken legs or a severe illness (because those things suck, so why wouldn’t you?), but they also make some stupid choices and have a tendency not to care too much about outside issues (like world politics). Some teens are even well-adjusted and don’t suffer from anxiety issues and depression!
    6. Small children. They are usually just not developed or matured enough to initiate and continue really difficult practices (like studying extensively, protesting complex moral issues, or seeing from many perspectives). Neither are they always cute or always a pain.
    7. Noticing the color of another person’s eyes and overly describing them, even from a respectable distance away. (See every Percy Jackson fic.)
    8. Stop telling me what your character is wearing in exhaustive detail. I don’t need to know the designer of their jeans or the logo on their jacket unless it is actually relevant to the story you are telling. Does your character wear the same dress as her best friend? Great, let me know. Is your character wearing a Rolex watch and Levi’s jeans along with his maroon sweater that has a little pull by the left elbow? I don’t care.
    9. (Okay I promised no grammar, but…) using words that don’t exist. “Alot” should be a lot. “Alright” is sort of a word, but it can also get annoying. All right is a lot more correct.
    10. Words instead of said. I understand where this comes from (I had a worksheet with this title in elementary school), but please stop using so many words instead of said. I don’t need you to consistently write “whispered” or “gasped” or “whined” or “muttered” when I can interpret it for myself based on context. I’m not saying that these words are bad or shouldn’t sometimes be used, but please stop using them for every single line of dialogue. For a normal conversation, said works just fine.

    Notes:

    Thanks for reading! If you are also salty, what things annoy you about stereotypical fanfiction writing, and how can it be improved?

    Chapter 4: Tenses

    Summary:

    Please, I beg of you, this is killing me slowly. Just remember whether your story is in present or past tense. Please.

    Chapter Text

    Why look, I have returned to the World Wide Web with a fresh new annoyance for a problem ages old! Today’s topic: PLEASE stop switching tenses all the time!

    I have read some fics with fantastic plots and great characterization, but I had to keep double checking and looking back when the tenses switched between past and present randomly every three paragraphs. So a word of wisdom from me to you… STOP DOING THAT!

    The best way to ensure that your tenses are staying consistent is to read through your writing before posting and check for a few key words. The biggest offender: is vs was. Not counting flashbacks, you should only be using one or the other throughout your story. Examples:

    INCORRECT: Jack was ready to go! As soon as the car pulled up he is running down the street.

    CORRECT:
    Past: Jack was ready to go! As soon as the car pulled up he was running down the street.

    Present: Jack is ready to go! As soon as the car pulls up he is running down the street.

    Okay, so as soon as you master that you can move up to level two of tense identification and correction. At this stage, check for the tense markers at the ends of words like -ed and -s. Examples:

    INCORRECT: Mary was more excited than she had ever been before. She jumped into her shoes and flung open the door, only to trip down the front steps. A stabbing pain shoots up her ankle, and Mary can’t stop a shout of pain as she reaches down to touch it.

    See how that previous example switches between past and present forms of the verbs? Now check out some better ones...

    CORRECT:
    Past: Mary was more excited than she had ever been before. She jumped into her shoes and flung open the door, only to trip down the front steps. A stabbing pain shot up her ankle, and Mary couldn’t stop a shout of pain as she reached down to touch it.

    Present: Mary is more excited than she has ever been before. She jumps into her shoes and flings open the door, only to trip down the front steps. A stabbing pain shoots up her ankle, and Mary can’t stop a shout of pain as she reaches down to touch it.

    So those are the basics of making sure you’re in the right tense. It doesn’t matter much which you choose, as long as the entire story stays either past or present! Flashbacks are a little more complicated, but generally speaking, if your character is remembering something, remembered events are in the past tense and current events are in the present tense. Either that or everything is some form of past tense. Example:

    INCORRECT: Back in his circus days, Clint shot a bow and arrow in a purple costume. Now he was much more put together. He only wears black Kevlar, and despite what he remembered, Phil says purple is not a standard color for covert ops.

    CORRECT:
    Past: Back in his circus days, Clint had shot a bow and arrow in a purple costume. Now he was much more put together. He only wore black Kevlar, and despite what he remembered, Phil said purple was not a standard color for covert ops.

    Present: Back in his circus days, Clint shot a bow and arrow in a purple costume. Now he’s much more put together. He only wears black Kevlar, and despite what he remembers, Phil says purple is not a standard color for covert ops.

    Now that you’ve read this, consider yourselves informed about the fact that tenses must STAY CONSISTENT FOR GOODNESS SAKE! This has been your local PSA, please do not fail me.

    Forever salty, signing off.