Chapter Text
Bucky was doing pretty well, all things considered.
He had found his way home to Steve in New York and was living safe at Avengers Tower with him, given refuge that he didn’t deserve from Tony Stark, and things were... okay. Not perfect, not great, but okay. And that was honestly more than he could ever hope for, if he was being honest.
His memories were spotty, hazy in more places than not, but they were there. He remembered Steve most clearly, the warm sunny days in Brooklyn and cruel winters that they’d endured together, the war... and after . H e remembered his missions under Hydra, the screams of victims that he’d silenced mindlessly, heard them in nightmares that he would wake from with screams of his own.
Just getting through the day was hard enough, but the nights were the worst. And that was why it didn’t take long before Bucky ended up sharing Steve’s big, roomy bed each night. They both slept better close to each other - “Always have,” Steve had told Bucky with a fond smile that first night before he turned off the lights. And it was true. Bucky’s nightmares came less often and his usual 3-4 hours of sleep stretched to a full 8.
After some months of therapy, training and the removal of embedded Hydra triggers thanks to the generosity of Wakanda, Bucky was cleared to join the Avengers on missions. At first he was hesitant to step back into the field but in time he realized it was a way to make amends, to help right some of the wrongs that he’d committed against his will. He couldn’t bring the dead back but he could help the Avengers hunt down Hydra and eliminate the threats they posed to the world. And knowing that Steve would be with him and watch his back gave him the sense of security that he needed to take that step.
So really, he told himself frequently, he couldn’t complain. Sure, he had anxiety and nightmares and... other issues, but those were par for the course for a survivor like him. It was fine. Everything was fine, or at least as fine as it was probably ever gonna get.
But all of that was little consolation when he woke up hard as a rock and unable to find relief at 4 in the morning at least a few times a week.
—
The dream was dark and hazy, heated and enticing, seductive as it pulled at corners of Bucky’s memories that weren’t as clear as others. The touch of lips, of skin, of the ache of pleasure and the addictive draw of it, the release that he needed so badly but could never quite reach.
He awoke with a gasping breath, fists in the sheets and body slick with sweat, boxers tented with an erection so hard that it hurt. He groaned under his breath and slid his metal hand into his slightly damp long hair, heart pounding and mind racing and body betraying his every wish to just... behave and let him be.
As the Winter Soldier, desire hadn’t been something that he had been allowed to know. He hadn’t felt anything at all during those years, and that made the experience of becoming human again all the more overwhelming, as if he was experiencing it all for the very first time.
He glanced over to Steve, laying on his side facing away from Bucky, still asleep as far as Bucky could tell, and Bucky let out a shaky breath as he closed his eyes and tried to will away his arousal. If he couldn’t make it work then a cold shower would be his only option and those brought back memories that were even harder to deal with than this particular issue.
He tossed the covers off of himself and took a few deep breaths, forcing himself to think of the least sexually appealing things possible. His long-dead grandmother, crying kittens, modern music, baseball... Tony Stark. He might have succeeded with his mission had Steve not decided to wake up and roll over with a concerned, sleepy, “Hey, you okay, Buck?”
Nearly jumping out of his already-on edge skin, Bucky instead quickly threw the cover back over his lap and muttered, “M’fine. Dream.”
Blinking a few times and brows knitting with concern, Steve turned to face Bucky more fully. “Wanna talk about it?”
Bucky flushed with embarrassment, narrowly avoiding the urge to bolt. “Not... not that kind of dream.”
Steve seemed, understandably, confused. He looked Bucky over, which made Bucky feel all the more exposed and nervous, then asked, “You sure you’re okay?”
Bucky let out a humorless laugh. “No, not really.”
“You can talk to me,” Steve reminded him gently. “If you want to.”
Bucky expected nothing less. Steve was all about unconditional love and support, but always with consent first. He swallowed hard, and it was only due to how long he’d been struggling with this particular issue that he suffered a lapse in judgment and, purely out of desperation, muttered, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure,” Steve said, perking up a bit and sitting up by just a fraction.
Bucky gritted his teeth and forced the words out before he lost his nerve. “Is it... am I... normal if I can’t... after everything...”
“Yeah?” Steve pressed gently.
Bucky sighed. “I can’t get off. Ever.”
First there was silence, then the quiet but distinct sound of Steve licking his lips. Bucky’s cheeks burned as he waited for a response, which finally came in the form of an eloquent, “Oh.”
Bucky stared stonily at the ceiling. “Yeah.”
“That’s... yeah, it’s not uncommon, I don’t think,” Steve replied. “I didn’t... I’ve never... had that problem, but that’s...”
Bucky shook his head, rolling his eyes at himself. “Never mind. Shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, it’s okay. Have you told your therapist?”
The mere thought of telling his therapist - an older woman who was damn good at her job and, he was pretty sure, had x-ray vision into his very soul - was unbearable. “Fuck no. This is the first time I’ve said it out loud.”
Steve paused. “Is it... can you not... physically...”
Bucky shook his head. “No it’s... when I’ve tried ... I almost get there but then my head just... I can’t let go. I see everyone I hurt. Everyone I killed. My hands,” he lifted them for emphasis and then let them fall at his sides. “I just see them covered in blood and hurting people and I can’t. No matter how much I want to, I can’t.”
“Buck,” Steve said softly, his voice a little closer now. Bucky finally looked his way, finding Steve indeed a bit closer and his head propped on his hand. “It’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Recovery is hard. Looks different for everyone.”
“Yeah, well... guess there’s worse things to have than a broken dick.”
“Nothing about you is broken ,” Steve replied with a tiny smile. He paused and then added lightly, “I’d offer to help, but... not sure how I can.”
Bucky let out a laugh that Steve mirrored. “Yeah... I mean, unless you wanna lend me a hand.”
Steve chuckled, shrugging lightly. “Wouldn’t be so bad, if you needed it.”
Bucky started to laugh again, until Steve’s words sunk in. He turned his head back to Steve, blurting, “Wait, what?”
Steve froze. “What?”
They then stared at each other, two idiots who had no idea what the hell was happening, the silence pounding in both of their ears until Steve broke it with a stuttered, “I just - I just meant - I -“
“Are you serious?” Bucky suddenly demanded, needing to know and panicking a little.
“No,” Steve shook his head. Then he froze, furrowed his brows at the slightly wounded look on Bucky’s face, and amended, “Unless - do you want me to be?”
Bucky opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He had no idea how to answer, had no idea what Steve actually meant or wanted, and ugh God he was sweating again -
“ Okay,” Steve cleared his throat. “Let’s start over. All I meant was, if you needed help in that way - one way or another - helping you out wouldn’t be so bad. You’re my friend. If you need my help, whatever it is, I’ll be there.”
Bucky’s anxious expression softened, his heart warming with the ever-growing affection he had for this man. “Well... thanks.”
Steve nodded. “I didn’t mean to make it weird,” he chuckled. “If I did, we can just pretend this never happened.”
Bucky shook his head. “No, it’s okay.”
Steve reached over and patted Bucky’s shoulder through the thin t-shirt he wore. Then his slight smile gave way to a frown as he asked, “So you don’t even... in your sleep?”
“Nope. Always wake up first.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. Tell me about it,” Bucky sighed.
A beat of silence passed. “You know,” Steve began awkwardly, “I’ve heard they make toys now. For men.”
Bucky turned wide eyes on him. “Steve, no.”
Steve held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, sorry.” Another pause, and then, “Maybe... I could ask around, find a girl who’d be willing to -“
“Fucking hell, Steve, no,” Bucky snapped, though his tone was all exasperation and no malice. “That’s - fuck . No. I can barely handle a doctor touching me long enough to take a blood sample, let alone - that. No. I can’t do that with someone I don’t know or trust.”
“Okay. Yeah, that makes sense,” Steve conceded. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Bucky shrugged. “I appreciate the thought. S’just... yeah.”
“You said you see your hands hurting people so I figured... maybe someone else’s hands could get you there.”
Bucky’s heart skipped a beat at that, previously waning erection perking up unexpectedly. It was the way that Steve said those words, his voice low and familiar and comforting, and just the idea of getting there... of finally breaking down that wall and finding the relief that he hadn’t had since fucking 1945...
“They might,” Bucky murmured, voice coming out a lot huskier than he’d intended. “I don’t know.”
Then he closed his eyes, heart still beating erratic and cock pulsing, body overheated and desperate for something his mind wouldn’t let him have, and God he hated it.
“ Only one way to find out.”
Bucky’s eyes flew open and landed on Steve immediately. There was no joking or silliness in Steve’s expression, nothing to indicate that he was teasing or being a punk, but Bucky found it nearly impossible to believe that Steve was actually serious, and Steve could tell by his eyes alone.
“It’s just me, Buck,” Steve shrugged lightly. “I know I’m not your type,” he chuckled lowly, “but I’m here and you know me. You trust me. Doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
.... Was this even real?
Bucky’s head was swimming, face engulfed in a very uncharacteristic blush, and he was back to the full, painful hardness he’d woken up to. His voice was stuck in his throat, his gut screaming at him to jump on the opportunity and his brain screaming at him to refuse Steve outright before anything got irreparably weird.
“It’s up to you,” Steve added softly, remarkably calm about all of it. “Offer stands.”
As soon as the words left Steve’s mouth, resolute and fearless, Bucky knew there was only one way this was going to end. There was only one choice to make, and he found himself making it far faster than either of them could have ever predicted.
“Please,” came his voice, small and nervous and more than a little desperate. “I - I just -“
Steve blinked in surprise, as if it hadn’t occurred to him that Bucky might actually say yes, but then he nodded and a lovely blush filled his cheeks as he replied, “Okay. Yeah. You sure?”
Bucky nodded quickly. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Okay. How -“ Steve began to scoot forward under the blankets but then stopped short. “How do you want to -“
Bucky’s brain began to short circuit, suddenly realizing fully that this was happening and that Steve was shirtless and had been this entire time, and that he was about to come a lot closer and touch Bucky and make him -
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, mild panic mixing with a deep excitement that he hadn’t expected. “I don’t -“
Steve looked him over for a moment. “Okay, how about you just...” He turned Bucky gently on his side, facing away from him, and then shifted to lay behind him, Bucky’s back to Steve’s chest. Steve slid an arm under Bucky and rested his other hand on top of his upper arm as they settled, just the barest of inches separating their bodies. “How’s this?”
Bucky nodded. “This is good.” At least this way, Steve couldn’t see how ridiculous his face must look, shifting back and forth from eager to terrified every five seconds.
“Okay. And if at any point you change your mind or you don’t like it, or anything like that... you just say the word and I’ll stop, all right? Promise me, Buck.”
Bucky shivered. “I promise, Steve.”
Steve rubbed Bucky’s arm lightly, comfortingly. “You ready?”
He would probably never be ready, not for this, but that was beside the point. Bucky damn sure wasn’t about to turn back now. “Yeah.” Then he reached down and hastily pushed down his boxers down and out of the way, breath catching at an accidental slide of his hand against his cock. He was so damn oversensitive, there was no way this was gonna last long, if it worked.
“Relax, Buck,” Steve murmured into his ear, hand on his arm slowly slipping down and disappearing beneath the covers. “I’ve got you.”
Bucky closed his eyes, finding comfort in Steve’s words and his voice, taking a deep breath and letting it go. He was safe here, safe with Steve and in his arms, as far away from Hydra as he could be, and if this worked... he could reclaim yet another piece of himself and his humanity from the monsters who’d hurt him for so long.
Steve’s hand came to rest carefully on Bucky’s bare hip. “Tell me one last time. You’re sure about this?”
Bucky nodded, keeping his eyes shut. “Yeah, Steve.”
“Okay.”
There was the briefest second of hesitation, and then Steve’s hand was moving lower as Bucky held his breath.
At the first light touch of Steve’s hand, Bucky shuddered and let out a noise that he couldn’t hold back. Steve started whispering comforting little words into his ear as he rubbed his hand up and down the length of Bucky, just getting him used to the touch before he closed his fingers around him and gave him his first real stroke.
“Oh God,” Bucky groaned, already out of control of his own words and actions. All he knew was warmth and touch and Steve , his Steve, giving him everything he needed but never would have asked for on his own.
“Breathe, Bucky,” Steve reminded him, working his hand up and down slowly, tightening his grip a little bit. “That good?”
Bucky shivered, both from Steve’s hand and from his voice in his ear. “Yeah,” he murmured, gripping the pillow under his head with his metal hand. “Fuck, yeah, that’s good.”
And it was. It was so good, in fact, that Bucky was sure that it would be over embarrassingly quickly, especially as Steve seemed to gain confidence from his words and started stroking him more smoothly and self-assuredly. It might have been just Steve’s hand but it was more than Bucky’d had in decades and much more than he expected to get, and every nerve in his body was fired up at full force and on overload already.
He got so close so fast that it also sent his brain into panic mode all the quicker, his muscles tensing and jaw clenching as he began to anticipate the inevitable failure that surely awaited him. Anxiety began to replace the cloud of pleasure low in his gut, ice replacing heat until Steve caught on and used the arm under Bucky to lock around his chest and pull him back flush against Steve’s front.
“Hey, hey,” he whispered gently into Bucky’s ear, his breath sending shivers down Bucky’s spine. “Stay with me, Buck. S’just me and you, okay? You can do this. You can let go. I’ve got you.”
Bucky’s hand came up to clutch at Steve’s arm, though he was barely aware of it. “I’m - I don’t know, I -“
“Look at me, Buck.”
Bucky could do nothing but obey, opening his eyes and turning his head to look up into Steve’s fiery, determined, gorgeous blue eyes.
“Keep your eyes on me, all right?” Steve all but commanded, thumb swiping under the head of Bucky’s cock with every stroke, earning a low little groan from Bucky every time. “How’s that feel?”
Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut as he spoke. “Really - fuck - really fuckin’ good.”
Steve started moving faster, sensing Bucky’s desperation and how badly he needed it, how tenuously he was hanging on and how easily it might all go sideways. “C’mon, Buck,” Steve purred, holding Bucky tight and working him over the way he liked to work himself. “Don’t fight it. You close?”
Bucky nodded, lips parted and eyes still shut, hips jerking under Steve’s touch, on the cusp of something he needed more than air itself. “M’so close, Steve.”
“Go on, Buck,” Steve told him lowly, lips almost - almost - brushing over Bucky’s ear. “Let go, let yourself go.”
It was those words and that faint almost-touch of his lips coupled with the almost shocking knowledge that this was real and it was Steve touching him like this that made Bucky finally, at long last, come harder than he ever had before in his life. Once it started it felt like it couldn’t stop, his vision fading and the whole damn world coming to a grinding halt as he let a wave of mind-blowing pleasure wash over him until he was completely, blessedly spent. It was like nothing he had experienced in either recent or long term memory, and by the time it was over, he could barely remember his own name - in the good, non-terrifying way.
In fact, by the time he opened his eyes, Steve had apparently cleaned them both up and tugged Bucky’s boxers back up and over his hips. Steve was back under the covers and lying close to Bucky, smiling fondly when Bucky looked around in mild confusion. “There you are. Thought you’d blacked out for a minute.”
“I think I might have,” Bucky admitted, smiling lazily. He stretched, suddenly feeling like he could sleep for a whole month. “Thank you, Steve.”
Steve smiled and ducked his head, his eyes a little shy now but also displaying more than a little bit of self-satisfaction. He looked proud, pleased with himself, and Bucky didn’t blame him one bit. “It was my pleasure.”
They both blinked once, twice, and then broke out laughing. It was ridiculous but so was the entire situation, and Bucky thanked the very heavens above that they were able to laugh about it like this rather than wallow in awkwardness.
He and Steve really could get through anything together, it seemed. Even this.
Bucky opened his mouth and was one breath away from offering to return the favor when Steve gave Bucky’s shoulder a pat and said, “Sun’s almost up - I’m gonna go for a run. Wanna come with me?”
Bucky shook his head and sunk deeper into the bed. “Hell no. After that, I feel like I could sleep a week.”
Steve blushed and grinned. “Guess I did something right then. Okay,” he rolled over to rise from the bed, Bucky’s eyes drifting down to his ass in his low-slung sweatpants. “I’ll bring back bagels.”
Bucky pulled the covers up to his neck. “Cinnamon sugar ones.”
“Sure thing, pal,” Steve replied before stepping into the bathroom and clicking the door shut behind him.
Bucky let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting much-needed sleep pull him under. He may not deserve Steve’s loyalty and devotion, but he sure as hell would never stop being more grateful for it than words could say. And now he simply had yet another reason to be thankful for him.
—
To Bucky’s immense relief, nothing changed between himself and Steve in the following days. Their comfortable, easy dynamic stayed the same and Bucky’s spirits were lifted well beyond what the others around him were used to, including Natasha who asked him what had him smiling so much more than usual.
He’d glanced over at Steve and shared a wordless, secret exchange with him, both of them knowing the reason and not sharing it with a damn soul.
He rode that high for three days, until he tried his own hand at getting off in the shower. He’d thought that now it would be easier and that he’d be able to let go and take care of himself, but instead the same damn thing happened all over again. He got himself to the edge and then couldn’t take that final step, his mind flashing back to places that left him feeling icy and panicky and killing his arousal. He just narrowly avoided punching a hole in the tile wall before stomping out of the shower, wet and frustrated and beyond angry at himself.
That night, when Steve slipped into bed beside Bucky, Bucky had almost immediately felt himself stir with desire that startled him with how fast it came on. But he felt so safe there, under the covers with Steve by his side, and when Steve glanced over and asked if he was okay, Bucky stumbled over his words until Steve realized what the problem was and offered his help once again.
It happened much like it had the first time, with Steve holding Bucky to his chest and murmuring sweet words in his ear as he stroked him off, his touch more sure and not a bit hesitant this time. Bucky didn’t even try to hide his enthusiasm and relief, all but sinking back against Steve - shirtless again, warm as the sun itself and safe and feeling like home - and letting him take him where he needed to go.
After, Steve cleaned him up again and Bucky was asleep before he’d even finished. Steve simply smiled and pulled the blankets up and over him, then settled back into his side of the bed and drifted off next.
The third time it happened, two days later at the crack of dawn, Bucky managed to keep his eyes open long enough to ask Steve if he wanted him to return the favor.
“Nah,” Steve waved him off, an easy smile on his face. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about me.”
“But -“
“No, really,” Steve insisted, patting Bucky’s arm and then slipping out of bed. “I’m fine. Long as I’m helping you, that’s enough for me.”
Then he headed off into the shower, leaving Bucky laying there in bed and wondering why he felt sort of... almost... hurt at Steve’s refusal. He knew it was silly and irrational, but something about it bothered him.
He supposed he just didn’t like this strange new extension of their friendship being so one-sided. He didn’t like taking without giving back, especially not with Steve. He understood why Steve would refuse - he wasn’t attracted to Bucky, after all, just helping him out - but it still stung regardless.
He tried to shake it off with only mild success. But then Steve got a call from Tony and then they were on a Quinjet headed to Eastern Europe for a two week-long mission, and Bucky was happy for the distraction.
The mission went as well as it could, lasting a bit longer than it should have but in the end they found the intel they needed and took a major Hydra base out of commission. It was late the night that Steve and Bucky came home, tired but in good spirits, a few bruises and cuts their only injuries. Bucky was ready to peel himself out of his uniform and crawl into Steve’s bed, which was probably his favorite place in the world, and the closer they got to it the better it sounded.
They were still in uniform when they took the elevator up to their floor, Bucky distracted by the passing floor numbers until Steve began undoing his gloves. Bucky glanced over and felt his mouth go dry as he watched Steve pull off the brown leather, flexing his fingers once they were free, reaching up to brush aside a few blonde locks that had fallen into his forehead.
That was when Steve caught Bucky staring, pausing and then asking quietly, “You okay, Buck?”
Bucky froze, eyes flying up to Steve’s and his words not quite working. Steve looked him over, noting the blush rising on his cheeks and the shy but heated glint in his eyes, and his expression shifted from slightly concerned to knowing.
“Need a hand?”
Bucky huffed a slight laugh, feeling the burn in his cheeks as he cast his eyes down. “Yeah, I think so.”
Steve grinned back, bumping his shoulder into Bucky’s. “All you gotta do is ask, pal.”
Bucky forced himself to smile and play along with Steve’s lighthearted demeanor, but he may as well have been on fire right where he stood. He could feel himself hardening beneath his suddenly too-tight pants, entire body responding to Steve’s offer in an instant, and he had neither the capacity nor the desire to comprehend the implications of that at the moment.
The elevator came to a stop and opened up before them, Steve stepping out in front of Bucky and reaching down to undo his utility belt as he said, “Let me grab a quick shower and I’ll meet you in the bedroom, okay?”
Bucky nodded and Steve disappeared into one of the three bathrooms on their floor. Bucky just stood there until the elevator doors began to close, snapping him out of his lust-fueled stupor.
Right. Shower. That was a good idea.
He took the world’s fastest shower in the bathroom attached to Steve’s room, body thrumming with anticipation and hands shaking a little with it, and he felt absolutely ridiculous but he just couldn’t help it. The second he deemed himself clean enough he stepped out and dried off as quickly as possible, throwing on a pair of boxers and making a beeline for Steve’s bed, hoping Steve wasn’t far behind.
But Steve was taking his sweet time, apparently, and it felt like an eternity passed as Bucky laid beneath the sheets and tried to keep from crawling out of his skin. But it was only a matter of time before he was pushing his boxers down and taking himself in hand, trying to find some relief while he waited and imagining it was Steve’s hand rather than his own. He thought of the way it felt when Steve touched him, the warmth of his hand and his broad chest pressed to Bucky’s back, the way Steve’s breath tickled his neck and the way his words pushed him over the edge...
“Gettin’ started without me?”
Bucky froze with his hand mid-stroke and opened his eyes to find Steve - in nothing but boxer briefs, blonde hair wet and messy atop his head, healthy pink glow to his skin - walking towards the bed with amusement in his eyes.
Bucky felt himself flush from head to toe, which he’d never realized was even possible. “I... just...”
“It’s okay,” Steve grinned, slipping into bed and wasting no time in moving in close. “C’mere, Buck.”
Bucky shivered as he happily complied, letting go of himself and settling into Steve’s arms in their usual position. This time it was a bit different, as Bucky was usually more clothed and there wasn’t nearly as much skin to skin contact as there was now, but it only served to make him even harder and more eager for Steve’s touch.
Steve hugged him close with his arm curled around Bucky’s chest, murmuring, “Two weeks was too long, wasn’t it? I should have thought about that, I’m sorry.”
Bucky opened his mouth to answer only to clamp it shut and groan as Steve’s hand wrapped around him, wasting no time teasing him. “S’okay,” he finally forced out through the pleasure racing through his body.
“No it’s not,” Steve quietly disagreed, Bucky able to feel every word as it rumbled out of Steve’s chest against his back. “Don’t ever be afraid to ask me for what you need, Buck.”
Those words nearly made Bucky come right then and there. Instead he bit his lip way too hard and shut his eyes tight, trying to keep himself in check and enjoy this a little longer, wanting Steve to keep touching him for as long as he could get away with.
And that was another thought that he had no interest in analyzing further.
Then Steve shifted the arm curled around his chest and unintentionally brushed his fingers over one of Bucky’s nipples, and the resulting hiss and moan that came shuddering out of Bucky took them both by surprise. Bucky felt his cheeks grow hot again, a twinge of embarrassment washing over him as Steve’s hand stilled for a second or two. But then it was moving again, stroking him firm and just the way he liked it, and to Bucky’s everlasting surprise... a very deliberate finger teased at his nipple very much on purpose.
“ Oh fuck ,” Bucky whimpered, hand reaching back blindly for something, anything, to hold on to amid the onslaught of sensations. He ended up clinging to the back of Steve’s neck, and Steve didn’t seem to mind as he continued driving Bucky towards a release that he could do nothing to stave off any longer. He worked him mercilessly until it was simply too much and he was spilling with a breathless moan, short nails digging into Steve’s neck a little harder than he intended.
After the last tremble faded away, Bucky let out a long sigh and laid back bonelessly against Steve. He pulled his hand away from Steve’s neck, not sure if it was still okay to touch him like that now that they were done, and they laid there silently for a few wonderful, silent moments.
Bucky kind of wanted it to stay like that forever. He could get used to this, he realized - not just the orgasms, but this... semi-cuddling after.
But it couldn’t stay like that forever, and before Bucky knew it Steve was gently pulling away from him. Bucky shifted to lay on his back and watched as Steve grabbed a small hand towel from the bedside table and used it to clean them up. He kept a few there now, apparently, and something about that fact made Bucky shiver all over again.
Then, as Steve was tossing it into a laundry basket not far away from the bed, Bucky’s eyes glanced down to Steve’s lap and it was like the entire world ground to a screeching halt. Bucky blinked once, twice, and then he let out a small and dumbstruck, “ Steve .”
Steve turned and looked at Bucky as if nothing was out of the ordinary. “Hm?”
Bucky blinked at him, then looked pointedly down and back up again. “You’re...” hard as a fuckin’ rock , Bucky wanted to say, but instead he licked his lips and asked, “Want some help with that?”
Steve glanced down as if he hadn’t noticed his massive erection until that moment - yeah right - and quickly shook his head. “Oh. No, it’s fine. No big deal. Don’t worry about it.”
Bucky narrowed his eyes, sitting up to level Steve with a disbelieving glare. “Seriously?”
Steve stared back like he genuinely couldn’t comprehend why this was an issue. “What?”
When Bucky simply continued staring at him with no small amount of exasperation, Steve finally dropped the act and sighed heavily, dropping his eyes.
“I just don’t... want this to turn into something where you feel obligated to do things you don’t really wanna do,” he explained, turning back to Bucky. “I don’t expect anything in return. And I wouldn’t ask for anything, either.”
“You know,” Bucky replied quietly, “you don’t have to be so damn selfless all the time, over everything . Gets kind of annoying.”
Steve’s lips quirked up. “Sorry. Force of habit.”
“Yeah, well...” Bucky paused and took a breath, trying to stay cool even though his heart was still pounding like crazy. “Doesn’t have to be so one-sided. No reason for it.”
“But if you don’t want to - “
“Steve,” Bucky murmured, “I do. I wanna make you feel good, the way you make me feel good.”
And that... that was not what he’d intended to say, not by a long shot. He panicked inwardly a little as soon as the words left his tongue, and he watched as Steve’s eyes dilated and a blush touched his cheeks.
“.... You mean that?” Steve asked, almost like he was afraid to ask.
“Yeah,” Bucky admitted. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m... not exactly the petite little dames you used to chase around Brooklyn,” Steve noted with a little smile.
“Well... we’re not in Brooklyn anymore, pal,” Bucky replied with a mirroring quirk of his lips. Then he took a chance and reached out, placing cool metal fingertips against the heated skin of Steve’s chest and pressing gently. “Lay back, Steve.”
Steve’s head hit the pillow with a soft thud, heated eyes glued to his best friend. Bucky looked him over, laid out before him like masculine beauty personified, eyes shyer than they ever were when Steve was touching him, and Bucky had to wonder...
“You’ve done this before... right?”
Steve shook his head, blush deepening. “No, never.”
Bucky’s eyes flew back up to his, disbelief written all over his face. Steve simply shrugged and smiled, something distinctly adorable about him in that moment, and Bucky sighed and reached down to tug at the waistband of Steve’s underwear. “You’re ridiculous, Steve.”
“Yeah... I know.”
Bucky had another wisecrack on the tip of his tongue but it died the very second Steve’s cock sprang free from the briefs that Bucky had pulled down. It was hard as hell, a little wet at the tip and it was... fuckin’ big and, if a dick could be pretty, then this one sure as hell was.
“Fucking hell, Steve,” Bucky groaned, reaching for it with his right hand and grasping it with far less trepidation than he himself had expected. But they were long past such silliness now, he figured, and besides... it was velvet soft and hot and fit in his hand rather nicely. He gave Steve a long stroke, from the top to the bottom and back again, and the way that Steve groaned made Bucky’s heart flip flop in his chest.
As Bucky took a moment to get familiar with the act of touching another man - his first time touching another person like this in decades - Steve watched with a clenched jaw and furrowed brows, fisting the sheets as he tried to maintain some semblance of self control. Bucky was too caught up to notice at first, at least until a few drops of pre-come caught his eye and, acting on pure instinct and curiosity, he leaned forward to lick it off.
Steve made a sound like he’d been punched, and Bucky’s eyes flew up to his. They stared at each other as Bucky continued to stroke him, Bucky not looking away as he slowly leaned in again and swirled his tongue around the tip. Steve made that noise again and let his head fall back, eyes falling shut, and Bucky was suddenly overcome with the urge to make him keep making those sounds, taste him more, give him anything he wanted.
Bucky slowly, carefully took Steve into his mouth, and Steve gasped at the feeling of a hot mouth engulfing him for the first time. Bucky took him down as far as he could before sliding back up, glancing up and finding Steve watching him, awestruck.
Bucky grinned as much as he could in his current position and then sucked Steve back down, determined to make this as good for Steve as he could. He worked his hand in sync with his mouth, building a rhythm that had Steve panting and reaching out towards him in aborted little movements, like he wanted to touch but was too afraid to. Bucky noticed the third time it happened and took his hand with his metal one and slipped it into his own hair, looking up at Steve with his mouth full and eyes welcoming the touch. Steve responded by curling his fingers into Bucky’s hair and letting out a rough moan as Bucky then redoubled his efforts, spurred on by the contact and just wanting to be good for his friend.
It didn’t take long after that for Steve’s breaths to start coming quicker, his blush reaching all the way down to his belly button as he squirmed beneath Bucky and began to tighten his grip in his hair. “Buck... Buck , I’m -“
Bucky simply groaned and sucked harder, wanting everything Steve had to give him. Steve gasped and his thighs began to quake, hips thrusting gently into Bucky’s mouth as he came with a deep, wrecked moan. Bucky made a bit of a mess with it, not quite as prepared as he’d thought he was, but he swallowed what he could and licked up the rest. He didn’t even think twice about it, finding that he didn’t mind the taste.
And Steve was, simply put, undone. He was boneless against the bed, naked and beautiful and flushed, chest heaving with heavy breaths, and Bucky’s chest ached a little as he looked him over. He wanted to curl up at his side, to press their foreheads together and kiss him until they couldn’t breathe, but that somehow felt like a far more insurmountable boundary than the ones they’d just crossed. Instead, he carefully pulled Steve’s underwear back up his thighs, tucking him back in and then tugged the covers up as he moved to lay down on his side of the bed.
But he didn’t go far. He laid facing Steve, the two men mere inches apart as Steve opened his eyes and looked at Bucky with a dazed, sleepy smile. Bucky grinned back, blushing and finding himself completely at a loss for words.
“ Wow ,” Steve breathed, and Bucky got the impression from his almost reverent tone that he’d just given Steve a life-altering experience.
“Yeah,” Bucky agreed, licking his now-swollen lips. Steve’s eyes flickered down to them before raising back up, and the look that they shared required no words, no conversation, no elaboration.
Something had shifted, and Bucky could feel it. He just wasn’t quite sure what it was just yet.