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“Mmm…Kurt, darling…maybe we should call it a night.” Adam sounded a little tortured but determined as he gently pulled Kurt’s arms out from underneath his sweater and tried to sit up as well as he could with his boyfriend draped half in his lap. He kissed the frown that creased Kurt’s forehead. “I have an early day tomorrow,” he added apologetically.
“That never stopped you before,” Kurt remarked, unable to keep the disappointment from his voice. “Is this about last night? I mean, the thing with the-” he dropped his voice to a whisper despite his room mates being out, “handcuffs, it was just something I’ve always wanted to try- we don’t have to do that again if you don’t want to…”
"No, no, Kurt that was fine,” Adam assured him quickly. “it was, um-” He cleared his throat and blushed a little, “more than fine, actually. It’s just…” He broke off and let out a deep breath. Kurt’s frown deepened and he sat up, sensing he wasn’t going to like what was coming. Adam looked troubled.
"I asked you to be honest with me so I owe it to you to be honest as well,” Adam started, and Kurt sucked in his lower lip.
“Um. I don’t really know how to say this, but…It seems like every night I come over, we end up having sex.”
Kurt shrugged a little, and Adam hurried to explain. “And please don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing! I think you’re amazing, and I love making love with you.”
"But?” Kurt supplied, and it looked like he was bracing himself. His eyes were narrowed and his face had gone blank.
“But,” Adam agreed, “Kurt, I just can’t help but get the feeling that lately that’s all you want from me. Like you don’t consider our date a success if we don’t- well…seal the deal.”
He rolled his eyes at himself a little. “Hundreds- thousands - of jealous guys would probably think I’m insane for complaining about this, but…I was kind of hoping there was more to us.” He gave Kurt a self-deprecating smile. “I’m sorry if that makes me old-fashioned or square.”
Kurt blinked, and for a moment, seemed too stunned to speak. He visibly swallowed away a sob and whispered: “I can’t believe I messed this up again.” He pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest, hugging his own shoulders.
Adam was taken aback by his reaction. “What do you mean, again? Messed what up? Kurt, talk to me. Don’t shut me out.”
Kurt looked back at him, his eyes wet. “I suck at relationships,” he declared. “First with Blaine, now you. I just- I never get it right.”
Adam frowned. “I don’t understand. What does Blaine have to do with this?” Was this the part where Kurt told him he longed back to his old boyfriend? That Adam wasn’t enough like him?
Kurt let out a shuddering breath. He directed his eyes at the coffee table, and blinked away tears without seeing what was in front of him.
“I came to New York thinking that was what Blaine wanted for me, too. That the long-distance thing was something we were going to try together. Only then, a few weeks later, he slept with someone else because he couldn’t wait for me any longer. He said he needed someone and I wasn’t there.”
Adam breathed in sharply but let Kurt continue. Kurt had never told him why he had broken up with Blaine, just that it had been hard.
"I told myself that if I ever found someone else, I would not make that mistake again.” Kurt paused.
Adam wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure if he was allowed to pass judgement on Kurt’s feelings. It would be best for all of them if he never met this Blaine character, for Adam wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself from doing something to him that would put him in jail! Adam balled his fist, his fingernails digging into his palm.
“Then I met you, and I realised I really wanted to be with you, so I figured- I thought…I should show you…I should give you…everything I could,” Kurt explained, rearranging and sorting out his words in a way that was uncharacteristic of him. He was usually a lot more eloquent. “All the magazines say healthy couples our age have sex at least once a week.”
The penny slowly dropped. Adam felt a sharp sting in his heart and was rather sure a chip had just splintered off.
“You thought that if you didn’t let me sleep with you on a regular basis, I’d find someone else who would?” he asked quietly.
Kurt shrugged, refusing to look at him.
Adam tried to gather his wits. He knew he had to tread very carefully to avoid hurting Kurt’s feelings, but he couldn’t just let this hang between them uncommented.
“Kurt, listen. I love you. I have never felt so close to anyone in my life, and making love to you is one of my favourite things in the whole world.” He put a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “But so is hearing you sing, or watching you read your magazines, or even listening to you arguing with Santana. Everything about you is my favourite thing, and I couldn’t get that from anyone else, nor would I want to.”
He squeezed Kurt’s shoulder softly. “I want to be intimate with you to show you how much I care, and to feel connected to you. It helps me know how you feel about me. But you can also show me that with your smile, with your eyes. With your self-baked cookies! I’m not keeping a tally on the bedpost to rate our relationship.”
He tried a smile, and added lightly: “I’m not a teenager any more, Kurt. I actually figured out the world does not revolve around my libido. It took me a while, trust me. But I’d like to think I’ve grown up a little since then.”
Kurt sniffed. It was clear to see he felt awkward.
Adam wished he could take that away. “What can I say to reassure you, Kurt?” he asked.
Kurt shrugged again.
Adam felt another surge of hatred towards the boy who had damaged Kurt’s trust so badly. He took Kurt’s hand and kissed his fingers one by one. “You are gorgeous and sexy and I am the luckiest man in the world. I would never risk losing you like that, even if… I don’t know, you decide to take a year off to study in New Zealand or take a trip around the world! I’d miss you terribly, every single day, and I’d be so busy thinking about you no one would have a chance of stealing my attention.”
Kurt turned to face him and smiled tentatively. “Why are you so nice to me?” he asked. He was not fishing for more compliments but just sounded curious.
"I can’t help myself,” Adam said, smiling back. “I love you.”
Kurt let out a soft sigh. “Will you please stay over tonight?” he asked. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”
Adam pulled him close until he was back against his chest the way he was before.
"Believe me, I want to. I just needed to make sure you weren’t taking advantage of me. I only have one heart, you know.” He winked.
Kurt finally smiled with his entire spirit again. “I’ll take good care of it,” he promised.