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“I’m s-sorry Jules,” Rue stammered as they stood alone together on the platform and the train faded into the darkness. “I wanted to not give a fuck, I wanted to go with you but I c-can’t.”
“Shhhh Rue, I know honey, I know. It’s okay.”
“No,” Rue argued through her tears, “listen to me,” she begged. “I’m not the girl you met that night. The girl that walked up to you and introduced herself after you fuckin cut your arm open.” A tiny, broken laugh punctured Rue’s sobs as she said that. “I’m not that girl that asked if I could come home with you, a total fucking stranger. And I’m not the girl that asked you to run away to the city with me twenty minutes ago, that’s not me, I’m not her.”
Jules could hear a note of panic bleed into Rue’s voice as her words came faster and faster.
“Okay, shhhh, okay, shhhh,” Jules chanted softly, pulling Rue against her, wrapping her arms around her. Rue’s body trembled with quick, gasping sobs and Jules held her tighter. “If you’re not that girl, then tell me who you are Rue,” she asked, grasping at anything she could think of to pull Rue out of the spiral she was falling into. “Tell me,” she implored.
Rue took a few stuttering breaths before she began to speak again, more slowly this time, her voice muffled as she spoke into Jules’ shoulder.
“I’m the girl that had to count the tiles above the table after dinner every night….I’m the girl that had to stand by her baby sister’s crib and count her little breaths as she slept because if I missed one, she’d die….I’m the girl who’s trapped in a body that reacts to everyday things like its a matter of life and death. The drugs let me escape that for a little while. But I’ll always be her, this girl. And I’ll always hold you back,” she finished. The panic was gone from Rue’s voice now, replaced by defeat.
“Rue,” Jules said firmly, pulling back from their embrace enough to hold Rue’s tear-stained face gently in her hands, helping her to look her in the eyes. “Did you listen to me earlier? I love you. I don’t wish you were different. You aren’t a burden. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you earlier, I got caught up in the moment. But I’m here now,” she whispered, pulling her back into the hug. “I hear you now.”
Jules ran her hand in comforting circles on Rue’s back until she felt her breath begin to even out and her body slowly relaxed. Once she was assured that Rue’s panic attack had been fully stopped in its tracks, Jules took a step back but kept ahold of her hand.
“Let’s go home, okay?”
Rue nodded, wiping the last of her tears on her sleeve.
- - -
They snuck quietly back into the house and up the stairs to Jules’ room.
Jules dug through her drawers, fishing out a cropped tank top and holding it out to Rue.
“I can’t believe you don’t own a single comfortable t-shirt to sleep in,” she complained playfully.
Jules shrugged, trying to hide her smile of relief at the return of Rue’s teasing tone.
“Hey, no one said you had to wear anything to sleep in,” she responded with a smirk as she began to undress herself and Rue looked down awkwardly and busied herself with pulling off her own pants and jacket.
Jules loved that. She loved that Rue seemed clueless as to how she should respond to flirty remarks like that. At least with Jules, anyway. It was almost painfully endearing. Her skin prickled with small sparks of arousal.
“You don’t have to do that, y’know,” she told Rue, now standing in just her underwear.
“Do what?”
“Look away. You always look away when I undress. You’re allowed to look.”
“I know,” Rue smiled furtively, “I spent a whole hour taking pictures of you half-naked.”
“But I don’t mean looking at me through the screen of my phone. I mean you’re allowed to look at me just because you want to.”
Rue chewed her bottom lip and nodded. “Okay,” she replied. It came out as a whisper.
The fitted red top she’d dressed Rue in was something of a mix between a blouse and a dress, so now that she had removed the pants underneath them, Jules got her first glimpse at what Rue would look like in a dress. In one sense, she looked amazing--red was definitely her color--but it also didn’t look entirely like her.
Jules felt her heartbeat pick up as she watched Rue reach behind her back and attempt to undo the clasps on the back of the corset-like top.
“C’mere,” she said softly and Rue turned around to let her help. She tried to ignore the way her fingertips shook ever so slightly as she undid the several small hooks and the top opened to reveal the full expanse of Rue’s back. Mesmerized, Jules let her fingers trace the shape of her delicate shoulder blades and her eyes fluttered shut as she leaned forward to place a soft kiss in between them. She felt Rue’s body shiver and goosebumps rise under her hands still resting on her back.
Moving closer, she wrapped her arms loosely around Rue’s torso from behind, mimicking the position they had stood in mere hours ago before leaving for the dance. Pulling Rue’s curls aside, she kissed softly up the side of her neck.
“Am I allowed?” she murmured against Rue’s warm skin.
“Huh?”
“To look.”
While Jules was comfortable with nudity, Rue seemed much more shy about her own body. Jules assumed it was just the sexual tension between them that had made Rue cautious, but wanted to make sure.
“Yeah,” Rue breathed.
Jules opened her eyes, making eye contact with her glassy-eyed girl in the mirror in front of them to ascertain Rue’s permission before reaching up and helping her finally slip out of the unfastened top.
Once Jules had tossed the garment onto a nearby chair, Rue stood in nothing but her plain black boy shorts underwear.
“There’s my Rue,” Jules cooed to her and Rue’s body posture relaxed as she let herself lean back slightly against Jules.
Jules rested her hands against Rue’s bare stomach and gazed at their intertwined figures in the mirror. The image along with the feeling of Rue’s stomach expanding under her hands with a deep sigh was almost unspeakably intimate. Her heart swelled with it.
“Maybe the girl that introduced herself to me that night at the party wasn’t fully you, but I’ll always be grateful to her for bringing you to me.”
Rue turned around in Jules’ arms and rested her forehead against hers as they’d done so many times before. Jules smiled, waiting. After a long moment of anticipation, Rue tilted her head to connect their lips. It was calmer than the kiss outside the dance. That kiss had been exhilarating, full of adrenaline and desperation like the world was ending and they only had so much time. Now, Rue kissed her like they had time.
Jules allowed her to control the pace at first, revelling in Rue’s restraint. It was all soft and sweet and gentle. Then Jules brushed her tongue lightly against Rue’s once, then a second time, before nipping at her bottom lip. She felt a rush of elation when Rue responded by reaching up to hold her face and deepen the kiss, sliding their tongues together. When they eventually separated to catch their breath, Jules moved to suck a kiss onto the pulse point of Rue’s neck, then pulled back to ask:
“Did you wanna put that tank top on?”
“Nah, I’m good,” Rue replied breathlessly.
“Good,” Jules grinned and started to walk them back toward her bed. Rue sank down onto it and Jules followed, crawling up the bed and pinning Rue’s body under her own.
Jules took her time, giving each part of Rue’s body the attention it deserved, starting with her collarbones. Jules briefly considered leaving a mark lower down in a more easily concealed part of the body but remembering Rue’s preferred attire of a t-shirt and hoodie, decided her clavicle was as good a place as any and sucked at her skin for a moment before brushing her tongue over the lightest of marks. Moving down to her chest, Jules kissed at her breasts, carefully taking her left nipple into her mouth and just barely letting her teeth drag across the hardened peak.
She smiled into Rue’s skin as she felt the girl’s hips press up slightly against her.
Glancing up every now and then to assess Rue’s reactions, Jules was met with flashes of her love’s bottom lip pinned harshly between her teeth, her eyes squeezed shut, her head thrown back framed by dark curls, and finally, her dark eyes hooded by softly sparkling lids meeting her own as Jules kissed her way down her body and positioned herself between Rue’s legs.
Based on Rue’s account of her sexual history, this would be her first experience of someone focusing entirely on her pleasure. Not to mention Jules’ first time being in control of providing that. She was accustomed to being used, a passive partner. This was uncharted territory for them both. A wave of nerves hit her, but faded as she brought a hand down to rest against Rue’s clothed center. Her middle finger found her clit and rubbed it lightly.
“J-jules,” Rue stammerd as her hips twitched up again, “fuck.”
Jules slipped a finger under the waistband of Rue’s underwear, giving it a little tug.
“Can I take these off baby?”
“Uh-huh,” Rue answered with an audible tremor in her voice.
Jules leaned forward to nuzzle Rue, mouthing softly at the fabric, then helped her slip out of it.
“Just tell me what feels good, okay honey?”
Rue nodded and Jules bowed her head, pressing a kiss to Rue’s left inner thigh, then her right, and finally dragging her lips lightly across her clit.
Jules started slow, testing out different movements from broad strokes of her tongue to small flicks to find what Rue liked and although the girl beneath her seemed incapable of providing coherent verbal direction, her whimpers and moans were enough to inform Jules she was on the right track. Only when Jules sucked lightly while at the same time rubbing her clit with the tip of her tongue did Rue quickly thread the fingers of her right hand into Jules’ hair as if she needed something to hold onto and whined.
“Like that Jules, oh my god, like that,” she begged.
Jules complied for a moment until she started to feel Rue’s legs shake. Pulling back, she replaced her tongue with her fingers and Rue whined again, louder this time.
“Shhhh,” Jules shushed her. “You’re okay, I’m right here.” She continually stimulated Rue’s clit with her index finger, but by the way her hips were straining upward, it was clear she was frustrated at the loss of Jules’ mouth. Jules used her other hand to pin her hips down.
“Just wanna know,” Jules started innocently, “if you’ve ever thought about me doing this for you,” she asked, punctuating the question with a tiny nip on Rue’s leg.
Rue tossed her head back and the hand not tangled in Jules’ hair gripped a fistful of the sheets.
“Y-yeah,” she admitted in a strained whisper. “I have.”
Almost dizzy with arousal at the idea of it, Jules was tempted to ask more, but a desperately whined, “Jules please” had her repositioning herself and saying,
“Come for me, sweetheart,” as she took Rue back into her mouth and moments later Rue was falling apart underneath her. Her hand tightened in her hair and she gasped her name. After working her through her orgasm, Jules moved back up Rue’s body to soothe her with languid kisses, then laid down next to her.
Propping herself up on her elbow, Rue gazed down at Jules, then brought a hand up to rest lightly on her flushed cheeks. She began to trail her index finger around her face, over her eyelids, the bridge of her nose, her lips. Jules closed her eyes and focused on following the feeling of Rue’s touch.
Her mom used to say you could tell a lot about a person by their hands. Her mom used to say a lot of things actually, much of which was bullshit, but Jules had found that one tidbit to be true. Rue’s hands, with her long, slender fingers were somehow both delicate and strong at the same time. Ring-adorned on her right hand and nothing on the left. Jules liked that asymmetry.
Her sketchbook contained several pages of artistic renderings of Rue’s hands, none of which fully captured their beauty because it lived not just in the way they looked but the way they moved too. Rue was intentional with her hands, with her touch. She had a strong grip but wouldn’t hold onto just anything.
Rue’s voice penetrated her trance.
“Can I touch you?”
Up to this point, she’d been so focused on pleasing Rue that her own arousal had been pushed to the back of her mind but Rue called the aching between her legs to the forefront.
“Please,” she breathed.
“What do you need?”
Jules smiled and took ahold of Rue’s hand that was still resting on her face, pressed a kiss into the center of her palm, then guided it down her body to the front of her underwear. The weight of Rue’s hand alone made her whine at the simultaneous relief and need for more.
With an open palm, Rue provided Jules the pressure and friction she needed and Jules rolled her hips upward to meet her. Rue pressed their lips together in a hot, messy kiss that was a vast departure from her usual caution in their physical interactions. Having been worked up for so long already, it didn’t take Jules much time to reach her own climax.
Rue held her through it, murmuring soft words of affection and as she drifted into her post-orgasm haze, Rue’s voice and body gave Jules something to anchor herself to.
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she finally opened her eyes to look up at Rue.
“Hey,” Rue whispered.
“Hi,” Jules responded, feeling unexpectedly shy.
“Do you wanna get cleaned up baby?” Rue asked and Jules nodded gratefully, only just becoming aware of the discomfort of her wet underwear.
“Okay, let me up for just a second,” Rue instructed. “I’ll be right back,” she added reassuringly, seeming to sense Jules’ reluctance to be left alone.
Rue moved quietly out of the bedroom reappearing a few moments later and, after making a quick stop at Jules’ dresser, she returned to the bed with a damp washcloth and clean pair of underwear. Rue glanced hesitantly at her and waited for Jules to give her a nod of encouragement before gently helping remove her underwear. She used the washcloth to carefully clean her up, then slid the new underwear up her legs.
Something about her careful attention to Jules’ comfort had a lump forming in her throat and her arms reaching up to pull Rue back into her embrace. Maybe it was her recent visits to see Rue in the hospital or the experience of watching over her as she came down from fentanyl that had obscured it until now, but underneath everything there was a calm, steady drive in Rue to look out for her loved ones, to care for them. Since first learning of Rue’s overdose, Jules had unconsciously begun to view Rue as perpetually in need of care and protection. Only now did she realize that for many years of Rue’s life, it had been the opposite.
The image of a twelve-year-old Rue, attentively caring for her dying father entered her mind and brought tears rolling down her cheeks. She buried her face in Rue’s neck and kept her breathing steady, not wanting to worry her with the unexpected outpouring of emotion, but a tear dropping onto Rue’s bare skin gave her away.
“Hey,” Rue murmured. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Jules answered, “just love you so much.”
“Are you sure?” Rue pressed. Jules wasn’t sure which of her statements Rue had doubts about. Maybe both.
“Yes. Promise.”
Rue somehow seemed to know Jules couldn’t articulate her emotion any further at the moment and simply pulled her closer, whispering, “I love you too.”
- - -
Jules let wakefulness slowly claim her. She first became aware of the body pressed against hers, then the slow breath ghosting across her collarbone, and finally, the bright sunlight streaming down from the skylight above her bed as she blinked her eyes open.
Once fully conscious, she focused her attention on the sleeping girl next to her, whose dark curls were scattered in a chaotic, beautiful halo around her head.
Running her hand through Rue’s hair, Jules attempted to wake her without success.
Rue emitted a sleepy groan of protest and snuggled closer to Jules, who sighed and allowed her a few more blissful minutes before trying again.
Wriggling her body slightly to extricate herself from Rue’s grip, she aligned their faces and tilted her head, letting her eyelashes flutter against Rue’s cheek. A slow smile spread across Rue’s face and a small giggle escaped her.
“Stoppppp,” she whined.
“Okay,” Jules agreed and switched to peppering her face with kisses.
“Alright, alright I’m up,” Rue conceded, grinning now and opening her eyes.
“Oh good,” Jules chirped, dropping one last peck on her lips. “C’mon, we should walk back to your house. It’s almost noon and you have some depression meds to take, right?”