Chapter Text
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Coldplay – The Scientist
“HAVE YOU MADE the decision not to return to the clan?” Antonio Moreno asked softly. “I do not mean to push, but these are questions I must ask since I as still responsible for you.”
I had called him because I’d heard that Brenda Brown’s father had died, and I wanted to offer my condolences. After he assured me that she was as well as could be expected, I’d broken the news that I had no intention of trying to regain the memories I had lost, memories of my life before I’d come to Detroit. While I had assured him that I still had every intention of trying to rebuild the relationships I’d had before I lost my memory in Russia, or at least most of them, Antonio was not happy with my choice.
“I don’t know,” I reluctantly admitted. “I called Senor dela Rocha once hoping that he’d show me how to do something, but he said I’d have to move to the chantry before he would. I don’t want to live in the chantry, Antonio.” I wanted to stay with the Gangrel pack who had found me, taken me in, made me part of their family. “If that’s what I must do to remain Tremere, then I guess my answer is no, I’m not going back. If we can work something different out, then fine.”
“Zach is right.” His voice sounded sad and tired, almost as if I’d disappointed him by rejecting the Tremere. “You would be considered a neonate again if you were to return and would not be taught anything you cannot remember without making a formal pledge once again to the clan. You cannot fault him for upholding tradition and the secrets of the arts. If it were up so me, I would say that it did not matter, but the Tremere Clan does not work like the Gangrel and that is something that you will have to remember.” He hesitated a moment, then asked, “If it is your decision to not return then I am obligated to make them aware of your choice, unless this is something that you have already done?”
“No, I haven’t talked to any Tremere, although I know they’ve been watching me.” Every time I went out to a bar or club, even restaurants with my boys, they were there, watching me. “Are they—are they going to make me come back?”
“I do not know. Now that you have decided, I will have to contact them and let the elders decide,” he told me. “I have never known of a situation like this one, so I do not know what to expect.”
“I suppose I’ll have to burn that bridge when I get there, won’t I?” I asked dryly. I’d been burning a lot of bridges lately, trying to erase the remnants of Christina Kline that remained buried in the dark recesses of my mind. “I hope they won’t hold you responsible for me not wanting to come back.”
“The leaders of the clan are fickle at times, but they have everyone’s best interest at heart,” he said carefully. “I cannot begin to guess what might befall me, but that is my cross to bear.”
“I understand.” I understood more than what he was saying. Kindred were responsible for the childer they created, even the ones they simply adopted when no one else wanted them. Antonio had adopted Christina years ago, and just because I couldn’t remember most of her life didn’t make him any less responsible for me, at least in the Tremere Clan’s eyes. “I’d like to thank you, Antonio, for everything you’ve done for me, especially before. I’m sorry for your sake that I can’t be what I was.”
“You can only be what you are, daughter.” Again, his voice sounded tired, even weary. “While I long for the days of the past, I look forward to those of the future. Be careful.”
When the call was over, I sat in the office for a long time, looking through the window into the shop area of the building and watching my friends working on a SUV, trying not to think about Antonio’s warning.
When I’d found myself in Detroit with no memories, I hadn’t been alone. Petor Andrews had been with me from the beginning of my life here, loyal to me without question. Christina had ghouled him during her trip to Russia, though neither of us remembered the week she’d spent there. He had thrown himself into the security agency I’d started and done his best to modify a fleet of vehicles for our use.
Frasier O’Connell had been Christina’s ghoul for a year before I’d woken on the streets of Detroit. The adjustment to living with the pack had been hard at first, but I hoped he was working through the issues he had with it. At first, he’d made every effort to become my lover, but when I’d turned to Scott, Frasier had reluctantly backed off. Now he was dating a Toreador, and seemed happy enough, for the most part.
Strong Security Agency was finally taking off. We’d had several successful jobs, the money from which had gone into tools and supplies for Petor to work on our small fleet of vehicles. All three vehicles now had Kevlar underframes and reinforced tires, bullet proof glass, revved up engines and their own weapons caches. We even had enough parts left over to do some modification to my Mustang and a few of the other pack cars.
Finally, I let my eyes fall on Scott Murphy and I felt a smile touch my lips. Though he didn’t belong to me as the other two men did, he was just as important. Scott had helped to ease the transition of my living here in Detroit. If it hadn’t been for him, I was certain that I wouldn’t still be here.
We were lovers, but we were friends too. Scott had never been talkative, but I didn’t really need someone to talk my ear off. I needed someone to accept me for who I was, and he did that. We shared the same views and opinions when it came to safety, and security, and protecting the rest of the pack. I was certain that Scott loved me, but I wasn’t really sure how I felt about him. I was certain that I needed him, and I liked him a great deal, but that didn’t necessarily mean I loved him.
I wasn’t even sure why I questioned my feelings for Scott, except that a part of me still thought about Christina’s husband from time to time. I knew that Jason Kline and I could never be together, that he would never accept me as I was, without Christina’s memories, but in a very real way I missed him. Jason was one of the reasons I’d decided not to pursue regaining my memory. I didn’t want to remember everything and hate myself because I’d pushed him away, chosen to stay with Scott rather than rebuild the marriage Jason had shared with Christina.
Scott was the other reason I’d decided not to try and get my memory back, the main reason really. He’d asked me to forget about being Tremere, to just be happy being Gangrel, and I’d agreed. I knew he thought that if I remembered Christina’s life and emotions I’d go running back to Jason. As much as I wanted to believe I wouldn’t do that, I honestly had no idea what would happen if I remembered her life. Rather than risk losing Scott, I’d turned my back on Christina’s memories and never once regretted my decision.
In my mind, Christina Kline had died somewhere in Russia saving Malcolm Robbins, her ex-mentor. Malcolm had repaid her by wiping her mind to erase all the pain she’d experienced in her life and sent her somewhere he thought she’d be safe. I knew now that he’d been right to leave me in Madelynne’s path. I was happy with Scott, with the pack, and I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
That wasn’t to say I didn’t want to know more about the magic I’d been told Christina had used with great skill. I had very little information on Thaumaturgy, but I did my best to practice what rituals I had been given, and what few skills I’d remembered. While it would be nice to have a mentor, I could live without one. I’d figure out what I could for myself and let the Tremere go to hell for all I cared.
Antonio wasn’t the only one who didn’t understand my decision. Brenda was very upset, as I’d known she would be, and she made no pretense otherwise when I called her a few weeks later to see how she was doing.
“I just don’t think I’d be happy if I got my memory back, not after everything that has happened,” I tried to explain. “And I don’t want to lose the relationships I have here in Detroit.”
“But you’re willing to give up what you had,” she retorted. “That’s obvious by the way you cast Jason aside.”
“I made a choice, Brenda, one I know that I’ll have to live with,” I said calmly. “If I did get my memory back, don’t you think I’d hate myself for breaking off with him?”
“You mean for kicking someone while they’re down,” she growled.
I shook my head though I knew she couldn’t see me. I knew she was still hurting from her father’s death, but that gave her no right to attack me. “I must have learned that from you.”
“Then I guess I taught you well,” she shot back. “He has no natural defenses to deal with what’s going on between the two of you. You loved him. I don’t care what you say now about Scott. You loved Jason. Down somewhere you still do.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but there was no way to know now that it was over between us. “That may be, but love doesn’t always make it work.”
“I know that better than anybody, but at least I let the sheets get cold before I brought in someone new.”
Silence burned the line as I struggled to keep a hold on my temper. I hadn’t told Brenda that I was sleeping with Scott, but I was betting that Jason had. They’d grown close since Christina’s disappearance. “Not that I have to say this, but when I slept with Scott, I didn’t remember Jason,” I told her, my voice as cold as ice. “Those sheets were brand fucking new. I’m not going to walk away from someone who doesn’t care what my name is for someone who wants me to be someone I’m not.”
“Jason was willing to try,” she protested angrily. “We’ve all played by your rules and in the end we all lost anyhow. You’ve decided not to try.”
“I would think that if I wasn’t trying, I wouldn’t be on the phone with you right now,” I pointed out, holding on to my calm by the skin of my teeth.
“When was the last time you talked on the phone to Jason?” she demanded. “I can deal with having you the way you are but I’m not your husband. I can build new memories with you but what about him?”
“Calling Jason would only hurt him,” I told her honestly. “I think I’ve already hurt him enough. Look I didn’t call to argue with you I just—I felt you deserved to know where I stand.”
The conversation didn’t last much longer. Like Antonio, she told me that the Tremere weren’t going to let me just walk away from them, though she was a bit more straightforward in her warning. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do but wait for them to make their move. It didn’t take them long.
Early one evening in the middle of February I got a call from Madelynne. She told me that Zach had showed up at the bar with his Malkavian sidekick Archie and wanted to talk to me. She advised me against seeing him, but I was tired of seeing Tremere everywhere I turned.
Scott wouldn’t let me go to the pub by myself and when we got there, he sat down at the table with me across from Zach and his friend. I could see Madelynne not far away, close enough to overhear whatever we said.
After a few niceties, Zach got right to the point. “Are you ready to come back home or are you going to wait until we bring you back?”
By the tone of his voice, he must have believed that he was being reasonable, but I didn’t see it that way. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be a cookie cutter Tremere.”
He continued to look at me levelly. “The countess and your sire have come to terms on your return to the clan.”
I didn’t like the sound of that, not at all. “What kind of terms?”
“You know I am the scourge of this city,” he said, avoiding my question. “If you do not return of your own accord, it will be my job to bring you in. I’d much rather handle this peacefully, but you will come back, one way or the other.”
I’d seen enough of Zach’s power when we had fought the Sabbat together that I knew I didn’t want it directed toward me, especially when I couldn’t remember how to use the Thaumaturgy he’d wielded with such skill. I was fairly confident about my own fighting ability, and Scott’s, but they wouldn’t help much if Zach decided to pick us up using only the power of his mind. “What exactly would happen if I went back to the Tremere?” I asked carefully.
“You and your ghouls would return to the chantry,” he replied evenly, “where you would be retrained on the art of being Tremere.”
Retrained probably meant reprogrammed, and I didn’t like the sounds of that either. “The chantry,” I repeated. “Does that mean that we would live there, not here?”
“You would have no reason to live here.”
“You want me to walk away from my friends, my life here,” I said in a low voice. “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that.”
“I’m sorry as well.” He sounded as if he meant it. “Is that your final word on the subject?”
“It is,” I replied firmly. “I’m not going back.”
“I’ll take my leave then.” He stood, pausing only to look at me for a moment, his eyes and voice hard. “I’ll be seeing you soon.”
I watched them walk out the door and wondered how much time I had before he came back for me, and what exactly he’d do when he did.
“You’re in trouble now,” Madelynne said as she sat down with us in the chair that Zach had vacated.
“What was I supposed to do, go with them?” I asked, shaking my head. “I don’t want to be another Brenda.”
“But you’d get to wear nice clothes,” Scott drawled.
Madelynne smiled. “Yeah, but could you be that much of a bitch?”
We talked for a little while about how to keep the Tremere from getting their hands on me, but we all knew there wasn’t a lot I could do in the long run except leave town, and I didn’t want to do that. Besides, short of going back to Salem I had no where to go.
Until we came up with something to get the Tremere off my ass, I planned on staying close to the pub. The boys would have to do the same, although I knew they wouldn’t like it, especially Petor. He’d gotten used to spending a lot of time at the agency, but that would have to stop, for now. He did argue at first, but once it became clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid, he agreed.