Archive of Our Own ^beta

Love has always been something Cesar never really understood. He knew his mother loved him. But he also knew she also loved chasing her high so much that she ran right out of their house trying to get ahold of it. He knew his brother loved him, but his brother also had him sleeping on the street, refusing to let him come home. And maybe his father loved him but he doesn’t remember the man whose name he bore because love wasn’t enough of a reason for him to stick around. Had it not been for his best friends, Cesar would’ve spent his life being certain that he either wasn’t loveable or that love wasn’t a good enough reason for someone not to hurt him.

Ruby, Monse, and Jamal came into Cesar’s life by chance and for once, it felt like one of God had finally dealt him a winning hand. Life wasn’t perfect but because of them, it was a bit better, a bit brighter. They looked out for him, they took care of him. But they also confused him, because no matter how many times Cesar screwed up or did something stupid, they were still in his life. When he asked them why, their answer was always the same: “because we love you.” They always said it so simply, as if there was nothing else to it. But there had to be. Because no one ever just loved Cesar Diaz. There was always a but --

“I love you but I love drugs too.”

“I love you but I can’t protect you anymore.”

“I love you but not enough to stay.”

He spent the better part of his friendship with Ruby, Monse, and Jamal waiting for their but. It hadn’t come yet, but he knows it will. It always does. But despite what he knew -- or what he thought he knew -- about love, it didn’t stop Cesar from from having a bit of hope that things will be different with them. And it unfortunately didn’t stop him from falling in love with his best friend.

Cesar always thought there would be A Moment when he knew he was in love; that the earth would stop spinning for a second or there would be fireworks exploding in the daytime or a bright beam of light would expel from the sun and fall on the person he was looking at and he’d just Know that they were the one. But that’s not how it happened, at least not for him. There were no fireworks or light, there was just Ruby Martinez.

And that’s how Cesar’s life had begun to end.

Because love was complicated enough. Falling in love with your best friend was an entirely different type of complicated. And being a boy in love with another boy? The definition of complicated.

* * *

Ruby had once asked him to tell him a secret, even though he didn’t so much as ask it as he did say it. And it was weird and random, but Ruby was faded at the time and Cesar had a bit of a contact high going, and that was exactly why he never hosted. His house was crawling with Santos more often than not, brown bottles with long necks and cans of something tasting like cough syrup and fat blunts were passed around without a second thought. Cesar wasn’t exactly straightedge, but he always preferred a clear head than one clouded with thick puffs of smoke. And Ruby, on the other hand, was much to “yeah, sure whatever” about that shit to be hanging out at his house. If memory serves, the last time Ruby came over, he got drunk off his ass, spit like he was Drake, and ended the truce between the two gangs. So, naturally, Cesar was a tad bit apprehensive about having him -- or anyone -- over.

Apparently, he needed to be more apprehensive about inebriated Ruby’s lack of filter more than inebriated Ruby.

His friend had been insistent; he needed to get out of his house, away from his mom and his siblings and memories of the beautiful girl who smelled good and died before she even got a chance to open her birthday presents. He was having was Jamal called a Bad Day and when Ruby had a Bad Day, he got antsy. Like he had an itch that couldn’t be scratched but damn it, if he didn’t try. So he begged Cesar to let him come over, even though Cesar told him about the other company his brother was hosting at the time. His friend didn’t care and Cesar’s always had a soft spot for Ruby.

And so, they ended up where they are now -- not entirely sober in Cesar’s room, the door shut but the music from his yard so loud they could easily hear the muffled bass like it was banging on the walls, demanding to be let inside. Ruby was lying on his bed in a weird way; his feet were facing the wall and his head was hanging off of the edge in a way that probably hurt but he didn’t seem too keen on moving. Cesar sat on his floor, close enough that he could feel Ruby’s breath tickling his ear as he spoke.

“Tell me a secret.”

“Like what?” was all Cesar could think to reply.

Upside-down Ruby did something similar to a shrug. “I don’t know. Anything. I can’t possibly know everything about you.”

He didn’t. No one did. Hell, there were probably things about himself that he didn’t even know. Cesar wasn’t an open book by any means and a decade of friendship has taught the crew not to ask certain questions anymore. The following topics were Permanently off limits: his mother, his father, the years of his life he lived while Oscar was locked up, and anything regarding intimate relationships (mostly because there wasn’t much to share on that front. Rucas only ever liked him because he was “dangerous” and even that was a surface level attraction. No one ever liked him for him).

Cesar sighed. “My secret is,” he started to say before he could stop himself, and this was exactly why he hated smoking. He became more of a puppet; it felt like someone else was controlling his strings. “I’m afraid.”

Ruby finally rolled over, wincing slightly in a way that let Cesar know he was right about how uncomfortable his lying position was, and he looked at him. “Afraid of what?” he asked, his voice soft in a way that Cesar wasn’t used to. People weren’t always soft with him.

“I’m,” as soon as the words came to mind, he shut his mouth. Because he couldn’t exactly tell Ruby “I’m afraid of you, of how much I love you, of hose much you mean to me, because I’m afraid that you’ll get tired of me or decided I’m too much too handle, that I’m not worth it anymore. I’m afraid that you’ll realize I don’t deserve you, that you can do better than settling for me and even though I want you to be different, I’m afraid that you’ll end up like everyone else. I’m afraid that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me and I’m so afraid of messing it up.”

There’s no way in hell he could tell him any of that.

So instead he says, “I’m afraid of the dark.”

Ruby raises an eyebrow. “Really?” he asks, skeptical.

Cesar just nods, keeping up the facade. “Yeah. Something about the unknown really gives me anxiety.” Not entirely a lie but so far from the truth at the same time.

* * *

It’s times like these that Cesar wishes his brother was a different person, because he needs advice and he doesn’t know where to go.

How can a kid so screwed up about love in general supposed to know if he’s in love? And what does “in love” even mean?

Being a product of the twenty-first century, Cesar decides the only logical way to find his answers is to Google them. Obviously.

“How to know if you’re in love” becomes just one of the many searches that end up in his history, along with numerous articles from online magazines and other websites. Lists with similar, if not the same, content bulleted for him to ponder over. Even a wikiHow page he briefly looks over before deciding that he can’t be so clueless that he needs pictures to spell it out for him. He gets lost in the world wide web, going from one clickbait title to the next, then somehow ending up on YouTube, watching a video of the characters of a Netflix show he never got into all had their own definitions of love. One had said, “It's just chilling, you know? Kickin' it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes. And like, not even wanting to go to sleep 'cuz then you might be without 'em for a moment and you don't want that,” which, okay, that made sense. Another had said, “It’s like you become more you, which normally is like ‘Blaaaaagh! Pow!’ But now it’s okay because the person, like, whoever—they chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff, whatever’s wrong, or bad, or hiding in you. Suddenly it’s alright. You don’t feel like such a freak anymore” which had made his chest ache in a weird way. His personal favorite was, “It’s like coming home after a long trip. That’s what love is like; it’s like coming home.” That’s the one that made his eyes sting with tears and he decided his research was done for the day.

Everyone seemed to know exactly what love was, what it felt like, what it was supposed to be like. But how the hell was he supposed to know anything about love when he had no examples to follow? His parents were a match made in hell, as he overheard some of the older Santos describing them. Even before his father disappeared, before Oscar and Cesar came into the picture, no one ever said what a happy couple his mother and father were.

Oscar never said much about the details of his love life. Cesar knew there had been one girl and he was so sure that the two of them were going to end up married one day, but then Oscar went away and so she went away, and now neither of them talk about her. She was good, and maybe that’s why Oscar let her leave as easily as he did, because deep down he didn’t think he deserved someone so good.

Maybe that’s why Cesar feels the way he does about Ruby Martinez. Ruby is good, and smart, and unsoiled, and everything that Cesar wishes he was but knows he never will be, and there’s no way in hell that the two of them could ever work out together.

* * *

Cesar had a problem.He was in love with his best friend. No matter how hard he tried to deny it. No matter how hard he tried to will these feelings away. How much he wished he didn’t feel this way. He was in love with his best friend.

He was in love with Ruby Martinez.

He wasn’t sure at first, because the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the way he felt about Ruby could easily describe how he felt about Jamal and Monse as well. Being with them made him feel warmth that even the sun couldn’t fill him with. They were the only three people in the world who he was able to let his guard down with. He could be himself around them, not worrying about having to be something other than he was. They made him feel like it was okay to be who he was. But there was something about Ruby, something that set him apart from the others. At first, Cesar hadn’t a clue what that Something was; all he knew was that his mind would linger back to thoughts of Ruby almost constantly, and that it was Ruby’s face who began making appearances in his dreams at night, and it was Ruby who he was always yearning to spend more time with, it was Ruby who he was missing when he was by himself.

And maybe it was the little things. Like how Ruby always answered his late night phone calls when he couldn’t sleep, how even though Cesar knew his friend was tired he would stay awake and talk to him anyway. Or how he always packed extra snacks in his lunch box to share with Cesar but always acted like he just happened to have too much food with him. Or how a couple of Cesar’s shirts are tucked away in Ruby’s drawers, just in case. Or how Ruby’s neurotic tendencies never annoyed you, but instead you thought they were adorable, that he was so passionate it made him borderline controlling. There were so many little things that Cesar once overlooked or brushed off, until they became the big things that he couldn’t ignore anymore. It was as if the chambers of his heart were all slowly becoming full of reasons to love Ruby, and sure enough, Ruby became his whole heart.

And it terrified him.

Because love never worked out in his favor.

* * *
In hindsight, the stupidest thing Cesar could’ve done was actually the best decision he made. Of course, he had no idea at the time. No, at the time, all he knew was that Abuelita had a secret stash of vodka under hidden by the washing machine -- at least, that’s where Ruby said he found it. “I can’t believe she’s been hoarding this shit,” he had said into the phone. Cesar heard bottles clinking together in the background. “Anyway, come over so I don’t find myself at an AA meeting for drinking alone.”

And that’s how Cesar ended up drunk with Ruby, the two of them giggling obviously at nothing and everything on the floor of his bedroom. Even though Cesar didn’t like how uninhibited he became when he drank because it always felt like too much of a gamble, he couldn’t deny how nice it felt to be drinking with Ruby. How warm and weightless he felt, and for once, how unafraid he felt.

They somehow managed to push Mario’s bed up against Ruby’s without waking the entire house or breaking anything. Ruby immediately throws himself onto the mattress, his sweat-soaked gray t-shirt riding up slightly as he flops down. Cesar wills himself to look anywhere else as he makes himself comfortable, lying on his stomach next to Ruby, who damn near passed out the second he had laid down. Cesar rolls his eyes but can’t help the feeling of fondness that washes over him seeing how relaxed Ruby is. Something in him -- probably the influx of alcohol he had consumed -- says to hell with it, and Cesar beings to idly run his fingers through Ruby’s hair. It’s damp with sweat but soft, his fingers getting lost in the loose curls atop his head. He keeps this up, stilling when the other boy sighs contentedly, but resumes once he made no other movement. Certain that Ruby was asleep, Cesar tucks a strand of his hair behind his ear so he can cup his cheek in his hand. Ruby’s skin is so soft, Cesar imagines that this must be what touching a cloud feels like. It makes his bones crackle with electricity. It makes his chest hurt so good.

“You’re the most beautiful person in the whole world,” Cesar softly slurs to him, the last of his functioning brain cells swimming in the remains of vodka and coke, otherwise he certainly would not be this bold -- even if Ruby was sleeping. “You’re just so fucking beautiful. And you’re good, you’re so good Ruby. You’re the best person I know. I don’t know what I did to end up with you in my life but I am so grateful that I did it.”

Sighing, he continues to ramble, “People like me don’t get miracles. But somehow, I got you. You’re my miracle, Ruby, I just know you are.”

“You have no idea,” he says so softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “Just how in love with you I am.” As he realizes what he’s said, Cesar’s overcome with emotion, his eyes burning and his throat swelling. He’s endlessly thankful that Ruby is asleep because there’s no way in hell he’d ever say this out loud otherwise. “I’m in love with you, and it sucks because you’ll never love me the way I love you. But loving you is probably the only thing I’ve ever gotten right in life. Even if I feel like I got it completely wrong by falling in love with my straight best friend. But loving you feels right. It feels like -- I don’t know, I don’t think I believe in fate and soulmates and all that shit, but this, us, feels like God just kind of went, yeah, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Because loving you is the only thing that’s ever made sense in my life.” He feels out of breath, saying everything he’s kept to himself for so long, but now that he’s started, he can’t find it in him to stop. It’s almost cathartic, and maybe that’s why he keeps talking. “I wish I could be someone who deserves you, but I’m not. I know you’ll never love me the way that I love you, and that’s okay. Because at least I have you and as long as I don’t lose you, I’ll be okay.” He almost wishes Ruby was awake to hear this, but deep down, he knows how awful that would be. Ruby can never know any of this; he can’t risk screwing up something so important to him.

With another sigh, Cesar admittedly feels light after saying all of this but he can’t deny the sense of sadness washing over him. Shutting his eyes, he takes a moment to regroup, to calm himself down. But he figures in the brief moment of him closing his eyes, he must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing he knows, he feels a pair of lips against his own. Hesitant at first, but the kiss soon becomes anything but chaste and Cesar’s subconscious must be throwing him a pity party because why else would this be happening?

Regardless, no matter how many times he’s entertained the idea of this happening, kissing Ruby is always going to be Cesar’s favorite dream. Ruby’s soft lips and warm breath against his mouth, their lips forming together damn near perfectly. Cesar hears a sigh and assumes it has to be from him because it sounds too real to come from Dream Ruby. But then there’s a hand caressing his cheek, gently holding him in place while their kiss continues, and it makes Cesar ache because it feels so real that he knows he’s going to dread waking up.

He breaks the kiss only to catch his breath, keeping their foreheads touching, the hand still resting on his cheek. The space between them is so small, Cesar can smell the vodka still lingering on Ruby’s lips. Slowly, he opens his eyes, feeling warm and fuzzy all over like after a first round of shots. And when he does, everything comes to a crashing halt; it steals his breath away and he forgets how to breathe for a minute, chest constricting painfully while his lungs beg him to exhale. But he can’t. Because now that his eyes are open, he can see that he’s in Ruby’s bed with Mario’s pushed up next to it and Ruby’s in his gray t-shirt soaked with sweat. He can see that this isn’t a dream. He was really kissing Ruby.

Cesar gets up so fast he falls off of the bed and tumbles to the floor, crawling on his hands and knees to scramble away as quickly as possible before he starts crying. He’s never been so humiliated, so terrified, in his life -- granted it’s only been fifteen years but still, he remembers enough to categorize his Worst moments accordingly. And this one just made the Top Ten List of Things He Will Have To Burn From His Memory If He Wants to Live Peacefully. But he needs to go, to get the hell out of here before Ruby can freak out on him.

“Shit - I’m so - I’m so sorry, Ruby - shit,” he stutters worse than he usually does when he’s worked up and he blames it on the alcohol (if he wasn’t so frantic he’d take a moment to thank Jamie Foxx for blessing us with an always valid explanation for our own stupidity; who needs to own up to their fuck ups when there’s an entire song of excuses to be recycled?).

“Cesar, stop,” Ruby reaches out for him, grabbing his hands and it feels like he’s being burned alive. Ruby’s touch always leaves him feeling warm but right now, he feels like a sinner in church. It hurts to know what you’ll never be blessed with. “Cesar, please, just listen to me.” Even in his panicked state, he can’t help but to give Ruby what he asks for. “You have nothing to apologize for,” Ruby insists. “Because I kissed you.”

Pause. Rewind. What the fuck?

Cesar’s sure his face must be fifty shades of comical because Ruby cracks the smallest smile, despite the red blush coating his cheeks currently. “I kissed you,” he repeats. “And I did it because I heard everything you said.”

Oh my god. “Oh my god,” Cesar whispers. This moment just graduated from Top Ten to Top Five.

“I’m sorry,” Ruby quickly apologizes. “I - I was awake when you started talking and I know I should’ve said something but - but I never thought I’d ever hear you say the things you were saying to me. Honestly, I thought I was dreaming at first because I was so sure there was no way in hell you’d ever like me the way I like you.”

Cesar feels that familiar ache in his chest again, notifying him that he stopped breathing again. But how the hell was he supposed to breathe when Ruby just admitted to liking him? “Y- you -” he stops, swallowing down his anxious stutter, and shakily whispers, “You what?”

The blush reaches the tips of Ruby’s ears. “I like you,” he whispers. Cesar realizes that Ruby’s still holding both of his hands, clutching them so tightly, like he’s scared to know what’ll happen if he lets go. “I - I think I love you, Cesar. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, not the way I feel about you. But I’ve felt like this for the longest time. Everything you said, that’s exactly how I feel about you.”

Cesar’s still convinced that this is a fever dream or some elaborate prank that the universe came up with, and all he can do is whisper, “You - what?”

Ruby lets go of one of Cesar’s hands to gently cup his cheek and the warmth that felt like home filled Cesar’s entire body once again. “I’m in love with you, Cesar,” Ruby whispers. Cesar could hear him say those words over and over again and he still wouldn’t know if he could believe them.

“You’re drunk,” he replies.

“So are you,” Ruby counters.

“Yeah, but I -” Cesar sighs, shaking his head a little. “You’re drunk.”

But Ruby’s insistent. “Cesar, I’ve loved you before I ever tasted alcohol. I loved you then and I love you now.” Cesar waits, but the “but” never follows and his heart constricts in his chest. He can’t stop himself from leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Ruby’s. He shouldn’t, but he thinks he might believe him.

“Promise me you’ll remember this when you’re sober,” he softly pleads.

“I promise,” Ruby tells him, then whispers, “I won’t remember anything else.”

Despite all that he knows about love and promises, Cesar clings to that bit of hope Ruby just gave him.

* * *

When Cesar wakes up the next morning, his head is throbbing and Ruby’s awake next to him. “Hi,” he whispers shyly, blushing all the way up to his ears, biting his lip to try and conceal the growing smile on his face.

“Hi,” Cesar whispers, hoping the nausea he feels isn’t because he’s hungover.

There’s a moment of awkward silence but Ruby breaks it, whispering, “I remember.” He pauses. “I remember and I love you.” His voice shakes but he sounds so sure.

Cesar’s teeth are chattering with how much he’s shaking. He wasn’t expecting this. He was so sure that Ruby would’ve woken up before him, brushed his teeth to rid himself the taste of Cesar on his lips, and then told him that last night was something they’d never talk about again. But Ruby had proved him so wrong and he doesn’t exactly know what to do.

So he does the only thing that makes sense. He kisses Ruby, when he’s awake and sober, and he smiles so wide when Ruby kisses him back that they have to pull apart because he can’t stop smiling enough to actually kiss him anymore.

Cesar may not know much about love. But he’s looking forward to Ruby teaching him.