Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Welcome! Everything is Good!

Anathema had been starting at those lime green words for the better part of a minute and still, she couldn’t quite comprehend what they were doing there, on the wall. Or rather she couldn’t comprehend why she was sitting in a rather well-lit waiting room when just a second ago she was riding her bike home, in the middle of the night. And even worse she couldn't comprehend why she felt quite so calm about all of it.

A door to her right inched open and a slender man in sunglasses moved into view.

“Anathema Device? My name is Crowley come on in”

Now Anathema had never been particularly religious, spiritual is what she would call herself if pushed, which meant that she read her horoscope in the paper and subscribed to a rather enormous amount of occultist magazines. This had prepared her for a ridiculously large number of unlikely occurrences, this, however, was not one of them.

“You, Anathema Device, are dead,” said Crowley, with a surprising level of calmness for the words he was delivering “but don’t worry, your wonderful actions on earth have earned you a spot in The Good Place”

“oh right, lovely” Anathemas mouth felt like it was on autopilot, this should be freaking her out, but it wasn’t, she hoped it wasn’t all going to register in a second and drive her insane.

“You see” Crowley waved a hand conjuring up what closely resembled a touchscreen board, only without the board “when you die you have acquired a total number of points from your actions on earth and you did enough good to get here” as he speaks his words are represented by string of numbers and a list of deeds that Anathema can vaguely recall.

“But enough about you” Crowley leant across the table conspiratorially “let's have a look around”

Heaven, or The Good Place, looks absolutely nothing like Anathema would have imagined if she had ever been told to imagine heaven during her time on earth. In place of clouds and harps, there appear to be pastel-toned streets and a rather alarming number of crepe shops.

Crowley sauntered ahead of her pointing to various landmarks and waving to the people that line the streets and Anathema thinks that she may finally be beginning to freak out.

“I'm sorry to ask, but are you like, an Angel?” she asked deciding it was a fairly safe question to ask her odd guide.

The look on his face is one she can't quite place but would rank somewhere between shock and horror.

“oh no! I’m just an architect! I designed the neighbourhood!”

“you designed this?” Anathema took another look and to give Crowley credit she could appreciate some good city planning when she saw it and she could certainly see it now.

“Every tree, house and shop was designed to be perfect for the residents, it's my first job you see so I need it to go perfectly" Crowley had dropped his voice confidentially at this information, so Anathema smiled as reassuringly as she could.

“It looks fantastic, but is there…”

“Ah, ah, ah” Crowley cut her off “if you have any questions then all you need to do is ask Aziraphale”

"Whose Aziraphale?”

“Hello,” said a voice at Anathemas shoulder and she spun around nearly knocking over a small middle-aged man in a creme suit who has appeared next to her as if from nowhere.

“Aziraphale” explained Crowley “is your guide here, just ask for him and he's happy to answer any question you may have, he knows everything there is to know," Anathema thought she might be imagining it but a hint of pride seemed to slip into Crowley's voice as he spoke.

“I'm always happy to assist” Aziraphale continued as if they hadn't interrupted him “would you like a cup of cocoa?” He held one out to her that Anathema could almost swear he wasn't holding before

“oh forgot to mention” Crowley waved vaguely “Aziraphale can also create anything you want, just ask”

Anathema refused the cocoa, but accepted a map of the neighbourhood, though Crowley didn't seem keen to let her explore but instead steered her toward a more residential area leaving Aziraphale to finish the cocoa himself.

He came to a stop in front of a small but idyllic cottage coated in flowers and vines, the image of the house of her dreams.

“your forever home” he announced and Anathema couldn't help but grin

“and inside” he continued nudging her arm “is your soulmate”

“my soulmate? That's a thing?’

“of course! Now this person has been matched to you personally, based on a huge amount of factors so I know you are going to love him”

Feeling more than a little overwhelmed, Anathema was unceremoniously shoved into the house by Crowley, it was perfect, of course, decorated exactly how she would have decorated her home if she had been a little more English and more open about her occult interests.

“Newt!” Crowley called “that's your soulmate, he's perfect, a genius computer engineer, he invented a system that would easy recognise hate speech on all social media platforms, he was also a philanthropist and spent almost all his spare time volunteering, at a food bank, or in animal shelters” Crowley lowered his voice and added “he is also exactly your type” with a rather unnecessary wink.

Crashes from the room ahead of them attracted their attention and the two of them hurried into what turned out to be a kitchen where a nervous-looking young man was picking up a pile of pans he appeared to have knocked onto the floor.

“ah Newt,” Crowley said unfazed “this is your soulmate Anathema”

“Lovely to meet you” Newt held out his hand to her and as she studied him she Crowley was completely wrong about him being her type, however, he was also completely right, which was a little disconcerting. He was definitely tall, dark and mostly handsome, however, he also looked as if he’d recently been pulled throw a hedge backwards and was dressed like a teacher, who was trying to be cool and failing miserably. He also looked completely terrified which didn't exactly add to the effect.

“Wonderful” declared Crowley, "so I will leave you two to get to know each other"

“of course..” Anathema started but he was already gone leaving her alone in the idyllic cottage with someone who looked on the verge of a panic attack.

“I've heard so much about you” Newt started his voice wobbling somewhere between cheerful and hysterical “you're really great’

“and you seem pretty amazing too” Anathema decided, he was in The Good Place after all and her soulmate to boot, and she as a rule didn't argue with these things “would you like a cup of tea?”

…

Crowley flung himself into his chair with a satisfied grin.

“looks like we are off to a swimming start” he declared to no-one in particular.

“You had better be” the screen let into action showing Beezlebub’s face floating several feet in front of his “you know you had better succeed or your life is on the line”

“Ugk yeah no I know” Crowley sat up straighter and forced himself to look professional“ this is going to be great, comply revolutionize torture”

“anything else is a failure" Beelzebub assured him “we'll be keeping an eye on you”

“ngk no sure” Crowley promised desperately as Beezlebub’s face faded from view.

“Aziraphale” he called into the open-air

“yes” the familiar voice echoed from behind him

“its time to initiate phase one: welcome party”

…

Newt was having a terrible time, which was odd, considering he was in heaven. However, he definitely wasn’t supposed to be in heaven, so there was that. The name on the file Crowley had presented to him was his, it's contents were not, he had actually been a rather unadventurous wages clerk, not any kind of genius philanthropist no matter how much he might have wanted to be one.

And worst of all there was now a legitimately good person in his kitchen making tea who thought she was his soulmate.

“I need to tell you something,” he said voice moving a thousand times faster than his brain.

His maybe soulmate turned around looking cheerfully curious, and Newt desperately, so so wanted to be who she thought he was, but he wasn’t and he was pretty sure lying was somewhere in the seven deadly sins, so he was going to tell her.

“I'm lactose intolerant," that had not been what he’d meant to say and now she was looking even more confused.

"that's fine," she said clearly nonplussed "this is heaven there'll be alternatives"

“okay right chill” Newt offered lamely, cringing internally, so he had lied, well he hadn’t actually lied he just hadn't told the truth which he was sure was totally different. It had to be.

“what this” Anathema held up piece of paper that seemed to have just appeared spontaneously on the table, which was something that had happened all too often, so Newt figured he should at some point stop been surprised.

“oh, our neighbours are having a welcome party!” she declared and he forced himself to smile and nod hoping he looked at least a little calmer.

“It'll be good to get to know the others” she continued “and each other”

Her smile was a little too warm and Newt knew that at least this was one weird thing they could talk about.

“do you not find this whole soulmate thing a bit odd?” he asked

“no?” Anathema looked truly confused, “this is just one of those heavenly things, fate and all"

"yeah, but like how do they know?" Newt asked desperately "like I barely know you and we have to live together?"

"I'm sorry?" and now she's looking offended, can this day possibly get any worse?

"you know, forget about it!" Newt figures maybe questioning thing too much is a sign he shouldn't be here in which case he is absolutely screwed "I probably just need to get used to it!"

"yeah" Anathema is smiling now and he's a little relieved and a lot guilty, "and I reckon the party will be the perfect place for that"

...

As he arranged a pile of ornamental cupcakes, Aziraphale came to the conclusion that he probably shouldn't be doing this.

Granted he had come to this realisation multiple times since he had half volunteered, half been tricked into helping Crowley build this fake heaven to screw with a bunch of humans.

It was, he was sure, a better option than hell, or The Bad Place, but then again, he was an angel and he really shouldn't be torturing humans in any form, even the most gentle way.

Still, this was only four humans, he could cope, and if this did all go wrong he did at least have a safe alternative and a place to fall back to.

Crowley however...

Aziraphale tried not to think too much about what would happen to Crowley if this all fell apart. He hadn't known the demon for long but he had quickly learnt to appreciate his quick thinking and bold ideas, as well as his far nicer approach to eternal torment. The idea that this frankly rather brilliant creature could be melted into hot goo if this went wrong was enough to turn Aziraphale's non-existent stomach.

So he was going to help and do his part, he owed that to Crowley and, he reminded himself, it wasn't as if these were particularly good humans.

...

The welcome party was gorgeous, of course, in fact, it was good enough that Anathema could partially overlook her nervous wreck of a soulmate and agree that maybe she was in heaven after all.

She hadn't actually seen the host, a woman she was pretty sure was named Tracy but was assured by everyone she ran into that she was wonderful, which seemed to be a word used to describe everyone here.

The house was very different to hers, bigger and brighter, and impeccably decorated, she admired a very impressive stack of brightly coloured cupcakes as Newt darted off to get drinks. Say what she would about her soulmate, he was at least enthusiastic and nice, which was a low bar sure, but an alright starting point.

She decided that she might as well relax. She was in heaven after all and if she needed to take a break, she had the rest of eternity to do it. So she resolved to settle in for a welcome break from deadlines and worries.

Newt had barely rejoined her with two glasses of some extremely fancy looking cocktail when her dreams of a calm evening were ruined by a frantic looking Crowley dashing over to them.

He looked rough obviously concerned, and when he spoke he was slightly out of breath "Newt I need your help now"

"whats going on?" Anathema asked, not keen to relinquish her soulmate without explanation.

"its the computers in here, they're meant to be used for karaoke later but I'm terrible with human technology and I think I crashed them, I need Newt to get them up and working, he's the only one I think could of who could do it"

Newt had tuned very pale but responded resolutely "yeah sure I can take a look"

"You can come along too Anathema" Crowley suggested "two human heads are better than one as you say"

He leads them into a side room where a system, even Anathema can recognise as spectacular, has been set up. The screens seem to be showing a karaoke game but its blurry and glitches every other second.

"I'll leave you humans to it" Crowley called and promptly abandoned them

"right," Newt said looking terrified and moved to examine the wires, this Anathema reckons, should be good for him something he can do.

"ah this is it!" he decided, leaning a hand on the system as if on cue all the screens glitched at once and faded to black with a threatening hiss.

"what happened," she asked

"I don't know" Newt had somehow turned even paler and looked like he was about to be sick.

"I thought you were the genius computer engineer?' Newt winced visibly and Anathema’s blood turned cold

"I should have told you earlier I just panicked"

"what is it?"

"I'm not who you think I am"

"Who are you then?' Anathema asks still willing this not to be happening

"Well my name IS Newt Pulsifer but I'm not a computer engineer, I'm a wages clerk"

"you mean?"

"I'm not meant to be here, I'm not meant to be in The Good Place"

Chapter Text

“We have to tell Crowley”

Newts eyes widened and he visibly appeared to be freaking out,

“please you can't do that”

Anathema was almost at the end of her tether, this is not what she wanted for the next life, and honestly getting an authority figure to intervene now would make her life a whole lot easier.

“why not?"

“because I asked Crowley what would happen if you didn’t get into The Good Place and he said you are tortured for eternity! I don't want that!"
Newt broke off looking at her pleadingly "I know I wasn't exactly amazing but I don’t deserve to go to hell! I never did anything bad, in fact, I never did anything! I shouldn’t be in The Bad Place, I should be in like a medium place”

“but that doesn't exist?” Anathema worked through the scenarios in her head, it did seem ridiculous that the alternative to this was eternal torment, but Newt didn't appear to be lying. And while he was far from her dream soulmate she baulked at the idea of sending him to hell.

“Look I won't tell Crowley now” Anathema assured and Newt broke into a relieved smile “but if anything goes wrong don't think I won't tell him”

“sure! of course,,” Newt said looking so relieved she knew she did the right thing.

“now let's see if we can fix this computer"

Newt may be a disaster with technology, but he does have pretty decent knowledge as long as he doesn’t do anything practical, so together they turn the computers on and off until they jump back into life, perfect timing it turned out as Crowley reentered the room almost exactly as they restarted.

Anathema wasn’t sure but he looked a little disappointed, but quickly moved into delight as thanked them. They followed him out and stood awkwardly in front of the crowd as Crowley led a round of applause for them, “saving the day’

“do you wanna play karaoke?’ Newt asked as the attention finally was moved from them and Anathema shook her head,

“let's head off, we have a lot to work through”

“yeah” Newt agreed, “ I hate karaokê anyway”

“same” Anathema replied and they shared a smile, she couldn't help but wonder if maybe this secrets thing was actually good, nothing bonds people faster than a shared secret and she could really use a friend right now.

….

“This is a disaster”

Crowley was hanging off his chair, head on the floor and legs in that air, he looked ridiculous, Aziraphale decided, but he couldn't help but smile.

“it's not a disaster, its a setback, and I’m sure everything else is going to plan” he comforted, as he sank into a chair opposite Crowley

“Seriously?” the demon straightened up with inhuman speed “they got it to the work, that should have been impossible, I don't even know if he told her he wasn't supposed to be here”

“he did” Aziraphale assures and Crowley sighed in relief.

“well there's one good thing”

“No? That's exactly what you wanted! Sure you missed out on a little momentary awkwardness but it's all going to plan”

“yeah yeah,” Crowley was nodding now, “well better get to work then!”

"You should take a break" Azirapahle argued and Crowley looked so confused at his suggestion, that for a second the angel wondered if demons even took breaks at all.

“no rest for the wicked” he responded finally, a small smile on his face that was suitably wicked.

“not even one glass?” Aziraphale held out a bottle of wine, and he saw Crowley hesitate.

“Are you seriously trying to tempt me, Angel?” Crowley teased a look in his eyes Azirphale couldn't quite name.

“maybe some of your evil is rubbing off”

“I sincerely hope not”

Aziraphale conjured two glasses to match the wine, “one drink can't hurt”

“I suppose not” Crowley reached a hand out to take a glass “you better not be trying to sabotage me,” he said lightly, a smile playing across his mouth.

“of course not! We’re in this together”

…

"We're going to meet the neighbours”

Anathema announced cheerily and Newt winced.

“Do we have to? Didn't we go to their party yesterday?”

“oh come on” she rolled her eyes dramatically, “we didn’t even see them! And if you're gonna blend in you need to talk to more people than me"

Newt had to concede that its a decent point, so it's with a great deal of reluctance that they summon a pile of muffins and scribble a thank you note and head over to the big house across the way.

The door was opened by a smiling woman, with bright red hair and a dress sense Newt could only describe as eclectic.

"oh you must be Anathema' she gushed clutching her hand, and then turning to Newt she breaks into an even brighter smile "and this must be the charming young man who saved the party!"

"oh um, thanks" Newt responded trying his best to keep his smile even.

"Come in come in" she called ushering the through the door into her hall.

She chattered brightly as the walked about the party and how absolutely wonderful it was to have someone to talk to.

"what about your soulmate?" Anathema wanted to know, and Tracy's face fell visibly.

"well he's very religious" she explained carefully, "he's Polish and was part of a sect that took a vow of silence so you know he just...doesn't speak, "

"oh dear" Anathema sympathised "but I'm sure he'll come around when he realises has no-one left to impress"

"oh you are a dear" Tracy beamed, "come on I'll introduce you"

Her soulmate did look a little like the kind of person to be involved in a cult of some description, with a short white beard, robe-like clothes and a look on his face that was almost a scowl. His name as it turned out was Szymon and he was as a Tracy assured very silent. He was a little disconcerting actually and Newt couldn't help but wonder is someone, as committed to spiritualism, would notice he wasn’t supposed to be her.

He was broken out of his nervous mental gymnastics, by Tracy suggesting he goes to grab some plates, she also suggested Syzom shows him the way leaving him alone with the last person he wanted to be left alone with.

He tried his best to seem impassive, so didn't try to engage Szymon in any way, he decided it was best if he just grabbed plates and headed back to where he could rely on Anathema to talk for him. He wasn't counting on his own natural clumsiness sabotaging him.

"Fork!" he swore loudly, crashing to the floor sending plates scattering and smashing across the tiles.

"ugh," he said sitting up rubbing his head and assessing the damage "Wait can we not swear?" he asks Syzmon suddenly and while it was hardly the natural reaction it was ll he could think.

"fork" he experimented, "shirt, ohh this is weird!"

Szymon looked at Newt with an unreadable expression and he quickly moved to pick up the plates feeling unbearably guilty for some reason, while some collected more to replace the one that had broke.

He then gestured toward the side where a concerningly sharp life was lying. Newt picked it up gingerly and tuned back for further instructions. Szymon gestured incomprehensibly, and Newt stared in confusion finally lifting it and nervously miming stabbing in the air. Syzomn looked even more confused and pointed more clearly to the side where a cake was left.

"Sorry", Newt said, wishing the earth would swallow him up.

On their way back Anathema seemed cheerful, she clearly got on well with Tracy and Newt wished he could say the same.

"So how do you think that went?" she asked brightly

Newt took a deep breath "I broke a load of plates, discovered we can't swear, oh and Szymon probably thinks I'm a homicidal manic" he admits forcing his voice to be light.

Anathema looked at him in disbelief

"it's a blessing he doesn't talk then," she says finally and Newt couldn't help but agree.

..

This was quite fun, Aziraphale thought as he helped himself to a crepe in one of the hundreds of crepe places sprinkled across the town.

He was getting through to Crowley he was sure, the demon wasn't all that evil at the end of the day, and he had succeeded in getting him to tone down the torture to quite a great extent.

This was going to be a success for them, he decided with a private smile as he loaded cream onto his crepe.

As for the humans, well they all seemed happy enough, none of them was miserable which meant he was still doing his job. In fact, he was as happy as he could be in hell, and scarily he thought he was a little happier than he had been in heaven.

“Aziraphale thank heaven we found you,” a familiar voice said from right behind him “ we had begun to worry you were lost forever”

Aziraphale set his crepe down feeling a little sick and turned to face the person he knew to be standing in the doorway.

“Gabriel how lovely to see you”

…

The day had been draining, to say the least, and Newt was ready to go to sleep for a very long time. As he turned to head upstairs he noticed a piece of paper had been slid under the door.

He picked up the paper and intently read the words scribbled all caps in sharpie.

“YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE”