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Justin woke up sitting up gasping for air forgetting at first where he was at. It didn’t take long before he remembered though. He wasn’t safe in his mind; he wasn’t anywhere he considered that to be. He had one safety and he didn’t have a clue where Brian was. He’d had another nightmare about what his brain couldn’t process or remember. He pulled his legs up trying not to panic again. He wanted out of the fucking hospital so he could find Brian. His life was already hell, but without Brian it was like he had stopped breathing.
The air didn’t feel like it was going into his lungs. The therapist said it would help putting his head between his legs, but it wasn’t. He got off the bed knowing he wasn’t supposed to leave the room without letting someone know. He didn’t care at the moment though he had to get out. He had this gut feeling that was screaming to open the door. He used his good hand pulling it open to escape the trap that felt like prison. He had his right hand fisted against his side in a way to protect it.
He’d been awake for a full week now in this hell hole. He couldn’t help if he was angry or got pissed off. It wasn’t like he wanted to throw a fucking tantrum as the one nurse who had been down right evil had called it. His mom had gotten her thrown out thankfully because he couldn’t stand her. Everything hurt and no matter how much Daphne talked about the best night of his life, he couldn’t remember Prom. The last thing he remembered was being told no by Brian about Prom. Hell, he hadn’t remembered making up with Daphne either, but they had. He was so glad that he had his best friend back because it was a little bit of light in the blackness. He wished that his first response wasn’t to get upset. He didn’t know how to change it, but he didn’t see the world like he had before. His life had been destroyed and he kept being told he might never draw again. That had been one of his safeties when he was upset, but it was gone now.
Justin made it in the hall before the door closed pushing him slightly. There was no way he could go back in the room right now. It was like a prison cell every day the same thing and he felt like he was being treated that way. The doctor had promised if he didn’t do better he couldn’t leave. He’d protested for two days not touching the food. He couldn’t stand being touched by anyone, but they kept doing it. He knew he was being an ass to his mom refusing to look at or talk to her. The only two he had talked to that came to see him was Daphne and Emmett.
He’d do anything if he could see Brian. He had made it clear before his mom had left too. They wanted him to get well then he got what he wanted which was Brian. Justin slid down the door trying to catch his breath again. No one was in the hall so he would be fine for now. It didn’t matter if he got in trouble for doing it. He was eighteen years old, but no one seemed to get that because he got hurt he was treated like a baby. He tried to keep reminding people of this, but it didn’t seem to help. Daphne and Emmett were the only ones not trying to baby him.
He was eighteen so if he wanted to not listen it was his choice. His life was already fucked up anyway. What he loved had been taken away twice now. His hand was no use to him and no matter what he did or said Brian wasn’t around. He was seriously starting to think that it was people keeping Brian away from him. He hadn’t been deaf even though it seemed that people thought because he had other problems he wouldn’t hear what they said either. He knew his mom hated Brian and knew that was one thing stopping Brian from being here.
BJ JB BJ JB
Brian had gone to the bathroom, but when he came back he found Justin sitting in the hall. It wasn’t what he was expecting since he’d seen Justin sleeping when he’d looked in the room. He had been told by Beth, the head nurse about Justin’s out burst again. He had been trying to work up the nerve to go in since he’d gotten there. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to forget it all. Justin was refusing to get better which wasn’t going to work for him getting out of here. He couldn’t let Justin throw his life away even if the doctor didn’t know if he’d be able to get full function back in his right hand.
Beth had been given him updates every night when he came here so he knew more than people thought. They thought he didn’t care about Justin, but it was the opposite. He probably cared too much, but he kept blaming his self for what happened. He hadn’t bothered going out tonight since there was no real use. The only guy he wanted was Justin so why should he go get some nameless guys suck him off. He wanted to drink his self into a stupor, but he hadn’t done anything tonight. He was as sober as he could be for the first time in a week.
Daphne and the nurses were the only ones that knew he came here like this. He kept hiding not wanting anyone to see how much he was hurting. He hadn’t actually broken down since that first night really. He had kept drinking even if he hadn’t gone to the clubs. He hadn’t been to the diner since it happened either knowing Debbie would just drag him here. He’d tried one night going to Babylon, but he’d left and come here sleeping outside Justin’s room all night.
Brian finally gave in to what he wanted and what Justin obviously wanted. He wanted for Justin to get better and get out of here. He wasn’t going to do that if he stayed away anymore and he knew how stubborn Justin was. The twat had wormed his way into his fucking heart and his damn soul. He’d gone to the fucking prom to make Justin happy even if he ended up here because of it. He could still remember how cold it had been in the parking garage that night. The hospital floor was probably colder though.
Thanks to Daphne he knew Justin was having problems being touched. She told him everything when she visited him which was daily now. Brian knelt down close, but not touching Justin before he said his name. He wanted him to see that it was him before he tried touching him. The last thing he wanted was Justin hurting his self. It could be bad if he freaked out not realizing who was trying to touch him.
Justin looked up thinking he was dreaming yet again. Brian didn’t show up to see him, but when he opened his eyes he was proved wrong. Brian was there inches away from him. He let out a sound that sounded almost like a sob reaching his good hand out trying to touch him. It’s the only thing he’d wanted since he had woken up from the coma. He’d been planning on escaping after he recovered some to find him. He would go back after he found Brian, but he didn’t have to now. It was one reason he’d kept sitting so long the idea of going out in the real world wasn’t setting well with him.
There was only an inch between them when Justin reached out. Brian could see what he wanted and moved being careful of Justin’s other hand almost crushing him against him. The look in Justin’s eyes had been his undoing. It was a look of longing and desperation causing Brian’s walls to fall away with that look alone. Those beautiful blue eyes looking at him for more than want. It was like he had just given Justin the world by simply being in front of him.
Brian easily lifted Justin up since it felt like he’d actually lost weight in the last three weeks. He was careful as he pushed the door open so they could get back in the room to be alone. He wasn’t going to lose it in the hall and he could feel it coming. The grip that Justin had on him with his left hand was almost painful. He kept space between them for Justin’s other hand not wanting to cause him pain, more pain. It took some maneuvering, but he managed to get them on the bed. There was no way he could get his boots unzipped without letting go of Justin. That wasn’t going to happen either since Justin was as close as he could get. Beth wouldn’t give him grief about it since he’d actually come in the room this time.
BJ JB BJ JB
“I got you, I’m right here.” Brian said in a low voice trying to comfort Justin. He needed this too and he’d been denying his self any chance to deal with his pain. He couldn’t keep it down with the booze anymore. He moved his hand over Justin’s back feeling Justin’s body shaking against him.
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I’m broken and no good.” Justin choked out between sobs. He was terrified that if he let go of Brian he’d disappear or leave. He was in pain, but he kept holding on. His heart had felt like it was in a million pieces all week without having Brian. He kept thinking of reasons that he wouldn’t be there, but it had started becoming the worst thoughts.
Brian stilled hearing Justin’s confession hating his self for making Justin think that. He took a moment before reaching his hand up after he pulled back enough to making Justin look up. He couldn’t let him think that he hated him even if he couldn’t bring his self to tell Justin how he actually felt yet. He cupped his face moving his thumb under Justin’s eye wiping the tears away. His Sunshine was feeling broken because he hadn’t been man enough to show him otherwise. He’d put this doubt in Justin by denying him what he’d needed so badly.
“Never let me hear that again. You are not broken or damaged. You are hurt, but you are not broken.” He knew how he felt about Justin and it had taken seeing him lying almost dead to realize how much he did care about him. He didn’t just care, he loved him. Somehow Justin had gotten to him and he knew there was no turning back. He walked in the hospital tonight determined to come in the room. Justin had just beaten him to it by waiting outside the room so he couldn’t escape.
“He fucked my life up. I can’t do anything now, Brian. I’m useless.” Justin said trying to hide against Brian again, but he wasn’t having it. “He took away what I loved doing and I thought you were part of what I lost too.”
“The only way that your life is fucked is if you keep refusing to get better. You want out of here then you stop acting like a two year old brat. You eat, you stop treating your mom like the devil. You do what you’re supposed to in therapy. You want what you had back then you work your ass off.” Brian said seeing the look of surprise in Justin’s eyes realizing he knew what he had been doing. He’d given his self away in telling Justin that, but he couldn’t go back to staying outside the room if he was telling Justin to start acting better.
“I want you; it’s the only thing I want.” Justin replied looking at Brian with hope that maybe he could have that. Brian had said if he wanted what he had back he had to work for it.
BJ JB BJ JB
Brian sighed knowing how stubborn Justin could be. He had never given up on getting in his heart or life for that matter. Justin had worked his way in becoming so much more than another nameless trick. Hell he had taken him with him when Gus was born. It was obvious that night that Justin was something more than a trick. It just took a lot longer for him to see that.
“Then start fighting to get better. I’m not moving in here for the rest of our lives.” Brian said leaning his head against Justin’s.
“I want that in writing. I get better I get you.” Justin said feeling Brian’s breath against his face. “I’ll do anything if I get to be with you.”
It was all he’d been thinking about since he woke up. He’d been thinking about it since he found out Brian wasn’t moving to New York. He’d thought about maybe moving in somehow with Brian and finding away to make it really work between them. He had loved it when he lived with Brian before. It had been working til he fucked it up and he hadn’t even gotten what he’d wanted that day either. He’d felt a knife rammed into his heart yet again that day when he’d tried going home.
“If Mel will talk to me I’ll get her to write it up.” Brian said back moving his hand over Justin’s side. He was glad that Justin hadn’t pulled away from him like he did the others. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in here. I’ve been here every night I just couldn’t come in here. Nobody knows besides Daphne and the nurses. It’s my fault. I didn’t think you’d want to see me again.”
He confessed his own fears of what he was feeling. Sorry was bullshit was his usual line, but with this it wasn’t true. He wasn’t looking for forgiveness for his actions; he just needed Justin to know he hadn’t left him completely. He had been trying to deal with his own guilt in what had happened that he hadn’t been able to see that Justin might need him to heal.
“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault but his. I thought you hated me so there was no reason to get better.” Justin said feeling the exhaustion trying to take him over. “I love you, Brian. No matter how much you push me away I’ll never go. I’ll never give up on you.”
“I could never hate you, Justin. I… I’d do anything for you. I would have taken the bat to the head for you if I could have.” Brian said wishing he could say what Justin really wanted to hear right now.
“I always knew you loved me.” Justin said with a smile on his face hearing Brian’s words. He moved even closer to Brian so that every part was almost touching now. “It’s the only thing I need to know.” He added drifting off to sleep feeling at peace knowing Brian was here beside him. He hadn’t backed away from Brian’s touch even though everyone else that got near him felt wrong. It felt right having Brain near him like it always did, he wasn’t going to be jumping for sex anytime soon though. He’d just deal with that later own and as long as Brian was there he’d get better.
“I do.” Brian whispered feeling Justin’s smile against his neck. There was no going back and he was going to tell Justin the actual words one day soon. Fuck his other self from the past; he couldn’t change completely over night, but he was going to be better. He didn’t want Justin to ever think he was worth nothing again.
He was going to have a fight on his hands probably when it came to Justin’s mom. She didn’t like him being near Justin he knew. He couldn’t stay away though because no matter what he’d tried denying his heart wasn’t cold and dead like he had always thought. He closed his eyes drifting off to sleep holding Justin in a protective hold. He’d just have to wake up in the morning and talk to Justin about it. It was going to be a long road of therapy and healing. He knew it was going to be painful, but he’d be there every step of the way as long as Justin didn’t give up again.
THE END