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Chapter Text

“Percy, my sunflower” Jimmy says solemnly “I am with child”

“Congratulations Jimmylove” Robert says swallowing his heartbreak “Charlotte kept that quiet”

“No, you misunderstand” Jimmy flusters inarticulately, plucking at the strings of his Martin acoustic
and creasing his alabaster brow

“I, indeed we, are the ones expecting. Robert my angel, you have visited me with a miracle. It
appears that our smouldering but repressed sexual tension has manifested in the physical realm.”

“Oh,” Robert gasps, the truth dawning across his beautiful golden face like the first morning of
creation.

“I see, that’s why you have not been eating solid food. I thought you had an obligatory drug
addiction but it was morning sickness!”

“Indeed, light of my life, my body is now a temple. But being a temple to Thelema I must continue
the exhaustive sex magic even whilst eschewing the cocaine.”

Jimmy dips his adorable eyelashes, heavy as though with dew from an English country garden in
springtime.

“I wondered if you might consider helping me. I hear homoeroticism is quite the thing for two men
in love”

Jimmy, like Zeus with Dionysus, gestates the Jimbert homunculus in his thigh. Some strategically
obnoxious fabrics deployed in his trouser regions distracted the eye of the general public, and
Robert’s increasingly tight stage jeans act as delicious misdirection. But Robert and Jimmy cannot
hide from their rhythm section all the way to term, however loud the Go to Hell flares.

“I hear you have a project together without me” Jonesy glares at our star crossed lovers and
swallows thickly looking at the bulge in Jimmy’s pants.

“No my darling. Your organ will always mean so much to me Jones, and your bass of course. But I
didn’t want to scare you away with a surfeit of joy. Percy and I are sprouting. We have propagated.
The fruits of our loins, the lemon and the chilli, are about to burst forth.”

“Oi Page. Wen were you gonna tell us?” Thunders John Henry Bonham known as Bonzo the Bear
“I love kids and Rob is my bestest friend brother in the whole wide world. Where is ee so I can
punch im orn the jaw for good luck like as wot we do in the Blackcountry?”

“I”m ere Bonz. I wannit to tel you but Jimjam came over all shy. We had an announcement made
but it got mixed up with the new record sleeve and it’s gonna be a bugger to explain to Maureen”

Robert gestures coyly to the psychedelic montage of a naked man sacrificing, erm, offering up his
firstborn slapped across 19,000 gatefold first pressings of the new album.

“Sorry itz a bit tame mate” Robert sighs, batting his lashes, like the eyes of a beautiful camel in the
verdant desert of Kashmir, at his equally geographically challenged bandmates.

“Robert, I gonna....” Jimmy gasps.

And the baby just pops out like one of Gandalf’s fireworks.

His hair is jet black and his legs go on for days. His disposition is as sunny as Robert smoking
Acapulco Gold and he is as moon faced as Jimmy when Gee has been feeding him up on
Complan milkshakes.

“Oh His tiny witchy face and pointy nose remind me of your darkly gothic soul” Robert coos to
Jimmy

“His sapphire eyes and tiny tight trousers remind me of your kind heart” Jimmy replies, never the
best lyricist.

As Jimmy rests in Robert’s arms and the cacophony of Moby Dick continues unabated Jonesy
keeps a lookout.

“It’s alright Page, you just look a bit flushed. People will assume the new nanny is a groupie who
popped in to do you during Bonzo’s drum solo.

“Oh no!” whines Jimmy “My reputation as a ladies man will be ruined by gossip I was not pleasing
for several hours consecutively”

Weakened by his exertions Jimmy is briefly to be heard murmuring “I invited a girl to Scotland”
before he passes out

“Wot nanny!” thunders Bonzo who has popped back stage to see the baby while Jonesy plays No
Quarter on his own while smoking a celebratory cigar.
“I luv kids. I wil nort av some camp follower messin with my bestest friend brother in all the world’s
motherless child! I will cradle him in my bass drum and take him with us on the starship wherever
we go”

“You shall my luv” beams Robert, gladly making decisions of his very own before Jimmy rouses
from his stupor.

“I shall call him Noel for he makes me feel like Christmas, and Fielding for he is both a Plant baby
and a Yardbean. I shall fetch him his very own shaman to watch over and protect him. I will let him
listen to Santana even though Jimmy disapproves.”

“Wen I sed give im a bottle I meant the bloody baby” thunders Bonzo the next night, glowering at
Robert and clutching some hastily assembled baby knitwear (socks are knitted on four sticks you
know)

A mostly empty bottle of JD in his hand Jimmy glowers at his drummer in return.

“I’ve had half a day of maternity leave, remastered a film score, then I did a photoshoot. There’s no
excuse to start curbing my excesses. Baby Noel is a lovechild of Rock and Roll, a manic pixie
dream boy. He will be raised by stewardesses and roadies. He will travel through space and
time...

TBC

please add your own jokes...

Chapter Text

“Faithful by nature?” Robert asks while baby Noel snakes in his arms clacking his tiny castanets.

You already have a headache.

“Faithful, Constant, Loyal. But this is a library you know.”

“I’m sorry. I was looking for alternative parenting story time. He’s teething”

Robert reaches into his bag to get Noel some Soreen malt-loaf.

“Want some?”

You gaze distractedly at the no eating sign and wonder why Robert thinks a minor national archive will have a crechè. This isn’t exactly as you had imagined it. He looks at your frown and smiles like a sunflower.

“Magic tea” He says, balancing Noel on one hip and footling in his bag for a thermos.

He manages to get the top off without scalding the baby when Bonz appears.

“Bloody el Rob I cahnt leave you unsupervised for ten bleeding minutes and you’re messing wiv birds. And in the middil of Led’s story. You noe they only does slash”

The raven perched on your desk caws meaningfully looking chagrined to have been brought into this.

“I’m sorry I can’t offer you anything hotter” Robert does his lulling eye smile. “But this is G rated and we are late for Jimmy’s birthday party.”

“The tea will make you feel much better though. You can also soak your feet in it and use it cooled to mist your plants”

And off they go. You realise Noel has dropped his tiny moon plushie but they are nowhere to be seen.

Chapter Text

You are just settling down to a nice cup of magic tea when you notice Jimmy skulking by the magazine rack thumbing a copy of Homes and Gardens. He’s looking shifty as usual, furtively undermining the dewy decimal system by filing the magazines D, A, D, G, A, D.

The raven on your desk flaps his wings and Jimmy must clutch the handle of Noel’s pram to avoid being swept away by the breeze. You sigh with disappointment because there’s no sign of Robert. Jimmy looks startled.

“Ms Faithful” He says politely.

This is a surprise. For the past couple of years Jimmy has sent a roadie over whenever he needed to ask a question. This approach invariably caused problems - the roadies kept thinking the shelf mark reference you’d written down was your phone number.

“No Robert?” you ask, as professionally as possible “It is a Tuesday you know, and alternative parenting story time is Mondays and Wednesdays”

“No, my beloved Robert is cottaging in Wales”

As you choke on your tea Jimmy murmurs “Why do people always misconstrue my remarks about Bron-Yr-Aur? So perplexing.”

“I’m so sorry, you were saying?”

“Yes. I was hoping to catch you alone. I have a rather, um, specific request” He drops his gaze fiddling with the end of his scarf with one hand and rocking Noel’s pram with the other.

Nothing shocks librarians. Especially ones who are conversant with the old court records of a minor American monument.

“Buggery” you say.

“Eh?” Jimmy blushes scarlet.

“No, No, sorry” you say, “I just realised I’d forgotten to file some papers.”

“Ah… It’s only I wondered if you might be able to show me a copy of Cheekbone magazine. You see I let David babysit Noel on a couple of occasions and now he’s become a terribly faddy dresser and is insisting we call him ‘Vince’.”

Jimmy looks up at you pleadingly with eyes like deep pools in the middle of an enchanted forest. “You know, Robert doesn’t set the best example. I’m quite out of my depth.”

You look at Jimmy’s godawful plaid pants and his tiny shoes. Even with his boyish pre-Raphaelite beauty they are already giving you a migraine.

“These slacks for example are by John Varvartos, but Noel keeps saying ‘Dadi’s pants ouch my bwaaiin’ and one has to keep au courante with what the toddlers are sporting these days”

“I know we have not always seen eye to eye” Jimmy continues his famously reticent dialogue “but you know I’m somewhat of an archivist myself…”

You try not to zone out entirely while Jimmy is listing his endless collection of effects pedals as an example.

“Sola Sound Tone Bender; Thomas Organ Crybaby Wah; Maestro Echoplex EP-2; Maestro Echoplex EP-3” He’s counting them off on his fingers…

You are formulating a diplomatic way to mention to Jimmy that, in your professional opinion as a tapestry appraiser, his trouser are most definitely J C Penny when you realise Noel’s pram is EMPTY.

“Jimmy where’s the baybee” you screech at full volume. “Noel! Noel!” you shriek, disturbing the raven looking around madly for hit little pointy features or flashes of silver lurex beneath the tables.

“Gosh. Noel is with Robert, Naboo and Bonzo in Wales. They are taking him to meet the Yetis”

“Then why” you wag your finger at him sternly “Do you have a pram cluttering up my library?”

“Well Robert says we should be practicing authentic Dr Sears attachment parenting by carrying Noel in a sling, so I have requisitioned the perambulator to collect an oversized Oud from George Harrison”    

And with that he’s off, an angel with a squeaky wheel, until he turns sideways and disappears from view entirely.

Chapter Text

“Twat”

Everyone looks at Baby Noel except Jimmy who gives Bonzo the side eye.

“Oh, my darling boy” Robert beams swinging Noel into the air, “Your first word”

“One had rather hoped for something a little more erudite” Jimmy huffs, fluffing his hair and wincing.

“Erru-what Page. You nearly called the larst album Long Hand-Job”

“Well John, as you are aware, Robert was inclined to name it Cottages of the Blessed, but that lacks a certain rugged masculinity that I feel is appropriate for our product.”

“Art this rate we are never gonna corl it anyfing and people will just afta arsk for them four stickers you ad made for Nowel”

“Twat, twat, twat. Cwist...” babbles Noel happily chewing the edge of his library card, the ink making his little lips shiny and black.

“Gentlemen” a tiny voice rings out sharply “One must maintain a certain order and discipline in this establishment. I will have no fucking swearing at Alternative Parenting Story Time or one of you cunts will get a good slap”

Everyone turns to look at Raven who is brandishing his little knife with a gleam in his eye. Just looking for an excuse. These effete rockstars cluttering up the aisles. Two of them in blouses and even the one with a decent tailor appears to have unforgivably long hair, despite having a decent tweed cap.

“Cund” squeaks out Noel excitedly

“Three words already Jimmy. Our son is a lyricist like his Pa! How wonderful we get to see all these little moments my love. What a joy having him with us on tour” Robert reaches out to twirl his Jimmy delightedly, but Bonzo stops him with a poke to the chest.

“Yous avin im Rob?!"

"You an Jimmy av been orf in the Caribbean for a fortnight ogglin each other’s bums while I av been tearin my hair out. I tell yous, them air hostesses is no better than useless. I found Nowel at Heathrow lorst under the vodka in duty free, while they were all cashing in the snozzle tubes from the blow. He wunt come out till I coaxed im wiv a bottul of Chanel. Richard is no elp either…"

“Sanwijizzz” Yelps Noel, his bottom lip starting to quiver. This is the last straw for the exasperated Raven.

“Gentlemen. When one acquires a certain station, it is customary to protect one’s progeny from the grim reality of the struggles their forefathers have endured”

He flaps up onto Jimmy’s head treating him as a lectern.

“Of course the pleasures of the flesh are a necessary route to riches, but once attained a man’s mind should turn to the pastoral”

“I have never liked birds” Jimmy mutters to himself looking very uncomfortable.

“Oh Raven” Chuckles Robert holding out his hand like Snow White “I quite agree”

Raven, despite his inner barbarity, finds himself hopping onto Robert’s finger like a bluebird. He tries to caw but it comes out tunefully, much to his chagrin.

“Indeed, I feel it is imperative that we grasp ourselves firmly”

Robert continues with a bounce and shake of his silky mane,  

“take ourselves in hand, before we are crushed by the modern world. Some of my happiest moment have been cottaging in the Welsh borders. Exploring secret crevices with Jimmy. Poking into glory holes of wonderment…stick in hand…”

“Ere we goes” Bonzo rolls his eyes

“Rob, you has a farm but them goats were just to make you luk pretty in the pictures. They’ve been runnin amok ever since”

To be continued (Goats willing)

Chapter Text

“What happened to NO FUCKING FIGHTING?” you thunder.

Everyone except Noel jumps and turns to look at you. Looking shifty.

“Mizzzz Mizzzzz Mizzzzz”

Noel coos holding out his little spindly arms to be carried. Robert passes him over onto your hip with one arm. Raven takes the opportunity to reassert some dignity by giving Robert a sharp scratch before fluttering back to your desk where he stands at parade rest. Chest feathers out.  

“Ouch. Eez a liability Ms F.” Robert winces, sucking his hand lasciviously just out of habit. “What if eed done that to our Jimmy? That’d fuck up the whole tour”

“Oh my angel. Is you wing? Sorry, I mean hand, broken? Here let me clutch it to my alabaster brow to soothe it”

“Ooo Pagey I think I’d feel better with it down your knickers”

“You’d feel better wiv my kick up yor arse Rob” Bonzo bawls

You ring the bell loudly

“No. Fucking. Fighting. At. Alternative Parenting Story Time.” You announce. “Today we have little kids present and they startle easily.”

“Children…” Jimmy snirks looking like he wants a prize.

“Yes James. Also children. Who have come to see the kids. It is Farm Baby Petting week, as you would know if you had given G the schedule.”

“Oooo baybeee baybeee baybeee baby baby baby goats!” Robert sings excitedly to Noel

“Twat” says Noel. Beaming.

Bonzo smirks “Ere ee catches on quick yor lad”

“Twit” you say to Noel brightly “Pa is a twit. Can you say twit, lovely?”

“Pa’s twit. Dadi noodle noodle noodle noodle onna gitar”

“John! Whatever have you been teaching him” Jimmy squeaks, all a fluster.

“That wont me Page. You best arsk yor beloved ere”

“Right well. I’m sure we are terribly, terribly late and best get a move on Ms F” Robert looks at you pleadingly. Damn that Robert Plant but he gets away with everything. Is that a thermos of magic tea down his pants? It’s hard to be certain but the prospect is certainly relaxing you already. 

“Shall we?” you gesture to the story room.

They all file out like lambs to the limos.

“Everyone’s a whore, Grace” The Raven is looking longingly after Robert and appears to be close to breaking into song. “We just sell different part of ourselves”

You have no idea who Grace is, but you let Raven hop onto your shoulder where Noel sucks the tip of one inky wing contentedly.

“Can you say twit, Noel?” you whisper.

“Jonesy! Mate!” squeals Robert.

“Percy love, please come and sit down quietly.” Jonesy is sitting serenely with a book on his knee in front of Alternative Parenting Story Time™.

“John…” Bonz smiles, coyly fiddling with his cufflinks.

“Darling…” Jonesy pats the comfy padded bench beside him for Bonzo to come sit down.

“Nanny Jonjon” Noel shrieks excitedly just like his Pa.

You pass him to Robert, who pops Noel down with the small group of toddlers inside the little wicker fence that appears to be all that separates chaos from order. In your opinion some very small goats and a load of sugar addled children is considerably more order than a lovelorn psychotic raven, and Mr James Patrick Page.  

Arrayed round Jonesy’s feet are seven baby goats, sproinking, jumping, and butting at his knee for attention. The toddlers ooo and aaaah looking at Jonesy expectantly like the front row when they know it’s time for No Quarter.

“Darling?” Jimmy whispers to you, looking even more pale and distracted than usual.

“A term of affection, James.” you offer. A bit confused about what he’s getting at.

“But they are both, ahm, gentlemen…” he says, apparently looking to you for guidance.

When Jimmy realises you are incapable of speech, he starts to witter on at length. Robert is no help at all. Gossiping with the other parents. Flirting with everyone. Offering to share his magic thermos. Comparing blouses and beards, or both.

 “Of course, I am fully supportive” Jimmy is saying now, “I have sometimes frequented dens of iniquity, and you know I once bought a cocktail for Jonesy’s friend Stephanie, with my own money!” He waves his hand to emphasise his largess.  

You are utterly shocked.

Jimmy never pays for anything.

“But you and Robert?” You stutter

“Ah yes” Jimmy giggles. “People often misconstrue the deep and undying love; the bonded carnal bliss of our relationship; the way I stare at his crotch; the sharing of our souls, and bodily fluids… but I once…”

“Invited a girl to Scotland” you say

Jimmy blushes a soft pink like the sunset reflected onto white roses in a Persian pleasure garden.

“Ah” he sighs contentedly fluttering his elegant lashes “I see my reputation goes before me”

And off he skips to cuddle Robert, leaving you with Raven.  

“Lies travel faster than truth” Raven says gazing at Robert and Jimmy with a thousand-yard stare. “I mean to strike while my enemy is weak, Grace. Robert will be mine…”

“Well, you are his type” you say curtly “Now go and look after the biscuits. Some people are taking three each.”

“And so, the big Billygoat Gruff charged the troll and tipped him into the river never to be seen again” Jonesy says and shuts his book.

“Oh noe ee dint” Bonzo says smugly.

“What?”

“Ees misunderstood”

“Who?”

“Mr Troll. Eee nivver got outsmarted by some goats. Eees jest a farmer like wot I am. Goats is easy unless yor name is Jimbert. Eee herded em back up and went down the pub dint he children?”

“Nanny Bonzo, Nanny Bonzo” they chant. “Pub. Pub. Pub”

“Wanker” squeals Noel

“Now. John. Did you teach him that on purpose?” Jonesy asks indulgently.

“Mightuv”

Jonesy just squeezes Bonzo’s knee and nods over to you to ring your bell to recall the parents. In pairs, like Noah’s arc, except sometimes three by three, in the case of the polyamorous families, the parents troop over and collect their children.

Bonzo is slapping the backs of a trio of gay bikers and making lewd comments about sumps. Jonesy is disagreeing with Tony Harrison about Fleetwood Mac. Robert and Jimmy are nowhere to be seen. Raven is seething over at the biscuit table because one of the parents is 10p short on a couple of Garibaldis. By the time you have prevented a murder, or at the very least have averted another vendetta with the Italians, Noel is the only baby remaining.

Noel is running round in circles with the smallest, whitest, cutest, of all the goats until they both fall over with dizziness and the goat snuggles up with his head on Noel’s tummy.

“Ere Ms Faithful, well that gorn and dun it now” Bonzo chuckles shaking his head.

“John Henry whatever are you up to?” you ask

“Wel, Russell ere as bonded with Nowel. Is nothing stronger than the bond between a goat and is boy. Woe betide anyone what tries to separate them now!”

As if by magic Jimmy and Robert reappear. Robert has his belt unbuckled and Jimmy is looking pink and dishevelled. I’ll bloody misconstrue James in a minute if he doesn’t get his arse in gear, you think. That pair need more supervision than the kids.

“Ah, Ms Faithful”

“James”

“I just had to nip out and commission some custom toggles for my number one” Jimmy says angelically.

“And adjust my fuzzbox” Robert snickers.

“Furthermore, I have arranged to have the goatlings transported to Boleskine by magic carpet.”

“It’s an outrage, Page” Tony Harrison thunders, ineffectually thrashing his tentacles “You promised me a limo!”

“Well Peter and Saboo have taken the limo to a flea market in Margate, so I’m not sure what else I could have done” Jimmy huffs.

“Can’t we keep them Pagey…” Robert wheedles.

“I’m afraid they clash with my swans. It’s simply out of the question”

“I can take them to the farm Pagey. Pleeeeeeeeese.”

“Wouldn’t that raise some rather awkward questions in this story’s plot” Jimmy asks pointedly, crinkling his alabaster brow, and creasing his tiny perfect nose.

“Eh? I don’t get you Jimmylove. What you on about?”

“Uhm Church and State? The situation of the hearth-fire?”

“No. Sorry. Still not following you sweetheart. Stop beating round the bush.”

“Your good lady Robert. Your wife”

“My what?”

“Maureen” Jimmy hisses.

“Oh! Why didn’t you say love? She doesn’t give a fuck unless you’re her sister. You’re not are you? I think she would have mentioned it by now…”

“Page! Page!” Tony Harrison interrupts “Are you going to make your bleeding mind up or what? I’ve got three crates of poppers and Richard has promised me sexy fun times in an aquarium”

“Sandwijiz?” Noel calls plaintively as Bonzo claps his hands over Noel’s ears.

“Tony Harrison can get his own bleeding lift home” you tell everyone firmly “Now it’s nearly Noel’s nap time and he’s obviously become very attached to Russell. Robert, you and James pop the kids onto the Starship, it’s well equipped for frolicking. John Henry, you fly them down to Wales and get them settled in. John Paul and I will set up a spreadsheet and checklist for baby goat care, and Raven can fly over with it later. Spit Spot.”

“But Ms F” Robert tosses his hair and beams you a smile made of cherry flavoured liquid sunshine “I don’t know the first thing about caprine husbandry”

From what you have seen this appears to be far from the truth. Both Jimmy and Jonesy are blushing deeply. Jonesy is whistling.

“I will issue you a book”

“Can’t you come and help us. Pleeeeeese” Robert gives you a look that would make even Bob Harris lose composure.

“You know Leds only does slash” you say, reminding him.

“I know, but I can meet you later in one of your stories” Robert whispers, licking his lips “now you are writing too…”

“FUCK!!! AAAAAAGH. FOR FUCKS SAKE.” You yell, hopping up and down. Raven has stabbed you in the ankle.

“Twat” Noel peeps.

“Orl break yor bleedin beak you litul shit” Bonzo thunders

“It’s an outrage” Tony Harrison shouts, any excuse to use his catchphrase

“Perhaps you would appreciate the first aid kit?” Jonesy says kneeling at your feet with a gauze pad and some TCP

“Mahhh Mahhhh Mahhh” bleats Russell and the other goatlings

Jimmy stands in the centre of it all looking like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth or even in his pockets. He picks up Noel and kisses his silky raven tresses. “Well darling why don’t you and I take Pa for icecream, and we can get Russell a nice halter from the pet shop”

“Diamwanteee”

“Yes lovely boy. Something sparkly like Dadi’s necklace”

“Ms Faithful?”

“James”

“May Peter pick you up at 10am?”

“He may”

“I’m afraid you may need to sit in the back with the oud”

“That’s fine. I need a perch for the raven”

If I haven’t rung his neck, you think.

“Ooooo. Don’t forget your shades Ms F. It’s always sunny in Snowdonia”

“Eee only thinks that cos of how ee rekkons it shine’s out of Jimmy’s arse” Bonzo laughs. “Sure you downt wonna come on the chopper? I can get Naboo to fly the jet”

“Deal.” you say “I’ll pack my shorts”

.

Chapter Text

“Pyjamas, Rob” Bonz says.

“Eh?”

Robert looks blankly up at Bonzo who is standing over him clutching a stack of bright pink glittery envelopes in his big calloused hands. Robert had been enjoying a nice ponder in the garden while Noel was playing. He definitely seems to be more stoned than he’d anticipated because John is making no sense at all.

“Eee wants ay pyjamas party. For is birthday”

“Well I don’t know where ee gets that from Bonz. I were going to take him to the footie. Jimmy wanted to tek im to Dunluce Castle, but we go there every year.”

Bonz plonks himself into a deckchair and cascades the envelopes into his lap.

“Ello Kitty”

“What?”

“Eee wants an Ello Kitty pyjamas party”

Robert glances down the garden at his son, resplendent in a holographic silver onesie, as he plays with his best friend Russell the goat.

“Umm, as Bowie put him up to this agen?”

“No Rob. Ees nonconforming, Nowel is”

“Ees what?”

“Ees beyond the gendur binary. Eees a free spirit. Ees a manic pixie dream boy”

“I’m not following”

“Olrite. Yuknow you wears girls blouses?”

“Yes. I likes how they accentuate my masculine beauty and virility, and Pagey feels the same way, specially about the virility.”

“Well Nowel wears is own blouses. Wel onsises. Ees desegregatin clothing from strict adherence to outdated patriarchal notions ov performative expreshun and embracing his fractal perfect inner self – int ee?”

“Ees a toddler”

“Yer and ees a toddler wot wants an Ello Kitty pyjama party for is birthday. An if you downt get im one I’m going to belt you in the earhole.”

Chapter Text

Bonz plumets his chopper down the hill behind Bron-Yr-Aur like Eddie Kid doing an impression of Steve McQueen in the Great Escape, while you clutch his waist for dear life. You get off the bike stiffly into a snow drift, regretting your decision to only pack shorts -  it has taken months longer to get to Wales than the last chapter implied. Uncle Nanny revs the throttle outrageously outside the door to Bron-Yr-Aur cottage and Jimmy pops up like Zebedee in the Magick Roundabout. He twiddles the moustaches of his new beard looking at you and Bonz pointedly. 

“Like the gig at Brighton Pavillion” he tuts “Arriving at the last minute”

“Wel Rob is ere int eee? An yoo an Jonesy nearly fucked it getting to Brum that time” 

“Well, we simply had no idea the Midlands was so far away from the metropolis. I had rather thought that you and Robert were exaggerating for comedic effect. Now this venue is truly rural. Superbly situated to Come Out as it were. From the hubbub of polite society I mean. Whatever took you so long?”

“Wel Leds were distracted from writin, see. They had sum problums wiv their spouse I fink.”

“They are not the only ones” Jimmy sighs pointedly, as Robert bursts forth from the doorway with the effervescence of a magnum of champagne being smashed on the hull of a battleship.

“You came!!!” he gushes. 

Jimmy blushes scarlett and clutches the folds of his tweet coat tightly in front of him. 

“We have company, darling” Jimmy flusters.

“I know my sweet precious wonderful one. I am greeting Ms F and my dearest friend brother in all the wide world. I have missed you so”

“Yer I bet yoo av. Lookin after Nowel on yer own. Where iz ee?” 

“Machynlleth” Jimmy asserts limply.

“Wel theres no need to be like thart. I woz only arskin”

“Nah Bonz - Jimmy int slagging yoo orf. Is the name of a place near ere. We’ve sent our Nowel to learn the arp wiv this bard what won big at the last Eisteddfod Genedlaethol Cymru”

“Wots thart then? Yoo gort im on the strings then an not skins? I downt knoe abaht thart”

“Iza like competitive music and poetry fing. Yoo shud goe.”

“What are they saying Ms Faithful?” Jimmy asks looking stricken. “I hope it’s not criticism of my hirsuteness. I mean, when I saw Suzanne Bartch recently in Gwynedd  she assured me, and I quote, ‘Jimmy, beard or no beard, nobody could mistake you for anything other than a man’s man.’ My recent reviews have been top notch. Particularly from the sheep.” 

“They are discussing Noel’s musical education. Aren’t you starting him off a bit early?”

“When I think of the 1.15 decades I wasted in the pursuit of such fripperies as tropical fish, well I shudder, Ms F. Surely my fingers would have been even longer had I been stretched more at a tender age? Though Robert assures me my reach is sufficient, I do wonder if he wouldn’t prefer deeper penetration, of the stringed arts I mean. One must also consider width of course, one’s span? I’d really like to be able to make him go up another octave…”

You zone out as usual while Jimmy warms to his subject. Indeed he is getting so heated a small pool of meltwater is developing round his wellingtons. Soon he looks like a particularly perilous episode of Pingu. Something is not quite right. What is missing? Noel in the town messing with bards, not that. Robert stripping off his shirt to pelt Bonzo with snowballs, again that’s entirely normal. Jimmy flapping like an orphaned penguin? No, pretty much routine. Bards? Birds? Oh fuck.

“Where the hell is Raven, Page? The answer better be at the hotel with Jonesy.”

Jimmy looks shifty. Robert bounds over and hides behind him while Bonz deliberately misses so he can land a huge double hander onto Jimmy’s perfectly coiffed tresses. 

“Well” Jimmy begins, as Robert and Bonzo extract him from the elegant snow angel he has made falling dramatically to the ground “I can explain” 

“I spose now is not the right time to tell you about that library book?” Robert grins

“It all began with a prophecy” Jimmy intones 

“Magic tea? A pint of mulled mild?” Robert asks, spoiling the mood with his honey blissful golden cheerfulness.

“Yes indeed, an ancient Welsh magickal mystic prophecy”

“A goat ate it… I shan’t say which one.”

“Baby, Ms F does not want to hear about the library book right now”

“Which library book, Robert? Not a 1001 nights of caprine husbandry. I had to get you that via inter library loan from Baghdad” You wail. 

“Well the section on tethering left much to be desired. Didn’t it Jimmylove?’ 

“Wherez the bloody wood shed Our Rob? This ere fire as grown so low”

“But I watched it Bonz, honest I did.”

“Wel I’m freezin mi bollocks orf while yoo all stan round nattering. Aint yoo got any coal”

“Nah we dint arsk im. We arsked a loaduv other roadies tho. Yunnow for chaperoning and that. But we sent em away cos Jimmy and me cunt concentrate.”

“Cunt” 

“Nowel lad. Yore back loveli boy. Giv yore ol Uncle Nanny Bonzo a hug.”

“Mizzz Eff I learnded Jingle Bells an Naboo gimmie uh star an we brung tinsel for Wussel an made a angel like Dadi!! Wiv a doily and glitter!! Wussel et the glue and woz sick an the sick was pink an glitter!! Naboo sez he shud quiet down will Waven come back now? I miss Waven Pa sed he gon Ramblin. Dadi sed he is in wiv a bad lot. An Wussel’s mum et yor book.”

“So what exactly happened to Raven?”

“Jimmy stabbed him. Slightly.” Robert says brightly “but I was his true love all along. Silly man.”

“He asked me to.” Jimmy mutters ushering everyone into the cottage and taking off Noel’s mittens and scarf. 

“Dadi, Naboo sez its cwismas tomorrow and likul baby Jeezus was like a shaman but dint weealy look like Pa cos he woz Palestinian not a viking wiv tight pants an Santa is weal but he dunt weealy bwing presents cos Santa et too many magic mushwooms to be in charge of a sleigh even though Tony Harrison gets away wiv his magick carpet and I asked Santa for a wainbow goaticorn plushie” Noel’s bottom lip starts to tremble “An wot if Santa can’t bwing her?”  

“Oh my darling baby boy of course Santa will bring your rainbow goaticorn. Or else Uncle Peter will dangle him out of a window. That’s what he did last year and we all got gold disks...”

“One feels so restless” Jimmy says, overusing the indefinite pronoun like the grammar schoolboy he still is “One is usually commencing a tour of North America with one’s latest numbers as yet untried. Diving into the cauldron of transformation. Honing one’s skills in the heady battlefield of improvisation. And yet how blessed are Robert and I to have been afforded this opportunity of seclusion. This picture of true completeness. This paradise of creative intercourse.”

“Ow many did yoo finish then Jim? Holed up cough for months wiv just Our Rob”

“Two” 

“Albums?”

“Songs.” 

Bonzo is only saved from asphyxiating on his own laughter by Noel choosing this very moment to launch himself from the back of the sofa and into Uncle Nanny’s arms to smother him in kisses. 

“Santa’s a twat Uncle Nanny. I love you better an wainbows.”

Chapter Text

Twelve days of Christmas come and go without a peep from Raven.

“Look James” you say at the usual Madhatter’s breakfast “I know this is a delicate subject, but strictly speaking Raven is mine. Or rather he’s my ward. He came with the library.”

“Oooo a chick with her own bird. Oooo errr.” giggles Robert

“Pa!” Noel squeaks

“Quite right ower Nowel. Rob tharts sexist and also I fink exhibitin a bit ov internalised homophobia, wunt yoo say Mizz Eff?”

“Robert always seems to be exhibiting something.” You say, glancing down at his loosely pajama’d nether regions, as you cuff him gently round the back of the head. “Though rarely, it appears, any good sense.”

“I always test Noel’s bath with my elbow. I always finish my antibiotics. I’m always unerringly cheerful.”

“Which rather proves her point.” snoots Jimmy, who at that moment stands on one foot eating marmalade off a knife, while Noel ties the end of his trailing scarf to his shoelace. “Everything in the world displeases me: but above all, my displeasure in everything displeases me.”

“Nietzsche, James. This early?” You say.

“Early? It’s nearly second milking” Bonz tuts.

“I was absolutely sure it was traditional.” Jimmy flusters, caught between the terror of perfectionism, and his natural inclination to see the world as entirely arranged for his own benefit.

Bonzo rolls his eyes at Noel who unties his Dadi before any serious mishap or another court case can ensue.

“Look James” you persist, even though Robert is now distracting everyone but Noel by lasciviously sucking butter from his fingertips. “Even if you only stabbed him a little bit, I think going missing for three weeks is more than a huff. I think we should go and look for him.”

“Oh, he’ll be back Ms F. Nobody can resist me for over a month. Jimmy can barely manage an hour”.

You pat Jimmy energetically on his back, while he chokes on his Earl Grey, then you put the marmalade knife into your bag for safekeeping where it disappears from the plot. 

“Well Rob, my mam has still not forgive yoo for them curtains”.

“Ms F let me off the library book though. Dint you?”.

Robert bats his lashes so hard that Jimmy almost has to be resuscitated. Only Bonzo pointing out that he is the band’s official first-aider bringing him out of his swoon.

“Dadi? Did yoo bweak a stwing? Dadi needs hugging”

“I’m fine lovely boy. I fear I must have inhaled the crumb I was having for my morning repast. I shall have a banana daquiri instead to balance my chakras”.

“Jimmy Page. Jimmy Page! Lady, gentleman, and Noel. Of course, Dadi shall have a hug” Robert announces like he’s filling in on stage for Bonz getting back late from the loo. “It’s not easy being a genius guitar god and dealing with forces beyond our ken” Robert tips Jimmy deftly into his lap and grasps him firmly against his naked chest like a champion sheep-shearer from Queensland. Jimmy goes limp like an overcooked noodle.

“Now snuggle up everyone and I shall sing you the ballad of Ever Lenore”

“Wahoo! Is thart about the lassy at the bed fing in Sweedun?”

“Nah Bonz is abaht ower Jimmy thinkin Raven woz iz true love under an enchantment”.

“A lady raven. That was my understanding.”

“Yes luv, you thought I had been turned into a lady raven. That you stabbed”

“But I thought it was you”.

“How is that better? Honestly, Jimmylove anyone but me would think you had some suppressed ambivalence about our mutual passion. I know sometimes things can go south when couples have a child, but I mean I still have to fight you off with a stick. Not that I want to, of course, but you do need to rest because of your delicate constitution. Four or five times is your limit and that’s that. Well, on a work night.”

“Jessies”

“Beg yer pardon, Bonz”

“Jessies, them jangly things wot yoo put on ther legs”

“Nah Bonz, tharts falcons intit. Raven’s a crow.”

“An won ov them littul bonnets? Over ther eyes.”

“Orn Jimmy or Raven?”

“Raven, Rob. Jim looks terribul in most hats dunt ee?”

“Nar it wer just Raven. Ee weren’t in drag nor nuthin.”

“Ow come Jimmy thort he were yoo then?”

“Well I dunno. He’s has got a very sexy voice”

“Ee talks like he’s from Birmingham though, not Kidderminster”.

“Jimmy sez he cahnt tell the difference”.

“Well I spect he will say that, nex time yoo cartch im trying to fuck a crow”

“Crow!” Noel shouts, inaccurately trying to vex the adults.

“John Henry Bonham. Please be more careful what you say with Baby Noel listening” you admonish “Ravens and crows are quite distinct. Jimmy did not attempt fucking a common carrion crow Corvus Corone , but rather with, I believe, Covus Corax ”

“I’m right here you know” Jimmy murmurs. But he is too sedated by the smell of Robert’s hair to put up any real resistance. Taking advantage of Jimmy’s stupor Robert picks up a guitar and stuffs his fag into the headstock.

“Right then. Is everybody but Noel paying full attention to me?”

“Silly Pa! wiv a guitar. Oooo you are funny Pa! Uncle Nanny Loooook.”

“I know my darling boy. I’m only a wedding singer my sweet, but I love Dadi with all my heart and it is to him I give this tune.”

“Yor not gonna start wiv an armonica an all are yer?”

“Not since you threw it down the privy, no.”

“Robert, just get on with it.” You chide. Introducing yet another new word to the story.

“Won, Too, Won Four Fwee, Seven” says Noel. Jumping up and down with excitement.

Within the Starship as we flew o’ er the sea

Crazy Man Jimbles was stalking

He met with Raven, his eyes black as coals

And shortly they were a-talking

Your future, your future I would tell to you

Your future you often have asked me

Your true love will die by your own right hand

And crazy man Jimbles will cursed be

“I wasn’t crazy. I was feeling mildly dyspeptic. At most”

“Well, I think you was crazy for taking Raven seriously. You know he’s always trying to wind you up”.

“He told me my lovely little book of astrology was twaddle, and because he’s of Romani heritage he could predict my fate”.

“That’s a bit racist though intit my love? My mam’s a gypsy and I can’t predict what we’re having for dinner”.

“Will yous stop nattering and gerron wiv the next verse. Will I av to do this won acoustic, Jim?. Ower Nowel could come on an do a turn wiv his castanets”.

Jimmy he ranted and Jimmy he raved

And beat up the four winds with his fists-o

“Wel tharts unlikely intit. Tho I spect Jim could rightly hav a scrap with a stiff breeze. An lose.”

“Darling won’t everyone know this is about me? Can’t you at least change the name?”

“Urm could do, my beloved. Could be umm, Geenie? Jenny? Georgina?”

“Rowsie”

“Yer, Rosie would do.”

He sulked and he pouted, he shouted, and he swore

For his mad mind had trapped him with a kiss-o

You speak with an evil, you speak with a hate

You speak for the devil that haunts me

For is he not the fairest in all the broad land

Your soccer chants are to taunt me

“I don’t think the last bit works at all, Robert. Why bring football into it?”

“He supports bloody West Brom, Jimmy my angel. That goes with the bit about evil, see?”

“It lacks a certain folkloric charm, poppet”

“Football is a load of bollocks, Rob. Wort abaht ‘Your sorcerer’s words are to taunt me’ eh?”

“Bullocks!”

“Nah Nowel. Bullocks is boy cows an bollocks iz what your Pa is singin. Int this like that song wot Dave Swarbrick wrote?”

“What? I’m sorry I only played pool with him that one time, and I have no idea who you are talking about”.

He took out his dagger of fire and of steel

And struck down the raven through the heart-o

“Yoo never. Raven wud have yore eye out if yoo tried to tek his stiletto”.

“It was a butter knife. I was merely waving it for emphasis”.

“It’s not a documentary Bonz”.

“I ope we are not avin you pratting round sum bleedin Welsh castle agen doin a film version. Yoo feelin up that sword wud mek them smutty Knights Templar blush. Even I ad to hav a sit down in the cattle trough”.

“Then what happened?” you wail.

“Soz Ms F I forgot you haven’t heard it”

The bird fluttered long and the sky it did spin

And the cold earth did wonder and start-o

O where is the Raven that I struck down dead

“No! James how could you…”

“Nah, ees being poetic. It were pretty boy Page ere wot fainted. Raven were only put out coz he hates anyone rumpling iz feathers. Sept Rob of course”.

And here did lie on the ground-o

I see that my true love with a wound so red

Where his lovers heart it did pound-o

“WAVEN”

“Yes, my darling moon. My song is about Raven”

“Waven an GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Inna wange wover.”

“Honestly John, how does he know quite so much about automotive vehicles and yet he still cannot tell a soup spoon from a dessert spoon”.  

“Pudding”

“Pardon”

“What”

“What?”

“Posh cunts say ‘pudding’ not ‘desert’; and ‘what’ not ‘pardon’ see?”

“Whatever gives you these notions?”

“Ideas. Downt yoo ever actually listen to Jonesy?”

“Uncle G has wescued Waven”

Peter the Grant sweeps into the cottage in triumph with Raven resplendent on his shoulder. They are wearing the same cravat, like a doll’s handkerchief matched to a tablecloth. Raven’s talons are clutching betting slips and G is clutching a Louis Vuitton weekend attaché case bursting with cash. Everyone sighs with relief that things are back to normal. In fact, you notice that Jimmy is so under stimulated he has fallen asleep beneath the table. You pour just the correct amount of tea on him to wake him up, like Alice with the dormouse.

“Well lads, sorry, and Mz F, we have triumphed against the Italians and opened up glorious possibilities for profit in the Americas”.

“You know I’m beginning to feel like Smurfette in this fic” you grumble. “Can’t leds write more proper female characters?”

“Leds writes Robert. Though I must admit he could do with being a little more intelligent for my taste”. Jimmy ponders while dabbing himself dry of tea. “I have always fully supported ladies being able to play the harpsichord, and perhaps to speak a little French. Writing is useful too, for lists and suchlike.”

“James, Robert isn’t a lady…”

“Ah that’s just a ruse. Underneath that brash tartiness he really is quite virginal. Perennially deflowered and replenished as it were. Always wide open to new experience and sensations like a trembling lily gilded by the first light of dawn. Ow! Ms Faithful you’ve got a very sharp pinch you know”. 

“Kind of you to join us at last Grace. I have had somewhat of a renaissance. When you’re dead already, you’re free.”

“You’ve been to see Polly?”

“Does Raven know a parrot. I’d love a parrot to go with my piratical charms.”

“No, it’s his Aunt. She’s got a betting shop near Llangollen.”

“I have realised that Robert will never be mine, Grace. That any man should dare to duel with me brandishing only a butter knife shows that James is a man to be reckoned with. You can’t break a broken heart, Grace. So, I have asked Mister Grant here to furnish me with a wife.”

“Peter?”

“Ms F”

“You’ve been in London?”

“Well, old haunts Ms F, just a bit of business. Nothing shady.”

“The Tower of London?”

“Well, they can’t make them stay. They are not under contract nor nuthin”

“What’s her name then?”

“Merlina.”

“The queen!”

“Only of the ravens. Not Liz.”

“Oh Ms Faithful. See we are like a Shakespearean comedy. Our story ends with a wedding. Jimmy my star, shall we get married?”

“Again?”

“Why not? Noel makes a lovely flower boy and Jonesy can play the organ. We always get married in Wales.”

“Oh, alright then.”