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2020-03-18
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2021-03-18
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since I've wandered

Summary:

If soulmates were real, Namjoon and Seokjin might just be each other's.

Chapter 1: day dream

Notes:

this fic is wild bc originally it was a namgi fic and then it was a vmon fic and then it was a namjin fic and then i abandoned it after writing like nearly 5k... but here i am... months later... and it just kept getting longer and longer so now it's a small wip (only 2 chapters)

but anyway !! this is my first namjin !!! it is !!! not really a story? more like . moments in time that are soft. this is about them, growing together. i hope it brings you some comfort or warm feelings

title from "futile devices" by sufjan stevens

i also made a playlist for this fic :)

see end notes to see any trigger warnings!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Namjoon meets Seokjin in a place where it's louder than it should be.

His eyeliner is messy, his nails are painted black, and he's dressed up in an outfit he made up from his closet. He's slightly buzzed, his mind is reeling from the information he just learned, and he's passed out on a comfortable couch that he kind of wants to bury his own body in. There's a party going on around him but nobody comments on his decision to stretch out like a lazy cat and stare at the ceiling. A part of him wonders how he got here. How did he get here. How did he get here.

How did he get here.

Some time passes before he starts to sober up again and when he finally forces himself to sit up, he realizes the room is much emptier than it was before.

Someone laughs from the other side of the room.

"I wasn't sure you'd ever really come back to it. Are you okay?"

Namjoon blinks. The person gets closer and Namjoon does his best to take him in. He looks like someone Namjoon wouldn't usually talk to, not his sort, too much in a crowd that Namjoon's never really wandered in. He's pretty and handsome in the sort of way that's slightly breathtaking and he has a smile on his face that makes Namjoon feel oddly safe.

"Where am I?"

The man laughs. "Oh boy. I didn't think you did any drugs but now I'm not so sure. You sure you're okay?"

Namjoon rolls his eyes. "No, I mean, literally. Where are we? My boyfriend—" he winces and takes a deep breath. "Sorry. I mean, my ex-boyfriend drove me here."

"Shit."

Namjoon sighs. He knows what this looks like. He can try and imagine what this stranger is thinking about him now, what he's thinking of him, how pathetic he is, but it's just… Namjoon didn't expect it. And he should have. Sure, he should have seen the signs, but Namjoon… he didn't. He never saw any of those signs.

Hyukjae had told him that there was a Halloween party going on that he really wanted to go to with Namjoon a week ago. Neither one of them had ever been to a Halloween party, hell Namjoon doesn't even think he's ever even celebrated the holiday, but he agreed anyway. They made dinner together the night after, Hyukjae laughing brightly at Namjoon when he continued his grumbling about Monie not greeting him the week before when they visited Namjoon's parents' house. Namjoon thought they were good. He thought that everything with Hyukjae was going really well. He didn't have any reason to suspect otherwise.

Namjoon, though, was wrong.

He sighs again and focuses a hard gaze on the man. "Yeah, sorry. I mean, sorry for staying so long. Is the party still going on? Is this your place? What's your name? I'm so sorry again. I'm Kim Namjoon."

The man laughs again but he doesn't sound as amused as before. There's a pitying look in his eyes that Namjoon doesn’t like but he doesn't comment on it either. This man can think anything about him, Namjoon's decided. He doesn't care. He just wants to get out of here.

"Why are you so ready to leave? You aren't going to rob us first?"

Namjoon blinks. "What?"

The man's entire face burns red as he scratches the back of his head. He laughs loudly. "That was a joke. Not one of my best, but also, I'm pretty drunk right now so you can't blame me. But— you're dressed as a robber and you're cute so I figured I'd make a joke about it, but like I said, not my best."

Namjoon stares at him for a second but when it does finally hit him, he laughs abruptly. "That really was not a good joke, wow."

"Hey, I didn't think it was horrible."

"What if I said yes? What then?"

The man grins at him and Namjoon can tell that this time he means it. It makes him feel like the couch. Safe.

"Well, then, I suppose I'd have to stop you, huh?"

Namjoon hums. "But could you? I'm pretty strong, you know."

"I'm sure I could take you," the man laughs. Namjoon ignores how suggestive he sounds when he says it. "Also, I do live here and yes, the party ended half an hour ago, but you seemed pretty out of it so I didn't want to kick you out earlier. Makes sense though why you took up residence on the couch. Sorry that happened to you. That’s really shitty."

Namjoon nods seriously but his lips still press into a thin smile. "He didn't even properly break up. I walked in on him making out with some other guy." He sighs. The man's pitying look doesn't help anything either. "And then when he was trying to explain himself, he told him he's been seeing him for a while, but he was still into me so he, quote, 'didn't know what to do.' It's weird that I haven't cried about it yet… but I'll probably cry over it later at home, to be honest." The words are disturbingly honest for a first interaction but Namjoon doesn't try to take them back, too tipsy to even try. This man seems okay. He doesn't seem like someone that would cheat on his boyfriend at a party and then abandon, but Hyukjae didn't seem like someone to do that either, so what do first impressions even mean anyway?

"Well, he's clearly an idiot. You seem like a good guy and you're super hot and really? He broke up with you here? That's really fucked up." The man hiccups. "And I'm sorry that happened. You definitely deserve better than that. If you need… I mean…" The man lets out a soft huff, "Do you need a ride home?"

Namjoon eyes him, his emotions balancing between hesitance and amusement. "Why? You going to drive me?"

The man's cheeks redden. "Remember the part where I said I was drunk? No, not me." He tilts his head. "But I'd probably get my friend to drive you or I'd call you a ride. This happened under my roof. I owe you."

Namjoon snorts and finally stands up after hearing that. Exhaustion is settling into his bones too easily and all he wants is to go home and disappear under his covers for three weeks. He'll play some loud and angry songs probably. Some sad ones, too. Namjoon feels pulled apart. He just wants to unwind. Maybe this heartbreak will inspire him. God, Namjoon feels pathetic.

"It's okay. I'll manage so don’t worry about me." It's quiet for a moment. Namjoon feels like he should say more. "Also, none of this is your fault. Your couch was actually a comfort so… thank you for that. Maybe, if we meet again, I'll actually rob you that time."

The man smiles widely, so widely that his eyes scrunch a bit, and Namjoon suddenly feels a bit mesmerized.

"Alright," the man says. "Sounds good. I'm looking forward to it."

Namjoon leaves the house after that, directing another warm and exhausted smile the man's way, and when he steps outside, the chill air sobers him even more. As he contemplates a route home, the slight breeze nips at his skin harshly, but Namjoon doesn't mind so much. It's quieter than it should be out here, Namjoon thinks, but he likes it.

Namjoon isn’t sure he wants to feel so much like a person right now.

After he calls a driver to come pick him up, he stands awkwardly, shifting his feet as he tries his best not to focus on the hurt that’s starting to lodge itself deeper into every nerve of his body. He's starting to really feel it now, he thinks self-loathingly. He always does this. He always feels everything just so much, too much, so so so much, all the time so much. He toes at the ground even harder than before.

When he finally sees the car turning the corner is when the door opens behind him. Namjoon turns.

Namjoon isn't surprised to see that it's the same man.

"Hey," the man says to the air.

"Hey," Namjoon nods at him. He lets out a small cough. "I got a ride. You don't need to worry about me." He gestures to the car that pulls up right at that moment, just ten or so footsteps away. The man lets out a short laugh.

"No, I know that. You seem very capable. You said you were strong, remember? I just realized I never told you my name. I'm Kim Seokjin. Also, I'll probably regret this later, but I wanted to give you my number." At Namjoon's look, he clarifies. "Not in a romantic way, but in a friendship kind of way, you know? You seem like you could use someone and maybe I can too, so… so, here's my number. If you ever want to hang out, just let me know, okay?"

It's weird. Namjoon feels like it's weird but he also takes the slip of paper that Seokjin has been holding out and he smiles back and means it again. It's weird but that's okay. Weird is—

"Okay," he says just to say something. "I'll call you. Maybe. Thanks again for everything. Have a good night."

He turns back around and right before he slips into the car, he sees Seokjin one last time, leaning against the doorway with a smile on his face.

And then, the car drives away.

 

♥︎

 

The next time Namjoon seems Seokjin, it's at his own house this time. It's been a month since the party, a week since he finally forced himself to move on from Hyukjae, and just an hour since he found Kim Seokjin's number saved in his phone. Namjoon didn't even hesitate to finally text him, but when the first message was sent, he could only sit there awkwardly, waiting.  

To his surprise, Seokjin responded right away, happy that Namjoon messaged him, happy that Namjoon reached out, and it's so unlike anything Namjoon has ever experienced that he goes along with it.

Namjoon asks him to come over as a joke.

Thirty minutes later, Seokjin is knocking on his apartment door.

He's wrapped up in a big coat, his head looking tiny under the hood above his head, and Namjoon laughs at the sight, pulling an offended huff from Seokjin.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I can't believe you actually came over. We don't even know each other."

"You're right. We don't, but I wasn't really doing anything, and you don't seem like you'd actually rob me."

Namjoon gives him a long look. "Were you just waiting to say that joke again?"

It makes Seokjin laugh again and the sound is nice, really nice, and Namjoon can't help but smile back softly. To distract him from his dumb joke, Seokjin holds up the beer he brought with an endearing lopsided smile.

"Can this be my apology?"

Namjoon immediately opens his door wider, letting Seokjin step into the home that still doesn't feel like a home. Namjoon has never been sure that he'll be able to feel like his apartment is his home. Since he moved in a year ago, it just feels like a place. A place where things can get too loud or too quiet, but it's never just right. It's never a place that Namjoon wants to exist in.

Seokjin fits in too easily, his shadow somehow slipping alongside the rest naturally as he slips off his jacket and shoes, and Namjoon isn't able to do much of a tour since his not-home is a one-room apartment, but he still gestures around awkwardly and leads Seokjin over to his bed so they can sit down.

"I don't really have anywhere else to sit except on the floor, which we can definitely do, but also my bed is pretty comfortable."

"That sounds like a proposition," Seokjin laughs and Namjoon tenses. Seokjin notices and continues speaking. "That was another joke. I'm okay with sitting on the bed, Namjoon, don't worry."

Namjoon breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank you, hyung."

"How do you know I'm your hyung?" Seokjin asks, frowning prettily as he folds his feet under his thighs, pulling Namjoon's blanket over his lap.

"I can just tell. You act like it. I was born in 1994. You?"

"1995."

"You're lying," Namjoon replies easily.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are, hyung."

Seokjin rolls his eyes. "Fine, yes. I was born in 1992. Happy that I'm an old man, wise beyond my years? I have reached levels you still cannot reach."

Namjoon hums. "You aren't that old."

"I know I'm not that old," Seokjin replies exasperatedly. Namjoon grins at him, looking intensely at him and then finally looking around his apartment just so he can look somewhere else. Seokjin is handsome, but his hair is also stuck to his forehead and his cheeks are red and Namjoon thinks he's kind of weird, too. "Your apartment makes sense," Seokjin then says, making Namjoon blink.

"What do you mean?"

"It feels like you."

"That's kind of an odd statement considering we don't know each other."

Seokjin only shrugs though, not replying, and Namjoon looks around again, looking at the few trinkets he's put up. Namjoon likes collecting things, but he also knows he can't afford to collect anything right now so he's stuck between having a box of figurines that he can either put out or sell. Namjoon looks back at Seokjin. Seokjin's already looking at him.

"Doesn't it kind of feel like we know each other? It's weird, right? I feel like I've already memorized your face."

Seokjin stares at him for a long time after that and Namjoon thinks that he really fucked it up now, not even knowing what "it" is, but he knows he fucked it up. After another minute, Seokjin just nods with an unreadable smile on his face. It makes Namjoon feel like they're old friends though. Makes Namjoon feel like they make sense in a way that isn't supposed to. It's weird. Namjoon doesn't think he can really get into it. He doesn't even understand it.

Finally, Seokjin shrugs. "Guess we're soulmates. Do you believe in that kind of thing?"

"Don't know. I don't really believe in anything except in ourselves. I believe in our own power to make choices and do things. I believe that my actions have consequences. You gave me your number a month ago and now here we are, talking to each other like we're best friends. I believe in that kind of thing. Soulmates could be real though. Anything could be."

"You definitely have thought more about this than I have," laughs Seokjin softly, "But I guess I agree with you. You do seem familiar. I don't normally give out my number so casually. But for you…."

"Oh? High standards?"

Seokjin shakes his head. "No, it's not that." He glances down at his hands and Namjoon's gaze follows the movement. He has pretty hands, Namjoon thinks. No, wait, that's a weird thought, Namjoon thinks again. Whatever, who cares, he has pretty hands, he thinks one last time. Seokjin clears his throat. "I don't really make too many friends. It was my roommates holding the party, not me. I don't even like parties like that. Too noisy. It's just… I just don't give out my number to people." He shrugs again. Namjoon wonders what Seokjin is thinking.

Namjoon wants to ask more. Wants to ask, So, why'd you give it to me? but he doesn’t want to drive Seokjin away either. He's been needing to make new friends since he moved and Seokjin seems like a good choice. Namjoon swallows, suddenly feeling very alone.

"Do you want to watch something? We can watch a movie on my laptop."

"Yeah, sure," Seokjin says immediately, voice breathy. They both want to change the subject. Namjoon thinks he's holding onto something here. "Yeah."

Namjoon nods. "Okay, here." He moves closer to Seokjin, grabbing his laptop right before he does, and he motions for Seokjin to return the sentiment and finally, their sides are brushing. He sets the laptop on both of their thighs. "What do you want to watch?"

Seokjin laughs. "Hmm, do you like animated movies?"

"Yeah."

"Then, that. Nothing too sad though. Sad things make me sad."

Namjoon nods, pulling up a Studio Ghibli movie that he's been meaning to watch for a while. Seokjin breathes softly next to him and Namjoon has to resist the urge to lean into him suddenly. He's probably just a bit touch-starved, probably just misses having someone to talk to so easily like this, and he doesn't know what Seokjin's deal is, but the cautious way he's holding himself seems to indicate something Namjoon doesn’t understand. Namjoon takes a deep breath.

"Okay," he says quietly. "Here we go."

 

♥︎

 

Seokjin's friends are good people, Namjoon thinks. Really good people. They welcome him easily, respecting his need for space but making sure to include them in conversation. Jimin and Taehyung are holding hands the entire night and when they catch him staring, they offer to hold his with wide matching grins on their faces. Namjoon's entire face goes red at the thought, declines the offer, and Jimin and Taehyung snicker fondly at him.

Seokjin's other friend is also one of his roommates and his name is Jung Hoseok. He's Namjoon's age and engaging in a way that has Namjoon feeling almost insecure. Besides Seokjin, Hoseok talks to him the most that night, which Namjoon appreciates. The other friend is Min Yoongi, Seokjin's other roommate, who apparently needs this night out more than any of them.

"I don't know," Yoongi says at one point to the table. "I'm just fucking tired. I feel kind of drained from producing. I feel stressed and recently everything I've been making just feels like shit. Like I'm wasting my time even trying to make it."

Jimin and Hoseok try to reassure him almost immediately, saying platitudes that Namjoon tries to grab out and take for himself. He's had that same issue before, with creating. Feeling like everything he creates is something that should just be destroyed. He stays quiet as Yoongi and Jimin disagree about something Namjoon feels stuck between.

"Are you okay?"

"What?"

Hoseok smiles at him. "You just look kind of lost. Kind of like that first night. I didn't say hi, I was also super out of it, but I managed to catch a glimpse of you talking to Seokjin before I went to bed."

Namjoon nods, smiling tightly. "Yeah, that was a weird night. I feel like we were all kind of out of it."

"But you're good now? It's okay if you aren't. That's what Seokjin likes to tell me."

"I'm okay," Namjoon replies awkwardly. He doesn't feel as comfortable with Hoseok as he does with Seokjin but Hoseok is kind and there's a part of Namjoon that wants to cling to the idea of making a new friend. Hoseok must sense his discomfort though because he changes the topic, nodding toward Seokjin and asking, "So, how long have you two known each other?"

Namjoon shrugs, glancing at Seokjin who was scolding Yoongi for being so weirdly negative. Namjoon smiles at the sight. Seokjin is….

"Not very long? I don't know, it's weird. We've only hung out a few times, too." He glances back at Hoseok. "How about you? How long have you known him?"

Hoseok laughs. "Just a couple of years. We met in college. Now we're here. He's a good guy, I really love him."

Namjoon simply nods. Hoseok's love for Seokjin is obvious. That kind of love that comes with friendship, that kind of love Namjoon isn't so sure he has anymore.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

Hoseok grins. "What do you think about him? What's the story between you two?"

"You know we can hear you, right?" Seokjin suddenly loudly says. Hoseok ignores him but Namjoon shifts his gaze, seeing that the table has gone quiet. Seokjin's already looking at him. He smiles at Namjoon. Namjoon doesn't smile but when he looks back at Hoseok, he's biting his lip.

"Don't know. I don't really know him. He's… yeah."

Hoseok nods seriously. "He is."

"What does that mean?!" Seokjin exclaims in the background.

Unexpectedly, Hoseok leans in, his lips next to Namjoon's ear. Namjoon frowns. And then, he whispers. "Give him a chance, Namjoon."

Hoseok pulls back and Seokjin is still looking at him, Namjoon realizes when he sees him in the corner of his eye. Seokjin is handsome. Seokjin is handsome.

"That was weird," Jimin speaks up. Taehyung pushes into his shoulder, as if to scold him, but there's a strained grin on his face too, and Namjoon realizes it was kind of weird.

"Okay, enough of this," Seokjin says again, even louder than before. "Let's do something else."

"Please," Yoongi mumbles.

Namjoon can't stop thinking about what Hoseok said though.

 

 

Later on that night, Seokjin walks Namjoon home, his voice a pleasant hum in the night as he teases Namjoon about something Namjoon pretends to remember. There's a heavy feeling gnawing away at his stomach, chipping his insides with a sledgehammer but Seokjin's voice is soothing and helps piece him back together again.

"I understand your friend's feelings by the way," Namjoon says when there's a lull in their conversation.

Seokjin hums again. "About what?"

"About… creating things. He said he wasn't really liking what he was creating. That he was tired. I understand. I've been the same way. I meant to say something too, but I wanted to say that he'll get through it. I know he will."

"He will," Seokjin agrees, nodding. After he says it, Namjoon's arms brush lightly against Seokjin's and Namjoon has to hold back a shiver. "What do you create? I didn't know you made things. It makes sense though. Part of your whole character."

Namjoon rolls his eyes and leans in a bit closer to Seokjin, feeling a yearning for touch. "I write songs and poetry."

"About what?"

Seokjin's arm wraps around Namjoon's waist cautiously and it sets Namjoon's body on fire. Namjoon holds back another shiver.

"About everything. Life. Love."

"What about food?"

"Why would I write about food?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

The response warms Namjoon's bones and he holds back a smile, biting the inside of his cheeks as he contemplates his own answer. When he was younger, he's sure he would have answered quicker, but now, there are many things he likes to create and do. Namjoon doesn’t know what he likes doing the best though and he doesn't know what hobby he dedicates more time to.

So, Namjoon tells him everything as best he can. He tells him everything from his past with music and his love of words and sounds and his love of rhymes and rhythms and at some point, Seokjin holds his hand out for Namjoon to take and Namjoon doesn't let go.

Namjoon doesn't let go.

 

♥︎

 

On a lazy day, Namjoon asks Seokjin if he wants to go to the Han River with him. He's been feeling that urge again to do something out of the routine, to do something that brings life back into Namjoon's being.  

"Let's go on the river," Namjoon says like it's the easiest thing in the world. "Have you been on the river before?"

Seokjin is giving him a long look but finally, he nods. "Yes," he says quietly. "A very long time ago, but it wasn't a particularly fond memory." He chuckles. "It'll be nice to go with you though."

They go then and there, only briefly checking online where they can rent a boat together, and Namjoon locks the three locks on his door and rolls his eyes at Seokjin when Seokjin asks him if he's locked it enough.

"One day," Namjoon says. "I'll get to have a fancy door that can only be opened with a code and guess what? I won't open it for you."

"Who says I'd want to enter anyway?"

When they arrive at the river and get everything situated, taking a last-minute class on safety precautions, Namjoon feels warm. How did he get here, he wonders not for the first time. How did he get here?

They don't really go anywhere on the river, simply rowing out into the middle and talking to each other about how their weeks went. Seokjin likes to talk to Namjoon when they're alone like this. He once said to Namjoon that Namjoon was good at listening to him, good at comforting him. Unsurprisingly, Seokjin's looking for a new job. Namjoon nods, saying that he's been thinking of doing the same and then they talk about that for another half hour.

"When was the last time you were here?" Namjoon asks as the sun starts to set.

Seokjin pretends to think about it. "I was a kid. Maybe six or seven. I came with my family."

"It wasn't a good time?"

Seokjin shakes his head but he smiles widely anyway. Namjoon blinks at the sight. Seokjin seems—

"No," replies Seokjin. He looks away from Namjoon, across the river to the other side but Namjoon doesn't follow his gaze, too focused on the way Seokjin's lips form words. "It wasn't. My parents were arguing the entire time. We left early because I couldn't handle it anymore and started crying." Seokjin looks back at Namjoon. Namjoon flushes.

"Ah," Namjoon coughs. "I'm sorry, hyung."

"It's okay, Namjoon," Seokjin smiles. He sighs and tilts his head back, stretching as he does. "This is nice, isn't it? This is nice."

And Namjoon agrees. It is nice.

Eventually, they have to return to the land, leaving much later than they should have, and Namjoon knows they definitely went past their scheduled time, but Seokjin seems more relaxed than Namjoon has ever seen him and he thinks it was worth it. They thank the man they rented the boats from graciously and when the man asks to take a picture with Seokjin for "how handsome he is," Namjoon stands off to the side fondly shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Seokjin's embarrassed when Namjoon teases him about it but after a few more jokes, Seokjin rolls his eyes and makes them himself, declaring himself the most handsome man in all of Korea.

Maybe he'll stick around, Namjoon muses inwardly, watching as Seokjin pulls out his phone to force them to take a few selfies together. I'd like that, he thinks again. I'd really really like that.

 

♥︎

 

Seokjin and Namjoon don't fit together easily. There are parts of them that clash and they can disagree for an entire day and still end the day on the wrong page and Namjoon can't imagine his life without him.  

Before Seokjin and his large group of friends, Namjoon didn't have people to rely on. He had his ex-boyfriend who broke his trust and his heart. He had his sister who he still feels he never really knew. He has his parents who he feels never really knew him.

Seokjin knows who Namjoon is. Seokjin makes food for Namjoon when he's stressed, all-but-knocking over his front door to get inside to make something actually edible. Seokjin supports him when Namjoon decides to apply for a writing contest. Seokjin asks before he hugs Namjoon because he knows Namjoon would never ask for hugs on his own.

Namjoon knows Seokjin, too. Knows his favorite movies, his favorite time of day, the soft reply he'll give when he doesn’t want to talk about something. He knows that Seokjin likes to be alone but not lonely. He knows that Seokjin sometimes tries so hard, too hard to meld himself to fit something he's not. Namjoon sees that because he does the same.

He never comments on it. It's not his place. Besides, Seokjin already knows. Sometimes, Seokjin seems to know everything even if he doesn't say it out loud.

There are some days they don't fit together easily, but there are days like today, like today that has Seokjin laying back on his bed, scrolling through his phone as he gives live commentary on the webcomic he's reading, Namjoon laughing softly all the while.

There are times like this, times that seem to stretch out so thin that Namjoon feels like he might fall any time soon. There are times like these, like these that have the two of them together, fitting together perfectly.

"What're you doing?" Seokjin asks, voice so quiet it makes Namjoon shiver. Namjoon looks up from his notebook. He smiles.

"I'm writing."

"About what?"

"Food," Namjoon teases.

Seokjin rolls his eyes. "Oh, don't tease me with my greatest dream, that's not funny, you know."

"Oh, then I deeply apologize," Namjoon retorts, easily, with laughter tinting his tone. He goes quiet, staring down at his words.

 

(there's something shivering in my rib cage,

something is there, cold and barren,

all these years have passed and yet,

somehow, I'm still stuck in the winter.)

 

Namjoon lets out a breath. "It's just words. It's what I'm feeling, I guess. I've been trying to write more. It's working."

Seokjin hums, putting his phone on his stomach as he turns his head to stare directly at Namjoon. Namjoon feels his words more than ever. More than ever. He feels them.

"Will you read it to me?"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"Okay," Namjoon finally replies, feeling that warmth again. "Okay, I'll start with today's entry."

"Start from wherever you'd like, Namjoon."

Namjoon starts from where he opens up to first. Three weeks ago. A good day.

So, Namjoon reads.

And Seokjin listens.

 

♥︎

 

"You know… it really does feel like we've known each other for a long time," Namjoon says over dinner one late evening.

"Must we talk about deep concepts every time we eat together?" Seokjin asks, raising an eyebrow. Namjoon rolls his eyes.

"I'm just saying."

"Why don't we talk about our favorite anime? We could even talk about the food, but noooo, you're going to bring up existentialism."

"If anything, I was just commenting on how I don't have to talk to you about philosophical stuff because it seems like I've known you for a long time."

If Seokjin were anybody else, Namjoon may have actually worried that he was being annoying. He may have actually worried that maybe, somehow, Seokjin was tired of their… whatever it is that they have or are. Seokjin isn't anybody else, though.

"It does feel like that. I know we've talked about it before but… yeah, Namjoon," Seokjin says. His lips twist into a small smile. "I'm glad I met you at that party. I'm glad you tried to rob me in the confines of my innocent home."

"Can we please let go of the robber thing. I told you that was only my outfit because it was all I could find in my closet."

Seokjin snickers. "It was just so bad."

"You said I looked cute."

Seokjin nods, swallowing. His ears have gone red. Namjoon tries not to stare. Finally, "You always look cute, Namjoon."

Namjoon doesn't reply, feeling himself go red as well as he stares resolutely down at his food. It's the moments like these that confuse him, that tend to blur the lines between what he thinks they are and what he knows they are. Namjoon wants to ask. He could ask so easily, could say something, could bring it—them—up, but he doesn't. Namjoon stares at his food. He stares at his food. He stares at his food.

"I'm sorry," Seokjin says. Namjoon's gaze snaps back up to him. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Namjoon shakes his head. No. "You didn't make me uncomfortable, hyung." He picks at his food.

"Oh."

"Yeah, it's okay."

"Okay."

"Yeah."

They stare at each other for a few long seconds before finally, Seokjin lets out a tired laugh. "That was kind of ridiculous," says Seokjin. "Let's not do that again. I'm not sure I'll be able to survive the awkwardness."

Namjoon wants to know everything there is to know about Kim Seokjin.  

"Agreed," Namjoon replies, smiling. "We can definitely do better than that." Pause. He waits until Seokjin finishes his bite. "So… favorite anime?"

Seokjin laughs. "You're so weird."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Fine. Parasyte, I don't know, I'm not sure if I do have a favorite."

Namjoon rolls his eyes. "And it was even your question."

"It's sweet that you listen to me."

In his chest, his heartbeat seems to get louder, but that doesn't make sense. In the pit of his stomach, something flutters and flutters, but that doesn't make sense either. In his mind, Seokjin could be his, his person, if he asked.

Namjoon wonders what would happen if he only asked.

"Well, when you do decide, you should show me," Namjoon finally replies.

Seokjin frowns. "Show you what?"

He could ask now, he thinks.

"Your favorite anime."

He could ask now, he thinks again.

"Oh."

He could ask now, he can't stop thinking.

"Here, try this," he says, placing a piece of his beef on Seokjin's plate. "You were going to steal some from me later anyway."

Namjoon smiles and doesn't ask.

"Have I ever told you how intelligent and kind you are?"

He doesn't ask.

 

♥︎

 

Seokjin doesn't have any big dreams in his life. He tells this to Namjoon on a night quieter than it should be and Namjoon listens with a heavy heart.

"I used to," he says quietly. "When I was little, all I wanted to do was make my mom proud of me. I wanted to be someone she could brag to about all her friends. I didn't know what that meant though… whether it meant going into business or being a movie star or what… I just wanted to make her proud, Namjoon."

"And now? You don't want to make her proud?"

Seokjin blinks. He lets out a breath. "She's dead, Namjoon. She died a few years ago, just when I first entered college. I don't talk to my family too much anymore since she's died." Seokjin lets out a laugh washed in something Namjoon can't even begin to understand. "I didn't realize I hadn't told you yet. I can be bad at opening up to people." He looks at Namjoon. He's beautiful. He's beautiful. He's beautiful. "You make it easier."

"I'm sorry, hyung."

"Don't be sorry. Especially not you. It's okay. In a way… it put everything into perspective. I don't want to live my life for my mother and I don't want to go after dreams just to make her proud. I want to go after dreams for myself. I want to live for myself."

And it's moments like these. Moments like these that Namjoon wonders how such a radiant man like Kim Seokjin exists at all. Kim Seokjin, with an unreadable heart on his sleeve. Namjoon feels like he's known him forever. Namjoon feels like he'll know him forever.

"I'm proud of you, hyung. I think that's a really good thing to look forward to. To reach for. I'm doing the same. We're going to make it."

Seokjin laughs quietly, leaning his body forward to rest his forehead against Namjoon's.

He's right there, Namjoon thinks, heart racing toward something Namjoon can't see. He's right here. He's right there. He's so close.

Seokjin places his hand on Namjoon's left cheek. He smiles.

"I'm proud of you, too." He pulls back. "And you're right. We're going to make it."

Seokjin doesn't have any big dreams in his life. Namjoon doesn't either.

He hopes that, maybe, together they can find them.

 

♥︎

 

Namjoon's friends are good people, Namjoon thinks. Really good people. Jimin and Taehyung are as disgustingly and endearingly in love as they always are, holding hands on the table for everyone to see, their matching smiles glowing in Seokjin's living room.

Hoseok is sitting next to Namjoon, scrolling through something on his phone to show him (he's been scrolling for at least five minutes), and his thighs brush against Namjoon's slightly and it makes Namjoon feel less alone.

Yoongi is smiling fondly at his new boyfriend Jeongguk, who pretends to preen under the fake praise Seokjin is giving him.

Originally, Namjoon wasn't going to come tonight, determined to focus on his writing, but then Seokjin sent him a frown emoji and Namjoon was easily convinced. He brought a little notebook, like the "pretentious hipster he's trying to be" (Yoongi's words), and he's already written a small poem about how handsome Seokjin looks in his pink sweater.

He's being ridiculous, he thinks, holding back a self-deprecating smile. He looks at Seokjin again. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care.

Seokjin glances at him, smile catching on his face when he sees Namjoon already staring. He rolls his eyes, says something to Jeongguk, and wanders over to the other side of Namjoon, mumbling at Hoseok for taking up all of Namjoon's time.

"I'm trying to find this stupid article I read," Hoseok mutters, not even looking up. Seokjin laughs. Namjoon leans against Seokjin without meaning to but Seokjin doesn't push him away, simply stretching out his arm across Namjoon's shoulders, his left hand gently squeezing Namjoon's upper arm.

Namjoon is holding his breath.

"Have you written anything?"

Namjoon huffs. "Yeah."

"About food?"

"Nope."

"What, then?"

Namjoon hums and crosses his arms. "What're you going to do for me if I tell you?"

"Keep being your friend."

"Oh, so if I don't tell you, I'll be peacefully knocking out two birds with one stone?"

"Peacefully knocking out?"

"Birds are cute, hyung. I can't just kill them."

Seokjin places his hand on Namjoon's thigh. Namjoon swallows. Come closer, he wants to say. Be closer to me.

"Did you write about me?" Seokjin says, smiling. "I wouldn't be surprised. I am the most good-looking man ever. Worldwide, even. Worldwide Handsome."

Namjoon grins back at him, rolling his eyes. Seokjin's hand lightly brushes up his thigh.

And finally, foolishly, Namjoon replies. "Yeah, hyung. I wrote it about you."

Seokjin doesn't look away from him. Something in his expression softens immeasurably. Seokjin makes Namjoon feel so safe. Seokjin's hand stills on Namjoon's thigh and so softly that it feels only like a ghost of a touch, he pinches Namjoon.

"Hmm," Seokjin does respond with. His ears are red. Namjoon wants to ask what they are. He wants to ask if, somehow, they can get even closer. He wants and he wants and he wants. "That's—"

"I found the article! Namjoon, look." Hoseok tugs at Namjoon, handing him his phone excitedly and everything comes to a stop in Namjoon's brain. He nearly forgot where he is and what he is doing. Namjoon laughs at himself. Seokjin stands up and returns back to Jeongguk and Seokjin without anything but a tight squeeze of Namjoon's thigh.

It's hard for Namjoon that night.

To focus on anything that isn't the man he's realized he's in love with.

 

♥︎

 

Notes:

tw: mention of cheating, mention of parent having died

i will try and get the next chapter out as soon as i can :]

in the meantime, i'd love to know your thoughts! this is my plotless, all feelings namjin !!!!!!! like i said, it wasn't supposed to be more than one chapter, but there are a lot of feelings apparently !!! and i needed to get it out into the world so i can focus on one of my commissions right now and just !!! i hope that u like it so far !!!!

follow me on twt if you want!! i'm @polyjoon

much love,
dianna xxxx

Chapter 2: loving someone

Notes:

"i will try to get the next chapter out as soon as i can" okay. look. i can explain.

anyway, yes it's been exactly one year to the date since i posted the last chapter and i am so SORRY. as we all very well know, 2020 was a god awful year and i hope it burns in hell for what it was, but! i have finally finished this fic ;-; tbh i have had 50% of it written for literally like 10 months now and just now finished the second half in the course of a day despite how i sort of struggled to find an ending for this quite plotless fic :<

here's the playlist again :)

i hope you enjoy, thank u to everyone who waited so long, and thank you to any new readers as well! <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Namjoon meets Seokjin again in a place where it's quieter than it should be.

Nothing changes after Namjoon realizes. Not really. Seokjin still makes him laugh just as much, still makes goosebumps dance on his skin just as much, still makes Namjoon feel safe and listened to just as much. A part of him wonders how he got here. How did he get here. How did he get here.

How did he get here.

Nothing changes after Namjoon realizes. Not really. Seokjin still comes over when he wants, still likes the way that Namjoon respects his space, still calls Namjoon out when he's accidentally talking over him.

Namjoon wonders how his love for Seokjin can be so quiet but still loud enough that Namjoon hears it drumming and beating and booming as blood rushes to his head when Seokjin rolls his eyes and brushes something off Namjoon's shoulder.

Seokjin doesn't notice, Namjoon is sure of this. Not because Seokjin is oblivious to feelings and unaware of when something dramatic shifts a dynamic, but because Namjoon honestly doesn't change how he acts around Seokjin at all.

Maybe Seokjin's figured that Namjoon's been in love with him this entire time. Namjoon doesn't think it'd be too far off.

When Namjoon first met Seokjin, Namjoon didn't know what Seokjin was to him. A brother. A friend. A stranger with a kind heart. Temporary.

Permanent.

Temporary.

Permanent.

 

A soulmate.

 

Nothing changes after Namjoon realizes. Not really.

Eventually though, Namjoon realizes that he desperately and selfishly and loudly and quietly wants it to.

 

♥︎

 

"It's my brother's birthday today."

Namjoon looks up from his journal and when he sees Seokjin's expression, he puts his pen down, taking the time to contemplate his next words. This is important, Namjoon thinks. Really important.

Finally, "The one you haven't talked to in years?"

"The one and only."

"Oh."

Seokjin swallows like it hurts. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry, hyung," Namjoon says because he doesn't know what else to say.

"I want to call him."

"You do?"

Seokjin nods, letting out a deep sigh after he does. Namjoon understands as well as he can try to. He understands that Seokjin isn't close to his family, like Namjoon isn't close to his, but he understands that Seokjin misses his family in a way that Namjoon doesn't. Namjoon never grew close enough to his family to miss them. Still, Namjoon tries to understand.

"If it's important to you," Namjoon starts again, "then... I support you. If you want to call him right now, I can be here with you as you do."

Seokjin shakes his head and laughs in the way that bites at the heart. Fake. Self-deprecating. Sad. "He's probably changed his number, honestly. He doesn't want me to call him."

"You can't know that for sure unless you do it. Maybe he does. Do you want him to call you on your birthdays?"

Seokjin swallows again. "Sometimes. Sometimes I do."

"Well, maybe, his "sometimes" is right now. I think it's worth the shot. If he ends up not wanting to talk to you, he'll either not pick and not call you back or he'll pick up and tell you so. But if he does, then what's the harm in trying?"

"What if he doesn't want to talk to me, though? I don't know if I wouldn't be hurt if he didn't want to talk to me."

"That's why I'm here, Seokjin-hyung."

Namjoon says it and he means it, wanting Seokjin to know that if needs a lifeline, Namjoon is here and he's here and he's here.

Seokjin looks at him in a way that makes Namjoon feel like he's drowning. Thankfully, Seokjin takes his words at face value, nodding and grabbing his phone, gripping it tightly as he scrolls to his brother's contact. Before he presses the 'Call' button he mumbles a soft, "Thank you" to Namjoon and Namjoon smiles, holding himself back from leaning over and pulling Seokjin into a hug. That's the last thing he needs right now. Besides, Namjoon's so awkward he doubts he would be able to live it down.  

Seokjin eventually presses the 'Call' button and waits with anxiety written on his face, and then, after a few quiet long moments, his brother must pick up because Namjoon sees the shift in Seokjin's expression, subtle but loud.

"Hyung," Seokjin says, voice stable and breathy. "Happy birthday, hyung."

His brother says something and it makes Seokjin tense, but then, wonderfully, it makes him laugh. Namjoon smiles wider, meeting Seokjin's eyes when he sees the relief in them, Namjoon has to fight that urge again. To lean in and press Seokjin close to him, to reach out to him and let him know that sometimes, things work out.

Namjoon looks down at his journal, rereading some old entries as Seokjin catches up with his brother. He doesn't listen in.

After twenty minutes, Seokjin is laughing out a, "Bye, hyung. It was good to talk to you, have a great day," and when Namjoon looks back up, his heart stammers.

Seokjin's crying.

Not the sad, devastated crying that feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on you, but the crying that is warm and that is happy and that is light with relief. The crying that is cleansing, that is refreshing, that is like breathing.

Seokjin is happy.

"Thank you, Namjoon," he laughs out. "He was really happy to hear from me. He... he wants us to meet up soon. To catch up."

Namjoon's so in love with Seokjin that sometimes it hurts.

This isn't one of those times.

Namjoon beams. "I'm glad, then. I'm happy you called him."

"Me too."

Seokjin's smile is blazing.

Namjoon tries to catch the light and hold it close to his heart.

 

♥︎

 

Seokjin chose tonight's restaurant, claiming it to be the next Big Thing and saying that if the food here doesn't personally change Namjoon's life, he'll never cook again.

"You know that the restaurant isn't even the main event of tonight, right, hyung?" Namjoon asks as they open the doors to the small seafood shop. Namjoon isn't a fan of seafood, but Seokjin assured him that the few non-seafood items they had were good as well.

"It's still important," Seokjin mutters and Namjoon rolls his eyes, fond.

"Are you looking forward to the festival?"

"Of course I am."

"You're more excited about the food, huh?"

"Of course I am."

Namjoon snorts, letting Seokjin lead the way to a table and smiling softly when Seokjin chooses the one Namjoon thought he would pick.

"This okay?" Seokjin asks, already sitting down.

Namjoon sits down as well, crossing his feet under the table. "It's fine, hyung."

"Good."

It takes them no time to order. Namjoon chooses a dish Seokjin recommends and Seokjin chooses something he hasn't had before. Namjoon rolls his eyes when Seokjin muses whether or not they'll give them a discount since Namjoon is so handsome.

"If we got a discount for one of us being handsome, I'm positive it'd be you, hyung."

Seokjin pretends to think about it. "Hmm, I don't if that's true. Haven't you ever seen yourself, Namjoon?"

Namjoon's face warms and he looks down, blushing even more when he hears Seokjin's soft laugh from across him. He glances back up at the sound, huffing when he sees the red of Seokjin's ears.

"That was embarrassing, hyung."

"Only if you say it is." Seokjin swallows. "You dressed up tonight."

Namjoon glances down at himself out of habit. "Oh, I did, huh?" He meets Seokjin's careful gaze again. Seokjin nods at him.

"You look nice."

"Thank you," replies Namjoon. Ah, awkward. He gestures at Seokjin and clears his throat. "You do, too, hyung."

"Thank you."

They sit quietly for a minute or two and before Namjoon wills himself to say something else, his phone buzzes in his pocket. He reaches down, pulling it out with a frown, and quickly reads the message.

It's….

"What is it?"

Namjoon's gaze snaps up and he shakes his head at Seokjin's concerned look.  "No, it's not anything bad. An old friend texted me. He asked how I am."

"An old friend?" Seokjin leans forward. "From school?"

Namjoon can understand his confusion. Namjoon doesn't really have… well, he didn't have very many friends. Not before Seokjin. Not before Seokjin who brought along Hoseok and Jimin and Taehyung and Yoongi. Namjoon's smile is thin. Why does his heartbeat sound so loud?

"Yeah, but from… from years ago. Like five years, probably. I'm surprised he still has my number, honestly."

Seokjin's eyes are sad when he smiles. "Why wouldn't he?"

There's more questions behind Seokjin's words, but Namjoon doesn't want to focus too hard on them. Maybe Seokjin's right.

"It's weird to think about though, right? The fact that you can exist in someone's life and then disappear and then years later, you can exist again? I wonder what made him text me. Maybe he just feels obligated or something."

Seokjin shakes his head. "I doubt he feels obligated, especially if it's been that long." He hums "Besides, that's sort of how I felt when you messaged me a month after we met. It was out of nowhere. But I messaged back. And now look where we are."

Namjoon stares at him. He hears the chime of the bell above the door, he hears the muted conversations around him, people of different ages all in the same restaurant tonight. It's obvious there are some other people here that'll also be going to the festival tonight. They're dressed for it. They're probably here because this restaurant is close by. That's how Seokjin managed to convince Namjoon to come to a seafood place in the first place. There's so much life in this restaurant.

Seokjin is a life of his own.

"Where are we?" Namjoon finally asks, voice quiet in the midst of all of the muffled loud.

Seokjin blinks at him. His lips press a little bit closer together, his cheeks puff out as he sucks in a breath, and eventually, he smiles.

"You're trying to trick me into being philosophical but it won't work. I know where we are." Seokjin's smile turns wicked. "We're on a date."

Namjoon sputters. "You can't just claim that every time we hang out, we're on a date."

"Oh, so three days ago when I beat your ass in our mini bakeoff wasn't a date?"

"That wasn’t a bakeoff. You were the only one saying it was." Namjoon pouts. "Besides, you were only saying it because you knew I'd lose."

"Aha! So you admit that I won."

"I admit to nothing."

Seokjin snickers, leaning back into his chair and loudly stretching. "So? What are you going to reply to your friend?"

Namjoon shrugs. "I don’t know. Probably tell him what I'm up to. I'll ask how he's doing. The usual."

"You should ask him for any movie or drama recommendations. I've been looking for something to watch."

"I'll be sure to do that, hyung," Namjoon laughs.

"Good."

Namjoon lets out a fond sigh, leaning forward, elbows on table as he places his chin in his hands. "I am grateful for everything, hyung."

"Grateful?"

"You. Our friends. It's nice to have something to hold onto."

Seokjin's gaze is unreadable. He hums. Then, a smile. "I'm happy to hear that, Namjoon. You deserve to have that something."

"Aren't you grateful for me?" Namjoon teases.

Seokjin rolls his eyes. "I'm very grateful you're paying for tonight's meal."

"I'm even more grateful that you, knowing I make less money at my job than you, decided to step in and pay for yourself. What a kind hyung."

"How quickly you turn against me...."

Namjoon snorts, grinning, and it's quiet for a minute as Namjoon just lets himself stare at Seokjin. Seokjin's already looked away, observing the other people in this restaurant and Namjoon wants to know so badly what he's thinking about. Namjoon wants to reach over and grab his hands. Namjoon wants so much, all to do with Seokjin, and he doesn't even know where to start with himself.

"Have you ever been in love, hyung?"

Seokjin's gaze snaps back to Namjoon immediately. Namjoon and Seokjin don't broach this subject often. Obviously, Seokjin knows that Namjoon's last boyfriend cheated on him, but Namjoon rarely talks about him because why would he? Seokjin, however, never talks about his love life.  

"Do you think I have?"

"You call me vague and dramatic but look at you now."

"I call it like I see it. But have you ever stopped to consider that maybe I see it so clearly because I am it?"

"You're avoiding the question, Seokjin-hyung."

Seokjin lets out a loud sigh and, somehow, sits up even straighter while he does.

"I don't think I have, no. Not really." He laughs. "Although, I'm sure if you asked me at the time, I would have thought I was."

"Have you dated people?"

Seokjin nods. "Yeah. Three people."

"But you don't think you loved any of them?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. If I did, I'd still be with them, right?"

"Were you the one to break up with them?"

"I broke up with two of them. My last relationship… she broke up with me."

"I'm sorry, hyung."

Seokjin laughs again. "Don't be. If she didn't break up with me, I would have broken up with her. We weren't great for each other."

Namjoon hesitates before he asks his next question. He doesn't want to make Seokjin feel crowded in. But, he still asks. He's too curious not to. "Why?"

Seokjin doesn't seem to mind. "She made me feel anxious," he shrugs. "I made her feel self-conscious. We couldn't work our way out of those feelings, no matter how much we tried." Seokjin raises an eyebrow at Namjoon. "What about you?"

Namjoon swallows. "Yes, I've been in love."

Unlike Namjoon, Seokjin doesn't ask anything else, letting Namjoon's answer settle in the air with a forced, casual ease. Namjoon's glad. He doesn't want to talk about his past. And he doesn't know what he'd say if Seokjin looked at him and asked if Namjoon was in love with anyone, as if Namjoon wasn't in love with Seokjin.

Namjoon has never really been the biggest fan of lying.

 

♥︎

 

Without even noticing, the loneliness that used to plague Namjoon starts to dissipate. It doesn't disappear altogether but how could it when it has already seeped into all of the cracks and fissures of Namjoon's being? Namjoon isn't a fool. He's grown up accepting that there will always be moments of his life where his loneliness is his only companion.

Right now, however, isn't one of those moments.

Right now, he has people he cares about. People who care about him.

People who remind Namjoon of the details he would have missed before, who remind Namjoon that life isn't all lost and serious and melancholy. They make Namjoon realize just how lonely he was before.

And while there's a part of him that's afraid that he'll feel that way again, feel that aimless and hopeless, he's able to reassure himself.

It'll be okay.

Life is incoherent.

 

♥︎

 

Seokjin asks Namjoon if he'd like to spend Chuseok with him.

"I know you didn't celebrate it last year and I didn't really either, but this year I am. You don't have to come, obviously, but if you'd like to, you can."

Namjoon is stunned. "You really want me to? I don't want to intrude."

"Nonsense. And I wouldn't have invited you if I didn't want you to come. I'd really like it if you spent the days with me, but don't feel obligated to."

"I want to."

Seokjin's surprise is obvious. "Really?" He swallows. "I should also say that we'll be going with my brother and father to visit my mother's grave at one point. Is that okay?"

"Hyung, I'd be honored to meet your mother."

Seokjin's answering smile is warm. "Thank you, Namjoon. She'll be happy to meet you, too."

 

♥︎

 

Meeting Seokjin's family is just as awkward as Namjoon thought it would be. His father, though, isn't the stern man that Namjoon pictured in his head and Seokjin's older brother laughs more than Seokjin does, even though Namjoon thinks it's obvious when he's actually laughing versus when he feels forced to. Seokjin is quieter than usual, but Namjoon expected that too, staying by his side constantly so he never feels like he has to be somebody he's not.

They visit Seokjin's mother on the first day of Chuseok, Namjoon stepping off to the side as he lets the three of them bow their heads and speak whatever words may comfort them. Namjoon thinks about his own mother. He wonders if she's still cooking meals that last for days. He wonders if she misses him. Namjoon can never tell if he misses her, unsure if he misses her as a person or just the idea of having a mother. (He's certain it's the latter; he still doesn't want to admit that.)

They return to Seokjin's old home after the visit and gradually start a conversation, playing a few games as the television plays in the background. Namjoon catches Seokjin watching the screen a few times, but he doesn't call him out on it, instead pushing up even closer to him and leaning into Seokjin as he laughs. Seokjin once admitted to Namjoon that he liked when Namjoon did that.

It's so annoying sometimes but you're warm. Also, it's nice to know that you're needed, you know? I am your hyung after all.

Seokjin's brother eyes him as he does, a knowing glint in his eyes that's hard to interpret any other way, and it makes Namjoon flush more than once, but he doesn't back down. He doesn't care what anyone else may or may not think about him or Seokjin or them. 

They don't know them. They don't know what the two of them are like together. 

Sometimes, Namjoon doesn't even know. 

The first night ends quickly and comes with a sigh of relief. When Namjoon asks Seokjin where he can sleep, Seokjin snorts and shakes his head, a quiet, "Nonsense" slipping out of his mouth as he pulls Namjoon down into the bed with him. 

"You're sleeping here with me obviously."

Namjoon laughs, rolling his eyes, but gets comfortable anyway, letting Seokjin continue to spout nonsense about how it's Seokjin's duty to take care of him when he's visiting Seokjin's family home.

It's nice, Namjoon thinks, to go to sleep to the sound of Seokjin's quiet voice.

The next day is, somehow, even more awkward. At one point, Seokjin pulls him aside, a tight smile on his face as he laughs out a, "I think we extended our stay already," but Namjoon forces himself to be the neutral party here, shrugging and saying, "Well, they're about to feed us so we can't leave yet."

Halfway through the day, Namjoon realizes why it's more awkward than ever.

"So, when were you going to tell us the two of you were dating?" his brother asks, filling in the silence.

Seokjin doesn't even look surprised by the question. And surprisingly, he doesn't deny it either. "Is it a problem?"

His father shakes his head. "No, of course not, but I know I wish you told me before you came over. I would have... liked to know."

Namjoon glances at Seokjin, who's gone absolutely still.

An answer to a question never asked suddenly clicks in Namjoon's head.

"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier," Seokjin eventually says. "Although, can you blame me? Last time I brought this up, you told me I was being delusional."

"That was ten years ago, Seokjin. I'm sorry for saying anything like that, though. I didn't know any better."

Seokjin only bows his head in understanding and lets out a short laugh. "It's okay now, don't worry about it. I've grown up."

His father beams at him. "You really have."

"Yeah, you have," his brother agrees. "I'm proud of you. I can't tell you how surprised and happy I was when you called me. I missed you." He goes quiet, looking down for a few long seconds before looking back up, meeting Seokjin's gaze with a hard look. "I should have called you earlier. It's my fault. I just... I didn't know if you wanted me to. I didn't want to bother you."

Seokjin shakes his head. "Hyung, it's okay. Really. Besides," he glances fondly at Namjoon, "I wouldn't have reached out at all probably if not for Namjoon. He convinced me to go for it."

Seokjin's father nods in approval at Namjoon. "You're a supportive boyfriend."

Namjoon flushes. "Uh—"

"Oh, by the way, we aren't dating," Seokjin cuts in, grinning.

"Wait, what?"

Immediately, Namjoon and Seokjin both start laughing, Seokjin loudly exclaiming that they shouldn't have assumed anything just because they shared a bed and that Seokjin would have told them from the beginning if he was bringing a boyfriend over for Chuseok, homophobia be damned, and Namjoon laughs with him, his heartbeat rushing loudly in his ears, yet the rejection strums through his body even louder, clear as day, clearer than he'd like.

Shit.

 

♥︎

 

Namjoon doesn't think about it.

It doesn't really work. It never does. But still. He tries.

Namjoon doesn't think about it.

Namjoon tries so fucking hard not to think about it.

But Seokjin has been acting a bit off since their visit to Seokjin's old home and now it's all Namjoon can think about it. Seokjin tenses up more often when Namjoon throws an arm over his shoulder and sometimes when Seokjin says a joke that's barely funny, Namjoon will laugh and Seokjin will just stare at him like he's seeing something he never saw before.

Namjoon hates it, honestly.

As a joke, they have another baking competition, which neither one of them takes seriously at all. Seokjin wins again, of course, and when he tastes Namjoon's cookies, he makes fun of Namjoon for what feels like an hour after that.

And Namjoon spends that hour trying to defend himself all with a giant grin on his face because he knows damn well how shitty his cookies taste.

At some point, they collapse on the floor, the two of them playing a game of chess as Seokjin talks about Yoongi who apparently has been talking about Namjoon.

"I talked to him about how you write and he's interested in reading some of your stuff. He basically offered you a job, but in a very "Don't let Namjoon know I'm offering him a job" kind of way. Would you be interested in it?"

Seokjin asks the question very carefully, as if he's afraid of offending Namjoon, which Namjoon supposes he understands. It isn't necessary, though, and Namjoon smiles, immediately standing up to retrieve his journal to see what he could show Yoongi.

Seokjin asks to hear one, of course, which always makes Namjoon blush, but he does so anyway, flipping to one of his more recent pages.

 

(Our lives are the very nearest thing to birth and growth again,

A certain melancholy of facts, said in a long list of 'thens,'

I will wait for myself here, in the black and blue night sky,

So, perhaps when you're ready, you'll also stop by.)

 

It's the ending of a song he's been slowly writing and when he reads it, Seokjin listens as if it were the most important thing he's ever heard, his gaze never wavering from Namjoon's face.

When he finishes reading it, Seokjin only nods like it's a simple solution. "Yeah, you definitely should talk to Yoongi."

Namjoon just smiles, feeling incredibly shy all of a sudden. "Okay. I will."

They play another game of chess (Namjoon wins again) and all the while, Namjoon lets himself wonder if he was only imagining the flush of Seokjin's face after Namjoon had read him the song.

 

♥︎

 

Today, they'll be renting another boat on the Han River again, and surprisingly, Seokjin was the one to suggest it. Namjoon doesn't mind either way, happy to just exist near the man he loves.

But when Seokjin picks him up that day, Namjoon can tell something is different. There's a certain expectation settling into the air between them, but Namjoon isn't able to pinpoint what it is exactly. Seokjin only smiles, his cheeks flushed and pretty, and Namjoon has to stop himself from staring for too long.

Seokjin is so handsome that sometimes Namjoon doesn't quite know what to do with himself.

The day is a cloudy one and Namjoon muses about how he heard it might rain, which Seokjin simply replies with, "I'll make sure it doesn't."

"Oh? Do you control the weather now, too?"

"What else would I control?" Seokjin replies with an easy grin.

After taking yet another short class on safety precautions, they both get into the boat with the familiar ease of their first time here. They hadn't known each other as well as they know each other now when they first came. Namjoon remembers that was the first time Seokjin really ever opened up to him as well.

Seokjin was just someone who came into his life at a time that everything seemed muffled or too loud and Namjoon had let him because he thinks he could tell from the very beginning just how important he'd be in Namjoon's life.

He doesn't know.

They row out to the middle of the river. There are a few others in their own boats rowing around them and Namjoon has to stop himself from staring at some of them and wondering what their own lives are like and if the person in the boat with them is just as important as Seokjin is to Namjoon.

Seokjin is talking about how the past few days have been for him and Namjoon listens with an easy heart, smiling and giving any advice if appropriate.

Then, Seokjin freezes up, rubbing his palms against his thighs, and Namjoon notices because of course he notices, but he doesn't mention it. Seokjin has been acting like this for a while, after all.

"So," Seokjin suddenly says.

Namjoon raises his eyebrows. "So?"

"So, I realized something a while ago."

"What did you realize?" Namjoon asks, frowning. This could mean absolutely anything. Namjoon isn't even given enough time to go over all of the possibilities because Seokjin answers his question quickly, as if it were the easiest thing in the world for him to say.

"I realized that you're probably in love with me."

Namjoon's heart stops, his entire body tensing immediately. Seokjin is smiling at him, as if he didn't just rip the rug out from beneath Namjoon's feet. "What?"

"I realized when you asked me if I had ever been in love. It was only confirmed when we went to visit my brother and dad for Chuseok, though."

"Hyung, that was over a month ago now."

"I was taking some time to process it."

Namjoon swallows. "Why so long? You rejected me, right?"

Seokjin looks at him like he just grew another head. "When on earth did I ever do that?"

"You said we weren't dating to your family."

"We weren't dating!"

Namjoon sighs. "But it's how you said it that mattered. You said it like you never even considered it. So, now, what? You've considered it and decided to take me out on a boat where I can't escape to reject me properly?"

"There's absolutely no way you're this dense, Kim Namjoon."

Namjoon shuts his mouth, his heart having decided to start beating again at such a rapid pace that he feels the drumming of it throughout his entire body. He swallows again.

"I didn't want to just assume anything, Seokjin."

Seokjin's smile turns fond, his hand coming up to sweep his hair aside, and Namjoon almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of this situation.

"You should've," Seokjin then says. "It took me longer to realize than it did you."

"I didn't let myself realize anything, hyung. I didn't even want to think about it."

"You? Not thinking about something?"

Namjoon flushes. "Shut up."

Instead of laughing again like Namjoon expected, Seokjin's ears go very red. Namjoon just stares at him, his hands feeling clammy and gross. "So?" Seokjin asks. "Am I right?"

"What about you? If you are right, what does it mean for you?" Namjoon doesn't know if he can get his heart broken right now. Especially not while stranded out on a boat he couldn't immediately escape from. Seokjin is too good at this.

Seokjin pauses. Then, "Saying it out loud is harder than I thought."

And at that— Namjoon swears his heart stops again. "Oh."

"Give me a minute."

Namjoon can't help but snort at that. Seokjin only gives him a half-hearted glare.

"You don't have to say anything," Namjoon replies, his entire body feeling disconnected from his consciousness right now. "I know. Me too. You were right. You are right. And you can tell me whenever you're ready to. I won't ever rush you, Seokjin."

Seokjin takes his hand in his own after Namjoon says that; and he doesn't let go until much, much later.

 

 

That same day, they go to Seokjin's house, narrowly avoiding Hoseok and Yoongi, and fall asleep together after a few tired minutes of gentle kissing. Namjoon isn't too concerned about trying to impress Seokjin with amazing, beyond great kissing skills considering Seokjin obviously isn't trying to impress him either. They both still needed to brush their teeth and Seokjin is the one that pulls back to yawn loudly and dramatically, which earns him a teasing shove.

Still, when Namjoon settles down, waiting for Seokjin to finish up in the restroom, Seokjin is the one to make one of their firsts really matter.

"I love you, Namjoon. So much that it's kind of fucking ridiculous. But I do." Seokjin sits down next to where Namjoon is lying down. He reaches out, pushing lightly at Namjoon's hair so they can see each other more clearly. "I love you. We should date."

"Okay," Namjoon replies, his smile growing with every heartbeat. "I love you, too, not that you didn't already know that with your amazing deduction skills and determination in exposing me."

Seokjin just rolls his eyes and laughs. It's one of Namjoon's favorite sounds.

And Seokjin is his favorite person.

 

♥︎

 

Namjoon and Seokjin's friends are good people, Namjoon thinks. Really good people. When they finally reveal that they're dating to them, they all support them, most of them sharing a significant glance that doesn't go unnoticed. Seokjin and Namjoon then end up grilling all of them to see who figured it out first.

According to Taehyung, he knew the first time they all met each other. According to Jimin, that's a lie. According to Yoongi and Hoseok, they've known ever since Seokjin dangerously went over to Namjoon's house that first time as if Namjoon wasn't a complete stranger. Jeongguk says he knew when they first met and that he didn't realize they weren't actually together at the time.

The same night, Namjoon finally talks to Yoongi about his offer. They end up talking for an hour about it, Jeongguk making small quips about how fun it is to work with Yoongi, which Namjoon isn't sure he should believe or not considering Jeongguk's his boyfriend.

When they get back to Namjoon's apartment, Namjoon is so caught up in Seokjin that he ends up embarrassing himself.

"I really do think you're my soulmate, hyung. Remember that? When we first spent time together? We talked about that. We were destined to meet."

Seokjin doesn't respond and kisses him instead, his hand coming up to rest steadily on Namjoon's neck. They both sit on Namjoon's bed, not stopping themselves from kissing or removing each other's shirts, and Seokjin is so intent with every move he makes that Namjoon finds himself stumbling to keep up.

"I remember," Seokjin says as he rests his face into the crook of Namjoon's neck, his breath warm against Namjoon's skin. "I was even the one that first used the word soulmates. Thought I lost my mind when I said it to you, some random hot man who passed out on my couch after a shitty night."

"How do you think I felt? Here I was with the most gorgeous man in the world sitting in my shitty apartment responding to my nonsensical conversation about destiny and soulmates and feelings."

Seokjin chuckles, pressing a kiss against Namjoon's neck, and Namjoon's hands move down to grip Seokjin's ass.

The rest of the night is spent with the two of them wrapped around each other, Seokjin thrusting into Namjoon with quiet breaths of approval, while Namjoon tries not to get too overwhelmed by how much love he feels, afraid that if he thinks about it too hard, he'll start crying.

Seokjin would never let him live it down if Namjoon started crying. Besides, Seokjin might start crying in response, which Namjoon doesn't want to see at all.

When they both finish, Namjoon spoons Seokjin, burying his face in Seokjin's soft hair and smiling, and when Seokjin drifts off to sleep first, Namjoon is quick to follow.

For the first time, Namjoon feels like he's at a place called home.

 

♥︎

 

As Namjoon gets older, he starts to find new dreams in his life.

He starts working with Yoongi and it's something that brings Namjoon more clarity than he could have ever hoped for. The clarity helps Namjoon focus on finding a new dream for himself. It helps him find a semblance of a new sense of purpose. That alone is a motivator for Namjoon to try even harder than before.

Namjoon and Seokjin are both good people, Namjoon knows. They're weird apart and they're weird together, but they're good and they're good together and Seokjin inspires Namjoon to be an even better person. Besides the world itself, Seokjin is Namjoon's main source of inspiration when it comes to his writing and music. Seokjin always preens when Namjoon tells him this, but Namjoon knows him and knows he's even more touched than he usually lets on.

And Namjoon knows that others wouldn't agree with his place in the world. He knows others might judge him for not being close to his family and valuing his own chosen loved ones above all. He knows others might look at him as strange for not fitting in with the rest of the world so easily. He knows others have all sorts of opinions that exist to make Namjoon feel even lonelier than before, but Namjoon has his friends who support him and make him laugh when he's down, he has Seokjin who never makes him feel like he's something he's not, and, more importantly, he has himself.

So, he lives.

One step at a time.

 

♥︎

Notes:

them <3 they <3 wow <3

i'd love to hear your thoughts if you'd like to share ;-; <3

also i'm @polyjoon on twitter if you'd like to join my platonic picnic with all of my twitter friends

much love,
dianna xxxx