Chapter Text

1.

Olivia slammed down the phone after Barba had given her an update about the trial.

"Don't tell me the DNA is inadmissible," Nick huffed.

All eyes were on Olivia now. The whole team was eager to know how it went. They all wanted the monster who had violated Alice Parker and so many other women so violently, to get what he deserved.

"Worse than that," she sighed. "The judge, in her infinite wisdom, declared a mistrial."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Cragen yelled from across the room.

They all knew that he had been very fond of Mrs. Parker.

"And it gets worse," Olivia announced. "He's out on bail."

"Bail? He doesn't have a pot to piss in," Fin commented, an incredulous look on his face.

"Vanessa, his legal aid attorney, posted his bond."

They all knew the redhead was more than just Lewis's legal aid attorney and Olivia couldn't suppress a wry smile.

"This guy is beyond lucky," Amanda said.

"Look, we'll make a stronger case on retrial," Nick posed. He was determined to have the creep locked up and throw away the key.

"If they even let Barba retry it. There's no DNA. There's no victim."

The frustration was audible in Olivia's voice and they were all feeling it. After a moment of silence, Amanda had a suggestion.

"Tell you what, who wants to come with me and just shoot the son of a bitch?"

"Rollins …" Cragen began, but Fin stood up and assured him,

"Don't worry, Captain. I'll take her out to get something to drink. Anybody else, while my wallet is open?"

Fin looked at his coworkers but they weren't really in the mood to drink their woes away. Nick was going to see Gil and Cynthia, Elliot wanted to see his kids before they'd be in bed and Olivia asked for a rain check.

"I've barely been home at all this week."

"Well, go home. Stay there, two days," Cragen told her sternly.

"Captain, that's …"

"Liv, that's an order. You show up for work, I'll have you arrested."

Olivia appreciated his concern. She really did. The Captain knew that she had connected with Lewis in a very disturbing way in the interrogation room, but she wondered if time off was really the best thing for her right now. Prone to overthinking as she was, alone time hadn't really been her friend lately.

Elliot walked up to her and sat down on her desk, chewing his lip while she gathered the papers on her desk and shoved them in a drawer.

"You allright?" he asked after a beat.

"Not really."

"You wanna talk?"

"Not really."

She gave him a tired smile. It was all she had at the moment.

"Got it. See you in a few, huh? Keep your head up."

He reached out and squeezed her shoulder before walking off. Olivia appreciated her partner's concern too. She really did. And part of her had wanted to talk to him; or maybe she had just wanted the company, but she didn't want to keep him away from his family. He saw them too little as it was. They all needed to get home to lick their wounds and unwind.

She picked up some groceries on the way home. The least she could do for herself was cook a decent meal for a change. She might as well try to enjoy her time off. She even bought an extra bottle of red wine for the occasion, and a six pack of beer, just in case her partner decided to drop by after all. She smiled as she tried to balance her groceries while unlocking her apartment door. Her partner knew her too well sometimes. And she knew him. That's what happens when you've worked with someone for fourteen years.

She switched on the kitchen light before putting her groceries on the breakfast bar. She was about to begin putting them away when she heard a shuffling sound coming from inside her apartment. She frowned. Nobody but Elliot had a spare key of her place and she was pretty sure he'd actually gone to Queens after leaving the precinct.

"Hello?" she said hesitantly, taking a few steps into the darkened room. "Hello?"

And then she was faced with the barrel of a gun and her stomach dropped all the way to the ground floor. She knew who it was even before she saw his triumphant smirk. Her mind went completely blank while panic began to build in her chest. She froze.

"Welcome home, Detective Benson."

…

Elliot Stabler had driven all the way out to Queens to see his youngest three children, and fortunately, Kathy had let him in without any objections. He hadn't even told his partner yet that his wife had once again decided that they were better apart than together. She was right though. During their first legal separation, they had gradually relaxed around each other. Elliot had still rebelled against the whole idea of a divorce, but knowing he wouldn't be home had been better for Kathy than constantly wondering if he'd be home for dinner at all. They had both mistaken that relaxation between them for something else, and they had gotten Eli as a result. He didn't regret his youngest for even a minute but they both realized now that it should never have happened. And even when it had, he shouldn't have moved back home. After the shooting at the precinct, he'd become unbearable at home for a while and all their old grievances had returned with a vengeance.

And so he'd packed up once again and moved to a motel while trying to find an affordable place in the city. Again. He kept his suits at the precinct these days and aside from clean suits, he didn't need much. Just a real bed to sleep on, a TV set and a bite to eat before he'd head out to work again. The few clothes he had at the motel fitted in two duffel bags.

Kathy had smiled when he'd sat down to play cards with the twins, and Eli had crawled into his lap to 'help' him play. The five year old was learning to read in school and had given him away a couple of times which cards his dad was holding, reading the letters of the face cards out loud. Richard was very pleased with his little brother because of it, which only encouraged little Eli to read more.

All in all, he'd had a fun time. Kathy had let him stay for dinner and now he was on his way back to the city. It wasn't very late yet and he decided to go and check up on Olivia after all. She'd put up a brave face at the station but he knew she was very upset that this freak was walking again. A mistake at the lab. It made him think of the case that eventually cost O'Halloran his life and he shook his head. Dale Stuckey. What a loser. He didn't understand how they could have made another lab mistake in this case. This guy Lewis had walked so many times before, and they had him at last. DNA all over the place. They would need to go over Mrs. Parker's place again, secure new samples and make a digital scan of the entire crime scene to show the jury what had really happened there. Even without the rape kit, it should be enough, shouldn't it?

He shook his head again as he crossed the Queensboro Bridge into Manhattan. Now he was the one overthinking things. He drove to an all-night store near Olivia's place to pick up a few things for them to eat and drink, and then headed over to her place.

…

What you did to her ... You're lucky I didn't kick your teeth in.

What I did ... you should be so lucky someone does that to you.

You want to hear how I tied her to the bed.

She did things that... she never expected to do...

That she never imagined were possible.

Or do you want to hear how, at the beginning, she said she would do anything? I mean, she begged me for her life. And by the morning time, she was begging me to take her out of her misery. Which one do you think I enjoyed more?

Olivia blinked but quickly closed her eyes again. She was in pain and she was terrified but if he thought she was going to show him either, he had another thing coming. His words from the interrogation kept droning on in her head though, and she knew he was planning to do the exact same things to her that he'd done to Mrs. Parker - until she'd beg him to kill her too.

He'd already told her, that's the endgame. We got a lot of shock and awe to go before we do that.

And she'd already tried to reason with him to just leave so he wouldn't get caught. But he'd just laughed at her and touched the fresh cigarette burns on her chest, making her wince. How would she explain those burns away, he'd asked, looking proudly at what he'd done to her. She'd threatened him defiantly, even if she'd been strapped to a chair with duct tape. Her partner, her squad, the entire NYPD would be after him. He'd just welcomed the challenge and had knocked her out again.

He had force-fed her a lot of vodka and she was woozy. Still, she tried to take inventory of any fresh burns on her body since the last time he'd burned her and listened for any sounds indicating where in her apartment Lewis was and what he was doing. She was certain he was still there. He hadn't finished the job after all. The sickening details of Mrs. Parker's assault came back to her one by one and fear gripped her again. There was nothing she could do. She'd fight like hell but she knew there was no escape. He was going to rape her, right here, in her own apartment.

She heard a noise coming from the kitchen. Her stove was on and she remembered the smell of burnt flesh and pans of the stove with keys and hangers in them in Mrs. Parker's apartment. The woman had been branded … and then …

Olivia felt herself get sick. Lewis hadn't duct-taped her mouth this time after knocking her out, satisfied that she wouldn't scream again for now, and she wondered what he'd say or do if she threw up on herself. She refused to show any signs of weakness but this was something she might not be able to control. Her stomach churned and she felt the bile rise up in her throat, thinking of what Lewis was planning to do with her. The crime scene was still too fresh in her mind and now her apartment was turning into that same crime scene … and there was nothing she could do to stop him.

She began scolding herself mentally for freezing. For not reaching for her gun instantly, before she'd walked into the darkened living area of her apartment. How could she have let him get the drop on her like that? She swallowed hard, hoping to keep the meager contents of her stomach inside, even if that meant more alcohol would find its way into her bloodstream. And then she heard Lewis approach her again. She pretended to still be knocked out but wasn't sure if she was fooling him. She could feel him get closer to her until he was in her face, his bad breath hitting her nostrils.

"Rise and shine, beautiful," he taunted her softly. "We have more games to play."

…

Elliot looked up at Olivia's apartment out of habit and stopped on the sidewalk when he saw no lights on at her place. She didn't usually close her drapes all the way until she went to sleep, and he stared at the window for a few moments. Were the lights off or were the drapes closed? He couldn't really tell. He tried to shake off the uneasy feeling that was creeping up his spine and headed to the entrance of the building. One of Olivia's neighbors was just coming home and recognized him, so he could walk right up. He decided to take the elevator this time to get upstairs a bit quicker. For some reason he couldn't really pinpoint, he suddenly wanted to get to her place as quickly as possible.

When he walked up to her door, he heard a muffled cry and he froze, listening intently to hear where the sound had come from. He slowly put his groceries down on the floor and reached for his gun, still focused on hearing where the person in distress might be, but already knowing it in his gut.

It was her.

A retching sound confirmed it. It was Olivia and she was sick. Just when Elliot wanted to knock on her door, he heard a man's voice curse and then a loud smack, followed by a soft wail that slammed into him as if someone had just fired a gun.

Olivia!

Elliot felt every muscle in his body tense up instantly. His body was preparing to charge. His partner was in distress and he was going in.

…

To be continued ...

Chapter Text

2.

Elliot pressed his ear to Olivia's door. He wanted to break it down but he needed some idea of what he was going to be crashing into. He heard a voice but it was too soft to make out what the man was saying. Olivia's response was also unintelligible but somehow he could tell she was in pain.

And then it hit him.

Lewis.

The freak was out on bail and he was here.

It was a split-second decision then. Elliot aimed his gun, looked away and fired at the lock of Olivia's door twice; he kicked the door in, breaking the fragile door chain in the process and charged forward into the apartment. Lewis was already on his feet and grabbed his gun.

"Don't even think about it!" Elliot barked, pointing his gun straight ahead, holding it with both hands while walking up to the man. "Give it up, Lewis. Game over!"

An evil smirk appeared on Lewis's face and Elliot knew exactly what the man was going to do. Before Lewis could even begin to point his gun at Olivia, Elliot fired his, hitting Lewis in his left thigh. Lewis cried out in pain and dropped to his knees, but he was still gripping his gun tightly. Elliot charged forward until he was standing between Lewis and Olivia, his gun still aimed squarely at Lewis. Elliot was breathing heavily and looked down at the injured man, ready to shoot him again if he tried anything else.

Lewis seemed to realize that Elliot had the upper hand and raised his hands in surrender, but he didn't let go of his gun and Elliot knew the man wasn't done yet. He was a snake and snakes always found a hole to slither into.

"I know you wanna kill me," the snake said, "so why don't you? No one's gonna blame you after what I did to your precious partner over there."

He was trying to goad him into looking behind him at Olivia but Elliot wasn't taking the bait. He wanted to look at Olivia; desperately so, and the snake knew it. But he had to disarm and restrain him first. Olivia wasn't safe until he did that, and neither was he.

"Come on, Detective," Lewis continued. "You know you wanna do it. All that rage I see in you … why not release it right now, and rid the world of a monster like me, huh? You'll feel so much better and on top of that, you'll be a hero!"

Elliot shook his head.

"No. Death ... death is too easy for you. You're gonna pay for what you've done to all those women. They're gonna get justice at last."

"Justice, justice. That's such an abstract word, isn't it Detective? You strike me as an eye for an eye kinda guy. Hell, I'm surprised you didn't shoot to kill when you came bursting in here."

Lewis was chatting as if he hadn't just been shot and there wasn't still a gun pointed at his head and Elliot was getting impatient. He could hear Olivia breathing behind him and he knew she was in a lot of pain.

"Just shut up and drop the gun," Elliot ordered, and the frustration that was building inside him was now audible in his voice.

"You've got a temper, don't you?" Lewis said with a grin. "Well, come on then. Show me what you've got."

Lewis looked to his right, to the gun in his raised hand, and then wiggled the gun a little.

"Try me," Elliot said.

"Elliot …" Olivia groaned behind him.

He took a deep breath and breathed out slowly. Without taking his eyes off of Lewis, he told Olivia,

"I know, Liv. I know."

He didn't need to see her to know what she was telling him. And knowing she was awake and aware enough to warn him, grounded him in a way he hadn't known he'd needed. Lewis knew how to read people and he was trying to push his buttons. He could see the man processing his brief interaction with Olivia but Elliot didn't want to play his games. The mere fact that the snake wanted him to kill him, was enough incentive not to do it.

"Drop the gun, Lewis," he ordered again.

"Or else?"

"I could shoot your other leg," Elliot said with a smirk. "For starters."

Lewis's face dropped for a split second before it hardened again, and Elliot knew he had him. Mentally, he had just gotten the upper hand and they both knew it. Lewis broke eye contact and Elliot braced himself. What was he going to do as a last desperate act?

The instant Lewis moved his right arm, Elliot fired his gun again, hitting him in the right shoulder. Lewis screamed and dropped his gun. He lunged forward immediately, trying to grab the gun again despite being shot twice now, and Elliot stepped forward. He calmly placed his left foot on Lewis's outstretched hand before he could reach the gun and placed his full weight on his left leg briefly to kick the gun away with his right foot. The cracking of Lewis's hand was a very satisfying sound. He then stepped over the snake and twisted his arms behind his back to cuff him.

"William Lewis, you are under arrest for the kidnapping and assault of a police officer and whatever else we can pin on you. You have the right to shut up. Anything you do say can and most definitely will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you. Again. Got it?"

Elliot yanked Lewis to his feet after cuffing him.

"Got it?" he repeated loudly next to Lewis's ear.

"Why didn't you just kill me," Lewis sputtered, clearly surprised that apparently he'd read the angry Detective wrong.

Elliot dragged him to a dining chair and made him sit down.

"Because I want you to suffer," Elliot hissed. "Now stay put!"

Lewis had been running on adrenaline, crystal meth and energy drinks but was finally beginning to weaken from the pain and blood loss. But Elliot still didn't trust him not to try anything so he grabbed the roll of duct tape he found on the floor next to Olivia. He made brief eye contact with his partner but had to look away. He needed to incapacitate Lewis first, then he'd tend to her. He decided to simply tape Lewis's ankles together and to the chair, and then finally called for backup.

"SVU portable to SVU central. This is Detective Stabler calling for backup at 203 West 89th street, apartment 4E. I have a suspect in custody and an officer down. We need an ambulance and CSU stat! And call Captain Cragen."

"SVU central to SVU portal. We're on our way, Detective!"

…

The entire scene had played out in front of her like a movie. Olivia was drugged up, sick and the burns on her chest and stomach were killing her. Lewis had torn her blouse open and then she had thrown up all over herself as well as Lewis. He'd slapped her across the face, hard. Then he'd pushed the glowing coat hanger against her bare stomach.
Seconds later, it had been like the room exploded and Elliot had charged in, his gun drawn. It wasn't until Lewis was on his knees, bleeding but still talking, that she'd snapped out of her daze. Lewis had tried to get Elliot to kill him while he was down on his knees and she had to warn him. It was going to look like an execution if Elliot shot Lewis like this!

I know, Liv. I know.

His voice saying her name had felt like a comforting blanket in that moment. The reassurance in his voice that he was in complete control of himself gave her the faith that she would be alright. She could do nothing, still drugged, duct-taped to her own chair and injured - burned - but it would be alright now.

The second gun shot had sounded like a cannon going off inside her head and then she'd heard those familiar words, you are under arrest. She had relaxed at last, closing her eyes and dropping her head to the side for a moment. She was so tired. So tired.

Elliot was suddenly very close to her, picking something up, and she looked up at him. There was determination in his eyes and she watched as he taped her tormentor to a chair, just like the creep had done to her. She listened to Elliot calling for backup. And then, finally, Elliot focused on her. He knelt next to her chair and tentatively placed his palm against the side of her neck.

"It's over," he whispered and she let her eyes close again for a moment, leaning into his touch.

"I'm gonna untie your hands," he told her softly, "but if it's alright with you, I don't wanna touch anything else just yet."

She hummed to let him know she heard him, even if she wasn't following completely.

"He's not walking again, Liv. Not from this. Never again. We document everything."

He was telling himself as much as her and she understood.

"Okay."

After her hands were untied, she tried to close her torn blouse and Elliot jumped up and walked off towards her bedroom, quickly returning with a sheet.

"Here."

He wrapped the sheet around her, covering her up completely before their backup would arrive, and then knelt next to her again. He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and rested his other hand on her knee.

"Did he drug you?" Elliot asked and she figured she wasn't looking too clearheaded.

"Yeah. Pills. Vodka."

"The burns?"

"I'll live."

She tried to crack a little smile but Elliot wasn't amused. His eyes were full of concern and he was still tense.

"Anything else?"

"No."

"Liv …"

"No!"

She'd spoken loudly this time. Firmly. She had not been raped.

"Thank God," Elliot sighed, resting his forehead against her temple and pulling her a little closer to him.

"And thank you," Olivia added. "You got here in time."

They sat together in silence for a few moments and then Lewis thought it was a good idea to speak again. The two Detectives didn't agree.

"Look at the two of you. So adorable. So, does your boss know you're fucking? Or your wife, Detective Stabler?"

"Shut up, Lewis," Olivia hissed and she wished now that Elliot had untied her legs as well so she could stand up and get in Lewis's face. But a death glare would have to do for now. And then Elliot stood up for her and towered over Lewis.

"You do not speak to her again. Ever. Got that, Mister Lewis?"

Lewis wiggled his head, as if contemplating the question and then asked,

"Or what?"

Olivia had an answer for him and it was gratifying that she was the one saying it to him this time.

"One move, lights out."

…

To be continued ...

Chapter Text

3.

There was a flurry of activity around her, but Olivia wished they would all just leave her alone. Now that Lewis had been removed from the apartment, which was the first thing Cragen had ordered a few officers to do, she felt like curling up in a ball and just disappearing for a while. Cragen ordered no less than three officers to stay with Lewis. He was not to be left alone at any time at the hospital, not even for a second or heads would roll. And as soon as he was medically cleared he was to be put in a holding cell.

Meanwhile, CSU wanted to take pictures before Olivia could be untied further and she felt incredibly exposed. Elliot stayed close by, ready to cover her up with the sheet again as soon as possible. But it wasn't just the sheet she missed. This sense of being exposed ran much deeper than that.

After taking several pictures, a CSU member carefully cut through the duct tape, freeing Olivia's legs at last. Elliot helped her to stand up and wrapped the sheet around her battered body again. He urged her to come with the paramedics right away. A second gurney was already waiting for her in the hallway.

"Lewis?" she asked Nick, and Elliot hated how weak her voice sounded.

"He's long gone," Nick promised her. "He's off to Bellevue, you're going to Mercy."

"Thanks," she whispered.

Olivia took one last look around her apartment, then let Elliot and a paramedic guide her to the gurney. Once she was on it, she looked up at Elliot and he assured her,

"I'm riding with you. I gave my gun to Munch and he's taken it to be examined. And Cragen will hold off IAB for a while."

Olivia closed her eyes then and Elliot swallowed.

He'd never seen his partner like this before. He knew she'd been through a lot. He hadn't missed the cuts, bruises and burns on her body. But she was tough. He knew that. But somehow he also knew that it was more than the alcohol and pills that she'd been forced to take that made her almost lethargic. There was an air of defeat about her that shook him. Did she think she was to blame for what Lewis had done? That she had somehow failed? He wanted to hold her hand during the ambulance ride but he sensed that Olivia didn't want to be touched. And when they arrived at the ER and the Doctor pulled the curtain around her bed, she asked him to leave them alone for a while.

Elliot walked to the waiting area, where most of their coworkers had assembled already. Rollins opened her mouth to say something but before anyone could ask a question, Elliot told them,

"They're just starting to check her out now. She hasn't said a word yet. Not since help arrived."

"Did he …" Amaro started and Elliot shook his head.

"No. He never got that far."

"Thank God you got there in time," Rollins sighed. "How did you know?"

"I didn't. I just felt she shouldn't be alone and when I got there … well, you have an idea what I walked in on."

The Detectives nodded.

"Where's the Captain?" Elliot asked.

"He's showing Barba around the crime scene. He wants first hand knowledge this time so he can nail him once and for all."

"Good. That's good."

Rollins stepped forward and took Elliot's arm.

"Come on. Sit down for a minute. Can I get you a cup of coffee or something to eat?"

Elliot let the blonde guide him to the plastic chairs in the waiting area and plopped down on one.

"Some coffee would be great, thanks."

He silently thanked Kathy for letting him stay for dinner. If she hadn't, he probably wouldn't have eaten before returning to the city. Then again, he could have gotten to Olivia's much sooner. Maybe even prevented him from grabbing Olivia at all.

He shook his head and leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his thighs. He couldn't start thinking like that. It was done now and Olivia was safe. Whatever had happened, she'd get through it. She was the strongest person he knew, and he was going to be there for her every step of the way. If she'd let him. The way she had basically shut down on him, worried him. It wasn't unusual for them to shut each other out when things got tough but something about her was different this time.

Rollins handed him a cup of coffee and sat down next to him. Fin was pacing and Nick looked like he was ready to punch a hole in a vending machine that refused to give up a bag of candy corn. When Cragen and Barba arrived at the hospital, everyone perked up, eager for some distraction.

"CSU is still going over Olivia's place with a fine tooth comb. They're making a digital scan so they can make a virtual crime scene in the computer. We're gonna need your statement asap, Elliot. And Olivia's too, as soon as she's ready," Cragen announced.

"And IAB?" Nick asked. Elliot appreciated the man's protectiveness. They were a lot alike, Nick and he.

"I convinced Tucker that it can wait and you'll come to him when you're ready."

"Wow. Did you put a gun to his head or something?" Rollins smirked.

"It took some effort, but in the end I only needed words. Strong ones, but just words," Cragen said, trying but failing to suppress a small smile of his own.

"The promise that he'd be getting a copy of the scan including the trajectory of the bullets helped too," Barba chimed in. "For what it's worth, Stabler, he actually said he was impressed that you hadn't killed the bastard."

"I was tempted," Elliot admitted.

"Just don't tell him that," Cragen advised but Elliot smiled.

"Oh, don't worry. He knows. I'm just glad he knows I held back. It was by the book, Captain."

Cragen nodded, looked at the floor for a moment to gather his thoughts, and then lifted his dark eyes to meet Elliot's blues again.

"I promise you, Elliot. Nobody in this unit would have blamed you if you'd shot to kill."

…

The effects of the vodka and the Vicodin were subsiding gradually. Olivia had been given lots of water to drink. And while she had insisted that she did not need a rape kit done, the examination, documentation and treatment of her wounds had taken a long time nonetheless. The whole time, she hadn't been allowed to use the bathroom, in case she changed her mind about the kit. She didn't change her mind.

Once every one of her injuries had been carefully documented, she was finally allowed to use the bathroom and take a shower. She would need to be careful with her head wound and the burn on her stomach, which would both require more treatment after her shower.

By the time visitors were allowed in the exam room she'd been put in, Olivia was lying on a bed in a hospital gown. Her head wound had been cleaned and stitched, the cigarette burns on her chest had been cleaned, treated with antibiotic cream and covered with bandages, and the burn on her stomach had been thoroughly cleaned, treated and bandaged. The nurse had told her to rest a little while the Doctor got her paperwork and medication in order.

Elliot was the first to poke his head around the door, as expected. Olivia didn't know what to say, to him or to anyone. She knew she would have to give a statement but she felt completely drained and empty, and full at the same time. She kept replaying those first few seconds in her mind over and over again. The sound from within her apartment. How she'd walked into the dark room slowly, barely on guard at all, not even thinking about reaching for her gun.

Hello?

Hello -

Welcome home, Detective Benson.

When Elliot pulled up the only chair in the small room and sat down next to her bed, she looked at him with hollow eyes.

"I froze," she choked out.

She could see that Elliot wasn't following and she repeated,

"I froze, El."

His blue eyes were searching her face for more clues and then he asked her,

"That how he got the drop on you?"

"Yeah."

"It happens, Liv. You know that."

"Not to me! I'm a cop!"

Elliot reached for her hand, that was resting on top of the covers over her stomach and she flinched, then turned her head away from him. She barely recognized herself. She wanted to be strong and in control of herself but her body had a mind of its own and it scared her a little.

Fear. That was another thing that kept coming back. How utterly terrified she'd been.

"You're also a human being, Liv. Nobody knows how they'll react when someone jumps them until it happens."

"He didn't jump me."

She turned her head again to look up at her partner.

"He was already inside when I got home."

Elliot raises his eyebrows.

"How?"

"I'm hoping CSU will tell us."

Cragen and Barba came in then and Barba explained that officially, they should not be talking until they'd given their statements to IAB.

"But we're not going to keep you apart right now," Cragen added, "so Barba will be sitting in so he can attest that you haven't tried to line up your statements in any way."

"You know we're just going to tell the truth," Elliot huffed and Cragen put his hands up in mock surrender.

"Of course I know that, Elliot, but you know IAB. So for now, no talk about how, when and why you fired your gun, alright?"

Elliot nodded.

"I just wanna know that Liv'll be alright and then I'll go and see Tucker right away and get it over with."

Cragen fixed his gaze on her at last and asked her,

"How are you doing, Olivia?"

She sighed.

"I'm …"

She made a helpless gesture with her hand and Cragen glanced at Elliot. Her boss's concern was visible in his features and she wished, again, that she could just disappear.

"Are they keeping you overnight?"

"No. They're just getting my release papers ready."

The three men exchanged a look and then it dawned on her.

"Where am I gonna go now?"

"Your place is a crime scene. The department will put you up in a hotel."

"Okay. For how long?"

"Liv, don't worry about it ... What you've been through … You're on mandatory leave until you recover and I don't want any arguments."

Her face remained blank when she replied,

"I'm not gonna give you any."

Elliot told their boss he'd make sure she'd get to the hotel safely before he'd go to see Tucker and Cragen handed him a piece of paper with the address and room number of the hotel. Barba would tag along again and offered to talk to IAB as well.

Olivia sat up when her other coworkers came in one by one to greet her and while she appreciated their concern, the feeling that she just wanted to get out of there became more and more overwhelming, until it became hard for her to breathe. She tried to hide it but when she began to shake a little, Elliot immediately cleared the room and paged the nurse who gave Olivia a sedative.

"She needs to rest," the nurse said and Elliot couldn't agree more.

"So get her release papers and I'll make sure she rests."

…

They had swung by Olivia's place to retrieve some clothes and other items she would need. She had stayed in the car with Barba while Elliot went into her bedroom to grab her things. CSU had still been there and Elliot had tried not to let the smell of the place get to him too much. Stale cigarettes, the smell of urine and alcohol. It didn't feel like Olivia's place at all anymore.

It had felt very wrong to leave Olivia alone at the hotel but she said she wanted to be alone, to begin processing everything that had happened during the evening. With Barba lurking in the background, Elliot hadn't objected, but he was planning to return to her hotel room later. He didn't care what IAB would say about that, he just had this deep need to be close to her; to know that she was alive and coping. And if she wasn't coping, he'd have her back. He'd whispered to her just before she closed the door, making sure Barba couldn't hear him and his words had struck a nerve at last. He'd seen a flicker of … well, of something in her eyes when he'd told her,

I'm your partner, for better or worse.

Her soft Thanks, El just before she'd closed the door had been enough for now.

Next up was his interview with Ed Tucker. Much to Elliot's surprise, Tucker didn't grill him this time about his actions. All he wanted was a play-by-play of the events, from when he'd arrived at Olivia's building until backup had arrived. Tucker never questioned his motives or his account of the events of the evening. Barba gave a short statement too, about the mistrial that had left all of them incredibly frustrated, and about what he'd seen upon entering Olivia's apartment.

"Very good," Tucker said after turning off the recorder. "I have everything I need from you, Stabler. If forensics confirm your account of what happened, you're done here. For the record, I will need your partner's statement as well, but a copy of the statement she'll make tomorrow at your precinct will suffice."

Elliot couldn't really hide his surprise and Tucker chuckled.

"If I have any further questions after reading it, I will let your Captain know. I'm not out to bother her any more than necessary, Stabler. As far as I'm concerned she's the victim here and you handled yourself professionally."

"Thanks. That's … it means a lot, coming from you."

Tucker shrugged, not quite used to accepting thanks or compliments, and they shook hands before all three men went their separate ways. Elliot wasn't going back to his motel room. He needed to see Olivia again first.

…

To be continued

Chapter Text

4.

More pills.

Olivia was hesitant to take them, but after her initial numbness had subsided, she was beginning to feel pain. And it seemed to be everywhere. Lewis had punched her several times, and he'd kicked her in the back and the side a couple of times to wake her up after she had dozed off. She would have to start taking the pain medication that they'd prescribed, before the pain would get worse and she wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

Not that she was being successful so far. Her mind just kept replaying the hours she'd spent with Lewis in detail, over and over again. How he'd suddenly been there and she had frozen. How he'd knocked her out and she had woken up bound to a chair with duct tape over her mouth. How he'd ripped the tape off, offering her something to drink and how disgusted she'd been when it turned out to be pure vodka instead of water. But each time she spit it out, he only forced her to drink more. The strong liquor had gone straight to her brain, just like the Vicodin he had forced her to swallow.

And then there were the things he'd said to her.

His ability to read people was unbelievable and he had rattled her more than any perp had ever rattled her before. He'd hurt her physically and threatened to hurt her more, but the damage that would last the longest, was the psychological damage he'd done. Maybe it would even be permanent. Right now, she felt like it would be. She felt so exposed; every protective layer ripped from her soul, laying it bare for inspection. And Lewis had called her out on every single thing he'd found.

Your whole life is a lie.

He hadn't said it right away. He'd let her fill in a few blanks first. Not that she'd given him much, but not answering him and giving him defiant looks had amused him to no end. He had been feeding off her and had told her things about herself that he couldn't possibly have looked up anywhere.

...

Flashback

"You always wanted to be a cop, right?"

Pause.

"Right. You don't have to tell me. I already know. When you were a little girl, your life already sucked, big time. So you were gonna fix it."

Pause.

"You were gonna make a real difference. You're on a mission."

Pause.

"I gotta tell you though, you're not doing such a great job. I can still see you, hiding behind that tough, bitchy exterior. Little scared Olivia. You may think you're making a difference, but you still haven't fixed anything for that little girl, have you, Detective?"

Pause.

...

Olivia shook her head and sat down on the hotel bed, clutching a pillow against her stomach and leaning back against the headboard. How she had hated those pauses. She'd hated them almost as much as the sound of his voice. He was distorting everything and kept giving her just enough time to make sense of what he was saying through the haze of the alcohol and the pills. It seemed that, as soon as she'd fix her gaze on him again, he'd continue.

And so she'd tried to stay unfocused, or at least seem that way but naturally, he noticed. He could tell every single time she was faking it. And another cigarette burn on the chest would be her reward; each one a little lower than the last one, until he reached the tender skin of her breasts.

...

Flashback

"I can hear it in your voice. You're all bottled up. Yeah. All your life, you've been listening to stories... women telling you about the worst night of their life."

Pause.

"What about you, huh? What are you working through? Something your daddy did to you? Is that it?"

She just glared at him.

"I'm onto something, aren't I? Yeah, call me what you want, but I can always smell a victim! So what was it. Your daddy abuse you? Did he rape you, so now you have to avenge every other victim like yourself?"

Pause.

"Nope. That's not it, but I'm close. I know I am. So if he didn't do it to you, he must have hurt your mom. Yeah, that's right. That's just horrible, isn't it? Promising to love and cherish you one day and then beat the crap out of you the next. They're useless, men like him."

"Unlike you!" she snapped at him sarcastically then, and the triumphant look on his face when he got her to react was nauseating. He just chuckled and squeezed himself through his jeans for a few moments, reveling in his small victory.

"You know. Maybe he should have done you too. It's a great release, you know. Rough sex, I mean."

Pause.

She wasn't going to take that bait. Rape isn't sex but she remained silent, trying very hard to focus on not giving Lewis anything else to work with.

"Little girls are so nice and tight. But I bet you're still tight too because you're obviously not getting any. Not even from that macho partner of yours."

Something in her eyes must have given him something because he laughed out loud then.

"Oooooo, Olivia! Now that's not what I expected!" he chuckled. "You're a nice girl. You're not supposed to bang your married partner!"

Pause.

She was angry now. Even angrier than before, and her anger overrode her fear for a moment. Apparently, it was enough for Lewis to draw a new conclusion.

"Correction. You're a nice girl. You're not supposed to want to bang your married partner."

She couldn't look him in the eye then and she didn't realize how close Lewis had moved to her until she smelled his bad breath again.

"He's a passionate one, isn't he. You must have wondered about it. How he'd stretch you to your limits, bend you to his will and make you scream …"

Without thinking, she spat in his face, hitting him square in the eye. It only made him giddier, knowing that he'd struck another sensitive nerve. He stood, turned his chair around so he could sit across from her and lean on the backrest of the chair casually, as if they were just having a nice chat.

"So … wounded little girl with daddy issues; never really felt safe at home and hasn't been able to have a normal sex life; pines after a man she can't have. And he's probably not the first one she can't have. She prefers it that way, because a man she can't have, can't hurt her either. Does that sound like a badass cop to you, Olivia?"

Pause.

"You're pathetic, Detective. That's what you are. You should be glad you ran into me because I'm gonna give you something that will change you forever. Maybe you'll actually be able to heal then, right? When all of those defenses are finally broken away and all that is left is you. The real you. The you that you've been desperately trying to hide your whole life. The you that you don't want anyone to know. But I can see you, Olivia. I can see you. And it's not a pretty sight at all."

Pause.

"You're broken."

Pause.

"So how do you expect to fix anything?"

Pause.

…

Olivia swallowed hard and clutched the pillow tighter to her body. She had felt like crying then. Lewis was laying every nerve bare and poking at them as if it was all a game. And it was, to him. He thought it was funny to break her down like this and it had angered her. That anger had been her only source of power because everything else that she had built her life on, seemed to be broken down systematically until there was nothing left of the life she had so carefully built for herself.

Lewis was right.

She had built her entire life around her own trauma.
High walls around the scared child so nobody would see.
High walls around her wounded heart so nobody would try to love her - nobody would even want to - and she wouldn't love anyone too deeply, for fear of being hurt again.
High walls around her past, that almost nobody knew about, even if a few coworkers were aware of her history now.

But the walls were beginning to show cracks now. Parts of them were crumbling. And it terrified her. She felt so out of control, even worse than she had when she had first admitted that she had a problem after Sealview. She wanted to turn inward like she always did when she was hurting, but her old survival mechanisms didn't work as well as before anymore. Lewis had been right. He had given her something that would change her forever. She just didn't know if she could live with what he'd given her.

She wasn't even raped, for God's sake. She tried to get mad and find some semblance of strength to pull herself together but the only thing her body seemed to want, was to cry. And that wasn't her. Still, she couldn't fight it. Not anymore. All the pain from her past was bubbling back to the surface now, and all at once. There was no stopping this tidal wave of hurt that she'd bottled up for so long; not if she gave it even once inch. Her chest was constricting to the point she couldn't breathe anymore and she knew that if she would try to gasp for air, she would begin to cry and she wouldn't be able to stop. She felt like she was suffocating and moaned softly into the pillow, still not breathing in.

And then there was a knock on her door.

...

To be continued

Chapter Text

5.

Elliot had knocked on the hotel room door twice now. He was worried about his partner, and now that she wasn't answering the door, his concern grew.

"Liv?" he called out. "It's Elliot."

Still nothing.

He knocked again, a little louder than the first time.

"Olivia?"

Part of him hoped that she was simply sleeping, but a much bigger part of him knew better. What he didn't know was, whether it would be best to leave her alone for now or not. He decided to call her on her phone, to see if she'd answer. Maybe that would give him a clue. He could hear her ringtone through the door and then finally heard movement in the room. Much to his surprise, Olivia answered his call.

"Yes?"

The brokenness in her voice hit him square in the gut.

"Liv. It's me."

All he could hear for several seconds was her breathing. He knew it should reassure him that she was, in fact, still breathing, but there was something very wrong. She wasn't breathing deeply enough and he feared that she was starting to hyperventilate.

"Please. Just open the door," he said softly, making an effort to sound gentle and not threatening in any way. "Liv, let me help you."

He wasn't sure if he was saying the right things. She wasn't one to want help, let alone admit that she needed it. But he couldn't break down her door and barge in. Not now. Not while she was so vulnerable. She probably didn't want him to see her like this at all, but he had to try. She didn't have to suffer alone, but knowing her, she would want to. Anything not to be a burden to anyone else. She didn't know that she could never be a burden to him but he knew that he wouldn't be able to convince her of anything with a closed door still between them. He needed to see her, to look into her eyes and connect with her before he could do anything meaningful for her. If he had to manipulate her just a little to achieve that goal, he would, and he knew then what he had to say.

"I need to see you, Liv. To see for myself that you're coping. I won't sleep until I do."

He could hear her try to take a deeper breath and he leaned against the door with his forearm, frowning, listening intently to any sound she might make. He jumped when he suddenly heard her at the door.

"Okay," she said quietly and then she was already unlocking the hotel room door.

Elliot quickly shoved his phone in his pocket and picked up the bag he'd brought. He wanted to rush inside before she could change her mind but he deliberately moved slowly, ignoring all his own urges and focusing on Olivia's needs instead. He stepped into the room and then stopped to look at her, setting the bag down. He took a small step to the side when she moved to close the door and watched her movements. They were mechanical and she was avoiding looking at him. As soon as the door was closed, she turned around and walked away from him, towards the hotel bed. She stopped next to the bed and sighed. She was still not breathing completely normally and Elliot wished she would just look at him once, so he would know if it was safe to approach her. Safe for her, that was. He didn't want to upset her any further.

"I can't really help you," she said, her voice darker than he had expected. And her words surprised him too. How had he asked her for help?

She finally turned around then and all the air left his lungs for a few moments when he saw her face. She was pale except for her eyes, which were red-rimmed. He knew she hadn't been crying because Olivia didn't cry; not for herself anyway. She was still keeping it all inside. The bruises on her face and the injury on her forehead stood out starkly against her pale skin and she looked like a ghost; a ghost of herself, so empty that it broke his heart.

"You see, I'm not coping."

Her words reminded him of his own plea from behind the door, the words he'd used to get her to open it. He needed to see that she was coping. To hear her say she wasn't coping, to not hear her say she was fine as usual, brought him to his knees in a way he hadn't seen coming.

Olivia registered his pain and closed her eyes. He swore he could see her chin trembling then and he felt guilty instantly. He hadn't come here to ask anything of her but Olivia would still feel responsible for his well-being, even now.

"Olivia."

His voice was a mere whisper but he knew she was listening. She was already beginning to shake her head. He wanted to walk up to her and make physical contact with her in some way, but it wasn't what they did. Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed and Elliot wondered if it would be inappropriate to sit down next to her. She was only a few yards away from him but it felt like miles. He searched his mind for the right words to possibly bridge the distance.

"What do you need?" he asked her after a beat.

Olivia shrugged. She had no idea and he didn't know what to do with her in this state.

"Then why did you let me in?"

Her eyes flicked up to his then and he saw a flash in them that reminded him of the Olivia he knew so well.

"You asked me to."

Her words held something resembling an accusation.

"I didn't think you should be alone right now," Elliot explained.

Olivia remained silent, and it looked like she was barely listening to him. She was focusing on her breathing, finally regaining full control over it. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Was she pushing everything back down, bottling it up again? Was she doing it for his benefit? And what could possibly knock her off balance this much? He approached her slowly and decided to sit with her. He left a respectable distance between them of almost two feet and he saw her glance next to her briefly - checking how far away he was.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said quietly, and then he waited.

Olivia didn't say anything. She was fidgeting with the hem of her sweatshirt and Elliot looked at her more attentively. It wasn't cold, either outside or inside the hotel room, but she seemed to be wearing several layers of clothing. He'd seen it before. Survivors of assault often dressed like that, too, to cover their body up as much as possible; to shield it from new attacks. His chest constricted. She had told him she hadn't been raped. She'd been adamant about it. Then he realized that she didn't need to be raped to feel violated. She had been violated. Attacked in her own home, where she was supposed to be safe. Bound, gagged and tortured. Humiliated.

"This is not on you, Liv."

She blinked fast a few times and he knew he'd struck a nerve. Did she really think it was somehow her fault what Lewis had done? And what had he done to reduce the fierce Detective to this shadow of her former self so quickly?

"What did he do to you, Olivia?"

He had spoken quietly like before but Olivia sat up straight instantly, finding some inner strength to repeat to him,

"He didn't rape me, El! I told you that!"

Elliot chewed on his lower lip, staring at his shaky partner, who had glared at him briefly but was now staring in the distance.

"I know that," he acknowledged. "But he did something to make you like this."

He gestured at her, knowing she'd register his every move even without looking at him.

"Did he mess with your head?"

Olivia bowed her head and he saw her pull her lower lip between her teeth. That was his answer. Lewis must have said something to make her like this. But what? What could possible topple Olivia Benson in just a couple of hours and make her crash and burn like she seemed to be? The beast had hurt her physically but Olivia could take that. He must have done something to her mind as well. It was the only explanation.

Still, Olivia didn't speak. She didn't give him anything to work with and in the end, he decided that trying to make her talk before she was ready wasn't going to work. He had known that but somehow he must have hoped she'd at least give him something. But it seemed as if she wasn't just giving him nothing, but there actually was nothing there anymore. She seemed so empty that it scared him. Leaving her alone wasn't an option anymore. Not when she was like this. If he was completely honest with himself, he wasn't even sure if she would reach a point where she would want to harm herself. The thought shocked him, but so had Olivia's demeanor.

He stood up, careful not to startle her, and walked back to the door, to the bag he'd left there.

"Have you eaten anything?" he asked.

"No."

Her relief that he had changed the subject was palpable and she was watching him now as he picked up the bag and set it on the foot of the bed.

"I had brought a few things when I came over to your place," he explained, and Olivia's interest seemed to be piqued.

Elliot pulled out a six pack of beer with a half smile. Olivia didn't return his smile but seemed interested in the beverage. He uncapped one of the bottles and handed it to her. He then pulled a bag of crisps and a bag of popcorn out of the bag.

"Which one?" he asked her.

She shrugged, again.

"You choose," she said quietly before taking a sip of her beer. "I'm not really hungry."

Olivia scooted back on the bed until she was leaning against the headboard and Elliot wondered if he was supposed to join her. She seemed so lifeless that he wasn't sure about anything right now. He stared at her for a few moments, still standing at the foot of the bed, and she finally lifted her eyes to meet his.

"I'm sorry I'm such lousy company. Feel free to leave at any moment. I'll understand."

Her words finally propelled him into action and he joined her on the bed, sitting to her left and placing the bag of crisps between them.

"I'm not leaving."

His tone had been decisive and Olivia raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"You're planning to spend the night with me?"

"If I have to, yes," Elliot stated, in a tone that left no room for argument or a double entendre.

"Why?" Olivia asked and he stared at her for a few moments. Was she being serious?

"I'm your partner. For better or worse, remember?"

Olivia swallowed visibly while averting her eyes once more. If Elliot hadn't realized that something was devastatingly wrong with her, he knew for certain when he heard her next words.

"Maybe you should find yourself a new partner."

…

To be continued

Chapter Text

6.

"Maybe you should find yourself a new partner."

Olivia couldn't look at him now.

She'd heard his breath hitch at her words and he was temporarily stunned into silence. He didn't know yet. He hadn't seen it yet. And she wasn't ready for him to see. Not him. Not her partner. Not the man who had been counting on her for fourteen years to have his back. Not the man she … She didn't allow herself to finish that thought. There was a big mess inside her head already. No need to add any more to it.

She was a fraud. A fake. Everything she had accomplished was just a facade to hide who and what she truly was. She was damaged goods. It wasn't safe to rely on her for backup. It had never been safe, no matter how hard she'd tried. A couple of hours with someone who could see right through her and she was shattering. It was proof that it had all just been an act. But how could she make him understand that? He still believed in the facade and she was afraid to show him what was behind it. What Lewis had seen.

...

Flashback

"I see you."

"You're broken."

"You're a fine actress, I give you that. But deep down … deep down, Olivia, you know the truth. And you're scared to death that they're gonna find out."

He moved the barrel of her gun along the outline of her jaw as if he was caressing her with it.

"So scared."

She still tried to glare at him but she could feel her resistance slip away. He was getting to her. He was hitting too close to the mark.

"I'm not afraid of you," she managed, her voice steadier than she felt.

"You will be," he promised her, his eyes lighting up with evil delight. "Before I'm done with you, you will be so terrified that you'll want to die."

She refused to look at him, at his ever-present triumphant smirk. He was so proud of himself for having gotten his hands on her, almost getting off on that idea alone.

"And maybe that's for the best, isn't it. They'll all be better off without a fraud like you anyway."

...

"Olivia."

She blinked. That wasn't Lewis's taunting voice anymore.

"Liv."

"Yeah."

She tried to shake off the sense of utter helplessness that had washed over her, remembering that she was safe in her hotel room. And Elliot was there. He was looking at her as if he was afraid she would break any second. She looked away. She didn't want him to see her reduced to this trembling mess, lost in her own head and in all the painful truths that had suddenly been set free to overwhelm her. Elliot had no idea what to say or do and it only confirmed her sense of uselessness. Hadn't she just told him he needed to find another partner?

"You could work with Amaro," she managed to say, but her mouth was dry and she could barely form the words. "He … he's like you in a way. It would work."

"I already have a partner."

His voice sounded harsh, almost annoyed and her eyes flicked back to his. He was frowning and he was tense. She shook her head slowly, her eyes dropping to her hands in her lap. Her beer bottle had warmed up in her hands and she realized she'd been holding it tightly. She suddenly held it out to Elliot and asked him for another one. Elliot took the bottle from her hand silently and got up from the bed to get them both a new one. When he sat back down, he didn't sit next to her like before. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed sideways, keeping one foot on the floor and turning his upper body to face her.

"Try to eat something with that."

Elliot's voice was even and somehow that steadied her a little. There was no pity in his eyes now. Lots of questions but no pity, so that was something. She just needed to keep herself together until he'd leave.
But he'd said he would stay all night if he had to. She felt her heart rate go up again instantly. She didn't know how long she would be able to hold it all in. She'd been on the verge of a complete breakdown just moments before he'd knocked on her door. It had taken everything in her to take a breath at all to answer her phone. She had pushed it all down again, but her defenses had been weakened. The dam was going to break sooner or later.

She reached for the bag of crisps and took a few, chewing them dutifully before washing them down with her beer. There. She'd eaten something. Elliot almost cracked a smile but he was still just observing her, almost as if he was waiting for something.

"What?" she finally asked him. His silence was becoming unnerving, and she was unnerving herself enough as it was.

"You're not quitting."

His voice sounded rough, almost demanding. Olivia took a deep breath and tried to breathe out slowly. The air left her lungs but it was more like a huff than a slow breath.

"That's not you, Olivia. You don't quit. You'll get through this. You're a survivor."

Elliot knew about her past. He knew about the abuse she'd suffered as a child and that she was, indeed, a survivor. But what he didn't know was that while she had survived, she was still there some days. Even tonight, she'd been there. She had heard her mother all over again.

...

Flashback

She didn't understand how he could know all of this. Where these words were coming from. Was he a mind reader? Or maybe he was projecting his own experiences. Her eyes kept closing on their own. She felt so drowsy and disoriented. And then she'd jolt upright again because of the pain. Another burn on her chest … no, on her breast this time. The inside of her right breast. She gritted her teeth, determined not to cry out. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Stay with me, sweetheart. You don't want to miss even a minute with me. No more sleeping tonight until we've done it all. Understood?"

She forced her eyes to open and nodded slowly.

"Good girl. Very good. Now, where were we?"

She widened her eyes to keep them open but she felt completely numb all over except for the burns on her chest. Her skin was throbbing where he'd burned her earlier and the latest addition just kept burning and burning, even though he'd already removed the cigarette, casually lighting it again to smoke it.

"Let me guess … it's always the cases with the children that hit the hardest, right? Something about innocence being brutally taken away. You can't let that happen again, can you? Not again. Not like what happened to you."

"You have no idea who you're dealing with," she said, wanting to sound fierce and strong, but what she heard was someone muttering like she was drunk. She probably was.

"Oh, but I do, Olivia. I do. You see, all that stuff about your daddy … I know it's a load of crap. You never even had a daddy. And I'm pretty sure you know why, too."

She tried to focus on his face but she couldn't. Everything was blurry. She felt Lewis's hand then, caressing her hair.

"There there," he whispered and somehow she knew that her eyes had filled with tears. That's why everything was blurry. That's why he was pretending to comfort her now.

"It's alright, Olivia. You're with me now. Nobody wanted you, but I do. I do. See? Finally, somebody wants you. Your father didn't want you. He never even looked back, did he? And your mother? Well, in those days it was so shameful to have a child out of wedlock. And single mothers were shunned by everyone. She must have resented you so much."

This time Olivia closed her eyes because she wanted to. She knew he'd probably burn her again but she couldn't deal with what he was saying. There was no way he could know all of this. Maybe he'd seen her file and he'd seen no father listed but everything else … he was just making it up as he went. But how could he be so right all the time? Was she that easy to read after all?

"You shouldn't even be here!"

"I can't even look at you. You're so like him!"

A lump formed in Olivia's throat. She was back in their apartment, twelve years old, shaking with fear of her mother, who was on one of her drunken rants.

...

"Liv!"

Once again, Elliot's voice pulled her out of her disturbing thoughts and she blinked. Elliot was reaching for her but seemed hesitant to touch her.

"Olivia, can I …? he asked her.

She wanted to say no. They didn't normally touch each other unless it was necessary. But maybe if it made him feel better … and so she nodded. Elliot scooted close to her again, sitting next to her with his back against the headboard like she was and carefully draped his arm behind her. She stayed rigid for a few moments, until his warm hand wrapped around her shoulder and he pulled her into him gently. She gave in then and leaned against him, letting out a long breath at last.

They sat quietly for a while, her head resting lightly against his shoulder, and then Elliot spoke up.

"Liv, I'm not gonna pretend that I know what goes on inside your head but … what you're feeling right now isn't how it's gonna stay. You know that, right? It's all still very fresh but … you're a fighter. You've got this. I know you do. But right now, you're not feeling that and it's okay. Just … just don't make any decisions right now, alright? Give yourself some time to deal with this. With what he said to you."

Olivia stiffened next to him and he wondered once more what Lewis could have said to her that had her so rattled; so beside herself almost.

"Can you tell me about that?" he asked her, making sure his voice stayed calm and composed.

Olivia didn't need his anger right now. Once she was back on her feet, they could be angry together. But right now, he needed to give her space to deal with whatever that fucker had put in her head.

Olivia sighed and closed her eyes, resting her head against his arm for a few moments. Elliot waited, hoping she would be able to tell him something. Anything, at this point. But it didn't look like she was going to tell him anything. She was relaxing a bit though, and that was worth something too. He listened to her breathing, which was now calm and even again, and he wondered if she was falling asleep. He closed his eyes as well, content to just be sitting here with her for the time being. As long as she was resting, she was okay.

Elliot had no idea how much time had passed by when Olivia suddenly spoke up. He opened his eyes to look at her when she told him,

"He can see right through me."

He didn't have to ask who but he wanted to know what she meant. He'd had an idea that Lewis was someone who could read people, but what could he have put in Olivia's head? He was a manipulator for sure. Olivia had baited him in interrogation, but he'd baited her right back. He'd basically given them a detailed account of all the things he'd done to Mrs. Parker, but in a hypothetical way that couldn't be used as a confession. She'd gotten him to talk but he had never made a mistake. He hadn't slipped up once. Elliot had watched her in there with Amaro from behind the two-way mirror, and he knew they could handle it. Olivia would get it all out of him and Amaro would get him pissed off so he'd slip up. But then his lawyer had shown up, and the cocky young woman had dismissed them all.

"He's a manipulator," Elliot told Olivia. "He pushes buttons until he gets a reaction."

"But how does he know which buttons to push?" she asked.

Her voice was too fragile and although he was happy she had been resting, now he wanted her to open her eyes again. He needed to see how she was coping, and only her eyes could tell him that.

"He doesn't, Liv," he told her, hoping she'd look at him. And sure enough, her eyes opened and she turned her head to look at him. "He just pushes a few to see how you react, and takes it from there."

She nodded slowly and he was glad that he was making sense. But he hoped she would continue talking so he prodded,

"Which buttons did he push that got a reaction from you?"

Olivia scoffed, and it was the first real reaction he'd gotten from her since he'd entered her hotel room.

"All of them."

Elliot rubbed her shoulder while focusing on staying calm. No anger tonight, just support.

"Can you tell me about that?"

Olivia shook her head again, like she'd done several times now. It was as if she was shaking her head at herself, telling herself she's screwed up somehow; rejecting herself.

"Why did you tell me to get a new partner?" he asked.

"Because I'm damaged goods."

Elliot frowned at her answer, but then shrugged and chuckled.

"So? Aren't we all?"

...

To be continued

Chapter Text

7.

Olivia wanted to think he had a point. In a sense, everyone was a little broken. But was everyone putting on a show like she had been doing? She'd been hiding her whole life. At home, where she'd been hiding from her mother's angry and sometimes violent outbursts; at school, where no one was to know about her mother's drinking and no one could see her bruises; she'd kept to herself in college and then she had finally found the perfect hiding place: a police uniform. When she was wearing that uniform, and later her Detective badge, she was someone. She belonged. She mattered. But without it?

Lewis had stripped her of everything that she'd identified with, digging through her defensive layers until he'd exposed her completely and she'd been left with her one true identity: her mother's child. He had been more skillful than the best-trained psychiatrist could have been; more precise than the world's best brain surgeon. He'd gotten to her and she had a very hard time coming back from that.

"Hey," Elliot said and her eyes flicked back to his. "You may be damaged, but that doesn't mean you're worthless. Your own words, Liv. You've said things like that to so many others over the years but they're true for you too."

She nodded slowly, absently. That was the theory.

"So we come from screwed-up families. But we got away from that," Elliot added.

"Did we?"

She could feel her partner holding back. His restraint was almost tangible. It wasn't her goal to upset him or make him angry and she shook her head, again.

"I don't know about me, but I know you did," Elliot said, and she wanted to believe him.

She wanted to feel that conviction she heard in his voice. But she just couldn't. Not after she'd been exposed so completely. She'd been back in the past, undergoing her mother's rejection day in and day out. For all the defenses she'd pulled up, all the ways she'd hardened herself over the years and forced herself to work for others; for all the good she'd tried to do to prove to herself and the world that she did deserve to be here, ultimately she had failed to heal herself. Lewis had seen who she really was deep down. She was still that frightened child and everything she'd built up over the years had not helped that child heal. All she had done was build a high, thick wall around her.

Your whole life is a lie.

He had laughed at her. Called her a fake cop. He had seen a trembling child, hiding deep inside of her; hiding from the world so nobody would ever see her.

"Liv. Look at me."

Olivia forced herself to meet Elliot's eyes again. In the end, she hadn't even allowed Elliot to see her. Not really. Not everything.

"You are one of the strongest people I know. You've overcome so much. And I know you will overcome this as well."

His faith in her was unwavering but she had to wonder if it was justified.

"Maybe I haven't even begun to overcome anything," she said somberly.

Elliot was silent for a minute, but just when she began to wonder if he was going to say anything else, he asked her,

"What makes you say that, Liv? What did he say to you that makes you doubt everything you've accomplished?"

It's all an act. Once they see what you really are, why would anyone ever put their faith in you again?

Lewis's voice continued to drone in her head, almost drowning out Elliot's voice completely. She felt foggy but was afraid to try to sleep. Each time she closed her eyes, she saw his face; she saw the maniacal look in his eyes; and she felt what she had felt all over again. She felt exposed. Naked. Vulnerable. Ashamed. And she didn't know how to cover herself up again.

"Liv, you're shaking," Elliot said softly.

Olivia pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her knees, trapping the pillow against her stomach that she'd still been clutching. It pushed against the burns on her stomach and chest but in a way, it felt good to feel the pain. At least she felt something other than shame for a few moments.

"I'm just cold," she lied, knowing full well that Elliot wouldn't believe her.

"Why don't you get under the covers?"

Elliot got up from the bed and started to pull the comforter down a little. Olivia felt her heart rate go up instantly. She wasn't going to lie down. She had to stay upright; ready to fight or to flee. She shook her head but she wondered if Elliot could even see the movement, since she was now shaking all over.

"No," she said, clenching her teeth to keep them from chattering.

Elliot stilled and looked at her for a few moments. She supposed he didn't know what to do with her and she couldn't blame him.

"Olivia," Elliot said, and she thought he was insisting she get under the covers.

"No!" she said more forcefully now and the moment she did so, she registered the surprise on Elliot's face. He put his hands up, palms out. Olivia tried to stop the shaking of her body but she couldn't. Her breath hitched and the look in Elliot's eyes instantly changed from surprise back to concern.

"What do you need?" he asked her, his voice gentle again.

But she didn't know. All she wanted was to simply not exist for a while. To sleep without dreaming, but she was afraid to close her eyes. She felt like everything she'd try to make of her life had been ripped away and she was walking on quicksand. What she needed was something to hold on to. Solid ground beneath her feet. She didn't want to feel like she was suffocating or drowning anymore.

…

Elliot was quickly running out of ways to try and reach his partner. He thought he was getting somewhere, getting her to eat something and getting her to talk, but she seemed to be shutting down again. She seemed lost at sea and his heart was aching for her. What could he do? How could he throw her a lifeline? What did she need? Why was she suddenly doubting herself so much? She had come so far; had grown so much and had become such an enormous force for good after what she'd endured as a child, and what she had found out about her ancestry. What had that bastard done to her to make her question everything about the life she had built for herself?

He could tell that she couldn't formulate an answer to his question. She couldn't tell him what she needed so he would need to decide for her. She didn't want to lie down and he took that to mean she wanted to stay on guard. She was unable to relax. And while she was trying to keep up a strong front, he knew she was more vulnerable now than he'd ever seen her before. He would have to choose his words and actions carefully. She needed a lifeline; something to grab hold of so he could pull her back to shore.

She had been that lifeline for him so many times. The way she understood him and the way they could act as one while they were on the job, was what was keeping him in this unit. It made all the depravity they dealt with on a daily basis bearable, because together, they could make a difference. He'd been adrift when she left and his entire being hadn't been able to relax until she finally returned to be his partner once again. She had been his anchor after he'd shot Jenna. Without her, he surely would have put his papers in that day. How could someone as supportive and wonderful like that doubt herself so deeply now?

"I need you, Olivia."

He'd spoken the words without really thinking about it. She couldn't tell him what she needed, but he knew what he needed. They were both staring at each other after his words, both a little shocked. But the surprise in her eyes quickly gave way to a question. Why?

And suddenly the words came easily to him. Maybe this was the lifeline she needed. Maybe he needed to tell her what she meant to him. He knelt next to the bed and rested his elbows on the mattress, bringing himself at eye level with her and waiting until she made eye contact once more before he spoke again.

"Whenever things get too much, you're there for me. You got me through so many hard times, Liv. I guess you don't even realize it half the time."

He took a breath, hoping he was on the right track.

"But you make me a better man and a better cop," he continued. "You ground me, Liv. And I hope I can do the same for you."

He could tell that he had gotten her attention. His last words seem to strike a cord with her. And so he continued, remembering the evening they'd had.

"You know I wanted to shoot that bastard in the head, right? You know I wanted to kick his teeth in and break every bone in his body for what he did to you."

Olivia nodded, her wide, unblinking eyes never leaving his. She was listening.

"You grounded me back there, Liv. You were the only reason I was able to do the right thing. You warned me and I didn't execute him. Nobody would have cared that the prick was dead and I had a clear shot … but when I heard your voice … that's when I was able to flip that switch and do the right thing. He was goading me but you grounded me. That's gotta be worth something, right?"

His voice broke on the last word and he held his breath, waiting for Olivia's reaction. Anyone else would think she wasn't reacting at all, but he could see it. He could see the emotion in her eyes and after a few beats, her beautiful brown eyes glossed over. She pulled her lips between her teeth but he could see the slight tremble of her chin.

"You are such an amazing woman, Olivia Benson."

He lifted his hand slowly and reached out, watching her closely for a reaction. When she didn't seem to pull back, he rested his hand on her left knee lightly.

"Whatever he told you, it's a lie."

She swallowed and took a breath to say something. She blinked once, slowly; then she looked at him again. She unclasped her hands that were still wrapped tightly around her legs and put her right hand over his hand on her knee.

"You don't know what he said. You don't know what he saw."

"I don't need to know what he thinks he saw. I know what I see."

He heard the unspoken question in her eyes loud and clear. What do you see? She was looking at him for guidance now; no longer closed off but opening up just a crack, desperate for something to cling to, to keep her afloat.

"Having you in my life has made me a better man, Olivia. And I hope I've added something to your life as well."

"You have," she whispered. Elliot continued boldly, sensing that he was finally connecting with his partner again.

"If our partnership has proven anything, it's that nothing can tear us apart. Not permanently anyway. You and me … we're it, Olivia. For better or worse, remember? We're equal parts in this partnership. It's not complete without you."

Their hands were still resting on Olivia's knee together and he could feel her relax just a little bit at last.

"We did get away from our past, Liv. You are not your parents, just like I'm not my father."

"You've fought so hard not to become like him."

Olivia's voice was soft but not as shaky as it had been.

"Do you think I succeeded?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"You know I still have doubts about that sometimes."

She squeezed his hand then, and moved her other hand underneath his, so she was holding his hand in between her own.

"You are nothing like your father," Olivia insisted.

"You really believe that, don't you?"

She nodded.

"I do."

"Okay. So now I'm telling you that you are nothing like either one of your parents. And you know I really believe that."

He saw a slight tremor at the corner of Olivia's mouth. He couldn't hope for an actual smile just yet, but it was encouraging.

"Maybe you're still scared sometimes, and maybe you still think about the bad times. But that doesn't mean you haven't grown and changed."

Elliot added his other hand to the pile of hands on Olivia's knee and she finally lowered her legs until she was sitting cross legged facing him. Their hands were still tangled together in her lap and she looked down at them, gently rubbing Elliot's thumb with her own.

"You have so much faith in me."

"It's warranted."

"You really believe that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I do. Just like you believe in me."

Olivia looked up into his eyes, opening her mouth to say something, but Elliot cut her off, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Don't tell me that's different. It's exactly the same thing."

She stared at him, almost as if she was trying to look inside his mind, still trying to understand. He could tell that she was gradually allowing herself to be pulled up, but she wasn't there yet.

"I don't expect you to be back to normal tomorrow, Liv. I know it will take time to deal with what you were put through tonight. You don't have to be strong for me. You're always strong for everybody else. Just let me be strong for you this time, alright?"

She tilted her head, processing what he had said.

"Just humor me, Liv."

One corner of her mouth tugged up a bit again and he smiled at her.

"For me?"

He knew he was manipulating her a little, throwing in some puppy eyes for good measure but he was just so relieved that he was finally getting through to her. His face lit up when she nodded and whispered a soft 'okay' and he wished he could hug her right now. He didn't though. They rarely hugged and this wasn't the time to startle her with something so unusual. He saw Olivia's shoulders sag a little and he knew that was actually a good sign. She was relaxing at last. Before he could think of anything else to say, she sighed,

"I'm so tired."

Elliot wondered if she was ready to lie down now but he wasn't sure if he should suggest it again. Instead, he promised her,

"I'm not going anywhere, Liv. I'll stand guard all night if I have to."

...

Olivia nodded, looking down at their joined hands again.

"You're really serious about this whole 'being the strong one', aren't you?" she asked him.

"Yes, I am," he confirmed, a small smile playing on his lips.

She took a deep breath and she knew it was the first deep breath she'd taken all night since she got to this hotel. She blew it out and lifted her eyes to meet Elliot's eyes again. She wanted to relax in his presence. If there was anyone left in the world that she trusted not to hurt her, it was him. But what if he would finally see the state she was truly in? Would he pull away, disappointed?

But he had stirred something inside her when he said that she had been the one to ground him, back when he had his gun aimed at Lewis. She was the one who could reach him when his anger threatened to overtake him, like he was so often the one who could reach her when she took a case too personally. It was what they did. They pulled each other back from the brink. He was trying to pull her back now, too and for the first time since he had arrived at her hotel room, she was glad he was there.

…

To be continued

Chapter Text

8.

"So you're literally going to stand there all night?" she asked her partner, who had walked to her hotel room to check that it was properly locked, and was now leaning against the wall next to the door. How serious was he exactly about standing guard?

Elliot shrugged.

"Whatever helps you sleep, Liv."

"I don't know if I want to sleep."

"I dare you to stay awake. Something tells me your painkillers are starting to kick in."

He wasn't wrong. Her eyes were beginning to droop, but the thought of losing control of her own senses - again - made her anxious. She had passed out several times during the hours Lewis had had her, and waking up again had been a regular nightmare each time.

Hey sweetheart. Did you miss me?

There she is. Not so tough now, huh, without your badge and gun.

Lewis had taunted her with her badge and at one point, he had turned on the stove and dumped her badge in her frying pan along with her house key and a coat hanger, that he'd bent completely out of shape first. She had remembered the crime scene photos of Mrs. Parker's apartment and ...

"Do you think you could just lie down, see how it goes?" Elliot asked her, and she startled out of her disturbing memories.

Olivia could see Elliot visibly bracing himself for her reaction. For her rejection. It was painful to see. Was she really that difficult? She felt a lump forming unexpectedly in her throat and almost panicked. She couldn't have that again. She wasn't going to cry. She swallowed, hoping the emotion behind that lump would dissolve for now, and nodded. Maybe lying down wasn't such a bad idea. Her body was exhausted. She would just rest but stay awake.

"Just talk to me for a while?" she asked Elliot while scooting under the covers.

Elliot approached the bed again and took the extra pillow she'd been clutching from her hands. He sat down on the foot of the bed and put the pillow in his lap.

"About what?"

"Anything. Normal things. Tell me about Eli. Is he going to school yet?"

Elliot smiled and Olivia tried to relax while he started telling her about his youngest child. Eli was five already. The day of his birth was ingrained in her memory forever and it was hard to believe that the tiny, squirming baby she'd held against her chest in that ambulance, was already riding a bike and playing soccer with his friends in the playground of his school. She thought of the boy with the blonde curls and the bright blue Stabler eyes and when her eyes drooped closed, she envisioned him laughing and having fun. It was a nice image to relax to, to watch innocent children play. She could almost hear the cheerful playground sounds, as if they were right outside her window.

Olivia imagined walking across the playground, smiling as the sun warmed her face. This was what a childhood was supposed to be. At this age, she had been innocent too, not even fully aware yet that not all mothers were as angry as her own. She watched the children play for a while but then felt as if a dark shadow was cast over the scene. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end instantly and she was aware of his presence even before she heard his voice.

"You were broken even then, Olivia. You've always been broken."

Her eyes shifted to a young girl, maybe four years old, who was sitting against the wall of the school all alone, watching the other children play. She knew who that child was. Her arm was in a sling. She remembered. It hadn't been that she didn't want to play, or even that she wasn't welcome to join in. But she often had these injuries that kept her from being carefree like the other children. Because she was so clumsy, so her mother had told the teacher.

And then suddenly, Lewis was there. He stepped into view from behind her, gun in hand, and walked up to the younger version of herself. Olivia wanted to stop him but she found herself frozen in place, unable to move or do anything. She wanted to shout No but her voice wouldn't cooperate. It was as if she wasn't really there, but she was just watching a movie. All she could do was watch how Lewis grabbed the little girl by her good arm and yanked her to her feet.

…

She had fallen asleep.

Elliot watched his partner for a while. Her breathing had finally evened out and she was lying on her right side. Her mouth was slightly open, her right hand was resting on the pillow while her left arm was almost dropping off the mattress. He wanted to lie down and rest a little too, but it didn't feel right to join Olivia on the bed. He stood up and was careful not to make any noise while he toed off his shoes and grabbed an extra blanket from the closet. He draped it on the floor next to Olivia - as close to her as he could be without being on the bed. He used the extra pillow and hoped he wouldn't cool off too much without any covers. He was still wearing the same suit pants he'd worn to work the previous day, there had been no opportunity to change. He had been eager to see the kids after work. When he returned to Manhattan, he had been eager to get to Olivia's and after freeing her, he had been even more eager to make sure Olivia was safe at the hotel, to get his chat with IAB over and done with and then to get back to Olivia. All he had done was switch his bloodstained jacket for an NYPD sweater before heading to IAB.

He lay down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to Olivia's breathing. He had a hard time getting the images out of his head of her, duct-taped to a chair and severely beaten and burned, and he knew it had to be a thousand times worse for her. She had been at the mercy of this maniac and that wasn't going to sit well with her. It was a miracle that she was able to relax enough to fall asleep at all. Based on his training and experience, he knew that the worst was yet to come. Gradually, things would start to sink in. That's why he hoped she would get as much sleep as possible now, before the sleepless nights would begin. He could only hope she would allow him to be there for her then, like she had allowed him to stay tonight.

When he finally managed to relax a little bit, he was suddenly on high alert again when he heard Olivia groan. He opened his eyes and looked to his left where he could see her arm on the edge of the mattress, waiting for any further movement on the bed. Olivia groaned again, and he heard a muffled 'no' fall from her lips. She was dreaming. Elliot wondered if he should try to wake her up but decided to wait for a minute to see if maybe she'd settle down again, because she really needed the sleep. But then she groaned again and her breathing picked up.

…

The serene scene on the playground had turned into a horror movie. The little girl was crying but Olivia couldn't hear her. All she could hear was her own heartbeat ringing in her ears while the scene before her unfolded. The other children continued to play as if nothing was wrong and even the teachers looked the other way.

"It's always been like this, hasn't it?"

Lewis's voice seemed to be coming from all around her and the words he'd spoken to her back in her apartment haunted her.

"Nobody ever really saw you, did they? So why even show yourself at all anymore, right?"

"But I see you, Olivia. I see you … You wanna be this big, strong police officer, but deep down, you're still just a scared little girl."

Lewis was caressing the girl's cheek with his gun now, tracing the outline of her face until he pushed the barrel under her jaw.

"Nobody ever came to save you …"

Olivia reached out again, trying desperately to walk up to them but she felt like she was walking through quicksand. She wanted to yell and kick and scream but she couldn't. She couldn't save the little girl. She couldn't save herself …

…

Olivia let out a strangled sob and Elliot was on his feet now. She wasn't going to settle back down but he wasn't sure how he should wake her up. He didn't want to startle her by touching her but when he sat down next to her, his hand found her shoulder almost automatically. He could feel how hot and clammy she was through several layers of clothing.

She jerked against his touch and Elliot quickly retracted his hand, calling her name instead.

"Liv. Olivia … wake up. You're having a bad dream."

"You think this is just a bad dream, don't you? But maybe this is more real than anything you've ever done …"

"Hey, it's okay … it's okay. You're safe now."

"You think you're safe now? But you know, I'll be in your head forever."

"Wake up, Liv, please …"

"I am an agent of change, nailed to the trajectory of people's lives. They might have hopes and dreams before they meet me, but then ... Then they run into me, life as they knew it is gone."

Lewis laughed then, an evil glimmer in his eye as he pushed the barrel more firmly against the little girl's neck. The panic in the girl's eyes was evident and she was looking straight at her. Lewis's voice was cold when he added,

"Maybe that's for the best in your case."

And then he pulled the trigger.

Olivia shot up and let out a blood curdling scream that ripped Elliot's heart in half. She almost sounded like a wounded animal and he had wrapped his arms around her before he could even think about it. Olivia was wheezing, clutching his sweater with both hands but she was clearly not awake and in the present yet.

"No, no, no," she cried, the first tears making their way down her heated cheeks, and her shoulders shook when she dropped her head into her hands.

She wasn't pushing him away and Elliot rubbed her back gently with one hand, hoping to coax her back to the present. Olivia was inconsolable and he'd never seen her like this in his life. He knew she had her demons just like him, but she never fully let go. He had only seen her really go off on a perp once, and that was during that whole mess with Simon. She had finally found a living relative and it was all going to hell. But even then, she had been nothing like this. He had never seen her cry before. She was sobbing and crying as if her life depended on it, gasping for air from time to time, but there was no stopping it now that the floodgates had opened. After a few minutes he actually became worried that she was going to choke on her own grief. Her sobs were growing more muffled and she gasped for air more frequently through her mouth, her nose already completely congested by now.

"Liv … Olivia," Elliot coaxed, trying to sound soothing, but even he could hear the growing concern in his own voice.

Olivia hiccuped, making a feeble attempt to stop crying but when she stopped breathing for a few moments, holding her breath, Elliot panicked.

"Olivia, breathe!" he said loudly.

He knew he was startling her but at this point he didn't care. She had to keep breathing. Olivia let out a soft wail as she exhaled and lifted her reddened, puffy eyes to his for a moment. Elliot felt like crying with her when he saw the grief-stricken look in her eyes. She was pleading for help without saying the words and without hesitation, Elliot pulled her against him, cradling her head and pressing his cheek against hers.

"I've got you Liv. I've got you," he whispered a few times. "I'm here."

Hesitantly, Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist but once she was holding on to him, he knew she wasn't about to let go. She was clutching him now, holding onto him for dear life, not crying as loudly as before and somehow, her quiet grief cut him even more deeply. Her breaths came out in hot puffs of air against his neck and she let out soft sounds of agony each time. Her body was trembling and her shoulders were still shaking but after what seemed like hours, she finally spoke.

"He killed her."

Elliot wasn't sure he'd understood her correctly but before he could ask, he whispered again,

"He killed her. And it was me."

"What? Who? Olivia, who are you talking about? Who did he kill?"

...

She knew it had been a dream. She knew that now. She was in a hotel room and her partner was there. Lewis was in a hospital or maybe he was already in jail. He wasn't there and he hadn't shot the little girl. Her past self … And yet she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he had. Or maybe he might as well have. All of her pain from the past had bubbled to the surface. He'd brought it all back and she was drowning in it. She had fought so hard to overcome her upbringing and her disturbing ancestry but had she, really? Had she overcome anything if the pain could still swallow her whole like it was doing now?

When the gunshot had rung in her dream, she had felt it. It had been as if she herself had gotten shot, even if she saw the little girl sink down to the ground, her blood splattered all over the wall behind her. She knew it had been Lewis's end game. He was always going to kill her. She just couldn't wrap her mind around what she had just experienced. Wasn't she supposed to feel dead inside now? But she didn't feel dead inside. There was this excruciating pain that almost made her panic as she tried to claw her way back up to the surface.

She was clinging to Elliot desperately, begging him wordlessly not to let go of her. She barely recognized herself in this state but all she could think was that she couldn't let herself drown. She had to fight.

"I wanna live."

The words were coming from a deep place inside her, having been buried under so many layers of shame and doubt and pain, that they had never seen the light of day before.

Elliot was saying something and she repeated on a gasp,

"I wanna live."

...

Chapter Text

9.

To say he was stunned was an understatement.

Just when he thought he had never seen Olivia this broken and vulnerable, she added another element to the anguish she was exuding. He had been very concerned that she would wall herself up again too quickly after her ordeal. She never let anyone truly see her and he knew she wouldn't want anyone to see her pain. She would want to carry it all by herself. He knew, because he was the same way and he had recognized himself in the way Olivia carried herself from the beginning of their partnership.

But instead of rebuilding her defensive walls as quickly as she could, it seemed she was pouring herself out now. Now that she was allowing herself to cry, the dam had broken and there was no way back. And her desperate cry cut him to the core.

I want to live.

He knew it meant more than just staying alive physically. He could feel it. Something had triggered her - Lewis had triggered her - and this was what it boiled down to. She wanted to live. Truly live. And she deserved it, so much. He held her close to him, allowing a few tears of his own to spill into her hair. If anyone deserved the world, it was Olivia. She had been denied so much, and in turn had denied herself too much. She felt like she didn't deserve anything because she was only here because a crime was committed. And no matter how many others she had tried to convince over the years that what happened to them wasn't their fault, she still carried all that guilt on her own shoulders; guilt over something that wasn't her fault either.

Olivia's sniffling finally subsided, probably from pure exhaustion, and Elliot lifted his head to look at her. Her face was white as a sheet except for the bruises and the gash on her forehead, and her eyes were puffy and red. She could barely keep them open. She started stammering an apology but he silenced her immediately, shaking his head.

"Don't apologize, Liv. Never apologize. It's okay."

She bit her lip and retracted her arms from around him, dropping them in her lap, but she didn't move away from him and didn't seem to mind that his hand was still resting lightly on her hip. He used the hand that had been cradling her head to cover her hands and she looked at their joined hands. She was finally breathing somewhat normally again and Elliot wanted to ask her about her dream. He killed her, she'd said.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" he asked her after a brief silence.

Olivia shook her head, still looking down at her hands.

"It wasn't real," she whispered. "It was just a dream."

"Okay."

He didn't want to push her but he wasn't sure what he could say to stop her from closing up again. And then she spoke again.

"I was just a little girl in the dream."

Elliot closed his eyes for a moment. He'd often wondered about Olivia's life when she was just a child. She had only ever told him bits and pieces about it but he knew only too well what it was like to grow up with a frustrated, violent parent. He had hardened himself, vowing never to become his father and Olivia had hardened herself by becoming a fighter for little girls like herself and women like her mother. But she must have been a vulnerable child once. Could Lewis really have gone there? Could he really have gotten to the very core of her issues in a matter of hours? No wonder she had said he'd pushed all of her buttons.

"Tell me," he said softly when Olivia didn't continue.

She sighed and pulled one of her hands from underneath his to swipe away a stray tear.

"I couldn't save her."

"In the dream?"

"Yes."

"But in reality, you did save her."

She lifted her eyes to meet his then and she looked so sad when she asked him,

"Did I? Or did I just hide her away?"

...

Elliot tilted his head and looked at her, studying her, and she wanted to look away. But something in his eyes made her want to know what he'd say; maybe even what he'd see if she let him. He was probing her - actually trying to find an answer to her question.
The despair had subsided for the moment and she was so, so tired. But her cry, wanting to live, still reverberated in her mind. Because had she truly been living until now? Or had she just been surviving? Coping, by helping others? Playing the part of the strong, empathic Detective instead of healing from the inside out? She always recommended to others that they get counseling to get back on their feet after a traumatic experience but when had she actually allowed anyone to touch upon her own trauma? Sure, she had gone into therapy after her undercover stint at Sealview when the flashbacks and PTSD began to interfere with her job, but once she felt she could handle it again, she had stopped going.

"You don't have to hide anymore, Olivia. You don't have to be alone anymore."

Elliot's words would have made her roll her eyes on any other day. It was easy for him to say something like that. He had a big family to go home to at night. But she had been through the wringer tonight, feeling defeated, and right now, these were the words she needed to hear.
For as long as she'd known him, Elliot had been a loyal friend and partner and as much as it scared her to admit it, she needed that right now. She needed someone to lean on, and that someone could only be him. He was still the longest relationship she'd ever had with anyone, not counting the dysfunctional on-and-off relationship she'd had with her mother. He was her beacon in this dark night. Maybe he had always been her beacon.

"Thank you, Elliot," she said simply, and then she found herself yawning unexpectedly.

Elliot asked her if she wanted to lie back down.

"I don't wanna dream again," she admitted.

She saw Elliot hesitate and look away before he told her,

"I'll be right here."

She nodded, appreciating his presence more than she had expected. She suddenly noticed the blanket on the floor and asked him,

"Why were you on the floor?"

Elliot chewed on his lower lip for a second and then told her he hadn't thought it was appropriate to share the bed with her, but she shook her head.

"That's alright. You can't sleep on the floor, Elliot. Just lie down next to me and talk to me some more."

When he seemed a little shocked at her suggestion she couldn't suppress a small smile.

"You said you weren't going anywhere and you do have to sleep. And I trust you, El."

He was the only man she'd ever trusted without reserve. He would never cross a line with her. If he were that kind of a man, he would have crossed the line years ago. He was a man of honor, the complete opposite of his father. He had managed to get away from his past even if he'd inherited his father's temper. He had never used his anger to hurt his wife or children.
As they moved around to get comfortable, Elliot now joining her but refusing to get under the covers with her, her thoughts returned to the lonely little girl in her dream. She had worked hard to make a life for herself, too, but Elliot's words had struck a chord. She was still alone. And that's what Lewis had latched on to. She had no idea how the psychopath had known but he'd gotten to her.

"I've been looking around a bit while you were napping. One robe in the bathroom, one toothbrush. You don't let them stay over, do you?"

She glared at him, unable to speak because of the duct tape over her mouth, but even if she could, she wouldn't say anything. He could go through her things but he wasn't going to get inside her head. Or was he inside her head already?

"Or maybe you go to their place, so you can leave when you're done. Screw 'em and then dump 'em, right? Before they can screw you over. So sad, really. So lonely."

Elliot cleared his throat and Olivia blinked, coming out of her tiny flashback. Elliot seemed uncomfortable. He was lying on his back rigidly, on top of the covers she was under, with just the blanket he'd been sleeping on draped over himself. She wondered if he was really that uncomfortable being in a bed next to her.

"El," she said softly, and she waited until he turned his head to look at her.

They were now side by side, both on their backs, and looking at each other.

"If you want to go home, you can go. Get some actual sleep. Kathy must be wondering where you are."

"Liv, I told you I'm here for the night. Kathy isn't expecting me."

He sounded a little exasperated and Olivia decided to drop the subject. He must have told Kathy he wouldn't be home tonight. Maybe he'd told her they would be working on the Lewis case all night. They lay in silence for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. Olivia was afraid to close her eyes. She didn't want to have a disturbing dream again, and each time she felt her eyes droop, the image of Lewis shooting the little girl popped back in her head. She had felt so exposed by him, by everything he'd said to her. So ashamed. But when she saw her younger self become his victim, a completely new feeling had surfaced.

She wanted that little girl to live. She wanted her to make a fulfilling life for herself and to find her purpose. There had to be more to life than just fighting to stay afloat day in and day out.

Elliot spoke up again and she tried to focus on his words.

"Oliva, what happened to your mother isn't your fault."

"I know that," she responded.

"Your conception was not your fault."

"I know that," she said again, a little softer than the first time.

"Your mother's decision to keep you was not your fault."

She remained silent, repeating the words only in her head now.

"The way you came into the world is not your fault."

"I know," she whispered, tears brimming in her eyes once again. Elliot's words fit seamlessly with her own thoughts and she felt herself crack open just a little further.

"Do you?" Elliot asked and she might have felt attacked if it hadn't been for the softness of his voice. He was getting emotional as well and for some reason, that strengthened her. It made her feel less alone in her struggle.

"Yes."

Because she did know. She knew the facts. But facts and experiences weren't the same thing.

"Then maybe it's time to let go of the guilt now."

Olivia threw an arm over her eyes. She didn't want to start crying again. She was so incredibly tired but her emotions were a jumbled mess. She was certain she wasn't going to fall asleep again but she hoped Elliot would get some rest. And once it got light again, she would send him home, where he belonged.

They had been silent for several minutes when Elliot suddenly declared,

"You know I would have beat up anyone who bothered you when you were little, don't you?"

Olivia found herself actually laughing softly, and she was grateful that Elliot was trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"Yeah, you would. You'd be in the principal's office every other day, probably," she said with a grin, turning her head to look at her nightly companion again.

"You know why, don't you?" His blue eyes found her browns in the semi-lit room. "You know what makes me mad, right?"

"Yeah. Injustice."

"Exactly. And what's been done to you was injustice. You didn't deserve any of it."

He turned on his side, facing her, and stressed, "You do know that, don't you? You never asked to be born. It's not your fault."

"You said that already."

"I need you to start believing it. To start living it. Don't buy into that crap Lewis has been feeding you. You know you've already come a long way. But there's more for you, if you want it."

Olivia turned on her side as well and she studied her partner's face. He'd been a constant in her life for so long and he was always trying to encourage her, but he was getting far more personal now that he'd ever gotten before.

"Why do you try so hard?" she asked him softly, almost whispering, and she didn't need to clarify her question. Elliot knew what she was asking him. Why was he trying so hard for her?

"It's about time someone put you first, Olivia."

She stared at him, trying to understand what he was saying. He was putting her first? But that wasn't his job. He had a family. They should come first for him.

"It's not selfish to take care of yourself," Elliot continued. "You can't just live for everyone else. That's not really living, is it?"

I wanna live.

He was right. She knew he was right. But by his own reasoning, shouldn't he be putting himself first?

...

"So what are you doing here then, El? You're supposed to put yourself first too, right? You should be at home, with your family."

Elliot was silent for a few moments, trying to find the right words to answer her question. Finally he told her,

"Being here … being here is actually putting myself first, Olivia. I want to be here. For you. Being anywhere else tonight would drive me crazy."

Olivia frowned and Elliot could tell that she was confused. He got it. How could putting her first be putting himself first? But it was. He wasn't sure how he could explain that to her, but he knew it was true. He would always be a father to his children but he was at peace with the end of his marriage at last, just like Kathy was. He was putting himself first now, maybe for the first time in his life. He had made a choice. It wasn't any sacrifice on his part to be here for Olivia now. He was exactly where he wanted to be.

He knew she would need time to heal from her ordeal, and maybe even more time to come to terms with everything that animal had stirred up in her. But he would be right there with her, if she'd let him. And from the way she had opened up to him already, he had hope she would be willing to lean on him a little for a while.

"How can being here be putting yourself first, Elliot? That doesn't make sense."

Elliot knew she'd been fighting her fatigue for a while now and she was trying to keep the conversation going to stay awake. He wanted to reach out and touch her cheek, to tell her that it was alright to go to sleep. That he'd be there. He didn't because he didn't want to touch her without permission. So instead, he hoped to convey his reassurance to her with words.

"It makes sense to me, Liv. You wanna know why? You wanna know why I try so hard for you?"

She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He took a deep breath and reached a decision in that moment.

"I love you, Liv."

And just like that, her eyes were wide open again, and Elliot quickly continued, now that he'd gotten the words out.

"Now I … I don't expect you to do anything with that right now, okay? You just focus on yourself for a while. I just … I wanted you to know. So you know why I'm always going to put you first."

"But …"

Elliot cut her off, knowing she would start objecting by bringing up his family again.

"We can talk about me later, Olivia. I know what I'm doing. I'm exactly where I want to be. Just go to sleep for a little while, just until it gets light out again, okay?"

He took a chance and placed his hand between their pillows, palm up.

"Trust me," he whispered.

He saw Olivia's eyes gloss over and she bit her lip. And then she moved her arm until her hand connected with his. He wrapped his fingers around hers and let out a relieved breath.

"I'll be right here," he assured her once more.

Olivia finally closed her eyes.

...

To be continued

Chapter Text

10.

The first thing she'd seen when she had woken up earlier, was him.

She didn't know right away where they were, but for the first few minutes it didn't matter. Elliot was here and he was sleeping, and that meant that they were safe. He wouldn't be sleeping if they weren't. His hand was still wrapped lightly around hers even in his sleep, and after a few minutes she began to remember. They were at a hotel because her apartment was still being processed. Elliot had come back after giving his statement to IAB and had insisted on staying with her through the night.

Olivia appreciated it more than she was willing to admit. She knew that the only reason she had woken up so calmly just now, was the fact that his sleeping face had been the first thing she'd seen. Now that she was waking up more fully the memories were coming back, but for a few minutes, all had been well.
The thought of needing someone like that - of needing Elliot like that - scared her. She had never needed anyone; or so she'd thought. But she hadn't always been alone by choice. She had been alone simply because there hadn't been anyone for her. And so she'd gotten used to it. She had accepted that it was how it was supposed to be. She was on her own.

I've been alone my whole life.

The dream about her younger self being attacked by Lewis had shaken her to the core. He couldn't have her! She had cried out that she wanted to live and the words had taken on a whole new meaning. She didn't just want to stay alive. She wanted to thrive. To really live at last. Never before had she allowed herself that wish, always thinking she had to atone for her existence. By some miracle, Elliot seemed to have understood her desperate cry.

You can't just live for everyone else. That's not really living, is it?

He was right. In the end, it wasn't. No matter how gratifying it was to get justice for other people, to help them find closure and to get them on a road to recovery; no matter how well a life of service fit her; no matter how useful it made her feel; in the end, she wasn't really living her own life. And now, for the first time in her life, she wanted to.

And then her partner - her best friend - had dropped a bomb on her that she'd barely heard detonate because she had been so exhausted. But the words came drifting back to her now. They had made her feel safe in a way she couldn't describe. They had finally allowed her to sleep.

I love you, Liv.

If she didn't know him so well, the words would almost have sounded casual. But neither of them would ever say such a thing without meaning it deeply. He had immediately told her he didn't expect her to do anything with it and she hadn't. She had just basked in the security his words had given her, making her feel safe and allowing her to sleep peacefully for a few hours.

But she was awake now, and her brain was kicking into gear. Surely, he had just meant that he cared for her as a friend. That had to be it. Then again, he'd also said that he was going to put her first from now on.

It's about time someone put you first, Olivia.

Maybe he was right, but it shouldn't be him. He had a family that needed to come first, always. And if Elliot wasn't the one to put her first, she would have to be that person herself.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself.

She had always felt like it was. She didn't really matter. She was just here by accident. Unplanned. Unwanted. It wasn't about her. It was about everyone but her. But once she saw Lewis approach and expose her younger self - not just in her nightmare but during the hours she had been forced to spend with him, something had awoken inside her. She had wanted to save that little girl. She had wanted to save herself from the pain and injustice that had been piled on her, even at such a young age and in all the years after.

I wanna live.

Something had broken deep inside her but she hadn't disintegrated. Instead, something was oozing out of her steadily now, not allowing the cracks to close again. She was finding a will to live that went beyond a need to stay alive. Until now she had always wanted, even needed to stay alive for others. For her partner. For her mother even. And for the victims. She would lay down her life to save a child. She almost had, a few years ago, when she had gotten too close to Gitano, and she knew she would do it again. She had never considered her own life. Until now.

There had to be more to life, even for her, a product of a rape.

Her eyes scanned her partner's relaxed face again. He loved her. She couldn't really fathom it yet. Not the fact that he'd said it out loud, and not the fact that he loved her at all. And yet, part of her had known all along because she fought for him the way he fought for her for the very same reason. She just had a hard time believing anyone could care that much for her. That he could care as much for her as she cared for him.
But here he was. He was here with her because being anywhere else wasn't an option, as he'd put it. He was putting her first and she felt goosebumps form on her arms and her back at that thought. Finally, someone was putting her first and a fresh lump formed in her throat. She remembered how Elliot had told her he would have beaten anyone up who bothered her back in school. He would have stood up for her. He would have seen her. She would have mattered.

It was all she had ever wanted.

...

Elliot found himself in that blissful state between sleeping and waking up, registering nothing but his own breathing yet, until he felt movement against his hand. He closed his hand instinctively, wanting to hold on to whatever he had been holding. He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Olivia's big brown eyes staring back at him. Her eyes were wet and he was instantly fully awake.

"Hey. Are you okay?" he asked, his voice still raspy from sleep.

Olivia swallowed visibly and then took a shaky breath before answering him on a whisper.

"Yeah."

He looked at their hands, still joined between their pillows and Olivia retracted her hand shyly.

"Did you get some sleep?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered again, her voice gaining a little in strength already.

She seemed okay, albeit a little emotional. He guessed she hadn't had another nightmare, or he would have woken up during the night.

"What time is it?" he asked her.

"I have no idea."

She turned her head towards the closed drapes of her hotel room. It looked like it was getting light outside so it had to be early in the morning. Elliot turned on his back. His entire body felt stiff from sleeping in the same position for hours and he stretched his arms above his head. Olivia did the same next to him, only slightly more carefully.

"How are the burns?" he inquired.

"These still burn a little," she admitted, gesturing at her chest. "And this one …"

She put a hand over her bandaged stomach and took a deep breath before blowing it out slowly. He could tell that the bigger burn was still very painful. Olivia had been relieved to learn that it was 'just' a second degree burn, just like a couple of the cigarette burns on her breasts, but it had still caused deeper tissue damage than the others and would take a lot longer to heal. Elliot was glad he'd gotten there when he had, before the freak could cause more damage to Olivia with the glowing coat hanger.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Elliot said. "Is it time yet for your pain meds?"

"I don't know. Probably."

Elliot picked his phone up from the nightstand on 'his' side of the bed. He activated it to check the time and saw that it was almost 6 am. He told her what time it was and Olivia pushed herself up into a sitting position reluctantly. She winced and he wished he could do something for her. But he knew she would want to do this herself. Once she was sitting on the edge of the bed, her feet on the ground, she turned to look at him. She surprised him when she said,

"Thanks for staying, El."

She then stood up and padded to the bathroom to take her medication. Elliot sat up as well and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. After half a minute, Olivia appeared in the doorway of the bathroom and announced that she was going to take a shower. She walked to the closet and grabbed some clean clothes before retreating back into the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

Elliot was relieved that Olivia had gotten some sleep and seemed to be doing alright for now. She had a tough day ahead of her, having to come in to give her statement. It was a little too early to make a breakfast run or order room service, and he inspected the room, looking for something to eat. Last night's crisps wouldn't do and he put away the opened bag for later. He'd also brought some salted crackers the night before and decided to eat a few and wash them away with some bottled water. A real breakfast would have to wait.

When Olivia came out of the bathroom, she had changed into black leggings and a loose-fitting grey long-sleeved shirt. Elliot suspected she was wearing at least another layer of clothing underneath the shirt, but still, she was wearing considerably less layers than before and he took it as a very good sign. He asked how things had gone with her bandage and she told him she had no trouble changing it herself.

"After I got it wet, it came off," she told him.

He made a face and Olivia attempted a smile, but he knew it must have been very painful to peel the bandage off the burn on her stomach. But Olivia was a trooper as always.
He took her place in the bathroom. He hadn't brought a change of clothes but took a quick shower anyway. When he returned to the room he was happy to see Olivia chewing on a couple of the crackers he'd left laying out on the bed, while finishing off the water bottle he had opened earlier.

"You wanna grab a proper breakfast later?" he asked her but Olivia said she wasn't sure she could eat anything else.

"Let's get the statement over with first."

"Okay. Maybe we can get something later then."

Olivia nodded and it would have to do for now.

…

She had given her statement to a Detective from another precinct. Cragen didn't want his own team to have to take her statement and Olivia appreciated it. Still, everyone had already been at work very early, just to see her. It made her feel a little self-conscious. She still felt like she had failed as a cop because she had frozen and hadn't even tried to reach for her gun. And she looked like hell, with stitches on her forehead and several bruises on her face; not exactly a pillar of strenght.

She had kept her report purely factual, making no mention of the mind games Lewis had played with her. He'd milked her initial shock to no end, mocking her abilities as a police officer and stressing how she was hiding all her weaknesses behind her badge and gun, and stressing how she was completely helpless without them. But none of that was going into her file. Just what he'd done to her, as supported by the physical evidence gathered in her apartment and on her body. Everything else was none of anyone's business.

Elliot had been hovering outside the Captain's office the whole time, like she had expected. He had only gone up to his locker to get a change of clothes but he'd been back within minutes. Olivia knew Elliot was off duty until IAB finished their report on the shooting and she wondered briefly what he was planning to do with his time off. Once the Detective left who had taken her statement, Elliot walked into Cragen's office, and their Captain answered her question before she could even ask it.

"Elliot, while you're off duty, you make sure Olivia is comfortable at the hotel, alright? Whatever she needs."

"Yes sir. Goes without saying."

Elliot extended his arm invitingly, motioning to guide Olivia out of the Captain's office. Part of her wanted to rebel because the men were making decisions about her without consulting her, but a bigger part of her just wanted to let it all happen and allow Elliot to be there for her like he had been there for her all night.

She mattered.

She mattered to her squad, she knew that. She nodded at Fin and Munch, her long-time coworkers and friends who would do anything for her. And she knew the newbies, Rollins and Amaro, would have her back too. But most of all, she mattered to Elliot, more than she had dared to think or expect, and she was finally allowing that reality to sink in.

Early on in their partnership, Olivia had learned to trust Elliot. And he had trusted her. They were professionals and partners who were supposed to trust each other and have each others' backs. That's what she had told herself for years.
But a couple of dangerous situations had brought other feelings to the surface, to the point of spilling out, most notably the Gitano case. They had lashed out at each other because that was what they did when emotions ran high; but they had also confessed hidden truths. They hadn't said the actual words. Not like Elliot had during the night, when he had told her out loud that he loved her. But the messages had come across loud and clear. They mattered more to each other than they should.

Olivia had felt like Elliot had rejected those feelings at the time, not wanting to acknowledge them because they were inappropriate. In the process he had rejected her and her feelings for him and she had run away for a while to come to terms with yet another rejection. She had sucked it up, as she always did, and then she had gone back.

after her return, they had repaired the damage together.

I'd give you a kidney.

Not if I gave you mine first.

The mutual trust had been restored and their partnership had survived the separation. Just like his marriage. Again. A fifth child had sealed the deal and once again, Olivia had locked away everything she wasn't supposed to feel for or dare to expect from her partner. That kind of a life wasn't in the stars for her anyway. She was supposed to do it all on her own.

But on the job, she wasn't alone. Her job had given her what life had refused to give her. An identity. A family. And a partner she could trust.
Lewis had seen that and he had gleefully stripped it all away in a matter of hours, exposing the oldest, deepest scars on her soul until she couldn't push all the pain back down anymore. She had never cried as hard as she had last night, and she had never cried for herself like that, ever. And yet, after a grueling evening with a sadistic, murdering rapist who had gotten inside her head in a way nobody else ever had, she was emerging from her ordeal with a new desire to not only live but to thrive. It was a feeling she had never had before. Seeing her younger self fall victim to her tormentor had changed something deep inside her. She had been innocent. It was like Elliot had said, over and over again.

It's not your fault.

She had been innocent. She had not deserved the abuse and the rejection she had grown up with because her own mother couldn't deal with what had been done to her. She had not chosen to be born and now that she was here, she had a right to take up space. She wasn't just collateral damage. She had a right to be here and she was allowed to want to thrive.

"You wanna go grab a bite to eat now?" Elliot asked her as they exited the building.

His hand was lingering on the small of her back and it reminded her of the beginning of their partnership, when such touches were still innocent. They had stopped touching each other casually over the years but something was different now. They were both different. She looked up at him and nodded.

"Okay. But I don't want to be out in public looking like this."

She pulled her jacket tighter around herself and Elliot gave her a small smile. His eyes lingered on the gash on her forehead and for a second, Olivia thought he was going to touch her face. But he didn't and then he told her,

"It's fine. You wanna pick something up on the way back, or order room service at the hotel?"

She shrugged.

"Either is fine with me."

She suddenly felt very tired again and wasn't up to making a decision. Elliot seemed to sense that and decided for her.

"Let's get you back inside. The department is paying for room service anyway. It's the least they can do after what you've been through."

Olivia nodded and when Elliot opened the passenger door of the Sedan for her, she got in. When Elliot joined her in the car, she glanced at him before saying,

"And once we get back to the room, you can tell me what's going on with you and Kathy."

…

To be continued ...

Chapter Text

11.

Elliot wasn't quite sure yet what he was going to tell Olivia. They were waiting for room service to bring up their brunch and Olivia had retreated to use the bathroom and to take her pain medication. He knew she hated the pills but her burns were still very painful. She hadn't allowed him to see the burn on her stomach yet but he knew that while it had been classified as a second degree burn, it was still a pretty deep one as well as an extensive one. It would take a while for the pain to subside and the fact that Olivia was taking the painkillers was enough proof for him that it really hurt.

He had opened the sliding door to the tiny balcony to let some spring air into the room, and had moved the only desk chair in the room to the small table at the window so he could sit there and Olivia could take the single armchair. When she came back into the room she gave him a small smile, seeing how he was preparing for their meal.

"Hope you don't mind," he asked anyway.

"It's fine. Thanks."

She was quiet and he wondered how things had gone, giving her statement. She hadn't said anything about it yet on their way home. He raised an eyebrow when she picked the desk chair but when she gestured at her stomach he got it. It would be easier for her to sit and eat upright and so he plopped down in the armchair. He got back up when their food arrived, tipped the bellhop and then put their food on the table.

"You think you can eat?" he asked her and Olivia nodded.

"Yeah."

She picked up the salmon sandwich she had ordered and took a bite, then looked at her companion.

"So what's going on at home, El?"

Elliot put a couple of fries in his mouth to give himself an extra minute to think about what he would tell Olivia. He hadn't forgotten the state she'd been in the night before and he didn't want to burden her with his problems at all. He was here for her and he knew that as soon as she'd think he needed something, she'd go into mama bear mode again. And he didn't want that from her now. He didn't even need it because he and Kathy were finally at peace with the end of their marriage. They were separating as friends this time, both agreeing that it was the only logical thing to do at this stage in their lives.

He wasn't going to pretend that it was easy, because it wasn't. He missed seeing his kids regularly and would need to get used to making arrangements to see them, again. He would need to go apartment hunting once more but that was just the practical side of it. Most of the emotional process would revolve around the kids. He wasn't going back this time and he needed Olivia to see that so she wouldn't worry about him. She had enough to deal with right now and he was here for her.

"You moved out again?"

It was a simple question but Elliot could hear the meaning behind her words very clearly. She assumed that this would once again be temporary, like it had always been.

"It's different this time," he said.

He could tell she didn't believe him but that mattered less to him right now than it might have under different circumstances. The only thing that mattered now was that Olivia wouldn't start worrying about him.

"If you say so," came her flat reply before she took another bite of her sandwich. It pleased him that she was eating and she must have seen his content smile because she raised an eyebrow when she caught him staring.

"I say so," he said, still smiling. "We both agree this time. Just don't worry about me, alright? I'll be fine."

"So where are you living now?"

"At a motel for the time being. I haven't started looking for a place yet."

"Why not?"

He shrugged.

"Too busy I guess. I don't need much anyway. And I'm not looking for a bachelor pad this time. I'm looking for a real home where I can have the kids over so it's not something I can decide in a lunch break."

Olivia seemed to contemplate his words while she washed her bite away with some juice.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked and he shrugged again.

"Figured there'd be time later. I think I was just getting used to it myself."

They were both silent for a while then, just eating and thinking. Elliot wondered what was going on inside Olivia's head. Was she still thinking about him and his situation, or was her mind already wandering back to what she had endured the night before? He tried not to stare at her in his attempts to read her but she caught him watching her a few times anyway. He could only hope he wasn't making her uncomfortable.

By the time they finished their meal, Olivia asked him what his plans were for the day.

"I don't have any plans, actually. I'm off duty until further notice so …"

"You can't keep hovering over me, El."

He held up his hands and assured her he had no intention of hovering.

"I know, but I do wanna make sure you're handling things. And last night, you clearly told me you weren't."

Olivia frowned but Elliot didn't regret his words. Now was not the time to sugarcoat the truth. She had clearly said that she was not coping and he hadn't forgotten that. She was a master at keeping everything inside but he knew that giving her statement had taken a toll on her. The distraction of the food and their conversation about his situation was fine, but she had a long road ahead of her and it would get worse before it would get better. He knew that was how trauma worked and he wasn't about to let her go through it all alone.

"I'm doing better now," she told him and he had to stop himself from laughing out loud.

Of course she would say that. This was Olivia Benson after all. Elliot just stared at her until Olivia looked away. He didn't have to say anything. She knew how it worked as well as he did; probably better.

"So you just want to sit here all day or?"

She made a helpless gesture with her hands and he couldn't suppress a grin at her words. He knew she was frustrated and it was a sign that the old Olivia was still very much alive and kicking, and that thought made him happy. She was going to get through this. He was sure of it.

"Actually … I was thinking. Since I'm off duty for the time being anyway, maybe you can help me find an apartment. I mean, if you're up for it of course. We can take it one step at a time, and you just tell me when you need to rest or … you know."

He didn't finish his sentence, hoping she'd understand that he meant that she might feel the need to cry from time to time. It wasn't something they did in front of each other but things had changed, fundamentally. The look in her eyes only emphasized that change, because she looked genuinely scared for a second before she looked away.

"We can look on the computer first. Just to see what's out there," he offered quickly and he could sense her relief that he wasn't planning to drag her all over the city.

He suggested a nap while he went to his motel to retrieve his laptop and when he promised he'd be back soon, she seemed to relax. Part of him wanted to touch her, just to assure her that he wasn't going to leave her to fend for herself, but he refrained from reaching out. He didn't want to overstep any boundaries and wasn't assuming that those boundaries had disappeared now that he'd held her while she cried and had told her he loved her. They still hadn't discussed that so for now, he shouldn't assume anything.

Olivia moved in the direction of the bed when he left the room and he decided to take the key so she wouldn't have to get up to let him back in.

…

She wanted to be doing better. She really did but she had to laugh at herself a little bit. Wasn't she the one who always told survivors that it would take time? So did she really expect to be back to her old self within a day?

And that was another thing that occupied her mind constantly now. Her old self. It had been a comfortable, well-worn coat for so long but she wasn't ready to put it back on. She wondered if it would even fit her anymore. And more importantly, did she want to put it back on? Did she want it to fit again?

Something inside of her had begun to stir. Something was changing. Her soul was still calling out to her. I wanna live. It wasn't a desperate cry anymore, like the first time she had uttered those words after her horrible nightmare. Instead, it was becoming a steady drum inside her and while it was a new feeling and sometimes an unsettling feeling because it was so new, she didn't want that drum to stop anymore.

She soon found out that she was in the fight of her life. The fight for her own soul, basically. Her old way of thinking and her old coping mechanisms weren't going to disappear overnight and the immense helplessness she had felt when she had been certain Lewis was going to rape her any minute, haunted her in her dreams. She would wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes crying out, and feeling like a failure again.

But Elliot's faith in her was unwavering. That first day when he'd gone to get his laptop, she had shot up in bed after a disturbing dream to see him checking out apartment listings quietly in the armchair. He'd gotten up and had walked up to her calmly. He had sat down on the bed and had simply held out his hand. He hadn't said anything and had left it up to her whether she wanted him to touch her or not. She had grabbed his hand after a beat and had held on to it while she got her breathing back under control.

She had sent him home that night, or rather, back to his motel room. She felt like she had to be strong and she had to be able to do things on her own. She had regretted her decision soon after because the night was darker when she was alone and Lewis's scornful laughter louder. Elliot had stayed again the third night and although parts of her rebelled against needing someone - anyone - that new, steady drum inside her was telling her something else, using Elliot's words as well as old truths she had always shared with survivors to help them get help.

It's not weak to need other people in your life. You thought you had to do everything alone and you did, for the longest time. But nobody was meant to always be alone. You have a right to a full life. It wasn't your fault. You were innocent. You needed love and support like everyone else but just because it was kept from you, doesn't mean you don't need it anymore. It's not weak. It's human.

And she began to listen to that steady drum, telling her the truths that until now had only ever been meant for everyone else. Everyone but her. And she finally realized how illogical that really was. She had met other children conceived through rape and she valued their lives as much as any other. It was time to start valuing her own life just as much, and having someone around who kept confirming that he valued her life, was healing.

It wasn't that she hadn't known that Elliot cared for her but part of her must have thought that she had to earn his approval by being the best partner to him she could possibly be. And if she ever failed, he would leave her. Or maybe he'd even get killed because she didn't have his back. She didn't even know what would be worse. She didn't know what she'd do if the only person she had ever trusted, would walk out of her life. And that thought made her realize that maybe she had never truly trusted him at all. Up to a point, yes, and far more than anyone else. But she still feared that he might get tired of her one day. That even the longest relationship she'd ever had with a man would come to an end because he didn't want to put up with her anymore.

In the end, she had treated Elliot just like she had treated the rest of the world. She had wanted to prove herself. To prove herself worthy. And now that everything she felt she had done to prove that had been stripped away, Elliot was still here. And her squad was still here, letting her know through the flowers and cards and thoughtful text messages that they still believed in her and still valued her. The world hadn't come to an end and it hadn't tossed her aside.

She wasn't worthless without her badge and gun.

I wanna live.

The little girl inside her was coming out. She was peeking her head around the door of the cell she had been locked up in for so long and she let the sunlight warm her face. And sometimes when Olivia dreamed of that playground again and feared that Lewis would appear once more to kill her younger self, there was a boy standing next to the little girl, ready to protect her.

She woke up crying then, shedding bitter tears for the little girl because there had been nobody to help her back then. The shame of having an alcoholic mother had made her keep everyone at bay and she had hidden her injuries or laughed them away. She had never let anyone come close enough to see her heart, condemning herself from a very young age to a lonely life. How she wished now that someone had seen through her act back then. Perhaps then it wouldn't have taken a psychopath to rip away her protective armor in one go, leaving her exposed with all her flaws and issues. Trust issues. Abandonment issues. Shame. Guilt. And the fear of becoming a monster like her father.

But that little girl had deserved more and that meant that she deserved more as well.

"I'm here," she heard Elliot whisper in her hair as he consoled her once again after a bad dream.

And in those moments, that was enough.

Other times, Olivia was annoyed. Mostly at herself, but as usual, her annoyance would be directed at Elliot.

"It's alright to lean on me for a while," Elliot told her on one such occasion.

They had viewed two apartments in the city Elliot might be interested in and Olivia had taken a nap afterwards because she'd been exhausted. She had once again woken up in a cold sweat after dreaming about Lewis lurking inside an empty apartment.

"That doesn't mean you're weak. In fact, it makes you strong for admitting that you need help every once in a while."

"I'm used to doing things on my own."

"I know. But sometimes … sometimes locking other people out isn't strength. It's actually fear, that makes you want to hide. But hiding your problems won't make you happy. Right?"

"So you're saying that I need you to be happy?"

She knew she was being a little irrational but she didn't feel like weighing her words right now. Elliot sighed but if the past few weeks had shown her anything, it was that Elliot had no plans to walk away from her moods and crying sessions.

"No. No, that's not what I'm saying at all. Olivia, you don't need anyone to make you happy or to make you whole. Well … not anyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"What you need to do is … to finally start loving yourself. To care about yourself. About your own life."

She was blinking fast but listening.

"Remember when you dreamed that Lewis shot your younger self? And you woke up and said you wanted to live?"

She nodded, biting her lip. How could she forget? That little girl had become a permanent resident of her dreams but that very first time, that had been the moment something deep inside her had woken up - and the things Elliot was saying now, were only making that drum beat louder.

In the end, Lewis had been right about several things but there was one thing he was wrong about. Dead wrong. He had expected to decimate her by exposing her and stripping her of her identity. To make her crumble until there was nothing left but the frightened child that still lived deep inside of her. The little girl from the playground who never really belonged. But everything inside her had begun to rebel against that notion and while it was scary as hell, it made her feel alive in a way she didn't think she had ever felt before. For the first time in her life she felt like she actually had a right to live. And not just to live but to be truly alive.

It's not your fault.

The words Elliot had kept repeating were finally sinking in.

That little girl had been innocent. She had been innocent. What had happened to her mother wasn't her fault and she should not have carried the blame and the guilt for it around with her. It had been put on her and that had been wrong. It had shaped her life and her thinking in ways it never should have. It was injustice and injustice enraged her. She finally allowed herself anger over what had been done to her and how it had shaped her life into something - someone - she no longer wanted to be.

And then there was her brand-new therapist. She was relieved to find that she wasn't a special brand of basket case after all. Dr. Lindstrom had experience with people like her and in a strange way, that was a relief. The therapist reminded her of all the good she had accomplished, and told her that despite the way she viewed her own worth, she had come a very, very long way already.

"People who don't really know you, may not even see the difference on the outside Olivia. But you'll know. You'll know that once you're back on your feet and on the job, the strength you exude, the strength that you've always had, will come from deeper within than ever before. You won't just be strong anymore because you feel you have something to prove. You won't have to wear that heavy armor anymore. It will be all you. You will be strong because you've found yourself. And because you can finally love yourself."

...

To be continued (yes, really)

Chapter Text

12.

The first night Olivia woke up with Elliot’s arm wrapped around her waist, she freaked out. In fact, she almost punched him in the face before realizing who he was, and she would have if Elliot hadn’t grabbed her wrist to stop her. He hadn’t held her on purpose. During the night they must have rolled towards each other. He honestly didn’t know and he hoped Olivia would realize that there had been nothing intentional about the way they had ended up in the middle of the bed together. For now, his main concern was making sure she calmed down.

She had insisted on spending her nights by herself again after learning that Lewis would be held without bail until his trial, thinking it would help to know the freak was locked up. But she still had nightmares from time to time, and she had even had a panic attack once during the day. Elliot dropped by every day but after he announced that he was going to go back to work soon, Olivia had had another very bad night. And so he had offered to stay with her again and she had practiced her new skill, accepting help, and had said yes.

Whatever Elliot had expected to wake up to in the middle of the night, it hadn’t been Olivia’s fist. But he also hadn’t expected to find himself this close to her and both facts made his heart race.

“Liv! Stop!” he said, holding her wrist up in the air where he’d caught it until she would recognize him. “It’s me, Elliot.”

He had no idea if he was doing the right thing but he wasn’t about to let her punch him in the face. He just remained on his back so she wouldn’t feel even more threatened, and held her wrist. Olivia tried to pull her arm back and looked at him with wide eyes, until she finally exhaled when her brain registered that she wasn’t in any danger. It was Elliot. He was just too close to her. The moment he let go of her wrist, she shimmied away from him and Elliot moved away from her a bit as well, giving her the space she needed. He turned on his side and watched Olivia as she turned on her back, pulled the covers up to her chin and stared up at the ceiling. The panic in her eyes was abating and now she seemed to be blaming herself for overreacting.

“It’s alright,” he said quietly before she could even think of apologizing. “I get it.”

Olivia scoffed and he knew her scorn was directed at herself, not him.

“Do you? I can’t imagine.”

She was angry with herself and he didn’t want her to be.

“It’s pathetic,” she continued, wallowing in her self-loathing some more and Elliot was trying to think of a way to get her out of her negative spiral. “How am I ever going to go back to work if I start punching anyone who gets too close to me?”

Elliot propped himself up on one elbow and asked her,

“You’re thinking about going back to work already?”

He  figured that four and a half weeks was hardly enough to bounce back from what Olivia had been through. The trauma of being powerless in her own home was bad enough. Some survivors never got over that sense of insecurity completely. But on top of that, she had been in physical pain from her burns for a long time and she was going through a lot of other things which were emotionally draining. He could see she was making progress in small things and she was accepting help more easily than before, but overall, her balance was still very delicate. He knew better than to use that word in front of her but it was the truth. He didn’t consider Olivia to be delicate but the things she was struggling with were so all-consuming at times that any little thing could throw her off kilter again and trigger a disproportionate response.

He was glad she was going to therapy twice a week but it was an intense process, working through her issues, and he really did understand that she was extremely on edge from time to time. And finding herself basically pinned to the bed while waking up had triggered a very understandable reaction from her. He was actually glad that she’d gone into fight mode, because he hadn’t seen that much from her yet since her runin with Lewis.

Olivia gave him a helpless look after he asked her if she was thinking about going back to work, and she admitted that it seemed so far away that it scared her a little. She knew she was going through a process but part of her wished she could rush it so she could go back to some sense of normalcy.

“I promise you you’ll find your way again, Olivia.” he told her.

She sighed.

“What makes you so sure?” she asked, still staring up at the ceiling.

“Because I know you.”

She let her head roll to the side so she could look at him.

“Do you?”

“I do.”

One corner of her mouth tugged up but he could tell she wasn’t convinced.

“Maybe you only know the old me. Or rather, the person who never really showed herself.”

“Nope.”

Elliot made sure she was looking at him when he told her,

“I know you were trying to keep her hidden but I saw her.”

You know everything about me. Even the parts I’d rather forget.

He took a breath, wondering if this was the time or place to tell her. But she needed to know. She deserved to know how amazing he really thought she was.

“I think the moment I saw the little girl in you, that was when I fell for the lioness who was fighting for her.”

He held his breath, waiting for her reaction but Olivia seemed completely frozen. She was staring up at him, her lips slightly parted and her hands still clutching the comforter just below her chin. She blinked slowly, once, but otherwise she remained still. He decided to keep talking, now that he’d gotten this far.

“It took me a while to acknowledge it. I mean, I was married after all.”

He swallowed and chewed on his lip for a moment before adding,

“But you deserve to know. You have to know what you mean to me … and that … whatever you may think of yourself or how you came to be, that I feel blessed to know you and that my world wouldn’t be complete without you in it.”

“Elliot.”

She was still staring at him but he could see several emotions at war with each other in her features. Confusion. Disbelief. Even fear. He sat up when Olivia began to move, pushing herself up into a sitting position. She was managing more easily now, which had to mean the burn on her stomach wasn’t as painful anymore as it had been. But his main focus was on her face. He’d just seen her in fight mode but he was bracing himself for Olivia’s other default mode: flight.

She chose the third option: deflect.

“You can’t leave your family for me.”

He couldn’t help smiling and he shook his head.

“That’s not for you to decide.”

“I don’t want you to! That’s not h…”

Olivia stopped talking mid-sentence and he was suddenly intrigued. She had been about to say something important. Something honest. And he needed to know what it was.

“That’s not what, Liv?”

...

It was Olivia’s turn to shake her head.

This couldn’t be real. She was still beating herself up for overreacting to Elliot’s touch and now this? But she couldn’t finish that sentence Elliot was repeating back to her. She couldn’t admit that that wasn’t how she wanted to get him. Because that would mean admitting that she actually did want to have him, in a different capacity than what he’d been to her so far.

She was trying with all her might to deny what Elliot had just told her. It was too much. She was still learning to acknowledge the fact that she had needs, to allow herself to need anything at all. To give herself space to just be and to accept herself as someone who was worth just as much as everyone else. She wanted to live but having Elliot tell her this … 

It was one of the wishes she had that had been on her mind. To have someone next to her, not just as a partner or friend, although she cherished the few friendships she did have, but someone to share her entire life with. Her whole self . Her therapist had asked her about it once and she had deflected the question, saying she had enough on her plate for now and didn’t need to worry about someone else on top of that.

“Who said anything about worrying?” Dr. Lindstrom asked her, and it confronted her with another one of her old habits: to consider everyone who came near her as someone to take care of. It was never the other way around. She never thought of anyone as possibly being someone to take care of her, too.

“ You've spent so much of your life taking care of others, yet this last week I found myself thinking, all these sessions, you've never mentioned your parents.”

Olivia gave him a faint smile.

“I couldn't help but wonder... When you were a little girl, did someone take care of you?”

Her eyes filled with tears and haltingly, desperate not to cry in the man’s presence, she admitted that she’d always taken care of herself, and of her mother too.

“Aren’t you tired sometimes?” the therapist asked her and she stood up, needing to move so she wouldn’t start to cry after all.

But she was. She was dead tired of always having to be the strong one. But she had no choice. There was nobody there for her. There never had been.

I’ve been alone my whole life.

“Olivia.”

She blinked and looked at Elliot’s outstretched hand.

Maybe not her whole life. When she was working, she wasn’t really alone. Her job had given her a family and although she wasn’t part of Elliot’s family, they sometimes felt like hers a bit as well. But he had always been theirs, not hers. As it should be. She couldn’t take him away from them. She couldn’t take his hand and with it, what he seemed to be offering her.

She shook her head and looked down at her lap.

“You’re gonna go back. You always go back,” she said softly. “As you should.”

She heard Elliot take a breath and she braced herself for his inevitable annoyance.

“I love you, Olivia.”

Her head shot up instantly and her eyes met his in the dimly lit room. There was no annoyance in his eyes or his voice at all, only …

“I left Kathy for me , and she left me for her,” Elliot told her calmly and she could hardly believe this was the same man who had almost exploded at the thought of walking away from his marriage only a few years ago. “We’re not clinging to each other anymore because we feel we’re supposed to, or for the kids. We’ve decided to give ourselves another shot while we’re still relatively young. I just feel that I need to apologize to you for making you wait so long.”

“I wasn’t waiting!” she blurted out with a slight frown.

And she hadn’t been. Not really. Not consciously. She’d just accepted that whatever she had with Elliot or felt for him, simply didn’t leave room for anything else.

“I know you didn’t want to, Olivia. And I guess I didn’t want this either but it’s not like I have much of a choice.”

“There’s always a choice and I … I did everything I could to make sure you …”

“I know, Olivia. I know that you never wanted to get in the way. But guess what? That only made me love and appreciate you more. So no, I had no choice. There was no way around you for me. Ever.”

“How can you just …”

She shook her head once again. He spoke of love so easily. Of loving her , no less. It was as if venturing into the unknown didn’t freak him out at all. Maybe it really didn’t. He was used to commitment, after all. Despite his own past with an abusive father and a mother who was a danger to herself and her family at times, he had been able to open himself up to love and sticking with it. Maybe that came with having an actual family while growing up. She wouldn’t know.

The only thing Olivia had ever truly committed to was fighting for survivors. It was her mission in life to be a voice for the ones who had been silenced and to bring their silencers to justice. Fighting for others was her life and her way of fitting in. But committing herself to another person? Actually opening herself up for someone else? She had opened up to a degree to Elliot, but that had been within the boundaries of their partnership, or so she had convinced herself. It was never going to be anything more than that. She trusted her partner as her partner.

She knew it was more than that but he’d been taken so she had tried to put it out of her mind and be happy with the special bond they had as partners and friends. The mere fact that she was allowing him to sleep next to her when she was having a bad night was proof of how much she truly trusted him. He was seeing her at the lowest point in her life and he was still the partner and friend he had always been. He didn’t treat her with kid gloves and he didn’t make her feel weak or incompetent. She had cried in front of him, something she hadn’t even done in front of her therapist yet. She was learning to be vulnerable with Elliot because it was safe.

Safe.

Wasn’t that what a real, healthy relationship was supposed to be? A safe place. A shelter from the world outside and even the horrors within. A place where they could both truly be themselves.

Elliot hadn’t had that with Kathy, she realized. Not really. Whenever Elliot had needed an outlet for his anger and frustration that came with the job, he had stayed as far away from his family as he could. He didn’t want to bring that world into their lives, he’d say but in the end, if he and Kathy had been each others’ safe haven, each others’ port in the storm - he would have gone to her. Instead, Elliot bottled it all up and the only times he’d actually let some of it out, he would either be alone or with her - his partner.

“Talk to me, Liv,” Elliot said and when she looked into his eyes, she saw that he was getting a little anxious because she was silent.

She chuckled humorlessly, basically laughing at herself. She really didn’t have a clue how to do this.

“I’m sorry, El. I suck at this.”

He grinned then and shrugged.

“You haven’t bolted for the door yet or kicked me out, so I’d say you’re doing great.”

He knew her too well. No. Not too well. He knew her. And that made her feel safe; safe enough to admit to him,

“I’ve always been afraid to fall in love too deeply, Elliot. It terrifies me.”

“I know.”

She felt herself relax and her lips quirked up a bit, almost forming an actual smile.

“But hey, it’s only me,” Elliot added, his grin widening and she knew he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Aren’t you scared?” she asked him sincerely and her heart skipped a beat when Elliot scooted closer to her on the bed to take her hands in his. “I’m a mess, El. And I’m going to be a mess for a while to come.”

“I know. But if one good thing is going to come out of all of this, I pray it will be that you will stop denying yourself what you really want. What you deserve.”

“You mean you?”

Elliot chuckled and shook his head, looking down at their joined hands.

“You deserve so much better than a divorced father of five, Olivia. I just want you to be happy. That’s all. And if I can contribute to that in any way …”

“I don’t want better,” she interrupted him, and she shocked herself a little.

But she’d said it. It was out there and if she cared for Elliot at all, she would have to see it through.

“What?” Elliot asked, blinking and frowning a bit, trying to understand what she’d just said.

“I don’t want better than a divorced father of five,” she repeated, trying to ignore how her heartbeat had just shot through the roof.

She watched Elliot for a reaction and saw the meaning of her words sink in. His eyes glossed over and she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. He was cracking open right on front of her. She didn’t think she’d ever get used to meaning this much to him. To anyone. But especially him because he meant just as much to her.

“Liv.”

His voice was raspy and a little shaky and she felt a lump forming in her own throat. Was this really happening, in the middle of her struggle to fight off the demons from her past?

“You deserve the world, Olivia. You really do. And I’m just me. But I wanna be here for you, always. Whatever you need.”

He meant every word. She could feel it in her bones and his truth, his love and acceptance wrapped itself around her like a protective blanket. Like a new armor against the worst the world had to offer, only she wasn’t alone inside that armor anymore. They were inextricably linked and for the first time in her life she felt safe enough to need someone - and safe enough to admit it.

“I just want you.”

...

To be continued

Chapter Text

13.

Whatever Olivia had imagined this moment would be like if it would ever come, she had not expected to be an emotional mess. But her admission had come from a very deep place. Dr. Lindstrom had encouraged her to identify situations in which she was inclined to take a step back in favor of someone else, and to think before making a choice, if what she was about to say or do was really what she wanted. She needed and wanted to learn that she actually had a say in her own life and wasn't just here to live for everybody else and their happiness. That she was allowed to say "no" if that was better for her, without feeling guilty towards the person she was saying no to. And on the other hand, she was allowed to want things for herself, which were good for her physical and mental health and even her own happiness.

Her cry for life had been heard and her young self was coming out of hiding to connect with her adult self, in order to finally begin to discover what she needed to not only live but to thrive - and to be one with herself.

Olivia had expected that she'd be practicing with small things first, like saying no when someone asked if they could visit her, or going home early once she was back on the job. Those were a few examples she and Lindstrom had listed as exercises. She most definitely hadn't expected that the first real choice she would be making for herself would be one of this magnitude.

"I just want you."

It was as if all the obstacles she had always seen in their way, that had been blocking her feelings up to the point that she could almost deny them completely, had been pushed away. Maybe it was because of how she had woken up, ready to fight and then seeing Elliot's face instead of that of her tormentor, that had brought all those feelings back up to the surface. The sense of safety that had enveloped her had been overwhelming, the complete opposite of what she had felt mere seconds earlier, despite her embarrassment about losing control kicking in. And maybe it was because of the things Elliot was saying - taking away her embarrassment and opening up a clear path for them by putting it all into words for the first time.

Whatever it was, for once she wasn't reasoning her feelings for Elliot away. She didn't tell herself she had no right to have them because he was married and had children who needed him. And despite her initial resistance, she wasn't blowing up at Elliot anymore, insisting that he should stick with what he had and not give it up.

Another layer of bricks was coming off of the walls around her heart and it wasn't as scary to let someone see her than she thought it would be. Because this was Elliot. And he'd already seen her, just like she could see him. They could see each other like nobody else could; like they would let nobody else see them. And that thought alone was opening the floodgates.

Elliot froze for a few seconds, first because of her words and then because of the way her face suddenly fell, her forehead scrunched up and tears welled in her eyes. But then he knew. He got it, and it felt natural to wrap his arms around her and pull her into his lap and against his chest.

She had dropped her guard completely and that was scary as hell. He'd basically done the same just now, confessing his feelings for her, but her recent trauma had wiped out her emotional filter. While he felt more certain of the choices he was making than ever before, Olivia had barely begun to scratch the surface when it came to her healing - not only from her assault but from her past and how it had shaped her life and her thinking.

As he held her close he could tell she was crying a little, and while she sniffled against his shoulder, he allowed himself a few moments to let her admission sink in.

I just want you.

For years he had thought he wasn't good enough for her. In fact, nobody was good enough for her but least of all him. He was on a quest to prove that he wasn't a failure and that he wasn't his father. He had sunk his teeth into that mission regardless of his own feelings and doubts, from the moment Kathy had told him she was pregnant. He wasn't going to be a cheater like his father and he wasn't going to fail. Not in his job and not in his marriage.

Olivia deserved someone who could give her their undivided attention and love, and nothing less. He couldn't give her that. At the same time, he didn't trust anyone else to know her the way he did and to know what she needed. He'd been selfish, not wanting to see her with anyone else but not ready to risk it all for her either. His catholic guilt had been too strong and his fear of losing his children too deep.

But he was ready now. He and Kathy were still friends and their children would adjust. It was time to follow his heart at last, and his heart would always lead him to Olivia.

Olivia had wrapped her arms around herself initially after he'd pulled her into his arms, but after a few minutes she moved, and wrapped them around his waist instead. It moved him because she was opening up, quite literally, by untangling her body and opening her arms for him instead. They held each other like that for a long time, until he could feel her grip tightening. She flattened her hands against his back and brought them up to his shoulder blades, anchoring herself to him. Elliot responded by nuzzling his nose in her hair, and he whispered,

"You okay?"

He felt her nod against him but when he tried to put some distance between them so he could see her face, she resisted at first.

"Liv," he tried again. "It's alright. I've got you."

She nodded again and turned her head so her lips skimmed his neck when she whispered back,

"Yes, you do."

Elliot rubbed his cheek along her temple and then placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I'm sorry, El …" Olivia started, but he would have none of it and began shaking his head before she could continue.

"Never be sorry for being you," he told her and he meant it. "You're perfect just the way you are."

That made Olivia look up at him at last and he gave her some room so they could look at each other. Olivia scooted back a little but he didn't let go of her, dropping his hands to her waist.

"Not right now, I'm not," she insisted, showing him her tear-stained face and the storm in her eyes.

Elliot smiled and shook his head.

"You don't get it, Olivia. I love you. All of you because it's you. And right now, I think I'm …"

He swallowed when the truth of what he was about to say hit him.

"I'm seeing more of you than I ever have before."

Olivia knew that part was true. She felt completely exposed and was a little ashamed of her emotional reaction to what was happening between them. She felt so far removed from the badass cop she had always tried to be, but the love and utter acceptance in Elliot's eyes was disarming. She knew that the only reason she had let herself crack open like this was because she was absolutely safe with him.

That didn't mean she wasn't terrified. It didn't mean that she didn't feel completely out of her element - because she did. She had never been in this place in her life before, admitting her true feelings for a man she loved more than life itself. She had never given anyone the upper hand before, and most certainly not any man.

And yet she felt safe; a little wobbly perhaps, but safe. He wouldn't hurt her. He loved her. All of her.

It was incomprehensible. So used to rejection, she just couldn't process it.

But her heart knew what it wanted and she had blurted out her truth. She did want Elliot to be hers. And if he was truly free now, she wasn't going to clutter her own life with reasons why it couldn't be again. It was scary as hell but she was finally listening to that little girl inside her, who wanted to live. That little girl who had been innocent and had not deserved the rejection and the hate that had been piled on her. She had needed love but hadn't gotten it and so she had decided she was unlovable. Her adult self had tried to counter that way of thinking with logic but it had been a deep wound that would take time to heal. Time and love.

She had survived the assault so now she had the time.

And Elliot was offering her his love.

"I'm scared," she admitted, letting herself speak without a filter for once. He could see her already anway.

"Of what?"

She made a helpless gesture with her hands and then let them drop in her lap. Elliot wanted to pull her closer again but decided against it. It had to be her decision, and after her admission he dared to hope that they were going to make it.

"What if it doesn't work out?"

"What? Us?" he asked, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "Liv …"

"I've never done this before."

"Neither have I."

Olivia frowned.

"Of course you have."

"Nope. I've never declared my undying love and devotion to my best friend and work partner of almost fifteen years before either."

She couldn't help laughing. If he put it that way …

"But seriously, Liv. We've known each other forever and we've been through so many highs and lows together. I know what I'm getting myself into with you, trust me. Although I'm not sure what you'd want with a stubborn hothead like me."

For the first time, Olivia could discern some insecurity in Elliot's features. Until now, he had seemed in complete control, of himself as well as this brand-new situation they were finding themselves in, sitting across from each other on a hotel bed in the middle of the night. Was he really insecure about himself? About what he had to offer?

Sure, he could be stubborn but so could she. And he could be a hothead. But she got it. She understood where he was coming from. Injustice enraged him and it was one of the reasons she felt so safe with him; one of the reasons she loved him. She knew his anger came from a pure place. He might be a stubborn hothead, but he was her stubborn hothead.

"El." She reached for his hands and he eagerly took hers. "I know you. I've seen your heart."

"And I've seen yours," he countered with a smile.

"So you know I'm not as strong as I pretend to be."

She looked down at their joined hands but her head shot up when Elliot let out an annoyed huff.

"Liv. Come on. Don't do that."

"Well … just look at me," she said with a shrug.

"I'm looking," Elliot told her, his annoyance now replaced by a charming grin.

"I'm a mess."

"You told me that already. But I know you'll come out of this stronger than ever before. You're still the strongest person I know, Liv. And admitting that you're in over your head and asking for help? That's pure strength. And I'm so, so proud of you."

She saw his mouth twitch and heard the emotion in his voice. He really meant every word and she wanted to cry again. She hated being like this, even if the rape crisis counseler in her told her it was perfectly normal under the circumstances. She blinked when Elliot lifted his hand and cupped her cheek and her heart skipped a beat. Suddenly, her attention did a full one-eighty. She wasn't focused on herself and how she was acting anymore. She was completely focused on Elliot and what he would do next.

She'd wondered for longer than she cared to admit what it would be like to kiss Elliot. Never in her wildest dreams had she expected them to get close under circumstances like these but for the moment, everything else faded to the background. It was just them, staring at each other, eyes and souls wide open.

"Olivia," he said softly and the way he spoke her name was almost reverent. "You mean the world to me. You have made me a better person and a better cop."

"Getting a divorce is better?" she asked, surprising even herself with her directness. But it was just them and they were open and she felt safe to speak her mind.

"It's honest," Elliot told her simply. "You … being with you, you help me to be me. I just hope I can do the same for you."

She let out a sigh that sounded more like a whimper and before she could stop herself, she leaned into Elliot. He responded instantly and met her in the middle, their lips finding each other for the first time.

His kiss was soft at first, tentative. A soft plop was heard and they both pulled back slightly to stare into each others' eyes. When Olivia wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and moved in a second time, Elliot grew bolder and kissed her with more confidence. She sighed and her lips parted, and he sucked her lower lip between his for a moment, eliciting another little whimper from her. It was Olivia who took over then, kissing him back and letting the tip of her tongue skim his upper lip. It was Elliot's turn to groan and he pulled her against him again, deepening the kiss while Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck tightly.

She couldn't believe what she was feeling. She had thought it would take her months to get back to some sense of normalcy after what she had been through, but it felt so natural to kiss and be kissed by Elliot that she felt completely weightless for a minute. All the horrors she was dealing with - both recent and decades old - had faded away completely for the moment and it was just them, her and Elliot, finally admitting what had been between them for a very long time.

When they broke apart after a while, Elliot grinned shyly at Olivia.

"I hope that was okay," he whispered, trying to get his ragged breathing under control.

Olivia just nodded, speechless for the moment.

"Now I don't want you to think I expect …"

Olivia put her hand over his mouth, stopping him from completing the sentence. She knew. She wasn't concerned at all that Elliot would try to rush anything between them. He loved her. She was still letting that sink in and she smiled at him, hoping he would be able to tell that she trusted him.

"You wanna try and get some more sleep now?" Elliot suggested and she nodded.

"Yeah. Let's try that."

Without discussing it, they lay down close together and Olivia snuggled up against Elliot's side. He wrapped one arm around her so she could rest her head on his shoulder and he kissed her softly one more time. She relaxed in his arms and closed her eyes. She didn't expect to wake up in a panic again but even if she did, she knew Elliot would be there to catch her. And that made all the difference.

...

Chapter Text

14.

"Olivia, welcome back. Please, sit. Tell me about your week."

Dr. Lindstrom settled in, an expectant look in his eyes when he looked at his patient. It had been seven weeks since her assault and six weeks since she started seeing him. She had told him the week before that she and her work partner had shared a few kisses lately, and he was curious to hear how this new development was affecting her recovery.

Once she began seeing him, they had gotten to the core of her struggle rather quickly. Olivia Benson had been conceived through a crime and that fact, along with being raised by an alcoholic mother who had been unable to love the child of her rapist, had convinced her that she needed to prove that she somehow still could be of use to society. She had hidden away her deeply rooted sense of unworthiness as well as her own basic emotional needs, and had pushed herself over and over again to be the fiercest, the strongest and the most compassionate of all.

As a cop, shielded by rank, gun and badge, she had found her place in the world. Her squad became her family, as she put it. As a cop, she knew what was expected of her. And as a cop, she could not fail. Ever.

Her assailant had stripped that identity away from her in a matter of hours. He'd gotten the drop on her as she'd put it, and she had frozen. In her mind, she had failed as a cop. And once her police armor had come off, the deep scars on her soul had become visible.

Lindstrom admired Olivia for her courage to address her past and the way it had shaped her life, and her response to William Lewis's words while he held her captive. Not everyone was brave enough to accept that challenge and aim for a true change. Many people tried to cover their issues back up, reverting back to their old coping mechanisms. Their old ways were familiar and they had worked so far, so they would work again, they reasoned.

Not Olivia Benson.

She was fighting for her life. She was facing her demons and had finally found the anger deep inside her over the injustice that had been done to her. Not just to others like her, but to her. To the young girl who had never asked to be born and who had needed love and acceptance just like everyone else. The rape that had caused her conception may have been a crime, but her existence wasn't and she had a right to live and be loved. William Lewis thought he had destroyed her, but she was rising from the ashes, showing her true inner strength. She was showing it to him in therapy and soon, she would show it to the world.

Lindstrom knew like no other how much difference it made to someone struggling with self-acceptance, self-forgiveness even, if they had someone standing with them who loved and accepted them without judgment. People could heal through cognitive therapy but having that safety net of even just one other person in your corner could be a huge help. He had seen it many times over the years in his work as a psychologist. It could be a family member, a close friend or a confidant at church or even at work, but it could also be a life partner. Or in this case, a work partner and friend who might be turning into more for her.

The therapist knew Olivia's defenses were down and under different circumstances, she might have continued to resist the mutual attraction between herself and her work partner of fifteen years. She had admitted in their sessions that she'd had romantic feelings for her friend before but true to form, she had filed them away under Things Not To Be Explored - because he was married and she was Olivia Benson.

Things had changed between them recently and Lindstrom was interested to see what that was doing to Olivia. He smiled when she did, and he was pleased to see that there was a healthy color on her cheeks.

"You want to know about Elliot," she stated, and he could suddenly imagine her sitting across from a suspect or a witness in an interrogation room.

He chuckled and made an inviting gesture with his hands.

"You tell me. Is there anything you want to share about Elliot?"

His smile widened when he saw little lights dancing in her eyes. Being in love really suited her.

"He went back to work a little over a week ago."

"And how is that going?"

"For him or for me?"

"Both?" he suggested. "I can imagine it isn't easy for him to let you out of his sight."

"Yeah. He hovers if you let him. That's just who he is," she admitted. "But it's okay. We text each other regularly and he can tell I'm doing better."

"Can you tell me more about that?"

Olivia pursed her lips and looked up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to find the right words. The therapist waited patiently, knowing by now that Olivia could hit him with shockingly accurate self-assessments at times, and very revealing conclusions at other times - even when those conclusions weren't as accurate, or sometimes just plain wrong.

He perked up when Olivia took a breath to speak.

"It's like … like I can finally relax, you know? Like I don't have to carry all this weight around all the time anymore."

"The weight of the assault or …"

They had come to an understanding about what to call what in their sessions, and had decided on the distinction between her 'assault' and her 'issues'. She needed to deal with both, because even without her issues, what had happened to her, in what was supposed to be the safety of her own home, was extremely invasive and terrifying. Everything else that had been unearthed because of the assault was just a bonus, as Olivia was prone to call it. Sometimes she meant it sarcastically and other times she could actually see the upside of it all.

"All of it," came her reply to his question on an exhale. "I mean, it's a lot to deal with and to figure out but … I'm not alone anymore, you know? I can just drop everything on the floor and it's not just me who has to pick it all back up at the end of the day. Does that make sense?"

Lindstrom nodded slowly, his smile widening.

"It does. That's very good to hear, Olivia. So you feel safe with Elliot. Safe enough to drop everything, as you call it."

Olivia nodded and he saw her swallow and blink a few times. She did that. She never wanted to cry in front of him and that was fine. It wasn't his goal to break her down completely. People had a right to privacy, even in something as intimate as a therapy session. She had told him she could cry with Elliot now, and that was a big thing for her. And they had even cried together, when Elliot had been overwhelmed for a moment by what had happened to her. Lindstrom gave Olivia a moment, but before he could ask her a new question, she continued.

"He says he has a surprise for me later. And you know what?"

Lindstrom tilted his head, inviting her to continue.

"I really, really hate surprises."

He couldn't help laughing out loud at that.

"Now why doesn't that surprise me?" he joked, and Olivia chuckled too.

"Has to do with needing to be in control, right?" she self-analyzed correctly. "But the funny thing is, I'm not apprehensive at all this time. I think … I think I'm actually looking forward to this afternoon."

"Can you describe what you feel when you think about not knowing what's going to happen later in the day?"

He saw her settle in her chair then, and he thought she looked more relaxed now than she had ever been since they started their sessions.

"It just feels like … like I'm starting a new life in a way. Like I'm starting from scratch and I'm just so curious what that new life is going to bring me."

Olivia radiated an almost childlike excitement and that brought another smile to the psychologist's face. She had started on her journey of becoming one with her inner self and he could already see the beginnings of the fruits of her courage to dig that deep and face her fears. She was finally beginning to trust - not only in other people such as Elliot and him as a therapist, but in herself. She was beginning to trust her own ability to embrace life without fear of being knocked down again.

He knew her issues would continue to pop up from time to time. Deeply rooted issues like fear of abandonment, and fear of failure and disappointing others, could always rear their ugly heads again. But she found herself with room to breathe now; room to just live and test the waters. It wasn't just the room that Elliot and her squad were giving her. It was the room she was giving herself.

It wasn't that her trauma had suddenly gone away. She would still be struggling with that. But she was giving herself space to do that now. She was actively trying not to push herself to be better and stronger than everyone else anymore, and he could tell that Elliot's love for her was helping her to love herself as well.

"Have you thought about work yet?" Lindstrom asked his patient.

He wondered if she was giving any thought to a new job to accompany this new life she was embarking on.

"I wanna go back, that's for sure. But not just yet. I'm … I'm not done processing yet."

"That's progress, Olivia. You know that, right?"

She smiled a genuine smile and confirmed,

"I do. And I'm actually beginning to enjoy this me time. A lot."

When it was time to end their session, Lindstrom knew Olivia would be back. They had gone from two sessions a week to just one but she was very conscious of her progress and of how far she still had to go. She had made big steps, but those were just the first big steps. A lot of small steps would follow, and many steps would need to be repeated over and over again until they finally became part of her new pattern. She was allowing herself room to try and fail. To fall and get back up again. When she stepped out of his office he told her from the heart,

"I'm proud of you, Olivia."

…

Elliot was leaning against his car outside of her therapist's building and Olivia saw him perk up when he spotted her. She knew he was taking her out to lunch, but the rest of the day was still a mystery to her. Elliot was smiling widely at her, his eyes twinkling almost mischievously and while she would have rolled her eyes at him before, his happy excitement just made her feel safe. Safe and wanted. He had taken the afternoon off to spend it with her, and for his big surprise. She hadn't seen him the day before and walked straight up to him for a hug.

"How did it go at 1PP?" she asked, burying her face in the crook of his neck for a second.

"Great," he said, pulling back to look at her but keeping his arms wrapped around her waist. "They're offering me a spot on a new task force."

"Really? What kind of task force?"

"Organized Crime. It's just starting up so it looks like I requested the transfer at the right time."

"That's great, El," Olivia said, and she meant it. But it was a big change, not to be partners anymore once she went back to work at SVU.

"It's gonna be different," she mused and Elliot leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"Different isn't always bad," he said, his lips brushing against her skin.

"I'm learning that."

"I'm liking this particular brand of different a lot," Elliot said with a smirk before diving in for a kiss.

They hadn't gotten much further than second base yet but Olivia felt butterflies dance in her stomach each time Elliot kissed her. She knew it was only a matter of time now, and because of their new relationship, Elliot had decided to transfer out of the unit before Olivia came back to work. Her life was changing before her eyes, and she was changing as well. But for the first time in her life, change didn't petrify her anymore. Something had to give eventually and ironically, Lewis might actually have given her that final push.

She hadn't seen him yet since 'that' night. His court appearances so far had consisted of his legal aid attorney requesting continuances for various reasons, one of which was his medical condition. A few days after he'd been discharged from the hospital and had been sent to Rikers, he had been beaten to a pulp in a shower area without video surveillance. Olivia wasn't sure what to make of that. Elliot had just shrugged, and before she'd been able to ask him anything about it, he'd given her a pointed look that clearly said 'don't ask'. Unfortunately, Lewis was now using the beating to create a narrative that the NYPD had it in for him and was framing him, and his legal aid attorney was objecting to just about any testimony from the Detectives at SVU that Barba was planning, claiming extreme bias. The judge wasn't about to throw out all the testimonies of the team but the result of all the motions was that the trial kept being postponed. She couldn't believe Lewis actually wanted a trial after being caught in the act of kidnapping and torturing a police officer but it looked like they would be going to court eventually.

But not today. She quickly shook off the tension about the upcoming trial and focused on her cheerful companion and his surprise. He hadn't given her a single hint yet but she still had an idea that it might have something to do with him finding a new place. Her only clue was that he'd actually not mentioned his search for an apartment at all anymore over the past week. And that was suspicious.

They had lunch at a small bistro and Olivia found herself managing to relax and not jump at every unexpected sound that came from the kitchen or the other guests. When someone two tables down dropped a fork on the tile floor she did startle, but Elliot told her that was a sound that would make anyone jump.

"I guess so. I really can't remember how things were before … well, before."

Elliot nodded and chewed on his lip before commenting,

"There's no going back to before."

"I know," she acknowledged, studying the remains of her lunch. "It's just … a lot sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

Her eyes flicked up to his.

"What for? You're not doing anything wrong."

"Eh …"

He made a wide gesture with his hands.

"I'm part of the change, right? And I'm about to pile on some more."

Olivia tilted her head and squinted at him. He had found a place. That had to be the surprise.

"Just get on with it then, and I'll let you know if I like it or not."

Elliot chuckled, clearly amused with her impatience, and she was glad that he wasn't going to drag things out any longer when he beckoned the waiter for their check. A few minutes later they were back in his car and on their way. Olivia peered out the passenger window, trying to figure out where they were going. Once they were on the Brooklyn bridge, she finally asked him,

"Did you find an apartment in Brooklyn or something?"

"Patience, my love."

Olivia huffed and tried not to grin like a fool. Sometimes she wondered who she was and who had flushed her badass persona down the toilet. But truth be told, Elliot's love for her and the way he chose to show it to her, both in words and in deeds, was healing for her soul. To imprint on yourself that you're worth just as much as everyone else was one thing, but to actually be the center of someone's world was another thing altogether.

It's about time someone put you first.

She had never been put first before in her life. Not by someone else and most certainly not by herself. She felt like crying sometimes when she let it sink in that she could really matter that much to another person. It was the most normal thing in the world for her to care about others but to be on the receiving end of that caring was completely new. And sometimes she'd get angry about it - realizing that it shouldn't be so new at all, and realizing that life had been unfair to her. Her therapist said that anger was healthy because it was a sign that she felt like she was worth fighting for.

Elliot most definitely felt she was worth fighting for. He was getting his life in order and had admitted a few big truths. And the biggest admission of all had been that he wanted to share his life with her - not as a second choice but as the only choice that made any sense at all, as he put it. He was making progress as well, and they were growing together now. They were both damaged goods and she had thought once that maybe damaged people could never heal together. She'd been wrong.

They had left the Belt Parkway and had followed 7th Avenue for a while when Elliot turned right into 71st Street. It was a long street, and they passed several apartment buildings before Elliot finally slowed down to a crawl. Olivia sat up and looked around, wondering if this was really the block where he was taking her. There were no apartment buildings here, only very charming houses on either side of the street.

"El," she said quietly. "What did you do?"

Surely he couldn't afford to rent an entire house.

"Actually, I didn't do a lot. Come on, I'll show you," Elliot replied cryptically and then he parked the car.

Olivia followed his lead and got out of the car, and was even more surprised when he grabbed her hand and led her away from the front of the house to the gate next to it.

"You have a key?"

"I do. Please, after you. Our entrance is on the side of the house."

…

Elliot was really enjoying surprising Olivia this way. He hadn't planned to keep anything from her, but when this opportunity basically fell into his lap and decisions needed to be made very fast, he had enlisted the help of his two oldest daughters to get things ready quickly. He could only hope Olivia would like this place.

He led her up the outside stairs at the side of the house, unlocked the door and guided her into the living area of the second floor of the house. The place had been freshly painted and had solid hardwood flooring in all the rooms but it wasn't furnished completely yet. He and his daughters had only managed to get a few basics in place, such as a big sectional and a widescreen television. Kathleen had put one potted plant in the window next to the open kitchen and had promised to bring more as soon as he was settled.

"This is amazing," Olivia sighed, taking in the spacious living and kitchen area, and he stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

He rested his chin on her shoulder and turned her around so they were facing the front of the house.

"There's two bedrooms and a half bathroom on that side," he told her, and then he turned her around 180 degrees and added, "and another bedroom on that side, plus a huge bathroom."

"Three bedrooms?!" Olivia exclaimed, wiggling out of his embrace to face him. "You can't possibly afford a place with three bedrooms and one point five bathrooms!"

Elliot grinned and shrugged.

"Yet here we are."

He then quickly explained that the elderly couple who owned the entire house lived downstairs, and they had put in a special request with the NYPD. The husband was former NYPD himself and now that they were getting older, they would like their tenants to be police as well, so they would feel a little safer, still living on their own. After Elliot had visited them to introduce himself and explain his situation, they had made him an offer he could afford and couldn't refuse.

"I'll introduce you to them in a minute, you'll love them," Elliot assured her. "And they've already promised to stay out of our business unless we invite them. And they are used to having baby monitors in their home for a couple of other neighbors, so …"

Olivia's eyes were wide and full of questions, and he quickly added, "for Eli," but he could see the wheels were already turning in her head. His heart skipped a beat but he decided to just go for broke and tell her everything.

"Liv … I've been wanting to get you out of that hotel room for weeks, but I just didn't have a place to bring you. But if you want, you're most welcome to stay here with me. For as long as you want. I … it's not fully furnished yet but if you want your own room, we'll get everything we need this weekend."

Something finally seemed to click and the sheer astonishment in her eyes made room for a completely different look.

"My own room?" she asked, stepping closer to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I don't want my own room, Elliot."

Her voice had dropped almost a full octave and Elliot swallowed hard, suddenly feeling very nervous. Until now, he had been in the lead, dropping this huge surprise on her, but the tables had turned in an instant and he felt completely at her mercy now.

"You don't?" he asked her, his voice raspy and barely more than a whisper.

Olivia shook her head and blew out a tiny breath, the only sign indicating that maybe she was a little nervous too.

"No, I don't," she repeated. "If I'm staying here, I'm sleeping with you."

…

Dun dun.

Chapter Text

15.

Elliot had been right about the Barneys. Lloyd and Ruth Barney were an adorable elderly couple, nearing the respectable age of eighty. Lloyd had admitted to Olivia that his gun hand wasn't as steady as it used to be and he had finally put his weapon away for the last time. That was why he was so pleased to have Elliot move in. Olivia wasn't one for terms of endearment but she found herself accepting Lloyd's 'honey' and Ruth's 'dear' without feeling uncomfortable about it at all. Lloyd was already showing an almost fatherly pride towards Elliot and the couple seemed to assume that Olivia came with the package and they had made her feel most welcome.

"You're both cops! That's just perfect," Lloyd had cheered.

The only indication that they were aware she wasn't Elliot's wife had been when Ruth had pulled her aside and had asked her innocently if she expected to come over a lot. Olivia explained to her that she was currently living at a hotel due to circumstances, so that she would be staying for a while. Ruth had smiled then and had whispered conspiratorially,

"Maybe you won't ever want to leave."

The old lady had winked at her then and had nodded in Elliot's direction, telling her very clearly without words that she thought he'd be a great catch.

...

Olivia smiled at the memory and glanced at her companion on the sectional. After she had agreed to stay with Elliot for the time being, they had gone back to her hotel to get her things and check her out. They had done some laundry together at a laundromat a few blocks away, since Elliot's washer and dryer hadn't arrived yet, and then they had ordered in for dinner. After dinner they had each taken a shower and had changed into sweats, and they were currently cuddled up together on the big couch watching some TV before bed.

"What are you smiling at?" Elliot asked and she snuggled up closer to him.

"Nothing."

"You're a terrible liar, Benson."

She chuckled, and then told him vaguely,

"Just something Ruth said."

Elliot rubbed her arm and kissed her temple.

"I'm glad you all get along."

"They're so sweet. Almost like …"

Olivia stopped herself before finishing her thoughts out loud, but Elliot already knew what she had been about to say. Like parents.

"I know what you mean," he told her. "They'll love being surrogate grandparents to the kids too, since they never had any kids of their own."

"They don't have children?"

Olivia was genuinely surprised and sat up to look at Elliot. The Barneys were the perfect grandparents and were very sociable. She couldn't imagine these two without a huge family around them on birthdays and holidays.

"They were foster parents to a lot of kids though," Elliot added. "I sometimes think that's a lot harder than having your own."

"Yeah. You keep saying goodbye," Olivia nodded.

"A couple of them visit them from time to time," Elliot told her, "but they never formally adopted any of them. I don't know if they didn't want to or they couldn't. The subject seemed painful enough so I didn't want to pry."

Olivia understood a bit better why the couple was so pleased to have Elliot as their tenant.

"I guess they were happy when you told them you've got five kids?"

"Over the moon," Elliot confirmed with a grin.

Olivia settled back against Elliot's side, wedging her right arm between him and the couch and draping her left arm across his stomach. Elliot wrapped his left arm around her shoulders again and just when Olivia thought the conversation was over for now, Elliot circled back to the beginning.

"So what did Ruth say that had you grinning from ear to ear?"

Olivia hesitated for a moment and then decided, what the hell, she should just say it.

"She just suggested that after staying with you for a while, I might never want to leave."

They went from playful to serious in a split second. Olivia could see it in Elliot's blue eyes when he turned his head to look at her. She blinked up at him, almost holding her breath for a reason she couldn't quite define. Elliot opened his mouth to say something, then seemed to change his mind and sat up a bit straighter to clear his throat.

"You do know you're welcome to stay, right? I mean, permanently."

He swallowed after his words and Olivia wasn't sure what to say. She sat up again as well. They were suddenly talking about living together for real, not just staying with each other and much to her own surprise, she found herself not panicking at all at the thought. She already felt at home in the sparsely furnished house and the man she had been curled up against until a few moments ago had a lot to do with that. It felt right to be out of that impersonal hotel room and even if Elliot's new place didn't exactly have a personal touch yet either, aside from Kathleen's plant, she found herself able to relax there already.

Overall, she found herself able to relax more, she realized, despite the nightmares she still had at couple of times a week. Something had changed over the past two months. She had changed. Her first thought hadn't been about being in the way when Elliot invited her to stay with him. Her first thought had been that she herself would really love to stay there with him. And now, Elliot was asking if she'd consider moving in permanently and she still wasn't worried about being in the way - not in his way and not even his kids' way.

She knew that old habit of taking a backseat to other people's needs and expectations wouldn't suddenly be gone forever, but with Elliot she was able to let it go. With him, she found herself in a place that was safe; where she could do nothing so wrong that he'd reject her. With him, she was finding the space to consider her own needs and the space to voice them and act on them without fear of the consequences. And while she knew it might be a bit disappointing for Elliot, she felt comfortable enough to tell him truthfully,

"Let's just take it one day at a time for now, alright? I mean, I haven't even been back to my own place yet."

She could see him absorb the small disappointment, his mouth turning into a thin line and his eyes downcast. But within seconds, he looked up at her, his eyes softened and he asked her,

"Do you want to go there?"

Olivia smiled and scooted closer to him again.

"Not tonight," she told him softly and although her heart rate picked up a bit, she maintained eye contact with Elliot, hoping to convey the underlying meaning of her words, until she could see another change in his eyes.

He swallowed again and she smiled bravely at him, waiting for her intentions to sink in fully.

"You … you wanna get some sleep then?" he asked her, his voice now a bit hoarse, almost nervous. He had to know she wasn't looking for sleep just yet, but she decided to tease him a bit longer. Perhaps it would help quell her own nerves as well.

"Is the bed made already?"

Elliot nodded quickly, chewing his lower lip and looking between her eyes, clearly wondering if he was reading her body language right or not. Olivia knew she had to be clear about what she wanted, but there was one slight problem: she wasn't entirely sure how she would react to intimacy after her trauma. Kissing and touching over their clothes was one thing but ...

"Liv," Elliot said softly and when he reached for her, she grabbed his hand with both hands. "No pressure."

It was her turn to nod nervously.

"Yeah. Let's just … let's see what happens."

"As long as you tell me if it's …"

"I will. Don't worry. I'll be clear."

"Promise me."

"I promise."

They stood up simultaneously then, Olivia still clinging to Elliot's hand, and she walked backwards a few steps, tugging Elliot along with her. They walked to the main bedroom together in silence and Olivia let go of Elliot's hand when the door closed behind them. Elliot used the opportunity to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her flush against him.

"Do you know how long I've wanted this?" he murmured against her forehead and Olivia smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"About as long as I've wanted this?" she asked.

"Probably longer," Elliot admitted, since they were being absolutely honest with each other in these moments.

When Olivia tilted her head, he went in for a kiss, and soon they weren't expressing their confessions with words anymore. He was careful to pay attention to Olivia's response to what they were doing, wanting to make sure she was really ready after everything she'd been through. But once his sweatshirt came off, she seemed to be focused solely on exploring his now exposed chest and back, with her hands as well as her mouth.

The thought of Olivia Benson's mouth on his skin made him feel hot and cold simultaneously and his body couldn't possibly not respond to her. Until now, he had been completely focused on taking care of her and making sure she had room to heal and to act out when she needed it. He had put his own desire on the backburner, already so happy to be allowed to kiss her and tell her he loved her without feeling guilty about it.

His feelings for her went far deeper than simply lusting after her body, but having her so close now, and seeing her pull down the zipper of her grey hoodie - or was it his? - definitely made him want her body.

She wasn't wearing anything underneath and his mouth went dry.

Olivia smiled slyly when she saw the look on his face and he asked her,

"You … planned this?"

She bit her lip and even that was sending another rush of blood south. His body was on high alert.

"I just want to be normal again," Olivia admitted.

Elliot raised his hands and gently pushed the hoodie off her shoulders, revealing her full breasts as well as the burns her abductor had caused. He saw a flicker of insecurity in her eyes as her hoodie dropped to the floor and he maintained eye contact with her while he told her,

"You're already normal, Liv. Every response to what you've gone through is normal. I would worry if you tried to pretend you were fine but I … I'm so proud of you. You're not there yet but that's completely normal too. You've got this, Liv."

He finally allowed his eyes to wander and he took in the sight before him.

She was stunning and he added on an exhale,

"And you've got me."

Olivia closed her eyes when Elliot's hands cupped her breasts for the first time, her heart hammering against her chest but arousal traveling down her body nonetheless. She knew that the darkness would still haunt her, probably for years to come, and she dreaded the upcoming trial. And yet, she found herself able to be in this moment; right here, with Elliot, in the safe bubble of their trust and love.

Her burns had healed for the most part and didn't hurt anymore, but she held her breath when Elliot's thumbs ran over a few cigarette burns gently while he was caressing her breasts.

"You're so beautiful, Liv," Elliot murmured.

She believed him.

Their hands began to explore further and while Elliot tried to go slow at first, wanting to give Olivia all the space she needed at each turn to revoke her consent if she felt uncomfortable, things heated up rather quickly. Their clothing discarded, Elliot found himself in the middle of his new King size bed with Olivia draped on top of him, kissing him senseless while he experienced a sensory overload of her skin all over his. His body was screaming at him to take over and Olivia smirked at him when she felt the clear proof of his arousal pressing against her stomach.

"You okay?" he asked her, once again.

Olivia assured him, once again, that she was okay.

"Make love to me, El," she whispered. "Show me I'm still whole."

He reached up to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. He choked up when he told her sincerely,

"Olivia, you make me whole."

Olivia closed her eyes when tears blurred her vision, and she dipped down to kiss him once more to show him how much she loved him, too. When Elliot turned them around and she was on her back, she didn't feel cornered or afraid for even a moment. This was Elliot and she was safe. They were safe with each other and were healing together - perhaps they both hadn't truly been whole until this night. When they made love for the first time, it wasn't just their bodies becoming one. It was a joining of the souls, now more in sync than ever before.

They were going to win this battle. Lewis had tried to destroy Olivia but he hadn't counted on her will to live - and to not only live but to thrive. Instead of breaking her beyond repair, he had inadvertently helped Olivia to acknowledge that she wanted more out of life than what she had allowed herself so far; and that she needed help. She was learning that she was allowed to want things for herself. And Elliot's love and support were showing her every day that she was worthy to be loved.

It wasn't weak to want to be loved; it was a basic human need, like food, water and a roof over their heads. Single or not, nobody was meant to go it all alone. Everyone needed company and Olivia Benson was finally not excluding herself anymore. What had seemed completely out of reach until just a short while ago, was now hers and she was never letting go again.

When they were a tangled heap of sweaty limbs a while later there still wasn't an inch of space between them and Elliot smiled at her.

"You really know what you want, don't you, Detective?"

He kissed the tip of her nose and Olivia smiled back at him, a lazy, satisfied smile.

"Yes, I do. And I'm finally taking it."

"Good for you," he whispered.

He dipped down to kiss her lips and then mumbled against her mouth,

"And me."

...

Just one final chapter to go to wrap things up - I think. I hope you enjoyed this ride as much as I enjoyed describing it!

Chapter Text

16.

Several weeks later

“ We went there last week,” Olivia told Lindstrom.

“Your apartment? The first time since the assault?”

Olivia nodded and her therapist asked,

“How was that?”

“Not good,” she admitted.

A trial date had finally been set for October 17, almost five months after Lewis had appeared in her apartment. Olivia had been back to work for a little over two weeks when the date had finally been set and anxiety about the trial came and went in waves, even if it was still almost two weeks away. Work as well as finishing furnishing and decorating Elliot’s apartment had proven a good distraction and overall, Olivia felt more balanced and grounded than she had in a long time. She still had bad dreams but even in her dreams, she had begun to stand up for the little girl in the playground. Sometimes it was her and Elliot together, and waking up with him had proven the best way to chase away her demons in the morning.

Mornings when he wasn’t there because he’d been called out on a case were harder but she was coping. She was finding a friend in Amanda Rollins, who had told her she could text her day and night, and she’d reply as soon as she’d read the text. Olivia was learning to rely on other people for support; not because she was incapable of taking care of herself and her own needs, but because she was done making things as difficult as possible for herself. That had been her old way. And while this new way was scary sometimes, she found herself smiling more and enjoying developing more profound relationships with the people around her. It made her realize even more how closed-off she had truly been. How lonely she had been, even while surrounded by people.

All of that was changing and both her therapist and Elliot were helping her deal with that change. And then she had decided she needed to see her apartment. She didn’t want to continue to live in fear of certain places and situations, and now that she had people to support her - now that she was allowing people to support her - she was ready to face her fear. She wanted to process the scene of the crime to give herself ample time before the trial to deal with whatever reaction she would have, and her friends would be by her side at the trial. She would get through it and take her life back.

...

Six days earlier

“Liv, you don’t have to come up …”

“I know, El. But I want to. I have to.”

They had driven to her apartment at Olivia’s request. She thought it was nonsense for Elliot to start buying all kinds of things for his new kitchen while all of her stuff was just collecting dust in her apartment. Neither of them had been there again after the assault and the drive over had been tense. Elliot had suggested she stay in the car but she would have none of it.

“You’re going to have flashbacks being back there just like me, El. I’m not letting you go up alone.”

She had been staying at Elliot’s place for weeks now and she had to admit it felt more like home than her own place ever had. At first, when she’d just moved in, she had been overjoyed to finally have a place that was all her own. No more sharing with roommates. This was all hers and she’d earned it. But over the years it had become the place where she went when she had nothing else to do. It had become a place of solitude - of chosen loneliness.

That wasn’t going to be her anymore. Even before they drove to her old place, she’d made a decision. She wasn’t going to move back there. She was going to ask Elliot if she could stay with him permanently. Her fear of rejection was all but gone where Elliot was concerned and she’d never felt safer with him.

Her hands were shaking when she pushed the key into the lock of the door. It was a new key opening a new lock, but it was still the same apartment and her entire body was on high alert. Elliot was right behind her and she knew she was tense on his behalf as well. Things could have gone horribly wrong here for him too. He had been strong, refusing to let Lewis goad him into killing him but he would definitely remember his feelings of rage upon seeing the crime scene again.

Her apartment was a crime scene.

Olivia felt herself get nauseous as she pushed the door open and her breathing became a bit erratic as memories began to flood her brain of being bound, gagged, insulted, punched or kicked and burned. She could still smell him, even after all this time.

Her carpet was gone and most of the mess Lewis had made had been moved to one side of the room.

“I think Fin and Rollins were here,” she heard Elliot say behind her.

His voice was tense and when she looked at him, she could see in his eyes that he was reliving that night again, just like her. Olivia tried to take a few deep breaths, but when she found she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs, she bolted for the bedroom to get some more of her clothes while Elliot turned around and walked into the kitchen. Kitchen supplies were what they had come to get here, after all. And to see how they’d react to being back here.

They both had a bad reaction.

About ten minutes after Olivia had fled to the bedroom, she came back out and found Elliot leaning his head against one of the kitchen cupboards, doing a breathing exercise. She stood next to him, wanting to comfort him, but when she saw one of her own skillets burnt completely black, her own stomach flipped. When Elliot sensed her next to him, he pushed himself off of the counter and turned to face her. They wrapped their arms around each other without speaking, and held each other for a long time, just breathing together and letting it sink in that no matter how horrible the nightmare had been that had taken place here, they were still alive, still breathing and still together.

…

“Returning for the first time can be a trigger …” Lindstrom offered, but he didn’t need to explain that to her.

“Yes, I know. I know all about that. Thank you.”

“I'm sure you do.”

The therapist smiled and Olivia reminded herself that there was no need to get defensive with him.

“I'm sorry. It's just, ah... that place... it was so dark there. And I realize that I haven't... thrived there.”

“And now? Now that you’re living somewhere else?”

Olivia couldn’t stop herself from smiling then.

“It’s not about the place in the end,” she pointed out, “but about feeling at home and at peace. And El’s place … it feels like home.”

“Can you put into words why that is?”

She began nodding even before Lindstrom had completed his sentence, already anticipating the question.

“Yes.”

Lindstrom made an inviting gesture with his hand and waited for her to continue.

“I can be completely myself there. Not just the composed self I usually want to be. But whatever I’m thinking or feeling, I can just let it out and nothing breaks. Nobody is hurt. It is accepted. Welcomed even.”

She took a shaky breath before continuing, feeling a bit emotional over her own words.

“I feel like … like I finally have enough room to breathe, if that makes sense. And I know now that I was the one denying myself that room in the end. Regardless of how small my mother or other people have made me feel over the years, I know now that it’s a choice. I decide how much space I need. Nobody else. And Elliot …”

She swallowed hard, her chest filling with wonder once more over how much that man truly loved her.

“He wants nothing more than for me to take all that space and just … bask in it.”

Lindstrom nodded.

“That is what you always do for other people, isn’t it? For the survivors you meet through work. For their families. And for Elliot.”

Olivia nodded fervently while trying to swallow down her emotions once more.

“Yes. I do. And I’ll always keep doing that because I know it’s what people need. It’s what everybody needs.”

“Including you.”

“Including me.”

Her eyes were still wet but she was smiling now. She felt strong. Stronger than she ever had before, now that she was no longer pushing herself to the sidelines of life. Not everyone would see the change in her, because she had always been strong and resilient. People who didn’t really know her, wouldn’t know. But something had changed inside of her, behind her strong exterior. She was no longer hiding behind her armor as a frightened child but she had stood up to her full height, and now filled that armor entirely. And when she was home - in the safety of unconditional love - she could take her armor off without fear. She didn’t need it at home. She was safe there. Home was no longer a place of loneliness. It was now a place to recharge. A place where she could be her true self, flaws and all. She would still put her armor on before going to work, but her wounded heart had begun to heal and it had a place to rest now. A place to not just live, but to thrive.

…

People who didn’t really know her, wouldn’t know. But there was one person in that courtroom on October 17, 2013, who knew. She saw it in his eyes the moment they landed on her and it was empowering.

William Lewis had expected to see a woman broken beyond repair, but the woman who walked into that courtroom to testify, was anything but broken. She was a bit shaky perhaps, but she was fierce. She radiated a strength that couldn’t be missed by anyone in the room. She had a flock of people with her to support her and she accepted their support openly, holding onto Elliot’s hand until she was called to the stand, and resting her hand on Barba’s shoulder for a moment when she passed him.

And when she spoke, when she testified to the horrors she had been put through at the hands of the man in front of her, it was strength that emanated from her vulnerability, not weakness. Not brokenness. Being there in court affected her visibly, and the things she needed to tell the jury did as well. But even before the trial was over, Olivia Benson knew that she had won. She could see it in the eyes of her tormentor.

His goal had been to break her. He had failed.

…

The defense attorney put up a brave fight, attempting to make the jury believe that it was all a plot by the NYPD to frame her client, that Olivia had somehow lured Lewis into her apartment to play a sick game with him. But it was almost as if Lewis wasn’t even interested in the proceedings anymore.

When the jury left to deliberate after the third and last day of testimony, Elliot asked Olivia if she wanted to go home. She told him she wanted to stay for a drink with the others. Elliot was extremely proud of how Olivia had handled herself on the stand, and he was happy that the proceedings hadn’t drained her completely. She still had some energy left and was choosing to spend it by spending time with her friends.

He watched her sip her drink, her first glass of wine since that night in May. She hadn’t had anything stronger to drink than beer so far and he was proud of her, that she was reclaiming her life step by step. It was helping him put the ordeal behind him as well. Their relationship had changed so much since that night, that he had to pinch himself sometimes. He would never credit Lewis for any of it. If anything, the encounter with the beast had simply sped up the process, but he believed that he and Olivia would have found their way to each other eventually. He was just grateful that she hadn’t shut him out when she needed someone the most.

All he had ever wanted for her was to be happy and loved. He had told himself that he would have been happy for her if she had found that with someone else, and he wanted to believe that. But she was with him now and he would do whatever it took to show her every day that she was loved. Perhaps he still felt that she deserved better than a divorced father of five, but she had told him that she didn’t want better; she just wanted him. And it helped him overcome some of the guilt he still felt over the choices he had made in his life.

They were here now and Olivia had asked him the other night if it really mattered in the end how they got where they were today.

And on this day, he decided that it didn’t. It didn’t matter how they got here and he was going to take a page from Olivia’s book. He was going to stop putting himself down and making himself smaller. He was going to allow himself to take up space, and to take up space in her life, just like she was now taking up more space than ever in his.

…

When the verdict came the next day and William Lewis was found guilty on all counts, Elliot and Olivia were home. They had decided not to go to the courtroom to hear the verdict, waiting for a call from Barba instead. Lewis was no longer worth their time and they cried in each others’ arms for a while, letting out all of the pain and anguish from the past few months. Once they had dried each others’ tears, Olivia kissed Elliot softly and whispered,

“Happy birthday, El.”

It was a new year for him and it was a new beginning for them. They could now move forward again and truly begin to live their new life. Together.

END