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Chapter Text

The opal ring on her left hand had magical properties, the rainbow vines caused Snow White instant exuberance every time she looked down at it. Smiling for hours hurt her face and she didn’t care. Her fiancé smiled against her smile in between kisses. Merlin shook with giddiness as he held the woman he loved. They would’ve spent the rest of the day and night embraced if the doorman hadn’t knocked.

Off their cloud of joy, Snow and Merlin remembered they were in a White carriage. They had arrived to the top of Risky Rock.

“They are going to explode.” Snow said giggling as she grabbed the champagne bottle.

“I’ve seen Arthur cry only once, today he cries again.” Merlin said, holding his fiancé’s beautiful face.

Giggling and playfully shushing each other Snow and Merlin pushed open the door. Their glow of joy dimmed as they walked in on their miserable looking friends.

The Fearless Seven, not Merlin and the Six no matter how valid he reasons, were the Glum Six. The heroes turned dwarves had already opened barrels of their strongest liquor. Empty glasses were tipped on the table.

On his one-of-a-kind, hand carved velvet chair Jack slumped with a devastated face. His face in Pino’s lap as Niko, on his brother’s shoulders, stroked his hair and hummed.

“Umm… we have good news-“Merlin began slowly until Snow placed a hand on his chest.

She shook her head, pulled off her ring, and placed it in her pocket. Snow approached the dwarfs. She placed a hand on Hans’ shoulder.

“It’s a sad day to lose a family member.” Hans said, patting Snow’s hand.

“Who?” Merlin whispered to Arthur.

“Jack got a letter from his brother about a funeral for his first girlfriend.” Arthur said, a fist to his stomach.

In fast French Jack snapped defensively from under his goose-feather robe.

“He says she was more than that, she was the reason for living and the world has lost all color.” Kio translated.

“He hasn’t spoken normal since he got the letter since gersten.” Hans said as he picked up the cups and empty bottles.

“Dear Jack,” Merlin said, kneeling down and taking his friends’ hand, “I ache to see you like this, your hair looks so limp and dry…”

Jack murmured something with an edge of distain.

Kio said, “It matches my soul.”

“Dammit, mate, tell us where to get the mousse and we will!” Arthur said, his fist hitting the chair arm.

“Jack, we will do whatever you need.” Snow said as she wiped the tear stains on his green skin.

“Have a painting of this lost love?” Merlin asked, he wondered if Jack’s heart was so owned by this girl why didn’t he find her to break his curse? Perhaps like the rest of the boys he was too ashamed of being cursed ugly to see an old friend.

From his robe’s pocket Jack held out a golden locket. Merlin looked at the intricate half moon crafted on the shell. Merlin held it gently as he clicked it open. He kept his face unsurprised as he scooted to Snow and Arthur.

“She’s a cow.” Merlin whispered in disbelief.

Snow gasped, “As someone dating a plus-size woman I’d expect you to kn-“

Merlin held the open locket in front of Snow and Arthur. The picture was of an actual farm cow with a very small Jack holding hay to her.

“She’s a farm animal.” Snow stated.

“Aye, that’s a living hamburger.” Arthur said with raised eyebrows and a hushed tone.

Merlin held in a scoff, “All this drama for a pet. Jack would be snarking at Jack if he could see this.” 

“But Merlin, look at that big smile on baby Jack.” Snow said affectionately, it was a caterpillar size grin and that was as big as Jack’s smiles got.

“Plus I remember a wee boy who had all of Camelot searching for a certain owl that one hot summer.” Arthur poked at his longtime friend.

“Enchilada was stifled in a cage,” Merlin stated “and we agreed that if falcons could find- no, no, wait.”

Snow’s fiancé took in a deep breathe and said, “We’re here for you, Jack. We brought champagne, no specific premeditated reason.”

“Ooooh, this is good stuff.” Arthur said examining the bottle.

Pino, Noki and Kio attached two witch brooms to the roof of Snow’s stretch carriage. Snow held Merlin’s head in her lap as air-travel made him nausea. Arthur stuck his head out to feel the wind blow through his hair, tongue and pointy ears. Improvement in Jack’s mood was shown with washed hair and a change into black clothes. Kio continued to translate for him, and Jack wore black sunglasses to cover his puffy red eyes. Jack’s home city was rainy over its glass walls and many windmills.

On a very tall tower the carriage landed in a stone-bottom pool. The carriage drifted to the edge and the triplets laid anchor on the rails. Jack jumped out first and lead his team inside the home of his brother, Giles. The apartment held many mourners in big hats and many silk scarves covering mirrors.

Jack heard faint whispers bubble into gossip when the guests recognized him. Jack who had been adopted by the influential giantess duchess, after he murdered the rotten and abusive husband of hers. Jack the Spotless was famed for clean suit for no matter how much blood he split never did a drop hit his tailor-made suits. He valued his reputation among the high class, so he let no one hear of his greenified curse. Jack regretted letting his ego keep distance between he and his precious Moon Beam. The one friend who had always loved him through the bleakest points in his life. She deserved the world and Jack hated that he wasn’t there at her end.

The blonde dwarf refused to admit these feelings to anyone. His cursed companions pieced knew enough to show the proper amount of support. Anything said or learned more would be another loss to Jack.

Snow watched her private friend walk with his nose high and his lip stiff. She always admired Jack’s grace and confidence. Snow even liked the beguiling charms of Jack’s avarice. Even three feet tall Jack was a beautiful and stoic man.

A man with a thin, soft form parted from some guest to approach Jack. In the native tongue Jack answered the stunned man’s questions. The man dropped to his knees and kissed both of Jack’s cheeks.

“Bienvenue, mon frère.” Giles said in a wispy voice. “You as well, friends of my, well, petite brother.”

Jack clicked his tongue and walked through the crowd. Kio and Noki followed him while questioning one another on how the heads were made to hold the foofy hats.

Giles walked up and kissed Merlin on his cheeks, then Snow on hers, Arthur on his while Hans held out a hand to shake. Giles gingerly shook it as the red-head dwarf slightly blushed. Pino had disappeared, his friends knew the triplets did not separate for long periods.

Merlin held up a wine glass, the steam curved like a bean-stalk with curling leaves. Tiny gold flecks in every glass and the harpist was most excellent from the other room.

“This wake is so magnificent I almost forgot it’s for a pet,” Merlin whispered and he picked up a crab cake from a waiter’s tray. “We should hire Giles to plan our wedding. Look at the crisp of this!”

“I know we’re suppose to be sharing Jack’s grief but you have got to see the coffin,” Snow admitted with a hand covering her lips, “It’s made with gold, diamonds and a glass cover. It’s the most beautiful reason to die I’ve ever seen.”

Snow and Merlin were grinning with anticipation. A disapproving look from a powdered guest had them turn sorrowful.  At least, by their outward appearance. As the two walked past the other guests they saw Arthur talking to a werewolf in a good suit without shoes. A man with a humongous growth on his back had Hans’ attention as they looked out a window at a large church.

In the parlor was the coffin of the departed Moon Beam. The inky black spots were touched up to look like roses blooming. She had a huge fuchsia bow around her neck and her head rested on a satin pillow. Snow never knew a cow would have such long eyelashes or pearl earrings. Merlin made a goofy noise that she knew was flattering to the dearly departed. Even if he hadn’t the compassion for the animal he was in awe of the care given to her. Snow rested her head on his shoulder, holding her smile in for the sake of the mourning.

Merlin imagined what it was like to love anyone so much that they’d lay such treasures out without ever hearing a thanks. He imagined Snow lying in the coffin, not dead just asleep on a glossy pillar of admiration. The wizard imagined her asleep in the coffin out in the sunlight forest, angelic and too beautiful for this world. Merlin imagined kissing her closed eye lids and her waking up in bliss. Merlin though tit would be such joy when they finally got to tell people they were engaged.

Merlin laid his head against Snow’s dark hair. He wasn’t happy or sad, he just sniffed her hair.

Snow appreciated him as she watched Jack approach the coffin. He squared his shoulders and looked into the precious cow’s face. He stepped back as if bitten. Jack put his nose against the glass and slurred at the dead’s face in a whisper.

“Jack?” Snow asked as he stormed through the guests.

She and Merlin watched him push aside guests’ by their shins until he found Giles. Jack spoke sternly but Giles didn’t look down at his brother. Jack lowered his voice to that tone Merlin knew meant he was seriously furious. Giles looked uncomfortable as he followed Jack into another room. Snow, Merlin and the triplets followed Giles’ by his sun-bright blonde hair into the kitchen. Two guests were kicked out, cigarettes in their hands, and the door locked from the inside.

Pino spoke in triplet to his brothers. They happily grabbed some strange gadgets from their pockets. A cranking noise lead Merlin and Snow to watch a wooden snake reach up the wall and curve into the overhead window.

Guests closer to the door leaned to listen. They didn’t lean too far because the conversation grew louder and heated.

“This is why I hate funerals.” The chef dawrf whispered to Arthur.

The muscular dwarf chuckled, “This is why Jackie loves em.”

A bang from the kitchen had the whole penthouse shake. The concerned Hans gave a look to one of the triplets listening in. Pino waved a hand under his chin in a chopping form. Which scared Hans.

The door slowly creaked open, Jack and Giles walked out looking away from each other. The building triplets followed him like ducklings. Kio stopped by his comrades to inform them that they had to leave.

The seven and Snow stepped into the stretch carriage. Arthur and Noki held the team’s parting gift baskets; Arthur holding five in one arm and Noki balancing four on his hat.

Jack’s red, tear stained eyes were crinkling as his scowl deepened. None of the boys were brave enough to ask what happened with Giles.

“Jack, are you alright?” Snow asked, she watched his green skin strain over the bones tightening around the locket.

The answer came out sharp and low. Noki translated, “That was not Moon’s Ray.”

“Jack, how can anyone te-“ Arthur bit his tongue by the burning blue eyes turning his blood to ice.

Snow gently asked, “Then where is she? Did Giles tell you?”

Jack gritted his teeth when he spoke the answer. Pino cheerfully told the group, “She’s in hell.”

Chapter Text

Sweet Snow put a hand to her heart after hearing the word ‘hell’. Merlin pulled her face under his chin and narrowed his eyes at Jack.

Arthur cleared his throat, “No problem, Hairdo, what’s crossing into the underworld and facing the devil?”

The toned dwarf noticed Merlin mouthing unsupportive swears, Arthur raised his voice, “It’s what good friends do!”

Stoney with a new edge of anger in his voice Jack spoke in French.

“He says not literal hell,” Noki stated chipperly as he nibbled on the wake’s crab cakes. “Just the most miserable place in the world.”

The White stretch carriage flew from Giles’ penthouse and over the city. They flew into plains of farmland and saw a green river bright against the mostly tanned landscape. The Seven realized the green was a humungous beanstalk they were following southward. Some farms had cut tunnels through the beanstalk and others were still chopping through the thick stalk.

After hours of puzzles and crosswords the triplets at the helm said they were coming up to the stump. The Seven and Snow landed at a rundown farmhouse where the enormous trunk had been broken off from the earth. The grey walls were dim against the vines growing through the broken windows. By sundown’s orange rays the Seven and Snow could see the holes in the roof as the rats ran threw the tall weeds on the second floor.

Hans picked up some smells of fermentation, early stages of cheese or barrel mead. The culinary dwarf knew he’d probably find garbage that accidentally smelled appealing, but many mouth-miracles began that way. Arthur’s travel-sword swung before Hans’ nose. Jack at the tilt gave a curt warning.

“He says touch nothing for it grows from venom.” Pino said, his two brothers nodded in unison.

“We can leave right now. Start a new life and forget we knew any of them.” Merlin whispered as they heard shuffling in the bushes.

“Baby, we’ve come this far.” Snow whispered back, she felt something cold touch her ankle and jumped from her spot.

Merlin hugged her and Arthur examined the tall grass for the offending beasty.

“For Jack.” Snow said, she squeezed her fiancé’s slender arm and gently pushed him to join the others walking to the barn.

“Something is wrong about this land.” Arthur stated with suspicion.

The returning son of the Beanstalk used the blade to slice through the long grasses. The group discovered they had to walk over scattered wheelbarrow parts and animal bones as they followed Jack.

Jack’s lip curled as he found the askew entrance. He turned around and pointed to Arthur and Merlin. He clicked his tongue and rolled his shoulder for them to follow him inside. He looked at the others and shook his head as he spoke slowly to Pino.

“Stay sharp and slay whatever comes.” Pino said, Kio and Noki climbed onto his hat so they could look over the rumbling weeds.

Merlin sighed, kissed Snow’s forehead and walked after Jack. Arthur beside him, he looked back and winked at the group.

Hans put his back to Snow’s back, with no one staring at him he was taller than her.

“We’ll all be fine, Hans.” Snow stated, curling her fists and rolling her shoulders.

“Honestly, I want something to whack because this has been a day.” Hans admitted in a not-kidding tone.

The holes in the ceiling allowed light to the center of the barn. Jack walked to a stable while Arthur and Merlin kept their eyes open around him. The boys heard and saw nothing, so they looked back at Jack, who was on his knees before a pile of something that smelled terrible. They heard some whispers that sounded like prayer or wish making. Their friend stood up with a cow-bell in his small green hands.

“Spare yourselves and do not look into the stable. This is all that’s recognizable.” Jack said in the King’s English.

“Oh thank the Lady of the Lake! I understood that flapping, Bub.” Arthur said, relaxing his whole body.

“Jack…” Merlin began but then lost his train of thought. His friend passed grief and heartbreak, now he looked like an incredibly old dwarf with a young man’s complexion.

Something nibbled on Arthur’s boot. He looked down to see a spotted rat boldly chewing on the leather strap. Fortune doesn’t favor you today, you little bastard, Arthur thought as he kicked the rat to the wall.

Stiff upper lip and an ever higher nose, Jack swallowed hard; “There’s nothing more we can do. Let’s go.”

The crack and squeal of the rat’s broken bones alerted Jack worse than a cannon ball.

“Arthur, tell me that wasn’t a rodent.” Jack asked, scooting to the door and motioning for the other two to follow.

“Uhhh, we can get a nice jar and some flowers….” Arthur said though his friends couldn’t hear as a rumbling grew. The first logical thought was a rainstorm was coming inescapably in the clear twilight.

In disgust Merlin noticed the moving shadows were bunches of rats running up the walls. He pulled out a spell-card but Jack beckoned him not to ignite.

“We are surrounded by kindling.” Jack slowly stated. He reached for a rusty hoe and a twisted rake.

The ground shaking and thumping noises reminded the boys of dragons. The buffest dwarf saw rats the size of small dragons. Arthur broke a plank into two splintering stab-sticks. He would not call them spears because they were too short, stabbers would catch on he knew.

The giant rats’ noses flared as they edged closer to the boys. Merlin took the twisted rake and Jack weighed the hoe in his hands. Normal size and large the rats pounced and scratched as the heroes stabbed and crushed through the vermin.

Merlin worried if other rats or worse monsters were outside the barn. He shouldn’t worry about Snow. She gave a beating as good as she could take one but those filthy bastards would fry if they touched his darling.

“We need to get closer to the door and the others. Arthur? Arthur!” Merlin dodged and stabbed the attacking rats, he didn’t see his spikey haired friend. “Do you see Arthur?”

“Oui, he’s digging out a mega-rat’s insides to wear as a pelt.” Jack explained drily as rat blood soiled his funeral clothes.

“Uggh, he’s always wanted a pelt like that.” Merlin said with a roll of his eyes, “We thought it’d be a bear or kelpie but no this works.”

Jack used his dwarf-height to slide under the rats’ and slice open their bellies. “He’s two steps away from running with wolves.”

Merlin chuckled, “Good to hear you snarking, Jack.”

“It’s the way Moon Beam would want me.” Jack said as they stomped on the pawn-rats’ heads.

“I wish I could’ve met her.” Merlin said, he used the rake to scramble the rat’s tail to its’ head.

Jack smiled his tiny smile, “The past is past, we now look to the future.”

The young man and his same age but drastically shorter and greener friend kicked the large rats into their comrades.

“Oh, congratulations on getting engaged.” Jack said as they dragged the dead beasts into a hill to stand over the coming rats. There was no end in sight and the answer was squash and hold in lunch.

“How do-“

“Please, you drop my name at Coccinelle and don’t expect security to tell me? Also,” Jack slapped Merlin’s cheek, he stood on top of the rat pile, “You proposed to that wonderful girl with an OPAL ring??”

“Yeah, it’s ridiculous but she said she isn’t into expensive gems.”  Merlin said in defense of his ring choice. He began to doubt her words when he spoke them out loud. Jack jumped off the mound of smelly death and they ran through the last of the rats.

Jack spat on the ground, “Idiot désespéré, Snow will have stupid children but at least they’ll be pretty.”

“They’ll be stunning.” Merlin sighed as they heard the last squeal of their beady eyed foe as it’s animal soul left its eyes.

The two panted as they stood in the door of the barn. Night had fallen but they could see by the stars and a bonfire blazing a mile away.

“What a nightmare.” Merlin said as he cracked his back.

“Just be grateful none of this woke my mother.” Jack said, checking his hair in his pocket mirror.

Spell-card to lightning, Merlin used his magic to turn the twitching rats into ash. From the blue fire walked out Arthur, a giant rat-head on his head and scaly tail turned to belt. The eyes were gorged out, thought the scars were old. The rat Arthur wore had been blind before his defeat.

“I. Am. Victorious!” Arthur yelled, fists in the air. He was two feet tall and felt twenty feet tall after the carnage he’d seen.

Hans, Snow and the triplets hadn’t seen the mutants, only the young pups. Hans washed and tested the slain rats and they were safe to grill. He used the wild spices from around the Beanstalk and had the flesh cooked just to the right about of tender.

“Snow, we can elope. You don’t need to humor these basket-cases.” Merlin said as he sat next to his fiancé on the blanket around the rotisserie-rat cook-out.

“Bite your tongue!” Snow said, with a hand covering her full mouth.

Jack took a seat besides her, “I warn you he comes with a lot of baggage; bad temper and stubbornness-”

“And he snores.” Snow finished, Merlin pouted in fake offense.  Jack smirked at the mindful soon-to-be-bride.

“So we’re not telling the others until Arthur’s moment is over.” Merlin stated, grateful he’d found a girl who understood his friendgroup.

Pino, Noki, Hans and Kio each chewed as they watched the blood-soaked Arthur regale them with his battle for Rat Kinghood.