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You sat at home just on the computer just like any other normal day. You’re dad just left to go to some baking competition, and you’d promised to watch him. Sighing, you open up pesterchum and a certain someone is online. Dave’s been your secret man crush for a few years now. About halfway through sburb you realize the thing you had for him and forced it down. But lately you’ve been dropping hints everywhere hoping that he’d gets it. He doesn’t though. ‘Act normal, act normal.’ You repeat in your head as you start pestering him.
EB: oh, hi dave.
TG: oh hey
TG: i had to retype my greeting because you typed faster
TG: i hope you appreciate my distress
EB: i did? oops sorry!
TG: dude its cool
TG: you dont need to actually apologize
EB: what were you going to say though i'm curious?
TG: i had this spiel about picketfencetopia and shit
TG: basically winding up with "whats up"
TG: it was elegantly worded
EB: wow dave. just wow.
TG: how dare
TG: anyway
TG: in the blunt words of our generation
TG: sup
EB: you are such a dork.
EB: i'm just really bored.
TG: but john there is a whole world of opportunity available for you just outside
EB: no thanks.
EB: anyways how are you?
TG: bro drunk dialed dominos last night so now were blacklisted
TG: i have to call them from my cell
TG: and pick it up outside the building
TG: im not actually even sure he was drunk
TG: coulda been sleep deprived
EB: pfft. way to go you two!
TG: i didnt do shit this time man
TG: scouts honor
EB: i keep telling you to eat better!
EB: i can't believe you just said that dave.
TG: i was a scout for like a whole summer f u
TG: i got a veggie one this time
TG: totally better
EB: dude.
EB: no and no.
EB: you didn't even do half the activities.
TG: i did the ones that made sense
TG: i even got it half low-fat cheese
EB: see, so you were never officially a scout.
TG: i was on the register for a bit
TG: even sold some cookies
TG: so it counts
EB: dude. no. anyways, eat a salad or something.
TG: what am i a rabbit
EB: human.
TG: so im not eating rabbit food
TG: ill get a healthy option at subway or whatever
EB: dave! you need to eat better!
EB: like an apple or something.
EB: and no.
EB: apple juice doesn't count.
TG: apple juice totally counts
TG: it says each glass is the same as a portion of fruit
EB: no it doesn't. eat a banana.
TG: ew no
EB: yes.
EB: or an orange.
TG: fuck you john you arent my real dad
TG: ill eat what i like
EB: excuse you? i so am.
TG: how the fuck are you my dad
TG: whatever youre saying doesnt count
EB: time travel dave.
TG: ok so then
TG: what does my mother look like
TG: why did you give bro such a shit name
EB: dave you don't even know what your mom looks like and i don't have to explain my actions to you.
EB: but you know i'm joking so it doesn't really matter.
TG: yeah true
EB: do you really think mr. strider's name is shitty?
TG: mr strider fucking christ
TG: not really its just weird
TG: i draw more offence from my middle name
TG: cant you just call him bro
EB: no.
EB: i can't.
EB: i am physically incapable.
TG: wtf man
EB: mr. strider is just me being proper.
TG: proper
EB: it's just who i am.
EB: don't try to change me dave.
TG: when the fuck are you ever proper with me
TG: why does the puppet pornstar get special treatment
TG: i will so try to change you
EB: pfft! you want me to be proper with you?
TG: ew no
TG: oh my god
TG: fuck that no way
TG: it would be so weird
TG: im sorry
EB: hehe! then don't ask mr. dave.
TG: john please
EB: is something wronf mr. dave?
TG: a lot is wronf actually
EB: shut up.
TG: make me
TG: mr john
EB: come over and i will mr. dave.
TG: ughhhh i get lost in your neighborhood
TG: but ok
EB: bluh.
EB: i could go over to you instead?
TG: nah its cool i think i know the way this time
EB: if you say.
TG: and i can always ask a person for directions to the weird egbert kids house
EB: dude! stranger danger much?
TG: i have a sword
TG: itll be fine
EB: you said that last time.
EB: and nearly got hit by my dad's car.
EB: but i'll trust you on this.
TG: your dad drives fast dude
EB: the man wants to cook what can i say.
TG: he is a frantic chef its true
TG: ok remind me when i get to the crossroads with white houses on all sides which way do i turn
EB: see? but he just left for the week.
EB: you turn right.
TG: awesome
TG: whatd he leave for?
EB: i'm like the tenth house down.
EB: cooking competition in canada.
TG: tenth
TG: shit
TG: ive gone too far
EB: right?? these streets are so long.
EB: hold on i'm walking to the front door.
TG: you know i thought the pogo ride looked familiar
TG: ok ok
EB: ok, i'm outside, dude. seriously.
EB: one house too far.
TG: wait are you serious
TG: i didnt even see you
You just shake your head and start waving. You phone buzzes again and you look down to see him text:
‘now I see you’ You raise an eyebrow at it and return your face to its normal derby look as he waves back and jogs over to you. “I keep saying paint the house orange.” You just roll your eyes and step aside to let him in, “Paint it something.”
“Well, we could always paint it white again.” You say as though it’s a passing thought.
“How would that help me? All the houses are white. Make it stand out, be an individual John. Don’t be assimilated, the Borg are dangerous.”
“I am an individual Dave!” You shoot back as you head to the kitchen. You grab an apple juice for Dave and a glass of milk for yourself, “There’s a pogo in the front!” You stick out the apple juice in his direction, “Here.”
“You know I’m right.” He give you that smirk as he takes the juice, “Thanks.”
You roll your eyes and grin. “Whatever dork.”
He takes a few sip of his juice, “Not a dork. I’m a visionary.”
“You are the ultimate dork. It is you.” You sit down on the couch and he flops down next to you.
“Are you sure? Cause I don’t got a pogo in my front yard. As a matter of fact it’s all uniform and orderly there.”
“How could you find this house without that pogo?” You shoot back as a real question.
“You could paint it a bright color.”
You groan, “The landlady would throw a hissy fit.”
“Landladies are oversensitive assholes.”
“We just barely got away with the pogo. She’s so against painting the houses different colors. It’s so stupid!”
“Does she give you a reason beyond her ineffable hatred for joy?”
“No. Just that it’s not an okay thing to do. It’s complete bullshit though.” To be honest you really don’t care about this kind of stuff.
“It’s total bullshit.” Dave’s voice stays and monotone as ever.
“Yeah it is.” You mumble and drink you milk.
“What a fun sucker. She’s like a vampire for happiness.” He swirls is juice and drinks it.
“Speaking of suckers—” You cut yourself off when you remember that’s supposed to be a thought.
“Yeah?” Dave’s looking at you again.
Your mind races. “I have some suckers my dad made. You want one?” You will your voice to remain normal.
“Part of me is remembering times when I have been offered prank food, but alright. Sure.”
You feign offensive. “No man, this is my dad’s cooking! I don’t mess with that!” You say getting up and walking to the kitchen. Your dad really outdid himself with these this time. You pick up two small balls of cake that were dipped in vanilla and given curly designs with chocolate frosting. You go back to Dave and sit again. “They took him like an hour to make.”
“You sure he wouldn’t booby-trap them?” He reaches and cautiously takes one. “They look too pretty to eat. Did he do that on purpose?” You roll your eyes and stuff yours in your mouth. “Wow, seriously?”
You nod and swallow. “Yeah, but they’re so good.”
He bites his in half. “Oh wow. Shit, they are.”
You raise an eyebrow and grin. “Just what you expected and more?”
“They’re fucking heaven on a stick. He could sell these. He could be a millionaire baker.
Your brows furrow, “You didn’t know he was?”
He finishes his quickly. “Then why do you care about your landlady?”
“Because this is a nice neighborhood and we don’t want to move.” You frown a bit, “Moving is a hassle.”
“You could just buy the house.”
“We will eventually.”
“Alrighty then.”
“So, I’m getting bored again. What do you want to do?”
“Am I your personal clown or something?” One of his eyebrows raise and you smile.
“Heh. Maybe.”
This almost brings out a laugh and you smile wider, butterflies already flying in your stomach because you his grin.
His eyebrow remains raised, “What?”
You’ve been caught, so you flop on your back and stare at the ceiling. “Nothing, nothing.”
He starts poking at your side. “What? Share with me the mysterious of your smile oh great one. Your humble jester requests.”
You can’t help yourself and you start laughing. “No way!”
He pokes you again. “I will resort to tickling. C’mon man, what is it?”
“I will tickle you back Dave.” You say it as a fact.
“You can try.” He pokes you a few more times. You grin at his words and sit up quickly. Before he can do anything you tackle his midsection and force him backwards. “Ah shit- no fair!” He lands on his back and starts trying to tickle you again.
“You told me t-“ You burst out laughing. Startling Dave’s hips you begin to tickle him as well.
“This is not what I mean—“ He starts squirming and trying not to laugh, desperately trying to get out of your grip.
You really can’t help when your grin gets wider and you tickle Dave harder. “I will get you to laugh if it is the last thing I do!” You really just want to see Dave smile.
“Not ha-happening jackass!” He covers his mouth with both hands as he squirms under you.
You take the golden opportunity and your hands fly right up to his exposed armpits.
“mmfff!” He chokes out a strangled scream and bites down on his hand, squirming more frantically.
You can’t help the way you say your next words. “Come on Dave, I know you wanna laugh~” You tease.
Dave risks everything when he tries to remove your hands. He bursts out in laughter almost immediately after uncovering his mouth. “Fu-hahahaha-fuck offffff!”
You move your hands down to his sides again, “Never!”
“Asshole!” He gasps out, “C’mo-haha-c’mon man, let up.” You laugh a little with Dave, glad to see his smile, and stop tickling him. You watch as he takes a few deep breaths and raises an eyebrow at you. “You comfortable up there?”
You almost blush, in fact you do. Your cheeks are heating up slowly, but you still nod. “Dave you’re as comfy as a pillow.”
“I bet an actual pillow would be just as comfortable then.”
“Be my pillow Dave.”
“I’m a fucking human being John. I have right.”
“Not in this house. In this house you as a pillow. Simply because you are that comfy.”
“I’m sure if you actually compared yourself to a real pillow, you would find that in reality, I am less of a pillow than it is.”
“Dude, what are you even saying anymore?”
“I’m saying I ain’t a pillow. Also, I can’t feel my legs.”
You’ll agree, he’s not very comfy at all, but god you don’t want to move. You roll your eyes and crawl off him anyways. “I’m not even that heavy!”
“It’s no about heavy it’s about the positions of the major arteries relative to your ass.”
“Yeah, I guess I do have a fuller ass that you.”
“It’s not about how flat anyone’s butt is, but you were sitting on my legs.”
“So?”
“So the blood flow got cut off. So my legs went numb.”
“All by a ninety pound kid.”
“Have you ever held a baby in your lap man? They make your legs go numb too.”
You almost slump in defeat, “Okay Dave. But now what are we gonna do?”
“’s your house man. What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know, there’s really nothing to do. That’s why I invited you! And also—” You take a sharp breath as you cut yourself off.
“Also?”
“Nothing. I forgot. So, uh, how about video games?”
“I don’t think you forgot. You tell me the thing! Stop not telling me things. My delicate feelings are hurt.”
“What, no way dude! I forgot what I was going to say!”
“Sure you did. So tell me the other thing then.” You blink. “You got two options here, and both of them end in you telling me something.”
You play dumb. “And what are my options?”
“You can tell me what made you smile before the tickle fight, or you could tell me what the ‘also’ was.”
“Or we could play video games?” You are about one shitty metaphor away from a breakdown. You’re in love with your best friend. You constantly scream “No Homo.” At him, but you love him. You are so completely in love with him and there’s no way he would ever feel the same about you.
“We can do that after. C’mon man, what’s the worst that could happen?” That’s not what you need to hear right now. You don’t want to think of the worst thing that could happen.
“I don’t know. I just..I really just…I don’t know.”
“Dude, it’ll be fine I promise.”
“Well how do you know?”
“Because I’m a genius. And cause you’re only telling me. So really, I know I’ll be fine and you’ll be fine.” He’s trying to comfort you, and it’s tearing you apart, because you love him so much.
“So if you’re such a genius, why haven’t you figured t out yet?” You snap at him. You instantly regret it, but you still don’t want to tell him.
“That’s… That’s irrelevant.”
“Is it now?”
“Yep. I just said so, and as a genius I know it is.”
“I mean, you’d have to be pretty oblivious not to have figured it out by now.”
“Well, everyone knows you can’t be a genius at everything.”
You sigh a bit and huff out a defeated laugh, “Wow. I guess not.”
“Stop being a jackass and tell me.” You can’t bring yourself to talk for a minute. Dave takes that as, you’re not going to talk period. “Come oooooon.”
“So, you have to promise me something.”
“Ok.”
“You can’t freak out on me, okay?”
“Dude I won’t freak out on you.”
“Because, I mean, you’re my best friend and—ok no. That not how I need to start this.”
“What? Why not? Unless you killed someone I won’t freak out.”
“Um, I just really…”
Are you dumping me as a friend?” You almost answer that with a yes, because you don’t want him as just a ‘friend’ anymore.
“Th-that’s not it!” You say instead.
He relaxes a bit, “Oh, ok.”
“There’s not really a light way to put it is there?” You muse out loud.
“There might be? I don’t know what you’re talking about. If it’s murder probably not, most other things can be pretty casual.”
“Of course you don’t know.” You spit. “You’re so oblivious.”
“Why do you keep saying that, holy shit.” He actually sounds a little pissed.
You have to tell him. You need to tell him now. “Be-because…” How can you say this? “I…” You have to tell him now though, “I really…” It’s now or never. “Like you.” You face goes the ultimate red as you lower your gaze to the couch.
“Like, like-like me?”
You can’t speak, you nod numb and stare at the couch.
You hear him clear his throat, “Well, I wasn’t expecting that.” You don’t even attempt to speak, “I mean from the way you were acting I figured maybe someone had cancer. Jeez John this is good news.”
“Good huh?”
“Well yeah, obviously. I mean talk about oblivious.”
“What’s that suppose to mean?” You still can’t look at him. He clicks his tongue and you feel the couch shift as his warm lips against your cheek. You’re cheeks heat up even more than before. You didn’t think that was possible. The dip is gone as he leans back. “That’s what I mean.”
You need to say something. “S-so you, you like me too huh?”
“Yeah dude. I have for ages. Pretty sure everyone else knew. Why do you think your dad made me sleep on the couch?”
“Well he’s gone for the week. I mean, if you’re up for a sleepover.” You grins like an idiot.
He fake gasps. “Mr. Egbert. I had it in my head you were naturally proper! I’m totally up for it though.”
You laugh. “Alright then! Feel free to stay the night Mr. Dave!”
He snickers. “If you insist.” And his arm comes to rest over your shoulders.
You lean into him. “You know earlier when you asked if you were my clown since you had to entertain me.”
“Uh huh?”
“Well I forgot to say no. Remember I’m your heir and you’re my knight.”
“That you are.”He kisses the top of your head. “Still basically the same thing.”
You giggle. “Yeah.” And the two of you settle in for a day of movies.