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"father forgive me if i sin. you take me as a liar, i know. but i did it because i need to breathe. father, i need to love and you shall not see love as a sin. i met someone once," jeongguk bits a lip and the peachy meat becomes red as he holds it. he thinks about their shared hours (how a priest could make love so beautifully. who teached you this, jeongguk whispered on his chest) and how slower than normal they seemed to pass time together. "a man. he was beautiful and he was kind. he didn't care who i was, what i did to my body when he was absent. who i would give myself to. he never asked once. he'd say only marvelous things about me-- us. about he and i, father. i think, for some hours in january, i was deeply loved."
it's the first time jeongguk enters a church. he wasn't sure if he had clothes fancy enough to go to the house of god. so he cleaned his shoes, picked his better shirt out the depths of his wardrobe. picked nice, blue pants too (one that wasn't horribly tight. that didn't tell from afar: i sell my body at night. do you want to buy me for a few hours, honey?).
churches smell beautifully. if women, they would be immaculate. with small breasts and thin waists. who smell like roses and who love to breed children. they are delicate and they will break if the devil makes them cry.
jeongguk will never fit in churches, it doesn't matter how much he tries.
(he keeps wanting to. for him.)
"could you tell me this man's name?" quietly, the father asks. "this man that loved you so much."
"i don't know if i should." what if something bad happens to him and it was because of jeongguk opening his mouth the wrong moment. jeongguk prostitutes his body. whores learn soon that it's better if they keep their mouth shut -- busy. "i don't want to hurt him," the kid whispers in case the devil is hearing too.
the priest by the other side of the confessional frowns. he locks his fingers together then fixes his small reading glasses.
"you won't, my child. i'm the only one listening to your confessions. i and god, who's merciful and who's universal. there's nothing to worry about."
"what about," jeongguk doesn't know if he can pronounce his name correctly. one would think he would know - how to. - but, he doesn't. jeon jeongguk is a whore (they call him only jk after the day is over and darkness takes its turn to trick the senses) who doesn't know his father's own name. (it's because they call him so many names, in so many languages, in so many lies). "lucifer," he whispers. "won't he be listening to us too? nam-- he. the man that i loved. he told me the good and the evil walked together on earth." one can't live without the other because it must exist a balance, or humans forget how to fear.
silence takes the room. jeongguk feels like he's a cat calmly living inside his cardboard box. he doesn't mind quiet people so he doesn't mind how father takes his time to think about a proper answer to a prostitute. jeongguk receives a question, instead.
"did you say that you loved that man? the one who loved you too?" he receives two questions and, if jeongguk wasn't in a hurry to smile with his bright pair of teeth, he would have noticed how the father's both questions compliment each other beautifully. peacefully. like liability.
like love, like truth, like jeongguk is pure.
"i loved him," jeongguk smiles. he's shy, that's why he created jk (so he could be jk. the prostitute. the saint. whatever they wanted him to be -- his customers. whoever paid higher for his attention. jk was sober and he was drunk. he was an angel, and he was mary magdalene: a little sin). his cheeks are painted pink when he tells, "i still do. there's not a day i don't think about him. god, i'm so sorry if i sin father. but he still sparkles inside of me like calm fire."
namjoon comes to jk -- to jeongguk -- in january, 24th. jeongguk will never forget about this day because it still snowed outside and joon's clothes were wet because of the frozen rain.
namjoon served god as jeongguk served something older than the skies and earth, evilness.
"how old are you?" namjoon asks. jeongguk lies. he was twenty-one that time. but he answers with, "i am twenty-five, sir. why? won't you fuck me if i'm too young?"
"of course not," namjoon says with his fingers over jk's white tights. "and you should not lie, jk. that's one of god's oldest teachings. your family didn't teach you about the bible, did they?"
"of course not," jeongguk huffs, impatient. what's the problem with that man? the youngest sits on the bed they share. namjoon was tall and built so, of course, jeongguk had gotten excited about being dicked down by such a handsome man -- but that was half an hour back. namjoon's meaning of fun seemed to be to talk. "do you think i would be what i am today if they did?"
namjoon shrugs. "maybe. we are all sons and daughters of the same father in the end."
"hum," namjoon was a priest or like, he was studying to become one soon. jk didn't fucking care because one: he needed the money, and, two: sometimes he was too fucking horny to judge what's right and what's wrong. that's god's job, isn't it? (and jeongguk wasn't asking god to suck him some dick. his child was doing all the hard work by himself). "my father doesn't want to give me a punition then," he smirks, toes touching namjoon's stomach where his belt is. "for being such a bad child. a shame."
the father's -- or soon to be father -- face hardens.
jeongguk bits his lips and smiles. that's what he wants (namjoon so mad at him, so mad at the world, he will do nothing but come inside jeongguk the whole night.)
(father namjoon -- so, so mad at himself. where's his holy god now?)
the man's legs are strong enough so jeongguk sits on top of them. he gets rid of the glasses and the brown bangs. he can see his father better like that. jk kisses him and, surprisedly, namjoon seems to know what he needs to do. his hands find a waist and his tongue a neck.
jk moans when namjoon does that - his body turns feverish with an unforgivable truth. "what…" jeongguk stutters when namjoon's hand touches his dick. fucking finally, he breathes. "...what happened to the mother, then?"
"uh?!" namjoon is undoing his belt and pants. he removes his shoes and his socks are blue when most men usually are black or white… (and that's an interesting fact jeongguk saves about namjoon in his heart). "what do you mean, jk?"
"you said before, hyung. 'we are all sons and daughters of the same father in the end.' that's what you told me, right? so… what happened to our mother?"
nobody ever asked him about it before.
that's how namjoon knows jk is special (and he needs to come back to his arms soon).
unlike during most parts of his life, namjoon thinks first and replies second to the boy's uncommon question. "can i fuck you while i think about an answer?"
jeongguk laughs, and namjoon wishes he could bottle sounds. "no hard feelings, namjoon hyung."
"mary magdalene," namjoon murmurs the name. jeongguk smiles with eyes only half open so relaxed is his body. namjoon made love to him, something no other man ever did. namjoon treated him like he was an angel -- one of the fallen ones, perhaps. (sometimes, in the closure of his nights, jeongguk asked himself if namjoon wasn't serving the wrong god. and, in a different way, namjoon asked himself the same things. every time he made love with jeongguk he doubted his powerful god while lucifer laughed. it felt so… so good. jk was so right around his arms. who was namjoon praying to when nobody was watching?) and it felt like perfection. jeongguk wished they weren't a priest and a whore for a minute. "do you know who she is, kook?"
jeongguk sighed. he was tired -- namjoon's cock had been quite a lot, too big for its own good (or jk's small ass). it was a 'no' then.
jk learned about his first mother that evening.
mary magdalene or mary magdala, a poor creature of desire. seven demons lived inside her body when jesus found her. he saved the ruined woman soul from hell.
a prostitute.
a wife.
a follower.
who was she really?
"you see, kook, gospel of luke was the only one who discussed mary magdalene's role in jesus' life and his ministry. he said, 'some women who had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities' in [luke 8: 1-3]. so she also was one of jesus' miracles, right? she was there for his crucifixion and, later, she found his tomb empty with other women -- women were part of His resurrection, kook."
"what church leaders do in return? man sought to downplay her influence by portraying her as a sinner ((a prostitute)). do you understand what jesus was trying to do, child?"
"what, hyung?"
"he empowered women to such an extent early in his ministry, it made some of the men who would lead the early church later on uncomfortable,” namjoon laughs. “and so there were two responses to this. one was to turn her into a prostitute. the other, try to marry her when she clearly was fine by herself. we all carry demons, kook. sometimes we have seven of them living inside our bodies and we don't even know.”
jeongguk dreamed about his mother. mary magdalene
-- a prostitute who only wanted to love --
when jk woke up namjoon wasn't there with him. he would come back to his lover
but less and less.
until jeongguk and the other women found the tomb opened.
jeongguk doesn't know why he starts crying. his tears are silent like mary of magdala's love for her children. "your penitence." father namjoon murmurs. who do you pray to when god is not watching? namjoon whispers jeon jeongguk's name in the dark. whatever creature is listening, that it has mercy on him, a desperate man in love with an angel of mary. "it's to never stop loving me, jeongguk."
it is the first time jeongguk enters a church so he wears blue. blue shirt and blue jeans. as blue as his namjoon's funny socks.
the boy stares at the wall that separates two different bodies. . . two different hearts that beat in sync.
(they learned how to. how to follow the same beat in distance… and how to become one.)
"namjoon--" jeongguk breathes. he touches the thin wall that separates him from his lover with his hands shaking. the morning sunlight hits namjoon's beautiful skin and jeongguk sees the father's tears too, they shine. "it's you…"
namjoon laughs and jeongguk smiles. "you found me, kook."
"i did. hyung, i did," jeongguk whispers. "i prayed everyday. like you thought me hyung, remember? the mother listened to her son and she was merciful. nam, she was, mary was. she brought you back to me."
"jeongguk. jk, i desperately love y--"
what do you believe
when everyone is watching
what do you believe?
what do you believe
when nobody is watching
what do you believe?