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jaemin and i had been best friends since the dawn of time. we both knew everything there was to know about each other. i had always liked jaemin for the little things he did. whether it was helping me carry books to class or giving me a shoulder to cry on when my boyfriend in sixth grade cheated on me. then there were the not so small things like voluntarily getting punch in the face by the school bully when he stood up for me. but i never really “loved” him until one specific night. he was sleeping over at my house and we were laying on the roof looking at the stars together. i looked over at him to see his beautiful smile. the moon light shined on his perfect skin making him look ethereal in that moment. and in that moment i fell for na jaemin.
years past and we only grew closer. we vowed that when we went to high school we’d stay best friends. he kept the promise up until the middle of sophomore year. then he got a girlfriend. as far as she was concerned jaemin was all hers and i were getting in the way of that. but she knew jaemin and i were close so she played nice but i always saw through it. she always shot me looks behind his back and texted me to stay away from him because “who would like a desperate ugly bitch like you” (you’re beautiful btw) when i tried to tell jaemin he grew angry at me. he believed i was trying to ruin his relationship and yelled at me to “keep your stupid feelings away from us because i’ll never love you back”. needless to say he broke my heart. so i stayed away. junior year i became friends with a senior mark lee. he was very sweet and soon became a good friend of mine. the only problem was his friends. who were also jaemin’s friends. jeno, haechan, renjun, chenle and jisung had no idea that mark and jaemin and i all knew each other. so when i showed up one day at their table with mark they were surprised to see jaemin and i stare each other down before sitting.
“so do you guys like know each other or something?” haechan asked tentatively. i gave him a small smile and answered him quietly.
“i used to.” i finished eating and got up and walked away not wanting to watch jaemin and his girlfriend (that he was still with) feed each other and kiss every five seconds. mark got up and followed me out leaving the others wondering what happened. he grabbed my arm as i tried to walk away from him and pulled me into a hug knowing that that’s what i needed. i cried into his shoulder as i let all of the emotions you held in for a year and a half come pouring out of you. soon another pair of arms wrapped around us. i lifted my head from mark’s chest to see haechan smiling down at me. jeno, chenle, jisung, and renjun soon joined and we all just stood in the middle of the hallway hugging. eventually i pulled away and wiped my face. i offered them a weak smile then explained what had happened, how i knew jaemin and what had happened between us. jeno was in shock that his best friend could do something like that and haechan and renjun pulled me into another hug. chenle and jisung didn’t know what to think. how could their hyung be so cruel to someone he’s known forever?
“honestly,” haechan started, “we don’t like her much either.”
“and she’s kinda sorta cheating on him” jeno added cringing a little. i winced knowing how much jaemin liked her and how much it was gunna hurt when he finds out.
“did you tell him yet?” i asked already knowing the answer. mark scoffs and shakes his head.
“we’ve tried. he got pissed and said that we weren’t supporting him and being good friends to him.”
“yeah i know how that goes.” i responded nodding. he winced a little and looked at me apologetically.
“sorry.” i laughed dryly and shook my head.
“no big deal. not to him at least.” we headed off to class together and talk about other things like how prom was coming up (towards the end of their junior year (took time for her to become close with mark)) and who we were going with. we decided to in a group. the rest of the year was spent becoming closer as a group. eventually jaemin became angry at them for being friends with me and forced them to choose. i tried to tell them not to choose me as i didn’t want to be responsible for their group splitting up but they didn’t listen. jeno surprisingly was the second after mark to take my side. he was angry about what jaemin did to me and the fact that he was asking them to choose in the first place. the rest slowly but surely followed. jaemin and his girlfriend were left to find somewhere else to go.
summer came and the six of us spent it together, hanging out almost everyday. we all became incredibly close and were inseparable when senior year came. we went to homecoming as a group ignoring the looks the jaemin and his girlfriend were shooting us from across the room. thanksgiving break rolled around and we spent that together as well. we celebrated and ate until we couldn’t eat anymore and laughed at renjun reprimanded jisung and chenle for eating too much. it wasn’t until christmas eve that i spoke to jaemin again.
i was home alone while my parents were still on the business trip they for a week ago when he knocked on the door. i paused the movie i was watching, put down my hot chocolate and answered the door in my white loose sweater and my red and white striped sweats. there stood jaemin shivering and covered in snow from the heavy fall of it that night. i looked closer and noticed that he had what looked like tear tracks down his red cheeks. I moved aside and he stepped in quickly. i closed the door and took his jacket guiding him over to the fire. we didn’t say anything though i wanted so badly to know what happened and why he was here. i tried to get him to sit but he looked at me with glossy eyes then pulled me into a hug. he started crying and i didn’t know what to do. i was stiff with shock at the fact that the person who i once knew the best was standing here after taking my feelings and tossing them aside like they meant nothing and hugging me like his life depends on it. and the fact that i still loved him after all that time. i got over my shock quickly and hugged him back. slowly his sobs quieted to sniffles and i got him to sit next to me. he sat criss cross stared into the fire.
“she cheated on me.” he said quietly. oh. i opened my mouth to say something then closed it again. what would i even say to him. “she showed me all the texts she sent you and you tried to tell me and i yelled at you. i stepped all over your feelings and had the nerve to come to your house and yet here you are letting me be warm inside your house and not letting me freeze outside. you’re so kind and sweet and gentle and you always have been and i’ve been so awful to you why do you treat me so well when i’ve done such terrible things to you?” i smiled softly at the fire and responded without looking at him.
“because despite what you’ve done you’re still the same sweet, sensitive jaemin i used to know. he’s just been gone for a while.” he looked at me surprised that i could still think of him like that after all this time.
“when i feel in love with you” he started, catching me off guard a little, “it scared the hell out of me. i’m not supposed to feel this way about my best friend. so i got a girlfriend. i pushed you away as hard as i could but it didn’t even work and i know i hurt you so badly and i’ll always be sorry for that because i never wanted to hurt you ever and i still love you i always have i just never even considered the fact that you maybe loved me back because why would someone as incredibly perfect as you want someone like me. i’m a screw up and i ruin everything and push everyone away and i- why are you smiling at me like that?” he said slightly worried about the smile growing on your face.
“i’m so sorry,” you said trying to keep it together. “i really and it’s just… i remembered how you used to ramble a lot when you were nervous. are you nervous na jaemin?” his cheeks flushed a little and he turned back to the fire even though both of you knew damn well he wasn’t cold anymore.
“the girl i’ve been in love with for years in sitting next to me and i really want to kiss her but i don’t know how she’ll respond. what should i do?”
“well you should because she loves you too.” i said teasingly. with that he doesn’t hesitate to lean forward and press his lips to mine right as the clock hits twelve.
“merry christmas nana” i whisper against his lips, using his childhood nickname.
“merry christmas” he whispers back. “i love you.”