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“Goddammit, Estinien. How long has it been since you’ve gone home?” I snarled as I stormed into his room at the Rising Stones.
“What home? The one I almost razed? That no longer has need of an Azure Dragoon? They’re better off without me,” he countered with a scowl.
“You’ve not been back since you rescued me at Ghimlyt, then.” I contemplated slapping the stubborn ass in front of me, crossing my arms to resist the urge. “You are not so incapable of logic as to be wholly unaware that you’ve left him alone and lonely. Why.”
“Buggering hells, woman. He’s better off without me,” Estinien responded with a glare.
“No. No, he isn’t. I ran into him picking up the ceruleum yesterday. He fucking misses you. And frankly, loves you too damn much for his own good, because he will never ask you to return. He’ll just wait and pray to Halone that you will.”
Estinien eyed me warily, “No, you’re the one he’s in love with, and I don’t see you running back to Ishgard.”
My eyes burned bright with tears at that, “Yes, fuck you, too. Do you know why? Have you given why I would do that a second goddamn thought?”
His eyes widened, betraying that he had not, in fact, considered I had a reason. He opened his mouth clearly intending to say something, anything.
I cut him off, “We found out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, during our time on the First that I am tempered to Hydaelyn. I’d suspected for some time before that.
We lost Haurchefant at the Vault not days after he and I had discussed letting our courting be public.
Do you know what happened the night Aymeric and I tried to have dinner? The one time I tried to spend time with him as anything other than The Warrior of Light and The Lord Commander?” I bit the words out such that the capitalizations were audible.
Estinien stared in response, his normally sharp tongue stilled from shock.
“He asked me if I had ever given thought to what I wanted from my life. I never got the chance to even consider an answer because Alisaie showed up to the Fortemps’ three-quarters of the way to dead.”
Hydaelyn has made it quite clear I am not allowed that connection. And it fucking kills me. He needs one of us goddammit, and I quite literally can’t be that one. That is not a choice I’m allowed to make.” The tears that had been threatening my eyes began to fall in earnest.
“So get your goddamn head out of your ass and get yourself home, you hear me?”
I paused to catch my breath and try to stem the flood of tears, realizing as I did so that Estinien wasn’t looking at me any longer but past me.
The bottom dropped out of my stomach. I only knew of one other person who would walk unannounced into a private room containing Estinien.
“How much did you hear?” I asked flatly. I didn’t turn around. The last thing I wanted was to see his reaction to any of these revelations.
The all-too-familiar voice hoarsely whispered, “From when you referenced the First.”
So, all of it then. Fuck. Hydaelyn, please don’t take him too. I’ve stayed away as much as possible as You made it clear that was Your desire. Please don’t take him. Ishgard needs him. The Alliance needs him. I only want him.
I took the coward’s way out. Estinien ought to appreciate it, given sudden exits via window were usually his purview. The Bozjan front still needed people, the aether sickness for a teleportation that far was worth it. I was gone before they made it to the window.
***
The men stared in shocked silence for several moments, watching the point on the next roof where she’d vanished in the blue swirl of a teleportation spell.
“Bugger all. How many of the Scions are tempered then?” Estinien murmured.
The other shook his head, “We have to break it. The temper on her. Didn’t the Scions just find a cure?”
Estinien looked thoughtful, “Yes, with rather a lot of caveats. It requires an enormous amount of aether, and only seems effective for “mild” cases, like the kobald child Ga Bu. For the time being, anyway.”
He paused, then added, “You came in quite a bit earlier than you admitted to, any particular reason why?”
“Because I couldn’t bear to break her heart further by telling her that she still knows me incredibly well. Even stopping by here, hoping to catch you, I wasn’t going to ask you to return. I...” he hesitated, “She knows the two of us far better than I realized. There wasn’t a word she said that was untrue.”
Estinien stared at that admission and let out an impressive string of expletives, “Fury-swiving hell, I was partly trying to stay out of her way. From your expression I gather you’d never told her about us?”
The other shook his head, “Not in so many words, no. But neither did I hide any of the terror I felt when Nidhogg took you. Or my relief when she brought you back.”
“Fury, how much insight can one person have?” muttered Estinien.
A long sigh was followed with, “Come on. Let’s go home. Trying to follow her this night strikes me as exceptionally unwise.”
Estinien stiffened, and might have looked to be considering following her out the window. Instead he also sighed, a sound conveying fear, regret, shame, hope, “Does the city not hate me for what Nidhogg did?”
“There are those who will never understand or forgive, but, we have Vanu and even dragons living in the city now. If Ishgard can get used to them, it can relearn being used to you.”
That brought a wry smile to Estintien’s face, “Fine. Lead on then, my Lord Speaker, let us follow her command.”