Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Atsumu drags himself sluggishly into his room of the shared apartment complex with the rest of the team. For now, he was alone the team went off for a team dinner, Sakusa naturally declined but didn’t return to the complex.

He could finally drop the façade he keeps up around the team, he drops he duffel next to his bed complementing if he should change or just drop into the bed with what he’s currently wearing. Going with the latter, he faceplants.

He lets his drooping eyes close with the promise of sleep after a grueling practice. Except, sleep doesn’t come. It hangs over him like a thirsty man trying to drain out the last few drops of water in the bottle before giving up on it.

And that’s exactly what Atsumu did, he gave up on trying to sleep. He rolls over despite his protesting joints, to stare blankly up at the ceiling.

With nothing to do, countless thoughts drown him, suffocate him until he can’t breathe. His vision blurs, something wet crawls down his cheek but does nothing.

 He has done countless attempts to regulate his breathing and, tamp down his thoughts into a cell to keep them trapped until the already bursting cell burst open from the attempts of the thoughts trying to get out.

He eventually does fall asleep but not without tear stained cheeks and, an uneven breathing pattern.

Atsumu has also been a cheerful kid throughout his childhood. He was loud, happy, a bit arrogant, but appreciated everyone around him at the same time.

He found his love for volleyball in middle school, watching the two teams playing against each other and was star struck. Osamu was almost as equally star struck as his twin. After, they wormed their way into the volleyball team in 7^th grade after practicing for a whole summer.

The coaches told them both that they could go far if they would only stop bickering and fighting all the darn time. Atsumu had a gleam in his eye soaking up the coaches’ compliment, smiling brightly he laughs while putting Osamu into a headlock that ended up as a brawl between the two. Right in front of their coach (They got suspended for a week because of that).

Admittedly everything was going well until they hit the first couple months of their freshman year.

The twins have had a glow up since their middle school days, all the girls and some of the guys claimed them the hottest guys in the school. With that Atsumu became more of narcissist and an arrogant brat.

Everybody thought he was just joking, merely playing around, but jokes don’t last for three months straight.

To make matters worse everybody was falling for Osamu which, angered Atsumu greatly. He was supposed to be the better twin! He was quietly seething at the door way of the school while waiting for Osamu to finish telling yet another girl that he wasn’t interested. Suddenly a girl walked up to him with a shy blush on her face. He smiles charmingly that only makes the girl’s blush darken. “M-Miya?” Oh, she’s a stutter. The grin falters a bit but still remains, “Would you like to go out w-with m-e?” He winks and laughs haughtily, “Sure, I mean who wouldn’ want ta’ go out with me? I’m hot!” The blush erases its existents from her face, shyness gone, and no trace of happiness of when he said yes. “Oh,” she replies coldly. “Your Miya Atsumu, I meant Miya Osamu. Not you. You’re to self-absorbed with yourself not to mention a brat.” She finishes off with a glare. To be honest, that stung. A lot, yet he smiles waves her off and tells her Osamu is inside.

The smile drops as soon as she goes inside. ‘This is what happens when you close yerself off from people, they don’t actually get to know you. They just go off by what they see. Not bothering ta’ check if it’s fake or not. Samu’ was right I should stop closin’ up.’ He scrubs at the tears harshly that pricked his eyes.

His twin was still inside he decides to start walking to their house.

---

The amount of confessions he gets that were meant for his brother is a great amount. The amount of insults he gets is a staggering amount, the insults slowly chips away at the façade he has started to put up and suddenly he finds himself with sleepless nights and plans to reform his personality.

The next morning, he wakes up from a restless night of tosses and turns. Grabbing a pair of shorts and a sweat shirt he heads the bathroom before pausing at the mirror. The bags that were only slight crescent moons were darker and more noticeable. Throwing the clothes on, he now makes it his mission to buy some concealer to hide the growing bags.

---

“Hey Tsumu’?” “Hm,” he hums as a reply taking this as a chance to test out the new personality he chose (along to see if Samu’ can see he’s wearing concealer).

“What’s wrong with ya?” Atsumu pulls up a long list of what’s wrong with him, but decides to go for the clueless response. “What do ya mean Samu’?” His voice is lower, tone less arrogant, and lacking any bite in his words.

He scrunches up his nose at how his (Slightly) older twin is acting, “This! This is what I mean you fucking idiot!”

Atsumu winces when his brother raises his voice (Ignoring how the comment) he never raises his voice. “Samu’,” He starts cautiously. “I really don’t know what you mean by ‘this’.” He laughs softly, it sounds fake to him but everybody complained about his laugh being too loud and annoying.

Osamu glares at him trying to figure out just what the hell is wrong with him. Atsumu shoots him a small (fake) smile before jogging up to the school they have suddenly approached.

Everybody glares immediately at Atsumu but then turns to Osamu then their glares melt into confusion. It seems that neither are acting how Atsumu would act when he enters the courtyard. Now Osamu is getting angry (well angrier than before). Why is everybody trying to glare at Tsumu’? Why did he never notice before?

A group of girls plague him taking a close look at his eyes (his and Atsumu’s eye colors are slightly different) they point at him with a thumbs up, with that confirmation everybody turns their glares towards the back of Atsumu entering the double doors.

---

Atsumu walks around humming to the point where it was almost silent, and wringing his hands in a nervous manner eyes darting the left and right.

At volleyball everybody is perplexed by Atsumu’s new personality. Nobody comments on it since his setting was still as good as always.

At the end Osamu drags Atsumu home throwing him on the ground demanding an explanation. He gave a soft but slightly sad smile, shrugging he said, “Thought it was time for a change.” Picking himself off from the ground he goes into the house leaving a dumbstruck Osamu.

---

The next day Atsumu and Osamu leave the house with newly dyed hair (and their bathroom a mess).

As the days and- the rest of year 1 went by he kept up this façade along with another one he would switch to when he felt insecure with the one he was using.

---

As much as he hates to admit it, his twin is what has kept him going, gotten through panic attacks, and rough patches and shit.

So, when Osamu admitted he wouldn’t be continuing with volleyball after high school Atsumu promptly freaked out. First, they fought at practice which turned into an angry walk home then, Atsumu broke down in his room. He was the one who kept him grounded, told him not to lose sight of himself. What would he do without him? If-

Suddenly he’s pulled into a crushing hug before with a few whispers of reassurance in his ear. “Everything’s going to be okay Tsumu’. Just because I won’t be around a lot doesn’t mean I’ll be gone. Make sure ta visit me at Onigiri Miya (After I get the finances to get it started of course,) with ya and yer new team after high school.” He nods his into his twin’s shoulder staining it with tears he didn’t even know had fallen. When his breathing regulates pushes his head of his shoulder, “Now get ya snotty nose off me and go get yerself a shower, you look like ya need one.” Atsumu gives a half-hearted glare before stepping into the bathroom for a shower.

 After he’s done he dries and face and pulls on some clothes Osamu left out for him, he grabs the small bottle of concealer making a mental note to buy more.

When he leaves the bathroom, he leaves it with his head held up, a hint of who he actually was showing through all the fakes.

The smell of Fatty Tuna leads him slightly grinning into the kitchen.

The Miya twins talk about anything and everything unconsciously agreeing that for the rest of their second year and for their third year they would play with their best ability.

------

At graduation both of the twins cried promptly hugging each other (They threatened everyone who saw to forget they saw anything. Atsumu softer because of the façade he was still putting up).

------

-A couple years have passed and both are now 22-

When Atsumu went for the Black Jackals and got approved, his twin was there to congratulate him. A little while later Osamu decided to get serious. “So, Tsumu when are ya planning ta break that little façade of yours?” He asks sloshing his beer around the caramel colored bottle. He was met with heavy silence, flickering his eyes to the other side of the couch he see’s Atsumu feigning sleep in order not to answer the damn question.

“Oi, Atsumu!” At the use of his full name his eyes pop open.

A few seconds of silence passes by before he speaks up.

“Not plannin to samu,” he states quietly. The hint of nervousness and fear slipped into his voice.

Osamu hums as a response urging for Atsumu to keep going.  He sighs frustratingly, hands running through his hair. “I don’t expect you to get it Samu, ya have always been the good one and I’ve been.” He takes a hand out of his hair waving it around wordlessly, yet Osamu got what he meant.

He drops both hands in his lap counting to five, hanging his head.

“What if they don’t like who I am Samu? What if they just get annoyed at me? What if they get annoyed so much they kick me off the team? What will I do then? I have nothing else I’m good at hell! I’m not even that good at volleyball!

Tears make there way down his face making dark spots on his blue jeans. Next thing he knows he’s being pulled into a hug and goes full on sobbing.

“S-S-Samu, w-what if t-t-they end up h-h-hating me but just ke-keeps me aroun’ because the-they p-p-pi-pity me?

He takes in a shuddering breath before gripping onto the fabric of the back of Osamu’s shirt letting out a dry sob not having anymore tears to shed. “That’ll h-hurt more than being kicked off.” He finishes quietly before he drifts off to sleep the exhaustion that he has felt for awhile crept up on him and showered him in waves of it.

His twin sighs hating how Atsumu got himself like this because a few stupid people back in high school (more like the entire school). Prying himself loose he lays Atsumu’s head onto the couch, just then he notices the intense bags under his eyes. “Shit Atsumu, I thought sleeping was at least going well for ya.” He mumbles shaking his head slightly with a worried look.

-----

A week later finds himself in front of the MSBY Black Jackals gym. Taking a deep breath, he remembers to just be himself (except his old self has mixed in with the other personalitys he has put up). Opening the gym doors, he’s greeted by the bright fluorescent lights of the gym and a white net in the middle.

Grinning he runs into the gym, taking everything in with wide eyes. He enters the locker room only to find a small carrot top already there.

He immediately recognizes it as Hinata.

“Shoyo-kun!” He yells out, “Long time no see!” Hinata bounces up and down grinning with excitement that Atsumu is going to be setting for him. “Hello Miya-san!” They both chat away on meaningless subjects while the rest of the team drops into the locker room.

“Hinata my disciple!” A very familiar voice cuts the conversation they were having about dirt (yes dirt) cut short. “Bokuto-san!” The orange ball of excitement went ahead and hugged Bokuto.

They then get into a very animated conversation with each other almost hitting someone.

Atsumu sighs at being lonely once again yet smiles. Going to his locker he puts some necessity’s in there (Along with a spare bottle of concealer for after showers). He waits leaning against his locker idly scrolling through Instagram waiting for the coach and captain to arrive.

He receives a string of text messages from his brother with pictures of how the restaurant turned out, he smiles despite himself.

A few minutes later the coach and captain arrived introducing themselves as coach Foster and Meian-san. They explain how things will work and are free to move into the apartment complex the MSBY are providing for them. They talk about the practice schedule 6:00 AM (which means less for Atsumu to sleep to 7:30 PM. Everybody groans at that but looks excited (except for some of the older members which just doze off).

Finally, they stop talking and tells everybody to get some rest for before practice tomorrow and that the keys for the complex are on a table outside. Everybody grabs a key not sure of the room they picked but Atsumu could care less if it meant he could (not) sleep.

It took a bit, finding his apartment but found it. He steps and decides it's pretty decent before making a beeline for the bedroom after closing the door.

----

The next morning Atsumu can barely keep his eyes open throughout the day.

He successfully managed to keep up with his cheerful attitude though, nobody noticed how he spaced out or moved on auto-pilot stuck in his own thoughts trying not to have a breakdown.

In the middle of practice Meian called a water break and he couldn’t be anymore grateful. He stumbles into the locker room where he left his water bottle in his locker. Fumbling with the numbers through heavily lidded eyes he manages the locker open.

Grabbing the water bottle he unscrews the cap and drinks about half the bottle, he then closes his eyes even with the probability of falling asleep right then and there.

Which he does.

Being a fairly light sleeper, he hears everyone leave the locker room, and reluctantly open his eyes. Atsumu sighs tiredly, puts his water bottle away closes his locker and heads out.

---

Nearing six o clock Atsumu promptly passes out due to the lack of sleep and the harsh training.

---

He wakes up in his apartment on the couch. Rubbing his eyes he slowly takes in his surroundings, spotting a note on the coffee table he grabs it.

Atsumu,

You’re excused from practice for the next three days. You looked ready to pass out at practice all day then you did.

Please take this time to rest up those bags under your eyes are horrible.

-The team

He groans. Re-reading the note several times, jumping up he runs to the bathroom to see the concealer fade away from the sweat from practice.

‘I should really buy the waterproof one,” he thinks while grimacing at his reflection. He takes a washcloth to wipe of the rest of it, ‘Maybe buy something that won’t have me pass out during practice.’

Sighing lightly, he goes back to the couch taking his phone that was left on top of the note.

He frowns slightly at the string of messages left from his brother and teammates. Shutting off his phone he opts for a shower then go out and buy somethings.

---

Atsumu walks to the local supermarket, grabbing a basket from the entrance. Browsing the fruits section, he grabs a few apples and oranges. Tensing when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

He hurries to the makeup section grabbing the first available waterproof concealer (in his skin tone of course).

Atsumu’s about to pay when he pauses at an ad for a pill that will keep you awake 10hrs straight.

Eyes widening in glee, he quickly asks one of the clerks to point him the direction of it. Once he has it he walks with a pep in his step happy that he’s found the solution to his problem.

Once he pays, he’s practically grinning. The cashier watches him leave with a curious look.

He arrives at the apartment at 9 PM. Putting everything away he collapses on his bed greeted with a short slumber.

Two hours later he wakes up feeling the tiniest bit refreshed, he thanks whatever god is out there before grabbing his phone from his pocket to responded to all the messages he got throughout the day.

Samu’

Tsumu, you fucking Idiot why’d you pass out?

Samu

Why the hell are you not replying!?

Samu

WHAT THE FUCK TSUMU WHY HELL AREN’T YOU REPLYING

Samu

IF YOU DON’T FUCKING REPLY TO ME IN THE NEXT 2 MINUTES I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU

Samu

KNOCK KNOCK BITCH I’M AT YOUR FRONT FUCKING DOOR!!!!!!!

That was the most recent message, ironically a series of loud knocks is heard from his apartment door.

Atsumu gets up grumbling about stupid brothers and the worse timing ever.

Throwing the door open he’s greeted with an angry Osamu and a Suna eagerly watching.

“Did ya really have ta bring Suna, Samu?!” He says vaguely gesturing.

“Did ya really HAFTA IGNORE me!?” He winces at the volume of his brother’s voice, he never really yells so he hasn’t gotten used to it.

Osamu glares at him before pushing past him with Suna in tow.

He glares at the hallway before shutting the door and momentarily thinks about knocking himself out with it.  “TSUMU GET YER ASS OVER HERE!”

He winces again making his way to the kitchen (surprise surprise). He glares at Suna who has his phone out probably recording the whole time for something to laugh at later.

“Samu get yer fat face outta my refrigerator!” With a hearty snap the refrigerator door is closed, he wishes his twins face was back in it because the look of anger on his usual bored looking face is unmistakable.

Suna seems to understand the intensity of the situation when he excused himself to the living room.

“Why the hell aren’t you fucking taking care of yerself!” Osamu asked not quite yelling, “You were like this in high school too! What the fuck is wrong yer ass!?”

Atsumu stands there in shock, slowly digesting the words he knows his brother meant well but it still fucking hurt.

Instead of replying he laughs, a slightly crazed laugh. He runs his fingers through his hair to find some type of anchor.

“There’s nothing wrong with me Samu, I’m the still the same person I’ve been!” He ends with a hollow grin. That only seems to make Osamu madder, he looks like he’s at the point of pulling out his own hair.

“WHAT PERSON!? YOU’VE HAD SO MANY PERSONALITIES I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE ANYMORE! AND I’M YER TWIN! THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING ATSUMU!”

Atsumu stands there with a stupid grin on his face not knowing what say, every thought in his being went to focusing to where his feet met the tile floor.

Osamu breaths in and out, trying to avoid snapping at his brother anymore.

“Look Atsumu, ya needa start keeping better care of yer self. Don’t pass out at practice anymore.” He says with a half-assed attempt of a joke.

Atsumu vaguely registers himself nodding before Osamu and Suna left.

It takes a few minutes before everything catches up with him, once it does his knees slam onto the floor.

He grips his chest breathing suddenly becoming impossible. Tears blur his vision, pain and panic constricts his chest.

Hyperventilating he claws at his chest trying to breath.

He counts, but the numbers get jumbled up and he starts over only for it to be drowned out by self-deprecating thoughts.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been, it seems he’s lost control and everything is going downhill, along with his consensus.

He passes out from the lack of air in his system. Eyes still filled to the brim with tears he closes them.

He faintly registers that it’s easier to breath this way, asleep with the darkness wrapping around him like a blanket.

----

He wakes up at 4 AM with a stinging headache. Groaning he gingerly picks himself up from the floor dragging himself to the bathroom to wash himself up.

20 minutes later he steps out of the apartment with a sweatshirt on and some shorts getting ready for a run.

This continues for the next couple of days with minor panic attacks, 4 AM runs, and (when Meian deemed him fit enough to play) volleyball.

-----

Chapter Text

Ello, so- I am not discontinuing this. Cause maybe some of you genuinely enjoy this story? I don't know but, I am instead going to be re-writing this. I re-read through the chapter and found myself cringing the entire time another factor is, I have no idea how continue it so! Yes I will be re-writing this story and going to be posting it under a different name and on the same account so yeah. B y e see you in the re-write hopefully