Chapter Text
“What about the blue one then, Dorothea?” Inez heard Thea’s mom saying so she looked from her phone to the two women standing in front of the mirror. Inez’s mouth fell open and she had to look away to get a grip of her traitorous heart, eyes and body. Thea was beautiful in the yellow dress. Prettier than anything Inez had ever seen. She looked like the sun and when she met Inez’s eyes in the mirror, the sun shone bright red and Inez felt like she had been punched and burned and scattered across the galaxy. And she liked it.
“I just don’t like it, mom. I actually don’t feel like going to the ball.” Thea said making her mom’s eyes widen so much that they almost fell off the sockets.
“Of course you have to go to the ball.” Her mom said as if she was saying of course you have to breath. “Inez, my darling…” Thea’s mom started making her daughter roll her eyes. “I know you love balls. I remember you two dressing up and running around the house in my high heels when you were little. You two used to say that you would win the crowns to the Mirrorball’s Royalty.” Thea’s mom sat next to Inez on bed and took her hand with so much love and care that Inez almost hugged her. “Tell that stubborn of a daughter that she’s beautiful and that you two have a prize to win.” She finished nudging Inez to talk. Inez opened her mouth but the vision of Thea’s pretty amber eyes distracted her.
“Stop harassing my best friend, mom. She has a mom of her own even if you had been wanting to switch us since we were ten and you realized that Inez liked dressing up more than I do.” Thea said starting to take off the dress and making Inez look away blushing. It was funny, Inez thought. At school and with everyone else, she was this really confident, talkative, occasionally gossiper of town girl; high up in the hierarchy of the school. People would tell that they couldn’t believe a word she said but it wasn’t really true; they just didn’t want to believe it. Like Betty didn’t want to believe Inez when she told her about James and Augustine. Betty only believed when she confronted James and she confirmed that the rumors were true. She didn’t tell Betty out of cruelty but because she didn’t think people should lie to the ones they love; specially if they loved you back as much as Betty loved James. As much as she still did.
But when Inez were with Thea, all her walls gave up their protection for Thea to walk freely inside Inez’s heart. Next to her, they were still small girls giggling on bed instead of sleeping; they were still the same girls that would skip class and meet under the bleachers to watch Hollywood shows and dream about a life with glamour and fame. But in all honesty, everything Inez always dreamed was of a life with Dorothea.
“I totally agree with you, Claudia. She’s beautiful and that crown will not be the only thing she’ll win this night. Boys and girls will be pilling up to take her dancing.” Inez said swallowing down the need to say that her own heart was already there for the taking; and must probably the crushing. Thea laughed then. That beautiful loud and happy laugh. The one that squeezed Inez’s heart.
“As they should, I mean…” Thea said pointing at her body, the top crop and shorts making her look like too foreign to this town’s old fashioned traditions and little opportunities. Thea’s mom, Claudia, shook her head and turned to Inez.
“Aren’t you going to show me your dress?” She asked making Inez smile. Inez loved her mom but dressing up was never a passion they shared so Thea’s mom was always the one she ran to when she wanted a fashion advice. Thea too when she wasn’t being specially stubborn like today. They both loved to go to the mall and spend their month’s saving in makeup, dresses and high heels.
“It’s going to be a surprise. You’ll see it tonight.” Inez said smiling hopeful. She had been working in this dress forever. She had made it herself. No one knew about it besides Claudia but even her hadn’t seen it yet. Inez wanted to surprise Thea because in their dreams Thea was always a movie star and Inez designed the glamorous outfits she was wearing to the Oscars. Inez smiled thinking about that.
“By the smile in your face, I’m sure I’m gonna love it, honey.” Claudia said kissing her forehead. “I hope you cleaned up that old truck you drive around like a rowdy.” She said making Thea and Inez throw themselves back on the bed laughing.
“I like my truck muddy and loud because it makes me seem badass but yes, I washed it this morning.” Inez said when she managed to stop laughing. “Now I have to go or I won’t have time to get ready.” She stood up and walked to the door of Thea’s bedroom stopping just a second to smirk at her. “I hope you save me a dance at the ball tonight.” Inez said in an ironic tone that was supposed to calm her damned heart but actually did the opposite. Thea huffed.
“You’re my date. It’s almost an obligation to dance with you.” Thea said and Inez closed her eyes thanking some higher deity that she didn’t swoon at the spot when she left her bedroom. When she was about to leave the house, Thea’s dad winked at her telling to swipe Thea off her feet tonight. Inez almost facepalmed herself; apparently her crush was apparent to everyone but to stupid Thea.
Inez went home then. She drove like a crazy woman. Her damn house never felt so far as it was today as she went home to prepare for their last ball. School had finished last week and their graduation would be in five days in the same day as Inez’s birthday. But today was the Mirrorball. They had balls every year since the fifth grade but the senior year’s ball was different. It was magical, everyone said. Glinting glass hanging from the ceiling making the place look like lightened up by stars, people dancing like it was the last time; as in a way it was because it would be the last time these people would hang out together as kids. Ever since Inez was ten and Claudia would tell stories of how she and Thea’s dad had their first kiss in there. Inez had been hoping she would have her first kiss in there too.
She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. She was beautiful. She touched the fabric of the dress and tilted her head thinking about how Thea would touch this same dress in a few hours as they lost themselves in the dance floor. Inez’s hand traced a path up her body until her hand found her breast right above her heart and thought about how funny it was that she had spent months making this dress but she couldn’t care less if Thea ripped it apart as they kissed and lost themselves in something other than dance; how she had made this dress just so she could take it out. Her wondering mind was snapped away from her daydreams by her phone ringing on her bed. Thea’s ringtone.
“Hello, I hope you’re ready or else I-” She started but Thea stopped her.
“Hey, can you pick me up?” Thea said making Inez frown and look at the clock. The ball would start in one hour so they still had some time.
“Already?” She asked.
“I’m not going to the ball.” Thea said making Inez sit on her bed or else she would fall.
“What? Why?” Inez asked, her eyes still on the mirror that just seconds ago guided the path of her imagination.
“Mom’s stressing me out. She thinks that I have some kind of obligation to win just because she won, like, a thousand years ago.” Thea started and Inez heard her mom screaming at her that talking about her age had been too much. Inez would’ve thought that it was funny if it wasn’t for the slight stinging that her heart was now experiencing. “I mean, we’re only going there to dance. I can think of somewhere better to do this.” She said. Their spot, she had meant. Inez was about to say no when she noticed that Thea’s voice wasn’t actually bored as she was trying to make it sound for her mother and probably father to hear. Her voice had wavered when Inez didn’t say anything. And no one else would’ve noticed but her voice had also cracked when she breathed in and said: “Please, Inez.”
“I’m picking you up in ten.” Inez said hanging up the phone before Thea heard her trembling breathing. She stood up and looked herself in the mirror one last time before she took off her dress and settled for a simple floral yellow one. Before leaving her bedroom, she looked at the box her dress was and shook her head. She could wear it to her birthday next week.
When she arrived at Thea’s house, she was already outside sitting on the front porch while her mother talked to her. When they looked up, so lost in conversation that they didn’t hear Inez’s truck coming, Thea jumped up and ran to the truck followed by her mother.
“Come on, Dorothea, just stop and listen. For once in your life don’t be so stubborn.” Her mother was saying but Thea didn’t look at her so Claudie tried to talk to Inez. “She’s out of her mind, Inez. Just convince her to stay.” She said making Inez frown at the way Thea looked away before breathing in as if mustering courage and then looking at Inez.
“Just drive.” She said but Inez’s attention was on Claudia’s tears.
“Inez, honey, the Mirrorball had been your dream since you were little. You worked so hard on your-” Claudia started but stopped when Inez’s eyes widened and she looked away. Claudia was talking only to her as if Inez were her own daughter when she said the next words. “Are you sure you’re gonna miss the ball? I know how you feel.” She said but Inez didn’t loom in her eyes when she turned on the car and said:
“I’m sure.” And then she drove away. She drove to their school ironically. While all the cars went to the gym where the ball was happening, Inez drove to the camp. She stopped right in front of their bleacher. They left the car, Thea so silent that it unsettled Inez. When they opened the door of the small room that used to be used as storage, Inez smiled at the fairy lights remembering how they had almost been caught when they were coming here to hang it. That they had been able to keep this place a secret for three years was a surprise. When they were in freshman year, the school built a new gym with storages room so this small room under the farthest bleacher had been forgotten. They had stolen the key and used it as hiding stop for the next years. It eventually became their place. They had sure put an effort in making it look like them. They had painted the walls blue and hang fairy lights and pictures. There were snacks and even pillows. Thea sat on one of the pillows and looked at Inez with huge eyes.
“I have something to tell you.” She smiled but Inez knew she was faking it. She always knew. “It is actually why my mom and I were fighting.” Inez nodded silently and then sat across Thea.
“What is it?” She asked even if inside her she knew that something big was about to happen; something that would change them forever.
“I told my mom but she’s not like you.” Thea said reaching for Inez’s hand and intertwining it like they usually did. Inez thought that it fit perfectly. “But you…” Thea said with a smile and that one was real, hopeful. “You would always have my back.”
“Of course I would.” Inez said.
“I got an opportunity.” Thea said and Inez tilted her head confused.
“What?”
“I sent an audition tape to a movie about eight months ago.” Thea started and so did Inez’s sinking feeling. “I thought that they didn’t like me since I had no answer from them since then. But yesterday, they called me.” Thea said and in her excitement she didn’t see Inez’s heart shattering right in front of her. “They called me and told me that they want me to go there to film my first scene.” She was smiling more than Inez had ever seen her doing. More than Inez had ever caused her to. “They want me.” She finished and then looked Inez in the eyes. Inez noticed then her fear that Inez would hate her; that Inez would resent and refuse to congratulate her.
“That’s amazing.” Inez managed to say somehow. “I can’t believe it. Of course that I’m happy for you.”
“I knew you would.” Thea said throwing herself inside Inez’s arms and Inez prayed to god that Thea couldn’t feel how her skin was cold as the fear sunk in her stomach. “I love you.” Thea whispered in her ear inside her hug. It was too much. It was wrecking Inez apart and the worst was that Thea didn’t even realize it.
“When do you have to go?” Inez asked already fearing the answer.
“Tomorrow morning. I’ll take the 6am train.” She said and again Inez felt her world being swiped away from her. Ironic that Thea’s dad thought that she would be the one doing the swiping tonight. “But don’t worry, I’ll be back next week for your birthday and or graduation.” She said still hugging Inez. Inez thought then that the reason Thea didn’t let her go, that they were still hugging, was because Thea couldn’t say these thing looking in Inez’s eyes; that maybe it would be too much and her determination to go chase this opportunity would falter. “You’ll be there, right?” She asked and Inez felt like she was asking her to tear apart her chest with her own bare hands and pluck out her heart in shreds and give it to her. And Inez did.
She was there next morning. Not that any of them went home that night. They slept under the bleachers, arms and legs intertwined even if their hearts couldn’t be more apart. Thea’s mom tried to get her to stay when they stopped at her house to pick up her bag. She tried to plead with her daughter and when it proved inefficient, she pleaded to Inez. She almost begged and Inez, that was holding herself from doing the same, couldn’t even muster a word. Not even when Thea’s mom looked her with knowing eyes and pity and said that she was letting her go without trying one last shot. But it wasn’t fair. Inez couldn’t ask Thea to stay just as Thea couldn’t ask Inez to go. They could love each other deeply, at least Inez did, but they couldn’t ask the other to give up dreams in name of the love. She would never corrupt this pure love by trying to cut shorter the invisible string that held them together just to keep Thea here. Because she knew that Thea would stay; or she hoped that she would. It was the only thing holding Inez together right now: the thought that she would have stayed if Inez had asked.
So she watched her leave. She watched her get in the train, wide smile and shining eyes that Inez imagined that would never shine as bright as they did here next to her. She watched her looking through the window and waving goodbye and she watched as the train left away carrying her heart. The pain was physical and she held her hand to her chest as if she could plug the hole she had made. She didn’t know how long she stood there staring at the direction the train had gone even long after it had departed.
“Hey.” She heard behind her and she noticed that her eyes were stinging from holding back tears. She would have been embarrassed if it weren’t Betty right in front of her. Betty, that had ran away from her own party to avoid choosing between telling James to go fuck herself or forgiving her for betraying her trust. Betty, that switched all her homerooms because the pain of staring at James’s regretful eyes and Augustine’s broken ones when she found out that James were never hers even if she had been James's.
“Hey.” Inez said.
“I saw Dorothea taking the train.” Betty said, the pity in her eyes making Inez realize that she had guessed that Thea had left and Inez was heartbroken. Again another person that realized that Inez was totally and irrevocably in love with Thea.
“She-” Inez started but her voice wavered and she trembled and the tears she hadn’t dared to let fall until now came in a flood that threatened to run her dry.
“I’m sorry.” Betty, sweet and big-hearted Betty, said hugging her. “I know how you feel.” She whispered into Inez’s long curly hair.
“I couldn’t ask her to stay. I just couldn’t break her heart.” She said what she didn’t say to Thea’s mom. When Betty looked in her eyes, Inez saw that they were thinking the same thing. Instead you broke yours.
“You love her.” Betty said and Inez nodded half laughing. So stupid that she ever thought that she had been good at hiding; that she felt that she needed. Right now, heartbroken and left, she didn’t know why she did it.
“I do. But now she’s gone.” She said with some kind of fateful conviction that she didn’t realized she had until now. And now that she said it out loud, that she let it sink in its meaning, she broke down crying violently on Betty’s shoulder. She cried for so long that she lost track of time again. When she finally stopped, they had sat down on a bench next to the train station. “Did I-” Inez looked around. “Did I make you lose your train? Were you here to take a train?” Inez asked embarrassed.
“Yes.” She said making Inez grunt.
“I’m so sorry.” She started but Betty dismissed her apologies with a single gesture of her hand. Betty had always been this caring.
“I was actually going to take the train to run away from James.” She said; apparently heartbreak made them kindred spirits because Betty started to talk to Inez of all people about it. “She went to my house, you know.” Betty looked away. “After the ball, she went there and stood there for what seemed like hours; maybe it was.” Betty frowned shaking her head. “I wished so hard that she would just give up. Turn away and leave my door. That we would meet once again in the graduation day and then nevermore. But she knocked and I just…” She thrilled off.
“You opened.” Inez guessed. Because that’s what she would’ve done. Betty nodded.
“But as soon as I saw her face I just couldn’t say that I forgive her and after she broke my heart.” Betty looked at Inez. “I tried to tell myself that it was my fault; that I had caused her to do that because I wasn’t ready to be with her. But it’s not fair because I loved her and the only thing I asked in return was for her to love me as much and if she did she wouldn’t have slept with Augustine.” Betty finished and Inez nodded. She understood. “And when blaming myself didn’t work, I tried to blame Augustine but then I look at her, barely 16 and just as heartbroken as me over someone that had never been hers when she gave herself and know that the only one to blame is James. She was the one wrong.”
“What are you going to do now?” Inez asked.
“I was going to hop on that train and go early to university. My dad is traveling so I would just tell him that I decided to enroll early but then I saw you here and I thought that…” Betty looked away blushing sweetly like she did. Everything about her was so sweet that people were afraid to break. Even her father, that after losing her mother set off traveling for work, treated her like a glass doll that he convinced himself that he should stay away because it screamed fragile.
“What did you think?” Inez asked curious.
“We could help each other out.” Betty bit her lip. “Be there on graduation and then I set off to university. You too, right?” Betty asked and Inez nodded trying to push away memories of her and Thea applying to the same college and promising to only enroll in one that had accepted them both. “I heard you’re going to the same city as I’m going to.”
“Yes, different colleges but same city. Thea and I-” She stopped herself and Betty took her hand.
“If you need some company there, you can call me up. I also don’t know anyone there.” Betty said and it was Inez’s time to look away. She wanted to say that she would be back just next week for the graduation and Inez’s birthday but she decided to keep it to herself. The heartbreak wouldn’t be so hard if people didn’t think she was expecting something to begin with. She nodded. After leaving Betty at her house, she drove to her own. When she saw the box with the dress, she closed it expecting to wear in a few days but knowing that she wouldn’t for a long time.
And she was right. Thea called one day before to tell that she had gotten it; her big chance. She couldn’t come back. Not for a few months. Inez wished her the best of bests and she meant it. There would never be a day she wouldn’t wish the absolute best to Thea. When she left town to go to college one day after her birthday, Thea’s mom and dad were dad along with Inez’s own mom to say goodbye. And the shoulder Inez cried as the city light stayed behind from the night train was Betty’s. And Betty cried too and that somehow bonded them forever.
“Betty, I’m totally going to kill you.” Inez screamed from the door as soon as she entered the house they shared. Betty, lazily thrown on the couch with an oversized cardigan and a cat as lazy as her, jumped out of the couch at Inez’s words.
“I know that you’re angry.” Betty said rounding the couch as Inez did the same trying to put distance between them as Inez tried the opposite to et her neck.
“That’s an understatement.” Inez said jumping the couch and losing Betty for just a few inches. The other woman escaped and went to the other side of the living room.
“You love Claudia.” Betty said with those big puppy eyes of her.
“She’s here, Betty.” Inez grunted moving fast to get Betty. She managed to jump on her and they both stumbled and fell on the floor. Inez put her hands around the damned woman’s neck even as she laughed. “Can you stop laughing please? It takes out the pleasure of killing you.” Inez said and that only made Betty laugh more. Inez grunted again and then threw herself off Betty on the floor beside her. They stood there until Betty nudged her lightly.
“I’m sorry. I know that she's here but it’s time for you to stop avoiding her. You don’t even know if she’ll be really there.” Betty said. Inez glared at her.
“I don’t avoid her.” She said and Betty raised an eyebrow. “I don’t. I just don’t see the point in rushing to her parent’s house as soon as she’s in town.”
“Did you ever do that?” Betty asked ironically. “From what I recall, you usually fall sick during Christmas and don’t leave your room till the 26th when she’s gone. You have to face her sometime”
“Actually, according to my excruciatingly detailed document that I send you so you could also apply it to your situation, no, I don’t have to face her.” Inez said punching Betty lightly.
“Come on, it can’t be that hard. You see her all the time in the TV.” Betty said smirking. To think that Inez ever thought of her as sweet.
“I don’t.” Inez said even as her growing blush contradicted her.
“Of course you do. And the interviews and don’t think that I don’t know that you go visit her mom every week in hopes that she’ll let slip something that you didn’t manage to stalk on her social media.” Betty said and Inez sighed. It was pointless to lie to Betty but Inez was Inez and she did it anyway even if she knew that Betty knew.
“I go there because my mom died and Claudia is the closest thing I have of family.” Inez said. Not a lie but also not the whole truth.
“Ouch. I thought that after so many years living together I would gain citizen status in your family country.” Betty said making Inez scoff and bump on her shoulder. Ever since they left town to go to college eight years ago, they had been living together. First when they shared a small apartment during college and second when they came back to town after they finished college and they shared a house because Inez’s mom had died and Betty’s dad was still always traveling and they couldn’t pay for the rent alone. After a couple of years, they could pay it alone and move into different houses but they liked each other’s presence. Their crushed-soul energy complimented each other.
“I can’t see her, Betty.” Inez said laying her head on her friend’s shoulder. “As fucked up as it is, I don’t think I will even recognize her or know what to talk if we meet.”
“You don’t have to talk if you want.” Betty said softly. “I think it’s going to be good for you. After all these years, we have a bunch of failed relationships on our shoulders. I was thinking and Inez, we mystified those relationships we had in the past. We put them in pedestals and adorned out time with them so much that I sometimes wonder if something really happened or if I wished it into memory.” Betty half laughed and then looked at Inez. “They’ve been haunting every relationship. I think that if we meet them face to face after all these years, we’ll finally be able to move on.” Betty put a curl of Inez’s hair behind her ear. “I wish I could meet James instead of always walking with one eyes open expecting that anytime James would materialize in front of me when I least expected. You have this opportunity to demystify Dorothea. You should take it.”
“That’s the thing, Betty.” Inez shook her head. “It was never a relationship. It was a road where we took a detour before we could reach this point. It was never taken.”
“Then it shouldn’t be so hard to forget something it never was, right?” Betty said smiling but they both knew the answer.
And as they stood there staring the ceiling as if it could give them the answer they needed, the only thing in Inez’s mind was one single question that always plagued her.
“Hey, Dorothea, do you ever stop and think about me?”
“You have to be back before Tuesday.” Her agent said and Thea rolled her eyes.
“I know.” She said irritated. After she hand up the phone, she looked outside. She hated to come back to her hometown. She did this every year as an act of self-hurt that she should probably discuss with her therapist. She did it for her parents, she told herself but the truth is that she could ask her parents to come to her house during Christmas. Damn, she could tell them to pick one fucking house that she owned and spend holidays there but for some reason that she knew well what was but that she liked to pretend ignorance about, she came back every single year. It was only for three days but it was always enough to guarantee a year of memories that she would pretend that she wanted to forget. Thea laughed at the stupidity while she took a sip of her wine.
“Was it you agent?” Her mom asked snapping Thea out of her mind.
“Yes. Remembering me that I have to check in in prison Tuesday.” She said smirking and making her mom roll her eyes. Then she noticed that her mom was wearing her going-out clothes with a scarf and hat. She frowned. “Where are you going?”
“I told you I’m helping in the kids choir this year. Have you not been paying attention at all?” Her mother asked and to be honest, no, she wasn’t. She never did when she was in this town. When she was so close to her and yet so far. “I started it in January. Ever since my daughter left me that I’ve been enrolling in these kind of activities to entertain myself.” She said joking but it made Thea feel a little guilty so she offered:
“Do you want help?” She asked and her mom stopped mid-step, as surprised as Thea was with the question.
“Honestly, Dorothea, yes, I do. Help me with these clothes.” She said pointing to a huge bag. Thea looked inside pulling a dress out.
“Wow, this is beautiful. Will the kids wear this while singing?” She asked noticing how carefully done the the dress had been made. Someone had spent a lot of time working on these clothes.
“Yes, they’ll wear it in the Christmas Play. The song will be during the play. Today is the last rehearsal.” Her mother explained with a weird look.
“What?” Thea asked and her mother took the dress in her hand and put back inside the bag pulling out another little masterpiece. “Did you like the clothes?”
“Yes.” She said touching the soft fabric. “It’s very well done. I didn’t know the school now paid someone to make clothes. In my times, the parents had to volunteer or one poor teacher would have to assume the job.” Thea joked and her mom’s smile was odd.
“It’s a volunteer that made these clothes. You’ll meet her.” Her mother said turning around and going to the door before Thea could ask what that weird smile was about.
When they arrived at the school and Thea parked the car on her old usual spot between the school and the church, the memories hit Thea hard. Inez’s long curly hair against Thea’s black straight one when they laid on the pillows inside the room under the bleachers. Sneaking out of class to gossip and dream about fame. Sitting on the bench of the park, Inez’s head on her lap and her fingers inside her huge hair, so tangled in it that it sometimes felt like both tapestries of their lives had been so intertwined together that she barely knew when she ended and Inez started. The almost first kiss they had under the very bleacher where Thea broke Inez’s heart.
Thea stopped. She wasn’t stupid. Never had been. She knew she broke Inez’s heart when she told her that she was leaving after planning with her their whole life together. She knew that she broke it even more when she didn’t show up to her birthday. Although Inez said that it was okay, although Inez tried to reach for her a few times… Dorothea wasn’t the same anymore. When she left one dream to follow another, she changed.
“What is it? Did you see a ghost?” Her mother asked, a knowing look on her face that Thea ignored. Thea picked up the clothes and followed her mom inside the elementary school. It was a small town so actually all grades were in the same school, the only thing separating them were different exits and a different building for high school. They were almost in the Theater Room when Thea bumped into someone and the bag of clothes fell from her hand.
“Shit.” She shouted as she kneeled and started to pick up the clothes that fell from the bag. The damn person that had bumped on her hadn’t made an effort to help too so Thea looked up to shit that person. “Hey, won’t-” And all the words were forgotten. Need to breath was also ignored while she watched the woman kneeling too.
“Thea.” She said and Thea had to do her best in order to avoid closing her eyes and begging her to say it again. The only person that called her that.
“Inez.” Thea said looking away as quickly as she recovered from the shock. She focused on picking up the clothes and putting them again inside the bag. She definitely did not focus on how fucking beautiful Inez was. Not that she wasn’t before, but this… she glanced just once. This was almost evil. A personal attach to Thea’s heart.
“Are the kids all there?” She heard her mom asking and Inez stood up and nodded.
“Everyone. Betty and I just finished the rehearsal with them. I’ll help you dress them while Betty go home to pick up her dress that she forgot.” Inez was saying. Go home. She knew, obviously, that they were living together for eight years. Not that her mom helped her a lot in keeping up with what was happening. She was great gossiping about everyone’s life but she never told one single detail of Inez’s life besides calling Thea seven years ago to tell her the Inez’s mom had passed away. Everything she know about Inez, which wasn’t much, she knew from her father.
“Okay then, honey. Let’s start to dress those little monsters.” Her mother said kissing Inez’s cheek like she always did since they were little. Thea’s mom and Inez were always closer than herself was with her own mom.
Thea tried to ignore the cold she felt when hers and Inez’s hands brushed lightly against each other when they entered the room. It was a suffocating cold that made her whole body ache as if she were naked outside in the winter. It hurt from inside out and Thea stretched her fingers and put them in her pockets because they ached to touch Inez. Just to touch her face with her eyes closed absorbing with her hands her features. Just to touch her hair and feel if it still was as curly and tangled as it was all those years ago. Thea must have stayed there with a stupid ass face for so long that when she noticed, her mom was next to her.
“Betty and I will rehearse with the kids now. If you want, you can go and only watch the whole thing tomorrow.” She said and Thea noticed that her mom wanted her to watch the Play only tomorrow when the kids were ready so she nodded. When she was about to leave, her mom called her. “Honey, can you please leave the car keys? Dear Inez is leaving too and she can give you a ride. I need to go grocery shopping after leaving here.” Her mother said sweetly but Thea saw past the smile. Her mother had planned this since the beginning. Thea gave her mother a strained smile and then turned to Inez with an apologetic expression.
“Is it okay?” She asked noticing that Inez looked at Betty before agreeing. Inez used to look to Thea when she was going to make a decision before. Thea also used to look at Inez for courage or ideas or whatever she needed at the moment. This moment, when she more needed something though, she didn’t dare look at her while they walked to Inez’s car. Inez’s truck, Thea corrected when she saw the old red pickup truck on the parking lot. She couldn’t help but laugh.
“You still drive this?” She asked before she could stop herself. Inez laughed.
“Not everyone has the money to buy twenty different cars.” She said and for one second before it turned awkward it seemed like they had been brought back to all those days ago. They entered the car in silence and Thea’s eyes didn’t leave the bleacher until she couldn’t see it anymore.
“How have you been?” Thea asked because for god’s sake, she was the actress between the two of them so she should be able to put on an unaffected face and fill this heavy silence until she could get home and drink more wine and overthink.
“Good. Betty and I just traveled to Canada four months ago. I don’t know if you remember but I always wanted to go there. It was amazing.” If she remembered. She remembered of course. Every time she went to Canada to film a new movie or video, she thought about Inez and her sparkling forest green eyes there with her. How she wanted her to be there. But she went with Betty. Thea bit her lip hard. She didn’t want to know what she had been doing with Betty but she supposed that it was fair. Betty was there with her when Thea left. Thea saw it with her own eyes.
Eight years ago when she called Inez to tell her that she wouldn’t be able to make to the graduation or her birthday, Inez had said that it was okay. But Thea knew that it wasn’t; knew that not showing would break this thing they had forever before it had even started properly. So Thea begged her new boss at the moment that she needed to go to her graduation and she let her. Thea remembered booking the first flight she found and using all her savings to run to the city in time. She left the plane and took the train and arrived there just as the students were leaving the gym. She looked around trying to find Inez; they still had time to celebrate her 18th birthday together before Thea had to leave. Thea was almost frantic and about to scream for Inez because she didn’t pick up her damn phone when someone tapped on her shoulder. She turned around excited thinking that it was Inez but she was disappointed with the sight of James, her cap present even during graduation. Thea looked her up and down and scoffed. She was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. Her straight brown hair tugged inside the cap messily, skate in one hand and cellphone in another.
“Looking for Inez?” She asked and Thea noticed a bitter tone when she pronounced Inez’s name. Thea knew why, everyone knew. Betty only learned about Augustine and James because Inez saw them making out behind the mall. James wasn’t in a relationship so it shouldn’t have been such a gossip but some people knew that Betty liked James so the rumors ended up going out of proportion.
“Yes. Where’s she?” She asked and James smiled with a pity expression that Thea didn’t understand until she looked at where she was pointing. When she saw it though, her heart sank. There was Inez, beautiful and smiling. Her arms locked with someone else’s. Thea stood on her tiptoes to see who and she understood why James had pointed them to her. It was Betty.
“They’re going to Betty’s house right now.” James said making Thea frown. “Did you know they’ll attend college in the same city? They’re leaving later today.” James said and Thea felt her heart breaking into million pieces. James looked at her with that awkward presence that she always had when she was around people. She chewed on her nails and looked away pretending not to see Thea quickly cleaning a tear. Thea looked at the box in her hand; something silly she had bought for Inez’s birthday. “Are you going there to talk to her?” James asked and Thea realized with certain irritation that she was almost in the same situation as James. For the first time, she really understood how good had been that she never had kissed Inez; that they never had gone this path. It would hurt way more to leave her if they had. Already hurt a fucking lot.
“No.” Thea answered and James looked disappointed. Thea got angry. She didn’t own anything to James so she shouldn’t be embarrassed of her choice even if it was the cowards’ way out. “Fuck off, James.” Thea said turning around and leaving the gym before Inez or Betty saw her. When she was out, she remembered that she was without a car. She cursed.
“Need a ride home?” James asked and Thea nodded snorting.
“Sure.” She said following James. “I’m not going home though. Take me to the train station.”
“Leaving already?” James asked a few seconds later.
“I already left. I don’t know why I came back.” She said glancing at James and noticing her chewing her lips as if she wanted to say something. Thea wished she didn’t. She didn’t need another blow or someone calling her a coward for leaving.
James didn'tsay anything.
Thea left town that same day and didn’t come back for another two years.
“I’m glad you got to travel there.” Thea said and then, out of some insanity move, she turned to Inez. “Is the bleacher still there?” She asked regretting it as soon as it left her lips. Inez looked away.
“They didn’t make any renovations since we left so all the bleachers are still there.” Inez said and she kept silent because she knew that Inez had understood. After driving in silence for a few minutes, Inez sighed. “It’s still there.” She said softly and again some kind of trickster spirit took over her when she said:
“Can we go there?” She asked making Inez go still. She stopped the car and looked at Thea. Thea braced herself for the angry words that Inez never let herself give Thea. The words none of them had the right to scream at each other but surely felt the need to over the years. Then Inez looked away and nodded.
“Yes.” She said and Thea couldn’t quite believe her ears. She almost asked if it was really okay. If they were allowed this development. Because if it was okay with Inez, it would always be okay with Thea.
And she drove them all the way back to the school, this time parking next to the bleacher. Thea left the car and ran to the door noticing that she didn’t have the keys. She opened her mouth to tell Inez that little fact but Inez was already picking up a keyring from her pocket. She searched between all the keys until she found the one. Inez gave her a little smile when she opened the door and Thea closed her eyes engraving that smile inside her mind. How she had missed her smile; everything about her really. Just being in the passenger seat as Inez drove them around was enough for her. She could spend the last of her days just being driven around by her.
When she entered the room, she was surprised to find it all in place exactly how they had left years ago but it wasn’t dusty as Thea had expected it to be. She looked around speechless.
“After Betty and I came back to town, I kept coming here. It became the place I came to be alone; to think.” She said, almost a whisper. As if she, too, was afraid of shattering the moment into a million gleaming pieces. Thea laid on the pillows. They were clearly new ones but they felt just as the old same pillows. Inez didn’t laid down with her, instead deciding to seat a little farther. Thea closed her eyes and surprisingly, she fell asleep.
When she woke up feeling more rested than she had ever felt, she noticed that Inez hadn’t left. She was sitting in the corner reading a book. Thea looked at her wanting to hear her call her Thea again. In her lips seemed almost like a worship. Not like the ones her fans usually called her and not even like some of her “friends” called her. No, it was a different feeling because once this woman sitting just a few feet away from her had known everything about her. This woman knew how to tell when Thea was lying or when she was sad or when she smiled and it didn’t reach her eyes.
“I miss this.” She said and Inez’s eyes snapped from her book to Thea as if she had forgotten she was there. It hurt to see the surprise. To know that she was away for so long that today she startled Inez with her presence. “Being with you.” She said.
“Me too.” Inez said.
“It’s terrible out there. People sell smiled in exchange for jobs and you’re know buy the people you know. The ironic part is that you don’t really know anyone.” She said, a weight that she knew she was carrying but never knew how to get rid of suddenly leaving her shoulders. She took a deep breath and realized that she had only been living with half breaths till now. “You don’t know anyone and no one knows you.” She said and Inez, for the first time, made a move towards her. She sat beside her.
“You know, you’ll always know me.” She whispered taking her hand and making the world start to move too quickly for Thea to caught up. “And if you want to, I can always know you.” She said closing her eyes. Thea felt the air shifting and swirling and shimmering with magic, something powerful, antient and fateful that seemed to always pull them towards each other. When their noses touched, she felt something wet streaming down her cheek. She opened her eyes at the same time Inez did and they stared at each other. So close. That’s how it was supposed to have been. And in this moment, Thea let her mind conjure images of everything they could have been. Birthdays, funerals, weddings and christenings. Everything. Tears and laugh and anger that ended in sex. First kisses and see-you-soon kisses that would bring fiery needy ones when they were finally reunited. Vows. Thea had never dreamed about vows. But somehow Inez and her hometown made her feel the urge to vow forever and always.
Then it ended. They broke apart. This path wasn’t theirs. Thea knew it. She couldn’t just come here and wreck her just because even if Inez seemed to want the same thing and be okay with it. Thea would never forgive herself for breaking her heart once again; badly this time around. So she smiled and tuck a curl of Inez’s hair behind her ear.
“I think it’s time to go.” She said, her heart by now should have been used to the breaking but when they said that the heart was strong, what they actually meant was that it was strong enough to live without the parts that were lost when it was broken over and over. Inez nodded.
When her truck stopped in front of Thea’s house just like it had so many times, Thea couldn’t leave. She wanted to ask her to come with her or to wait for her to come back. She wanted to ask for love. For a solution.
“Me too, Thea.” Was what Inez said when she softly opened Thea’s door for her. Thea looked at her. She thought about what expected her back in LA. Friends that didn’t call her Thea as if it was sacred secret. Friends that never gave her a birthday gift that she liked. Friends she didn’t love so much that breathing felt like suffocating.
When she left the car and entered her house, she thought about the 18th birthday present she had bought to Inez. She touched the necklace. Both of them. One with the Letter T and the other with the letter I. Something she had bought so many years ago. Not to show property but to show to whoever asked that their souls belonged to each other in a way that some people could never understand.
When Thea left town on Tuesday and went back to LA, she wondered if Inez had secrets of her own like Thea’s necklace. If she had kept something so secret that she sometimes needed a physical evidence that it ever existed. If one day she would throw away what made it real and forget it forever.
She guessed that she would never know.