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There is one thing Aoyagi hopes Junta never notices. There is one thing Aoyagi desperately wants Junta to notice.
Aoyagi honestly thinks he would die if Junta ever realizes how much deeper his feelings run than friendship, but his chest feels tight and his stomach becomes hollow whenever he thinks of Junta never knowing.
Aoyagi himself realizes it about halfway into their first year of high school, when he starts paying more attention to Junta’s movements, the shape of his lips when he smiles and says, “We’re a team of two, right?” It’s the same time he makes the abrupt and awkward transition from “Teshima” to “Junta,” and Junta only smiles and doesn’t ask why.
He’s always known he’s different, really, so Aoyagi isn’t surprised when he realizes he’s been standing on the edge of a deep, deep drop since he met Junta and took a short step towards a long fall to the bottom soon afterward. He’s lying awake one night when all the air in his body rushes out of his lungs like he’s actually fallen from an incredible height and slammed into the ground, and the only thing he can think of is how warm Junta’s smile makes him.
He’s able to keep his feelings in check. It’s easy. Junta always talks about a girl from another class, about ways he could improve his image so she might take notice of him. Aoyagi always swallows hard and nods.
He has always known he was different from other people, but he never guessed the gap could have been so wide.
So he smothers anything he feels for Junta that can’t be attributed to friendship and keeps it at arm’s length until he’s alone in his room and Junta can’t see him and read him like an open book. Aoyagi is always afraid that it shows on his face, that his forehead has “I LOVE JUNTA” displayed in huge letters and no one has told him out of politeness, but that Junta sees it and knows. Junta always knows everything about him. Everything except this, and he’s grateful.
In his second year, after the second day of training camp, their team of two loses to a bunch of first years, and the only blessing they have is their empty room so they can cry without anyone else knowing. Aoyagi holds Junta tightly to him, his arms circling around Junta’s ribs and his face hidden in the crook of Junta’s neck. Junta, like in all things, cries more loudly than Aoyagi.
When he takes advantage of Junta’s sadness he feels like a thief. He steals touches and hugs and burns the image of Junta crying into his mind and, while he is sleeping, he kisses his red and swollen eyelids and wedges his body as close to Junta as possible. Junta is so, so hot and Aoyagi thinks he might burn up into nothing by being so close to him, but that is something he’s willing to risk.
After that, while their legs heal, they run errands for the club to help get them ready for the inter high. Junta never says anything more about it than, “We just need to practice more.” Aoyagi nods and can’t remember the last time Junta talked about the girl he liked.
They spend even more time together after that. Aoyagi loves every minute that Junta gives him, but it’s beginning to get difficult to keep everything bottled up when every waking moment is spent with the person he loved.
After the inter high, Junta makes a point to spend each afternoon after school with Aoyagi. They train, of course, and then they start the ride home together, sometimes stopping for snacks or to look at magazines or listen to CDs. Then they end up at either Aoyagi or Junta’s house and spend the rest of the night doing homework or goofing off. Aoyagi loves to sit in Junta’s room and listen to him sing under his breath while he writes down math formulas in a way that is easier for Aoyagi to understand.
One day, just as they’re finishing up training, Junta’s phone plays a tinkling charm and they both pause. He reaches into his pocket and, for the brief second he stared at the screen before answering, Aoyagi sees the name of the caller. His heart sinks into a hollow chest and the tips of his fingers feel like lead. Now he knows what happened to that girl Junta liked. She’d given him her number.
Junta looks apologetically over at Aoyagi as he talks into the phone. “What? Now? Haven’t you gone home?” A pause. “No, I’m still here. I was about to go to Aoyagi’s.” He mouths “sorry" at Aoyagi and walks a few feet away as he talks for a little while longer. Junta turns around after he hangs up, and Aoyagi is exactly where he left him.
"Sorry," he says it out loud this time, "I’m just going to be a few minutes. Someone wants to borrow my notes. Can you wait for me?" He looks sheepish. Aoyagi is confused.
He starts to nod, but then stops. Junta should be spending his time with that girl, he thinks. I’m in the way. The realization makes his throat crawl and his stomach drop, but he forces out a smile anyway and says, “Don’t worry, Junta. I’ll put your bike up.”
"Thanks," Junta looks unconvinced, like he wants to say something else, and adds, "Don’t leave. I’ll be right back." He runs toward the school. Aoyagi bites the insides of his cheeks hard enough to hurt.
He contemplates staying like Junta asked, but he can’t stop thinking. I’m in the way. I’m in the way. I’m in the way.
So he locks Junta’s bike to the rack outside of the club room and slips the key into Junta’s locker before he changes back into his uniform and takes off. He’s halfway home when he remembers to send Junta a text.
The key is in your locker. Don’t waste your chance. Have fun.
It’s the longest message he’s ever sent but it’s also the worst. He turns off his phone because he wouldn’t be able to take it if Junta said thanks.
Aoyagi slows to a halt outside his home, and doesn’t bother to hide the fact that he’s crying now, because no one is there and his house has never felt so empty.
He walks into his room and pulls at his hair as he sits on the bed. It’s getting long. He should cut it. Images of the girl Junta likes flash behind his eyes. Her hair falls past her shoulders. Aoyagi croaks out a self-deprecating laugh and thinks, Maybe I’ll grow it out.
When he wakes up he can’t bring himself to look at the messages Junta sent him yesterday, and instead sends him one that reads I fell asleep. Sorry.
Winter break feels too long, and even though Junta texts him every day, it’s not enough. Aoyagi wants to see him and be near him. He wants a lot of things. He wants a free pass that allows him to hold Junta’s hands, kiss his lips, hold him close and breathe him in. He settles for texts, calls, and meeting up a couple times a week to train and talk strategy.
On new year’s eve, Junta shows up to his house with two slices of cake and Aoyagi tells his parents they’re going to hang out and greet the new year together when Junta holds up a DVD that they had both mentioned wanting to see.
Aoyagi begins down the hall and Junta lingers in the passageway connecting the entrance and the rest of the house. Aoyagi stops and tilts his head in a question that really only Junta can figure out. Junta smiles and says, “Nothing, just thinking about something!” and walks past him and down the hallway to his room.
Aoyagi has to stop for a few seconds before he follows him because his ears and cheeks are burning. Junta didn’t notice the mistletoe his parents had laughingly put up, and Aoyagi almost gave in to the temptation of tradition.
The cake is good and the movie is mediocre, but all Aoyagi wants is to press his lips against Junta’s as the clock on his wall ticks down the seconds to midnight. Absently, he reaches up to touch his lips, and they’re dry. Junta probably wouldn’t like kissing him. He lowers his hand and looks down to his lap before risking a glance at Junta.
Junta is on his bed, fast asleep. He’s drooling a little. Aoyagi thinks his heart is going to burst it’s so full. He spends the night on the floor, and when Junta asks why he didn’t climb into bed to sleep with him (like they always do when they crash at each other’s places) Aoyagi says he fell asleep during the movie, too. He thinks Junta notices the lie, but he doesn’t say anything.
When school starts back again Aoyagi has invested in chapstick.
Their teamwork begins to falter a little bit. It isn’t noticeable at first, but at the end of January Junta asks if Aoyagi is okay. Aoyagi says he is, he’s just been tired lately. He blames it on the stress of preparing for his third year and juggling club activities at the same time, but really he stays up late every night thinking about Junta and how he can stop thinking about Junta.
March sneaks up on them before they know it, and Aoyagi can barely keep up with Junta’s new ideas and strategies. He stops giving excuses and skips straight to apologies. Aoyagi tries to brush off Junta’s worrying, but their team of two is separated by a chasm carved out by the thundering of Aoyagi’s heartbeat whenever he’s alone with Junta.
They celebrate Kinjou and Tadokoro’s graduation with the rest of the club, and ask Onoda to congratulate Maki, too, the next time he writes. When Kinjou tells Junta he’ll be next year’s captain, Aoyagi beams, bright and wide, and he takes Junta out for karaoke to celebrate.
As they walk home he feels something ugly crawling from his lungs and up his throat and out of his mouth.
"You should have invited her along, too," he says. He doesn’t mean it at all. It makes him sick to think about.
Junta has a weird look on his face when he turns around.
"Why? She’s not my best friend."
For some reason, that feels like a punch in the gut. Aoyagi smiles anyway.
The end of the school year comes abruptly and Aoyagi can’t decide whether he’s glad for it or not. Junta has decided they’ll spend their free week before they become third years at Aoyagi’s house.
They need to figure out how to improve their teamwork.
Aoyagi can think of a few ways, but he doesn’t say anything.
Junta is in the middle of explaining something he saw in a recording of an overseas race when he notices that Aoyagi isn’t keeping up with him. He stops, frowns, and reaches up to tug lightly on Aoyagi’s hair. It’s gotten so long.
Aoyagi snaps out of his daze, and nods and apologizes when Junta says, “Tired?”
Junta laughs and ruffles Aoyagi’s hair. “Nothing to be sorry about. I’m getting pretty sleepy myself.”
So they go through their night time routines. Aoyagi finishes first and leaves Junta brushing his teeth in the bathroom while he sits at the table in his room, rolling his chapstick across the wooden surface. He dabs it on his mouth absently and touches his lips.
They’re soft now. Would Junta like kissing him? He turns red and viciously hurls the chapstick into a wall and jumps into his bed, pulling the covers up over his head. He’s facing the wall and trying to make himself as small as possible.
It’s unbearable. There’s too much pressure in Aoyagi’s head. His face is hot and his eyes are burning. He really wants Junta to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him he’s not alone and that it’s okay to feel this way. But it’s not. It’s not okay and Aoyagi could swear that his heart is slowly being crushed by heavy weights.
He’ll give up, he decides, tonight. If Junta doesn’t notice tonight he’ll give up. No matter what it takes. If he has to dissolve the team of two in order to bury these feelings, he’ll do it.
His door opens, and he hears his parents call “Goodnight,” and Junta answers. There’s a soft click as the door swings shut, and Junta turns off the lights. He knows Aoyagi’s room like his own, so he doesn’t trip or stumble as he makes his way to Aoyagi’s bed. He pulls back the covers.
Notice, Junta. Notice. Please, notice. Notice, notice, notice, notice!!
Aoyagi is sweating now, his heart battering against his ribcage as his bed dips with Junta’s weight. Seconds pass and Junta seems to be settling comfortably beside him, and Aoyagi knows this is it. He didn’t notice. He didn’t notice, he didn’t notice he didn’t—
One of Junta’s arms drapes over him and the other is working itself under Aoyagi’s pillow, and Junta’s body is pressing into his back and it feels so good that he can’t contain it. Aoyagi presses the heels of his hands to his eyes because they’re suddenly wet and he can’t make himself stop crying. The only noises in the room are Aoyagi’s shaky breaths as he rubs at his eyes.
Junta’s face is pressed against the back of his shoulder as he soothes and shushes Aoyagi, his free hand gently stroking back and forth along his ribs.
"Shh, shh," Junta whispers, and Aoyagi relaxes. He’s surprised at how tense he is and how nice it feels to let it all go as Junta comforts him.
Aoyagi sniffs and wipes his eyes before turning his body to face Junta. Junta doesn’t move back or give him more space, but he does pull their bodies closer and study Aoyagi’s face. One of Aoyagi’s hands is trapped between them and the other is curled around Junta’s bicep, gripping tightly. He looks up at Junta and wills him to understand what’s going through his head — how much he loves him, how much he wants to kiss him, how badly he needs Junta to understand and to love him back.
Junta always notices. Eventually.
He leans forward and whispers “Hajime,” and Aoyagi feels like he’s on fire, and this is all he’s ever wanted and now Junta is pressing their lips together.
Aoyagi swears he’s as light as a feather as all the pressure and crushing weight of doubt and fear and anger leave him because Junta noticed.
When their mouths are finally free Junta starts babbling about how long it took for him to work up the courage for this, how happy he is that Aoyagi feels the same, peppering his one-sided conversation with quick, chaste kisses. Aoyagi falls asleep to the sound of Junta’s voice and wakes up the same way the next morning.
When they went back to school as third years, their team of two was more in sync than it had ever been before.