Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I don't live for you
I live for me
If only that were true
If only I could prove
That on my own I'm worthy

--"Asytole" by Hayley Williams

**

To be frank, the fact that Rey Johnson made it all the way back to her house after The Dumping without having a total breakdown is a remarkable feat.

She walks through the front door of her home, lips trembling but eyes still determinedly dry. But then she smells baking cookies, and Finn is poking his head out from the kitchen and greeting her cheerfully and she just—

Rey finally loses it.

Her breath starts coming quicker and then the tears come, hot and streaming down her face. She tries to cover them, shame making her hiccup on a sob. “F-Finn—“

The cheer on Finn’s face is gone in a second and he rushes over to her from the kitchen. “Rey-Rey what’s wrong?! What happened?” He gently pries her hands away from her face so that he can look her in the eye. The kindness in his gaze comforts Rey a little; she manages to take in a sharp breath.

“Kaydel b-broke up with me!” The words come out like a wail and Rey begins to weep in earnest. “She g-got a job offer to teach in Scotland and s-she’s leaving next week! She s-said—” Rey pauses here to sniff and swipe at her nose with the back of her hand, “—she said it was too good of an opportunity to pass up and that w-we’d had fun but…” Rey trails off here, more tears slipping down her face as she tries to collect herself to no avail.

“Had fun,” Finn echoes quietly, already understanding. Every time Rey tries dating someone something like this always ends up happening.

Rey nods, scrubbing at her cheeks with the sleeves of her blue sweater. “She enjoyed the past few months but s-she doesn’t see a future with me.” 

The words ring sad and hollow around their tiny entryway and living room. Rey forces herself to take deep breaths and they whoosh out of her chest in a shudder.

“I’m so, so sorry, Rey-Rey.” Finn gives her shoulders a gentle squeeze. “You don’t deserve this.” He shakes his head and pulls her into a hug. Rey leans into his embrace, trying to reassure herself of the fact that at the end of the day she’ll always have this man, her best friend since childhood, her family, her brother. Finn. She sighs into the fabric of his t-shirt and squeezes her eyes shut, and it works. She feels herself marginally relax.

Thing is, Finn can’t give her the intimate companionship she longs for in a romantic partner. He’s been in a relationship with the same man for nearly three years. Rey watches the way he and his boyfriend love and long for each other. She can’t help but want that for herself.

But every time she tries to take love she is denied it, as if the universe has decided she’s simply not worthy. And more often than not, as time goes on, Rey is starting to believe it’s true. If her own parents could abandon her without a care, maybe there is something wrong with her, maybe there is—

There’s muffled shouting coming from the kitchen. Finn and Rey both pull away with each other, Rey looking confused and Finn looking embarrassed. He peers over his shoulder. “Shit. I forgot I was talking to Poe.”

He gently pulls away from Rey and hurries toward their kitchen. “Babe! Babe, I’m sorry!”

Rey follows him, pausing to grab tissues from the coffee table so that she can blow her nose and dab at her wet eyes and cheeks.

She is defeated.

Upon entering the kitchen she sees Finn’s old laptop sitting on the kitchen island they use for both counter space and a place to eat their meals. Poe peers at her from the laptop screen, looking pleased to see her. “Oh, hey Rey! How’s your day going so—”

“Poe,” Finn cuts him off, glancing at Rey with worry. “Rey isn’t having the best day.”

The pleased expression on Poe’s face melts into one of concern, but before he can ask Rey sighs. “I got fucking dumped,” she grumbles in his direction.

There’s a sharp stabbing in her chest, at the yearning place in her soul that hopes to no longer be lonely. 

Poe erupts into a stream of reassuring statements and furious accusations that Kaydel is a fool and that Rey deserves someone who chooses her always. Rey nods at him, giving him the most strained smile she can muster up as she goes to stand in front of the oven.

She turns on the oven light so that she can peer at the baking cookies. They look like the M&M kind, her favorite, and Rey could hug Finn all over again. She straightens up and crosses her arms over her chest. “And I took this whole next week off because…” Rey can feel more tears coming on so she pauses, trying to ignore the worried looks coming from both Finn and Poe. “Valentine’s Day is coming up so I thought—” Her voice breaks and she shrugs, trying to convey the rest of what she can’t quite say. Finn steps up to her and puts a warm hand on her shoulder.

“Rey-Rey…” Finn sighs, rubbing his hand up and down Rey’s arm, biting his lip and clearly trying to figure out the best way to continue. “I’m so sorry this is happening. You could take the time to, uh, stay home and get some rest. You can finally just veg out on the couch and binge The Good Place like you keep saying you’re going to do!” His lovely, dark-skinned face breaks out into a tentative, small smile for her. “I can hang out with you on my days off! We can stay in and bake, or go to that drag club Lips—”

“Actually…” Poe’s voice comes so loudly from the laptop that Finn stops talking to quirk an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

“Actually,” Poe repeats, “it was supposed to be a surprise but, I’m planning on flying out tomorrow to surprise you.” He looks a little nervous at the shock written all over Finn. Rey’s brother has gone totally still.

There’s an awkward, charged beat of silence before Poe hesitantly continues.

“I was going to have a housesitter stay here and watch my cat, but considering the circumstances, Rey, would you like to come stay here in LA instead? I’m planning on flying out tomorrow, the 8th, and coming back on the 15th…” Poe finally goes quiet, not sure what to make of the continued silence from both Finn and Rey.

Finn moves to the kitchen island and leans his hands against the edge, peering down at Poe with ever-growing happiness. “You’re gonna fly to Jersey to surprise me?” His mouth starts to curl into a grin and Poe returns it, eyes bright with love even through a laptop screen.

Poe nods, beaming. “Yeah. I definitely didn’t plan for you to find out this way, but—”

Rey zones out as Poe starts explaining the benefits of her coming and staying at his home. It’ll be a getaway, he says. A way for her to escape from her current shitshow of a situation. A way for her to perhaps get a new perspective on things.

There really was no reason for Poe to pitch the benefits of the little switcheroo to her. Rey had made up her mind as soon as he had made the offer.

The truth was she did need to get away. And as she looked at the adoring way that her brother and his boyfriend gazed at each other, so in love despite the obstacles of their long distance relationship, she didn’t think she could stomach being around the two of them for a whole week. It would hurt too much. She doesn’t have the heart to tell Finn this.

Rey feels raw and wild.

“I’ll come stay at your place, getting a plane ticket last minute won’t be fun but—”

“I’ll cover it,” Poe quickly assures her, and she’s abruptly reminded of the man’s wealth. “It’ll be no problem. My place is yours for the week, just keep BB-8 alive,” he jokes.

It begins to sink in that Rey is leaving for sunny Los Angeles tomorrow. She feels a tiny spark, just a tiny, itty-bitty happy spark. It’s just enough to make her give Poe a small, genuine smile. She sniffs. “Sounds great, Poe.”

**

Rey has doubts when Finn drives her to the airport. 

She has doubts in the line for security. 

She has doubts on the airplane. 

She has doubts in the Uber from LAX to Poe’s neighborhood. 

Rey even has doubts when the Uber pulls into Poe’s driveway. It’s not as long as she thought it would be, and she gapes at the size of Dameron’s near-mansion sized house. Rey knows he’s a successful film editor, and the doubts double down inside her. She’s not good, not worthy enough to stay in a place like this. Is she?

But all those lingering doubts ebb away and disappear as soon as she puts the code into the front door, swings it open, and steps into the house. She drops her heavy backpack containing her own laptop and accessories by the front door, taking in her friend’s home with wide eyes.

It’s huge and colorful and open and a fat, old cat is sitting on the back of the wide, leather couch, glaring at her. 

She feels at ease as she walks up to BB-8, let’s him sniff her hand and take stock of her. When he’s eventually purring and letting her scratch behind his ears, Rey feels her whole body start to ease. 

When she finally pulls away so that she can find her room and start unpacking, she’s actually confident . This week is going to be great. 

**

“JEALOUSY, TURNING SAINTS INTO THE SEA—“

Poe has bluetooth speakers hooked stealthily into the walls and Rey, totally wine drunk at this point in the evening, is singing into a wooden spatula as she waits for her pizza to cook in the oven. BB-8 watches her with interest from his cat bed in the corner of the kitchen (there’s a cat bed in every room), yellow eyes bright and mischievous despite his old age.

Rey had spent the first half hour at the house getting to know the elderly kitty; now he happily follows her from room to room. She’s already explored a lot of the house. There are four bedrooms and three and half baths, a movie room and fully stocked bar in the basement, and a pool in the backyard. Rey had stripped down to just her soft, black t-shirt and black panties, popped a pizza into the oven and put on a playlist.

She also opened a bottle of white wine.

Rey has actually managed to put Kaydel from her mind; for the first time in the past twenty-four hours the joy on her face is totally genuine. Poe was right, this is going to be good for her.

“—SWIMMING THROUGH SICK LULLABIES, CHOKING ON YOUR ALIBIS—”

A loud crash from the entryway instantly shuts her up.

“ Poe?! Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is—why the fuck is there a goddamn backpack in front of the door?!”

Rey fiddles with her phone, shuts the music off right when a large, shirtless man storms into the kitchen where Rey is half naked and clutching a wooden spatula.

He reels back when he sees her. “Who the fuck are you?!” he shouts, deep voice loud in the high ceiling kitchen. 

“Who the fuck are you?! ” Rey screams back and, without giving too much consideration to the consequences, launches the wooden spatula right at the strange man’s head.

It hits him square in the eye.

He yelps in pain and staggers backward a bit before sinking to the floor. One large hand is already covering the eye and he moans, rocking back and forth a bit as if that will help alleviate the pain.

Rey stands posed for a moment, fists raised and teeth bared in case this guy tries anything. But all he does is stay pathetically hunched on the floor.

Some of Rey’s adrenaline leaves her and she bites her bottom lip, suddenly feeling a little guilty for having thrown the spatula at him so quickly. She slowly, slowly begins to scoot toward where he’s hunched on the kitchen tile, hands tugging at the hem of her suddenly very short and tight shirt. And she’s got no pants on. Great. 

The closer she gets to him the more she can smell the scent of whiskey oozing out of his pores. It occurs to her that he might be even drunker than she is. She’s beginning to think that he’s not as intimidating as he first appeared. He clearly knows who Poe is. And he’d been taken down pretty easily with a relatively simple kitchen utensil.

Drunk Rey’s instincts are telling her he’s harmless.

“Are you okay?” she asks tentatively, poking his bare shoulder with her pointer finger.

“You threw a spatula at me,” he grumbles, voice muffled as he talks through one large hand.

Rey sighs. “Pull your hand away, lemme see.”

Huffing and mumbling something under his breath she’s sure is far from polite, the drunk man lowers his hand and glares up at her, mouth turning down. His right eye is red and teary, and there’s already bruising forming underneath it. Rey winces and his mouth turns down even further into a full fledged scowl. “It’s going to be a black eye, isn’t it?”

Rey nods, cringing.

The man lets out a deep, subdued sigh, before slowly getting to his feet and standing up.

He...he looms over her; Rey hadn’t realized how tall he truly was through the haze of her earlier adrenaline and drunkenness. Her gaze flicks over his bare, wide shoulders down to his expansive chest and muscled stomach. She hasn’t dated many guys in the past, but men like this (human refrigerators) are precisely her type. Swallowing, she can already feel her face begin to heat up for reasons way beyond the wine.

The man groans, pinches the bridge of his nose. “Well, I guess I can’t really blame you. I sorta barged in here unannounced, didn’t I?” He’s slurring his words, just a little bit. “Poe isn’t here. Clearly. ” His eyes, both injured and uninjured, narrow at her in curiosity. “Who are you?”

“The housesitter,” Rey answers cooly. “Poe is visiting his boyfriend, my roommate, this week for Valentine’s, so.” She shrugs, feeling embarrassed and still very half naked. “He suggested we switch and I stay at his place while he’s gone. Anyway, who are you, strange-man-who-just-walked-the-fuck-in?” Her question comes out huffy, which is good, considering he should’ve already explained without her having to ask. 

He takes in the way she’s got her hands propped in her hips in demand, the way Rey’s shirt hugs her breasts and waist. Despite not wearing a bra, at least her nipples aren’t visible through the black fabric, but his eyes briefly linger like they are. Then his gaze dips down to her visible panties and long, smooth legs. His eyes grow more heated and he clears his throat before looking back up at her face.

“I’m Ben. The neighbor and annoying best friend since, uh, childhood.” He sticks out his hand for a shake. “What’s your name, housesitter?”

Rey accepts his outstretched hand, marvelling briefly at the way it totally engulfs her own. They’re as big as his whole fucking face. 

“Rey Johnson,” she blurts out quickly, face flushing even more at her eagerness.

He quirks a dark eyebrow at her. “Is that all one word?”

“No, no no.” Rey laughs awkwardly. “First name is Rey.” It does not go unnoticed by her that he has yet to let go of her hand. “Last name is, uh, Johnson.”

Ben nods down at her, black hair sticking to his forehead. The night is warm and Rey feels a hot twisting in her belly at the way he’s looking at her. Like he wants to push her ankles behind her ears and swallow her from the inside out.

Rey gulps and finally, finally drops his hand from her own. “So, uh, Ben. Do you want a drink? I have...wine. And water, I guess.”

Ben’s mouth tilts up a bit in an expression that could almost be a smile. “There are sodas in the pantry.”

“Oh! Did you want a soda?”

“No. Wine is fine.”

While Rey is topping off her glass and pouring Ben one of his own, he peppers her with questions. Will she be here the whole week? Yes . How does she know Poe, again? He’s dating her roommate slash brother. What does she do for a living? She and Finn remodel houses, basically.

And then: “What made you decide to come stay here?” He’s already killed half his glass of wine by now. The eye that didn’t get smacked with a wooden spatula is now just as red as the one that did.

Rey takes a slow, long drag from her own glass, attempting to avoid answering as long as she can. Finally, she puts down her drink, swaying a little on her feet and frowning. “My girlfriend dumped me.”

Ben winces appropriately. “That sucks.” He shakes his head. “Whatadumbass.” He’s slurring even more than he was before, so his words come out sticking together.

“Yeah,” Rey nods, tucking her hair behind her ear and taking in the way Ben’s gaze has drifted down to her bare legs again. “Um, actually…” She clears her throat and steps away from the kitchen island so that she’s standing directly in front of him. “I have an idea.”

He tilts his head. “Hmm?”

“It’s really stupid.”

“Hit me with it.” Then he laughs a little too loudly. “Actually, please don’t—”

“I think we should have sex,” the words tumble out of her mouth without another moment of hesitation. Ben goes still and is quiet for so long Rey wonders if in her drunken state she said the words out of order.

When she chances a glance up at his face she finds him staring down at her in wide eyed shock, mouth forming a comical ‘o’.

He slides a step back from her, eyes turning away for a moment before he finally looks back at her. “N-No thank you.”

Ben says something else, but Rey doesn’t catch it because of the loud roaring suddenly echoing throughout her head.

Why did I ask that that was so stupid I’m so stupid why on earth would he want me no one ever truly wants me stupid stupid stupid—

The sound of Ben hurling into the kitchen sink breaks her out of her fog of thoughts.

Apparently the wine hit him a little too hard.

Rey stares at the muscles bunching in his hunched back as he strains over the sink, but soon the unpleasant splattering noises and smell have her hurrying from the kitchen and out into the wider space of Poe’s house.

She starts laughing.

And then Rey stumbles to the living room, grabs her backpack, and starts repacking..

Chapter Text

You seem tired today
Were you up all night afraid of what the future might bring?
I feel fine today
I've had dreams of you in places I've not seen before

--"You Worry Me" by Nathaniel Rateliffe & the Night Sweats

**

Rey never sinks far enough into her dream to see their faces. She simply gets glimpses of their features, bits of their words, flashes of the way their voices sound echoing about her head. The way each and every one of them would smile at her as they’d speak.

You’re beautiful clever funny thoughtful but but but but—

There’s always something wrong, wrong wrong wrong about the sad way they touch her. As if it’s a touch of goodbye. She’s being left again. 

When Rey begins to wake the next morning she is left with the emotions they abandoned her with. The feelings of rejection, of loneliness and loss. The last of her sleep fades away as she opens her eyes. She longs for the day she’ll awaken after a night of sweet dreams.

When the dream is fully gone the headache rushes in, or perhaps it had always been there, pressing and pounding against her skull. Only now she’s awake and aware.

A fucking hangover.

“Oh, shit ,” she groans as she sits up, her eyes squinting as they attempt to adjust to the bright, late morning sun. Blinking groggily, she takes note of how she never bothered to fully climb into bed, opting instead to collapse onto the bedspread of Poe’s California king.

She slides out of bed, only just managing not to totally collapse onto the floor in a heavy limbed heap. Bracing her hands against the small of her back, she stretches out her body and tries to remember exactly what—

The strange man!

The Ben!

A quick glance downwards tells Rey that she is still lacking pants, but her underwear is the same as the night before. Which is...good? 

If she’s being honest, Rey isn’t super sure how she got to Poe’s bed last night. The last thing she remembers, she’d been in the living room backing up her backpack, laughing at her misfortune and sniffing back pathetic tears at the same time.

There’s a commotion from the kitchen and it occurs to Rey that her late night visitor might not have left yet.

This doesn’t unnerve her so much as deeply irritate her. 

Without bothering to find and put on pants, Rey opens the door from the bedroom to the main hallway and marches across the fancy hardwoods to the equally fancy kitchen. Or, Rey likes to think she marches. In reality she drags, right hand occasionally having to catch herself against the wall lest she trip. When she finally does make it to the kitchen she’s made so much noise that Ben is already leaning against the marble kitchen island, facing her.

Ben Solo is still fucking shirtless. Rey’s brain is already foggy enough, but sleepy, half-naked Ben is not fair , especially in her current state. He seems to notice her brief ogling, because a look of smugness passes over his face.

Oh boy is he sporting a shiner. 

He smirks. “Good morning, sunshine.”

Wincing, Rey holds up a hand. “Not so loud.”

“I’m not speaking loudly.” And to her horror, Rey realizes he’s really not . “If I talked loud, my head would crack open and I would die.”

Rey snorts, then the pain of snorting makes her wince even deeper. “That makes two of us.” She trudges to the cabinet, grabbing an empty glass before moving slowly in the direction of the fridge. “I can’t even remember how I got to bed,” she mumbles, pouring herself some filtered water from the fridge.

Her voice must have carried, however, because she hears Ben say, “I put you there.”

Dread begins to build, giving Rey a slight stomachache to accompany her headache. She turns slowly, bringing her glass to her mouth and swallowing a gulp of water, regarding Ben from over the rim. 

His expression doesn’t give anything away. “You were sitting on the floor in the living room, holding your backpack and sobbing. It was keeping me awake.”

Rey gapes at him. “Don’t you live next door?!”

They both cringe, Rey from yelling and Ben from being subjected to it.

“Sorry,” she whispers, and he nods.

Then he shrugs. “I didn’t feel like walking over there in the state I was in.” His cheeks go a bit pink and he clears his throat. “I was, uh, extremely drunk last night. Sorry again for, um. Just kinda busting in.”

“It’s okay.” It really didn’t bother Rey as much as it should have. Mostly she’s bothered by the fact that this man carried her to bed and she wasn’t conscious enough to enjoy it. She opens her mouth to say something when she freezes, something else occurring to her. “Oh my god.”

Ben grimaces. “You just remembered.”

“Oh my god .”

“Yep.”

“Oh no. No, no no no—”

Now he’s starting to look a little offended. “It’s really not that big of a—“

“I asked you to have sex with me!” Rey whisper shouts, hand going up to tug at her tangled hair in a panic. What had she been thinking? “We’re basically strangers. Holy shit .” Although, with the way his arms flex as they cross across his chest, Rey has a really good idea at exactly what her drunken self had been thinking.

“Are you glad I said no, then?” His voice sounds a little darker than before; Rey can’t quite tell if he’s annoyed with her or not. There’s a nudge of feeling in her chest, an impression that maybe she’s totally missing something. But that old wall of defensiveness and self-preservation comes slamming down.

“Maybe so,” she snaps out with a frown, crossing her arms under her breasts.

Ben looks like he wants to frown back at her maybe, but he doesn’t. Instead he chooses to stare at her. Rey stares right back, her pantless and him shirtless. Two half-naked peas in a pod.

“Do you want to get brunch,” he blurts. He doesn’t really frame it as a question.

“You don’t look like someone who ‘gets brunch’,” Rey points out, not really sure why she’s already so feisty and on edge this morning.

“Neither do you,” he fires back easily.

They glower at each other.

“Fine,” Rey bites out, already turning to walk out of the kitchen. “But let me put some pants on, at least.”

“And I’ll grab a shirt at mine.” He’s right behind her, a sudden wall of heat before he moves around her to the front door of the house. “Meet you back here in ten.”

**

“I have a question.”

Ben’s voice is soft in his car, a 2018 BWM X6 that Rey wouldn’t mind getting behind the wheel of herself. There’s an air freshener tucked into the sun visor above Rey’s head that makes the whole car smell like a pine forest.

She’d pulled out her phone and texted Poe as soon as she made the absolutely insane decision to get inside Ben’s car and go to brunch with him, a relative stranger. 

who the hell is ben solo??

Rey looks up from her phone and turns to face Ben, who, like her, is finally fully clothed. He’s focusing on his driving, but she still sees the way his throat moves as he swallows.

“Okay,” she says. “Ask away.”

“Why were you trying to pack your shit away last night?”

Rey winces. “Ah.”

He huffs. She can’t tell if he’s actually amused when he says, “Leaving already? I guess I made quite the impression.”

“Listen, it’s not you. I’m… I was upset,” Rey says sharply, then frowns at how it sounds. It’s not you, it’s me . They’ve known each other twelve fucking hours. She slumps down into the comfortable passenger seat. “I’m going to stay the week.” As soon as she says it Rey knows it’s true. Despite last night’s little bump, she’ll make it through this week. Finn and Poe deserve their special, private week together.

Ben is quiet, not responding to her right away. He swears sharply at a car in front of them. Then: “Right. The cafe I’m taking you to has like, thirty different kinds of pancakes.”

Rey’s phone buzzes in her hand but she ignores it. “Wait, seriously?”

His mouth quirks; Rey fixates on it, wondering if she can actually get him to smile. “They have every topping you can think of. Any fruit you could want on your pancake, they have. So you better— use your gas pedal you absolute shithead of a motherfucker! —get pumped. This place is awesome.”

Rey gapes at him, takes in the angle of his jaw and his regal nose in profile. He’s scowling at the road, but when he slows the car to a stop at a red light he finally turns his head and regards her. She watches as his scowl seamlessly disappears into something calmer as he gazes at her.

She shifts a bit in her seat as he openly drinks her in, her lower abdomen clenching in anticipation for something that is definitely not going to happen. He’d already rejected her last night, technically.

Fuck, why is she doing this?

Her phone buzzes again in her hand and the light turns green. Both of them sharply look away from each other as the car moves ahead. Rey turns her attention to her phone, looking at the two messages that Poe has sent to her.

LMAO Ben texted me the same thing asking who you are

He’s my best bud I’ve known him since third grade. Kinda weird, but good guy. Don’t ever bring up The Iron Throne around him. 

Her face turning into a sly grin, Rey taps out a reply to him.

you know this means im def asking him about it

Then, before she can lose her nerve, she sends out:

we’re going to brunch

As Rey presses send Ben finally pulls into the parking lot for the cafe, grumbling about people who can’t park. He’s moody, this one. But Rey doesn’t find herself put out by it, and she thinks it might be because of the way his whole demeanor changes every time he takes her in. 

Something stirs in her, something sweet that makes her smile at him as he parks. When he smiles back at her she can’t help but feel like she’s being treated to something rare and special.

Maybe she is.

**

“You weren’t kidding about the pancake options.” Rey has her menu spread out before her, mouth hanging open as she tries to take in all the different kinds of pancakes she can possibly order. “I can get some with mozzarella and honey on them,” she marvels.

Ben sips from his coffee mug, looking pleased. “Told you.”

“How are you not even looking at a menu?”

His pleased expression shrinks, but only a little. “I’ve been here that many times.”

Rey gives a hum of response, shaking her head and flipping the menu to eye the page filled with all sorts of breakfast sandwiches. “This is too much.” Her voice is almost a whine.

Ben huffs out a laugh, looking at her in amusement. “You can always order something to-go for later, if you can’t make up your mind between two different things.”

Rey laughs too, although she’s decidedly less amused. “Not with these prices.” She firmly flips back over to the page covered in pancakes.

Ben shifts a little from the other side of the booth. “I got it.”

Rey straightens. “What do you mean you ‘got it’? You can’t mean you’re paying.”

“I am and I’m going to.” There’s a stubborn set to his jaw now.

Rey sighs, flipping the menu closed with exasperation. “Ben, listen, I appreciate that you want to pay for me but I can pay for myself. If you feel bad about scaring me or like, rejecting me last night—“

“Please stop talking,” he smoothly interrupts.

Rey feels her anger beginning to churn. “Excuse me?”

“Me paying for you, it’s not a question of me feeling guilty or whether you can take care of yourself.” He pauses here to firmly point to the black eye she gave him last night. He continues when Rey rolls her eyes. “I’m paying for you because I want to. Nothing you can say can convince me otherwise. You’re in a losing argument.” He taps her menu. “Pick your pancakes, I can see our waitress coming.”

Rey barely has time to glower at him before their chipper waitress stops at their table to take their order. The woman tops off Rey’s iced tea as Ben orders some kind of steak breakfast burrito insanity.

The waitress smiles down at Rey politely. “And what about you?”

Rey eyes all her pancake options, starting to panic a little under the stares of Ben and the waitress as they both wait for her to order. She plops her finger randomly onto the page and blurts out what it landed on.

“I’ll take the Spy Walker Pancakes,” she says, feeling a blush creep into her cheeks as she hands the menu to the waitress, who exclaims, “Excellent choice!”

But before their waitress can take the menu Ben snatches it back. “She’s thinking of placing a to-go order,” he explains, and the waitress nods agreeably before walking away.

Rey could argue. She could.

But something inside tells her not to. She slumps down a little in her booth, trying to get comfortable as she appraises Ben. 

She shakes her head at him, but instead of bringing up who’s paying to continue their argument, she says, “What do you do?”

Rey can tell she’s surprised him by the way he suddenly clears his throat. Then he sighs, looks away from her before covering his face with his hands and groaning.

“Do’I have’ta tell ya?” he grumbles through his fingers.

Rey slides her glass of tea to rest right in front of her. “Um, yes? I wanna know what you do. Poe is rich as shit and you’re his neighbor, which means you’re definitely comfortable .” Her anger is churning again. Why does this man get her riled so easily? 

She narrows her eyes at him. “Are you a fucking drug runner?”

“What?! Jesus Christ, no.”

“Do you make counterfeit art?”

“Rey, what the fuck—”

“Do you—”

“I’m Kylo Ren.” He looks boyish as he confesses this, as if this vulnerability has made him younger, somehow. 

Ever molecule, cell, what have you in Rey’s body freezes at this confession. “What?” she squeaks out.

He’s gone paler than usual. “Kylo Ren is my pen name. I wrote, well,” he coughs here, looking irritated, “I’m writing The Iron Throne novels.” He starts fiddling with the sugar packets that sit on the table. “That’s actually why I came over to Poe’s last night. I’m struggling with the sixth book and I got in an argument with my editor and…” He flings the sugar packet to the side, runs a hand through his hair in frustration. 

Rey’s brain isn’t really comprehending what he’s saying beyond the fact that he—

“The Iron Throne books are my favorite books ever!” The way the words tumble out of her mouth, it’s like she can’t get them out fast enough. She props her elbows on the table too and leans forward, regarding him in a new manner.

No wonder he’s kinda weird. He’s a writer.

And a damn good one at that.

Ben’s pale complexion has given way to a full red flush. “Yeah?” He’s bouncing his knee under the table in nervousness. “You’re not gonna ask me about the sixth book are—”

“Fuck the fuck yeah I am!” she exclaims, her wholesome delight lighting up her entire face. Ben pauses briefly, like for a moment his entire being has come grinding to a halt at her expression.

“But later, when I’ve had time to process that you’re Kylo fucking Ren,” she continues. “I will go ahead and say if Sarya and Fendry don’t end up alive and happy and together, well.” She shrugs, grinning slyly. “I know where you live.”

The waitress appears with their brunch, and Rey becomes too distracted with her pancakes (chocolate velvet pancakes with strawberries, mascarpone cream, Oreos, Nutella, and whipped cream) to truly take in the way Ben is looking at her.

Like he wants to eat her instead.

**

Rey tries really, really hard to finish all of her pancakes. She eats her way through at least half of her stack, but it’s so rich that she eventually slows, groaning as she pushes one final forkful into her mouth. Chewing, she pats her belly and falls back into the booth, utterly stuffed. She’d put in a valiant effort indeed.

“Ya’full?” Ben asks from his spot across the table. He’s only a few bites away from having completely demolished his steak breakfast burrito, which was easily one of the biggest servings of food that Rey had ever seen in person.

And this looming man is almost finished eating the entire thing.

Rey nods, sticking her tongue out to lick at some maple syrup trapped in the corner of her mouth. Ben’s eyes track the movement attentively, focusing on her lips as he shovels the last few bites of steak and egg and cheese and peppers into his mouth.

“You eat like Kaydel,” she muses, not really putting much consideration into who she’s mentioning.

“Who’s Kaydel?” Ben ends the question with a long, gnarly burp, which earns him a few scandalous looks from the table of old ladies seated next to him.

But Rey laughs, eyes lighting up in good humor. Then she clears her throat and releases a breath, shoulders slumping a little. “Kay, um. She’s my ex who just…” she trails off, shakes her head. “She’s going to go teach in Scotland. Whatever,” Rey grumbles, trying not to sound too bitter. Kaydel is a lovely young woman and for all intents and purposes was a great girlfriend.

“How long were the two of you together?” Ben questions, not looking at all like he cares that he’s technically prying. He places his used silverware and napkins onto his now empty plate so the waitress can easily clear it away.

“Six months,” Rey answers quietly. “Not a super long time, but… It just sucks, ya know? I don’t think I was in love with her or anything but it still hurts.” She pauses. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” she admits to him.

Ben doesn’t respond right away. He takes her in in that way of his, sharply. As if he won’t miss anything about her and doesn’t want to. 

“Well. Fuck Kaydel,” he states, matter of fact.

This sartles a laugh out of Rey. “Yeah.”

“Yeah. FUCK KAYDEL! FUCK! KAYDEL!” he shouts at the top of his lungs, making Rey’s mouth drop open in shock. The whole restaurant seems to grind to a halt, and Rey tries unsuccessfully to contain her laughter. When conversations from other customers begin to hesitantly start again she keels over with mirth.

“ Oh my god ,” she gasps, tears pricking the corner of her eyes as she laughs. “What is wrong with you?” she teases.

He’s smiling back at her, letting out a little laugh himself. He doesn’t answer her because their waitress comes hurrying over, clutching a to-go box for Rey’s leftover pancakes and asking them if everything is alright. Rey is still trying to get a hold of her laughter as Ben assures their server that everything is fine. Then he fires off a to-go order before Rey can interject.

Once the waitress is walking off, Rey tilts her head in slight annoyance. “Did you just place a to-go order for me?”

“Yep.”

She’s appalled at the casual look on his face, as if this is fine. “What the fuck, Ben, you didn’t even let me pick what I want!”

He doesn’t look the least bit perturbed. “Don’t worry, I got you something you’ll like. Plus, it would’ve taken you at least half an hour to choose.”

“That’s not true!” she protests, grabbing the menu still on their table and flipping it open. Outside of the page of pancakes are pages and pages of other options that, admittedly, would’ve taken her forever to go over.

When she looks back up at him, glowering, Ben has his eyebrows raised at her. He’s enjoying this.

“What did you order for me?” Rey grumbles.

“Spicy pulled pork pasta,” he answers smoothly.

Rey wants to scream. “Damnit, that sounds good.”

Ben doesn’t say I told you so , but it’s written all over his face.

Something occurs to Rey. “Did you order something for yourself, Mr. Bossy?”

He snorts here at her childish nickname. “I did.”

“So, we’re having dinner together, then.” Rey flips the menu closed. She’d pointed this out casually but now the air between them is a little more tense.

For the first time throughout their whole meal Ben looks a little unsure. “Well, you wanted to ask me about the sixth book.”

Rey parts her mouth, but pauses before saying anything. It’s technically true that she wants to pepper him with questions about the fact that he’s Kylo fucking Ren. But she has a sneaking suspicion he pointed that out to divert from something else.

He’s nervously playing with the sugar packets again. His hands are big and his fingers are so long, Rey knows just by looking at them that both hands would wrap around her entire waist with ease. She pictures it, feels the need to squirm in her seat. Thinks about what one of those hands would look like if he wrapped it around her throat while—if he tugged on her hair when he—

“You okay?”

Rey is brought right back to earth at Ben’s genuine look of concern. “I’m fine.” She’s impressed with how relaxed she sounds, considering. 

She’s undoubtedly attracted to Ben. 

But she’d already put herself out there last night and he’d rejected her. And granted, he should have because they were both intoxicated, but wouldn’t he have made a move today? If he was interested in that way?

If he really wanted her?

Ben is still eyeing her with concern, unconvinced. He’s decent. Rey knows this intrinsically, deep down. Ben is good. He’ll be good. And maybe right now Rey just needs a good friend.

Besides, she’s only here for a week. Realistically speaking nothing more than friendship can come out of this visit anyway. That’s what Rey tells herself.

She nods, even grins a bit at him when the waitress comes out with the check and their to-go orders. “I definitely want to talk to you about that book. Be prepared though, no amount of delicious pasta is going to keep me from asking about James and Brianna.”

A flash of relief crosses his face before he quickly masks it. “I thought you wanted to ask about Sarya and Fendry.”

“Oh, my guy, I’m gonna ask about both.” Giggling a little, Rey checks her phone as Ben handles the check, wondering if Poe has texted her back yet.

She discovers she has fourteen texts from both Poe and Finn, as well as a few missed calls from her brother. Rey hurriedly opens the latest text from Finn, praying that nothing awful has happened. Instead, she sees that he’s sent her several pictures.

All of them feature Finn with a beautiful new ring on his finger.

Chapter Text

This is a song for anyone with a broken heart
This is a song for anyone who can't get out of bed
I'll do anything to be happy
Oh, 'cause blue skies are coming
But I know that it's hard

--"Blue Skies" by Noah and the Whale

**

Not even the shitty quality of her old laptop’s video features could impair the look of pure joy on Finn’s face as he talks to Rey about the engagement over Zoom.

Finn’s joy is also Rey’s joy. She can feel it, light and sweet and warm, emanating from him and surrounding her like a balm. She beams back at him, hoping he can see her happiness despite how pixelated she looks on camera. 

Finn holds his new ring, platinum and shiny, as close to the camera as he can get. “See the inscription?”

Rey squints. She can only really vaguely make out something, but she nods regardless. “Yeah! It looks like, um—”

Finn’s smile is soft as he gently interrupts. “It says ‘Unbreakable’. This was Poe’s mother’s engagement ring. Poe’s been wearing it around his neck since she died. And now…” Finn trails off. Rey doesn’t think she’s ever seen him this happy before. There’s a surreal glow around him that she can’t help but bask in. “Poe said he was going to propose on Valentine’s Day but he changed his mind. Got impatient.” Finn rolls his eyes, but the fondness and love on his face is unmistakable.

Rey laughs too, shaking her head because that sounds exactly like something Poe would do.“‘Unbreakable’ is a good way to describe you two,” she says, voice a little shaky. She’s smiling so hard her cheeks are beginning to ache.

“I think so too,” Finn agrees, slipping the ring back onto his engagement finger. He gazes at it, taking it in and Rey feels a tiny twinge of envy. Not toward her brother’s well deserved happiness and soon-to-be marriage. It was that he had been given such a precious heirloom. That Poe would give Finn such a special ring is so romantic it makes Rey’s chest squeeze.

Heirlooms like that are rare for orphans like her and Finn.

“Finn,” she utters his name softly, catching his attention. He looks up at her, brown eyes nearly brimming over with exuberance. And despite the shit quality of Rey’s stupid laptop, Rey and Finn share one of their looks , as if in that moment they can understand perfectly what the other is thinking, feeling.

Rey can’t put into words how pleased she is for her best friend, but she can grin at him. “It’s so beautiful,” she says about the ring, biting at her thumb nail, giggling with Finn as he takes it off again to show her once more how it shines and catches the light.

“I’m so happy for you,” she says, sniffing a little as the tears finally get to her. “Poe is so awesome, and you’re so amazing, and you’re both going to be so amazing together and have amazing kids—” She gasps a little for air here, rubbing the tears from her face with the back of her hands.

Finn is smiling from ear to ear. “Thank you, Rey.” 

She returns his grin. “I’m Maid of Honor, right?”

Finn doesn’t miss a beat. “Yes, and you’re throwing me the most amazing bachelor party. I want a dick shaped cake.”

**

Rey feels emotional after her conversation with Finn. She curls up on the expensive leather couch in the living room with BB-8, rubbing the cat’s ears and scratching down her spine as they lounge together.

She’s so, so happy for her brother, her best friend.

But she can’t help but want the same thing for herself, long for it even. Her thoughts drift to Kaydel, but they also drift to the ones before, like Hux and Jessika. None of them had ever made her beam like Finn had been beaming today through a computer screen.

She sighs, considers getting up and investigating the bar downstairs when a loud, lively jingle rings throughout the house. Rey freezes, not knowing where the sound is coming from when it rings again. Then she realizes it’s the fucking doorbell.

Rey gently maneuvers BB-8 to the side; the old cat doesn’t appreciate the movement and swishes her tail at Rey before curling up on one of the couch pillows.

“Did you change your mind?” The question is muffled since it’s coming through a solid front door, but Rey hears Ben all the same.

She hurries over to the front door and opens it, already wishing she’d spent less time thinking on the couch and more time getting presentable for…

For whatever the hell this is.

Rey is dressed respectably in leggings and a slightly baggy but incredibly soft New York Yankees t-shirt that used to be Finn’s. It’s one of her more comfortable outfits.

Ben eyes her shirt with slight distaste. “I didn’t take you for a Yankees fan.”

“I don’t give a shit about sports,” she fires back. Her bluntness takes Ben aback, but he laughs.

The sound of it makes Rey’s chest warm. She steps inside and Ben walks past her, broad chest nearly brushing her own.

“I have our to-go orders from earlier,” he says somewhat pointlessly, as he’s clutching the bags in his hands. “Did you want to eat now, or?”

“In a bit.” Rey bites her lip and admires him. He’s dressed casually too, in jeans and a soft grey Radiohead concert tour shirt. She’ll definitely ask him about that later. She follows him as he walks into the kitchen and puts away their dinner.

“Did you get to talk to Finn?” Ben asks casually, grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge. She’d told him when he’d dropped her back off at Poe’s after brunch that she desperately needed to speak to her brother face-to-face.

Rey accepts the bottle of water that he hands her. “Yep. He told me Poe proposed while they were sitting together on the couch, and he showed me the ring. It’s beautiful.” There’s a note of longing in her voice and she quickly clears her throat.

“Poe used his mom’s ring, right?”

“Yeah!” Rey blinks, slightly surprised that Ben already knows that detail. “I—the fact that he did that… I can tell it meant a lot to Finn.”

Ben nods, looking a little pleased. “That’s good. I’m glad.” He sips from his water bottle, smiling a little. “That was my idea.”

“Oh?”

Ben nods. “Poe was fretting over what kind of ring Finn might like and…” He pauses here to laugh to himself. “Poe can be a massive pain in the ass when he’s trying to do something and can’t figure it out on the first try. He was about to sink nearly twenty grand on a ring so I said, man, just give your guy your mom’s band. It’ll mean way more than any starburst-diamond-encrusted-white-gold fucking bullshit.”

Rey laughs, shocked over how much money Poe was willing to invest in a wedding band and pleasantly surprised over Ben’s thoughtfulness.

“Well, you were right.”

The small smile on his face blooms into a smirk. “Usually am.”

“Except you weren’t right when you separated Sarya and Fendry in the fourth Iron Throne book.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about how you made me go through the whole fifth book without their banter.”

Ben throws his head back and heaves an exaggerated sigh. She can’t tell if he’s smiling, with his head facing the ceiling like that. “It’s a narrative choice.”

Rey chuckles, deciding not to press any more about his books. For now. She jerks her head toward the door that leads to the basement. “I was thinking about exploring the bar, maybe watching a movie in the theater room?”

They regard each other with the same wide-eyed, somewhat wistful expression. Ben swallows, then nods. “Okay. Sure.”

**

They debate over which movie to watch for nearly an hour.

Ben suggests Donnie Darko .

Rey shakes her head. “I’ve seen that one and I didn’t get it.”

“I can explain it to you.”

“Of course you can.”

Rey proposes The Princess Bride .

Ben declines. “I just rewatched that last week.”

They eventually settle on The Matrix because Rey has never seen it.

Poe has Angry Orchard and Famosa on tap. There’s a small fridge specifically for chilling glasses; Rey grabs a glass and fills it with the golden Guatemalan lager while Ben puts the movie into the fancy projector.

The beer is crisp and bitter on her tongue. Rey looks over at the popcorn machine. She clears her throat to get Ben’s attention. “Should we pop some?”

**

Rey spills popcorn on the floor, doubled over laughing. Six luxurious recliners are lined up in the little theater. Rey is sprawled in one in the first row, Ben in the one right beside her.

Ben gives her a withering look. “It’s supposed to be cool.”

Rey can hardly breathe from laughing. “Keanu just unloaded all those bullets into that room and not a single one touched Morpheus?!”

“It’s a movie,” Ben grumbles and Rey calms herself enough to gleefully stuff more popcorn in her mouth.

Half an hour later she’s nudging him with her elbow, mouth agape. “So they’re just not going to explain how she kissed him back to life?”

“It’s a movie,” he repeats, but his mouth is tilted up a bit in amusement, as if he too recognizes how cheesy the ending is. Rey just shakes her head with a smile, finishing off her third serving of popcorn in contentment. The credits roll, and the room darkens along with the darkened screen.

Rey swallows and places the now empty popcorn bag to the side. She turns to face Ben, feeling curious. “You know, I’ve known Poe for years, but he’s never really mentioned you.”

Ben stills in the leather recliner next to her before letting out a breath. “We were friends as little kids, and we stayed friends up until high school, but in college…”

Rey settles in her recliner, facing Ben. He shifts a little in his seat so that he’s facing her too, brown eyes contemplative.

“I was an asshole in college. More like a bastard really.” He glances down, eyes taking in her freckled cheeks before he looks away. “I had a mentor who just filled my mind with extremist bullshit. He was in my life for a several years before I broke away from him. By then I was twenty-five with no relationship with anyone in my family, or any friends. So, I wrote.”

Rey remembers how the first four Iron Throne books were published nearly back-to-back, a new book a year. She suspects that’s one of the reasons why it gained popularity so quickly.

“Poe’s mom died while I was writing the third book,” Ben continues. There’s a loaded pause, the music coming from the still rolling credits the only sound in the room. “I didn’t reach out.”

Another long pause.

Rey doesn’t say anything, sensing that he’s not finished.

“I should have. I know I should have. I was a shit friend. So, when my dad died a little over a year ago and Poe reached out to me after everything I just…”

He sniffs, clearly trying not to get too emotional. “He’s my best friend again, I guess. I bought the house next to him so that it’d be easier for us to hang out in this accursed city.” He raises an eyebrow at her. “It was Poe’s suggestion.”

Rey smirks. “Oh, I believe it.”

The credits finally end, plunging the room into near total darkness. Neither Rey nor Ben make to get up.

“Your brother roped a good one,” Ben says, deep voice cutting through the dark. “Poe is a good man.”

“Yeah,” Rey agrees. “Finn deserves a good man, I’m glad he and Poe found each other. Finn looked so fucking happy when I talked to him today. He deserves that.”

Ben doesn’t reply, which is fine. The darkness around them is comforting. She can just make out the shape of his body sitting next to her, face turned to her and lined in shadows.

Rey shudders a little. It feels like the darkness will slurp up any secrets she might speak into it. “Do you ever feel like other people’s joy can be so bright that it burns?”

Ben doesn’t respond, but she can hear his deep breathing as he listens. He rests his arm on the armrest between their recliners, hand brushing against her own. It emboldens her to continue.

“After I talked to Finn I just felt...emotionally sore. I was so happy for him, am so happy for him. But I just wonder...when will I feel that kind of joy?” She’s proud of how steady her voice is.

Ben grasps her hand in his. “You’re not alone.”

There’s a pang in her chest and Rey sucks in a shuddering breath.

“You’re not alone, Rey,” he repeats. “In your longing. You’re not alone.”

**

They eventually make their way back upstairs, where they spend the next hour reheating and eating their to-go orders from earlier and arguing over music.

“Were you belting The Killers yesterday when I walked in?”

Rey nods, answering despite her mouthful of pasta. “Mhmm.”

“They’re terrible. Just saying.”

“Yeah’well!” Rey swallows. “Radiohead is the most overrated band of all time!”

Ben suddenly looks angrier than she’s ever seen him in the short time she’s known him. “You take that back!” he shouts.

But Rey only giggles, fork clattering into her now empty plate. The sounds of her laughter cools his anger immediately and Rey suspects that it never really was that hot to begin with.

He’s playing. And so is she.

**

When Ben finally makes his way to the front door to go back to his house, Rey follows him to walk him out. She’s sleepy and sated, belly full of carbs.

She opens the front door and Ben walks through it, before turning around and lingering on the doorstep. “Today was fun. I, uh, needed it.”

Rey nods in agreement. “Yeah, me too.” Then, before she can lose her nerve, she grabs Ben’s arm and pulls him into a hug. He smells good, like fresh laundry and a distinctly male scent that’s uniquely his own. Rey could bathe in it. “Thanks for hanging out with me today,” she says into his chest. It rumbles underneath her cheek, like he’s chuckling. He thanks her too, then is pulling away.

Rey thinks she might have felt him press a kiss to the top of her hair. Ben is out of sight before she can wish him goodnight.

Chapter Text

Well time has a way of throwing it all in your face

The past, she is haunted, the future is laced

Heartbreak, you know, drives a big black car

Swear I was in the back seat, just minding my own

--”Big Black Car” by Gregory Alan Isakov

**

Rey wakes up the next morning to the same rays of sun that had been hitting her face the morning before. She squints against the intrusion, sniffing and moving around underneath the comforter and sheets.

Poe has perhaps the most comfortable bed she’s ever slept on. No wonder he told her to skip the guest bed and use his own. “You’re a special guest,” he’d insisted, and boy is she grateful right about now.

She’s tempted to shuffle further beneath the covers and into the sleep-warm mattress, but a perturbed “meow” has her lifting her face and peering to her right.

BB-8 is sitting next to the pillow, her fluffy fur on her right side a little smushed down from where she’d been sleeping. The cat looks half awake herself, but cognizant enough to nudge at Rey’s face with her paw and meow again.

“You’re so demanding,” Rey grumbles, voice hoarse from sleep.

The cat yowls again before walking across the bed, making sure to step on Rey as much as possible, and hopping down to the carpeted bedroom floor. She sits at the door and looks back at Rey expectantly.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Rey says, finally sounding a little more awake.

**

Twenty minutes later she’s given BB-8 her breakfast and is sipping coffee from a mug, still not wholly certain she’d used Poe’s hoity toity looking coffee maker correctly. Whatever beans he had were a little too dark roasted for her tastes, and she’d found herself raiding his fridge for his organic creamer and chocolate syrup.

Now it’s drinkable and she sips contentedly, watching the elderly cat gingerly eat her breakfast of wet tuna-adjacent cat food.

Poe had his garage turned into a fairly fancy home gym, so after Rey is done with her coffee she puts her used mug into the dishwasher and goes to change into clothes appropriate for working out in.

After she works out, she’ll of course have to shower, she decides.

By then it’ll be, what, noon?

Rey glances to the front door. There’s technically no reason for anyone to come by, much less the neighbor…

But say, maybe if she popped over next door around noon after her workout and shower, maybe asked if he knew a good market to go to... Or a sandwich shop… Or if he wanted to watch the second Matrix movie?

Shit.

Rey berates herself for not getting his number the night before. She supposes she could text Poe and ask him for it, but that seems like cheating, somehow. Instead she changes clothes, grabs a bottle of water and throws herself into using all the weird looking workout machines that Poe has set up in his garage. She turns on metal and gets to work.

Anything, really, to get her mind off of Poe’s stupid neighbor.

**

After her workout and shower, Rey takes her time drying her hair so that it’s shiny and soft to the touch. She does her hair because, why not? Sometimes it’s nice to do one’s hair, to put on jean shorts that are just on this side of too-short and a tight black, mesh tank top that has little dinosaur prints all over it. When she adds on a pair of sneakers she feels cute.

Totally for herself, she thinks.

BB-8 is lounging in her large cat tree that sits by the bay windows in the living room. She’s soaking in the sun and barely acknowledges Rey with a flick of her tail as Rey walks out the front door.

Ben’s house is quite literally right next door to Poe’s. Rey walks down the short driveway, strolls a bit to her right and sees Ben’s house. It’s not quite as large as Poe’s, but it still seems grandiose to Rey. She slows a little as she walks along the pathway leading to the front door, biting her bottom lip and suddenly feeling silly.

Ben hadn’t mentioned anything about them hanging out today. Rey finds herself second guessing everything as she comes to stand on the front porch. Hadn’t they technically hung out all day yesterday, and the night before that? Maybe yesterday he didn’t have anything to do, had just spent it getting to know Poe’s house sitter in order to be polite.

But Rey snorts as soon as she thinks it, Ben and ‘polite’ somehow not really going together. Before she can lose her nerve and allow her doubts to cloud her thoughts further, she rings on the doorbell. She grabs the mail from the mail slot to the side of his door so that she technically has an ‘excuse’ to be there. Then she knocks for good measure.

There’s sudden shouting coming from inside the house and Rey freezes, thinking for a second that she’s definitely fucked up somehow—

Ben swings open the door. “What the fuck do you—” He cuts himself off as soon as he registers that it’s Rey standing on his doorstep. He swallows, the anger draining from his face and quickly turning into curiosity. “Hey, Rey!” His brown eyes are a little wide. “I didn’t think—I was actually going to, um, swing by or ask Poe for your—”

Rey shoves the mail that she’s holding into that broad chest of his. “Yeah! I just, um, thought I’d be a good neighbor and bring you your mail.”

Ben slowly looks down at the mail she’s holding against him before looking back at Rey’s face. They stare at each other for a bit of a long, drawn out moment, as if both are fully aware of how silly this is.

Ben accepts the mail from Rey. “Erm, thank you. You can, uh, come in. I have a meeting with my editor in a couple of minutes but you can hang out here until it’s done, if you want.” He steps aside, beckons with his free hand.

So Rey walks into Ben Solo’s house.

**

Ben’s house is completely different from Poe’s.

Sure, it’s large and open like Poe’s; they’d definitely been designed by the same construction company that had overlooked the architecture and building of this neighborhood. The cabinets were the same, hinting that the company had used the same cabinet supplier in all the houses. This sort of thing is Rey and FInn’s forte, technically.

But aside from both houses having clearly been designed by the same person, the similarities end there. Poe’s house is comfortable, spacious but homey. And everything matched, from the paint on the walls to the color of the couches to the tile used in the kitchen and bathrooms. 

Ben’s house looks like his brain has figuratively splattered itself everywhere. There are things covering all the walls -  beautiful tapestries, random intricate sketches of zombies and galaxies, as if Ben gets bored sometimes and doodles on the walls. There’s a giant, framed Labyrinth poster, and when Rey creeps closer to it she realizes its fucking signed. She gapes at David Bowie’s signature before turning back to Ben, mouth hanging open.

“Your place is insane. There’s so much - oh my god is that a Nightmare Before Christmas puppet?!” Her question turns into a little bit of a shriek in her excitement. There’s a long table against the wall in the living room, low and clearly meant for displaying things. And sitting on top of it inside a glass display case is what looks to be a Sally puppet from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Rey rushes up to it, holding up a hand as if to touch before snatching it away herself.

The puppet looks—

“It’s an original one from the movie.” Ben answers her unspoken question, coming up to stand beside her, mail still in one hand. “It has to stay in the case and can’t really be handled anymore. You can tell she’s deteriorating a little.” He gestures to where Sally’s dress is fraying, where her hands are deforming. “The material the puppets are made from weren’t really designed to last nearly thirty years.” He’s smiling at the figurine, face fond. Rey realizes he’s gone somewhere else. “It was my dad’s.”

The fond, soft expression fades a bit and he glances away from the puppet, away from Rey. “A lot of this stuff was my dad’s.” Then he swallows and walks off toward what Rey presumes to be the kitchen. She follows him, and the kitchen is surprisingly less busy than the rest of what Rey has seen of the house thus far.

Ben tosses the mail onto the kitchen table, but one falls onto the floor. Rey bends down to quickly scoop it up, but pauses when she sees who the letter is from.

“Uh, Ben? You’ve got mail from Organa Publishing.”

He grunts. “That’s just my mom.”

Rey’s brain wipes. “W-What?”

Ben walks right up to where she’s standing, taking the letter from her and walking over to a drawer. He opens it and it’s filled with other letters that also boldly say Organa Publishing. He tosses the newest letter onto the top of the others and then closes the drawer with finality.

Ben sighs. “My mom is Leia Organa. She’s the CEO of Organa Publishing and…” He pauses here, eyes Rey with a look of slight irritation, as if knowing what she’s about to say—

“Leia Organa wrote the Padme Amidala mysteries,” Rey breathes, completely and utterly stunned. For a moment she’s in middle school again, too standoffish and untrusting to make friends so she’d read during lunch so that she wouldn’t notice that she was alone. She remembers discovering the Padme Amidala mysteries in sixth grade in the school library and there’d been no turning back. She’d been obsessed with them, totally obsessed. They’d been a much needed friend during lunch throughout the rest of the school year.

“I really loved those books as a kid,” Rey admits quietly. She’s not really sure what kind of reaction to expect from Ben, but she’s not quite prepared for the total apathy in the way he shrugs off the fact that his mother is a famous writer.

“And I love your books, too,” Rey says, “so it must run in the family.” This seems to ease the tension in his shoulders just a bit, and his mouth quirks up. But only a little.

He takes a deep breath, turning away from the drawer and leaning against the countertop. He’s dressed casually in black joggers and a white v-neck. His hair looks especially good, though, like he’d taken the time to fix it.

“I have a meeting with my editor in like, five minutes—”

“Oh shit, did you want me to—”

“No, no!” Ben holds up his hands, and for a second Rey thinks he’s going to place them on her shoulders. But he doesn’t. “No, if you want to hang around here until I’m done that’s fine.” But then he shoots her a glance of doubt. “Unless, you just—”

“I’m cool with waiting.” She bites her bottom lip. His eyes catch the movement. Thoughts of the mail and Ben’s mom fade and Rey remembers how fucking short her shorts are, how her top shows off her tanned arms and freckled shoulders.

“Okay.” His voice is lower.

“Okay.”

“And after the meeting we can do whatever you want.”

Rey laughs, and of course her mind goes there . “Oh, anything I want, huh?” She raises an eyebrow and god, she almost winks but chickens out at the last second, remembering what happened the very first night they met. 

His mouth parts and he steps closer to her, hand reaching out like he might touch her this time, when his phone in his pocket starts beeping incessantly.

Ben groans, whipping it out and turning off the alarm. “So, I’ve got my meeting. I’ll be in my office,” he gentures out of the kitchen and down the hall. “The remote for the TV in the living room is on the coffee table. I have all the streaming apps, so. Have at it. Oh and whatever is in the fridge, just help yourself.”

Rey nods and he nods back, and they stand there for a moment like two pathetic bobblehead dolls before Ben clears his throat and walks off toward his office.

Rey takes a few steps to follow, to head toward the living room where she’ll probably ignore his TV and ogle his things instead. But first...first she eyes the drawer filled with unopened letters from Organa Publishing.

**

Ben hasn’t been in his meeting for longer than ten minutes before his shouting begins lighting up the entire house. Rey, who had been busying herself looking at everything in his bookcases, can’t help but overhear everything that’s being shouted by not only Ben but his editor as well.

They’re fucking loud .

“I’ve fucking told you, Holdo, that the upcoming deadline in March isn’t going to fucking work for me.”

“Ben—” This voice is a little staticy since it's coming through a computer, but Rey can still understand it loud and clear. “We’ve already moved this deadline back three times now. If we push it back again the publisher is going to—”

“I don’t give a shit about what the publisher is going to say, Holdo. I don’t have it fucking written , okay? Is that what you want to fucking hear?! It’s just not fucking there, alright?! But if the fucking publisher just has to have it next month than I guess I can take a shit and wipe my ass—”

“Ben,” Holdo smoothly interrupts, and Rey suspects this is not the first tirade she’s been subjected to. “I get that you’re freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking—”

“I get that you’re freaking out,” Holdo says, gently cutting him off again. “I know things have been difficult for you, creatively, since your dad died. And I know that you and Leia had a spat at his funeral, but I also know she’s been trying to contact you—”

“Holdo.” Ben’s voice is so quiet now compared to his earlier shouting; it makes the hair on Rey’s arms stand up. “Do not talk about—”

“I just think she could be able to help you. She’s mentioned to me that she has some ideas on how to get you out of this writing rut that you’re in.”

“You spoke to my mother about me.” Ben states it too calmly and Rey finds herself creeping toward the office until she’s basically hovering outside of it.

Holdo sighs, and Rey can just make out the slightly pitying face of the woman peering at Ben through his fancy desktop monitor. Ben’s editor shakes her head; she has lilac hair, Rey realizes. “She asks about your well being all the time, Ben. Of course I talk to her about you. She really, really thinks she could help.”

“I don’t give a shit what she thinks.” Ben isn’t even sitting at his computer chair, he’s leaning over his desk, body tensed with anger.

Holdo lets out a sigh of exasperation. “Ben, call your fucking mother. Also, who gave you that black eye?”

“ OH , FUCK OFF, HOLDO! ” Since Ben isn’t using a laptop he can’t dramatically slam it shut to end the meeting, but he exits out of the conversation window so vehemently Rey thinks he might break his mouth. He straightens up quickly and whips around, as if sensing that Rey is right there.

His cheeks are a bit pink with anger and he runs his hands through his hair, clearly frazzled.

Rey twists her hands in front of her, feeling slightly uncomfortable. “So, that sounded like it went really well.”

Unfortunately her attempt at a joke falls flat. Frowning, Ben doesn’t respond, just scoots around her out of his office and into the hallway. He marches into his kitchen at near record speed, immediately grabbing a beer from the fridge. He doesn’t offer her one, which should’ve been Rey’s first clue that maybe, despite his earlier assurances, he’s not in the best mood for company.

He twists off the cap and takes a long pull from the bottle, eyes staring at the wall.

Rey finds her gaze drifting toward the drawer full of unopened letters from his mother. Rey, still trying to make the atmosphere lighter, says, “Maybe you could call your mom. Her ideas might be useless but they might inspire you. Who knows?” She shrugs, trying to sound positive. Trying to sound hopeful.

And what Ben says next might not have been so bad, if the circumstances were different. He turns his attention onto Rey, brown eyes narrowing. “Call your own goddamn mom,” he snaps.

There’s a beat of tense quiet. “She and my dad abandoned me when I was four and overdosed when I was five, so.” Rey lifts one shoulder, voice dull. “I can’t.”

Guilt flashes briefly in Ben’s gaze. Sometimes, when people feel guilty for being nasty but aren’t ready to let go of why they’re upset, they’ll double down on their own anger. Rey knows this because she’s done it to Finn before during their rare fights, but it doesn’t stop the hurt that instantly comes with Ben’s next comment.

“Then you can fuck off with trying to give other people family advice.”

Rey lets the mean statement hang in the air between them before she gives one sharp nod. “Right.” Then she turns, turns before she can see the regret start to take over Ben’s body language. She turns and she walks right out of his house without another word.

**

Back at Poe’s, Rey pours herself a much needed glass of wine, BB-8 sitting in her kitchen catbed and watching her curiously. Rey dumps her bag onto the countertop before taking out the letter from Organa Publishing she’d snatched from the drawer in Ben’s kitchen when he’d first started his meeting.

She doesn’t bother reading the actual letter in the envelope; that seems a bit too nosy, even for her. But she does gaze down at the signature at the bottom, followed by a cell phone number.

Rey picks up the phone and calls Leia Organa.

Chapter Text

Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free

--"Hello My Old Heart" by The Oh Hellos

**

The next day finds Rey slumped on Poe’s exceedingly comfortable couch, BB-8 curled up on the couch cushion beside her, with both Finn and Poe peering at her curiously through the laptop screen. She’s propped the computer up on Poe’s rounded, fancy looking ottoman.

Tapping her fingertips together, Rey bites her bottom lip in hesitation. “So...I did something yesterday.”

Both Finn and Poe are giving her the correct looks of apprehension and eagerness, clearly invested in whatever it is she’s about to say. It’s not often Rey summons them to a Zoom meeting with an early afternoon text that says, “ ZOOM IN DUCKING 20MINS ,” followed by an aggressive, “ *FUCKING ”.

“So,” Rey repeats, pausing to clear her throat. “Last night I may or may not have—Okay, I committed a felony.”

Poe all but shoves Finn out of the frame to scream, “Oh my god Rey, did you murder Ben?!”

There’s a brief, stunned silence as Finn and Rey stare at Poe, before Rey firmly says, “No.”

“Right, right.” Poe is nodding, as if he’s beginning to realize his slight overreaction. “No offense, Rey, it’s just that if anyone was going to successfully murder Ben Solo it would definitely be you.”

Rey blinks at Finn’s fiance. “I’m really not sure how to interpret that, so anyway. Yesterday I went over to Ben’s house—”

Both Finn and Poe lean in as close as they can get to their shared Zoom screen. Poe looks perhaps more delighted then the situation calls for.

“—and we definitely got into a fight.”

Both men’s faces comically fall.

“And before I left his house I stole this letter that he got from his mom’s publishing company and last night I…” Rey trails off here, the humiliation over the boundary she had crossed the night before causing her to wince. She covers her red face with both hands and groans. “I called his mom,” she wails into her hands, voice muffled.

Finn gasps. “Rey-Rey you didn’t.”

“You called Leia?!” Poe sounds even more delighted than he did just moments before.

Rey lowers her hands so that she can eye Poe. “You know Ben’s mom?”

Poe nods and shrugs, as if this is seriously old news. “Well, yeah. Ben and I grew up together. Our moms were friends, too.” He once again all but pushes Finn out of the frame so that he can peer even closer at Rey. “Why the hell did you call his mom ? And what the hell did Leia say? ”

Rey has all but gnawed her lower lip off in sheer anxiety. “Ben had a meeting with his editor yesterday and it did not go well, let's just put it that way. And I overheard his editor tell him that his mother had been asking after him, that she thought his mom might be able to help him with his next book. So...I told him after the meeting was over that maybe his editor had a point.”

Poe winces.

“And then,” Rey’s voice takes a harder edge here as she remembers the mean things Ben had said to her last night at his house. “He said to call my own mom, and when I explained why I couldn’t he told me that I shouldn’t be giving out family advice, then.”

Poe’s wince had turned into a thoughtful frown, but Finn just looks annoyed. “He had no right to say that kind of shit to you, Rey,” Finn states, a muscle in his jaw jumping in irritation. “Absolutely no right, especially since you were just trying to help.”

Rey smiles at her brother fondly. “Thanks, Finn.”

“I agree with Finn,” Poe says, “Ben had no right to say what he said to you. But—” he holds up two placating hands at the way Finn frowns at him. “You have to understand that Ben’s relationship with Leia is...strained, to put it mildly. They’ve always been a bit contentious with each other for as long as I’ve known Ben and his family. I’m not excusing what Ben said to you. That was wrong. But…” Poe gives Rey a kind but firm look. “You also don’t know his mom, Rey. Even if you’ve read every book she’s ever written, even if you know her son well enough to have given him a black eye, you don’t actually know her, Rey. Or her and Ben’s relationship.”

Rey nods slowly, running her hand over BB-8’s fur in order to comfort herself. “I… You’re right. In this case I probably should have minded my business.”

“We all know you meant well, Rey-Rey.” Finn’s voice is soothing and Rey knows that if he were sitting next to her he would have already pulled her into a hug.

There’s a quiet moment of silence before Poe says, “What did Leia say, anyway? I’m sure she found being called up by Poe Dameron’s housesitter to discuss her son an interesting turn of events.”

Rey laughs, face flushing again with humiliation. “She didn’t answer the phone.”

“Really?!” both Finn and Poe exclaim in unison.

Rey nods, leaning a hand against her warm cheek. “It only rang twice so I actually think she sent me straight to voicemail.”

Poe chuckles at that. “And did you leave one?”

“Well, yeah. But here’s to hoping she’ll never listen to it.”

Finn takes a sip from a coffee mug. It’s almost evening on the east coast, but Finn’s caffeine intake has always been an all day thing. “Well, this woman sounds pretty busy.”

Poe nods in agreement, taking Finn’s mug from him and taking a sip as well, ignoring Finn’s obvious indignation. “If I know Leia Organa, it’s that she will get around to listening to your voicemail, Rey. But probably not for at least a week or so.” He hands the coffee back to Finn. “Honestly, you’re in the clear.”

“Thanks,” Rey grumbles. “But that doesn’t make me feel any better about being so fucking nosy. And it also doesn’t make me feel better about…” She wants to say Ben but can’t quite bring herself to say his name. She’s technically only known the guy for a couple of days. She really shouldn’t be this worked up over the opinion of a man she’s only just met.

And yet.

“If you’re stressed,” Poe’s voice has Rey refocusing on the screen, “I have some gummies in the cabinet with the rest of my over-the-counter medicines.”

Rey laughs. “Thanks Poe, but my emergency candy is chocolate. I’ll just pick some up later.”

Poe laughs right back at her. “These are weed gummies, Rey.”

“O-Oh!”

“Yeah.” Poe is grinning at her while Finn shakes his head, trying to hide his own smile in his coffee mug. “Eat two of those suckers and then text us in an hour when they kick in.”

Then, laughing, he and Finn end the Zoom call with a quick round of goodbyes.

**

On the east coast, Finn sighs guiltily to his brand new fiance as they end the Zoom call with Rey.

“She looked so sad about Ben. We should have told her that he called us at seven am our time, four am his time, to ask about the best way to apologize to her.” He drains the rest of the coffee from his mug before putting it down on the end table.

“We could have,” Poe agreed, slinging an arm around his fiance’s shoulder and pulling him in for a kiss. “But where’s the fun in that?”

**

The edibles hit about half an hour before the doorbell rings. Rey, who is in purple cotton shorts and a thin, long-sleeved shirt to combat the air conditioning, lifts herself from the couch with the same energy of a mummy emerging from their crypt.

She slowly makes her way to the door, and by the time she’s got her hand on the doorknob there’s a polite knocking.

“Rey?” Ben’s voice is quiet, and as Rey swings the heavy front door open she finds the large man giving her eyes like a puppy would, wide and sad.

There are so many grocery bags in his hands.

Rey straightens up and says with all the haughtiness and fake-Britishness she can possibly manage, “Good afternoon, Mr. Solo. What tidings bring you to my doorstep on this fine California day?” At Ben’s bewildered expression she lets out a snort of laughter, her staunch face grumbling slowly into a look of glee.

He bends his head down so that he can look her right in the eye. “Poe told you where his gummies were, didn’t he?”

Rey’s mouth parts a bit. “How did you figure it out so quickly?”

“Because you just spoke to me in a very bad English accent and also your eyes are super red.” His eyes twinkle a little in amusement.

Rey presses her lips together to unsuccessfully hide a smile. She opens her hands, gestures to the multiple packed grocery bags that Ben has clutched in his hands. “So, what offerings have you brought me?”

Ben lets the bags fall to the front doorstep with a smile. “Well, Finn and Poe told me you like chocolate so I bought like, eight different kinds—”

Rey gasps loudly as what's in the other two bags catch her eyes. “Ben! Ben, are those Girl Scout cookies?!”

He nods. “Yeah, they had a table set up right outside of Kroger. I couldn’t just walk past them—”

“Ben!” Rey is already bent down and rummaging through the plastic bags filled with all different boxes of Girl Scout cookies. “Good grief, did you buy two of every kind?!”

Ben clears his throats and looks pointedly at the ground. “If you’re asking if I dropped seventy-two dollars on Girl Scout cookies today so that I could beg the girl living next door to me for a week to forgive me for being a massive piece of shit, the answer would be ‘yes’.”

Rey pauses in the middle of opening a box of Tagalongs, taking in a breath and standing so that she and Ben can get a better look at each other. The wind blows her hair about her face and she bites her bottom lip, brushes some of her fly always behind her ear.

“I’m really sorry, Rey,” Ben apologizes, voice deep and sincere. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. It’s not like you know, well it’s not like—” He cuts himself off and waves his hands, flustered. “It doesn’t even matter. The point is I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that and I’m sorry and hope you can forgive me.” There’s a blush beginning to creep up his cheeks and neck. “I would have bought you four boxes of each fucking Girl Scout cookie but that seemed obsessive considering you’re leaving in…” He trails off at Rey’s laughter.

She shoves a few Tagalongs into her mouth before promptly speaking around them, “You’ve gotta’alot t’learn ‘bout my appetite, Ben.”

He’s smiling at her and it’s sweet, the gentle tilt of it. “I can see that.”

Rey almost says something crazy then, something like, “ I think you’re the man of my dreams? ”

But she doesn’t.

**

Rey suspects Ben seems to realize he’s been thoroughly forgiven when she opens up her third box of cookies, Thin Mints this time. These Ben steals a few of, laughing when Rey tries unsuccessfully to swat his hand away.

They’re on the couch, The Good Place playing on Poe’s living room TV. It’s fancy, huge and mounted on the wall, but neither Rey or Ben have been able to pay much attention to the show. The conversation is light and happy as they discuss Rey’s newfound snacks and how Poe has a subscription to every streaming service. It’s a constant easy flow of words, as if they’re both relieved to have moved on from their spat but don’t necessarily want to acknowledge it aloud yet.

BB-8 walks into the living room from having finished her dinner in the kitchen. She jumps up onto Rey’s side of the couch but only lets Rey pet her for a few seconds before strutting across Rey’s lap and into Ben’s.

Rey gasps in moch scandal. “BB-8, you traitor!”

Ben is grinning as the fluffy kitty puts her paws on his wide chest and headbutts his jaw, demanding pets. Ben laughs, clearly pleased that he’s been chosen as he scratches behind BB’s ears and runs a hand rhythmically down her spine. “Sorry,” he says, glancing in Rey’s direction and not sounding sorry at all. “But she’s known me since she was a kitten. I remember the day Poe brought her home. He found her on the side of the road and she’s been his ever since. Is that right, BB?” He nuzzles his large nose into the cat’s fluffy fur. Rey can hear BB’s purrs from her side of the couch.

It warms her heart and sombers her up a bit.

Sighing, she shifts on the couch so that she’s facing Ben, pushing the Thin Mints off to the side for the time being. She touches the side of Ben’s knee to grab his attention away from the cat, and the way his eyes jump, the way his whole body seems to subtly jump makes her snatch her hand quickly away.

Rey clears her throat, trying to will away a blush, if that’s even possible. “Ben, I owe you an apology too.”

He’s already shaking his head.

“No,” Rey shakes her head back at him. “No, I do. Tring to suggest that your editor was right, that you should contact your mom when I know literally nothing about her. I should have minded my business.”

Ben stares at her, those brown eyes of his taking her in so intensely that she starts to fidget under the heat of it, starts to think that maybe she said something wrong.

“You know what’s crazy though, Rey.” Ben’s voice is so soft that Rey has to lean a bit closer to him. His eyes widen a bit in vulnerability. “I don’t even think… I don’t even think I mind you being in my business.”

Through some insane force of sheer willpower, Rey manages to keep her face still.

“I think I even might like it.”

Rey swallows; to her it sounds loud and obvious. Her hammering heart in her chest sounds even louder. She shifts her hands in her lap, trying to keep them from being too antsy.

“It’s just my mom.” Ben clears his throat, takes a moment to keep stroking the calico cat. “You heard Holdo say that my mom and I fought at my dad’s funeral?”

Rey nods.

“Well, that’s the last time we’ve spoken.” His voice goes hard here, harder than maybe she’s ever heard it. “You see, my dad could never write for shit. But he was a great storyteller, always had great ideas. He just hated the execution. We still weren’t speaking after I published the first Iron Throne book, but then next thing I know he and my Uncle Chewie are showing up at my old house with a twelve-pack. He was proud of me. He told me he was fucking proud of me.

“And so, we would talk, you know? And I would vent about my writing and about things that I was stuck on and he could just…” Ben’s voice breaks here, just a little. He laughs, a sad laugh. The kind of laugh you make when you’re remembering something that once brought you joy but that you can never have again. “He could just spout some random bullshit and it always worked.” His melancholy eyes find Rey. “Some of the most fun twists, the most popular character moments technically came from him. He always refused to take credit, said they might have been his musings but that I made them my own, my story.”

Ben’s long fingers sink into BB-8’s long, fluffy and soft fur. The cat snuggles closer to him, as if understanding he needs her. Rey doesn’t realize how close she’s also shifted to him until she realizes that her thigh is practically brushing his own.

“I miss my fucking dad.”

But Ben sheds no tears, even though it looks like it’s all he wants to do. She puts her hand back on his knee and doesn’t snatch it away when he begins gazing at it. “Ben if you...if you need a moment I can go into the kitchen for a bit—”

Ben waves her suggestion away, almost rudely, but Rey suspects he’d rather like to start moving on from the serious turn of the conversation. “No, I’ll be fine. Besides, I haven’t actually cried since I was fourteen.”

“Wait, seriously?!” Rey, who will weep over anything from happy puppy adoption videos to the ocean choosing Moana at the beginning of Moana , to absolutely everything in between.

Ben sniffs, nodding. “It’s a long story, but yeah. Haven’t cried since I was fourteen. My mom gave me shit for it at my own father’s funeral. I think she felt bad about that, looking back, but then at the dinner Uncle Lando had for us after the burial, she tried to fucking—” He pauses here to get a grip over his rising anger and whoa , he’s definitely still mad with his mom. “She tried to offer her own writing advice, that she knew without my dad I was losing a creative confidant and I just. We’d just buried my fucking dad. So, I told her to fuck off and we haven’t tried to speak to each other since.”

“But she has tried, though,” Rey gently corrects, hand still lingering on his sturdy knee.

Ben works his lips, clearly thinking of that drawer in his kitchen, filled nearly to the brim with letters from his mother.

But Rey doesn’t press anymore on the subject. Instead she squeezes his knee and gives Ben a small, gentle smile. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

He nods, and they both scoot just a little bit closer together, so that Ben can rest his long arm along the couch, his forearm brushing against the warm skin of Rey’s neck.

They finally start paying attention to The Good Place after having to restart the episode they were supposed to have been watching. But they both eventually nod off, Rey’s head drifting to rest on Ben’s shoulder.

**

Rey’s not sure how long they catnap on the couch together, but when she wakes up the sun has set outside. Needing to use the restroom, Rey begins to gently pull herself away from Ben’s warm, snoozing body. 

She’s halfway off the couch when Ben moves, shifting toward where she had been curdled beside him just moments ago. His large hand pats at the cushion she had just been napping on; it’s probably still warm from her. 

“Sweetheart?” he mumbles, barely even half-awake, before succumbing back into the couch cushions to continue his nap.

The little nickname makes Rey feel like something in her chest has stopped, before doing multiple swoops that leave her entire body feeling tingly.

Sweetheart .

How she longed to be someone’s sweetheart.

Before she can lose her nerve, Rey presses a quick kiss to Ben’s cheek before dashing out of the living room.