Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shinonome Ena loved nobody but herself.

Even as she pulled on Mafuyu’s lips with her own, slipped her tongue inside Mafuyu’s mouth, she was thinking solely of her own pleasure. This felt so good that it didn’t matter the girl she was kissing was one with an unbearable personality. Her hair was soft, her cheeks were warm, and she smelled nice. Those alone were enough to ignite Ena’s desire. It also helped that Mafuyu was such a good girl. She rubbed her tongue on Ena’s and sucked gently at the same time, something Ena had once done to her in previous sessions. She had quickly picked up on the fact that this was how Ena enjoyed her kisses, and she delivered exactly what Ena wanted.

A long minute passed before Ena broke from Mafuyu, her breaths hot and rapid. Mafuyu’s glassy eyes looked up to her expectantly. For someone who couldn’t feel anything else, she sure was enthusiastic about kissing. Ena would not have predicted this at the start of it all. Neither would she have predicted that Mafuyu would obediently wear the choker necklace Ena had given her whenever they met secretly at the Sekai. Ena slipped a finger into the tight space behind the necklace’s golden clasp and pulled on it. Mafuyu compliantly fell forward and let Ena kiss her again.

Mafuyu reached for Ena’s hair, intending to entwine her fingers into its strands, but Ena didn’t let her; she caught her with a free hand and held her down. She liked to dominate Mafuyu when they were kissing, and she knew, even if she didn’t care, that Mafuyu liked this arrangement as well. When Ena sealed their kiss and moved her tongue deeper into Mafuyu’s mouth, she could feel Mafuyu’s moan vibrate within her. Ena’s sanity was slipping. She wanted more. She edged her knees forward to press against Mafuyu, pushing her back onto the black pyramid behind her. This changed the angle of their contact, and Ena readjusted to kiss Mafuyu from the other side, their noses brushing against each other as she moved. She licked Mafuyu’s upper lip before clasping around it, lightly biting. Mafuyu moved with her, crushing their flesh together. Ena sighed into Mafuyu. In this blissful moment, neither had to think about reality. Nobody was here to judge Ena’s attraction to the same sex, or how decidedly inappropriate she was indulging in this attraction. She had no sob story to tell here. This wasn’t a pure romance dashed by an unfair society. She was unashamedly lusting after an acquaintance she had no love for. Unashamed…at least here and now.

Another minute passed and finally Ena pulled back. She was panting from the exertion, her heart pounding in her chest. A smirk flashed across her face as she surveyed how disheveled the honour student Mafuyu had become under her titillation. Not so high and mighty anymore, huh? It was for this satisfaction that Ena initiated their secret trysts. As for Mafuyu, she came to fulfill her addiction to submission. She was a marionette after all, and a marionette with its strings cut could be a marionette no more.

“Let’s leave it at this tonight. Even you can’t keep Miku and the others away for much longer,” Ena said while she smoothed out Mafuyu’s hair and straightened the collar of her shirt so she looked presentable again. When she first found out that this Sekai responded to Mafuyu’s desires, Ena was bitter and jealous. How could this empty girl create a whole world that catered to her whims? But it certainly was convenient when they wanted a place to be alone. Mafuyu just had to wish it, and the others would have a hard time trying to find them here. Not even Miku had managed to interrupt them once.

Mafuyu stood and brushed away the creases on her dress. “Then I will see you on Nightcord.”

“Oh yeah, it’s almost 25:00, isn’t it?”

Mafuyu did not answer, her back already turned to Ena. On a press of her phone, she vanished from sight, leaving behind only an unmelodious ring. This was the nature of their relationship, or the lack thereof. What happened in the Sekai stayed in the Sekai. Outside of it, they were merely members of the same doujin circle, connected solely by the music videos they produced. Nothing changed between them, as it should be.

Ena gathered herself from where she sat but did not return to the real dimension yet – she did not like the thought of leaving immediately after Mafuyu, as though she had come here solely for Mafuyu’s sake. Instead, she walked towards the area in this Sekai that stood out from the rest - the stage on which they would sometimes sing and dance, lined with the rare junk they had scavenged from this otherwise barren world. There was a mirror in the corner. Like everything else, it was broken, but Ena still stared into it for an evaluation of herself. What stared back was not the arrogant, victorious image she had hoped for, but a flushed girl, lips swollen, looking ever so empty and incomplete despite being reflected many times over in the mirror’s numerous shards.

Already, she craved for another kiss. Anything to prove that she was a “have” and not a “have not”. The more times they did this, the more inadequate the sensations became. Ena needed more. She couldn’t stop thinking about it, and that pissed her off.

“Whatever.”

………………

Ena was late to their Nightcord call. The others had started without her – by the time she joined, they were already mid-conversation in a discussion of Mafuyu’s latest lyrics.

“Have you had a chance to read it yet, Enanan?” Mizuki asked. Why did it matter? It already had Kanade’s seal of approval – there was no way it wouldn’t be good enough for the likes of Ena.

But Ena still had to pretend to give her opinion, right? Even if that opinion was a begrudging acknowledgement of Mafuyu’s infuriating talents. She clicked open the file Mafuyu had shared and glanced through the lyrics. As expected, every word was perfect. The lines immediately drew Ena into their stark, painful world. It hit so hard. Crushing. It was as though the writing had a weight of its own and that weight was sitting on Ena’s chest. Why was Mafuyu so adept at painting emotion when she couldn’t even understand them? Not only could she write lyrics that whispered to your deepest, darkest self, she also managed to vary her style at will. As Niigo’s Yuki, her writing complemented Kanade’s notes, sad but gentle, holding a sliver of hope. As OWN, the words were cold and hard, rejecting everything and everyone. Lately, her lyrics changed again. The poetic quality was lost. In exchange, there was a new boldness. Direct and strong. She cut no corners in expressing her message. There was almost a…cruelty to the way she wrote, like she wanted to hurt the audience the exact same way that she was hurting inside.

It wasn’t as though Ena would say all of this aloud though. That would be like an admission of defeat.

“It reads fine. I have no problems with it,” Ena said instead.

“You sure?” Mizuki asked again. Were they about to tease Ena and call her a tsundere again? Please. That joke was getting old. But that didn’t seem to be the case – Mizuki’s tone actually sounded serious. Why?

“If you have problems with it, you can just say it, Amia.”

“They aren’t problems per se…it’s just…Yuki’s lyrics have a really different flavour lately. I thought Enanan would understand.”

“Well, her style changed, but so long as it fits the song, that’s all that matters, right? K already said it’s fine.”

“It does fit the imagery I tried to go for in the sound. But I agree with Amia in that…I do want to know why Yuki decided to change her style,” Kanade spoke up.

A long moment of silence reigned. They all thought Mafuyu’s mic was muted. But it wasn’t. She just didn’t say anything until much later.

“I didn’t intentionally try to change my style.”

“So, you’re saying…the words just sorta came out by themselves?” Mizuki asked.

“Yes.”

“Perhaps the feelings you experience while writing has changed?” Kanade suggested.

“I do not think I experience feelings while writing.”

“You aren’t consciously aware of them, but they still exist. Remember when you wrote the lyrics of Jackpot Sad Girl?” Mizuki added.

“I see. So, these lyrics are also my feelings? What do they say about me? I do not understand.”

What did they say about Mafuyu? Something clenched within Ena’s breast when she read the last few lines again. She had a bad premonition.

“I think there is only meaning to the answer of your question if you were to find it yourself, Yuki,” Kanade replied.

Chapter Text

It all started a month ago.

Being outed was nothing new. Ena had experienced it in middle school. Nobody said anything outright to her, but she could hear their whispers in the background, especially when changing for PE class, or when they saw her in the washroom. Airi was there for her. Ena told herself that was enough. Who cares what strangers thought of you? On some level, she was not lying. The stares of her schoolmates were uncomfortable, yes, but also inconsequential. None of them meant anything to her.

Ena never regretted switching to night classes for high school. There was nothing to be missed about having narcissistic schoolmates who thought that just because Ena liked girls meant that she’d like them! If they didn’t have a mirror to show them how fugly they looked, they should pee themselves a puddle! There were fewer students in night classes, joining clubs was absolutely optional since most wouldn’t go through the trouble of it, and there weren’t lunch breaks for the unnecessary socializing. Ena was perfectly fine with that, until she realized that even in an environment like that, bullies would still find their way to be bullies.

She suspected that it might’ve been someone jealous of her Instagram following who started it. Before she was outed this time, she had received violent threats on her account. Well, everybody with a socmed presence have experienced it before. The ways they said they wanted to open her head were so creative that it was hard to take it seriously. A catapult? Seriously? Where would you even source a catapult? From a museum? To be fair, they never did find a catapult to crack open her head, but one day, Ena started noticing her classmates staring at her. They’d stop chatting when she was around. They were always a bit slow to notice her presence though – she managed to pick up enough pieces to know that someone from her middle school had broken the hot, juicy “secret”: Ena was a lesbian.

Exactly what they found so interesting about Ena’s sexuality, she had no idea. Okay, if they were six years old, then maybe she could justify their fascination. But sixteen turning seventeen? Have they not read on the news that there was now a lesbian politician in the National Diet? Seriously. What year was it, and how old were these people? Were they boomers who had turned into teenage vampires in 1960 and remained in high school since? Their pathological curiosity had led to Ena’s phone being stolen and her internet search history uploaded onto a student group chat to point out how she had watched a video from a lesbian youtuber on what it felt like to kiss a girl.

The gossip made its rounds throughout the school and eventually the teachers caught wind of it. Instead of investigating the culprit and giving them a warning, Ena was called to the disciplinary teacher’s office where she found her father waiting – he had received a call from the school regarding the incident. Talk about homophobia!

But the talk itself was relatively painless. It lasted less than half an hour, owing to Ena’s father being so silent throughout that it looked as though he could care less. Blah blah blah Ena should uphold a stricter sense of morality…this wasn’t about homosexuality but about not losing focus on academics at her age. Ha! It wasn’t as though all those students dating and kissing their opposite-sex partners right outside the school gates were getting called in to be disciplined! Who would lap up the teacher’s bullshit!? Well, Ena didn’t care. To hell with the teacher. It wasn’t as though she even wanted to attend school in the first place!

Ena’s father responded with a plain “I will see to it that my daughter pays more attention to her behaviour in the future” and off they went home. Ena would’ve preferred walking herself, but she couldn’t exactly tell her dad to fuck off when he had the car parked in front of the school. She had hoped he would keep his big mouth shut – he never had anything nice to say ever since that day he responded to Ena’s wishes to attend an arts high school with a “You should give up”. She’d never forgive him for that! But nope. Her dad being the fucking asshole he was, he had to blabber again.

“You’re making your life difficult, Ena.”

“Are you trying to say that I’m a trouble to you?”

“I did not say that.”

“Then what’s the meaning of what you just said? What is ‘making my life difficult’? Is it now my fault for getting my phone stolen?”

“This has nothing to do with your phone.”

“Then what is it about? That’s precisely what happened! Or were you even listening the past half hour? Of course you weren’t. Because I’m a trouble to you. I’m worthless. Shinonome Shinei’s daughter can’t even draw. And now she’s an immoral homosexual. Or is she? Maybe she’s just an attention-seeker. Is that what you’re thinking?”

Her father refused to answer, only heaving an audible sigh. He really didn’t have to make that face to show her how insufferable he thought she was. Ena knew. If she was such an inconvenience to him, then he ought to just leave her be! She didn’t need him poking his head into her business!

Ena got out of the car the moment her father stopped it on the driveway and darted for her room without so much as a glance backwards. She slammed her door, locked it, and threw herself onto her bed. She was pathetic. Did it bother her that she was outed by her schoolmates? Yeah. Was she angry the teachers took the side of her bullies? Of course. But she didn’t feel like she wanted to…cry…until her father spouted that trash. Why? Why did she still care about what he thought? He was someone who had given her art supplies and taught her to draw as a kid, only to throw her under the bus when it became apparent that she’d never be as good as him. Of course he’d do the same when he found out that she was a freak! She was being difficult. He probably thought that she should just be a demure housewife, since in his mind, she was too mediocre to even make a living for herself. Now, she was ruining that normal life for herself by being a lesbian. How dare she!

The very realization that she was still living under his roof was making Ena want to scream. But what could she do? She wasn’t dumb enough to think that she could survive if she just ran away from home. The suffocation that came with bearing her father’s attitude was overwhelming though. She needed a breather. Go somewhere to be alone, without any traces of his presence. She didn’t want to think about how the very bed she was lying on was purchased with his money.

The Sekai was the only place where Ena could think of to go. She teleported herself there, hoping that only black pyramids and broken scaffolding would be waiting for her. Someone had beaten her to it though.

“Why are you here!?”

She supposed she was being unnecessarily confrontational by asking that question to Mafuyu, seeing as this world was quite literally a manifestation of Mafuyu’s feelings, frustrating as it was to admit. She knew she should be thankful for even being allowed here, but Ena hated being thankful. She hated feeling like she had nothing and owed her very existence to the “talented”.

For better or worse, Mafuyu barely seemed to register Ena’s rude greeting. She lifted her head slightly to confirm Ena’s presence, then went back to burying it in her own arms. The way she hugged her knees made her look pitiful. Almost as pitiful as Ena herself. What did she have to worry about when she was perfect in everybody’s eyes!? To Ena, Mafuyu’s struggles seemed so trivial. A play at being oppressed when she wasn’t. But Mafuyu was so genuinely depressed that it was hard to lash out at her. Instead, Ena begrudgingly took a seat by her side.

“What happened this time?” Ena asked.

“Nothing in particular.”

“Nothing? Then what are you doing slumping here like this? You still haven’t uploaded the lyrics for our next song onto Nightcord…”

For the first time that evening, Mafuyu gave Ena a strong reaction. She closed their distance, slammed her hands onto the ground on Ena’s either side, and glared into Ena’s eyes. Ena could feel Mafuyu’s breaths as she spoke.

“You desire my talents, don’t you? You want me to keep writing the songs that you resonate with. Is that so? Just say it. Say it and I’ll keep writing.”

“What the…” And it was then that Ena noticed the area around Mafuyu’s eyes were red. She didn’t know how to feel about that discovery…while Ena felt so suffocated by others’ denial of her individuality, by the push for her to conform because she was unworthy otherwise, Mafuyu was pained by not knowing who she was, and in this moment of pain, she merely wanted someone to return the strings to her marionette limbs, make her dance again by dictating her every action…

“You just want me to put a leash around you, huh?” Ena said again. Mafuyu was silent, silent but somehow defiant at the same time, as though daring Ena to make a move. So be it. Ena took off the choker necklace around herself and put it instead around Mafuyu’s neck. She pulled on it, and Mafuyu fell compliantly forward, lips almost touching Ena’s.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Rather than your lyrics, I want something else now.”

“To kiss me?”

“That’s right.”

“Why?”

“Does it matter? You find yourself so unlovable that you’d rather be adored as a marionette. Then what better way to give you what you want than to kiss you?”

Mafuyu didn’t say anything more. She kept staring at Ena even as Ena closed her eyes and touched her lips to Mafuyu’s. There wasn’t much to their kiss really, other than a persistent pressing of lips. It wasn’t as Ena had fantasized after watching that video on YouTube that had caused her to be outed in the first place. Mafuyu’s lips were soft, yes, but that was to be expected of anybody. She wrapped her arms around Mafuyu’s shoulders, pulling them together so that she could better feel Mafuyu’s body heat. It was nice, she supposed. Her heartbeat had quickened, and she felt the urge to run her hands through Mafuyu’s hair. Still, she was unfulfilled. What exactly did she want to achieve with this kiss? Her jealousy for Mafuyu burned, and that tempted her to wish to bite down on Mafuyu’s flesh. But she held herself back, because at the same time, Mafuyu was so fragile, and Ena might be selfish, but she was no bully. She tried to be gentle, convincing herself that it was for her own satisfaction too. Circumstances aside, this was her first kiss – she was determined to enjoy it. Her peers, her teachers, her father could say what they wanted. She did not need their validation. Fuck their false morals. No one could tell her how to live her life.

The kiss did not last very long. Ena parted from Mafuyu and surveyed how Mafuyu had the same expression as before, quietly looking into her eyes. She wouldn’t ask Mafuyu whether she liked it. It was not the point of Ena’s action anyway. Besides, Mafuyu would just say she didn’t know.

Instead, Ena clicked closed the clasp on the choker necklace and let the metal piece fall back to rest against the base of Mafuyu’s neck.

“Next time when we meet here, wear it,” she demanded.

Mafuyu touched a finger to the golden clasp. That was her only response.

Chapter Text

Mafuyu was water.

Colourless, transparent, taking the shape of whatever container she was put into. But if she really were water, she would not be bothered by her own lack of personality.

For as long as she could remember, she could not feel emotion. She merely learned by association to do as she was told, then she would be praised, and when she was praised, she ought to smile and say that she was happy. Did she actually care about being praised? No. It just made her life easier to move in the direction that was expected of her. When adults were upset, they would scold her. Not that she felt anything for their words, but they were droning – if there was one thing Mafuyu understood about herself, it would be that she preferred being alone, and if she did as she was told, the adults would leave her alone.

At first, she could not understand the churning in her stomach. When she told her parents that she had wanted to become a nurse, but they told her to be a doctor instead, her stomach hurt. She had not been hungry. She had not eaten anything bad. But the acid ate her away from the inside out. It made her want to vomit.

When her mother told her to stop tutoring her classmates, that feeling returned. Then, her mother threw away her synthesizer. That time, the pain was so intense that she thought she might faint. Thankfully, she hadn’t. She could only imagine the trouble that would ensue if she were sent to the hospital. She excused herself to return to her room, where she curled up and cried.

She did know what crying was. Humans cried when they were sad. The stomach pain must have been an early sign. What she couldn’t grasp was the reason behind her own sadness. She did not particularly want to become a nurse and had only come up with that career goal because she thought her parents would accept the choice – she was fine with the alternative of becoming a doctor instead. It didn’t really matter. And she had never been enthusiastic about tutoring her classmates either. She wasn’t naïve enough to not realize that her classmates were using her help to further their own gains anyway, and she still helped only to maintain cordial relationships. As for the synthesizer, it was a mere tool for her to write music in the pursuit of understanding herself. With the goal still so far out of sight, even if her mother had not trashed the synthesizer, she would’ve done it herself.

Then why was she upset?

Was she upset that nobody consulted her opinion?

Ah. Her parents had always decided what was best for her without even asking, because it must’ve appeared to them that Mafuyu did not have an opinion anyway.

She was water.

She held no shape of her own.

Water in an aquarium tank that did not even hold fish. She just existed with no purpose.

Then why should she exist? Why not just disappear?

But Kanade would not let her disappear. She said that she would save her. She would write music that could touch even Mafuyu’s heart. If she couldn’t do it now, she’d continue writing, and Mafuyu could continue searching for herself in each of Kanade’s melodies.

Did Mafuyu’s acceptance of Kanade’s proposal make her more than water, then?

She was now an egg, waiting to hatch.

On the outside was a thin shell that concealed her true nature.

On the inside, she was still nothing.

Her classmates had not noticed. Her teachers had not noticed. Her parents had not noticed.

They had yet to breach her shell, painted in the colours of an honour student. But that shell was cracking.

“Do you remember your middle school classmate, Ayumi?”

“The girl who played the piano at your graduation ceremony?”

“Her mother is such a polite, elegant lady. It is a pleasure to make her an acquaintance.”

“And then, we went to the art gallery. It was a gorgeous Monet exhibit.”

“You really should have gone to this exhibit instead of the one you went to. What was that about? Dolls?”

“Ayumi’s mother has invited me to another exhibit this weekend. You should come along, Mafuyu…”

Was this the feeling of “blood boiling”?

Why was Mafuyu feeling so hot inside, even though it was winter? There was a prickly sensation in her arm. She made a fist to hold it off, but that only urged her to pound her fist onto something.

She wanted to hit the table before her. Make a loud noise so that her mother would…

…stop.

Stop.

Stop speaking!

“I do not care.”

Mafuyu had not hit her fist onto anything. She merely spoke, her voice a bare whisper. But it had, nonetheless, silenced her mother immediately.

“What did you say?” Mafuyu’s mother asked.

Mafuyu’s blood froze as quickly as it had boiled. She was now cold, unable to move, about to shake. There was a hollow in her chest.

This was how people would describe the feeling of being “horrified”.

Mafuyu forced a smile. “I must return to my studies. It has been stressful lately, but I shall put in my best effort!”

She escaped to her room. Luckily, her parents had not followed. It was only a small comfort though. She was still stricken with fear.

Kanade and Mizuki had encouraged Mafuyu to find herself. They had instilled the idea in Mafuyu that she was not water, but an egg, and that change was starting to show consequences.

Water had no shape, thus could not be beaten.

An egg would break. It was inevitable. Or rather, it was the goal. She could only be born by breaking through her shell.

But what if…

…nobody wished for her birth?

It did not make her happy to be praised, or sad to be scolded. Yet, her heart still pounded and she quivered at the thought that others – her own family - might not want her to exist. It might seem like an overly philosophical question: would a tree make a sound when it fell if no one was there to hear it? If all her efforts only resulted in her being reborn as a person loved by no one, would it be better if she were just water, filling the tank of society’s expectations?

Was there really meaning to her quest of finding her “true self”?

She knew this was not normal. It was not normal for humans to live their lives thinking ceaselessly over such questions. People lived for happiness, companionship, fun, achievement…Mafuyu could not naturally feel these things. She could only watch others put words to their sensations, and logically deduce if her own sensations were equivalent.

Each time another crack appeared on her shell, Mafuyu was reminded of her own abnormality, and was horrified that the abnormality would soon be revealed to the world.

What did she do the last time this happened? When she was so helplessly small and could only cry in hopes someone would pity her? She had gone to the Sekai, and Ena happened upon her.

“You find yourself so unlovable that you’d rather be adored as a marionette. Then what better way to give you what you want than to kiss you?”

The choker necklace.

Mafuyu found it under her desk where she had hidden it amongst her old electronics. She put it around her neck and clicked the golden clasp shut, relishing in the feeling of being encircled. It reminded her that she was still wanted. Ena wanted her.

She sent a text to Ena. “Come to the Sekai” – it read. She was confident that Ena would show up. Ena cared too much, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Mizuki called her a “tsundere”. Mafuyu would rather that Ena was as selfish as she pretended to be. It would make everything easier.

After sending the message, Mafuyu played “Future Written in Regrets” and entered the Sekai herself. It was as empty as always, hard white floors, black pyramids, lit by an empty sky with the luminescence of an overcast day but without even clouds to dot the expanse. Miku has said that this Sekai was a manifestation of Mafuyu’s feelings. Such fantastical explanation was hard to believe, but the imagery was fitting. What Mafuyu had were not feelings. They were physiological reactions given artificial labels. That was why, when such ideas took form, they would be colourless geometric shapes and lines. Only Mafuyu could discern each shape and line from the others. She traced a line’s path to where she knew nobody would reach her – nobody but the person she decided to let in. Here, she waited for Ena.

A few moments later, Ena appeared, scowling as usual. “What do you want?” she said. When she noticed Mafuyu wearing the choker, she narrowed her eyes. “You’re here for…that?”

“What else would I be here for?”

Ena looked irritated at Mafuyu’s answer. She seemed about to complain, but decided otherwise at the last moment. “Humph. Of course. What else is there between us anyway?”

Ena grabbed a fistful of Mafuyu’s collar and yanked her down for a kiss. She was ironically gentle though, licking Mafuyu’s bottom lip before sucking on it. Mafuyu’s body responded, warming up, her heartbeats speeding, and the stimulating sensations were transmitted to the pit of her stomach where it had started feeling fuzzy. When she put her own tongue forward to entangle Ena’s, those responses strengthened. Arousal. A primitive reaction built into human physiology to encourage reproduction and our species’ survival. Many frowned upon indulgence in these sensations, as its pursuit required no higher intellectual process – it was a mere evolutionary adaptation shared with the likes of wild beasts and domestic animals. But it was this simplicity that appealed to Mafuyu. It made even someone like her, who couldn’t figure out the meaning of her own existence, desirable.

But why wouldn’t Ena take her with more urgency? This was not their first kiss – what was Ena shy about? Was this not just an outlet for her lust? Then why the slow pecks and soft caresses? If she kept at it like this, Mafuyu wouldn’t be able to find satisfaction!

Mafuyu pushed Ena away, prompting the latter to glare. “What? You don’t want it now?”

“It is not enough.”

“Ha!?

“Why are you holding back? Is this the limit of your desires?”

“You…”

Ena glared at her. Mafuyu knew what she wanted to say. “Is this really what you want?” “Are you okay?” “Something happened, right?” But Mafuyu would not give her the opportunity to ask those questions. She stared back at Ena with a hard gaze, rejecting her kindness, testing her patience. Ena made an annoyed click with her tongue.

“You’re the one who asked for it,” she snapped.

Ena pushed Mafuyu back against one of the pyramids and proceeded to kiss her again. This time, she sucked and pulled hard enough to leave Mafuyu’s lips bruised, all while she jerked Mafuyu forward by the choker around her neck. The necklace would probably leave a mark, but it would be covered by Mafuyu’s hair, so it was okay. In this moment, Mafuyu could just give in to the pain that elicited the illusion that she was a possession. She did not need to pretend to be something she wasn’t. She had no expectations to meet. She could just be a useless bag of flesh and Ena would still have her – look at how desperate Ena was being now, moaning into Mafuyu’s mouth, pulling on Mafuyu’s shirt till she finally managed to tear it free so that she could slip her hand under to grope Mafuyu’s naked back. Ena’s palm was hot and sweaty, but it made Mafuyu shiver. Her legs were becoming weak, and she slipped into a half squat, falling back to lean against the pyramid. Ena closed any remaining gaps between them, almost sitting on one of Mafuyu’s legs, grinding herself against her. She had moved down to kissing Mafuyu’s neck, wet, sloppy kisses, occasionally dragging her teeth along. Only when Mafuyu made a particularly loud sound did she realize that she had been vocal in her response to Ena’s ministrations. What would her parents think if they knew what she was doing?

Did it matter? Soon enough, they would see through her mask and discover how deviant the real Mafuyu was. And then, all she would have left was…this.

Tears dropped from her eyes at this realization. She could not understand why.

Chapter Text

Yuki: Come to the Sekai.

Ena stared at her private messages with Mafuyu on Nightcord, littered with the exact same words on every line. At first, Ena was the one to send the invitations. Lately, Mafuyu dominated. This was becoming an almost daily occurrence.

It was annoying. Ena didn’t like feeling she was on-demand. She was supposed to be the one in control, the one benefiting. Why was Mafuyu so into this now? Wasn’t she a marionette? What kind of marionette would tug on the strings and ask to be danced?

Still, Ena couldn’t say no.

She didn’t know how to justify her urges to meet Mafuyu’s requests. She’d be lying if she said this was just fulfilling the fairness principle – if Ena could ask for Mafuyu’s presence, it was only right that Mafuyu could do the same. On some level, she supposed she was scared. She wasn’t sure what were her feelings towards this arrangement she had with Mafuyu. She wouldn’t say she “cherished” it. This wasn’t just her pride speaking. She really didn’t have such a strong emotional commitment. But it was also becoming apparent that she did have some degree of commitment towards what she started. For whatever reason, this had become an unbreakable habit. It would trouble her if Mafuyu stopped coming whenever Ena asked, so the only way to prevent that from happening would be if Ena accepted Mafuyu’s invitations in turn.

And so she did.

Another meeting. Another onslaught of intense but empty kisses. Just the mouth was no longer enough. Ena had tossed Mafuyu’s cardigan aside and undone the top few buttons of Mafuyu’s shirt to suck on her collar bone. But apparently even that wasn’t enough. From her place on the floor, Mafuyu had reached up for Ena’s hand and placed it over her abdomen. Ena stroked her, but was only met with a discontented whine from Mafuyu until she reached under the shirt. The touch was extravagant. It felt so smooth, but was so hot. Ena groped the sweaty skin covering taut muscles that rippled beneath each of her ministrations. Mafuyu was tempting her to reach up further, climb those ribs towards territory she had never explored…

But Ena knew not to take the temptation, even as she panted in frustration from what she had denied herself of.

“We should stop,” she managed to utter those words between her heavy breaths. Mafuyu looked at her with glassy eyes she could not quite read.

“Why?” she asked, her voice cracking. Ena couldn’t tell if Mafuyu’s throat was just parched from the exercise, or was she close to crying.

“This isn’t what you want,” Ena answered.

“You don’t get to tell me what I want!!”

Mafuyu’s scream left only an echo. Ena was not the type to back down. She had intended to shout back. “But this isn’t what I want!” – but she never did. Instead, she remained silent until she finally found her words again.

“Look, I like girls. As in, I find some really hot. Like you. I can’t keep my eyes away, and sometimes I’d fantasize…how you’d feel under me.”

“I knew that.”

“But you don’t know that I came here not just to take out my lust on you. I’m doing it for defiance. Because the adults don’t want me to do it, that’s why I’m gonna do it anyway. They see me as a freak, so I’m like – fuck their morals. That’s why…no matter how many times we do this, how much farther we go…it wouldn’t be satisfactory.”

“Unsatisfactory for you, Ena. In the end, it’s still all about you, you, you. Don’t give me that face as though you’ve ever considered my feelings.”

Those words hit hard, like Mafuyu had just run through Ena’s chest with a dull knife. Why did it hurt like this? Ena could understand if she was just angry. But she wasn’t particularly angry. Not when Mafuyu was saying the truth. She shouldn’t be bothered by this. She never did consider Mafuyu’s feelings, right? She never wanted to either.

“Whatever you say.”

Ena shrugged off Mafuyu’s hand and walked away, leaving Mafuyu there on the ground, in a heap. The pain in her chest worsened with each step, and the imagery kept replaying itself. Weren’t you going to fight back, Asahina Mafuyu? Why the inaction now? Why the silence?

“Ena!”

The long-awaited voice finally sounded, causing Ena to stop. Footsteps sounded behind her and they quickened until they were next to her. Her wrist was caught. Mafuyu had reached out to grab her.

“Don’t go.”

Of all things for her to say, it was this. Ena almost couldn’t believe Mafuyu’s expression. She should be screaming. She should be shouting. But no, she was pleading. Why? Ena had done nothing but to selfishly use Mafuyu for her own gains. Yet, Mafuyu wouldn’t let go.

What a masochist.

“Fine. I’ll stay.”

Mafuyu pulled Ena down so that both sat on the ground. She then leaned over and brushed Ena’s bangs aside so that she could press her lips against Ena’s forehead.

“What are you doing?” Ena grumbled.

“…This isn’t wrong.” Mafuyu whispered as she continued kissing down to Ena’s eye, forcing her to close it. The kiss was gentle, intimate…Ena felt butterflies in her stomach. “You were right to defy them. The adults. We aren’t doing anything wrong. This feels good. It is not dissatisfactory – I will show you.”

How cruel.

Maybe Mafuyu wasn’t a masochist after all, but a sadist.

She was making Ena pay back everything she had taken.

Ena could not escape her soft caresses. Soon enough, her own arms found themselves around Mafuyu again. So warm. It gave her the illusion of being loved. And Mafuyu must’ve known it. Ena was the one to teach her after all. Ena had once trapped Mafuyu with this same illusion, and now, Mafuyu was pulling her back into the abyss they shared.

Mafuyu looked into Ena with her lifeless eyes. She then closed them before pressing herself against Ena’s lips. This was poison. Just like the merciless lyrics Mafuyu had been writing lately. Mafuyu was hurting, and she’d make all those who dared to touch her hurt the very same. Still, Ena longed for it – the lyrics that reflected the darkness in her own soul, the person who she hated for how much she reminded Ena of herself.

She kissed Mafuyu back. Their lips overlapped in silence. They kept at the feather touches, not pushing further. But deep within, Ena felt a storm. This was the first time she tasted something from their kisses.

It was bitter. The taste of her own guilt.

Chapter Text

Mafuyu’s POV

Mafuyu had asked Ena to stay, but like Ena had said, they had both become increasingly dissatisfied with their trysts. At some point, the length of time between their meetings had grown longer. Neither were willing to completely let go, but they also knew better than to repeat their senseless actions too often. Perhaps distance would make the heart fonder – not that either of them had truly exposed their heart to the other.

“…let’s meet at the family restaurant for a celebration then!” Mizuki’s voice sounded through their Nightcord chat. They had been talking about their latest MV, which had hit a new record of views. Strange. Mafuyu had not been particularly fond of her latest lyrics, and so was Ena with her illustrations, from what she gathered. They were not works that’d bring salvation. This wasn’t what Kanade had promised them.

“Would Tuesday evening be fine? I have to visit my father in the afternoon, so it would be convenient for me to stop by the family restaurant afterwards,” Kanade answered.

“Sorry, I can’t,” Mafuyu replied.

“Eh? You have cram school again?” Mizuki asked.

“No. I have an archery tournament in Ibaraki, so I might not return in time for the meeting.”

“We can just go without her. Sheesh.” Ena grumbled. Mizuki might’ve said something in Mafuyu’s defense, but that was completely unnecessary. Ena was right. Mafuyu did not care to go to this celebration anyway. Still, both Mizuki and Kanade agreed to reschedule for the week after, so even Ena had to concede. Mafuyu sighed as she marked down the event on her calendar. She would inevitably be late going home that day, which meant that she’d be studying till late into the night, and it would be painful waking up the next day. How inconvenient.

At any rate, Mafuyu signed out of Nightcord, made a final check of her school bag to make sure everything was packed for tomorrow, and went to bed. The remaining days counting up to the archery tournament passed uneventfully. She had not been going to the Sekai, nor signing into Nightcord, owing to her busy schedule. She had no desire to do so anyway, but the change left her unnerved. It was as though something was missing.

“Asahina-san?” Someone called her name from her side. Ah, Hinomori Shizuku, her archery teammate. They were waiting at the station for their train to Ibaraki, and Shizuku was the only person who would converse with her – the rest of her teammates were hiding themselves behind the board that displayed the route map, spying on the two as usual. Mafuyu wondered if Shizuku noticed, the latter seemingly an airhead. She probably did, but was acting as usual. She was a celebrity after all, thus must be used to such commotion. Mafuyu was no famous person though, so why was she treated in the same manner as Shizuku? Was her honour student mask really so appealing to the shallow masses?

“Sorry, I was not paying attention. Did you say something, Hinomori-san?” Mafuyu answered, plastering her usual smile across her face. She was met with a bright expression from Shizuku – who knew whether that smile was genuine, or likewise, a habit from Shizuku’s occupation?

“No worries. It is nothing important. I was just saying that the skies look a bit dark. I wonder if it will rain.”

“The meteorological agency is tracking a typhoon moving towards Japan, but it is predicted to make landfall far away from us. I hope the forecast is accurate.”

………………

Maybe Mafuyu shouldn’t have said those words.

She was not superstitious, but it felt uncanny that a storm tracked by meteorological experts for days would make an unpredictable swerve to hit them head-on. What were the chances?

As the archery tournament rolled on, the weather started deteriorating. While still waiting for their turn, they could already hear the rain start pouring outside. “I hope the trains don’t stop running by the time we finish…” Shizuku whispered. She was usually a well-disciplined student, but Mafuyu could see her sneak out her cellphone to send messages. It raised Mafuyu’s curiosity.

“Forgive me if this is an inappropriate question, but…who might you be messaging, Hinomori-san?”

“Ah! I’m sorry for using my cellphone instead of paying attention to the tournament!”

“Oh no, I had no intentions of reprimanding you. I really am just curious, as it is not like you to sneak out a phone during these situations.”

“I see…well…it’s to my parents, Shii-chan, and Airi-chan…I know they’d be worried about me if the storm worsens, so I want to keep them updated as to when I might return home.”

Was that what good girls would do in this situation? Mafuyu’s first thought was whether she should copy Shizuku’s actions, but it also struck her that she could not comprehend the feelings that propelled Shizuku to do what she did.

“Hinomori-san is very responsible, it seems.”

“Eh?”

“You considered that your friends and family would be concerned about your safety, so you are doing your best to alleviate their worries. That, to me, is a very responsible gesture.”

“Is it? I never really thought of it that way,” Shizuku said with a smile. “They love me very much, and I love them too. That’s why…I want to return their feelings. I want them to know that I appreciate their concern, and I’ll make every effort to return safely to their side.”

Did Mafuyu’s parents love her the same way Shizuku’s did? She wasn’t sure if she could feel it. They would probably be worried for Mafuyu’s safety too, but Mafuyu couldn’t help but wonder if that worry was sincere. How much of it was out of parental duty? How much of it was out of worry for losing the child they were so proud of, and not Mafuyu herself, as a person?

What an unnecessary line of thought. Mafuyu would never have considered this in the past. Then why? Why was she thinking this way? It wasn’t as though anybody’s love was unconditional. Kanade only cared for her out of Kanade’s desire to be a saviour. Mizuki only cared for her because they empathized with Mafuyu’s concealment of her true nature. And Ena…

Ena only had lust for her body, and jealousy for her talents.

Something inside of her clenched at the thought. It hurt.

In the end, Mafuyu did nothing. She continued watching the tournament while waiting her turn, and when it came time for Miyajo’s team to kneel before the judges, her mind was still trying to process the reason for the pain in her chest. She had to let go of it though. Kyudo was not just a sport, but an art form – one that demanded a clear head and calm heart. Mafuyu forced her mind empty. What a strange feeling – she had always been an empty person, yet now it was a challenge to return to her old state. She concentrated on her posture; each of her movements were trained through thousands of repetitions. Draw. Expand. Keep expanding beyond the release. Standing like a mountain in the midst of nothing. The rain outside was becoming louder though. An image of the water falling upon her started appearing in her imagination. But she was a mountain – why would rain bother her? The analogy was starting to fall apart, because in reality, she was not immovable. She was only a human after all, made of flesh and blood.

Where did that image of standing in the rain come from? Ah, Ena’s illustration for “Infinitely Gray”, that crouching girl crying into the storm. She had thought the composition of the painting was beautiful, even if the colour balance was awkward, but she had never tried to figure out the reason for her feelings. It was a surprise that this would come to her at this moment, right before she was to shoot her last arrow…

The painting evoked a sense of loneliness they both shared. Unloved by all, even themselves, for what they did have and what they didn’t. Both Ena and Mafuyu were trapped in that same storm, whether it was just a coincidence, or a calculated plot for their own gain. Regardless, they had found one another, thus were no longer alone.

“…I’ll make every effort to return safely to their side.”

Was this longing the same as what Shizuku had just told her about? Mafuyu really, really wanted to go home now.

The bow became heavy. Her draw was slow and her bowstring rang with less clarity. The arrow still pierced the target, but that wasn’t enough in kyudo. It should exist within the target as a natural occurrence. There was too much effort to place it there. She had failed.

But that failure did not bother her.

If anything, it made Mafuyu elated in a way she never was. The sweat that ran down her forehead, the strain in her arms and shoulders, stiffness in her chest from the overexpansion…such imperfections made her feel alive.

After they filed out of the active competition area, Mafuyu ran for her bag, ignoring her squealing fans. She took out her phone, heart skipping…but when the cold glass screen was finally in her hand, displaying her text messages with Ena, she hesitated. What should she type? She should just type what was on her mind, like always, but…but…for the first time, she pondered Ena’s reactions, and whether she’d be embarrassing herself.

I want to meet y…

Backspace, backspace, backspace.

I don’t want a kiss, I just want you to be by my si…

Backspace, backspace, backspace.

I am coming home.

Send.

………………

Ena’s POV

“No. I have an archery tournament in Ibaraki, so I might not return in time for the meeting.”

Stupid Mafuyu. She made zero effort to meet up with the rest of them. If she really wanted to, she could’ve asked for their meeting to be held later at night. She could’ve requested for a change of date. But when Mizuki suggested moving their celebratory meeting to the week after, Mafuyu just reacted as though it was oh-so-bothersome for her to attend.

She didn’t even want to see them.

Ena was uncharacteristically frustrated at Mafuyu’s reactions. She might’ve typed that reply saying she could care less if Mafuyu showed up, but she did. The two of them had been meeting up less frequently at the Sekai too. Sure, Ena might’ve been the one who blurted out how their pointless kisses were dissatisfying, but that didn’t mean…

She drummed her fingers against the table. Didn’t mean…what?

If she wasn’t meeting Mafuyu for her own gain, then what exactly was the point? Ena was selfish. And Mafuyu was as selfish as she was – hardly likeable. It wasn’t as though Mafuyu was nice to her, the way Airi and Kanade were!

“Why am I even thinking about her? What’s wrong with me?” Ena uttered to herself. Maybe she was tired. She didn’t like to take time off drawing – she’d show her father that she had what it took to become a professional artist, even surpass him! But such was the limit of being a lowly mortal. Her body needed rest. She threw herself onto her bed and tried to fall asleep.

She had not found sweet dreams up till the day of Mafuyu’s damn archery tournament. Night after night, Mafuyu failed to show up on their group chat, only leaving messages behind saying she was busy. Well, better than her previous disappearance stint, Ena supposed. It was irritating though! Ena chalked it up to her annoyance with Mafuyu’s seeming lack of responsibility towards their circle.

Ah, she woke up pissed at Mafuyu again. This was the worst. Ena dragged herself out of bed and parted the curtains just a bit to check the weather. The cloud layer was thick, menacingly dark in colour, yet there was no refreshing breeze to go with the impending rain. Instead, it was hot, damp…a typical Japanese summer. She hated it.

Her phone sounded with a short ring. The display lit up with a notification from her chat with Airi.

Airi: I just heard from Shizuku that there might be a typhoon coming. You might want to skip your evening classes, Ena.

Ena: A typhoon? Nobody talked about this though.

Airi: I don’t really follow the news, so I didn’t know until today too. Shizuku heard it from her archery teammate. The teammate said that there shouldn’t be landfall in Kanto according to yesterday’s forecast, but the weather is starting to look pretty bad, right? Oh, her name is Asahina by the way. It’s just annoying to keep typing teammate, teammate…

Oh right. Mafuyu had once said that she was Hinomori Shizuku’s teammate. Then they must be at the tournament together now. Ena couldn’t help but wonder if Airi would have news on how Shizuku and Mafuyu were doing in Ibaraki.

Ena: I hope Hinomori-san is doing fine. Isn’t she in Ibaraki now?

Airi: How did you know?

Ena: You probably mentioned it to me before? That Hinomori-san is having an archery tournament today?

Obviously, Airi never mentioned it, but she couldn’t exactly tell Airi her true intentions. Thankfully, Airi responded to her message.

Airi: Oh, have I? I’ve been so busy lately, it’s hard to remember things.

Airi: Anyway, I’m a bit worried for Shizuku. Seems like she has arrived safely, but it’d be bad if a storm really hits and she’s stuck in another prefecture.

Airi: I hope they have accommodations for them if the trains stop running.

Ena: She’ll probably be fine. She’s with all her teammates and the other participants of the tournament, right?

Airi: Yeah, I guess. I’d feel more at ease if she manages to come home though.

Was that how Ena felt about Mafuyu too as she gazed out into the gray skies? Rain had started pattering on her window. At first, they were mere drops, but quickly evolved into a downpour slashing against the glass that shook in the ferocity of the wind. Ena backed away just in case her window would shatter. Such was the violence of the impending typhoon. She visited the local news station’s webpage and played the live broadcast tracking the storm. Its course had changed and now it was headed directly towards them.

“I wonder if she’s okay…” Ena muttered. No. She didn’t want to keep thinking about Mafuyu! Why should she anyway? Their relationship was for mutual benefit, nothing more! It wasn’t as though she really cared for Mafuyu as a person!

Ena closed her eyes, the sound of rain and wind filled her ears. She was reminded of one of Niigo’s songs that Kanade had composed to encourage Ena after her argument with her father. Rainy Rainy, I drew only what I wanted. My heart is closed, but wait! In reality, I want to shout.

She subconsciously started to sing this phrase to herself, only stopping after realizing the next line she had been about to voice.

Rainy Rainy, I wished to be strong. My voice is mercilessly dispersed, playing the sound of loneliness.

Damn it! Why did it have to be Mafuyu, of all people, to have written those lyrics? Those lyrics…they spoke the words that Ena kept hidden in her heart. It was frustrating that Mafuyu would be the one to pry those words from her! She was an empty person with not a shred of care for anybody, including herself. So why? Why did she understand Ena? Why did she share Ena’s feelings?

If only Mafuyu was here for Ena to yell at. But she wasn’t. It was stupid to worry about her. It wasn’t like she’d be hit by a stray flower pot sent flying by the wind. She was inside a tournament hall – the kind of place the government would ask citizens to take shelter in during emergencies. It was just a typhoon. Dozens would hit every year. Worst comes to worst, it’s as Airi said – the trains would stop and she’d have to spend the night in Ibaraki. There was no reason for this strong desire to meet with her right away!

“I’m just going to pick up some convenience store cold soba! I haven’t had lunch, and I’m craving for it because of the damn weather!” Ena declared before changing into rain gear and stepping out of her home. Ugh, she hated dressing up like this. It wasn’t cute at all. Certainly not what a high school girl would want to wear.

But she was glad for it. The rain came down so hard that it felt like standing under a damn waterfall. Thankfully, the wind, while strong, wasn’t so crazy to sweep her up yet. Still, the streets were already mostly empty. There was probably a storm warning issued if Ena bothered to check on her phone.

She took the familiar path towards the station. Wait…the station? She said she was just going to visit the convenience store, right? This was ridiculous. The station was a good distance away, and it was certainly not sensible to try and walk there at the moment. She should stick to her plan. Enter that Lawson around the corner, buy her soba, and hurry back home!

That was what she ended up doing. She might not have been in the right state of mind given all the things that had been happening the past while, but she knew better than to make herself the victim of that stray flower pot she had mused about. She let out a sigh, both of relief and of pent-up frustrations, as she stepped into the convenience store. Her boots squeaked with every step across the linoleum while she crossed to the back where the refrigerated meals were located.

What the hell was she doing, really? She came here for soba? What a dumb excuse. But then, Ena had always been this dumb. The lyrics of “Infinitely Gray” echoed in her head again. Loneliness. That was it, huh? She had wanted Mafuyu out of lust, out of defiance for her father…but those were only secondary motivations, right?

She had been lonely.

The colours expressed by my fingers were empty.

Won’t you give me your recognition?

She wanted to feel loved, cherished, even if it was by Mafuyu.

Maybe it was because she was Mafuyu, the person who had everything Ena wanted, who also desired everything Ena wished to discard. Her complete opposite, yet one and the same.

Such messy feelings.

But was that a bad thing? Having messy feelings towards someone?

She had once explained to Mafuyu how she had no regrets being frustrated and jealous. It made her who she was today - to face that frustration and jealousy head-on, and develop her character as she did so. Shouldn’t this be what life was about? This must be why her father’s words had stung so much. “You’re making your life more difficult than necessary.” Yes, but this was who she was, and she was angry at the notion that her father would think her so weak as to be unable, and undetermined to overcome the difficulties that came with her identity.

He might’ve had reason for looking down on her though. Ena wiped away the tears that she didn’t know had fallen until now – wasn’t her behaviour the past while a confirmation of her father’s views? In what way had she proven herself capable of moving forward?

Because it was difficult to get her father to acknowledge her, she had avoided him. Because it was difficult to face her messy feelings for Mafuyu, she had pretended they didn’t exist. How cowardly.

But not anymore.

She took out her phone from the pocket of her jacket; thankfully, it was dry. She inputted her home number and dialed. At this hour, he should be the only one answering…

“Hello, Shinonome speaking…” her father’s gruff voice sounded. Ena held a fist. Her jaws were clenched, but she forced herself to let go.

“Dad.”

“Ena? Aren’t you upstairs?”

“No, I went to get lunch from the Lawson.”

“…In a storm. You didn’t think things through again, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah, I was stupid this time. But is that all you’ve got to say? Are you just gonna watch and laugh at my problems?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

Ena chuckled now that she realized what her father truly meant despite his potty mouth. “So that means you’re coming to pick me up, right?”

Her tone must’ve shocked her father, as he remained silent for a few seconds. When he finally spoke, his voice lost some of its edge.

“I will never abandon you. I am your father.”

“Yeah, I know.”

She hung up, and within minutes, her father’s car pulled into the small lot outside of the Lawson. He didn’t even wear a jacket, so the few steps from his car to the store’s entrance left his sweater soaked. Ena showed him the basket in her hand.

“Korean-style beef bowl is fine for you, right?” she asked.

“I need a beer to go with that,” he answered, putting a can into the basket. He took it to the register, prompting Ena to complain.

“I was going to pay!”

“You’re underaged. They won’t let you buy the beer. Your allowance comes from my pocket anyway. If you have the extra money, spend it on art supplies.”

Her father could be such a self-righteous prick.

But Ena shut her mouth about it this time. She’d rather have a constructive conversation. If he remained a petulant child even at his age, it didn’t mean Ena had to follow his steps.

They returned to the car and drove towards home. The rain came down so hard that the windshield wiper at maximum velocity wasn’t doing much to clear up the field of view. They were moving at a snail pace, rolling down the slowly flooding street by following the taillights of the car in front of them.

Ena spoke up first. “I’m not afraid of difficulty. I’m afraid no one would catch my back if I do fall.”

Her father sighed. “I never said I wouldn’t.”

A long silence reigned again before her father further clarified. “I warned you it would be tough because I didn’t want you to fall. It would hurt, even if I try to catch you.”

“I know that. So that’s why I’m telling you now – I know what I’m doing.”

“You just turned seventeen. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Fine. You can think that. But if I don’t try to decide for myself now, I’d never learn to make decisions. I want to take risks while you’re still here for me. I don’t want to wait till I’m an adult and still act like a pampered baby!”

They had finally reached home. Her father turned off the engine, but they both remained inside the silent car. There was a distant rumbling of thunder. Her father waited till the sound dissipated before he spoke again.

“Maybe you’re right.”

Ena couldn’t remember the last time her father smiled like this. That pride. She could read it from his eyes. And there was a hint of sadness – the sadness of having to let go, to let her fly freely out of his reach.

They made their way back into the house and parted at the stairway. Before her father walked down the hall to his studio, he muttered, “It’s too early for you to be in a serious romantic relationship, but if, one day, you do find yourself a woman you want to spend your life with…bring her home and we’ll have dinner together.”

“I will.”

………………

She had already gotten the acknowledgment she wanted from her father.

But just as she had expected, the desire to see Mafuyu did not diminish. It only grew.

“I am coming home.”

Mafuyu had sent her that text message. Ena’s heart skipped. Could it be…Could it be that Mafuyu also wanted to see her?

It was stupid, really…flying her fingers across the screen to bring up “Future Written In Regrets” to transport herself into the Sekai. Mafuyu might not even be there. And if she was, what should Ena even say?

I wanted to see you.

I don’t even know if I truly love you, but I still want you to be here with me.

When she found Mafuyu in the Sekai, back towards her, seemingly waiting, Ena said neither of those things.

“Mafuyu!”

Mafuyu turned, and Ena ran to embrace her.

She was expecting Mafuyu to give her an annoyed “What are you doing?”. But Mafuyu didn’t say anything. She just hugged Ena back.

This was so comforting.

Ena finally released Mafuyu, she looked up to her face, a finger looped around the choker necklace resting above Mafuyu’s collar.

“Hey, let’s start over, okay?”

Mafuyu nodded. Ena left the rest of her words unsaid. Instead, she undid the necklace’s clasp, slipping it off Mafuyu.

This time, she would accept Mafuyu, not as a marionette, but as who she really was…

…the girl who hasn’t even found herself. The one who could be ever so rude and self-centered.

Ena didn’t know if Mafuyu would one day be the woman she brings home for a family dinner. She might never come to love Mafuyu, or vice versa.

But for now, she took Mafuyu’s hand, and they walked forward.

“You see that light? It’s parting the gray ceiling. I’ve never seen it in this Sekai before,” Ena said, pointing ahead.

“The Sekai is changing…because I am.”

“Is that so? Then let’s go see how you’ve changed.”

They came to stand under the light, keeping a slight distance, leaving only their hands connected. In the future, the clouds will part, and under that blue sky, they may share a meaningful kiss.

Look only at me and convey your love.

Say bye bye bye bye to this kind of world.

I traced the feelings that oozed from me,

And laughed in the shape of my dreams.