Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Red silently blinked on the analog clock which sat on the young doctor's bedside table. Although it wasn't extremely clear, he was still able to make out the time, 2:00 AM, also known as way-too-early-to-be-getting-up-especially-two-days-after-a-rough-case o'clock. But, Spencer's body begged to differ. He looked over, surprised to not find his body entangled with his boyfriend's. On any other night, he would've rolled over and buried his face into Liam's chest and tried to wait out or sleep off his sharp headache, but right now, he deemed it a little too hot for cuddles. Maybe he was coming down with something?

Instead, Spencer sat up, his two-sizes-too-large Journey shirt falling to cover his midriff. The floorboards creaked beneath the soft fabric of his bunny slippers as he took a few steps into the dark room before pausing. Fingers pressed to his temples and eyes squeezed shut as the world spun around him, even the slight sense of dizziness making him feel sick to his stomach. A small sigh escaped the man as he stumbled over to the bathroom. Spencer's tired eyes glared back at him through the reflection of the mirror as his hands gripped at the counter, now supporting most of his weight. Cafe coloured bags drooped under his chocolate eyes and little spots of acne littered his face. He felt like shit, and, in his opinion, looked like it, too.

Then it hit him. Spencer groaned as his shoulders slumped forwards and head fell back, a painful expression painted on his face. It was that wonderful time of the month. How long had it been? A year, maybe?

Yes, the physical side effects of his period weren’t great, but the thing that bothered him the most was the gender dysphoria that came with it. Most of the time, he was at peace with his body- top surgery had provided him with a flatter and rather seamless chest, and testosterone had helped to make the rest of his appearance more ideal, and slowed his menstrual cycle, stopping it completely after about a year. But, it was these times that dysphoria hit him the hardest, as it was labeled a “feminine” sort of thing by society.

He took a moment to accept the fact that both his mind and body would be in agony for the next little while, then reminded himself that it would only be for a week, at most, as he dropped onto his knees and began searching through the cabinet beneath the sink for a pad, just to get him through the night.

Moments later, he shuffled out of the bathroom and quietly crawled back into bed, cuddling up to Liam and soon drifting off to sleep again.

Spencer's wake-up call was the eight o'clock sunlight that flooded the room. He let out a small yawn, not bothering to open his eyes as he nestled into the flesh in front of him. 

"'Morning, baby boy," the younger man cooed while combing his fingers through the agent's locks. Liam had woken up about half an hour ago, and he didn't mind waiting for his boyfriend to wake. It wasn't unusual for Spencer to sleep in later than him, which gave him time to read or relax, or even cook breakfast on the rare occasion that their limbs weren't tangled together.

There was no way that Liam could've known it, but that nickname was exactly what Spencer needed right now. 

"Baby boy..?" He repeated, muttering it back to his boyfriend as if it were a question. 

Liam nodded, looking down to meet the other's gaze, who had momentarily lifted his face from his side. "Mmhm. You're my baby boy. Did you forget that?" He teased with a chuckle. 

To his question, Spencer simply nuzzled against his side again and whispered, "I love you so much." His arms snaked around his boyfriend's chest, wrapping him in a tight hug. A soft smile pulled at his lips as he returned the embrace. 

“I love you too.” He wasn’t sure why the nickname had made him so happy, but he was glad that it did.

After a few moments of clinging on to Liam as if he were a lifeline, he let out a small whimper, which earned a concerned look from him. Spencer laid there for a moment, hoping for the pain of his cramp to subside so he wouldn’t have to move. This wasn’t the case for him, which was rather unfortunate considering that all he wanted to do right now was stay snuggled up with his boyfriend. The rustling of sheets overtook the quiet of the room as both of the men moved; Spencer rolling over- and almost off the bed- with his legs hugged to his chest, Liam scooting to sit up against the headboard.

“Are you alright?” He asked, watching his boyfriend with a quirked eyebrow. The weak nod that he gave was considerably unconvincing, as this movement was followed by him rolling a little closer to Liam, his face buried in the sheets and backside raised while he tried to find the perfect spot. The child's pose was, so far, the most comfortable position he’d found. “Sure about that?” Liam questioned, prying a little further.

“Cramps,” Spencer muttered in return, slowly shifting his hips over to one side and sighing with the relief it provided his lower back.

He nodded in understanding, his expression slightly less concerned. A hum left Liam’s lips as he checked the time: 8:30. “What if you called in sick today?” Liam suggested while extending an arm to gently rub his lover’s back. Just for good measure, he added, “I don’t have to go in until later,” knowing that could be persuasion enough to get him to stay.

“But-” he began to protest, but was interrupted by Liam.

“We both know Aaron would send you home in a heartbeat. I mean, take a look at yourself, sweetheart.”

Spencer nodded weakly once again, knowing that he’d probably end up staying home either way. He took a shallow breath as his hands spread out just a little further in front of him, then relaxed, happy that he’d solved the unpleasant aching. “Babe?” He was tempted to turn his head as he asked for his boyfriend’s attention, but knew better than to move.

“Hm?”

“Do you think you could pass me my phone?”

Liam couldn’t help but snicker as he reached for his phone. “Comfortable?” he asked, setting it down just near his hand so he wouldn’t need to move to call his boss.

“Very.”

One short and mainly muffled phone call later, the day was theirs. He had to admit, he felt a little bad about taking a sick day for something normal, but Spencer reasoned with himself: it wasn’t normal for him. Not anymore, at least

Seeing that he was content in the position he’d found, Liam sat up and stretched. “I think I’m gonna make myself a cup of tea. Want anything while I’m up?” he offered. When Spencer shook his head, burrowing his face back into the blankets at the same time, the younger brunet stood up and left, retrieving a mug of sweet, milky chai and, despite his answer, a cool cup of water for his boyfriend. When Liam returned, he was met with the sight of Spencer sprawled out across the bed, giving a small groan of pain mixed with a hint of frustration as he came to terms with the fact that he’d lost the one decent position he’d had.

“You could’ve just asked me to move,” he joked, which received a somewhat dull glare from him, informing Li that he was no longer in the cuddly, fluffy, and joking-around sort of mode. “So, lose the spot?” He sat down on the side of the bed as he wondered this, the glass of water being left on the bedside table where it was soon to be neglected.

“I literally just breathed wrong,” he mumbled as he lifted his arms above him, then let them fall back onto the bed with a slightly dramatic sigh. His tone was drenched with exasperation and irritation, clearly sick of this already.

Liam quickly scanned the taller man over. Between the flushed face and apparently very sensitive stomach pains, he didn’t seem well at all. “Maybe you should go to the doctor’s.” The suggestion wasn’t Liam’s favourite to make, as he was far more than aware of both of their dislike of going to the doctor’s office, especially when it wasn’t necessary. It definitely wasn’t Spencer’s favourite to hear either and put him in an awkward spot for a moment.

“No,” he replied, just a little too quickly. “I-... I’m fine.”

Li gave a bit of a sad smile with a hesitant nod while extending a hand to rest on Spencer’s thigh. As much as he would’ve loved the contact minutes ago, he wasn’t rather fond of it right now but was too lazy to do anything about it. He tried again with a different suggestion. “How about a nice, warm bath then? And I can make something to eat after.”

“Shower?” Spencer negotiated. As much as he enjoyed a good old bath, he wanted to spend the least amount of time possible with his bare body. Liam gave him a concerned look, but smiled nonetheless. 

"Whatever floats your boat." It wasn't often that Spencer turned down baths, but when he did, there was definitely something up with him. "What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes?"

He found himself torn between his lack of appetite and cravings for chocolate.  "With chocolate chips?" He asked, mind already made up. Chocolate always won.

Liam chuckled and smiled, "with all the chocolate chips you want."

Chapter Text

Before he left, he gave Liam a quick peck on the cheek. So desperately Spencer wished to tell him just how much all the small gestures of the morning had meant to him, how they were more of a relief than any pill he could take or thing he could do for himself, but that required a certain courage that he didn't yet possess. It almost made him feel a little bad; surely, Liam wouldn't see him as any less of a man…

...right?

As much as he hated it, his anxiety still managed to convince the smallest portion of his mind that things could turn out.. well.. less than ideal. The rational part of his mind reassured him that Liam would still love him the same, so he decided to cling on to that thought.

His shower was warm, short, and purposeful. His mind was torn between staying under the hot water and leaving- the heat of the shower certainly helped to soothe his cramps, but at the same time, he wanted nothing more than to get dressed; to cover himself from his own mind. The latter won, as physical aches, in his experience, are easier to treat than mental ones, so he towled himself off and wrapped it around his waist before taking a moment to look in the mirror. He looked better now that he’d taken care of himself a little: the bags under his eyes were lighter, his acne was considerably less noticeable, and not to mention that he actually appeared to be well rested. Light stubble dusted the lower portion of his face, nothing too noticeable. Normally, he’d shave it away, but he decided against that. He reminded himself that it was the little things, no matter how small, that would help him through the week.

He let his gaze drop to his chest. Even eight years later, he was still surprised by the way surgery had given him a flat, almost completely natural looking chest. The scars had faded quickly, leaving slight pinkish lines under his pecs. They were a little darker as the scars drew closer to his side, but he didn’t mind. It was probably the part of himself that he was the happiest about.

Turning off the lights behind him, Spencer left the bathroom, heading over to the bedroom to get dressed. He spent a moment contemplating his outfit, trying to think of what would be the most comfortable. When he emerged from the room, he was wearing a black hoodie, FBI logo printed on the back and his name embroidered on his left shoulder, and a pair of gym shorts which looked to be a size too large. The smell of Liam’s fantastic chocolate chip pancakes wafted through the air as he made his way to the kitchen.

“These smell amazing, sweetheart,” Spencer hummed before wrapping his arms around the shorter man, pulling him into a hug from behind. Liam leaned into the embrace, turning his head to place a soft kiss Spencer’s cheek, who had rested his chin on his shoulder.

“You’re in a cuddly mood today.” His observation, although evident, wasn’t entirely true, but Spencer didn’t feel like explaining that right now. Rather, he let out a soft hum. “Feeling any better?”

“A little.”

He nodded with a bit of a smile. “Well, I hope the pancakes help.”

Spencer smiled, pulling away to help clean up the kitchen. “I hope they do too.” Unfortunately, the only thing that would help is time, which he was far more than aware of. In the meantime, he could at least be helpful and try to clear his mind. The latter was usually a difficult task. On normal days, small details or images from cases plagued the silence in his mind. Today, however, it was a mix of unrest with his own body and his pre-shower thoughts that worried him. “ I’m probably just being dramatic ,” he reassured himself, but it didn’t take away the sting of the thoughts. When Liam flipped the final pancake onto a plate, giving them each three of the sweet and fluffy flapjacks, and Spencer had finished wiping down the counter, he grabbed forks and napkins, then moved the plates to the kitchen table. 

“Anything I can get for you?" Liam asked, setting his tea on the table, "Maybe a cup of coffee?” Half the time it was like Spencer was married to his favourite mug, which was usually filled with over-sweetened light roast coffee. Today, it sat on the counter, cleaned and unused for a record time. He knew that caffeine wasn’t usually good for stomach aches, but hoped that a single cup might help put a little pep in his step.

“I think I’m good,” Spencer muttered, taking a small bite out of the pancakes in front of him. “Caffeine tends to heighten anxiety and it also causes the body to produce acid, which definitely won’t help cramps.” There was also the inevitable low that came with the slight high coffee tends to give people. On any other day, the low was simply tiredness, but on days like today, it could be anything from headaches to dizziness to actually being sick, and he wasn’t rather fond of any of those. The bitter bean juice could wait for another day.

Chapter Text

If there was anything that he’d learned by talking with profilers on the regular, it was that there’s always a cause to everyone’s actions. Any change to order, any specific pattern, there was a reason behind it. And that got Liam thinking. Spencer had mentioned anxiety first. Why? He decided to wait for a moment, seeing if he’d follow it up with anything that could be helpful. Spencer sat there quietly, his body language subtly becoming more closed-off as he tried to fend off the thoughts in his head which had become too loud. “Spence?” When he startled just from his name being called, Liam became sure that there was something else bothering him other than his stomach. “Talk to me, honey. What’s on your mind?” he prompted gently.

His gaze met Liam’s with a slightly worried expression, eyes shifting nervously across his boyfriend’s face. After taking a moment to swallow the mouthful of pancakes that he had, he gave a small sigh. “I uh… I’m-” Spencer took a shallow breath as he glanced away, collecting his thoughts and forcing the words to the tip of his tongue. “I’m trans-.. I uh, didn’t know if you knew that or not.” He flicked his eyes to Liam for a moment, not even long enough to gauge his expression before returning to his plate as he cut a piece of pancake off.

Liam nodded with a smile, taking a second to think of what to say. “I appreciate you telling me, that must’ve taken some confidence.” He hadn’t exactly been sure if that were the right response or not, so he was glad when Spencer looked back up, giving a small grin before taking a bite of his meal. In their silence, Spencer’s gaze lowered again, pulling a soft sigh from him. They’d only been together a month, but that was long enough to know that his boyfriend had more to say, but probably wouldn’t continue until prodded at. “That’s not what’s bothering you… is it?” He’d picked his words carefully, not wanting to stress him or anything of the sort.

The couple didn’t need words in a tender moment like this. Spencer had swayed his head from side to side a little, so Liam outstretched his arm across the table, giving a gentle squeeze to his shoulder and a sympathetic smile. He placed a hand atop the younger’s, taking a moment to swallow before mentioning, “I… probably should’ve told you sooner, but you were the first person I care about that I was able to just be out to in a long time.” Part of him felt like he should apologize and the other part didn’t, so he sat there, completely conflicted for a moment. 

Thankfully, Liam saved him from needing to say anything else. “I understand. Well, maybe not to the same degree, but I get it.” Spencer nodded in understanding as he took another bite. “If you don’t mind me asking, you mentioned that you thought you should’ve come out sooner?” He looked up to his boyfriend, making sure he was comfortable with the question so far. “Why’s that?”

He looked up from his plate where his gaze had dropped, not out of anxiousness, but simply for the ease of cutting the flapjacks. “Sex,” he replied with a shrug. That definitely made sense- Spencer had always been hesitant and tended to want to take things slow when it came to sexual things; more than happy to pleasure Liam, but always becoming uncomfortable when the attention was focused on him, and that was where things stopped. After a moment of looking at each other, understanding in both of their eyes, they broke out in a small fit of giggles. Nothing in particular caused it, but it certainly lightened the mood. The smile that remained on Spencer’s lips wasn’t one of the sorts that tugged at the corners of his mouth momentarily before dropping a moment later. No, this one was a sincere, relaxed, and content one.

The expression lasted for all of about sixty seconds. A wave of dizziness and nausea hit him like a brick, causing him to wince as he squeezed his eyes shut. He dropped his utensils to the table with a clang that was a little too loud for his liking at the moment, and brought his hands up to his face, wiping over his eyelids, then letting his head rest against his fingers.

Liam jolted up at the sudden noise, eyes darting to the source of it. “Shit, Spence, are you alright?” His quick nod was barely noticeable. He scurried off to the bedroom, retrieving the now luke-warm glass of water that had obviously been left untouched by his boyfriend. “Drink,” Liam instructed him, putting the cup in front of him. The contents of the container decreased as they were sipped at, Liam carefully watching him to make sure that he was okay. When Spencer placed the glass down, he looked back up to him, seeing the worried expression on his face.

“I started on testosterone two years ago,” he explained. Liam looked absolutely puzzled, wondering what this had to do with anything, but he was sure he had a point. “My menstrual cycle kind of tapered out and became irregular over the first six months, stopping completely by the end of my first year, but um-” he took another small gulp of the drink. His boyfriend nodded ever so slightly, the pieces clicking in his mind. “That was a roundabout way of saying I’m on my period,” Spencer clarified. He then looked down at his glass of water as he gently tapped on its sides, mesmerized by the ripples that were sent across the liquid’s surface. Liam let out a small chuckle, and just the sound of that brought a grin to Spencer’s lips.

“So,” he wondered, “Is there anything that I can do..? Anything that I can get for you to make it more, uh, tolerable, I guess?”

Spencer smiled as he thought. “Have I told you how much I love you?” Liam’s offer absolutely warmed him, reminding him just how much he was loved and cared for. 

Spencer actually had reminded him when he thought about it, just after he called him “baby boy”- now his cuddly reaction made sense. Liam gave a fond smile at the memory, happy that he’d provided that sense of euphoria for him.

“If you’re going out sometime today, do you think you could pick up some Advil?” He asked before taking another sip from his water.

He nodded. “For sure. You still have some, right?”

“Just not as much as I’ll probably need. Caffeine withdrawal sucks,” he joked. Liam’s soft chuckles filled the air, and what a wonderful sound that was. Seeing his smile and hearing his beautiful laugh helped to melt away his anxieties and to silence the sliver of doubt that still nagged at the back of his mind.

As time passed, the stack of pancakes grew shorter and the room filled with conversations and chuckles until they were interrupted by the alarm on Liam’s phone. After dismissing it and taking a moment to think, he offered Spencer a sweet smile. “I’m just going to swing by my place real quick, make Peaches some food, grab some Advil, and um.. Anything else you need?”

Spencer considered his question for a moment, tempted to make some sort of joke before remembering that there was actually something else to add to the list. “Tampons?”

“You got it baby,” he replied, pointing finger guns at him. Liam couldn’t help but smile when the gesture pulled a small chuckle from him. “I’ll be back in a jiffy.” He stood up, leaning to place a quick kiss on Spencer's forehead- a gesture which never failed to make him blush- before placing his plate in the sink and going to grab his coat.

“Don’t rush, Peaches also needs his quality time with you,” he said with a little laugh. Normally, he would’ve loved to visit the cockatoo, but today he hated even the thought of leaving his flat.

Liam raised his eyebrow, pausing to turn to him. “But you said you need…?”

“It’s okay, Love,” Spencer reassured, “I have pads, I’ve got my heating pack, and more than enough advil for now. It may not be pleasant, but I can manage.”

For a moment, Liam simply looked him over, then nodded. “Well, don’t have too much fun while I’m gone, and call me if you need anything else.” With a smile and a quick peck on the lips, he left, giving a small wave as he walked out the door. Fortunately, Spencer knew exactly what to do to pass the time.