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Many things confused Severus; stupidity, Albus's insistence that he talks to the rest of the staff, teaching but even all that paled with his greatest mystery.
Himself.
Before the war, Severus had never had a reason to question his sexuality, mostly because he never had the time to think about it, he didn’t think there was something to actually think about.
He was straight, simple as that, at least that was what everyone said.
Everyone thought he had a crush on Lily. Potter and his gang to the point they tortured him because of it, Albus used it as a way to convince (manipulate) him to do things he needed and even Voldermort brought it up, thought it weird that he would waste his time on a “mudblood” like her.
Not to mention his father was incredibly homophobic, two things his father hated, magic and everything queer. Even Lily would frown with disapproval when she found out someone was queer.
The only people who seemed to have had no problems with people being queer were his housemates and the death eaters, was that why Severus equated not being straight as bad? Because the “bad” guys didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, while the “good” side was indifferent about it, at best.
Mix all that together, plus just trying to survive each day and it was no wonder he had missed that vital moment of discovery so many experienced during their youth.
Now though, the war was over, he was making more money than he could ever dream of as a child with his potions. Lucius, Narcissa, and their little one were doing well and so were the others he held as important in his life.
Technically he had everything he had dreamt of as a kid, money, and friends but what about love? Why was it that when he thought about love, he pictured broad shoulders and deep voices, instead of something more feminine?
Screw this, he needed a drink
*********
He was nursing his first drink, still deep in thought when a voice like honey interrupted his thoughts
“Penny for your thoughts?”
A muggleborn then or maybe muggleraised? Either way, the owner's voice was intoxicating.
Severus looked up to find himself staring into a familiar set of hazel eyes, his heart dropped. He recognised the man, how couldn't he? Those eyes had haunted him in his waking hours and in his sleep when he could manage it.
It had been two years since that night at the clinic and Severus still couldn’t forget the man, with the hazel eyes and dark auburn hair, not to mention incredible use of wandless and wordless magic.
He was staring, technically they were both staring but Severus could feel his cheeks heating up and quickly looked back at his drink, mumbling assent for the man to join him.
He was blushing. He, Severus Snape was blushing and he wanted it to stop. Emotions like this were dangerous, they got you beaten up or hexed, they put your life in danger, they gave others all the permission they needed to hurt you and Severus knew all about that, he refused to be in that position again.
He could barely breathe as scenes flashed before his eyes, of his father and his belt, roaring at him to man up when he was still young enough to cry. The marauders stalking him and their delight when they managed to break him down, not into a crying mess but one of anger and fury as he pushed the tears down.
He could see and hear all that but even through the haze, he could hear a calmer voice, a gentle one. A hand on his arm, talking to him.
“Take a deep breath, that’s it… In and out, In and out” it was gentle, healing, a soothing balm on a tight chest. Severus clung to it like a lifeline, afraid that if he let go, he would never recover, worse still, he was afraid the voice would disappear and the soothing hand would follow.
He followed the voice’s instructions and eventually his breathing returned to normal, the haze cleared and he was back in the pub, a quick glance around and he sighed with relief, the bar was mostly empty.
“No one noticed your panic attack” the honeyed voice whispered. Severus had almost forgotten about the man, he felt a little guilty about that.
Glancing up at the auburn-haired man, he expected a look of mockery or disgust, he was shocked when the man’s face held concern instead.
“Are you alright?” Real genuine concern laced his voice, he was worried about Severus.
It was confusing, it was that confusion that stopped Severus from running out. He nodded and looked down at his drink once more, it was still his first one.
“What do you want?” He muttered, his cheeks back to normal, his breathing even.
"Honestly?" The man asked, Severus, nodded.
"I remembered you from the hospital, never forgot about you, to be honest", he let out a chuckle while rubbing the back of his neck, his long hair doing a good job in covering up his quickly reddening neck. "I wanted to see if you were single, interested in men, and in the mood for sex and hopefully a date."
He glanced at the table, where their hands were still interlaced, it felt good and he was glad when the raven-haired man didn't pull away, he gave it a squeeze and carried on. "I'm still curious about all that but right now, I'm mostly interested in if you're alright?"
Severus had been staring at their interlaced hands the whole time the man had been speaking. His right and the man's left, fit together perfectly and felt good. He shook his head, what was wrong with him today?
“I’m fine, nothing I’m not used to” Severus waved it off with his left hand, he noticed the man frown at that and rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, nothing to worry about, I’m fine. Now back to sex”
That seemed to snap the man out of his worried state, for the time being anyway, and he gave a big grin. Severus rolled his eyes again, a smile playing at his lips, his first conversation with the man and it felt like he had known him a long time.
In a good way.
What should he tell this man? With his beautiful hair and charming smile, at least, now Severus knew he was definitely attracted to other men or at least this one. Did that make him gay? He quickly downed the glass he had been nursing all night, his partner doing the same, and quickly topped up his glass, doing the same for the other man.
"I'm single, interested in you, a date would be nice" he squeezed his hands "but I've never had sex with another man, and so will need some… guidance" Severus replied, surprised with himself at the fact he was actually flirting with the man, while stroking the other's hand with his thumb, the man seemed to short circuit then, quickly nodding and smiling. Getting to his feet and pulling Severus along with him.
“I’m Grail Ashford by the way”
“Severus Snape”