Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Liverpool, 1968

15-year-old John was staring down at his desk.

"Where's your book, John?" the teacher asked.

John looked up at her, stretched his legs and shrugged. "Don't know."

It wasn't like he didn't care about school. Keeping track of his stuff was just one of the problems that came with sleeping over at another friend's house almost every night because he wasn't tolerated in his own home by his sorry excuse of a father. He tried to remember where he'd slept the last few nights. Larry's, Brian's, Annie's, Gary's, Kurt's adult brother's who's name he always kept forgetting and who he barely knew...

"What's that supposed to mean? Seriously John, what am I supposed to do with you?" the teacher interrupted his thoughts. "You can't just keep forgetting your things. Don't you care about your future? We're going to have a look at the periodic table today and..." Her voice became louder as she kept talking. It didn't seem like she would stop anytime soon.

John feigned indifference. "What does she expect me to do now? Pull the book out of my arse if she screams loud enough?" he muttered under his breath, causing a few of his classmates to laugh.

"Umm, we can share, Mrs. Humphrey," Larry offered.

"This was the last time you got away with this, John," Mrs. Humphrey huffed.

John didn't change his posture nor did he look away as Larry placed his book between the two of them.

Mrs. Humphrey sighed and gave him a stern look before she turned around to write something on the board.

"Could you figure out our math homework?" Larry whispered, "seriously, it felt like rocket science to me."

"I guess so, but it's the last class of the day."

"I take it you won't be here?"

John nodded. "Shame I did it anyways...want my notebook?"

Larry was already used to John skipping lessons every now and then. What he didn't know was that his mate did it because he had taken on a job that sometimes collided with his school lessons. He worked at a petrol station to make sure he and his older sister Cheryl could at least buy themselves some clothes that didn't look like the two of them had been dumbster diving since there was only one thing their father could be counted on: to drink away his money in some shabby pub with his lowlife friends who would try to hit on Cheryl at any given opportunity.

John and the owner of the petrol station got along splendidly. He paid John in cash and ignored that he was actually far too young to work at the place, while John pretended not to recognize money laundering when it happened right under his nose.

John could also buy some booze there which even got him invited to some parties of the older students, earning him his classmates' respect.

Suddenly John was hit by a balled up piece of paper. He turned around to see Ailen Evans gesture at him to read the note that was now laying underneath his table.

Mrs. Humphrey had turned around to talk to the class again, so John quickly covered the paper with his foot. He 'accidentally' pushed off his pen with his elbow, giving him an excuse to pick up both the pen and the note.

He unfolded the crumpled piece of paper, hiding it under the table for both Larry and him to read.

My parents are gone for the weekend, party at my house

9:00 pm, bring friends & booze

John grinned and turned around, to give Ailen the thumbs up.

"Ailen Evans?! Seriously Johnny, how do you always do that?" Larry whispered.
John grinned smugly. "I'm me."

"So," John put an arm on Brian's shoulder and the other one around Annie's waist, "looks like we're going to a party."

"Umm, may I come too?" Gary asked, nervously picking at the seam of his school uniform.

"Of course Gary," John replied. "Could your brother drive us there?"

"Y-yes, I suppose he could. But...am I really allowed to come? I mean, what if Ailen..."

John rolled his eyes. "Mate, just relax and stop worrying. It'll work wonders."

Gary bit his lip. How did John do that? What he would give to have only a fraction of John's confidence and charisma. Before he'd become part of John's gang, he'd been a regular victim of bullying and he was still constantly afraid of people not liking him.

They sat down at the foot of a big oak tree at the far corner of the schoolyard which had become their usual spot.

Annie rummaged through her bag. "Uh Johnny, I think I found your book."

John shot her an incredulous look and laughed. "I swear, if you were a bloke, I'd...!" Then he ducked as Annie playfully tried to hit him with his book.

They had kind of adopted Annie as she didn't get along with the other girls who were only interested in fashion and make up while Annie was more of a nerd girl. She was also quite smart and had saved them all from flunking their exams more often than not.

"Hey Brian, you're coming too?" Larry asked.

Brian was a quiet boy, usually more interested in reading his books than going to parties. "Come on, you might meet a nice girl there," John chimed in.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming," Brian muttered.

The party was really fun, there was booze and music, and everyone was having a good time until some older guy started picking on Gary because of his weird dance moves.

John interrupted the kiss and gently pushed Ailen off his lap. He turned up the collar of his studded black leather jacket and got up. "Oy mate, leave 'im alone!"

The other guy turned around. "Have you seen his moves? Seriously, what was that, a dying seal?" he said loud enough for the other kids to hear. "Are you trying to impress any chicks with these?! Because if you are, I can tell you..."

Gary gulped, obviously wishing for the ground to open and swallow him up.

John took a step closer. "I said, leave him alone."

The other guy's gaze travelled from John's skinny jeans over his spiked wristbands and black painted fingernails up to his eyes framed with dark eyeliner. "Awww, are you his boyfriend or something? Ailen will be so disappointed...especially if she's scorned for someone like him – ow!"

John's fist had made harsh contact with the guy's face. "Sod off!"

"What the...? Alright, alright, I'll leave that twit alone."

"Wow Johnny, remind me never to call you gay."

John rubbed his hand. "Huh? Whatever Gary, just do me a favour and stay with Annie okay? I've got, uuh..."

He turned around to look at Ailen who gave him a wide-eyed stare.

"You just hit my brother!"

"Well, sorry dear, but he had it coming. So...where were we?" John asked, suggestively raising an eyebrow. 

"No, Johnny, absolutey not!"

John shrugged and turned around. "Well Gary, looks like..." His gaze travelled over to the boy dancing half-naked on a table while trying to eat an unpeeled banana. "...looks like it's time to go, go get your brother."

He got a very drunk Larry to step down from the table and lead him outside where the rest of his mates had already met up.

Gary's brother took a look at Larry. "Oh no, he's absolutely not getting into my car, he's gonna puke, I can see it."

John looked back and forth between Brian, Annie and Gary. Then he rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright, I'll walk him home. Come on, Larry..." He wrapped one arm around his mate's waist to hold him steady.

"The floor 's movin...Jawnny, why 'sit movin?"

Annie gave him a concerned look. "It's a two hour walk to his house."

"Then we'll better get going, chop chop Larry." John steered him around. "See you all on Monday."

"Stop that, mate." John swatted Larry's hand away that had become very interested in John's wristbands.

" 'tis so shiny, lemme touch..."

John sighed. "Okay, you can touch it but only if you keep walking, alright?"

"Awl'ight."

After about half an hour of walking, a car pulled up next to them. It was Larry's mum. She'd gotten concerned after Larry hadn't been home at 1:00 AM like they had agreed on. She told both boys to get into her car, thanking John for walking her son home.

"Do you want me to drive you home, John?"

"Umm..."

"Let Jawnny stay withus, his dad 's a..."

John let his elbow make harsh contact with Larry's ribs.

"Owww..."

"Here Larry, play with the shiny thing." John quickly slipped off one of his spiked wrist bands and handed it to Larry, hoping it might distract him from giving his mother any details about the pile of shit that was John's life. The last thing he needed was her sympathy.

Larry's mother frowned. "Of course you could sleep at our house if your parents are okay with that."

John breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, they're fine with it."

"John, I'd really feel better if you called your parents to tell them you're sleeping here tonight. They're probably worrying about you by now."

John nodded. Sure, he would pretend to call his father if that made Larry's mum feel any better.

It turned out Gary's brother had been right. They had been driving for about five minutes when Larry doubled over and puked all over the car seat's covers.

"Well, remember this the next time your planning on getting wasted my son," his mother commented dryly. "Guess who's gonna do the laundry for the next week."

Larry groaned.

John had watched in silence. So this was how punishment looked like when your parents didn't wish you had died at your birth. Interesting.

Once they had arrived at Larry's, John rotated the dial plate for a few times, mumbled something and hung up again. "Yeah, I'm good to stay here," he called.

"Okay, you boys brush your teeth and go to bed, I'll clean the car," Larry's mother replied.

As they stood in front of the sink brushing their teeth, Larry glanced over at John. He was obviously still drunk, even though he wasn't swaying anymore.
"Jawnny? H've I told ya, ya a really good friend?"
John sighed. "Yeah, I'm the best. Let's get you to bed now."

When they had made it to Larry's room, Larry reached for something hidden under his mattress. "Oh, come 'ere, gotta show ya somethin'."

John sat down next to him as his mate pulled out a magazine with a naked woman on the cover. "Sssshht," Larry giggled drunkenly, putting a finger on his lips.

John had actually planned on getting some sleep as he had to work a shift at the petrol station tomorrow but...sure, there was always time for a quick wank. Plus, magazines like this one were hard to come by when you were fifteen and living in the 60s, especially when you spend every night at a different mate's house.
He grinned. "So, rock, paper, scissors on who may go first? – Umm, alright, I see you've already chosen." John was about to get up from the bed to give his mate some privacy but was held back by Larry's hand on his arm.

"Sstay," Larry slurred.

John shrugged and sat back down. He wasn't exactly sober himself right now and besides, it felt strangely thrilling. They sat next to each other in the dim light, the magazine between them, and both had to tilt their head a little so they could look at the pictures at the same time.

After a short while, John noticed his gaze had left the pictures to linger on Larry's moving hand instead. He automatically turned his head to look back at the pictures, only to find his attention being drawn to his mate yet again. It wasn't like the pictures weren't interesting, Larry was just...more interesting. Probably because Larry was real and moving while these were just pictures for which he had to strain his neck in order to look at them.

So John just gave up on staring at the pictures since looking at Larry's hand seemed to work as well. A wave of hot excitement rippled through him and his gaze flickered up to Larry's face. He took in his mate's knitted brows, his half-closed eyes and the little creases forming on his forehead, all clear evidence of the pleasure he was experiencing right now.

John's breath hitched and he had to bite back a whine as his orgasm took him by complete surprise. Once it was over, he could instantly feel there was still enough need left in him to just keep going, so he did exactly that. His gaze remained transfixed on Larry's face.

Larry realized that John had just decided to keep going after coming for the first time, so he lifted his gaze off the magazine in order to grin at him. Their eyes met for a brief second before John looked down at the magazine, sensing that holding his mate's gaze would have crossed some sort of unspoken line.

He didn't really see any of the pictures though, he just stared down while focusing completely on Larry's breathing and the wet sounds the movements of his hand were creating.

John adjusted the pace of his hand to Larry's pace so that they were stroking themselves in synch. Bloody hell, Larry please come... John was determined to hold out so that they would climax at the same time but it was really hard with all the stimuli he was getting right now.

When they were finally coming, John was shivering all over, unable to hold back a whimper as his release shot all over his shirt. He was still shaking after it was over. As soon as he realized it, he blinked for a few times, trying to come down from his high.

Larry grinned. "Wow Johnny, you look like you just had real sex!"

Perfect timing to sober up, Larry. For a second there, John was torn between punching him and playing it down with some witty comment. He quickly decided on the latter.

"You should see me after real sex," he replied, returning Larry's grin.

"Ha-ha, whatever Johnny."

Larry reached for some tissues he kept inside his bedside table and they both wiped themselves clean. Then Larry took a look at John's shirt. "Alright, just grab one of my shirts and let's go to sleep, 'm bloody knackered." His speech started to get slurred again.

John didn't have to be told twice.

The last sound they heard that night was John's other wristband hitting the ground with a silent thud.

Chapter Text

John sat on Annie's bed, legs crossed, giving her an expectant look.

"Okay, show me what you got!" She tossed him her Game Boy.

The next hours were spent on trying to beat each other at a jump'n'run game until their thumbs were hurting.

Annie's mum brought them cookies and juice and she had already inflated an air mattress for John. John raised his eyebrows at Annie who laughed, explaining, "Well, I guess my mum's just really happy I finally found some friends. Maybe she even hopes you'll become my boyfriend if she gives you enough cookies..."

"She really must be thinking you're a lost cause if she'd be fine with you getting a bloke like me," John grinned.

Annie shrugged. "Well, at least you're allowed to sleep here..."

"...yup, video games aaall night," John replied, turning onto his stomach, eyes not leaving the Game Boy for even once.

"Oh my God Johnny, you're such an addict! You're worse than me..."

John didn't look up from the game. "Well, what can I say, I've got to make up for a few lost years, luv."

Annie rolled her eyes and tried to snatch the Game Boy out of John's hand.

"No, no, wait...okay... Boom, beat this!"

"Seriously, I want to do something else." When she saw the puppy eyes John was giving her, she added, "Okay, one last match."

John stretched out on the bed. "So, what do you wanna do instead?"

Annie walked over to her closet and pulled out something that looked like a game board. "This is a Ouija board," she explained. "Used for communication with the spirit world."

John looked at her like she had just lost her marbles.

"Don't worry, I don't really believe in that sort of stuff, I just thought it could be fun."

John sighed. "Alright, how does it work?"

"You usually need to say an incantation but I don't have a spell book. We can just put a glass on it though. No, stop looking at me like that, it'll be fun. We have to put our fingers on it and then the glass will move across the board and show us the spirit's answers."

John downed his glass of juice and put it down on the nightstand. "There you go."

After they had rinsed out the glass, they put it down on the Ouija board.

"Turn off the lights, Johnny. Oh, this is so exciting!"

John faked a cough to show her he wasn't sharing her excitement, but did as he was told anyways. They sat across from each other on Annie's bed, the Ouija board between them. The room was dark, they could barely make out the symbols and letters on the board. Both of them put a finger on the glass.

"I want to go first," Annie said. "Spirit, are you there?"

"Yes."

"Oh, shut up Johnny! ... Spirit are you with us? We have a few questions for you." She paused for a few seconds. "What is your name?"

Nothing happened. Annie tried a few more times and then...the glass started moving. She gasped as the glass moved across the board really slowly, starting to spell a word. Annies brows furrowed as she tried to read it. "P...I...S...Pistol?" The glass kept moving.

"S...O...F...F...What's that? Wait, 'Piss off'?!"

John took his finger off the glass, unable to hold back his laughter. "You...you should have seen your face, you nearly pissed yourself," he giggled.

"Johnny!" Annie tried to slap him but John quickly covered himself with a pillow. "No wonder no spirit wants to talk to you."

Annie switched the lights back on. Then she jumped up from the bed. "I have an idea! There's a pawnshop a few blocks from here, I think I've seen a spellbook there."

"Annie, it's ten at night, no pawnshop is..."

"The owner is my uncle." With that she turned around, grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. "Are you coming or what, Johnny?" She was already out the door when John got up.

"Bloody hell, Annie!" He ran after her.

Annie's uncle was surprised but he still opened up his shop for them. He had to be really fond of his niece, John thought.
They quickly found the book and went back home. Annie's uncle had even offered to give them a ride, reminding John once again how it felt like when people did give a damn about their children.

Once they were at Annie's again, she started skipping through the yellowed pages. The book looked really old, some of the pages were torn out and the writing was faded.

"Okay, listen up, Johnny. It says here, we need five red candles...oh, and we need to draw a pentagram. I'll get the candles, you draw the pentagram, here, draw it on this noteboard."

"What do you want me to draw it with?" John was still bored, even though not as badly as before.

"Umm, it says here, the lines need to be red. Just take the red lipstick my mum got me, it's not like I'll ever use it anyways."

John shrugged and started drawing.

Soon Annie returned with five red candles. "Great, now my mum thinks we're having a romantic evening."

John looked at the pentagram he had just finished drawing and then up at the candles, mockingly raising his eyebrows. "You wouldn't consider this a romantic evening luv?"

Annie snickered. "Alright, here we go. The book says to place the candles on the five points of the pentagram. Like this... So now we need to light them."

John had already flicked open his lighter.

This time, they sat down on the floor, the noteboard with the pentagram between them. They had switched off the lights again but thanks to the candles they could still make out the writing on the book's pages.

"Here's an incantation that we need to read out loud while holding hands," Annie explained.

"Now, if this isn't romantic to you, I don't know what is," John teased.

"Could you please be serious Johnny? I'm trying to set the mood here. – No, don't you dare comment on that one!"

John closed his mouth and grinned.

"Alright Mr. 'I chose Latin because French sounds so gay', read this out loud." Annie passed him the book.

John took a look at the text. He didn't understand anything except for a few obvious words that always could mean like seven different things depending on the context, like 'anima' and 'perdere'.

John took Annie's hands and started reading. Annie had to admit that she was quite impressed by her mate's acting skills. John's way of reading the incantation actually gave her goosebumps. He made it sound like he knew exactly what he was saying, like those nonsense words would have an actual purpose.

"...larva mala de profundis ascende!“ John ended.

Suddenly the candles seemed to burn brighter than before and there was something in the air that made both their hair stand on end. Annie shivered.

"Seems like we got ourselves a spirit, now ask your questions." He gave her a smug grin as he concentrated on keeping his hands from shaking.

"O-okay...are you...are you a good spirit?"

Suddenly, the glass that had still been sitting on the Ouija board on Annie's bed flew to the ground, shattering into pieces.

Annie screamed and tried to pull her hands away but John instinctively tightened his grip. "Don't let go," he said firmly.

"Johnny, end the ritual, quickly," Annie whispered. Her hands were sweaty and she desperately looked around the room.

John looked down at the book...and had to keep himself from cursing. The words to end the incantation were written on the next page. He exchanged a look with Annie who immediately understood. Before John could stop her, she let go of one of his hands, turned the page and quickly grabbed his hand again.

John watched the candles but nothing seemed to have changed. He quickly said the rest of the words and as soon as he stopped speaking, a rush of wind blew through the room, extinguishing the candles.

They sat in total darkness, reluctant to let go of each other's hands. After a few seconds, John pulled his hands away, finally allowing them to shake a little, now that Annie would no longer notice it.

He quickly turned the lights back on. "Alright, enough dabbling in the spirit world for today. Come on, let's clean this up." He gestured at the broken glass.

Annie gulped and went to get a handbrush.

"Oh my God Annie, are you alright?" her mother exclaimed. "Did he...?" John appeared behind her, looking just as pale as Annie.

"No we..."

"...watched a horror movie," John finished quickly.

Annie's mother gave them a concerned look. "Well, I hope you learned your lesson then."

"Oh yes, we did," Annie replied, her voice still a little shaky.

After cleaning up the mess, Annie sat down on her bed, her back against the wall, looking like she was trying to hide under her blanket.

John reached for Annie's Game Boy and flopped down on the air mattress.

"Seriously Johnny? After what we've just seen?"

John glanced up at her. There was no use in showing his friend he was just as shaken as she was. Besides, John Constantine didn't do afraid. Especially not in front of other people.

"Well, what did we see? A broken glass, very impressive, I've never seen one before."

Annie stared at him as John made a show of snuggling up under the blankets. Annie's mum had even put some sheets on the air mattress which was more than his father had ever done for him. He ignored the little sting that came with the thought. Instead, he concentrated on the softness of the sheets and pillows. It was actually quite comfortable, better than some actual beds he'd slept in.

John definitely did not flinch when they heard a knock on the door, belatedly realizing it was just Annie's mum. She slowly opened the door. "Alright, time to go to sleep, you've got school tomorrow." With that, she switched off the lights, ignoring Annie's protest.

For half a minute, both of them just lay there in the dark with wide-open eyes. Then John took a few deep breaths as he buried his head in the pillows, forcing himself to relax.

"Don't you dare fall asleep on me now, Johnny!" Annie threatened.

John chuckled. "What do you want me to do luv, hold you until you fall asleep?!"

"Umm...yes?"

John shrugged. "Alright then, come here." He wriggled out from under his blanket to crawl over into Annie's bed. Both of them immediately felt safer with each other at their side, even though John would have never admitted it, of course.

"Johnny?"

"Yes?"

"What do you think that was?"

John sighed. "I don't know, but whatever it might have been, it's no longer here."

A few blocks away three-year-old Freddie sat up in his bed. "You're a really pretty lady...why are you so white?"

"Come with me. I'll show you."

Chapter Text

The summer holidays had just started and almost all of John's classmates had gathered at the little lake just out of town to have a barbecue.

Naturally they had brought some booze (mostly John) and a few joints (only partly John).
One of them had also brought a radio-cassette recorder and someone else was plucking at their guitar while everyone was dancing and singing along.

When it was starting to get dark, they all sat around the fire, roasting sausages and marshmallows, and some of the girls had even prepared a salad which none of the guys were touching.

"Shut up Gary and let Johnny sing, he has a good voice," someone called from across the fire. "Shut up yourself," John sang back, maintaining the melody of the song.

"Alright, time for some truth or dare!" one of the girls called. "Who's in?"

Almost everyone raised their hands immediately. Gary needed a little nudge from Larry until he hesitantly lifted his hand as well.

They spun a bottle to determine who would start. It landed on Gary.
"Do I have to do anything?" Gary whispered.
"You have to choose someone and ask them if they wanna do truth or dare...seriously mate, did you live under a rock or something for the past few years?" Larry whispered back.
"Okay, I choose Larry! Truth or dare?"
Larry grinned. "Dare."
"Umm...eat some of that salad."
Larry rolled his eyes. "So boring." Garry fidgeted, relieved that at least people had stopped looking at him.
"So Annie," Larry said, swallowing his mouthful of salad. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth - no, dare, dare, that's more fun!"
"Take a swim in the lake."

Annie heaved a mock-sigh. "Seriously Larry? Alright, whatever."
Annie jumped in, giggling and splashing as the water was colder than she had expected.

The game went on for a few minutes. After some time someone picked Gary. "Truth or dare?"
"Dare," Gary replied because he'd seen his mates pick it.
"French kiss Johnny for ten seconds."
Gary blushed. "What's french kiss?"
"With tongue," both Larry and Annie replied with a giggle.
Gary's face turned an even deeper shade of red.

"Ten quid says he won't do it," someone from the crowd announced.

"Make it twenty, he's a coward," another guy joined in.

"Come on, do it Gary," John muttered under his breath, loud enough for his mate to hear, but Gary just kept staring at the ground.

John sighed. "Oh, bloody hell, you owe me for this one!" With that he leaned over and pressed his lips against Gary's, bringing one hand up to Gary's face. Gary held his breath and tensed but he didn't pull away, not even when John opened his mouth a little to make it look more realistic.

Their mates started cheering them on as John held up his other hand, forming a fist. Every two seconds he splayed out another finger as the other kids counted up to ten.

Their postures couldn't have been any more different. Gary looked completely frozen, his cheeks still a bright red, whereas John was absolutely relaxed. Everything about him screamed 'confidence' as he counted down the time, every extended finger accompanied by a flick of his wrist.

John was surprised that it felt like...well, like a kiss, not that different from kissing a girl – given it was a very awkward girl. Gary's lips were warm and he tasted like grilled marshmallows. Suddenly John felt Gary's tongue touch his own and he knew it wasn't because the bloke had just discovered his hidden feelings for him but because Gary thought their mates would actually know whether they would cheat at this. Innocent stupid Gary.

As John didn't really have a way of telling Gary, he just let it happen.

"Shit, hide the weed!"

John glanced over Gary's shoulder to see two police officers closing in on their group. His lips were still kind of touching Gary's and one of the officers gave him a disgusted look.

That look stirred something in John. He looked the officer right in the eye as he cupped Gary's face with both his hands, making it look like he was giving his mate the longest, filthiest kiss he was able to give. Surprisingly enough, Gary played right along. Again, John was sure it wasn't coming from a place of hidden feelings. It was more of a desperate attempt to fit in with the cool kids. Even though John couldn't remember since when this kind of thing was considered cool. Still, John really hadn't expected this to feel so...natural.

His musings were abruptly interrupted when he was yanked to his feet by one of the officers. "Looks like you've earned yourself a ride with us."

"I owe you twenty quid, Johnny!" someone called as he was lead up to the police car.

"Public nuisance Johnny? Bloody hell, what did you do?!" His sister Cheryl had come to get him the next day after showing the officers a faked note of their dad explaining he was busy working a shift and that he had sent Cheryl instead to collect her little brother. Working...their dad...great joke.

"Kissed a bloke," John replied.

Cheryl gave him an incredulous look. "Seriously Johnny, what did you do?"

John shrugged. "Already told you, kissed a bloke."

Cheryl knew her brother well enough to be able to tell when he was lying, at least most of the time. She raised her eyebrows and laughed. "I really hope it was worth it."

John grinned and nodded. "It was worth it. Twenty quid, to be exact."

Cheryl's eyes widened. "What? Johnny, you kissed a guy because he payed you?! That's..."

John chuckled. "Relax, the bloke I kissed wasn't the one paying me for it. We were playing truth or dare and someone bet me twenty quid I wouldn't kiss Gary. Easiest way I ever made twenty quid."

"Okay, that really does sound like you." Cheryl pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep herself from laughing. "...but they didn't arrest you because of one innocent kiss, did they?"

John smirked. "Well, maybe the kiss wasn't all that innocent, and maybe I stared right at the police officer while..."

Cheril snorted with laughter. "At the risk of repeating myself, that really does sound like you."

John's brows furrowed as a thought came to his mind. "Do you mind?" he asked hesitantly.

"Do I mind?!" Cheryl suddenly seemed angry and John's heart dropped. His sister was the only person in his life whose opinion actually mattered to him.

"Of course I mind, do you think I don't have anything better to do than collecting you from a detention cell for doing something this stupid?!"

"Alright, next time I'll make sure to get arrested for something that isn't stupid." John winked, causing Cheryl to roll her eyes.

Then he grew serious again. "No, but do you mind me...kissing blokes?"

Cheryl shrugged. "As long as you don't get arrested – wait, and given that you don't get payed for it. If it isn't a bet, I mean. Why are you asking anyways?"

"Umm," John stared at the ground, "isn't that kinda obvious?"

Cheryl needed a moment before she understood what John was trying to hint at. Then she burst into laughter. "Johnny, look at me, you are not gay. I've seen how you act around girls since you were ten and I can tell you, you're not gay. Four words, Alisha Eversteen, last summer. So don't try telling me you're not into girls."

John put his hands in his pockets. "I'm not saying that I'm not into girls. It's rather...I don't know, one day I feel one thing and the next day I feel another."

"That's called puberty, Johnny. You will decide eventually. And whatever it's gonna be, you'll still be my little brother."

"But what if I...won't decide? Can that happen?"

Cheryl shrugged. "I don't know, but in any case my pieces of advise will be the same: be a decent person, don't do anything you don't want to do – which should be quite easy for you –, don't get arrested, use condoms and...try not to break too many hearts." She smiled, making John's heart feel so much lighter all at once.

Chapter Text

That same summer John fell in love with a guy for the very first time. He was from another school, about John's age, and they'd met at one of the lake parties.

John couldn't quite place it at first, he just knew that he felt drawn to him. The feeling seemed mutual as they just kept "randomly" bumping into each other throughout the entire evening.

John grabbed a hot dog bun and turned around to get a grilled corn-on-the-cob. As he reached for the tongs, his hand unexpectedly brushed against another hand and he looked up.

It was that other guy. The boy immediately pulled his hand back, trying to give John his space, which caused the sausage to roll off his plate.

John caught it with his hand. For a moment, he just stood there, awkwardly holding out the sausage, which was hilarious in hindsight.

"Umm, do you still want that, mate?"

"What? Uh, yes." The boy held out his plate and John put the sausage down on it.

"So you're here for the first time, aren't you? I'm Johnny, by the way." John tried to sound as casual as possible.

"Ian." The other boy smiled and quickly looked away.

"Well, hello Ian. You know anyone around here?"

Ian nodded over to a group of girls. "They're from my school, I came here with them."

John took a quick glance at the girls, his gaze immediately returning to Ian. "Oh, lucky you." He grinned.

Ian just shrugged. "So, who are your mates?"

John looked over at his group of friends where Larry was currently having a contest with Brian on who could fit more marshmallows into their mouth while Annie and Gary were cheering them on. "Umm, nevermind. Wanna see a cool place?"

"Sure."

John grabbed his plate and a bottle of coke mixed with vodka and turned around. "Follow me then."

They walked around the lake and up a little hill, until they reached the edge of the woods. For some reason, John felt really nervous but he had no idea why. He just knew that he really wanted Ian to like him and that he didn't want to screw it up, whatever this was.

Ian cleared his throat. "Umm, where are we going?" He looked back and realized they had walked quite a bit.

John chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kidnap you, mate! Look, up on that tree is a tree house. I've no idea who it belongs to but it has quite the great view on the lake. Come on!"

They climbed up the ladder, carefully balancing their plates. Once they had made it up, Ian had to admit that John was right. The view was indeed amazing. They could watch all the other kids from here but no one could see them. They sat down next to each other and gazed at the lake.

"Oh, look at that," John pointed over, "see that guy who just got slapped by one of your girls for trying to kiss her? That's my mate Larry!"

Ian laughed and looked down at his plate. He realized that he had obviously forgotten to take a hot dog bun whereas John had forgotten to take a sausage.

Before he could say anything, John dropped down the bun on Ian's plate.

Ian hesitated. "We can share but...we haven't brought a knife."

"You already feared I was going to kidnap you, so be glad I didn't bring one," John deadpanned.

Ian laughed at his joke and somehow it made John's heart beat a little faster. He tried to ignore it.

When Ian still couldn't seem to decide on what to do, John rolled his eyes, giving him an amused look. "Just eat it mate...or eat half of it if you insist on sharing."

"So," John said, swallowing the last bite of the hot dog, "how 'bout some 'did you ever'?" He held up the bottle they'd taken with them. "It's like 'never have I ever' but you can also ask things you have already done yourself without having to take a drink or having to reveal whether you have actually done them or not."

"Sounds good," Ian replied but John could sense that he was somewhat nervous.

"You start then," John replied, giving him an encouraging smile. He supposed Ian would be more comfortable if he could ask the first question. As adorable as his nervousness was, John wanted the other boy to be relaxed around him.

"Umm," Ian looked John up and down as he tried to think of a question.

Somehow his gaze was feeling so intense that it made John's cheeks burn, but maybe this was just because Ian's eyes were such a piercing blue.

"Did you ever get arrested for anything?" Ian asked after a short pause.

"Yes," John replied, reaching for the bottle, somehow glad he got to take a sip. "And you?"

"Nope. Great, it's my turn again! So what did you get arrested for?"

John shook his head and grinned. "No, that's not how the game works. You have to try and figure it out some other way."

Ian gave a mock-sigh. "Did you ever get arrested for...stealing anything?"

"Done that but never got caught." John smirked. "Forgive me for asking you the same thing yet again but I just gotta know. Did you ever steal anything?"

Ian grinned and took a sip. "I once walked into a shop and grabbed one of those little flower seed bags. We had a bet going on and I was so proud of myself...until the girls told me it was for free."

John burst into laughter. "You managed to steal the one thing in that entire shop that was for free?!"

Ian nodded as he laughed as well.

"Alright Johnny, did you ever get arrested for being drunk or for anything you did because you were drunk?"

"Ha-ha, that's a clever question. But no."

"Okay, I give up, please just tell me."

John pulled a knee up to his chest. "I got arrested for kissing a bloke while looking at a police officer."

Ian's eyes went wide and he couldn't help but stare at John's lips. John shrugged. "So what? At least the others could hide the weed and booze in the meantime."

The silence stretched and John realized that Ian was still staring at his lips. Strangely enough, his lips instantly started to tingle but not at all in an unpleasant way. John swallowed and took a deep breath before he asked the next question. "Did you ever...kiss a bloke?" John had just planned on teasing Ian, and maybe he also wanted to hide the fact that his bloody brain just didn't seem capable of coming up with any questions of his own right now. However, it came out completely serious.

"No." Ian absently took a sip, not realizing that his answer actually didn't require him to drink. Then he looked right into John's eyes and John had to admit that the feeling in his stomach definitely felt like butterflies. Huh.

"Do you want to?" Strange butterfly-feeling or not, he was still John Constantine and bold was practically his middle name. At this point, John wasn't really sure if he was saying it to keep teasing Ian for looking at him like that or just because Ian was looking at him like that...like he would truly want to try it.

A slight blush crept up Ian's cheeks but he still didn't look away. "... Yes." It was barely a whisper.

The butterflies had a party in John's stomach as he leaned over and gently brushed his lips against Ian's. Ian's lips instantly responded. Their kiss was slow and gentle as they were giving each other time to get used to the feeling. After a few long seconds they both abruptly pulled away, giving each other identical looks of 'Oh shit, I can't believe we just did that', followed by an equally non-verbal question of 'What now?'.

John realized that this was the moment that would decide everything between them. They could both pretend that the last couple of seconds had never happend, they could walk away and never see each other again or...

"I liked that," John said. Three plain and simple words, disarmingly honest and leaving no room for interpretation. John had uttered them without thinking, afraid that the moment might pass or that one of them might say something he didn't mean just because he felt threatened by the awkward silence. But now that he thought about it, he realized those words to be true. Like utterly, fundamentally true. He had just kissed a bloke and he had liked it. For about five seconds, John wondered what that meant for him and how he should feel about it. And then he decided that it just meant he wanted to kiss Ian, who was really cute. Anything else would be figured out along the way.

Ian smiled. "Me too," he whispered. "I...I would like to do that again."

Something shot down John's spine as he listened to Ian's words. He had no idea whether this were butterflies, desire or just plain adrenaline. All he knew was that he wanted to kiss that boy again...right now. John gently put a hand against Ian's face, bringing their bodies closer together. Then he leaned in and they had their second kiss. Ian opened his mouth and their tongues brushed against each other. If John had needed any more confirmation that he truly liked kissing this boy, he got it right here. His lips melted into the touch without him even thinking about it and suddenly, he had a strange realization that his body wasn't confusing Ian's body with that of a girl (which was especially weird because the thought had never consciously crossed his mind in the first place). Every fiber of his body was aware that Ian was a boy. He wasn't into him because he saw something feminine in him, this wasn't like he liked girls with a broad tolerance range regarding who passed as feminine. He simply liked him as a boy. Huh.

John was vagely aware that his current feelings were different from what most other boys were experiencing, but before he could think about it any more, he had already lost interest in it again. He didn't feel like most boys (or girls) his age anyways, starting with all of them having an actual home where they felt safe and loved most of the time. Had growing up without a mother and with that sorry excuse of a father caused him to develop this kind of split sexual orientation? Well, it didn't matter, at least he didn't need to harm anyone in order to make himself feel good like that.

Ian interrupted his thoughts by putting an arm around him to pull him even closer as he deepened their kiss. When they finally had to pull away for air, both of them were panting...and hard, John noticed.

Ian gave him a shy smile. "I wasn't sure you were into..."

John shrugged. "Me neither."

"Wait, but you said...?"

"We were playing truth or dare."

"Oh..."

Suddenly they heard female voices in the distance. "Ian? Where are you? Iaaaan?"
"Alright, time to go." John got up to his feet.

Ian looked so disappointed it made John smile. "Tomorrow evening, 8 o'clock, same spot?"

Ian's face instantly lit up.

The next day, both of them were at the tree house at 7:00.

Chapter Text

"Alright Johnny, who is it?"

It was Monday and they were sitting at their usual spot beneath the oak.

"What?"

"You can't stop smiling and you barely eat, so you're either in love or you've started doing drugs, and I really hope it's the first." Annie winked at him.

Shit, was it really that obvious?

"Don't worry luv, I'm as clean as a whistle," John replied smoothly.

Larry patted him on the shoulder. "Good job Johnny, so who is it?"

John sighed inwardly. "Remember last week's party?"

"Yeah, I got slapped by one of the new girls. Wait...no way, you lucky bastard! What's her name?"

John took a deep breath. "Umm, it's actually a bloke, his name is Ian." Then he forced himself to look up at his friends. "Anyone who has a problem with that is free to leave."

None of them got up. Larry gave him an uncertain smile. "Are you serious or are you just trying to wind us up here?"

"No mate, I'm serious."

"Umm, okay whatever." Larry shrugged, clearly not knowing what else to say. A part of him was obviously still convinced that John was just making it up so he could have a good laugh about them later.

"Well, I actually also met someone at that party," Brian mumbled. "A girl," he added quickly, "but she hasn't called me back since."

"You call her back then," Annie replied. "So, you're together, Johnny?"

John nodded, not able to hide his smile.

Then the school bell rang, marking the end of the break.

"Come on then Johnny, time to flunk another Latin vocab test." Larry pulled John up to his feet.

"We're writing one today?!" John ducked and laughed as Larry tried to smack him upside the head.

Gary stared at them. How was it possible that Johnny could admit to dating a guy and still be so much cooler than him?

John went home with Brian that day as they had to give a presentation on World War II the next day.

Their friendship might have seemed like an unlikely one at first glance with John always being so extrovert whereas Brian was rather quiet, often keeping his thoughts to himself rather than sharing them with the group.

They had known each other since kindergarten and both of them had come to find that being mates was mutually beneficial. Brian would prepare their presentations by reading through all the books he could find in the library and writing down a ton of facts. He would then brief John and hand him the cue cards. John would browse through them and basically figure out what to say while giving the presentation. He would always crack a few jokes until everybody, including Brian, was laughing and relaxed, and not even the teachers would notice that John was sometimes confusing a fact or two because of how confident he was sounding. The only one who'd pick up on it would be Brian but, of course, he'd never point it out in front of the class.

In case the teachers required Brian to speak at least a little bit during their presentation, John would always initiate a conversation between the two of them so that Brian could concentrate on him rather than having to talk to the whole class.

"Johnny, could you at least stop murdering my guitar while I'm reading this?" Brian looked up from one of the many books they had borrowed from the library.

John kept plucking at the strings, fruitlessly trying to coax a melody from the instrument, causing Brian to roll his eyes. "At least go to the other room, would you?"

Brian's parents were really rich (well, actually they were just a bit better off than the parents of John's other classmates but to John, it definitely felt that way), so Brian had the whole upper floor to himself most of the time.

Finally John put a hand on the strings, abruptly muting them. "Well, could you teach me? To play it properly I mean?"

Brian sighed. "Not now Johnny..."

John put down the guitar to play with Brian's dog Lucy, a sweet border collie mix, instead. "So, are you going to call her?" he asked after a while.

"Huh?" Brian looked up from his notes, clearly not having any clue what his mate was talking about.

Now it was John's turn to roll his eyes. "The girl Brian, the one you told us you met at the party?!"

"Oh, yes, the girl. I, umm, I really don't know. I mean, what would we even do on our first date? What would you...nevermind." Brian abruptly stopped speaking and looked away.

John ignored it. "Look mate, you can play the guitar, you're good-looking, you have money and you have a dog," he pointedly scratched Lucy's belly, "I really don't know what else you could possibly want to have in order to get this girl to like you."

Brian didn't react and just kept looking at his notes.

After about another hour, during which John had hummed about every song that had come to his mind and played a board game by himself, he snapped his fingers to get Brian's attention. "Do you want to see something cool?"

Brian sighed and nodded to get it over with, so he could concentrate on preparing their presentation.

John pulled out a coin. "Can you keep a secret?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "Johnny, either you show me or you let me work on this..."

"I mean it, mate. Promise me not to tell anyone, alright?"

"Alright."

"Heads or tails, Brian?"

"Umm, tails."

John flipped the coin. It showed tails.

"Great, what did I win?" Brian asked without any real enthusiasm.

John just lifted his hand, signaling him to wait. He tossed the coin again. And again. It kept showing tails. John grinned.

"Huh! Can you make it show heads?"

John flipped the coin once more and it showed heads. Brian laughed. "That's a neat trick, Johnny. Remind me never to let you do the coin toss when we're deciding anything." He looked back at his notes.

For a moment, John's ego battled with his sense of reason. Of course, reason lost.

He tossed the coin over to Brian. "You flip it, mate. Heads or tails?"

Brian gave him a surprised look and took the coin. "Tails." Then he waited for John to give him any further instructions.

John slightly shook his head, focusing on the coin. "Just toss it mate."

It showed tails.

Brian chuckled. "You got lucky there, it was 50/50."

John gave him a smug grin. "Do it again."

Brian flipped it for another five times. The coin kept showing tails.

Brian looked at John with a mixture of fascination and disbelief. "How do you do that?!"

John shrugged. "Don't know, I just wish for it."

Brian took the coin and flipped it again, focusing on wishing for tails really hard. It showed heads. He stared at John.

To John's relief, his mate seemed rather fascinated than scared.

"Alright Johnny," Brian pushed his books away, the presentation all but forgotten. He balanced the coin on its edge. "Try to push it over."

John lifted his finger, giving his mate a questioning look.

"No, no, try it with your mind."

John chuckled but then he started focusing. He intensely stared at the coin for a whole minute but nothing happened. He shrugged.

"Umm, for how long have you been able to do this?" Brian asked.

John stretched. "I don't know...pretty much all my life, I guess. I thought everybody could do it until I was about twelve."

"You thought that...?!" Brian laughed.

"Remember, you promised not to tell anyone. I only showed this to you because you're good at keeping secrets, so don't disappoint me here, mate."

Brian nodded quickly. Then his gaze travelled over to the board game John had been playing by himself earlier. He picked up a die. "Give me a six, Johnny." He rolled the die. It showed a six.

He gave his friend a wide-eyed stare and swallowed. "Johnny?...Give me a 1, 2, 3 and 6 in that order."

He rolled the die four times and it showed the exact numbers. "Bloody hell!" Brian exclaimed. "Do you know what the odds for this are? Whatever, me neither, but Annie could probably tell us and I bet you, they're bloody low. Do you know what that means, Johnny?"

"That I can cheat at board games?" John grinned, flattered by his mate's excitement.

"No Johnny, it means...that you can manipulate the odds, control fate. Do you have any idea how cool this is?!"

John reached for the die at the same time as Brian and their hands touched. Brian flinched and pulled his hand back like John's touch had just burnt him.

At exactly that moment, John realized two things. First, his mate, who he'd known since kindergarten and who didn't have a problem with him inexplicably being able to manipulate a die roll, had flinched just because their hands had touched. Second, he could control fate. His father had once told him that the doctors had predicted the odds of his mother surviving childbirth to be 50/50 and he could beat a 1/6 chance five times in a row.

John felt like he might both throw up and start crying very soon, and he definitely didn't feel like doing either in front of Brian. Without another word he jumped to his feet, ran down the stairs and out of the house, slamming the door behind him as hard as he could.

John kept running until his lungs were hurting. It was times like these when he missed having an actual home the most. He could have gone to his room and locked himself inside to have his own private little meltdown without anyone bothering him. However, the door to his room back at his father's house didn't even have a doorhandle anymore, as his father had just punched it out in a fit of drunken rage.

Right under a bridge his legs gave out and he had to sit down on the dusty ground. He was shaking all over and his heart was pounding against his chest. John buried his head in his hands. He could have saved his mum – and his twin brother. His father would never have become the abusive dunkard that he was. Cheryl's life would have been so much better. They could have invited their mates over to have a picnic in the garden instead of always having to find new excuses why none of their friends could come to visit them. He could have changed all of it as easy as making a coin show heads. But he hadn't.

A broken cry escaped him.

"Looks like your day is even worse than mine, mate."

John looked up. He hadn't noticed the homeless man who was sitting just a few feet away from him on a dirty mattress. Great, he couldn't even get his privacy when he was sitting under a bloody bridge. John was still too exhausted to get up again and frankly, he didn't care if that man would do anything to him at that point. It wasn't like he wouldn't deserve it anyways.

"Do you smoke?" The man held out a cigarette to him.

John took it. "I do now." He lit it with the lighter he always carried around because he thought it to look cool. John coughed and almost threw up, but at least it helped him think about something else.

"Wanna talk about it?" The man's voice was raspy, like he hadn't used it in a long time.

John shook his head.

And so they sat in silence as John smoked.

"Oh man, what I wouldn't give for a bottle of fine whisky right now," the homeless man said. John agreed, even though he'd never tasted whisky in his life. Vodka was just cheeper.

He watched several people passing by the bridge and noticed that none of the people would look at the two of them. Like they didn't even exist.

John had no idea how long he had sat there. After some time, the man offered him a second fag and John took it as well. It made his lungs burn and tasted like shit, but it also made him feel a little lightheaded which he liked.

John looked at the people who walked by without batting an eye, and then back at the homeless man. "Life is shit," he mumbled.

The homeless man chuckled. "What you don't say, boy."

John seriously considered sleeping under that bridge that night when suddenly a dog came running up to him. It was Lucy.

"Good girl, you found him!" Brian exclaimed while his dog tried licking John's face. "Johnny, I've been the most terrible friend in the world and I can't tell you how sorry I am." Brian stared down at the ground until he forced himself to make eye contact with his mate. "Would you please come home with me?" He extended his hand.

John looked up at him without taking it.

"Well, looks like there's still someone out there who gives a damn about you, mate. You should be glad," the homeless man said.

John looked at the man and then up at his friend once more. Then he took Brian's hand and let Brian pull him to his feet.

"Alright, let's get you home Johnny. You must be starving."

John slightly shook his head but started walking anyways. He knew his friend well enough to be certain that Brian was talking about his home instead of John's, otherwise he never would have gotten up.

John didn't utter a single word as they walked back to Brian's house. He just stopped briefly when they passed by a liquor store.

"Oh no Johnny, don't even think about it!" Brian pulled him forward. He couldn't know that John had been thinking about something else.

John decided it could wait until the next day, so he kept walking.

They quietly entered the house and walked up the stairs to the upper floor which they basically had to themselves.

"I just need to be alone, okay?" John mumbled. Before Brian could answer, John went to the bathroom and locked himself inside.

He slid down the wall until he was sitting on the cold floor. Silent tears started running down his cheeks as grief and a feeling of deep regret burnt within his guts. It was almost like he'd lost them all over again. An hour passed. Then two. His hands had started shaking again and he felt a rising urge to hit his head against the tiles. When he was just about to do it, he was interrupted by Brian's voice.

"Johnny? Sorry, but I really gotta use the loo, so could you please come out?"

John wiped his tears away and got up from the floor. He unlocked the door and silently went to Brian's room to settle down on the couch instead. When Brian returned, he sat down on his bed across from his mate.

"I could have saved them," John whispered tonelessly.

Brian was the only one of John's friends who knew how exactly John's mother had died and what it had done to his father. He could almost physically feel his friend's pain right now.

"You weren't even born then," Brian whispered back.

"And I never should have been," John replied so quietly that Brian almost didn't catch it. Brian hesitated for a moment, then he walked over to the couch and pulled John into a tight and completely unexpected hug. John accepted the hug for two whole seconds until he pushed Brian away, and Brian hadn't expected anything else from him.

Ever since John had been a little child, he'd freely hugged people of all ages and genders but he had always pulled away as soon as anyone had tried to comfort him whenever he'd been hurt or sad.

Before John could make one of his snarky comments, Brian started speaking. "You know, I've been thinking that maybe..." He hesitated.

"Maybe what?" John asked and Brian could sense that his mate was already putting up his walls again.

"Did you ever consider that you might be able to do these things because you lost so much? Like the universe is trying to give you something back?"

John laughed. There was absolutely no joy in it. "Well, half my family is dead because of me and the other half's lives are bloody miserable, but I can cheat at board games. Yeah, I'd say that really makes up for it."

Brian bit his lip. "I just wanted to say that maybe...you didn't even have these powers back then."

"Powers?" John scoffed.

"Well, you can't deny it's something that makes you special," Brian replied calmly.

"I'm already special." John gave him a smug grin, making the expression of pain disappear from his face, which was exactly what Brian had been hoping for.

"Speaking of..." John turned his head and looked Brian right in the eye. "Are we good, mate?"

Brian nodded. "I...I just didn't want you to think that...whatever, I'm sorry, Johnny." He fidgeted and, after a short pause, he continued speaking. "Forgive me, I still need some time to get used to this, I mean, we've known each other for so long and...look, I don't want things to be different between us, yet I can't help but wonder if they are. Or if they have always been and I just didn't realize it. It's like I just got to know a new person."

"Oh, don't even get your hopes up," John scoffed. "I'm still that same arrogant bastard who takes credit for your work and gets you into trouble. But seriously, it might become some more trouble and I apologize in advance. I really don't expect you to stand up for me if you aren't comfortable with it. This is my problem, not yours."

Brian breathed a sigh of relief. Then he bit his lip. "May I ask you something?"

"Sure," John replied. He'd rather know everything that was going through his friend's head than having him piece together his own answers.

"Umm, how much of it was real? Your hobbies, the things you like, when you gave your opinion on something...how much of it was actually you?"

John's lips twitched. "All of it. That was all me."

Brian raised his eyebrows. "Well, of course except for...?"

John shook his head. "No. It was all real."

"Just to be sure, we're talking about you dating all those girls here and us discussing who we're finding hot...?"

"Yes, I'm aware. And I'm telling you, it was all real."

Brian shot him an incredulous look. "But...if you actually enjoyed dating those girls, what does that mean? Is there such a thing as half gay?"

John laughed. "I have no idea mate, but I like the word."

On the next day, John went to the petrol station he worked at and bought the most expensive bottle of whisky he could afford. Then he made his way to the bridge where he'd met the homeless man the other day. Next to the bridge stood a large black car and someone had put up some tape.

"What happened?" John asked a young woman who was just about to enter the car.

She turned around. "There's nothing for you to see here boy, just keep walking." When she saw the expression of shock on John's face, she added, "Don't worry dear, it was just some dosser."

No matter how tightly John wrapped his leather jacket around himself on his way back, it just couldn't keep him from shivering.

Chapter Text

They had been dating for two months and by now, John had regular sleepovers at Ian's.

"John, come on in," Ian's mother greeted him. "I'm really glad Ian finally found himself a male friend, you know, he usually just hangs out with the girls. They're such nice girls but he never dates any of them." She shrugged.

"Umm, yeah, it's really nice that we've become friends," John replied, giving an inward sigh.

"Johnny!" Ian came running down the stairs. He stopped right in front of him and there was an awkward moment when they both wanted to hug each other but had to opt for a handshake and a pat on the back instead.

As soon as they were up in Ian's room and the door was locked behind them they were in each other's arms, kissing like they hadn't seen each other in weeks.

"I missed you Johnny!" Ian murmured against John's neck.

"You just saw me twelve hours ago."

"I know."

They both chuckled.

"Ian, me and your dad are going to that Italian restaurant after we watched a movie at the cinema, it's going to get late, don't wait up for us."

"Alright, have fun!" Ian called back.

"You too, boys!"

Ian flopped down on the bed, giving John a mischievous grin. "Looks like we got the house all to ourselves this evening... Remember what we talked about on the phone last night?"

John returned his grin and he could feel his breath come a little faster at the mere thought of their previous conversation. "How could I ever forget that?! So, what you said then...you really meant that?" The last bit was almost a whisper.

"Johnny, I'm dying to do this with you, I've got everything we need." Ian nodded over to his bedside table.

John looked around the room, suddenly a little nervous, but of course, he didn't let it show. "Umm, do you want me to get some candles or anything?"
Ian laughed. "No Johnny, I could never be relaxed if I feared the house might burn down at any second. I just want...you."

A pleasant shudder rippled through John's body.

After some more kissing, Ian started to take off John's leather jacket which was quickly followed by the rest of their clothes. John ran a hand over Ian's naked chest, marveling how different this was from being with a girl. His first time with a girl had been at thirteen, she had been a little older than him, and he had loved her very much at the time.

He had liked it a lot. And he would also like this a lot, he was sure of it.

Ian fetched a towel, folded it and put it down on his bed as John put on a condom. They were both incredibly excited.

Ian lay down on his side while John was spooning him. They kissed and teased until John squeezed some lube on his fingers and let his hand travel down between Ian's legs. He slowly circled his boyfriend's entrance for a few times until he gently pushed in to the first knuckle.

Ian winced and tensed, instantly pulling away so that John's finger slipped out. Nope, this was not going to happen, not now nor any time soon, Ian just knew it.

It took John one look at his boyfriend's face to know it as well. He quickly pulled the blanket over both of them, whispering, " 'tis alright, mate."

"No, it's not," Ian replied and John could hear how disappointed he was in himself. "I really wanted to do this with you but...I just realized that I can't, I'm so sorry!" Ian hid his face in his pillow as he started to sniffle.

"Oh no, no crying, come 'ere." John pulled him close, gently kissing his neck.

Ian avoided his gaze. "I told you I was ready and you were so happy and excited and now...now I disappoint you like this."

John's head jerked up. "What?! Why would you even think that? I never said we had to do it like that. Look, we can just try it the other way around, or not do it at all if you don't feel up to it..."

Ian lifted his head from the pillow and stared at John like he'd just grown a set of horns.

"What is it?" John returned his gaze, looking mildly surprised.

"You would...? Really?"

John took a short moment to check in with himself. Then he shrugged. "Yeah, I'd have a try."

Ian raised his eyebrows. "You just decided this on a whim? Seriously?!"

John gave him a smug grin.

"Huh, and I always thought you were the straight part of our relationship."

John snorted. "The straight part? I just tried buggerin' a bloke, mate!"

Ian sat up and crossed his legs. "You know what I mean. You...act straight. Are you really sure you'd be okay with that?"

"Only one way to find out, I suppose," John replied, the smug grin still lingering on his lips.

"Right now?"

"Well, some foreplay would be nice of course..."

Ian chuckled.

A few minutes later, John was lying on his stomach, his hips propped up on a pillow. He wished he'd have been a little less sober but there was nothing he could do about it now. Ian had put on a condom and tried his best to get John as relaxed as possible.

"You still really want to do this Johnny?" Ian asked hesitantly.

John nodded. "But wait, I need..."

"More lube?"

"...some cool music."

"Oh. Well, here you go!"

Ian put in the cassette tape they had decided on and got back on the bed. They went really slow, taking all the time in the world (and a lot of lube). John didn't hesitate to squeeze his boyfriend's hand with his own as soon as anything didn't feel right, allowing Ian to know exactly how far he could go.

They ended up having a really good time (and a very wet towel, oops) and fell asleep extremely happy but absolutely exhausted.

John had learned quite a few interesting things about his body that day.

Chapter Text

"Johnny, you've been seeing this bloke for two and a half months now, don't you think it's time to introduce him to us?" Annie asked for the fifth time that day.

John heaved a mock sigh. "Alright, alright, whatever, I'll bring him over on Saturday when we're all watching movies at Larry's. You're good with that Larry?"

Larry shrugged. "Sure. I was starting to believe you just made him up but I know better than to bet against you..."

John grinned.

Ian stared down at his feet, hiding his hands in his pockets. "But what if they won't like me Johnny?"

John rolled his eyes. "They will, otherwise I'll make them like you. Now stop fidgeting." He knocked at the door.

"Hi there you two!" Annie greeted them with a big smile. "You must be Ian..."

"Alright then Ian, these are Annie, Larry, Brian and Gary."

Ian blushed as the four of them blatantly stared at him.

John gave Brian, who was standing closest to him, a gentle nudge. "Less starin', more walkin'."

Larry's parents had gone away for the weekend, so they had the whole house to themselves. They had rented some movies at the video store (or rather: Gary's brother had, since he was already old enough to get them the good stuff) and Larry had ordered pizza for all of them.

After the usual chitchat they gathered in front of the TV and watched the first horror movie. They laughed and yelled at the protagonists for being so stupid, and they all had a lot of fun.

Ian wanted to snuggle up against John like he would have usually done, but he didn't dare to with his boyfriend's mates around. So every time he caught himself moving closer, he shifted away again. At one point, John simply put his arm around him without even looking away from the TV.

Ian froze. He looked over at the others, half expecting them to make some snarky comments. They all unsuccessfully tried to hide their glances but nobody said anything. After a few minutes, everyone's attention had turned back to the TV and Ian started to relax, allowing himself to shift into a more comfortable position.

"Alright, there's some ice cream in the freezer, someone go get it while I'll get the bowls." Larry got up to head for the kitchen.

The rest stared at each other. The freezer was in the cellar and the lights didn't work.

John sighed and got up. At the door he turned around. "You know what to do if I don't return?"

"Stay together and accept that you're gone."

"That's my girl, Annie!" John pushed his index finger in the air as he turned around to head for the cellar. The others snickered.

Larry was back at the living room before John had returned. He glanced at Ian. "So Ian, be honest with me, is John screwing with us?"

Ian needed a moment to understand what Larry meant by that. Then he tried to mirror John's smug grin, replying, "No because...well, he's actually screwing me – or rather the other way around."

Larry's jaw dropped and they all stared at Ian.

John returned with the ice cream and everyone (except for Ian) turned around to stare at John instead like they had just seen a ghost.

"What? It's me! Or do you think it's some evil spirit possessing my body?" When none of his mates anwered, John pointedly ignored their stares and concentrated on opening the ice cream package.

A few hours later

One by one, his mates headed home. John was staying at Larry's as he really didn't want to overstay his welcome at Ian's nor did he want Ian's parents to wonder why he was spending so many nights there.

As he kissed Ian goodbye, he could feel Larry's gaze lingering on him. Once the door was closed, he turned around and sighed. "What is it mate?"

"Nothing, I'm just trying to determine whether you're faking it," Larry replied honestly.

John frowned.

"Is it another bet? Did you pay him to say that part about him screwing you?"

"He said what now?! … Well, did he mention whether he likes it?"

"No Johnny, he did not mention that." Larry looked at the ground and then up at John. "So...you're really not faking this?" The tone of his mate's voice wasn't hostile, just curious and it made John laugh.

"Why would I fake something like this? Why do you keep thinking that?!"

Larry started to collect the used plates so that he didn't have to look John in the eye. "I don't know, you just always seemed so...straight. May I ask you something?"

John grabbed the leftover pieces of pizza and wrapped them in cling film to put them in the fridge. "You're already asking me something, so just go ahead," he called over to the living room.

Larry appeared in the doorframe. "Did you ever...have a crush on me?" he asked softly.

John chuckled. "Well mate, you having a wank right next to me was admittedly quite stimulating but other than that...no. Are you disappointed now?"

Larry shook his head, rolling his eyes.

Neither of them said a word for a few moments until Larry was no longer able to contain his curiosity. "You know, I really couldn't picture you with a bloke before, but now that I've seen the two of you interact...I don't know, it's just really interesting to watch. You treat him just like you'd treat a girlfriend."

John frowned and was already about to make a sarcastic comment, but he stopped himself. He was actually glad about Larry always wearing his heart on his sleeve and he would pick curiosity over hidden resentment any day.

"No, really Johnny, it's why I kept wondering whether you were faking it...but I guess you're just doing it subconsciously."

John closed the fridge and turned around. "What on earth makes you think I'm subconsciously treating him like a girlfriend?"

Larry shrugged. "Well, you hold his hand and you put your arm around him while we were watching movies. I mean, come on, he's clearly the girl in your relationship and no matter what he said earlier, you can't convince me otherwise."

John just gave his mate a blank stare.

"Hey, I'm not judging here," Larry quickly held his hands up in defense. Then he hesitated. "Umm, may I ask you something else?"

John sighed and waited for his mate's next question. "... Yes Larry?!" He gave him an impatient look when his friend didn't ask right away.

Larry cleared his throat. "Does...does it feel different with a guy?"

"Yes."

"Better or worse?"

"Different, Larry! Do you wanna know the details?"

"Bloody hell, no!"

"Thought so."

When they were ready to go to sleep, John hesitated.

Larry sat back up in his bed. "What is it Johnny? You think I'll set up an air mattress at two o'clock in the morning just because you're sleeping with a bloke? Get in here."

John smiled and crawled in next to Larry like he'd done a hundred times before.

"Alright, give me all the details Johnny!" Annie gave him an expectant look. "How does it even work when it's two blokes?"

John bounced his rubber ball against the wall and caught it in his hand. "Well, with a lot of patience...and a lot of lube." He winked.

Annie raised her eyebrows. "You mean...?" She clasped a hand over her mouth. "Gods, didn't that hurt like hell?!"

"Not when you do it right luv." John gave her a smug grin. When he saw the expression of shock on her face, he had to laugh. "How did you think it would work?!"

Annie shrugged and laughed as well. Once she had stopped laughing, she gave John a long look. "Oh boy, you must really love Ian to do something like that for him – I know I don't say this very often, but right now I'm just so glad that I'm a girl because it means I won't ever have to do that in my life!"

John chuckled lowly. "You really make it sound like it's a sacrifice."

Annie stared at him. "Well, I thought it was?!"

John didn't comment and just kept grinning.

Four months later

"So, you're back to dating girls Johnny? Seriously, I was just getting used to you being...well, liking boys." Larry stretched and reached for the peanut flips.

"His parents moved to another town and my life went on, what can I say mate?"

"It's so strange to see you with a girl again...but I knew it!" Larry beamed at him.

"Knew what?"

"That you'd go back to dating girls."

Another two months later

"Seriously Johnny, are you kidding me? You're just not able to decide, are you?" Larry chuckled.

"He was into me and I was into him, things went on from there, whatever."

Larry frowned. "So what's it like? Is it like 50/50 or...?"

John sighed and flopped down on his back to watch the passing clouds.

"I don't know but every time you're around, your team loses like 10 percent, Larry."

John turned his head. "Thank you Annie."

Larry considered Annie's comment for a second but he just didn't want to let it go. "So Johnny, if you like both girls and boys...what are you then?"

John put on his walkman, turned the music up so loud his mates could hear it even without the walkman and gave Larry his best smug grin.

"I'm John Constantine!"

Chapter Text

John suppressed a groan and shifted on the air mattress. It had started with a mild pain around the bellybutton and he hadn't thought much of it at first. However, the sensation had soon turned into something much more severe that he could only describe as being jabbed with a knife.

"Are you okay?" Annie asked from across the room. "You didn't eat any of that Red Thai Curry my mum made us this evening..."

"Wasn't hungry," John mumbled.

Annie sat up in her bed to give him a concerned look. "Johnny, that's your favorite food!"

John slowly wiggled out from under the blankets. He had no idea what was wrong with him and all he currently wished for was a quiet place where he could suffer in silence until he was better.

Without replying to Annie, he got up and headed for the bathroom, even though he didn't feel like he had to go. The bathroom rug looked inviting, so John just lay down on it. Cold sweat started running down his forehead and he was shivering. Great. But worst of all was the still intensifying pain in his abdomen. John curled into a tight ball and clenched his jaw in order to keep himself from making any noises. For several minutes, all he did was shiver and breathe.

He didn't have any idea how long he had been lying there when he heard a knock at the door.
It was Annie. "Johnny, are you okay in there?"
"Yes, I'm alright, it's nothin'." John wasn't able to suppress a sound of pain as he tried to sit up.
"You don't sound alright. May I come in?" Annie asked gently.
The level of pain was really starting to scare him, so John grunted a sound of agreement as soon as he had finally managed to scramble into a sitting position.

Annie hesitantly opened the door. She took one look at her friend's face and was instantly at his side. "Oh my God, you look terrible!"
"Thanks luv," John replied with a weak smile, wincing as he tried to get to his feet.
"No, no, no, don't move. Are you in pain?"
"A little... ," John admitted hesitantly.

Seeing her friend's false pride made Annie suppress a sigh. "Alright, where does it hurt?"

John put one hand on his lower right abdomen, causing Annie to give him an allerted stare. "Seriously, don't move, I'm gonna wake my mum!"

"Noo..." John grabbed Annie by her forearm and she could feel that his hand was ice-cold and sweaty. John seemed to realize it as well, as he instantly let go of her arm again. "Come on, it's nothin', I mean, oww, bloody hell...what could she even do?"

"Get you to a hospital?! No, don't look at me like that, this could be serious!" With that, Annie turned around and left the room.

After about a minute Annie returned, dropping John's day clothes in front of him. John had at least managed to get up in the meantime, both hands clenching around the sink. When he gazed into the mirror, he couldn't help but agree with Annie, he really did look terrible.

"Damn your skinny jeans Johnny," Annie commented as she watched him struggle to put them on.

"Well, you can't deny that I look good in them," John replied with a grin which was quickly wiped off his face as he grimaced in pain.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, come on now." Annie tried to put her arm around John's shoulders to help him support his weight, but he instantly shrugged it off in order to prove he could walk on his own. When he was finally sitting in the backseat of the car, he was shivering all over, even worse than he had before.

"You really don't have to do this," John mumbled, feeling guilty for making Annie's mum get up in the middle of the night just because of him. Despite the pain being clear and present, he still felt like he was somehow faking this. Like this didn't justify a trip to the hospital in the middle of the night.

Annie's mum glanced at him in the rearview mirror. "Oh, don't worry, dear. That's just what you sign up for when you become a parent, isn't it? Could you tell me your dad's number so that I can call him once we're at the hospital?"

John stiffened. At fifteen years he was far too old for the 'I'm so nervous, I think I forgot his number' trick and giving her a fake number wouldn't work either, at least not for long. He could only hope that either Cheryl would pick up or that his father would just be too drunk to hear the phone ring. After a few heartbeats, during which he could feel every single bump in the road in his lower right abdomen, he told her the number.

"But don't call him just yet, maybe it's nothing and I don't want him to worry about me," he added quickly.
"Oh John, I'm sure he'd rather have us call him one too many times than...but okay, I'll wait until you've been given a diagnosis."
John exhaled shakily, and it wasn't entirely due to the pain.

In hindsight, John had no idea how he'd made it to the ER on his own two feet, but somehow he had.
Annie's mum quickly explained the situation and started filing some paperwork.
The nurse told them that they would actually need one of John's legal guardians to sign the papers but then she took a look at John, who was pressing one hand on his lower right abdomen, face white as a sheet, and she decided that it had to wait.

"Come with me young man." She led him to another room and John prayed that he wouldn't pass out, a least not as long as Annie and her mum could still see him.

"Alright, sit down, I need to take your blood pressure," the nurse began after asking him a few questions about his medical history.
John basically collapsed on the examining table while trying to make it look like he was just lazy and bored.
"I'm gonna draw a little blood now, okay? Tell me if it hurts too much or if you just need a minute."
John quietly extended his arm and watched as the needle went in. He felt better if he could see what was done to his body.
"You're doing very good, see, already done! Do you happen to know your current weight?"
John had no idea if he had ever known his weight at any point in his life. Their scale at home had stopped working when his father had tried to hit him across the head with it (it had accidentally hit the doorframe instead) and replacing it had been the least of John's and Cheryl's worries. Not that he spend that much time at his father's house anyways. John tried to figure out if not knowing his weight would give away too much about him and whether he should just try to make something up, when he was interrupted by the nurse.
"It's alright dear, just take off your shirt and pants and step on the scale."
At that point, John was really glad that he'd never started cutting himself. He had considered it a few times but had always refrained from following through with it, not wanting to risk that others could spot a weakness in him by accidently catching a glimpse of the scars.

His skinny jeans almost did him in as he tried to wriggle out of them, and he couldn't quite hide the pain the movement was causing him. "Couldn't you just guess my weight?" It was half question, half plea.
The nurse gave him a mild smile and shook her head. She was in her early fourties and there was something about her heartshaped face and her kind eyes that made John instantly want to trust her.
"I'm sorry but we need to write down your exact weight so that the doctor will be able to measure your medication dosage." When she watched John struggle, she added, "and as soon as you step down from that scale, I'm gonna give you something for the pain, alright? Do you need any help?"
John shook his head, clenching his jaw as he concentrated really hard on getting up on his own.
After he had been given an ultrasound, the nurse declared, "Well, I'm afraid your appendix has become inflamed and we need to take it out. You're going to have surgery. But there's really no reason to be afraid, you will feel much better afterwards."
John instantly sat up straighter, ignoring the wave of pain shooting through his abdomen, despite the pain medication he'd received by now. "I'm not afraid," he replied firmly.
The nurse smiled again. "You're very brave. Trust me, you're in good hands, just lie down on the bed and relax okay? Our doctor will come in soon and explain everything to you. And I'll be with you when you wake up."
John gladly lay down on the bed and the nurse put a warm blanket over him. It seemed like the pain medication was finally starting to kick in and a strange sense of calmness came over him. There was nothing he could do right now, and more importantly, no one expected him to do anything or acted like this was his own fault. Everybody was just nice and patient with him and even though he never would have admitted it, John liked it.

When John woke up after the surgery, the nurse was at his side as promised. "Hello there young man, how are you feeling?"
John blinked for a few times. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so...cared for. The room was warm and the blanket was really soft, and the nurse was smiling down at him like she was actually happy to see him.
"Umm, I think I feel...good." John stretched a little but he still couldn't feel any pain. "Yeah, I'm much better. Thank you!"
The nurse chuckled. "Oh, don't thank me, I really didn't do that much, it was our doctors. Okay, I'm gonna bring you to your room now. You'll probably sleep for another couple of hours."

"Shall I tell your friend and her mother that they can come see you?" the nurse asked while setting up an IV bag.
John nodded and calmy extented his arm so she could connect the IV bag to it. "You're not allowed to eat or drink anything for the next 24 hours which is why you're getting this, alright? Press this button and someone will come to give you more pain medication if you need it."
"Got it," John smiled.

As soon as the nurse had left the room, the door was pushed open again and Annie and her mum came in.
"Johnny, how are you?!" Annie ran over to him and hugged him tightly.
"Oh my God, Annie, be gentle, he's just had surgery!" Annie's mum admonished her and tried to pull her daughter away.
John laughed and just held on to Annie. "Nah, come 'ere luv, I'm not that fragile!"
"John, I'm afraid I couldn't reach your dad."
John's smile widened until he remembered that he actually wasn't supposed to smile at this. "Well, that's alright, I'll call him myself." Then he grew serious. "Thanks again for doing this for me. You really didn't have to."
Annie's mum shook her head. "John, this was a medical emergency, every parent would do that." John ignored the sudden sting that even the pain medication couldn't help with.
Annie's mum hesitated. "Look, I actually have to work a shift today but I could take a day off if..."
"Noo!" both Annie and John replied in unison.
"Jinxed!" Annie pointed her finger at John who grinned and rolled his eyes, pointedly pressing his lips together.
"No mum, it's alright. It's Saturday, I'll stay with J-...him."
"Is that alright with you John?"
Since he was jinxed, John simply nodded and waved as Annie's mum left the room. Then he looked at Annie who just grinned at him. John exhaled and pretended to fall asleep. "Alright, it's no fun when it's just the two of us, you may speak again, Johnny."
John instantly opened his eyes. "Great. So how long have I been out for?"
"Not long, maybe for about an hour, probably less. How are you feeling?"
"Good as new, luv." John tried to sit up but Annie stopped him. "Okay, I'm gonna look around and see if I can find us some entertainment," she decided. And indeed, a few minutes later she returned with a board game. They sat it up on John's blanket and started playing. John concentrated on not manipulating the odds as that would have ruined the fun.

After about an hour, John glanced at the IV bag and started fidgeting.
Annie followed his gaze. "Yeah, needles suck, I know. Just concentrate on the game okay?"
They played another round but John kept fidgeting.
"Seriously Johnny, just stop thinking about it. Staring at it won't make it any better."
John sighed. "Look, I don't have a problem with needles, I just gotta use the loo, but I'm hooked up to that bloody thing."
"Oh...well, just press the button and call a nurse or – no, Johnny, don't you dare rip out that needle..."
John grinned smugly. "Oops, too late." He sat up in his bed.
Annie rolled her eyes. "Are you sure you can get up?"
"I'm fine," John replied with a shrug.
"You're on pain medication."
John's grin widened. "Exactly. I'm fine."

Annie sighed as she helped her friend get up from the bed. The fact that John didn't try to swat her hand away told her everything she needed to know.

They made it to the bathroom door and Annie reluctantly let go of John's arm. "Johnny, I swear, if you collapse in there..."
"I won't, luv."
"At least promise me you won't lock the door."
John gave a mock-sigh and entered the bathroom.
Two minutes later John reemerged. "See, I said I'm fine. Hey, did you know you can't actually lock the bathroom doors at hospitals?"
Annie snickered. "Must be because of patients like you Johnny."
"Right... You know, right now you're really reminding me of one of those cats that always try to follow you into the bathroom.“
"Ha-ha, very funny. Next time you can wait for a nurse who makes you pee in a bottle."
John leaned against the wall, the hospital gown doing nothing to diminish his confidence in the slightest, looking Annie up and down. "Don't worry luv, you'd be a cute cat."
"John..."
"Oh, real name here, it's getting serious, alright I'll stop." Suddenly, he stopped grinning and paused for a second. "Huh, I really think I should lie down again..."
Annie caught him just in time before he could fall and hurt himself.
"Whoa, thanks! Just wanted to test your reflexes..."
"Sure. Let's get you back to bed, okay?"

"Did you get any sleep at all last night?" Annie asked on their way back. John didn't answer. "Yeah, thought so, you really need some rest."
Once he had settled down on the bed, John patted the empty space on the mattress beside him. "You didn't get that much sleep either."
"No Johnny, I would just keep you from falling asleep and besides, I'm pretty sure they don't allow bed-sharing here.
John shrugged. "I can fall asleep next to anybody, I had years to hone that skill. Well, whatever, I'm gonna take a nap..." He had barely finished his sentence when he drifted off to sleep.

After a few hours, Annie's mum came to collect her daughter as John had to stay for another day until he would be allowed to go home. They woke him up to tell him and after another hour he was woken again by a doctor who told him that the surgery had gone well. Both times, John instanty fell asleep again. When he finally woke up on his own, it had already started to get dark.

He looked around the room and grabbed the remote control that was thankfully within his reach. Someone had reattached the needle and hooked him to another IV bag.

Suddenly the door opened and a boy was escorted in by his parents. He looked about ten years old and the crooks of his arms were both covered with plasters, so John assumed they had already done a few tests with his blood.

A nurse wheeled in a second bed, quickly checked on John and left the room again. After a few minutes, the boy's parents left as well and the boy flopped down on the bed next to John. "Hi there!" He waved at John.
John waved back.

The boy's gaze lingered briefly on the TV and then on the remote control in John's hand.
"Yeah, see mate, I was here first so I get to decide what we're watching." John commented dryly.
The younger boy shrugged. "Sounds fair." Then he took another look at John's hands. "Uh, why do you have black painted fingernails? I've only seen girls do that."
John looked at his own fingernails like he was seeing them for the first time. Then he chuckled. "Well, I must admit, they really don't go well with the hospital outfit, do they?" He nodded over to his studded leather jacket. "They go much better with this."
"Huh, I see," the other boy replied. "So you don't do it because you want to be a girl?"
The question made John to laugh. "No, I like being a boy. Even though a body swap might be interesting for a day, don't you think?"
The other boy laughed as well. "So, what's your name?"
"John. Johnny for my friends."
"Alright Johnny..."
John raised his eyebrows.
"What? You seem like a cool guy."
"Based on the fact that I bagsied the remote control and paint my fingernails? Sorry to tell you this but your standards of 'cool' are somewhat low, mate."
"Well, whatever. I'm Michael by the way. So Johnny, apart from that gender swap idea, could you tell me anything that you would really like to do in your life? Something that can actually be done, I mean."
John frowned. "Where is that coming from? Is this some sort of homework assignment? Just write 'travel to the US and visit Disneyland' and be done with it."
Michael sat up in his bed. "No, it's not an assignment. Could you please think of something?"
John sighed. "Well, my sister always dreams of finding a husband and living in a big house somewhere on the outskirts of town where she could raise her kids. But I...well, I have no idea. A house would be nice indeed..."
"No, I meant something less distant from now," Michael interrupted his thoughts.
"Umm, visit a rock concert? Found my own band? Yeah, probably that."
Michael didn't look like John's answer had been helpful to him.

Suddenly Michael started rummaging through his bag. "Hey Johnny, do you like chocolate lentils?"

"Sure, who wouldn't like those?" John sat up as well.

"Alright, catch!" The younger boy started throwing chocolate lentils in John's general direction and John laughed as he made a valiant effort to catch them all with his mouth. "Bloody hell, that wasn't even close to my bed, what's wrong with your aim?" he mocked after swallowing a mouthful of chocolate lentils.

Michael tossed him the package. "You do it then."

John grinned. "Look, I can't even use my right hand," he gestured at the IV back, "but I bet you, I'll still do better than you."

Soon the whole room was littered with chocolate lentils. John belatedly realized that technically, he had still six hours left until he was officially allowed to eat again but he figured that a little bit of chocolate wouldn't kill him.

"I have also brought a car race track, let's set it up, okay?" Michael was already pulling out the pieces and John, who was perfectly awake by now since he had basically slept for the entire day, scrambled out of his bed and sat down on the floor next to the IV bag holder. They played with the cars, racing them against each other, and John ignored that he was actually far too old for this. He'd never had toys like these back then and Michael's enthusiasm was outright contagious.

Suddenly Michael's mother opened the door. She looked around the room, which was a complete mess by now, and then she gazed at her son who was still hellbent on winning their car race.

Then her eyes met John's. John fully expected to get a good scolding and was completely taken by surprise when he saw the woman's eyes tear up. "Thank you," she whispered. Then she quickly turned around and left the room.

John shot the younger boy a confused look. "Alright, tell me you just saw that too, or otherwise I'd really like to know what they've been putting into those IV bags."

Michael slowly looked up. "I'm going to die," he answered and continued playing with the toy cars.

John froze. "What? Bollocks, you can't know that, you've only been here for an hour."

Michael sadly shook his head. "You think this is my first hospital? Well, it's not. My parents just don't want to accept that I have a brain tumor and that it's going to kill me sooner or later. The doctors say they can't do anyting about it, so my parents just keep going from one hospital to the next, hoping the doctors might tell them something different. They always pretend I didn't get a diagnosis yet which is why I'm here with you and not on some other floor. And they also think that I don't know about it yet, but I overheard them talk about it. You know what the worst thing is? They treat me like they're already mourning me. But I'm still here. That was why I instantly wanted to be your friend. Because you treated me like a normal child, you know?"

John swallowed hard and forced himself to keep his hand on the toy car. "So that's why you asked me all those questions about what I want to do in life?"

Michael nodded, still not interrupting their game.

"How come..." John cleared his throat. "Why is it that you aren't miserable?"

Michael shrugged. "I can't be miserable all the time. Besides, it wouldn't change anything. Don't get me wrong, I'm afraid of dying, I really am. It's just...I still want to live a litte before that happens."

They kept playing with Michael's several toys until a nurse came in and told them it was time to go to bed. Without a comment, John tossed the remote control to the other bed.

"Ouch, it hit me...thanks. Hey, you know what I always wanted to do?"

John turned on his side so he could face Michael.

"I always wanted to watch a horror movie."

John started browsing through the TV guide. "Well, I've seen this one, it was actually quite good. Try channel 2. … Bollocks, they've activated child lock. Alright, toss it here, I'll try figuring out the password." He grabbed the remote control and punched in a few random numbers, then he tried wishing for the right numbers but to no avail. John paused for a few seconds, then he just wished for them to see the movie but again, he didn't seem to have any success. Great, he really did have the most useless special talent in the world.

John laid back on his bed and gazed out the window. Suddenly his eyes went wide as he realized that they could see the TV of another hospital room through their window...and that the TV was showing exactly that movie. For a second there, he was a little freaked out, wondering if this had really been his own doing. Then he just shrugged it off. "Michael, come here and look out the window," he whispered into the dark.

Michael got up and walked over to the large window.

"Sorry I couldn't come up with anything better, I'm afraid this has to suffice," John grinned. Michael returned his grin as soon as he realized what was going on. "So, you said you've watched this movie before?" he asked.

John nodded.

"Could you tell me what they're saying? The parts you remember, at least."

"Sure." John slipped out of his bed as well and moved over to the window, stepping on several chocolate lentils and a toy car, which was impressive considering the window was just two steps away from his bed.

They sat side by side, watching the movie as John whispered (partly made up) dialogues and explanations.

Suddenly the movie was interrupted by a certain kind of advertisement that could typically be seen at night during such movies.

"Oops, was that on your bucket list too?" John asked.

"Not really..." the younger boy answered.

John shrugged. "Nevermind, I know another thing you should really try before...well. Find an icecream truck and try every single flavour, don't stop unless you puke. Hell, and then you go to Disneyland! Oh wait, you know what's even better? Invite all of your friends to do these things with you, and tell them they can shove their bloody sympathy up their...right, whatever."

Michael laughed.

By some sort of miracle the movie ended exactly when they got caught by a nurse who luckily seemed to be more interested in their secret activities than in the ton of chocolate lentils covering the floor. They quickly scrambled into their beds and John even got the nurse to unhook him from the IV bag and take the needle out of his arm.

"You know, I'm glad you're getting along so well, but it's definitely long past both your bedtime." With that, she gently closed the door behind herself.

The room was silent for a few moments. Until...

"Johnny?"

"Hm?"

"I can't help thinking about that monster from the movie..."

John sighed. "Alright, just move your bed over here."

That night, John realized that his talent for falling asleep next to anybody apparently didn't include young boys who would never get to grow up because fate had played a cruel joke on them. He turned on his back and stared at the ceiling. If only there was a way to cheat death. But there was none, at least none John knew of.

...yet.

Chapter Text

May 10th, 1965

In a little more than a month John and the others would finish 6th grade. John had managed to make himself two new friends at secondary school, Larry and Gary, well, three actually, if he counted Annie who they had basically adopted about half way through the school year.

The other girls hadn't let her sit at their table at lunch so it had become a daily routine for her to spend lunchtime in the bathroom stall instead, until one day one of the girls had purposefully knocked the food tray out of her hand, causing both Annie and Brian to be covered from head to toe in red tomato sauce. Annie had instantly started to mumble an apology, when John had casually grabbed a handful of his own sauce-covered spaghetti and thrown it at the other girl, who had let out a very satisfying scream. Then John had patted the empty seat beside him before getting up to calmly follow their lunchtime supervisor to the time-out room (before he had even been told to do so). From that day on, Annie had been part of their group.

May 10th. Every year John tried his very best to pretend it was a day like any other one. Going to school helped with forgetting what would undoubtedly await him once he'd get home. Sure, being around his father was bad on almost every single day of the year, but being around him on that day, there was just no telling what might happen. Still, John didn't dare to crash at somene else's place as it would only fuel his father's anger, making it even worse for him once he'd inevitably have to face the man he despised so much, yet couldn't get away from because he was still too young. On the day he had turned eight he had actually tried to simply not show up. Suffice it to say, it hadn't ended well and he had never tried it again. 

John would always skip lunch on that dreadful day because he couldn't keep anything down, but other than that he was fine. As long as he was at school he was fine. His demons would always come find him as soon as he was finally alone with his own thoughts though.

When he had been younger his father's behavior had sometimes caused him to dissociate. As much as memory gaps and the impression of 'missing time' had scared him, it had also, in a certain sense, protected him from having to deal with his emotions. Besides, Cheryl had told him that he wasn't really doing anything during those episodes. He would just sit there and stare at nothing until either someone would shake him really hard or he would just snap out of it on his own.

For some reason, he had stopped having those episodes around the age of ten, maybe because his brain had deemed itself mature enough to deal with things without having to dissociate. Well, it obviously hadn't consulted John about it. He definitely wasn't ready, or willing to, for that matter.

Still, he had no choice. All he could do was try to keep himself distracted for as long as possible by going to school and pretending his mother hadn't died giving birth to him exactly twelve years ago to the day, after he had strangled his twin brother with his own umbilical cord while still in the womb.

John took a deep breath and entered the school building. These were his last seven hours until he would inevitably have to face the shitload of guilt and pain he was all too familiar with, together with the actual physical pain when he would show up at home, or rather, at his house. It had never felt like a home to him, his father was making sure of that every single day.

"Happy Birthday, Johnny!"

John's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Annie who was holding out a chocolate cake to him. The candles were forming the number twelve and there was something written on it in blue icing.

John flinched as Annie put the cake down and pulled him into a tight hug, ruffling his hair. His whole body went rigid and he made absolutely no attempt to return her hug. Annie seemed to sense his discomfort and quickly let go of him.

"How did you know?" he hissed.

For a brief moment Annie could see a flicker of pain in his eyes. Then John's expression turned outright angry and for a second there, he looked like he was about to punch either someone or something.

Since both of them were just at the beginning of puberty, John was about the same height and build as Annie, so it really wouldn't have been that impressive if it hadn't been for the look in John's eyes.

Annie was completely taken aback by her friend's reaction. "I, umm, sorry, you know, we had to write our birthdates down when we took that one biology class test and I...look, I thought you would be happy."

John stared at her in disbelief. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but then he just turned on his heel and walked right out the door.

"Johnny, why are you walking away? Hey, could you at least tell me what's wrong?!" Annie ran after him.

John stopped. His whole body was trembling with anger. "Look, I don't owe you a bloody thing, if anything, you owe me, so do me a favour and sod off!"

"Sod off yourself!" Annie retorted. And John did without saying another word.

"Whoa, what was that about?" Larry asked. He had just arrived at school so he had only witnessed the last part of their fight.

Annie sighed. "Actually, I have no idea. I made him a birthday cake and he looked at me like I had insulted him or something. Wait, it really is his birthday today, right?"

Larry raised his eyebrows. "He told you to sod off after you made him a birthday cake? Really?!"

"Yeah. I mean, what's his problem?"

Larry shrugged. "I have no idea either, but I can punch him for you if you want me to. He has no right to talk to you like that." Despite Larry's wink he seemed to be half-serious about the offer.

"No thanks," Annie replied with a small smile.

They went back inside where they were met by Brian.

Brian, who had known John since kindergarten, took one look at the cake and instantly knew what was going on, yet he couldn't tell his friends, at least not if he wanted to remain friends with John as well. Annie hesitantly picked up the cake and glanced at the two boys. "Do you think he will come back?" she asked after telling Brian what had happened.

Brian shook his head, giving her a sympathetic look. "Sorry Annie, but I'm afraid he won't. It's really not your fault. He'll probably come back tomorrow or the day after that. Just act like nothing has happened when he does."

Larry shot Brian an incredulous look. "You're telling her she's just supposed to ignore that he treated her like that? That was really out of line, even for him."

Brian bit his lip. "Look, I'm not saying that it wasn't, I'm just saying that he has his reasons. And before you ask me, no, I'm not allowed to tell you about them."

"And they say that girls are complicated," Annie muttered as she started cutting the cake. Gary had joined them and the boys mumbled an awkward 'thank you' as Annie handed them all a piece of John's birthday cake.

The next day John was back. He took his seat next to Annie, ignoring both Annie's questioning look and the teacher's comment on him being late. He seemed to move a little bit slower than usual and he was very quiet. John's eyes were surrounded by dark circles like he hadn't slept the entire night and he just kept staring at the same passage of the text they were supposed to read.

Annie had actually planned on ignoring John until he would apologize to her but seeing him like that made her change her mind. She waited until everybody else had left the classroom after the lesson. Usually John would jump up as soon as the bell would ring, but today he didn't even seem to notice it.

"Are you alright?" Annie asked softly.

John glanced up from the book, obviously surprised to find that everybody else had already left. "Sure," he replied and started packing up his things.

Annie hesitated. Brian had told her to pretend that everything was normal but she just couldn't do that. "Look Johnny, you don't have to explain anything to me, just...please tell me what I did wrong so I can avoid it next time. I really didn't mean to make things weird between us, I just wanted to thank you all for being my friends, so I thought I'd make each of you a cake on your birthdays, yours just happend to be the first one since I got the idea. And I only hugged you because you hugged me on my birthday, so I thought you'd be fine with it."

John blinked for a few times as he was trying to process all the information while trying to ignore his hurting ribs, a birthday gift from his father.

He'd already had worse birthdays, especially when he had been younger. Not because his father had gotten any softer over the years, but because John was under no illusion as to what he could expect from that day anymore.

When he had turned three years old, he had already been to a few birthday parties of the other children, so he knew what that special day usually looked like. Of course, he hadn't expected to get any cool toys like they did, but being beaten even more visciously than usual while being called 'killer' over and over again had been a shock to him. He had asked Cheryl about the reason and she had tried to explain the situation to him as gently as possible, repeating over and over that none of it was his fault. But John knew when he was being lied to, so when five-year-old Cheryl had tried to give him one of her stuffed animals as what would have been his only birthday present, he had refused it while crying even worse than before.

"...Johnny, are you even listening to me?"

John cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. Then he looked at Annie but made no attempt at giving her an answer. Annie hadn't known that someone her age could look this broken and empty.

"So, no birthday cake next year?" she tried again, keeping her voice calm and gentle as if she was talking to a traumatized child.

John slowly shook his head, casting his eyes down.

"And no hugs?"

John shook his head again.

"Alright then. And what about hugs in general?"

John gave an indifferent shrug.

Annie slowly sat back down and started to put her arms around him. John winced once but other than that he remained completely motionless. Usually he wouldn't have allowed anyone to try and comfort him, but in his current state he didn't even care enough to make a point of refusing Annie's sympathy.

Annie realized that even though John wasn't struggling against the hug, there seemed to be some sort of barrier between herself and his emotions that she just wasn't able to breach. He didn't melt into her hold nor did he allow his pain to surface, he was merely tolerating her touch. It was more like holding a lifeless doll than comforting a human being.

"What happened to you?" she whispered quietly.

John remained silent. Then a brief shudder rippled through his body and his gaze became focused again. He put on a fake smile before gently freeing himself from Annie's hug.

"Alright luv, let's go. Wouldn't want people to start talking about us, would you?"

"I told you to stop calling me that!" Annie replied with an equally fake laugh. She would have liked to do more, but on days like these the only thing she could do for her friend was to just play along.

Chapter Text

At first Brian had been wary of the blonde boy who knew more swear words than every other kid in their group and who would never back down from a confrontation even when the other kid was already two years older than him. Who would sometimes just lash out for no apparent reason, who would almost never bring anything to eat for lunch and who had been banned from playing mother-father-child, along with another girl their age, because their caretakers had deemed the way they played to be inappropriate for the other children.

John had pretended to beat the child of their family, calling the boy "killer", while the girl, who had played the mother, had accused John of sleeping around and then told him that he was supposed to physically keep her from getting up from the bed now while she would struggle against his grip, because that's how her parents would do it.

John had complied and it could have actually been funny to watch if it hadn't been so sad. The girl had screamed and struggled to get free when, after a while, John had paused mid-play and asked the girl what "sleeping around" meant. The girl had frowned and then explained it meant that someone would sleep somewhere else instead of their own bed. John had nodded and continued playing. Then the girl had instructed him to grab her by the throat while she would call for help. When one of the caretakers had finally looked after them (they were pretty much unsupervised most of the time), the girl had told the caretaker that this was "wrong" because nobody was supposed to come when she called for help. Needless to say, they hadn't been allowed to play with each other after that incident anymore.

It had only been years later when Brian had started wondering why the caretakers had never reached out to the children's parents, but then again, most of the caretakers were underpaid and tired of investigating yet another case of child neglect, only to be told that "it was none of their bloody business" by said parents (plus, the child protection system hadn't been established yet).

Be that as it may, three-year-old Brian had kept his distance from the blonde troublemaker, until one day that troublemaker picked a fight with a five-year-old boy for destroying Brian's lego tower which had taken Brian hours to build. Then the boy introduced himself as "Johnny" and helped Brian rebuild the tower. And just like that, Brian and John had become friends.

A few weeks later Brian invited John over to his house after kindergarten. John told his sister and then went home with his new friend.

Brian's father watched the blonde boy stare at the bread basket and asked him if he was hungry, even though he knew that the kids had just had lunch at kindergarten.

The boy hesitated and bit his lip. Brian's father assumed that he was just shy, even though that went pretty much against everything his son had told him about his new friend, so he just cut him a slice of bread, buttered it and placed it in front of him. However, before he could ask him if he wanted jam, honey or cheese on it, the boy had already started eating. He finished the slice so quickly that Brian's father cut him a second one, this time asking him which topping he would like before handing him the slice. The boy swallowed and didn't immediately answer, so Brian's father just started placing the options in front of him. When he caught the boy's eye he saw something he couldn't quite place. The little guy looked happy but also genuinely confused and, just for a second, maybe even a little sad.

It added up about four years later when his son and John had gotten their first grades in elementary school. His son had shown him his exercise book and had made his friend show his as well. He had praised both boys and given them each a pat on the back and a popsicle. His son had smiled proudly while John had given him almost exactly the same look as he had four years ago. It was the look of someone who experienced kindness and praise so rarely that he just wasn't used to it and therefore questioned whether it was genuine on the few occasions it was shown towards him.

After that day, Brian's father always made sure to praise both boys for good grades and bought them each a toy at the end of each school year when they showed him their report cards. He didn't care how many times John had been missing from school without an excuse or that his grades weren't as good as Brian's, or even about what his report card said about his social behavior.

John was well-behaved whenever he was at Brian's. Not in the classical sense that he wouldn't swear and use "please" and "thank you", but in the way that he would always help clear the table after meals without anyone ever having to ask him, and that he would clean up after himself. Brian's father even remembered his son telling him about one time when Brian had accidentally wet the bed at night and instead of waking Brian's parents, six-year-old John had figured out the features of their washing machine, washed the sheets, hung them up to dry and put clean sheets on Brian's bed.

Brian's father would also never forget John's reaction after he had given him a remote controlled toy car at the end of their second year of elementary school. The boy had been so happy about it and played with it all day long, yet he had refused to take it home with him. Not because he didn't accept the present, he would still make sure that Brian knew that it was his even though it 'lived' in Brian's room, but because...well, Brian's father could only guess as the boy wouldn't tell him.

One day John had accidentally knocked a plate off the table and it had shattered into pieces. Instead of saying anything or cleaning it up, he had just sat there, completely frozen in shock, staring at Brian's father with wide, questioning eyes. Brian's father hadn't been able to shake the feeling that the boy had been waiting for a punishment for a whole week, even after he had repeatedly told him that it was fine and that he wasn't mad at him.

Another thing that made Brian's father wonder about John was how the boy would one day join Brian in running around naked in their garden while playing with their lawn sprinkler whereas the next day he wouldn't even get out of his shirt after he had spilled jam on it.

When Brian's father had finally offered to talk to John's dad because of the growing feeling that something just wasn't right, he had never seen the color drain from anyone's face so quickly. John didn't show up at Brian's for the next three weeks and when he finally did again, he made a point of looking especially carefree and happy.

After watching John's act for about a month, Brian's father hadn't been able to take it anymore, so he had decided to pay John's father a visit while their sons were at school. He had introduced himself as "Brian's father", but all that mentioning Brian's name had gotten him was a blank stare. John's father apparently didn't even know the name of his son's best friend at whose house John had been pretty much every other day since kindergarten. He had just shouted at Brian's father to leave and threatened to call the police on him.

Now things made a lot more sense to Brian's father. Still, he would never forget the look John had given him the next day. It was a look of utter disappointment and betrayal.

Chapter Text

"Right now?"

"Well, some foreplay would be nice of course..."

Ian chuckled.

...

John got up from the bed. "I'll be right back, okay?" He gave Ian a teasing smile and headed for the bathroom. Once he was out of sight, he realized how fast his heart was beating and he had to admit that he was far more nervous about this than he had let shown. He looked at himself in the mirror and suddenly, he remembered that he'd done the same thing back when he had been about to sleep with a girl for the very first time. It had been another mirror, in another bathroom, in another house, but the feeling was exactly the same. John stared at his own reflection.

Alright, Johnny boy, you can do this. Millions of people have done this before you, so there's absolutely no reason to be afraid. He swallowed. But what if it will hurt? Come on, if anyone is used to pain, it's you. You've had years of experience with it and yet you've always survived it somehow. This can't be worse.

But he had no clue on how to do this. It was not like he could just ask anybody for any tips. Who cares, you'll figure it out on your own. Just like you figured it out when you did it with a girl.

Except that the roles were reversed this time and it was an even more delicate part of his body that technically wasn't exactly made for doing something like this. John ran a hand through his hair. He had been wrong, this was so much worse than the first time he'd been about to do it with girl.

Stop whining, it's not like you don't want to do it. First times are never perfect and Ian knows that as well. You and him will have a laugh about it later and everything will be fine.

John bit his lip and started pacing back and forth in the bathroom. Alright, what was the worst thing that could happen? Nope, wrong question. Definitely, the wrong question. Bloody hell, he could only hope this wouldn't get too embarassing (or gross) for either of them. John swallowed hard and glanced up at the ceiling. "Hey there, big man," he whispered. "I know we aren't exactly close and I might have questioned your existence more than once in the past. But if you're listening... Look, I just want to be able to look my boyfriend in the eye after this, that's all I'm asking for. And maybe, just if you're feeling generous, could you please not make it hurt so bad?"

John turned his gaze back on the mirror and realized how pathetic he looked. Here he was, a fifteen-year-old boy, standing completely naked in front of a mirror while giving himself a pep talk and praying to a god who probably despised homosexuality (if he even existed at all).

The blonde boy in the mirror gave him a disapproving look. Enough of that bollocks Johnny, you're gonna take a shower and then you go out there and have sex with your boyfriend. You told him you're up for it, so just grow a bloody spine and get it over with.

John sighed and stepped into the shower. Once he was back in Ian's room, Ian gave him a hesitant glance and asked him whether he was still sure about wanting to do this with him. John summoned all of his bravado, forced a smug grin on his face and told him that all he needed was some cool music.

A few seconds later, John had settled back down on the bed, lying on his stomach, his hips now propped up on a pillow. Presenting himself like that felt...surreal.

Ian ran a hand over his shoulder and then down his arm, letting it come to rest on his hand. "Whoa, your hand is ice-cold, Johnny!" He pulled John's hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it.

It caused John's body to stiffen even more (except for the part that should have, which refused to do so at all). Great. John clenched his jaw.

Ian motioned for John to turn on his side so that his back was facing Ian. John was surprised but did it anyways, rolling off the pillow. He was even more surprised when instead of trying to do anything else, Ian just started massaging his shoulders. His touches were slow and gentle with just the right amount of pressure, and after a few minutes John felt himself calm down a bit. He rolled back onto his stomach, because it was just more comfortable, and rested his head on his arms. Ian followed his movement and started kissing his neck, not interrupting the massage.

For a brief moment, John forgot all of his concerns and what the two of them were about to do. He turned his head a little so that he could reach Ian's lips and they started kissing. Without really noticing, John began to grind his hips against the mattress. Everything felt so good and relaxing, and after another couple of minutes his hands had turned warm again.

John felt Ian's hands move down his back, then brushing over his buttocks and thighs, and then all the way up again. Every time they passed his butt the bucking of John's hips increased.

"You like it when I touch you there, don't you?" Ian whispered.

John nodded eagerly. No matter how much the actual deed would hurt, at least this was quite nice and he wanted more of it. Ian kept running his hands over John's naked skin, allowing them to explore every inch of it, and John welcomed it. It didn't take long until he started spreading his legs, just because it felt so natural. He started to imagine what it would feel like to be touched down there and his hole started to tingle which was quite surprising since he had never considered this to be an erogenous zone. So the next time Ian's hands caressed his cheeks, he lifted his hips and spread his legs even further, hoping that Ian might get the hint. Ian did. He let one finger slide between John's cheeks, brushing against his hole ever so slightly.

John's breath hitched.

"I'm sorry, did that hurt?" Ian paused.

John actually had to catch his breath after that brief little touch. "N-no. No, it didn't," he replied shakily. He had no idea what had just happened but that touch had felt good. Like, really, really good. "Do that again."

Ian did and John's body started quivering. "Oh Christ, give me more of that," John panted. Ian squeezed a little bit of lube into his palm, waited until it had warmed up to his body temperature and then coated his finger in it. He then continued to run it over that wonderful, sensitive spot and the sensation made John's toes curl. After a few minutes of that blissful torture John turned his head and looked into his boyfriend's eyes.

"Okay." Just one little word, but Ian didn't need him to say anything else. The circling movement of his finger turned into the smallest of thrusts.

John had expected his body to fight the intrusion but for some reason it didn't, not even when Ian gradually increased the pressure. The gentle thrusts reminded John of someone knocking politely on a door rather than just storming in. He chuckled quietly at the thought.

Ian paused. "What is it?"

John just grinned and shook his head.

"Well, whatever, I guess it's a good sign that you're still able to laugh."

John immediately took it as a challenge and kept grinning at his boyfriend while he was being fingered. Ian rolled his eyes but eventually, he had to grin as well. After another minute, Ian's finger finally breached the tight ring of muscles and John stopped grinning because the feeling was so...well, he really couldn't describe it, it felt both wrong and right, his muscles were alternating between pushing and clenching, and neither was a controlled action.

"Is this okay?" Ian asked, not daring to move his finger.

John just lifted his hand and gave him the thumbs up.

"Alright, but wait..." Ian pulled his finger out, causing John to lift his head off the pillow to give him a questioning look.

Ian avoided his gaze. "Umm...do you think we should get a towel?"

John gave him a relieved smile. He had wanted to suggest the same thing but hadn't been able to come up with a good way of asking Ian. (In his defense, he had been a little distracted.) "Yes! Yes, we should definitely get a towel." He cleared his throat. "Or two."

Ian nodded, returning his relieved smile. Then he went and fetched a few towels. They put the blanket underneath and the towels on top, making sure the bed was thoroughly covered. It was actually quite comfortable as the towels were all very soft and fluffy.

"I still can't believe you're really doing this for me," Ian whispered.

Yeah mate, me neither. "Oh, don't think too much of it, I'm just lazy," John replied with a wink.

After about another hour of cuddling, chatting and gentle preparation they were finally ready to attempt the actual deed. Well, as ready as they could be at least.

Ian sighed and glanced at John. "Alright, I guess this is the part where I should tell you that I'm really, really terrified and that I don't have a bloody clue of what I'm supposed to do. I just wish I had prepared better for this..."

John sat up and raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. "Says the bloke who instructed me to buy water-based lube because he knew that oil-based one can break down a condom, and who made sure that none of us was allergic to latex." Thankfully, John had been able to buy the lube at the petrol station he was working at, without having to look anyone in the eye while doing so. Buying condoms as a fifteen-year-old was awkward enough, but lube? He probably would have otherwise rather stolen it.

"Relax mate, you've done everything you could. Besides, this isn't an exam. If we muck this up, we can just try again on another day." Suddenly John realized that his confidence wasn't entirely fake and a part of him really did believe in what he said. The wonderful thing about this was that they would indeed get another chance at it if it wouldn't work the first time. Well, given Ian's parents would be so kind to go out again, preferably within the next few weeks...

"So how do you want to do this?" Ian gently interrupted his musings.

John turned to lie on his stomach again. He could see that even though Ian was probably even more nervous than he was right now, he was still willing (and ready) to try this with him. "I think I'll just lie here and enjoy this," John replied with a teasing smirk.

Ian stuck out his tongue at him. He made sure to apply a generous amount of lube and then crawled on top of John, pressing himself flush against his body, his mouth next to his ear. "I love you so much, Johnny," he whispered and John grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He kept holding on to it as Ian took a deep breath and started to give him the same gentle thrusts he had been giving him with his finger, without breaching the ring of muscles.

Are we seriously holding hands right now?  John had meant to say it out loud but then he realized that he didn't want to destroy the moment. Besides, yes, he honestly did feel like holding hands right now. It gave him the opportunity to let Ian know as soon as anything didn't feel right without needing to think of the proper words to tell him first. 'Slower' or 'ow' were sounding so much harsher than a subtle squeeze of his boyfriend's hand and it still got his point across.

John had no idea for how long they had been lying there but after a while it became clear that gentle thrusts alone wouldn't be enough to enter him, so he coated his other hand in lube and reached for Ian's length. Everything was so slippery that he needed to wipe his hand on one of the towels, and he made a mental note that his palm obviously wasn't where the lube was supposed to go. "Alright, do it," John whispered.

After a little bit of hesitation Ian pushed about one and a half inches inside while John was guiding him with his hand. The sudden stretch knocked the wind out of John's lungs and the room started spinning. John was glad that he was already lying flat on his stomach (and in the middle of a wide bed). He squeezed Ian's hand but kept his other hand firmly around his length.

Ian instantly stopped moving. "Does it hurt? I-I'll pull out if it hurts...?" His voice was full of concern.

"No," John replied, not able to say anything else as the room was still spinning. His stomach heaved once and his heart was racing like he'd just run a marathon, but John instinctively knew that all he needed to do was just lie still and wait. He wasn't in any pain and the stretch wasn't too much, just...really foreign. His body wanted to push Ian out and the thought of what might happen if he did really wasn't sexy, so John tried to fight it, causing his whole body to tense up.

"Shit, you're in pain, please let me pull out," Ian pleaded.

After a few deep breaths the room had stopped spinning and a part of John just wanted to give in to the sensation of having to push, but he didn't dare to because he didn't trust his own body.

Ian shifted his weight and soothingly started kissing John's neck. "Shhhht, it's okay," he whispered between two kisses.

The need to push was becoming unbearable, John's muscles started to spasm and...nothing happened. They clenched around Ian for a few times and then started to relax. Well, not completely, but at least they were tolerating the intrusion. John let out a deep sigh of relief. Then he willingly clenched his muscles for a few times to get used to the feeling. It was strangely thrilling and for some reason, it made him grow hard again. A small smile started playing around his lips.

"Better?" Ian whispered.

John just hummed and started to grind his hips up and then down against the mattress. His hand left Ian's length as he no longer needed to make sure that Ian was getting the right angle. It came to rest on his boyfriend's hip instead and every time Ian pushed in, John's grip tightened, making Ian slide in just a little deeper than before. The obscene noises their movements created made them both laugh.

They moved really slow and paused every now and then to catch their breath. Finally, Ian had completely entered John and a triumphant feeling spread in John's chest. "Little harder," he whispered, his words muffled by the pillow. He had no idea how he knew that harder thrusts would feel even better, but as soon as Ian complied, John recognized it to be true. Oh Gods, so very true... John buried his head even deeper into the pillow as he could feel a moan threatening to escape him. With every thrust Ian managed to brush an especially good spot inside of him. It was an odd sensation because it felt a little bit like he was going to wet himself but also like he might cum. Whatever it was, it intensified with every thrust and soon John wasn't able to keep quiet anymore.

"Is that good Johnny?" Ian asked, not interrupting his thrusts.

"Yes, bloody hell, keep going...oh, bugger me, that's good..."

"That's what I'm doing," Ian replied with a laugh that soon turned into a series of moans. "Umm, Johnny, either we slow down or I'm gonna come," he admitted after a few more thrusts.

"Keep going, I'm close," John replied, even though he wasn't sure as to what exactly he actually was close right now, but it was definitely something. Ian picked up his pace and the feeling started to get so intense that John let go of Ian's hand because he couldn't keep his own one from clenching (and the last thing he wanted right now was for Ian to think that he had given him a signal to stop). John started to make high-pitched keening noises, something he hadn't known he was even capable of doing. This was unlike any other orgasm he had ever experienced before. Usually, he would reach a peak and then it was over, but this...this was different. When John felt like it couldn't get any more intense, it just kept going, running through him like waves, and his whole body started writhing uncontrollably. He felt warmth blossom underneath him and at first he thought that he was coming, however, it was too thin for cum and the small spurts just wouldn't stop, every spurt feeling like an orgasm of its own.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening," John panted into his orgasm, the pleasure clearly drowning out the guilt in his voice. Ian, who had one hand wrapped around John's hip, could feel the liquid warmth as well. "Aww, you're squirting, Johnny," he commented, clearly not bothered by it at all. On the contrary, he pushed his hand even further underneath John's body so he could feel exactly what was going on. He seemed to like it so much that his hips instantly started bucking and his whole body went rigid as he came.

John whimpered and rode out his orgasm as warmth kept spreading underneath him.

"Oops," John said into the following silence.

"So hot," Ian replied sleepily, rolling off of John to curl up around him.

"Glad you think so." John suppressed a yawn. Then his eyes shot open again and he turned around to look at his boyfriend. "Ian, we did it, mate! Look at us, we did it!" He sounded so excited and surprised that it made Ian laugh. "Never doubted us, Johnny."

"Sure, me neither."

Chapter Text

"Do you want any flowers?" John lay on his stomach, legs up, ankles crossed, and a watercolor paint set beside him.

"Johnny, I'm already glad you're doing my art homework for me at all, I definitely won't make any extra wishes," Annie replied from her desk.

John looked up. "Come on, make all the extra wishes you want luv."

Annie smiled. "Well, then I want tulips."

John dipped the paint brush into the water. "Alright, here you go."

Both of them were concentrated on their tasks. The radio was playing quietly in the background and John sang along to every song that came on. Annie looked up from time to time and every time John sensed her gaze, he met her eyes and made it look like he was singing to her, completely regardless of the song. John would always do that, sing to whomever would meet his eyes and ravel in the attention.

To John it was probably both the most fun and at the same time the most productive way of doing homework.

"Do you want me to do your chemnistry assignments as well?" Annie asked once she was done with both their math homework.

John glanced up. "Not that I wouldn't appreciate the offer here, but let's be honest, Mr. Barker would never believe I did them on my own. That ship has sailed long ago. Just write 'the liquid turned blue' and leave it at that."

Annie rolled her eyes but eventually nodded in agreement. She watched John paint, tapping the beat of the current song with his fingers. It made her smile.

John looked up. "What?!"

"Nothing, it's just...you look so happy," Annie replied.

John stretched. "Well, I don't have to do my math homework, it's halloween soon and we're going on a school trip to London next week. Who wouldn't be happy?"

Annie bit her lip. "Umm, to be honest, I really don't want to go on that trip. I'll probably have to share a room with those stupid cows who hate me and..."

"Then just don't go, pretend you're sick or something," John interrupted her.

Annie shook her head. "Nah, I don't want to be that weirdo who misses out on the class trip and besides, I'm really bad at faking sick. What if the doctor doesn't believe me? What if he only gives me a sick note for half the week? I'd have to join one of the other classes for the remaining days and that would be even worse."

"Oh boy, you're giving this way too much thought," John replied, rolling his eyes.

"Just because you don't think about any consequences ever?" Annie retorted, causing John to smirk.

Annie seemed caught up in her own thoughts for a moment and John's gaze wandered around the room. It came to rest on Annie's red lipstick that he had used to draw the pentagram and he had an idea. He got up, grabbed it and held it out to his friend like he was making a proposal. "Dear Annie, do you want to be my murder victim this year?"

Annie looked up. "What?!"

"For halloween," John explained quickly, successfully taking Annie's mind off the upcoming class trip. "I could be Jack the Ripper..."

Annie laughed. "Alright, what do you have in mind?"

"Don't worry, not much. Pale make up, a little lipstick, slashed throat - I can have a try at this if you want me to - and either a missing heart or kidney, whichever you prefer, given you're allowed to cut up one of your shirts for it. Did you know that one of his victims was actually called Annie?"

"Alright, that's kinda sick...but I like it," Annie giggled.

The lipstick in his hand reminded John of something else. "Umm, do you still have that old book we got from your uncle?"

"Yeah..." Annie answered hesitantly.

"Could I take it on our class trip? Our Latin teacher is coming too, so I thought maybe I'd have him let a look at this."

"Well, to be honest, I'd rather burn that creepy thing..."

"Come on, I won't try to use it again, I just want to know what the text actually means," John explained.

"Alright, fine, whatever."

It was a 6 hour ride with the bus and all of them were chattering excitedly.
Larry was sitting next to John and Brian was sitting next to Annie. The seat next to Gary was empty but he didn't mind, at least he was with a group of friends who all accepted him.

One of the teachers handed out a list so they could name the people they wanted to share a room with, and Gary smiled as Larry filled in the names of the four boys.

"If it's bunk beds, I'm gonna sleep on the top," John declared. "Same!" Larry turned around to point at Brian and Gary. "Too late, suckers!"
Annie couldn't quite share their happiness and just stared at the list. Then she passed it on without writing down her name at all.

When they arrived, the boys quickly grabbed their bags and ran up to their room, leaving Annie to wander off to the girl's wing on her own.
John and Larry claimed the upper bunk beds by throwing their bags on them. Their hostel had definitely seen better days but neither of them really cared until Brian went to use the bathroom. When he was done, he pushed down the doorhandle but the door didn't open. "Umm guys?" he called from the other side of the door.

The other three errupted into laughter as none of them could open the door from the other side either.
"Well, seems like you get to spend the trip in the bathroom, mate!" John snickered. "Alright, hang in there," he added after a short pause, fumbling for his health insurance card. After about ten minutes, that felt a lot longer, John had finally managed to open the door with the plastic card.
"Listen up, no one closes that bloody door ever again," John declared.

They burst into laughter for a second time when they discovered that the whole bathroom got flodded with water every time someone took a shower.
"Feels just like home," John muttered under his breath for only Brian to hear. Brian got the joke and chuckled.

Once they had settled in, they met up with Annie for lunch. She didn't look happy at all.

"What is it, Annie?" Brian asked.

Annie sighed. "I have to share a room with those five other girls who all hate me and are dumb like a box of rocks."

"Come on, you just have to spend the nights there, so it's not that bad," Larry tried to cheer her up. Annie just gave another sigh.

Later that day, they went on a guided city tour. It was exactly like any other city tour under this circumstances: half the class didn't pay any attention at all, someone lost their cap and another one wandered off and had to be retrieved by the teachers.

It was late evening when they returned to the hostel. They had dinner (which wasn't exactly bad but not that good either) and were sent to their rooms afterwards.

Of course, the boys still lay awake and talked. "Did you see they have a pool table in that one room? How about we try it out tomorrow?" Gary suggested.

"Mate, they have an actual pool in the cellar, how about we try that?“ Brian replied when suddenly, they heard someone knocking at their door. "Come in!" Larry called.
It was Annie. She was crying. Brian shot up from his bed. "Hey, what is it?" None of them had ever seen Annie cry before.

"Those cows are making fun of me and they keep messing with my things. I don't want to sleep there," Annie explained, still sobbing. Then she realized she was crying in front of the boys. "Shit!" She wiped her eyes and headed for the bathroom to lock herself inside.

"Nooo!" all four boys exclaimed simultaneously, causing Annie to stop dead in her tracks and give them a surprised look.

"The handle's broken, you can't get out of there on your own once you close it, luv," John explained.

"Yeah, we almost lost Brian in there," Larry added with a wink, patting Brian on the back.

Annie couldn't help but grin. Then she started to look sad again as she sensed the happy atmosphere in the boy's room and compared it to the open hostility the other girls were showing towards her. She had never done anything to them but apparently, having different hobbies was already giving them enough of a reason to hate her. "I just really don't want to go back," she mumbled. "I won't be getting a wink of sleep there anyways."

John got up and climbed down from the top bunk bed. "You won't be going anywhere for now. Just wait here, alright?" Without any further explanation he got dressed in his dayclothes and left the room. He headed straight for the teacher's wing and knocked at Mrs. Humphrey's door.

His teacher gave him a surprised look. "John, is everything alright?"

John hooked one thumb into the belt loop of his jeans, maintaining eye-contact. "The other girls are bullying Annie and she's crying in our room right now."

Mrs. Humphrey gave him a small smile, replying, "Girls, right? I'll go talk to them."

John didn't return her smile. "Annie is not going back there. Can't you give her another room instead?"

His teacher raised her eyebrows. "Unfortunately, there aren't any other rooms. It's only for five days, maybe they just need time to get to know each other."

John clenched his hand in frustration. "They do know each other since sixth grade. And that's exactly for how long they've been bullying her. Come on, can't you just let her stay with us if you can't give her a single room?"

Mrs. Humphrey gave him a mild smile. "Oh, I can imagine you boys would like that, John. Besides, you don't even have enough beds in there..."

"I'll share with one of the others," John replied promptly, forcing himself to ignore her other comment.

Mrs. Humphrey shook her head. "John, I can't let Annie sleep in your room. Look, even if I wanted to, we wouldn't be allowed to do that without the consent of a parent."

"Call her mom," John suggested without hesitation. "I guarantee you, she'll rather have Annie stay with her friends, who happen to be blokes, than with some girls who treat her like she's rubbish." He paused so that Mrs. Humphrey could consider it. Then he added, "Look, all I'm asking for is one phone call." He leaned against the wall, making it clear he was not going to leave.

His teacher sighed. "Alright, one phone call."
 
She closed the door and John waited outside. After a few minutes, the door was opened again. John couldn't read his teacher's expression, so he just waited for her to speak, not wanting to make it look like he was too eager about this since he was sure Mrs. Humphrey would have taken it the wrong way.

"Alright, I reached Annie's mum," Mrs. Humphrey began. "If Annie really wants this..." This was the point where John stopped listening because it was all that mattered.

"...and we will check on your room repeatedly throughout the whole night, am I clear?"

John nodded. "Thank you, Mrs. Humphrey." Contrary to popular belief, he could be perfectly polite if he wanted to. It was just that most of the time, he didn't.

"I would never have allowed this John, but her mother insisted on it. She said you have sleepovers at Annie's anyways all the time and that she trusts you.

John ignored both the silent question and the silent warning in that sentence, and simply gave his teacher another nod. Even if any one of them had been into Annie, John wondered who the bloody hell would do it in front of his three best mates. Even he wasn't bold (or kinky) like that. But he decided it was better to keep that question to himself. "May I go tell Annie now?" John asked instead.

Mrs. Humphrey gave him one last scrutinizing look. "Okay, but send her to my room afterwards, I want to talk to her as well.

"Of course," John replied

"And John?"

John spun around again.

"If anyone of you so much as looks at her the wrong way, I will know, and I will hold you", she pointed her finger at him, "responsible."

"I guess that's fair," John replied. Then he headed back to their room, smiling to himself. Without a word he just started taking his things off the bed and threw them over at Larry's.

"Johnny, that's my bed, what are you doing?!" Larry exclaimed.

"Looks like we're sharin' mate," John answered, waiting for the others to catch on.

"Johnny, what did you do?" Annie asked, giving him a wide-eyes stare.

"Relax luv, I just talked to Mrs. Humphrey." He nodded over to the bed. "Long story short, this is yours now."

Annie's eyes grew even wider. "You're kidding me Johnny!" John shook his head and smirked. "Made her call your mum. Apparently between those bullies and us, she considered us the better option."

"Wow, I'm feeling flattered," Larry replied dryly.

Annie looked back and forth between Larry and John. Then she hugged John who enthusiastically returned her hug, patting her on the back. "Couldn't let them steal our girl now, could I?" The others chuckled.

"Umm, I think I should get my things," Annie mumbled. Sensing her hesitation, Gary asked, "Do you want anyone to go with you?" He knew what social anxiety and being tense around one's bullies felt like. Only when Annie gave him a small nod, he realized that his suggestion had implied he'd be willing to be that someone, which he absolutely wasn't. He gave John a pleading look. John rolled his eyes but turned around to follow Annie anyways.

Annie opened the door and started grabbing her things while John waited outside.

"What are you doing?" One of the girls asked, giving Annie a look of disdain. "Did you call your mummy to come get you? Poor baby..."

Annie stared the other girl right in the eyes. "You wish. I'm moving in with the boys."

"What?! Are you even allowed to do that? Whatever, that's so low, the boys only accept you because you're a girl." Then the girl glanced at John. "Hey, do we get you instead?"

"I'm afraid not," John replied dryly.

The girl's blonde hair was reaching down to her slim waist and she started wrapping it around her finger in a seductive gesture, leaning against the doorway. She was really pretty and by the way she acted, she was well aware of it. "Well, maybe we can meet tomorrow evening behind that shed..."

John took a step closer and slowly let his gaze travel down her body, until he looked up again to meet her eyes. "Look, it's not you, pet...it's just your personality." Annie, who had finished packing her things by now, had to stifle a laugh.

The other girl frowned and turned around to one of her friends. "Do you know what he means by that?" Her friend shrugged, shaking her head. The girl looked at John again, still smiling. "So, are we meeting tomorrow or not?"

John raised his eyebrows and exchanged a glance with Annie. "Wow, you really weren't exaggerating." Without another word the two of them left the room.
 
"Never say I don't have standards," John said as they were walking down the hallway. "They may be low sometimes, but still."

Annie laughed. "Are those standards something like 'never date anyone who's dumber than Lucy?' "

"Somethin' like that, luv. But she's quite the smart dog that one. Oh, by the way, Mrs. Humphrey wanted to speak to you. Looks like someone is getting the talk." John grinned.

"Eww, gross Johnny!" Annie cringed, dumped her bag into John's arms and headed to Mrs. Humphrey's room.

 
John put Annie's things down on her bed (/his former bed) and changed back into his sleeping clothes. It was really late by now and Brian and Gary had already settled down to sleep. John looked at the bed. He had shared a bed with Larry like a hundred times before but this one was much more narrow than Larry's bed at home and there was only one pillow. John thought about using his studded leather jacket as a makeshift pillow but while he really liked that jacket, it definitely wouldn't be comfortable to sleep on.

"Here, you can take my jacket," Gary offered. He had obviously sensed John's thoughts. John definitely didn't share his friend's taste in fashion, but it turned out Gary's jacket made for quite the comfortable pillow.

"Thanks mate," John replied. Then he exchanged a look with Larry. They would not fit in that bed without basically having to cuddle with each other.

"Is this okay for you, Johnny?" Larry asked quietly.

The question took John by complete surprise as he felt like it should have been him asking Larry, not the other way around. It made him smile. "Uh, sure mate. Is it for you though?"

"Sure."

They both climbed up the bed and there was a little bit of shifting until both of them had found a comfortable position. They switched off the lights and Brian and Gary quietly talked about the things they wanted to do on the next day. A few minutes later, Annie returned. She switched the lights back on so she could store her things away.

"Aww, you two look cosy," she commented with a glance at Larry and John, causing Brian and Gary to chuckle.

"Yeah, that's how much you mean to us, Annie," Larry replied, sticking out his tongue to make it sound less cheesy.

Annie went to brush her teeth and put on her nightclothes, careful not to fully close the bathroom door.

Larry kept fidgeting. "Seriously Johnny, how can you be comfortable like that?! That's way too warm, I'm gonna take my shirt off...okay?"

"Whatever suits you mate," John mumbled, turning around to lie on his stomach while hugging his makeshift pillow. The fact that guys were so much warmer than girls had been one of the first things he'd noticed when he'd started dating Ian. It had never bothered him.

After a few minutes, Annie returned and went to bed as well. They were all very tired but not being in their own beds made them all stay awake for a little longer – all except for John, who felt perfectly at home by the presence of his mates alone.

After about another ten minutes, Mrs. Humphrey came to check on them. "Oh no, I didn't realise the beds were so narrow, you two probably won't find any sleep that way. Is this really okay?" she asked, looking at Larry's (which now happened to be also John's) bed.

"Yeah, it's alright," Larry replied, smiling at the thought of how their strict teacher was suddenly sounding so soft and motherly.

Mrs. Humphrey gave him a brief nod. "Here, I at least brought you another pillow. John?"

Larry gently patted his mate's arm, but John didn't even stir. "Well, so much for not getting any sleep. See, everything's fine, we'll behave." He grinned.

Mrs. Humphrey gave John an incredulous look before glancing at Larry. "Yes, I sincerely hope so, you really don't want to find out what happens if you don't. And don't think I won't keep checking on you...or that I would believe that he is actually asleep." Then she turned around and left the room.

One by one, the rest of their group fell asleep as well.

Chapter Text

The next morning, John woke up first. For a few seconds, he just enjoyed being in this peaceful state between wakefulness and sleep, where one didn't yet think but just felt. John felt the warmth of another body, skin against skin, the knowledge of not being alone, and he smiled. This was a good morning.

He stretched out contentedly, slowly becoming more aware of his surroundings. Blinking for a few times, he noticed that the other person had kind of put their arm around/on top of him and he remembered that they were on a class trip and that the other person was his mate Larry. So no breakfast in bed, no cuddling and no lazy morning sex, but anyways, it was still a nice way to wake up.

He had no idea what time it was, but since all of his mates were still fast asleep, he just hugged his jacket-pillow and drifted off to sleep again.

"Hey Johnny, time to wake up." Larry was nudging his shoulder. John yawned. "How did you sleep?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Well, surprisingly good actually," Larry replied.

"Me too," John agreed.

Larry chuckled. "Yeah, I know."

John sat up and raised an eyebrow at his mate. "What did I do?!"

"Nothing, relax. You just immediately fell asleep. Mrs. Humphrey came to bring you an extra pillow but I couldn't get you to wake up."

John grinned.

The other three were beginning to wake up as well, all yawning and rubbing their eyes.

"Did you know that the other girls actually made a bathroom schedule for the morning and you were only allowed to go when it was your turn?" Annie asked.

"Sounds lovely," Gary replied and the rest of them chuckled.

"Alright mates, since we can't close this bloody door, I suggest we just put a sock over the doorknob if we want privacy." John scambled over Larry and climbed down from the bunk bed. Then he headed for the bathroom without putting a sock over the doorknob. Annie wiggled out of her bed and went after him.

"Did you catch whether the teachers have planned any excursions for today?" Annie asked, brushing her teeth.

"Nah, I think we have the day off," John replied.

Annie watched him by looking in the mirror and giggled.

John stared back. "What? It's hard to take a piss with morning wood..."

"I know, but it looks so funny!" Annie laughed. They had shared a room (and a bathroom) so often that none of them was fazed by it anymore. It had started out because none of them had wanted to get up earlier than they absolutely had to on a school day, so they had just essentially traded privacy for thirty more minutes of sleep.

"Ha-ha," John replied with a smirk, still trying to find a suitable angle while sitting on the toilet. "You know, I'm still surprised they're actually letting you stay with us."

Annie started splashing water into her face. "Yeah, me too. Guess my mom can be quite convincing if she wants to be."

"Hey guys, what sort of book is this?" Larry asked, opening the bathroom door as John and Annie were both doing their hair.

"Not yours, give it back," Annie replied and tried to snatch it out of Larry's hands. Larry held it up so that Annie couldn't quite reach it. John grabbed Annie's spray deodorant and pointed it at Larry like a weapon. "Give it to her, or you'll smell like a girl for the rest of the day."

Larry grinned and grabbed one of the other bottles from the sink, pointing it at John. Gary and Brian cheered.

John glanced at the bottle. "Mate, that's hair conditioner."

"So?" Larry asked.

"Bad choice," John replied and started spraying.

Larry tried to defend himself, causing thick drops of white hair conditioner to drip sadly on the ground. "Eww, that looks like spunk," he commented while Gary and Brian doubled over with laughter.

"Thanks Larry, now I'll never look at it the same," Annie giggled, snatching both the book and her hair conditioner from Larry's hands.

"Alright, last one who leaves the bathroom cleans up the spunk!" Larry grabbed his things and dashed into the bathroom to get ready as fast as he could. Brian and Gary exchanged a quick look before running after him.

"So, I talked to a teacher, we're allowed to use the pool," Larry declared after they had breakfast and were back to their rooms. Brian jumped up. "Come one, quick, before the others catch on to it as well."

Annie bit her lip. "Have fun, boys."

Larry gave her a confused look. "Come on, what's the matter? None of us has brought any swimwear, you can just wear underwear and a shirt or something."

Annie avoided his gaze. "Yeah, it's not that," she mumbled.

Larry grew even more confused. "What is it then?"

Annie blushed and didn't answer, causing Larry to roll his eyes. "Seriously Annie, why are you such a buzzkill right now? – Ow! What the bloody hell was that for?!" Larry held his stomach, staring at John.

"That's how Annie's feeling right now," John replied calmly.

"What?! How would you even know?" Larry still didn't get what John was hinting at.

"Mate, I have an older sister and I've had several girlfriends. Wait, you've had girlfriends too, how come...? Whatever."

Now it was Larry's turn to blush. "Oh. Sorry Annie," he mumbled.

John got up to his feet. "Well, enough with the blushin', Annie, you can be our referee if you'd like. Larry, did you by any chance bring a ball?"

Larry was kind of a sportsfreak, so the question was absolutely redundant. They played water volleyball and whoever claimed volleyball to be a girls' sport because there was no physical contact between the players had surely never seen Larry play.

"Mate, stop bodychecking me," John grumbled, pushing Larry away.

"Look, you either receive the ball or you don't stand in the way," Larry replied.

"Annie, wasn't that a foul?" John complained.

"It doesn't work that way, he's on your team Johnny," Annie laughed, giving John a sympathetic look.

They kept playing for another five minutes.

"Seriously Johnny, could you at least try to win this?" Larry complained.

John rolled his eyes. "You know what mate, I'll switch with Brian." With that, he moved over to the other side of the pool.

Larry let out an annoyed sigh. "Johnny, we could at least have finished that match. What's your problem?"

John would never understand how someone could care so much about winning some stupid sports game. Having Gary as a teammate was definitely an improvement. They both knew they didn't stand a chance and while Gary wasn't exactly thrilled about losing either, he at least didn't shout at John.

After about half an hour a group of other boys from their class arrived at the pool and started playing waterball. "Hey, why do you guys get to have a girl in your room?" one of the boys asked. "I want a girl in our room as well."

"Do you?" Brian retorted. "The teachers are checking on us like every 10 minutes, it can get really annoying."

"I just need five," the other boy replied and everyone laughed. "I'm not sure this is something to be proud of," another boy from his group muttered and they all started laughing again.

On their way back to their room, they heard some heated shouting match coming from another room in the boys' wing. They stopped and listened.

"Get out you perv, does it turn you on to look at our dicks?"

"What? No! Hey, get your hands off me!"

"Look at that boner, I bet you're gay and like taking cocks up your arse, you little fairy."

Suddenly the door opened and a boy was pushed out of the room. He was beet-red and covering himself with his hands, wearing nothing but his underwear.

John and the others all stared at him, no one knowing what to say.

The boy started hammering on the door. "Guys, it's not funny, there's other people out here, let me back in."

His roommates laughed and someone opened the door again. The boy dashed back in and there was some more shouting until the situation simmered down.

"Wow, really glad I'm not in that room," Brian commented dryly.

"So, is he actually gay Johnny?" Larry asked casually after they had returned to their room.

John gave him a surprised look. "How would I know, mate?"

Larry shrugged. "Umm, I just thought...well can't you sense that or something?"

John chuckled, shaking his head. "Look, I can't sense that any more than you can sense straight girls. Sometimes I have a hunch but most of the time it's just a guessing game."

"Huh," Larry replied. "By the way, what is it always with people saying disgusting shit like gays enjoy taking cocks up their arses? Where does that even come from?"

John cleared his throat, intertwining his fingers. He'd never felt ashamed about this before, but suddenly, he did. He was just glad that the other three had already gone downstairs to have lunch. "Mate, look, when I asked you if you wanted to know the details, you said no. Maybe we should leave it at that."

Larry's eyes grew big. "Wait, so when Ian said that...he meant...? Whoa."

Suddenly John got hit by a wave of sadness. He still missed Ian. Would he find another boyfriend where he was living now? Would the guy treat him well? John felt another sting of pain in his heart, this time mixed with a bit of jealousy.

There was something special about having your first time with someone, it was something that would always stay with you. He had bawled his eyes out for weeks after Ian had told him that he and his parents were going to move away. John had begged him to tell his parents about their relationship, hoping it might change their minds. But Ian hadn't been brave enough *, so in their eyes John had never been anything more than a friend to their son. And even though it had broken John's heart, he had respected Ian's decision.

He hadn't given his body to another person since, at least not like that. John hated how the expression on Larry's face made him feel ashamed, like he had done something really dirty or kinky when he and Ian had actually just made love. Back then, when Larry had asked him about it, he had told him that doing it with a guy was feeling different. And it was true. And then again, it was not at all. Not when he felt like he was becoming one with the other person for a few blissful moments.

John tried to find the right words to describe to Larry what it was really like but they eluded him, so he just turned his head away, looking anywhere else but at Larry.

Larry sensed that this seemed to be a sensitive topic and that he'd been treating it like anything but that. "Sorry mate, I shouldn't have brought it up," he mumbled.

John took a deep breath, pushing the memory of Ian to the back of his mind. "Well, I'm sorry you brought it up right before lunch, but that's your problem now." Then he forced a grin on his face.

Larry got up, obviously relieved to escape the situation.

Their conversation hadn't done anything to spoil Larry's appetite. John, however, just kept poking at his food, moving it around on the plate while not actually eating anything.

"Hey, what is it Johnny?" Gary asked.

" 'tis nothin'," John mumbled.

"Is it because we lost at water volleyball?"

John looked up. "What? You think I'm sulking because we lost at some stupid sports game? Who do you take me for, mate?"

After the others had finished lunch, they checked out the rest of the hostel. They played dart and a few board gamed until it was time to go to bed. John gave Larry a questioning look, then he hesitantly lay down next to him, leaving as much space as possible between them.

None of them was actually tired yet, so Annie suggested to play a few rounds of truth or dare.

"Look, you know what happens if anyone of us gets caught outside of their own bed, so I guess it's gonna be just truth," John pointed out. He really didn't feel up for any more trouble that day.

"Alright Brian," Annie started, "what was your first impression of me?"

"Umm, I don't know? That you were a girl?"

Annie laughed. "Wow Brian, really deep thoughts."

They played for a bit and their questions started getting bolder.

"Alright, here's one for all of you," Gary announced. "Would you try kissing someone of your own gender? Aside from a dare I mean, just out of curiosity."

"Yeah, why not," Annie replied.

The boys stayed silent. "Why is it that girls can do that with each other and no one thinks anything of it but as soon as it's two blokes it's automatically a big deal?" Larry asked.

"Well, I don't know, but I mean, it kinda is," Brian answered. "I wouldn't do it. No offense Johnny."

"None taken, mate." And John really wasn't taking any. If anything, Brian practically apologizing to him for not wanting to try kissing a bloke was amusing and John would have laughed if he had been in a better mood.

"Alright, so since that question didn't make any sense for you Johnny, may I ask you another one?" Gary asked.

"Sure," John replied.

"I've been wondering," Gary started hesitantly, "what's your biggest turn-on? I mean, it can't be anything gender-specific, so...?"

John thought about it for a few seconds, sensing Larry's gaze lingering on him. "Well, there's a lot of things, but in the end it all comes down to the other person being into it."

"Wait, but what's your turn-on then?" Brian asked.

"Come on, he's told you enough," Larry interrupted him. John gave his mate a surprised glance, not used to Larry being this protective of him. He really had to feel bad about their previous conversation. John looked back at Brian. "That is my turn-on, mate."

Brian was confused. "So you're turned on by doing whatever the other person tells you to do?"

Larry looked at John like he'd just had some kind of epiphany. "Oh, that makes sense then," he mumbled.

John firmly shook his head. "No mates, that's not what I meant."

"It's okay, you know. I think I understand," Larry whispered for only John to hear.

John shot him a bewildered look. Great, not only did Larry think he was a kinky bastard now, he also thought that he liked being dominated. Besides, John was probably just learning things about his mate that he'd never wanted to know.

"It's not like that," he repeated. "It's not about any kind of power imbalance – even though I might be inclined to try that if someone asks nicely." He gave his mates a wink before he continued. "No, it's actually more about two beings enjoying the same thing. Making another person have a good time, regardless of what that time may exactly look like, to share this moment with each other...it gives me a good time."

"Johnny, that's incredibly sweet," Annie replied softly, clearly in awe.

"Shut up!" John shot her a death glare and she could practically see his walls go up. Next to expressing one's sympathy for him, calling John 'sweet' or 'cute' was the second best thing to make sure he would immediately start acting like he was anything but that.

It was John's turn to ask someone a question but he just stretched and jawned, making it clear that he was done playing.

The others soon drifted off to sleep but neither Larry nor John could seem to find a comfortable position. They hadn't asked each other a single question during the game.

"Hey Johnny?" Larry whispered so quietly that even if any one of the others had still been awake, they wouldn't have been able to hear him.

"Hm?" John was still leaving as much space between him and Larry as possible.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to judge and I definitely didn't mean to hurt you."

John turned around. "It's fine, mate. You are allowed to feel however you are feeling about this."

For a moment, none of them said anything. "So, how did you two even decide which one of you had to do it? Did you draw the short straw or something?" Larry gave John a small smirk, not at all unkind, playfully nudging his shoulder. The situation was strangely intimate and John liked his mate's humorous approach at this.

"Yeah," he replied with a chuckle. "Usually we played rock-paper-scissors and the loser...well."

Larry laughed. "Really?!"

"No, mate. And not every gay guy likes it."

"But you do?" Larry inquired hesitantly.

John nodded. "Well, of course only with the right person, under the right circumstances, when I'm in the right mood..."

"I see," Larry replied quietly. "So you're playing the girl part to show your partner how much you love him? You endure it because you like seeing your boyfriend enjoying it, which makes it a good experience for you as well?"

John chuckled. "I don't endure it, mate. Bloody hell, you're making it sound like it's consensual rape."

Larry winced. "No, no, I didn't mean to say that! It's just...I don't know, isn't that really degrading?"

John frowned. The thought had never crossed his mind and it had surely never felt that way. "Look, mate, when you're doing it with a girl, do you feel like you're degrading her? And please don't say 'yes' because then I might have to reconsider our friendship."

"No, no, of course not," Larry replied quickly. "But this is different..."

"How?" John asked calmly. He surely would never have expected to have this kind of conversation with Larry, especially not with just a few inches of space between them. And yet more surprisingly, it wasn't half as awkward as he would have expected it to be.

Larry glanced at him. "You know how. A girl can get an orgasm from that while you probably just feel like you gotta take a dump."

John smirked. "Well, I'd be lying if I told you it didn't feel like that at all. In fact, it really does feel like you're gonna lose complete control of your bodily functions at one point. But you know what happens if you give in to it?"

Larry actually looked a little concerned. "Umm, do I wanna know?"

John gave him a reassuring smile and answered, "You come. Not like a boy but like a girl."

Larry stared at him in confusion. "What's the difference?"

John's grin turned smug. "Waves mate. You come in waves. It starts down there, inside of you, and spreads through all of your body, every movement of your partner is giving you another wave and it goes on and on forever until you feel like you can't take it anymore." John felt really happy that he could finally share this knowledge with someone else, because for months he'd been feeling like he'd discovered some amazing secret that he wasn't allowed to tell anyone else about.

Larry's jaw dropped. "Come on, now you're just trying to wind me up?!"

John's grin grew even wider. "No mate, I swear that I'm not," he replied sincerely.

Larry shot him an incredulous look. "Alright, so let's assume I believe you...when you decided to give in to that sensation for the first time, weren't you incredibly paranoid that..?"

John remembered how Ian had managed to hit an especially good spot during their first time and how it had made him squirt all over the towel. It had felt so good, he just hadn't been able to help it, even when he had realized what was going on. Ian had reacted incredibly well by telling him that he took it as a compliment and that John should just relax and enjoy the pleasure. Thinking back to that evening made John smile.

"Well, I guess when you're with the right person, there's no reason to be afraid of anything," he replied. "And if you feel like you're not, well, then you probably shouldn't be doing those kinds of things anyways." Then John fell silent as he got caught up in memories that were both beautiful and painful at the same time.

"Thank you for trusting me enough to share this," Larry whispered quietly. "You still miss him don't you?"

John turned on his back and quietly stared at the ceiling.

Larry turned his head so that he could look at John. "Wanna sneak out and get hammered?"

"Nah, let's wait 'til Friday when we all go out. But thanks anyways, mate." John rearranged himself, closing the space between him and his friend.

Relieved that they had worked things out between them, Larry spread the blanket over both of them.

"Hey Larry?" John asked after a short pause.

"Yeah?"

"Remind me not to ever spray you with girls' deodorant again when I'm sharin' a bed with you."

Larry chuckled. "What, you don't like me smelling of cherry?"

On their last day of the class trip they were allowed to stay out a little longer than usual and it was an open secret that almost the entire class was going to a bar that evening.

The barkeeper was actually willing to ignore that they technically weren't old enough to even be at a bar, an information that was always passed down from one generation of students to the next.

John bribed an older guy to buy them drinks and soon, none of their little group of friends could exactly be called sober anymore. Yet there was something different about the way John got drunk. He didn't drink because it was part of a social activity but rather just because his goal was getting hammered as fast as possible.

Soon he started flirting with pretty much anyone who was at the bar, or maybe, he was just overly friendly, his mates weren't quite sure.

"Hey Johnny, you're so drunk, you can't even tell boys from girls anymore," one of their classmates giggled and John's friends just awkwardly stared at each other, not knowing if sober John would have wanted them to support or stop his drunken self. Thankfully, the boy John had started talking to just laughed and waved it off, and John quickly turned around to chat up some girl instead.

When Larry had to stop John from walking behind the counter to help himself to another drink, he decided that it was time to go. He grabbed John by the arm and lead him out of the bar. John didn't resist.

"I jus' hope s'meone rememberss the way back, 'cause I ssurely don't," John slurred and they all giggled drunkenly.

After about half an hour of walking, John stopped right in the middle of the street to give Larry a long, firm and completely unexpected hug. Thankfully, the road wasn't frequented by any cars that evening. Larry was surprised but he just accepted the hug, raising his eyebrows at the others. Then John proceeded with the rest of his mates, giving them exactly the same deeply heartfelt hug.

"I'm really gonna miss you all," he whispered as he hugged Annie. Apparently, the cold air of the night had at least helped with the slurred speech.

Larry gave him a surprised look. "What are you talking about Johnny? No one is going anywhere."

John started to look really sad. "We're graduating school next year. Then I'm gonna move to London...and I'll say that I'll keep in touch but we all know that I won't." His voice had taken on a bitter tone.

He wasn't gonna stay in Liverpool, he couldn't. Moving to London would allow Cheryl to finally be free as well. John knew that he was the only reason Cheryl was staying with their father, even though John was barely coming home these days. He hated to leave her alone with him, but every time he actually showed up, he only made it worse. So being around as little as possible was actually the kindest thing he could do. Still, Cheryl refused to move out because she was afraid of what would happen if it would be just John and their father, and frankly, John was too.

John looked up at his mates. "I just have to get out of that little shithole where they tell the girls to yell 'fire' instead of 'help' because that's how little people around here care about others."

Annie gently returned his hug. "Look Johnny, Gary and I actually thought about moving to London as well to study there. Us three could share a flat, what do you say?"

John hesitated, giving Gary a questioning look.

"Yeah, I mean, it's not a hundred procent certain yet, but I would really like that," Gary replied honestly.

"Great, just move away and leave us alone," Larry commented but there was no real heat to it.

"Don't worry, I'll make them stay in touch with us, whether they want to or not," Brian assured him with a wink.

John gave him a smile. Then he shrugged. "Alright let's move here." He looked over to where a prostitute was arguing with a drunken client. "And then we'll come to realize that London is simply another kind of shithole, just a little bigger."

Larry followed John's gaze. "Oh, come on, she chose this, Johnny."

John firmly shook his head and stared his friend right in the eye. "No one ever chooses this life, Larry. Not really. Even if they don't know it themselves."

They kept walking and after some time they passed by a trailer painted with flowers, peace symbols and rainbows. In front of it was sitting a group of hippies, all with long hair, dressed in loose, colorful clothes. The hippies were singing some sort of song that none of them recognized, and a girl was playing the guitar.

Suddenly, the guy sitting next to the girl gave her a quick kiss, jumped up and walked over to John and his mates. He took a look at John's outfit and started dancing up to him. Out of the five of them he had obviously deemed John the easiest one to convince, and he wasn't wrong, John was just about the right level of drunk to join him in his dance. The other hippies clapped and cheered them on as the two of them made up some completely random choreography.

When they had reached the end of the street, the other boy grabbed John's hand, leading him into a twirl. Then he grinned, immitated a bow, and stuck a flower into John's hair. Without another word he turned around and ran back the street to rejoin his friends.

John gently rolled the flower between his fingers for a moment until he put it back into his hair. He smiled. "Huh, seems like maybe London's not that much of a shithole after all."

When they had made it back to the hostel, they left it to Annie to tell the teachers the five of them were back, because she was the one least drunk out of them.

As Annie returned, John got up and grabbed her by the arm, trying to lead her out of the room. Larry gave her a questioning look, silently asking her if she wanted him to stop their mate. Annie grinned and shook her head. "It's alright, I just wanna see what he's up to."

Then she followed John like he was some kind of wild animal that she was studying. Brian shrugged and exchanged an amused glance with Larry.

After about half an hour, Annie returned. She was laughing so hard that she was having tears running down her face. Larry jumped up, a little bit concerned as he spotted her tears. "What is it Annie?!"

Annie needed a minute to compose herself until she could finally answer. "Have you ever seen somebody making pancakes with just their shirt on while performing "I Got Life" from Hair?! Well, turns out he knows all the words to that song..."

Larry started laughing as well. "Alright, time to retrieve our newly converted hippie."

"Oh, could you at least let him finish the pancakes?" Gary asked hopefully.

Larry chuckled. "We'll see what we can do, mate."

They found John blissfully asleep on the kitchen floor, a plate with a neat stack of pancakes next to him. Annie quickly did the washing up and put the kitchen utensils in some random cupboards while Larry was waking up John and got him to put on his pants. Thankfully, John didn't try to pursue his career as a broadway singer, so they could make it back their room without anyone noticing.

John took a look at the plate in Annie's hands and his eyes went wide. "Bugger me, someone made us pancakes!" He sounded so genuinely surprised that his friends errupted into laughter.

"I'd rather not" Larry replied with a chuckle, reaching for a pancake.

In his drunken state John needed a moment to get the innuendo. "Well, your loss then, mate." He loved how Larry was so fine with this by now that he was actually cracking jokes about it. Sure, it had taken him a little time and a lot of (at times rather interesting) questions, but in the end, he was not only accepting but also incredibly comfortable with it, which was more than John could ever have asked for.

Chapter Text

John and Ian had been together for two weeks when Ian finally decided to bring his boyfriend over and introduce him to his parents. Of course, only as a friend. Not really because he wanted John to meet them, but since the two of them couldn't stay at John's either, their options were somewhat limited.

"Mum, dad, this is John," Ian said as he lead John into the living room. They were both staring at him like they had just seen a ghost and for a moment, John was wondering if he hadn't gotten the memo that Ian had changed his mind and decided to tell his parents the truth about their relationship after all. Not that John would have minded.

He raised a hand and gave them a little wave, not exactly shy, because he never was, but definitely a bit confused.

Ian's mum sensed his confusion and gave him a smile. "Don't worry, it's just that Ian hasn't brought a male friend home since kindergarten." Then she looked at her son. "Ian, why did you never tell us about John before?"

Back when John's first girlfriend had introduced him to her strictly catholic parents (after they had slept with each other) John had been quite sure that it couldn't get any more awkward than that. Well, as it turned out, he had been wrong. Or at least, this was a very close second.

Ian shrugged and avoided her gaze. "Well, he's from another school and we only met recently at a party," he mumbled and actually started blushing.

Great, if you keep acting like that, you might just as well tell them already, John thought, trying to ignore how his own heart instantly picked up its pace at the sight of that cute blush. He looked at Ian's parents again and for a few seconds, he was sure that they knew. They just had to. The way Ian looked at him was so bloody obvious and John himself probably wasn't doing that much better.

However, they seemed to be completely oblivious. John and Ian's father discovered that they were both fans of the FC Liverpool and while John was glad that his boyfriend's father seemed to like him, he couldn't help but sense the unspoken rift between Ian and his dad.

"Hey dad," Ian asked after a while, "would it be alright if I brought John on our trip to Rome?"

His father shrugged. "Sure, why not? It'll be nice for you to have a male friend around for a change, might be a good influence on you."

John's eyes grew wide and he stared at his boyfriend.

"Uh, of course only if you want to come," Ian added quickly. "Don't worry, the plane tickets are already booked. We were planning on bringing my grandma, but she caught a cold. Nothing serious, her sister is taking good care of her. Anyways, now we got one spare ticket, so...?"

"Yes!" John replied instantly. "Yes, of course I want to come!" He had never been to another country before and the thought of traveling together with his boyfriend made him feel incredibly happy and excited. He had to stop himself from hugging Ian right then and there.

Back when John had been a child, going on a holiday had meant to set up a moldy tent together with Cheryl in the nearby woods after clearing the place of shards, trash and used needles, and hoping not to step into vomit or shit the next morning.

One time a man had tried to lure three-year-old John away from their campsite by telling him he had a kitten in his trunk that he wanted to give to John. And John, young, stupid, and never having owned a cool toy, let alone a pet in his short life, had been about to follow him when Cheryl had run up to them and pulled John away. When John had struggled against her grip she had slapped him (probably because the five-year-old had seen their father do it so many times) and given him the scolding of his life. It had been the only time Cheryl had ever been physically violent with him.

John had been mad at her for almost a week for not letting him have that kitten. It had only been years later when it had dawned on him that Cheryl had probably saved his life that day. They had never talked about it ever again.

While most of his male classmates were constantly fighting with their older sisters, John and Cheryl had never had the typical older-sister/younger-brother sibling dynamic. The two of them had realized very early on that the only thing that could have made their lives even worse would have been to turn against each other. They were united by the fear of their father's outbursts, by the need to cover for each other, and by the fact that they had required a minimum of affection and social interaction as kids, often only provided by each other.

Cheryl had taught him everything he needed to know: How to make breakfast when all there was left were scraps, how to use the washing machine without getting an electric shock (John had later been surprised to find out that washing machines usally didn't have that many exposed wires), how to read their father's moods in order to know when it was especially important to avoid him, and, last but not least, to always have enough water bottles in his room (both full and empty) in case their father would decide to lock John up in his room for an indefinite amount of time.

In return, John had never questioned Cheryl's big sister authority, even though he was questioning almost everyone else's.

Cheryl had also let him sleep in her bed whenever their father had beaten him up since John had often been nothing more than a violently shivering mess after those completely unprompted outbursts, unable to find any sleep for hours. His sister had been the one holding him and they had cried together, until one day their father had found out and given six-year-old John a second beating that had made him truly fear for his life while accusing him of things he had been too young to even understand back then. Ever since that awful day he had never shared a bed with Cheryl again, no matter how many beatings he took or what sorts of hellish nightmares were haunting him.

Still, John was convinced that the affection Cheryl had shown towards him in his early years was probably the only thing that had kept him from becoming a complete sociopath (even though the manipulative tendencies were definitely there).

Even when their father had tried to turn them against each other by occasionally taking Cheryl out to a nearby fast food restaurant and buying her some new toys while John had to stay at home, he had not managed to break their bond. John had been a very bright kid from quite an early age, even though almost none of his teachers would ever notice it. He had immediately seen through their father's plan and just played along by pretending to be upset and jealous of his sister, ensuring that their father would continue to spoil her.

What their father didn't know was that Cheryl would always sneak John a few chicken nuggets and let him play with her new toys. John didn't mind that they were girls' toys because he could still play cops-and-robbers with the dolls or build them cars from cardboard.

So of course, John had told his sister about the trip and Cheryl had helped John get some of his things out of the house without their father noticing.
She had told him to take good care and reminded him not to let Ian's parents know about his relationship with their son during the trip because she didn't want John to get abandoned in Rome. John had promised her as he had definitely seen her point there.

Finally, the day had come and Ian's parents collected John and drove to the airport. Both boys were giddy with excitement as they entered the plane. Of course, they had to hold back from flirting and staring at each other for too long during the flight, which resulted in some very weird fabricated dialogues to fill the silence.

When they had reached their destination, all four of them unpacked their things at record speed and John and Ian rented bikes to explore the city on their own. As John was waiting for Ian to get ready, he tried out a few stunts (probably to impress his boyfriend) and, of course, eventually ended up face first in the dirt. He cursed heartily, brushed off the dirt and then picked up his bike.

"See Ian, that's how a real boy should behave!"

John hadn't realized that Ian's father had been watching him and instantly regretted acting the way he had. Ian appeared to be far less fazed by his father' comment then John though, and John figured that this wasn't the first time his boyfriend had to listen to something like that.

After about an hour of riding their bikes they stopped to explore the city on foot. Ian's parents had headed into the opposite direction, so the risk of running into them was practically bordering on zero.
John slowly reached for Ian's hand but Ian quickly pulled it away, biting his lip.
"Come on, no one knows us around here." John reached for his hand again and this time, Ian hesitantly took it.

It didn't take long until a group of guys started insulting them. They didn't even speak English but they still managed to get their point across. At first John was too surprised to even come up with an answer. It wasn't like he couldn't deal with the fallout of deliberately annoying others, it was just that if he had tried to provoke them, he would have done more than just holding hands. When the next insult was thrown at them by a different group of people (this time actually in English) John was prepared and he gave as good as he got, but after three more incidents Ian was literally begging him to stop holding his hand, and John had to accept that this was neither romantic nor would it actually get any better with time if they just pulled through.

At that moment John realized that being allowed to show public displays of affection was in fact a privilege that he had never really appreciated before whenever he'd been with a girl.


After strolling the city for a couple of hours they passed by a small Italian restaurant. The smell of food coming from the inside instantly made their mouths water and John stopped.

Ian raised his hands and took a step back, shaking his head. "Johnny, I really don't think that's a good idea..."

John pulled out a coin. "Come on, we just let fate decide, what do you say? Heads, we go in there and see if they'll serve us, tails, we don't."

Ian sighed but the expectant look John gave him left him with no choice but to agree, even though he was still feeling kind of nervous about it. Of course, 'fate' made the coin show heads and John grinned triumphantly. He grabbed Ian by the arm and pulled him inside the restaurant. Then he asked the waitress for a table for two like it was the most normal thing in the world. Ian admired John's confidence, yet the situation was more than just a little uncomfortable for him. He felt like every single person in the restaurant was staring at them and his throat instantly tightened.

"Relax mate," John muttered as they were lead up to a table, not in an attempt to make it sound like they were just friends but simply because he tended to address almost everyone as that, sometimes even his own boyfriend. When Ian had pointed it out to him, John had threatened to call him 'my love' which had effectively stopped any complaining on Ian's part.

They sat down and Ian noticed that his hands had started to get sweaty, so he was hiding them in his lap, still avoiding to look at the waitress or any of the other guests.
They were handed the menu which was written in Italian and John tried to translate it for Ian by relying on his Latin. It only got him so far and they could have asked for an English version but it was just more fun that way. Ian eventually chose Lasagna and John ended up with some sort of pasta with meatballs. The food was really delicious but Ian could barely eat anything, he was just too nervous.

"Oh that's so good, you just gotta try this!" John picked up a meatball with his fork and held it out to Ian. He was completely oblivious to the fact that his boyfriend actually had to force himself to keep eating at this point.

Ian took the fork from John's hand before anyone could notice the rather intimate gesture. "Umm, yeah, it's really good," he mumbled absently, quickly passing the fork back to John.

Suddenly Ian jumped up and stormed out of the restaurant. John gave him a surprised look, left some cash on the table and ran after him. He found Ian bent over a trash can, retching and shivering.

"Hey mate, are you alright?" John asked, placing a hand on Ian's shoulder.

"It's nothing, I...I just tend to be sick whenever I feel nervous. Should have seen me before writing an exam in primary school..." Ian gave him a weak smile. Then he started to look sad as he glanced back at the restaurant. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled, avoiding John's gaze.

"Look, if you wanted to feed the fish, the beach is over there," John said in an attempt to lighten up the mood. Then he turned around to see the owner of the restaurant walking up to them.

"Oh great..." Ian looked like he was about cry.

John instinctively moved in front of his boyfriend to protect him from whatever the owner would accuse them of. "What is it?" he asked harshly.

The owner of the restaurant, a brunette woman in her early thirties, stopped abruptly. "Excuse me, I just wanted to ask if anything was wrong with the food." She had a melodious Italian accent and the look she gave them wasn't hostile at all. In fact she seemed genuinely concerned about Ian.

John cleared his throat and took a calming breath.

"No, no, sorry, the food was really good," Ian replied quickly, placing one hand lightly on John's arm in a subconscious gesture. "I just had a little panic attack, that's all."

"Do you want me to pack up the rest of your food so you can eat it at a more quiet place?" the woman asked empathetically.

Ian smiled. "Yes, that would be really nice. Sorry again, I really didn't mean to leave without paying." He started to reach for his purse.

"Oh, that isn't neccessary, your b-..." she stopped for a second, looking back and forth between the two of them, "...your friend has already payed for the two of you."

Ian glanced at John and then back at the woman. He quickly made sure that no one else could hear him before he whispered, "He's my boyfriend."

John's face lit up like a christmas tree. It was the first time Ian had ever referred to John as that in front of anyone.

They found themselves a quiet place between two large rocks on the beach where they could finish eating their food without anyone watching them. Both of them had taken off their shoes and Ian was digging one foot into the sand. "Hey Johnny?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?" John swallowed a mouthful of pasta.

"Do you sometimes wish I was a girl?"

John almost choked on his pasta. "No, why would I ever wish for that?! Yes, I can also fall in love with girls, we've talked about that, but look, I'm in love with you. Just you."

Ian quickly shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. Do you sometimes wish I was a girl so that our relationship could be seen as...normal? So that we wouldn't have to go through all of that trouble all the time?" He cast his eyes down.

John chuckled. "Look, if you were a girl, I would surely find some other way to get us into trouble. And besides, being with a girl doesn't automatically mean that you don't have to hide the relationship from her parents, I'm speaking from expecience here."

Ian looked up, hesitantly meeting his eyes. "So you really don't mind?"

John swallowed another mouthful of pasta. "What, that you don't just magically turn into a girl every time we're in public? Yes, I am sorely disappointed, you really should have warned me."

Ian stuck out his tongue, but he looked genuinely relieved. Suddenly a cold breeze washed over them and Ian, who was wearing just a t-shirt, wrapped his arms around himself and started shivering. John noticed it. He quickly took off his leather jacket and put it around his boyfriend.

On their entire way back Ian couldn't stop smiling. Of course, none of the other people they passed were aware that it wasn't his jacket, but Ian knew and that was enough.

The room Ian's parents were sleeping in was just across from theirs and Ian was incredibly paranoid that they would come in without knocking. Still, he was also a fifteen-year-old boy, sharing a room with his boyfriend of three weeks who he couldn't show any physical affection to during the day, so he kept switching between giving John a quick peck and straining his ears for any sounds coming from the hallway.

John was a very patient boyfriend and he knew that Ian had never been with anyone before. He definitely wouldn't try to make him take any steps that he wasn't willing to take on his own, but the way Ian pulled away every time he was about to melt into the touch was really starting to border on torture. John's whole body was aching for physical contact. He wanted to feel Ian's skin against his own, inhale his scent (which was currently a wonderful mixture of sun and saltwater) and just know that he was his.

It could have been funny if it had been a game and Ian had been deliberately teasing him. However, with Ian being so tense, none of them was really able to enjoy it.

"Look, I really don't expect you to do anything you don't feel comfortable with," John said after Ian had pulled away for what felt like the hundredth time. "I'm gonna get to my own bed."

Ian held him back by placing a hand on his arm. "No, please...I really want this. It's just, I'm also really afraid that they might catch us." Then he took a deep breath, leaned in and allowed himself to give John a real kiss, not just some quick peck. John's lips responded instantly and he could feel Ian's carefully maintained self-control crumble away like the sandcastle they had built earlier on the beach that day.

"Sod it, Johnny, come here," Ian murmured against his lips as he pulled him closer, spreading his blanket over both of them. It turned out that kissing in a treehouse during the day and kissing in a bed in some dark room under a blanket were two completely different things.

Little shivers were running down both their spines and Ian actually had to pull away to catch his breath. He rearranged himself and as he leaned in again, he accidentally ended up not only brushing against John's soft lips but also against another part of his boyfriend that wasn't soft at all. "Oh, sorry," he mumbled, instantly shifting to give John his space. They hadn't made it to that base yet.

"It's fine, just keep kissing me," John whispered urgently, one hand clenching around the sheets.

Ian grinned. "Are you begging me, Johnny?"

"No," John replied with what definitely sounded like a whimper, causing them both to chuckle softly.

Ian turned onto his back and grinned. "Come and get your kiss then."

John didn't have to be told twice. He got up on his hands and knees and crawled on top of Ian without letting their bodies touch. Then he leaned down to press his face into the crook of Ian's neck, trailing gentle kisses across his skin. John let his lips travel up Ian's neck, taking his sweet time to enjoy the way he could make his boyfriend's breath hitch every time he made contact with his skin. Ian had started fidgeting, but not in an attempt to get away from him, so John continued his path until he finally let his lips meet Ian's in a long, passionate kiss. The fidgeting increased until it stopped abruptly.

John pulled away. "Is everything alright?" he asked gently.

Ian brought his lips up close to John's ear. "I think I just might have creamed my pants." He gave John a grin that was half coy, half cocky, and John felt his knees go weak at that grin (and at that whispered confession).

Ian slipped one of his fingers past his own waistband as if he couldn't quite believe it himself. The finger was glistening with wetness as he held it out to John. He let out an embarrassed chuckle. "Uh, yeah, looks like I really did."

Before John knew what he was doing he had put his lips around Ian's finger and started sucking at it.

"Johnny..." Ian made a muffeled sound and wrapped his other arm tightly around John's waist, pushing their bodies together so that they could feel each other through their clothes.

Neither of them said another word because Ian was too shy and John's mouth was otherwise occupied. The room was completely silent, safe for a few soft sucking noises and their heavy breathing.

It didn't take long until both of them went rigid at almost exactly the same moment (in Ian's case for the second time within less than two minutes, bless being fifteen years old).

They still didn't talk afterwards because neither of them wanted to destroy the moment. After a few minutes of cuddling John forced himself to get up and retreat to his own bed before he could accidentally fall asleep in Ian's, which would, without a doubt, have happened within the next five minutes. As he lay down, he could still sense Ian's smile from all across the room.

On their next day, they went to explore the city. They came across a large square where a colorful variety of street artists had assembled, among them quite a few magicians.

They stopped and watched them, until Ian asked John if it would be alright if he went into a nearby shop to look for some clothes. John just nodded, his eyes transfixed on one of the street magicians. He was good, but not notably better than the others, yet something about him had caught John's eye.

He positioned himself closer to the man while Ian headed for the shop. John started to wonder if maybe it was possible that...? But how could he know for sure? It wasn't like he could just walk up to the man and ask him something along the lines of "Excuse me Sir, are you by any chance a real magician?", at least not without sounding like he was short of a marble.

Then John had an idea. The street magician was standing in front of a deserted alley, so John slowly walked up to him, caught his gaze, and then stepped into the alley, making sure the man's attention wasn't leaving him. The street magician had interrupted his performance as there weren't that many people around anyways. He gave John a questioning look.

John recalled a spell from Annie's book, the only one he actually knew how to cast. He had translated it during a sleepover at Annie's when he hadn't been able to fall asleep. It was actually just the first step of some kind of ritual, and while John really wasn't keen on experiencing another incident like the one he'd been witnessing together with Annie, the spell on its own had sounded harmless enough.

John had tried it a couple of times when he had been alone in the woods where no one had been able to watch him.

After a moment of hesitation, John put his hands together so that they were forming a bowl and concentrated. For about two seconds the smallest spark was forming in the palm of his right hand.

The street magician looked at him and said something in quick Italian that John wasn't able to understand. Then he fully turned around so that no one except John could see what he was doing. He put his hands together in the same gesture as John and suddenly, there was an orb of light forming between his hands. It was really bright, about the size of a walnut and lasted until the man put his hands down again.

John's jar dropped and the other man laughed.

"How...how did you do that?!" John managed to ask after a few seconds. The man replied something in Italian.

John stared at him. "Quid...quid dicis?*" he asked in what was not only not Italian but also probably incorrect Latin, but John was just grasping at straws, he was willing to try anything right now.

The other man gave him a mild smile and John wasn't sure if he had understood his words or not. Then he reached for a piece of paper and quickly started writing something down. Once he was done he handed the note to John.

John tried to think of the Italian word for 'Thank you' when he was interrupted by Ian's voice. "Hey Johnny, don't tell me he just gave you his number, he's far too old for you!"

"I was just asking for directions," John explained and quickly held up the note for Ian to see. He was sure that Ian couldn't read the Italian words either, and even though his boyfriend was joking, he didn't want Ian to have any doubts about him.

On their way back, the note was burning a hole in John's pocket and he couldn't wait until he would get the chance to translate it. Once they had returned to their holiday home, John grabbed a dictionary and a pen, and retreated to the bathroom. He sat down, his back against the door, and started translating. It took him quite a bit of time, even though it weren't that many words. When he was done, he stared at the four sentences:

Focus on the spot right behind your forehead, don't look at your hands.

The energy can't be forced unless you pay for it.

Don't use your own energy.

Good luck!

John closed his eyes and formed a bowl with his hands. He recalled the spell from Annie's book, trying to heed the newly given pieces of advice. Casting the spell always felt like he was trying to hold water in his hands, except that he couldn't even see (and barely feel) the water.

A few seconds passed. John concentrated, then he allowed himself a quick peek. The spark seemed to last a little longer. He kept trying but he just couldn't seem to make the energy stay where he wanted it to be, at least not to the desired extent.

The energy can't be forced. Instead of mentally squeezing it, John tried to coax it. The spark turned a little brighter but it didn't grow into a sphere like John had been hoping for.

The energy can't be forced unless you pay for it. How did one pay for it? What could the energy even want from him?

John absently began picking at a scab at his knee. He had gotten a few scratches from his little bike stunt the other day, but they didn't hurt and he had already forgotten about them. John stopped when a small drop of blood ran down his leg and fell down on the floor. He would clean it up later.

John sighed and put his hands together in order to try casting the spell for one last time. Suddenly, there was a sizzling noise and the room seemed to be much brighter than it had been just a few seconds ago, John could sense it even through his closed eyelids. His eyes flew open to find that there was a light orb so big that it was almost completely filling out the space between his hands.

John stared at it, his heart beating in his throat. He had no idea why the spell was suddenly working but it obviously, undeniably was.

The light orb was warming his hands, almost in a comforting, kind of friendly way. Like it wanted to say 'You're not alone, I'm here with you.' It was beautiful. John spent the next twenty minutes just marveling at it, until he was interrupted by Ian knocking at the door.

"Johnny, it's been almost an hour, have you died in there? Seriously, are you alright?"

John quickly put down his hands and in a matter of seconds the light grew weaker until it disappeared completely. As he was about to get up, he remembered that he still had to clean up the drop of blood. He looked down at the floor, only to find that the drop had disappeared. Instead, there was the smallest bit of dark powder and John curiously ran his finger through it. It looked and smelled like ash, and suddenly everything fell into place. He no longer needed to coax the energy...he could control it. The realization filled him with excitement and something else.

"Johnny, please say something, I'm really starting to get worried."

John quickly got up and opened the door. Ian abruptly took a step back and gave him a look that John couldn't quite place.

"You look different, Johnny."

John quickly glanced at the mirror to make sure the spell hadn't somehow changed his appearance and he was relieved to find that it had not. "Different how?" he asked, giving his boyfriend a questioning look.

"I don't know, for a second there you looked just really determined, like you were willing to kill anyone who would get in your way," Ian replied hesitantly. John raised his eyebrows. Then they both started laughing and just like that the tense moment was over.

"Alright, let's just take a quick shower and then get to bed," Ian suggested.

John gave him a smug grin, looking completely like himself again. "Together?" he asked innocently.

Ian gave him a gentle nudge in the ribs. "You know we can't do that, Johnny," he replied, biting his lip as a blush started creeping up on his face.

That little blush made John instantly forget about the light orb and his grin grew even wider. "Ooh, somebody would like to take a shower with me," he teased. Ian's attempts of denying it were quickly stopped as John hugged him from behind and started placing a trail of small kisses on his neck. Ian's head lolled back and John could hear his breathing quicken.

"Oh, how much you'd like that," John whispered and Ian could hear the smirk in his voice. Then John slid his hands under his boyfriend's shirt, letting his fingertips travel over Ian's ribs while his lips moved to kiss him right on that soft spot behind the ear. The soft touches sent goosebumps all over Ian's skin.

"Johnny, we can't...," he panted, making absolutely no attempt to pull away from John.

"Relax, I know. But I can still imagine, riiight?" John's hands kept exploring his boyfriend's torso as he was dragging out the word.

Ian forced himself to open his eyes, deliberately taking a few deep breaths. "Johnny..." His protest (which at that point might as well have been just praise) was again stifled by John's lips that seemed to be everywhere and nowhere all at once, and it was driving him crazy.

John chuckled quietly and finally stopped touching Ian. Then he started to undress, stopping mid-movement to give his boyfriend an amused look. He was completely aware that he hadn't even given Ian the chance to leave the room. "What? I'm gonna take a shower, just like you suggested." He suggestively wriggled his eyebrows.

"Dammit, Johnny!" Ian laughed and turned to leave the room, unsuccessfully trying to keep himself from staring at John's exposed skin.

Once John was finished he changed into his nightclothes and returned to their room so Ian could take a shower as well. He lay down on his bed and began thinking about that light orb spell again when suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by Ian calling his name. Ian's parents weren't back yet, so John just raised his voice to shout over to him. "What is it mate?"
"I forgot my towel in our room, could you please get it for me?"
John grinned and jumped up from his bed. "On my way!"

John opened the bathroom door but instead of just handing Ian the towel, he held it up so that he couldn't see anything Ian didn't want him to see and then just wrapped it around his boyfriend. For a moment time seemed to stand completely still and they just looked at each other, both their hair still damp from the shower, John in his nightclothes and Ian practically naked under the towel, standing just inches apart from each other with John's arms still kind of wrapped around Ian.

"Oh, that's hot," Ian blurted out and pulled John into the bathroom.

John grinned and started right where he had left off, only that he was standing in front of Ian this time. He put his lips against Ian's shoulders and Ian gradually pulled off the towel to give John better access. At one point John glanced down to see that the towel had started forming a very obvious tent. He smirked.

Ian gave him a look that held all the insecurities of a fifteen-year-old boy who was about to get naked around his partner for the very first time. John knew that look (and the feeling behind it). He was familiar with it, even though he always kept hiding behind false swagger and bravado whenever he was with a new partner, until his act finally turned into real confidence.

"You're absolutely perfect," John murmured against Ian's shoulder.

Ian flashed him a shy smile, then he quickly cast down his eyes. "You're just saying that because you want to see me naked."

"Nah, we can switch off the lights so I don't get to see anything, if you prefer it," John replied smoothly, fully prepared for the nudge he received for it.

Ian chuckled as John started nuzzling his neck. "No, but really Johnny, that's just not fair. You're wearing your nightclothes while I'm all exposed and..."
John grabbed him by his shoulders, playfully pushing him against the bathroom door and keeping him there at arm's length without breaking eye-contact. "Oh, so your problem is that I'm still wearing my clothes? Well..." John's hands left Ian's shoulders to fumble with his own shirt.

"Johnny..." Ian started giggling. John stopped, raising his eyebrows at his boyfriend in an unspoken question.

Ian swallowed. "Umm, I didn't say 'stop'," he whispered after a short pause, inspired by John's confidence. A pleasant shiver ran down John's spine as he started taking off his shirt, leaving him in only his pyjama pants. Then he leaned in to give Ian a slow and teasing kiss. He had expected Ian to return the kiss. What he hadn't expected though was that Ian would not only do that, but actually turn off the lights and press himself flush against John, wrapping the towel around both of them. John took a step forward so that Ian's back made contact with the bathroom door once again, and gently started rocking his hips against Ian's. Ian instantly buried his face in the crook of John's neck to keep himself from making any noises.

"Do you like that?" John whispered, partly because he wanted Ian to know that he could stop this at any time if he should have any doubts about it, but also because he just enjoyed teasing him. He could feel Ian nod against his neck.

"T-this is s-so hot," Ian breathed shakily. "Hey, Johnny?"

"Hm?" John wrapped his arms around Ian's neck so that he could look him in the eye, slowing the pace of his hips.

The moment they locked eyes it became clear that Ian wasn't going to say another word. Instead, he just stared deeply into John's eyes as his hips picked up their pace. The room was just bright enough for them to make out each other's faces and John's gaze never left Ian's, not even for a second. Everything about the situation was incredibly intimate.

A small smile played around John's lips as he watched Ian get close and then go over the edge. There was something just so inherently pure and honest about that moment that it made John want to cry. It was magic of a different kind.

"Alright, come on," Ian grabbed John's hand and pulled him towards their room after he had wiped himself clean and gotten dressed in his nightclothes.

John slipped under his blanket, expecting Ian to go to bed as well. Sure, he was still turned on as heck since he hadn't gotten a chance to finish because he'd been so focused on giving Ian a good time. But it was fine, he was more than happy with how the evening had proceeded. So John was a little surprised when Ian sat down on the edge of his bed and started running his fingers through John's hair. John closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.

"You know, my parents aren't back yet," Ian whispered and John could practically hear the suggestive grin in his voice. John's eyes flew open and he gave his boyfriend a questioning look.

"Move over," Ian said and John did so quickly that he got tangled up in the sheets. They both laughed as John struggled to get free. Then Ian quickly settled in next to him and, without any signs of doubt or hesitation, he started spooning John.

John hummed contentedly. He hadn't known that something as simple as this could make him feel so cherished and protected. With his girlfriends it had always been him spooning them, just because it had made more sense that way. Ian started kissing his neck and, as it went on, John had to stop himself from sliding his hand down between his own legs. When he truly felt like he couldn't take it anymore, Ian's hand suddenly started moving lower, making John's heart beat so loud he was convinced that Ian could hear it.

His boyfriend's hand came to rest right above his bellybutton and John suppressed the urge to push it just a little lower. He still hadn't put his shirt back on, so Ian's hand was warm, so, so warm and inviting against his naked skin. For what seemed like an eternity to John (but was actually just about ten seconds) they just lay there. Then Ian took a deep breath. "May I touch you?" he whispered.

John's answer was a slight nod, followed by a soft moan as he could feel a spurt of precum seep into his pyjama pants at the mere thought of feeling Ian's hand down there.

Ian chuckled quietly. "Okay, just know that I've never done anything like this before, to someone else I mean, so maybe I'm not gonna be good at it and..." As he kept rambling on, he gently slipped his hand into John's pyjama pants. John's hips instantly jerked forward.

Ian's touch was gentle, hesitant at first, but after a few minutes of exploring it turned more confident. It was absolutely perfect, not because of some skilled technique but simply because it was Ian.

"Quick, cover my mouth, I don't think I can keep this quiet," John demanded suddenly, not trusting himself anymore at this point.

"Oh wow, you're really close, aren't you?" Ian asked, sounding genuinely surprised and flattered. He had merely given him a few proper strokes when John's whole body started convulsing, and Ian quickly covered his boyfriend's mouth.

For some reason, Ian's hand on his mouth made John writhe and thrash even harder as he came all over Ian's (other) hand and the blanket while screaming out his pleasure. He couldn't have kept quiet even if he'd tried, his orgasm was just so forceful, rolling over him while all he could do was hang on for the ride. His noises were muffled by Ian's hand, but still, they weren't even remotely quiet and they were both really glad that Ian's parents weren't back yet.

Once John had caught his breath, he took a look at the mess he'd made and groaned. "Well, about wishing one of us was a girl..."

Ian just laughed and kissed him on his forehead.

Chapter Text

John shifted on Ian's couch, trying to ignore the constant stream of thoughts running through his head. Thoughts of how they would kiss each other and how things would proceed from there until...well. John's gaze traveled over to Ian's bed where his boyfriend was probably wrestling with exactly the same kinds of thoughts. It had been so long since Ian's parents had gone out. Having discovered how good sex with each other felt like and yet not being able to have it was frustrating, to say the least.

John hadn't known that the need for physical pleasure could actually get so intense that it would feel like he was starving. His teenage brain just didn't seem able to focus on anything else lately and he had already been about to suggest they'd just go to some abandoned park at night and do it there (but he had always stopped himself in time before he could actually utter those thoughts because he felt like Ian deserved better than that). The increasing and ever-present need was both annoying and humiliating. He shifted again and glanced at the clock. 2:00 AM. Great.

"Hey Johnny?" Ian asked from across the room.

"Yeah?"

"Can't fall asleep either?"

"No."

"Are you thinking of...?"

"Yeah."

Ian sighed. "Yeah, me too." There was a short pause until Ian continued speaking. "You know, if we'd be really quiet, maybe...I mean, it's in the middle of the night, my parents are certainly fast asleep by now, so..." His voice trailed off.

John's heart instantly picked up its pace. "Mate, I'm not the one that needs convincing here," he replied and sat up on the couch to look at his boyfriend in a silent question.

Ian carefully considered the idea. "But we'd have to be really, really quiet."

"Is that a 'yes'?"

Ian swallowed. "Yes."

Within five seconds John was over in his boyfriend's bed and the two of them were heavily making out. They had to force themselves to slow down though because no matter how much they were both wanting this, they still had to take the time for preparation.

About thirty minutes later they were both in absolute heaven. They did their best to keep the moaning to a minimum and be as quiet as they possibly could, but there was only so much they could do as their pleasure started to coil hotter and hotter.

Unfortunately, fate didn't seem to be on their side that day. When they both were almost there, the door to Ian's room was suddenly opened by his mum. Ian had decided not to lock it because it would have seemed even more suspicious and besides, it was the middle of the night so they really hadn't expected to get caught at all.

For two long seconds Ian's mum just stared at them and the two boys stared back like two deer in the headlights. There was absolutely no doubt about what they were doing with John on all fours and Ian firmly gripping his hips from behind, both completely naked and sweaty.

Ian's mum looked absolutely shocked and quickly slammed the door shut. As soon as Ian was able to move again he pulled out and got dressed as quickly as possible. John followed his example.

"Shit, I'm so screwed!" Ian looked like he was about to cry. Acting on pure instinct, John wrapped his arms around his boyfriend in order to comfort him, but Ian just pushed him away.

"Calm down, alright, let's go out there and talk to her," John suggested, even though it was honestly the last thing he wanted to do at that moment.

Ian firmly shook his head. "No Johnny...could you please just leave?"

John took a deep breath, ignoring the stab of pain that came with those words. "Are you sure?"

Ian nodded without meeting his gaze. "Yes, I'll give you a sign if you can come back, okay? Or I'll meet you outside, depending on whether or not they kick me out." Now there were definitely tears glistening in his eyes.

"Okay," John replied quietly and started to climb out the window and down the rainwater pipe (again, bless being fifteen years old).

John stood outside and looked up to the open window, straining his ears for any sounds. He felt absolutely miserable for getting his boyfriend into trouble like that. If Ian would even be his boyfriend after that night... John kicked the dirt with his shoe, his hands clenched into fists.

Up in his room, Ian sat down on the bed, hugging his knees to his chest while staring at the door. He knew that his mother would come back to talk to him sooner or later, there was absolutely no way in hell she would just let this slide. And he was right, about a few minutes later there was a knock at his door. Great, now she could knock.

Ian cleared his throat. "Come in," he choked out.

His mother stepped in. With a disapproving look she noticed that John had already snuck out. She didn't say a word. Instead, she just stood there looking at her son with what seemed like equal parts sadness and disappointment.

Two silent tears ran down Ian's cheeks. They kept coming as the silence stretched, until Ian couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I'm so incredibly sorry!"

Outside the house John listened to his boyfriend's words and it felt like his heart had just been sliced with a knife. If Ian honestly regretted what the two of them had been doing... John turned around and headed for the street. The next bus would go at six in the morning. It would be a long walk home and the night was cold. John sighed and turned up the collar of his studded leather jacket, which he had thankfully managed to grab before leaving.

"Please believe me, I'm so, so sorry! But...I'm in love with him."

John stopped dead in his tracks.

Ian's mother gave her son a long, sad look, still not uttering a single word. Ian swallowed hard. "Does...does that mean that you don't love me anymore?" His voice was sounding really small.

Suddenly his mother walked over to his bed, sat down beside him and pulled him into a tight, completely unexpected hug. It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off Ian's shoulders and he started sobbing again, this time with relief. "Will you tell dad?" he asked after a while, nervously picking at the seam of his shirt.

"No, I won't if you don't you want me to." His mother still sounded very sad.

Ian took a deep breath, bracing himself for the answer to his next question. "Um, why are you so sad?"

Ian's mother heaved a deep sigh. "Because I don't want that life for you. It will be so much harder that way and...it's dangerous."

Ian raised his eyebrows.

"I watch the news, you now," his mother explained quietly. Then she looked up and briefly met her son's eyes. "Do you want me to take you to a doctor?" she asked gently.

"What?" Ian gave her a confused stare.

"You know, you could talk to someone, a professional, maybe we can get you some help."

Ian's hands clenched around the blanket as the words sunk in. "You mean, talk to someone who would try and make me fall in love with a girl? Mum, I'm in love with John and, believe it or not, it feels right. Look, we were already together when we travelled to Rome. And yes, people will make disgusting comments if they see two blokes holding hands in public, but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me just because they don't like who I fall in love with. There's nothing wrong about this." Ian glanced up at his mum. "... Is there?" he asked after a short pause, his voice hesitant and small.

Ian's mother took a deep breath and openly met his gaze. "I don't know, son. According to the bible it's a sin and until one year ago it was even considered to be a crime. If you're asking me...I really don't know," she replied honestly. "What does being in love with him feel like?"

"Well, every time he looks into my eyes, my heart starts beating really fast. No matter how bad my day has been, if he gives me so much as one tiny smile, I instantly forget all about it and instead I start feeling like I'm the happiest person on earth. And also the luckiest. He's my first thought when I wake up and the last one when I go to bed..." Ian's face visibly lit up as he kept talking.

"And how does John feel about you?" Ian's mother asked cautiously. "After all, he left as soon as he thought the two of you might get into trouble."

Ian vehemently shook his head. "No, I asked him to leave, he actually suggested talking to you about this."

"And he feels exactly the same way about your son as your son does about him!" John piped up from his spot under the window.

Ian laughed. "Oh yeah, well, I told him to wait outside. May he come back in?"

Ian's mum got up from the bed to peek out the window, and she couldn't help but faintly smile to herself as she saw the other boy standing outside, hugging himself against the cold. "Yes John, come back in," she called.

A few seconds later, John climbed back in through Ian's window like it was the normal way to enter a house and Ian's mum couldn't stop herself from smiling yet again.

Once John was inside, he sat down next to Ian, giving Ian's mother a polite nod (because contrary to popular belief, he did know how to be polite when he wanted to be). Facing her again just a few minutes after she had seen him and her son under, uh, different circumstances was kind of awkward, but John just swallowed his pride and calmly returned her gaze. In terms of her liking him, he also felt that it was rather beneficial that at least her son had been the one buggering him instead of the other way around. Even though it technically didn't make a difference in any type of consensual situation, he could sense that in her mind it made him seem less of a threat to her son.

John gave her his best innocent smile.

Ian's mother stood in front of the bed, looking down at the boys. Her expression grew serious. "Alright, I really hope you two at least used a condom." She was cutting right to the chase. Obviously, she had gotten over the first shock of her son being in love (and having enthusiastic sex) with another bloke.

"Yes," John and Ian mumbled in unison, both staring at the ground.

"Good." Ian's mother seemed relieved. "Even though you're both technically still one year below the legal age of consent."

Ian rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on mum, it's just one year. More like a few months, actually."

His mother sighed. "Well, at least you can't get each other pregnant."

"Yes, exactly, look at the bright side of things." Ian beamed at her.

"Careful young man, this is still very thin ice! Besides, you've both earned yourselves a trip to the sexual health clinic tomorrow morning where they will have you tested for STDs."

Both boys groaned.

"Seriously, just because we're two blokes? So not fair," Ian muttered.

His mother flashed him the sweetest smile. "Look at the bright side of things, at least they won't have you tested for pregnancy."

John chuckled. "Sorry mate, but that one goes to your mum."

Ian's mother gave John a quick wink and John felt like she was actually starting to like him.

"Alright boys, any questions? You are allowed to ask me anything you want to know, and I really mean that."

"Just one," John replied to Ian's surprise. "If both our test results come back negative, will we be allowed to...?"

Ian's mother sighed and took a few seconds to think about it. "Well, I would say 'no' but I'm not under the illusion that I could actually keep the two of you from doing it. And I absolutely wouldn't want you two to secretly meet at some public place with poor hygiene in the middle of the night, so...yes. But don't you think what you did there was a little, uh, extreme? Especially at your age? How did you even come up with the idea?"

John and Ian looked at each other and shrugged. Then Ian started talking. "I don't know, we just liked the idea. And when we tried it, it felt good. Like, really good." Ian blushed.

"Does John feel the same way about this?" Ian's mother asked sternly, directing the question at her son.

"Um, yes mum," Ian replied, looking down in embarassment because the way she had phrased her question indicated that she was more concerned about John's consent than Ian's at that point and it reminded him of exactly how much she had seen earlier.

His mother looked at John. "Do you, John?"

John nodded emphatically, a small grin playing around his lips. That little grin was the one thing that eventually convinced Ian's mother that John was indeed telling the truth and that the boys' actions had been completely consensual.

"Alright boys, promise me you will always make sure that both of you are okay with whatever you are doing. Don't pressure each other and never let yourself be pressured into anything you don't feel comfortable with." She looked back and forth between her son and John as both boys nodded. "And by all means, be careful and try not to hurt each other. But in case anything happens, you can always come to me. I promise you won't get in trouble and that I won't judge. Okay?"

Both boys nodded for the second time.

"Great, now get to bed, we've got a trip to the health clinic ahead of us tomorrow."

John and Ian sighed but at the same time they felt incredibly relieved. There could have been much worse outcomes to that night.

Chapter Text

"Beauty school? Really Johnny??" Annie gave him a wide-eyed stare and after a moment, she shook her head and laughed.
John just shrugged.
Gary grabbed Annie by the arm, leading her a few feet away from John. "Listen, I know it's rather unconventional for a bloke to go to beauty school, but don't you think we owe it to Johnny to support him? I mean, he's our friend and if it's really his passion... Look, even though he'd never let it show, don't you think being laughed at for just being himself is exactly what he's scared of? He didn't choose what he's into anymore than you did."

Gary was surprised as Annie just kept shaking her head as she turned back at John.
"Johnny, trust me, you really don't want to spend the next fourty years doing other people's hair and make up. How did you even get the idea, did you just write down every type of job you know and blindly picked one?"

"Hey, stop making fun of him," Gary intervened. "Johnny, don't listen to her, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go to beauty school. Annie, why would you say something like that? I really thought you were his friend." Gary was sounding genuinely offended for their mate.

"I am," Annie replied confidently. "Johnny, name one thing that makes you passionate about beauty school and I'll never lose another word about it ever again."
"Umm..."
"See?!" Annie shot them both a triumphant look.

John just gave another shrug. "Well, at least I'll be able to pay my share of the rent. No hard physical work and I'll get to be around beautiful girls all day, who would say no to that?“ he added with a wink. Besides, the utterly disgusted look on his father's face when he'd told him had been absolutely worth it.

Now it was Gary's turn to look surprised.
"Yeah, sorry mate, but thanks anyways for defending me like that." Johnny gave him an apologizing smile that failed to look convincing.
Gary's jaw dropped.

Annie grew serious. "But Johnny, don't you think you should do something that you're actually feeling passionate about?"
"Don't worry luv, I'll be fine," John replied and there was something about the tone of his voice and the look he gave her that really made Annie believe him.

And indeed, every time that John came home to their shared flat, there was a sparkle in his eyes that wasn't present when he left in the morning. He seemed to be more alive than ever.

"I never would have thought it possible, but enrolling in beauty school really was the right choice for you, wasn't it?" Annie asked one day while she was cooking dinner for the three of them.
"Huh?" John asked, carelessly throwing his bag into a corner and brushing glitter off his shirt. "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's going splendidly." He snatched a warm potato wedge off the baking plate.

Annie caught his wrist in mid-movement. "Johnny, what happened to your hand? Your fingers look like they've been burned!"
"Chemical burns, hair bleaching gone wrong," John replied automatically, pulling his hand from her grip to snatch another potato wedge.
Annie took a step back to fully look at him. "Who are you and what have you done to my friend? Seriously, you get up at 6:00 AM and come home when it starts getting dark, and I never heard you complain about it, not even when your fingers look like they've been torturing you."

"Well, what can I say luv, I think I have actually found my passion," John replied with a smug smirk.

When they were all gathered around the table John looked down at his fingers and started smiling to himself. He honestly had never felt more happy in his life. Even though admittedly it didn't have that much to do with going to beauty school. Beauty school was a necessary nuisance to pay his share of the rent and besides, it really could have been worse. Being one of three boys in their class guaranteed him a lot of lenience from both his fellow students and his teachers. What really made John get up early without complaining and put that sparkle in his eyes when he returned to their flat in the evening was something else though. Or rather someone else.

His name was Jasper Winters. He was in his third year of beauty school, handsome bloke with actual talent for cosmetology, but that wasn't what had caught John's attention. Jasper was not only talented in cosmetology but also in magic. They had met at a bar in London where Jasper had tried to impress a girl with his magic tricks. At the time John had already been able to spot the use of real magic from a mile away, so ever since that night he had started following Jasper around like a lost puppy. Even his decision to enroll in beauty school had been solely based on the fact that it would get him closer to the other bloke.
A few girls from his class had even taken John aside at one point and told him that Jasper wasn't into boys while giving him sympathetic looks. Of course, John hadn't been able to give them the real reason why he had practically glued himself to Jasper and they just kept assuming that John was hopelessly in love with a straight bloke who would never reciprocate his feelings. To everyone's surprise however, Jasper eventually started hanging out with John almost every day after beauty school.

It was safe to say that John had never studied this hard in his life before. Well, not at beauty school, at beauty school he was just...there. Once he was over at Jasper's though, he was listening with rapt attention to everything that Jasper told him, taking in as much knowledge as he possibly could.
Once Jasper was sure that John was really there for the magic (and just for the magic), he agreed to teaching him everything he knew and John came to realize that he had indeed found his true passion. Introducing Jasper to his mates was not an option (because Jasper wasn't comfortable with them assuming he'd date their (male) friend), so John just pretended that beauty school took up a lot more time than it actually did.

John's gaze focused on his hand again. He really started to get a good grip on that fire spell. That other spell to protect his hand from the magic flames could still use a little work though, but he'd get there eventually. Knowing that, combined with the sense that he was learning things that almost no one else could do, made the pain in his fingers fade into nothing but a dull sensation lingering in the background. It was almost sweet.

Aside from the part where he learned actual magic, John's life wasn't all that different from any other young adult's.

The floor was littered with dirty clothes and John was sitting on the floor, carelessly stuffing everything he could grab into the laundry bag, when Gary came home. He surprisedly raised his eyebrows at the scene and went straight to Annie's room.
"Wow, how did you get him to do the laundry?"
Annie shrugged. "Screamed at him for like ten minutes, the usual. You're lucky he was home first, it's both your clothes, you know."
John appeared in the doorframe, making a triumphant sound while holding up a red bra. "Look at that, it's your stuff too, luv!"
Annie took a look at the bra, smirked and shook her head. "Nope, not mine Johnny, it's probably from one of your dates!"
John dropped the bra in exaggerated disappointment while Gary just gave them both an bewildered look. "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one finding this awkward," he muttered to himself.
John rolled his eyes. "Come on Gary, you're at college and that's just a piece of clothing. I think it really is about time that we finally get you a girlfriend."
Gary raised his hands in defense and fled the room while John and Annie both laughed.

"Oh, almost forgot to tell you, next week I'm gonna be babysitting," Annie said after she had stopped laughing.
John raised his eyebrows. "And you're telling me this because...?"
"Well, the children will be here in our flat." Annie avoided his gaze.

"Marvelous!" John commented dryly, looking anything but thrilled.
Annie sighed. "So it would be really great if you would refrain from cursing or shagging anyone during that time."
John pretended to look offended, but after a moment his face lit up. "Guess that means you're doing the laundry then."
Annie heaved another sigh and nodded.

Gary, that smart bastard, had chosen to visit his parents during the weekend, leaving John alone with Annie and two children, a six-year-old girl and a three-year-old boy. John made a valid attempt to ignore the kids while Annie kept them entertained by baking cookies with them. Unfortunately, it resulted in a cookie dough fight and both children ended up with a sticky mess in their hair.

"Alright, let's get you cleaned up," Annie announced. The girl obediently followed her into the bathroom where Annie gave her a shower. The boy, however, just crossed his arms in front of his chest and vehemently shook his head, obviously refusing to go even near the bathroom.
Annie tried her best to coax him into the shower but the little guy just kept shaking his head. Then she tried being more stern by telling him he couldn't have any cookies if he wouldn't take a shower first. For a moment, the boy looked tempted, but eventually he just gave an indifferent shrug.

At that point John stopped listening and focused on the TV instead, until...

"Alright, you say you don't want me to give you a shower because I'm a girl, then my friend Johnny will give you one instead."

John's head snapped up and he stared at Annie.

The boy shot John a quick look. "Alright, whatever." With that, he walked into the bathroom.

John just tried pretending he didn't notice Annie's pleading look but eventually, he failed. With a muttered "you bloody owe me for that one" he got up and followed the boy.
John was surprised to find the boy sitting on the floor, his back against the wall and not looking like he was about to get into the shower anytime soon.
"Umm, are you gonna take that shower or not?" John asked awkwardly, silently cursing himself for getting into that kind of situation in the first place.

The boy glanced up at him. "Nope," he replied flatly.
John frowned. "But less then a minute ago you said..."
"Well, you just looked like you would care less than her."
John took a deep breath. His patience was quickly wearing thin. "Look, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way, I don't really care."
Just like that the little boy errupted into tears. John winced. He really wasn't good with children.
"Oh bollocks, I won't force you to take a shower, just stop crying already."
The boy glanced up at him through his dark lashes, eyes still glistening with tears.

"What's your problem anyways?" John asked a little gentler. The boy just pressed his lip together, causing John to sigh.
Then the boy reluctantly started speaking again. "C-could you maybe give me a shower while I'm in my clothes?"
John sensed his chance at negotiating with the little guy. "Look, if you want to keep on your pants, that's fine. Just take off your shirt and we're good to go."
The boy hesitated. He pulled up his shirt by just an inch, but then he stopped. John took a look at the inch of exposed skin and froze. There were red, angry burn marks covering the boy's torso, burn marks that could only be created by one thing. Cigarettes, deliberately put out on someone's skin.
Out of a sudden, John felt very numb and he fell completely silent. As if in trance, he slowly started lifting his own shirt. His skin didn't give anything away until John ran his hand over his chest, causing the dot-shaped scars to stand out white against his lightly tanned skin.

The boy's eyes grew wide. "How did you get these?" he whispered.
"You know how," John replied quietly. "That's just what they look like when you grow older. They fade, the visible part at least..."
The boy jumped to his feet and stared up at John. "Promise me you won't tell Annie...or my parents." It wasn't a question. John pulled down his own shirt and met the boys gaze. He sat back on his knees so that their eyes were on the same level.
The boy looked worried, scared even, and John was all too familiar with the feeling. And suddenly, he felt a rush of anger. He was seventeen years old by know, he was living at a flat he payed for with his own money, bought his own food, and still he felt like there was nothing he could do to help this poor three-year-old boy. Nothing he could have done to help himself back then.

If it had been someone else instead of John, they would have probably reported child abuse to the authorities. But these were the sixties and child protective services weren't what they are today. Besides, John's twelve year old self had watched the reports about Westfield Children's Home in his hometown Liverpool that housed children from "disturbed" backgrounds. One of the housemasters had been found guilty of buggery (because the term "male rape" didn't even exist back then). John would never forget how the newspapers had quoted an official stating that the "already corrupted boys" had probably seduced the housemaster.

He remembered how back when he'd been that boy's age, his sister had been the only person in the world who had been important to him. How scared he had been that someone would come and take them away from their father if anyone would ever notice the abuse. They might have gotten separated, ended up in a children's home just like the one he had seen on the news. Living with their father had been terrible, but at least they'd had each other.

John lightly placed his hands on the boy's shoulders. "I won't tell anyone," he replied firmly and he could literally feel the boy shaking with relief.
"Now let's get that mess out of your hair, shall we?"
The boy took off his clothes and John gave him a quick shower without commenting on any of his scars or bruises.

When they were done, John held him back. There was at least something he could do for the little guy. "Can you keep a secret?" he asked.
The boy nodded.
"What if I could give you a spot on your skin that would make your whole body go numb when you press at it so that you wouldn't have to feel any pain. Would you like that?"
The boy frowned, trying to figure out if this was one of those shitty fairytales that his nanny sometimes told him. Like the scented spray that was supposed to keep nightmares away but was in fact just water mixed with perfume. Needless to say, it never worked. "Could you really do that?" he asked quietly.
John nodded slowly. "Just tell me where."

The boy pointed at his wrist and John gently took the boy's hand. He couldn't help but notice how small it was against his own. "Hold still, okay?"
Then John closed his eyes and started mumbling words of a language unknown to the boy. John's eyes rolled back into his head, his body went rigid and he exhaled sharply.
"Are you alright?" the boy asked, voice full of concern.
John looked like his mind had traveled to a place very far away and like he was only ever so slowly returning to the here and now. He blinked for a few times, then he nodded. "Now press the spot and pinch yourself," he instructed the boy.
The boy did as he was told and he stared at John with an incredulous expression. "It...works?!"
John grinned and nodded. "Of course it does. But keep in mind that your body might still get hurt, even when you don't feel it. And remember that whoever did this," he gestured at the boy's torso that was now covered by a shirt, "to you will expect you to feel pain. So act like you do feel it or they will hurt you even worse."

"I will." The boy gave him a genuine smile. "Thank you so much!"

"Yeah, yeah, now get back to Annie and don't talk about it to anyone."

About a month later

They were having a movie night at their flat and all three of them were huddled under a blanket on the sofa. John turned around to reach for the popcorn. "Oh, by the way Annie, have you heard anything from the little boy that you've been babysitting a few weeks ago?"
Annie froze, then she suddenly started crying. "He killed himself," she sobbed. "I didn't want to tell you because...whatever, h-he cut his own throat with one of those extremely blunt knives especially made for children, it must have taken several minutes, no one knows how he could keep going despite the pain." She buried her head in her hands and continued sobbing.

John's face turned pale as a sheet. Without uttering a word, he got up and quickly left their flat.

Chapter Text

"Slumber party at Larry's, wooo!" Brian jumped down from the pickup truck, grabbed his sleeping bag and stormed inside. "Have fun, Brian!" his mum called after him as she handed Larry's mum the rest of her son's belongings.

Gary arrived a few minutes later, along with John and Annie as Gary's mum had collected all three of them. Larry's mum stared at them, or more specifically, at Annie. "Larry?!" she called.

Larry appeared in the doorframe. "Yeah?"

"You didn't tell me one of your slumber party guests was a girl!"

"Uh, yeah, one of my party guests is a girl, what's the matter?" Larry asked innocently, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Larry's mum looked at Annie. "Are your parents even okay with that?"

Annie nodded shyly. "But I can leave if you want me to," she offered quickly.

"No mum, she's our friend and I invited her over, you can't just send her away!" Larry gave his mum a pleading look.

Larry's mum sighed. "Alright, I'll go prepare the guest room."

Larry rolled his eyes but eventually, he nodded. At least Annie was allowed to stay, they would figure the rest out later.

They brought all of their stuff up into Larry's room and the boys started fighting over the best spots to put their sleeping bags. Once they were all settled, they spend the rest of the day playing the usual games like can knockdown, hit the pot and taboo. When it started to get dark they all went outside to play hide and seek with catch. The street was filled with their giggles and laughter and they all had a lot of fun.

John enjoyed those moments probably even more than any of the others because it was one of the few precious occasions when he actually got to have a normal childhood. He didn't start out as the cynical loner that he would become later in life. On the contrary, despite never letting his mates know about his past and his terrible situation at home, he did start out as a quite sociable kid who was perfectly capable of maintaining friendships. Probably even more so because he didn't have anyone who cared about him at home except for his sister Cheryl. By finding friends John was sort of creating a safety net for himself, in case he couldn't come home due to yet another one of his father's drunken fits of rage.

Still, it wasn't like eleven-year-old-John was purposefully making friends for that specific reason. He wasn't manipulative like that (yet). He was just a young boy who really liked having friends and wanted to spend a good time with them. John would also always try to keep his mates from having a falling out because he feared that one of them might leave their group.

"Ha, finally got you!" John panted, slapping Brian on his shoulder. Brian lay down on the street and laughed. Once he had caught his breath, John grabbed him by his jacket and lead them to their "prison" in the garage where the others were already waiting.

Larry jumped to his feet. "Great, let's get inside, I'm hungry!" The others nodded and followed him into the kitchen. About half an hour later they were all high on junk food and sugar, giggling about every stupid joke they could come up with.

Finally, they unrolled their sleeping bags and got settled in Larry's room, sort of hoping that Larry's mum had just forgotten about Annie. After they had finished watching a movie, however, Larry's mum opened the door and told Annie that it was time to grab her things and go to the other room. Annie bit her lip, got up and quietly followed Larry's mum downstairs. The guest room was in the cellar (carpeted and everything, but still) and Annie actually was a little scared, but she didn't want to let it show around the boys. Her resolve lasted for about fifteen minutes until she heard a loud crack (which was actually just the sound of a heating pipe, but young Annie couldn't know that). Within a matter of seconds she was back in Larry's room, telling the boys that she wanted to go home.

"Noooo!" The boys exclaimed disappointedly and Larry got up to get his mum.

"Pleeease, let Annie sleep here with us," he begged.

His mother frowned. "Why? You're all supposed to go to sleep now anyways and tomorrow morning you can have breakfast together, so what's the matter?"

"It's because..." Annie avoided her gaze, "well, the room is a little scary and I don't want to be alone," she finally blurted out.

John gave her a sympathetic look while Annie looked back and forth between John and Larry's mum. Then her face lit up as she got an idea. "Hey, can't I just share a room with Johnny?"

"Uh, no?! Why would you even suggest that?" Larry's mum was confused.

"Because he slept over at mine just yesterday, and is probably going to tomorrow as well – are you, Johnny?"

John smiled and nodded. He was glad about any night he wouldn't have to spend at his father's.

"See, so he can totally move to the guest room with me!" Annie concluded like it was the most logical decision to make.

"Wait, your mum actually allows that, Annie? That he has sleepovers at yours? In your room?"

"Yes," Annie replied with a hint of pride in her voice because she had such a cool and trusting mum. At first, John had only been allowed to come over during the day, but after Annie's mum had gotten to know him and seen how innocently the two of them were playing with each other, she had finally allowed him to stay during the night. After a little bit of hesitation she had finally accepted that this was apparently her daughter's best friend and while it was rather uncommon, she was glad that Annie had at least found herself a friend at all, especially after the other girls in her class had been so mean to her.

Larry's mum gave Annie a doubtful look. "Call her if you don't believe me," Annie demanded with newfound confidence.

"You know what, I will." With that, Larry's mum turned around and left the room.

The other boys stared at Annie who calmly returned their looks. "Relax, I was telling the truth," she answered their unspoken question.

"Wow, you've really got a cool mum, Annie," Larry said, causing Annie to smile.

After a few minutes, Larry's mother returned. "Well...and you're really sure you want to share the room with John?"

Larry sighed and gave his mum an impatient stare. "Mu-um, what Annie really wants is to stay in my room with the rest of us, like a normal sleepover. And since you won't let her do that, she at least wants to be with Johnny rather than completely alone, is that really that hard to understand?"

Annie nodded while Larry's mum turned to look at John. "John, are you okay with this as well?"

"Uh, sure," John replied. Of course, staying with the other boys would have been more fun but what kind of friend would that have made him? Besides, he already had a few ideas for the night. Smiling to himself, John grabbed his sleeping bag while Annie grabbed hers and together, they went to the guest room.

"Just so we're clear, the door stays open at all times, is that understood?" Larry's mum asked sternly.

"Oh my God, mum, please stop being so embarrassing in front of my friends!" Larry came running down the stairs and tried to pull his mum away, giving his mates an apologetic glance.

John had to look away. What he wouldn't have given to even have a mum who could embarrass him in front of his friends. He swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths to make his chest feel less tight. John hated how the pain would sometimes still hit him at completely unexpected moments and there was just nothing he could do about it.

"Look, now you've managed to embarrass Johnny," Larry accused his mother. John quickly waved it off and focused on helping Annie set up the air mattress. Larry's mum gave them one last stern look and left.

"Uh, see you two tomorrow then. Again, I'm so, so sorry about my mother..." Larry gave Annie a hug and John a fist bump, and then he went up the stairs.

John looked around the room. It didn't look anywhere nearly as cozy as Larry's room. There were some old wooden dolls sitting on the windowsill that were all staring at them with their cold, dead eyes and when John turned up the heating, the walls started cracking all around them like there were small goblins living in there. To make it even worse, one of the light bulbs wasn't working at all while the other one kept flickering at an irregular pattern so that the corners of the room were never fully lit.

"Creepy, huh?" Annie whispered.

"You think so? I've slept in scarier rooms," John lied. "Besides," he triumphantly held up a remote control, "we got something that the others don't!" He grinned and switched on the TV.

They sat down on their sleeping bags and watched Robot Wars, sound turned to the lowest possible setting so that Larry's mum wouldn't notice, and after Annie had taken down all of the dolls from the windowsill, they were actually starting to relax.

"Do you think the others are already asleep?" John whispered after a while. Annie glanced at the clock. "It's almost 2:00 am, I think they are."

John got up from his sleeping bag, giving Annie a mischievous grin. Annie knew her friend well enough to instantly understand what was going through his head. "Alright, what's the plan?"

"I'll show you, just follow my lead," John replied vaguely. Annie got up as well and together they started sneaking up the stairs, trying to muffle their giggles. They quietly opened the door to Larry's room where they found the other three boys fast asleep. John put a finger against his lips, carefully stepped inside the room and grabbed two of Larry's markers. He handed one to Annie and they started drawing on their mates' faces, almost choking with stifled laughter.

Finally, the other three boys woke up, saw John and Annie with the markers in their hands and all hell broke lose.

"Johnny, you bloody little shit, that was your plan, wasn't it?!" Larry shouted as they were rolling over the ground, wrestling each other while laughing hysterically. They fought for the marker until Larry finally managed to pin John underneath him and give his mate's face a makeover as well. Brian and Gary hesitated after grabbing Annie, who had stopped fighting almost immediately, but then Annie grinned and turned her face so that the boys could draw on her cheek.

Meanwhile, John had managed to get free and Larry chased him around the room. They ended up in Larry's bed where Larry pinned John down again, this time face-first into the pillow, holding him down with his weight. To his surprise, John discovered that he didn't mind at all, it actually even felt kind of nice, and, without really meaning to, he stopped fighting and relaxed. Sensing the tension leaving John's body, Larry got off of him, allowing his mate to turn around. "Are you alright, Johnny? I didn't hurt, did I?"

John turned around to give him a smug grin. "Nope." And with that, he knocked Larry off the bed. Their wrestling match would have surely continued for another few minutes if Larry's mum hadn't barged in at that point. "Are you all bloody mad?!" she asked. "What's up with all that noise, some people want to sleep at this hour, and you should too!" Then she got to take a look at their faces and John could see that she had to hide her smile from them. "Well, at least you all look very pretty," she commented ironically. "Now hush, go wash your faces and then off you go to your respective rooms."

Since they were not only high on junk food and soft drinks by now, but also well into that stage where they were being so tired that basically everything was funny, washing their faces turned into a full-on water fight and Larry ended up with having to borrow each of them a dry shirt from his wardrobe.

"Alright kids, either you go to sleep right now or I'm gonna wake your father!" Larry's mother called from across the hallway. With a little bit of delay John realized that he was the only one who had gone dead-silent at the supposed threat. Everyone else, including Larry, was still laughing quietly as they retreated to their rooms. "Are you alright?" Annie whispered because she had noticed John's sudden silence. John swallowed and forced a smile on his face. He knew it to be convincing because he'd had many occasions to try it on other people in the past. Far too many. "Sure," he replied lightly.

They walked down the stairs to the guest room. With all the fun upstairs they had almost forgotten how creepy that room was. John quickly grabbed the remote control and turned the TV back on because it would at least help illuminate the room. Unfortunately, Robot Wars had ended and the program had changed to a steady stream of commercials. Since these were the sixties, there weren't really that many other programs and they could choose between commercials, that certain other sort of commercials and still-picture.

"Ironic," John commented as he skipped through the second option and quickly decided on the first one. Annie, still at the "dead-tired and everything is hilarious"-stage giggled and pressed her head into the pillow. "If she would just let us sleep in Larry's room...but no, here were are, forced to watch half-naked women because the TV is the only thing able to properly light up this creepy room."

John turned around to grin at Annie. "Oh, does that mean you want me to switch back to the naked ladies again?" He didn't press the button (because that would have been just awkward for both of them), instead he just held up the remote control, successfully getting Annie to engage in a fight about it. Finally, John let Annie have the remote control and they stopped giggling.

"Hey Johnny?" Annie asked into the following silence.

"Yeah?"

"Can you imagine we will be adults one day?"

"Bloody hell, no," John replied. "What do you think we'll be like?" he added after a pause.

Annie stared at the ceiling. "I have absolutely no idea, but I hope we'll still be friends."

"Yeah, me too."

Annie looked around the room. "If you could make one wish and it would come true, what would it be?" she asked quickly, clearly trying to keep their conversation going so that she wouldn't have any time to wonder what might be lurking in the shadows or whether the doll to her right had just moved its head.

John bit his lip. He would have given anything to fix his family, make it whole again, but he couldn't tell Annie that. So he just told her the second best thing that came to his mind. "I'd lock away all of my fears in a box so I'd never have to be weak again." As soon as he had finished the sentence he regretted it, so he quickly put on a smile to weaken his words.

Annie gave him a surprised look. Then her expression turned serious. "Why would you think that you're weak, Johnny?" she asked with an unexpected gentleness.

John shrugged, gave her a fake-laugh and quickly started commenting on one of the commercials. Annie sighed inwardly. She knew her friend well enough to understand that he just wasn't the type to pour his heart out to her, no matter how hard she'd try. So instead, she rummaged through her bag to finally pull out a teenage magazine. She skipped through the pages until she had found what she'd been looking for. "Alright Johnny, tell me your zodiac sign."

John crossed his legs and absently traced the pattern on his blanket. At least it would make Annie forget about her previous question, so John decided that he might as well indulge her. "Taurus. I was born a few weeks early though, it actually should have been the first of June. I wonder what that would have made me."

Annie glanced down at her magazine. "Gemini."

John flinched. Great. Of course, that had to be his would-be zodiac sign.

Before John could stop her, Annie started reading. "Gemini is impulsive, curious and infectiously enthusiastic. People born under that sign are the social butterflies of the zodiac. They can talk to anyone about anything, there's never a boring moment while they're around, they bring joy and..."

Since Annie's eyes were trained on the magazine, she couldn't see how John's face had started to darken. He wanted to scream at her to stop, but all he could do was just sit there and think of the person that Annie was describing. The person who had never gotten to live. Because of him. They would have been identical twins. There were nights when John couldn't sleep because of the nagging feeling that something just wasn't right, that a part of his very soul was missing. During those nights, he would get up to stare at himself in the mirror for so long that it felt like the person in the mirror was staring back at him and John could pretend that it was his stillborn twin brother locking eyes with him. However, "he" would never look happy, there would always be a silent reproach in those pale blue eyes that just kept gazing back at him. And then those eyes would turn so sad that John always had to look away.

When he had been younger, he had sometimes looked up at the stars and whispered prayers to his brother, apologies for taking his life by strangling him with his own umbilical cord while they had been still in their mother's womb. He had started to imagine conversations with him like they would have been friends. Brothers. However, one night the nightmares had started. Nightmares in which his twin brother would accuse him of murder and then kill John in return by putting a rope around his neck while he watched the life drain from his eyes. They had John convinced that his brother, wherever his soul might rest, had not forgiven him.

"...Gemini is born with the knowledge of the duality of the human soul and is," at that point Annie started giggling. "...and is quite adventurous in bed," she finished.

"I'm gonna take a piss!" John jumped to his feet, his hands balled into fists. Before he could leave, however, there was a noise coming from the nearby woods that sounded like something was ripped into pieces and the heating pipes started creaking again. To make things even worse, the TV program had changed to show a dark blue still picture, allowing the impenetrable black shadows to creep up on them while the "open door rule" made them feel all the more exposed to anything that might crawl into their room.

"Oh, bloody hell!" John kicked his pillow in frustration and sat back down on his sleeping bag. "Are you okay?" Annie asked quietly.

"Hmm."

Annie pulled her knees up to her chest. "We could go together if you really need to go," she offered, even though she was clearly just as terrified as him.

"Nah, I'm fine," John replied and his anger started to dissolve, leaving him with just the emotional pain.

"Gods, I'm so tired," Annie groaned after a while.

"Do you want to go to sleep?" John asked quietly.

At that moment, there was a loud knock in the wall, a sudden gust of wind and something in the hallway started humming.

They looked at each other and instantly agreed that sleep wasn't going to be an option for the rest of that night. They moved the air mattress and their sleeping bags over to the other corner of the room so they could at least keep an eye at the open door. None of them even tried lying down anymore, and so they just sat there side by side, trying everything they could think of to keep themselves (and each other) awake.

When the sun started coming up, they both felt like survivors at the end of a horror movie. They went up the stairs, finally daring to use the loo. Since the guest room didn't even have a window, they just stayed in the hallway to watch the sunrise after they were done in the bathroom. Everything was so quiet, peaceful even, and despite being dead-tired, they could still appreciate the scenery.

Once the others got up, they all went to have breakfast. Larry's mum took a look at John and Annie whose heads kept dropping into their cereal bowls. She sighed. "I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to let you two share a room, look at you, you can barely keep your eyes open."

John couldn't help it, he just laughed ironically and muttered, "Yeah, sharing that creepy room was the problem here..."

"Huh?" Larry asked, giving his mate a surprised look.

"Uh, I mean Annie found it creepy and I had to comfort her," John hurried to explain, glad that Annie was too tired (or maybe just too nice) to correct him.

After breakfast Annie's mum came to collect both her daughter and John. It was a very quiet car ride. "Are you two alright?" Annie's mum asked, giving them a concerned look.

"T'was great..." Annie mumbled sleepily, eyes already closed.

"Wait, did you two get any sleep at all?"

They both just groaned while trying to shield their eyes against the bright light, which made Annie's mum laugh. "Yeah, definitely sounds like a successful slumber party!"

Chapter Text

It was Saturday morning and Annie, Gary and John were having breakfast at their shared flat.

"So, any plans for the weekend, anyone?" Annie asked.

"Uh, I'll leave in a bit, probably won't be home until Monday morning, so don't wait up for me," John replied, avoiding his mate's disappointed looks.

"You're hardly ever around lately and you keep skipping band meetings of the punk band you founded and which I am a part of, mind you. Don't you like us anymore?" Gary had meant it to sound like joke but it came out rather serious.

John spooned the cornflakes around in his bowl without actually eating them. He gave an inward sigh before slowly lifting his head. He knew that he had to tell his mates eventually, at least if he didn't want them to think that he had suddenly stopped caring about them. "Look, I, um..."

"You, um, what?" Annie asked, not used to seeing her friend struggle to find his words like this. John was usually rather upfront, no matter the topic, so she suspected it had to be something really serious.

John started to draw a pattern into his cornflake mush. "You know Linda from beauty school?"

"Yeah, she visited a few times when you two studied for exams. What about her?" Annie had obviously no idea where this was going to go.

"I'm dating her," John admitted hesitantly.

Annie raised her eyebrows. "Aaand?" She had watched John freely date people of both genders over the years and never, not once, had he not been smug about it. "Oh shit, you're planning on moving out!" she suddenly concluded.

John dropped his spoon into the bowl. "What? No, I'm absolutely not! You don't get rid of me that easily, luv." He gave Annie a reassuring smile but it couldn't hide that he was still feeling tense.

"What is it then?" she asked.

"Oh no, did you get her pregnant?!" Gary piped up.

John's jaw dropped. "Mate, no...enough with the assumptions, both of you!"

"Well, we would't have to rely on assumptions if you just told us what's up," Annie retorted.

John swallowed and tried to keep himself from fidgeting. After admitting to also liking boys about two years ago he really hadn't thought there would still be any date-related topic left that could make him feel nervous around his mates. Obviously, he had thought wrong.

"Whatever, you two will probably judge me anyways, so..." He took a deep breath. "I'm dating her boyfriend as well."

For about five seconds the room was absolutely silent. Then Annie started speaking. "Wait, she has a boyfriend? Which you are dating?? Johnny, you can't just... You'll destroy their relationship if, when one of them finds out. Seriously, would you like your partner to cheat on you like that? That's going to end in so much heartbreak, how can you be so selfish?!"

Gary had remained silent, but from the looks of it, he agreed with Annie.

John quickly raised his hands in defense and moved his chair a few inches away because Annie looked like she was going to dump her bowl of cereal over his head at any second. "No, no, it's not like that," he hurried to explain. "They're not...cheating. They love each other. It's just, uh, they love me as well."

Annie shook her head. "Johnny, a secret fling is not love and the fact that they're both doing it doesn't make it any better."

John lifted his head and and openly met her gaze, the hint of a smug grin starting to play around his lips. "No. A secret fling would indeed not count as love. But I never said that this was one." His gaze traveled around the room until it came to rest on his mates again. "Look, it's not a fling. It's valentines and birthday presents and...well, it's everything there is in any other relationship. Except..." John had stopped grinning and started playing with the seam of his shirt. He noticed it and forced himself to assume a more relaxed posture before he continued speaking. "Well, except that it's three people." He gulped. There, he had said it. He had absolutely no idea how his mates would react and he felt the sudden urge to keep talking in order to fill the silence, but there was just nothing else to say. Instead, he gave them a defiant look.

Both Annie's and Gary's eyes had gone wide as his words sunk in. This time it was Gary who started speaking first. "Wait, so you're telling us you're dating both of them and that they're okay with that?! How did that even happen?"

John had been over at Linda's a few times already in order to work on their presentation for beauty school. Linda's boyfriend Mark had been their test audience and soon John had joined the two in their friendly teasing. They got along so well that John would regularly stay for dinner and when he'd finally have to leave, he would always be baffled how time had passed so quickly.

Soon meetings to work on their presentation turned into movie nights, with all three of them sprawled out on their large couch and popcorn and flips sitting on the table in front of them.

John would have expected a movie night with a couple to make him feel like a third wheel, but for some reason this wasn't the case at all with Mark and Linda. Even though the two of them cuddled with each other, they made sure to include him in their conversations and their friendly banter that would almost never stop, and every now and then Linda would ruffle John's hair as part of the teasing.

One evening Linda and John came home from beauty school and just immediately dropped down on the couch, both groaning while trying to find a comfortable position. Mark laughed, raising his eyebrows at them. "Hard day at beauty school? Yeah, carrying around all that make up sure must be exhausting, come here," he mocked as he pulled Linda into his arms and started to give her a massage.

"Piss off!" Linda playfully pushed his hands away. "You have no idea what we've been through today. One of our teachers is opening a new beauty salon and we had to help her move all her stuff. Half of our class was sick," at this point Linda used her fingers to form air quotes, "and our teacher doesn't even have a car."

"Well, I'd take that massage if Linda doesn't want it," John jokingly suggested while rubbing his aching shoulders. There were only two other boys in their beauty school class, one hadn't shown up that day and the other one acted more effeminate than the actual girls, leaving it to John to do most of the heavy lifting.

"Alright, come here then, Johnny," Mark replied with a wink. John shot him an incredulous look, but eventually he moved over and, to his surprise, Mark actually started massaging his back. As soon as Mark's thumbs dug into his shoulders, John's head dropped back and he had to keep himself from leaning against Mark's chest. Mark chuckled quietly. "Look at what you're missing out on, Linda." With that, he pulled John closer so that John's back was actually resting against his torso.

John drew in a surprised breath, but found himself unable to resist. Not when Mark's touches were sending little shivers down his spine as back massages sometimes tend to do. John assumed that Mark would stop as soon as he was done teasing Linda, so he figured he might as well enjoy it while it lasted. Only that Mark simply kept going. Linda sat down next to them and switched on the TV like her boyfriend giving another bloke a massage was something she'd get to see every day.

With a mental shrug John closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch. He inhaled the faint scent of Mark's aftershave and was already drifting off when he noticed that his pants were starting to feel rather tight. Looking down, he could see that his black skinny jeans did nothing to conceal his predicament. Great. Having a physical reaction to a straight bloke who was in a relationship with his female friend was definitely wrong in more than one way.

John tried to think of anything but the way Mark's thighs were resting against his ribs or how those warm hands kept traveling up and down his spine. He didn't want to draw any attention by shifting too much or by simply fleeing the situation, so he pulled down his shirt a little and strategically placed his hands in his lap. Surely Mark would soon get bored if Linda just kept ignoring him.

However, Mark did not. He kept massaging John's back with exactly the right amount of pressure and John could only hope that his little sighs would be attributed to the way the knots in his shoulders were dissolving. Another pleasant shiver ran down his spine and John bit his lip as he could feel himself leaking into his boxers. Taken and straight, he kept reminding himself, almost like a mantra.

Mark must have noticed the way John's breath had hitched because he leaned in and asked, "Sorry, did I hurt you, Johnny?"

Mark's lips so close to his ear didn't help his situation at all and John quickly shook his head, desperately trying to focus on the TV. Then he felt Linda's gaze on him. Their eyes met briefly and he had a feeling that she knew. Instead of calling him out however, she just passed him a pillow and snuggled up against Mark, who placed an arm around her, finally relieving John of the sweet torture.

John quickly moved to sit on Linda's other side, deliberately keeping the pillow in his lap. From time to time Linda was shooting him a quick glance and at one point he could've sworn that she had given him a wink. John was confused. Either Linda was very confident in her relationship or she simply assumed that John wasn't a danger to it for various reasons, starting with him being her friend. And she was right, John would have never purposefully done anything that could have hurt her in any way.

Linda looked like an angel, dainty and sweet, but she shared John's sarcastic sense of humor and she never frowned upon any of his cynical comments. When she'd been four years old, her father had 'gone out for a pack of cigarettes' and never returned, leaving her behind with her narcissistic mother who would only ever praise her to compliment herself and her outstanding skills as a single parent in front of others. Unlike most people their age, Linda understood that the world simply wasn't good. Most of John's friends had the annoying tendency to tell him to 'just think positive' whenever he was angry about something, which absolutely drove him mad. Linda was different, and he loved her for it. He was happy for her that she had found Mark, even though he sometimes couldn't help but think that him and her would have made a bloody good match.

He wasn't jealous though (at least not that much). Mark was an incredibly sweet human being, there was just no other way to say it. He was affectionate and caring, two things Linda had never experienced in her life before, and he always tried to make her laugh. Whenever she'd had a bad day he always thought of a little surprise to cheer her up, even if it meant driving around the whole town to find a flower shop that was still open and had her favorite flowers. Sometimes he would even prepare those surprises together with John, and, for some strange reason, John enjoyed it. Come to think of it, John realized that he probably had just as much reason to be jealous of Linda as of Mark. Still, his emotions towards neither of them felt like real jealousy, at least not the kind that made him feel like either one of them was a rival that he wanted gone. It was more like a secret wish to be in both Linda's and Mark's place at the same time, without either of the two being heartbroken.

John was aware that it could never work that way (and he was a greedy, selfish bastard for even thinking about it), but he had to admit that he still enjoyed the way they treated him. Whenever Mark brought home ice cream, he always brought three tubs and made sure John got his favorite flavor. One time Linda had told Mark she wanted to go see a movie and when she'd called the theater, she had automatically asked for three tickets. And ever since the night John had missed the last bus home, he even had his own towel and tooth brush at theirs, a fact that made him more happy than it probably should have.

"Alright, I'm gonna go to bed, I'm bloody knackered," Linda announced, patting Mark on the shoulder while giving him a look that John couldn't quite place. Mark and John stayed in the living room to finish the movie. Once Linda had left, Mark got up and got them each a beer. He kept looking at John like he wanted to say something, but instead, he just took a sip of his beer each time. Minutes passed.

They were on their third beer and Mark still hadn't said anything, aside from commenting on the movie. "Alright mate, do you plan to ask me anything or do you just want to get drunk with me?" John finally took the initiative.

Mark looked at his beer and then up at John. He took a deep breath. "You know, Johnny, I'm not into boys."

John could sense that it was meant to be the beginning of a sentence, but instead, it came out as a simple statement. He raised an eyebrow at Mark. "Well, that's alright, mate...?"

Mark shook his head. "No, you don't understand. I don't fancy boys, never have, I love Linda with all my heart but...I really like you, Johnny. I like your energy, I like it when you're around, I like our teasing and..."

"Careful, you're starting to sound like you do fancy me." John gave him a wink.

Mark fell completely silent. "What does that mean?" he asked after a short while, his voice so small it was barely audible.

John shrugged. "I don't know mate." Then he smiled. "Just be assured that I really like you as well."

Mark glanced up at him. "But what if what I'm feeling's not enough? … What if it is?"

John really couldn't tell which option had Mark more scared, so he wasn't quite sure what to answer. Mark started playing around with the bottle cap of his beer. "Did you ever feel that way before?"

"Felt what way? Fancied someone else while I was in a relationship? No. Fancied a bloke? Yes, two times actually. The second one was a fling and we didn't really do that much, but the first one..." John smiled as he got lost in his thoughts.

Mark gave him a surprised stare. When John calmly returned his gaze, Mark quickly turned to look at the TV instead. "I don't know if I could ever be physical with another bloke," he mumbled, taking another sip of his beer. "I suppose that'd be really strange..." He gave a nervous laugh.

Like any other kid, John had lived through that phase where the term "gay" was used synonymously with "bad" or "shitty", they had even used it in their own group of friends before John had told them he'd fallen in love with a boy. Of course, the rest of his classmates had still used it around him even after that and John remembered how it had always felt a bit strange. None of them had meant anything by it since for all they'd known he was completely straight, yet each time it had made him feel a subtle sting of rejection.

Even though shunning his romantic feelings had never been an option for John, he could empathize with Mark's emotions. Back at school, John had never explicitly asked his mates to keep it a secret when he'd told them about Ian, yet it had somehow gone without saying that none of them told anyone outside their group. Being different from the rest was rarely something good, and even his mates had not exactly jumped for joy when John had come out to them. Therefore, John could completely understand Mark's hesitancy in exploring any possible hidden feelings towards him. Besides... "What does Linda think about that?" John asked. "Knowing you, you've probably told her long before you worked up the courage to tell me."

A grin flickered across Mark's face. "Guilty. She told me I should talk to you about it."

John shot him a surprised look. "Just like that? She wasn't mad or anything?"

Mark shrugged and gave John an amused smile. "She really likes you. In fact, she even thinks that you're cute."

John's eyebrows shot up and his heart started picking up its pace. "Cute like...?"

Mark laughed. "Yeah, exactly like that."

"Alright, so you're telling me that your girlfriend, who I get to see every day at beauty school, fancies me. … From wanting to punch me in the bollocks to ripping out my guts and dumping my body in the gutter I crawled out of, how much did you hate me when she told you?"

Mark chuckled quietly, quickly raising his hands in defense. "Oh no, I didn't hate you, I could never... Okay, maybe a little," he admitted with a shy smirk.

John nodded, returning his smirk. "Thanks for being honest, mate. And how do you feel about it now?"

"Now I wonder if..." At this point Mark stopped speaking and a little blush crept up on his face.

"Look, I'm working on my mind reading skills, but I'm not quite there yet, so it would be really helpful if you actually finished that sentence of yours."

Mark swallowed. "I wonder if things could work between the three of us." It was the first time during their conversation that he held John's gaze. The movie had finished long ago, leaving the room dark and silent.

John could feel his heart beating in his throat as he answered. "I wonder that too."

Mark kept gazing back into his eyes like...like he was trying to determine whether he could really love him, and John tried his best not to look too hopeful. After some time, Mark broke their gaze without revealing whether he had come to a conclusion.

John glanced at the clock. "What now?" he asked quietly. He didn't dare to ask the question that was really burning under his nails. Mark rose from the couch. "It's late, we should probably get to bed." Then he nodded towards the bedroom. John gave him a questioning look.

"What? If we really want to find out if things work between us, we need to start with something."

John's mouth dropped open in surprise, but then he just closed it and followed Mark into the bedroom.

It turned out that Linda was still awake and, judging by the curious looks she gave Mark, she probably knew exactly what her boyfriend had been planning to talk about that evening.

John stopped at the doorframe, waiting for Linda's invitation.

"Come in, Johnny!" she said lightly.

Whatever tension had been building inside of him, it immediately left John as he saw her amused smile. He sat down on the bed, one foot dangling over the edge and a smug grin playing around his lips. "I've been told that you fancy me, how about that?"

Linda giggled. "Oh no, Mark, your conversation has boosted his ego and now it's off the charts, what do we do now?!" She asked with feigned desperation, causing Mark to laugh.

"But seriously, I think that we should agree on a few terms. That is, if you're willing to try this with us Johnny?" Linda held his gaze and John could immediately feel the atmosphere in the room change. The smug grin disappeared from his face and he grew serious. "Yes, I am." And he really was, he was absolutely hellbent on trying not to muck this up, for his own sake and for Mark's and Linda's.

"Alright, first, we always have to be honest with each other. About our feelings, our expectations and our wishes. Second, this relationship is going to be exclusive." At this point Linda waited for John to nod, which he quickly did.

"And third...well, I don't really know how to handle the third thing."

"What is the third thing?" John asked innocently.

Linda rolled her eyes, giving him a half-smile. "You know bloody well what the third thing is, Johnny. I know it would break Mark's heart if you and I would do anything behind his back, but it would mean that conversely, Mark and I were only allowed to do anything when you're around, which is mostly just during the weekends."

John gave them both an amused grin. "I think I can see the problem here."

Linda stuck out her tongue at him.

"Well, from my part you can do anything you want with each other. That's how it's been before and you don't need to change that for me." John answered her unspoken question.

Mark gave him a surprised look. "But...that wouldn't really be fair now, would it?" he asked hesitantly.

John shrugged. "It doesn't hurt me when the two of you are having a good time on your own. However, it would hurt you if Linda and I had a good time without you being there. How would you define "fair" in that case? I'm fine with it and that's all that matters."

"Thanks Johnny," Mark mumbled.

"So Linda, what about me and Mark – if there should ever be anything at all?" John added quickly because he didn't want Mark to feel pressured in any way.

Linda smiled. "Explore all you like, but make sure to tell me everything about it. And maybe one day, when you're feeling more confident, I'll get to be around."

"Great, now I feel like I'm selfish," Mark said with a guilty expression on his face. John and Linda exchanged a quick look, then they both started laughing.

"Mate, between the three of us you are definitely the least selfish person in this room, so stop worrying." John commented with a pat on Mark's shoulder.

Linda yawned. "Alright boys, it's 3:00 am, let's get to bed. Oh, and Johnny? Welcome to the relationship!" With that she gave John a tight hug and a gentle kiss on the lips. Mark hesitated, but only for a second, until he gave John a hug as well. Before he pulled away, he gave John a quick peck on the neck which lasted for maybe half a second, the touch of his lips light as a feather, but Mark grinned like a little child when he looked at him, and it made John grin as well.

Dressed in a set of Mark's sleeping clothes, John curled up against Linda. After a few minutes, he lifted his head to look at Mark, who was snuggled up against Linda's other side. "Is that really alright with you, mate?" John asked quietly.

"Hmm? … What did you say? I was already half asleep."

"Never mind, go to sleep."

"...and from that day on the three of us have been together," John closed.

Gary raised an eyebrow. "But don't you feel like you're in a constant competion for Linda's affection with that other bloke? I mean, every time you have a fight with her he's probably secretly happy about it."

John thought back to the last time he'd had a fight with Linda.

John and Linda were assembling a shelf, or at least they were trying to. Linda read out the instructions while John was mostly just putting the components where it felt right.

"No Johnny, that doesn't belong there." Linda tried to snatch a screw out of John's hand but John held on to it.

"Bollocks, it absolutely does."

"No, it does not, would you listen to me, just for once?" Again, Linda tried to get a hold of the screw.

John rolled his eyes, pulling his hand away. "And would you trust me with this, just for once? I know what I'm doing, it's not like I've never set up a shelf before."

"No, Johnny, wait, that part will break if you put it there." Linda grabbed the piece John had just placed on the floor.

John dropped the screwdriver. "Alright, you set up your precious shelf by yourself then if you can't even trust me not to break a bloody piece of wood."

"What? I never said that..."

"Yeah, whatever, just ask Mark when he gets home, I'm out."

"Oh come on, why are you so damn impatient, Johnny?"

John glared at Linda. "Just stop talking, alright? You don't trust me to assemble a simple shelf, fine. Understood."

"Oh my God, I did not say that! Bloody hell, why are you just so incredibly incapable of working as a team?!"

"I don't know, maybe because not working as a team is more efficient when the other part of that team is you?!" With that, John slammed the door behind him and retreated to the living room, but he had still caught a glimpse of the hurt expression on Linda's face. He hadn't even meant to say that last sentence as there was absolutely no truth to it. His brain had just gone into that mode where any kind of retort was considered better than none at all and offence was the best defense.

When Mark came home, he found Linda sulking in the bedroom and John completely silent on the couch in the living room.

He went to talk to Linda first. After about fifteen minutes he came out. John lifted his eyes and gave him a defiant look. "Come on, out with it! Tell me how I was wrong and that I had absolutely no right to talk to her like that." John was sounding angry, but on the inside he was just sad because he had hurt someone he loved.

To his surprise, Mark just sat down next to him. What came next surprised him even more: Instead of making any accusations, Mark simply pulled him into a hug.

John was confused. "Mate, aren't you angry with me?" He felt Mark shake his head. When Mark finally let go of him, John already felt a little calmer.

"Okay, tell me what happened," Mark coaxed.

"I'm quite sure Linda has already told you everything," John replied, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I want to hear it from your point of view," Mark insisted.

For a second John was confused, then he let out a joyless laugh. "Look, I had a really long day, I'm knackered and hungry..." John paused because he expected Mark to interrupt him and tell him that none of that was Linda's fault, but instead, Mark silently got up from the couch and went to the kitchen. John assumed he'd simply given up, so he was all the more surprised when Mark returned with a plate of freshly cooked pasta. John's mouth fell open when he discovered that Mark had even tried to draw a heart with the pasta sauce.

"But...why?" he blurted out.

Mark shrugged and gave him a little smile, looking almost shy. "Just eat, okay?"

John returned his smile before he dug into the meal. When he was finished, he was already in a better mood, especially since Mark still didn't try to make him apologize to Linda. Instead, he simply started to massage John's shoulders and John melted into the touch, even though he felt like he didn't deserve any of it after what he'd said to Linda. His conscience kept gnawing at him until he finally couldn't take it anymore. He jumped up from the couch and went to the bedroom while Mark was trying to hide his triumphant grin.

He knocked and Linda opened the door. John stood in the doorframe, avoiding her gaze. "Mark has cooked dinner for us," he mumbled. And then, after a short pause, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." To other people it might have seemed superficial, but Linda knew John and understood that apologies didn't come easy to him. Besides, she had already vented to Mark and her anger had mostly subsided, so when John stood there, looking like a kicked puppy, she simply couldn't help but pull him into a kiss. John returned the kiss and in it he put everything he wasn't able to tell Linda with his words.

They kept kissing, hands hungrily traveling down each other's bodies, not realizing that Mark had entered the room until he let out a quiet chuckle. "Gods, I hate it when you two fight, but I do love what happens after."

John lifted his head from where he'd buried it in Linda's neck, a suggestive grin playing around his lips. "Close the curtains and come 'ere then."

"Hey Johnny, are you still with us?" Gary waved his hand in front of John's face. John blinked for a few times, then he started smiling. "No. There's absolutely no competition between me and Mark."

Annie pushed her bowl of cornflakes away, focusing all of her attention on her friend. "So you are in a romantic relationship with both Linda and Mark?"

John heaved an exasperated sigh. "That's what I've been trying to tell for the last thirty minutes, luv. If any of you wants to judge me, now's the time." He looked back and forth between his two mates, almost as if to challenge them.

"So when you're saying romantic relationship, does that mean that you are sleeping with the bloke as well?" Gary asked bluntly. "- Wait, are you telling us you've had a threesome??" At that point he started giggling but was quickly silenced by a brusque elbow to the ribs. "Ow! Come on, Annie, you've been wondering about that too."

John had to keep himself from smiling. "Well mate, since you appear to be so awfully interested in the things that happen in our bedroom...yes. And yes." He gave Gary a smug grin as he waited for his words to sink in.

Admittedly, it had taken Mark and John a little time to actually get to that point of being able to share physical intimacy with each other.

Two weeks had passed since the three of them were officially together. One might have expected for John and Linda to immediately explore certain benefits of their new relationship model, yet they both held back. It wasn't like they hadn't made a few attempts here and there, but those had always ended with them just lying next to each other on the bed and John playing with Linda's hair. The attraction was definitely there, there was no doubt about it, yet they somehow just couldn't get into the mood. Not when John kept wondering what might be going through Mark's head as he watched them. It wasn't so much the thought of being judged by a third person (or the fact that there even was a third person in the room at all) but the concern that Mark was hurting. Despite repeatedly assuring them that he was not, something just didn't feel right and Linda seemed to sense it as well.

This weekend Linda had gone to visit her grandma, the only person who had ever shown at least some interest in her when she'd been a child.

Mark and John had gone out to watch a movie and were now driving home to Mark's and Linda's shared flat. Unlike John, Mark did have a driver's license and a car, which came in quite handy when they chose to stay out really late like they did on that night. John watched the streetlights flying by as he sung along to one of Mark's cassette tapes.

"That was nice," Mark said as they entered the flat. John nodded, stifling a yawn.

Before they got into bed, there was a slight moment of hesitation. Usually they would sleep with Linda lying between them, but Linda wasn't there that evening. A moment passed and they quietly decided to just leave a girlfriend-sized space between them as they settled in. Since John had gotten up early to secretly practice a few spells, he was fast asleep almost immediately after they'd said goodnight.

He didn't know how much time had passed when he jolted awake from a nightmare, his heart hammering loudly in his chest. The room was pitch-black and John stared into the darkness, desperately waiting for his eyes to adjust. He couldn't even remember what the nightmare had been about, yet he was left with a completely irrational sense of fear.

"Are you alright, Johnny?" Mark asked quietly as he switched on the bedside lamp.

The only good thing about John's nightmares was that he always experienced them in complete silence. No screaming, no thrashing around, no nothing, which was why he'd always been able to hide them from his mates when sharing a bed with them.

"I'm fine," John replied automatically, slowly lying back down. Then he realized that Marc was sitting on his side of the bed, his back against the headboard, hugging his knees to himself. He'd obviously been sitting like that long before John had woken up.

"Why are you still awake?" John whispered.

"Can't sleep," Mark replied with a trace of sadness in his voice.

"Because Linda's not here?"

"No. Yes...No." Mark sighed. "It's just that...I'm feeling guilty."

"Why are you feeling guilty?" John mumbled against his pillow.

"Because...well, I keep you and Linda from having a good time. I shouldn't be around when...you know. But I'm too selfish and controlling."

John's head jerked up. "No, you're not?! Besides, things wouldn't be any different between her and me if you weren't around."

Mark gave John a sad smile. "Wouldn't they? Come on, I'm not stupid..."

John emphatically shook his head. "No, they wouldn't, because...it's not that."

Mark's eyebrows shot up and he gave John a confused look. "What is it then?"

"It's too fast," John replied calmly.

Mark made a muffled sound. "Are you trying to wind me up? Neither of you is the type to take things slow. You're both hotheaded and impulsive, you live each day like it could be your last – and I love the two of you for it, don't get me wrong. Just please, stop lying to me."

John shook his head, the hint of a smile playing around the corner of his mouth. "It's too fast for you, Mark. You barely know how to feel about me, let alone how you actually want this relationship to be like. And neither Linda nor I are going to try anything until you have figured that out."

Mark stared at John. It was a long, intense look and John was about to make a sarcastic comment when Mark got up and returned with two shot glasses and a bottle of vodka.

"What's this about?" John asked, gesturing at the bottle, even though he already knew the answer.

"I'm going to figure things out," Mark replied, placing a filled shot glass in front of John. "Chug."

John swirled the glass in his hand. "Very classy," he commented, mockingly raising an eyebrow.

Mark pressed his lips together. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, it's just...I really don't think I can do this while being sober."

John pressed a hand against his own chest in a melodramatic gesture. "Ouch, that really stings."

Mark winced and immediately reached out to put their glasses away, but John stopped him. "Relax, it's fine."

Mark hesitated, then he put the glasses on the nightstand anyways, along with the bottle. "No, you're right, Johnny. I don't want it to be like that, that wouldn't be fair to you."

John shrugged. "Whatever you say, mate." What followed was a long moment of awkward silence during which neither of them knew what to do. John wasn't shy, but he didn't want to ruin things (more than he had already) by saying or doing anything that Mark didn't feel ready for.

Mark mumbled something unintelligible and then lied back down on the bed, pulling the blanket over both of them. For a moment, John supposed that Mark had simply given up, and the thought made him feel a little sting of disappointment. He curled up on his side of the bed, his back facing Mark. Neither of them said a word and John mentally kicked himself for not just chugging down that bloody shot instead of teasing his friend (boyfriend?) about it, when suddenly Mark moved over, closing the space between them.

John drew in a surprised breath as he felt Mark gently pressing his chest against his back. For a few moments they both just lay there, neither of them daring to move. Then Mark placed a small kiss on John's neck. After a little bit of hesitation, one kiss turned into two, and two turned into a series. The soft touches gave John goosebumps all over his body and he ever so slowly turned his head to see if he would get a kiss on the lips. Several seconds passed and John was already about to give up hope, but then...he did. Mark pulled back abruptly, looking at him in surprise.

John chuckled quietly. "What?"

Mark gave him a small grin. "That felt so...nice. I really didn't expect that."

John returned Mark's grin, a hint of mischief playing in his eyes. "Are you certain? That was no more than a second, how can you tell for sure if you liked it?"

Mark laughed and shook his head. Then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and brushed his lips against John's again. Without breaking the kiss, John slowly turned on his back so that he didn't have to twist his neck anymore.

They kept kissing and the rubbing of their stubble created a quiet scratching noise. "That's so crazy," Mark mumbled against John's lips, almost as if in disbelief. Then he ran his lips over John's Adam's apple. "Absolutely crazy," he repeated, obviously talking to himself at this point.

John lifted his head and was about to comment on how their situation was starting to give off some serious area 51/first contact with a foreign species vibes, but he was cut off by Mark's lips reconnecting with his own.

Finally, they had to pull away for air and Mark let his gaze travel down John's body. "Nice tent, Johnny."

John glanced down and grinned. "Oops." He definitely looked smug rather than embarrassed.

Mark returned his grin, but then he bit his lip. "I really don't understand," he whispered. "I never ever wanted to kiss a bloke before. It feels like...well, like you're the one, the only exception."

John shrugged. "So?"

Mark propped himself up on his elbows. "Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that it's like that. I'm just wondering...why?"

John's expression turned even more smug than before. "Because I'm John Constantine!" His answer made Mark laugh.

"No, but seriously, Johnny. That absolutely makes no sense."

"Most things in life don't make sense, mate," John replied with another shrug. "Just embrace it."

Mark turned on his back to stare at the ceiling. "I don't know, I mean, it doesn't even make sense from a biological perspective. We couldn't have children, so there's absolutely no reason for nature to allow us to fall in love with each other, this happens to absolutely no other species..." *

At that point John groaned and buried his head into his pillow, but Mark kept rambling on, obviously feeling the need to share his thoughts as he tried to handle what was probably a little identity crisis.

"...and we can't even have actual...you know?"

John's head shot up from the pillow. "We can't?!" His crooked smile was made up of equal parts innocence and mischief.

"No...?" Mark looked confused. "How is that supposed to work?"

John turned around, gently placing one hand on Mark's stomach. "Maybe I'll show you one day." Mark chuckled. Then he shifted a little to switch off the bedside lamp. His movement had caused John's hand to slip a little lower and John was already about to pull it away, when...

"Hey Johnny?"

"Hmm?"

"You can leave your hand there if you like."

Gary's eyes went wide. He didn't like to show it, but he was obviously impressed. Here he was, at college, without ever having dated, let alone slept with anyone, while his best mate was in a relationship with not one but two people. Gary stared into the distance and John could practically see the wheels turning behind his eyes.

"But Johnny, what if you want to marry some day?" Gary asked after a while. "What if Linda gets pregnant, how could you ever explain that to the child? A-and what did your parents say to that? - Wait, do they even know??"

"Mate, stop, you're giving me a headache."

Gary's jaw dropped open. "You don't even think about that, do you?"

"I don't worry about that, there's a difference," John replied around a mouthful of cornflakes. He had finally found his appetite again.

Chapter Text

John was desperately knocking at the door of Mark's and Linda's flat, shivering and completely drenched in sweat. His heart was pounding in his ears and he felt like he was going to pass out any second now. Their band. That gig. The Casanova Club. Newcastle.

It was a four hour train ride from Newcastle back to London and all that way John had been keeping it together...or at least, he hadn't gone completely mad (on the outside, that is). He needed someone to talk to, someone to...well, honestly, John didn't really know what it was he needed right now or why he'd even come here. He only knew that he couldn't go back to the flat he shared with Annie and Gary. Gary. The look on his face when he saw...no person should ever have to see something like that.

After what felt like hours, Linda opened the door. "Hey Johnny, welcome b-" She stopped mid-sentence when she saw his face. "Oh my God, Johnny, what happened?!"

"He dragged her to hell...Linda, he...I didn't mean to...it was my fault." John's breath was coming fast and ragged, like he was on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Johnny, what are you talking about?"

"I didn't get his name right, I...I didn't bind him properly and now he took her soul..."

"Slow down, who are you talking about? Look, I hate to say it, but you're sounding absolutely bonkers. Are you high?" Linda gave him a worried look as she tried to get him to sit down on the couch.

John was far too agitated to sit down. "The demon, Nergal, he took Astra."

"A demon?" Linda raised her eyebrows and bit her lip in order not to laugh. "Johnny, I promise, I won't judge, just tell me what you took, okay?"

John grabbed her by her shoulders, fingers digging into her arms. Linda gave a surprised yelp of pain.

"I never told you, but I can do magic. Look..." John let go of her arms and tried to cast a simple light orb spell, but his hands were still shaking and his mind kept showing him images of Astra, desperately screaming out his name, while all he could do was stand there and watch as she was being dragged down into hell.

John panicked. "No, no, no, I need you to believe me..." With that, he quickly walked over to the kitchen, opened the drawer and fetched a knife. If he used his own blood for the spell, it would surely work, no matter how scrambled his brain was right now.

"Johnny, stop, what are you doing?! Please..."

John was too caught up in his own world to notice the fear in Linda's voice. At that point Mark came in. His heart skipped a beat upon seeing the scene in front of him. "Put down the knife," he said, his voice equal parts shock and anger.

John turned around. "No, you don't understand, I-I need to prove to her that magic is real..." He started to press the edge of the blade against his arm and started to mumble the words of the incantation, still shivering all over. In hindsight, he had no idea why telling Linda about Nergal (and her believing him) had been so bloody important to him, but at the time it felt like it might be the only thing keeping him from going completely insane.

He never got to finish the spell. John's back hit the floor with a loud thud as Mark tackled him. He merely felt any pain as his whole body was still numb from shock, nor did he notice Mark's death grip on his wrists. Somehow, Mark must have managed to pry the knife from his hand, because John heard it slide over the floor as Mark kicked it out of his reach.

Linda darted forward and grabbed it, exchanging a quick glance with Mark.

"Linda, go to the bedroom, now. Lock it."

John had never heard his boyfriend's voice sound like that. "You don't understand what happened back at Newcastle – mate, you need to listen to me..." John pleaded.

"No John, you listen to me," Mark said calmly, still holding him down with his weight. It was the first time ever that he hadn't called him by his nickname. "Something is wrong with you and you need help."

John insistently shook his head. "I just need help getting that little girl's soul back, please..."

"Look at me. Take a deep breath, okay?" Mark met his eyes and at that moment, John could feel that something had forever changed between them. John had stepped into another world, thinking he knew all its rules and pitfalls, thinking he could control it, only to find that he had been nothing more than an ignorant child who was convinced it was special just because it could color inside the lines. Linda and Mark would never be able (or willing) to follow him into that world. And after what happened that day, it was probably for the best. No one should ever follow him there, especially not someone he cared about. This was his burden, his responsibility. He had screwed it up, he was the one who had to fix it, whatever it might take.

"I'm sorry Johnny," Mark whispered. John realized that his boyfriend wanted to hug him, but didn't dare to let go of his wrists. Because he was afraid of him. John hadn't known that there was still something left in him that could break. But it did. Right then, on the floor of that living room. For the first time since he had arrived at the flat, John was completely silent.

Mark losened the grip on his wrists and shifted his weight a little.

"May I get up?" John asked quietly. "I'm just gonna sit down on the couch, I promise." Mark took a few deep breaths, then he nodded. Together, they sat down on the couch.

"Hey Johnny?" Mark said into the silence. "I think we need to get you some help."

John's head snapped up. "I know what I saw, no one can help me! And you two should stay away because it sure as hell seems like I'm cursed to break everything I touch." With that, he jumped to his feet, and before Mark could stop him, he was already out the door.

"Johnny, you can't go out there like that!" John heard Mark's footsteps behind him, but he quickly dashed around a corner, then another one, and finally through a poorly lit alley. He merely noticed that he almost got hit by a car as he crossed a street, and honestly, in his current state he wouldn't have cared all that much.

Finally, John stopped by a bridge because he just couldn't run any further. Everything was spinning (even more than before) and John leaned over the rail of the bridge and glanced down. It wasn't that high, maybe twenty feet, but the floor was hard concrete. John wondered if the bridge was high enough in order to... Bloody coward, a voice in his head interrupted his thoughts. What about the little girl? John winced. He hated to acknowledge it, but the voice was right. If he would end his life right here and now, Astra's soul would be lost forever. He remembered the way she'd looked at him, screaming for his help with her dying breath. He had promised to come and save her. As unlikely as it might seem, there was still the slightest glimmer of hope left in him that he might get to right his wrongs, to redeem the guilt that was weighing so heavily on his soul that he could barely breathe.

Still, it wasn't changing the fact that there was absolutely nowhere for him to go right now. He could never face Gary again, and his relationship with Mark and Linda had crashed and burned the second he had grabbed that bloody knife. The only (and, knowing his bad luck, probably also the last) thing left for him to do was to go and find that demon wanker and make him pay for what he did. John looked down at his still trembling hands. Marvelous. His brain was so scrambled that he couldn't even cast the simplest of spells right now, there was absolutely no way in hell that he could ever beat Nergal like that, except if he intended to make the bastard laugh himself to death.

A new wave of panic washed over John as he looked around. He had never been to that part of London before and he had absolutely no idea where he was. There was an empty store with broken windows to his left, and to his right there was...John squinted his eyes against the street lights that suddenly seemed way too bright. He looked up at the writing on the huge, intimidating building which was surrounded by a high fence topped with some very nasty-looking barbed wire. Ravenscar Psychiatric Facility for the Mentally Deranged.

John stuffed his hands into his pockets, but immediately pulled his left one out again because it felt like he had touched something wet inside his pocket. He held it up, just to find that it was red with blood. He couldn't remember whether he had managed to cut himself with the knife back at Mark's and Linda's apartment after all, or whether he had just scraped it somewhere else without noticing. The sight brought back flashbacks of that other demon raping Ben, Gods, there had been so much blood. John would never forget the sound of that poor bloke's screams echoing in that cellar. He honestly hadn't known that a human could sound like that and still be alive.

John's legs gave out as the flashback took over, and he sat down in front of the closed gate, right in the middle of the street. Suppressing the urge to hug his knees and rock back and forth, he looked up at the writing again and let out a joyless laugh. Yeah, he could surely be called mentally deranged right now.

Suddenly, a car pulled up in front of the gate. It barely missed John as it was dark and John was wearing his black leather jacket and his equally black skinny jeans.

The car stopped abruptly and a man in his fourties lowered the window by just an inch. "Can I help you, young man?"

A part of John tried to determine whether he could trust him, but then he remembered that it really didn't matter. It wasn't like he could go anywhere else, anyways. Besides, he didn't think he could ever feel any worse than this, no matter what they did to him, so..."Y-yes. I think I should be in there." John wasn't used to his own voice sounding this small and he absolutely hated it.

The man in the car hesitated, but then John lifted his bloodied hand, which was still shaking, and the man nodded.

The man rung the bell and a nurse came and opened the gate. "Found this one right here, almost ran him over," the man explained as he drove past them.

The nurse looked at John. "Alright, what's your name?"

"John Constantine," John replied tonelessly.

"Okay, Mr. Constantine, follow me."

As the gates closed behind him, John felt a heavy lump in his throat. This was a new low, even for him, but if he was being honest, a part of him had always suspected that it might come to that point sooner or later in his life. He just hadn't expected it to happen so soon. Bloody hell, he had been in a good place, just for once. Away from his father, member of a band he had founded, living at a flat with his best friends and being in a healthy, functioning relationship with not one but two people. And he had lost it all in just one night. To make things even worse, here he was, pitying himself, selfish bastard that he was, and hiding away in the looney bin instead of being out there and trying to fix his own mess like any decent person would have.

He had finally entered the building and the nurse started preparing some paper work. The blood was still hammering in his ears and he winced as someone unexpectedly touched his shoulder. John glanced up to see a man who was probably in his thirties. He was wearing a hospital gown and slippers.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. My name is Bob." At this point the man started whispering. "Well, it's not really Bob, but it's safer this way, you know, they're listening..."

John started pushing his chair away from the other man.

"Oh no, don't step on that tile, they'll know we're here, they're watching us through the light bulbs, so I recommend you keep yours always turned off at night..."

"Hey Bob?" John interrupted him.

'Bob' stopped and gave him a warm, expecting smile.

"Sod off!"

Bob's face fell.

The nurse looked up from her paperwork. "Mr. Constantine, why are you here?"

John hid his hands in his pockets, smearing the left one with blood. "You wouldn't believe me."

The nurse gave an inward sigh. "Alright, so just tell me about the symptoms you are experiencing then."

"My hands won't stop shaking," John started in a small voice. "I keep having flashbacks."

"What kind of flashbacks?" The nurse asked gently.

"I can't tell you, you will think I'm crazy," John replied. "I just need you to make them go away."

The nurse heaved another sigh. "For how long have you been experiencing those symptoms?"

John's gaze had become unfocused and the nurse had to repeat her question two times until John actually heard it. "Uh, five hours, maybe six."

"Mr. Constantine, what happened to you five hours ago?"

"As I already said, I can't tell you," John insisted, wrapping his arms around himself, blood dripping to the ground.

"What happened to your hand?"

"I don't remember exactly, but that's not important, it's not why I'm here."

"Mr. Constantine, we only take in patients who are a danger to themselves or others, does either of this apply to you?"

John was slowly getting frustrated. "Look, my girlfriend thinks I threatened her with a knife and then I considered jumping off a bridge, does this suffice to you?" He could sense that the nurse didn't try to let him see her concern when she asked her next question.

"Where is your girlfriend now?"

John stopped shaking long enough to roll his eyes. "She's fine, her other boyfriend's with her..." At that point the nurse raised her eyebrows, but John pointedly ignored her. "...and I didn't really threaten her, I just wanted to...it doesn't matter, you wouldn't understand. So, are you going to ask pointless questions or are you going to help me?"

The nurse took some last notes, then she passed John a couple of pages. "Read carefully and sign if you agree to our terms."

John signed without looking at any of the pages, it wasn't like he could make sense of any of it anyways with Astra's screams still ringing in his ears.

About three weeks later

"Hey Johnny boy, come here and sit down, the aliens aren't looking right now." John smiled and sat down next to Bob, pulling at the lid of his yoghurt. Bob looked concerned. "Oh no, I don't think that's safe, sometimes they hide little probes in there and once you ingest them..."

John pushed the yoghurt away. "Thanks mate. What about the jelly?"

"The jelly's safe, the probes stop functioning in there."

"Great." John got up and came back with a bowl of jelly and a plastic spoon.

"So John, any progress on casting spells again?" Bob asked.

John shook his head. "Nothing so far, except if you wanna count the towel I set on fire."

"Just let me know if I can help you, okay? That demon bastard ist probably reporting to the aliens..."

John gave an inward sigh and covered his face in his hands.

A woman, about sixty years old, stopped by their table. "Hey John, do you still need that spoon? I want to make a mobile for my baby. It's gonna be a girl, but don't tell anyone yet..." She ran her hand over the pillow she had stuffed under her shirt.

"Sure Martha," John replied, handing her the spoon. "And congratulations."

John couldn't say that he was feeling any better. Needless to say, therapy had not been fruitful so far, but at least the other patients provided some sort of distraction. At first, John had looked down on them, knowing that they were all just downright crazy, while he himself had witnessed something real that had actually happened, but after about a week in there, he had come to realize that it no longer mattered. Nothing mattered in here. Once he'd seen someone from another wing smear all their walls with poop or, at an another occasion, eat a bag of crisps like it was the most delicious meal in the world (the bag, not the crisps) and it had surely put things into perspective.

At least the other patients from his wing were more understanding than any of the doctors and nurses that John had tried talking to.

At the end of the day, it didn't really matter what had caused his mental breakdown, or whether the reason for it was real or just in his head because all John wanted was to forget. And at some days he almost succeeded. Almost.