Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He wakes up from a dreamless sleep, a state of blackness that holds no memories, that whispers no secrets. He can’t remember his name, his people, or even the reason why he is here.

Here…where is here? His limbs feel around for an exit to the tight existence he’s been placed in. They find no such thing, only an impenetrable mass of web and alien plant matter.

It takes a few seconds for his brain to kick in, for the sensory input to sort itself out and piece together the puzzle of the kind of danger he’s in. When it eventually does, he’s left petrified from the realization that he’s in a Wraith Cocoon. 

Why he knows what a Wraith is and not his name, or even why he’s here alludes him, but the footsteps do not. 

Big, heavy footsteps stomp his way with a menacing promise. With an instinct he didn’t know he had, he struggles against the matter- searching his person as best he can for a knife, a rock- anything at all that might cut him loose before they come. Unfortunately, the Wraith aren’t known for being stupid and consistently search and strip their meals to guard against this exact scenario.

And it looks like whoever he was, wasn’t smart enough to conceal something well enough for it to pass inspection. That and he can’t actually reach anywhere very well in this tight prison.

The footsteps are three pairs if this body’s hearing is competent at all. He hopes they’ll pass him, hope’s they’ll continue on their way and leave him to starve to death. that would be better than being fed on, nearly anything would.

He has a thought that he should probably stop moving so they don’t notice he’s awake but, before he can enact this plan- he registers the loosening of his bonds. His stomach fills with dread as his eyes are met with light that wouldn’t seem bright if he hadn’t just been in pitch blackness. 

He’s greeted with two drones and a non-drone who’s grinning at him with a hunger that has him frozen in fear.

Frozen until those instincts kick in again and he’s hurling toward the Wraith with his fists out. He manages to land one, right in the nose, before the Wraith recovers from the shock and easily pins the squirming human back against the wall with an annoyed snarl. 

His face, all razor-sharp teeth, and sickening angels is so close to the human’s own that he can see the intricacies of his greenish-yellow eyes. His heart is beating out of his chest and the blood that pumps through his veins seems to turn to ice at the prospect of his imminent death.

Death doesn’t come. 

The Wraith keep’s him pinned there, drones aiming their weapons at his head, until his body slacks from the effort of fear and he is easily yanked from the wall. His feet stumble after the bigger monster with its iron grip on his bicep making it impossible to slow down, let alone escape. 

He’s dragged through what looks like the same hallway, even though it’s not, for what feels like hours. The twists and turns of purple Hive matter and the layer of fog that obscures the path do summersaults in his head. He wouldn’t be able to get out of here if he tried. 

He’s in pain, the Wraith’s nails have almost broken the skin of his bicep, but he makes no sound. He fears that if he tries to speak, he won’t remember how, or that it will come out wrong somehow.

Or that the Wraith will rip his throat out. 

Eventually, they arrive at what looks like a door, and the Wraith knocks- three times fast, two times slow.

The Human hears movement from within for a few moments before the door opens and he is once again filled with the desire to run. Doors mean cages, cages mean death. 

‘Run!’

He tries, in vain, to get away again, but the Wraith’s iron grip simply drags him in the opposite direction of his running feet- into the room. 
The door closes behind them both and his heart sinks.

This is it.

He hears a second, heavier sounding pair of feet approach him and he snaps his eyes down to look at the floor and his bare feet in fear, not wanting to look his predator in the eye. 

He can sense the other body’s closeness to his own, hears the other male’s breathing, feel’s the coolness of the creature’s absence of body heat near his own, flushed skin. For a moment, nothing is done or said, there is only stillness and the sound of the much more infrequent breath of his captor’s mixed with his own, heavy gasps. Then a hand of sharp nails falls against his shoulder, trails up his neck and onto his cheek.

He’s shaking from the contact, shaking from the leather-like skin and cruel nails that could slice his throat open in one second. He squeezes his eyes shut as his head is raised, a thumb brushing close to his lips…

He doesn’t know what he’s expecting except for that he knows he doesn’t expect the creature to speak. 

“Thank you, Bonewhite, you may return to your duties now.” the hand falls away. 

His voice is a multi-tonal mix of gruff and perpetually amused that comes out with a pleasant sharpness to it. Unfriendly because he’s a Wraith, but pleasant all the same. 

The Wraith- Bonewhite’s grip slacks on his arm and pulls of, “Yes, Commander.” He acknowledges with a dip at his spine.

Wait. Commander? Had the human heard that right? Is he in the presence of a Wraith Commander?
Oh God, he’s so screwed. 

He keeps still, eyes closed even after Bonewhite leaves and the door closes again. Even he, whoever he is, has the sense not to antagonize the head of a Hive, or to look him in the eyes and expect to live.

Not that he’s going to live for much longer anyway.

The Wraith- the Commander in front of him doesn’t move yet. At least not in any way the human can register. He’s sure that the Commander can hear the clamor that his heart is making and that he’s simply reveling in the fear leaking from his meal’s soul. 

The Human wishes he would hurry up and eat him already. 

Not all wishes can come true, apparently, because the Commander chooses that moment to move away from the human, not toward. 

“I apologize for my second’s behavior,” he says…softly? “He dislikes humans greatly, especially when they try to run.”

The human is so shocked at the comment that he opens his eyes. 

The first thing he notices is that the other male is huge with a capital H. He’s standing maybe six feet away but his size makes it feel more like three. The human takes a step back without thinking. 

The second thing is the row of sharp teeth that are revealed when the creature chuckles. At least the human thinks he chuckles. It could be a snarl for all that the vibrations are worth. His eyes scan the human with a note of clinical concern and his posture seems to relax. An attempt to appear less scary that Does. Not. Work. 

The human feels as if he’ll pass out from fear, especially when the Commander takes a large step forward, his palms turned out to expose the feeding slit.
Before he knows it, his apparent instincts have kicked in again and they send him flying across the room in the Commander’s direction, fists out and ready to strike. So much for not antagonizing, he’s not going out without a fight.

It works just about as well as it had with the other Wraith. That is to say, not at all. The large body simply grabs him by the wrists and swings him up and away, with a grace that feels very un-Wraith-like. 

He skids across the floor, bumping into a table-looking thing, and tries to climb on top of it for height.

“No-” the Commander’s voice is sharp against the human’s panic, a thing he fixes immediately, adding in a softer “Relax, I do not wish to feed from you,” as he comes closer again. 

The human can barely hear him over the rush of blood in his ears and his own beating heart. It’s just him and a threat, a very, very close threat with sharp claws and a prefatory set of teeth. He’s a lamb in a lion’s den, and this lion likes to play with its food. He manages to get on top of the table but, his legs are shaky from being locked up for so long and he wobbles.

 
“Truly,” his captor tries again, “I mean no harm.”

‘Yeah, for now.' He’s not moving, despite the difficulty of staying upright. 

He expects the Wraith to grab him by the legs and drag him off to feed, or to shoot him with one of those stunners, or at least to push him off.

What he doesn’t expect is a retreat. The Commander backs way, palms still turned out, until he’s reached the other end of the room. He eyes the human, face all unreadable lines and shining eyes that show nothing of the bloodthirsty evil the human expected. “Come down from there,” he coaxes, raising his hands up and behind his head, “Before you fall.”

The human doesn’t buy it. 

‘So you can eat me?’ he shakes his head violently, still not willing to use his mouth, still worried about how he will sound.
The Wraith’s sigh is nothing short of exasperation, “Suit yourself,” he quips, unamused, “but soon your legs will tire, and then how will you run if I decide I wish to consume you after all?”

The sends a spike of fear through him, he raises his fists again. His teeth are biting so hard into his bottom lip that he can taste blood. 
The Commander simply sighs again and goes over to a far corner of the room, well within the human’s field of vision, and leans against the wall, arms folded across his chest and eyes focused on his prey. 

Both males stare each other down for what feels like forever. With each passing minute the human feels his legs grow weaker, the strain of staying upright is taking its toll. He is soaked in sweat despite the cool temperature, when he finally tetters, losing his balance and nose-diving off the table and onto the misty floor of the Hive. It’s soft where he lands, floor stretching down then bouncing up like a little trampoline before returning to solid ground once more. 

Within an instant there is a hand helping him up, a hand he tries to slap away and to wriggle from the grip of, to no avail. 

“Human.” The Commander snaps, impatient, “I do not have all day to wait for you to give up and hear me out.” Despite his tone, the Wraith’s body language does not show anger, but concern and…desperation? But what stake could he have in the human…talking to him?

He narrows his eyes, regarding his captor with what he hopes is an intimidating stare. He watches for a change in position, a tensing or preparation for attack, but nothing happens.

‘You’re going to die anyway, why not see what he has to say?’ he scowls at his own mind ‘No, that’s insane.’ But a little voice in him tries; ‘What choice do you have..?’ The answer is; none at all.

With a deep-set scowl, he nods and lets the Commander pull him up. He guides the human too and down on one of the chairs and crosses the room again, this time coming back with an armful of fabric. “Cloths” the words vibrate around the room as he places the pile on the table and steps back yet again. 

The human’s hand immediately goes to his crotch and red blooms on his cheeks when he realizes he’s naked naked.
There's a part of him that really doesn’t want to accept help from this creature, and another part that’s freezing his ass off, and would rather not show his junk to the enemy. 

The other part wins and, with a glare, he snatches the clothes. Undergarments go on first, then lose white pants made of some sort of thermal fabric. There's a matching shirt in a rich green color as well. The shoes are white slippers with thick soles. They feel wrong on his feet but, he doesn’t complain. 

Then there’s this…jacket that looks like it was made of material similar to what the Commander wears, but not really. It’s…familiar somehow and the human has to guess that this is something that belongs to him.

His suspicion is somewhat confirmed when he spots the lettering on the inside tag that reads “J. Sheppard.”

He only needs to look up for the Commander to understand the question he wants to ask, “It was found with you, I assume it is…your name.”

He fingers the letters, stitched on there with an expertise that has him aching. J. Sheppard…the J could stand for anything at all. 

“J…” he whispers, surprised when his voice isn’t as rough as he thought it would be. 

The Wraith looks down at him with a sadness that doesn’t feel mocking like it should, “Do you prefer Sheppard?”

He shakes his head, Sheppard feels too alien, too formal for this encounter. It doesn’t feel like him like he feels now. Sheppard is the name of another lifetime. “J-J…Jay is…uh…f-f-fine,” he stammers out. It's not much, but it’s an identity he feels will not betray his real one, will not rob Sheppard of his existence. Jay can be what Sheppard is not, and hopefully, one day, the two will meet. 

The sadness in the Commander's eyes grow and he turns away from him “Alright, if that is what you wish, Jay.”

Jay hugs the jacket to his chest, inhaling the smell of metal and gunpowder. It holds secrets, this jacket. Within its folds are a lifetime, in its pockets, a memory. And Jay can access none of it. This might as well be another person’s clothing altogether. 

Sheppard’s clothing, now gifted to him. 

He feels something in its pocket and grabs it out with desperation. He’s hoping it’s a photo or a notebook of some sort but, all he finds in his hand is a pocket compass.

The irony is almost comical. 

“Is there anything else?” He says quickly, “That was found with me?”

“So you truly have no memory?” the Commander answers, voice distant and ghostly in its detachment. He must have known this before, but the revelation seems to hurt him almost as much as it hurts Jay. 

Jays not sure why, but the way the Commander says that brings guilt to his gut, “I don’t…I’m sorry…”

The Commander just sighs, “I will have one of my officers bring you to a room, there you will find some of the objects you ask for.”

Suddenly, Jay is brought back to the reality at hand, the Hive and the Wraith. his body seizes up once more with fear, with anticipation. “Y-You’re not going to eat me?”

“No,” his captor confirms, stepping aside as a Wraith, different looking than the last one, the one called Bonewhite, enters the room alone, “I had hoped to have a longer conversation with you, Jay, but there are things I must attend to.” He doesn’t meet the human’s eyes “In your room, you will find a device, you may use it to communicate with me if there is anything you need.”

“I-I don’t understand…”

“For now, you need not.” The Commander starts toward the door, “for now you must rest and rebuild your strength. I will come to answer your questions once I have completed my duties for the day.” he turns back to the human once more, they lock eyes and Jay can see that sadness still rich within them. “Remember…anything you need.”

And then he’s gone, leaving Jay with more questions than he had before. 

Chapter Text

He’s escorted through another maze of hallways until him Bonewhite stop in front of another door. This time, the Wraith’s growl is accompanied by dropping an oddly shaped key into his hands, “while you may wander as you please, I would not recommend it.” 

Jay laughs nervously, turning the key over in his hands and trying to get a grip on what the hell is going on. Before he can ask what would have been a pointless question, the key is taken from him and he’s shoved inside his door. The key is tossed in after, before the thing shuts. 

He immediately feels around for a light source, surprised when a warm, yellowish light ebbs to a half-lit effect. Looking around, he sees that two columns of light have been placed on parallel corners of the room, and when he wishes them to be brighter, they follow his commands.

‘What the hell?’ he thinks about the mechanics of the kind of technology for few seconds, which ultimately gives him a headache. Sighing, he decides to file it away under “strange things that keep happening to me” and explore the room instead. 

It’s not very large. Just enough for a good-sized bed, a Wraith material table and chair, a dresser, bedside table and…a full-length mirror. 

He turns to go to it, then decides that that might be a bad idea. He already feels incredibly weak, he doesn’t need proof of that just yet.  

Instead, he looks to the bed where, true to the Wraith’s word, a small pile of items sits.

A holster, though no weapon, a watch, and a pair of shades are his only possessions along with the compass and jacket. He scourers them for a first name, but finds only J. Sheppard or J. S. At least it is consistent. After a moment he decides to buckle the hostler around his waist, noting that the last belt hole seems to have never been used before. Now he’s skinny enough that it’s loose even that tightly buckled. He also slides the watch onto his left wrist. The shades go on, the light in the room brightening on que.

The feel of it all…It seems right somehow like this was something Sheppard wore often. Jay can see why. 

The watch ticks, but there’s nothing to say that the time is right out here, or that it isn’t broken. Still, its heavy black metal band and large face are comforting. Absent-mindedly, he feels the sides of it, then digs a finger under where his skin touches and engraving. 

It reads; “To love, life and the universe ahead of us -T 

Ouch…Jay’s heart twists painfully, the watch suddenly even heavier than before. T must be a lover…more than a lover from the tone of the gift. 

Love life and the Universe…it’s a promise of many years to come. Maybe a wedding gift? 

 It hurts that he can’t remember and, he wonders if the one who gave him this is worried about him if they even know where he is…

“God…” He sets the watch down and rubs his face. Maybe the Commander knows where he came from…maybe he should ask.

Bad idea, he wants to put off being eaten. 

His eyes catch the mirror again and, this time curiosity overwhelms him. despite himself, he pads up to it, eyes growing wider each second past the first glance.  
The first thing he notices is how frail he looks. It's not "just came back from the dead" frail but, it’s close. His arms and legs are skinny, his torso similar. His collarbones jut from the base of his neck, matching his sunken cheeks. A shaky hand comes up to touch the hollow, tracing its way then to the bags under his eyes. he looks weary, almost ghost-like. The pale face that stares back at him has chapped lips, a bent nose, and dull green eyes. His brown hair is to his shoulders, but scraggly, limp. He’s got facial hair but, it’s patchy and dead looking at best. Definitely not a beard to be proud of. And no wonder the Wraith can so easily maneuver him, he looks like a rag doll.

There's also this…scar? It runs in three lines from right under his left eye, down his cheek and neck, and disappearing under his shirt. He peels the garment off, praying the lines stop there. Only to be disappointed when although they do, his torso is littered with other, smaller cuts. 

“What the hell happened to me?” Jay says aloud, swallowing his disgust and hurrying the clothes back on. He steps back from the mirror then. Legs shakily from how long he has been standing. 

Now he’s glad he doesn’t remember, who would want to remember all that?

Overwhelmed by his appearance, he retreats through an open archway into the bathroom where a warm, already drawn bath in a floor carved basin greets him. Along the closest wall are bottles of what he assumes is soap and, a towel has been laid out next to the step in.

Did Bonewhite bring him to the wrong room?

No, he couldn’t have, Wraith don’t have four-poster beds. He’s pretty sure Wraith don’t even have real beds at all. Plus his human stuff is here…this is for sure the right room.

Who the hell drew him the bath? 

A voice in the back of his mind says it was the Commander. A confusing heat follows and he shoves it down instantly.

The water looks tempting but, seeing himself naked again is not. As if on command, the lights dim until the room is just barely visible until he can barely see the glow of his own arm.

Deciding that a bath might be worth it, after all, Jay strips, tossing all but his jacket on the floor. The jacket ends up being folded, neatly, next to the towel, and the holster on top. 

He takes a cautious step into the water, moaning at its burning warmth, a temperature made for untying muscle knots. Despite his better judgment, he sinks into the water, allowing it to envelope him. 

He stays under until he can no longer stand the lack of air, taking heavy, greedy breaths once he breaks the surface.

He does it again, savoring how alive the burn makes him feel.

When he eventually does stop, it’s only because he’s too tired to continue. Instead, he leans back, resting his head in a nook, and stares up at the ceiling in thought. 

He should get to washing, but the feeling of simply being submerged is so nice that he just closes his eyes.

Just for a minute…then he’ll get clean.

~

He wakes, with a jolt, to the sound of knocking and realizes he must have fallen asleep. The lights come on full brightness to match his racing heart, and he curses at the intrusion, momentary blindness making him splash backward into the water with a yelp.

“Just a moment!” He shouts when the knocking starts up again.

He races to dry his pruned body and throw something on before his caller just comes into the room himself.

He races to the door, tripping on the pants he hasn’t quite pulled up and slides it open to reveal the Commander. 

The heat returns and is subsequently shut down.

“I see you have found the bath,” the Wraith observes nonchalantly, entering without Jay’s permission.

Not that the Commander of a Hive needs permission from his food. 

“Y-Yeah,” Jay mutters, stepping aside to allow the Wraith to pass. He eyes his captor, waiting for him to speak.

When he doesn’t, Jay adds, “was that you?”

“It was,” The Commander turns to face him, “I have learned over my years that humans enjoy water.”

“U-Uhuh…” is all he can muster, sliding his eyes away from the taller male’s intense stare. “Uh…Thank you…”

“You are welcome,” He sits on one of the chairs, folding one leg up across the other with a strange casualness “Please, sit.”

The debate over whether he should or not ends in Jay just doing what the Commander asks. it’s not like defiance would get him very far. 

There’s a long beat in between that and the Commander asking, “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah,” blurts from Jay’s mouth along with a stomach growl. Come to think of it, it feels like he hasn’t eaten a real meal in months.

“I will ask someone to bring something your stomach can digest.” He looks over Jay with that clinical look again. This time though, Jay is aware enough to tell that it might be hiding another emotion. Probably hunger.

He just nods, then folds his arms across his chest protectively. He has a million questions but, the words seem to die in his throat.

“You must have many questions,” The Commander says for him, leaning forward slightly, “I promised you a conversation, ask me anything you’d like,”

They stare at each other for a little; dull green eyes holding the yellow one’s attention. Jay realizes the Wraith is serious and so he asks, “How long was I in that thing?” 

The Commander’s lips purse a little, “a couple of months, to heal the damage done to your body.”

His hand touches the scar almost on reflex and a sickness rises in him, “Right…” he tears his hand away, “What…happened to me?”

The Wraith’s expression goes dark, “I am not entirely sure…” he lets out a low growl but it doesn’t feel directed at Jay, “But I can only assume that my kind were the culprits.”

“Your kind?” Jay echoes, confused at the sudden show of emotion and the…bite his words have.  

The commander shifts once, then another time, eyes flitting around as if gathering his thoughts, “We found you, alone, on a planet that had recently been culled. You were badly damaged, presumably from fighting Wraith, and most of your clothes had been ripped to shreds, along with your body.” He stands as well, though he makes no moves forward, “It took a couple of months in the cocoon to stabilize you. I assumed you had been living off scraps and small forest life for quite some time, and thus became weak and malnourished. The Hive did the best it could, but most of your healing will have to occur the natural way for your species. Rest and rehabilitation.”

“Culled?” he answers, horrified, and his thoughts go to T, whoever they are. 

“Culled, exceptionally efficiently and without mercy.”

“Do Wraith ever show mercy?” his voice wavers when he says it. Culled? How many died...

‘Some do’ a voice in his head answers.

“It depends on the Wraith, and the planet,” is the Commander’s simple reply.

From this close, and without blind fear, Jay can see the lines he has a crewed, the lack of light in his yellow eyes, the way his body settles in a weary slump. He seems…old, though Wraith do not age. 

“So you found me…why did you keep me? Why not kill me, or keep me in a cage?”

“Cages are tiresome, do you not think?”

Jay’s frown rumples his nose, “Didn’t you promise me answers?” 

“You ask broad questions.”

“What do you want with me?” Jay demands, frowning deeper. It can’t be just to go on like this forever. 

The male shakes his head, long and sad. Something in his expression shifts, the glow of his eyes dull under the weight of his next words; “I knew your planet, traded with your people. It was under my protection and…I failed to protect.” He sighs, long and sad, “We returned to find it ransacked, all it’s people vanished, culled and killed…” His eyes trail over Jay, “I felt compelled to collect you, Jay, I did not wish to see you die off like the rest of them.”

“W-What?” Even Jay can feel the raw guilt and truth of those words. Horror is creeping up his skin. No, it can’t be true…a culling couldn’t really happen to him…could it? The Wraith must be lying…he has to be. 

“I am truly remorseful…”

“You’re lying!” He shouts, standing up despite the dizziness it causes, “you have to be, you-"

“I am not,”

“No you-“ He goes to raise a hand, but fear stops him, “Y-you have to be…”

‘I promise you, I would not lie about a culling. There is no need when you are already on my Hive where there is nothing you could do to escape. If I could tell you that I stole you from your home and family for the purpose of torture then I would simply tell you that. But I cannot.” It’s said with bone-chilling conviction, and it makes Jay stop, suddenly afraid all over again. 

“Really…? Do you…” he gulps, shaky, “Promise?” 

Oh god please be lying…please admit it, please- 

“I promise,” The Commander crosses a hand over his heart in an all too human show of trust, “Cross my heart, as your kind say.”

The sincerity in his voice is all the confirmation the human needs. 

Jay’s head is spinning now, his hand grips the edge of his chair for support and he squeezes his eyes shut, opening them to find dim light has settled over the room. A grief that’s too real pierces him. A loss of a home, of a life. Of friends and family, T? And he’s old enough to have children as well. All faces he cannot remember, all lives that will forever be lost to time.

“You should have-have j-just let me…let me die.” He snaps through blurred vision, crumpling to the ground under the weight of it all.

In an instant, Wraith arms are around him, pulling him to his feet and keeping him steadfast against a heavily muscled chest. 

With a disgusted growl, Jay pushes back against the solid figure, “D-Don’t touch me!” he shouts through tears, wriggling in his grip until the monster lets him go.

He backs away until his back hits a wall, as far away as he can, and stays there.

He’s not sure what he feels, but he knows he doesn’t want a Wraith to comfort him. 

A sadness enters the room, filling the air with a sour note. For a while, the Commander is silent, allowing Jay to cry without any further interference. Finally, finally, he moves towards the door, “Do you wish to be alone?”

“Yes,” Jay snaps, wiping his eyes to make room for more tears.

“Very well…I will get someone to bring you food. Then, I suggest you rest.

”
He nods again, keeping his eyes down until he knows for sure the Commander is gone.

Feeling secure enough to sit, he sinks to the floor and tucks his head between his knees. A whole planet culled. A whole culture, his culture, was destroyed. And the genocide's only living survivor is an amnesiac. 

It’s a lot to process, a lot to deal with. He’s literally alone in the world now, for real. Not just a prisoner on a Hive but, a prisoner with no one looking for him…

He tucks his hands into his pockets for comfort and feels the compass. Even though it wouldn’t work in space, he pulls it out and watches the needle move about, trying to work with the fields around it. Jay empathizes with its distress, its loss of direction. It too has lost its way.

He runs his thumb over the raised bits, noting their design. His planet must have been technologically advanced to some degree to create something like this. It isn’t at all personal, no engravings or indicators that this was a gift just for him. Could he have belonged to a group back there? Some sort of militia or task force?

That would explain this body’s instincts.

Another wave of grief hits him.

It's all gone, all of it.

And here he is, alone. 

Vague echoes pass over him like a shudder; a chorus of days long past. 

‘Not alone’ they tell him, and Jay could almost laugh at what they mean. 

Chapter Text

Jay stays in his room for several days, his only interaction with other living things being when a Wraith brings him the meals his body requires. They are mostly soft, always bland foods that he doesn’t really enjoy the taste of, but going on this body’s condition that’s probably all his stomach can handle. What he does enjoy are the warm teas he’s given to drink them with. They are rich, herbal, and do more to settle his nerves than even the baths he takes. 

There isn’t a lot to do here, Jay being not keen on hanging out with the Wraith and all. So, he spends most of the time bathing, laying on his bed, and thinking. Even late into the night- or the part of the day when he gets tired- he’s thinking. And sleep doesn’t come as naturally as it should. 

He only has a few days worth of memories in his entire life, so most of his thinking is speculative. The past, the future, what will become of him if he regains his memories…or if he doesn’t. Is the Commander lying about his motives for keeping Jay here? Maybe Sheppard was a spy, or military intelligence and the Commander wants the secrets of his home.

That narrative is a little easier to deal with than total planetary annihilation and the origin of his scars, but Jay knows his fantasy can’t be true. 

Mostly, he thinks about T, and the love in his heart. He can’t remember who the person was, but Jay knows Sheppard must have loved them dearly. Intuition tells him that, and he prays it’s true. Jay needs someone to love him right now, even if that person is…dead…or something much worse that Jay can't bear to think about

And, again, he just knows these things. There are certain ideas that Jay just knows are right. Like the truth about his planet or T, or…those scars feel deliberate, and in Jay’s nightmares, he swears he can catch glimpses of the truth. 

When he does sleep, his dreams are infested with images of war, screaming people, and Wraith coming at them in droves. He tries to see them, a face, a body, anything but try as he might they are all blank to him. Merely terrified shadows in the middle of a slaughter. He runs through the crowd of them, shouting out for…someone or something, a name he can never recall in the waking world. 

Or sometimes he’s alone in a dark room, filled with terror at the sound of footsteps…praying that someone will come to save him, find him here, and free him. In his dreams he’s been there forever, countless years since the slaughter...the slaughter that pays on repeat in his head, the shame it brings is almost as overwhelming as the fear. But what is he afraid of?

Those are the worst ones of all.

~

Jay sits in a dark room, so dark that he can scarcely see his own hand in front of his face. He’s huddled against a corner, trembling in fear at the heavy footsteps of someone…something coming toward him. His breathing is ragged, cut short by a band that digs into his neck, a constant cut, infected, nauseating. His whole body aches…he feels old, exhausted. He’s been here for years…so many years…and no one knows it. His friends, family, they all think he’s dead, and no one is coming to get him…they’re never coming to get him…

This is all his fault, his mistake. He should have stopped them, should have tried harder…should have-

Oh god, he’s coming-

The door opens and the human screams, the blinding light shocking him awake.

Jay falls off his bed with a yelp, crashing to the floor in a pile of blankets and pillows 

“G-Get off of me!” he shrikes, because the bedding feels like hands, bruising grips, and merciless control.

Out of the corner of his eye, he swears he sees the flash of movement and his whole body freezes up. he doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe for what feels like forever. Maybe if the monster thinks he’s dead, it’ll go away. When his body finally forces him to take in air, Jay does it as slowly and quietly as he can, ignoring the burning in his lungs. 

It takes him a long time to realize where he is. Not that it helps much, the fear is still potent, the dark hides terrors and monsters Jay can only imagine.

The lights turn on, working up to full strength slowly as to not shock him; Jay’s signal to himself that whatever sleep he hoped to get is a pipedream now.

He gets up, shivering in unease, and stumbles over to his bedside table where the mug of tea sits, leftover from his uneaten dinner. He takes deep gulps, barely taking the time to taste it. This…herbal whatever is the only thing that seems to calm his nerves. Even ice-cold the blend does something to help his shaking hands and racing mind. Next, he reaches for his watch and holds it to his face, trying to get at the love T must have had had for Sheppard. It too, is ice cold, and this time it only makes his stomach flip. 

He’s exhausted, his body beginning for rest, but closing his eyes will definitely send him into a panic attack, his body aches, but the thought of being submerged in water makes him want to vomit. 

A bout of tremors sends the watch falling, where the soft floor keeps it from shattering. He tries to pick it up, but bending over is even worse than standing still. In an instant he’s backed up against a corner, trying to ignore the echoes of pain along his scar lines. 

Fuck, Jay’s on the verge of tears.

He needs to get out of this dammed room, but going out would only mean being vulnerable to Wraith…

Salt splatters to the floor, the human sinks down, wrapping arms around his legs and pulling them close. 

If only he could remember the things that make him act like this, maybe then he could have some sort of control over everything.

Someone knocks on the door, and it's all Jay needs for the spiral to really kick in.

He’s back in that room in an instant, and the presence outside his door has come to…to…he doesn’t know but he knows it will hurt, hurt worse than anything he’s ever been through before.

He wants to shout ‘go away!’ but he knows the creature won’t listen…it never listens. Just talks and mocks, telling Jay of the horrors he will endure, of how much the creature loves having him here, what a prize he is.

What a trophy…

It didn’t use to be like this…there was a time when he was free when he had power, a purpose, a life…the memories are just there, swimming under a lake covered in thick ice. He can’t reach them no matter how hard he tries, yet there they are.

The only thing he can be sure of is that this is all his fault 

“My fault…”

‘Your fault! Your fault! Your fault!'

The door opens, heavy footsteps approach.

‘Your fault! Your fault!’

“Jay? Jay, are you with me? Talk to me,”

He can scarcely hear the other voice, his internal monologue roaring in his ears. It berates him, acid in his mind.

“My fault…” he whispers again, raising his hands to cover his ears.

“No,” the outside voice insists, “Nothing is your fault, come back up to me,”

He’s vaguely aware of a body, and it doesn’t seem threatening. Even so, Jay wants to die knowing someone is so close to him.

Someone’s close to him.

“G-Get away from me!” he shouts into the void, failing his fists out to fight the figure off. His hands meet air, then other hands. Someone laces their fingers with his and tugs him away from his wall. Jay tries to pull away but the figure is too strong. It brings Jay up and rumbles out a commanding “Look at me.”

“No-“

“Jo- Jay, look at me.”

There's something familiar about this voice…something at isn’t immediately dangerous. Jay forces himself to open one eye.

There's a brief moment when Jay sees the Commander that is full of…of love. For a second, a short second, this Wraith is so much more than just a Wraith. He’s recognizable, but more than that is that there’s a history here, a friendship…more…

In this moment he wants those strong arms around him, wants to be pressed up against that figure and held until he calms down. He yearns for the comfort he knows he can get if only he asks. 

Jay all but collapses against him, yanking the male close even as the feeling fades. He buries his face in the Wraith’s chest, inhaling his earthy-sweet scent in a desperate attempt to bring the feeling back. But, the memories are gone, and he can scarcely remember why he felt that way in the first place. 

Still, he stays, clinging to whatever is left over, until physical disgust forces him back. 

When he pulls away, the Commander does too, and grief hangs thick in the air. 

“W-W-What the fuck are you…d-doing here?” Jay stammers out, backing up. His breathing is ragged and he must look insane. That’s the least of his worries.

The Wraith opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. His eyes swirl with grief and Jay can sense a strong longing hanging in the air.

He repeats his question, harsher this time, and it snaps the Commander out of it, “I-I-“ he begins, then scowls and flicks his tongue over his top lip. He takes a moment to gather himself before continuing, almost too casually with a “I was passing by, I sensed you might need some help,” He smooths out the long black coat he wears then holds his arms at his sides like he's trying not to fidget.

“Bullshit.” Jay snaps, anger slowly replacing whatever he felt before, “I don’t need anything, get the fuck out of my room.” 

What follows next is fear, which Jay shoves down despite how it makes him shake. He can’t be weak in front of this male again…

Jay catches the Commander's eyes and they are swirling with pity and pain.

“You need not pretend here,” The Commander says softly, he starts to take a step forward but thinks better of it and instead backs up, “Believe me I have danced the fine line between rest and restlessness before,”

“S-So?”

“So, I find myself disturbed this night as well. When I am unable to rest, I usually go for a walk around my Hive, I thought you might like to join me.”

Jay seizes up “A…A walk?” 

“Yes, to clear your head and provide a change of scenery. Or would you rather stay here with your demons?”

Jay doesn’t answer that because he knows the Commander is right. He needs to get out of this place before he goes insane, and so that maybe his comfort actives might start to work again. 

“It is an offer, not a command,” The Wraith informs, “I will not mind if you refuse.”

“Will you?” he runs a hand through his hair nervously. He doesn’t want to, at the same time he desperately does. And this might be his only chance to get out for the next while. 

The Commander shrugs, stepping back. Upon closer inspection, Jay can see just how weary he appears. His matted hair is tousled, his coat rumbled as if he had tried to sleep in it. His eyes are bagged, and dull, and his posture is must less than it was before.

He doesn’t seem like a threat… 

‘Go with him, it could do you good,’

‘Or I could be a buffet,’

‘Go with him.’

Jay sighs, accepting defeat, and nods to the Commander. A walk would do him good, and getting a better layout of the ship would do him better. “Lead the way…”

~

They don’t talk much, not at first. Jay just follows behind the Wraith, scanning the surrounding area for landmarks (there are none) and trying to memorize the path they take (impossible). 

His nightmare has left him raw and feeling naked, he jumps at every shadow, every sound. 

Several minutes go by before the Commander’s multitoned voice says, “I am not going to endanger you, Jay, I swear by it,”

The comment makes him jump, then fall back a few inches, promoting another bout of silence.

As he watches the Commander walk, Jay’s mind wanders back to what he said about sleep and nightmares. He didn’t even know that Wraith slept…and the mental image of one waking up like he had, terrified and lost, is little comfort. What could possibly scare a Wraith? The thought of it is nauseating.

If the Commander has demons, they are probably way worse than Jay’s.

Finally, they arrive at a small alcove with a bench sprouting from the walls. Jay can’t help but sit down, his thin legs exhausted. He can’t bring himself to stand again when the Commander joins him on the bench.

From out a window opposite them, Jay can see hyperspace. He fixes his gaze on it and takes a deep, relaxing breath. Something about those streaks and glowing hues is comforting, no one can find him in hyperspace. 

“Where are we going?” He asks quietly, then regrets it immediately. 

The Commander shrugs, the rise and fall of his shoulders obviously deliberate effort instead of a natural thing. Jay hadn’t noticed before, but much of the Commander’s actions around him seem to be a bit unnatural, “Another settlement,”

A sinking feeling pool’s in Jay’s gut, “To cull…?”

The Wraith shakes his head, “No,” he doesn’t offer up much more than that. Jay doesn’t push, satisfied with no.

They fall into another, more comfortable silence, Jay turns his attention back to the window and stares lazily out at the world around them. The edges of his nightmare are dulling, leaving room for the more pleasant existence of the waking world. 

A walk really had been the thing he needed, but he’s still unsure as to why the Commander cared to take him on one. 

“Why am I here?” He asks after a long enough amount of time has gone by. “I-I mean I know why I’m here but…why am I…” he gestures around himself. 

“Here?” the Commander muses, turning his head to face Jay.

The human swallows, “yeah…”

The Wraith sighs, settling back against the wall, “In truth, I do not know…perhaps I thought we might…” He stops himself, flicks his tongue out over his top lip again, then shifts his gaze away, “I thought you might be having nightmares…” he does the tongue thing yet again and runs a hand over his matted hair. 

Jay gets the idea and a lump forms in his throat. “Wraith…care about that sort of stuff?” 

“Some Wraith,” The Commander shifts, and feel’s that he’s closer now. 

“I enjoyed your people, Jay. They were intelligent as well as technologically advanced. I would visit with my Hive often, and they were always welcoming. Any feeding was a personal choice.”

“How kind of you,” Jay can’t help but bite back.

“Not all peoples are as worthy as yours was,” The Wraith admits, “and I will not hide that part of my nature.”

“The murderous part?”

“The part that seeks to live,”

Jay holds back a snort, he sits up a little straighter, “What does this all have to do with me? I mean, why not just drop me off on some habitable planet and be done with it? I’m just one man, not a whole people.”

“Nowhere is safe from Wraith,” the Commander admits. “And, to my own error, I wish for you to stay alive. I am only hoping you will grow to like life here among my people, and in time, perhaps become accustomed to me.”

“Be your friend?” his shock is evident, his repulsion at the forefront, “No thanks.” 

Jay can tell the comment hurts The Commander, but he doesn’t really care about that. This male might have invited him out, and he may have accepted, but that doesn’t mean Jay wants to be his friend.

In the end, the male simply shrugs, “We will be at the settlement in about 14 of your sleep cycles. I cannot keep you from leaving if you wish to, but I will not drop you off before then,”

Jay looks at him quizzically, trying to decide if the Wraith is serious or not. in the end, he mumbles an “Alright…” and the pair start back to Jay’s room. 

~

These walks become something of a tradition, the Commander coming by before lunch every day after that to invite Jay out. And every day, against his better judgment, the human agrees.

They follow the same route each time, and each day Jay memorizes a little more of it. After a week, he’s certain he can find his way to the bench and back on his own, not that he’d ever try it. 

The walks also seem to be helping Jay’s nightmares. The past two days he’s only had one, and it wasn’t nearly as potent as before. Then again, maybe it’s the chance to get out of his own head and into another’s that’s helping.  The past few days, Jay has been finding it harder not to talk to his walking companion, and by the end of the week, he’s almost looking forward to the chance.

They talk of Hive happenings, a little gossip, and what the duties of a Commander entail. It seems like the Wraith is almost constantly occupied with something, which inadvertently makes the fact that the Commander likes to take Jay along for his alone time, a little flattering. Just a little though.

Jay also talks, though he doesn’t have much to talk about. He’s loathed to bring up his nightmares and doesn’t want to mention T, so a quick overview of his morning and an update on how he’s recovering is pretty much all Jay has to offer. 

Today, the Commander is spelling out, in great detail, the conclusion of a month’s long bet he and his Second had. Jay doesn’t understand most of the activities or words his walking partner uses and talks about, but the teenagerish quality of the bet is funny all the same. 

“All that for a bet? Seriously?” Jay chuckles, covering it with a cough.

“Indeed,” The Commander rumbles, a humorous lilt to his voice, “I do not desire to lose to Bonewhite, no matter how much damage control I may be required to perform after,”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t have guessed the Commander of a Hive would stoop to drone-work,”

“Aye,” the pair make eye contact, “But I am not so proud in terms of him,”

Against his better judgment, Jay presses, “Known each other long then?”

“Only about six thousand years,” his eyes twinkle when he says it, and Jay can’t help but laugh.

Something about all this must please the Commander because the Human swears he hears a purr.

“Must be nice to…have that kind of friendship,” he responds, a lump in his throat. His thoughts fly back to T. 

The Commander shrugs again, sidestepping to be closer to Jay, “You will have that again one day, I am sure of it,”

“With who, you?” Jay's only half-joking there, and it's kind of alarming.

Are the pair even friends yet? Because Jay definitely doesn’t see him as an enemy anymore. If the Commander was human, the answer would be an automatic yes. They enjoy each other's company, hold conversations and see each other regularly. That’s a friend in Jay’s opinion. Yet this Wraith feels more like a keeper than a companion. 

“If you wish it,” The Wraith says softly.

Jay sighs, falling a step behind. 

Before long, the Wraith makes a turn Jay hadn’t expected. The human stops in his tracks, distrust seeping back into their relaxed moment.

The Commander turns back, then cocks his head questioningly, “It is simply a change, of course, some new scenery,”

Jay eyes him, anxiety prickling over his skin, “What’s wrong with the old route?”

“I grow tired of repetition, that is all,”

Jay still doesn’t move.

The Commander sighs, “Jay, if I wanted to hurt you I would have done so already. There is literally no one here to stop me,”

‘That’s what I’m worried about…’

Despite his thoughts, his feet carry him forward and down a new, unfamiliar corridor. 

The awkwardness settles back in, and Jay distracts himself yet again with trying to learn it. That is until the pair takes a turn into an open room.

To say this is a change of scenery is a huge understatement. What Jay stands before is a bioluminescent forest of roots, flowers, and leaves. Planets, so strange, so alien that they might as well be an extension of the Hive crawl every inch of the area. They sprout with blue, purple, and green flowers, some as big as Jay’s head, others small as his pinky nail. White leaves around from the vines, cracked with glowing blue and green. They all move towards the center, where a grand tree-like structure rises, brilliant reds and oranges along its bark. Instead of sprouting into a tree, it connects to the Hive’s ceiling and branches out to meld with it. 
“This is the heart of the Hive,” The Commander clarifies, stepping very carefully onto the broken-up pathway that circles the tree structure. Jay does the same, noting how the vines seem to glow a bit brighter when they sense the Commander’s presence.

“It acts as a life source, drawing and recycling our life support, and pumping fluid to its extension. The mist you see is its own nutrients, which it creates.”

“A self-sustaining life form…” Jay mutters, in awe. “So your ships really are alive?” 

“As alive as you or I,” he answers, “We live symbiotically with it. We provide upkeep and company, it provides life support, a home, and the mist, which helps to keep us clean and our skin maintained.”

“Maintained?”

“Wraith need a moisture-rich atmosphere to keep our skin hydrated and healthy. The Hive provides that for us,” He lays his hand across the trunk of the tree and the whole thing lights up, a deep vibrating purr echoes around the room.

Jay almost jumps out of his skin, and the Commander laughs, “relax, it is just happy to see me.” He touches his forehead with the trunk, and Jay gets the feeling that the both of them are doing much more than touching.

When the Commander pulls away he seems…more relaxed somehow, like the Hive has taken a weight off his mind. Standing there like that he almost looks…friendly? 

No, but the word there is one Jay won’t touch.

“Why did you bring me here?” the human questions, meeting eyes with the male. The pupils are slivers in the light, the glow of amber even more intense than Jay had remembered. 

The ghost of something crosses the Commanders face, he sends it away and answers, “I often come here when I desire a quiet place to think and…discuss,” he runs his hand along the tree and it responds accordingly, “while you cannot connect the way I can, I aim to provide a place of solace for you…you are still hurting, yes?”
“Yes…” there’s a lump in Jay’s throat now, and tears sting his eyes. his hand is on the watch before he can stop himself. He looks around at the alien structure, attempting to take it all in in the way the Commander wants. The closer he looks, the more familiar and comforting it seems. Which in turn only serves to make him uncomfortable at the thought that there’s something here he can’t remember.

And there definitely is. It hangs in the atmosphere as thick as the mist that coats the place. A word is here, a feeling. Jay draws back, avoiding the Commander's eyes.

Desperate to fill the space, he asks, “does the uh…the Hive…know I’m here?”

“Yes, and not only when you are in this room. You have noticed the lights in your quarters?”

“Oh…that’s what that is?”

“It is. You are human of course, so it cannot do what it does for us, but it senses you all the same..." he trails off, looking into the distance for a moment before snapping his attention back to Jay, "I have to be at the helm. Would you like to be dropped at your first, or would you care to accompany me?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to be around other Wraith,”

“Very well,”

They arrive at his door and say goodbye for the night, Jay itching to be alone again at the same time as hoping the Commander might begin another conversation or offer the invitation of joining him at the helm once more. He doesn’t, and the human is left alone with his thoughts. 

He draws another bath, a second one for today, and sinks into the warm water with a sigh. Try as he might, images of that room play on repeat in his head. Had he been there before? Seen another like it? And why really had the Commander brought him there? Jay really doubts that the Wraith cares about Jay’s mental health that much, even if they’re becoming…closer. 

He swipes a hand through the water, recalling the effect of slitted eyes and hands on the heart of a Hive. The Commander is…something that Jay can’t put his finger on. He seems nice enough, if vaguely predatory even in a relaxed state. He seems weary, but bitterly joyful. Tired, but distinctly powerful. And most of all, he’s odd. Asking a human to get to know him? Allowing an almost stranger into the most vulnerable part of his home? What had Jay done to earn the Wraith’s trust? 

And could Jay allow the Wraith his?

Could they be friends?

Or is this all some sort of game he’s playing, so that consuming Jay is all the more satisfying? That seems more Wraith, but Jay can’t truly believe it…at least, he doesn’t think he can.

~

They return to the heart the next day, and this time they sit on a wide platform knees tucked to their chests, observing the ebb and flow of life. Jay wants to say something, but the Commander’s stare is distant and detached as if he’s off in another world. 

So instead, he looks down at the vines, trying to gather up the courage to reach out and touch one. He wonders if the Hive reacts to any touch, or if Wraith are so intertwined with their home that it will only respond to them. He thinks Wraith are telepathic, but does that extend to the Hive?

“You may touch,” the Commander’s deep rumble almost sends Jay flying and sensing that distress, the Wraith laughs.

A laughing Wraith is almost stranger than a chucking Wraith, and just as unnerving, but not in a horrible way. Jay glares at the male but it’s not angry, more playful. 

The Wraith growls in a way that also feels playful, and reaches out to stroke the vines below him, “but I cannot guarantee they will respond. The Hive is fickle, it prefers its Commander and Second to anyone else.”

Somehow, Jay isn’t surprised. Still, he reaches out to touch the vines. They shift under his fingertips, a soft glow lighting up his hand. He smiles, running a fingertip over one. It stays still, but Jay can feel it relax as if it knows he isn’t a threat.

Perhaps the Commander told them so…

“Are Wraith telepathic?” 

“Extremely,” he responds, sitting up straight, “But it is more complicated than simply hearing your thoughts.” He bends down again, this time touching closer to Jay’s own hand. “Emotion, posture, scent. All these play a role in our capabilities. And while it is true that Wraith can read each other's minds, it is usually narrowed down to the Wraith on a Hive. We are connected…by the Hive, each other…” he locks eyes with Jay, and the emotion behind his eyes is unreadable.

“Could you…” he gulps, “can you hear me?”

“Perhaps,” a smile tugs the corners of his lips, “if I were to try. Your human mind is much more malleable than a Wraith’s,” there’s a ‘but’ in the air.

“But?”

“But a clear read, that would require either incredible force or incredible trust,”

That makes Jay frown, looking back down at the vines. He hadn’t ever considered that there could be force involved. It made sense though. If a Wraith wanted to read Jay’s mind, he wouldn’t go down without a fight. As for trust…He raises his head to meet the Commander’s eyes. They’re still wrought with the same strange emotion and an intensity that makes Jay feel naked again. 

Clearing his throat, he rises to his feet to escape the awkwardness. The Commander just leans back, eyes still on Jay. The human gets the idea that some kind of mental read is going on, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. Instead, he makes his way closer to the tree, concentrating on its movement. He hadn’t noticed yesterday, but the vines around the tree are translucent, flowing with some sort of liquid, and there is a pulse there. Maybe he should start calling them veins…

He doesn’t notice the Commander is right behind him until the male speaks, “Would you like to touch it?”

Suppressing a shiver, Jay cranes his neck back to discover that the two are close.

Too close. He steps forward, right off the edge of the path.

A horrible feeling fills his falling body. He’s either going to injure the heart or it’s going to eat him like some kind of carnivorous plant. Maybe this was the Commander's plan all along? A sacrifice to the Hive?

He doesn’t get to find out, however, because the Wraith’s strong hands grab Jay’s arms and flip him before the human can even make contact. 

In that instant, Jay realizes just how strong this male is. The effortless way he hold’s Jay’s leaning body in suspension is frankly terrifying. what’s worse is how weak Jay is in comparison. He doubts, even in peak condition, that he could dent this Wraith.

He stares at the male with eyes blown wide, trying not to think of how easily he could be dropped again. 

“You need to be more careful,” The Wraith informs with sudden seriousness. He still hasn’t put Jay back on his feet, and the human is trying his best not to let his heart rate spiral too far out of control. No doubt the Alian can feel it, “I may not be so close next time, and all species have their defense systems.”

“Uh…uhuh…” 

It’s only once he’s back on his feet that Jay can breathe again. He mumbles out a “Thanks,” rubbing the places on his arms where long fingers had gripped skin. 

The Commander gives him a pointed look, then relaxes back into a casual posture, “I think that is enough for today.”

~

“So…uh…” Jay rub’s the inside of his left foot against his right, fingering at the side of his open door, “see you…tomorrow?” He can still feel the Commander on him, and he doesn’t hate it as much as he wants to.

“I will be by before lunch as always,” he answers from his position leaning against the wall opposite Jay’s door.

Lunch…the word triggers something in Jay, and, for reasons completely unknown to him he blurts out, “you could stay,” shit.

The Commander frowns, “Stay?”

Goddamnit, it’s too late to back out now. 

“Yeah…” heat rises to his cheeks, “stay…uh…eat lunch with me? Ya know, uh…like uh…” he hops from foot to foot, hoping the Commander gets what he’s trying to say without him having to say ‘friends’

The Wraith chuckles, something of a smile on his face, “I would enjoy that,” 

Jay gulps, regretting the offer of letting a dangerous predator into his space. Then the voice in his head reminds him that the Commander could have eaten Jay at any time this past week and didn’t. besides…Jay kinda feels like he owes the Wraith something after…all of what this week has been.

Owe actually isn’t the right word. The right word is want. He wants the Commander to stay.

Chapter Text

Jay’s heart is beating out of his chest by the time the pair return to his room the next day. He still can’t believe he invited the Commander over, and he still can’t believe the Wraith accepted. He’s also praying that the Wraith hasn’t misconstrued the whole thing, Jay doesn’t know much about Wraith customs regarding humans, and he hopes that he hasn’t just made himself into a meal, or…

The thought of the other option makes him blush.

Hopefully, this will just be a normal lunch between too friendly acquaintances, then the Commander will be on his way.

“Here we are…” He waves his hand over the door’s censor, then steps back to invite the Wraith to go first. His heart rate increases tenfold, his knees quiver and a lump congeals in his throat. There's a moment where neither of them moves, their eyes just stay locked on each other, and, for a second Jay swears he can see a similar nervousness in the male’s eyes.

“Uh…a-after you…” he clarifies, heat rising to his cheeks. He shifts his stance and his eyes dart around the room.

The Commander nods, taking a slow but sure step into the human’s space.

After a moment’s hesitation and a lot of mental wrestling, Jay follows. The door shuts behind him with an organic thump of finality.

No sooner than a few seconds later, the Commander’s multitoned voice asks, “Is it alright with you if I remove my coat?”

Jay balks, confused embarrassment plain on his face.

He can tell the Wraith is suppressing a chuckle when he clarifies, “it is much warmer in here than the rest of the Hive, but I understand if-“

“No,” Jay cringes, trying to calm the parts of him the threaten to spring out from his skin, “No, it’s okay…I-I mean it’s not like you don’t have clothes on- wait. Do you…uh…y-you do have cloth’s-“

“Yes Jay, I wear garments under my coat,”

“O-Of course you do…” He tugs at his own shirt collar, looking down at his feet. He has no idea why he’s reacting this way, to a very recently stranger turned…something. And about an alien no less. Albeit a humanoid alien, but an alien nonetheless. He’s got green skin, yellow eyes, and razor fangs that still scare Jay a little. The human should not be this nervous about seeing the Wraith without a coat.

Yet he is, and Jay doesn’t know what that says about him.

When he finally gathers the courage to look up, the Commander is settling his coat on the back of a chair.

‘Oh…’

He’s a lot, lot, lot more ripped than Jay would have imagined. And even though his chest and legs are completely covered, the material is skintight. His arms are decorated with swirling black marks that are dark like his face tattoo. Jay wonder’s what they mean, he also wonders if the Commander can hear him ogling.

Ogling? Is he ogling? Oh god, he might be…

The same torrent of confusion rises up in him, a crash course in sexuality if you will. The voice in Jay’s head is telling him he’s attracted to men.

‘Fucking obviously,’ he shoots back, ‘helpful, thanks.’

And he’d known that, of course. He was an amnesiac, not a child. He knew what men and women looked like, knew on the subconscious level that everyone does, that both were fine by him. And now, confirmed on a conscious level, it isn’t a revelation, just a thought no more significant to Jay than understanding night and day. 

Thinking the Commander is handsome, however, a revelation, and a worrying one.

He’s a Wraith, after all, a predator. Prey isn’t supposed to like its predator.

There's a bout of awkward silence, then a knock. Relieved by the distraction, Jay goes to retrieve the food. He’s shocked to see two plates and throws the Commander a questioning glance.

“Wraith can consume human nutrients,” The Commander explains, taking one of the plates and thanking the Wraith that brought it with a nod.

“Huh…” Jay sets his plate down, he waits for the Wraith to sit before doing so himself.

They meet eyes again, and the Commander smiles at him as if he can’t hear the commotion inside Jay’s head or smell the shame that rises from him.

And while that’s frustrating, it’s also a relief that the Commander isn’t going to bring it up. Jay needs to work this one out on his own.

Preferably as far away from Wraith as possible.

Sensing Jay’s wandering mind, the Commander uncovers Jay’s food for him. the aroma of new spices wafts through the air, dragging Jay back to the present

He’s incredibly shocked, and pleased, to see solid food that doesn’t look like a greyscale. Enthsucitcially, he cuts into the meat and shives a bit into his mouth.

A plethora of spices overwhelm him in the best way. It’s heaven, “Shit,” he grins after swallowing “that’s different,”

“Good?”

“Delicious, best I’ve had so far,”

He nods in Jay’s direction, and when he does the human spots a glint of gold from around his neck.

“What’s that?” he asks, pointing. Conversation is what the pair need right now.

The Wraith stops, hand going to his neck and a look of displeasure crossing his face, “What is what?”

Jay’s going to push it anyway, “Your necklace,”

“Ah…” with a look of reluctance, the Wraith pulls it out.

Hanging from the end of a gold chain is a wedding band that glitters with a dark red, alien-looking stone.

“You’re married?” the words fly out of Jay's mouth before he can stop them. He goes red directly after, dropping his fork in embarrassment. It clatters against his plate deafeningly. Married, fuck, he’s ogling a married man. The disappointment that hits Jay next almost knocks him to the floor.

The Wraith is silent for a while, his long fingers play with the bands, his eyes dart around aimlessly. When he speaks, his voice is full of grief, “I was…”

Jay's face falls, “Oh…oh…oh shit I’m so sorry-“ of fucking course, even this conversation was going to be awkward.

“No,” he says harshly, then fixes his tone when Jay winces and says “It is alright. I do not wear it to forget about him.”

Silence, thick and unbearable silence. It takes Jay several bites of his food to build up the courage to ask, “What uh…what was his name…?”

“John,” the ghost of a smile crosses the Commander’s lips, his eyes are swirling with despair and…want.

Jay thinks it’s odd that a Wraith would have such a human name, but he doesn’t comment, “How long were you uh…married?”

“Only one of your years, but he meant more to me than anyone I’d ever met,” he sighs, sitting back in his chair, “every day I try and live in a way that would make him proud to call me his,”

Jays surprised at the humanity of that and shocked at how much conviction laces the Commander’s pained voice. All he can say is; “I-I…I’m sorry for your loss…”

The Commander sighs, putting the necklace back, “It was long ago…yet I…” he looks away from Jay, as if the human reminds him of something, “Still feel him around me. It is like that for Wraith…even with a human…”

“Human?” Jay's shock is evident, “He was human?”

“The best of his kind,”

John…Jay works it over in his mind, trying to conjure up this person who could love a Wraith like that. In the end, he comes up with nothing except a creepy feeling that this John is more than he appears to be.

“Do you have a name?” the human asks to draw the conversation away from…whatever this is.

Again, eyes full of pain, quickly shut down, “A name?”

“Yeah, a name…”

The Wraith considers this for a little while. Minutes of more silence tick by, the only sounds are the scrape of metal on ceramic. When he finally answers, his voice is once again thick with grief. “I have many…but you may…” he stops, his head cocks to the side. When he straightens his face is clear of all emotion, “Todd, you may call me Todd,”

Jay snorts, chuckles then covers it with a cough that turns into a laugh again, “Todd?”

He smiles as well, “Humans gave me the name, it is only fitting than humans use it for me,”

Jay shrugs, he can’t stop another chuckle though, “It’s just…you don’t look like a Todd,”

“And you do not particularly look like a ‘Jay’ but these are the names we have chosen for ourselves,”

A grin spreads across Jay’s face, “Fair enough,” He then gets up, suddenly compelled to share a part of him as well. “I want to show you something. A kind of show you mine show me yours kind of thing,”

“Oh?” Todd cocks his head again, long white hair shifting over his shoulder.

Jay unlatches his watch, feeling the weight of it once before passing it over to Todd, “I think it’s from Sheppard’s partner,”

“Your partner?”

Jay shrugs, “Sheppard’s,”

“Very well,” he turns it over in his big hands, being noticeably delicate until he finds the inscription. He reads it to himself first, posture shifting to denote an air of respect, “To love, life and the universe ahead of us…T,” he says softly.

Something about the way he says it sends shivers down Jay’s spine

“Whoever this is from loves you very much, Jay,” He cradles it to his chest for a moment before he hands it back.

“Problem is I can’t remember who they are…”

“Perhaps it is satisfactory to know you have known love, even if you do not remember it,”

“Try being an amnesiac, then tell me what you think is better.”

“I am simply saying,” Todd leans forward, “That you were not alone, and that that is a beautiful thing to be,”

That draws a smile out of John, and he leans forward in mirror, effectively bridging the emotional gap between the two males.

~

The Commander, Todd, spends the rest of the day in Jay’s room. The human isn’t sure if the Wraith just doesn’t have a lot to do today or if he’s just ignoring his responsibilities, but he doesn’t particularly care. He likes spending time with Todd, and it’s nice to just sit here with him and talk. No Wraith Hive walls, strange liquids, or threatening plants to worry about. For the first time in his short life, Jay is completely relaxed, and around a Wraith no less.

They lounge, on the chairs at first, but migrate to the floor about an hour into the day. Both totally relaxed, comfortable in each other’s space. It almost feels, at this moment, like the two have known each other for years instead of a handful of weeks.

“Hey, isn’t someone gonna come looking for you?” Jay asks reluctantly. His watch shows that five hours have passed, and he feels a little obligated to at least bring it up.

Todd shakes his head, white hair rustling, brushing his shoulders. He pours himself a bit more of a strange, floral sweet drink he’d sent one of his Wraith to bring. To Jay’s knowledge, it isn’t alcoholic, at least not to humans. But Todd doesn’t seem drunk either, just happy, “I asked Bonewhite to cover me for today,”

“When did you ask that?”

Todd raises a brow ridge, pointing to his head.

Jay’s cheeks flush, he looks down at his drink, at the little particles that swirl, suspending like glitter in the rosy fluid, “Right…is that hard?”

“Hard?”

“To hear everyone’s thoughts all the time? I couldn’t imagine it,”

“Is it hard to speak, Jay? To eat or sleep as you do? Is your breath laborious even as you go about your day?”

“I'll take that as a no…”

“Indeed,” he stretches out, glass in hand, and eyes the human with amusement. “Still, I understand why you would ask. The mental bond is not something which can be understood without having been experienced for oneself.”

Jay lets that sit, he takes a deep gulp of his drink while he waits for something intelligent to come to mind. Todd speaks so eloquently as if every word is hand-picked, mulled over a million times before it's spoken out loud. Yet the delivery suggests an air of uncomfortableness like the Wraith truly does have to think through his words before he says them. Not stilted per se…but it doesn’t flow. Another question strikes him, and before he can stop himself he’s asking, “Is this your first language?”

The question catches Todd of guard. His whole body stills.

Jay is kicking himself for asking such a rude question when the Commander smiles, showing fangs in a way that’s somehow not threatening.

“It is, in fact, not. Not many pick up on that, actually,” he admits, relaxing once again, “Truly I do not possess a real first language. Perhaps native Wraith, but most of my youth was spent conversing through mental links. It is why I tend to sound stilted in comparison to you,”

Jay has to chuckle at that, “I think you sound more eloquent than stilted,”

“Kind, but I would not be offended if you agreed with me,”

“You think I’d lie to a Wraith?” Jay tosses out, the beginnings of a grin on his face.

“Would you?” The Commander slides closer, leaving his drink behind.

“No…” Jay looks down at his lap but makes no effort to pull away.

“Never?”

“Never.”

 Never is a strong stance to take, Jay.”

“Yeah…” he bites his lips, “well I can’t really see myself talking to another Wraith besides you anyway so…”

There's a beat of silence, then Todd is closer, close enough that Jay can feel his breath warm on the back of his neck, “So?”

With a gulp, Jay looks up to meet the Wraith's yellow eyes, surprised to see that they’re blown wide, the black almost comply blocking out the color.

Before he can stop himself, he’s howling with laughter.

Todd scowls, “What is so-“

“Dude have you seen yourself in a mirror lately?!” he holds his fingers up in circles around his own eyes, “Mooneyes much?” something tells him he should probably stop laughing, but he can’t it. “They’re-They’re like saucers all dilated like that!”

The Commander opens his mouth to defend himself, but Jay shoves a finger against his lips to shush him, “No, no don’t speak, just let me look at you,” he giggles to a die out, laugher finally calming down under Todd’s intense stare. The Wraith is not amused, but neither does he look threatening. So Jay feels comfortable teasing, “looks derpy,”

“Derpy…”

“Yeah, derpy,” He’s once again hit with a string of chuckles, and a deep pity for the poor male who looks utterly dumbstruck, like this conversation couldn’t have possibly get further away from where it was supposed to go. Wherever that was.

Jay finds himself apologizing, pleading his case to a docile predator that slowly regains a look of amusement as Jay stumbles through an explanation. Finally, in a decision to put the human out of his misery with two simple words, “More drink?”

“Y-yes please,” he squeaks out behind bashful eyes. he keeps his gaze fixed on Todd’s pour.

“You know,” the alien remarks as he sets the jug down, “There are elements of your appearance that I too find amusing,” his dark eyes sparkle, lip pulled back into a smirk that tells Jay Todd’s not letting this one go.

“Oh you don’t have to-“

“Your brow ridge hair resembles the egg sack of a Minetan bushworm, for one,”

“Oh come on man-“

“And then there is the matter of your teeth which can barely shred your meals down. The gummy nature of your skin, of course, is-“

“Alright, alright,” Jay gives him a playful glare, “You win, I get it.”

Todd’s purr is audible. He flops over against the leg of Jay's bed and rakes the human over with entirely too much purpose. He’s about to say something else when his head jerks to the side, utterly still for several beats.

“uh…?”

With one fluid motion, Todd rises, stretching a hand out for Jay, “I am needed at the helm, you will join me?”

Jay still mid-reach, a frown obscuring his features. Before he can respond, however, the Commander is saying, “you must trust by now that I will not harm you, this extends to my crew. None will hurt you, Jay, I swear. Now I would like to show you this part of myself.”

After a brief debate, Jay decides “fuck it” and allows the Commander to help him rise, falling behind him for the journey to the helm.

~

The walk is long and mostly unremarkable. It’s only Jays own anxiety about being around other Wraith that keeps him alert. He trusts Todd, sure, but does he really trust the other Wraith? The answer is a deafening “turn back now” no. Yet his trust in Todd, and desire to keep the Wraith as a…a something, is strong enough to keep him walking forward.

Walking past endless walls of membrane and tissue, the occasional light, and a thick floor of fog that is actually quite wet in this area.

Just as he’s about to ask “how much longer?” in the voice a child might use when wanting to annoy their parents, the pair turns into a huge room full of Wraith bustling to and fro. Around the room is Wraith tech that looks like something out of a nightmare. So in other words, perfectly at home with Wraith.

All the males pause what they’re doing to acknowledge their Commander. It’s brief, but, at that moment before the movement returns, Jay can see just how much authority Todd Commands. The way he stands, arms folded over his chest, surveying his crew, the way they look back expectedly, the fluidity of the act, it all screams power. Jay’s knees suddenly turn to jelly and he wobbles. Todd’s hand goes out to steady him and at that moment Jay only feels weaker.

Luckily, he’s saved by Bonewhite who hurries over, passing Todd a tablet. They share a second of staring, then Todd breaks from the group to handle something on the tablet, leaving Wraith and human alone.

Bonewhite slides his gaze over Jay’s body, “You look…better,”

“W-What?” Jay barely hears him, he’s too caught up in the memory of Bonewhite dragging his naked body through the Hive to what he’d then believed was certain death.

“I said you look better,” His tone is laced with exasperation, he looks longingly out at the Hive.

“Oh…uh…yeah…”

“Intelligible,” Bonewhite chuckles to himself, quickly shutting the whole thing down when he’d met with Jay’s confused stare.

At that moment Jay swears he sees a little bit of grief, then the Wraith’s solid mask is back on and he’s looking out at another Wraith with a look of displeasure.

A strange feeling crawls up Jay’s spine, but he chalks it up to nerves and asks, “What did you need him for?”

“Not much,” Bonewhite admits, “but the crew like it when he is present.

Jay searches his face for a lie, “The crew like it? Don’t you guys have that mental thing?”

“Indeed,”

“Then why would you need him here?”

“Take a guess, human,” he says casually, the beginnings of a sly smile on his face. It takes Jay a moment to realize he’s being played with. And another moment to realize that “needed at the helm” was a direct ploy to draw Jay out to show him more sections of Todd’s home.

He doesn’t know why, but the realization makes him blush, “S-So…he’s serious about…” He doesn’t finish but he's pretty sure Bonewhite understands anyways.

The Wraith shrugs in confirmation, a gesture that looks even more alien on him, “It would appear so,”

“Why on Earth does he even care about me?”

The Wraith around Jay all freeze, Bonewhite’s face crumples for a split second. They all stare at Jay like they’re waiting for him to say something. And by the looks on their faces, it’s supposed to be something serious. Sensing the tension, Todd migrates slowly over to Jay, still tapping on his screen with a casualness that looks crafted.

Jay searches his mind for the strange thing he said, but he can’t come up with anything and, by the time the Commander has made his way back to the human’s side, the other Wraith have given up their waiting.

Bonewhite sighs, leaning against the wall and eyeing Todd expectantly.

Jay pushes the incident out of his, chalking it up to paranoia. He adopts the same expression and folds his arms over his chest, “You know, next time just ask me to come with you and I will,”

Todd looks up from his tablet and right past Jay to Bonewhite who simply smirks.

With an exaggerated eye roll, Todd turns his attention back to Jay and there’s a little shyness in his eyes, “Come, I will demonstrate how the controls work,”

“Sure,”

Todd leads him to the center of the room where a large flat surface rests, covered in vines and webbing. Its screen is rustic looking, and a language that Jay can’t read floats across.

“What’s it saying?”

“This is the Command center, It will show me any information about the Hive that I wish to know,”

“How?” he doesn’t see any buttons, just two levers.

Todd smirks and taps his head, “we are connected, it and I.”

Jay nods, observing the whole thing. It’s strange, but not as strange as he’d been expecting. He’s got no real idea how technologically advanced his own people were, but he guesses that Wraith are ahead of just about everyone. There's also this strange desire to touch it that blooms inside him.

“Would you like to touch?” the Commander asks lowly, sending a chill up Jay’s spin. Thankfully Jay doesn’t fall on his face this time.

“Y-Yes actually…”

Todd grins, “place your hands on the controls,”

Jay complies, surprised at how soft they are. Then he’s surprised at the sensation of large, clawed hands covering his own and shifting his grip a little, “Not so rough,”

The Commander is practically wrapped around him, large body encircling his smaller one in a case of muscle. Even though the coat is back on, the memory of his physique is ripe in Jay's mind, and the memory is doing to calm his beating heart.

“W-What do I do now?” he chokes out.

“Relax,” Todd purrs, bringing their hands forward a little and exhaling, “close your eyes, pay attention only to the Hive and I,”

He doesn’t even protest, his eyes snap shut and his body relaxes just as easily as it was startled.

“That is it,” Todd praises, breath warm against the back on Jay’s neck, “try and feel with me,”

Jay gulps, heart rate spiking further. He’s deciding if he’s okay with this or not when a…sensation washes over him. Through Todd, he gets a sense, not a large one, but a sense of what the Commander is experiencing. With his eyes closed, he can feel every moment, every shift on the Wraith's attention.

“S-So you just think-“

“Quiet,” he scolds softly, “there will be a time for questions,”

“O-Okay…”

They say like that for an immeasurable amount of time, enough for Jay to relax completely and to grow accustomed to strong arms and even stronger hands. When the Commander pulls away, the lonely absence of his frame is somewhat jarring, as is opening his eyes.

The Commander simply smiles, holding his hand out, “I believe that is enough for today, shall we return to your room?”

Another blush sails up Jay’s face. He just manages to nod without making a noise that would have the whole room staring at him again.

~

Jay sends the next few days almost exclusively following Todd around on his rounds and checkups. He strides next to, or trails behind him like a little lost puppy, eyes perpetually wide at all the new and interesting things he sees. The hyperdrive, the various gardens, the common areas, and science wing, the repair rooms and engine room are all fascinating. But nothing is as fascinating as watching the Commander work. He carries with him that same level of Command wherever the pair go, perpetually turning heads and establishing rules without even having to speak. When he looks, points or gestures, Wraith do. Jay even finds himself itching to go forward before reminding himself he's not a part of this crew.

The crew themselves are also surprisingly…normal. They don’t ogle or make comments on Jay’s human status. He almost feels comfortable around them…almost. A little voice in the back of his head constantly reminds him that these creatures are still Wraith, still capable of killing him in one move.

Between stations, Jay pelts Todd with questions that the Commander answers simply throwing in the odd joke or two.

Throughout the week, Jay learns about how to fix a hyperdrive part, how to work a tablet, and how to listen for damaged parts in a section of the hull.

“So, you were a scientist?” He asks one day as their walking from the science wing to the engines.

“Indeed. I spent much of my early years working down below learning the ins and outs of my tech.  Most Commanders have a similar story.”

“If they’re good?” Jay smiles

“If they are good,” The Wraith returns the look.

The best part of it all of course is seeing the Commander move. By now Jay’s stopped denying that he finds his companion attractive. There's no point to it, who’s going to find out anyway? It’s not like Jay has a bunch of friends on this space plant. He tries not, and fails, of course, to stare at the male, but it’s becoming difficult. The warmer temperatures of the engine room called for discarding coats and jackets, so it becomes Jay’s favorite room.

He knows of course that he should probably feel some sort of shame. Firstly because of T. But Jay can’t remember T…and if his planet truly was massacred and had been now for several months then there was very little chance the person that Sheppard had loved was even alive. And if he was, Jay was on a Hive ship barely towards a planet far, far away from his home one. And besides, Todd doesn’t seem like he’s looking for a relationship anyways. He’s a widower after all, and he’s clearly still in mourning. But no one ever claimed that attraction followed social conventions. Look, don’t touch is Jay’s mantra.

Today they’re down there, Todd doing a few routine checks and Jay trying to get over how strange the engine looks. His foggy, half-baked memory can’t remember much, but he knows he’s never seen a system that looks so… plant-like despite not being a plant, not really anyways. Like the heart, the engine is mostly moving veins of fluid and bundles of slightly pulsing chords. It covers a whole, exceptionally large room floor ceiling and all. What bundles are what and which places perform which tasks are anyone’s guess.  It also gives off a lot of heat, like a…real engine? He was loathed to call it that, but it seemed appropriate.

“Come here,” Todd beckons from across the room. He’s kneeling at a bundle which he’s moved open with his hands to reveal a gently glowing inside. Jay complies, coming over to crouch next to him, so close that they’re almost touching.

“See that?” Todd points with a clawed finger at a twisted vine. It looked like it had been squashed, “most of the maintenance is making sure the Hive does not cave in on itself,”

“More of that symbiotic relationship?”

He hums a deeply vibrational sound, nodding and reaching hands in to maneuver them. The vine relaxes against his touch, allow itself to be moved around. Jay can almost hear the soothing conversation between the two.

He becomes entranced with Todd’s hands, their flex, and bend, how gently those sharp nails avoid injuring the other party. The amount of control he has over his body sends chills down Jay’s spine.

He doesn’t notice he’s leaning forward until his bare shoulder catches the side of the vine clump and he hisses, drawing back in pain. His eyes are instantly full of tears as searing pain races up his arm.

Todd instantly pulls him away from the area, careful not to agitate the nearly third-degree burn on his arm.

“Fuck man!” John glares at the Hive through a blur of tears, “why can you touch it and I can’t?!”

“Thick skin,” Todd turns Jay’s injury toward him, securitizing it all the while the human rambles through the pain.

“Shush,” Todd chides, “screaming your throat raw will not make it better,”

“Go to hell,”

He just shrugs, “be still…” He moves a finger over it and Jay hisses, trying to pull away.

Todd just clicks his tongue “I have something that will help with the pain,”

“Just get on with it…” Jay groans, he doesn’t mean to sound so sharp, but the throbbing of his arm is a bit muddling.

Todd pulls back, splaying his right hand out. He presses two fingers to his feeding slit and instant alarm causes Jay to jerk back.

A flash of hurt crosses Todd's vision, shaken away instantly to be replaced with confidence, “be calm, it is not what you think,”

Jay only eyes it warily, watching as Todd massages the area to life.

“What are you doing?”

“Producing enzyme, it is often used by Wraith to heal their worshipers’ wounds,”

“Is it…” Jay gulps, “Going to turn me into a worshiper?”

“Of course not,’ Todd chuckles, raising his now enzyme-coated fingers up for Jay to see.

The stuff is clear and thick like jelly. It shimmers in the light of the engine room. You could almost call it beautiful…if it wasn’t going on your body that is.

“I have no desire for you to worship me, Jay,” he assures when Jay recoils on instinct. “If I did, you would already be. Now arm please.”

At that moment, pain takes Jay over and, despite the voice in his head warning him of danger, he holds out his arm.

He doesn’t know what expects the enzyme to feel like, but he knows he didn’t expect it to hurt that much. “Ow! Fuck that stings-“

“Quiet.” Todd holds him still with one strong hand, the other works gently at the mangled flesh, careful not to nick it. Jay can only whimper in pain and wait for it to be over, helpless to do much else besides watch. The way he’s touching…it almost feels reverent, like touching Jay is special…Jay realizes with a blush that it’s with the same care that Todd touches the Hive with, and he doesn’t know how that makes him feel.

A little something in the back of his mind tells him that’s okay.

By the time the Wraith is done, the human wants to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment. He’s red as beat, and pain is the only thing keeping…other parts of his body from responding similarly. Except for they kind of are anyways…

No doubt the Commander notices. Thankfully he only sits back on his heels and remarks, “We should wrap it,”

“D-Do you have bandages?” his good arm falls across his lap to hide his shame.

“In my quarters yes,” Oh god that’s so much worse, but Todd says it so casually, rising to his feet and holding out his left hand for Jay.

“Y-Your quarters?” he might just have to fling himself back into the clump and hope to be incinerated.

“Wraith have little need for dressings, but I always keep some nearby in case-“ he stops himself but Jay can guess where it was going, John.

His heart sinks with pitty. The Wraith probably kept a lot of little human things around his room for John. The human briefly wonders if those things are still there, before Todd’s crushed expression drags him back to the present moment, to his companion’s pain. He’s overcome then with the instinct to hug the Wraith. It’s an instinct he acts upon, wrapping his arms around the bulky male and squeezing.

Todd goes ridged for a moment; his whole body stops breathing. For a second, Jay is filled with dread, then arms pull around him and press him close in this exceptionally human gesture.

Still, Jay needs to say, “I-I’m sorry I-“

“No,” Todd insists, squeezing once again, “You only remind me, but it is not an unpleasant reminder…it has simply been a long time since I…” He trails off, pulling Jay even closer, and buries his nose in the human’s neck.

It should feel strange…but it feels right somehow. His body fits perfectly in Todd’s arms, they mold together like…like…another strange feeling runs up Jay’s spine. A memory dances just out of sight, rippling like a mirage. If he could only reach out and grab it…

Sensing frustration, the Commander pulls back a little, only to be yanked back into place by a buried, out of reach part of Jay that’s practically screaming not to let the Wraith leave.

Like after his nightmare, an overwhelming sense of need, the need for safety, love, and comfort race through him nearly leaving him breathless. Again, he tries to grab it, and again he fails, growling in frustration and shoving Todd back at the loss, “God fucking damnit!” He stamps the ground, then kicks the wall, “I can’t- fuck It’s right there!”

“What is right-“

“I don’t know!” He wails, eyes snapping to his companion, “just- fuck just…I can’t” tears well up in his eyes, a shutter wracks through him. from the edges of his mind, screams echo and terror builds. Suddenly, the Wraith standing in front of him isn’t Todd, its… it's someone else. Someone with a blank face but with sharp teeth made for tearing, claws made for scratching, and a feeding hand that-

A choked sob escapes Jay’s throat, pain clouds his vision. Remembered pain, a memory…a memory! He reaches for it, frightening as it is, and seizes it with a death grip.

The result is the gut-wrenching sensation of being fed on, then forcibly getting it back. And when he looks up at his tormentor, the face isn’t blank, it’s crystal clear. A wraith with a series of thick black cracks taking up over half of his face. A wraith with a buzz cut and a cruel smirk, a Wraith…

He forces his eyes back open, blinking in the light. Somehow, he’s halfway across the room with Todd looking totally freaked out, worried for him. a sick feeling settles over Jay at the sight. He wipes his eyes with shaking, only for more tears to spill, and mutters softly, “I…I think I…I-I don’t know…” with that he crumples to the floor in a sobbing pile of human. His memory, his single little memory of a nameless torturer plays on repeat in his mind. Try as he might, he can’t conjure anything more. A location, a reason…there’s only this ugly, ugly thing he can scarcely confront.

“Todd,” he weeps, failing his hands out in desperation.

Todd is over before his name is fully out of Jay's mouth. He flings his arms around the human yet again and pulls him close in a strong embrace that’s absolutely nothing like Jay’s vision. The two Wraith might as well be different species for how they make Jay feel.

“Todd,” he says again, pulling him closer.

“A memory, I presume?”

“Y-Yeah…”

“That is a good sign…”

“S-Sure…” he tightens his grip, not interested in letting the Wraith go again.

“Come on,” Todd says tenderly. He pulls the human to his feet still locked in his embrace, “you should be among things that are familiar, comfortable,”

“You are comfortable,” the words fly out of Jay’s mouth before he can stop them, not that he wants to. It’s the truth, after all.

~

Somehow, they make it back to Jay’s quarters without really letting each other go. Todd opens the door and leads the human inside, situating him on the bed. Jay allows himself to be tucked in, but when Todd tries to move even a foot away his hand goes out to stop him. “Don’t go…”

“No?” Todd's surprise is unhidden.

“No…” Jay gulps, he slides his vision over to the empty spot on his bed and prays he won’t have to say it.

With an entirely too self-indulgent smile, the Wraith slides in next to him, on top of the covers, but still pressed up against Jay in a way that helps to calm his racing heart.

For a moment, Jay's thoughts go back to T, but the human person is nothing more than a letter still, even less real than that…Wraith…He snuggles in closer to Todd.

They lay there for a while before the Commander asks, “Would…discussing it be beneficial to you?” Jay can tell he’s nervous, anxious about something.

“Not…really,” Jay sighs, looking up to meet Todd’s half-lidded gaze, “It wasn’t much…not anything to build a life off of anyways…but I think I could recognize the Wraith who gave me my scars.”

Todd’s face goes sour, “Could you?” his voice is entirely too tight, too enraged for someone who just met Jay, but the human can’t bring himself to care why.

“Yeah, I could…”

“Then we must find h-“

“Slow down…” Jay grits his teeth, “just…don’t, not right now…”

“I am afraid that I do not understand,”

“It’s…ugh its…” Jay searches for the right words, none come and so he simply closes his eyes, opening them slowly and letting them fall on the first thing they see; Todd’s lips.

Desire unmuted due to his earlier breakdown striping him dry of defenses, rips through Jay. He wants to kiss this male…he wants to kiss this male until his lip are numb and he’s gasping for breath. He wants comfort, closeness, for this Wraith and no one else. T fades from his memory completely now, and Wraith and human become one and the same. Any desire Jay might have had for a lover shift to Todd. Todd who’s here, alive and breathing. The Wraith who’s gone out of his way to provide Jay a comfortable home, and a friendship that he didn’t need to provide. He could have eaten him or dropped him off on some planet but, he didn’t, he kept here, where Jay could heal in peace.

Lust pollutes his soul, numbs his mind to any scrutiny, and within an instant he’s pressing his lips against the Commanders, parting them in a needy, desperate move.

The Wraith jerks back, eyes going wide as saucers at the move. Jay’s heart does a backflip, nausea rolls through him in waves. Fuck, fuck fuck he’d fucked up. Shit that was it, that’s his friendship and home gone now and-

Then Todd’s kissing him again, deep and unrestrained. He rolls on top of Jay, lifting the human's head with one hand to meet him.

Jay reciprocates, parting his lips yet again so Todd can taste. His arms go around the Wraith’s back, pulling closer with a breathy whine.

Teeth graze but don’t puncture, soft skin. Their tongues slide over each other in a pattern that’s knee-jerk, like they’ve been doing this their whole lives. Todd’s other hand strokes Jay’s abdomen, then another winds through his hair.

They kiss, soft and doting, like that for lovely ages, until Jay is indeed breathless, and rock hard in his pants.

The Commander’s leg brushes that area and Jay jerks, accidentally rutting his erection against the purring Wraith. Said Wraith stills, but only for a moment, long enough to ask in a low sultry tone, “would you like me to stop?”

“Fuck no,” Jay breaths out, eyes swimming with lust.

His companion grins then slides his body down to gently kiss Jay’s neck, but not after muttering, “tell me if you need me to stop,”

“Y-yeah,” he squeaks through a moan. Todd sucks at a spot near the back of John’s throat, teasing it with his teeth, all the while one hand rhythmically strokes through his hair and the other begins to slide up his shirt. Jay shutters under rough skin, arching into the touch when Todd’s hails graze around his belly button, then trail further up to stroke his chest.

He should be doing something with his hands but Todd’s touching is so nice…it fills Jay with warm pleasure from the tips of his toes to the crown of his head. He can’t possibly think of where to touch in return.

In time, Todd raises Jay’s hand to his own scalp and murmurs against a different, now bruised dark spot, “do as I do with you,”

Getting the idea, Jay runs his nails over Todd’s scalp, surprised at the low groan he drags out of the male. With a lazy chuckle, he runs circles, closing his eyes and sinking further back into the bed in a purely relaxed state.

Todd makes his way to the human’s chest; they pair pause for a moment then, locking eyes, both unsure how to move forward.

“Don’t stop,” Jay insists, leaning up to kiss the Wraith again.

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything before…” the confession earns him another, deeper kiss and a purr that vibrates Jay’s very bones.

Todd's hands massage his upper torso, running up and down every bit of skin with gentle, almost reverent strokes. He takes his time mapping out the cervices of Jay’s skin, leaving little kisses all the while. It’s a strange kind of foreplay, but Jay can’t remember having sex before so he’s got no expectations. It’s not until the Wraith makes his way down to Jay’s cock that he stops again. He looks up, locking eyes with Jay. His orbs shine with an intensity that suggests something deeper. “You have no idea…” he mutters, trailing off to look straight ahead with a glassy stare.

“Are you…” Jay gulps, shifting, “Okay?”

Todd blinks, coming back to the moment with a reluctant flash in his eyes, “Pardon?”

“Are you…alright, Todd?” Jay says again, letting his concern for the male show, hoping it communicates that he cares.

“I…” Todd trails off again. He cocks his head, pressing swollen lips together to contemplate. Decision made; he leans up to bury his face in Jay’s shoulder. “I…” he tries again to no avail.

Jay isn’t quite sure what’s got the Wraith so emotional, but he wraps his arms around him because that seems like the right move, “Do you…want to stop?”

Silence, then a little nod. For a second, Jay thinks it’s him but Todd follows up with “It is not you, I am simply…”

“Not ready?”

Another little nod.

Jay just pulls him closer, sinking a hand back into the Wraith’s hair and stroking softly. Todd’s purring starts up again, within time his mouth is back to sucking on Jay’s neck, but in a way that the human believes is supposed to be more…romantic?

Whatever it is, it feels nice. Within minutes Jay’s eyes are fluttering with the effort to keep them open. A few minutes later, he’s succumbed to the gentle lull of sleep, falling into the abyss with a Wraith in his arms.  

Chapter Text

Jay doesn’t dream that night, and for the first time since he came out of the cocoon, he sleeps the whole night through, undisturbed.

When he wakes, it’s to warmth under the blankets. His limbs are tangled up with strong arms and legs, a large body holds him close. For a moment, his mind is blank, thoughtless, and oblivious to anything but the sensation of being held. An overwhelming feeling of peace, safety and love washes over him, setting his whole body alight with happiness. When he finally opens his eyes, it’s to a dimly lit room and a purring Wraith whose chest rises and falls with the evenness of sleep.

It isn’t even in Jay’s mind to be frightened or disgusted at what their position implies. And when memories of the night come flooding in, he only feels better about pressing close to the sleeping mass, squeezing his eyes shut once again.

Todd is solid, his smooth, cool skin contrasting nicely with Jay’s flush, and he wishes the alien would wake if only for a moment so that they could embrace each other.

He gets his wish when Todd shifts. Jay looks up to meet those yellow eyes and a mouthful of sharp teeth curved upward. Jay grins back at his dozing companion, leaning up to kiss his jaw instinctively.

“Sheppard…” Todd breaths out, eyes fluttering closed once more. He brings his arms more securely around Jay’s body and runs a large hand through the human’s hair to cradle his head close.

Sheppard . Jay blushes. He likes that name on Todd’s tongue, it somehow seems more intimate despite being his last name. Overwhelmed with affection, he chances a gentle kiss, surprised when Todd’s mouth parts easily, almost on automatic.

One thing is for sure, the Wraith is an excellent cuddle buddy.

They stay like that for a little while, gently kissing themselves out of sleep, until Todd finally rolls to move on top of the human, lacing fingers together in a smooth attempt at escalating things.

Jay reciprocates, groaning in pleasure, arching to meet the growing demand on his mouth.

Morning sex sounds amazing right now, and from Todd’s labored breathing and vibrating body, he can tell the Wraith is thinking the same thing.

Jay moans when his neck is nipped once again, and gasps when Todd’s rough tongue grazes one of the bruises he left there. The Wraiths hearty chuckle only serves to turn him redder.

In an effort to get back at him, Jay lifts his knee up to grind the place where Todds cock might be. At least, he thinks there’s supposed to be a cock there, but his knee finds nothing.

“Uh…” He looks up to meets Todd's heavy-lidded eyes. The Wraith is staring back at him with his head cocked like he doesn’t get what Jay finds strange.

Once again, Jay tries to find something. The second failed attempt clues Todd in. The Wraith only smiles, shaking his head and bending down to kiss the pinned human deep and passionate. There's a want in the kiss, an intensity that takes Jay’s breath away. Within seconds he’s forgotten about the dick issue, caught in the throws of being kissed raw once again.

Breathless, rock hard, and aching, he grinds his hips against Todd in desperation, moaning at the sensation of rubbing himself against hard muscle.

Todd nips his bottom lip, immediately sweeping his tongue over the resulting wound. It only eggs Jay on. He strains against the hands the hold him down, jerking his hips up again. This time, Todds meet his, pressing back in a deliberate move to bring Jay to orgasm.

With all the kissing and his inability to move from the waist up, It’s not long before Jay cries out. A deep shudder courses through him, lighting his whole body on fire as he spills over the edge.

Todd takes him through it, kissing every inch of his neck until Jay has finally calmed down enough to speak.

The plan is to say something suave, something flirtatious that’ll get the Wraith to experience even a sliver of the intense embarrassment Jay is suffering through right now.

Instead, what comes out is a breathless, “U-Ugh..T-That was…”

Todd cuts him off with a kiss, then releases his hands so the two can snuggle back under the covers, Jay wrapped in the Wraith’s arms once more. Not that Jay is complaining, he wants nothing more right now than to stay like this forever.

Unfortunately, his brain has other ideas. Now relatively free of immediate lust, it kicks in and about a million questions spring up from the great depths of his consciousness. What does this make us? What about John? Did he see my scars? What does this make me? Did I make a mistake? How am I supposed to date a Wraith? Are just a few.

He’s searching for the right thing to say when Todd shifts. The Commander rolls back on top of the human and gently captures his jaw with one large, clawed hand, “You think too much,” He rumbles.

“You heard me?” Jay wants to crawl out of his own skin.

Once again, Todd taps his head, “I always hear you,”

“But you said-“

“I lied,” he admits freely, letting go of Jay’s jaw to lay back down beside him, “it is true that I could not read your innermost thoughts without some effort but, one must only be near you to experience the full force of your inner monologue,” It’s said with a teasing smile but Jay just wants to die.

Instead, he hits Todd square in the face with a pillow with an exaggerated huff.

The result is Todd’s laugh and a retaliating pillow.

That sends Jay into laughter as well, though it's more from nerves. His thoughts have been so…violating lately, all that free staring, the fantasies, and desires…oh god had he heard it? God that was bad, that was-“

“Jay,” Todd's voice cuts through his silent ramblings like butter, snapping his attention to a grinning Wraith, “I do not mind,”

“How-“

“Sheppard,” he cups Jay’s face with those hands, pulling his face close to whisper against his swollen lips, “I do not mind if the male I am attracted to is also attracted to me. You forget I live a life inside my head,”

With that, Jay goes silent both physically and mentally, all arguments swept away by the sultry, deep vibration of Todd’s voice. Satisfied, the Commander kisses him once again before sitting up, taking Jay with him, “I believe you like to bathe?”

It takes Jay a moment for his brain to catch up, and even then he can’t do much but stutter out a “yes,”

“Excellent,” he reaches out to tuck a strand of Jay’s hair behind his ear. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, he asks, “would you…” a pause, “like me to cut your hair?”

Somehow, Jay understands that this ask is not as casual as it may seem. Behind Todds’s eyes he can see the importance of the question, the step it cements. Honored, he’s about to say yes when the glint of the Wraith’s necklace catches his eye, and all of a sudden, he’s filled with a flooring amount of guilt.

“I uh…” He bites his lip, “ I think it would be better if I took care of my own hygiene…”

He tries to hide the reason, but Todd’s sharp mental ears catch own alarming quickly

“You do not need to feel guilty,”

“Not guilty…” he lies, “Just…uh….” He bites his lip again.

“It is guilt, and it is not necessary…My husband has been dead for a long time. Admittedly, I have not taken another lover yet…” he reaches up to clutch the ring in hand as if shielding it, “But I am not averse to it…he would…” his fist closes tighter around the gem ad his eyes slide downward.

Jay shakes his head because clearly, the Commander isn’t ready. Even Jay who’s only been sentient for two weeks can see that. Tentatively, he reaches out to take the Wraith’s other hand.

Todd looks up in surprise. He’s about to speak but Jay starts talking first,

“Look…I like you…obviously…and I think you like me too. But I can tell you’re pushing yourself.”

Todd cocks his head, turning his hand over to squeeze Jay’s back.

Good, so he was on the right path with this…speech? Yeah, speech.

“It's okay that you’re not ready, in fact, it’s understandable. You lost a spouse, no matter how long ago it was, that’s gotta be hard…so let’s just…slow down a little, okay?” he smiles at Todd encouragingly.

After a moment of silence, Todd nods, leaning over to kiss Jay on the forehead, “Okay,”

“Okay.”

~

Jay bathes while the Commander does a few things on his tablet. By the time the human is done and dressed, Todd is waiting patiently for him, dressed in a coat that looks a couple of shades darker than the one he wore yesterday.

Jay is about to ask where the male got it but Todd is already one step ahead, “I had one of my officers bring us both some new clothes,”

“Both…?”

Todd points to a neatly folded pile of clothes that look…different from what Jay wears now. he goes over to them, picking up the shirt which is slightly smaller than the one he wears now, and long-sleeved. It’s also thicker and is a light grey color instead of black. Along with it are matching pants, and some undergarments.

“Warmer,” he observes.

“Indeed, if you are to continue to spend time with me around the Hive, I guessed you might wish to wear something better suited to the climate.

He just nods, returning to the bathroom to redress. His dark boots look a bit funny with the flowy, but somehow thermal set he now has on, but his jacket fixes the contrast somewhat stylishly.

Though nothings going to compare to that black coat…

When he comes out again, Todd is holding a bowl in one of his hands. He hands it to Jay who discovers that it contains bread, and some more of the flavorful meat from yesterday His stomach growls in response.

“Is this an eat on the go thing?” he asks after swallowing a mouthful.

Todd nods, “I have much to do today, we are approaching the planet and preparations must be made,”

“Already…?” Jay's stomach sinks, again he’s about to ask something but Todd beats him to it.

“That is not an invitation for you to leave, it is simply a fact,”

He smiles, looking at the Commander fondly, “Good…because I’m not ready to leave.”

~

By the time they walk into the Helm, Jay and Todd are holding hands, the bowl discarded somewhere along the way.

John had asked for baby steps, and this was a pretty good start. The gentle feel of Todd’s left hand in his right is the perfect amount of intimacy for a budding romance. Jay would be lying if he said he doesn’t also feel secure attached to Todd like this

He half expects a Wraith officer to say something, or at least look at them weird, but none do. Save, of course, for Bonewhite who gives them both a long, pointed look before returning to work. Although Jay doesn’t feel like the look was intended to be bad…it’s just…a look.

He’s an enigma, that one.

Todd doesn’t leave him against the wall this time. Instead, he walks into the thick of the helm by the Wraith’s side, though their hands are broken now so Todd can hold a tablet.

Jay watches him type with more than obvious curiosity. The Wraith written language looks so…strange? No, everything in Jay’s life is strange. This is just different. He can’t read this lettering the same way he can read his own peoples.

“What does it say?”

“Huh?” Todd glances down at him, clearly distracted, “Oh, it is simply figures,”

“He is going over supply counts,” Bonewhite whispers from behind, causing Jay to jump, much to the Wraith’s delight.

“Calm yourself, human, I have eaten recently,”

Something between a look of horror and relief washes over Jay’s face and Bondewhite laughs at him again.

Todd growls in his Second’s direction, waving a hand in the general direction of both human and Wraith.

After an annoyed huff, Bonewhite looks to Jay, regarding him officially this time, “I am to answer any questions you may have,”

‘Oof, reduced to a guide,’

Todd chuckles lowly, reminding Jay yet again that his thoughts aren’t private.

Wait.

A horrifying thought flies through his mind, can they all hear him?

“Yes.” Bonewhite answers flatly, adding when Jay nearly withers, ‘but there are many minds here, and we are too busy to pay attention to a single human,”

“Ah…o-okay…” He glances back at Todd who’s now bent over a counsel, conversing silently with an officer. A spike of arousal floods him involuntarily at the sight.

He hopes kissing isn’t out of the realm of possibility, he’d like to be kissed against a wall right now. Something less than appropriate pops into his head and he shoves it down, hopefully before Todd notices.

Too late, yellow eyes snap to him, a slow grin spreading across his face.

Jay blushes, ‘great’

“Your arm looks better,” Bonewhite says, ending the moment.

“My…?” he looks down, shocked to find that the burn has almost disappeared. In all of the…everything…he’d forgotten it was even there. “Oh…uh, yeah…wait,” he scowls, “How did you know about my arm?”

Bonewhite only gives him a small smirk.

‘Asshole.’ Still, Jay can see himself growing to like this character. Something about his blasé attitude is funny, intriguing. He can see why Todd chose him as his second. The Wraith is just as mysterious as his superior.

“How long until we reach the planet?” he finds himself asking, though his eyes don’t leave Todd.

“About two of your sleep cycles,” he taps something on his screen.

“I am a little nervous,” he admits for God knows what reason. It’s not like Bonewhite is itching for a conversation with him.

Still, he entertains him, “Why?”

“I don’t remember what it's like to be around other humans…only that they exist,”

“I am sure it will not be more difficult than conversing with Wraith,”

“Right…pretty sure humans have never dragged me from a cocoon and looked at me like they were going to eat me for dinner,"

Bonewhite pauses, but only for a moment. His response is simple, “It was fun,”

Jay barks out a laugh. Yeah, he could like this guy.

~

Jay and Todd leave the Helm with fingers laced together. Once they’re out of view of the other Wraith, Todd spins Jay to pin him against the wall for a deep, wanting kiss.

“I heard you,” He purrs, nipping Jay’s bottom lip.

Jay flushes. He wraps his arms around Todd's neck to bring him closer. Hands encircle his waist, dragging down to his hips. Kissing seems to be something almost innate in Wraith culture because how else could Todd be so fucking good at it?

“Ten thousand years of practice,” he answers casually, going in for another stint.

Jay moves his head to the side in shock, “T-Ten Thousand what? How old are you?”

“Ten thousand,”

“Years?”

“Yes, years,”

“Oh my…” has to nudge him away so he can breathe. “S-Sorry- it's just…” It’s not a bad thing per se…but Jay's own body is what? Forty? And Todd looks, maybe forty-five, fifty max. He can hardly comprehend it. How could someone have lived for so long?

Todd chuckles, taking his right hand to kiss it gently, “Wraith do not age and die like humans, so long as we are fed, we can live forever…unless someone kills us, of course,”

“I…” He’s at a total loss for words. So he just kisses Todd once more, choosing to file that information away for when he’s alone in the bath again. Or alone in general with some time to think things through without someone answering all his questions without a break in between.

That seems good enough for Todd and they continue on their way.

~

“So why are we going to a settlement?” Jay asks as they make their way to the science wing.

Todd stops walking for a moment, surprised by the question. Jay can tell he’s thinking of a way to avoid the real answer, so he adds, “Ya know, so I know what our goal is, how to act and stuff.”

‘Come on man, you can’t kiss me then lie to me about your space trips, that’s just rude,'

Todd’s eyes narrow, he stares at Jay like he can see directly into his soul.

“Well, it is,”

He huffs, crossing his arms in defense, “…Refugee camp,”

Of all the things he could have said, Jay was least expecting “Refugee camp?”

“Yes…” Todd's gaze slides away from him, “We are bringing supplies to a refugee camp,”

“What are…where are they…”

‘Refugee camp? A Wraith? is he serious?’

‘He’s serious’ the voice affirms.

“I am,” Todd adds solemnly, “Recently a planet with a substantial amount of humans was attacked. The Wraith managed to take over, but the population was so large that not all humans were accounted for. I and a few other Hive ships took it upon ourselves to bring escapees to a planet far away from the site. Now we take turns making supply runs, as to not attract attention,”

Jay is floored. Never in a million years had he imagined that this Wraith, the same one who had told him “not all humans were worthy of saving” could be part of a…he wanted to call it resistance. He was still a Wraith after all, dependent on humans for survival.

“Isn’t that…kinda…antithetical to your survival?”

With a chuckle, he shakes his head, “The day I married a human was the day I became, willing or not, a part of the struggle against my own kind.”

“Even if it means less available food supply?”

He makes a “tech” sound, pulling the ring out, “I am too old to believe the myth that humans are an unintelligent species. And I have loved too thoroughly to turn my back on my husband’s kind simply because it is convenient,”

“I don’t…” He wants to say he doesn’t understand, but he does. Or, at least, he believes Todd. Instead, he says, “Wraith believes humans are unintelligent?”

“mmm,” he takes Jay’s hand to walk on with him, “just as you see your farm animals, we see you…or, at least, that is how it appears when you are looking down from spaceship on a society that has not mastered much beyond the wheel. Admittedly, when I was young, I believe you all to be no more than ants.”

“What…” he gulped, “Changed?”

“It was not John if that is what you are thinking,”

Relief floods him, good to know Todd hadn’t just come to the realization.

“It was during the Wraith-Lantean war, do you know what that is?”

He shakes his head.

Todd gives him a quick rundown, throwing out several names and several places that Jay barely absorbs before he’s moved onto the next one. Still, he gets the general idea.

“In fighting your ancestors, I saw the potential in your species. Watching them…and their technology forced me to realize that the reason humans are so unadvanced is because Wraith do not let them become advanced. It is a tactic used not only to excuse rampant cullings, but to keep our kind from facing another threat like the Lanteans,”

Jay's head is spinning, but one thing is clear; Todd is a full-blown revolutionary masquerading as an indifferent Commander. That makes him about ten times hotter by Jay's standards. It means he truly sees Jay as an equal, or at least a species worth as much as his own.

Suddenly, John falling in love with this particular Wraith makes a shit tone of sense, and he has to applaud the human’s taste.

Is that considered conceited if it's also his taste? Who cares.

He can’t help then to drag the Wraith into another, hungry kiss. Feeling the moment, Jay takes his shot at pushing the larger man against the wall. Todd allows it, even letting Jay drag him down by the hair. Arms drape around his neck, a deep purr reverberates from mouth to mouth.

They kiss themselves dizzy, somewhere along the line Jay ends up pinned with a hand up his shirt rubbing rough circles against his skin. His own hands work the Commander’s scalp, running down to the base where a series of ridges flare out from his spine. Todd mewls at the touch, so Jay occupies himself with playing with nerve endings.

They could have stayed like that forever if it weren’t for someone from Todd’s Hive asking where the hell he was.

“Coming,” he mumbles, no doubt only verbalizing for Jay’s benefit. With a deep sigh, Todd sweeps those piercing eyes over Jay’s flushed body one more time before they reluctantly head off, Jay praying his boner rescinds before they reach their destination.

~

After a long, but wonderful day of checks and being kissed against every wall there is in this Hive, the two return to Jay's quarters.

A nervous question lingers at the edges of Jay's mind. Should he invite the Commander to stay the night again? Would that be too far? Something tells Jay that kissing is an easy step, something much less intimate to a Wraith than cuddling or touching in other ways…

“Your answer is yes,” Todd purrs, “I would like to stay the night again,”

“Stop reading my mind!”

“Would you rather I make you ask each and every query out loud?”

Silence is the answer.

They undress down to light clothing. Jay in a pair of silky smooth pants and a tank top and Todd in the clothing he wears underneath that heavy coat. Somehow Jay feels more exposed like this than he had grinding against Todd this morning. The memory of…that doesn’t calm him much. He climbs into the bed awkwardly, waiting for Todd to follow suit.

Once the Wraith is in, he pulls the blankets over both of them and draws Jay close, nestling him under his chin with a heavy sigh.

“You’re really okay with this?” Jay asks nervously.

It takes a minute, but the Commander answers, “I have been lonely for a long time, Jay…I do not wish to be lonely anymore,”

Suddenly reminded of something from earlier, Jay says, “Sheppard,”

“What?”

“You called me Sheppard this morning…I…I liked it…”

Another pause, then the Commander's voice, meek and reverent, almost grief-stricken, mutters, “Sheppard it is,”

Chalking up the strange reaction up to memories of John, Jay kisses Todd’s cheek before snuggling closer and closing his eyes.

He stays awake though, listening to Todd’s breathing even out. Then, once he’s sure Todd is asleep he works his left hand up and pulls it from the covers, stopping to stroke a stand of Todd’s hair back in place before reach down to his neck.

He doesn’t know why he feels he needs to do this but, it feels right. Carefully, as not to wake the Wraith, he slides the necklace out, clasping the ring in his left hand. Taking a deep breath and ignoring how silly what he’s about to do next is, he brings the ring close to his mouth and says in barely a whisper, “I hope you don’t mind…”

He pauses, allowing for the nonexistent man to answer before he continues, “He’s vulnerable right now, I can tell. I promise I’ll be good to him…”

Again he pauses, then to close out he adds, “Thank you for…for whatever came before,” with that, he slides the thing back in place and snuggles out once again, hiding his red face under the blankets.

If he had stayed out for a moment longer he would have seen Todd’s mouth twitch up into a smile, having heard the whole thing.

Chapter Text

Jay stares out of the Command centers wide window. What had been hyperspace just days ago was now a view dominated by a green planet littered with blue patches and covered in swirling, pure white clouds. The perfect habitat for humans.

With each passing minute, they draw closer, and Jay’s anxiety grows tenfold each time Bonewhite updates their arrival time.

He doesn’t remember ever talking to any humans…what if he doesn’t know what to say? Will his relationship with Tod make them hate him? It’s unorthodox at best…

Todd stands at his side, a comforting arm around his waist, “They will not hate you,” he assures quietly.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Trust me,” he cups Jay’s cheek with his left hand and bends down to kiss him.

“Okay,” he says against his lips.

The preparations for landing include a lot of bringing carts of boxes to the unloading docs so they can be transferred onto smaller ships. Todd has some work to do that requires his full attention so, Jay volunteers to go with Bonewhite to help out. Well, Jay’s going to help out and Bonewhite is going to supervise. Still, it’s a bit of a walk to the storage hall, and the two get a little time to talk.

“So how did you get roped into this whole thing?” he asks, hoping the question isn’t offensive.

“This “whole thing?” Bonewhite echoes with a hit of displeasure.

“Doing supply runs to refugee camps?”

“Ah,” the Wraith snickers, “He is my Commander. If this is important to him then it is important to me,”

“Is it important to you?”

He shrugs.

Jay takes that as a ‘no’ which isn’t surprising. Bonewhite doesn’t seem like the kind of particularly care about human lives.

A little unsettling, but if he hasn’t killed Jay yet then there’s hope yet for their friendship, “Did you know John well?”

That question catches the Wraith off guard, Jay can tell by his deep frown, “Why do you want to know?”

Jay shrugs in return.

After a moment’s consideration, Bonewhite nods, “I suppose I did. He would often pester me with strange questions too,” when he says it, it’s with a characteristically reserved smile.

The human smiles back, “sounds like a fun guy?”

“Sure, if you like humans,”

“I’m guessing you don’t?”

He gives Jay a side-smile, “We’re here,”

They definitely are. The room is huge and filled with Wraith hustling around with organic-looking shell casings that have to be filled with supplies. There's so much to move that it’s almost overwhelming…how many people are at the camp?

The Wraith all turn to greet Bonewhite before returning to their tasks. He steers Jay to where Wraith lift and place. The human notes that the items they’re moving are in the lightest weight bracket and he can’t decide if he’s thankful or insulted. While the daily walks and…other physical actives have helped Jay in gaining some strength, he’s not nearly to the point he suspects this body once was. His baggy clothing and previously unused last belt loop are proof enough of that. He’s still painfully underweight and weak compared to just about everyone around him, so the task of lifting vined wrapped bedding is ultimately welcomed.

Will the other humans mock him for his body and scars? Will they see a person tainted by the tyranny of Wraith?

A shudder passes over him, the memory of that face making him drop his load.

Surprisingly, Bonewhite is by his side in an instant, picking up the dropped parcel then leading Jay away from the group via a hand on his upper back.

“Should I get the Commander?”

“No,” he shakes his head, setting his quivering jaw straight, “I-I’m fine, just…nerves…”

Unsurprisingly, Bonewhite sees through the lie, “You are frightened. Both of your past and of your fellow humans. You believe your past separates you from them in some way, and you fear additional memories of your tormentor will come to light.”

Jay balks, mouth falling a gape, “H-How…’ he trails off, stunned into silence.

“I have learned much about your species from the refugees,” he says gently, hand falling from Jay’s back, “You should not fear their judgment, they are as mentally disturbed as you are.”

Again, Jay doesn’t know whether to be insulted or grateful. He decides on grateful when Bonewhite doesn’t press the issue, allowing Jay to get back to work.

In time, and thanks to the Wraith, Jay’s fears melt away into excitement at the prospect of meeting others like him. Others that talk to Wraith, ones that might truly understand Jay’s life in a way Wraith cannot. Perhaps these humans know of his own planet, maybe there are a few of his own people there. You never know, especially not with a civilization technologically advanced enough to build the tools Todd claims are from Jay’s home.

That night he can hardly sleep, Todd’s gentle petting being the thing that finally calms his beating heart down enough to close his eyes.

~

Landing day is full of excitement. Wraith complete tasks, report complete tasks, and report again. Jay stands at Todd’s side through it all, trying not to think too loudly about his own joy. He doesn’t want Todd to think he isn’t enough.

“I am not a youngling, Sheppard,” the Commander rumbles, swiping up on his tablet, “I do not turn jealous so easily.” He turns his head to meet his human’s eyes, “besides, you would be hard-pressed to find another like me.”

Jay turns red, stammers out something lame, then gets kissed against the wall for a few seconds as if to prove the point.

Point proved

“Commander, we have entered orbit, would you like the helm?” Bonewhite asks impatiently.

Jay’s heart lurches, he breaks from Todd’s hold and runs over to the window to press his face against the glass. The planet takes up the whole view. They’re close enough to clearly see cloud cover.

‘Almost there!’

He grins, imagining the stories he might hear, the friends he could make. People are down there. 

People just as fucked as him.

The ones with worse scars.

‘The fellow victims,’

Victims of what?

‘You know exactly what he did to you,’

He gasps, staggering back as another memory takes him over. The same ugly Wraith, the Same tattoo. Now Jay is thrust into a dark corridor, someone yanks him by a rope that binds his hands in front of him. He’s been in that dark room for so long that even the low light burns his retinas. Standing is a nightmare, he walks on broken legs, arms nearly just as marred. He shivers. Either from cold or infection, he can’t tell…

He’s going somewhere…somewhere important or he wouldn’t be wearing this tattered cloth around his waist.

This is not an uncommon way to treat Worshipers on this planet, he’d learned that over the years. His battle-hardened Wraith master is stubborn and cruel, he treats all his humans like this. Jay is just the only one who gets to leave the room…

Strong arms encircle him, holding his shaking, whimpering body against a wall of muscle. Fingers pressed against his skin as they rub his back, willing the human to come back to himself and the present moment.

His eyes stay shut, he can’t open them, he won’t, he doesn’t want to see what he knows is there…doesn’t want those arms to turn vile like he knows they will.

It isn’t until; Todd’s voice registers that Jay realizes he’s on a Hive ship, not the manor of an unnamed Wraith.

Despite his mind’s protests, he forces his eyes open, sobbing in relief when Todd is there. He hugs him right back, hissing out through tears, “kiss me,”

Somehow, Todd knows to do it rough. He knows that Jay needs to feel something real. And he knows not to stop until Jay pushes him away.

They break, each gasping for different reasons. Jay is still crying, still shaking, but at least he’s back in the present. At least he’s not…there. Wherever there is.

There is pain, there is a place he must have fought tooth and nail to escape. There is a place he could easily be returned to…

“D-Don’t let h-him find me…” he stammers out, embracing Todd once again, “Please…please don’t make it be real again,”

“Never,” Todd growls, squeezing him tight, “You are here forever, just as you should be…”

Jay doesn’t have it in him to ask what he means. It doesn’t even matter when it feels so good to hear.

~

They land, not in the hive but on smaller ships capable of transporting materials while still being manageable to land, on the outskirts of a forest, near a river and a town of tents. Jay tries to bring back his excitement, but the flashback has ruined the light mood of before. He sticks solemnly to Todd’s side, keeping one hand intertwined with his Wraith lover’s

He’s still looking forward to meeting others of his kind, but now all he can think of is his former home. All those people he must have known…what happened to them? Did they get the chance to flee as he did? Did he leave them behind when he escaped? He’s sick just thinking about it.

Maybe he left a family…maybe others are waiting for him to come and save them. The promises he could have made…the goals he might have forgotten. It’s all a bit too much for his battered mind to take.

As they walk to the exit ramp of their small ship, one of three, Todd squeezes his hand. He whispers, “If you would like to return to the ship at any point, we will,”

He doesn’t argue, grateful that Todd understands.

The sun is bright, but in a kind way, and the fresh air that fills his lungs is sweet if a bit dryer than his body is used to. He keeps his eyes downcast, not quite ready to look out at the camp, he knows is waiting for him. He stops Todd just short of stepping off the ramp, suddenly nervous to put his feet in the green that covers everything around them.

He remembers grass, but not its feel.

Todd waits patiently for his lover to finally take a step.

Stepping onto solid ground induces a euphoria Jay has never felt before. The gravity is a little stronger here, but Jay feels light as a feather as he breaks into a run, leaving Todd behind. He takes deep, refreshing breaths of cool air, feeling his dormant muscles lurch into action. He runs until he cannot run anymore, body falling onto the soft grass and spreading out with a joyous cheer. Real earth, real air, the heat of the sun, it’s the stuff of life.

Todd doesn’t follow, knowing Jay needs to experience this all himself, for himself. He needs to kick his shoes off and dig his toes into the ground, needs to run his hands over dew dropped grass and roll until his long hair is tangled and strewn with plant life.

He still playing when two humans approach, and even then he doesn’t notice their presence until he sees them standing there, a few feet away.

Other humans…he’s taken aback by their open smiles, their familiar bodies…their faces that follow the patterns of his own. Suddenly he’s awestruck, and then filled with joy, then grief comes pouring out and he sobs, overwhelmed by their presence.

The female one, a honey blond with brown doe eyes, kneels down beside him, a warm smile on her face. For a moment, he swears he recognizes her, but it’s gone in seconds. She doesn’t appear to recognize him either and asks his name.

Her human voice sends him into another round of sobs.

He expects the humans to leave him there, but they’re strangely understanding. They wait for him to calm down then invite him over to their tent where there’s soup.

He suspects these particular humans are part of the welcome committee for any new refugees, because why else would they be so kind?

Jay accepts, letting them lead him over to a small fire where aromatic soup is indeed bubbling in a metal pot.

His stomach growls, he doesn’t say a word.

“I’m Jennifer Keller,” the blond says with a smile, “This is Evan Lorne,”

Evan waves at him, slightly unsure, and runs a hand through his dark hair. Jay's almost certain he’s seen the man before as well, but again the feeling fades and he chalks it up to wishful thinking.

It was stupid of him to think his people would be on this refugee camp for another planet entirely.

“I’m Jay…” he rubs his hands together, “I’m uh…not from your world…”

The two share a look, then they’re back to friendly faces, “That’s alright, we welcome any new faces, no matter where they’re from,”

They engage in some light, friendly conversation which gives Jay a chance to examine them without looking rude. Jennifer’s eyes are sharp, or rather they would be. One of them is a bit cloudy, and upon closer inspection, Jay finds that a scar line crosses over that eye socket. He unconsciously fingers his own scar, feeling a sudden bout of solidarity with this strange woman.

Evan is less outwardly damaged, but Jay notices that he doesn’t speak. When he yawns, it’s clear why; Half his tongue is missing.

A chill washes over Jay and understanding that these humans weren’t lucky enough to get away with the first wave recused. Like Jay, they were probably tortured.

Bonewhite comes over then, and to Jay’s surprise, Evan and he share a kiss before touching foreheads in a simple but intimate exchange.

He doesn’t notice he’s staring until Bonewhite flashes him a smile, “He did tell you to trust him, did he not?”

“Why didn’t you…say anything?”

The Wraith only shrugs.

Evan makes a series of hand gestures at Jennfier, who responds with her own series, making her missing pinky and fingernail-less right hand known to Jay.

Evan smiles, then walks off with Bonewhite, their hands enjoined.

“Can he…?”

“Talk?” Jennifer finishes, “Yes, but he’s embarrassed by how he sounds. He only talks to me and Bonewhite, and only in private,”

“Why doesn’t he stay on the Hive?”

Jennifer shrugs, “That’s how they like it. Besides, I wouldn’t know what to do without him,”

“Good friends?”

“Best friends ever since we came here,”

Jay almost asks where they both came from but, a bowl of hot soup distracts him from the topic.

“The Commander said you have amnesia?” She asks between mouthfuls.

“Yeah…” he sets his spoon down, “I can guess a little of it…been having flashbacks…but I don’t…really know where I came from…or who I am…” He bunches the fabric of his pants on one hand “J-Jay isn’t even my real name…it’s just my first initial…m-my last name is Sheppard though…”

“Which do you prefer?” she asks calmly as if this is a normal conversation. To her, it might be.

“Jay…”

“Then Jay it is, and you can call me Jen,”

“Jen,” he repeats, cracking a small smile.

~

“Would you like to meet the others?” Jen asks after they’ve finished eating.

Jay frowns, considering it. There are so many tents here…so many people to meet. Could he even do it all? He doesn’t want to have another panic attack when Todd isn’t around to bring him out of it.

“I think I’d like to find my- the Commander…if that’s okay…? Then maybe I could meet a couple of other people…” With Todd, he could do it.

She nods knowingly, “I’ll take you to him,”

They weave through countless tents, all gently billowing in the wind. Jay wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it certainly wasn’t this…

“Refugee camp” denoted a small group of traumatized people, cowering around a small fire or piling in one protective tent. But this…Jay is nearly dizzy with what this is.

Hundreds of people go about their days; some coking, some working, most helping Wraith unload and transport supplies. Some sit silently, staring off into the distance with a familiar forlorn expression, some run around and laugh together like they’ve lived here their whole lives

They all look so different, both in demeanor and skin tone. They are people from all walks of life, and clearly from different cultures. The variety is a little foreboding. If this was one planet then it must have had thousands of people for all of these ones to be from the same place.

It makes him ill to think of that many in the hands of the Wraith. But it also makes him homesick for wherever he came from. Seeing all these people grouped up, belonging together, and happy in their belonging, makes Jay a little jealous. Would he ever have that again?

Then he thinks about Jen’s hand and Evan’s tongue and immense guilt overtakes him for being jealous of these people that have suffered just as he has.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Jen says softy, making a right turn.

“Y-You do?”

She nods, stopping for a moment to face him, “Evan and I were prisoners of the Wraith before we came here…I know how isolating that experience can be,” she glances around, “It’s okay to want…well…there’s no right way to experience the aftermath of that. Recovery and rehabilitation take time.”

“Can you…recover from it?”

She’s silent for a moment, contemplation thick in the air. When she speaks, it’s barely a whisper, “I have to believe you can…”

“Me too,” Jay assures, comforted in the knowledge that recovery isn’t as automatic as he thought it should be.

~

Todd is in one of the bigger tents. He’s surrounded by Wraith officers and humans alike. It’s a meeting, and Jay and subsequently feels embarrassed for crashing it for such childish reasons. But, Todd waves him over, showing his teeth a big smile. Relief fills the human, he breaks from Jen, scurrying over to sit beside his lover, immediately more secure in himself now that the Wraith’s arm is around him again.

“How are you doing?” the Wraith mutters.

“Better than I thought…” Jay tucks his head down to listen to Todd’s heartbeat. The steady drum provides a calming backdrop Jay he could record and listen to always.

Todd rubs his back, then feathers claws up his spine to massage his skull.

It’s like a tranquilizer, Jay finds himself on edge of sleep within minutes, only kept awake by the chatter around him.

‘How long are we going to be here?’ he asks in his head, unable to muster the energy to speak out loud.

“A week or so, I am not needed among Wraith for a while yet,”

Joy blooms in Jay's chest at a chance to meet more humans like himself, and to get to know Jen further.

Todd chuckles, kissing his head, “She is kind, yes,”

“You know her?” he says out loud, though it’s a stupid question. He probably transported her, and her best friend is his Second’s lover, of course, Todd knows Jen.

“I believe you answered your own question,” his lover rumbles, drawing Jay closer.

‘Are they from the same place as the others?’

“You should ask them that question, Sheppard,” He says as both Bonewhite and Evan come back in. Jay’s expecting Evan to go to Jen, but he follows his lover to Todd’s side.

Jay tries to make eye contact with him, but the man won’t meet his gaze. He wants to ask Todd for help but the male has turned his attention back outward to answer a question about the safety of the planet's vicinity.

It’s safe, no Hive’s spotted in the area, no evidence that they were followed.

Moving on from Evan, Jay tries to get the attention of the most enigmatic Wraith ever, who seems engrossed in combing through Evan’s short locks.

Jay wonders if Bonewhite lied due to mistrust, or due to trauma. The two have clearly been together for a while perhaps pre-planet attack. Who knows what they’d been through…how hard it must have been to be apart from each other, and how worried Bonewhite must have been.

Todd protests Jay’s mind ramblings by ceasing to stroke, and with a click of his rough tongue.

Going red, Jay shoots back, ‘Its not my fault that I have questions,’

“Then you should ask them,” he whispers.

‘Ask Bonewhite if he watched his boyfriend be enslaved by Wraith? No thank you,’

At that, Todd stiffens up, the answer he was giving to a human dying in his throat, and Jay doesn’t need to be a mind reader to get why.

John…

Nope, not touching that. Not in this public setting. They’ll talk back on the ship where Todd can drop his carefully crafted smile and intentionally relaxed posture.

Instead, Jay pulls away from the Wraith to stretch, and give him some space. It alerts Evan, finally, and Jay regards him directly, asking; “Is there any more of that soup?”

The man nods then points to Jen who’s getting some from a pot near an edge of the tent.

“Thanks,” Jay almost asks him to join, but Evan already has his full attention back on Bonewhite, a hand playing with the tips of his hair.

With a defeated sign jay joins Jen over there, matching her smile with his own.

They linger there while they eat, questions flitting around in Jay's head until even Jen can tell there’s something going on.

“It's not uncommon to have questions, that’s why I am here,” she sets her bowl down the lowers herself to the grass. Jay follows suit.

“I don’t want to intrude…”

“Not at all,” she turns her head to face him. “Most newcomers come alone nowadays, most have no idea what’s going on or how to separate the life they had before from the life they have now.”

“The life? How long has this place been here?”

“The first group arrived seven years ago,”

“Seven?” his eyes go wide, “B-But Todd said it was recent…”

“To a Wraith, seven years is the blink of an eye,”

“S-So you were…f-for…” he can hardly get the words out.

“Five years…” she bites her lip, “The Commander rescued us while on a diplomatic mission to Earth,”

“Earth?” he echoes, “Is that the name of…it?”

“Yes…” she mumbles, “that was our home…”

Jay doesn’t know why, but he feels himself start to cry. Until now these people had been nameless, faceless, their planet as unknown as Jay’s own homeland. But staring at Jen now, her grief-stricken face, her ruined eye, and hand, he gets the picture clearly.

Diplomatic mission, prisoners of the Wraith, seven yeas ago…that makes her home not a culled world but a conquered one.

There's a ball in his chest growing by the second. A poison thing that threatens to choke him with its magnitude.

“I-I need some air,” he mumbles, hurrying out of the tent into the sun.

Happy. He’d called these people happy. What the hell is wrong with him? He might as well call Sheppard happy too.

He senses someone coming after him and he breaks into a run, needing to get away. Needing to hide his shame. He ducks behind a beige tent then sets on a path weaving through the canvas masses until he’s sure he’s lost his pursuer. He hardly notices the weird looks he gets from the refugees, or the deep aches that comes from pushing his weak body so far. Just outside of the perimeter of the tent, he trips and falls flat on his face. His chin the ground, dizzying the world. With a groan he rolls over onto his back, immediately sick at how the sky turns.

Happy. He’d called them fucking happy.

Fuck. Jay grabs handfuls of grass with his hands and yanks them out of the ground, sitting up to throw them as far away as he can. It’s grass though, so it merely gets caught in the growing breeze, and dirt flies back into his face.

“Ow!” He rubs his eyes viciously, coughing, then gaging as the crushing weight of these people’s reality comes crashing down around him.

There wasn’t much in his stomach, but now there’s really nothing save for some bile that he also lets up.

It's not just them, it's him. He’d been okay before, sad, but relatively alright. Todd had made it so. Now, facing this population's loss, his own triples.

He doesn’t get a refugee camp, food, or friends. He doesn’t get a culture or memories. All he gets is those…those flashbacks and scars.

Another wave of guilt, another deep pit of suffocating loathing. It presses him to get up, to leave this space he’s tainted. He doesn’t want to go back to the camp, he can’t face Jen and Evan like this. He can’t face anyone like this…

Has he ever felt this alone? Not even when Todd told him the fate of his people did he ache so strongly.

‘Do you feel lonely, or jealous that they know where they came from?’

“Shut up,” he snaps out loud.

‘it’s there, just under the surface is the truth of your past and you know it,’

“What does it matter if I don’t have a people left to go back to?”

The voice just scoffs, falling silent.

Shaking his head, Jay picks his pace up into a run. He starts toward the ships, then realizes that that’s exactly where everyone would think he’d go. A deep desire to be alone rises in him and he instead turns towards the forest.

They’d find him eventually, but not for a least an hour

The forest is covered in thick foliage, and the deeper Jay goes the less light there is as the trees get closer and closer together. He breaths in the smell of wet leaves, bark, and dirt. Pure scents, natural scents. They invigorate him, push him to run further in. He hops over logs, doges boulders, and narrowly misses falling into a stream. By the time his body forces him to stop he’s arrived at a small pond with the clearest water he’s ever seen.

Kneeling down, he splashes his face, trying to chase his own thoughts out of his mind. Fresh, cool water is heaven on his tear-streaked face. He gulps it down to soothe his burning throat.

He collapses beside the stream, exhausted, and splays his arms out.

It’s a beautiful planet…probably every bit as great as where he came from. If he could just remember more than a cruel face…

“What did you do to me?” he mumbles, rolling over on his side, suddenly bone-weary under the shade, “why did I lose my memory…?”

Again, his voice reminds him that he’s not putting in the effort to remember. Again he pushes it away, sitting up with a groan. It’s not that he doesn’t want to remember…it’s just that… he doesn’t want to remember the bad parts…

With a sigh he draws his knees to his chest and closes his eyes. he won’t sleep in this position…but rest would be nice.

~

He’s running for his life, bare feet pounding over the scorching hot pavement. He leaps over broken glass, wincing at the way the ground tears up his already bloody feet. It doesn’t matter, he has to get away. He races past trashed shops with their windows shot out. The outside world is bright and littered with forgotten newspapers and trash from long-abandoned dumps. This isn’t the New Jersey he knows…if this is even New Jersey.

A Wraith shouts from behind him, a dart whirs above. In a moment of panic, he dives into an ally way and scrambles behind a toppled dumpster just in time for Wraith to round the corner.

Pressing a hand over his nose and mouth, he wills himself to stop breathing, stop moving, stop thinking.

He just has to make it to New York where the Wraith called Guide is Commander. The others whisper he takes humans in if they beg hard enough…

The human would do just about anything to be free. 

The noise of Wraith ceases and the stupid, stupid human pokes his head out, thinking he’s safe.

He’s about to break into a run when large hands grab him by the throat, slamming him against the wall and-

~

Jay wakes with a scream, bolting up and into a run before he’s even fully out of sleep. It’s dark, why is it dark? It was light just a minute ago. did he lose track of time? His is pursuer closer? Which way is New York?

He slams into a tree in his plight, reeling back and toppling to the ground with a cry.

The world spins for a few seconds, then goes black.

~

The second time he wakes he’s in a soft pile of…something warm. Certainly not a bed, it’s too lumpy to be one, and the padding looks like several different kinds of fabrics and pillows. It’s like nothing he’s ever been in before…yet it feels safe, like a place to be trusted. He’s no longer worried about New York, at least not right now when he feels drugged on exhaustion and warmth.

He closes his eyes again, pulling a blanket over his whole body and curling in on himself

He’s just drifting off to sleep again when the door opens and someone in heavy bots comes striding in.

Jay freezes on instinct, a terrible fear running up his spine. He bunches fabric in his fists and bites his lip to stop himself from crying out.

“It is me, Sheppard,” Todd’s buttery voice soothes. He moves into the area, resting a hand on the human’s back. The strokes are gentle, rhythmic motions that work to relax him enough to uncurl and dare to meet Todd’s eyes.

“O-Oh…”

“Are you alright?”

The human shrugs, body sagging. He’s not, and Todd knows why without Jay having to verbalize it.

The Wraith sighs, shifting closer, “I should not have let you go off like that…”

“No,” Jay groans, rubbing his aching head, “It’s not your fault…” He rolls over to snuggle closer to the male, “Apparently I’m just a mess.” He tries to laugh, but the weight of the day had made him weary. His body feels heavy, even laying down like this.

Todd stifles his own laugh, reading the room, and wraps his arms around Jay in a protective gesture, “I am simply glad that I found you before you managed to go further in,”

“How did you…find me actually?”

Todd shrugs, eyes glittering kindly.

Jay smiles, leave it to Todd to be cryptic. He relaxes further into the softness, “Where…are we?”

The Wraith chuckles, kissing Jay lightly, “In my nest, in private quarters aboard the Hive,”

The human turns red, eyes going wide, “Y-Your-“

“Relax,”

“I-I am relaxed,” he squeaks, shoving his face into the nest

‘Get it together’ he snaps at himself.

“Mm,” the Wraith runs a hand up Jay’s back to massage the base of his neck.

“I am,” Jay whines sitting up to face his partner, “Relaxed is my middle name,” it’d be much more convincing if he wasn’t bright red, or if his voice wasn’t all fucked up. Something about being invited into the Wraith’s private space felt…right in all the wrong ways and wrong in all the right ways. So intimate…were they ready for that step? What was different about his bed and Todd’s?

The male’s grin only grows wider, he pulls jay back into his arms and holds him tight, “Afraid of the implications of being invited into my lair?”

“N-Not helping!” Jay wiggles in his grip, only to be kissed again and then laid down with the weight of a Wraith to keep him there, “Do not worry, I like to savor my meals,” He nuzzles the human, gently scraping fangs along his collar bone.

“Really not helping,” he snaps, but he’s grinning all the same, anxiety washing away almost as quickly as it came.

They melt into each other, transfixed by the exercise of breathing, the rise, and fall of each other’s chests.

Despite the peace of the moment though, a sense of wrongness begins to grow in Jay’s as memories of his new memory come trickling back in from the silence. “W-What’s New York…?” he mumbles.

 “What?” Todd’s voice is obviously reserved, smothering shock in feigned indifference.

“N-New York…? I-It was in my dream…”

“Ah. You had another memory?”

“Yeah,” he sits up, “I did…”

‘Why are you acting so strange?’

Todd sits up as well, “I only know what I have told you, I swear,” he takes Jay’s hands, “It is good that you remember a place though…”

‘Just drop it, he has no reason to lie.’

‘Does he?’

“Do you think…”  Jay says to stop the mental battle, “ that the people on the planet might have heard of it?”

“No…” Todd runs his fingers through Jay’s hair, “They two planets were not close to each other, and it is very unlikely that anyone from your home would have visited.”

Disappoint blooms in Jay’s chest. With a forlorn sigh, he leans into Todd’s embrace, “I just wish I knew where I came from…”

Todd doesn’t speak, he only nudges Jay to turn around. Jay gets why when the male starts picking bots of earth out from his hair.

“But at the same time…I don’t want to…or at least…” he draws his knees up to his chest, “I don’t want the bad stuff…”

“The bad stuff is a part of life,”

“Says you,”

The Wraith barks out a laugh, “You do not truly believe that I have not suffered?”

Jay freezes, another burst of guilt explodes from his chest, “O-Oh shit no I’m sorry that’s not what I-“

“Relax,” the Wraith commands, running fingers through Jay’s locks, “I am only teasing. Though perhaps it was out of place for me to do so,”

Jay shakes his head, “N-No it’s just-“ he moans when the Wraith kisses his neck, right on top of a bruise he’d left a night ago.

“Stop,” Todd coaxes, guiding Jay’s head to the side so he can kiss him again, “You are entirely too much in your own head. And that is coming from me,”

“I am?”

“Indeed,” he chuckles, “you desire connection with those around you, yet you feel as if you do not deserve those connections. You are constantly worried about doing the wrong thing, saying something incorrect. Even around me. You think too much about things which are unimportant to your current situation, things which do not matter to anyone but you,”

“H-How do you know so much about me?” he reaches back to hold Todd’s left hand, then brings it up to kiss his palm.

The Wraith chuckles, guiding Jay down onto the mass of fabric, “I relate, in a way,” he says, between neck kisses.

“Hu-oh!” He bites his lip, stifling another noise when Todd’s skillful hands slide up his shirt.

The Wraith is very touchy, not that Jay’s complaining.

“You-” he jumps when Todd’s claws brush a nipple, “G-Get…nervous too?”

“Everyone gets nervous,” the Wraith kisses his lips, chaste and caring, then more forcibly, demanding Jay bend to his will.

He lets himself be adored yet again, reveling at Todd’s ability to take control. He loves this, the way the Wraith can take his thoughts and throw them out an airlock, replacing them with pleasure.

He still has questions though, and when Todd’s breaks for air he asks, breathlessly, “What do you have to be nervous about?” he’s thinking of all the times he’s seen Todd in full command, looking so sure of himself…he can’t imagine a man like that getting nervous.

“Many things,” he kisses Jay’s Adam's apple.

“Oh really?” Jay coos, blushing under Todd’s intense gaze.

The Wraith shakes his head, nipping at Jay's neck again before saying, “Now is not the time, but rest assured I am kept awake nearly as often as you are,” “he removes Jay’s shirt, moving down to kiss between his pectoral muscles.

“Not so much anymore,” Jay mewls.

“Hmm,” the Wraith leans down to bite and then suck on one of Jay’s nipples, his tongue flicking expertly over it, “neither I” he purrs, “you have chased a bit of them from me,”

“Them?”

“Nightmares…” he roles rough thumb and forefinger over the other nipple, nipping lightly at the first one.

Jay moans, hardly able to comprehend what his lover is saying anymore. He wraps his arms around the Wraith’s neck, a moan on his lips, “I-I didn’t think…” The commander just seems so…solid.

“If I allowed my worries to be seen, my crew would be much less inclined to follow me,” He pauses for a moment, “Commanders must be in control…”

Jay watches Todd’s expression shift, then crumple under the weight of his own mind. His eyes grow dark, pained, and Jay knows he’s off in the past.

Seconds later, it’s confirmed, “I could not save them…”

“Hey,” Jay sits up with a bit of effort, the Wraith is still half pinning him down, “There wasn’t anything you could do-“

“No.” Todd snaps, sitting up, “You do not understand-“

“I don’t need to,” he kisses the Commander, hard and demanding in his own right. His turn to make the Wraith feel something other than anguish.

After a little gentle pushing, the Wraith is laying down, coat and shirt removed, and Jay is doing his best to draw his mind away from the past.

He starts on the Wraith’s neck, kissing and sucking while he massages the space where his back turns into broad shoulders. Todd purrs, soft and reserved like he’s not sure he deserves this.

The weight of the moment rests heavily on Jay's shoulders, the understanding that ten thousand years of life have worn his partner down. It’s his job now to let the Commander know that he’s worth it.

“H-How do you know so much about me?” the Wraith groans when Jay bites into the corded flesh of his neck.

“Don’t have to be a mind reader to know what people are thinking,”

Todd sinks a hand into his hair, closing his eyes to let Jay work.

It’s…strange…touching a Wraith like this. But Jay’s fingers somehow know what to do. His mouth somehow gets the spots right. The hollow of his throat, the protruding spine, the inky marking he’s covered in. they’re all pressure points, all serving to, at last, reveal the organ Jay has been wondering about for three days.

He feels it first, brushing against his own, clothed, half-hard cock. His pause clues the Commander in, and he grins, raising his head to meet Jay’s eyes, “It can take a little to…” he moans when Jay grinds against it, effectively silencing him.

Jay ignores the area for a little longer choosing to play his teeth and lips all over the Wraith’s torso until the budge in his pants his rock hard. When his mouth finally gets down there, Todd’s purring is loud enough to vibrate his whole body and Jay's whole head.  

“Can I?” the human tries to make his voice as rough as possible, brushing lips over the area then looking up through dark lashes.

A flash of hesitation crosses Todd’s eyes. Jay starts to pull up, not wanting to push the Wraith into something he’s not ready for. But then a hand is in his hair, basically shoving his face back down, “Yes,” Todd breaths out, “I want…I-I want that very much,”

“Are you…sure? The last thing he wants is to harm his partner.

“Yes,” Todd’s voice is strained, grief-stricken, “Please…before I change my mind…”

Jay waits a moment longer, until Todd growls, light, but in the way that tells Jay, he better get to his task.

Jay's own cock jumps at the brazen order, the animalistic quality of the male shows through a little, the part that reminds Jay he’s dealing with a practiced predator, not a mewling kitten, however, he may appear.

He likes that somehow, likes it a lot.

The Wraith’s pants are surprisingly easy to remove, quickly put aside to reveal…

“Oh” Jay stares, wide-eyed at what’s in front of him.

Large comes to mind first. Todd’s cock is a big as a male of his stature and rank should have. Thick too, but not something Jay couldn’t get down his throat with enough effort. It’s ribbed in gentle bumps all the way from base to top. The tip itself is tapered, no mushroom head here.

Jay doesn’t realize how long he’s been staring until Todd’s lifting under his jaw, bringing the human's heavy lidded gaze up to meet glowing amber eyes.

Instantly, the human turns red, attempting to jerk his head away, only to be caught fast by a gentle but firm hand.

“Something wrong?” Todd’s voice is deeper than usual, sultry in a way that scrapes Jay raw.

Words die in his own throat, he shakes his head, trying to pull away once again.

“Would you like to compare?” the Wraith continues, reaching for Jay’s belt buckle.

Compare? With that?  “Oh, fuck no,” Jay breaths out, slinking away from the advance with such force that he literally rolls out of the nest and onto the floor.

The room is at once filled with the notes of pure laughter from both Wraith and human. a hearty, booming sound that warms Jay to the bone, filling his heaving chest full of giggly butterflies. By the time they both calm down they’re gasping for breath, Jay only having rolled further away from where he was.

In a move thats way to suave to not be practiced Todd scoops up his companion, returning him to the nest where the pair curl back up in each other's arms. 

Jay just buries his face to hide his embarrassment. Way to go him for messing up the moment.

“Quiet,” Todd mutters, “We need not go at light speed,”

“It’s just a blow job,” he protests.

“Maybe so,” Todd kisses under his right earlobe, then whispers in his ear, “But it is also just a blow job, not the end of the world,”

“Yeah…but I wanted to make you feel good for once,”

Todd chuckles, a deep vibrating sound that tickles the tips of Jay’s toes, “Then you were successful,”

“But-“

“Hush-“

“But-“

“Hush, Jay,” he scraps claws gently over Jay’s scalp, kissing him lovingly, “Not one more word until you have layed here with me for a little while,”

The need to get up and get back down there and return the adoration he was constantly showered with is so intense that, for a moment Jay feels near tears. It’s only when he feels the Wraith’s purr, deep and satisfied, seep into his own skin that his heart settles.

He doesn’t stop thinking through, even as he closes his eyes. The nerves he’d experienced, the way Todd’s voice had quavered, the grief in his eyes. There's something there…something for both of them. It may only be guilt or some other innocent catalyst. But Jay doesn’t particularly think so. There's something here, boiling just under the surface. Something Todd is doing his best to hide.

Chapter Text

They don’t go back to the planet right away. Todd fakes having some task to do first but, Jay knows the Wraith doesn’t want the human to feel guilty for needing more time. In any case, Todd goes off for a few hours, also knowing (through that pesky telepathy) that Jay needs some space. He has a lot to think about, a lot he needs to process alone.

He bathes first, the hot water once again searing away some of his more jagged edges. He scrubs at embarrassment, rises away concern, and rubs at the gnawing worries that just won’t go away.

For all his effort, one issue still stands tall. Todd is hiding something. That should have been clear from the start, Jay realizes as he goes over the past, and only, month that he can remember.  He doesn’t know exactly what to make of all the forlorn expressions, wistful looks, and reserved nature of his companion, but he knows it all adds up to a big, huge, red flag.

 He feels guilty for even thinking that though…Todd has been nothing but kind, nothing but helpful. And he’s in mourning, damnit. Maybe this has nothing to do with Jay, maybe it’s all John…

Then again, this all happened so fast…the friendship, the…other stuff, too fast to make sense if Jay is just a random refugee.

He’s not so far gone that he thinks he could possibly simply be the most attractive thing Todd has ever seen. Clearly, his scared, half-starved, frail body, is no catch.

Not to an ancient Wraith anyways.

He rises the soap out of his hair, grimacing when a strand of it falls into his mouth. He hates having long hair, it’s always getting in his eyes, always pricking the back of his neck. He briefly eyes a pair of scissors he’d used to trim his beard before shaving. Should he? Nah, he’d only mess things up.

Stepping out of the water produces a shiver that’s instantly blocked out by a warm, fluffy blanket. He sits down on the floor, covering wrapped tightly, and tries not to think about Todd.

He just looks so…mysterious sometimes…like there’s something on his mind that Jay really needs to know…

‘No, fuck, stop it, he’s your boyfriend.’

The word ‘boyfriend’ gets him going in a whole other kind of way that he has to fight down to maintain a little dignity. He’s supposed to be suspicious, not turned on.

Glaring at his crotch, he gets up to finish drying off, and tries not to think of Todd’s skillful hands burning away his skin with pleasure.

Who knew simple stroking could be so…so hot.

And one of these days he was going to-

“Fuck” he hisses at himself, “Seriously Jay shut the hell up.”

With a frustrated groan, he tosses the towel on the ground and goes to get dressed. A walk around the Hive will do good to clear his mind. Even better if there are Wraith nearby to ward off the more scandalous thoughts.

Jay is comfortable now and familiar enough with the Hive to find his way around the section that exists between his room and the Command Center. He can also find his way to the Heart but decides against that pathway because it would definitely spring up uncensored thoughts of Todd.

“Focus on his Wraith side a little bit, would ya?” he pleads as he starts toward the Command Center, pace light due to the spongey floor.

As good as the dry air had felt, Jay has found that he’s most comfortable in the mist. Perhaps because it’s all he’s ever known. It feels a bit like a cool blanket, the humidity chilling his whole body in a way he’s starting to find pleasant.

It feels good to bundle up, it feels secure.

‘Because there was a time when you froze without anything to drive the ice away?’ the voice mocks.

Jay staggers, the Hive’s wall softens up to catch him then, springs him back. Jay swears he heard it hum when they touched.

‘All Wraith are connected to the Hive,’ Jay remembers fondly, nearly humming back at the thought of an extension of Todd catching him.

And there he goes again.

With a frustrated growl, he shakes his head, picking up his walk into a light jog.

‘You can’t run from your problems forever,’

“I’m not trying to,” he rounds a bend, ears pricking at the sound of distant voices, one clearly Wraith.

He pads toward the sound, slowing to the stop once he’s right around the corner from two arguing males. A peak is all it takes to see that it’s Bonewhite and Evan, each looking beyond pissed.

Jay snaps himself out of sight, though not so much that he can’t see. He presses his hand over his mouth to try and muffle any sounds he might make.

“I just want to be with you!” Lorne’s muffled voice snaps at his lover with a huff.

Do not lie to me,” Bonewhite sneers, “that may be true but, it is not the truth.”

“It is-“

“No, you want to fight is what it is.”

“So what? Of course I do! And so does Dr. Keller, that’s what we signed up for years ago, its what we swore to do!”

“Promises to a dead empire mean nothing.” Bonewhite shifts, a deep snarl rising from the depths of his chest.

“How can you say that when you and Todd have been carting supplies and people from Earth to here for seven years?”

“You know that is not the same!” the Wraith booms, stepping forward, our pledge is to you-“

“and my people. My “dead empire”

“Evan-“

“No.” It’s Evan’s turn to be short, “I swore myself to protect my country, and now that it’s been overtaken, I’m forced to sit here and play welcome committee while you and Todd take over.”

“Evan you are fragile-“

“Don’t patronize me.”

“They nearly took your whole tongue! They nearly-”

“And I’d let them if it meant I could leave this place and fight for my home!”

“I will not allow it!”

A deep surge of anger rises up in Jay, something that feels much more a part of Sheppard than himself. He has to hold it in with a deep, concentrated breath to keep himself from exploding at Bonewhite’s audacity.

Evan falls silent, but furry pollutes the air, prickling at Jay’s skin. The human finds himself holding his breath, waiting for the other’s response.

There is none, only the sound of footsteps running away, and Bonewhite calling after them.

Jay uses the sound to run away himself, not wanting to get caught eavesdropping on what sounded like a very private conversation.

Bonewhite may like him, but certainly not that much.

Once he’s sure he’s far enough away, stops to rest at an alcove looking out into space. Bits of the conversation play in his head and, again, a furry raise in him. His fists clench in the soft fabric of his shirt, he has to grind his teeth to keep from hissing in an altogether too primal way.

It’s none of his business. And yet, the part of him that is Sheppard is screaming.

He trains his eyes onto the window and focuses on the planet to keep the low-level anxiety this reaction is causing, at bay. It glows bright blue and green, a stark contrast to the black void around it. From above there’s no evidence of life besides the plants that cover each landmass, and the oceans.

Still, there are people down there…a whole community of people that could be like him. The anxiety spikes into his lungs, momentarily he can’t breathe and he staggers back against the wall, the Hive catching him again. But this time not even the thought of Todd can stop the roar in his ears and the deep sense of longing that wraps its fist around his neck and crushes. There's something about it that’s so familiar…like a twin of something he used to love.

A shudder runs up his spine, his vision blurs, and when he blinks, he’s back there.

~

The quiet roars in his ears, the emptiness of this cage the fullest sensation he’s ever known. There were people here once…others like him, all screaming, crying out at their gods, or for loved ones. One by one they were taken by the Wraith. to where, he doesn’t know but, he knows they never come back…The last to be taken was a pregnant woman, Sam. He knew a Sam once, he thinks…he can’t really remember much anymore. There's just this cell, and the silence, and the emptiness. What was his name again?

They come for him eventually, but by then he can barely remember why he’s here. Looming faces stare down at him, discussing in a language he doesn’t understand. They shake hands…congratulations are in order…the Colonel has finally been bought, he knows the word Colonel.

Someone else was supposed to find him, that he’s certain of. But the Wraith who takes him doesn’t have long hair, or a starburst tattoo, or warm eyes. He is shaven, bloodshot, and wastes no time in taking the first bite. After that, even his long-haired savior starts to vanish from his mind.

~

Jay gasps back to life, scrambling to his feet, his whole-body tremoring. In the corner of his eye, something whispers, flashes, but when he turns, it’s gone.

“What the fuck” he mutters, backing against the wall, jumping when his back hits it. “why are you doing this to me…”

‘No one is doing anything’

“Bullshit.” He seethes, jolting forward before another vision can overwhelm him. He needs space, a run, anything to keep the darkness slicking the back of his mind at bay.

‘If you won’t look, you won’t see’

He ignores the voice, pushing on.

~

He ends up running to a part of the Hive he doesn’t recognize, which isn’t saying much. This side smells, and feels, warm, and if Jay falls silent, he can just hear laughing aways down. It’s not Wraith laughter though…human?”

He darts forward towards the sound, there are other humans here?

The laughing grows stronger, it draws him like a fish on a hook, to a room which bathes the other side of the wall in a strip of it’s light.

He doesn’t think, just spins into the room and is assaulted by unbearably bright lights. With a yelp and a grunt, he stumbles backward, hands over his eyes. Wraith Hives are naturally dim – even Jay has taken to darkening his rooms now – and the burning yellow of countless bulbs turned to high is almost painful, even with his eyes closed and covered.

What’s more painful though, is the silence. The room goes dead quiet, almost to a comical extent. like Jay is the “not wanted stranger in a small town.”

Nervously, he opens his eyes and peaks through his fingers. He’s surprised to see about a dozen humans staring at him like he’s some kind of mythical creature.

Slowly, he lowers his hands, squinting, the humans barely move, too stunned to speak.

“Jay!” A familiar voice calls out, turning Jay’s attention to a round table where Evan sits, waving at him with a hand holding a mug. Relief, floods him, followed by the anxiety that’s been plaguing him.

Even comes over quickly and pulls him by the hand over to where he sits with a few other people, all similar in age. His nonchalance relaxes the rest of the room, and soon they’re back to talking, though some still eye him warily.

Jay is just thankful, despite the rapid beating of his heart, to be sitting down where his spinning head can process in peace.

“Try this” Evan says in his garbled voice, giving Jay a soft smile that feels generous. Jay’s surprised to see him looking so…content. He hadn’t expected tears, but certainly not this.

Still, he takes the mug and brings it to his lips, inhaling a minty aroma before cautiously taking a sip. He shudders as it goes down, his whole-body tingling with warmth, “What is it?”

“Herbal tea, helps with nerves. You seem a bit high-strung, man.”

He snorts, sliding the mug back to Evan, only to be given a fresh on, “I’ve had a rough month…”

“It is cool” Evan comforts, “My first months were rough too,”

Jay almost comments that Evan didn’t have amnesia, but that seems rude to say to someone that’s trying to connect. Instead, he takes a big sip and yelps when the piping hot liquid burns his tongue and throat.

A few surrounding humans chuckle, Jay wishes he could smile with them, but the worry that Evan saw him spying, mixed with the most recent vision keep his lips flat and his eyes wandering.

This place is a mix of Wraith and humans. The furniture all grows from the floor but is covered in brightly colored cloth and pillows. The lights are obviously Wraith, but it’s clear that more of them have been brought in to brighten up the place. Tablets are scattered all over, as well as games. There are several arch ways too. A woman appears out of one, carrying a child in her arms. Another comes out with a pot.

Are they worshipers? That does not seem like something Todd would do. Then again, Wraith need to eat…and Todd has not, probably, been completely forthright with his lover…probably.

Yet another stab of guilt wretches through him. he drinks more tea to hide his shaking hands.

“We’re not worshippers” A women with short blond hair says.

Jay just stares into space until his mind picks up on that he’s been spoken too “S-Sorry what?” he takes another gulp of his tea, this time to hide red cheeks.

She smiles, understanding “We are not worshipers if that is what you think.”

Oh, oh? “You don’t feed the Wraith?”

She nods, “We do, but there are ways to mitigate the enzyme.” She gestures to the tea.

“They’re here because the Commander offered them refuge,” Evan informs.

“Sounds like Todd…” he mumbles, drinking again. He’s trying to let the tea work it’s magic, but his mind is going a mile a minute still.

“Where are you from?” a man with a dark complexion asks, bringing a spoon to his mouth.

Jay’s hands tighten around the mug, “I don’t…I don’t know…” he can see himself in what’s left of the liquid; the scraggly outline of his hair, his sunken cheeks…

The man gives him a warm smile, “Hey, that means you can start a whole new life right, away from what came before?”

Jay wants to tell this man that its not that simple, not when the male he’s with is clearly hiding something, and when every step he takes uncovers a new, violent memory but, he doesn’t. He just smiles awkwardly and sips the last of his tea down. His legs bounce involuntarily then, his fingers crap from how hard he squeezes the mug.

After a little bit of awkward conversation and Jay trying to hide that he’s on the verge of a panic attack, Evan takes him for a walk. They’re quiet at first, just observing the Hive, looking out hyperspace windows, existing. The anxiety does not lessen, but it does mute slightly, enough for Jay to feel like he can speak.

‘Ask him about Earth’

‘Ask him about Todd’

‘Ask him what they’re hiding’

He snaps his teeth together, shaking his head to quiet it, then asks, in barely a whisper. “W-Why do you want to fight?”

Evan winces, “I knew someone heard that…” he sighs, sticks his hands in his pockets.

“It’s okay if-“

“No, I can talk about it…” Evan glances away, clearly uncomfortable.

Jay picks at the ends of his sleeves, waiting.

He doesn’t answer right away, in fact they walk in silence for a long time before the ex-soldier can say “I was a solider, swore to protect my country…” He stops walking, leans against the Hive, “my country’s gone now, but my planet isn’t…and or later, the Wraith that rule it will find out about Todd, I don’t want to be getting fat and lazy in a camp when they do.”

“I understand,” Jay says without thinking. Weird thing is, he means it. Something inside him gets where this man is coming from, really gets it.

“Huh” Evan shrugs, taking him at his word “Maybe you were soldier too”

“Maybe…” the word “Colonel” bounces in his head.

They start up again, once again returning to silence, this time though, it’s less awkward. Now that Evan knows he heard him.

With the space now cleared in his head, Jay’s thoughts can return to his own situation. There are so many things he wants to ask Evan. About Earth, about life there, about the Wraith…about New York…but he doesn’t know where to start. How could he even begin to ask?

Before he can gather up the courage, they get to Evans door, and Jay finds himself offering, “I can talk to Todd, you know…uh…ask him to make Bonewhite let you on…I-I could even talk to Bone-“

Evan holds a hand up, “That’s nice, really, but this is a battle six years old, you’re not gonna change his mind overnight.”

“O-Oh I didn’t mean to assume-“

“I know,” Evan leans against his door frame, “just…worry about yourself right now. You look like you’ve been through hell, you probably have. If you really want answers, that’s what you should be doing. I can hold my own.” His tone is dismissive but, not unkind.

“Uh…right…” he looks down at his feet, “But…how do I do that when I don’t even know what to ask?” He wants to tell Even that he knows Todd is hiding something, but he hasn’t known the human long enough to believe he’d offer anything but a defense for his friends.

Even shrugs, “Maybe it’s not about asking, maybe it's about looking. Bonewhite said you’ve been getting flashbacks?”

A shiver runs down Jay’s spine, he grimaces, “Wait until you have waking nightmares to tell me to look at mine.”

‘Bold of you to assume he doesn’t’

Evan’s hazel eyes seem to see right through him and his insecure accusations to the truth of the matter, “I know you want to have something, God knows well all do…you feel lost, and desperate to know your place in this new world you’ve been thrust into. You think “If I just had something, then I’d be happy,” right?”

His face burns with shame, “Right…”

“But, Jay, if you can’t put in the effort to look, then how do you think you’ll handle it if you do get something? Odds are, it won’t be good”

“But-“

“Jennifer says we can only know as much as we allow ourselves to know. As tough as that is to hear…I think she’s right”

“How would you know?” He finds himself snapping. Them after a beat of quiet, the ball in his chest forces its way out in an ugly “you were never an amnesiac!”

He regrets saying it before the words even leave his mouth. It’s horribly unfair to compare their lives, Evan has to remember his after all…

Somehow, the man doesn’t burst into a rage as he should. He just smiles ruefully, a deep sadness blooming in his brown eyes. “No, No you’re right, I was never an amnesiac, but I sure as hell know what it’s like to lose yourself.”

“I-“ He tries but the words get caught in his throat. The voice in the back of his mind chastises him yet again.

Evan holds up his hand, signaling that he wants to say something important. “On Earth…” He tries, “On Earth…they force you to be a worshiper if you don’t become food first…when Todd and Bonewhite picked me up, I spent six months screaming at them for removing me from my Hive…I felt lost then…”

Jay doesn’t know what to say to that besides “Oh…I’m sorry…” guilt threatens to crush him.

The human just nods, ‘I had to get past that, I had to let myself accept my new situation…and I had to learn to deal with the aftermath, no matter how painful” he brings his hand to his mouth.

“I have to look…” Jay says with disdain.

“You have to look” Evan agrees, stepping into the doorway, “and only you know where exactly you should.” With that, he shuts the door.

~

Jay spends the rest of the day in his quarters. He paces back and forth across his cushioned floors for a while and tries to make sense of the world. Evan told him to look, but every time he closes his eyes, he’s met with that…horrible face, and he draws back as quick as he can. How is he supposed to look when just the thought of his past is nauseating?

With a groan, he flops down on his bed and yanks the covers over his head, “Is this just my life now?”

‘Do you even have a life yet?’ the ever-present bastard comments.

“Hell if I know.” He squeezes his eyes shut, and the lights dim, shrouding him in darkness.

It’s almost peaceful enough to fall asleep, if it wasn’t for his racing mind, Jay would have been out hours ago. Instead, he tosses and turns under the blanket, acutely aware that something is lurking…just behind his eyes, in the corners of his brain.

It’s even enough to banish his suspicions of Todd, so there’s no way in hell he’s getting any sleep.

A sharp knock on the door startles him from his half-asleep state and he shoots up, heart racing, his eyes blinded by the brightness that assaults him when the Hive senses his alert state.

“Sheppard?” Todd knocks again, and Jay’s body instantly relaxes

“C-Come in…” he calls and uncurls his fingers from their death grip on the bedsheets.

His lover swings the door open, he starts to say something but, he pauses and sniffs the air, “You were afraid?”

He shakes his head, “Long day…”

“Indeed’ Todd sighs and closes their gap, coming to sit on the edge of Jay’s bed. He holds an arm open and the human crawls across the mattress to curl up against him. He breaths in the earthy, sweet scent of Wraith, and sighs against the Commander’s coat.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks softly, running his nails up and down Jay’s back

‘Look’ the voice reminds him.

‘Todd is here’

‘Exactly’

He shakes the thoughts away and wraps his arms around Todd’s waist. He doesn’t want to believe Todd is part of it all, he can’t face that. “Not really…”

“Perhaps I should not have brought you down to the planet, I did not consider that it might be too much for you-“

“Todd” Jay reaches one hand up to turn the Wraith’s face toward him, “Not now, alright?”

‘Please, I do not want to have to think about you in terms of my plight’

The Commander looks reluctant, but he nods anyways and pull’s Jay closer, “We are invited to dinner around a bonfire tonight, would you like to go?”

Jay says yes before he can think about it because, although he desperately wants to stay here with Todd, he needs to be around others who get this feeling.

Todd sees right through it or, rather hears, “You do not have to attend.”

“I think I should” he mumbles, “I think it…would be good for me, ya know?”

“Mmm” he kisses his forehead, “If you are sure.”

He’s not, thankfully Todd doesn’t point that out.

~

As it turns out, “tonight” Is hours away so, sensing that Jay needs a distraction, Todd brings Jay to his rooms and a lot of that fruity drink, plus a board of meats, bread, cheeses and sweet things for them both to snack on. They rest on pillows covered in fine, rich cloths, and pick at the meal. Idle chatter fills the room, it almost works to nullify the acid in Jay’s body. In any case, it does enough.

The human notices pretty quickly that Todd avoids anything that isn’t fruit or savory. He starts to ask why, Todd cuts him off.

“It is just a preference; I know many who exclusively indulge in the sickly side of human substance.”

Jay swallows a bit of bread and comments, “you gotta stop that.”

“Hm?” he cocks his head to the side and his whole body shifts along with it. His arms are bar, and Jay can’t help but eye his bulging muscle until the Commander clears his throat and purrs “You hand something to say?”

Jay flushes, “Uh…Uh…” what was it? “N-Never mind” he scoots closer to Todd and picks up a strawberry.

Before he can shove it in his mouth, the Wraith has bent down and eaten it from his fingers. On the ascent, his kisses his partner, chaste and delicate, but a little sweetness transfers over and somehow it tastes better than the actual thing.  

“Ah…” Jay swallows, getting redder by the minute. Their eyes meet and Todd’s are blown wide again, only this time Jay doesn’t laugh. He knows what those eyes mean now, they mean the human is about to be another sort of meal.

Moments like these are so conflicting. How could someone so sweet be hiding anything? Todd swore he was hiding nothing…

‘Look’

‘Not now’

‘Then when?’

The human reaches for his glass as a distraction, only for Todd to lightly place a paw on it, “allow me” his voice rolls over Jay like hot butter and melts away his concentration on anything other than this moment.

“Ah…”

The Wraith chuckles, he raises the glass to Jay’s lips and tilts. Nectar floods his mouth, he lets it sit there for a moment before swallowing. His head is buzzing, and it can’t be from the drink, there’s no alcohol in it to speak of.

Carefully, the Wraith plucks a round fruit from the bunch and raises it Jay’s lips with a playful smirk. He must smell the lust…the desire that’s all over his companion, he must revel in it.

How can a Wraith be so kind? What makes Todd and his Hive so special…so enlightened? How can he sit here with a Wraith, and let him feed him fruit and nectar, how can he feel so perfectly safe when the very hand that feeds him could kill him in seconds?

And how can he be so calm when Todd is hiding something?

Todd’s lips twitch down for a split second before returning to its pleased state, “Just as some humans commit genocide, some Wraith are monsters.” He takes Jay’s hand with his other, “But we are not evil, no more than the farmer who slaughters the hog.

“Your existence is antithetical to mine…” Jay mutters, “you’re capable of so much pain…” what he means to say is “You are hiding something from me, and I hate you for that” but he doesn’t, because he can’t.

He doesn’t want Todd to be hiding something.

“Yes,” he says and brings his forehead to rest against Jay’s, “But I will not hurt you, never, not to you or anyone else I care for”

“I don’t know what to think…” he gulps against Todd’s lips, “I’ve been seeing things clearer…stronger memories…I can see Him clearly now…” he wants to say “I am close to the truth and I think that’s making you nervous but, I love you and I don’t want to lose you” but he doesn’t because he cant.

He doesn’t want to find out that he is.

Instead, he parts his lips when Todd kisses him, soft and sweet. “It is hard, I know, to think of us as individuals. It is nigh impossible to forgive years of torment, to ignore the power imbalance we will always have, but I have seen it done before…”

“How do I do it?” tears pickle at the corners of his eyes.

Todd shrugs, he nuzzles Jay’s neck, whispers into his ear “nothing must be decided, nothing must be done…If you wake up one day and decide you hate me, I will take you to a habitable planet without argument. That has always been the terms of our relationship.”

Somehow, that helps. The words soothe over Jay like a cool stream, the non-expectation of it all…the fact that Todd would let him go…

“Do you promise?” He asks tentatively, joining their left hands together.

“I promise”

‘I think I can handle that…’

The Commander’s whole body vibrates, Jay takes it as a sign to keep on kissing. He chooses to ignore, again, the voice screaming at him to look.

~

The bonfire night, according to Todd, it’s supposed to be a bit fancier than just eating around a fire. Jay decides to go with the first outfit he worse on the Hive: black pants, black T-shirt, boots, his jacket. He also wears the watch for the first time in a week. Jay would feel bad but, Todd wears the ring, and even if Jay can’t remember T, he’d like to honor him tonight.

Its funny that he’d be in love with two guys with a name that starts with T, maybe that’s his type.

The Commander wears what he always wears but, Jay notices him starting to braid his hair over his shoulder and, because he feels like it’s appropriate now, and because he’s a little desperate to connect to Todd in a way that doesn’t involve kissing, asks; “Could I do that…?”

Silence falls over the room, Todd becomes perfectly still, his eyes blazing.

Jay is about to take it back when his hands fall from his hair and he nods, “Only if I can cut yours”

The human beams, “please”

Jay needs the most TLC, so Todd sits him down at a mirrored vanity, something so ridiculously human that Jay wonders if it was even Todd’s idea to install it. Then again, besides the mirror, its all Hive.

Wondering about the intricacies of Todd’s room distracts the man from thinking about his appearance too much. Though it's hard not to stare at the jagged scar, the still sunken cheeks, and skinny frame. It’s only slightly helped by his eyes, now a bright green. They are the only thing that makes him look remotely human.

“Whoa, aren’t you going to ask me what I want done with it?” Jay asks when the Wraith brings the scissors up.

Todd shakes his head, “I have something in mind that I know you will like”

“Ookay” he drawls, deciding to trust Todd on this. Its not like it can get any worse than it already is.

There's a lot of hair to cut off, and with every snip Jay feels a part of himself change. watching the dead strands of brown fall from his shoulders, seeing the beginnings of a short cut, it feels…well it feels amazing. Todd takes great care, he’s almost reverent with Jay’s hair. He cuts carefully, almost measuring each strand as he goes along. It takes a little but, by the time he’s done, John has a perfect short head of hair which Todd runs his fingers through and rules up, shaking away the loose strands

“There, good as new” he smirks which turns into a smile when Jay catches his feeding hand and kisses it.

To say it's perfect is an understatement. The cut has a sort of short on the sides longer on the top thing going on, and the strands that are there pop up without help in a way that Jay can see himself hating, but everyone else loving so much that it doesn’t matter. It frames his face in the right way too…like he’d came out of the womb with this cut in his DNA.

“How did you…do this?”

Todd shrugs, the smirk, has returned, “I have had many eons of practice cutting hair.”

Jay hugs him, tight, ad his chest gets crushed in Todd’s return squeeze, but the Wraith is vibrating, so Jay doesn’t care. He feels so much more like himself somehow…so much better.

He decides, then, to stamp out the suspicion just for tonight, and let himself be content in Todd’s presence.

Thankfully, Todd’s hair doesn’t need nearly as much work. It’s already brushed, though Jay brushes once more for good measure, then starts on the side braid. He thought he might need Todd to get it started but, somehow his fingers know what to do, just like when they kiss. Jay is starting to suspect that “T” might have been a Wraith, because how else would he be so good at being with one.

Todd snickers, “Think so?”

“Get outta my head! He squeaks, blushing.

“You may be right, you are very good at it, after all” his voice is purposely teasing, the asshole.

“Shut up” he mutters, tugging lightly at Todd's braid. The Wraith growls, but the mirror reveals his playful expression.

Jay makes a mental note that Todd likes his hair pulled for when they eventually get to that stage…

An image of him pinned to the bed, full to the brim with that big cock flashes over his mind. He yelps and drops the hair in embarrassment and shame when he sees Todd’s eyes light up.

‘Oh God’

The Wraith raises, turns to Jay with a hungry expression, “Humans are remarkably unfiltered” He growls, stepping towards his lover slowly. Jay gulps, though excitement quickens his pulse. Within seconds he’s backed against the wall, and slid down a little as Todd bends over him, still baring his teeth.

He gulps again, determined not to make eye contact. Can Todd smell his arousal?

“Yes, Shepparrrrd” He breaths out, capturing the Colonel’s cheeks with his hands and pulling him for up a hungry kiss

Jay whines under it, he parts his lips to let Todd taste.

Just when they’ve gotten to the point where John is straining in his pants, Todd pulls back, his face decorated with a sly expression “You might want to finish my hair, we must leave soon.”

“W-“

“We will get to that point, Sheppard,” He says as he sits back down, “for now, hair”

“Right…” Jay grumbles, “hair.”

Halfway through, the conversation strays to Evan. Jay can’t help himself from asking about them.

“Ah” Todd sighs, rubbing his forehead, “That is a long and complex tail, one I do not wish to get into” he throws a glance over his shoulder, “the short of it is that Evan rightfully wants to fight and that Bonewhite has seen what happens when the humans we love do battle against our kind…”

“I know he doesn’t want to lose him” Jay scowls, “but that doesn’t give him the right to ground Evan…does it?”

“No” Todd agrees, flicking his tongue out, “It does not,”

Jay is relieved to hear that, “couldn’t you…ya know…” his fingers twitch, “do something about that…being the Commander and all?”

Todd chuckles wryly, “I could, and incur the wrath of my second.”

Jay’s fingers twitch again, then tug at Todd’s hair unconsciously “You’re telling me Evan’s chance to protect his home isn’t worth a little insubordination?” his tone is cold.

Todd scoffs, he catches Jay’s eyes in the mirror, “would you like me to do something about it, Jay?”

“Yes.”

“Then I shall.” And that’s that.

~

“You are nervous again” Todd observes behind closed eyes as the cruiser lands on its patch of flattened grass with barely a tremor. It’s not surprising as Todd is at the helm.

He shrugs, “Still not used to people yet, you know?” he sticks close to his lover, keeping his eyes fixed on the strange consul.

Todd’s hands slide off the flat surface. He opens his eyes, blinking in the light, “Do not worry, Jennifer is looking forward to seeing you, as are the others she is close to.”

“Will Evan be there too?”

Todd purses his lips, “Probably not.” He eyes Bonewhite, catching his second’s attention.

Bonewhite stops in his tracks, he hisses directly at Todd.

The Commander tosses him a glance. It’s obvious there’s some kind of mental conversation going on because the second just storms out without another verbal word.

“That uh…wasn’t the conversation, was it?” Jay asks nervously.

“No” Todd leaves the controls to stand by his side, “He does not want to admit that I am right, is all. He snakes his arm around Jay’s waist and pulls him close.

“Oh…okay” he smiles weakly. Bonewhite doesn’t look like he’s going to respond well to help…

“It will be fine” Todd assures.

Jay nods, choosing to believe it.

The Commander glances around the room and Wraith go their separate ways, an official release onto the planet it looks like. Once they are alone, they kiss, and then Todd nuzzles against his five o'clock shadow, purring lightly.

Jay blushes, “Guess I should only shave at night then?”

“I would be obliged” Todd mutters, he nips at Jay’s ear, “If you did it less than that”

The human can’t help but groan, then feel wholly embarrassed because they’re in the Command Room

“Everyone is gone” He purrs, running his hand through Jay’s hair, massaging his scalp.

“Mmm” Jay reaches up and undoes the first few inches of Todd’s coat, his other arm goes to the base of Todd’s neck and plays with the spur there.

The Commander shutters, obviously aroused, “We may need to…” he trails off, but not in a way that hints that he’s embarrassed. It's more like he can’t speak and…oh, oh that’s endearing.

“Pick up the pace?” Jay encourages this nonverbal side “Fuck Todd, I’d let you take me right here.”

The Commander grinds his teeth together, obviously trying to keep it together, “A…After…ugh” He holds Jay close, “After…”

“After” Jay agrees, breaking away from his alien over despite the way their voices and bodies both protest, “then I’m ready, too ready…” He can’t meet Todd’s eyes without risking being late to the bonfire.

Neither can Todd. He doesn’t even risk holding Jay’s hand when they leave.

~

Down the hill he can see it, the huge light burning the darkness away. The Bonfire towers over all else, even some of the bigger tents. He can’t see much else from here, but Jay can tell that everyone has gathered around the heat source, leaving the camp dark.

“This is an Earth tradition?” He asks Todd as they head down the grassy hillside.

“No,” He dips his head at a passing Wraith officer, “It is a tradition the humans came up with their first year here. It is a way to say thank you.”

“Too you?”

“Not necessarily,” he smooths out his braid with one hand, “To anyone they desire. The people of earth believe in many gods, many truths.”

He wonders what his people believed. Jay can’t imagine himself praying to a god.

“Or it is simply a night of warmth and sharing” Todd purrs in response.

He blushes slightly in embarrassment and turns his attention back outward.

Now that he has a clearer head, Jay notices the complete lack of permanent structures here. Sure, there are fields, a well has been installed not too far from the fire, but there are no houses to speak of…

“Where are the-“

“Jay! Todd!” Jen calls, racing up the hill to greet them. She wears an off-the-shoulder lilac dress that shimmers below her waist. Jay can tell it’s built to flare out when she dances. He suddenly feels very underdressed.

Todd bows his head, “Jennifer, good….” He glances at the sky, “evening?”

“Nailed it” she giggles, “Join my friends and I?” Jen jerks her head in the direction of a small group of people.

Todd presses his lips together, “I must retrieve something, then I would be happy to spend the time with you.”

“Awesome, I’ll steal your boyfriend then”

Jay lets himself be stolen but makes sure to kiss Todd first, for payback or something.

The Wraith’s lips are unnaturally warm, or maybe that’s just his imagination. In any case, he longs for the privacy of their bedroom. Todd's bedroom, he means.

“Do you like music?” Jen asks as they walk, it helps to drag him away from thoughts of Todd’s naked body.

“Uh yeah,” he bites his lip, “I think? I honestly don’t remember hearing any…”

‘Way to be a downer, Jay.’

But Jen beams, her good eye sparkles in anticipation. “Well that changes tonight, we’ve got a great band”

“Band…” he turns the word over in his mouth, then lets a smile break his lips apart, “Cool”

She chuckles, and they’ve arrived at her group of friends. They all stand, the same sort of smiles on their faces.

“This is Jay” Jen splays her good hand out to him.

Jay waves. The people here also have a vague familiarity to them…there’s one with red hair, pale too, and other one just as pale, but blond. They introduce themselves at Laura Cadmen and Kate Heighymyer respectively. Laura looks at him with an emotion not unlike the one he’s seen from Evan…like she’s waiting for something…

‘You know these people, don’t you?’

‘I don’t need this…’

‘But you do, you know it.’

Panic curls within him, a hammering in his chest- No. He grits his teeth and balls his fists in his pockets. He won’t be chased away from another opportunity for happiness because of this voice. His past can wait for moment.

It will wait tonight.

“It's really nice to meet you all” he forces out, keeping his eyes downcast.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Kate says warmly.

He doesn’t dare look up, but he lets himself smile. He can do this.

~

They don’t serve any more of that stew, but they do serve warm bread and roasted meat which is better because it’s more to chew, longer Jay can keep his mouth shut while the women chat around him. He nods his head when they ask a question he can answer but, mostly he lets them do the talking and enjoys their company.

Todd isn’t back yet, John gets the feeling he left in order to give his lover some time to be among his own kind. He’s a little thankful, It is nice to just talk, or to listen in his case, without anyone reading his thoughts.

He could also be speaking with Evan and Bonewhite though, so Jay hopes silently that that goes smoothly. He also hopes that Todd comes back in time for music though, he wants to dance with his companion.

He learns that Laura is ex-military like Evan and that Kate was a psychiatrist. She’s missing half of her left arm, but that hasn’t deterred her from wrapping a colorful bandana around it. Laura is the only one who looks relatively unscathed but anything could hide under her clothing.

“Why are there no structures?” He asks before he says something stupid about wounds, “seven years seems like a long time to not have any houses…”

Jen sighs, she bunches her hands up in her dress, “we must be ready to flee this planet at any moment…”

“What she means,” Laura cuts in, “Is that we are hoping to return home one day,”

“And so you…don’t want to be comfortable?”

Laura snorts, “If someone wants a house they can build it”

“We like the freedom of tents” Kate tacks on, running her hand over her stub absently.

“Oh…” That, Jay can understand. He bites his lip, then switches the topic, “are you happy here? I mean…could you, someone, be happy here?”

The group falls silent for a moment, and the air around them grows cold with seriousness.

“I suppose so…” Laura speaks first, “It’s no home planet, but I’m just happy to be alive and kicking”

“Agreed” Kate adds, though her voice shakes when she says it.

“But it’s more complicated than that, isn’t it?” He sets his plate down. so much for kicking his past out

“Lots of things are complicated, Jay” Kate answers, “Sometimes all we can do is take it one day at a time.”

“But what about the days when…when you can’t?” he plays with the ends of his sleeves.

“Then we have each other” Jen takes her friends hands.

Jay swallows thickly, he thought as much.

Mercifully, before anyone can say anything else, the band starts up.

Jay jerks his head up as the first few notes sing out into the crowd. A harmony of…something…fills the open air, drowning out the crackling and roar of the fire. It’s a sound that lights Jay’s heart up in its sincerity. A drum chorus chimes in and everyone around Jay gets up and joins the hands of their friends. Before the human can do anything, Jen and Kate have taken his and are pulling him to his feet.

“Wait, I don’t know the moves,” He protests halfheartedly because it seems like he should

“You don’t need to” Jen laughs, “Just move”

“C’mon, it's fun!” Laura encourages.

“Alright fine” He drawls, just don’t let me lead”

They gather in a circle, stepping in and out in time. Jen’s dress furls out in a sheet of glitter when she twirls into the middle of them. There are no lyrics to this music, no anchor to hold him in the present so he lets himself get lost in the motion.

“There you are!” Jen calls, halfway into the fourth song, and spins John right into Todd’s arms. They kiss, then Todd grabs his waist and transports them into another dimension entirely.

~

The band doesn’t stop until the fire is dying and everyone is either too exhausted or too drunk to keep dancing anymore. People stumble around, singing off-key, and some try to help clean up but just end up laying down in the grass, full and content.

Jay lays half on Todd’s stomach, half on the green below him. Todd lazily strokes a hand through his hair, purring in that wonderful way he does. The stroking and the meadow bed call the human to close his eyes and drift away until morning. He’s coated in sweat which chills him once the wind picks up, and his head is buzzing from something he drank but, for once the voice is quiet. He’s content.

Despite his exhaustion, he keeps his eyes fixed on the sky above for a little longer. A universe of stars showers the land in their light. There are no artificial lights here, nothing to block out the black, so dark that patches of it are blood purple, and the dazzle of countless jewels. They swirl in Jay’s eyes, and they brim with tears.

Todd should take him here, under this sky, his hair would look lovely against its backdrop…

The male stills, hands and all. He rumbles a soft, “shall we retire to my room then?”

Jay blushes, with a yawn he folds his body upwards, then turns back down and kisses Todd deeply, “quickly, before I fall asleep”

The pair stumble to their feet, keeping their bodies clasped together as they stagger uphill toward the cruiser. Jay can hardly stand even waiting as long as it takes to get there, his heart is hammering in his chest both in anticipation and desire so strong that a few dozing Wraith perk up.

Finally, finally, they get there and somehow make their way to the small hanger bay without making out too much on the way there. Some of the buzz is already starting to fade away, leaving Jay all too alert to how…well, undeniably excited Todd looks.

“Are you sure it’s safe to fly a dart right now…?” he drawls, half smiling, half frowning as Todd opens the hood.

“I am not nearly as intoxicated as you believe me to be” he chuckles, doing a wobble on purpose. Jay giggles.

Todd climbs in, then Jay gets in after and sits, snugly, between his legs. There is little room in the dart so their bodies are pressed together in every way possible. Jay can feel Todd’s hard-on on his back, his mouth waters and he instinctually wriggles back against it, feeling the heat in his open groin gather.  

“Careful” Todd whispers in his ear as the canopy closes, “Unless you want our first time to be in the hanger bay.”

Jay shudders, he presses closer to Todd anyways, “Take me home.”

The dart takes off, spinning up and through the air before Jay can blink. He can’t see outside, but he can feel the way the machine moves, it’s dips, it’s movements against wind resistance He…he can picture it flying up, up, up into space. Warmth spreads over him then, one completely different to the ache in his pants, a feeling of rightness that overwhelms his senses, almost to the point that he could cry.

This is…this is something Sheppard loved, flying that is. He’s sure of it.

Todd grins against his neck, kisses it, “I am glad you have remembered something positive”

“Me too” he replies meekly and closes his eyes.

They land too soon and not soon enough. Jay both wants to spend an eternity in the dart and also to get to Todd’s bedroom as soon as possible and finally consummate their courtship for real. When the canopy opens, Jay tears himself away from the dart, the later has won.

Todd clambers out, his eyes shining, and grasps Jay’s hand. Only a few more moments, finally they will be one.

The Commander walks quicker now, Jay doesn’t mind having to run to keep up. he does so easily.

They are almost there when something solid rams Todd against the wall, ripping their fingers apart. John barely has time to register that it’s Bonewhite before Todd yowls and jams his second off his him, claws catching skin and filling the air with the scent of earthy blood.

Bonewhite’s snarl is blood-curdling, he crouches low from his new position, ready to pounce.

“What the fuck!” Jay yells, jumping behind Todd.

“This is of none of your concern, human” Bonewhite rumbles, his eyes turning into slits at Todd’s responding animalistic growl.

They are silent for a moment but, their ragged breathing, flaring nostril pits and shifting eyes tell of mental communication. The conversation breaks off when Todd lunges, wild-eyed, and catches Bonewhite’s jaw under his fist, “You would not dare.”

The Wraith glares and spits more dark blood, he sidesteps another blow and kicks Todd in the stomach.

Jay winces but his lover merely grunts, pits flaring and retracting, still trying to glean the situation.

He and Jay come to the realization that Bonewhite is drunk at the same time.

While Jay tenses, knowing a drunk Wraith is probably much more likely to want to harm his superior, inhibitions gone and all, Todd seems amused by the fact.

The older Wraith breaks into a ragged laugh, and steps back as Bonewhite lunges forwards and misses. That only pisses off the younger further.

“You think this is funny?” Bonewhite seethes.

“No.” Todd snaps, leaping back against again then lashing out and catching the Wraith in the temple, “you are interrupting my evening with your foolish notions.”

“My foolish notions?” he growls, trying again, this time succeeding in streaking three claw marks down Todd’s arm. “You are the foolish one!” They are shallow cuts and, they heal quickly but Jay’s heart spikes all the same.

“Stop!” He protests but the two males shout over him.

“Be careful, youngling.”

“I nearly match you in age!”

“But not in wisdom.” Todd flicks his tongue over his bottom to lip to feel where it’s split under another quick hit.

“You call this wisdom?” Bonewhite chuckles, his eyes wide with derangement, “Hive, I am so sick of you.” He throws Jay a glance, the human tries not to shrink back under that look…

“Brother-“ Todd tries, but Bonwehite snarls

“Do not brother me! You care not for the bond!

Is this about…Evan?

Todd ceases his next assault mid-strike to pull back, clearly wounded, “You must not say such things-“

“I will say whatever I want!”

“Not that” Todd pleads, “It is a lie-“

“Yes, but you are used to lying, no?”

“This is not about me, brother, it is about Lorne”

“Yes” Bonewhite’s boot comes out and gets Todd in the side, hard enough to crumple him. “I am so sick of you sticking your nose in my business! You cannot offer him a place on this Hive! I will not put him in danger!”

Is that what Todd was doing when he was away…shit, Jay didn’t think he’d actually do it…

Todd gets up, snarling, only to be knocked down again, he looks dazed.

Jay rushes to defend but, Bonwehite is already on him, fists coming down again and again on Todd, knocking the male’s head back and forth. Blood dribbles from his mouth were teeth and cheek must have met.

“Stop it!” Jay cries, tugging at Bonewhite, “You’ll kill him!”

Bonewhite laughs, “He can push me off anytime.”

Todd grunts, but Jay notices his eyes are locked onto his opponents, his hands sit…patiently, at his sides. They are conversing…and Todd isn’t fighting back.

“You see, Jay” Bonewhite hisses, bringing his fists down hard yet again, “He knows I am right” a hit, “knows he is wrong” another hit, this time something, Todd’s nose, cracks and blood seeps from the already rapidly closing wound, “And knows to do anything other than accept it is to be a hypocrite-“

Todd’s hand twitches then shoots up and he’s grabbed Bonewhite by the collar and flung him around and against the Hive so hard that a real bone snaps.

The younger Wraith yowls, his broken arm hanging uselessly at his side. He goes to snap something but Todd’s fist closes around his neck, perfectly in control. “I could take a beating” he hisses, and the rest is silent

“No” Bonewhite gasps, “S-Say it a-a-aloud…” He wheezes, he claws desperately at his throat.

Todd just closes his palm further, a carefully restrained rage clear in his eyes.

Something in the back of Jay’s mind screams ‘Wrong!’

“T-Todd..” he tries, still reeling from how such a wonderful night turned into this, “maybe you should-“

He lover curls his lip back, unrelenting.

They stay locked in that stalemate for ages until finally Todd lets his second go.

Bonewhite hacks, gasping up as much air as he then coughs back out, trying to catch his breath. Todd doesn’t rise but instead runs his hand up and down where Bonewhite’s spine is, a distinct chirping sound coming from his bloodied lips. Another silent conversation passes over them, and Todd’s lips relax a moment before sneering.

Slowly the Wraith comes back to himself. When Todd is satisfied that he’s alright, he kicks him once more in the ribcage and barks an aggressive order Jay can’t understand but, surmises must be something akin to get the fuck away from me because Bonwehite limps off, cradling his arm and panting from exhaustion.

Jay stares at Todd’s half mangled body, not knowing what to say. Or rather, not wanting to ask something the voice in his head screams at him to ask.

“It is alright, Sheppard” Todd tries to assure him as he wipes drying blood from under a kinda of swollen eye, “fighting is common amongst the inner circle here. I try to keep a tight leash but-“

“What was he talking about?” Jay demands.

“Pardon?” Todd blinks, his face calm.

‘Come on Jay…you can do this…’

“When he said you were a hypocrite, what was he talking about?”

Todd’s expression or, rather, the mask he wears around which topics, crumbles for a split second but, it’s enough, “It is nothing-“

“Bullshit” Jay steps back, “It wasn’t nothing or you’d tell me what it was about.”

Todd falters again, he’s losing control, “It truly does not matter”

“Then tell me, and don’t lie because I’ll ask him.”

And that does it, Todd realizes he’s trapped. Silence permeates the earthy atmosphere

“Well?” Jay demands, unrelenting under his lovers weary, pleading stare.

“I…” Todd begins, his eyes are dull. He fiddles with his coat for a moment before whispering, ashamed “I…I cannot”

“Why?”

“Jay-“

“Why, Todd?”

The Wraith’s upper lip curls back, his fists bunch in the fabric of his coat, “I just cannot! It is not time!”

Jay barks out a laugh of disbelief, “I knew it, I knew you were hiding something about me” he shakes his head, but grief is slowly starting to overwhelm him.

“It is not like that-“

Jay is already walking backward, needing to get as far away from here as possible. As far away from Todd as possible before the Wraith charm can placate him again.

All those times…he fucking knew it.

“Save it, I’m sick of excuses, I want answers. And not from you anymore.”

~

Jay stumbles into a room of sorrow and staggers over to the bed, face planting onto it with a wail. He doesn’t know what Todd’s hiding but, he knows it’s big, knows it’s about him and, knows almost definitely that Todd has been lying this whole time.

With the last of his energy, he grabs a pillow and smashes it against his face to muffle the screams that rip from his throat. He screams until he tastes blood, then screams until that blood stains his pillow.

Shower, water.

His feet carry him towards the water, his head is hardly alive, his eyes do not work. He gulps cool liquid from the rim, gags on the metallic taste of his own blood. he doesn’t wait for it to warm but before he splashes into the icy depths to scream some more.

He doesn’t know where tears start and water begins, where oxygen leaves, and where it returns. Is he even alive?

It's all gone, all of it.

And here he is, alone. 

He doesn’t want to be alone…

~

He’s never been here alone. It’s a little eerie, just him at the glowing center. He walks the path carefully, avoiding the vines that curl and stretch over themselves, still pulsing, still full of the stuff of life.

He isn’t exactly sure why he’s come here, to the heart, but he’s here now. It’s better than being in that room, that one where Todd had told the first big lie.

He’d spent three days in there, plagued by constant nightmares and visions of the Wraith who had enslaved him. On this, the fourth day he’d forced himself to leave. He’d tried Evan first but, was met only with a “go away” and “why did you have to screw things up?”

That had hurt, but not nearly as much as he’d already been hurting. Instead, then, he’d turned to the only other entity he felt he could talk to besides Bonewhite, who was gone and asked the Hive to take him somewhere. It had brought him here.

There truly is no one here, only the Hive, and Jay can hear its faint buzzing, can sense its an acute awareness of him as well. Last time, he’d been with Todd, and the Hive had more or less ignored him in favor of its Commander. Now though, being the only other beating heart in the room, he is the center of attention.

Jay allows himself to sit, near the trunk. He places his hands flat on the ground and takes deep breaths, imagining the anger and pain being pushed out with each exhale. Under his fingertips, the Hive shifts, the heart glowing just a bit stronger than before.

Why did Todd lie? He asks it, what is he hiding? Why is he hiding it? A wave of despair hits him, and his fingers curl up around protruding roots, desperate.

“Please…” he begs, a single salty tear running down his cheek, “Help me…” He blinks back more tears “What is he waiting for? Why is he waiting? He lied and I…I don’t…I want to…I just don’t know…and I…and I…I don’t want to lose him…and” he gaps, more tears fall, “how can I…

‘How can I ever forgive him?’

He stares up at the branches, waiting…like they could give him what he seeks.

Underneath him, the Hive rolls, pushing him toward the trunk. His skin is bathed in its light.

‘You know more than you think’ the voice soothes, ‘It’s all there, you just have to ask’

“But how…?” he rises, his feet taking him towards the trunk.

‘Reach out, demand it’

His hand hovers over the warmth emanating from the trunk, it sparkles in the iridescence of this place.

It surrounds him like when Todd holds him when he kisses him…

The Wraith had come by every hour the first day, the next day only twice and yesterday…

Yesterday nothing. That had hurt worst of all.

Todd has lied, and Jay needs him anyway.

Jay loves him. That hurts most of all.

He looks up at the tree once more, begging. The words coat the air, his lips. He pleads for a vision, for a sign, for Todd to come running in to force Jay to listen.

Once again, the tree sparkles underneath his palms, the light rushes to the center in a burst.

The Hive is an extension of the Wraith, of the Commander.

“Maybe it’s too painful…” He mumbles, “Maybe he can’t look either…”

He closes his eyes, presses the pads of his fingers against the trunk, and lets the Hive touch him back.

Voices, clattering, growling, laughing swell in his head, rushing to a crescendo that almost knocks him over. An endless, unfocused chatter, a cacophony that is the Hive. It rolls over him in a tidal wave, ebbing until Jay is the only one left.

When he opens his eyes, it’s not to the trunk, but to a warzone.

~

The only thing louder than the cannon blasts are the screams. The whole of the city, each city it seems, all howling in unison as their home is razed in front of their eyes. He watches it from the sky, but he cannot ignore the horrible sounds of death, of destruction. Sedeta sounded like this, or so he’s heard.

The human systems are no match for the Hive’s that throw blast after blast down, scorching the planet in one fell swoop. Grief unlike he’s ever experienced before wracks him. his legs buckle, the pain of loss too strong to bear, and cries out over the wreckage bellow, for his husband’s home.

~

He thought he knew grief. In Kolya’s cell, there had been plenty of it. But this was despair, deep and punishing like the universe was paying him back for every misstep he’d ever taken. The others had warned him not to get too close, they told stories of watching their mortal lovers die, of them growing old, being buried in the dirt. Culled, stolen, outcast from their homes. But John Sheppard was a New Lantean, a survivor. He’d known…he’d thought he’d known that nothing could tear them apart.

Earth was huge, teeming with billions of terrified humans who ran from him, even as he stumbled through the rubble, just as dazed as they were, calling out a name. They didn’t know…who couldn’t know that he was just searching…he meant them no harm, he just needed to find John…

~

“You need to get up” his brother, Bonewhite, chided, pulling him from his nest, “We’ve been floating out here for too long if we’re going to do something. We need to start doing it before they get organized.

He rolled over, away from his brother, away from responsibility. It was no use, what could be done? An entire planet conquered, and not a small one. How was he supposed to do anything about it? He had nothing but a ship, a small crew, and a plot of land called “New York” to watch over, barely anything, no influence to speak of.

Bonewhite tugged again and earned a snarl that sent him running from the room.

~

He finally packs up John’s things. It’s been seven years, and no sign of him. They have a lead on Ronon, Lorne, and Jennifer are safe…no John. Bonewhite says it’s time, Teyla says it’s time, he forces himself to put them away.

Theres a false bottom in one of his cabinets. There he places a lockbox with the ring, the watch, the clothes he left…everything that screams his human, everything he cannot bear to see. He puts his ring around his neck, and finally dons the clothes of mourning.

He has to move on. They tell him, he has to get better, for the sake of the world.

~

Jay rips away with a yelp, his eyes wide with terror. He stumbles back and falls on his ass, cursing in pain. Was that Todd? His memories? They stick like glue to Jay’s skin, the grief, anguish, and anger all balled up inside him, like he’d experienced them himself.

Different from his own visions, what the Hive showed him was clear. The pain Todd was in…is in…and what he did with the pain…

The false bottom, full of John’s things. He leaps up, that’s where he needs to go.

Underneath him, the Hive pulses and glows bright white, nearly knocking him off his feet again.

“Thank you” he mumbles to it as he leaves, “I won’t forget this”

He runs as fast as he can, nearly slamming into a Wraith who hisses at him, but not too much. He knows the way to Todd’s rooms, and under his feet the Hive help him, guiding him along the path.

He stops dead in his tracks though, at Todd’s door. Can he really do this? Just…barge in and rummage through the Wraith’s things? Would he even get that far?

He has to try.

He knocks, long and hard. No answer. He knocks again and the door slides open, but there’s no one on the other side.

Tentatively, Jay steps into the room, shivering in the cooler temperature, “Todd?”

No answer. He takes a few more steps, “Todd?”

Again, no answer. He must be alone.

The door closes behind him, making him jump. “No going back now…”

He turns into Todd’s room, his heart beating a mile a minute, his whole body shaking like a leaf.

“You can do this, you can do this…”

‘You have to do this’

“I have to do this…”

He finds the cabinet easily, slides it open, and crouches down to where the false bottom might be. Another wave of doubt hits him. Should he give Todd an opportunity to answer first? How big of a violation of trust is this?

The answers are; Todd would have said something already and, big but so is concealing a person's past.

‘Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission’

“For once you’re actually on my side.”

With trembling hands, he feels for the give. It’s a little gap he can barely shive his pinky under but, he gets it, and lifts up a board to reveal a box…and a key sitting right there.

He almost drops it trying to get it in the lock, his mind is screaming at him to think this through, but his body won’t listen. He has a right to know.

It clicks, unlocked With a shaky breath, Jay pulls it open to reveal the contents inside.

There's a ring, matching the Commanders, along with little pieces of metal on a chain. On them, they say “John Sheppard” and Jay’s heart slows.

Wait…

He rummages through some kick kacks; a clock, a belt…some other clothing that looks the same as the stuff Todd gave him his first day here. At the very bottom, there is buried a file, one he takes, barely breathing.

There are answers here…

He opens it, skipping over faded writing he can’t read, to the picture that glares back at him, which makes his heart stop.

A man stares back, one with scraggly brown hair, and a scar that runs in three lines under his left eye, down to his neck. He can’t read any of the words but, it doesn’t matter because he knows.

For the first time ever, he knows something. The certificate of ownership crumples in his hands as thick tears well in his eyes. He’s not angry, he can’t be, not as his husband. 

‘Calm’ he tells himself, then, with a shaky breath, he forces himself to close his eyes, knowing what is waiting for him in the darkness. Finally, finally, he looks.

~

“You are offering half of your territory for one human?” John’s, he has been told his name is John, master snarls at the Wraith with wild hair and a starburst marking. They are speaking Wraith, something the human has picked up over the years…the agonizing years.

His captor tugs on John’s leash and the human stumbles forward on broken ankles to fall at his feet, right below the dias. The chill of the stone on his knees wracks through him but he forces himself still as to not offend.

The wild haired one stares at him, not with hunger, or satisfaction but, with rage. Who is this male?

“My Queen is…exceptionally interested in owing him”

“I’ll say,” his master says, a hearty laugh making way for a cruel smile, “But you’ll have to offer me more than that.”

“Excuse me?”

His master sneers “This is John Sheppard, Commander. But you knew that, and I know that.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything,” the Wraith says with thinly veiled rage. His hands are tucked behind his back but, his tense shoulders and stuff posture tell John he’s barely restraining the urge to attack.

When they lock eyes again, the human shrinks back in fear. An angry Wraith makes a dead human, as John has come to understand.

John’s master scoffs, he yanks on the leash again and John scampers up the dias against his will. Dread pools in his stomach. “Every Wraith in both galaxies know you only got away with being a two faced traitor because no one could disprove you weren’t helping them. But, I know you were” he grins, “So you will have to offer me much more for your lover back” He drags his hand from John’s cheek to his chest. The human tenses, ready for the pain to come.

“What’ll it be, Commander?” his master snarls.

“All of my territory”

“Not good enough” the teeth latch on, John whimpers involuntarily, then prays to be silent. A loud human is a dead one.

The Wraith stares at the human, deep love in his eyes. He grits his teeth, his entire body locks, “Me” He whispers.

“What? A little louder please.”

The Wraith takes a deep breath, then slowly, like it pains him, sinks to his knees and kowtows, “If you allow my Queen to have Sheppard…you may have me, body mind and soul…” his fists clench, he looks on the verge of a panic attack, “I only ask that you allow me an earth year to get my affairs in order, and to make sure my mate is safe.”

“Is that a confession, Commander?”

“No, it’s a sacrifice.”

“Very well” the claws detach, John is pushed away. He falls to the hard floor on his bad shoulder and hacks. His master ignores him in favor of the new Wraith “One year from when we sign the papers. What is my assurance that you will return?”

The Wraith catches John’s gaze once more before he clambers to his knees, “My word is not enough?”

“Not even barely.”

His eyes dart around, thinking. “I have a location…one you will want to know…one that will earn you a lot of credit…” he bites his lip, “I can encode a message, put it in your Hive, and set to go off unless I input the cancelation code in a year and a day.”

“And this location is as valuable as your life?”

“More so”

“Deal” his master grins, “An entire year to decide what I will do with you…I like that”

~

It’s strange that the fist thing to come back to John, his name is John, isn’t the deal, or his master’s cruel hands but, the look in Todd’s eyes when they’d faced each other for the first time in seven years. John didn’t remember him, he barely remembered himself but, he does now.

He remembers Todd standing, helpless, vaguely terrified, a lot sick with dread, staring at John. His eyes like big rivers of sorrow, pleading for his human to look at him back with anything other than a thousand-yard stare.

And then, that’s not all he remembers.

Torrent is the best word to describe what hits John then, or Tsunami. His memories don’t come gradually, instead they rip through his mind, slinging pieces of themselves in every direction until the human is so hopelessly lost in fragments that he can barely see.

There are bits and pieces but nothing concrete. He can see his team, their smiling faces, and warm hearts, but cannot recall their names. The impression of a home wraps around his mind but, for the life of him he cannot see it, cannot make out how he came to it from a home on Earth.

There’s the feeling of flying, of danger, joy, despair, pain and pleasure, and Todd.

He remembers being married…marrying Todd, but not how they met. He can vaguely recall feeding hands and gifts, but it splits right before the picture comes into view.

Even the last seven years, though they are clearer, are barely intact. It feels as if sand if slipping through his fingers and he can’t quite close his hand to capture it.

He must be crying, hot tears run down his cheeks, and shaking because his teeth chatter. Paper crinkles, then drops to the floor when John covers his ears as if that will stop the pricing ring of recovery. 

“Sheppard? Sheppard!” a raspy, alien voice calls, big hands close around the human’s biceps, pull him forward. He screams, kicking out with his legs at the sound and feel of Wraith.

“John!” the voice demands, shaking him slightly, “open your eyes!”

John tries to swing a fist out but the Wraith has him hard.

Its only after John has screamed, and sobbed and kicked himself into exhaustion and collapsed, the torrent finally dying down, that he even dares to crack open his lids.

Long lengths of leather greet him. His eyes follow them up to the green neck, and a white tuft and then to

“Todd” He mumbles, barely coherent, the relief of recognition shutters through and he gasps.

The Wraith’s grip eases, his bright eyes gleaming with hope. But besides those globes, the rest of him couldn’t look more different. He must have aged twenty years for all that stress is worth, and his hair is dull, his skin too. John can see that the bones of his teeth and claws look weaker…he’s thinner, even the tattoo is less bright.

Once, Todd has told him that when one loses a mate, they often waste away to nothing. Fuck, Todd is halfway to being a ghost.

“Todd,” he says again, blinking up at his husband, “fuck…you look awful.”

Todd’s eyes ignite, he gathers John against him with a deep, agonized wail. It’s a haunting sort of thing, a reverberating cry of anguish and misery. John’s tears pour tenfold, he encircles his mate and pulls him flush, hard against him, shuttering under the grief.

“John, John, John” Tod repeats over and over again, rocking them, still wailing, still shaking both with a purr, and a tremor.

John can’t do much, he has very little in him but, he holds his mate and strokes his hands up and down the male’s back, refusing at this moment to feel anything other than they joy and pain of their reunion.

Todd is here or rather, John is here, as himself. He wants to kiss his mate but, fears separating for even a moment will reveal a trick. Only Todd’s solidness keeps him from believing this is real.

“It is real, John” Todd insists, speech broken with anguish.

John shutters, his hands cling even more desperately to Todd, “fuck, fuck, say that again”

“It is-“

Then the Hive shakes, and Kenny bursts in yelling that they’re under attack.