Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Monday.

Lexa couldn’t wait for this day to be over, even though it was only 8:55am. The issue wasn’t the fact it was Monday, she hated every day of the week equally, but last night was especially devoid of sleep. The entire night had been filled with tossing, turning and trying her hardest to tune out the miserable thoughts she really didn’t want in her head.

She slouched down in the seat in her car, still not ready to start her shift as psychologically, this was when the day o officially started for her. She had been parked at the side of ‘Woods’ gas station for the past 20 minutes. The gas station was founded and maintained by her father and grandfather and had now been in their family for 40 years. Now that both men were no longer alive, the ownership was transferred to a begrudging Lexa and in a rare feat, an enthusiastic Anya.

Anya is Lexa’s older and overprotective sister. Lexa’s shy and awkward personality made her a target for bullies, or people taking advantage of her throughout her life, so Anya was there to scare the bullies away and ensure Lexa’s comfort and safety.

Being her older sister and closest friend, Anya was well aware of Lexa’s mental health issues and could sometimes mother her. Today was not one of those days. First came the squeak, then the crackling sound of the forecourt speaker before the booming announcement came through: “Could the ray of sunshine parked at the side drag her skinny ass in to the building?! I repeat, could the ray of sunshine during a blistering drought drag their skinny, lazy carcass in to the building…….NOW!”

With a groan, Lexa exited the car and slammed the door shut. She walked round the side of the gas station shop and strode past the window with her middle finger raised for Anya’s benefit.

In lieu of saying “hello” or “good morning”, Anya greeted Lexa with the following: “For fuck sake Lexa, you are the only person I know who can arrive 25 minutes early for a shift, but still manage to JUST make it on time”.

“Good morning to you too An” Lexa grunted as she brushed past Anya on her way to the staff room to hang up her coat and bag. Hearing Anya rabbit on without actually listening to a word she was saying, Lexa stared down at her black hi-top Vans, transfixed at the checkerboard pattern that adorned the sides.

“LEXA!! Have you been listening to a word I have been saying?!”, sighing Lexa replied “well I was trying not to, but some words still got in”. Snarling, Anya barked “I was saying the forecourt is dead, so I am going to deposit yesterday’s takings at the bank.”

After humming “ok”, Lexa paused, then furrowed her eyebrows “Hang on - isn’t the gas tanker coming this morning???? You want me to deal with that AND man the till??? Would you like me to shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I clean the windows too??”

Smirking, Anya retorted “you are needing to take a stick out of your ass Lexa, not stick one up it!” Lexa glared while Anya continued “You won’t be alone, you’ll have Raven with you.”

Placing her right hand on her hip and pinching her nose with her left hand, Lexa groaned “That’s even worse than being alone! She’s too much for anytime of the day, let alone first thing in the morning An! Can’t I go to the bank instead?”

“Unfortunately that isn’t an option Lex” replied Anya. “The company that delivers gas told me they will only deal with you from now on, after I had an, erm, slight disagreement with one of their drivers”.

“Uuuurgh, that was less of a disagreement and more you abusing a poor man trying to do his job” Lexa groaned. “Uh I think not! We were slammed that day and he was taking his sweet time and taking up most of the forecourt with his tanker” Anya replied.

With widened eyes and raised eyebrows, Lexa let out a laugh and exclaimed “Be that as it may, did you need to tell him to move his ‘fat hairy ass’ as he was costing you money?”. Picking up her coat and purse, Anya glanced over with a raised brow and said “I was wrong when I said that Lex, he wasn’t just costing me money, he was costing US money”. Rolling her eyes, Lexa replied “Whatever An, get to the bank and hurry back.”

“Won’t do” Anya answered as she strutted out the shop door. With the forecourt still not showing any sign of life or vehicle, Lexa made her way back to the staff room and took her book from her purse. She had just parked her ass on a chair when she heard a cheery voice shout “WHAT’S UP LEXA?! IT’s RAVEN HERE”.

“No shit” grumbled Lexa, just as Raven made her way through the staff room door. “What did you say Lex?” asked the eternally over enthusiastic Latina. “Oh, uh, I was just saying hello” stammered Lexa as she quickly lowered her head to avoid making eye contact.”

“My heap of shit car broke down when I was leaving the house this morning, so I didn’t have the time to look at it. Fortunately my saint of a friend Clarke gave me a lift. She’s in the shop just now.” At the word “she”, Lexa’s head snapped up, less out of interest and more out of surprise. When she heard the name Clarke, she had wrongly assumed it was a male Raven was talking about.

Sensing the normally reticent girl’s piqued curiosity, Raven smiled warmly at Lexa and said “Come on out and meet her”. Feeling an immediate sense of dread, Lexa’s eyes widened and she wanted to say ‘no’, but felt that would be too rude, so stuttered “Uh, umm, yeah, s-sure” instead.

Raven led the way out of the staff room with a nervous Lexa behind her. Looking at her the checkerboard design on the sides of her Vans whilst Raven chatted with her friend, Lexa was brought of out her trance at the sound of a husky voice stating “Hi, I am Clarke”.

Looking up, Lexa came face to face with a fresh faced blonde who’s genuine smile radiated through her ocean blue eyes.

“Hi, I’m Lexa.”

Chapter Text

Lexa felt a shiver run down her spine the moment she heard that self-assured, husky, voice. Almost scared to look up, she nearly dropped her head down in an instant upon taking in the blonde’s features. She looked to be the same height as Lexa, or thereabouts, with a slim, but curvy figure. She was wearing black biker boots, dark blue jeans, grey top and a black leather bomber jacket. With her left hand tucked in to her Jean pocket, Clare outstretched her right arm, looking to shake the shy girl standing before her hand.

The hand stretched before her snapped Lexa out of her thoughts, or more specifically (and to her shame), took her attention from the blonde’s ample cleavage and up into her deep blue eyes. Feeling a heat creep up the back of her neck, which she was painfully aware had no doubt spread to her cheeks, Lexa gulped as she shakily took Clarke’s hand in her own. With as much confidence as she could muster, she announced “Hi, I’m Lexa” before quickly withdrawing her hand and focusing her eyes on Clarke’s left shoulder as the eye contact was proving to be intense for her to maintain.

Momentarily startled at the brunette’s hasty withdrawal, Clarke leaned back on her heels and tucked both hands into her jean pockets. Clearing her throat, the blonde made another attempt at starting a conversation with the beautiful, but painfully shy brunette. “Erm, I met Anya” Clarke started. Lexa semi-focused on Clarke’s face, still not quite looking into her eyes and asked “Oh, did you bump into her on her way to the bank?”. The blonde let out a chuckle and explained “No, I am Raven’s roommate, so I have seen her over at our apartment few times.” Lexa immediately lowered her head in mortification of course she didn’t meet Anya on the way to the bank, Anya left before Clarke and Raven even got here!

Sensing that the brunette was embarrassed, the blonde continued in an effort to soothe Lexa’s feelings, “I actually thought they were dating when I first saw them together.” This was clearly the right thing to say as it earned a laugh from the stoic brunette who easily replied “I don’t know who I would feel sorrier for - Anya or Raven! They are way too alike, plus, Anya is straight.” Clarke smiled at the ice breaker, even though Lexa had turned her head to the side immediately after speaking. “I heard them discuss the possibility of Raven opening a garage here” Clarke said. “Yeah, it would hopefully help us pick up some business here” Lexa sighed as she looked out on to the empty forecourt.

Clarke had indeed overheard Anya and Raven discussing the idea of opening a garage to exist in conjunction with the gas station, but what caught her attention was Raven lecturing Anya on how she should be nicer like her sister. Clarke never knew anything about Anya having a sister, but it wasn’t a stretch to her imagination to believe the sister could be nicer. While Anya and Raven argued like two drunks at a bar, Clarke opened up the Facebook app on her phone and searched through her friend list until she came across Anya. Clicking on the feisty woman’s profile, Clarke looked at the sibling section to see a “Lexa Woods” and was surprised at the beautiful face in the profile picture. Anya was a very attractive woman, with cheekbones to die for and perfectly tweezed eyebrows, but there was a harshness to her features that prevented Clarke from being attracted to the woman herself. Lexa also had prominent cheekbones, but her forest green eyes and plump lips that were upturned in to a shy smile made her look more delicate than Anya. When Anya left the apartment that night, Clarke “subtlety” grilled Raven on what Lexa was like.

Grinning, Raven replied “Lexa? Someone has been Facebook creeping - we never mentioned what her name was Clarkey!” Huffing, Clarke raised her eyebrows, hinting at Raven to continue. Her roommate took mercy on her and added “Lexa is really cool. She is pretty much the opposite of Anya - shy, quiet, sweet……but once you get to know her she’s actually really funny and cool…….she’s also pretty hot too”. Clarke felt her face redden at this and said “yeah, she is really pretty, erm, do you know if she is seeing anyone……..is she straight, bi, gay…..”. Cackling, Raven interjected “She is definitely single and definitely gay, though I get the sense she much prefers books to people”. Clarke slowly nodded, taking this information in. Raven took pity on her friend and roommate and asked “Would you like me to introduce you to her the next time I have a shift”. Clarke lost her battle to play it cool and enthusiastically nodded her head yes.

Raven came up with the idea to pretend her car had broken down, but Anya going to the bank that day was a stroke of sheer luck. Clarke had wanted to give her number to Lexa, but given the slow success of her interaction with the shy girl thus far, she decided she would send the girl a friend request later that day, she would just need to resist the temptation to send it as soon as she left the gas station.

Not wanting to overwhelm the girl, she announced “It was really lovely meeting you Lexa, hopefully I’ll see you again soon” with a sincere smile on her face. She had hoped to see her again hours later when she picked up Raven at the end of her shift, but was greeted with Anya’s grumpy face instead. How was it possible these two women were related?

Once she made it home and scrolled through the brunette’s photos for the millionth time that day, her thumb hovered over the button before she plucked up the courage and eventually clicked the “Add Friend” button. She sat back, feeling her heart pumping in her chest for what seemed like an eternity until the sound of an incoming notification jolted her to her senses.

Lexa Woods accepted your friend request.

Chapter Text

Anya lounged on the couch facing the tv, whilst Lexa sat upright in the opposite couch, nose in a book as usual. Feeling herself drifting off to sleep, she was brought back to her senses when she heard a notification alert come from Lexa’s phone. Looking up and seeing her sister’s surprised eyes peak over her book, it appeared she hadn’t been the only one startled by the noise. Lexa’s face flushed as she placed a bookmark inside her book and placed the item down at her side. “Sorry” she muttered, seemingly embarrassed as she lifted her phone to check what had made the offending noise.

Anya stretched as she yawned out “why are you apologising, silly?”. Lexa looked up and stuttered “I….I d-didn’t mean to disturb your nap.” Anya sighed “Lexa, you don’t need to apologise for your phone making a noise, besides, I was being a lazy bitch anyways.” Lexa had what looked like a cross between a smile and grimace on her face as she rubbed the back of her left ear. Anya could hear her sister muttering “hmmmm” to herself, as her foot started tapping the floor. Fearing her sister was starting to get worked up, she tentatively asked “Is everyone okay Lex?”. Lexa’s head snapped up as she announced “Clarke Griffin sent me a friend request on Facebook.” Anya’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she asked “Clarke Griffin? As in Raven’s roommate?” Lexa nodded affirmatively, as Anya continued her query “Why has that dumb ass sent you a friend request?” This caused Lexa’s cheeks to redden as she supplied “Oh, I met her in work earlier today - she drove Raven to work because her car broke down.”

Anya raised an eyebrow as she reached for her own phone.

Anya [20:12]: Did you know that clown Clarke sent my sister a friend request on Facebook???

Raven [20:13]: No, but I’m not surprised 😜.

Anya [20:13]: What do you mean by that???

Raven [20:14]: Wow! I barely finished sending that text when you replied 🤣

Anya [20:14]: Answer the damn question!

Raven [20:15] Jeezo! Sit ya ass down and take a chill pill. Clarkey has a crush on Lexa and they seemed to hit it off earlier. Lexa even spoke in sentences, not just words ❤️

Anya [20:15]: The only thing that will be hitting it off is my fist off Clarke’s face if she tries it on with my sister!

Raven [20:18]: Lexa is a grown ass woman Anya. You are her sister, not her mother! I know you’re not fond of Clarke, but she’s one of my best friends and I can assure you she would never intentionally hurt Lexa.

Anya threw her phone to the end of the couch as she gritted her teeth. Taking a few breaths to calm herself down, she asked Lexa in an even tone “So, what did you think of Clarke?”. Lexa, unsure of why Anya looked constipated while she was grinding her teeth, tentatively answered “I thought she seemed nice……I liked her”. Recognising the blush on Lexa’s face meant she liked the blonde as more than a friend, Anya tried not to blow up and found herself making a huge smile. Lexa gulped before asking “Anya, why do you look like you are impersonating the cover of Jaws? Are you having a stroke???” Instead of answering, Anya kept staring ahead, thinking of the time she first met Clarke.

She had been at a small gathering in Clarke and Raven’s apartment. The other guests were Octavia and her boyfriend Lincoln, who happened to be Anya and Lexa’s cousin. The hot topic of conversation was the crush Octavia’s brother Bellamy had on Anya. The crush wasn’t exactly reciprocated, but rather than make Octavia feel awkward by saying anything outright mean about her older brother, Anya instead Joked “Oh, I don’t know if he would be able to tame this dragon.” Without missing a beat, that shit head Clarke retorted “I hope that’s not a nickname for your lady parts…….or is it because you’re a dragon lady”. On top of this rudeness, she even had the nerve to look at Anya with a shit eating grin.

Seeing Anya’s fists curl in to a ball, Raven quickly asked Anya to help her with a nonexistent problem in the kitchen. Anya refused to speak to Clarke for the rest of the night. She couldn’t even look at the imbecile without wanting to punch her in her stupid smug face. “Anya, An…..”, Lexa started to get panicked until her older sister shook her head and shook off whatever weird trance she was in. “I’m fine Lexa” Anya replied as she loudly cracked her knuckles, “Clarke might not be though” Anya continued with that frightening grin enveloping face again.

Taking her sister literally, Lexa asked “Why wouldn’t she be fine? Is she ill? Has something happened to her?”. Anya narrowed her eyes and almost snarled “unless you count stupidity as an illness, then no, she’s not ill. Something has happened to her yet, but it might when I next see her.” Realising Anya had gone in to overprotective sister mode, rather than being possessed by some sort of evil spirt, Lexa attempted to calm her incensed sister down by reminded her “Anya, it’s just a friend request……we’ve only met once…..maybe she just wants to be FRIENDS?”

Before there Anya could give an answer, a knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Lexa looked momentarily startled until Anya grunted “Shit! I forgot Aunt Indra and Lincoln were coming over tonight to discuss business!” This made Lexa sigh internally, as she started to rub the back of her left ear. Indra had worked in accounts most her life band seeing the Woods sisters work themselves to the bone for little profit had got her thinking about ways she could help them. She could look after the books and make sure everything was up to scratch and that the girls weren’t being taken advantage of. Lincoln had a degree in business management and already had ideas for how to organise things better and ways they could drum up more business.

For the first time in her life, Indra had a lot of spare money due to the large life insurance payout she had received after her husband Gus passed away. She would trade the money for her husband to be alive without a moments hesitation but unfortunately, that simply wasn’t an option. By investing the money into the gas station, she would be helping her nieces, setting up her son’s first business enterprise and give her the fresh start she so desperately needed. Anya’s smart ass remarks were more appealing to her than having to deal with former colleagues asking how she is doing since her husband died. She knew Anya thrived on pressure, but she was also aware that Lexa was on the verge of burnout.

Indra was concerned at how much more withdrawn than usual Lexa had become. She constantly seemed to have a headache and was becoming increasingly more sensitive to sounds and lighting.

Lexa knew Indra and Lincoln coming on board would provide much needed cash and take a lot of weight off her shoulders, but the thought of things changing so much overwhelmed her. Whilst she didn’t love her job, she was used to the dynamic between her and Anya. They had had a number of part-time workers over the past few years (Raven included), but this would be a complete overhaul in how things would be run, not to mention the daily routine she had become accustomed to.

Lincoln entered the house with a warm smile on his face. Feeling the tension in the room, he joked “Okay, what’s got Anya pissed off this time?” Anya glared him and growled “I’ll tell you what’s got me pissed off! That classless bag of trash Clarke Griffin is putting the moves on Lexa!” Lincoln raised his eyebrows, so Lexa filled him in “we met earlier today and she has sent me a friend request. Anya is making something out of nothing as usual.”

“Grrrr even if she is only adding you as a friend, you could do without having asswipes like her in your life!” Anya roared. This caused Lincoln to cackle as the cogs in his brain started turning “is this because of the dragon lady comment? You need to let that go An”. Lexa furrowed her eyebrows and asked “Dragon lady comment? What have I missed?” Lincoln didn’t get a chance to fill his younger cousin in, as Anya roared “NOTHING! Now let’s talk business aunt Indra.”

A bemused Indra simply nodded her head. She had her own opinion on Anya dictating who should and shouldn’t be involved in Lexa’s life, but that conversation would need to take place later and with Lexa out of ear shot.

The hours passed peacefully, with all sorts of ideas being thrown on the table: Raven opening a garage next to the gas station - a way to attract business for both Raven and Woods Gas Station. Lincoln suggested adding a car wash to the fore court and running a customer loyalty scheme to ensure they were drawing customers in, but more importantly were getting them to come back. The Gas Station needed new signage and though Lexa hated inflating the price of goods in the shop, it was a necessity due to the small profit they made on gas.

Lexa had shown less distress at the suggestions that Indra had anticipated. Instead of rubbing her left ear and tapping her feet off the ground, the sensitive girl had been preoccupied with her phone instead. The smile and flushed cheeks on her niece’s face warmed Indra’s heart. She would definitely need to have a chat with Anya about her overprotectiveness. She had met Clarke Griffin on a few occasions and found her to be a charming and intelligent woman. She strongly suspected Clarke would stand up to Anya, something that would irritate her niece greatly.

Before she retired for the evening, she asked to speak with Anya alone. They headed in to the small kitchen and sat on the old wooden chairs at the rickety table Anya and Lexa used as a dining table. Indra wet her lips as she looked Anya directly in the eye and in a serious tone said “Anya, you are an incredible young woman and I am so proud of you. I know your mum and dad would be extremely proud of you. You have kept the family business alive, but more importantly, you have kept Lexa alive. I know she needs extra care, but you need to ease off and let her make friends. We have always hoped she would be able to make friends and now it seems like our wish might come true.”

Anya sat back and clenched her jaw “I know you think I am being overprotective, but loud, obnoxious people like Clarke aren’t the sort of people Lexa needs in her life.” Indra chortled “Anya! Are you hearing yourself? YOU are load and obnoxious and she has managed to deal with you all her life.” Anya folded her arms and looked up at the ceiling, in an attempt to calm herself down and not lash out at her aunt. Once she felt able to speak in an even tone, she muttered “Clarke Griffin isn’t good enough for Lexa”.

Indra leaned back in her chair and sighed “Anya, nobody will ever be good enough for Lexa, but you have to let her make her own choices and her own mistakes, just make sure you are there for her. I happen to think Clarke would be great for Lexa.” Anya, who had been looking down at one of the many scratches on the table, looked up incredulously. “Clarke is a graphic designer and a kind soul. Lexa could do a lot worse!” Indra explained. Anya looked up the ceiling again and asked in a defeated voice “do we need to continue this conversation aunt Indra?”

“Yes” Indra stated more sternly than she had intended. I have been thinking that when she is ready, Lexa should meet Clarke at her apartment. We know Lexa doesn’t like big crowds, but if Raven and possibly Lincoln were there, she would be with people she knows and you could also be there to supervise.” The last word brought Anya back to her senses. The freakish grin and knuckle cracking from earlier were resumed as she said “Supervise? Hmmm that actually sounds like a good idea! Yes, I would be more than happy to supervise.”

Indra nodded impassively while thinking to herself ‘Dear God, what have I done?’

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

The days that ensued after Indra’s visit flew by for Lexa. Since becoming friends with Clarke, they had messaged one another non-stop. It had started with them discussing their favourite movies, music, food, books and places, but quickly advanced to more personal topics, such as the death of Clarke’s dad when she was in her early 20s, how her relationship with her mother faltered after her father’s death, but how they worked through it and were now closer than ever.

Clarke revealed her passion for art and how it was her dream to be an artist, so becoming a graphic designer was the closest she felt she could get to that whilst making a steady income. In turn, Lexa confided that her father died not long after she graduated from the University of Polis and her mother died a few years after that. Lexa had loved her parents and never questioned their love for her, but she had great difficulty relating to them. Her mother and father were both outgoing, but Lexa was shy and introverted.

She had always been really close to Anya, probably because her sister was brutally honest and didn’t pussyfoot around her the way her parents did. Lexa struggled to make and maintain friends and was bullied throughout her school years. She never felt like she fit in or understood why she was so sensitive - sensitive to touch, sensitive to the noisy school playground. She excelled in her studies, but was always made feel stupid by her peers as she struggled with sarcasm and was usually the last person to understand a joke.

Autism presents differently in females than it does in men and is made even more difficult to detect as women are experts in camouflaging their symptoms so that they fit in. For this reason, Lexa wasn’t diagnosed as being on the spectrum until she was 27. On the one hand, it helped her make sense of why she behaves the way she does and come to an understanding that her behaviour is the norm for neurodivergents and didn’t mean she was a freak. On the other hand, she felt like a diagnosis would have been more beneficial years earlier.

Lexa freely opened up about the bullying and not having friends, but she held back from revealing she was autistic. Clarke seemed like a caring and understanding person, but not everyone fully understood autism and she didn’t want Clarke to feel sorry for her, or even worse, misunderstand what the condition actually is.

Anya persuaded Raven into hosting a get together at her and Clarke’s apartment on Friday, which Lexa hesitantly agreed to go to. Lexa hated gatherings, but she felt comfortable with Anya and Raven and really wanted to get to know Clarke better. If she was being honest with herself, she especially couldn’t wait to see the blonde again.

When Friday evening arrived, Lexa was panic stricken trying to decide what to wear. She wanted to look nice, but didn’t want to be too overdressed or feel too uncomfortable. She finally settled on a black and white plaid pinafore with a long-sleeved black top underneath. She completed the look with dark black tights and black chelsea boots. She kept her make-up relatively simple as well - foundation, mascara and lip gloss. Even though she couldn’t fathom the possibility that Clarke would find someone like her attractive, she knew feeling better about how she looked would help with her nerves when she was around the pretty blonde.

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Clarke’s nerves were getting the better of her as she debated what to wear with Raven. “I thought you guys were strictly friends?” the Latina sassed. “We are…..I just don’t wanna look frumpy or trashy….I never seem to find the line in between those two looks” the blonde sighed dejectedly. Raven walked up to Clarke and placed both of her hands on her friends shoulder, forcing Clarke to raise her head and look Raven in the eye as she said “Clarke, you do not dress frumpily or trashy! Just relax and be yourself, it’s just a friendly gathering.”

“Ha!” Clarke snorted “Friendly? With Anya?? You’ve gotta be kidding? Right?!” This earned a chuckle from Raven who released her hands from Clarke’s shoulders and said “Fair point Griff, but I’ve made her promise to be on her best behaviour”. Clarke raised her brow as she snarked “And you believed her?? Never took you for a sucker Reyes”. This made Raven roll her eyes, “yeah yeah Clarke, just hurry up and get ready, the Woods sisters will be here any minute and you don’t want any to end up having to greet them in your birthday suit, do you?” Clarke threw one of the tops she had discarded on the ‘definitely not gonna wear pile’ at Raven and yelled “fuck off Raven!” as her roommate cackled out of the bedroom door.

By the time Lexa and Anya were due to arrive at the apartment, Clarke had decided to wear ripped black skinny jeans, a grey acid wash AC/DC t-shirt and grey and black slip on Vans. She paced up and down the living room and was startled out of her thoughts when she heard a banging on the door. She presumed Anya was the one knocking and had her suspicions confirmed when she opened the door to seen Anya’s arm and fists raised. At least she hoped that was the reason why the temperamental woman had a clenched fist.

Clarke’s attention was quickly drawn from Anya’s snarling face to Lexa’s shy smile. She looked so beautiful in her dress, with her hair hanging over her shoulders in loose curls. “Are you gonna stand there with your mouth gaping like you’re trying to catch flies, or are you going to let us in Griffin?” Anya barked. Clarke moved to the side and ushered her guests to come in. Even though Clarke had moved to the side, Anya still banged her shoulder off of Clarke’s as she marched through the door frame. Lexa rolled her eyes as her cheeks reddened and quietly said “I am really sorry about that Clarke, that was really rude.” Clarke offered a reassuring smile and said “It isn’t you who owes me an apology and in truth, this is one of the nicer greetings I’ve had from her. Come on in.” Lexa smiled, then awkwardly made her way inside the apartment.

“Can I take your coat?” Clarke asked as she eyed the black leather jacket Lexa was wearing over her pinafore. “Oh, erm, sure. I mean yes. Yes please. Thanks” Lexa replied before hanging lowering her head, embarrassed by her jumbled words. “It’s no problem at all” Clarke said as she made her way towards the brunette to take the jacket from her and Lexa could hear the smile in her voice. With her eyes still on the ground, Clarke’s feet came in to Lexa’s line of vision, prompting her to excitedly remark “Oh, I love your Vans!”. Clarke felt oddly proud at Lexa’s statement, perhaps feeling some sort of validation in the outfit she had selected. “Oh, thank you. I really like your dress” Clarke replied, causing Lexa to look up, exposing flushed cheeks and another shy smile that Clarke found to be absolutely adorable.

Clarke hung up Lexa’s coat and led her into the living room where Anya greeted her with a scowl. Raven appeared from the kitchen with a warm smile on her face “Hey Lexa! It’s so good to see you outside of work!” Lexa smiled in return and said “it’s nice to see you too Raven.” Raven sat on the sofa next to Anya, causing the blonde to snarl at her. “I was thinking Lexa could sit next to me” Anya growled. “Oh, is my company not good enough for you? You sure know how to make a person feel unwelcome in their own home An.” Raven replied jokingly, quickly trying to diffuse the awkward situation.

As Clarke and Lexa made their way to the sofa opposite Anya and Raven, Clarke couldn’t resist smirking at Anya. She hadn’t wanted to stoop to her level, but was getting increasingly pissed off at Anya’s interference in hers and Lexa’s blossoming friendship. This caused Anya’s face to contort in rage, which Lexa noticed as she sat on the sofa. “Are you okay An? You don’t look well.” Lexa asked in a concerned voice. “I’m just fine” Anya answered through gritted teeth. “Your face is looking a bit flushed Anya” Clarke gently stated with faux concern. “Would you like to go back home?” Lexa asked with genuine concern as she started to rise up off the sofa”.

This caused Anya to flash a cheeky grin at Clarke as she sighed “I mean, if you think it’s for the best…..” but was cut off by a slap to the arm from Raven “don’t be so ridiculous” she admonished. “You said you have been looking forward to tonight for days” Raven continued. Anya snapped her head towards Raven who gave her a stern gaze, silently reminding her friend of the serious conversation they had about allowing Lexa to spread her social wings. “Yeah…..that’s right” Anya said unconvincly, but it was enough for Lexa to sit back and smile at Clarke, who had been momentarily panicked at the thought of Lexa leaving so soon.

“Well now that that is sorted, let’s order some pizza!” Raven enthusiastically announced! “What would everyone like?” she said as she rubbed her hands. “Spicy chicken for me” Anya grumbled, followed by Clarke’s request for vegetable and finally Lexa who politely asked for a plain cheese pizza. “Okay, I’ll go through to the kitchen and order them, want to join me Anya?” The blonde snorted and growled “No! I just seen you order them on the app!”. Raven groaned, then with a painted smile on her face asked “well could you help me get things prepared in the kitchen?”. Anya raised her eyebrow and snapped “what the hell do you need to prepare? We are getting pizza!”.

“Drinks! We need drinks! Come help me with that” Raven smiled, pleased with herself. “uuurgh okay, okay” Anya grumbled, realising her friend wouldn’t give up. Clarke smiled her thanks at Raven, then turned her attention to Lexa “so, how have you been?” she asked. “I have been very well thanks” Lexa answered politely, completely neglecting to speak of the inner turmoil she had felt bubbling inside the past few days. “How have you been Clarke?” she asked shyly. “Oh I’m all the better for seeing you, ha! Oh my god! That was so cheesy….I’m so sorry”. ‘Dammit!’ Clarke mentally scalded herself, ‘why am I acting like such a dumbass?’.

She was drawn out of her thoughts when she heard Lexa chuckle and offer her a heartwarming smile, or maybe it was just an ordinary smile, but it was certainly warming Clarke’s heart. Dear God! Even in her own head she was rambling! “Umm, I was really nervous about coming over here” Lexa stated as she pulled on the hem of her dress, “but I’m glad I came, it’s erm, really….nice. Nice to see you. Again”. Lexa quickly looked towards the opposite side of the room, tying her hardest to avoid making eye contact with the blonde.

Her heart felt like it was beating through her chest and her right leg started shaking. Clarke put a hand on her left thigh and softly asked “Lexa, are you okay?”. The sudden touch caused Lexa to nearly jump out of her skin. “Yeah, I’m just…..it’s just…..I’m just a weirdo sorry” Lexa rambled. She shut her eyes right, trying her hardest not cry and make a bigger fool of herself than she already had. Why did she have to be like this? Why was she so worked up at merely having a conversation and then nearly hyper-ventilating at Clarke’s touch. She was grown woman, but still couldn’t control her emotions or the impending breakdown from happening.

“Lexa…..Lexa…..” Lexa opened her eyes to see Clarke crouched on the floor before her. It was then she realised she had her left hand clenched in the hair at the back of her head and her legs were rapidly shaking.“Lexa honey, I want you to take slow deep breaths for me, okay?” Lexa nodded and started inhaling and exhaling with Clarke. She still felt in a daze, so lost track of how long they had been inhaling and exhaling for. “Do you have a blanket?” Lexa almost whispered with an embarrassed look on her face. “Yeah, I’ll go get one from my room, or would you like to go to my room to lay down for a minute?”

Lexa weighed her options: go to Clarke’s room and make an even bigger fool of herself than she already had, or run the risk of Raven seeing her in this state too and Anya overreacting and no doubt blaming it on Clarke. The decision was quickly made, “erm, is it okay if I go through to your room please?” she asked, even though Clarke had asked HER if she had wanted to. “Of course!” came Clarke’s immediate reply as she outstretched her hands, interlocking her fingers with Lexa’s as she helped her to her feet.

Still holding Lexa’s right hand, which the brunette was unconsciously squeezing tightly, Clarke led the overwhelmed girl to her bedroom. The first thought Lexa had when she entered the room was that Clarke had a lot of things. The room wasn’t at all messy, but there was a computer desk, art supplies strewn across the top of a chest of drawers and an Easel with a blank canvas on it. There was a small bench stool placed against the bottom of the Easel legs and aside from a 3 door wardrobe, the rest of the room was adorned with bookcases that had pretty paintings hung above them.

Lexa stood rigidly at the door frame which prompted Clarke to softly instruct “erm, please make yourself comfortable and I will fetch you a blanket”. Lexa sat on the double sized bed and started inhaling and exhaling long breaths like she had done in the living room a few minutes ago in. The blonde strode towards her with a thick white fleece blanket which Lexa timidly took from her hands and quietly asked “do you mind if I lay down?”

“Of course not!” the blonde replied and then asked “erm, do you want me to stay here with you, or would you rather I gave you some space?” Lexa answered “stay” quicker and more firmly than she had intended. The blonde immediately offered a small smile and cautiously asked “Is it okay to sit beside you, or would you rather I sat at my desk?”. It didn’t take Lexa long to softly answer “Erm, could you sit next to me please?”, Clarke smiled and nodded her answer. Though the blanket wrapped tightly round her was calming her down, Lexa was still deeply embarrassed by the situation she was currently in. “I’m really sorry about this Clarke. You must think I’m a freak.”

“I absolutely do no think you are a freak Lexa! I take panic attacks too, so if you are a freak, then I guess that makes me one too. She cooed, as Lexa smiled.

Anya and Raven come through to living room, drinks in hand and immediately noticed the other girl’s absence. “What the fuck?!?!” Anya growled. “I’m gonna kill that fucking bitch” she roared as she hastily placed the drinks on the table. “Anya!” Raven whined, “you can clearly see the coasters on the table, why didn’t you use them?”. Anya made her way to Clarke’s room and shouted “fuck the stupid fucking coasters!!” as she barged through Clarke’s room door, but stopped in her tracks when she saw the scene before her eyes.

Raven was surprised at the complete change in Anya’s demeanour. “Err, what’s happened Lexa?” Anya asked. “I had a….errr….you know.” Lexa scrambled. “I understand Anya answered quickly, feeling guilt form in the pit of her stomach. She had been so consumed by rage at Clarke contacting Lexa and the growing fear that it would set Lexa back, that she hadn’t realised how anxious Lexa would be about making a new friend, and that she had probably added to Lexa’s anxiety. “Raven and I will go back through to the living room. We will let you know when the pizza arrives.” Anya said gently, much to the surprise of Clarke and Raven.

Clarke and Lexa returned to the living room when the pizza arrived and the rest of the night went by relatively smoothly. Anya stopped making snide remarks at Clarke and the four women actually had a nice evening together. When it came time to leave, Anya asked to speak to Clarke in private. ‘Here we go’ Clarke thought to herself, so was stunned when Anya thanked her for helping Lexa earlier in the evening. “It’s no problem at all, honestly Anya”. The taller blonde nodded and made her way out of the apartment. Lexa looked at her foot and bit her lip, trying to pluck up the courage to speak to Clarke one on one again. The blonde closed the distance between the two of them, without getting too close to the brunette and asked “Lexa, it was really nice seeing you again and I, erm, well….I was wondering if you wanted to hang out some time…..just me and you.” Clarke bit her lip in frustration at how flustered the brunette made her feel.

Lexa tilted her head to the side and with a smile answered “yes Clarke, I would really like that”. Clarke couldn’t contain the goofy smile that formed on her face and excitedly said “awesome! I’ll message you and we can arrange something!”

After saying their goodbyes, both women felt nervous energy thrum through their bodies, each wondering how quickly they could message the other without seeming too eager. In the end, by the time Lexa got home, she had received a message from Clarke asking to let her know she made it home okay. She smiled to herself, feeling glad she had pushed herself to go out and was actually looking forward to do doing it again.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

The get together at Clarke and Raven’s apartment had left Lexa with mixed emotions. She felt shame at having a meltdown, especially so early in the evening. She had been surprised, although pleasantly so, by Clarke’s quick thinking and actions. What surprised her more was to hear Anya acknowledge this and give her thanks to the blonde. She was happy that the blonde’s opinion of her hadn’t lessened, in fact, it gave them something to bond over as Clarke suffered from panic attacks too. She was excited at the thought of seeing Clarke again, but fear coursed through her veins too.

She was scared her weirdness would be too much for the blonde to overcome. If they were going to be friends, Lexa would need to tell Clarke about her autism. How else would Clarke understand Lexa’s behaviour, or how to help when she was having a meltdown? Telling her about being autistic also meant she was surely shutting down any shot she had, no matter how minuscule, of having a romantic relationship with her.

She had only ever had one relationship and it was filled with ups and downs, the instability having a huge impact on Lexa’s mental well-being.

From as far back as she could remember, Lexa had been different from everyone. She wasn’t as outgoing as her parents, nor was she as loud, or forthright as Anya. She never fit in with any group at school or made any friends that stuck around, as being around her was social suicide.

Kids would act friendly around her whenever Anya was around, then act like they didn’t know her, or tease her if Anya wasn’t there. Her sister had tried introducing Lexa to her own friend group, but she felt awkward and uncomfortable around the group of girls. By that stage, she had already developed the routine of walking around the school yard in laps anyways, something that was more helpful for her in making break time go by quicker.

At that age, she just appeared to be a weird loner, even to Anya. She would put on a brave face up until the school bell rang and once she was home in the comfort of her own room, she would break her heart and sob as quietly as she could. Why did she have to be different from everyone else? Why did she have to be picked on for being different? She didn’t fit in with anyone, or enjoy their company, but she felt terribly lonely, a juxtaposition that added to her confusion.

Her teenage years were even worse. Lexa noticed she wasn’t attracted to boys long before she realised she was attracted to girls. All the other girls her age (and Anya) were boy crazy! The boy who was ‘hot as hell’ one week, was replaced by another equally spotty boy the next.

She still had horrible flashbacks to the Friday nights spent in her bedroom with her headphones on, trying to block out the noise of Anya and her friends squealing from the room next door. One night in particular, she slowly opened her room door as quietly as she could, lest she alert the girls to her presence, which would lead to them screaming out “SEXY LEXI!!!!!!!!” and asking her to join them. She looked to the right where Anya’s bedroom was and could see that the door was closed. The girls were squawking like hens as usual, so there was no danger of them hearing her creep across the hall to the bathroom.

As she brushed her teeth, she could hear Anya’s frenemy Ontari shhing everyone. ‘Oh God!’ Lexa thought as her heart sank. ‘Please don’t let her hear me, please don’t let her hear.’ She begged to the God she wasn’t entirely sure she believed in. If he did exist, he must have been listening, as Ontari’s smarmy voice continued, “As you guys know, things have been heating up between me and Murphy……..”.

“Go onnnnn” prompted Anya, with an impatient voice. Lexa heard Ontari grunt and could visualise the irritated roll of the eye Ontari was famous for. The brunette started speaking again, this time in a hushed tone “well, last night…..I gave him a blow job!”

This information was met with more squeals from the girls, while one girl said “Oh My God! You dirty skank!” in what sounded like a congratulatory tone. This confused Lexa, if she had a friend, she wouldn’t call them a dirty skank, nor would she admire them for being one.

“He kept begging to fuck me, but I didn’t wanna just put out like that, ya know” Ontari continued, sounding smug, “But I thought he deserved a reward, so I let him cum in my mouth!”

Ironically, this was when Lexa started gagging on her tooth brush. Feeling panicked, she tried to make as little noise as possible, but started choking and was forced to run the tap and get some water.

She gasped and jumped backwards when she heard Anya’s bedroom door abruptly open. Lexa’s eyes widened as Ontari strutted towards her with a cruel smirk on her face.

“Oh Lexa, Lexa, Lexa, looks and sounds like you are practicing blow jobs too”. Lexa looked down at the toothbrush in her right hand and quickly put it back in its holder. “No I-mmm n-not” she stammered. “I don’t want to do that, it’s gross.” The words had escaped her lips before she could think through a better response.

Ontari raised her eyebrows and snarled as she walked up to Lexa, completely invading her space. Lexa could feel her heart pumping through her chest and wondered if the snarling girl standing before her could hear it too, as a discomforting smile had spread across her face.

“Do you think I am disgusting Lexa?” She snarled. Lexa gulped and quickly replied “No, that’s….that’s…that’s not what I meant”. Her eyes darted to the side, avoiding the angry look in Ontari’s eyes wnd silently prayed the girl would leave her alone.

For the second time that evening, her prayer had been heard, as Anya hurriedly approached the bathroom. “Hey, Ontari, leave her alone” the blonde said as she placed her hand on the brunette’s shoulder. “Uh, I know she’s your sister Anya, but I’m not letting that little bitch speak to me like that!” Ontari said as she flicked her hair.

“Excuse me?!?!” Anya yelled. “You either apologise to my sister, or you get the fuck out of this house!” Ontari raised her eyebrows in shock, clearly taken aback that someone had dared to speak to her like that. “I am NOT apologising to that little freak! She probably wouldn’t even know what a dick was if it slapped her in the face. Fucking weirdo!”

In the blink of an eye, Lexa saw Anya’s fist bounce off the side of Ontari’s face. “Get the fuck out of here NOW!” Anya screamed. It took a few seconds for Ontari to get her bearings before her hard face returned and she growled “Fuck you, you crazy fucking bitch! I don’t wanna be around you or your retarded sister anyways.”

Lexa immediately sprang in to action and held Anya back while repeatedly saying “She’s not worth it Anya”, as Anya tried wriggling from Lexa’s grip. This gave Ontari the opportunity to sprint out of the house without further reprisal from the angry blonde.

Anya spun round and Lexa quickly put her head down. “Lexa, please look at me” Anya pleaded with her younger sister. Lexa slowly raised her head, jaw twitching as she looked in to her sister’s eyes.

“I need you to know, that none of the things that bitch said about you are true”. Lexa looked to the side and muttered “but everyone else thinks that about me” as a tear streamed down her cheek. “Lexa, I can assure you nobody thinks that about you! You are the purest soul in this world, so don’t believe a word that dumbass, or anyone other dumbass says, okay?”

Lexa nodded her and was suddenly enveloped by Anya gripping her in to a tight hug. At first she felt overwhelmed, but then she started to feel comforted by her sister’s warm embrace.

The next day, Lexa timidly knocked on Anya’s bedroom door, desperate to get her feelings off her chest, but terrified at the thought of doing so at the same time. Anya opened the door and eyed her sister wearily, “Everything okay Lex?”. Lexa turned to the right and stared at the ground, wondering whether she should back off, or open up to her sister.

She cleared her throat and in as strong a voice she could manage asked “Can I talk to you about something? Please?”. Her sister nodded yes and led her sister in to her bedroom. Lexa looked around and eventually sat on the edge of the bottom on Anya’s bed. After a long moment of silence, Lexa started gently rocking back and forth as she tried building up the courage to speak to her sister. Recognising her sister was close to opening up, or running away, Anya tried to ensure the former would happen and asked “What did you wanna talk about? Is it about what that bitch Ontari said last night?”

“No!” Lexa said suddenly, then furrowed her brows and added “sort of…” She cleared her throat as she tried to think of exactly what it was she wanted to say. “Anya….I think there is something wrong with me”

Anya looked at her sister, who had stopped rocking and was now sitting in a hunched position. “Why you think that Lexa? What do you mean?” Lexa looked up at her sister with an embarrassed expression and said “I don’t like boys the way you and your friends do, or the way the other girls at school do.”

Anya slowly nodded and gently inquired “do you like girls instead?” Lexa bolted upright and snapped “What?! No!! Why would you think that??” Alarmed at the change in Lexa’s composure, Anya tried to diffuse the situation by saying “I just thought that was maybe what you were getting at. I didn’t say it to offend you. If you did like girls, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with that, it’s as natural as liking boys. I wish I liked girls to be honest, boys are such shit heads.”

Lexa processed this information then half asked, half stated “Well, if it is natural, why did Mr.Pike tell Nathan Miller he was going to hell for liking boys?” Anya grunted as she remembered the incident in question. Steadying herself, she told Lexa “What Mr.Pike said was disgusting! Miller’s parents have made a complaint and the school has suspended him while they investigate the incident. Anyways, I thought you didn’t believe in God, or Heaven and Hell?”

“I didn’t….I don’t…” Lexa replied sounding confused. “It confuses me” she continued “On the one hand, I simply don’t believe in it, but on the other hand, I don’t like boys the way others do. I don’t want to have sex. We have been raised Catholic, so maybe…..maybe I am supposed to be a nun?”

Anya held back the laughter that was fighting to escape her and said “I guess I kind of see the logic in what you say, but there is a pretty big leap in not being horny and being a nun. You are too young to be having sex anyways Lexa, I haven’t had sex either, I still don’t feel ready to have it.”

“I know I am too young Anya, but it’s all the girls in my year ever talk about” Lexa stated. “That’s because their hormones are out of control. Just because they talk about it, doesn’t mean they are actually doing it” Anya said in a serious tone. The blonde was feeling quite proud of herself, she was handling this sort of birds and bees talk she was having with her younger sister way better than she ever could have imagined she would.

As the years went by, Lexa, much to her frustration, would discover that she did like girls. It took her a long time to accept she was gay. She never considered herself to be homophobic and in spite of what she had been taught at mass, couldn’t understand why two people in a loving, consensual relationship were classed as sinful, same-sex relationship or not.

Yet she held herself to a different standard. Her sexuality made her feel wrong, like even more of an outsider and freak than she already was. When she got to University, she was shocked at how liberal life was on campus. People were openly gay, wore whatever they want without fear of judgement, revelled in their nerdiness, sportiness and ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol.

Though she didn’t exactly make friends, she did get on with people and her self-hatred regarding her sexuality slowly started to fade away. She didn’t actively pursue friends, but one girl heavily pursed her, Costia Winters.

Lexa felt an instant attraction to the tall, dark-haired girl, but hadn’t realised the feelings were reciprocated. Costia would seek her out and sit beside her in any classes they had together, or at Lexa’s usual haunt - the library. One day at the end of their Social Psychology class, Costia asked Lexa if she would like to join her in a study session. “Sure” Lexa said with a shy smile, “I was heading towards the library anyways”. Costia stopped in her tracks and said “Erm, I was thinking we could maybe go out and have coffee, or a meal……”.

Lexa giggled “Erm, I think that would make it really hard for me to study. Too much noise and distractions….”. Costia sighed and bit her lip before saying “Lexa, I can’t tell if you’re completely oblivious or letting me down gently.” Upon seeing the confused expression on Lexa’s face, Costia realised the shorter brunette was indeed oblivious. “Lexa, I am trying to ask you out on a date.”

“Oh” Lexa replied with wide eyes, “I, erm, didn’t realise that’s what you were doing.” After a long, awkward silence, Costia prompted “Well? Is it a yes or no?”
“Oh, umm, yes, it’s a yes” Lexa said hurriedly.
“Awesome!” Costia said with a relived smile. “I will meet you at Grounders bar at 19:00 later tonight…..if that is okay?” Lexa nodded yes and the two girls exchanged numbers.

Lexa turned up to the date with study materials and felt embarrassed when Costia explained that the “study session” was code for going on a date. After getting past the awkwardness, the two had a lovely evening and their relationship developed at a rapid pace.

Lexa started to fall for Costia really quickly, but felt uneasy at the pace things were progressing and the subsequent changes to her life and routine. Neither of them knew Lexa was autistic at the time, but Lexa was honest about her struggles with depression and anxiety. Costia had been very understanding and for the first time in Lexa’s life, she felt like someone who wasn’t a family member loved and accepted her for who she was.

Costia had been Lexa’s first in many ways; the first person she made friends with at university, her first girlfriend and eventually the person she would lose her virginity too. She had no regrets about Costia being her first, as she was a person she had truly loved and trusted, but sex would be a major factor in the breakdown of their relationship.

For a start, Lexa didn’t fully understand her sexual feelings or what to do with them. It confused her when she was turned on and the physicality of sex was intense and times overwhelming. The close proximity of Costia’s body and breath on her body was a turn on and a turn off at the same time. The smell of sex made Lexa feel nauseous and her body was extremely sensitive to touch. Sometimes the sensations were too much for Lexa to handle, so she would become panicked and ask Costia to stop.

Lexa tried speaking to Costia about her issues, but she wasn’t very good at explaining herself. To her credit, Costia would try to be gentle and stay in tune with Lexa’s reactions, but would then get carried away and Lexa’s body would shut down, leaving both of them feeling upset and frustrated.

Costia often complained about Lexa’s “rejection”, which confused Lexa, as she always offered to pleasure her girlfriend, so it wasn’t until Costia explained it felt like Lexa was doing it out of a sense of duty rather than lust, that she understood where her girlfriend was coming from.

In some circumstances, Lexa did do things out of duty, but it was because she felt guilt at her meltdowns and didn’t want Costia to do without. After a while, Costia made snide remarks about their sex life and made her frustration at Lexa’s withdrawal clear.

Lexa never felt Costia was abusive, but she had started to feel stupid and worthless, whether is was Costia’s intention to make her feel that way or not. It wasn’t as easy for Lexa to express herself, or to open up the way Costia could. She had always struggled to communicate her feelings and was trying so hard to be able to, but it still wasn’t enough to make things work.

Costia’s complaints about their lack of a sex life further reinforced Lexa’s feelings of being a failure. Costia rightfully needed to be open about her feelings, but the cruel jibes she said made Lexa retreat further in to herself. After a year of misery and fits of tears, Lexa was the one who ended the dysfunctional relationship. Costia didn’t take the break up well and lobbied a ton of verbal abuse towards Lexa via phone calls and text messages. After a while, Lexa found the courage to block her number and block her on social media.

It wasn’t until Costia was completely out of her life that Lexa felt able to fully disclose all details of their relationship to Anya. She feared Anya would fly off the handle and that is exactly what her older sister dod, but Lexa managed to calm her down and make her promise not to “beat the shit out of the bitch.”

Lexa mulled over these details as she made her way to Clarke’s apartment. They had arranged to meet up after Clarke invited her over while they had been messaging yesterday. She really liked Clarke and wanted her to be a part of her life. She wasn’t one for announcing her autism, but she felt like she NEEDED Clarke to know why she behaved the way she did and that she couldn’t help the way she was.

She made the decision in her head there and then, she was going to tell Clarke she was autistic.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

Clarke touched up her mascara and reapplied her lipgloss then stood back and took in her full appearance in the mirror. She peered into her wide blue eyes, that never failed to reveal whatever emotion she was truly feeling. They sparkle when she is happy, darken a shade when she feels sad and develop a golden hue when she gets angry. She looked at the freckle above her upper lip that her mum persisted was a beauty mark and smiled thinking about her mother’s reassurance.

She surveyed her curves and acknowledged how they contrasted with Lexa’s lithe, delicate figure. Though the girl was a little bit taller than Clarke, her shyness and small frame made her seem much more delicate in stature. Growing up, Clarke never had a shortage of admirers, especially after her breasts developed in high school.

She had received all sorts of “compliments”for her boobs, which were mainly leers from creepy guys that she would never give the time of day to, but people also gushed over her “big blue eyes”, her smile, her golden hair and the curves she was eyeing in her mirror. She wouldn’t describe herself as being 100% body confident, but she certainly wasn’t insecure.

All of that changed since meeting Lexa. The girl was drop dead gorgeous and Clarke couldn’t get a read on how Lexa felt about her. That wasn’t completely true, she knew the exceedingly pretty girl enjoyed her company and seemed keen on becoming friends. That was as much as Clarke had been able to ascertain Lexa’s feelings.

Aside from her subtle flirting, Clarke seemed to turn into a nervous, stuttering teenager whenever she was around around Lexa. In spite of this, Lexa seemed completely oblivious to the huge crush Clarke had on her. At least she thinks Lexa is oblivious. This newfound insecure side of Clarke was convincing her that Lexa wasn’t oblivious at all and that she was subtly trying to let Clarke know she wasn’t interested in her in that way.

Clarke groaned internally. She was sick of overanalysing her relationship with Lexa and putting herself down. She had a good life, good friends and she didn’t ‘need’ a girlfriend, though if she were to have a girlfriend, she couldn’t think of a cuter, kinder, sexier person than Lexa…..”No! Stop it!”, she muttered aloud. She was going have a fun evening and that couldn’t happen if she was tearing herself apart.

She decided to wear a plain white t-shirt that happened to be a little see-through, grey acid wash jeans which went ever so well with the grey and black Vans Lexa had complimented in her last visit. She was only wearing them because they matched her outfit, it had absolutely nothing to do with Lexa’s compliment. At least that’s what she told herself.

She walked in to her living room and took note of the time - 18:24, Lexa would be here in 6 minutes. She decided to spend those minutes lounging on the sofa in an attempt to calm her nerves. It beat the alternative of pacing up and or busying herself with useless tasks. She wanted to be fully relaxed when the girl knocked her door.

______________________________________
Lexa pulled up at Clarke’s apartment and reversed in to one of the building’s allocated parking spaces. She knew Raven spending the evening with Octavia, so she wasn’t worried about taking up another resident’s spot. She looked at the time display on her control panel - 18:54. She sighed in relief.

She liked being a little early or on time for appointments. She didn’t want to be late, but being really early usually made her feel nervous and uneasy. Her father had always told her and Anya that “If you are on time, it means you are late”. It always made Anya roll her eyes and grunt “Whatever”, but for Lexa, the saying just didn’t make any sense. If you had an engagement for 18:30, like she did with Clarke, arriving within the 59 seconds of the clock striking 18:30 meant you were on time. Once the clock strikes 18:31, you are late, but 18:30 means being on time.

When she explained this to her father, he rolled his eyes and sighed “It’s just an expression Lexa. It’s supposed motivate you and Anya to always be prepared in life”. Good intentions or not, Lexa always thought the expression was stupid and still did. She looked at the clock and noticed it was now 18:55.

‘Great’ she thought to herself, ‘a minute wasted debating the validity of a stupid saying’. She done her ‘before leaving car’ routine of checking she had everything she needed and quickly exited the vehicle. She strode towards the apartment and pressed the buzzer at the door for entry. She was quickly buzzed in and made her way to the first floor apartment.

She found herself listing the advantages of living on the first floor: Spending less money on energy as you will gain heat from the flat below, burglaries are less likely than if you lived on the ground floor, you have a better view outside the window than you would at ground floor level, which meant you could keep a better eye on your car, though you had to climb stairs, there weren’t that many as it was only the first floor, climbing stairs is a good form of exercise and……

Suddenly Lexa found herself standing outside Clarke’s door and all thoughts of the benefits of living on the first floor vanished from her mind. She chewed on her bottom lip and hastily retrieved her fidget cube from her pocket. She clicked the buttons on it in a frenzy until she heard and elderly voice ask “Are you okay dear?”.

She turned her head to the left and saw an ancient looking old lady looking at her with concern and curiosity. The glasses she was wearing took up most of her face and combined with her white curls made her look like a spectacle wearing sheep.

“Oh, uh, yeah. I’m good thanks” Lexa stammered. The old lady wrapped her thick cardigan around her shoulders like a shawl and took a step forward which made Lexa audibly gulp.

The bespectacled old woman must have seen or heard the gulp as she stopped in her tracks. She cursed herself for thinking it, but Lexa wished the old dear would go back in her house and leave her alone.

“I didn’t mean to startle you sorry. I heard the footsteps in the hall and thought it was my friend. We are meeting up with friends to play poker.” The elderly woman grinned at Lexa, who wasn’t quite sure she had heard the woman properly.

“Lexa?” The brunette turned back and saw Clarke’s concerned face looking back her.

“Clarke dear! I was just chatting to your friend here.”

Clarke stepped out her apartment door and saw her tiny old neighbour.

“Oh hey Mrs Gibson! Poker night tonight?” Clarke inquired. “Yes love, Martha will be here any minute” her neighbour confirmed with a smile.

“I hope I didn’t startle you too much dear” Mrs Gibson directed her statement towards Lexa. “You’re so much more polite than that other girl who visits here.”

“Erm thank you” Lexa smiled, having a feeling it was her older sister the elderly woman was talking about.

A car horn honked outside and Mrs Gibson sped up her waddle and shouted out “Oh that will be Martha! Enjoy your evening dears!”

“Bye Mrs Gibson” Clarke shouted back, then diverted her attention back to Lexa and prompted “Come on in”.

Lexa said her thanks with a small smile before clearing her throat and asking “The rude girl your neighbour mentioned wouldn’t happen to be Anya would it?”

Clarke burst out laughing and confirmed “Yeah! Mrs Gibson told me that when she said hello, Anya sneered”

Lexa chuckled “yeah sounds about right. In fairness, it’s how she greets everyone else”.

“I wish she was that friendly to me” Clarke sighed.

Lexa lowered her head and her right leg started shaking. “I’m really sorry about the way she speaks to you Clarke. I have told her off about it, so hopefully she will stop being so mean. Not that she really listens to anyone mind you.”

Clarke frowned as she reassuringly told Lexa “You never have to apologise for your sister’s behaviour, and I promise I am more than able to stand up for myself to her”.

Lexa raised her head with widened eyes and spluttered “Oh, I, I wasn’t suggesting that you aren’t able to stand up to her, I mean…..”

“Lexa!” Clarke said with a smile. “I know that’s not what you’re implying, now sit down while I get us something to drink”.

Lexa felt her face flush and hastily took a seat while Clarke made her way into the kitchen. In what seemed like a nanosecond later, the blonde returned with two frosty glass bottles of Coke. Lexa wasn’t sure if she said the word “mmmm” aloud, but Clarke smiled as she handed the beverage over and said “I remember you saying coke is your favourite drink and that it tastes best in glass bottles”.

Lexa quickly nodded her head in agreement and responded “It is and it does” before taking a big swig of the drink.

“You’re so adorable” Clarke chuckled, which caused Lexa to choke on her drink.

“Shit are you okay?” Clarke gasped as she rushed over to the brunette’s side. Lexa coughed, then smiled “I’m fine Clarke, the only thing hurt is my pride” she chuckled.

“Oh thank goodness!” Clarke proclaimed as she made her way to back to her seat. She had barely sat down when Lexa suddenly announced “Clarke, there is something I have been debating telling you, but the more I thought about it, and believe me, I thought about a LOT! Well, I came to the conclusion that it would be better to tell you.”

The brunette took a deep breath before continuing “I really hope this doesn’t affect our friendship and I am sorry for being so abrupt, but if I don’t say it now, I know I will lose my nerve and not say it all.”

Clarke tried to process the rambling and felt an excitement build in her chest. ‘Oh my God!’ She thought to herself. ‘Is Lexa gonna tell me she wants to be more than a friend? Is that why she is so nervous?’

Whilst trying to control her rapid heart rate, Clarke, in as calm a voice as she could manage said “Lexa, you can tell me anything. I am certain it won’t affect her friendship” she added with a smile.

“Okay…..Okay” Lexa nodded as she played with the fidget cube in her pocket. “Remember the last time I was here, I took a panic attack?” She asked. Clarke nodded slowly, taken aback by the direction the conversation was going.

“Well, the thing is, it wasn’t a panic attack. Well, actually it was, because it was to with anxiety and I did panic, so technically speaking, it was a panic attack….” the brunette rambled while frantically clicking the buttons on her fidget cube.

“I remember” Clarke replied quickly, in an attempt to make Lexa focus on whatever it was she was trying to say, rather than the digression she seemed to diving deeper in to.

Lexa nodded and continued “well, it was sort of a meltdown that I had and it’s something that happens often, well sort of often….a lot? Oh I don’t know, but it happens.”

Clarke’s heart ached watching the girl struggle in front of her. She had long gotten over the embarrassment of assuming Lexa would make some sort of romantic declaration and felt her gut wrench and how much Lexa’s words seemed to physically hurt the girl as she said them.

Lexa tapped the arm of couch before continuing “The thing is….well, the thing is….I am autistic” she said with a wince.

“Oh” Clarke said in shock. She didn’t think any less of Lexa, not all, she just hadn’t expected her to say that.

Lexa mistook Clarke’s shock for rejection and shot up from her seat and nervously proclaimed “I can leave if you want”.

“Woah woah, Lexa wait” Clarke exclaimed. “Please don’t leave” she asked sincerely as she shared a rare moment of eye contact with the brunette.” Lexa and shook her head in response, so Clarke double checked “Promise you’ll stay”.

Lexa smiled “I promise” and sat back down. Clarke followed her actions and took a deep breath before starting “I am really sorry if my reaction gave the wrong impression. In honesty, it wasn’t what I was expecting you to say, in fact, I had thought you were maybe hinting at something else, so I was caught off guard by you said”.

Clarke took a sip of her drink before continuing “this doesn’t change things between us. I still want to be your friend and still think you’re a bad ass”

“Yeah right” Lexa snorted. “Anya is always telling me I should get a tattoo that says ‘Born to be Mild’”.

“Well I think you are a bad ass and I greatly appreciate you telling me this. It took a lot of courage and I am honoured that you trust me enough to tell me.”

“Thank you” Lexa replied. “I have been fretting about telling you for a few reasons. The main one being that I want to be thought of as Lexa, not autistic. This might sound contradictory, but even though I want to be thought of as Lexa, autism is a huge part of who I am and how I react to things.”

Lexa gulped, then continued “like I mentioned earlier, I had a meltdown the night I came over because I felt so overwhelmed. I never socialise and while I get on really well with Raven, I hadn’t interacted with her in a social setting before, nor had I properly spent time with you face-to-face. That is overwhelming for anyone I guess, but it made me a bag of nerves then you touched me and I wasn’t expecting it, so I freaked out and shut down.”

“I have sensory issues. Certain smells can overwhelm me and give me a headache, certain sounds irritate and panic me and generally speaking I have a very bland taste in food and don’t like too many different flavours or foods on the one plate. The concept of Buffets are completely lost on me, much to the chagrin of Anya.”

“I have issues with group settings and interacting with people and have done my entire life, which you know from our earlier messenger chats. I’ve never really been able to make friends and by this stage in my life, I don’t even try. Ive only had one relationship and while there were lots of good things about it, putting up with me isn’t easy.”

Clarke had listened patiently to everything Lexa said until that point, but that last line “putting up with me isn’t easy” didn’t sit well with her.

“Lexa, I can’t speak on behalf of your ex, but I’m sure she didn’t ‘put up’ with you. You are a tremendous person so she would have been lucky to be with you”.

“I know you mean well Clarke, but I am hard work - meltdowns, restricted behaviours and taste in food, sensory issues and when I like something, like a band, or a book, it consumes me. I am a weirdo that is hard to put up with.”

Clarke felt unshed tears sting her eyes. “Lexa, it breaks my heart that you see yourself that way, but I can assure you from the bottom of my heart that nobody else does. You are one of the kindest, sweetest people I have ever met and if your ex ever made you feel otherwise, give me her name and I will track her down and beat her ass!”

Lexa hadn’t expected this reaction from Clarke. She had resigned herself to losing the friendship she had built with the blonde, so the fact that the opposite was happening was having trouble sinking in. While she felt a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, she also felt overcome with emotion as tears flowed unwillingly from her eyes.

“Oh God” she muttered. “I wasn’t expecting this reaction. I’m used to people thinking I’m a freak, or even worse, thinking highly of me, then start babying me once they know I am autistic”.

Clarke sat next to Lexa, but left a little bit of space between the two of them, as she knew better than to encroach Lexa’s space.

“Lexa, would you mind if I gave you a hug?”

Lexa wiped the tears from her cheeks and whispered “I’d like that very much”.

Clarke slowly filled the gap between the two of them and turned to her side as she embraced the brunette. Without thinking and acting on instinct instead, she pulled back and sat with her back pressed against the sofa and led Lexa’s head to her chest and slowly stroked her long, curly hair.

After a few minutes Lexa whispered “This is so weird. I usually hate people touching my hair, to the extent that I cut it myself, but this is so soothing.”

“I’m honoured your letting me touch your hair” Clarke beamed. “For the record, it’s soothing me too.”

“I think it may be soothing me a bit too much” Lexa declared shyly as she tried, but failed to stifle a yawn.

“Shhhh” Clarke mumbled as she shut her eyes and felt hear breathing grow heavier.

Lexa smiled into the blonde’s skin and allowed herself to close her eyes and settle in to Clarke’s chest.