Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So who’s going to tell me the big secret or is it a benders only thing?”

“It’s not-” Sokka says before realizing the trap Suki had set. “Zuko I-”

Zuko shakes his head, and puts down his fork. “I was going to tell her anyway.”

“Still…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Zuko. I won’t be offended or anything, I just have felt like there is an undercurrent of something when we all get together now, and just wanted to make sure I wasn’t just imagining things.”

“I didn’t mean to leave you out, I’ve just been trying to figure out how to tell you. Will… will you join me for a walk?”

“Sure.”

Together the two of them left the small dining area that they used when at least a few of them had time to gather for a meal. The others sent him encouraging looks, and gestures, although Sokka still seemed a bit too upset for his tastes. Well, he’d deal with that later, he had something he needed to give him anyway.

“My mom used to bring me here,” he said once they had reached the pond. “We would sit over there, and watch the turtleducks swim, and she would talk to me. That’s why this is probably my favorite place in the palace.”

“Is it okay for me to be here with you?”

“Yes. This place is special to me, and I think it makes it the perfect place to tell you what the others already know.”

A few moments passed, Zuko gazed out over the water, and sighed. “I really don’t know how to start.”

“I find it helps to start at the beginning.”

“Well, I suppose you could say it started with a turtleduck plush.”

“Really?”

Zuko blushed. “A gift,” he clarified, “from Aang.”

Suki smiled. “So what’s so special about a plush toy, other than it being a plush toy of  your favorite animal?”

Zuko took a breath. “I have grown really attached to said plush toy, and I reacted badly when said toy disappeared. “

“Badly?”

“More toddler than teenager.” Zuko explained. “I was really upset, and I think I just… broke. Katara helped me through it, and I tried to shove the experience away, but I got overwhelmed by being the Fire Lord and it happened again.”

“I don’t understand. Is the secret that you break down sometimes? Given your occupation, and the idiots on your staff right now, I would say that’s normal.”

Zuko shook his head. “The secret is the way I seem to cope with it.  When I… well before it was only when I was overwhelmed, but I recently learned I can find my way to it even if I’m not,” he sighs, this is much harder than he thought it’d be, but Suki is part of the group, part of his family, and he will share this with her. 

“Sometimes I am small. The world is simply too big, and too much for me to deal with so my mind retreats to a more child-like state. I know it’s silly, because being a kid wasn’t fun the first time around, but this time I… I have people in my life that want to care for me, and do it because they want to, and not out of societal obligation. I’m allowed to cry, and hug people, and they return the affection because they like me. I don’t get called weak or inferior or… get hurt for messing up, and I need that. I’ve always needed that.”

Suki’s voice is strained when she speaks. “Didn’t your mom… or your uncle….?”

“Mom could only do so much. She wasn’t perfect, I see now that she made mistakes, but she tried to shield me for as long as she could. Uncle… he wasn’t around much back then. He was fighting battles, and I understood that, but…”

“Zuko…”

“Yes?”

“Can… can I hug you. I think I really need to hug you right now.”

Zuko blinked in surprise, and then nodded. 

Suki pulls him into a tight hug.  After a moment, he managed to put his own arms around her in return.

When they pulled away, they both had noticeably teary eyes, but neither of them saw fit to comment on that. Instead Suki asked, “How does it feel?”

“When I’m small?”

She nods.

Zuko smiles. “Freeing. The others… they get protective, and act silly… it’s wonderful.”

“Will I ever get to see you that way?”

“Yes. I mean it would be pointless to just tell you, and then push you away.”

“It would, wouldn’t it? Well, shall we head back? The others are probably wearing a hole in the floor worrying about how our talk has gone.”

Zuko smiles. “I bet they are.” Suddenly, a mischievous expression came over him. “How do you think the others would react if you said I told you something else instead of the actual secret?”

“Zuko, what a diabolical plot,” Suki said with a conspiratorial grin. “What should I say you told me?”

He stepped closer and whispered his idea.

“Really!?” That’s what you want to go with?”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“Yes actually,” she said, before whispering her own idea.

Zuko nearly choked on the air. “You can not say that!”

“And why not? It’s not like it’s actually true. Oh my god, really Zuko!?

”No! I mean it might be a little true, but…”

“Hey, it’s fine, but I want to see it sometime okay?”

“Fine, but you can’t tell the others.”

“Do I get to pick the outfit?”

“Fine,” he sighs. “But can we agree to go with my suggestion now?”

“Fine, but I doubt we’ll get a big reaction.”

“I think we will.”

“Alright, let’s go and see, shall we?”

Zuko nodded, and together they made their way back into the palace.

Chapter Text

The others were still waiting in the little dining room, clearly anxious about how his conversation with Suki had gone, and unwilling to wait to find out longer than they needed to.

After locking the door, Zuko gave Suki a quick glance, making sure that she was still onboard for their little prank. A small grin showed she was, so it was time to put the plan in motion.

“I don’t know why you all look so worried, it was fine. Suki is one of us after all, so I had to tell her.”

“Seriously you guys it wasn’t even a big deal.”

The relief in the room was palpable.

“I mean the rest of his wardrobe is so specific, colorful socks are really the only expression that he could possibly have.”

Everyone seems to stop breathing. Toph is frowning, likely because neither of them are lying in any way, and the others are looking from him to Suki, unable to utter a word. 

Zuko is the first to break out in laughter. “I told you so,” he gasped.

Suki laughs too. “You did.”

“Um, does someone want to tell me what just happened?” Katara asked, watching the two of them choke with laughter.

“We tricked you!” Zuko said proudly.

“So you did tell her?” Sokka asked.

“Yea. Had to. Not fun being left out of things,” Zuko said sadly.

“Sorry, buddy, I know you wouldn’t be mean like that. Come here.”

Zuko moved over to the other boy, and was instantly crushed in a hug. Zuko could feel the shame coming from his friend, and he really wanted to fix it. “It’s okay,” Zuko told him, “you still best big brother.” 

“Hey,” Aang said, was a playful sadness in his tone. 

Zuko smiled, and turned his head to face the airbender. “Sokka best big brother, and you best big, little, brother.”

“So you’re saying we’re both the best?”

Zuko nodded. There was no way that he would ever choose between them, when he was lucky enough to have them both.

“Mister Ember Lord, what does that make me then?”

“Big, little, sister,” he told her as though it were obvious. Then he realized that maybe the others would need to know what they were to him.

“Suki is big sis, and Tara is just Tara.”

“Alright, move over, it’s my turn to hug him,” Katara said. 

“It’s always my turn,” Sokka said, but he did back off.

Zuko was quickly wrapped in a hug by the waterbender.

It seemed like mere seconds passed before Aang forced her away to claim his own hug. It was awesome, because he was getting more hugs in this small amount of time than he’d had over the course of his life, but it had the added effect of making him feel like a ball being tossed around from person to person.

Then Suki approached. “My turn?” she asked shyly.

He turned to her, and opened his arms for a hug.

She embraced him, and when she pulls away she says, “You’re a sweet little boy aren’t you?”

Zuko blushed, but he knew he needed to be honest. “I wanna be, but sometime I mess up.”

“Do you try to do better after messing up?”

Zuko nods.

“Then you are a sweet little boy,” she affirms, as though it’s the simplest truth to ever be told.

Something in him broke at that, and he realized that even after all this time, even after all he had been through to get where he was today, some part of him still believed in what his father had drilled into him as far back as he could remember.

It was lies, he realized, so much of his life was built on lies. Kindness was not a weakness. Caring was not a weakness. Friendship was not a weakness. Loving someone was not a weakness.

It was too much for him, this realization that he was still so fragile, that he still held on to those beliefs somewhere deep inside, and the only thing he could do was collapse to the floor, as he cried. 

He felt, more than saw, the others scramble to his side. He heard soft questions, and reassurances, but still he cried. What if he never could push away the thoughts? What if he went back to being a monster? He didn’t want to be a monster!

Something soft was being pushed into his hand, and he noticed then, that someone had dashed to his room, and brought Tutu to him.

He unconsciously fell into a rhythm of petting the plush, and it helped. His focus narrowed to the plushie, and how soft she was. How she was proof that he was cared for, proof that he was loved and accepted.

Now that he wasn’t crying so hard, he used his sleeves to wipe away his tears. He wanted to nap, All the tears had made him sleepy, and Tutu was soft.

“Zuko?” 

Zuko looked at Katara. She seemed worried, was that because of him?

“Can you tell me what happened?”

He really didn’t want to, but everyone seemed worried, and that wasn’t fair. He’d made them sad so he should try to fix it. “I…” he frowned at how rough his voice was.

Then a cup of water was at his lips. He drank from it, and then tried again.

“I jus remembered how much I was told I was weak. How it was weak to care, an be nice. How not being super good at bending was cause I was weak. I scared cause I still think that sometime, an what if I go back to being mean? I wanna stay sweet, an be you alls Zuko, I not wanna be a monster again.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” Katara said softly.

“Yeah, listen to Sweetness,” Toph said. “We’re all here for you, and we would definitely tell you if you were acting like you did before.”

Zuko blinked, not seeming to understand.

“It’s  like you said, you’re our Zuko now,  and we will always be there to help when you need us,” Aang told him.

“But what if I do bad things?”

“You’ll still be our Zuko, and we’ll help you fix it, because true families they look out for one another,” Sokka assured him.

"Let’s leave the discussion there for now,” Katara suggested.

“I agree. Someone I know needs a nap,” Suki said.

Zuko didn’t even have the energy to pretend not to understand. “All stay?” he asked drowsily.

No one could refuse, even if they had wanted to, and thus all six of them ended up cuddled in the monstrosity of a bed that was intended for the Fire Lord’s chambers, but had been regulated to a spare room.

~

Iroh walked the halls of the palace. It seemed that the very air in the space was kinder than the last time that he had been here. Sometimes he wished that he had been able to stay here, and continue to guide his nephew, but he knew it would only serve to undermine the young Fire Lord’s authority, and the combined efforts of the Zuko’s friends served passibly well as far as guidance went.  Naturally, he restricted his visits, but he missed his nephew, so he’d decided to surprise him.

The first place he went was to Zuko’s room. It was a small chamber, the very one the boy had, had in childhood. A smile graced Iroh’s features at that. The young ruler definitely valued simplicity, and function. The room was empty however so he walked down to the kitchen wondering if the boy was down there having a nice cup of tea.

Unfortunately, that turned out not to be the case. Surely Zuko was not having a meeting during a day when he was, supposedly, off-duty?

As he was heading for the audience chamber, an older servant walked by him. “Excuse me, but would you happen to know where the Fire Lord is?”

“Yes sir. The Lord is currently resting.”

Iroh knew he looked surprised, but he couldn’t help himself. Zuko was one to work until he dropped and he’d been that way for so long it was a shock to hear that he was resting voluntarily. Likely his group of friends had something to do with that. Despite their ages, those kids could be quite scary when they wanted to be.

“Will you take me to him?”

The servant hesitated, before nodding.

When they arrived at the door, two men were guarding it. They assessed Iroh as though trying to decide if he were a threat. It with done with an air of respect, though,

Apparently they judged him worthy, and stepped aside. 

In the room he found his nephew, and all five of the others cuddled together in a massive bed. They all looked relaxed in a way that he had never seen them, but the oddest thing was the way that they were all clustered around Zuko.

He left just as quietly as he had entered. Later he would inquire about the situation that led to them piling in bed that way. Later, he would see what changes had affected his nephew. Later, he would seek an explanation for the turtleduck plush that Zuko was clinging to so fiercely despite being asleep. For now, he would go to kitchen, and make some tea.