Archive of Our Own ^beta

“So, how are you and Xiaojun?” Donghyuck asked, right thumb smashing the buttons on his controller, releasing a frustrated yell when Mark got ahead of him. 

They were playing KartRider again, when they should be studying for their finals, as Mark’s couch was wistfully covered in packets of chips and snacks Donghyuck had smuggled onto campus. Their university wasn’t too strict about that stuff, but the younger still hid it under his coat as if he was smuggling drugs past airport security. For the thrill , apparently. Mark didn’t understand what could possibly be any less thrilling than studying for exam upon exam, downing too many coffees to keep oneself awake at two am simply to finish that project they should’ve finished days ago. 

Uni life; it was great .

“He’s a bit distant lately,” Mark said, eyes fixated on the TV as he pressed a Nitro to boost his cart, zooming past Donghyuck’s and drifting around another corner. “I don’t know if he still wants to be involved with me, or whatever the heck it is between us.”

Donghyuck snorted, reaching for more chips to add to the growing pile of unhealthy food he’s consumed today alone, “Maybe it’s because you’re twenty two and still refuse to say fuck.”

Mark let out a laugh, jabbing his best friend before focusing on the game again, jumping up when he passed the finish line before Donghyuck. There were a few curse words coming out of the youngers’ mouth as Mark did a small victory dance, smiling down at the boy with the same smile he gave the boy when they were merely kindergartners, racing to see who’d get to the cubby in Donghyuck’s backyard first. 

Mark typically always won, giggling when Donghyuck stuck his tongue out at him and palpably tried to push Mark out of the cubby. It was a blessing that he could still beat the younger and tease him about it after surviving years of friendship.

When Mark sat down again, Donghyuck insisted on another game, claiming he was just warming up.

“This is going to be our seventh game.” Mark sighed, reaching for his phone, “Don’t you think you should get onto that assignment in your dumb course that I can never remember the name of?”

“What’s so difficult to remember about Bioethics and Pathology?” Donghyuck grumbled, “And no, I finished it before I came over like the responsible student I am.”

Mark let out a chuckle, picking the next game, “You and responsible don’t go in a sentence together.” 

“Well, you and social don't go in a sentence together.”

Mark patted Donghyuck on the back, laughing at his pout before focusing on the TV again. The game started, and the boys went quiet, saving their insults for after the game. 

A knock interrupted their game, making Mark get up as Donghyuck claimed that if it’s his dorm, he has to answer. He opened the door to their mutual friend, Jaemin, letting him in and realising he fell into last place from in the game while Donghyuck raced through first.

“What brings you here so late?” Donghyuck asked, relishing in his first place as he neared the finish line.

“My dorm is empty so I thought I’d find company here,” Jaemin said, sitting next to Mark on the couch, bag in lap. “Have you seen Jeno or Renjun today?”

Jaemin looked at Mark first, visibly relaxing when Mark nodded, “I had class with Jeno a few hours ago, he said he was gonna go home and nap before his shift. He’s probably at his shift now, but I haven’t seen Renjun.” He looked at Donghyuck, pulling a face when he found the latter shoving more chips in his mouth, “Stop eating that crap so late, idiot.”

“It’s good,” Donghyuck mumbled through a mouthful, pouting before turning to Jaemin. “I saw Renjun with Lucas and Hendery today. They were walking to Lucas’ car, I think. I don’t really know where they went because I was already late to my own class, but I got a text from him earlier, saying he’d be out late. Told me not to wait up.”

Jaemin nodded, looking at the TV now with a concerned look in his eyes. The other two looked at each other before looking back at Jaemin, wondering how to break the silence the youngest had caused. He usually bounced in here, laying himself across the two to interrupt their game, with countless complaints about his classes. 

Mark wondered if there was a cloud of sadness seeping through the entire group; he had his own problems with Xiaojun right now, he knew Donghyuck wasn’t in the happiest place with the stress of his classes and he knew his other friends were extremely busy, wondering when the last time he spoke to them other than saying hi as they passed each other on campus. Maybe it was just a part of the university life; get stressed and turn to friends, who understand the stress. It was a cycle they didn’t know how to break until they graduate. 

But a new cycle will form, somehow, in their lives after this place. Mark just hoped all his friends would still be around, with him, for that new cycle.

“Jeno’s been coming home really late lately,” Jaemin started, “I know he can do what he wants, but I’m worried. Last night, he came home at three am, piss drunk. He didn’t even recognise Jungwoo.”

Donghyuck furrowed his eyebrows together at the statement, feeling closer to the issue than Mark. In high school, Mark was more involved with kids his own age, only staying close with Donghyuck from their already established friendship outside of school, while Donghyuck hung around the other three boys his age. By default, Donghyuck felt closer and more involved in their lives. Mark tried to fill that gap, but sometimes just wanted to be around Donghyuck, enjoying the dynamics of their friendship above all his relations with his younger friends. 

“He’s grown Jaemin,” Donghyuck started, “if he wants to do that, you have to let him.”

“Just make sure he doesn’t get alcohol poisoning.” Mark smiled, holding his gaze, “Johnny told me to be careful of it in uni, it’s apparently really common.”

Jaemin adjusted his position on the couch, “Johnny lives in Chicago. Alcohol poisoning is as much fun as that place gets.”

When they laughed, Mark noticed how it made Jaemin relax. He knew Jaemin would be worried, but when he remembered how long he’d known Jeno, he realised how deep it ran and how serious this could be. To him, he related by imagining Donghyuck in Jeno’s position. 

He’d be worried sick if Donghyuck started consistently doing something he usually doesn’t, especially if it was something dangerous like getting drunk alone and having to make his way home all alone. 

“So, what are you gonna do about it?” Donghyuck asked, waiting for a fleeting silence to make the conversation profound. 

Jaemin shrugged, staring lifelessly at the TV again, releasing a small sigh— Mark felt his heart drop at the disappointment in his sigh. “Make sure he knows I’m here for him, I guess.”

——

People are many things in life, Mark has come to learn. People change, and learn new things and want new things. Mark wondered how many times in his life he’d change, but for now, he just had two muses. His guitar and his studies. 

He loved them both and knew he couldn’t live without them; jumping from class to class, lugging his knowledge of music theory around. And when he gets back to his dorm, he throws a hoodie on and sits on the end of his bed, legs dangling, strumming his guitar as if he doesn’t have a stack of work to get through. 

University was tough, he knew it’d be before he applied, though he enjoyed the lifestyle. Minus the workload, he enjoyed how he could stay up to five am and not have a mother to yell at him, or how he could walk into the main lounge with only slippers, shorts and the hoodie he stole from Xiaojun’s room a few months ago and not receive any mean stares. 

He wasn’t sure if Xiaojun wanted that hoodie back, so he just kept it. He remembered the clear blush that flourished on the other boys’ face that time that he rocked up to their shared class together, in the hoodie. 

As he watched Xiaojun mess up a few chords on the guitar because he was too focused on how his hoodie fitted Mark’s body perfectly, Mark decided he was never going to return the hoodie. Donghyuck liked to tell him it was because he could pretend Xiaojun’s his boyfriend if he had his hoodie. 

After that class, Mark had found himself intertwined with Xiaojun in the latters’ dorm for the third time that month. He called it making love to avoid sounding crude.

——

“I’m off to class now,” Mark yelled to his roommate, Sungchan, standing by the door with one hand on the handle and the other balancing his books.

“Bring me back some lunch!” Sungchan yelled back, eyes not leaving the TV ahead of him, laughing after it so Mark knew he was joking. 

He closed the door and started the walk to his afternoon class, turning corners whilst adjusting the books in his left hand that moved annoyingly around his folder. He’s dropped his things enough times to know there’d be no second hand embarrassment from other half-dead uni kids, but he still wanted to save himself the trouble of picking his things off the floor. 

When he successfully entered the classroom, he scanned the room for his usual seat. Xiaojun sat in the seat next to his, clad in a hoodie and sweatpants that Mark recognised. He’s been in Xiaojun’s room, alone with the latter, enough to have seen him in this outfit before. 

He slid into his seat, wondering how to approach Xiaojun. It’s been a week or so since they’d actually talked, despite seeing each other together on Sunday when everyone had gathered at Ten, Taeyong and Doyoung’s house. It’d been some time since all of them had gotten together, and Mark had really enjoyed it. Even when Xiaojun had ignored him half the night.

“You’re not wearing the hoodie,” Xiaojun noted, scribbling something on his notebook with his signature ballpoint pen. Class hadn’t started so Mark didn’t know what he was writing, but when he stole a glance at the page, he realised it was the song Xiaojun had been working on for a while.

“And you’re still writing that song.” Mark replied, lugging his bag onto the desk to get his materials out. He placed some of the books he’d been carrying into the bag, leaving the ones he needed now on the table. 

The professor had walked in while Mark was gathering his things, so when he was finished organising himself, Xiaojun’s attention was universes away from him again.

He listened to the lecture, writing down what he needed to as he tried to surpass the need to talk to Xiaojun. Every now and again, he’d turn his head and catch a glimpse of the boy. Xiaojun never returned the stare, either too focused on the professor or his notebook. Mark didn’t even know why he was writing notes; this was music theory for crying out loud, all the notes you needed were on the guitar already. He concluded only nerds took notes in this class, but remembered the time Xiaojun relentlessly called him a nerd for studying for their guitar exam. 

“What are you smiling about?” Jeno asked from the other side of him. He’d nearly forgotten the younger was there after he slid in twenty minutes late, eyes slightly red rimmed. Maybe Jaemin was right for being worried.

“Nothing,” Mark responded, waving him off. He tried to suppress his smile and focus on the lecture, but he couldn’t help the arising feelings of warmth from all the moments shared with Xiaojun. Even the small moment before class started was enough to make him grow red. 

His thoughts started to stray away from happy memories to questions regarding why Xiaojun was being so distant. Mark wasn’t sure if it had something to do with him, or if Xiaojun had something else going on in his life that was weighing him down. He wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure if his words would make a difference.

When the professor finally dismissed them, Mark got up, taking as much time as possible to pack up. He enjoyed being last to leave; it saved him from being squashed by the other kids who were desperate to get out that door. Usually, Xiaojun waited for him but when he looked up, it was just him and Jeno.

“So, why are you still here?” Mark slung his bag across his shoulders, holding the folders in his arm again as he walked alongside Jeno to the exit.

“I need some advice,” Jeno said, pushing the doors open for both of them to exit through. They continued walking down the corridor together, slowly approaching the dormitory. 

“And you’re coming to me for it?” Mark questioned, eyebrows raised. When their eyes met, he saw the desperation in Jeno’s eyes and realised he was being serious. “Ok, yeah, sorry. I’ll try to help. What’s bothering you?”

Mark settled them inside his dorm, on the couch that still had some chip crumbles thanks to Donghyuck, when Jeno began to talk. He seemed glad that the room was empty so they could speak alone. Mark knew it wouldn’t be long till Sungchan comes back as he was probably getting lunch, or till Donghyuck comes in with Renjun, complaining about whatever class they just had.

“How did you come out to your parents?” He asked, voice shaky.

Mark pulled out two Sprites from his mini fridge, handing one to Jeno before sitting on the couch again. The question startled him, as he’d never been asked it before.

“I told my parents a week before I left for this place,” He watched Jeno fiddle with the Sprite bottle, as if drinking it would be a crime. “They told me they love me and the next week, they were driving me here, wishing me luck in my studies and in finding a girl or boy.”

“So they were just fine with it right off the bat?” Jeno pronounced his words carefully, still staring at the bottle. Mark was beginning to worry by the major change in demeanour. Jeno was always joyful, smiling brighter than anyone else in the room. 

It made Mark realise he should’ve listened to Jaemin’s concerns with more concern of his own.

“Yeah, well they knew Donghyuck was gay years before that, and they were okay with that. I have an aunty with a wife too, so it wasn’t anything new to them.” Mark said, “What is this about anyway? Are you planning on coming out to your parents?”

“No.” Jeno sighed, putting the bottle aside and making eye contact with Mark for the first time that afternoon, “My sister— no, brother, came out as trans. My parents aren’t taking it well. I didn’t realise they’d react badly to something like that. It’s been fucking with me lately.”

Mark nodded, taking it in, “So you’re scared of coming out because that gives them a trans kid, and a polyamorous bisexual kid.”

He nodded at the same time as he released a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what to do Mark,” He said, “My brothers’ name is Jisung, but my parents said they’ll kick him out if he continues being transgender, they’re saying it’s an act and I know I live here so they can’t kick me out, but they pay for my dorm rent and my uni stuff. If I support Jisung, they’ll cut that off for me, but I can’t not support him.” 

Jeno’s head was in his hands by the end of his rant and Mark inched closer to wrap him in a hug when his shoulders began to shake. They’d been friends for years, but this is the first time Mark has seen Jeno cry like this. He let him rest his head on Mark’s shoulder, unbothered by the tears that wet his shirt.

“It’ll be alright,” Mark mumbled. “Jisung can move into the dorms, and you can get a job to start making money. There are plenty of kids here who depend on their part time jobs to get them through university, and that’s okay. The uni isn’t looking for the money right now, you have all the time in the world to get it. Besides, you’re Lee Jeno, all you need is to pass your degree and you’ll be out in the big world, making a name for yourself while your parents watch bitterly.”

He felt Jeno smile against his skin, shoulders slowing down as the tears started to stop. Mark decided to continue talking, knowing it was the best way to distract him.

“Jisung attends classes here, doesn’t he?” Mark mumbled, to which Jeno nodded, “He can easily move in here. There are so many free dorms, and the cost to live on campus isn’t too much more than what it is to live away. We can all help too, Jisung is loved by all of us anyway.”

“You don’t need to do all that,” Jeno mumbled, resting his chin on Mark’s shoulder. They remained in a tight hug despite Jeno’s tears stopping; it was just comfortable that way. “Jisung and I will figure it out together. Yeeun has a good paying job, I know she’ll help us too.”

“Your sister?” Mark asked, “Isn’t she like, married with three kids?”

Jeno nodded, “I haven’t told her about Jisung yet, I don’t know if he wants me to. But anyway, I need to figure out where Jisung can stay. My parents will kick him out soon.”

“Well, where’s he now?” Mark checked the time on his phone, noting that Sungchan should be back soon.

Jeno checked his phone, probably for any texts from Jisung about the situation. “He’s at his Physics class right now, he has a dance class opposite where we just had our class in half an hour. I made him give me his entire schedule for the week.”

“How about instead of waiting for your parents to kick him out, we just move him into a dorm already?” Mark suggested, reaching for a few controllers to distract Jeno with games. He smiled when the younger took the controller without hesitation, throwing his head back to down some Sprite.

“How would we do that?” Jeno asked, putting the Sprite on the mini coffee table in front of them that Mark had taken from his parents place. He started the game before answering.

“We could apply right now,” Mark said, “I know there’s a spare bed in Donghyuck and Renjun’s dorm, we could just ask them to move him in there. It’d take a week, not even, to get him settled.”

“Ok, that’s a good idea, but how would we get his stuff out of my parents house?” Jeno stared at the screen as the zombies began to run at him, shooting at them without hesitation, like he’s done it a thousand times. “They’re like hawks, they never leave the house. It’d be nearly impossible unless we make Jisung do it and effectively sneak out without them noticing.”

“We could do that.” Mark said, “Does his room have any windows?”

“Not ones that are easy to open and throw stuff out of.” Jeno shot at more zombies, while Mark jumped into the nearest vehicle and began speeding through hoards of zombies. “They always insisted that he have a room that didn’t have anything that was easy to escape from, because they didn’t want him sneaking out like typical teenage girls do. I don’t know if it’s because he’s actually a guy that he didn’t sneak out, or if he wanted to abide by our parents’ rules.”

Mark looked over at the expression on Jeno’s face. He expected a smile, but it was just a painful expression that hurt Mark to look at. He placed a hand on Jeno’s thigh, making eye contact with the younger as the game got forgotten.

“He’ll be okay Jeno,” Mark mumbled, “He’s got you after all.”

——

Mark sat at his desk, gathering notes and whatever study material he needed for his next music theory class. He had another one tomorrow morning, at a time that should be deemed illegal to make young adults wake up and attend classes. Hence, he was preparing the day before so he wouldn’t be rushing around at all in the morning.

“Have you seen my deodorant anywhere?” Sungchan yelled from the bathroom, walking in with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“On the couch,” Mark mumbled, “Donghyuck used it last night.”

“Why is he always using my stuff when he’s your best friend?” Sungchan grumbled, walking to the couch to spray himself before entering the bathroom again.

He came out moments later with clothes on, gathering his things into a bag before turning to Mark who had moved from his desk to his bed, phone glued to his hand. He decided the morning rush would be motivating. 

“I’m going out for a bit,” He said, “I’ll be back later.”

“Where are you going?”

“A date.” Sungchan twisted the doorknob, rushing out before Mark could question him further. He slumped against the bed again, dialling Donghyuck’s number after wondering what he should do.

His best friend picked up after a few rings, with a rushed tone, “What Mark?”

“Jeez, hi to you too.” Mark frowned, “Are you busy tonight?”

“Yes, I am. I’m trying to do my makeup right now actually because I have an important date tonight and I’m going to be late if I don’t hurry up.” His voice sounded distant, Mark could tell he was on speaker, but the stress in his voice was new. It was unusual to hear from him.

“A date?” Mark looked at the door, “With Sungchan?”

“How did you know?” Donghyuck sighed.

Mark laughed, “He just rushed out of here, saying he’s going on a date. Bit of a coincidence, don’t you think?”

“Whatever, whatever.” Donghyuck sighed again, “I asked him out last week, and he said yes so I want to see where this’ll take us. Just don’t be weird about it, okay?”

“I won’t be,” Mark responded with innocence through his voice, because there was certainly nothing weird about your best friend and roommate going on a date together without telling you. 

“I’ve gotta go now,” Donghyuck said, “I’m so late, Mark.”

“Have fun.” He replied, hanging up and staring at the door again. 

He had two options for entertainment now. Go to sleep or dial another one of his twenty or so friends. He scrolled through his contact list before landing on Johnny’s number, dialling it immediately without considering timezones.

“Dude, it’s 9am,” Johnny groaned, “Why are you calling me now?”

“Sorry, I forgot you’re hours behind. I just wanted to check in and say hi,” Mark held the phone in one hand while the other started to play with his necklace that he’d gotten from Jaemin as a birthday present last year.

“You never want to just check in and say hi,” Johnny mumbled, “What’s the problem this time?”

Mark sighed, “It’s Xiaojun.” He heard Johnny hum, as if this was nothing new to him. “He’s acting really weird. It’s been like three weeks since we had an actual conversation, or did anything together. I don’t know what happened.”

“Have you ever thought about talking to him about this Mark?” Johnny laughed.

“No,” Mark mumbled, staring at the bed, “I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore.”

There was silence for a moment after he said that. He could hear Johnny shuffling around, and he assumed he was getting out of bed so Taeil wouldn’t have to listen to their conversation, if both of them were still in bed. Considering it’s 9am in Chicago, Mark wouldn’t be surprised if Taeil was still sleeping.

“Ok, I think you’re letting it get to your head a bit.” Johnny said, “Maybe Xiaojun is just stressed about something and is removing himself from everyone. Have you asked the others if they’ve heard from him lately?”

“No,” Mark grumbled.

“Well, do that.” Johnny sighed, “And don’t take it to heart if he isn’t talking to you, because I doubt you did something to provoke that, and if you did, you’d be willing to fix it.”

Mark sighed, “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll talk to the others later and see what I can do.”

“Talk to Xiaojun too, Mark. He probably needs someone there for him.”

When the phone call ended, Mark threw his phone aside, letting his head fall backwards to stare at the ceiling. 

Hours later, Sungchan walked back in, smile clad across his face. Mark was still in bed, but he’d moved under the covers so he could curl into the mattress as much as possible.

“How was it?”

“Good,” Sungchan threw his things onto his bed, sitting beside it to stare at Mark. “I’ve always just seen Donghyuck when he’s around other people, so being alone with him was different.”

“Is that a good thing?” Mark flipped so he was facing Sungchan instead of the wall now.

“Yeah,” Sungchan sighed, hands resting on the edge of his bed. “It was nice to see him so authentically. I definitely wanna go on another date with him. How was your night?”

Mark shrugged, “Just stayed here the whole time.”

Sungchan looked around the room awkwardly. “Xiaojun didn’t come over?”

Mark shook his head, a dawning look of sadness covered his face. He felt a small drop in his chest at the mention of Xiaojun’s name.

“I don’t know what’s happening between him and I anymore,” Mark pouted, “I guess he got bored.”

Sungchan frowned, “Bored of Mark Lee is near impossible. You and I are going to his dorm tomorrow so we can settle this.”

“No,” Mark whined, tucking his head under the covers, “It’s fine Sungchan, I’ll talk to him in my own time.”

“You better.”

He slept facing the wall that night, deciding it’d help him avoid his responsibilities.

——

The next place Mark saw the boy, who holds a smile that makes his heart melt, was at another small gathering at the house that belonged to Ten, Taeyong and Doyoung. He arrived at one o’clock with Sungchan, Donghyuck and Renjun. They carpooled together, deciding it’d save them money on petrol.

It was particularly awkward to sit in a car with Sungchan and Donghyuck, as they sat at the back, lost in their own world while Renjun drove and Mark stared out the window, wondering if Xiaojun was going to be there. 

At some point, Renjun had asked him if he was okay, and he’d brushed it off with a hum. Now, he stood in their backyard beside his friends, watching Donghyuck and Doyoung fight over their beer pong teams. It was a mess, but it was funny to watch their competitiveness come to life again.

While that ensued, he focused on the conversation happening between Chenle and Jungwoo, who sat either side of him.  

“I heard from Jeno that his brother is in a bit of a ditch,” Jungwoo mumbled. “Do you think Doyoung knows?”

Everyone knew Doyoung was protective of Jeno, and anyone close to Jeno, so it just made sense for the news to find its way to him. Jeno was at their house nearly everyday if his schedule wasn’t stuffed in with classes.

Mark shrugged, “I think Jeno has it all thought out. He’ll be okay, and Jisung is already trying to move on campus.”

Jungwoo handed him a cup of something that he didn’t bother to check before downing in one sip. It burned the back of his throat, but felt good as he asked for another. Jungwoo laughed before walking away, towards Doyoung as he was selected onto the elders’ team.

Once the space Jungwoo had filled was empty, Mark turned and realised Xiaojun now occupied that space. He didn’t even realise Xiaojun was here, until he looked around and realised everyone except the two eldest were here. It reminded him of holidays when they got together, just before they left for their families.

“Hey,” Mark forced a smile, “You playing?”

Xiaojun smiled, “I don’t think I have a choice. Donghyuck is eyeing me eagerly over there.”

What?

Mark turned just in time, catching Donghyuck squinting at their interaction before turning away like a deer in headlights. He realised it wasn’t anything he should be jealous about, just Donghyuck being Donghyuck. 

He was just watching over their interaction to make sure it went alright. Caring, Mark knew he should describe it as, but he didn’t want to admit Donghyuck had a protective side to him; not when it came to him. Despite knowing that anything he told Donghyuck, the latter remembered and held onto.

“I think he’s just watching us to see if we talk or not.” Mark laughed, meeting his awkward words with a cheery smile to offer peace.

Xiaojun looked at his drink, like it was more interesting than Mark, before looking up after Donghyuck called his name. Mark watched as his best friend waved Xiaojun over, telling him he’d be a great addition to the team.

Moments later, Donghyuck was shouting his name too, telling him to get his Canadian ass over to his team before Doyoung, described as Donghyuck’s worst enemy, could steal him.

The teams were roughly split equally amongst the twenty one of them, with Doyoung winning the game of rock-paper-scissors to have an extra player. Mark remembered Donghyuck waving it off, claiming he didn’t need an extra player to snatch a win. 

On Doyoung’s team was Jungwoo, Jeno, Kun, Lucas, Taeyong, Jisung, Hendery, Yuta, Jaehyun and Shotaro; whilst Donghyuck’s team consisted of Mark, Xiaojun, Chenle, Jaemin, Renjun, Yangyang, Winwin, Sungchan and Ten. Everyone except the oldest two, almost like old times, but not quite. Mark half wished Johnny and Taeil were here right now, but he couldn’t do anything about the married couple residing in Chicago, trying to have kids in a country that was more accepting than here.

“Ok, let’s get started.” Donghyuck smiled, pushing Mark towards Xiaojun with a wink.

He stood beside the latter for a while, watching the others take their turns. Xiaojun was quiet, as he usually was these days, and Mark started to really wonder if he did something to provoke this.

“Hey, can we talk somewhere privately?” Mark whispered, loud enough for Xiaojun to hear him over the array of shouts and whines from the other boys.

Xiaojun shrugged, “Can we do it later? We’re kinda in the middle of beer pong.”

Mark sighed, “Fine.”

Beer pong was definitely more important to be attentive for than what he had to say, so he let Xiaojun off for the time being, liking the fact that it also bought him more time to think up what to say. He didn’t know how exactly to approach the problem, because he was almost convinced the problem was one-sided.

They weren’t dating, so it shouldn’t be a problem that Xiaojun has stopped coming around, right?

It shouldn’t be a problem that they used to sleep together, and lay in bed together, entangled at the limbs as kisses travelled through the air, and now Xiaojun couldn’t even glance at him for longer than a second. That should be normal, right?

Mark stood beside Sungchan, who appeared to be watching Donghyuck take his turn at getting the white balls in the cups. 

He recognised the expression on the youngers’ face. 

It was the same one he knew he sent Xiaojun when the latter had a guitar on his lap, strumming so eloquently that it made Mark feel like his skills were nothing. Things were changing in his group, he was beginning to realise that, but as he watched Xiaojun step up to the table to take his turn, he knew he didn’t want anything to change between them. He didn’t want this trust he built up with the boy to decline into nothing. 

——

“Have you seen Sungchan?” Donghyuck wandered into his room, eyebrows furrowed together.

Today was the beginning of their last week. Mark had begun to pack so he could go home for a few weeks. His parents didn’t live far from his university, as they moved from Canada years ago, so he was planning on asking someone to come with him.

“He’s at a class right now,” He answered, moving from his desk chair to the couch where Donghyuck found refuge again, grabbing a controller per usual. 

“I wanna ask if he wants to come home with me,” Donghyuck mumbled. “It’s been a few weeks since our first date and I don’t know, I think this relationship between him and I definitely started before that, we were just too blind to acknowledge it.”

Mark smiled, ruffling his hair, “Let me know how it goes.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Donghyuck started the game, handing a controller to Mark minutes ago, “You’re always the first to know about shit in my life.”

“With twenty one other friends, I’m afraid I can’t say the same.” Mark teased, focusing on the TV as Donghyuck punched him in the arm.

They continued playing games until there was a knock at the door, and Mark opened it to Jaehyun standing outside. The elder boy smiled at him, but Mark could see there was a sense of panic laced behind the friendly smile that accentuated his dimples.

“Jisung is here,” He mumbled. “We can’t find Jeno so you’re the only person I can think to call.”

“Where’s Jisung?”

“Main lounge.”

Mark nodded, telling Donghyuck to pack the game up. The younger followed Mark with a confused pout, asking what was wrong. Mark ignored him for majority of the walk, telling him he’ll explain it all later. 

Right now, he just needed to help Jisung get settled. They’d organised the move earlier in the week, but never got around to telling their close friends. Mark had decided to leave that up to Jeno. The younger obviously didn’t get around to it, or planned not to.

They walked into the main lounge together, and Mark’s heart warmed when he saw Jisung standing awkwardly next to Hendery and Jaehyun. It seemed that they were talking to him to make him comfortable with the atmosphere, but when the younger boy looked up to see Mark walking towards him, there was an elation in the way his eyes lit up and shoulders relaxed. 

The other two stepped aside to follow Jisung’s eye line, growing louder when they realised it was Mark and Donghyuck. 

“Distract them while I talk to Jisung,” Mark mumbled, pointing at the other two excited men. 

“Who’s Jisung?” Donghyuck asked with a genuine innocence behind the question. Regardless, Mark let out a sigh.

“Jeno’s brother.” He decided to say, hoping Donghyuck could take the hint. On the contrary, Jisung hasn’t changed much in his physical appearance, other than a haircut that probably made people stare and wonder, ‘Is that a boy or girl?’

“Jeno has a brother?” 

He stood in front of Jisung, pushing Donghyuck towards the other two guys. Jisung stood awkwardly smiling, looking as if he was waiting to be alone with Mark to speak. Mark pushed them towards the exit faster than Hendery could say hello to him. Then, he turned to Jisung and returned the smile before pulling the boy into a headlock. 

“How’ve you been, kiddo?” Mark ruffled his hair before releasing him, “Heard things were pretty tough. At least you’re here now, hey?”

Jisung nodded, a faint smile on his lips, pushing his hair off his forehead, “I have to sign in and get a key to my room. I don’t know how to do that though.”

Mark smiled, “Follow me.”

——

An hour later, Mark found himself inside the room that would belong to Jisung. The university had assigned him to the spare bed in Yangyang and Winwin’s room, and all four of them were busy now adjusting the room to fit three people rather than two. 

They were both happy to hear they’d be getting a new roommate, as the entire group grew to adore Jisung when they first met him as the timid, petite sibling of Jeno years ago. At first, he was like the little sister everyone decided to protect, and now, they planned to continue looking after him as their youngest brother.

“Why do you have so much stuff?” Yangyang whined, pulling in the sixth box.

“I managed to get most of my stuff out while my parents were at church,” Jisung smiled with a brave glint behind his eyes. Mark could sense the pride in his eyes as he rambled about how he got it all out, “I’m surprised they didn’t force me to attend church, but I think they were ashamed to show their face in public with me.”

Winwin wrapped him in a hug after that, pulling away to turn back to the boxes. Mark smiled at Jisung, who looked at him out of shock, evidently not used to Winwin showing affection, receiving a pat on the back from Mark before getting back to work.

After they’d emptied most of the boxes, Mark’s phone rang. His caller ID read Jeno when he pulled the phone out of his pocket.

“Hey Jen,” He answered casually.

“Where are you and Jisung?” Jeno answered, a panicked tone accompanying his words.

“We’re in Yangyang and Winwin’s room,” Mark said, “We’ve already unpacked most of the boxes, but if you want to see Jisung, come on down.”

“Right.” He hung up before Mark could say any more.

“Well,” Mark slid the phone into his pocket again. “Jeno’s on his way.”

“Party time!” Yangyang yelled, flopping onto his bed as the others laughed. 

After Jeno had arrived and nagged Jisung like the protective older brother he was, Mark decided to head back to his dorm, hoping to run by Xiaojun’s dorm if he could figure out a good excuse to show up there, in the short trip it takes from Jisung’s new dorm to Xiaojun’s one. 

He walked with his hands in his pocket, slightly bowing his head as he passed fellow classmates or professors he was acquaintanced with. As he walked to the staircase that was split in half, indicating someone to either go up the left or right flight of stairs, Mark paused. 

If he went left, he’d end up in his dorm again. But if he went right, he’d be headed to Xiaojun’s dorm.

Before he could make up his mind, someone came up behind him, clasping their hands on his shoulders.

“Mark!” He turned around to see a cheery Shotaro, “What’s up man, where are you headed?”

“Uhm,” Mark looked back at the stairs, “I don’t know actually. Where are you going?”

“Well, my dorm of course.” Shotaro bounced on his heels, stepping onto the right staircase, turning around to smile at Mark and with a tilt of his head, he asked, “You coming?”

Mark ended up in Xiaojun’s dorm after all. 

Except, Xiaojun was the only one not present. Whilst Jaehyun and Shotaro sat on their beds, with Mark awkwardly residing on Xiaojun’s, they talked up a storm. Sometimes, they switched to English, until Shotaro got sick of struggling and switched back to Korean; scolding his roommate for even beginning to speak a language to him that he wasn’t fluent in. Mark found it cute to hear Shotaro teaching Jaehyun some Japanese too.

It was comfortable, for the most part, but when it went quiet, Mark took the time to acknowledge his environment. He was in Xiaojun’s bed, without Xiaojun. That, to him, was weird.

It still smelled the same as the countless times he’s previously been in the bed. Xiaojun had a weird mixture of smells to him, but Mark always thought it was unique. He’d never come across a man who simultaneously smelt like he was doused in the deodorant men use when they don’t shower, and the rose perfumes advertised for women. Mark wondered if Xiaojun had any indications of how he smelled, floating around his head to appreciate if he ever missed Mark.

That was another thing that made Mark wonder. Did Xiaojun miss him? Has Xiaojun ever missed him before?

The door opened as Jaehyun continued ranting about how the uni cafeteria was out of his favourite after class snack, with Shotaro offering sharp remarks like, “You need to stop eating those anyway, I heard they give you indigestion.” and Mark sat up to see Xiaojun walking in, bag slung across his shoulder.

“Oh, hey Mark.” He breathed, sitting on the bed, at the opposite end of Mark.

He deflated at the way Xiaojun kept his distance, but still offered a smile and small ‘hey’ before looking at Jaehyun and Shotaro’s curious stares. 

“I heard what happened with Jisung,” Xiaojun broke the silence, “Are you alright?”

Mark smiled, nodding his head with a little less hesitancy. He looked at the other two again, realising they’d stopped staring and had reverted back to their own conversation. Shotaro moved off his bed to join Jaehyun on his, whispering quietly to him about God knows what. Those two were attached at the hip, always gossiping about something.

“I’m gonna head to the library for a bit.” Xiaojun announced, looking at Mark with a hesitant smile, “Join me?”

He’d never sprung to his feet upon a request so far. It was a magical feeling to know Xiaojun actually wanted to spend time with him.

They exited the room together, with Mark towing behind Xiaojun to close the door. He rushed to walk in time with Xiaojun’s pace, feeling a faint smile linger on his lips. They passed multiple dorm rooms that Mark knew belonged to Xiaojun friends, but he didn’t stop to talk to any of them. He began to wonder why he’d even gone to his dorm if he was going to leave again so soon.

“Hey, so,” Mark watched Xiaojun’s side profile as they walked, mesmerised by it, “We’re okay, right?”

Xiaojun turned to him for a moment, still walking faster than Mark could keep up with without breaking a sweat, “Yeah.”

That was all he said, accompanied with a nod. Mark nodded back, mumbling a small ok before focusing on the path ahead of him again. They ended up in the library in no time, and Mark kept following Xiaojun as he ventured through the several aisles, weaving in and out until they ended up at the back, the space notorious for students who wanted to make out with each other escaped to.

Mark’s face pulled together at all ends, wondering why they were here of all places in the library. He thought Xiaojun perhaps wanted to borrow a book or do some uni work, that’s why he had his bag, right?

“What are we doing here?” Mark asked, looking behind him to see if anyone was following. 

When he turned back around, he hardly had a chance to refocus his vision on Xiaojun before hands were cupping his face, pulling him in to meet another pair of lips.

Xiaojun kissed him with so much intensity, Mark felt his back eventually hit the wall as Xiaojun persisted, holding him tenderly despite exploring his mouth in a way that made Mark feel hot all over.

When they broke apart, a line of saliva connected them for an extra second. Mark wanted to find it gross but couldn’t when their eyes locked and Xiaojun had an endearing sparkle in his eyes that Mark had seen one too many times. Xiaojun inspected Mark’s wide eyes, asking him what the hell just happened.

“I’m sorry,” Xiaojun started, “I know I’ve been ignoring you for a while now. I just wanted you to know that it's all over now.”

“By dragging me here and kissing me instead of providing a worded explanation?” Mark laughed.

Xiaojun tilted his head, also letting out a laugh. Mark bit his lip as he watched Xiaojun’s frame shake from laughter, admiring the toothy smile and sparkly eyes that came along with it. He was sure he could stay there forever, enclosed by Xiaojun’s arms, without a care in the world for an explanation as long as his lips were on Xiaojun’s.

He curled his fingers around the material of Xiaojun’s shirt on his waist, leaning in to tease the other with another kiss but pausing just before their lips met. He hovered there for a moment, feeling like he could get high off how their breaths mingled from proximity.

“Why’ve you been avoiding me?” He asked.

Xiaojun’s smile dropped into a sad frown, making Mark’s grip on his shirt grow tighter. Their eyes locked again as Xiaojun began to speak. 

Mark focused on his eyes, feeling safe and vulnerable simultaneously under the intense tension caused by their eyes never breaking away from each others’. It was like heaven and hell all at once.

“My mum has been in hospital for a few months.” He mumbled, “She’s reaching her last days, and I knew if I didn’t visit her, I’d regret it.”

Mark felt guilt twist around his stomach, “Oh Xiaojun. I’m so sorry. Did you tell anyone about this?”

He broke eye contact with Mark, a lump forming in his throat. Mark moved his hands from his waist to around his neck, pulling him in close so his head tucked under Mark’s neck. He held him there for a few minutes until he started to feel something wet on his shirt.

“Oh, Xiaojun.” Mark empathised, putting a hand in his hair, raking his fingers along the latters’ scalp, “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

“No, you don’t get it.” Xiaojun cried, “I don’t care if she dies. I hate her. I said I’d regret it, because my family would hate me if I didn’t visit her in her dying days.”

Mark was stunned for a moment, before continuing to stroke Xiaojun’s head, eyes fixed on the wall ahead of him. His tears were slowing at the action, but Mark just wanted him to let it all out. All those emotions didn’t have any business bringing Xiaojun down.

“Can I ask why you hate her?” He whispered.

“She kicked me out when I came out,” He choked out. “I never told anyone that I had to live on the streets for a while, couch surf sometimes even, thanks to her. I only escaped homelessness when my aunty found out and took me in. She didn’t believe it was right to kick your child out, no matter what, but she wasn’t approving of me being gay either. Just made sure I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach until I was old enough to move out.”

Mark listened with a heavy heart, wondering how anyone could do this to someone. It hurt even more to hear that it happened to someone he holds dearly in his heart.

“My family would blow up on me if I didn’t show up at least once.”

“Did your mother even have anything to say to you?”

Xiaojun sniffled at the question, but didn’t release more tears, much to Mark’s relief. He didn’t know if he could handle Xiaojun crying again. Despite wanting him to let it all out, his heart sank when Xiaojun had cried against him, gripping onto him like letting go would mean the end of the world.

“She told me she was sorry,” He mumbled slowly, as if he didn’t even believe it himself. “Stuff about lost time and regret, but I couldn’t forgive her. I was only fifteen.”

“When she kicked you out?”

He nodded against Mark’s chest, and Mark’s grip tightened at the same time. He suddenly felt incredibly guilty for all the questions he had regarding whether Xiaojun still liked him or not.

“I wish you had told me sooner,” Mark mumbled, “But I’m glad you’ve told me now. I missed you like crazy, and now I just want to make sure you know I’m always your shoulder to lean on if you’ll allow it.”

Xiaojun cracked a smile, loosely wrapping his arms around Mark’s waist. It felt right, holding him close. Xiaojun’s head rested in the crook between his chin and collarbones, and he fit so perfectly, it was like Mark was designed to allow space for Xiaojun to fit in his every crevice.

When Xiaojun pulled away, Mark had the chance to observe his features up close again. He hadn’t changed much since Mark last observed him, but he was still able to notice a few changes to his face.

An old scar had faded even more, his facial hair was more prominent, his cheekbones looked hollower than before, but above all, his eyes shone with an excitement that Mark had missed so dearly. When they regularly saw each other, Mark would chase after the excitement in Xiaojun’s eyes, finding it so easy to push the latter over the edge that turned the expression in his eyes from lustful to excited.

He really didn’t realise how much you could miss something until you got it back. The feelings of familiarity rushing back in the form of excitement and hope for a better beginning.

“How about next time you go to the hospital, if there’s a next time, you take me with you?” Mark asked, sitting beside Xiaojun as they entered the part of the library that was simply for lounging and relaxing.

Xiaojun looked at him with wide eyes, “Why would you want to come with me?”

Mark shrugged, “You said you hate going. Wouldn’t my presence make it more bearable?”

Xiaojun broke into an adorable smile that would’ve made Mark smile too if he wasn’t confused as to why Xiaojun was smiling at him for that question. He just genuinely wanted to go with and make Xiaojun’s visit to the woman, who failed to be a parent to him, enjoyable in even the slightest.

After Xiaojun continued smiling at him, failing to provide a yes or no answer, Mark leaned closer, nudging him with his elbow.

“Is that a yes or no?” He pouted, failing to stop the smile from spreading across his face as he dropped his eyes back and forth between Xiaojun’s eyes and lips.

Xiaojun leaned in, placing a chaste kiss on his lips, “That’s a yes.”

Mark leaned away again, embarrassed blush spreading across his face so quickly he felt the heat as soon as Xiaojun’s lips left his. He looked around the lounge, hoping none of his friends were also in there.

They knew about Xiaojun and him messing around, but that kiss was more than messing around. That kiss was something. But Mark decided that talk was for another day. They didn’t need labels, not yet Mark thought, not ever despite wanting nothing more than to hold Xiaojun’s hand and call him his boyfriend.

He wanted to take Xiaojun home and introduce him to his accepting parents, helping the boy find comfort in adult figures who not only accepted his sexuality but cherished it. Mark’s parents were the definition of moral support, and despite having a huge presence in the local church that Mark had heard many unwanted comments from, they’ve always been accepting of what society deems abnormal. 

Mark was lucky. 

Most of his friends had parents who shoved them aside, denying the possibility of them fitting outside of society’s norm, whilst his begged him for details regarding crushes if they knew he had one, and were always ready to support him. They knew about him and Xiaojun and were constantly asking if Mark had asked him out yet; always disappointed when Mark answered no.

He wanted Xiaojun to have that, especially after learning he was kicked out so young for it. He knew his parents would be nice without knowing this, but if they knew, they’d shower Xiaojun in parental love, helping him have what his parents made him miss out on.

When Mark scanned the library again as they fell into a comfortable silence, he found a few gaping heads ducking behind a library shelf to avoid being spotted. He sighed, nudging Xiaojun again.

“We’ve got some fans over there,” He mumbled, standing up and walking to the shelf he saw his friends hide behind. 

When he got there with Xiaojun behind him, in front of him was Shotaro, Jaehyun and Sungchan, all trying their best to run away without toppling over each other. They failed as Mark stopped them in their tracks, biting back a laugh as they turned around to reveal their guilt-ridden faces.

“We weren’t eavesdropping, I swear!” Sungchan said, earning a flick to the back of the head from Shotaro.

“You don’t tell someone you weren’t eavesdropping on them,” Shotaro sighed, “That’s code for we were eavesdropping but we don’t want you to think we were.”

Mark laughed, not finding it in him to be mad at his friends.

“How about next time you want to know what’s going on between Xiaojun and I, you just ask?” He suggested, waving his hands at them to get off the ground. 

“Well then, are you guys dating yet?” Jaehyun smiled, winking at both of them. Xiaojun scoffed behind him, while Mark blushed again. So much for not being obvious about his feelings.

“We’re not,” Xiaojun said, “But if you want us to so badly, we can.”

Mark turned to him, “We can?”

Xiaojun shrugged. “Do you want to?”

Mark looked away again, eyeing his three friends. They looked ready to celebrate, but Mark knew there was nothing to celebrate. 

“Let’s not discuss this in front of them.” Mark chose to say, wanting to be careful with his words. “The whole world will know if we let them hear it.”

The others grumbled, decisively walking away to let them discuss it privately. Mark didn’t expect that to happen, so now he stood next to Xiaojun, trying to avoid looking into his eyes. 

It was too soon to make anything official. Xiaojun didn’t even want anything to be official, so he didn’t know why he was standing here, wondering if they could be official.

“I was just joking Mark,” Xiaojun laughed, patting his arm, “Don’t look so constipated at the thought of dating me.”

Mark opened his mouth to object, to let his feelings out into the open, but Xiaojun beat him to it, placing a finger in front of his lips to silence him.

“It’s okay,” Xiaojun smiled bitterly, “I wouldn’t want to date me either really. Just save me the rejection so we can still have this little thing going.”

Before Mark could attempt to object again, Xiaojun was walking away, pushing the library doors open so fast, Mark heard the slam of it before he could even tell his feet to start moving. He couldn’t believe what just happened.

How could Xiao Dejun, the guy who he’s been head over heels for for several months, just assume that he was going to reject him, as if Mark was using him for a casual friend with benefits kind of thing?

Mark had to make this right, but he found himself trudging to Donghyuck’s dorm instead. He wanted a friend to rant to, rather than a dejected Xiaojun to catch and reveal his feelings to. He lost all motivation to want Xiaojun to know about his feelings. He knew Xiaojun was just going to disregard it or think it was a pity act to save him from rejection.

He exited the library, walking the familiar route to Donghyuck’s dorm, knowing his best friend was always the person he could turn to when he needed to talk until his brain was tired. 

Donghyuck was one of the best people he knew when it came to listening. He remembered tiny details that others didn’t even listen to, and made you feel like you could talk for hours without being ignored or interrupted.

It was why Mark sometimes lost sleep from staying up to talk to Donghyuck. He was always there, and Mark was grateful for that.

He knocked on the door once he arrived, frustrated tears beginning to build up as he heard shuffling around the room. The door opened seconds later, revealing a shocked Donghyuck. Mark heard a voice behind him that caught his attention.

“Is Xiaojun here?” His voice croaked. Donghyuck nodded, moving out of the way to reveal Xiaojun sitting beside Renjun, head on the youngers’ shoulder. Mark watched Xiaojun’s shoulders shake as Renjun looked at him with a disappointed look Mark never thought he’d see from his younger friend.

He pushed the tears away, walking towards the pair. He wasn’t going to waste another chance to tell Xiaojun how he feels.

“Can I speak to him?” Mark reached his hand out for Xiaojun to take, but lowered it again when it was left hanging.

“I don’t think you two should be alone right now,” Renjun lectured. “You’re too dangerous for each other.”

“Dangerous?” Mark mumbled, looking at Donghyuck who shrugged in return.

The room felt cold as Xiaojun kept his body close to Renjun, refusing to look Mark in the eye. He felt estranged from the boy again, even though he was right in front of him. He didn’t like one bit of this.

He looked at Donghyuck again, eyes begging for help while Donghyuck looked like a deer in headlights, mouth gaping like a fish.

“How can I fix this?” He sat beside Xiaojun, allowing space for the latter to lean onto him when he was ready.

Xiaojun moved his head off Renjun’s shoulder, looking into Mark’s eyes. They held eye contact like that, ignoring anything outside each others’ eyes. That feeling of safety came back for a split second, but fleeted away again instantly. Mark thought about how this felt like the opposite of danger, about how Renjun was jumping to conclusions, and how he just wanted Xiaojun in his arms already.

“I’m sorry,” Mark mumbled, “Am I missing something here?”

Xiaojun looked away, “I think you should just go.”

He tried to protest, wanting to figure out what was so wrong, but Renjun beat him to it. 

“He said you should go, Mark.” 

Helplessly, he glanced at his best friend before leaving with his head hung low. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? Go back to his dorm and mope or move on from someone who’s acting like he just ran his grandma over?

As he walked down the hallway, he heard quick footsteps behind him, and soon Donghyuck was walking beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“Hey, hey,” Donghyuck whispered, “I’m sorry dude. I don’t know what just happened either, but I’m here for you, okay?”

Mark nodded, leaning against Donghyuck’s shoulder as they walked down the stairs, towards Mark’s dorm.

“How about you and I spend tonight getting Xiaojun off your mind?” Donghyuck suggested as they approached his door, “I can run back to my room and gather up all the snacks I have and bring them down here. Then we can combine my snacks with yours, and spend all night playing video games or watching sad movies on Netflix.”

Mark smiled, opening his dorm door, “Yeah. That sounds good.”

He walked inside, flopping onto his bed as Sungchan looked at him from across the room. A raised eyebrow and quick eye gestures with Donghyuck was enough for his roommate to understand that he was upset.

“Hey Markie,” Donghyuck smiled, “How about we invite a few people to join us tonight? Sungchan, are you free to waste your night in front of TV with snacks that are definitely not healthy for you?”

He shrugged, placing his phone on the bed, “I’ve got nothing better to do. Plus I’ll be here all night, so I don’t really have a choice.”

“Great!” Donghyuck yelled, leaning over to peck Sungchan’s lips, “I’m going to run by Jeno’s dorm and see if they want to join too.”

Mark let out a small groan to assert his agreement as Donghyuck ran out of the room, yelling at Sungchan to keep Mark occupied.

“Man, why are you so bummed out?” Sungchan asked, picking his phone up again, “Is this about Xiaojun again? Mark, I swear if this is about him—”

“Can you shush for one second about him?” Mark snapped, “Be my friend for one night, not my therapist.” He mumbled into his pillow.

Mark felt light when Sungchan let out a chuckle at his words, feeling his stomach rumble against the bed as he allowed himself to laugh along. Tonight was his to let go of all the angst and desire he holds for Xiaojun, saving it for tomorrow when he’d go back to being Mark, rather than a mopey university student who was wasting precious study time to hang with friends and be free from stress for a few hours.

“Nothing bad happened though, right?” Sungchan asked after the laughter died down, concern laced through his voice with screwed up eyebrows.

Mark turned his head over so he could have a view of his roommate instead of the bland wall, smiling at him to reassure everything was fine. Because everything had to be fine. Mark couldn’t afford to fall into a slump when he leaves for his parents’ house two nights from now. 

Asking Xiaojun to come with him seemed to be out of the picture now.

When Donghyuck came back, Jungwoo, Jeno and Jaemin followed behind him. The three J’s, Mark laughed. His best friend ushered them off their beds, and onto the couch, where they realised six people couldn’t possibly fit comfortably.

“Um,” Donghyuck stared at the couch, “Okay, so maybe we didn’t really think this through.” He trailed off with a hint of disappointment that made Sungchan reach forward to squeeze his hand. It was a moment shared between the two that felt personal, so Mark looked away, focusing on his other friends instead.

“How about we just pull a few chairs up?” Hope hinted through his voice, eyes turning to Jungwoo who communicated with his eyes to indicate to him to take over. 

“This couch has room for three people.” Mark started, pointing at the three obvious seats, “Jungwoo and I can take two, Jeno and Jaemin can share one and Donghyuck and Sungchan can take chairs. Sound good?”

“Why do we have to use chairs?” Donghyuck whined, “This is my room!”

“This is not your room.” They chorused back, laughing at his pout. 

“Well I’m here everyday so it basically is now!” They laughed again at his antics. Mark appreciated his best friend for easily taking the stress off his mind.

Eventually, they all sat in front of the TV, with Donghyuck on Mark’s desk chair and Sungchan on his own chair while Mark sat in between Jungwoo and his two younger friends. Jaemin sat atop Jeno’s lap, leaning against his chest with his head under Jeno’s chin. It was so cute, but Mark tried his best to not think about the fact that he was surrounded by two couples while Xiaojun sat in another room, not wanting to talk to him at all.

The movie started, but Mark had trouble focusing as he delved deeper into the prospect that, maybe, Xiaojun doesn’t want to be with him. Was that why he said Mark would never date someone like him? 

Mark wondered, why else would he say that? 

“Hey, Mr. Think-A-Lot,” Donghyuck called out from his chair, which was now beside Jungwoo, “You’re not paying attention to the movie, or eating any of the snacks that I brought!” He pointed at the snacks in the hands of Jaemin and Jungwoo, indicating that Mark should be eating from them.

“Sorry,” Mark shoved his hand in the bowl of popcorn Jungwoo was holding, “Sorry. Thanks Hyuck.”

He focused on the movie again, watching the people move across the screen. He had no idea what was happening, but concluded that the protagonist was a bit of an asshole. Mark watched as they kept going back to the same girl, asking for hookup upon hookup whilst leading her on by treating her like his girlfriend. 

Mark noticed the look in the girls’ eye whenever he asked for another night alone; she wanted to say no, but said yes instead, wanting him although not wanting to be friends with benefits.

“Why doesn’t the guy stop being blind to his feelings and just tell the girl that he wants to get together?” Jungwoo whined.

“Maybe the guy is scared that he’ll be rejected,” Mark butted in. “Maybe, the guy thinks the girl doesn’t like him as much as he likes her.”

——

His alarm went off at eight am, two days later, just like it did every morning. Sungchan groaned, moving around his bed to locate the noise.

“Mark, turn your stupid fucking alarm off.” He groaned, “It’s too early for this.”

Mark rushed out of the bathroom, walking to his phone with a hairbrush in hand. He turned the alarm off before sliding the phone into his pocket, facing Sungchan to apologise. “Sorry.” He shrugged.

“That’s all you have to say for waking me up at, what—” Sungchan glanced at the time on his own phone, “At eight am on a Tuesday. A Tuesday, dude! You know I have no classes on a Tuesday.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I have to be somewhere important in the next twenty minutes so stop whining and go back to sleep. I’ll be back later, make sure you get breakfast at a reasonable hour.” He headed for the bathroom again, throwing the brush before grabbing a jacket off the couch on his way out.

“Where are you headed?” Sungchan asked, wrapping himself in blankets again. 

“Across campus.” Mark shoved his phone in his jacket pocket. “There’s a seminar that Xiaojun asked me to attend months ago. I can’t miss it.”

“Are you freaking kidding me Mark?” Sungchan sat up, “You’re still going to that despite the hurt he caused you?”

Sungchan’s tone felt accusatory. Mark didn’t like that.

“That’s unfair.” He responded, standing by Sungchan’s bed with a frown. “You have no idea what happened, or why I felt that way. Don’t hold him accountable when he did nothing wrong.”

“If I ask Donghyuck what happened and he tells me Xiaojun did anything bad, I’m personally attending that seminar to pull you out of it.”

Mark faked a laugh, “You won’t be able to attend when you’re too busy sleeping.” He pushed the younger against his pillows again, “Now sleep.”

As he left the room, he heard Sungchan shout after him, something along the lines of ‘I will show up Lee!’ making him laugh as he walked down the hall. 

The seminar was on the other side of campus, but Mark knew the perfect route to get there in the quickest way possible. He had the set-up of the campus practically mapped out in his head like the design was his own. He knew he wouldn’t stay too long, as he was leaving for his parents' place later but he wanted to attend for Xiaojun’s sake. After all, this seminar seemed really important to the latter.

As he approached the building, he watched groups of people flock through the same door he was about to walk through. No sight of Xiaojun though. He decided to not make a big deal of that, entering the building behind a group of girls he recognised from his music performance class. Different to music theory, as he didn’t have to lug his guitar from his dorm to the classroom slash theatre just to play for a few minutes in front of exhausted kids and an inattentive professor in his music theory class. Mark was glad he loved what he studied, or he’d definitely have dropped out by now and be a sad adult in his parents’ basement.

Mark found an empty seat at one of the many circular tables, positioned next to the wall. He wasn’t bothered by his lack of company, but felt immensely grateful when he saw Yangyang approach him and sit down.

“Heya Mark,” He greeted, sitting opposite him, “What brings you here?”

“Xiaojun invited me.” He smiled, wondering if Xiaojun told his best friend about that.

“Oh, did he?” Yangyang smiled awkwardly, “I thought he said he forgot to ask you.”

“He asked quite a while ago,” Mark nodded, wanting to break the awkward tension, “I figured the invite was still up there.”

Yangyang nodded too, smiling kindly at the latter. Despite being older, Mark felt like Yangyang was observing him for something, almost like he was being babysat. He recalled when he was younger and his mother had hired him a babysitter, recognising Yangyang’s gaze as similar to his ex-babysitter who he hasn’t seen since he was just a small middle schooler with too much energy to contain. 

“So, where is Xiaojun?” He asked, looking for topics to break the silence.

“He’s backstage,” Yangyang said, smile not leaving his lips, “Just wait some time and he’ll be here. I’m gonna head to the banquet table for a little bit.”

“Uh, okay.” Mark watched him walk off. 

He was beginning to wish Sungchan was here, not to pull him out, but to make him feel less lonely. Best friends were good for that, but Donghyuck would most likely run off with Yangyang, too distracted by his own excitement that arose in the presence of Yangyang to cater to Mark. Sungchan, on the other hand, was better at reading when someone wanted to be left alone or accompanied. Maybe he should text both of them to come. 

Before he could pull his phone out, the lights dimmed and someone stepped on the stage.

His heart was in chest when he thought it was Xiaojun, but surely enough, he would have to wait a bit longer for that excitement. The man walked to a small lectern placed in the middle of the stage; close to the front row but at least three to four small steps higher. Mark felt like if he sat any closer than he was, his neck would hurt from having to look upwards at an awkward angle for so long. He felt sorry for the necks of the people at the very front.

Mark listened to the man begin to talk, introducing the main thesis of the event today. He’d never asked Xiaojun what the event would be about, merely agreeing as they laid together on the latters’ bed, hands and legs intertwined. He realises now he probably should’ve asked a few more questions.

“Our first performers will be Kang Seulgi and Bae Joohyun, the top students in this years’ contemporary dance class. They will perform a piece together that they’ve prepared for their end of year assessment and hope the audience enjoy the routine that they have carefully choreographed themselves. Please welcome, Kang Seulgi and Bae Joohyun.” The audience erupted in applause, prompting Mark to join in.

He didn’t know Seulgi and Joohyun that well, being more on the musician side of the university’s campus rather than the dance side, but word spreads fast and he’s heard many things about the pair in the past. They were always in the practice room, volunteering to teach younger classes. Mark even heard a few rumours about whether they were dating or if they were just extremely close friends. 

He focused on the dance as it began, appreciating how beautifully languid the performance was. The amount of precision and strength the girls showed to dance slowly and in time with every beat was amazing; there was no doubt they were at the top of their class. 

When it ended, they bowed and ran backstage again, disappearing behind the curtains positioned side stage. Mark wondered who was next. 

He lifted his drink to his lips as someone stepped on stage, guitar attached to them via a strap that rested on their left shoulder. They held a mic in their hand, smiling at the audience as the lights circled around them. Mark nearly dropped his drink.

Nothing was said by Xiaojun. He started his performance immediately, a bow and charming smile being his only greeting to the crowd. Mark wondered what happened to the presenter and why Xiaojun began without being introduced.

The song Xiaojun sang was soft and elegant. Mark found himself focused solely on the man on stage, feeling flushed when he discovers that Xiaojun looks different from afar than he does up close. From here, Mark couldn’t see the freckles on Xiaojun’s face and the faint smile lines that told everyone how often Xiaojun smiled. 

He listened to the lyrics, feeling his heart sitting in his throat as Xiaojun made eye contact with him, wondering if the song was about him. Xiaojun sang about a love that he was chasing, wondering if he’d ever get close enough to hold the person in his grasp without seeing them leave hours later. Mark knows whenever they spent time together, it never lasted. 

Recently, he felt like there was a wall between the two, interrupting their communication. As Xiaojun watched him from the stage, Mark looked away, suddenly wanting to leave. He recognised the song as the one Xiaojun had been working on for months; listening to Xiaojun sing about how the person loved to steal his hoodies. 

Mark knew no one else touched Xiaojun’s hoodies.

Xiaojun ended the song as Mark dashed out of the place, running into Yangyang on his way out.

“Hey Mark,” Yangyang smiled. “Wait where are you going?”

Mark tried to run past the boy but he grabbed his arm and held him there till Mark faced him. Yangyang’s eyes widened slightly at Mark’s frightened expression. 

“I need to go.” Mark mumbled, running out as Yangyang’s grip loosened.

He knew Xiaojun would chase after him later. He knew Xiaojun was watching him run out. Right now he just needed to get home and let himself breathe. He wasn’t prepared for that seminar to be Xiaojun’s way of confessing to him.

“Mark!” He was heading towards the pavement that would lead him back to his dorm when he saw Sungchan running towards him.

“Why are you here?” He stopped in front of the taller boy, turning around to see Yangyang hadn’t followed him.

“Is the seminar done?” Sungchan asked, holding something in his hand.

Mark scratched the back of his neck, “Uh, not really but I’m done with it. What’s in your hand?”

“It’s for you.” Sungchan handed it over, “It was at the door when I left. I don’t know who it’s from and I haven’t opened it.” He appeared out of breath for a moment. “I’m heading to a restaurant now for a date with Donghyuck, so I’ll see you tonight?”

Mark pocketed the letter, “Yeah. See you tonight.” 

They parted ways again and Mark disappeared down the path back to his dorm. The letter sat on his desk for a few hours as he studied till his brain hurt. He called his parents and told them he’d only be able to come tomorrow or in a few days; briefly stating that something had come up that meant he had to stay in his dorm. He didn’t trust himself to drive alone for hours with Xiaojun’s confession on his mind.

He assumed Xiaojun would chase him up sometime tonight, but when it got close to seven o’clock and he was still alone in his dorm, he stared at the letter till he was ripping it open and unfolding the paper desperately. 

It was from Xiaojun, in neat cursive writing that Mark had to squint to understand some words. As he finished the letter, tears pricked in the corners of his eyes and he had to sacrifice the clean hoodie he was wearing to wipe it away. He was wearing Xiaojun’s hoodie, unsure if that was right when he was running away all over again.

A soft knock came at his door moments later. Mark assumed it was Sungchan so he opened the door immediately, trying to hide the fact that he was crying moments ago.

“Can we talk?” Xiaojun said, standing on the opposite side of the door.

Mark felt the tears begin to form again, pulling Xiaojun into a hug without saying anything. He felt Xiaojun’s arms wrap around his waist as he tucked his face securely into Xiaojun’s neck.

“Let’s not talk,” Mark mumbled, “Let’s just be with each other.”

Xiaojun ushered them into the room, closing the door and placing both of them on Mark’s bed. A hand caressed his cheek and wiped away the tears, prompting Mark to cry more. 

He was right where he always wanted to be.

“I love you,” Xiaojun started, one hand on his leg and the other on Mark’s face. “And you can’t keep running from your feelings.”

Mark stared at the boy, trying to suppress the sobs that boiled up his chest. 

“Let me do the talking.” Xiaojun smiled, cupping Mark’s face with both hands to place a small kiss on his nose. “I love you so much Mark. I want to be with you. I don’t want to see you hurting and I definitely don’t want to be the reason for hurting you.”

“You don’t hurt me,” Mark mumbled.

“Just let me apologise.” Xiaojun smiled bittersweetly. “That night, I should’ve let you explain yourself.”

“How do you even know what I was going to say?” Mark wanted to laugh but the moment felt so fragile, he didn’t want to shatter it.

“Donghyuck yelled at me for jumping to conclusions,” Xiaojun’s smile grew wider. “He told me you’ve been wanting to be with me for months now, and proceeded to shout at Renjun for turning you away. He kinda scared me a little.”

Mark couldn’t hold back his laugh. Xiaojun let a small chuckle go too, hands now in Mark’s on the elders’ lap. 

“Seems that we’re both on the same page then.” Mark lifted his head, eyes shifting from their intertwined hands to Xiaojun’s sparkly eyes. “There’s nothing I want more than to be able to love you freely.”

“Then do it.” Xiaojun mumbled, “Be mine Mark. I’ll be yours too.”

Mark wanted to stay in that moment forever to relish in how his throat grew tight and cheeks grew red, while Xiaojun leaned forward to kiss him slowly. They’d kissed before many times, but this kiss resonated the start of something new.

The start of a love they chased and finally caught.