Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There was something to be said about the catharsis of chaos and that specific joy found only in the crude. Most of the time, Amethyst reveled in such things. Her pastimes, her personality, everything down to the thoughtfully unkempt state of her clothes and room owed itself to the gallery of disarray she curated that was quintessentially her. Yet still despite this, a moment would come every so often that even Amethyst’s tempestuous nature couldn’t contend with.

An indifferent wind cut through to her core, tossing her hair around her as she sat on the roof looking out at the sea. The soft white disc of the moon’s reflection danced gently on the water, creating with its skybound twin the image of two sanctuaries of light amidst a well of uncommonly starless dark. They lit up the strip of beach below her an ethereal blue, its amicable glow in cruel contrast with the bitterly cold gusts of air surging forth from over the water. 

From her spot leaning back on her arms upon the shingles Amethyst sighed, feeling a familiar ache in her chest. The sight of the iridescent ring of the moon and the sparkling turquoise sand in one of her few quiet moments alone were all it took to remind her of everything she was so adept at keeping buried away. And who could blame her? She herself thrived in messy chaos, but nights like that one which brimmed with unfiltered melancholic beauty positively radiated the energy of someone else. Amethyst could just imagine Pearl dancing beside the waves as elegant and poised as always, her sailing form gilded in the silver moonlight as she spun adeptly, landing in one moment lighter than a feather and another ferociously enough to send winding cascades of sand flying up beside her. Pearl eluded description, regardless of how often Amethyst found herself inadvertently trying to put a word to the baffling perfection of the other gem. Smart, graceful, precise, loyal, caring, tragic, relentless, anxious, breathtaking-- Amethyst shook her head. Pearl was all of those things and so much more, but she’d already recited that list in her mind more times than she could count.

Definitely not “secretly in love with her teammate.” Her inner voice hissed before she could stop it. Amethyst ground her teeth in irritation at her thoughts for so often leading her back to the same woes in her moments alone. That description sure does have me pegged though…

She wasn’t sure quite when it had begun, but the sensation of these feelings bubbling just under the surface was something she had almost convinced herself she was used to by now. It had taken her longer than she’d have liked to admit to understand what romantic relationships were even supposed to be like, and longer still to realize that the strange warm glow she felt from inside whenever Pearl smiled at her was actually exactly that. Looking back, Amethyst couldn't help but chuckle at how naive she had been at first. Having only seen romantic feelings expressed from Garnet who rarely unfused for any reason, and between Pearl and Rose who were (at least, seemingly to her at the time) dedicated to each other beyond compare, Amethyst had assumed for a significant portion of her life that you couldn’t fall for someone who was already in a relationship--especially within groups of close friends. After all, that would make things exponentially more complicated and miserable for everyone involved, what would be the point?

 And then Greg came along and shattered her conception of what romance was entirely. 

Honestly, I’m freakin’ glad I stayed a dumb kid until then… She thought, running a hand through her hair. It was true that the whispering sting in her heart had been there all along, but she had a good idea of how much worse it could have been with the actualization of the word jealousy. 

Things didn’t seem like they were falling apart at first when Greg arrived; the regard any of the crystal gems gave him looked (at least from Amethyst’s perspective) like nothing more than the same casual curiosity one gives an unusual flower or a crab roaming the sands. At least that’s how she thought of it until one evening after the human man had been visiting Rose for a month or two when she had stumbled across Pearl sobbing by the lighthouse after the tall pink-haired gem and her smaller organic companion had run off to have fun in town. Upon being discovered, Pearl had started as if to pretend she was alright and walk it off, but found she didn’t have the energy to resist after Amethyst darted over to comfort her and ask her why she was upset. In a moment of unbridled honesty and vulnerability that Amethyst still remembered as if it were yesterday, Pearl had whispered between choked breaths that Rose was in love with Greg and that although the pink gem wouldn’t say the words out loud, it was clear that there was no room for her in Rose’s life anymore. It was in that moment that the understanding clicked for Amethyst. There were no universal rules about love and people could fall in and out of it all the time and with anyone. Relationships could be turbulent, messy things, and not in the fun way. This was the kind of turbulent and messy where people got hurt. All of a sudden a part of Amethyst simply knew that what Pearl was going through now was something that she had been feeling for some time. She wouldn’t have told Pearl why even if she’d had the words to, but in that instant Amethyst collapsed next to the other gem and embraced her with tears streaming down her face. 

Things had shifted after that--the time Pearl spent with her and Garnet seemed to be increasing by the day--but Pearl’s insecurity and despair lingered in the air over any moments they shared. Although Amethyst worried continuously about her wellbeing, Garnet advised her that it would be best to involve herself in the situation as little as possible. It was a complicated and delicate matter that could prove unforgiving to even the most well meaning intervention. Of course, an even greater change followed soon after with the announcement of Rose’s pregnancy and her consequential parting. Pearl was nearly inconsolable, a dull eyed shell of herself that disappeared for weeks on end to where Amethyst couldn’t guess and Garnet wouldn’t tell. 

That first year or two after Rose left was a blur, but what she remembered most clearly was being furious at her two friends. She wanted to scream at Pearl that losing Rose was incredibly hard for them all and that the best thing they could do was to be there for each other, and she wanted to scream at Garnet to stop acting like she knew what was best for all of them and let her go after Pearl. Of course even she could tell that doing either would only make things much worse within the group, so she often found herself wandering back to the Prime Kindergarten. It was the only place Amethyst knew of that was guaranteed to have complete privacy where she could curl into herself and cry for as long as she needed in order to be able put on a smile in the rare case that Pearl had come home and wanted to have at least some semblance of normal. 

Months went by and although Pearl gradually stayed around the others for longer and longer periods at a time, there never was a moment where Amethyst was sure she was going to be ok. Looking back, the younger quartz was fairly certain the only thing that genuinely managed to pull her out of her spiral was Steven coming to live with them. The acclimation had taken time on everyone’s end, but Amethyst noticed that watching out for Steven gave Pearl direction in a way that neither she nor Garnet had been able to on their own since Rose left. 

It was during these first few years of Steven living with the gems that a spark of optimism grew within Amethyst. Pearl was seeming happier than she had seen her in several years, taking pride again in both their missions to capture corrupted gems and raising the young human child in their care. More than a few times on missions Pearl even suggested that Amethyst fuse with her, an event that the purple gem took untold comfort in. For a short while, her wide-eyed younger self was beginning to believe that in this new era of their lives maybe she had a chance at something more with Pearl. Garnet had once told her that the best way to get someone to like you is to be yourself, and so Amethyst decided to be as unabashedly Amethyst as she could. She let herself be loud, bold, crass, fun, especially when Pearl was around. The sinking feeling of humiliation and misery she felt when Pearl only gave her a revulsed look and chastised her immaturity whenever she let herself go was something she had only recently escaped. It was back then that Amethyst officially resolved that her feelings for Pearl were something she’d either have to bury--or, more favorably, kill--in order for their team dynamic to remain functional. Often the easiest way to do this was to focus on the moments when Pearl was irritating or stern, the moments when she made Amethyst feel tiny and weak, however unintentionally. This strategy worked for some time, and for a while Amethyst forgot she even had feelings for Pearl in the first place.

However, as the years passed it became clear that they were both changing drastically as people and that the way things had been before was fading fast. In the time that they were on the defense against a string of assaults from Homeworld, Amethyst had opened up to Pearl about the insecurities the taller gem had sowed within her time and again. They had talked it through and by the end of the conversation it was painfully evident to Amethyst that she might have been able to develop a kind of defensive contempt for the person Pearl had been all those years ago, but who she was now was someone the quartz had the full potential to fall for again. 

It didn’t happen right away--it really couldn’t have with the war going on. Keeping Steven, one another, and the Earth safe was the first priority on each of the crystal gems’ minds and in those cortisol flooded days there was little room for anything else. 

It was only after the world finally seemed to stop ending and Steven left home that there seemed to be a tangible and unignorable shift in the mindsets and dynamic of the gems. Like she had so many times before, Amethyst caught herself gazing after her slender companion, admiring the poise with which she held herself and the attention she commanded. Pearl was everything Amethyst wasn’t--at least on a relatively surface level--and she surprised herself with how easily she slipped back into being drawn to her. 

These days, the energy between them felt different than ever before. Pearl had a new confidence, compassion, and love for life that Amethyst had never seen, and the quartz had grown into herself an incredible amount as well. She felt more at home with Pearl than she ever had and if she wasn't mistaken the sentiment was reflected in the other gem. It all felt so familiar yet completely new simultaneously. Logically, Amethyst knew that this time around she and Pearl really were in a position that would theoretically be much better to begin a relationship than they had been in the immediate aftermath of Rose’s departure. However, her creeping anxieties told her that things were good the way they were, and risking her and Pearl’s current friendship for something more like she had attempted in the past would result in awkwardness between them at best and bitter rejection at worst. In fact, even in the case that Pearl did feel the same way, a legitimate relationship was entirely new territory for the quartz and she had no idea how to navigate that situation. Keeping her feelings bottled up was Amethyst’s default, and although she had come a long way in opening up to those who cared about her, there were some things that always fell away at her tongue before she could speak them out loud to any other person. 

All this brought Amethyst to that moment, where she laid back on the roof overlooking the sea. Pearl had gone out with some of her human friends earlier in the night, Greg had been away for the past week or so after finally being convinced by Andy to pay his relatives at least one real visit together, and Garnet had long retired to within the temple. Amethyst found nights to be a strange time without Steven there; when the young half-human had lived with them nights often served as the time when the three older crystal gems could talk, strategize, or just enjoy each other’s company without worrying about toning down any less pleasant topics of conversation in front of Steven. These days, however, the gems spent most of their time together during the sunlit hours of the day, each wandering off to do their own things at night. It’s kinda funny, I can’t even remember what we did at night before Steven came around. She usually opted to sleep in order to avoid the unforgiving silence that filled the house, but sometimes that plan simply didn’t work out and it was then that she moved to the roof, trying to combat the loneliness and increasingly bittersweet thoughts of Pearl that spun in her head.

Amethyst was shocked out of her internal musings by the sound of someone clearing their throat below her. She leaned forward looking over the edge of the roof, alarm dissipating when she saw the gem on the balcony. 

“Heyyy Garnet. What’s up?”

The tall fusion smiled warmly back at her. “You apparently.”

Amethyst snorted, rolling her eyes. “Pfft, you’ve still got it.”

Her teammate chuckled before nodding up at the rooftop in question. “Mind if I join you?”

Amethyst felt a twinge of nervousness at the more serious tone that slipped into Garnet's voice, but pushed it down quickly and adopted a cool grin. “Sure man. I don’t care.”

In a powerful yet fluid motion Garnet leapt onto the roof landing gently next to Amethyst. The smaller gem blinked at her as she sat down. Garnet really did have a knack for making everything she did look beyond effortless. 

“You’re not doing well.” The fusion stated matter of factly, causing Amethyst to bite the inside of her cheek in worry. She certainly hadn’t planned on disclosing how she felt about Pearl to anyone when she went up onto the roof and she knew that if Garnet was going to bring that topic up then the night would undoubtedly become far more emotionally charged than she had bargained for. “Don’t worry, I get it. Steven moving out has been really rough on all of us.”

Amethyst felt a wave of relief. Of course Garnet didn’t know about her feelings. She was able to look into the future, not read minds. Although really, Amethyst thought, she’s not wrong either..

The purple gem looked down wistfully. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

She felt Garnet’s reassuring hand on her back. “That’s entirely natural. Getting trapped in the same place is bad for anyone, but that doesn’t mean change is easy. Especially when it's a big one like this.”

“That’s one way of putting it…” Amethyst hesitated a second. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m so super happy for him, ‘making his way in the world’ and all that, but….” She sighed, pulling her knees in and folding her arms over them. “Still not used to it. Nights especially.”

Garnet hmed in agreement, understanding the other gem’s reference to the still silence that never failed to engulf the house as of late. “You’re right, since Steven left we have drifted apart a bit lately. Tell you what,” She rose to her feet, outstretching an arm to help Amethyst up as well. “Right before Greg left he ordered a ‘cat tree’ for Cat Steven. I’m not sure what that is exactly but he said she’d probably really like it, although it apparently requires assembly. It’ll arrive at 3:08 in the afternoon tomorrow, but we can wait and try putting it together after it gets dark if you want.”

With a grin Amethyst took her hand, standing up as well. “Pssh, you don’t have to hold off for my sake, by then I’ll be back to my 8 sweet hours of shut-eye for sure.” She looked away as her expression grew a little more sincere. “Although, that does seriously sound nice. Thanks.”

The fusion nodded with a smile before glancing out at the darkening sky. “Fantastic. For now though let’s head inside. A storm’s coming in and I can say with certainty Pearl would kill us if we got drenched.”

Amethyst laughed as she followed Garnet off the roof. “Don’t need future vision to know that.” 

Before she turned into the doorway, Amethyst looked over her shoulder at the beach one more time. The moon glowed brightly still over the water despite the inky black clouds closing in around it. Regardless, the sight was just as beautiful as when she first stepped outside earlier. After indulging in the scene a moment longer she turned away at last, once again silently wishing she could have had Pearl standing by her side to admire it too.

Chapter Text

Warm rays of sunlight filtered through the raindrop spotted windows as Pearl meticulously stripped the bed of its pillows and sheets, humming quietly to herself. She had gotten back to the house at about dawn, just in time to begin the chores of the day. Garnet had departed for Little Homeworld not long after she had returned as well, taking both cats of the house with her for a presentation on pet care. Pearl hadn’t seen Amethyst yet that morning but she supposed the quartz was likely still asleep in her room. 

Pearl had always taken it upon herself to tidy up Steven’s space while he had been living with them (as he grew older he became far more adept at keeping it organized himself, although even then the levels of dust and clutter rarely lived up to her admittedly high standards). That task had carried over to Greg’s time in the house, and although she often complained to him that as a grown man he should be fully capable of sweeping the floor and changing the sheets himself, in the end she was better at the work and enjoyed it more so she kept at it regardless for the most part. 

This had become significantly easier in the days that Greg had been absent, both in the sense that there was less to clean up after and that Pearl was able to do it more often without imposing on Greg’s personal space. She had taken to tidying up there first thing every morning, even when she would usually have decided the room was spotless and that there was nothing that could have improved it. 

Folding a pillowcase, she felt a nostalgic warmth at the sight. The way Greg had ended up decorating the space was remarkably similar to the setup Steven had kept. Posters plastered the walls, albeit Greg’s were mostly depicting various bands and classic movies Pearl had never heard of. Greg had gotten a video game console and television which were situated on the wall across from the bed. Various trinkets from the van adorned the headboard while his guitar and array of audio tools that Pearl couldn’t remember the names and uses for were displayed respectfully along the walls. It truly was like looking into a parallel dimension where Steven had been born a generation earlier, which was accurate in a certain way when she thought about it. More than anything Greg’s residence had made Pearl appreciate how similar the two could be. 

In truth, part of why she kept going up there was because it reminded her so vividly of Steven. It wasn’t as though they didn’t have contact anymore--she and the other gems each had a reserved day of the week to go on video call with him to catch up--but the real understanding that he didn’t have a direct influence on their lives anymore and vice versa was beginning to set in. That was far from a bad thing, for the most part Pearl was content with where she found herself in just about every aspect of her life. Still, it felt important somehow that she didn’t let go of this one habit, a thin but lasting string between herself now and the different but still very real joy she had found in the same tasks in time past. 

Sliding the last pillow into its fresh covering, Pearl set it down and inspected the meticulously made bed with satisfaction. She dropped the dirty sheets into the basket which she carried under her arm as she turned for the stairs. However, she paused as she was about to descend when she heard a smooth drawn out meow sounding from behind her. Without turning around Pearl rolled her eyes with a smile. 

“Get off the bed, Amethyst. You’re going to wrinkle it.” 

“Whaat, you mean I didn’t sound even a little like Cat Steven? Booo..”

With a fond smirk Pearl looked back over to the bed where Amethyst had shapeshifted into a silky-furred lilac cat, her eyes twinkling mischievously as she rolled onto her back atop the blankets.

In the time since Steven had left, Pearl found herself taking more and more comfort in the purple gem’s presence. The thinly veiled disdain that had once laced their banter had slowly transmuted to playful ribbing and one-upmanship, their every exchange an unspoken challenge from one to the other to acknowledge the tension that hung so tangibly in the air between them. Pearl wasn’t sure exactly where this was all going, but she knew with certainty that she liked it a whole lot better than the bitter and communication-starved state their bond had been in for such a significant time. It was true that Amethyst still had the potential to really get under her skin if she wanted, but these days Pearl found that this was both given and received unresentfully, and that the prickle she felt down her spine at Amethyst’s childish jests was warm, admiring, and entirely new.

 Pearl shrugged as she set down the hamper to go back and stand over the other gem. “No, I do believe you’ll have to practice your voices more before you’re convincing enough for that. Or, maybe it’s just that we’ve known each other long enough that I’d recognize you no matter what.” She accentuated her words with a sly boop to Amethyst’s feline nose, causing the quartz to wrinkle it and blink in surprise. Before she could formulate a response Pearl continued, the bristle of something in the air pushing her on. 

“If you get off the bed now then I won’t mind straightening it up, but if I see that there’s a bunch of fur on the sheets then you’ll be the one putting them through the wash again.”

“Aw come on P,” Amethyst purred nonchalantly, rolling back upright and beginning to knead the comforter. “The blanket’s light enough, you wouldn’t be able to tell even if I did shed.” She sat up, patting the spot next to her with a paw. “C’mere, mess it up a little! What’s another wrinkle of two? You know you wanna..” She grinned, waggling her faint eyebrows at the taller gem. 

With a humored sigh Pearl gave in and perched gracefully on the bed beside Amethyst, who let out a laugh of victory. “Alright you win, but--” Devious expression returning, Pearl scooped Amethyst up--causing the cat-shaped gem to squeak in surprise--and flopped back on the bed while holding her at arms length above her face. “No claws on the bed. That’s a rule I won’t budge on.”

Recovering from her initial shock Amethyst narrowed her eyes with a smile. “Oh really?” 

In a flash of light she shifted into a purple replica of Lion, efficiently pinning Pearl’s arms just above her head and expertly flexing her gleaming claws between the other gem’s fingers. Pearl let out a startled breath as she locked eyes with Amethyst. Their faces were far closer than they usually found themselves and although Amethyst still was physically in the form of a big cat, the humor in her eyes abated into something far less decipherable. In the fraction of a moment they were frozen like that, Pearl felt her mind race. 

Huh? What is she doing? This is still a joke, right? Of course it is, this is Amethyst we’re talking about! Did she just cross the line, though? Is there a line? If she did cross it, why doesn’t it feel bad? And if it doesn’t feel bad then why does it feel like we shouldn’t be doing this? 

But before Pearl had a chance to decide if she wanted to articulate any of this, let alone consider how she would, Amethyst snapped out of her daze with a smirk and blew a puff of air into Pearl’s face, effectively shattering the tension. 

“ Ugh ! Get off!” Pearl exclaimed in mock disgust, although her laughter easily gave her away. As she sat up Amethyst shifted back to normal beside her, not bothering to hide her amusement. 

“Sorry P, you’re just too fun to mess with.”

Pearl felt something inside her wilt just the tiniest bit. Right, of course that was just messing around. What did I even think it was?

She was pulled back to reality when she felt Amethyst’s elbow lightly bump her arm, her head tilted in question. “Hey, you alright?”

Pearl felt her face begin to heat up. “Yes of course! It wasn’t a big deal or anything after all--”

She trailed off as Amethyst shook her head and gestured at the room around them. “Nah I mean are you alright with this... ?”

Pearl smiled half-heartedly, her sense of relief not outweighing the greater feeling of sadness that tugged at her surrounding Steven’s ever prolonging absence. “Well...I suppose I’m ok...What I mean to say is that I’m doing as well as I can be which isn’t bad --” She paused when she caught Amethyst’s eyes. The quartz’s expression told her that she wouldn’t put up with Pearl pretending she was doing better than she was for her sake. 

The slender gem looked away as she continued. “I’m...tired. Don’t get me wrong, I feel so much.. better than I have in such a long time, but sometimes it just feels like I’m waiting and I can’t figure out what for. It was so easy when Steven was here, but now I always have so much time where I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Amethyst looked at the floor with a frown and Pearl worried for a moment that she had unloaded too much upon her teammate. However the quartz glanced back up at her with a thoughtful expression. “Well that’s way easy then. If it’s only being tired and time that are giving you problems then just try sleeping when you’re feeling like that.”

Pearl hesitated with a grimace. Sleep was not often a pleasant experience for her. Amethyst didn’t seem to notice her disquiet, however, and her face lit up with inspiration. 

“Yeah! Why don’t we do a sleepover like Steven threw for us way back when? Wait, was that seriously the last time you slept, Pearl? Whoah you really need to catch up on those z’s then!” Amethyst laughed, bumping Pearl on the arm teasingly. “What do ya say? Sleepover tonight, just us?”

Pearl was about to object, but seeing the sparkle of excitement in Amethyst’s eyes melted her resolve. Maybe enough time has passed that it will be alright…

She closed her eyes with a sigh. “Ok, let’s do it.”

Amethyst jumped up in delight. “Wooo! Hell yea!” In an instant she slapped her hands over her mouth instinctively and eyes darting to Pearl. “Wait uhh...we are allowed to swear again now that Steven’s gone, right?”

The taller gem closed her eyes solemnly. “As much as it pains me to say so, yes, you can swear. Just don’t even think about it in front of Steven, I don’t care how old he is.”

Amethyst chuckled. “Can do, P.”

Stretching her arms out over her head Amethyst let out a content sigh. “Was thinking I’d pop over to Little Homeschool and see how Garnet’s doing. Wanna tag along?”

Pearl picked up the laundry basket and shook her head. “I have to put this load in the wash, but I’ll catch up with you once I’m finished.” 

“Aight, suit yourself,” The purple gem shrugged before shifting back into her cat form again and bounding off. “Catch ya later then, Pearl!”

Pearl waved after her with a fond smile as she disappeared down the stairs and out a half open window. A part of her knew that she should probably address the little flutter she felt inside of her which blossomed whenever she was around Amethyst, but for the moment she could only bring herself to repeat internally that she was more than content with the way things were, and that questioning or addressing anything else could only ruin this special thing that their friendship was right then. And so Pearl shut down the topic in her mind, putting as much focus she could muster into the task of starting the laundry, although as much as she tried she couldn’t suppress her smile at the image of Amethyst’s beaming face in her mind.