Work Text:
“Honestly, I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” Peter said, holding the phone away from his face to cover it as he mouthed for Stiles to bring him a slice of homemade pizza. Stiles was pretty sure there was a please in there, either that or Peter had been puckering up and blowing kisses at him, so either way he was benevolent enough to bring him a plate.
“No, really. In case you haven’t heard there is a pandemic happening and all good little boys and girls are supposed to be home and quarantined.”
Stiles flopped down onto the sofa beside him. Thank fuck Peter kept his apartment stocked with all the amenities of an apocalypse bunker, or they would have been in the same sad boat as the rest of the neighborhood. Not that even Peter, paranoid millionaire bastard that he was, saw this coming. Personally Stiles had zombies as his bet for most likely end of the world scenario, not world wide pandemic. At least Peter was magnanimous enough to let Stiles share some extra toilet paper with the neighbors. It never hurt to keep on everyone’s good side and more than one person had seemed ready to kiss the ground he walked on when he made his toilet paper Santa delivery yesterday.
Peter was still arguing, trying one handed to fold the hot pizza, not that Stiles was surprised. Scott didn’t like to hear no, especially from everyone’s least favorite zombiewolf.
“I can’t leave my apartment at this time,” Peter stressed, rolling his eyes. “And I strongly suggest that the rest of the puppies stay home as well.”
Stiles snickered at the thought of Peter being a good, rule abiding citizen and got an elbow in his side for his troubles. “This supposed coven hasn’t made any moves yet, they can wait. Besides that if they know what’s good for them they are staying home too.” Peter said, smacking away the hand reaching for his pepperoni and sticking his tongue out at Stiles’ pout.
They both winced as on the other end Scott began shouting loudly enough for even Stiles’ unenhanced hearing to pick up clear as day.
“-And you need to get over yourself! You’re a werewolf. You can’t get sick.” The distain that followed in Peter’s silence was sharp enough to cut a man. Or at least long enough to make things awkward over a phone call.
“I see,” He finally said, after it was clear he had Scott’s attention again. “Well, since someone here obviously failed to read even the simplest PSAs concerning this pandemic I suppose that leaves me no choice. I would be happy to make the trip back to your darling little pack. Everyone loves a Typhoid Mary after all, and the pack was starting to feel a little crowded. Perhaps its a good idea to weed out the humans. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He hung up, tossed his phone across the room to the single armchair, and took Stiles’ plate of pizza from him with a smirk.
On queue, Stiles’ phone started ringing.
“Fuck,” Stiles groaned, surrendering his plate as Scott’s face flashed across his screen. He pointed an accusing finger at the wolf. “You. You are an evil man.”
Peter preened, pulling up his legs to throw them over Stiles’ lap. “Yes, and it really has its perks doesn’t it? I get to have all the fun and you get to play the good guy and suffer the sympathetic ear role.”
Stiles pouted. “You better save me like five slices at least or I’ll show you good guy.”
“You better pick up before it goes to voicemail.” Peter said, smirking as he kicked back into his spot on the sofa.
Stiles answered his phone.
His pizza got cold.
“-And I mean, come on. What the heck is that supposed to mean?” Scott said, his tirade against Peter and life in general winding down to it’s common, essential theme. That Scott only understood things when it was convenient for him to do so.
Stiles sighed. “Scott. It means that just because you guys can’t get sick doesn’t mean you can’t pass it to the rest of us. Peter wasn’t fucking with you, he was just saying what literally everyone is saying, dude. Werewolves like humans can carry the illness and infect other people whether they have symptoms or not. For fucks sake dude, I know the news has been harping on the importance of staying home even if you don’t feel symptoms! It’s because of this!”
“Oh. I guess I didn’t see that report.” Scott said.
Stiles checked his battery. 67% power. No luck.
“But It’s been so stressful I just keep the news off these days.” Scott moaned. “We’ll have to cover that at the meeting then. Lydia has this app thingy she wants us all to download, so hey, at least you can be home and still be at the meeting!”
Stiles pressed the screen to his shoulder, pinching his brow as Peter cackled at his pain. Evil bastard.
“Scott, I am not video conferencing pack meetings. Hard line. No way.”
“Why?” Scott whined. “Everyone’s working from home, its the perfect time to zoom meet with the whole pack!”
“First of all,” Stiles started, taking the bite sized piece of pizza Peter tore off and held out to him, gratefully. “You are one of the lucky few that gets to work from home.” He shoved the piece in his mouth and spoke as he chewed. “I am not. And I bet you at least Liam and Isaac also have to work, unless they get fired during all this due to places closing down. You really need to check with them, dude. Don’t just assume shit.”
Peter gave him a thumbs up, and then ate the rest of both of their pizzas.
“But-“
“Oh shit! My phone is dying, I’ll have to call you back, dude! Bye!”
He swiped end call, tossed his phone to join Peter’s on the armchair, and picked up a pillow to scream into it.
“So that’s the plan? Stay indoors like good little socially conscious citizens?” Peter asked absently when the muffled screams died down and Stiles finally let the pillow fall from his face. He frowned at his greasy fingers in distaste.
Stiles reached out, taking his hand. “We could do that. Or... we could take advantage of the fact that no one will be looking too closely at any sudden deaths right now to weed out a few of those pests we’ve been having.”
He licked Peter’s fingers clean, boldly making eye contact with the older man the whole time.
Peter hummed with interest, both at the proposal and at the tongue seductively sucking and licking each finger.
“Starting with your manager I assume?” He asked, eyes never leaving Stiles’ mouth.
“Absolutely starting with my manager.” Stiles pulled off with a grin, satisfied with the way Peter’s eyes were dark with lust now. “Usually I would say he doesn’t qualify for a ‘permanent’ solution, but since the asshole refuses to close or enforce masking I don’t think anyone will be surprised when he gets struck down by a sudden and violent illness. It was only a matter of time really.”
“Tragic how no one seems to be taking this pandemic seriously.” Peter agreed. “It’s also tragic that there was an issue with your power this week and you couldn’t charge your phone or pc. I’m sure everyone will miss you but at least you were able to find somewhere new and safe to stay. Eventually. Maybe by mid week when you finally have batteries to call the pack and update them. Should be long enough to keep them off your back.”
“Hmmm,” Stiles leaned in for a kiss. Tasted like pizza. “I like the way you think creeperwolf.”