Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It had taken KJ quite a long time to figure out she was gay. Like, an embarrassingly long time. In her defense, nobody seemed to talk about lesbians unless it was a derisive comment thrown out a car window, or an uncomfortable mention that was immediately ignored after the fact. She’d only really had the opportunity to think on what a gay person was and if she could be one thanks to Erin…. and Mac. 

Erin was pretty vocally supportive of gay people, even going so far as to correct others when they said something bigoted. She was probably the first person to allow KJ to think of it as okay. 

As for Mac…. Well, Mac was more complicated. She was the kind of person Erin always had to correct. She used to be angry and constantly on the verge of saying a slur. Probably because her asshole brother was always talking like that at home. But lately, she’d seemed… more afraid. Whenever anybody started on the topic, she’d shrink away from it in the places where she usually met with loud resistance.

In either case, she wasn’t the person KJ should be hopelessly crushing on. 

At the moment, all four of the girls were sitting in the Tieng’s living room. Kaje was sitting on the couch with her knees curled up to her chin trying not to betray that she was pondering the depths of the gay cosmos. The tv was blurring and fuzzing through a vacuum commercial, one they had all seen five times throughout the afternoon. It would be four more minutes of adds before they could get back to watching the season premier of their favorite show. 

Tiffany turned to elbow Erin, who was sitting next to her on the floor. “You know, P.I. Henderson isn’t looking half bad this season,” she said. “I mean, he’s always been cute, but the new haircut really shapes his face.”

“Really? I kinda liked it when it was longer."

“Okay, I will admit longer hair on guys is super hot, but last season’s hair was a mop, Erin.”

Erin pursed her lips and looked politely away. “...I have my tastes, and you have yours.”

“Respectfully, your taste fucking sucks,” Tiffany laughed. She whipped around to face Mac, who was slumped back lethargically in an armchair. “I mean, do you find the season five haircut attractive?”

Mac blinked vacantly. “...No comment.”

“See?!” Tiffany cried, turning back to Erin. “She doesn’t think it’s cute!”

Erin shook her head. “That doesn’t count. Mac never thinks anyone is cute.”

Both of them sat there at an impasse of a couple seconds before seemingly getting the same idea at the exact same time. They scooted over to the couch to interrogate KJ. 

“Kaje, which do you think is the more attractive Henderson? Season five or season six?” Erin asked, tilting her head curiously. Tiffany was crowded up next to her looking up at KJ with equal force of intent. 

 KJ reached down to grab at her toes, trying to pull her knees in closer to herself. God, that was not the question to ask a deeply closeted lesbian. Honestly, both Hendersons looked exactly the same to her. Not that either Tiffany or Erin knew what they were asking. 

“Uh…. season six?” she finally mumbled. 

Tiffany whooped and cheered, knocking victoriously into Erin’s side. 

Despite taking the impact at full force, Erin didn’t seem to notice it. “Wait, but why?”

KJ hugged her legs and looked away to a random spot of wall. “I don’t know… Does it matter why?”

Erin said yes at the same time Tiffany said no. 

“Um, shorter hair makes his face look….. more symmetrical?” KJ replied, nearly grimacing at her own answer. 

“Chyeah, as if that’s the deciding factor of attractiveness,” Mac piped up from the armchair. 

Kaje squirmed in her seat. “I mean, scientifically it is.”

Mac grabbed her soda cup from the side table and balanced it on her belly. “Science doesn’t have anything to do with who you have the hots for, Kaje,” she said.

KJ turned away to blush. Hearing Mac say ‘have the hots for’ had an… effect on her. “Okay, so what does attraction have to do with?”

“Uh… feelings and stuff,” she replied after a moment, shimmying lower in the chair. 

“Ha! You don’t know either!”

“It’s-! It’s different for everybody!”

Erin sighed and propped up her arms next to KJ's feet on the couch. “You two are absolutely no help.”

Kaje smiled apologetically down at her, hoping against hope she’d never figure out why that was. 

---------------------------------

Although being asked about boys by her friends and peers was always awkward, being asked about boys by her parents was excruciating. It was just bound to be embarrassing when your parents talked to you about romance in the first place, even if they weren’t working under any misconceptions about the gender of your romantic prospects. It was even more embarrassing when you had to pretend they weren’t. 

KJ watched from across the table as her dad skewered a couple broccolis on the tines of his fork. 

“So Karina, how was your day at school?” he asked, after he’d chewed and swallowed. 

She pushed her food around her plate, thinking. “It was… fine. Had to partner up in math though, and that’s always a pain.”

“Not a group project person, huh?” her mom smiled. 

“No, group projects are okay I guess, it’s just that partners are chosen by the teacher and I got paired up with a guy that’s a complete goof.”

She stabbed her knife into her chicken, not looking up from the table.  She hoped to god that her parents weren’t making that barely disguised face of interest they made whenever she mentioned a boy. 

“‘Goof’ like how?” her mom asked, and dammit KJ could hear the smile in her voice.

“Always trying to be funny. Never pays attention.”

“...And do you find him funny?”

Kaje gave her mother a warning look. “ Mom .”

“What?” her mom laughed, sliding a coaster under her water. “I’m just asking.”

“Yes, but there’s an ulterior motive,” she grumbled. 

“Karina, sweetie, you’re a beautiful girl. It might just be possible he’s being funny to impress you.”

KJ knew her mom meant that to sound complimentary, but they were having two very separate experiences of this conversation.

“Well I would prefer that he just get the work done.”

Her father finished up swallowing another bite of chicken. “I would prefer that as well…” he muttered. 

Mrs. Brandman turned to lightly slap him on the arm.  “Oh stop it, Ezra. She’s going to like a boy someday and you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

KJ’s entire field of vision collapsed to the piles of broccoli and chicken on her plate. How disappointing was it going to be for them when she never brought home a boyfriend?

---------------------------------

Out on the hockey field, the autumn sun was shining, the goldening grass was blowing in the wind, and KJ was playing like she was out to commit a homicide. 

She knew technique-wise that she probably wasn’t supposed to have her stick in a splinter-grip, but emotionally she was unable to loosen up. She hadn’t really processed what had happened most of the game. Whether they were winning or losing was an irrelevant and temporary concern. What mattered was that everyone lately seemed to think she should like guys. 

It was out of love, she knew. From her parents especially. They were trying to say she was loveable, that she was worth the best man’s time and attention. The only problem with that was that she had never wanted any man’s attention. Tiff and Erin, on their part, had also never meant to make her uncomfortable. They simply were excited about boys and wanted to include their friend in the excitement. 

That was probably the worst part. That these people that loved her thought they were all happy together, meanwhile she was miserable. Shouldn’t she be happy too?

KJ cried out with rage and slammed an oncoming puck into the air. She didn’t see where it went. It didn’t end up mattering anyway, because then the ref’s shrill whistle rang out and the game was over before she’d even begun to realize she was on the field. 

Kaje dropped her stick into the clumpy grass, suddenly exhausted. She trudged over to the water cooler, where the rest of the girls were gathering. 

“Okay, but are you gonna ask him out?” one of them giggled. A knot of them were whispering to each other over their little paper cups. 

“Not immediately. He literally just gave me his number.”

“But you like him, right?” another girl asked.

The blond that had responded before nodded her head and twirled a finger shyly through her curls. “Have you seen him? Of course I do.”

“Wait, who are you guys talking about?” KJ said as she stomped over towards them. 

Another girl —Andrea— turned toward her, letting the tight circle of them drift apart so Kaje could fit in with them. “Jacob Halweiler gave Eileen his number,” she replied.

Kaje reflexively started to shake her head. “Don’t call him. He gave his number to Rachel Richards like last week.”

“Okay, but didn’t she reject him?”

“Exactly. You’re his rebound.” 

Andrea laughed. “Aw, don’t be such a fun killer, KJ.” 

KJ lolled her head back a bit in dismissal. This was a thing she said often. “I mean, if Eileen wants to be some guy’s rebound fling, I’m not going to stop her,” she ceded. 

Eileen frowned thoughtfully. “I don’t get how you’re so matter-of-fact about boys, Kaje,” she sighed. “Like, haven’t you ever met a guy you’d throw everything to the wind for?”

Oh fuck no. 

She tsked, trying to keep seeming stale and noncommittal. “In highschool? Are you kidding me?”

“Bet you’ll change your mind when you see who came to the game,” Andrea grinned, throwing a thumb back behind her.

The girls in the circle all looked over to where she was pointing. A moderately attractive, but not entirely interesting looking guy was sitting at the top most bleacher. 

“Why the fuck is Brandon Turner here?” Kaje exclaimed before she could stop herself. 

All the girls were smiling at her now. “Word is he likes you.”

KJ resisted the urge to stretch out the corners of her mouth. “Uhuh.”

“And…? Doesn’t that make you excited?”

She couldn’t help it when a brief flash of uneasiness crossed her face. “Well I feel… nervous, yeah.”

“He’s cute. You should be proud,” Eileen congratulated, touching her gently on the arm. 

It was impossible at that point to not grimace. She hoped it at least sort of looked like a smile. “Sure…”

“Kaje!” a voice sounded from a few feet behind her. 

She turned around to see Mac running towards her. She usually sat at the side of the field during KJ’s games eating a bag of something that was terrible for her and making curmudgeonly commentary. Kaje felt her heart soar as she approached. 

“Hey Kaje, what's up with you and the puck today?” she laughed. “You looked like you wanted to murder it.”

The field hockey team descended upon her before KJ could answer. 

“Hey Mackenzie, you and KJ are close, right?” a brunette named Christina interrogated.

Mac’s eyes flitted around nervously to the various players. “Uh… yeah?”

Christina ducked in closer to her, obviously expecting that answer. “Do you guys ever talk about crushes?”

“Like, specifically KJ’s crushes?” Eileen added. 

Kaje pushed her shoulder through them, trying to pry them apart. “Oh my god, guys-”

“KJ… has a crush on someone?” Mac asked, looking like a disoriented wild animal. 

“Brandon Turner likes her, and we’re trying to find out if she likes him back.”

Mac’s eyes dipped to the ground and she crammed her hands deep into the pockets of her flannel. “What makes you think Turner likes her?”

Andrea helpfully threw her thumb back again to the bleachers. 

Mac scoffed, lip quirking up. “Yeah, because that’s substantial proof.”

“Jesus, you’re a fun killer too,” Andrea groaned, rolling her eyes for effect. “Can see why you and KJ get along.”

“Okay, but she thinks he’s cute, right? She’s gotta think he’s cute.” 

Mac blew a piece of hair out of her face and cast a critical eye to Brandon in the bleachers. 

KJ loved it when she did that. There was something endearing about it. 

“I don’t… know.”

“Has she ever mentioned him?” Christina supplied. 

“He’s in her fucking math class. Of course she’s mentioned him,” she grumbled back. 

The girls all burst into giggles and KJ felt her face go hot. 

“Okay! Time to interrogate my friend is officially over,” she cried, breaking through the group to get to Mac. 

She grabbed her by the wrist and steadily marched her off the field. She tried not to look back as she heard the team erupt into cooing noises and whistles. God, she hated them so much.

Fortunately for KJ, Brandon hadn’t seemed to notice the smattering of giggling teens at the water cooler, or at least he didn’t realize the fuss was about him. Unfortunately for her, he did notice her walking past the stands and waved at her. 

Did that mean he liked her? 

She smiled at him and waved back despite the queasy sensation taking form in her stomach. 

She certainly hoped it didn’t. 

Chapter Text

Polynomial long division was a bitch. 

KJ had been trying to concentrate on the practice sheet that had been handed out in math class that day, but her mind was spinning. What was the order of operations for this again? You divided the term out and brought it up to the top, but then what?

She couldn’t focus mostly because of Mac. Which was stupid. Because Mac wasn’t even in the room. They had a couple classes together, but math wasn’t one of them. KJ had taken a placement test a while back that put her in Pre Calc, whereas Mac was in the usual junior math class.

No, she was distracted because earlier Mac had dropped by her in the hallway to give back a book KJ had leant her. It had been Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh , which Mac had read all 233 pages of in two days flat. She’d done this kind of appreciative shoulder pat that had her fingers trailing all the way down KJ’s arm, and KJ had been locked on it for a good hour now. Nevermind the way Mac had smiled and said she’d liked the book. When she talked about something she liked, there was this sort of openness she didn’t normally have. 

Kaje was abruptly pulled back into math class by a prickling sense of unease. 

Someone was…

Someone was definitely looking at her. Infact, an increasing number of people were looking at her.

Before she had fully noticed the stares, a long chain of shuffling noises erupted throughout the classroom.

There was a note on her desk.

She twisted around in her chair to find Brandon Turner smiling at her from his desk a few aisles away. Suddenly she regarded the note with less of a sheer confusion and more of a creeping horror. 

KJ poked at it with her pencil and slowly lifted the corner to unfold it. 

In some very scratchy handwriting, it read; 

Nice moves on the field. 

P.S. You look cute in your uniform.

Under that was presumably Brandon’s phone number. 

KJ glanced as cautiously as she could over at Brandon. She felt irritation start to bubble up under her skin. Even more so when the girls next to her noticed where she was looking and started giggling on her behalf. 

God, he really did like her, didn’t he? She hoped she’d never have to turn down a guy in her life, but apparently that was too wishful of thinking. What if she didn’t let him down easy enough? How was a straight girl who simply wasn’t interested supposed to act in this situation? Would a straight girl ever turn down this guy at all? The polynomials on her paper were starting to swirl. 

KJ stood up out of her seat. “Mrs. Whitehouse? May I use the restroom?”

She didn’t wait for an answer before heading to the door. Everything felt blurry and far away. Like she was separated from the classroom by a thick sheet of glass. 

She pushed down on the handle and broke into the hallway. 

--------------------------------------

Luckily for KJ, math was always her last class of the day. She’d rushed home immediately in a mental deadlock, not bothering to write down that night’s homework problems scribbled on the white board. She wasn’t going to do them anyway. 

When KJ arrived at her house, she threw open the door to the backyard shed and grabbed her field hockey equipment. Outside was shining with vaguely orange afternoon light. It was time to practice.

Wh-bam!

A ball hit the fence, rattling the boards. 

“Stupid Brandon!” she snarled.

Wh-bam!

“Stupid teammates!”

She sent another field hockey ball flying. “I don’t even fucking like guys. I don’t even fucking -”

Kaje hurled her stick to the ground in rage, kicking up a cloud of dust. 

It was okay. It was okay. It was going to be okay. She tried to stop her rapid, heaving breaths by letting out a thin stream of air through her nose. In and out. It was going to be okay. 

KJ looked back up at the fence, regarding it this time with a grim determination. 

Before long, the orange light of afternoon started dimming into twilight. Kaje still hadn’t slowed in her persistent assault against the fence. It had almost become mechanical, picking the ball up, tossing it into the air and swinging back her stick. It was natural. She was capable. She was controlled. 

She was in the middle of swinging back her stick when the sideyard’s gate creaked open. 

“Hey, Kaje, are you ready to totally fail at teaching me about radia-?”

Wh-bam!

Mac startled back. “Woah, what the fuck.”

KJ dropped her stick again, coming back into herself. “Mac!” she blinked. “Shit, is it Tuesday?”

Tuesday evenings Mac dropped by to get help with her math homework. As insanely good as she was at the literary, figures never stuck well in her head. 

“Uh. Yeah. More pressing question; Why the fuck are you brutalising your fence with a shillelagh?” she asked, backed up against the gate. 

KJ looked down at her stick and up to Mac again. “It- I’m practicing.”

“To take someone’s head clean off?”

She tsked irritably and began to wander this way and that about the sideyard, gathering her equipment. “Jesus, quit being such a mother hen,” she complained, crouching down to pick up a hockey ball. 

Mac leaned back on the fence, watching her. “I’m just saying, I think the other girls are gonna be a little outmatched at the next game,” she grinned. “What with you playing like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Kaje huffed, shoving her field hockey gear into the shed. “What did you say we were working on again?”

Mac shut the gate, and they headed inside. 

-----------------------------------

Half an hour later at the dining room table, and KJ didn’t know if she could take it anymore. 

“Wait, wait. So a radian is…. what?”

She let her head fall to the table in despair. “ Oy vey ist mir. ”

Mac glanced over to her crumpled form, chewing on the metal part of her pencil. “Pretty sure it’s not that,” she said. 

“I’ve explained this like three separate times,” KJ buzzed defeatedly into the tabletop. 

“Look, the numbers get all slippery in my head, okay? It’s like trying to push a boogie board underwater,” she explained, hunching over paper. It was mostly doodles of cats and frogs in clothes. 

KJ looked vacantly back up at her. “Oh yeah, you ever had one of those launch back up and knock your teeth out? Wait.” She paused and shook her head. “Wait, no. I’m not having this conversation with you. We’re supposed to be doing your homework.”

“Ugh. I don’t want to anymore.”

“Okay, so let's say the radius of this circle is three,” she began, pointing at the circle she had drawn on Mac’s paper earlier. “Now let's look at the-”

“Kaje, no.”

“Let's look at the circumference,” KJ continued, ignoring her. “We’re going to take out a segment of the circle where the circumference is also -”

“ Urgh ,” Mac groaned, sliding down in her seat.

“ Where the circumference is also three . Mackenzie, you asked me to explain this again.” 

“Well now my brain is too stretched out,” she grumbled. 

“Fine. Five minute break.”

Mac made a face. 

“Okay, ten minute break,” Kaje conceded.

Mac stood up from her seat and windmilled her arms way up in the air. This was sufficient. “Hey, you got any grub?” she asked. 

“Uh, yeah there are probably some chips in the pantry.”

Mac strode over to where the pantry was like a resident of the house in her own right. She had been over to the Brandmans’ enough times to know where practically anything was. “Oh right, you guys have name brand,” she deadpanned, pulling a bag of Lays off a shelf. “I was starting to forget chips could have names, if you can imagine. The horror.”

“Uhuh.”

Mac stuck her head out of the pantry to look at KJ idling in her chair. “ ...Hey, what gives?” she frowned. 

“What?” KJ asked, realizing she had been fiddling with the corner of a textbook page. 

“I said, what gives? You usually laugh at my little wisecracks.”

“I wouldn’t say it was wise, exactly,” she mumbled.  

Mac moved back over to the table, the chip bag crinkling plastically as she tried to open it. “Okay, yeah. It was dumb,” she admitted. “But you usually think it’s funny.”

That was true. She thought every joke Mac made was funny. But she was so frustrated at that moment that all that came out was distressed sputtering. 

Mac slid into her chair, setting the now open chip bag aside on the table. 

“Hey, hey,” she soothed. Her hands reached out to catch KJ’s and run a gentle thumb along her knuckles. “You don’t have to tell me, or anything, but… You’ve been acting off.” 

Kaje paused. Could she really tell Mac? Would she touch her like this if she knew? Would she even want to be near her? Probably not if she told the whole truth. But Mac had never come off as boy crazy as other girls, even Tiffany and Erin who were mostly chill about crushes. Maybe she’d understand that piece of the problem. 

“It’s just…” She closed her eyes. “Why do the girls around me have to talk about boys so much?”

Mac scrunched up her face in a peculiar way, like she was thinking, but it… hurt. She sighed. “Kaje, it’s… alright if you don’t have a boyfriend yet. Just because other girls are dating doesn’t mean-”

“No,” she interrupted. She’d gotten this all wrong. “No, no, I don’t want a boyfriend, I’m-”

Kaje stopped. Had she really just been about to admit that? 

She backtracked. “At least, I don’t want the boyfriend everybody thinks I should have.”

Mac looked thoughtful again, but it seemed less pain-stricken. “...Is this about Brandon?”

“ Yes ,” Kaje burst. “Oh my god, I have to partner with him in math class sometimes and he never fucking knows what’s going on. I hate him.”

“ I never know what’s going on, Kaje.” 

She gripped Mac’s hands tighter. “Yeah, but with you, it’s not for a lack of trying! He’s always making eyes at girls instead of paying attention, and recently it’s been…”

“You,” Mac finished. 

They sat in a wide silence of a couple seconds. 

“...You know those first minutes of a horror movie where there’s no monster yet, but it just feels scary?” KJ asked, nearly in a whisper. “That’s what it’s like knowing Brandon Turner is inevitably going to ask you out.”

Mac looked at her, and then away again, taking this statement in.

The both of them broke into laughter. 

She lurched toward KJ, fingers deformed into the shape of zombie claws. “KJ…” she rasped cartoonishly. “I want to eat your brains… at the roller rink on Saturday at 8:00.”

As hard as Kaje had been laughing before, she was laughing harder now. Her sides were starting to sting. 

“Aw, there she is! She’s back!” Mac cheered.

 “I didn’t go anywhere,” she said, between fits of giggles. 

“Yeah, but sometimes you’re a little too-” Mac leaned forward to tap KJ’s forehead. “Up in here.”

Kaje fell quiet, hunching her shoulders up reflexively at Mac’s closeness.

Mac slid casually back into her chair. “...For the record, I don’t understand it either,” she added after a moment. 

“Huh?”

“ Boys .” She made a shooing motion with her hand. “You know? I mean, the ones at school are a bunch of fucking morons.”

“Pfft. Yeah,” KJ agreed, cracking an uncertain smile. 

“And that’s why I’ll probably never have a boyfriend. Like, who’s to say they get better after twelfth grade?”

‘Never have a boyfriend .’ That’s all Kaje heard. If she were straight, her first instinct would probably be to reassure Mac that she’d definitely like a guy someday, and that he’d be totally worthy of her. But she wasn't, and all she could do was leave this empty silence, hoping that maybe, just maybe ...

“I’m not- I’m not like, lesbian though,” Mac explained, crossing her arms over her chest. Apparently the silence had been too long. “That’s- I just don’t see the point.”

KJ felt her face start to fall, but she quickly lifted the corners of her mouth. “Oh. Yeah, no, me neither. Obviously ,” she parroted, doing an uncharacteristic little head bobble. 

Mac noticed it and started to eye her shiftily.

Fuck, she had to bring up something else. “Um… it’s probably time for us to get back to math, don’t you think?”

Mac immediately opened her mouth to protest. It was always so easy to distract her. 

KJ wouldn’t buckle for all her various complaints, and so they eventually set out to finish the homework. Underneath the circle diagrams and confusing word problems, Kaje buried her hurt and frustration. Was it really worth it to vent to Mac? She didn’t know if it had resolved anything. It had most likely created new problems. 

What was she going to do if Mackenzie Coyle of all people figured her out?

Chapter Text

The subsequent days after she had talked to Mac were a slow-crawl of discomfort. Kaje felt that this week was building up to something terrible and hadn’t been able to shake the feeling. Mac had so far forgotten to be suspicious, which was a huge relief, but there was still the matter of Brandon. His eyes had been on her for nearly all of math class, and she still hadn’t worked up the courage to turn him down.

As soon as Mrs. Whitehouse dismissed them for the day, KJ slung her backpack over her shoulder and booked it to the door. Maybe if Brandon didn’t have a chance to catch up with her, she wouldn’t have to deal with him. 

Kaje thought she’d managed to shake him for a moment until she glanced over her shoulder to find him emerging from behind a cluster of people. 

“KJ!” he called, picking up his pace. 

She marched forward, hoping she could pretend she didn’t hear him. 

“Hey KJ, wait up!”

Kaje stopped, wincing at the volume of his voice. It really was too loud to plausibly ignore, wasn’t it?

“What?” she snapped, as he caught up with her. 

He grinned, tipping his chin towards her copy of Pre-Calc 1.02. “Can I carry your books for you? They’re looking a little heavy.”

She knew it was probably meant to be a sweet gesture, but something about it had her catching herself before she could roll her eyes. Probably the fact that her arms were most definitely stronger than his. 

“Um. My locker isn’t far. It’s fine,” she replied.  

“Aw, c’mon!” he insisted, reaching for them anyway. “It’d be ungentlemanly of me to let you carry that.”

Kaje handed over the textbooks, pointedly avoiding making eye contact with him. “Uh. Thanks.”

“No problem, Kaje,” he winked, tucking the books under his arm. 

“...It’s Karina.”

He laughed, following her down the hallway. “Guess I haven’t earned the nickname yet, huh? Don’t worry, I’ll get there eventually.”

KJ balled her fists into her skirt. ‘No you fucking won’t,’ she thought. 

“So Karina,” he smiled, raising his eyebrows. “You got my note on Tuesday, right?”

She blinked. ‘If I say yes, he’s probably going to ask why I haven’t called him yet. If I say no, he’s just going to try to give me his number again,’ she thought. Either way it was a trap. 

“I meant what I wrote, by the way,” he continued. “Your skill is insane. I bet you’re exhausted carrying the team on your back like that.”

 “...I guess.”

“You deserve some kind of compensation, or something.” He went silent for a couple of very deliberate seconds before using his free hand to snap his fingers. “Hey, why don’t we go for icecream after your next game? My treat.”

KJ nearly glared at him. “Jesus fucking christ, if I were straight, this would almost be working,” she thought. He was one smooth bastard, she’d give him that. 

“Uh, I usually do something with my parents after games,” she replied instead. “You know how parents are…”

Once they had come up upon her locker, she rushed to open it, making sure to turn her back fully to Brandon. Unfortunately he did not get the hint that the conversation was over. 

“Bummer…” he sighed, leaning against the locker next to hers. “So maybe after practice then? I mean, how many practices do you have? Your folks can’t be at all of them.” 

‘Shit, shit.'

“...My friend is usually waiting for me to drive me home after practices,” she countered, knowing Mac wouldn’t mind being used as an excuse. 

This didn’t deter him. “So where’s your friend? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me taking you off her hands for an afternoon,” he insisted, pressing closer towards her. 

“Well, see the thing is that-”

A small body planted itself between them. “Jesus, Turner. Why don’t you lay off a bit?” Mac challenged, crossing her arms. KJ internally cheered. 

Brandon nudged at her shoulder, trying to sweep her aside to get to KJ. “Aw, c’mon Mackenna, was it?” he laughed, pulling out his most charming grin. “I was playing nice, promise.”

Mac met his push at her shoulder with icy stiffness. “Uhuh.”

He tried the smile again. “Honestly, I was only trying to-”

“Yeah, I get what you were trying to do," she interrupted. “Give her back her books.”

“What do her books have to do with-?”

“Using chivalry as an excuse to follow her around without seeming like a total creep. Seen it before. Give her back her books.”

Mac moved aside just enough that he could do exactly that. She raised an expectant eyebrow at him. 

Brandon hesitated a moment, a rare expression of displeasure flashing across his face. Finally he handed the textbooks back to KJ, making sure not to brush hands with her under Mac’s watchful eye. “KJ, could you please tell your friend to let up a little?” he appealed. 

Kaje shrank back, hugging her books to her chest. What was she supposed to say to that?

Mac, sensing her discomfort, snapped her fingers in front of Brandon’s face. “Hey, we weren’t done talking, Turner.”

He whipped around to face her, now looking plainly irritated.

“Let me ask you a question,” she began. “Has Kaje ever returned any of your dipshit advances?”

Brandon’s eyes narrowed sharply. He glanced over at KJ, realizing the answer was one he didn’t care for. 

Mac let him stew in his silence before continuing. “I’ll take that as a big, fat, fucking ‘no.’” She circled in close to him, muttering her next words under her breath; “So what makes you think she would want to split a mint chip with you at the Baskin Robins located in possibly the shittiest fucking strip mall on planet Earth?”

He backed away from her, unfolding to his full height. “You’re crazy. You’re acting like I’m some kind of manipulative asshole,” he spat. 

“What I’m acting like is besides the point,” she said. “You were making my friend uncomfortable, and I’m just saying what she won’t; Piss. Off.”

Brandon flashed his teeth, looking like he was trying to say something. He glanced over at KJ, hoping for a last benevolence. 

Kaje sealed her mouth shut and stood her ground. 

Finally he walked off, muttering under his breath in frustration. 

KJ breathed out a sigh. 

As soon as Brandon had stalked off down the hallway, Mac started to loosen. She turned to face KJ, mouth quirking up into an unsure smile. “Hey,” she sighed. “C’mon, let’s get you home. Managed to park closer to the building this time, so we won’t have to walk far.”

KJ smiled back at her, hopefully without the overwhelming love she felt breaking through, and nodded. She turned the dial on her locker and pushed up the latch to pop it open. If asked later what exactly she had stuffed into her backpack before slamming the locker closed again, she couldn’t say. It honestly didn’t matter, and she didn’t care. 

The next thing she knew, they were standing in the mildly chilly air of late September, and Mac was furiously patting her pockets trying to find her keys. Mac was the only one of their friends that had had her license long enough that she could drive anybody around. She had taken the test right on her sixteenth birthday reportedly because she ‘didn’t want to spend any more time in her hellhole of a home than she had to.’ Considering her home life, KJ understood. 

The car Mac drove around used to be her dad’s before it fell into disrepair. It wasn’t like the 1981 AMC Kammback was ever in any state of repair anyway, but Mr. Coyle had gotten weary of the constant sputtering of the engine, so he’d passed the problem onto Mac. It was parked proudly in front of them now, catching eyes with its mustard yellow paint job and gauche brown stripe across the doors.  

“I hear jangling,” Mac grumbled, having moved on to her pants pockets. “I know they’re in here, the slippery bastards.”

“They sound like they’re in-”

She triumphantly pulled them from where they had been clipped to her belt loop. “AHA!” she crowed.

Mac rushed to the driver’s side to unlock the door. The key scratched against the lock, surely chipping off more flecks of paint with it. Once she had gotten it open, she stretched over to the passenger side to unclick the lock for KJ. 

“You can throw your bag in the back if you want,” she said, sliding back into her proper seat. “Might have to push the stack of library books out of the way, but it’ll fit.”

Kaje glanced into the back to find the complete Anne of Green Gables series stacked up against a couple of Mac’s textbooks. She shoved those aside (as gently as she could, because those were Mac’s favorite books) before dropping her backpack in the vacated spot and slipping into the seat next to Mac. 

A couple easy moments passed before she realized the car still showed no sign of starting. KJ looked over to Mac. 

Her hand rested on the keys in the ignition, prepared to turn them, but something in her face spoke of hesitation. After a moment, she opened her mouth. 

“ ...You’re okay, right?” she rasped softly. “Or at least… you’re going to be?”

“I’m okay,” Kaje responded after a moment. 

“And he didn’t hurt you, right? I didn’t see everything. Just the last part when he was hounding you about practice.” 

“No, no of course not. He wants me to like him, remember?” she laughed, expecting Mac to chuckle along with her.

Mac shook her head, almost not seeming to hear her. “Because if he hurts you, I’m gonna kick his sorry ass.”

“He didn’t , Mac. He won’t,” Kaje soothed, holding her hands over Mac’s shoulder, resisting the temptation to stroke her arm. “...And anyways, you wouldn’t have to kick his ass for me because I’d already be doing it.”

At that, Mac laughed. “That’s my girl.”

Quickly, the crinkles of amusement around her eyes began to fade. She furrowed her brow, twisting her head to the side to look at KJ. “...But you’re alright?” 

Kaje sank into the seat and sighed, smiling. “You already asked me that.”

“Oh.”

She paused, hunching over the steering wheel in a confused kind of concentration. 

“You ever just black out when you’re doing something?” she said after a moment.

“What- Like how?”

“Like your brain is all this buzzing all the time, and in this one moment… it’s finally not buzzing. Or- No, that’s not it,” Mac shook her head, backtracking. “Like all the bugs that are doing the brain buzzing, well now there’s just one of ‘em.”

“Only one brain bug making a buzzing sound?” Kaje clarified.

She nodded, and drummed her fingers restlessly on the top of the steering wheel. 

KJ hummed, starting to nod with her. “...I think I know what you mean. Like the adrenaline rush I get when I’m on the field?”

“ Yes ,” she agreed, folding forward with the emphasis of the word. “Or at least… I think that’s what causes it.”

Mac often started on topics that seemed to be related to nothing, but as for the direction of this one, even KJ couldn’t guess. She found the answer surprisingly quickly because then Mac fell back into her seat, laughing with fatigue. 

“I blacked out a little talking to Brandon back there,” she chuckled. “...You wanna know what that one sound in my head was?”

Mac turned to look at her with an expression so close to tenderness that she felt a warmth spread across her chest. A strand of Mac’s cropped hair fell against her freckled cheek. KJ again resisted the urge to reach out and touch. 

“It was, ‘God. Fuck. Gotta make sure Kaje is okay,’” Mac answered herself, smiling absently at the dashboard. “Anyways, that’s probably why I keep asking you that.”

Kaje unconsciously leaned towards her, not liking that Mac had looked away from her. “Thank you,” she blurted. 

“...For asking you the same question twice?”

“No, dumbass! For-” She huffed, twisting her fingers into her jacket. “For making sure I’m okay.” 

She moved forward to bump her forehead into Mac’s in what she hoped came across as a platonic way. And maybe it could have come across that way if she had kept it more casual, but she found herself unable to pull away entirely when she disconnected from Mac’s forehead. 

Mac eyes were heavy with… something. Something she didn’t seem to be aware she was showing. For a moment, KJ almost leaned in to kiss her before she realized that was possibly the stupidest idea she’d ever had. 

Mac gasped sharply and pulled her eyes to the stretch of parking lot above her steering wheel. “Yeah, just doing my due diligence as your friend… Any potential boyfriend of yours is going to have to get through Big Bad Mackenzie Coyle first,” she grinned jokingly, sticking her thumb out to point at herself. 

KJ laughed weakly as she slid back into her seat. “Yeah… potential boyfriend…”

Chapter Text

KJ had felt lighter ever since Mac told Brandon off for her. He still hovered around her in math class, but she no longer felt expected to engage with him. No one was judging her reactions, no one had giggled when she accidentally looked at him, and no one had interrupted her concentration with a stupid love note. 

In fact, everybody seemed to be giving her a wide berth. 

At field hockey practice the day after, she found she had regained some of her natural grace on the field. She once again found herself calculating her moves in a way her frustration hadn’t allowed before. She realized faintly that Brandon’s attention had made her feel pressured to come out. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to eventually, but when she did, she wanted it to be on her own terms and to the people she loved. Not to some guy that couldn’t take a hint. 

KJ pulled out of her own thoughts, realizing she was one of the only people still left on the field. She became aware of her burning lungs and throat. Maybe it was time to take a break with the rest of the girls. 

She walked over to the water cooler, where a handfull of her teammates were gathered. They all hung close to each other, talking in hushed tones. 

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” KJ asked as she approached. “Let me guess, Eileen called Jacob and all he did was sob about Rachel.”

They all glanced at each other, not moving apart to let KJ into the circle. 

Kaje stopped in front of them, leaning her equipment cautiously against the water cooler. “Haha what’s with the weird faces…?” she laughed. “Did I guess a little too right?”

“KJ…” Eileen began, shifting uncomfortably. “Has Mackenzie ever acted… weird around you?”

“Like queer weird,” Andrea added. 

KJ’s heart started to pound in her ears. “What are you asking?”

“It’s just that… we heard she acted pretty jealous when Brandon tried to ask you out. Doesn’t that make you wonder if she could be…?”

She felt herself start to seize back into her own body. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. If she’d known, she wouldn’t have ever let Mac stand up for her. 

KJ breathed out tensely, going cold. “If you’re asking what I think you’re asking-”

“But she’s a lesbian though, right?” Andrea asked, and the word hit her right in the center. “I mean, what with how she looks, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” she snapped. 

“She wears men's clothes, Kaje. And her hair is short.”

KJ huffed, rolling her eyes. “Dressing like that doesn’t make her gay, Andrea.”

“But what would make her gay is if she had a crush on you…” Christina added. “Which she totally does.”

Every muscle in her body wanted to jump. Despite all the fear and anger coursing through her, there was some stupid part of her that liked hearing that. Her teammates didn’t know that what they were warning her about was something she desperately wanted. 

She shook her head, trying to keep the red that was creeping into her face away. “That is fucking ridiculous,” she grumbled. 

Kaje snatched her hockey equipment from where she’d set it against the cooler and started to stalk off. She felt disgusting and disgusted. 

“See you. I’m going home.”

-----------------------------------------

On Saturday of that week, Mac and KJ drifted through the aisles of the Cleveland public library. Mac had mentioned she was going there to see if they had a copy of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency back in. She’d wanted to read it ever since she’d finished Hitchhiker's Guide but had never gotten around to it. 

When KJ decided to tag along on this little excursion, she’d hoped she’d get to see Mac truly comfortable in her element. Instead, she was hunched protectively over herself with her hands crushed into her pockets. Kaje hoped it wasn’t about what she thought it was. 

“Hey,” she said, gently shaking Mac’s shoulder. “What’s up with you today? You’ve got your drawstrings pulled pretty tight.”  

Mac pulled her hoodie drawstrings in even tighter. “Ugh. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Kaje sighed and glanced off to the side in thought. After a moment her eyes lit up. “...Hey, we could go find the Flower Fairies of the Spring book again. I know you like the illustrations in that one.”

“No. Stop, you don’t-” Mac huffed, fists clenching in her pockets. “I know what you’re trying to do, and you don’t have to.”

“Mackenzie, we’re either going to talk about it, or I’m going to bother you into cheering up. Those are your two options,” Kaje asserted. 

Mac opened her mouth in protest before looking away at the floor. “...Yeah, Flower Fairies sounds nice,” she mumbled.  

They didn’t end up having to search around much for it. It was one of those books that Mac used to place renewal after renewal on, so she knew exactly where it was down to the slot. She slid it out from its shelf in the ‘Bar’s section and trudged over to a table. Kaje sat down next to her, feeling the sides of their feet press together under the tabletop. 

Mac sighed and flipped silently through it for a moment, the tension in her shoulders starting to dissolve. KJ rested her cheek in her palm and just sat back to observe her. 

“So… What’s your favorite thing about this book?” she prompted, tracing lazy circles on the table with her free hand. 

Mac side-eyed her suspiciously, wise to the obvious attempt to get her to talk. “I don’t know, I just- I just think the flowers are nice,” she replied, curling around the book almost protectively.  

Kaje kept quiet, smiling to herself. She could already see Mac’s lips begin to twitch as she made a valiant effort not to word vomit. 

“I mean, it’s basically baby’s-first-guide-to-botany,” Mac finally burst out. “See, you get colorful pictures, pretty big font… Also it’s got this kind of genius in that it personifies the plants. Kids do that shit to nearly any inanimate object they come across anyway. The fairies also add interest.” She slid the book cautiously over to KJ and tapped the page she was looking at.

“Most children have, like, a whole faze about them. I remember when I first joined brownie scouts and they were teaching us basic plant identification and stuff. I thought it was really cool, so I checked this book out and just stumbled around the woods with it trying to match plants up with the pictures.” 

Kaje obligingly glanced at the page before settling her eyes back on Mac. “You’re really smart, you know?”

“Uh… I mean, not really. I was an idiot chucklefuck who faceplanted into brambles and anthills.” 

“No, but what you were saying just now,” she said, smiling earnestly. “It was really smart.”

Mac didn’t seem to know what to do with that statement. She sat there gaping dumbly for a couple seconds before finally swallowing a breath of air. 

“...Look at that watercolor for a second,” she continued, picking out the vibrant yellows of the celandine fairy’s skirt with a bruised fingernail. “Like, that shit is masterful. You’d almost expect it to be done by marker, what with the control Cicely Barker kept over how much the pigment ran, but what she probably did was use a small amount of water in those places where she needed to be precise and went over it super slowly.”

“Amazing…” KJ sighed, feeling butterflies push up into her throat. 

“Better watch out, KJ. Haven’t you heard Mackenzie’s a freak?” someone taunted. 

She swallowed down the butterflies. 

“Probably gets a thrill from you sitting so close to her,” another voice laughed. 

Kaje scrambled to push her chair back. The irony of it was that she was the one who had scooted closer. Her leg still tingled with how it had been pressed up against Mac’s a second ago. 

Mac stood up so fast her chair flew out from under her. “Oh, fuck off. Are you really going to believe dumbass highschool gossip of all things?” 

One of their two dickhead classmates sneered. “We are if it’s true,” he said.  

KJ only had a moment to realize what Mac was about to do before she sprung over the table. Kaje swooped in to catch her by the waist before she could throw hands. Mac struggled against her, but eventually her greater size and solid grip won out. The assholes wandered away, snickering to themselves. 

“Why the fuck did you stop me?!” Mac seethed, still feebly wiggling in an attempt to free herself. 

“They’re not worth it, Mac. Do you really want to get banned from the library?”

She finally went slack after a moment and KJ opened up her arms. Mac ducked out of her grasp, fists curling around her hoodie strings. “ Ugh. No,” she admitted.  

Kaje sucked in a deep breath, preparing to ask a question she already figured the answer to. “...Is this what you were upset about earlier?”

Mac nodded from her slowly encroaching cocoon of sweatshirt. 

KJ surged up behind her, hands hovering uncertainly in the air above her shoulders. “Hey, hey ,” she soothed. “It’ll be fine, just- C’mon, let’s go somewhere a little less busy.”

They stumbled into the less traveled corner of the library; the area where they kept the law textbooks. There was an ever-present chill of quiet here that was missing from the children’s section. Mac collapsed like a lawn chair with her back to the bookshelves while KJ hovered uneasily behind her.  

“Look, Mac…” she began, settling next to her. “It’s not a problem with you. It’s a problem with Brandon.”

“...How d’you figure?”

“I mean, they’re saying that because you turned down Brandon for me, right?”

“Among other things…” Mac mumbled to herself.

“He just can’t admit that any girl could possibly be uninterested. He probably made up the rumour so he could blame my rejection on someone else.”

Mac didn’t respond, just dug the base of her palm into her eye. The skin came away wet. 

She sniffed, furiously wiping at the tears that were starting to spill over her cheeks. “ Shit. ”

KJ gulped, instinctively holding her hands out. “Woah, woah are you-?”

Mac tore her palms away from her face. “ Fucking goddamnit, I didn’t want to -”

“Was it-? Mac, was it something I said?”

She sniffed again, shaking her head. “No, it’s just- Shit… ” She broke off, too frustrated to do anything but wipe her tears off onto her pants. “Those dickbags don’t exactly have new material.”

“You mean…”

“For God’s sake, Kaje!” Mac choked. “Have you seen me?! It doesn’t exactly take Isaac Fucking Newton to figure out which of the… I don’t know, five demeaning names highschool jackasses call people that would be most applicable!” she snarled, gesturing to her cropped hair and oversized clothes.

So it was exactly what she had feared. This had been going on longer than KJ had ever noticed or saw. 

“Mac…” she sighed. 

“I don’t even know why I’m crying right now…” Mac griped at herself, ignoring KJ. “Shouldn’t even give them the satisfaction.”

Something pushed up into KJ’s throat again. Not love this time, but a deep anger and injury attached to it. “You’re crying… because it hurts,” she said, feelings cresting on the back of her tongue. “And you should get to feel hurt.”

Mac huffed a humourless breath of air. “Ha. I guess.”

KJ shook her head, anger igniting. “No, I’m serious. This fucking sucks and you get to be upset about it.”

“...Why are you…” Mac began, blinking slowly at her. “So intense right now?”

She realized she had fallen forward into a crouch, pitching her body towards Mac. She fell back onto the bookshelf, trying to relax. Why had she been so intense? It was a question she knew the answer to the moment she had asked it of herself.

She shook her head again, this time slightly, imperceptibly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just… getting mad on your behalf.”

When Mac laughed this time, it was snotty and genuine. “No, don’t be sorry, it’s…” She glanced up at KJ and then looked away. “Nice.”

Tentatively, her head tipped to rest on KJ’s shoulder. Kaje took the opportunity to shift herself to face Mac and scoop her into a hug. She felt the tickle of Mac’s hands hovering over her shoulders, like she was waiting for something. 

“...Should you really be hugging me right now?” she said after a moment. 

“Why not?”

Mac tucked her nose into KJ’s neck. “Well, everybody thinks that I…”

“Shut up. I’m hugging you harder now.”

As Kaje started to squeeze her almost ferociously, she laughed, finally curling her fingers over KJ’s shoulders. It didn’t matter what anyone thought outside of the two of them in that moment. And it was true, halfway true at least. Some girl had completely fallen for her best friend. 

So what? It was nobody’s business anyway. 

Chapter Text

In English class the Monday of the following week, KJ sat listening to the swirl of chatter about homecoming happening around her. Everybody had been talking about it well before that week, but it was in more of a casual way; It was thoughtful consideration rather than intense urgency. 

Now with student council popping into the daily loudspeaker announcements and the posters taped into the bathroom stall doors, everybody suddenly felt they needed a date. 

A girl at KJ’s table whose name was probably Judy leaned over to her. “Hey, KJ do you think you’re going to homecoming this year?” she asked, dangly-rhinestone earrings swinging eagerly. “Student Council announced the theme, and it sounds pretty cool.” 

Kaje leaned all the way back in her seat. She’d never seriously considered going, but that was before she’d ever liked anyone. “Umm… I mean, I might go. Just to try it out.”

“You mean you never went as an underclassman?” Judy gasped. 

Erin, who was sitting next to her, shook her head. “No, I think both years we did some kind of night at the bowling alley instead.”

“Oh yeah, I remember! I think last time I had some bad nachos or something because I remember barfing my guts out over one of those huge plastic trash bins,” Kaje interjected, scrunching her face up at the memory.  

“Surely homecoming is going to be better than that."

“I don’t know, maybe not,” KJ shrugged. “The rest of the night was pretty fun, afterall.”

“Well if you were to go, do you have a date in mind?” Judy asked.

KJ tried not to let the rush of heat that swept through her go to her face. Mac wouldn’t go with her, would she? Would she freak out too much at the prospect of going with a girl, even as friends?

Instead of voicing these concerns, she simply replied, “February 8th.”

“Oh, haha,” Judy said, unlaughing. 

“I think by that, she means no,” Tiffany added from a table nearby. 

“Aw c’mon. There isn’t a single guy you’d want to ask?”

KJ felt her lips start to curl downwards and quickly tried to flatten them. It was fine, it was just a stupid question she didn’t actually have to care about. It was making no significant emotional impact on her. 

“You really think you’re gonna get that out of her?” Tiffany laughed, raising an eyebrow. “We’re her closest friends and we don’t hear about any of her crushes.”

“I just- They’re stupid,” she stumbled. “Why waste time telling you about them?”

“And there isn’t anyone you think wants to ask you?” Judy questioned.

Out of the many congealed homecoming conversations throughout the room, a shrill voice surfaced; “Haha, I bet I know who’d love to ask you.” 

Erin flipped around to the offender’s table so fast KJ almost didn’t think she saw her move. “You’d better not be talking about who I think you’re talking about, Natalie.”

A snide laughter that KJ was becoming all too familiar with rose up from the table. 

“What?” the boy next to Natalie mocked. “It’s common knowledge Mackenzie Coyle is a little dy-”

“David, so help me God, I will smack you in the face,” Erin seethed, fingers clenched into the plastic back of her chair. 

Tiffany pivoted her chair over to glare over at them. Under the combined forces of Tiff and Erin, the hecklers surrendered. KJ felt her chest swell with gratitude. 

After Natalie and David had well and truly moved past them, KJ beckoned Erin to huddle close to her. “Hey. I have an idea,” she said under her breath. “We should go together; You, me, Tiffany and Mac.”

Erin bobbed her head excitedly, grin full of tooth. 

“Hell yeah. Girl gang,” Tiff smiled, hearing them from her table nearby.  

They fistbumped amongst themselves in their little triangle of friendship. It was decided. The Paper Girls were going to homecoming. 

------------------------------

As soon as the bell released them from English, KJ set off through the hallways on a mission. Mac’s locker wasn’t ridiculously far from her next period, so if she hurried right over, she could comfortably make it to class on time. 

Through the clusters of students milling about in the hallways, Kaje had just begun to see the familiar top of a coppery head of hair. One move past a rowdy blockade of students and she could see Mac’s hunched form fiddling with her lock. 

Kaje’s sneakers made a squeak as she stopped short. Her fingers twisted uneasily around her backpack straps. ‘Stupid, it’s not like you’re actually asking her on a date.’

She swallowed down the thickness in her throat and marched ahead. 

“Hey, so you know homecoming is coming up, right?” Kaje asked as casually as she could. 

Mac’s eyes flicked up to hers, noticing her before focusing back on the lock. “No, the posters on every goddamn surface of this school didn’t clue me in,” she grumbled. 

“Do you-” ‘Deep breath in and out.' “Do you think you’re gonna go?” 

“I mean, not if nobody’s asking me,” Mac replied flatly, eyes still focused in front of her. “And who the fuck would ask me anyway?”

“I would!”

It was then that Mac fully looked at her, sharp and careful. 

KJ blushed, fully embarrassed at how quick she had blurted that out. “I mean, me, Erin and Tiff would,” she amended. “We were thinking of going together… as like, a friend thing.” 

Mac blanked with understanding, gaze moving vacantly to the space just below KJ’s ear. Then bewilderingly, her expression soured like something had just put her out.  

“...I take it this means we’re not doing the bowling thing?” she said after a second. 

Oh.

That was it. That must be it. 

Kaje was quick to be reassuring. “It’s up to you! If you really don’t want to go, we could. Do the bowling thing, that is,” she said, wincing at her awkward addition. 

Mac immediately shook her head. “No, I wouldn’t want to- If you all really want to go, I’m not going to be the wet blanket.”

“You sure?”

Mac paused, her courteous resolve briefly seeming to break. Slowly, once, she dipped her head. When she leveled her gaze with KJ’s again, an odd and breathless wonder overtook her. 

“Yeah. I’m sure,” she croaked. 

--------------------------------------

The evening of homecoming found KJ standing in front of the mirror, fussing over appearance. It wasn’t like it was something she normally did. She’d check occasionally to see if her hair was laying in the way she thought it was, and inspecting the progress the scab on her elbow had made, but never had she gotten her face so close to the mirror that she was leaving breath marks. 

It was probably idiotic to be paying this close attention. If Mac liked her, then she probably thought she was pretty all the time, and if she didn’t, then dressing up nice wasn’t going to change that. But a very small and very dumb part of her brain didn’t care and currently had her flicking at her eyelashes to make sure they fanned out in the right direction. 

Downstairs the doorbell rang. 

“Karina! That’ll be your friends!” her mom shouted to her soon after. 

KJ thundered down the stairs, fastening the backings onto her earrings as she went. “Coming!”

She threw open the door to find Tiffany, Erin and Mac standing on her front porch. Tiffany was wearing a black slip dress with shiny green decals of lizards on it, and lime green eyeshadow that she somehow made work. Erin stood beaming in a light blue pinafore, with a star-shaped pendant hanging from her neck. Mac hovered restlessly behind them. 

“KJ, you look so pretty!” Erin gushed. “And your hair is so fluffy!”

Kaje moved in to scoop her into a hug. “You look amazing too! And thanks, my mom did it.”

“I hope you’re properly jazzed for tonight, ‘cause we’re going to make homecoming even better,” Tiffany grinned, shaking her by the shoulder. 

“Tiff, with that black lipstick look, you make any event better.”

Tiffany put a playful hand to her cheek. “What, little old me?”

Mac impatiently jangled her keys from where she stood on the edge of the porch. “We should get going, guys. Our chariot awaits, and shit.”

Tiffany and Erin edged apart to look at her then, and for the first time since they’d arrived, KJ could see her properly. She was wearing what was obviously a suit a couple sizes too big that she’d hemmed to fit her height. The jacket and pants were a loud and indescribable pattern like something off of a movie theater carpet, and suspenders were holding the pants up over a clean, white button up. Her hair was more pushed back at the front than usual. 

KJ felt her insides start to squirm. “Wow, you look…”

‘You cannot say ‘hot.’ For the love of god, don’t say ‘hot.’’

“ ...Fun,” she finished.  

“Huh?” Mac looked down distractedly at her outfit. “Oh yeah. Since we couldn’t go to the bowling alley, I decided to be the bowling alley.” 

Mac’s expression quickly turned into that same one of breathlessness and awe as before. “You look… fun too,” she smiled.

KJ smacked her lips, throat suddenly dry. 

“Please,” she laughed, waving Mac off. “I couldn’t possibly compare to that pattern.”

Mac’s eyes glanced her up and down in a way that was quick, but still seemed to catch in places. She looked like possibly she disagreed with KJ’s assertion. Although Kaje might have just been reading too much into a look. 

“Hey, what are you guys standing around for?” Tiffany asked, breaking them out of whatever stupor they’d been in. “Wasn’t it you who said we should get going?”

Mac turned slowly on her heel, realizing Tiff was talking to her. “Right.” 

She dashed over to her mustard-yellow kammback parked conspicuously by the curb and climbed into the driver’s seat. “Pile in,” she said, sweeping one arm out. “Doors should already be unlocked.”

Once they’d all found their places, and Mac had listened out for the click of all three seat belts, she twisted the key in the ignition and the car sputtered to life. 

“Hey wait, why does KJ get to sit in the front?” Erin asked, resting her chin on the top of Mac’s seat. 

“Because if we get in a car crash, I’m taking her down with me.”

“...I don’t know if I like sitting in the front anymore,” KJ mumbled. 

Mac eased the car into 20mph. “Well too late! We’re moving!” she cackled. 

Tiffany whooped and cranked down the window to shout ‘Autobots, roll out!’ into the resounding quiet of the neighborhood. When she started to laugh, everybody laughed along with her. 

-----------------------------------

Later that night found KJ standing awkwardly by herself on the outskirts of the gym. Erin and Tiffany had split off to go scout out the games that had been set up in the hallways and a couple of the classrooms. There was some kind of knock-off plinko game, and a round of bingo going in Mrs. Whitehouse’s room. After Tiffany and Erin had left, Mac stood by her looking at her hands for a moment before mumbling something about going to find snacks. 

That left KJ regretfully alone when Brandon started walking towards her. 

“KJ! What’s up?” he grinned. “Didn’t think I’d see you out here tonight.”

 “It’s Karina,” she deadpanned, shrugging off his attempt to clap her on the shoulder.

He chuckled. “Right. Aw sorry, Karina.”

Brandon paused to swivel his head slyly around the gym. “So… Who are you here with?” he asked. 

“My friends.”

“That’s surprising.”

KJ crossed her arms over her chest. “….Why?”

“I mean, I can’t imagine you don’t have at least a couple guys lining up to ask you.”

She laughed, sharp and insincere. “Yeah, well-”

“I bet it’s that scary red-headed chick that’s always hanging around you.”

Kaje’s heart dropped to the bottom of her rib cage. 

“Excuse me?”

“You know. What’s-her-name?” Brandon prodded, going into his next words in a voice that was clearly meant to ape Mac’s. “‘Give her back her books’?”

KJ pivoted her body away from him. “Mac. Her name is Mac,” she said, gritting her teeth. 

“It’s true, isn’t it?” he pushed, rotating so that they were face to face again. “That she’s got some kind of gay crush on you? Saw as much when I tried to ask you out.” 

“Brandon. Listen-”

“You know you don’t have to let her push you around, right?” he interrupted. “You can go to homecoming with whoever you want.”

It was then that Mac herself stepped into their bubble, clutching a bag of chips. 

Brandon turned to smile hostilely at her. “Speak of the devil. And she’s wearing suspenders.”

Mac ignored him in favor of looking to KJ, though it was clearly taking all of her willpower not to engage. “Kaje? You good?” she asked. “I can bring the car around if you’ve had it for the night.”

“Wait, did you come here with her?” he asked.  

“And what about it?” Kaje snapped back at him, trying to unfold herself into a more confident shape. 

“You honestly can’t see what’s happening here? How she’s completely monopolizing your time?”

She took a deeply furious breath. “Friends hang out with each other, Brandon.”

He took a step closer to Mac, who’s eyes he since hadn’t looked away from. “But that’s not it, isn’t it?” he laughed. “You’ve got this weird crush on her and you want her all to yourself. It’s disgusting, is what it is.” 

Mac, who had up until then been making a formidable effort to stare him straight in the eye, glanced down to the ground. KJ noticed her ears start to burn at the tips. 

“See, she’s looking away,” he hissed, nearly into her red ear now. “It’s true. She’s a dyke.”

KJ flung herself in between them and shoved hard at his chest. “Don’t talk to her that way! Don’t call her that!” she snarled. 

“Why should you even care?”

She lifted her trembling shoulders until they nearly touched the sides of her neck. “Because I’m a dyke, Brandon.”

Her words hung suspended in the the air. She hoped no one had noticed her. She hoped no one had heard. But at the same time, she felt herself settle with a new weight. Now every dreadfully secret anger she’d ever harboured, she had finally enough bravery to express. 

“Because I’m gay,” she continued, bearing up under herself. “I know I don’t look like your idea of a lesbian, but that doesn’t make me any less of one. I mean, for fuck’s sake! I wouldn’t even have to be here saying this right now if you’d just taken a hint that I wasn’t interested! You want girls to like you? Try being a better fucking human being. And you were right. I’ll admit you were half right.”

 “There was a lesbian in this equation,” she said, gesturing between herself and Mac. “But you got the wrong girl. It was me the whole time. And even if it wasn’t me, and I could ever possibly like you back, girls don’t normally appreciate you calling their friends homophobic slurs. So yeah. That’s why I care.”

Apparently Brandon enjoyed being told off by KJ just as much as he enjoyed being told off by Mac. His face was red with utter anger and humiliation. 

“Fine,” he muttered. “Always thought there was something weird about you anyway.”

KJ rolled her eyes as he sulked away.

“Can you believe him?” she scoffed, turning to face Mac. “I mean, a second ago I was some virtuous maiden who needed to be rescued from the big, bad-”

She stopped, noticing that Mac hadn’t moved or spoken, her pasty, freckled skin turning even whiter. 

Kaje reached out a tentative hand towards her. “...Mac, are you-?”

She shoved her hand away. 

Mac gulped. “You’re a-?”

“Shit . Just- Just let me explain.”

She shook her head, eyes swimming with distress. “I can’t- I just-”

She ran away, leaving KJ desolate at the brink of the gym again.

Chapter Text

A couple days later, KJ sat on her bed with her legs tucked close to her chest. Her heart felt more sensitive than usual, like any slight thing might agitate it. It had been a brave but admittedly stupid thing to do, coming out. She’d noticed Mac looking at her, sometimes, in the halls. She could never quite decipher it, but Mac never came over to talk to her, so that meant something probably bad.

Kaje curled into herself further. 

Erin and Tiff had lately been more gentle to her. After Mac fled the gym in a panic, KJ had tried to collect herself and seek them out. They were sitting in Mrs. Whitehouse’s room at the cramped metal desks with  a cast of other teenagers in homecoming getup. They were in the middle of a blackout round of bingo when KJ tiptoed over to their desks. She couldn’t remember what she’d said, but the hot sting of tears had started to collect in her eyes, and Tiffany scooped an arm around her back to guide her to the girls’ bathroom. 

She told them everything. About Brandon, about being gay, about how Mac had heard. It should have been a little harder than it was, but the words had come spilling out of her so fast she didn’t really have time to think about anything she was saying. Erin’s hand stroked the top of her head, her arm draped across KJ’s shoulders. 

Later, Erin called her dad on one of the phones in the office to come and pick them up. 

When Kaje stumbled into the entryway of her house, her mom was peeking out the curtains to look at the car that dropped her off. ‘ Not Mac’s car? ’ she said, and KJ waved her off to say Mac had some big family emergency to attend to. 

She was drawn out of her thoughts by a tapping noise on the window. She rolled over to the window and slid open the pane. 

A little ball of paper hit her in the face. 

“God, sorry!” a voice yelled from the front lawn below. Kaje peeked over the sill to catch Mac’s wincing face. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked. 

Mac cleared her throat and reached behind herself to pull her math textbook out of her backpack.

KJ rolled her eyes and moved to close the window. 

“Wait!” Mac shouted. “Wait. I have a test coming up. Please, I don’t understand a goddamn thing on it.”

Kaje paused, one hand still on the latch. Mac never said please. Especially not in earnest. And even though she was angry, she still did miss her terribly. 

“Fine,” she sighed. “But as soon as we’re done, get out of my house.”

Mac nodded solemnly. “Promise, Kaje.”

KJ trudged downstairs to let Mac in through the front door. She opened to Mac clutching her textbook to her chest, feet planted awkwardly on the porch. She didn’t step forward to come in until KJ moved aside as a queue to invite her in the house. 

They each made their way to the dining room and pulled out a chair for themselves. The air was stifling as they sat there in silence. KJ noticed that Mac was looking at her the same way she’d been looking at her the past few days, but she didn’t pay it any mind.  

“What’s it on?” she asked. 

Mac snapped out of her stupor. “Huh?”

“The test. What’s it on?”

She looked down to the table, no longer at KJ. “Graphing sin, cos and tan,” she said. 

“ ...And you don’t get anything?”

“Yeah.”

KJ slid down in her chair, trying to ignore the underlying conversation. “ ...Alright, so the graphs of sin and cos should be pretty easy to explain. They’re just repeating wave patterns,” she said, grabbing a paper out of Mac’s bag to draw two lines of squiggles. “Tangent graphs are sketchier territory.”

“Uhuh.”

“They’re like… Have you seen one? They’re kinda like really long cursive ‘s’s.” She began to sketch those out as well on the paper. 

“KJ,” Mac said. 

“They’re particularly weird because they’ve got these recurring gaps in the domain.”

“KJ,” she tried again. 

Kaje stopped drawing to give her a side glance, her pencil still hovering over the paper.  

“Thank you,” she said, and it seemed achingly genuine. 

She looked back down “...Don’t mention it.”

“No really, I mean thank you. You’ve always been-” Mac winced, taking back what she’d been about to say. “...I just really appreciate you.”

“Funny way of showing it.”

She breathed tensely out of her teeth. “...That was shit of me to do.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“And I’m so fucking sorry. It was-”

“It was about how I expected you to react anyway,” KJ interrupted, disappointment she didn’t mean to show dripping into her voice. 

Mac hung her head. “Yeah, I- Okay, I deserve that.”

“Why’d you do it?” Kaje asked, staring at her head on now. 

She went quiet. 

“Why’d you run away like that? We could have talked about it.”

She shook her head. “I couldn’t- I didn’t-”

“You couldn’t what?” KJ asked, dipping down towards her face. 

“I couldn’t have talked about it, Kaje. It was- It was too-” She choked, breath coming up from her throat in gasps and her eyes blinking rapidly. “It was too close ."

“...What do you mean?”

“It was too close because it’s true ,” she pressed. “It’s true, Kaje, and I couldn’t- I was scared.”

KJ leaned slightly away from her. “...Scared of me?”

“No, no . I was scared because- Fuck ,” she slammed her hands down onto the table. “I was scared because they were right! The whole time I really was a dyke who was so stupidly, stupidly …” Mac trailed off, grabbing at her hair. That something in her eyes was completely exposed now. 

“But it was safe for a while ‘cause you could never like me back, and then you just have to go and be a lesbian too, and suddenly it was like…” Suddenly realizing she might have let on too much, she turned her head away. “I don’t know. Don’t listen to me... Just forget I said any of this.”

Wait, wait. 

So Mac was saying…?

“...You really do like me,” KJ said, sitting back dumbfounded in her chair.

Mac blushed guiltily. “Well yeah , but just forget that I-”

Mac wasn’t able to get the rest of her sentence out, because then KJ was leaning across the table in relief and kissing her soundly on the lips. She felt Mac tense under her, and oh god, what if she’d done something irreversibly wrong? But then Mac sighed against her cheek and she felt the flutter of hesitant fingers against her jaw. Her stomach pitched sharp with nerves. 

Kaje scooted forward in her chair to get closer, and finally Mac’s grip on her face solidified. Her thumb kept moving in small circles across the stretch of her cheek. KJ put a hand on her knee and rubbed those same circles back and forth. Mac’s knee twitched nervously, and god her hands were in her hair now. She had to get closer. She needed to-

She fell out of her chair.

Kaje barely escaped clipping her head on the side of the table by bracing herself against Mac’s knee and the tabletop. She raised her head to find Mac’s startled eyes meet hers. Her lips quirked up into a smile and they both began to laugh at themselves. 

“What-? What does that mean?” Mac laughed shyly. 

Kaje situated herself back in her chair. “Oh my god, you really are a gay dumbass. What do you think it means?” she grinned. 

Mac glanced away very cautiously, not getting any less red. “That you… like me?”

KJ leaned in to give her a quick peck on the cheek. “Yeah.”

Mac reached up to touch her lips. “God, you shoulda done that sooner.”

Kaje reddened. “I- I thought about it…”

“Oh,” Mac said, equally embarrassed. “When?”

She grabbed at the back of her neck. “ ...That time we were in your car. And you were talking to me about mind bugs or something.”

“You… You wanted to kiss me after I said that? ”

“Hey, you’re really cute when you just say stuff,” Kaje said, propping her chin up in her palm. “Plus you just defended me from an asshole.”

Mac stopped for a beat, eyes filling with guilt. “ I am an asshole.”

“Mac, it’s- I forgive you. You felt sorry about it, you apologized… All I really needed was to know you didn’t hate me.”

“I couldn’t…” Mac breathed. 

“Yeah, I know that now , but I used to be scared about-” Kaje stopped. Raised her hands. “God. No. I don’t actually want to talk about this.”

“Ugh. That’s so stupid,” Mac groaned, dragging her hands down her face in despair. “All this time the cute girl I had a crush on was scared I’d be mad at her for having a crush on me. That’s so fucking stupid.”

“I’m cute?”

“What kind of a fucking question even is that? You’re tall and you’ve got, like, hot arms and stuff,” she stammered. 

“My arms . Are hot .”

Mac hid her face in her hands. “Shut up. I’m not telling you anything else.”

“I’ll shut up about it if you kiss me,” KJ laughed. 

Mac seemed to take that as a dare, because she scooted her chair petulantly close to KJ’s and leaned in. Kaje giggled as Mac’s lips met hers for the second time within ten minutes. Her hands were cold at the back of her neck. Several times they kept breaking away for barely a breath before swooping right back in to idle in another kiss. 

They only broke away for good when Mac’s hand started to drift down to feel KJ’s arm. Kaje made the mistake of smiling, which Mac could feel and had her pulling away in embarrassment. 

“Shut up,” she grumbled. 

“Didn’t say anything.”

At some point they moved to the couch, abandoning Mac’s math homework for sitting against each other and talking. Kaje was delighted to find that once Mac knew you liked her, she wasn’t averse to you stroking her hair and kissing her on a whim. 

They must have lost track of time, because then KJ could feel the familiar rattle of the garage door opening and knew that her parents must have come home. They scrambled apart and Kaje turned on the TV to make it look like they were doing something else, but when her mom walked in, their hands were still entwined. 

-------------------------------------

Kaje had been walking on air all week after she and Mac got together. She couldn’t focus in class, and during passing time, she found herself hovering near Mac’s locker so she could walk her to her next period. Erin and Tiffany were incredibly supportive, but they kept sharing exasperated looks at lunch whenever they caught Mac and KJ holding hands under the table. 

That day at hockey practice, she wasn't in any different of a mood. 

“So Eileen called Jacob and he asked her on a date,” Andrea announced triumphantly. “I think we can safely say KJ was wrong about him.”

Kaje shook her head in amusement and turned to smile at the girl of the hour. “Great. Happy for you, Eileen.”

“Thanks, Kaje,” she blushed back. 

“So anyways, what’s up with you and Brandon? He hasn’t showed up at practice for a while.”

KJ snorted. “He just wasn’t really my type.”

“ Really? ” Christina joined. “Well in that case, I’ll take him.” 

A soft set of footsteps padded through the grass towards them. “No, trust me. You don’t want him,” Mac assured, from outside their circle. 

Once they all noticed her, the girls nudged away from her. They glanced tensely between each other and back to Kaje, expecting her to move back as well. Confusingly for them Kaje stepped closer. 

They had discussed at length whether or not they wanted to be out at school the night they kissed. For the first time, when she asked herself that question Kaje had finally felt ready to take it on. Mac would have been less sure if her brother hadn’t moved out of the house, but now that it had less of a chance of getting back to her parents, she agreed to it fairly easily. 

Kaje slung an arm over Mac’s shoulder. “Hey, what’s up babe? You’re looking gorgeous today.”

Mac, hot and dizzy at being called ‘babe,’ pulled nervously at her shirt. “Stop. You’re overdoing it,” she smiled. 

Kaje swooped down to kiss her red cheek. “Absolutely not.”

“What the hell is going on?” Andrea piped up. 

“Oh!” KJ exclaimed, with an exaggerated smile. “Haven’t I mentioned that Mac here is my girlfriend? That I’m dating? Because I’m a lesbian?” Her head bobbed cagily along with each start and stop sentence. 

“Are you still mad at us for talking about Mac? Is this some kind of weird getback?” Christina asked. 

“Nope. I really am gay. Have been the whole time.”

“And you’re really dating…”

KJ didn’t respond, only turned to gaze lovingly down at Mac. Her teammates shifted uncomfortably next to them. 

“...Well I’m happy for her,” Eileen said after a moment. 

Everybody turned to look at her in surprise, including Mac and KJ. 

“What?” she shrugged. “She’s been giddy all afternoon. You can’t deny there’s something good about it if it makes her so happy.”

“Eileen, I really hope Jacob treats you right,” Kaje grinned, slipping her hand into Mac’s.

She blushed at the mention of Jacob and swung gently back and forth. “Thanks.”

Kaje swung her and Mac’s entwined hands along with Eileen’s nervous rocking. “Anyways, looks like practice is over, so I’m gonna let Mac take me home.”

As they moved to head to the Kammback, the cluster of girls dispersed away from them. Christina and Andrea refused to look them in the eyes out of sheer embarrassment. Once they’d gotten a ridiculously far distance across the field, KJ turned back and cupped a hand to her mouth. 

“And we’re going to make out a lot in her car!” her tiny figure yelled to the water cooler. 

The even tinier figure of Mac reached up to smack her on the back of the head, and her exclamation of ‘Jesus, Kaje!’ carried well to the ears of the now even more embarrassed field hockey team.