Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The street was busy, people came from all directions but you ignored them all as you looked up at the rich brick building standing rigidly before you. It was nice, as were most of the buildings in London, but the windows were foreboding, just reflecting the glare from the sky like sightless eyes. You tried to ignore the pit in your stomach, the bottomless feeling of dread that had been churning there since the whole process had started. You understood this needed to happen, the fights had gotten out of control, you could see the loathing in his eyes when he looked at you, the hatred in his jerky gestures, you weren’t much better. The trust was gone, your disappearing act to France had tipped him over the edge regardless of how much you told him you needed it. And it made your heart heavy. 

Someone knocked your shoulder making you lurch back a step into someone else which started a string of profanities from the people whose day had been interrupted by a slight bump. But this was London, you didn’t get in anyone’s way here. You dodged your way through the ever moving crowd finally setting foot in the quiet lobby, taking a moment to just breathe. 

“Can I help you?” Reluctantly you made your way to the desk where a pretty young woman sat, beaming a disarming smile at you. 

“I have a meeting, about now.” 

“Name?” Her long fingernails clicked the keys on her computer when you told her your name, mentally noting that it wouldn’t be your name for much longer. “Take the lift to floor two and Mr Taylor will be waiting for you.” You mumbled a thanks, clutching the handle of your bag. It felt like a dead weight all of a sudden, your feet dragged, your blouse was scratchy and uncomfortable even though it was your favourite. Your hand shook when you pushed the button, the sick feeling in your stomach increasing with the jolt of the lift. This is for the best. It’s for the best. We are not making a huge mistake. We tried. We. Tried. But no matter how many times you told yourself that it still felt like you were losing a piece of yourself, he was your best friend, your confidant, your person, your husband. But some wounds just could not be repaired. 

The door parted to reveal your lawyer, he had a kind face, warm eyes that held a hint of sorrow for your situation. He greeted you kindly but what he was telling you just became background noise when you saw your husband for the first time in weeks. He was nodding at his lawyer, running a large hand through his bright red hair. He looked smart in his suit, but then he always looked smart. He had stubble you noticed, usually he didn’t let it grow but it seemed many things had changed, things you were no longer privy to. As you approached the glass walled room his eyes looked up and your heart skipped a beat when your gazes locked. Great, he still had that effect on you even after all this. Of course he would, he had been the love of your life for years. Your lawyer opened the door and let you slip into the room before him. Your palms became clammy and you rubbed them nervously on your thighs as you sat down, swallowing nervously you hoped you weren’t going to be sick here, that would be the last thing you needed to happen. A tingling sensation raced under your skin making you momentarily light headed until you were slammed back into the room when the papers were placed before you. 

“…it really is the simplest and easiest divorce I’ve ever seen.” Your gaze rose to glare at the other lawyer but he wasn’t intimidated by your state at all. 

“Just sign here my dear and print here,” Mr Taylor pointed out, making you want to snap and tell him you could read. Internally you were screaming as you reached for the fountain pen, it was heavy and probably worth a fair amount, the thought coming uselessly to your mind. The gold nip glinted innocently in the light and you looked up to see Hux watching you intently with those stunning green eyes. 

“This is really what you want?” You asked, pleased to hear your tone was even and unwavering.

“We agreed.” You wanted to argue that point….but wasn’t that the issue? Neither of you could give an inch, both of you thought you were in the right while seeing each other in the wrong. Something had to give and that something was your marriage. 

You signed with a flourish, Hux barely waiting for the ink to dry across your name before he was signing with a rough scratch.

And then it was over. He got up, doing up his suit jacket, shaking hands with both lawyers before leaving without a backwards glance, walking out and taking a piece of you with him. You stared at the surface of the table, suddenly reeling from the simplicity of it, the effortless way the connection between you was broken. All those years, the moments you had together now meant nothing, tainted with hatred and self loathing that you had allowed this to happen. 

“Are you alright?” You scoffed lightly bringing a hand to your mouth and absently tracing the line of your lips. 

“No, Andy. No I’m not.” You stood, the bitter taste in your mouth was trickling down your throat and burning a hole in your stomach. “Thanks, for making it as painless as possible.” 

“You did that by signing the prenuptial agreement,” you could see he was trying to lighten the mood but it didn’t work. He just single handedly told you, you were the one to make this separation easy. And yet, it was anything but easy on your heart. 

The street was as busy as it was half an hour ago, even though it felt like you’d been in there for hours. Outside it looked like nothing had changed, and yet busses had moved, life went steaming on, careering for an end that everyone knew was coming but no one could see. Your path looked very lonely all of a sudden making your stomach cramp with nerves. You managed to hold it together until you got through your front door, you hadn’t even made it halfway up your stairs when you couldn't move anymore. Your body failed, the sobs taking all your energy as you folded into yourself desperately trying to hold yourself together but you were breaking. Large chunks of you were falling away to reveal the hurt and pain at your very centre. It was raw and burning as it erupted loudly from you, the tears were hot and caustic, stinging your eyes as though punishing you for your own grief, for shedding these tears over a man…. that had been your absolute everything. You clawed at your throat, tipping your head back in anguish, hoping the river would end soon but you knew it wouldn’t. Eventually you managed to shift, crawling your way up the stairs and coming to a standstill in your kitchen. Your hand slipped into your bag, grabbing the white paper bag and pulling it out you stared at it stupidly for a few minutes. Your bag slipped with a loud thunk to the floor, you kicked off your shoes and padded your way to the bathroom. You felt like you were floating, not really believing this day was happening, hoping the last year of your life was a freaking nightmare and you were going to wake up anytime now. 

You leaned heavily on your sink, the paper bag clutched tightly in your grasp and you fought the urge to be sick. Your hands were shaking again, making the paper crinkle loudly until you let it flutter to the floor and now you were holding a box. A box that was about to open a whole other chapter of your life, one you had hoped to go through with Hux but now you were facing it alone. You broke open the wrapping, trying not to cry again but the sobs still broke through, even sitting on the toilet you cried, the pain of your divorce fresh and heavy in your mind. You placed the plastic stick on the edge of the bath and moved away to wash your hands refusing to look at it. You slumped to the floor and stared dejectedly at your bathrobe that hung off the back of the door. You could get a new one, Hux had got you this one and it was so soft. So incredibly soft. Reaching up you yanked it down balling it up into your embrace breathing in the fluffiness, wiping your face and leaving a wet trail across the fibres. Your phone pinged to let you know three minutes had passed. Three minutes had been and gone already. You froze, clutching the robe as close as you could, squeezing your eyes shut, your hand reached out for the test you’d just done. I can't, I can’t look at this. Don’t make me, please don’t make me. But you had to. You dragged your eyes open and a cry erupted from you as your heart shattered completely. Keening loudly into your robe you gripped the pregnancy test tightly in your fist. 

It was positive.

Chapter Text

The front door opened and your flatmate took the stairs two at a time. She was all noise, rustling bags and you heard the sound of bottles being settled on the side. 

“Alright I didn’t know what you’d be in the mood for so I got gin, wine, tequila aaaaand Malibu! Pick your poison.” You couldn’t bring yourself to reply, your eyes sore and aching from all your crying, the test sat on the coffee table before you the two lines taunting you with their pinkness. “What’s going on? Why are we so quiet?” She left the island in the kitchen and moved to stand behind you. “Oh holy fuck, is that a pregnancy test?” She hissed. 

“Yes,” you replied, looking down at your hands in your lap. 

“Did you sign the papers?” Your face scrunched up, the pressure to cry pushed at the back of your eyes but your body had nothing left to give. “Yes.” You felt the sofa dip as she abruptly sat down next to you. 

“Is…is he…?” 

“Yes.” You both sat in silence just staring at the small white plastic item wondering how such a little thing could disrupt your life so massively. It was an inanimate object for crying out loud, but it alluded to something more, something precious and growing. “Kat I don’t know what to do,” you confessed in a whisper. 

“I take it you didn’t tell him?” 

“No, he’s been through enough.” You heard her sigh and instantly you knew she disagreed with you without even looking at her.

“He will find out eventually,” she stated, heading back into the kitchen and opening up the wine for herself. “What are you doing for work?” 

“What, what do you mean?” You looked over the back of the sofa, the bottle hallway to her mouth. 

“You can’t be serious? You’re going back to work? For him?” You shrugged a little, in all honesty you hadn’t thought about it and you loved your job. 

“He never gave me any indication I should find a new one.” Kat swigged out of the bottle, her eyes rolling in an exaggerated gesture. “We’ve been working together this whole time.” 

“This is Armitage Hux we are talking about!” Just his name sent a fresh crack through your heart rendering the broken pieces even smaller. 

“I’m not doing this now,” you said, swiping the test up and heading to your bedroom. 

“Well you need to face it and soon because the longer you hide this from him the angrier he’s going to be.” You hated it when she was right and now you were shut in your room your body found a fresh wave of sadness. It cascaded over you making you slump at the foot of your bed silently sobbing, finally you found the strength to crawl onto the covers and let yourself fall asleep. 

The night was rough, sickness made your stomach quiver and you felt hot and cold with panic at the thought of going into work. Hux ran a large publishing company and you were his right hand person. All the covers went through you and you helped proofread the first editions, work had never come up in your arguments, you weren’t entitled to any of it anyway because of the prenuptial agreement. His father made you sign it before he died, you remembered Hux was livid about it but you just wanted to marry him, you loved him and assumed you’d be blissfully happy together forever. What a joke. 

You rolled over and saw it was 5am, you weren’t going to get any more sleep so you got up with a sigh. You pulled on some lounge clothes and stuffed your feet into your black and white converses. You unhooked a smarter outfit from your wardrobe just in case you were pulled into a meeting. You gathered your laptop and charger, your phone and keys before silently slipping out of the flat. Your first stop was a coffee shop, the staff looked as tired as you but more put together. All smiles and words, too bright and loud for this time in the morning, you barely managed a smile in return. The cool wind swept off the top of the Thames and you paused to lean against the handrail for a moment. You loved living here, in the concrete jungle with its mismatched skyline. All the buildings vying for height and individuality but in your mind the older ones always won. The buildings that had seen eras rise and fall, the ones steeped in so much history the walls would bleed memories if they could. The breeze blew away the cobwebs in your mind making you feel slightly refreshed and maybe now, you were ready to face the day. 

You carried on walking, the sun rising casting an early morning light over the city as you headed to the office. You murmured a good morning to the security that let you in, they were used to you arriving before anyone else. The lift ride was smooth, depositing you on the large floor, desks littered the space with dark computer screens waiting to start the day, whiteboards with cover and story ideas covered the walls in a kaleidoscope of colours. You meandered your way across the floor, heading to your own personal office. You adored this space, pictures of book covers covered the walls, you had a plush couch with fluffy cushions, a coffee machine, strings of fairy lights were held up by invisible hooks and a desk that had piles of books on. Their covers white with just the title splashed on the front, you had a couple more of these to read. You hung up your outfit and clicked on your lights, pulling out your laptop and plugging it in. Next you made another coffee, dumping your empty cup into the bin as you pulled your favourite Star Wars mug from the cupboard and shoving it under the machine. You slipped the pod into the machine and enjoyed the rich aroma that filled your space, this was your happy place and not even Hux could destroy this. You hoped. 

Grabbing the mug you sat in your chair and started going through your emails, you sifted through the pictures of the newest cover that needed picking. You tilted your head to the side, this book had been a good one, something about a man with a magic sword, befriending a witch and her familiar fighting the forces of evil together. All the pictures were excellent but you just felt something was missing, Poe’s artwork was impeccable as always his eye for detail was flawless and yet….

“Hey,” you looked up in surprise. Hux stood in the doorway, his green eyes taking you in. “I didn’t expect to see you today.” You shrugged. 

“You know me, always working,” you retorted, trying to ignore the hard pound of your heart at the sound of his voice. 

“Ok, well I’ll be out of the office most of today. Got meetings,” he stated, trailing off. 

“Enjoy them.” You tried to be indifferent. You tried to not care, you tried not to think of the life growing in your belly as he silently slipped back out of your office. The screen of your laptop blurred and you sat back with a sigh getting dragged into the memories. The last time you slept with him was weeks ago and it was that moment you realised there was no coming back from this. You did think it was the restart of your marriage and your heart had soared, but then you saw his face afterwards and you just knew. It was a goodbye. The divorce papers came swiftly after and now this, a pregnancy. You’d been pregnant before, but the loss of it had broken you and that’s why you disappeared to France needing to recover and pull yourself back together. But Hux just saw you leaving him, not understanding how you needed to cope because he wanted to cope in a different way. And so the threads of your marriage had snapped with the weight of grief. He’d been through enough, you couldn’t bring this to his door not at the moment. You’d shoulder this burden alone. 

You were broken out of your reverie by Poe slamming his way into your office with a bright “Good Morning!” And you winced.

“Too loud Dameron.” He wrapped his arms around you, giving you a hard squeezy hug from behind. 

“Are you ok?” He whispered. “I didn’t think you’d be in today.” 

“I have to work, we need to talk about the art for this cover,” you said gesturing to your screen and he rested his chin on your shoulder. His curls were soft against the side of your face and he smelled like leather and spearmint toothpaste.

“What’s wrong with it?” 

“I feel like something is missing,” you murmured. He cocked his head. 

“Maybe the angle of the moonlight?” He suggested. You wrinkled your nose, rubbing a hand along his forearm that was loose across your neck. 

“Yeah maybe,” you murmured and he planted a kiss on your cheek before moving over to your coffee machine. You looked up as Kat strode in, her eyes widening at the sight of Poe by the machine and you thought she was going to duck back out again before he noticed. 

“Kat! Come look at this cover,” you called and Poe turned at the sound of her name. 

“Morning Kat.”

“Hi,” she said stiffly as she made her way to your side. You smirked and wished they’d just get on with it, the pair of them had harboured feelings for each other and never done anything about it which was unusual for your best friend. She always grabbed what and who she wanted with both hands when she could. 

“Do you think something is missing?” You asked her as she leaned over your shoulder. 

“No, Poe’s work is perfect,” she mumbled and you smirked. 

“Of course you would say that,” you whispered, smiling when she swatted you lightly on the shoulder. 

“I’ll take a look at it, maybe skim over the book again just see if I can add anything else,” he cast an easy smile at you both before leaving your office and Kat exhaled loudly in your ear. 

“Are you ever going to tell him how you feel?”

“Are you ever going to tell Armitage?” Your expression fell. “Because of last time, I really think you should.” 

“It’s because of last time, I’m not.” You leaned forward onto your desk in an effort to get away from her. 

“Well I think…”

“Kat!” You wiped a hand over your face. “I don’t care what you think I am doing this my way.” You stood, pushing your chair away so she had to side step to avoid being hit. “I have work to do.” She took the hint, casting a sulky look at you before leaving you in silence. You hated this, when you were pregnant suddenly people looked at you as though your body wasn’t your own anymore when it was more yours now than ever. 

You immersed yourself into a book, you were a fast reader and stickler for detail, the red pen clenched between your teeth ready to mark any errors that needed changing before the book went to print. The sound of muted laughter drifted through to you and you looked up in curiosity. The book fell into your lap when you saw Armitage greeting some blonde woman, she was tall with legs for days, stunning and full of smiles for your husband. 

Ex-husband. 

He was smiling in return and you felt your chest constrict, you couldn’t remember the last time he smiled and here he was doing it in front of the entire floor. He stepped to the side allowing her into his office and you saw the way her arm trailed slightly down his in a suggestive manner, you sat up waiting for him to snatch his arm away. But he didn’t, which surprised you, he hated being touched by people he didn’t know. Seething rage flared in your gut at the thought that he was more acquainted with her than he should be but it died as quickly as it came. He was a handsome man and now he was free to do who he pleased but your thoughts didn’t stop the ache in your chest that throbbed with each beat of your heart. Your stomach roiled wildly and you doubled over as heat raced over your body. 

“Oh god, no. Not now.” Your body heaved and you shot up trying not to look like you were rushing as you headed to the bathroom. You made it just in time, your stomach clenching as you heaved into the toilet, it was abrupt and violent, making a sweat erupt over your body. 

“Have you eaten?” You closed your eyes and sat back on the floor. 

“Why are you absolutely everywhere?” You grumbled. Kat sighed and you heard her sit on the counter. 

“Well I was coming to check on you after that author arrived but then I saw you dive in here. Good job no one else was in here.” You groaned, readying yourself for more comments about how you were doing the wrong thing but they didn’t come. “Are you alright?” You flushed the toilet and came out to wash your hands, wiping cold water over your face. 

“I feel shaky. I didn’t have this….last time.” 

“I know,” she said softly. You bent over the sink, your mind empty and yet full at the same time, the vision of Hux with another woman invading you no matter how hard you tried to expel it from your mind. 

“I miss him,” you admitted quietly. 

“I know that too.” 

“Where did it all go so wrong?”

“I don’t know.” You took a breath, looking in the mirror and wiping your face. You can do this, put that face back on. You got this. 

“How do I look?” You asked, turning to her. 

“Perfect. But you should eat.” 

“No I’m ok,” you mumbled. Kat slipped off the counter and opened the door letting you out first. 

“I’m getting you a sandwich,” she said firmly. 

“Alright fine, anything to get you off my back!” She blew you a kiss and you turned to head back to your office when Hux and this…woman emerged from his office. He didn’t say anything, but his green gaze met yours and you felt a flush creep under your skin, you couldn’t read him, his expression blank when he brushed past you. Your stomach churned ominously again, your gaze lowering as he drew level with you, not able to take the indifference in his eyes anymore. They were going for lunch, to have a meeting, but then maybe he’d have her over his desk like he used to do with you. Placing a hand over your mouth your footsteps quickened and you slammed your office door shut before diving for your bin. Nothing came up but the retching made tears stream down your face, your muscles contracting heavily with each heave and you knew you were going to ache later. Maybe coming in today wasn’t such a good idea after all. 

The door to your office opened but you couldn’t bring yourself to look up, your face buried in your arms as you hugged your legs tightly. His hands were kind when they touched you, his voice murmuring soft words of comfort and he guided you to the couch. 

“Come on sweetheart, maybe you should go home.”

“I don’t want to, Poe. What’s the difference between sitting here and imagining the worst or sitting at home imagining the worst?” 

“How far along are you?” You shoved him away, searching his worried expression wondering how to answer. 

“How did you….?” 

“I guessed. You haven’t eaten and you used a decaf coffee pod. Usually you’ve sneaked at least two doughnuts by now and who the fuck drinks decaf?” 

“Oh Poe what am I gonna do?!” He pulled you to him so you could sob into his shoulder. “He’s already moving on. I can see it in his face, he feels free and weightless and I’m here heavy and bogged down!” You cried, swiping your sore face with your sleeve. 

“You need to tell him,” his words made you shove him away. 

“Not you as well,” you groaned. “Did you see what happened last time? It ruined us, smashing our marriage into smithereens. I lost my best friend, the love of my life. He can’t even look at me without being reminded that I couldn’t carry a viable baby for him….” Your words died as the loss of your baby stole the rest of the sentence from you. The thoughts that always sat at the back of your mind came screaming to the front, the ones that told you what a failure you were, how your body was broken and ruined. How you had been responsible for what happened. Logically you knew you weren’t but the thought was still there, like a stain that you couldn’t shift. Poe rubbed circles on your back but you barely felt it, rocking on your seat, your arms folding across your chest grabbing the soft material of your top. The door went and instantly you could smell food, the scent of chicken and bread made your stomach rumble but then it instantly turned to a sick feeling that had you diving for the bin. You could hear Kat and Poe having a whispered conversation as you retched pathetically over the bin wishing you were anywhere else on the planet. 

“Get that sandwich out of here,” you choked. 

“It’s gone, sweetheart it’s gone.” Poe’s hands grabbed your arms, depositing your bag on your shoulder. “I’m taking you home, you can work from there.” The journey home was a blur, not even the fresh air could curb the burning in your stomach. Poe came up the stairs with you depositing you in bed not listening to your protests about how perfectly fine you were. You glared at him when he dumped the laptop on your lap and the book you’d been proofreading. 

“I’m going to make tea, you’re going to work.” He gave you a pointed look before leaving and you sighed. You felt better being at home, the nervousness of seeing Hux was non existent and so your body calmed down. You picked the book up but you couldn’t concentrate, so you opened the laptop only to stare at the pictures Poe had drawn when it dawned on what was missing. 

“Her necklace,” you said looking up. Poe placed the tea carefully on your nightstand shooting a quizzical look at you. 

“Necklace?”

“The witch in the book wore an amulet that contained all her power, it’s not in the picture.”

“Oh, right!” He dragged his bag across the bed and drew out his digital drawing tablet. “You got a description?” 

“Oh er, gold with a glowing red jewel I think. I don’t have the book with me….hang on I might have an email.” You sipped the tea and scrolled through your emails finally clicking on the right one and going through the digital copy. “Yeah here is it, a pointy amulet, red, glowing, I was correct.” 

“Ok….” Poe sucked in his bottom lip as his stylus swept across the drawing, his deep brown eyes flicking over the image. “Almost done,” he murmured. He turned the large tablet to you, a smile creeping over your face. 

“That’s it, perfect, email it to Armitage and he’ll…I guess pick it up after his lunch date.” Your fingers tightened around your cup. Your teeth ground together at having to mention his name but you were going to have to get over this and soon. If only it was that easy. 

“He’s an idiot.”

“Poe Dameron! He’s your boss!” You coughed back a laugh, watching him flop back onto your bed with a sigh.

“Yeah well, I guess I’ve chosen my side, all the kids chose a side in a divorce.”

“You are not our children,” you said softly. 

“Please,” Poe rolled onto his side and propped his head up. “We’ve been working in that office together for years, you and him were like our overlords. The couple goals, the ones everyone wanted to be when they grew up.”

“And look at us now,” you said with a sad smile. “Broken and hurt,” your lip quivered as you spoke. “Ripped apart in the worst way, trust me you don’t want this. You don’t want this.” Your head fell forwards into your hand, your tired body quivering from the emotion you contained. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore!” Poe slid closer so your head fell onto his shoulder, his closeness was comforting and you breathed him in letting his unique presence calm the storm inside you. “When are you going to tell Kat how you feel?” 

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about,” he said and a little hiccup of a giggle left you. 

“Come on Poe, quit wasting time.” Tilting your head back slightly you got a look at his side profile, his eyes downcast as his fingers pulled at the duvet cover. 

“I’m terrified,” he confessed, still refusing to look at you. 

“Of?” He shrugged a little. 

“Just, you and Hugs were the goal you know? You were the couple you aspired to be like and now…”

“We had a tragedy, Poe. A huge uncontrollable event and we just weren’t strong enough to weather it together. That wouldn’t happen to you.” He hummed in mild disagreement. 

“I bet you’d have said that when you met him too.” 

“You’re right, there was no way I could have foreseen this, but did that stop me from achieving happiness with him? Did that stop me loving him? Pull your finger out of your arse and ask her out.” 

“You are grouchy when you haven’t eaten.” 

“You damn right Dameron. Right now I could eat a freaking horse.” He withdrew with a sigh. 

“I’m on it, you stay in bed. Anything in particular?” 

“Oh god you know what I really want?” You asked and he rolled his eyes. 

“No, that’s why I’m asking sweetheart because god forbid I get the wrong thing. We don’t want any more nastiness spewing from you,” he stated with a wrinkled nose. 

“A Greggs sausage roll, there’s one just round the corner. And a doughnut. And some Lucozade, the pink one, not the orange one because that’s hideous.” 

“Do I need to write a list or…?” You threw your pen at him and he ducked. “I’m going!” He shouted followed by the slam of the front door. You settled back into bed bringing up Spotify on your laptop and setting it shuffle, as soon as you heard the first notes of the song you knew you should have changed it;

…Take me back to the night we met

And I can tell myself

What it is I’m supposed to do.

And then I can tell myself

Not to ride along with you….

It hurt, it hurt so much you felt like you were bursting. You almost couldn't keep up with the shuddery sobs as pain leaked from your eyes and that’s how Poe found you when he returned. The song had long gone but the constant heartache hadn’t, it clawed at you tearing through you ripping as it went, leaving jagged pieces behind. He dropped everything and grabbed you, his hand on the back of your head as he cradled you, his attempt at holding you together. 

“Why is t-this hurting m-me so much?” You sobbed into him, wrapping your fingers round the collar of his leather jacket. “He i-is…did h-he…didn’t he love me at all?!” You cried, your chest heaving with the force of the cry. 

“He did! Oh sweetheart he did, we could all see it,” you moaned loudly as your grief took over until it exhausted you and you fell asleep in Poe’s arms. 

“Has she eaten at all today?” You heard someone whisper. 

“No, she sent me out for food but when I came back she was…. breaking right before me. I couldn’t get her to stop and then she finally fell asleep.” 

“Damn, she needs to eat,” said the first voice which you now recognised as Kat. 

“I know about the baby.” 

“What…? She told you?” 

“Ssshhh, no I guessed. She used a decaf pod at work and she didn’t sneak any doughnuts,” he whispered. You felt the bed dip slightly as Kat sat down. 

“What are we going to do?” She asked wearily. 

“What happened when Hux came back?” She sighed and you heard her remove her coat. 

“He looked in her office, he looked a bit put out but I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or not. He was alone and hid in his office until the end of the day.” 

“Hmmm,” you heard the rumble from Poe’s chest in your ear and you felt a swell of love for them both. You felt a hand gently brush your face but you couldn’t tell if it was Poe or Kat. 

“Shall we go make some dinner? You wanna stay?” She asked him. You made yourself relax as Poe shifted, laying you gently on the bed. 

“Yeah ok. What’s her favourite? It might entice her to eat…” their voices trailed off and you heard your bedroom close softly so you opened your eyes. So Hux was alone this afternoon and he checked your office. You tried not to get your hopes up but you just couldn’t help it, the ink on the divorce papers wasn’t even fully dry and you were already hoping for a reunion with him. Such a stupid and childish notion. You sat up, pulling your laptop to you and seeing you had new emails, one from Hux. 

Hey, 

I saw you went home early so thought I’d check in. I understand if you don’t want to see me. Take as long as you need. 

Did you finish proofreading The Pinnacle? If not I’ll see if someone else can pick up where you left it.

A.Hux

Checking in. Right. More like seeing if you’d done your job. You huffed a breath as you typed out a scathing reply;

Hi,

No I didn’t. I will finish it, I don’t need someone else to do my job. Sorry my heart is breaking at the moment and it’s such an inconvenience for you. 

Just because you’re an emotionless pit doesn’t mean that I am, we all deal with things in our OWN way Armitage. 

Oh and I’m pregnant. 

Regards

Your Ex-Wife. 

You looked at it, you wanted to send it but it also wasn’t how you wanted to tell him about the baby. He deserved better. You deleted the whole thing and rewrote it;

Hi,

Sorry I left early. I haven’t finished The Pinnacle but it should be done by tomorrow and I’ll pass the changes onto editing. Poe finished the cover for Blood Moon and he should have emailed it across. I will take tomorrow off (working from home) but I will be back in the office Monday…unless I need to look for a new job. 

Do I need to look for a new job?

You stared at the words, Kat’s voice ringing in your ears. Your pregnancy would be easier to hide if you didn’t work together but you adored your job and the people you worked with. So this plaster needed ripping off, you had to know. 

You signed it and sent it before you changed your mind. Closing the laptop, tossing it to one side, you traded it for the book. Taking the red pen in your mouth you found where you last were, after the sleep you could concentrate much better and quickly you found your groove. 

An hour must have passed when the faint smells of dinner began to waft into your room and a hunger so fierce rippled through your stomach. You got out of bed padding silently into the kitchen so see Kat leaning against the island, Poe was dipping into her personal space, ridiculous smiles all over their faces and you felt the sharp tang of jealousy at their new found blatant happiness. Neither of them saw you, so lost in each other's eyes, a soft giggle erupted from Kat as Poe pressed a kiss to her cheek. Her gaze swung to you, her eyes widening in shock and she pushed Poe so hard he nearly fell over. 

“Hey! Didn’t know you were awake! How are you feeling? We made your favourite!” The silence that came was painful and you knew they felt awkward because you were now that single person. The poor woman who had been cast aside by someone who didn’t want her anymore. You didn’t want them to feel like that, you didn’t want them to tiptoe around you, it was about time they embraced their feelings for each other. Hell, you’d been encouraging it all day you just didn’t want it rubbed in your face right now. You had no words, grabbing the cold sausage roll that Poe got you earlier, turning and heading back to your bedroom, closing the door softly behind you. You wrinkled your nose at the smell that rose from the bag, you weren’t going to eat this. It was cold and rock hard from sitting in the kitchen for hours. Your mind thought about the chicken fajitas that Kat was clearly keeping warm in the oven for you but the idea of meat made your stomach flip in the most unpleasant way. You pulled your phone towards you finding the number for your doctors letting it ring loudly in your ear. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, I need to book an appt,” you nervously nibbled your thumb nail. 

“What’s the problem?” 

“Oh erm…I’m pregnant.” It was the first time you’d said the words out loud and they sounded so alien to your ears.

“Do you know how far along you are?”

“Anything between 5 and 10 weeks I…I don’t know exactly, my last pregnancy was…it didn’t….I didn’t carry to term,” you swiped a hand over your face, swallowing the heartache yet again. 

“I can book you in for an appointment tomorrow with Dr Russell at 2:30pm?” 

“Oh yeah that’s perfect thank you.” You finished the call and pulled the phone away from your ear. Your hands shook a little as your thumbs selected your period tracking app. You hadn’t been in here since the last time you’d slept with Hux a little over 5 weeks ago. You swiped through the calendar and realised you’d stopped tracking your period for around 12 weeks. You’d been so caught up in trying to rescue your marriage it never crossed your mind that you’d been pregnant this whole time. You had to tell him, you knew you did and Kat was right the sooner the better. 

A notification made your phone vibrate in your hand and your heart leapt at the name. You clicked the email with a shaky thumb, dreading reading it. 

Yes I got the finished cover, things are moving quickly now this book is on track for being released after New Year. 

No, you do not need to look for a new job unless you want to? I’m happy for you to carry working within the firm, I know how much you enjoy it. 

Enjoy your (working from home) day off and hopefully see you Monday. 

A.Hux

You looked up at a knock on your door, Kat stood there biting her bottom lip, her expression worried. 

“I’ve sent him home. I’m sorry if I knew you were awake…”

“I was awake the moment you guys left my bedroom.” You held your phone up and beckoned her forward. “I made an appointment at the doctors.” She peered down at the open calendar recognising it instantly. 

“You haven’t….how far along are you?” 

“According to that I might be coming up to 11 or 12 weeks,” you whispered wiping your hands nervously together. 

“Shit.” She exclaimed softly, dumping herself next to you. “You slept with him…all through this?” 

“The last time was 5 weeks ago, then he served me with the papers,” you confessed. “I’m not proud of it,” a sob choked your words off. “I s-still love him!” The crack inside you grew wider as Kat wrapped her arms around you. 

“It takes two,” she stated firmly. “He still let the pair of you have sex.” She made you look at her. “You are not completely to blame here and I won’t let you think that. Ok?” You nodded silently just concentrating on breathing through the fresh wave of grief. “You need to eat though, you haven’t had anything all day.” 

“No meat,” you sobbed. 

“What?” 

“A-and please take t-that hideous limp d-dick sausage roll out of here! It reeks!” 

“I’m sorry!” She gasped in amusement, holding you closer. “Limp dick sausage roll! This is why we’re friends!” You let out a laugh through your cries, alternating between sobbing and crying as you clung to each other. You were so grateful for her and Poe, you weren’t sure what you would do without them.

Chapter Text

You came out of the doctors, you felt sorry for him, Dr Russell. Having an absolute basket case like you for a patient, you had explained your whole situation from the last pregnancy to now and he’d just accepted it all with a quiet nod and a few words of wisdom as you bawled your life story at him. He concurred you were coming up to 12 weeks and booked you in for a scan next week to make sure. You were going to have to beg time off, or tell him. The idea of a scan made your hands twist with anxiety, he had assured you they would be on the lookout for anything unusual. He hadn’t found the heartbeat but he assured you this was normal so early on you shouldn’t worry, like it was the simplest task in the world. 

Yeah, ok.  

Your hands gripped the cold metal railing and you looked down at the muddy water of the Thames, breathing in the smell of the river. It was stronger than normal but you refused to gag, not in public. You could tell it was cooler today, Autumn was creeping up on the world around you as the night drew in but all you could feel in your body was heat. You were in a loose fitting t-shirt, your jacket hanging off your bag letting the cold breeze ghost over you. 

A vibration went off in your pocket and you pulled your phone out seeing a message from Kat asking how it went. You shot off a quick reply and turned to head back to your flat. As you walked up the steps you pulled out the anti sickness tablets the doctor had given you, because if you carried on puking all over everything at work Hux was going to figure it out fairly swiftly and you at least wanted to get the first scan out of the way. 

Pouring a glass of water, you looked out of the window, it was large, letting in as much of the dying day as it could. Grey clouds gathered with the threat of rain for the weekend which didn’t bother you. There were no plans this weekend except maybe for Kat who was finally going on a real date with Poe. She’d been hesitant to talk to you about it but you assured her you were fine with it, of course you were. Your two best friends finally admitting the way they felt for each other was a glorious thing and you wanted something good to think about. 

You necked the water and the tablet before moving to the fridge and pulling out some ingredients. You covered your nose thinking you should really clean the fridge out, oh that could be your weekend plan. Great. You had a date with your fridge. 

You managed to get through making dinner with minimal gagging and zero expelling of bodily fluids but the relief was palpable when Kat came home. You backed away from the cooker pointing wildly. 

“Please take over!” You cried. “I tried to cook but the smell!” 

“Did you take your tablet?” You nodded, not trusting yourself if you opened your mouth right now. She smiled, stirring the pasta and lifting it ready to drain. “This looks good, you weren’t sick in it were you?” 

“I’m glad this is amusing to you.” Oh that did it. You bolted for the bathroom, clutching the toilet bowl as you retched endlessly. Your body just was not aware you had nothing to bring up. Collapsing against the bath you wiped your brow, weakness weaved through your limbs  and all you could do was look up at Kat with heavy eyes as she stood in the doorway. 

“The bolognese is delicious by the way. But I’m assuming you don’t want any?” 

“You know what I do want? A fucking cake,” you moaned.

“A cake?” 

“Yeah, like a doughnut type thing but with cream in the middle and jam, thick layer of icing on the top you know the soft sticky kind, so you could dip your finger in it but not too soft so it runs off the cake….” You groaned. “God I can smell it. What is wrong with me??” 

“You’re pregnant. Next you’ll be telling me you want to cover it in peanut butter and chocolate sauce,” she tossed over her shoulder as she headed back to the living room. You looked up at the ceiling not wanting to admit that sounded like fucking bliss…. “So the appointment went well?” You heaved yourself off the floor and braved the kitchen, needing to hear what she had to say.

“Yeah it went ok. As well as it could, I’ve got a scan next week.” You pulled your top to cover your nose not wanting to be sick again. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” You watched her take a large mouthful, blowing out your cheeks under your top, just keep breathing. 

“That’s sweet of you but how would we explain that to Hux?” she waved her fork in your general direction.

“Bottomless brunch baby!” she exclaimed with a smile and you rolled your eyes. “Come on, he’d let us go out wouldn’t he? Least he could do for you.” 

“I am not using a bottomless brunch as an excuse to go to my scan.” You gently sat on the sofa. 

“You’re gonna tell him then?” She suggested loudly as she began to wash up her plate. 

“No, I’ll just say it’s the dentist or something, then it’s not totally lying. Right?” She sighed, tossing the cloth back into the sink and coming over to lean on the back of the sofa. 

“You keep telling yourself that. I’m going for a shower.” 

The weekend passed in blur and Monday came round a lot quicker than you would have liked. Kat chatted inanely about her date with Poe, a smile on her face which you returned, nodding a little as you pretended to listen. But all you could concentrate on was the thump of your heart as the numbers in the lift showed you approaching the office floor. The doors dinged softly and you exited, your eyes instantly honed in on Hux’s office at the other end. You missed a step and clutched onto Kat, causing her to grab you in surprise.

“Send me a postcard next time,” she joked but you didn’t notice. Your vision was filled with Hux chatting easily with the blonde author you saw him with last week. Her laughter floated across to you making your heart ache in the most hateful way. 

“I didn’t realise she had a meeting today,” muttered Kat. 

“It’s ok,” you whispered, plastering a smile on your face as you ignored the mess that was swirling around inside you. “It's work, he’s working.” Your words were drowned out by their blended laughter and your face tightened. You could do this, he wasn’t yours anymore and you weren’t his. Moving away from Kat and heading to your office you tried to avoid being seen but Hux called your name before you’d even unlocked your door. 

“This is the lady that has the last say on everything here,” he announced almost proudly. His hand hovered across your back, he didn’t touch you but he might as well have, his closeness burning though your clothes. 

“Hi,” you offered your hand in politeness. “You’re the author of Blood Moon?” You asked breathing through your mouth as her perfume assaulted your pregnancy nose.

“I am,” she replied, returning your handshake with a firm hand. “I am very pleased with the cover. Captures the essence of the book so well.” Her voice was clipped and firm giving the impression she was someone you didn’t want to get on the wrong side.

“Oh, that was our artist Poe and his attention to detail.” 

“Armitage tells me you work closely with the artists here, please pass on my gratitude.” Armitage. You thought you were the only one to use his first name, especially in public. 

“Shall we get that breakfast?” Hux said suddenly, his attention shifting off you and entirely onto her. They moved away without even a farewell leaving you alone outside your office. You flexed your jaw trying to dowse the burning tears that threatened to spill as you shoved your key into the lock. 

“You alright sweetheart?” 

“I’m to pass on her gratitude ,” you sneered, shoving your door that was suddenly refusing to open. You slammed into it twice more, making the door rattle loudly in its frame before Poe moved you to the side, his hand covering yours over the key. 

“Helps if you turn it,” he suggested quietly. 

“I knew that,” you muttered sweeping into your office. Poe followed you to busy himself making you both a coffee. You opened your laptop and pulled out the book you were working on next. 

“I’m doing the cover for this one,” he said as he picked it up, gently flicking through the pages. “Got any info I need to know?” 

“I haven’t got far, apparently it has magic,” you offered with a shrug. Poe placed the book and a coffee back on your desk followed by a comforting pat on your shoulder before he slipped out leaving you with your swirling thoughts. 

Lunchtime came round and you hated the fact you noticed Hux hadn’t returned from his morning date…? Meeting? You sighed as you gathered your bag needing to get out of the office and breathe some of that London air. 

“I’m going to McDonald’s, do you want anything?” You asked, peering over Kat’s shoulder. 

“Actually Poe is grabbing me a sandwich from downstairs. What can you stomach from McDonald’s?” She whispered and you shrugged. 

“Dunno, I’ll see when I get there. See you in a few.” You walked away and stepped into the lift, your nose crinkled and you swore you could still smell that woman. It hung in the air almost as if it was letting you know she was here to stay and you hated it. You knew the marriage had ended a while ago for Hux and you had clung on to the tattered threads hoping to weave them back together, but that realisation didn’t make this any easier. 

You stepped out of the building letting the sounds of the London rush wash over you, the hiss and huff of the busses, the rapid footfalls of everyone hurrying down the paved street and their constant hum of conversation. Taxis buzzed around like little black bubbles, the occasional horn sounded, the beep of the crossings letting people herd across the road in a single mass; it all coalesced into a river of constant sound that you absolutely adored. You’d moved to London shortly after Uni, you and Hux taking that next step in your lives. You couldn’t imagine living anywhere else now, this was your home, even without him it was still your home. 

You skipped down the steps and merged into the flow of people letting them carry you to the entrance of McDonald’s, which you instantly regretted as the smell wafted out of the open door. Wrinkling your nose in disgust you swerved away from the place and dived into the calming atmosphere of the Costa next door. The queue was long which gave you the chance to look at the sandwiches, finally opting for the cheese and tomato toastie after checking every single one and turning your nose up at it. You ordered a decaf coffee and stood to the side lost in your own little world as you waited for the toastie to cook. 

You’re not sure what made you look up but you did only see Armitage, you knew it was him even though his back was to you his flame red hair a dead giveaway. He was standing on the street, he shifted to the side and saw her leaning into him. A smile on her face that told you right now, she was more than just a client for the firm. A numbness trickled through your body, as though someone had administered an anaesthetic without your permission, you’d imagined Hux with various women since he’d served you the divorce but nothing came close to witnessing the real thing. His hands reached up to pull hers off his face at the same time their lips connected and the world froze around you. Even your breath crystallised in your throat creating a burning sensation as the telltale pressure of tears exploded across the back of your neck. They grinned at each other, the kind of smile that spoke secrets only they knew and they finally parted, their hands the last thing to let go. Hux heading in the direction of the office and she…vanishing off to hell for all you cared. 

“Miss, your toastie.” The sound of the coffee shop came back in a rush almost slapping you back to the moment and you gasped slightly. Your fingers clasped around the hot bag and your coffee, meandering your way back out to the busy street. You felt like everything was dulled, the noises of the people around you, the traffic, even the shrill beeping of the crossing as you followed the flow of people was muted. You didn’t feel the steps under your feet as you walked up to the building, pausing for a moment to stare at the glass front. 

You didn’t want to go in, to face him after what you’d just seen, to act like your heart wasn’t breaking in a perpetual cycle. You took the stairs, wanting to elongate your journey, even if you were puffing and perspiring by the time you got to the top. You took a second to gather yourself, wiping your face and making sure there were no tears lingering. Taking a deep breath you gave yourself a little shake and opened the door. You weren’t sure what you were expecting but nothing happened. Half the desks were empty because it was lunch time, Kat and Poe were chatting at her station and you decided not to join them. Letting yourself silently into your office, gritting your teeth as you refused to look up into Hux’s office. You hated that these things were made of clear glass from waist height up, sure they had blinds you could pull across but you’d never used yours so why start now? 

You put down the coffee and toastie, your appetite fleeing now you were back here, the vision of Hux and her etched into the back of your eye balls, playing on a jerky never ending loop, invading your mind until you couldn’t concentrate on anything else. 

“You gonna eat that?” You jumped in your chair, jolted from your nightmarish vision only to stare at the man who featured in it. 

“Yeah, eventually,” you saw his gaze flicker over the logo. His lips tightening for a second before he continued. 

“I’ve arranged the monthly meeting for Wednesday just after lunch so we can go through the new influx of book ideas and pick the next ones we want to invest in.” Wednesday… .

“I can’t. Dentist. I have a dentist appointment.” 

“Oh, ok. Can you reschedule it?” He asked, the hint of irritation creeping into his voice. 

“No, I can’t. I struggled to get this appointment.”

“Right,” he almost snapped, his hand tapping on your doorframe. “It’s just, I could do with your input.” You felt anger curl in your gut and bit back a scathing reply. Why now? Did he know?  

“I’m sorry. I have toothache,” you snipped. His eyes seemed to bore into yours, like he was scanning you for the lie but you held your own, cocking an eyebrow daring him to challenge you.

“Can you do Thursday?” He asked aggressively, clearly hating the way he still relied on you for these things. 

“Yes.” 

“Fine,” you flinched when the door to your office slammed shut and your eyes tracked his movement back to his office. You sniffed, wiping your face before anyone could see the tears that appeared, hating that he had such a hold on you still. Your heart thudded loudly inside you at the thought of heading to your scan on Wednesday alone. How different it was from the last time….

Your leg jumped nervously as you looked around the bland waiting room. Random leaflets were dotted over the walls about some pregnancy related stuff but you couldn’t focus on them. You let out a sigh blowing the air over your face, your foot now tapping lightly on the floor until you felt pressure on your knee. You looked down to see Hux’s hand resting on your leg, his long fingers curling over your knee. His other hand tilted your face to look at him, grasping your chin and pulling you close. 

“I know you’re nervous but everything will be fine,” he whispered, giving your knee a reassuring squeeze. 

“How can you be so sure? What if I go in and they say there is no baby? What if….what if….” His hand moved to cup your cheek, his green eyes blazing into yours and you calmed slightly. Leaning into his touch you reminded yourself you could get through anything as long as he was with you. His thumb swiped along your cheek before pulling you in for a soft kiss. 

“We’ve got this,” he whispered. 

Your hands gripped the edge of your desk knowing that Wednesday wasn’t going to be the same at all. You didn’t have him, even if you got up and told him right now you still wouldn’t have him . Because he was someone else’s now. You took a breath, trying to steady yourself. 

Inhale….exhale….inhale….exhale…. All you could do was keep breathing, keep going with one foot in front of the other, letting the days blend together and waking up at the points you needed to present for. Yes, that was a good idea…

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” Asked Kat.

“No honestly I’ll be fine,” you replied rubbing the back of your neck as you waited for the coffee machine in your office to finish pouring. 

“You should tell him, he’d want to be there.”

“Oh Kat! Please stop telling me what he’d want! I know he wants nothing to do with me anymore and this, this is just a connection to me he never asked for.” She sighed and slid off the counter when you moved over to your desk. 

“He is going to be furious…”

“Kat!!” You held your hands up to silence her. “Bitch….just go do some work.” You didn’t miss the tut of disapproval as she swept past but you kept your mouth shut not wanting to get into an argument today of all days. You would tell him, you just needed to get over this first hurdle alone, there was no way you were going to bring more hurt to him for no reason. He’d been through enough, he was moving on and he was allowed that. Even if you were stuck. 

The waiting room was soulless, bland, sterile. And you were alone. It was daunting being here without a partner, the place held so many dark memories and you concentrated on the colouring of your black and white converses, wiggling your toes to keep feeling something other than the tightening of your chest. 

I’m ok, we’re ok.

Hux had refused to speak to you this morning because he had rescheduled the meeting “working around you” he’d said. Like you hadn’t worked around him so many times in your life, sacrificed pieces of yourself for him. It was a meeting, one you didn’t need to be there for but he wanted you there. Closing your eyes and clenching your fist you tried to crush that little spark of maybe that always flared up when your mind thought of anything remotely hopeful. Your stomach was churning, the nausea rising up the back of your throat like a column in a volcano but you swallowed it down, it was just nerves, your sweaty palms could corroborate. 

Your entire body felt like it was suspended above an abyss, just a single word would cut your lifeline and you’d fall into the darkness with no one to catch you. What if this baby was like your son? It didn’t bear thinking about, to go through this all again and alone. Because he’d been there at first, when you got the news Armitage had tried but you were so wrapped in your own grief you hadn’t seen how much he was breaking as well. If you could, you'd go back and do things differently, you’d try and open your eyes to his pain and not close yourself off from it. 

The sound of your name pulled you back to the moment, from the past horror to present dread and you stood, reminding yourself to breathe. Each lead filled step was one you’d taken before, even the room was the same and you paused in the doorway. 

“Please come in,” the midwife said. They were busy today and she wanted you in and out as quickly as possible. You'd seen the people but not seen them, details weren’t sticking in your mind but you stepped inside trying to ignore the reopening of old wounds deep in your soul. The very fabric of your being was tearing and there was no one to help sew you back together. You couldn’t stop the sob as you stared at the bed, fear stopping you from approaching the blue plastic covered surface. “I need you to lay down please Mrs Hux.” Your eyes closed as fresh pain spiked through you. 

“That’s not my name anymore, I need to update it at the desk,” your voice was rough with emotion and you swiped a hand over your face forcing your body to obey and lay down. Everything inside you screamed to not do this but you had to, you had to know. Rolling up your top you stared at the ceiling as though it was going to burst into flames and fall on you, your fingers gripped the hem and you flinched when the sonographer tucked in a paper towel over the waistband of your leggings. 

“This might be a bit cold,” you couldn’t even bring yourself to acknowledge she’d said anything as she dripped the gel over the lower part of your abdomen. You exhaled slowly, your lips quivering when the wand touched your belly, the scratchy noise filling the room as she searched your insides. Maybe there was nothing there, it could have been a false positive. Maybe you were going through an early menopause and that’s why your periods had stopped…..

Whompwhompwhomp 

Your whole expression changed as soon as you heard the fast beat through the speakers. The tears came unbidden and you risked a look at the monitor, seeing your baby for the first time. 

“Everything looks good, I just need to take some measurements.” Everything looks good. You watched as she drew lines on the screen, measuring certain aspects of the baby but all you could see were the tiny legs moving, the strange white and black picture making them look like something from another world but really they were your entire world. “Oh a smile, were you worried?” She asked softly when she glanced down at you. 

“Yes!” 

“I’ve read your notes, we are going to scan you every couple of weeks but this baby looks healthy, good range of movement, hands and feet, good blood flow…would you like a picture?” All you could do was nod and she smiled again handing you some tissue to clean yourself up with. Fresh sobs threatened to spill when she handed you the picture and you sat there staring at it for a moment not believing this tiny life was inside you. You wanted to burst with happiness, you wanted to tell him, you had to. “Here are your notes, make an appointment for two weeks' time so you’ll be 15 weeks when we next see you.” 

“Thank you,” you managed to make your throat work and she patted you lightly on the arm before cleaning the bed. The light was horrendously bright when you stepped from the dark room, your footsteps now not feeling so weighty as you retraced the ghost of your old footprints. Maybe this was your second chance, maybe….

The scan picture was in your hand and you made your way across the floor murmuring some greetings as you went. You felt excited to tell Hux now, you’d seen the baby everything was ok for now and it was about time he knew. 

“Armitage, we should….talk.” You opened his office door only to abruptly stop, still clutching the door handle as you took in the scene before you. The guilty look written all over Kat’s face made your lips set into a hard line and you just knew what she’d done. Hux looked livid, his pale skin flushed, a glint in his eye told you exactly how mad he was, you’d seen it plenty of times before. He pointed at Kat. 

“Why is she telling me this?” He snarled. Kat backed away but your eyes never left her, the distinct taste of betrayal coated the inside of your mouth. It brought an ugly feeling to your chest, a hideous rage that you couldn’t exactly name. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, slipping past you and closing the door leaving you to face Hux’s wrath. 

“Well?” He demanded loudly. 

“What exactly did she tell you?” Your jaw felt locked and you had to talk through clenched teeth, tears threatened to fall, the pressure building in your neck making it hard to swallow. 

“You’re pregnant?” He leaned on his desk but he was restless, fiddling with his tie, running a hand through his hair making it more disheveled, toying with the edge of his jacket, yanking on his collar as he glared at you with those blazing green eyes. “How long have you known?” You froze, your heart pummelling inside your chest watching him rock furiously on the heels of his feet. His hand slammed down heavily onto his desk making everything jump including you. “So help me god you are going to talk to me.” He exhaled loudly trying to bring his temper down from the ceiling. “How long. Have you known?” He asked again, punctuating each word with fury. You square your shoulders, meeting his gaze head on. 

“I had my suspicions but I didn’t do a test until…” you swallowed nervously. “Until after we signed the papers.” He sighed, his expression crumbling before his head bowed, his hands flat against his desk. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have…”

“No!” You cut across him.

“But I’d have reconsidered the divorce?!” You scoffed, wiping your eyes.

“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you staying with me out of some twisted form of pity or duty Armitage. You had made up your mind, our marriage was dead in the water!” You cried loudly. “We’ve already destroyed enough of each other, why let ourselves be ruined beyond repair?” You stepped forward and tossed the scan picture onto his desk. “Here. Apparently I’m 13 weeks. All looks good so far. I was coming to tell you,” you declared. Watching as he carefully opened the scan picture with one hand. “For the record, I was coming to tell you.” You wrenched the door open before he could stop you, barging past a guilty looking Kat ignoring her attempts to talk to you and marching into the lift that Poe had just walked out of. 

He said your name but you ignored him punching the ground floor button with more force than necessary and hurting your knuckle. As soon as the door closed your chest heaved, struggling to get a breath in you slammed your arm into the side of the lift. How could she? How dare she go behind your back and spill your most precious secret, especially when you were on your way to do it yourself. You paced in the lift feeling like a caged animal, bursting through the doors as soon as they opened only to see Armitage exiting the stairwell. You dropped your head and made your way to the large glass doors but his long fingers were pulling you to a stop. 

“We should talk,” he huffed, still trying to catch his breath. He had clearly charged straight after you once you’d left his office. 

“I don’t want to, I'm too angry,” you pulled your arm free and carried on walking but he followed you. Pushing the door open for you and matching you step for step down to the street. “Leave me alone Armitage.” 

“I can’t.” You stopped. Surveying the busy London street, trying not to look up at your ex-husband as he gazed down at you. His hand jerked as though he wanted to reach for you but you crossed your arms in an effort to protect yourself from his possible touch, scuffing your converses along the cracks in the paving. 

“I don’t want to do this in the street,” he said.

“I don’t want to do this at all,” you replied. 

“What is wrong with you?” He angrily hissed, taking a step towards you and you huffed loudly tilting your head up to look him square in the eyes. 

“Where do I fucking start?” You took his moment of surprise to turn and walk away. But you knew this was far from over. 

You stood in the kitchen staring out the large window. The sky was blue and clear today, making it look deceptively warm for an autumn day. The world passed you by below but you were stuck in this perpetual moment of pain, you could still feel the knife in your back that Kat had put there the moment you realised she’d opened her mouth to Hux. 

If you took a step back and assessed the situation you’d probably see she was just trying to help but you were irrational. Anger filled you like a hoard of buzzing bees, your arms shaking as you finished washing the plate you were holding. You raised an eyebrow at the sound of the door, you were ready for this confrontation but she didn’t know exactly what she was walking into. 

“Hey!” She called out, coming round the corner and seeing the bag next to the island in the kitchen. “What’s….what’s this?” She asked hesitantly. 

“It’s your stuff.” 

“No, wait. Are you kicking me out?” Her voice raised a notch and you almost wished she'd scream at you to give you the excuse to tap into all this rage that was just sitting on your chest. 

“Yep,” you sounded out the last letter with a pop, still not turning to face her. 

“You’d have done the same if the situations were reversed!” You threw the dishcloth down and spun around.

“That is where you’re wrong!!” You advanced on her, shoving a finger in her chest. “I would have trusted you to tell him when you were ready, I would have trusted you to do the right thing eventually. I’d have trusted you!!” Taking a step back you rubbed your face in a hurried gesture. “But you couldn’t give me that, you had to stick your nose in my business in my marriage!” 

“Your marriage is gone!” She snapped. Her own tears swelling in her eyes as she glared at you. “I see how stuck you are and it kills me!”

“Why do you think I wanted to do this ALONE!” Emotions were filling you, threatening to erupt and all you could think was you wanted her gone. “Just get out! Just go, I don’t want to see you! I don’t want to fucking look at you!” You screamed. She grabbed the bag and walked out without another word. You leaned heavily on the counter, wincing when the door slammed behind her, giving you the permission you needed to break. 

You bent down, your mouth open in a silent cry from the force of what you were feeling, today had been a rollercoaster and it was all coming out in one go sweeping you away on the current. You had no control, your body succumbed slumping to the floor in a heap. Gripping the cupboard handle like it was the only thing keeping you upright you leaned heavily against the door. You felt like you were drowning as the tears cascaded down your face, cries finally breaking through the obstruction in your throat and you sobbed erratically. 

“I c-cant do this!” You stuttered to your empty flat. “Not like this.” But you had no choice, you had done the first thing in facing this, Hux knew and now you had to navigate the potholes of this road without stepping in one. 

The days rolled by and another month passed. You tried to ignore how different everything was. Coming home everyday and not seeing Kat’s shoes by the door, or smell her cooking in the evenings. The telly was always off because you couldn’t concentrate on the pictures moving on the screen. Work dragged, surrounded by people you didn’t want to talk to, constantly reminded of everything you’d lost and you closed off. You buried yourself in the books and the drawings, words became your only enjoyment, immersing yourself in fantasy worlds and treading in a character's shoes rather than your own. You sighed stepping into the lift, going through the motions of your day like they were prewritten.

You could smell her, that disgusting cheap perfume that she wore and you knew she was going to be there, her hands pawing at your ex-husband. You didn’t look at anyone, you were late because it had been a challenge leaving your house while your head was in the toilet. You were fully aware of what a state you looked, but you didn’t care. You felt as though you’d done two bottles of wine the night before even though you hadn’t touched a drop in weeks. Conversation and banter from the team was just background noise, meeting days were always the quiet days, the whole team gathered to discuss the month and you used to enjoy them. But you could really do without it today. 

A laugh filtered through the fuzziness in your head as you entered your office and you desperately tried to ignore it but the woman filled you with rage. Everything made you irrationally angry at the moment. You looked up as they stopped outside your open door, your jaw dropping at the audacity of the woman as she tried to lean into Hux but he cleared his throat and stepped back offering his hand in a polite handshake and dismissing her before stepping into your office. You weren’t above smirking, seeing the flash in her eyes as she glared at you before leaving. 

“It’s not good to piss off the authors Amritage, if they need their butts licking you should do it.” 

“Not really a necessary comment,” he stated as he shut your door. 

“Oh I dunno. Does she look good naked?” You brazenly asked. 

“I wouldn’t know,” he replied in a clipped tone.

“Oh give it up. How long have you two been together? Before the papers? Or after?” 

“Like it’s any of your business…”

“You’re right,” you cut across him. “I don’t want to fucking know. Shag who you like, I know I am.” His entire body was almost vibrating with concealed rage, the flush creeping over his skin and it fed something inside you. A slight satisfaction that maybe he hadn’t considered you were now a free agent as well. 

“We should talk about the baby,” he said in an effort to change the subject.

“Oh, no I’m alright.” You replied with an airy tone but he stepped forward and you knew he wouldn’t take much more attitude off you. 

“I need you to know…” he trailed off and you stood still waiting for him to finish. “Whatever you need…”

“I don’t need a thing from you.” You headed to your coffee machine. “What I needed from you Armitage was weeks ago, I needed you to stop sleeping with me. I needed you to stop leading me down the garden path…”

“I did no such thing!” He snapped, his voice raising and you could feel your anger tipping over the edge. 

“What I fucking needed from you, Armitage, was not to leave me in the dust when I needed you the most!”

“You’re the one that fucking left!” He snarled, trying to not explode but you could see he was just on the precipice himself.

“You told me to go!” You shouted.

“No! You’d already made that choice when you told me.” His voice rose to match yours, his hand tugging furiously on his tie. 

“But you said!! You said ‘Fine, leave. Do what you must,’ and I did exactly that. You should have done the same.” 

“I needed you!!” He yelled, advancing with his arms out anguish written all over his face. “I needed you and you just upped and left! I was alone with my heartbreak.” You felt the tears coming, just looking into his green eyes and seeing his raw pain brought something out of you. “We lost our baby and then…and then I lost you.” His voice cracked as he spoke. “You’re the one that walked away from this marriage, not me.” 

“I didn’t walk away…!”

“You did! The minute you left through that front door.” 

“Armitage…” he held up his hand. Shaking his head as though your words caused him physical pain. You saw his torn expression just before he turned away. 

“We’re done here.” You helplessly watched him wrench your office door open knowing that nothing would make him listen to you now. The whiplash of your emotions was tossing around inside you, trying to burst from you in a rush, your breath stuttering in your throat. 

His figure vanished round the corner and you splintered, your shoulders shook silently from the force of your sobs and you clutched your desk to try and keep yourself upright. You weren’t sure how much more punishment you could take. Stepping around the desk, you were painfully aware that everyone in the office had heard and seen everything but you shut the door like they weren’t even there. You didn’t have the mental ability to take into account what anyone was thinking of you both right now. Your marriage had been the gossip of the office for a year at least, but now you all had the added strain of sitting in another meeting together after that outburst. It was becoming too much. 

Chapter Text

You felt like you were sleepwalking through your life, only waking up when you were due an appointment. So far nothing was wrong that they could see and you smiled until you left the building and then the barriers crashed back down. They held back all the hurt and worry making you feel empty and blank, but the crevices were starting to show. 

20 weeks….it was like a weight around your neck making you feel hunched when you walked. You were showing now and you tried to wear bigger tops because whenever you entered Hux’s office his green eyes were always drawn to your changing belly and it made you feel like nothing more than an incubator. At least you were a functioning one this time but at the 20 week scan was where it had all gone wrong with your son. 

You slowly stepped up to the entrance of your work building, vaguely noticing anyone else in the lobby just wanting to get into the privacy of the lift. You waited for the doors to open, holding your breath hoping you could just keep yourself together for a few seconds more. The doors barely opened before you were shoving yourself through them, clutching your chest feeling the panic rising inside you as you slammed the button for your floor. It was early and you knew no one would be there so you finally gave in to the crushing anxiety, your barriers broke and you started sobbing loudly, barely catching your breathe. You felt so alone, your heart was tearing from your chest with every sob that erupted, your hand rested on your bump wishing you weren’t waking up alone in the mornings. Desperately wishing that Hux was still your husband, that you were being looked after and your future didn’t look so bleak. You had no idea what was going to happen today at the scan, what they would see and you dreaded it. The doors opened onto the office floor, light flooded the compartment and you saw Hux standing there waiting for the lift. 

As soon as he saw how distressed you were he stepped into the lift, silently wrapping his arms around you and cradling you to him. Your sobs became so intense you ceased breathing, gripping onto his shirt like it was the only thing stopping you from being swept away on the tide of your grief. Each silent sob pummelled your chest, making you tense against him, his arms never letting you go as he murmured comforting words that rumbled through his chest. 

Finally you calmed down, highly aware of Hux’s hand over your hair as he held you, his other arm wrapped around you pressing you into him. You relaxed slightly between your soft hiccups, breathing him in, finding comfort in his closeness. Your eyes fluttered shut allowing yourself a brief moment of the thing you craved the most before you attempted to move. His embrace fell away when you took a step back, furiously dabbing your eyes.

“The scans today,” he said softly, pushing the button for the office floor so the lift went back up.  

“Yeah,” your voice trembled with just that single word betraying your absolute fear of it. 

“Can…can I come?” You looked up at him in surprise, sniffing slightly.

“You want to?” He rubbed a hand over his face, filtering it through his red hair with a sigh. His bright graze locking with yours, that intense stare he always gave when he had to get a point across. 

“Of course I want to come, this is….” He gestured to you. “ Our baby.” Your face crumbled and you looked down at your feet toying nervously with your sleeves. “You don’t have to do this alone,” he whispered. 

“I erm….” He was right there, offering you support but your bruised heart was crying out for more. It wasn’t enough, you wanted the hugs. You wanted the nights together on the sofa, you wanted your marriage back. You retreated slightly when he sighed and turning away from you in frustration. 

“You can’t keep shutting me out like this! This is my baby too! You don’t think….” He trailed off before his voice rose any higher. You recognised the tone, his control was slipping and it was because of you, again. “You don’t think I am reliving him? Everyday I see you I…” his hand clenched into a fist closing off his words as you nodded, knowing exactly where he was going with that sentence and your face twisted in anguish. 

“Right, right. You look at me and you relive the h-horror,” you could barely speak as rage blossomed in your chest. “You look at me and you see him in my arms all small and tiny!” Your teeth clamped together dragging a breath inward with a hiss as your vision blurred. “You don’t think I see that everyday, every hour…” you looked down at your arms. “You believe I’m fixed, Armitage?” You looked up at him, the hot tears clinging to your lashes as you ground your teeth. “I a-am dreading t-today. That they m-might tell me to t-terminate,” you closed your eyes and fought to get a grip on your words. “And you throw our son at me like I have forgotten .” The doors pinged open and you stepped out of the lift. “Appointments at 2pm. Come, if you can bare to look at me.” He went to open his mouth but the doors closed on him as you strode away.

A cloud of anger followed you all day, you snapped at anyone who dared enter your space and you’re pretty sure you made that new young apprentice artist cry when she showed you some work. Poe had shook his head at you and you didn’t even need to hear him speak to know he was disappointed in you, but you didn’t care. Today wasn’t a day for you to be around other people. You could see yourself acting this way but the hurt and worry made you feel so detached. Like they were controlling you now and the person you normally were was just along for the ride. You couldn’t hold it in, every pointless thing that someone said to you was like they were slitting you with a knife, creating more exit wounds for the pain to leak out of and you couldn’t stop. 

You left the office during your lunch break, not intending to go back in case Hux didn’t come to the appointment. You wanted him there but you were conflicted about what this meant. Your feelings permeated every interaction with him and you knew, eventually you had to come to terms with the fact he didn’t want you. It didn’t stop it hurting though, the throbbing pain that he could instil in you was debilitating. You sighed, pushing away from the railing and turning from the sight of the river, you had an appointment to get to. 

Sitting in the waiting room was awful, so many memories came flooding back all at once and you found yourself gripping onto the arms of your chair. Echoes of words and phrases they used last time tumbled around your mind, they had bombarded you with medical jargon but when it all came down to it, your baby had been dying inside you and you didn’t notice. You had failed. Your hands were holding on so tight your knuckles turned white, he wasn’t here. You were still alone even as the clock hit 14:00 on the wall you tried not to think what this meant. Maybe he saw how you felt about him and decided to distance himself? Maybe he couldn’t face it? You bit back a wail and hid your face in your hands as memories filled your mind until there was a light touch on your arm suddenly silencing everything. 

“Armitage….” you looked up, his name dying on your tongue when you saw he still wasn’t here. 

“You here alone?” It took a moment to register that the question was aimed at you. Turning you saw a kind faced lady leaning across the empty seat next to you, her hand was the one on your arm. 

“Yes I am.” She smiled softly, understanding shining from her eyes and she patted your hand gently. 

“I’m sure everything will be fine.” You found yourself relaxing slightly and offering her a small smile in return. 

“I hope so,” you murmured. 

The sound of your name being called made you balk, you swallowed back a wave of nausea and stood on shaky legs. You made your way through the maze of chairs but it felt more and more were out in your way until suddenly they fel away and you were before the midwife. 

“Ready?” she asked and you nodded. You took that first step after her, it jarred up your leg and you felt like you were wading through treacle until you felt pressure on your hand. 

You looked up suddenly, seeing his face next to you, the tightness in his jaw, the slight panic in his gaze as it flickered over your own face. His eyes were red rimmed and you didn’t even realise he was capable of such emotion, you’d never seen the man cry in all the years you were married yet here he was barely holding the rawness of his feelings inside in public. 

“You came,” you whispered, curling your fingers around his. 

“You’re not alone,” he whispered back. Together you followed the midwife not knowing if you were both about to be broken again, or remade. 

When did breathing become so difficult? You thought as you counted the squares on the ceiling. The gel was cool and familiar on your skin, the wand gliding effortlessly over your belly but all you could feel was the slight tremor in Hux’s hand as he held yours, his eyes transfixed on the monitor as though he was a doctor and could pick out an issue himself. His foot tapped on the floor as his leg jumped nervously and you turned your gaze to look at him. This was a man who was always so well put together, a man who never showed any kind of emotion except maybe anger and displeasure and very rarely happiness. He had shown love though, he had loved you. He had been so different with you compared to everyone else even in college. 

“Do you see anything?” He asked suddenly, shattering the quiet and you gasped a little at the loudness of his voice. He leaned over you slightly, his thumb brushing subconsciously along your knuckles and the sensation sent goosebumps racing up your arm. 

“I just need the consultant to come and have a look,” she replied and you felt yourself tense up when she left the room. You couldn’t tear your gaze away from his face watching the micro expressions flit across his face as he fought to not lose his temper. 

You traced the line of his cheek bones, the flex of his jaw, the movement of his lips as he rolled against his teeth keeping his harsh words inside him. Hux ran his free hand over his face but not once did he let go of your hand. 

“Armitage…” you could barely form the word, your lips wouldn’t move but he heard you. 

“It’s ok, you’re ok.” A single tear leaked from the corner of your eye and he caught it with his finger. “No need for those.” Not yet. You both flinched when the door reopened emitting the man who had delivered the bad news to you last time. He shook Hux’s hand and rested a soothing hand on your shoulder. 

“Hello, Mrs Hux, let’s have a look at this growing baby shall we?” You felt a blush creep across your skin expecting Hux to correct him and point out you weren’t married anymore but he didn’t say a word. The consultant applied more gel and you looked at the monitor now trying not to think this could be the last time you see your baby inside you. “Would you look at that, she’s sucking her thumb,” he murmured.

“You said, she?” Hux said suddenly. 

“I refer to all babies as she until I know for sure,” said the consultant smoothly. “I don’t like calling them an “it” especially at this stage.” Your hand felt numb and you wiggled it slightly only to realise Hux was holding onto your so tightly he’d cut the blood supply off and the pins and needles rushed down your fingers as he eased his hold. “Here we have all ten fingers and toes, a good strong heartbeat, two kidneys…” he trailed off moving the wand across your belly, digging in slightly as he took a look at the back of the baby. The silence dragged for seconds but it felt like a lifetime and you were about to burst with questions when the consultant smiled. 

“Would you like a picture?” You nodded, not even daring to hope…. “There are no markers for concern but I would like to continue with the regular monitoring. The baby is measuring a little on the small side but no doubt she will catch up. How’s your sickness?” 

“Oh, it’s eased for now.” You replied breathlessly. 

“Felt much movement yet?” You shook your head and you saw the quick frown tug on his brow before he smiled again. “Alright well, I’d like to see you again in 4 weeks time, keep looking after yourself. See you soon.” He stood and shook Hux’s hand before leaving the room. You sat up almost in a daze, your baby was fine. Everything was fine? You could go home? Was this real? 

“Here’s your picture, I’ll just give you two a minute.” You looked up at the door as it closed softly behind the midwife. Hux carefully sat next to you on the bed, his shoulders sagging slightly as he stared at his hands in his lap. 

“Do you need me back at work?” You asked quietly and he pulled a face. 

“No, of course not.” You handed the picture over not missing the unsteadiness of his hands. 

“Are you alright?” At first he didn’t respond, just gazing down at the odd fuzzy picture only parents could find endearing before shaking his head just once. “It’s a girl.” Hux looked at you, his shoulder leaning comfortably into yours.

“How…?”

“Albie was clearly a boy at the 20 week scan, this one has no…bits.” You let out a soft snigger and Hux put his arm around you squeezing you for a moment before standing up and offering you his hand. 

“Come back to mine? I’ve got some things you might want to look at.” You slipped off the bed, still reeling about the fact you were able to leave this room and not have to take the long walk downstairs to the delivery suite. You were able to go home, with your baby, your healthy baby still inside you. 

“Sure,” you watched as he gathered your items, slipping your coat gently over your shoulders before opening the door for you. 

When you stepped outside of the hospital, you both took a moment. Breathing the fresh air, watching people with tiny babies leaving the unit and you felt joy rather than bitterness. It was a new feeling for you and you turned to Hux seeing him still watching the tiny baby be carried past by its parents. 

“That will be us this time. I’m going to try so hard,” your voice choked off and you looked down at your hands. 

“It wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way,” he said, tilting your face back up to look him in the eyes. “Come on,” he said softly. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

Stepping into his flat was like stepping back in time. It was still exactly as you remembered. The day you finally left for France he’d been somewhere, you weren’t sure where but he didn’t come home. So you packed, crying over your clothes and removing every part of you from his space, the flat had been both of yours but he offered to buy you out of your half during the divorce and you accepted. It was all you were entitled to from him anyway, not that you were with him for money or anything else, you were with him because you wanted to be, because you loved him. 

You stood awkwardly near the door as he hung your coats up, you’d never felt so out of place in a familiar space before and you weren’t sure what to do with yourself. You looked over your shoulder to see him cancelling a call on his phone and shoving it back in his pocket but you decided not to comment. He led you through the open plan living area to a door that used to be Albie’s room. You looked up at him not sure if you were ready for this, you had sat in that room for weeks after your son was gone, just holding his blanket and the toy that had his heartbeat in until the battery wore down. 

“Armitage….I don’t think I’m ready for this.” He put a hand on your shoulder and opened the door anyway. This had changed, the furniture was gone only to be replaced with a box in the middle of the room. 

“After you left, I er….might have destroyed…this room.”

“Destroyed?” You asked, stepping inside and smelling the fresh paint. 

“I am ashamed. I hated myself as soon as I did it but I came back here and you were…gone.” The apology was there on your tongue, burning the insides of your mouth but you couldn’t utter the words. You had done what you needed to heal at the time, you just needed room to breathe. “He was gone and I just,” he spread his hands out in a hopeless gesture. “Needed an outlet.” 

“You destroyed his memory?” you asked, turning to face him. His eyes widened and he stepped towards you but didn’t reach for you. 

“No! No. Just the shelves and the-the cot, which I replaced.” You looked to where he pointed and saw a cot still in its box leaning against the wall. “I put everything in here. I couldn’t bear it being up and so empty, while I was taking it apart one of the bolts got stuck and I lost my temper,” he confessed. “I’m sorry.” Both of you stared at the box in the middle of the floor as though it was going to open by itself but nothing happened. 

“Why did you replace the cot?” You asked, trying to understand why he would have done any of this. The furniture was something you’d chosen together at the height of your happiness. You supposed it made sense he would take his anger out on it, even if it was for your son. He shrugged. 

“Maybe I hoped you’d come home.” You placed a hand on his arm, no words were enough for this moment but the contact you offered him seemed to convey enough unspoken feelings and he nodded slightly. “Do you want me to take this to your place?” You did think about taking him up on that offer, but this had been Albie’s home even if he was never here, in this room. It didn’t feel right to take his things from here, to remove the last of him from Hux’s life. 

“We could get a Chinese and go through it together,” you suggested and he smiled slightly but the expression clouded over as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, cancelling yet another call. “You can take it. We can always do this another day.” 

“No, you’re here now. They can wait.” You watched as he grabbed the box and carried it into the living room making the decision for you both. You followed him putting the lamp on between the sofas and you got an overwhelming sense of remembrance. You gingerly seated yourself in your usual spot, you could see him in the kitchen grabbing a menu but his phone in his hand clearly texting someone. You wondered if it was that author woman and you felt that bubble inside you expand at the thought of him turning down being with her to be here with you. His phone was slipped back into his pocket and he came over, turning some menus over in his hands. 

“I haven’t actually ordered take away since, well since you were here so I can’t remember which one you prefer.” 

“You still got the one with the green dragon on the front?” You asked hopefully.

“The place that does Thai too?” 

“That’s the one! We don’t have a menu at the flat and I could never remember the name of it,” you exclaimed gratefully as you took it from him. 

“You can keep it,” he said, his attention being dragged to his phone ringing yet again and you sighed slightly. 

“You should go to her Armitage,” the words sliced your throat as you said them. You didn’t want him to go to her, but you had to act like the bigger person. 

“I don’t want to. Not right now.” His reply surprised you, maybe because he’d never treated you in such a way during your relationship, excluding the divorce obviously. He got up again and went to the cupboard to pour himself some whiskey, you waited until he finished not sure how much you could push him on this subject. 

“You chose her,” you finally said, his fingers clenching around his tumbler as he tossed back the drink without even a wince. “Armitage, just talk to her…” 

“But I don’t want her!” He almost shouted. “I don’t want to talk to her,” he said again, correcting his words carefully. His hands were flat on the kitchen counter and you couldn’t help but drag your eyes up the line of his spine. “I want….” 

“What?” You instantly asked, the bubble in your chest growing exponentially stealing the breath from you as you waited for his reply. 

“I want to concentrate on our baby,” he finally answered and you visibly deflated, the bubble shattering into multiple shards that seemed to pierce you all at once. The menu in your hands trembled, the words all swimming together as tears filled your eyes but he didn’t notice and you were able to pull yourself back from breaking down. 

“I just fancy some chicken chow mein and vegetable spring rolls.” He came back to sit on the other sofa with another glass full in his hand, the smokey liquid making you wrinkle your nose in distaste. He took the menu from you and phoned the order in. 

Your attention was now dragged back to the box sitting between you and a heaviness settled on you. An age old sadness that never left you filtered through, some days it was tangible and overwhelming and others it was just content to ride along with you. You glanced at Armitage, his glass in hand as he too stared at the box and you felt a surge of love for him. He too must be feeling what you were, he too must feel the hurt of Albie’s loss all day, everyday. You could almost feel each minute dragging by, the silence weaving between you and you felt the words gathering in your chest. 

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out. “For keeping this hidden from you for so long.” You swallowed harshly, putting a hand on your growing belly. “I didn’t….”

“You don’t need to do this,” he murmured across you but you carried on.

“No, let me explain. I didn’t want to tell you,” your lips curled with emotion and you took a quick breath. “I didn’t want to bring more hurt to you if….I couldn’t….carry to term.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Can we do this?” You whispered. 

“Do what?”

“Raise her, together. Be decent parents, not fight. I don’t want to fight with you, Armitage.”

“I don’t want to fight either.” He sighed and settled back into the cushions of the sofa. “So basically you’re asking us to be functioning adults?” You let out a laugh, tears of relief threatening to fall and you nodded. 

“Functioning is a stretch,” you joked and he huffed a laugh before downing his glass. 

“Yeah we can do this. Listen out for the door, food should be here soon,” he dumped his glass in the kitchen and headed for the bathroom. Almost instantly there was a knock at the door and you got up now wishing you’d ordered more food. You reached for the handle, pulling it towards you but the smile melted off your face when you realised it wasn’t the delivery of your dinner at all. 

“Oh, you’re here.” The woman barged into the apartment, knocking your shoulder. 

“Excuse me?” You asked angrily using the door to keep your balance. 

“Where is he?” She demanded. 

“Should you even be here?”

“I have more reason than you to be here,” she snapped. 

“I think you should leave,” you suggested firmly, the last thing Hux needed was to deal with this today of all days. 

“Who do you think you are telling me what I can and can’t do?” She sneered, towering over you. Holding your ground, glaring up at her hoping your face was showing you weren’t intimidated at all. “You think that baby will fix everything?” She asked, casting her judgemental gaze over you. “You think he’ll come running back to you?” 

“PHASMA!” His shout cracked like a whip, making her flinch. She turned and instantly started whining his name, saying she was sorry she didn’t know what was going on because he’d been ignoring her. The behaviour she was exhibiting made you feel sick and you watched Hux, the telltale angry blush on his cheeks as his green eyes shot daggers at her. He grabbed her arm and gently but firmly forced her back out into the hallway without a word. Her words were tumbling over each other in a rush but he barely acknowledged she was speaking and quietly closed the door in her face. He leaned heavily against it with his eyes closed, a frustrated sigh escaping him. 

“I didn’t expect her to turn up,” he admitted quietly. 

“It’s fine,” you replied, trying to keep your shaking hands out of his sight. 

“No it’s not. Today has been stressful enough as it is, which she knows.” Your eyes widened at the floor. 

“She knows?”

“About everything, yes.” You moved, picking up your bag and coat. “Wait where are you going?” He asked. 

“I should go home. Thank you for today. Coming to the appointment. We should,” you gestured to the box on the floor. “We should visit this another day.”

“But food is coming, we haven’t…” he trailed off with a sigh, his eyes on the box full of his son's items. “I’ll bring it round to yours,” he finished quietly. 

“Whatever you think is best,” you murmured. He opened the door and checked the hallway. 

“I’ll see you at work?” You nodded, shrugging your coat on. 

“Goodnight Armitage.” 

“Night.” You could feel his eyes on your back until you turned the corner. You expected to fall apart, you readied yourself for the rush of emotion that usually flooded you at this point but you were empty. The dark void yawned wider with each step, even the ride in the back of the taxi went by in a blur and the next thing you knew you were standing in your cold, empty apartment alone. You dumped everything on the floor, shedding your clothes as you walked your way to the shower hoping that would make you feel something. The water was hot as it cascaded over your skin, running through your hair and splashing your face and still you were devoid of feeling. It didn’t relax you or free the boxed up emotions that were trapped inside you, so you went to bed. Staring at the black ceiling as you tried to shut off for bed but the vision of her barging past you kept playing on some sticky loop, the words she said to you turning over in your mind; 

“You think that baby will fix everything?”

“You think he’ll come running back to you?”

“But I don’t want her!” 

You turned over onto your side, curling into a ball wishing the events of today would leave you alone because you had no idea what to think anymore

Chapter Text

It was a Sunday, you lounged in bed reading a new book you had to proof read. You really liked this one, the main character was a magic wielding guy who fell in love with some elf princess that he could never have….you slapped the book down onto the bed with a sigh. Hux was that elf princess, the love interest you couldn’t have. You got up with a groan, stretching your back and wrapping a cardigan around your body. The coffee was pouring just as someone knocked on the door. Frowning you looked at the clock, it was far too early for visitors and there were no deliveries due today. They knocked again and you huffed loudly, making your way down the stairs only to open the door to Armitage, the box from his flat at his feet. 

“Oh.” He cocked an eyebrow at your response. 

“Going to let me in?” He asked and it spurred you into action. 

“Yeah yeah, come in.” You made your way back up the stairs as he came in, shutting the door behind himself and following you. 

“I’ve never seen your flat…” he commented, looking around as he shed his black trench coat. “Where’s Kat?” You blinked slowly at his question, still trying to get over the fact your ex husband was in your flat at 9am on a Sunday morning. 

“She erm…I kicked her out.” 

“What why?” He asked. 

“I doesn’t matter,” you mumbled. “Coffee?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Your eyes were dragged to the box he’d placed on the coffee table, your sons short life was confined to such a small space, and he was here. You’d been happy with leaving Albie’s stuff in Hux’s flat believing he needed it more but here he was wanting to share this with you. You watched as Hux adjusted his watch quickly before taking the coffee mug you offered him, both of you sitting down in silence. The box seemed bigger here, demanding your attention in the smaller space as it sat proud on the table. 

“Did you talk to Phasma?” Instantly the atmosphere changed between you and he sighed in irritation but you had to know. 

“We spoke, she won’t be bothering you again.” You. “How is the Christmas party planning coming along?” He asked in a strained voice, clearly desperate to change the subject. 

“That’s on my job list for next week,” you replied and he nodded. You couldn't bring yourself to look at him, your eyes glued to the box still and dread weaved its way through you. “I’m not sure….I can do this.” You jumped when he got up suddenly. 

“I carted that box all the way here and you tell me you’re not ready!” His voice loud. 

“You just rocked up Armitage no text nothing!” You replied defensively. 

“You were ready the other day!” He cried. 

“You sprung it on me then too! What was I supposed to do!” 

“I can’t have this box in my apartment anymore!” He bellowed, pointing at it and you stood up feeling fresh rage cascade through you. 

“And you think I can? You think I can sit here and try and remember the little happy snippets even when they are clouded by the hatred I feel for myself? For failing him, and you!” His shoes rapped on the wooden floor as he paced and you tried to get a hold of your anger, realising he was as upset as you were and this was him acting out. “We don’t have to do this.” 

“We do. We need to lay him to rest to…we can’t keep him in a box forever.” Realisation dawned on you and you looked fearfully at the box. 

“He’s….he’s in there?” Hux’s shoulders sagged, his hand covering his face. 

“I didn’t know what to do, you had gone after the cremation and I…well I did what I did,” he finished lamely into his palm. 

“Oh god Armitage!” You moved towards the box, your hand trembling as you finally opened the top, your hands finding the smooth ceramic heart shape exactly how you remembered. It was lighter than you recalled but the light blue colour was ingrained in your memory. You traced the gold letters with your fingertip not even attempting to stop the swell of tears, blinking them free from your lashes. “I’m holding my boy,” you whispered. “I’m so sorry I’m sorry for everything!” You clutched the heart to you, feeling the despair cloud your insides. “I failed…” 

“No, you didn’t!” You flinched away from his outstretched arms but he forcefully pulled you into his embrace. “You didn’t fail. He just wasn’t ready for this world.” You moaned into his shirt, hating the way the tears were always there, how the emotion always stormed your mind relentlessly and you had no barriers against it. 

“When will I s-stop feeling like this?!” Your cry was muffled as you shouted into his chest, still clutching the ceramic heart tightly to your own. 

“I don’t know, I don’t think it ever goes away,” he whispered softly into your ear burying his face into your neck. He was warm and steady, wrapped around you creating a safe cocoon with his embrace, his scent was relaxing and comfortingly familiar, the feel of him around you began to awaken something inside you making you suck in a breath and shrug him off. Using your thumb you quickly swiped at your eyes, making an attempt to pull yourself together. “We need to scatter him, somewhere only we know.” Your mind wasn’t working, you couldn’t think and the silence grew oppressive until Hux finally broke it. 

“The creek at the estate.” You allowed yourself to look up and meet his gaze. 

“You still have the house?” You asked in disbelief. 

“I rent it out to people,” he said with a shrug like it was no big deal, sometimes you forgot just how wealthy he really was. 

“The little creek that runs along the bottom of the property?” 

“Where we had that picnic,” you confirmed and he nodded. 

“Where I proposed.” You closed your eyes hoping he wasn’t going to say those words to remind you of what had been all those years ago. 

“When?” You whispered. 

“Now, today. Hasn’t he waited long enough?” You reached into the box and pulled out Albie’s blanket, wrapping the heart up carefully and placing it on the sofa in a daze. 

“I need to get dressed,” you mumbled, almost seeming to glide to your bedroom. It was cold, so thick leggings would be the most comfortable thing for you to wear with your boots and a nice top. Your fingers swept through the clothes in your wardrobe but you weren’t really seeing them. Taking a flowy top you stripped out of your loungewear and slowly got dressed, trying not to think about what you were dressing for. You grabbed your black boots and excited the bedroom, trying not to take in Hux in your living area. Or the box open on the coffee, the teddy you had hugged for weeks was in your ex husbands hands, his eyes staring blankly at the bear. Without warning he pressed the bear's tummy and the sound of your son's heartbeat ripped through you. It seemed slower than it was all that time ago or maybe you were used to your baby girl's sounds now. The noise of a healthy baby. 

“Stop,” you gasped leaning heavily on the back of the sofa. Hux snapped out of whatever memory he was in, the sound of the bear stopping immediately. 

“Are you alright?” 

“No,” you answered truthfully. You held out a hand for the bear and he hesitantly handed it over. As soon as your fingers touched the soft downy fur you were transported back to those days. You had no idea how long you just sat and stared, rocking in the chair as you faced the empty cot, the bear clenched tightly in your hands, his blanket draped over your shoulders. You didn’t eat for days at a time, refusing to move or speak as you festered alone in the pain of your loss. You were aware of Hux coming in but his voice was so far away, barely piercing through the fog of grief as you continuously rocked in that chair. 

“The car is outside,” he murmured. He was right, this needed doing today. You gently placed the bear down thinking you should get one with a pink bow for your baby girl, she deserved the same treatment as her brother. You picked up the wrapped heart, cradling it close to you, letting Armitage wrap an arm around your waist and planting a shaky kiss on the top of your head. You accepted it, not daring to look up at him or you’d break into tiny pieces all over the floor. 

The sun was too bright, almost mocking you with its cheeriness as it gazed down over you both, but then you thought it should be sunny. It should be bright and airy to celebrate the 54 minutes your baby boy breathed in your arms. 

Hux helped you into his Range Rover, you’d forgotten how much you enjoyed being high up, the interior still looked brand new and you breathed in deeply. For all the changes you’d both made, he really had kept some of the history you two wrote together. He got in slamming his door shut and starting up the car, pulling away from the curb with a soft roar. The roads he took you knew like the back of your hand and everything was scarily familiar. The way his hand dangled over the support in between the seats, the noise of the engine as he accelerated, the frustration he voiced at a slow driver on the country lanes out of the city, it made you ache so badly inside you thought you were going to burst. When he made the turn off for the estate your breath hitched, it was always such a sight seeing the house appear from between the trees and it never failed to render you speechless. The gravel hissed under his tyres, a cloud of dust rose and he looked up at the house with a blank expression but you knew he was holding it all in right now. His memories of growing up in this place were not happy ones. 

“Do you fancy a walk or shall I drive us down?” You looked up at the blue sky and grinned. 

“Let’s walk.” It had been so long since you’d been in the country, the air here was lighter and fresher. It was so quiet except for the crisp rustle of the dry leaves that still clung to the branches, a reminder that autumn was ending and winter was almost upon you. Your feet went from memory, the first field was full of sheep. They watched you with untrusting eyes from a safe distance, you tried to approach one but it skipped away and Hux tutted behind you. 

“These ones are so skittish,” he commented. 

“Do you remember the cows?” You asked. “They used to follow us across the field.” 

“How could I forget?” He grumbled and your laughter rang out loudly. 

“Oh my god the bull!” You sniggered and he rolled his eyes, lengthening his stride so he wasn’t walking with you anymore. “The way it charged after you..! Your—your hands waving…” you descended into fresh giggles. 

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up,” he said with mock anger, barely keeping the smile off his own face. 

“The farmer warned you!”  

“Yeah well, I had a girl to impress didn’t I?” He replied, shoving his hands in pockets.

“Wait, you did that to impress me? Oh Armitage,” you snorted, enjoying this feeling that bubbled up in your chest. “That was probably the dumbest thing you did in our teenage years.” 

“Oh I don’t know, the brownies before our final exam probably topped the bull incident.” 

“Oh god, they were vile,” you agreed. “I thought I was going to have to take matchsticks in with me just so I could prop my eyes open.” He smiled, scuffing the earth with his shoe. 

“How on earth did we survive?” He asked lightly, opening the gate wide enough for you to slip through. 

“I guess we knew we had bigger things coming,” you said softly, eyeing the trees knowing what lay just beyond them. 

You heard it first, the bubbling rush of water as it trickled over the stones, your feet took you to the thicket and you passed through straightening up on the other side. It was shaded here, a fresh coolness wafted over you and you instantly knew this was the place. A solemn silence fell over you both broken only by the stream and the cry of a buzzard lazily floating in a rare thermal it had found. You felt the tightness in your chest and it felt so out of place, this was an area of peace and tranquillity, it didn’t feel right feeling like this here and yet you couldn’t stop. 

“Do you want me to…?” You nodded and handed the bundle over, watching as he carefully undid the lid revealing the grey ashes that were once the baby you’d held in your arms. A rough sob broke from your throat and Hux knelt down not caring if his trousers got muddy. His pale fingers delicately scooped up the ashes and you felt the need to touch him. To physically connect with him as he cast the first load of ashes into the water. You carefully slid to the ground next to him, feeling his body next to yours as you reached out. They were softer than you imagined, it barely felt like you were holding anything and you let it filter from between your fingers. And so you took it in turns, silently saying goodbye to a chapter in your lives you never got to live. Tears tracked down your face, as you watched the water carry away your first born. Unconsciously you put a hand on your ever growing stomach, closing your eyes and taking a steadying breath, barely flinching when Hux put his hand over yours. 

“My legs are killing me,” he finally muttered, withdrawing from you when he stood and took a few steps away, his head bowed for a moment as he gathered himself. “Need help?” You nodded and let him heave you up. You went to head to the car but his hand stopped you making you look back at him with an unspoken question. A look you hadn’t seen for a long time was in his green eyes and instantly your thoughts fled to the corners of your mind when his hand came up to caress your cheek. You couldn’t move, only your chest rising and falling erratically gave you away. He stepped towards you, bending down so he could press his forehead against yours, his own breath ragged. Your eyes fluttered shut, your heart leaping into your throat as he pressed his face into yours but something twisted inside you telling you this isn't right. He was grieving, you both were and now was not the time to do something stupid. But when his open mouth ghosted over your own, you had to force down a moan that threatened to spill from you. He was all you ever wanted, and yet he was what you couldn’t have. You’d just rip each other apart all over again, the new pages of your story would end in floating tatters all over the floor and that thought alone made you step away. 

“We should head back,” you whispered, your words brushing his lips as you spoke, pushing against his chest gently with a hand to emphasise your words. Your heart was tearing, making you think you’d made the wrong choice but you knew you hadn’t. It was for the best. 

Chapter Text

December was approaching, the nights drawing in tightly with their dark chilly embrace when you walked home. You had been holed up in your office recently preparing for the book launch of Blood Moon, you tried not to think about whose pockets it was going to line and just concentrated on your job. You barely spoke to Hux unless it was work related, trying not to think about what could have been even though the memory of the almost kiss tormented you day in and day out. 

You were arranging the Christmas party for the staff, booking a venue where you could all eat, drink and dance. Despite your personal ongoings, the firm had done very well this year and so you decided to go out that little extra and pay for a free bar, only to realise you’d be drinking lemonade for the whole night. You let out a loud sigh and slumped in your chair. 

“You ok sweetheart?” 

“Yeah, just booking the Christmas party,” you told Poe as he deposited a single mince pie on your desk. “Are you trying to make me fatter Dameron?” You asked playfully. 

“Listen, I’ve seen you snaffling those mince pies away like no one's watching but spoiler! I was watching!” He eased himself onto your sofa. “I can’t wait for the Christmas party and to have some time off.”

“And then it’s New Year and the usual…” you tapered off realising you were about to talk about the party you threw every year with Kat. Even when you were married you did a New Year party for your group of friends but this year was so very different. 

“You know she’s sorry,” he said, knowing exactly where your thoughts were going. “And things are good with you and Hugs now right?” 

“Poe…” you placed a hand on your belly. You felt odd, sick even. The rolling sensation inside followed by a quick pain had you taking a sharp breath but he didn’t notice. 

“…I mean she did you a favour, got you two talking?” 

“Poe. I’m busy. I can’t talk about this right now!” You snapped, not understanding what was happening to you. Why did you feel like this?? The pain came again and you flinched. 

“Isn’t about time you spoke to her at least?” He asked. You stood, your skin prickled as thoughts raced around your mind, past memories haunting you, echoes of pain and crying tugged on the fringes of your consciousness and you grabbed your coat. “Where are you going?”

“I need to go home. Tell Armitage.” And you left. Even walking home you had to pause and lean on the railing, the pressure inside you was something that made you panic. Was this it? Everything had been going so well recently and now…your body was failing again. You climbed the stairs slowly thinking if you could just get to the living room, you could sit down and think about this. Absently you swiped a hand between your legs but there was no wetness or blood, if you were losing the baby there’d be blood. You tried to focus on that but stories you’d seen clouded your mind of babies dying inside their mothers and no one knowing, and Albie….he’d been so ill for so long even in the safest place he could be you still couldn’t protect him. Now, it was happening again. 

You clutched onto the sofa, tears streaming down your face as you searched for your phone, barely remembering where you’d left your bag. You were sobbing so loudly you didn’t hear the door go until Kat was grabbing you.

“Hey hey what’s wrong?!” She asked, trying to get you to focus. 

“I need my phone! Something is wrong!” You could feel the panic was taking you over, with each sensation in your stomach it made you jump. You nestled a hand under the soft curve of your bump trying not to think the worst. “I need my phone!” You almost screamed. “I need to ring the doctor!” 

“Would you look at me!” She grabbed your face making you stare into her face. “Take a breath and then tell me what’s wrong.” You tried but the sobs erupted even harder. 

“I can’t…I just…it feels so wrong!” 

“What does? Explain it to me.” Her firmness made you concentrate finally and you looked inward flinching when the sensation happened again bringing tears to your eyes. 

“There it was, am I losing the baby?!” You gasped. 

“Does it hurt? What does it feel like? Where is it?” You scrunch your face up, now you thought about it no, it didn’t hurt much, it just felt unusual. Something you never experienced with the last pregnancy so you readily assumed the worst. 

“It's here and I just feel like, a spasm. Am I losing the baby?” You whined pitifully leaning heavily on her as the panic you felt made you slightly light headed.  “Oh god oh god! I can’t go through this again, I can’t! Where is Armitage?” You moaned through your sobs. Not even aware you’d asked for him in the swell of your grief. Kat placed her hand on your stomach and you cried out when it happened again, throwing your head back and keening loudly. “I need my phone!” You tried to push her away but she tutted and grabbed your hand, holding it to your own stomach. 

“Just take a moment,” she said quietly. Her free hand wiping the wetness tenderly from your cheeks. “You’re ok,” she soothed. It happened again but this time you felt it against your hand and your eyes widened in shock. She smiled at your reaction. “I thought so,'' she murmured. “Your baby is kicking.” You let out a relieved laugh at her words. 

“Really?” You squeaked. 

“Yes!” You could see the tears in her own eyes as she gazed down at her hand resting on your bump. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “That was a big one.” 

“They like you,” you whispered. She went to move away but you gripped her arm. “What brought you round?” 

“I needed something from my room, I’m sorry I should have called but it’s my day off. I assumed you’d be at work.” You shook your head. 

“No it’s ok.” You stood facing each other for a moment when you both opened your mouths at the same time. 

“I’m sorry…”

“Move back…” your laughs weaved together for a moment and Kat wiped her face. 

“I am though, I am sorry that I told him. I just wanted you to have his support and I was going to bully him if need be.” You nodded. 

“It’s ok, I know. It was just a shock that’s all. I’m sorry I kicked you out.” She shrugged. 

“I probably would have done the same,” she confessed with a slight smirk. “So I can come back? Because as much as I adore Poe, the man is untidy as heck!” You rubbed your bump feeling a glow of warmth inside you at the little flutters of movement. 

“Yeah you can come back, you shouldn’t have left…” you murmured. 

“I didn’t want to argue with an angry mumma bear. I found your phone by the way,” she called from the kitchen and you finally moved. 

“Thanks. I’m feeling pretty tired so I might head to bed.” You grabbed the mobile but every movement you made felt false, like you were watching from a different angle and it wasn’t really you that was living this moment. 

“You sure you’re ok?” She asked, concern written all over her face. “Because you scared me,” she confessed. You put on a smile and nodded. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m ok sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m….I’m going to bed.” 

“Babe, it’s 3 in the afternoon.”

“I’m tired.” You said as you shut the door, leaning heavily against it. Looking down at your phone you contemplated ringing Armitage, telling him how scared you were but you knew you couldn’t rely on him for every tiny little thing that happened. You were doing this alone no matter what he said. 

Before you knew it, the last day of work had rolled around and the office was abuzz with noise and chatter. You tried to concentrate on your screen but you knew Hux was in a meeting with Phasma about her book. Armitage had been right, she hadn’t bothered you, she didn’t even look at you which you were perfectly happy with. Things with Kat were better, she moved back in and you both fell into the easy routine you’d had before. Poe was round much more but you didn’t mind except when he forgot and came out of Kat’s bedroom in just his underwear and you had to scream at him to get dressed. 

You toyed with a small bauble that hung from the tiny Christmas tree on your desk almost dreading the Christmas party later. You didn’t have to do anything, the venue would take care of it all but still just the thought of it wore you out. 

“What are you wearing tonight?” You looked up breaking your reverie to see Kat sitting in a chair opposite you. 

“A dress.” You replied absently.

“That’s helpful, usually you’ve shown me by now,” she said, pouting slightly. 

“Yeah sorry I’ve been so preoccupied, anyway it’s comfortable that’s all I ask from clothing right now.” 

“Are you nearly done here? Armitage hinted at letting us all go around threeish,” she remarked.

“Don’t wait for me, I’ve got more emails to send off before I can come home.” She stood up. 

“Alright, see you soon.” You sat back in your chair, wincing from a sudden kick and you used your fingers to press against that point in your belly. 

“I swear you’re going to be a footballer or something,” you mumbled with your eyes closed. 

“Not with my genes,” Hux said as he shut your office door. “Is she kicking?” You nodded and gestured for his hand, pulling it towards you and pressing it into your belly. “Oh, oh wow,” he murmured. You studied him as he leaned over you, he’d had a hair cut recently but still the front worked its way free and draped over his brow in a way he hated but you adored. His green eyes were pale, still so intense and they rose to meet yours as he smiled slightly. You let your gaze wander over his features, tracing the line of his freckles noticing how your heart skipped a beat at his closeness. “How are you feeling? We haven’t really spoken much,” he asked, his hand still against your stomach, leaving a warm hand print on your skin. 

“I’m ok, just working, sleeping and growing a human.” He straightened up, his hand slipping out from under yours.

“You can really relax over this holiday,” he commented and you smiled. 

“Our last one just us,” your face fell when you realised what you’d said. “I mean, you know before we become…before s-she arrives. I didn’t mean,” you gestured to you both with a hand. “Like, us. Together.” Stop talking. 

“About that,” oh god. You made a noncommittal noise of acknowledgement as you stood up. You began to gather your items in the hope he’d take the hint and leave. “Christmas and New Year, what are your plans?” 

“I am not sure I have any except sleeping.”

“Well I was thinking we could get together, spend it at your place with Kat and Poe. What do you think?” In all honesty you had no thoughts, part of you craved to spend the time with him over Christmas like you used to but the other half of you said it was too good to be true. 

“What about Phasma?” You asked, doing up your bag and refusing to look at him. 

“She’s going north to see family,” he replied smoothly.

“Wouldn’t you rather go with her than spend Christmas with your ex wife?” He tutted lightly and stood by the window looking out at everyone on the floor as they packed up for the holidays. 

“You’re still my friend, and I’d rather spend my Christmas with you guys than people I don’t know. Anyway, let me know what you think. Are you ready for tonight?” He asked brightly, changing the subject. 

“Oh yes, drinking lemonade all night is going to be the highlight of my evening,” you replied sarcastically. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh!” You heaved your bag onto your shoulder and he opened the door for you. “I’ll see you later!” You waved a hand in his direction without looking back, joining Poe and Kat at the lift, absently rubbing the spot on your belly where Hux had his hands just moments before. 

The venue was stunning. The views of the city stretched out in all directions and you couldn't believe how far you could see even though it was dark.

“This place was a good choice!” Commented Kat as she stood next to you, looking at the glass in her hand you sighed. 

“God I want a drink,” you muttered. 

“No you don’t, this is just water anyway,” she lied, making you look at her with annoyance. 

“I can smell the vodka from here.” 

“Ladies,” you scowled at Poe as he came over also with a drink in his hand. 

“I hate you all,” you pouted and stormed off to the bar. The bartender was filling up mixers in the fridge so you perched on a stool even if it was uncomfortable. You rested your chin on your palm looking around at all the people you worked with, they smiled and laughed and talked. Some danced near the DJ booth, some were eating in the other room but they all had fucking drinks. Your eyes were dragged over to the doors opening and you felt your heart fall at least three levels down and back up again. Hux held the door open for Phasma and they strode in looking like an absolute power couple. 

“Can I get you anything?” You hated her, you wished she’d trip in those heels, you wished Hux would take his hand off her fucking waist, you wished many different painful deaths on her… “Pick your poison?” You suddenly realised the bartender was talking to you making you straighten up and his hazel eyes were dragged to your belly. “Oh, apologies. Just assumed…” he trailed off making a face that begged for you to interrupt him. 

“Never seen a pregnant person before?” You asked with a smirk. 

“Now, hang on!” He started with a smile. “I don’t serve many, it has to be said.” 

“What have you got that’s baby friendly?” You asked leaning over the bar as best you could. 

“How about I make you a mocktail?” He ran a hand through his dark hair as he looked around him. 

“A what?” You frowned. 

“It’s a cocktail but,” he leaned forward with a mischievous look in his hazel eyes. “No alcohol.” 

“Ok, I might be up for one of those. Do they look as pretty as a cocktail?”

“I’m slightly offended at you questioning my skills here,” he replied with an affronted look on his face. 

“Well I haven’t seen them yet have I?” A smile spread over your face and he grinned back. 

“Touché. Ok, how are you wiiiiith…” he clicked his fingers together and then pulled a few bottles out. “Strawberry, pineapple, lime? Are these flavours all good?” 

“It sounds amazing already, oh! And ice?” You asked hopefully. 

“You want some to suck on while I work my magic?” He asked with a knowing half smile on his handsome face. 

“Gosh, you are good!” You exclaimed softly and he deposited a glass of ice on the bar. 

“I aim to please, now are you ready?” You watched as he put ice in another glass, followed by lime and pineapple juice in a mixer. He shot you a smile as he shook it and you couldn’t help but grin back, the ice was cooling the inside of your mouth but really you needed it on your neck, this man was hot and for the first time in years you felt something blossoming inside you. His arms tensed as he strained the contents of the mixer, the yellow liquid flowing nicely over the ice. He then grabbed the soda, topping the glass up followed by the redness of the strawberry juice that he just floated through the top half of the drink. He carefully put a straw in the drink and pushed it towards you. 

“Looks like a tequila sunrise,” you commented and his face lit up. 

“Oh so you’re a party girl?” 

“Ha, not anymore. What’s your name?” He stuck his hand over the bar and you took it, feeling a little thrill at the strength in his grip, his eyes holding yours with that honeyed gaze. 

“I’m Ben.” You gave him your name in return, your hands lingering together for an extra moment before you both let go.

“You’re the one that booked the venue,” he realised, you nodded and went to finally taste the drink he made you when a hand shot out and slid the drink away from you. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” You glared up into your ex husband's face, the rage flooding you at his audacity. 

“Armitage! That’s my drink?!” 

“A cocktail? In your condition?” Ben stepped forward, his mouth open to explain but you slid off the stool, squaring up to Hux. 

“My condition?” You said in quiet angry tones. “You think I don’t know about my condition? You think I would risk everything on a drink? Is your opinion of me that fucking low Armitage?” You reached past him and grabbed the glass, throwing the straw onto the bar while keeping eye contact with Hux you downed the drink with ease. Slamming the glass back down you turned to Ben. “Thank you, that was delicious, even if it was alcohol free,” you said scathingly, throwing the last part of the sentence in Hux’s direction before stalking off to the balcony. No one else was out here and for good reason, it was freezing but the view of London twinkling below you in all Christmassy colours was stunning. If only you could enjoy it. 

You paced along the balcony, seething to yourself, your mind tumbling over all the things you wanted to say to Hux. How dare he? Like you’d drink while pregnant, did he really think you were capable of that? You wrapped your arms around your body trying to warm yourself up not wanting to go back inside when the glass door opened. 

“I brought you a coat,” Ben said and you let him drape it over your shoulders. It smelled spicy, the rich leather was worn and soft and you slipped your arms into the large sleeves. 

“Thanks.” 

“I’m on a break, the party is starting to kick off in there and my extra staff arrived.” 

“We are a rowdy bunch at the Christmas party. They work so hard through the year it’s only fair they all get to let their hair down.” A gust of wind whipped around you both and you felt Ben press against you wrapping the coat he was wearing across his body. 

“So I hate to ask….” He started but you cut him off. 

“You’re asking about Armitage I assume?”

“The entitled ginger dickhead? Yeah.” You sniggered and nudged his elbow with yours. 

“I like that. Well he’s my ex husband. Father of this baby and an absolute pain in my life.” You could see Ben studying you in the dim light before he turned back to look at the view. “I’m sorry, you didn’t ask for my life story!”

“I was going to say I hope he’s not your boyfriend because that blonde in there can’t keep her hands off him. Oh, sorry.” He murmured when he saw the expression on your face but you covered it with a beaming smile. 

“No need, he has moved on and he’s history to me,” you finished with a shrug. He turned to you, making you look up at him. 

“So, how about we get out of this freezing wind and I make you some drinks, alcohol free of course.” You him for a moment, his freckles were highlighted but the light from inside, his dark hair drifted across his face in the breeze and he quickly ran a large hand through the waves. 

“Yeah come on, show me what else you can make, just nothing with mint,” you replied. 

“I’m sure I can do that,” he offered with a wide smile. 

“Oh girl, how many tequila shots did she do?” You asked Ben as you wiped Kat’s hair off her brow. 

“I stopped her eventually.” You looked up at him seeing the slightly guilty look on his face but you couldn’t blame him completely. This girl was a monster when she started on the tequila. 

“Ok, well we can leave her on the bar for now, where’s Poe?” 

“Here!” You stifled a giggle as he jerked upright off the table he was sprawled over, his curls flopping all over his forehead. “Imma haff a head ‘morrow.” He mumbled. 

“You sure are. Fuck sake, how am I going to get these two home?” 

“I can help,” your face smoothed into a blank expression as Hux approached you. Phasma glaring at his back from behind him clearly not wanting him to help you at all. 

“No it’s ok I’ve got it,” Ben offered and Hux turned his furious gaze to Ben as he approached. 

“Do you know this man?” Hux asked dismissively and you crossed your arms trying to keep the irritation inside but it was getting increasingly difficult the longer your ex husband looked at you. 

“Yes I do. Thanks Ben I’d appreciated the help, we need to get them downstairs so I can shove them into a taxi.”

“Alright I’ll let Ushar know I’m leaving.”

“I can drive you all,” suggested Hux forcefully, bringing a sneer to your face. 

“I don’t think your lady friend will be too happy about that. Go home, Armitage. I’ve got this.”

“Fine,” he spat, casting a disapproving look over your friends before heading back to Phasma and leaving without a backwards glance. Ben watched them go, a disapproving look in his eyes. 

“Can I say out loud that I don’t like him?” You let loose a soft laugh. 

“I don’t like him right now either,” you confessed. “But he’s a problem for another day. Kat! Babe you gotta wake up!” You looked up just in time to see Poe wobble out of his seat. “Ben, can you grab him?”

“Hey man, this way.” He said, guiding Poe to your side. 

“This wasa goooood partey,” mumbled Poe, his toxic breath rolling over you making your stomach heave. 

“Oh shit, that’s going to be coming out of your pores tomorrow,” you exclaimed. 

“Imma wake,” Kat breathed into her arms but she didn’t move and you changed tact. 

“You look strong, can you carry her? And then I can deal with him or we are never going to get out of here.” 

The trip on the lift was nothing short of entertaining, you had to keep stopping Poe from pushing all the buttons, Ben’s arms strained under the dead weight of Kat but he didn’t utter a word of complaint. You waved a taxi down, surprised you managed to get one quickly considering it was so busy in the city tonight. Ben got in with you all and secretly you were pleased he stayed to help because you were going to struggle getting these two up the stairs. 

You thanked the taxi driver, relieved no one was sick in the back of the vehicle. Opening the door you let Ben take Kat up first and followed with a very unsteady Poe who had started singing Justin Timberlake’s SexyBack. 

“Which room?” He called. 

“The door furthest right!” You shouted back making Poe wince. 

“Loud, youso loud.”  

“Just keep singing dude,” you retorted, trying to keep him steady on the stairs. 

“I’m so glad youaremafriend,” he spouted in one go. 

“Yeah me too, it’s been a few years and I am still carting your arse up the stairs drunk.”

“Since—since—we were like….”

He frowned, his fingers waving in front of his face as he tried to count them. 

“Oh boy, since we were around 5,” you told him as he finally stepped up the last step into the living area. 

“I know Ben,” he breathed into your ear coming to a stop. 

“What?” He nodded, his brown eyes wide. 

“Yeah, I don’t like him. I kn-know ‘im. Used to live next door.” You frowned, seeing Ben cover a fully dressed Kat with the covers. 

“But I never saw him?” You whispered. Poe tapped his nose but missed as he leaned heavily on you. 

“I told him not to bother you, boop .” You wrinkled your own nose as his finger brushed your face. 

“Mate, you are drunk as a skunk. Let’s get you into bed.” He groaned and shuffled his feet in the direction of the room. 

“Yea, shleep sounds sofuckinggood.” He dropped into the bed and you removed both their shoes before closing the door on them. Ben stood awkwardly in your kitchen, his hands in his trouser pockets, the black coat he had worn earlier covered the whiteness of his shirt. 

“Well, thank you for that. Not sure I’d have coped on my own,” you told him, bending down and dragging your shoes off. “Oof,” you winced, making him step towards you. 

“You ok?” 

“Oh yeah, just the baby is kicking. She’s always more active at night,” you mumbled pressing your fingers into your belly. 

“Can I?” You eyed him for a moment, looking at the size of his hand that hesitantly stretched towards you. “I’ve never felt a baby kick before,” he confessed sheepishly. 

“Put your hand here,” you guided him, pulling him closer. Pressing his hand into you and looking up into his face. A smile flickered across his lips, his gaze locking with yours when your baby kicked against the pressure. You saw the wonder fill his eyes at the sensation and you both stood there letting the moment spiral around you. 

“That’s so cool,” he whispered. “You’re amazing.” Emotion welled in your chest at his words, you had never thought of your body as amazing after failing the first time but hearing someone else say it to you cracked something open inside you. His hand reached up to catch the tear that escaped from the corner of your eye. “I guess he never tells you that,” he whispered.

“Oh god,” you moaned, closing your eyes trying to move away from him but he stopped you. His hand was warm on the side of your face, his thumb drifting to the other side of your chin making you look at him. 

“I want to kiss you,” your heart skipped a beat at the confession and you sucked your bottom lip out of habit. He rolled his own lips, his face just inches away from you filling your vision. “Ok,” he breathed, beginning to retreat but now it was your turn to stop him. You could feel it, the tension growing between you. A different sort of tightness gathered in your chest making your breath come out in soft gasps. You hadn’t been kissed by anyone other than Armitage in most of your teen and all of your adult life. You were nervous, worried even, what if you disappointed him? What if you were just no good? 

“Kiss me,” you gasped, silencing the doubts in your mind. “I want you to kiss me.” His expression darkened and he shifted slightly, suddenly he seemed so big and imposing and you felt the kitchen Island cut into your back and you had nowhere else to go. 

“Are you sure?” 

“ Yes.”

Chapter Text

The kiss was soft, his plush lips pressing against yours until you opened up slightly and he copied, letting you lead. A sense of exhilaration coursed through your body as you deepened the kiss, your hand sliding up the nape of his neck and feeling the softness of his hair. One of his hands was settled on your waist, the fingers digging into your side slightly through the fabric of your dress. His other hand branded the side of your neck, his thumb under your chin, tilting your head up so he could kiss you harder. You could feel him pressing into your bump and you broke the kiss off in surprise. 

“I’m sorry!” He gasped, pressing his forehead against yours. “I should go,” he stepped away from you but he’d given you a taste of something you hadn’t had in a long time. 

“Do you have to?” His smart shoes slid to a stop on your wooden floor and looked back at you with a hopeful expression on his face. 

“I don’t…”

“You want a drink?” You asked, smoothing down the material of your dress suddenly feeling awkward and needing something to with your hands. 

“Sure,” he replied, the rustle of his coat coming off made your pulse race to new heights and you stood in the fridge hoping the air would cool you down slightly. 

“We just have wine, and some of Poe’s beers.” 

“What would you like to taste?” He asked, his voice seeming deeper than it was before and you swallowed nervously. 

“Ok,” you whispered, dragging a bottle of beer out of the fridge. You cracked the top with your teeth creating the hiss as the seal was broken and handed the bottle to Ben who was suddenly before you. 

“M’kay that was hot,” he murmured and you smiled bashfully at the floor. 

“It's a habit, sorry.”

“No, don’t do that,” he rumbled, catching your chin and making you swoon slightly as he made you look up at him. “Someone did a number on you didn’t they?” 

“Life in general has been pretty shitty the last couple of years,” you confessed quietly. Ben still had hold of your chin as he swigged out of the bottle, keeping eye contact with you, his thumb sweeping over your lip as you nibbled gently at it. You watched him swallow and roll his lips against his teeth before swooping down to kiss you again. The tanginess of the beer still lingered in his mouth and you moaned against him, chasing the taste. His lips started off cold, a sensation you wanted to experience elsewhere on your body. The contents of the fridge jingled as he rocked you back into it, his hand holding onto the top as just his lips worked their magic on your own.

A shiver ran down your spine, an intoxicating thrill that you hadn’t felt in years and it made your body desperate for more. He must have put the bottle down because his cool moist fingers were at your throat, trailing a line of cold fire across your clavicle, running them gently over your breast making you gasp in pleasurable surprise. Your whole body felt like it was overly sensitive, the rush of your blood warmed you right down to your curling toes. He grabbed your thigh, his fingertips working their way through the slit in your dress as his lips kissed and nibbled their way down the soft skin of your neck. He worked your legs apart, a quiet rumble emitted from his chest when he swiped two fingers along the damp seam of your underwear. 

“Is this all for me?” He whispered into the curve of your neck, his warm breath ghosted over the delicate skin under your ear and all you could do was nod. You felt him pull them aside, his body leaning over you, his eyes watching your reaction. 

You were wet, almost embarrassingly so but from the little huff against your cheek he liked that. Your body tensed when he slowly entered you and he paused but you pulled on his shoulder urging him to carry on. So he added another finger and you couldn’t stop the rich lustful groan that rose out of your chest as you clung to him. 

“You like that huh?” You couldn’t speak, all words had abandoned you as pleasure wove its way through your body, making your legs tremble, the grip on his arm intensified and your mouth fell open as you curled into him, shamelessly grinding against his large hand. His thumb flicked over your clit making you pant in need. You felt like you were sweating, the heat racing beneath your skin as you swooned, making you absolute putty in his hands. “Look at me,” he whispered in this deep voice, his hand coming down to rest against the side of your face and your eyes fluttered at him. You were close, his motions were smooth and relentless as he brought you to a precipice you hadn’t visited in so long. 

“Ben,” you breathed and he grinned a wide toothy grin. 

“I can’t wait to hear you scream that,” he commented before slotting his lips fiercely over yours. He curled his fingers one last time, ripping the orgasm from your body as he swallowed all the desperate cries you gave him. 

Your chest heaved as you tried to breathe normally, your eyes locking with his and you gave him a lopsided smile, watching him lick his fingers clean and you thought that was the hottest thing you’d ever seen a man do. You were still leaning against the fridge, your entire body thrumming with the echoes of bliss that still flooded you. He stepped away from you, his eyes dark with lust and you already knew you wanted more. 

“Here’s my number,” he said, grabbing a pen and scribbling on a piece of paper. He went to hand the paper to you but when you reached for it he snatched it away. “Warrants another kiss I think,” he whispered and you gladly complied. When he backed away to grab his coat you tried to move but your body was a little shaky still. 

“You’re leaving.” 

“It’s late and I need to get home. I need to be at the bar for a delivery tomorrow…ah this morning,” he corrected himself looking at his watch. “Trust me,” he mumurmed leaning down to capture you in another kiss. “I don’t,” he kissed you again. “Want to.” You led him down the stairs to your front door, opening it and standing to the side so he had to squeeze past you. He looked down the street before grabbing your face with both hands and snatching another kiss from you, one that left you breathless. “Now I really have to go. Call me.” He paused on the street doing up the buttons on his coat and you leaned against the door watching him. “Mr Hux,” he stated loudly in his deep voice, making you straighten up with horror. 

“You’re still here,” your ex husband sneered. His skin was pink with cold and you saw his leather gloves clench in annoyance. 

“I was just leaving, now she’s in good hands. Goodnight,” he cast a cheeky wink at you before striding confidently off and shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Well I came to make sure you got home ok, but it seems I didn’t need to. You weren’t answering your phone.” He cast a sharp look at you, taking in your barefooted appearance and you hoped your lips didn't look as kiss swollen as they felt. 

“You should come in, it’s freezing,” you offered scurrying back up the stairs and wishing you’d been to the toilet. He followed slower, dragging off his gloves and unwrapping the scarf that had been tucked into his coat. “I assumed you’d be asleep or whatever by now,” you started tidying the kitchen only to turn and see Hux lift the barely drunk out of, beer bottle, an unreadable expression on his face. 

“I couldn’t sleep knowing you might be here alone struggling with those two,” he commented sharply, shooting a glimpse at the closed bedroom door. 

“Yeah well Ben and I had it handled. He was very helpful.” You saw him bristle at the comment and readied yourself for an argument but all he did was move to empty the bottle into the sink next to you before placing it on the draining board. The silence was oppressive and you were sure he knew, Armitage could read you like a book and he had seen your post orgasmic face more times than you could count. You hated it, the guilt you felt was so strong you had to swallow down an apology and remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. 

“Do you want me to bring anything for Christmas Day?” He asked quietly and your brain scrambled to come up with a response. 

“Oh…um…we don’t have a turkey…”

“Shall I provide the food? All the food?” You looked up at him. 

“Oh Armitage, you don’t have to,” knowing exactly what he was offering. He refused to look at you as he studied the side of the now empty bottle. 

“Consider it done,” he murmured. “I want this Christmas to be as relaxing as possible for you.” 

“Thank you.” He sighed, pulling his gaze away and heading to the stairs. 

“No need to walk me out, I’ll message you details about the caterers and when they intend to deliver. Goodnight,” 

“Night.” Even long after the front door had closed you stood in the kitchen looking out at the sky with a cup of tea held tightly in your hands. You tried to stop the guilt, but it thundered through you making sleep an impossible task. At first, your thoughts revolved around Ben and the way he had made you feel but you’d only just met him and this wasn’t you. Or was it? Just because you’d been in a settled relationship for pretty much half your life meant you hadn’t had time to explore what you were really like. Neither of you had. You had both chosen each other and made promises that Hux had broken, promises that ripped new wounds every time you thought about them. You tried to reason with yourself, make excuses for the pair of you but really all that happened was you didn’t communicate and accept help. A violent tragedy had ripped your marriage down the middle and neither of you worked to save it. 

You clicked off the light and finally moved to your room hoping that if you lay down maybe sleep would come. Maybe.

Chapter Text

“Holy shit, did he rob a supermarket?” Whispered Poe as more and more food made it up the stairs of your flat. You knelt with Poe on the sofa, arms resting on the back watching Kat directing them in where to put it all. 

“I didn’t even know they delivered on Christmas Day,” you whispered back, your eyes drawn to Armitage as he came up the stairs last. 

“Throw enough money at anyone and they will do anything,” he tossed at the pair of you removing his coat. You cocked an eyebrow at his comment and got off the sofa snatching a tray of sausage rolls. 

“Hey you can’t….” Started Kat but you glared at her and her words melted to nothing. “Yeah ok, you eat them.” You grinned happily and sauntered back to the sofa with your prize. “Well seeing as we’re all here now shall we do presents?” She asked, handing Hux a glass of wine and Poe a beer. 

“Sure, I’ll hand them out,” you offered, sliding to your knees next to the tree. You rubbed your belly a little wincing from a soft twinge and Hux was beside you straight away. 

“You should sit on the sofa,” he murmured, helping you up. 

“I am pregnant, not an invalid!” You told him with a slight huff but let him help you up anyway. 

“Oh I know, you’re one of the most capable women I've met.” You looked up into his eyes seeing a soft smile on his face as he regarded you. “You amaze me everyday,” he said softly. You offered him a quick smile hating the way you adored the stubble that littered his jawline and the way his hair dropped gently down the side of his brow. The way he was looking at you made your heartbeat trip and you were fully aware of the feel of his hand felt on your arm. 

“Yeah well, I am just that amazing,” you said, hoping to break the intensity of the moment. 

“You sure are! Sit down mumma we got this!” Exclaimed Poe with a wink and Hux released you finally. Kat handed you a drink of grenadine and lemonade before they too gathered around the tree. 

It was like stepping back in time, your best friends all gathered around you for Christmas, drinking, eating, exchanging gifts. You had to excuse yourself at one point and stick your face in the fridge trying to get rid of the storming emotions that crashed inside you. 

“Hux is looking for a film,” said Kat right at your elbow and you jumped slightly. “You ok?” She whispered seeing the tears shining on your cheeks. 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

“No, what's wrong?” 

“It just feels the same,” you confessed quietly. “All of us together it just feels….like nothing has changed and yet everything is different.” She rubbed a hand up your back. “I couldn’t tell him not to come, he has no one else and we’re still friends,” you turned to her. “We’re still friends right?” 

“Yeah you are. He’s stepping up more than I thought he would,” she murmured in reply. “Are you…do you think this is him coming back to you?” You shook your head. 

“No, he doesn’t want me. Plus….something might have happened between me and Ben.” 

“What?” Whispered Kat in your ear. 

“Why are you two in the fridge?” Called Poe and you slammed the door shut.

“Nothing!”

“No reason!” You replied on chorus, Kat’s hand steered you to the sink and you both began to unwrap more food. 

“Tell me everything!” She breathed. In hushed tones you told her how he helped get them home the night of the work party only to stay for a bit and have a drink, of sorts. 

“And Hux saw??” 

“He didn’t see anything, well I don’t think so…. oh god.”

“What? What?” She hissed. 

“Ben kissed me against the front door, he must have seen Armitage coming up the street and he kissed me anyway and Armitage must have seen…oh shit. Oh fuck…” you leaned heavily on the counter top trying not to give in to the worry that clouded you. “He knows…”

“So what if he does? This is good! How was it?” You couldn’t stop the smile that spread over your face and she nudged your shoulder with her own. “You get it girl! Oh look out.” 

“You ok over here?” Asked Hux as he brought over the bottle of scotch you had got him as a gift. 

“Mmmhmmm just hungry,” you said dismissively. 

“Can I have a glass?” Kat slipped away no doubt going to whisper everything you'd just told her to Poe. 

“Oh sure,” you replied, reaching up for a tumbler and passing it to him. You both stood in companionable silence as he poured the amber liquid into his glass. “Did I get the right one?” You asked. 

“Yes you did. My favourite no less. Can’t believe you remembered.” He replied, shoving a hand in his pocket and facing back towards the tv but leaning against the counter next to you. “Is the food good?” You nodded vehemently, pointing to your mouth full of food and he smiled a little. 

“What film did you put on?” You asked him after swallowing. 

“Your favourite,” he replied, looking down into his glass as he swilled it slightly. 

“Christmas Chronicles? First or second?” He rolled his green eyes in an exaggerated way pulling a giggle from you. 

“First obviously, the second is nowhere near as good.” 

“You do listen to what I say then.” He shrugged and you playfully rocked into him so he had to steady himself against the counter. “Come on let’s go and watch this film,” you suggested and he followed you to the sofa. Poe and Kat got up and you made a face at them knowing they were talking about you. 

You noticed Hux looked at his glass more than he did the film, his long fingers running round the rim as his mind was clearly elsewhere. You heard a giggle from the kitchen making you turn to see Poe with his hands on Kat’s hips as she fed him something and you rolled your eyes. This could get awkward really fast. You sneaked another look at Hux but his gaze was fixed on the screen now as though he was trying to tune out what was happening in the kitchen. 

Picking up your phone you quickly typed out a Merry Christmas message that you sent out to various people, your thumb hovered Ben’s name before adding him to the list. You’d been texting almost everyday since he was here, but he’d been working so much in the run up to Christmas it was only a few messages a day. You slid it back onto the coffee table and settled on the sofa against the cushions. 

Your phone beeped and you absently reached for it, a smile creeping across your face at the name on your screen. 

I hope you’re having a better day than me! The thought of seeing you again soon is keeping me going. Merry Christmas 

Ben x

You quickly typed back a response before going back to watch the Christmas film. The reply was swift and you saw Hux look over and sigh when your phone went off again. 

Just Mum moaning at me. Being an only child sucks sometimes because she doesn’t focus her attention on anyone else. Pretty sure Dad tuned her out years ago. 

What are you up to?

Ben x

You didn’t miss the movement from Hux as he adjusted the way he was sitting while you read the text. You told Ben you were watching a film and that Kat and Poe were making things slightly awkward being all coupley. 

Oh shit. That is awkward! I’m sorry I can’t be there to give them something to compete against ;) you have no idea how often I think of you against that fridge….

“Who are you texting?” You looked up instantly feeling the heat creeping under your skin from the stare that Hux was giving you. 

“Oh no one,” you lied automatically. You don’t know why, you had nothing to hide. You were a divorced woman with no attachments. What did it matter to your ex of all people, who you were texting? You leaned forward to reach for your drink but Hux’s irritation made your skin prickle. Your phone went off again and Hux slammed his empty glass down on the table making you jump a little.

“It's a bit rude to be on your phone when we’re supposed to be celebrating the last Christmas before the baby comes, don’t you think?” 

“What is your problem?” You asked loudly.

“It’s not me that has the problem…”

“Well clearly it is or you wouldn’t have brought it up. I’m texting Ben. Is that alright with you? Would you like to read them?” You shouted, waving your phone in his direction. 

“I don’t think I want to see what you’ve been up to with that man.” He snarkily replied getting off the sofa as though to distance himself from you. 

“Up to? Like what you’ve been up to with Phasma? ” You replied haughtily following his lead. Hux turned, his fist clenching in your direction as his jaw worked in anger. You had seen this anger from him before and you raised your chin defiantly as though challenging him to reply.

“Did he enjoy fucking you knowing you’re pregnant with my child?” Hux snarled, his eyes almost flashing unbridled rage, the venom of it cracked the air like a whip and you felt your own anger rising to match.

“I can fuck whoever I like we’re divorced remember?!” You shouted. “When was the first time you went to Phasma anyway? After the divorce papers?” You frowned trying to gauge his sudden muted reaction. “No. Before? Yeah definitely before….” Hux couldn’t hide the guilty look on his face and you knew you didn’t want to delve any deeper, but you couldn’t stop. “Before that?” you whispered your anger melting away into dread. “Not….not after Albie…” your breath caught and you nearly couldn’t continue as the sadness crushed your lungs in your chest. “The day you didn’t come home after the cremation. The night I left….” He cursed softly and you felt like someone had just slapped you across the face. “You found comfort in the arms of another woman while I was falling apart?” You asked, barely holding back the emotion that clogged your throat. 

“You were a zombie! I couldn’t even get you to eat,” he responded as though that excused his actions.

“I was dying!” You yelled. “My heart had been removed from my body and you… ” you couldn’t even bring yourself to say the words and you leaned heavily against the sofa. Kat was suddenly next to you, putting her hands on your shoulders, throwing Hux a dirty stare that he ignored. 

“I didn't know where to go or-or who to talk to and she was just there ,” he finished quietly. Your mind reeled from the depth of his confession, his words burying right into your very centre and expanding abruptly as understanding rippled through you.

“Just there….get out.” You whispered. 

“No, we need to talk about this!” He demanded forcefully. 

“Get him out. Get Out! GET OUT!” You screamed. Poe blocked Hux from your view.

“Come on, don’t make this worse,” he murmured, holding Hux’s arm. Armitage yanked it free from Poe seeing he couldn’t get to you with Poe and Kat in the way and his face screwed up in pure anguish. 

“I am not done with this conversation!” He snarled, the venom of his frustration lacing his tone. 

“You are. Come on.” For one breathtaking second you thought Hux was going to punch Poe, his entire body seemed to tighten, his hands fisting aggressively at his sides before he thought better of it. He cast one last glowering look at you holding onto the sofa for dear life before he turned, the front door slamming loudly behind him. 

The drive to Mr Dameron’s was quiet, Kat had insisted you come and Poe agreed not to leave you, they even offered not to go but you knew how much Kes enjoyed seeing his son at this time of year. So you tagged along in the back of the car replaying the moment you realised Hux had cheated on you. You hated how he still was able to open these fresh wounds inside you, still ripping you apart like the pages of a book and discarding you into the fire. The amount of times you thought this baby would bring you closer together was stupid, idiotic really. You were just hurting yourself over and over again and it was time to move on. 

After a few hours Poe finally pulled up the driveway and you opened the door seeing a couple of extra cars in the gathering dusk. 

“Is this a party?” You asked Kat as you wiggled some feeling back into your legs. 

“I don’t know,” she replied. The pair of you followed Poe into the house hearing a chorus of joyous greetings. Kes greeted you all, giving Kat an extra squeeze and he smiled kindly at you, clutching your hands in a fatherly way. 

“So good to see you,” he murmured, giving you a kiss on the cheek. 

“Hi Kes,” you replied, returning his smile. You looked up to see a couple of people you didn’t know and one you did. “Ben?” He spread his arms wide almost sweeping Kat out of the way as he enveloped you in a bear hug. 

“Here I was thinking I was going to be a spare wheel!” He exclaimed loudly and you giggled. 

“Well I wasn't going to come but these two persuaded me,” you said, making a face at Kat as she peered over Poe’s shoulder at you both. “How do you know the Damerons?” 

“My parents, Han and Leia. We lived next door to them but moved when I was around 6. They stayed in touch. I saw Poe at your Christmas party but I decided not to say anything. Plus we kinda fell out,” he mumbled under his breath turning his face to whisper in your ear. 

“Oh? I smell gossip!” He shrugged. 

“It was stupid really. Let’s not talk about it now!” He said, hitching his toothy smile back up and dazzling you with his dimples. “I didn’t think you guys were coming until Boxing Day?” 

“Well that was the original plan for them but it all kicked off at ours with Armitage. He asked me if you enjoyed fucking me while I had his baby inside me,” you muttered.

“What? ” His shout pulled everyone’s attention to the pair of you. “Er, don’t mind us!” He said into the silence nudging you towards the kitchen. “Let’s get drinks,” he suggested, pulling an awkward face. “Ok,” he said, pouring you some lemonade. “Explain.” You told him everything that was exchanged in a rush, you avoided mentioning Albie, you weren’t ready to have that conversation with him. He listened attentively, his dark honeyed eyes never leaving your face as his brow pinched with annoyance. 

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, wiping some stray tears from your face. “Today was supposed to be nice, you know? Before the baby came. And he ruined it.” 

“Hey, never apologise for feeling,” he reassured you, sliding his hand across the table to hold yours, making you smile gratefully up at him. 

“Did not expect to see you here!” Kat’s voice broke the moment you and she came in dragging Poe after her. 

“Ben,” Poe greeted him stiffly, his eyes flicking to you as he came to the same realisation that this was the Ben Kat had told him about earlier today. “ This Ben?” He asked you, pointing at the man sitting at the table. 

“Oh god, I am so sorry!” Your eyes widening because it became evident you’d been discussing what happened but Ben just sat back in his chair with a smug smile on his face.

“Been talking about me I see. All good things I hope.” 

“Remains to be seen,” replied Kat as she sat at the table with you both. 

“Oh wow, let’s not do it today ok?” You asked, hanging your head in your hands wishing today was over already. Thankfully Kes chose that moment to appear and usher you all back into the living room. You said hello to Ben’s parents, his dad Han offering you his seat and Leia instantly engaged you in conversation for half the night. A rather hilarious drunken game of charades happened until everyone began to drift off to bed. You stepped outside, taking a moment to stare up at the stars when a coat was slipped over your shoulders and you looked up to see Ben, his manly scent rising up from the fabric. 

“You really should buy a coat and stop stealing mine,” he said suddenly and you laughed. 

“Stop giving it to me then,” you replied letting him bundle you up. 

“But you look so good in it.” The light from the living room shone on his face, his eyes roaming quickly over your face. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you since the last time I kissed you,” he whispered, shuffling closer. 

“That implies you’ve been thinking about me since then,” you whispered. 

“Mmmm. It does, doesn't it?” His face hovered over yours, his hands slid up your upper arms to curl over your shoulders and trail firmly down your back. He pulled you to him, his lips soft and he tasted like whiskey. You melted against him, your fingers coming out of the coat to grip onto the open collar of his shirt. The weight of the day fell away from you when his tongue licked into your mouth, all conscious thought abandoned you and all you could do was moan softly into his mouth. He broke the kiss off to press soft pecks against your cheek, enveloping you deeply into his bear-like embrace. “You know everyone has gone to bed and it’s just us?” He whispered in your ear, his lips delicately brushing against you making goosebumps erupt down your arms and you nibbled your lower lip. 

“Just us?” You repeated. “How will we entertain ourselves?” He pulled the lobe of your ear into his mouth, gently sucking it knowing he was slowly driving you crazy as your hands dived into his lush raven coloured locks. 

“I’ve got an idea,” he rumbled. 

“What’s that?” You breathed, your words ghosting against his cheek and you swear you felt him shiver. 

“It’s better if I show you,” you giggled softly when he grabbed your hand and led you into the living room. He clicked the light off plunging you into darkness and you both froze, taking a moment to listen to how silent the house was. His hands worked under the fabric of his coat, letting it fall quietly to the floor as his fingers trailed their way up the column of your neck so he could hold your chin and kiss you again. He walked backwards on the sofa, perching himself on the arm as he deepened the kiss. You could feel the need to have him touch your race under your skin and you pressed yourself between his open legs. “God I want you,” he whispered. 

“Bit soon for that, don't you think?” 

“Yes, but it doesn’t stop me wanting you.” You bit back a moan, you wanted nothing more than to throw caution to the wind but there was that doubt in your mind. A risk you shouldn’t even contemplate taking. 

“So what does that leave?” You asked with a sultry whisper, leaning forward to suck on his bottom lip dragging a deep rumble from his chest. His hand snatched at your wrist, slowly guiding it up his thigh to his crotch and you inhaled sharply feeling how hard he was through his trousers already. 

“Do what you want to me,” he almost begged. You felt along the seam, noticing the tenseness of his legs and you grinned into the darkness. You drifted your nose across his face, enjoying the little puffs of breath that fell from him as you continued to explore him. 

“Are you sure you want me to?” 

“Yes,” he answered in a rush, his hands squeezing the flesh of your thighs. You popped the top button and he inhaled abruptly. You liked this, Hux never really used to let you have control so you felt like you were doing this blind. He sat up slightly pulling his trousers down to give you easy access and you finally got brave enough to slip your hand into his pants. 

You closed your eyes at the silky feel of his cock in your hands, he was so warm and hard. You fisted your hand around him, his own hands running all over your body as he leaned to nibble on your neck. You swiped a thumb over his weeping tip and he huffed against you, a tremor shivering down his legs. Your fingertips felt every part of him, the vein along the underside, every bump and ridge to the tautness of his balls and he moaned softly against your clavicle. “Damn your hands are feeling so damn good.” His hands hooked around your legs, moving you to settle on the hardness of his thigh and you gasped a little as he jerked your hips creating the perfect amount of friction on your clit. Your hand quickened the pace, dragging up and down his shaft, covering the spongy head of his cock and back down. His hands left your body, cupping your face he kissed you hard, both your breaths expelling in short puffs. He raised his thigh slightly, applying more pressure between your legs and you shamelessly rocked your body. You were wet, you could feel it seeping through the thin material of your underwear and leggings. “Umphff, don’t stop,” he gasped. You felt him throb in your hand, twitching as he leaked some more precum over your hand and you moaned against him, pressing your face into his neck as you desperately rode his thigh. You put all your weight on one foot, letting your other leg hang loosely over his so you could rock harder against him, his hand back on your hip helping you keep up the rhythm. 

“M’magod Ben,” you mumbled, losing yourself to the feeling of intense pleasure that blossomed up from inside you. 

“Keep going baby, you feel so good,” he whispered. Your hand faltered in its motions and you felt him wrap his fingers around yours to move your hand to the right tempo. “Oh shit,” he rumbled, grunting quietly and he buried his face into your neck. His whole body tensed, jolting against as he came in your hand. Feeling his warm spend spill over your fingers had you aching and your hand tensed unconsciously around his now overly sensitive cock making his shudder in response. “Damn girl,” he groaned. “You close?” You nodded, rubbing your wet slit heavily against his thick thigh. “Let me help you,” he whispered. He inserted his hand between your body and his and immediately the pleasure increased. 

“Oh… oh!” The roughness of his fingers right where you needed it had you throwing your head back, your hips rolling, chasing that release you needed. “I’m…” you inhaled sharply, feeling the coil snap deep in your lower belly, bliss flooding your body and a cry spilled from you before Ben could stop it with his own lips. You convulsed in pleasure against him, gasped wildly into his mouth as you rode out the waves that rippled through you until your motions finally stopped. 

“Ok, that was fucking sexy,” he whispered kissing your face. “You ok?” 

“Yeah, mmm. Yes.” You both stayed there for a moment breathing heavily. 

“I don’t think anyone heard us,” he said quietly and you sniggered. 

“Was I loud?” 

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” he replied cockily. “We should…” 

“Yes we should,” you agreed, sliding yourself off his leg. You went from pure memory, having stayed most of your childhood and teenage years in this house you guided him to the downstairs bathroom, both of you whispering and trying not to wake anyone up. You went into the kitchen to grab some water, liking the way he came up behind you pulling you into his chest. 

“So, do you know where we’re sleeping?” You asked as he rested his head on your shoulder. 

“Well I know as soon Poe told Kes you were coming there was a massive shift around and somehow you ended up with the biggest bed and I got shoved into the small single box room.” 

“Is that so? Just proves that I’m Kes’ favourite,” you let out a little squeal as he growled into your neck. “If I was a nice person I’d say you could share because I bet your 6ft something arse would not fit in that 5ft9 bed.”

“6ft3,” he mumbled. “You’d let me share?” 

“Only!” You stated firmly as you turned in his embrace. “No funny business. We sleep. That’s it.” He jutted his chin out slightly trying to challenge your steely glare but you never backed down. 

“Alright. Can we spoon at least?” He asked quickly. “Because you are so damn squishable.” 

“I kick. If you can handle that, you can handle anything,” you whispered, beginning to lead him upstairs. You knew exactly what room he was talking about, the one at the front of the house. It had always been your favourite as Shara had put a window seat in the bay and you always sat there reading or something. You always got a sense of nostalgia coming here, every time you made the promise to visit more often and you never did. Sometimes it was just too painful, Shara and Kes had been like parents to you after your own mother died. Your father….well you didn’t talk about him. 

You and Ben took turns in the ensuite before both slipping under the covers. You’d never shared a bed with another man before, Poe didn’t count and Armitage had been the only man you’d ever really been with so this was new and you didn’t really know where to put yourself so you rolled over to your side facing the window. Ben was hesitant, shuffling across the bed to slot himself behind you, the heat from his bare chest bleeding through your pyjamas but it felt cosy and new. His hand slipped over your body entwining his fingers with yours before you both slipped into a deep sleep.

Chapter Text

It was biting cold outside, the wind was light but still bracing meaning the air of the coffee shop was almost too warm and you had to shed your layers as quickly as possible. It was a couple of days before New Year, the week where time and space blended together and no one knew what day it was. You did though, it was a Wednesday and you were meeting your ex-husband for coffee and a talk. You were 27 weeks pregnant, your bump seemed to have grown overnight but you adored it. You’d never been this pregnant before and it amazed you everyday even if it was tainted by sadness. 

You ordered coffee and a piece of tiffin before finding a small table near the back where hopefully you wouldn’t be disturbed so much. You stirred your coffee trying to breathe evenly through the slight panic you felt clawing at your mind. The last time you’d seen him you were screaming at him to get out after he’d cleaved your soul in two with the revelation that he had turned to Phasma before you’d even called time on your marriage. It made your stomach flip at the thought that he’d been flitting between you both the whole time you were working so hard to fix things, maybe it was a turn of fate that you ended up pregnant and not her. 

A cup of coffee being set down gently next to yours made you look up and you smiled a little as he bent down to hesitantly kiss your cheek, you accepted the silent apology. 

Neither of you said anything clearly not knowing where to start so you watched him take off his coat and scarf setting them neatly on the back of his chair. He looked tired but he was in a shirt and trousers like always, he had stubble along his jaw and his bright ginger hair was soft as he ran a hand through it. 

“I was surprised to hear from you,” he finally said. 

“I felt we needed to talk.” He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee, his eyes looking at everything except you. “Can we do this without blowing up?” You asked. 

“I think we agreed to be functioning adults, did we not?” He replied, now finally meeting your gaze. 

“We did,” you agreed.

“So where do you want to start?” You cut a piece off your tiffin as you thought. Going over his confession at Christmas was pointless, reliving that hurt would do neither of you any good. 

“When….when we were trying to make it work after I came back. Was she still in the picture?” 

“We kept in contact but I wanted our marriage to work too, so I called it off with her completely. She wasn’t happy.” You raised an eyebrow. 

“No, I can imagine not. So when we were…together you weren’t…?” You felt awkward, suddenly aware of how close the other tables were to you even though everyone was concentrating on their own conversations. 

“No.” You nodded, pushing around the piece of tiffin around on the plate. 

“Why did you divorce me if you wanted the marriage to work?” He sighed and wrapped his hand around the mug, shifting in his seat as he leaned on the table. 

“Because, because it haunted me how much I fucked up,” he told you quietly. “We were broken, I couldn’t get over what I’d done, how I reacted.” He shrugged a little and you felt his leg jig nervously under the table. 

“We were both at fault. But you hurt me, Armitage.” 

“It’s why you were better off without me. Are better off.” 

“You don’t get to decide that,” you responded quickly but his nose crinkled slightly with his discomfort and he sat back in his seat once again looking at everything except you. 

“We don’t fit together anymore.” The noise of the coffee shop filled the space between you, the clinking of cups, the hubbub of conversation, the hiss of the milk frother all stopping the words that needed to be spoken. 

“But we can be parents.” You decided to say, not wanting to fight over the tatters of your marriage once again. 

“Yes. That’s all I want, so I have an offer for you.”

“Unless it comes with a copious amount of mince pies I am not interested,” you replied with a smirk finally pulling a small smile from him. 

“I want you to move in with me, you and the baby. I want to support you and this is the best way I know how plus I can be there on hand anytime you need me.” You sat back in your seat reeling slightly from his suggestion. You instantly had to calm your racing heart, this wasn’t what your brain took it for, a second chance. This was him offering to support you and Armitage always dived in with both feet. 

“Are you sure about this? Us together in your flat, our flat?” 

“I thought it would be a comfort to you.” He was right it would, but also memories would resurface and you weren’t sure how you were going to cope with them. 

“Can I think about it?” You asked quietly not wanting to seem rude and shove the offer back at him. 

“I expected you to. It’s a huge decision for both of us and I want you to be sure. Really sure.” You nodded, focusing on cutting off another piece of your tiffin which he stole with his long fingers and popped it into his mouth with a mischievous look in his eyes which quickly turned to disgust and you laughed at his expense. 

“That will teach you to steal my cake!” 

“That is not cake!” He exclaimed, pointing to the plate. “What is that?” 

“Tiffin, chocolate, biscuit and raisins,” you told him with a wide grin, taking a piece for you.

“Raisins are the devil's food,” he muttered while taking a big sip of coffee. You drained your mug putting it back on the saucer knowing right now there was nothing else that could be said. “Want me to walk you home?” He asked.

“It’s just round the corner,” you pointed out. 

“I know, I just…” you saw him shrug again. Something you’d never really known him to do. 

“Are you alright, Armitage?” His gaze swung to lock with yours and for a moment he looked like he wanted to speak but he just nodded and stood. 

“Come on, let’s get you home,” leaving no room for argument. You both wrapped up and Hux forged a path through the throng of people at the counter, staring down anyone who even attempted to get in your way. Finally you made it through, shivering slightly as the warmth of being indoors was blasted away by the icy chill outside. You both walked in silence, hands in pockets as you tried to ward off the cold until you reached your front door. 

“What are you doing for the New Year?” You asked suddenly.

“Sit at home probably.” You eyed him thoughtfully before deciding. 

“Come to the party.” 

“You and Kat doing your firework party?” He asked and you nodded. 

“You should come, even if you can see the fireworks from your place our view is much better,” you commented with a slight smirk. 

“Are you sure?” 

“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure. I’ll see you in a few days?” 

“Yeah, yeah ok.” He backed up a few steps, pulling his hand out of his pocket to give you a little wave. You waved back grateful that even after everything he was still in your life. 

You sat on the edge of the bed, your makeup and hair done, your dress splayed around you in layers but all you were seeing was the text from Ben. 

Hi, sorry I can’t make it. One of the guys pulled a last minute sickie and I need to work the bar. It kills me I can’t be there to kiss you at midnight. 

Ben x 

You knew this could happen, he worked in a bar, a nice bar that would be packed for New Year so deep down you knew this would happen. You just wanted him there to….you weren’t sure. Maybe put a buffer between you and Hux? Your feelings were peaking and troughing more than you wanted, one day you hated him, the next you agreed with everything and enjoyed the even keel you were on. But the next day you’d cry and physically ache for him to touch you, hold you and claim you as his. It was a rollercoaster, one that Kat said would get easier to ride. 

You typed back a response, trying to keep it light hearted, letting him know you were fine with that before standing and adjusting your outfit. It was New Year, another new beginning, a fresh chapter to write your own story on the empty pages. A story just for you and your baby. 

You turned at the knock on your door seeing Kat poke her head round and give you a smile. 

“You look amazing. We have a problem.” 

“I love how you follow up a compliment with that. What’s wrong?” 

“Hux it trying to get in,” you jumped off the bed. 

“Oh god let him in!” You gasped. 

“You invited him?” She hissed as you shoved past making your way down the stairs as quickly as you could only to find Poe and Hux staring each other down in the doorway. 

“Poe! Let the man in!” 

“What?” He asked, turning to face you. “Him?”

“Yes Poe, him ! I invited him. I just…I forgot I’m sorry.” You didn’t miss the smug look Hux gave Poe as you pushed him gently out the way. “Go upstairs and get him a drink. Dameron,” you snapped his name making him finally look at you. “Go get him a glass of his scotch that he left here at Christmas.” You inwardly winced at the mention of Christmas and wished you’d checked your mouth before you spoke but you held your ground seeing your two best friends finally retreat. “I’m sorry,” you said to Hux this time. “It absolutely slipped my mind by the time I made it to the top of the stairs the other day,” you explained quickly. He followed you up to the flat, greeting some people he knew with a handshake and a quick smile. You took his coat and put it in Kat’s room with the rest before glaring at Poe as you grabbed the glass of scotch for your ex. 

“You know, baby brain is an actual condition.” You poured a glass of water and leaned against the counter. 

“Baby brain? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you scoffed. Hux gazed down at you as he took a sip of his drink. 

“I’m glad you didn’t throw this away,” he murmured. 

“Yeah well, it cost a lot,” you replied looking around your flat. “I didn’t think this year was going to end this way.” Hux frowned slightly as he waited for you to continue. “Think about where we were at the beginning of this year, we were still married. Not pregnant. And then all that shit happened in between and I just did not think my year was going to end, like this.” 

“How did you think it was going to end?” He asked softly and you felt emotion catch the breath in your throat. 

“I thought, I was going to be here alone,” you whispered. Shooting him a watery smile as you tried to keep your feelings in check. “Anyway,” you stated loudly, clearing your throat. “Have you seen the time? Kat!” You called over the chatter that filled your flat and she turned, her eyes widening and she smiled. 

“Guys it’s nearly time!! Let’s head outside!” She shouted loudly. Poe handed out the coats and you didn’t miss the look of dislike he cast over Hux, which Hux ignored as he helped you into your own coat and you stepped outside together. 

He was immediately drawn into conversation with some people from the office and you slipped away only to be accosted by Kat. 

“Next time can you tell us when you and the ginger make up please? You guys are giving me whiplash.” 

“I’m sorry! I just, it literally flew from my mind, we had a coffee the other day and he asked me to move in with him.” Kat froze, only her eyes studying your expression as she tried to read you. 

“And?” She probed you for an answer.

“Well, I haven’t given him an answer yet. I told him I’d think about it, but….I think I want to.” 

“Are you absolutely sure? And what about Ben?” You frowned slightly. 

“What’s Ben got to do with it?” She rolled her eyes in exasperation. 

“Don’t you think he’s going to have something to say about you moving in with another bloke? Your ex no less??” 

“I’m sure he’d be fine with it, plus we’re not even a thing! We’ve had our hands down each other's pants a couple of times and the rest has been text, I’m not even sure what to call it.” Kat's eyes darted up to look at someone behind you before she mumbled something about finding Poe and slipped into the crush of people that had filed out onto the roof garden. You turned to see Hux just behind you his expression slightly crestfallen but he was accosted by someone from the finance department and you took that opportunity to disappear into the crowd. 

You leaned against the wall, looking out over the river to the bridge and the Eye. A huge crowd had gathered along the water's edge and you smiled slightly. New Year in London was always something you enjoyed and you couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Kat got everyone’s attention and the countdown started down below.

You counted through with a smile, hand on your bump as you looked round at all your friends. 

10…

9…

You had thought this year would end so differently but for now everything was alright. There was a precarious balance in place that you didn’t want to disturb and you hoped nothing would. 

7…

6…

A hand touched your elbow and you turned, all you saw were your ex-husbands green eyes as his voice blended with yours. 

3…

2…

1…

Cheers erupted around you as everyone brought in the New Year with joyful noise. The fireworks exploded above your head but their captivating light went unnoticed by you. The corner of Hux’s mouth turned up, starting a slight smile as his arm encircled your waist, the colour changes flickering over his face. Your heart fluttered when his soft lips pressed against your cheek, time slowed and everything filtered away to background noise as you breathed him in. The warmth of his body was something you remembered well, so comforting and familiar and you felt yourself leaning into him. 

“Happy New Year,” he breathed against your ear. The tiny hairs all over your body rose in response to the brush of his words. 

The moment lingered between you, his head dipping slightly, his stubble ridden cheek brushing along your skin creating a subtle shiver to ripple down your spine. The emotions that rose to the surface were powerful, the desire to take his face in your hands and kiss him just like you used to was something you hadn’t felt in a while and it rocked you. 

Your body was blossoming, heat pooling through your limbs and creating a warmness that you were in no doubt he could feel. Your eyes magnetised to him, your breath catching at the feeling you saw swimming in the pale green depths, a flush starting at the tips of his ears giving away he was as affected as you. 

Someone clapped Hux on the back, the moment shattering like broken glass between you and a breath filled your lungs. Fireworks boomed overhead casting rich colours to cascade over the roof garden and everyone on it. You turned and weaved your way through the crush of people heading back inside. The sounds of the erupting fireworks were loud but nothing was as intense as the thundering of your heart in your chest. You couldn’t be feeling like this, not now, not when you’d just semi-found your feet with the whole situation. You closed your eyes and slammed your bedroom door fighting with your inner demons that threatened to overwhelm you. You began to pace, berating yourself under your breath at how stupid you were, it was a trick of the light, there’s no way he’d still feel for you. He had made that perfectly clear. 

The feeling of panic increased when your bedroom door opened and he entered, his hand on the door knob as he watched you. 

“I just need a moment,” you said far more sharply than you’d intended. 

“Are you ok? Is it the baby?” He asked full of concern as he shut the door. 

“No, I’m fine,” but he came towards you. “Armitage, please don’t touch me!” You breathed, backing into the corner of your room and he stopped. You knew right in this moment if he touched you it would be the end, both your barriers would crumble and something would happen that one of you did not want. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Please, I just need a moment.”

“You can talk to me, I’m your friend.” You couldn’t do this, not with the feelings that tingled to the very tips of your fingers but he sat down on your bed anyway. 

“I can’t.” You hoped Kat would come in looking for you, or Poe, just anyone, but no one came. The fireworks were still going, loud bangs and whistles followed by a flash of colour through your window.

“Why not?”

“Because I wouldn’t call us friends exactly,” you said in a rush and he sat up straighter, fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. 

“When did you decide we weren’t friends anymore?” he asked with a frown. 

“Maybe it’s too soon, you’re just here all the time….”

“You invited me,” he pointed out. “Is this about Christmas?”

“No…yes? I don’t…know,” you moaned, feeling yourself unravelling.

“Because I thought we got past that,” he replied haughtily and you could feel your frustration building in your chest. 

“I only just found out! You may have made peace with it long ago but I am still reeling!”

“Even when you have another man’s hands down your pants? Yeah, you’re really struggling,” he said full snark and you swallowed down that bubble of emotion in your throat.

“Armitage! You cannot throw that at me when you did what you—you did!” He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. 

“I don’t know how many times I have to be punished for that!” 

“As many as it takes!!” You almost screamed, stepping towards him, your fists balling as you dug your nails into your palms. You didn't notice at first the tightening in your belly, the way it shimmered over your bump like a wave until it hit deep inside you. “Oh—” you softly exclaimed and the atmosphere changed instantly between you. 

“Sit down,” he murmured, leaping up to guide you to the bed. You tried to brush him off, to tell him you were ok even as another tremor hit you making a wince cross your face. “Do you need a doctor?” He asked but you shook your head. 

“No, it’s nothing to worry about but the consultant told me to avoid stress. I guess I haven’t been listening to that one,” you groaned. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have…stayed away or let you work from home. Let someone else deal with the Christmas party!”

“Armitage…” you tried to get his attention but he was still talking as he knelt down to take your shoes off for you.

“I am sorry, just for everything. I knew I should have come with you to that appointment. I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldn’t have sprung the whole moving thing on you…”

“Armitage!” You said loudly, winding your fingers into his hair and pulling his head back to look at you. “I am fine.” Your fingers unwound from his soft hair, trying to ignore the way his eyes blew wide at the sudden contact. “I just need a lie down and some more water.” Flexing your toes you tried to ignore the concern on his face before he rushed off to get you the water. The constant flashes of the fireworks and the deep boom on the finale exploded through your bedroom, the insides of your bump lurched slightly and you placed a comforting hand on your bump. 

“Did that make you jump?” You murmured. 

“Can she hear us?” He’d returned, gently setting the water down on your bedside table. 

“Well I assume so, the boom from the fireworks made her shift suddenly,” you winced. Changing position on the bed hoping that Hux would leave now you were comfortable but he didn’t. 

“Can I…?” He gestured to the space next to you and even though every fibre of your being was telling you no you nodded and he settled down next to you, his arm draped over your shoulders pulling you to lay on his chest. God he smelled amazing, his chest was warm against your cheek and almost instantly you felt yourself sinking into a comfortable doze. His fingers ghosted over your forehead but you felt heavy and bogged down so you weren’t able to respond or tell him not to. Next he shifted and gently placed a kiss on the top of your head, your fingers curling in the material of his shirt before you remembered nothing else. 

Chapter Text

Everything was so small, the tiny body suits that looked like they could fit in your hand with very tiny feet. If you could you would buy one of everything, but you were here for nursery furniture and a buggy today. Putting the bodysuit back with a sigh you headed over to the furniture section looking at all the different sets but not seeing the one that matched the cot Hux already had. 

You ran your hand over the edge of a cot, your fingers curling around the bar as your belly tightened slightly and you silently rode out the fake contraction hoping no one was watching. 

“I am so sorry I’m late,” a voice said behind you making your eyes snap open in shock. “You ok?” Hux asked. 

“Yes yes I’m fine. I can’t find the set that matches the cot you have already.” 

“Well then we’ll buy a new set.” Your teeth ground together at his obvious disregard for the cot he bought all those months ago. Maybe it was a painful reminder for him, you tried not to let it bother you but you really wanted the new baby in that particular cot. 

“Can you remember what the set was called?”

“I just saw a cot that was similar to Albie’s and bought it. Wait, they have names?” His nose wrinkled in disbelief and you felt yourself smiling at his reaction. 

“I just really want to use that cot.” He looked at you, his gaze softening slightly as he took in how you were feeling. 

“I know you want to. Does the furniture have to match?” Your face fell and horror dawned in his eyes as hot tears flooded your eyes. 

“I want her to have the same treatment Albie had! His furniture was all matching, he had ornaments and letters that spelled out his name, that teddy bear he had—he had blankets and personalised clothes and I’ve done NOTHING!” Your voice carried loudly in the high ceilinged shop and you saw a member of staff glance over in your direction before busying themselves with tidying the shelves again. 

“Then we will buy a new set.” 

“I don’t want a new set! I want the set that Albie had!” Some part of you was telling you to calm down, you were being a child and there was no way this baby could have the set that Albie had and yet, you couldn’t stop. Maybe you wanted to hurt him in any way you could, reminding him of what he did at the height of his grief or maybe really, you were just an emotional irrational mess. Hux shifted awkwardly next to you and your words replayed over in your mind now bringing shame to you. “I’m sorry. I’m being overly emotional for no reason,” you whispered, wiping the spilled tears off your cheeks. “This set is nice,” you said, gesturing to the one you’d been using to steady yourself. 

“I thought you wanted white?” Hux asked you, his words hesitant in case he upset you again. 

“I do.”

“Well it’s…this one is dark wood,” he pointed out quietly. 

“Oh,” a giggle bubbled up in your chest causing more tears to fill your eyes and you stifled the laughter with a hand over your mouth. “I’m sorry I think I’ve lost the plot!” You managed to gasp out. “I haven’t been sleeping much,” you suddenly confessed. 

“We can do this another day,” Hux offered but the thought made your blood run cold. 

“I’m 34 weeks, we can’t put it off anymore. We need furniture and we need a buggy. And clothes. Oh and a steriliser.” 

“I have already ordered a steriliser and bottles, a bouncer and some toys. Probably the only things I could order without your direct input.” You stared at him, hating the way your heart rate skipped into double time at how amazing he was being recently. 

“Oh, thank you Armitage I had no idea.” 

“Let’s look at buggies and we can come back to the furniture,” you slipped your arm into the crook of his elbow and allowed him to lead you to the back of the shop. 

An hour. You spent a whole hour pushing the buggies around the area changing your mind again and again, all the while he stood there holding your bag just letting you do your thing. You even pulled over a poor member of staff to talk you through what they all came with, popularity of particular models and to show you how they collapsed. Not once did Hux apologise for your behaviour in fact he supported it, wanting you to be thorough and sure in whatever you decided. 

“Do you have this model in stock?” You asked, pointing to the black Silver Cross you’d tried first. 

“No I don’t think so, I think we only have the display model at the moment,” the man replied and you felt yourself bristling when Hux stepped up behind you. 

“Don’t you think you should check out the back?” He asked pointedly and the man could barely hurry away quick enough. 

“I’m sorry I’m being so fussy.”

“No need to apologise, I’m just looking forward to going through all this in the furniture section next. Have you decided what poor member of staff you’re going to torment next?” You shot him a smirk, making a show of looking around and spying someone else. 

“Her,” you said pointing. “She looks crushable.” 

“Excellent,” replied Hux with a crafty smile and you giggled only to stop when the man came back looking sheepish. 

“I’m sorry ma’am but the only Silver Cross we have in stock is this one,” he spoke barely above a whisper as though waiting for you to explode. You looked over at the model he pointed to and blinked trying to register what he was saying. 

“But it’s £1,550??” You stated needlessly and he nodded, taking a step back. You turned on your heel and left, silently seething. You just wanted to leave here with a buggy you liked and that wasn’t going to obliterate your savings in one go. You heard Hux finally catch up to you, his hand trying to be comforting as he placed it on your back. 

“We could go somewhere else?” He suggested but you shook your head. 

“I wanted a nice buggy for her, one that I could afford. You’re already doing so much for us…”

“But I want to. And I can,” he stated firmly. “If you want that one…” 

“No, no, my savings can’t take it. I’ll have to see if I can find the cheaper model online. Anyway, furniture,” you said, hoping to change the subject.

The ride back to the flat was a familiar one, it was dark and gloomy today January blending into February the weather still cold and nasty with a hint of snow in the weather reports. But there was always the hint of snow this time of year, whether it fell or not was a whole other story. Hux pulled the Range Rover into his space and you slipped out, the closing doors echoing loudly in the car park. Silently he opened the boot and handed you the lightest bag taking the rest for himself refusing to let you help anymore. 

“I can carry another one?” 

“You’re already carrying enough precious cargo,” he replied and you grimaced. 

“That was an awful line.” You both stepped into the lift pushing the button for his floor. 

“It was, wasn't it?” You nodded glancing up at him, a smile creeping over both your faces. 

“Yeah, anyway. Are you happy?” He asked, referring to the shopping haul and you sighed. 

“I am except for the buggy,” you mumbled wistfully. “I mean that special edition one was nice but far too pricey.” You could see Hux frowning, the thoughts clearly racing in his mind and you wondered if you should tell him. He looked up, meeting your gaze in the mirror of the lift but you spoke before he could ask. “Dad is in a home.” You stated simply and his eyes widened slightly. 

“What happened?” 

“Drink. Drugs,” you shrugged. “The usual. The man almost ruined my life and now he’s ruining my financial life.” The doors opened and you stepped out hoping he wouldn’t ask anymore questions. Truth was your Dad was dying, you didn’t want to see him, in fact you wanted nothing to do with him but he had no one else and so it fell to you to pay for his care. And it cost an absolute fortune. Hux paid you far more than he needed to, you knew that and you should have a nice cushion of savings behind you but the only asset you had was the flat, the rest was being drained by the home your Dad was in to the point you had almost come to rely on Kat’s rent that she paid you. 

The pair of you placed the bags down and you moved into the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of water from the fridge as your belly tightened yet again, the cramp becoming a nip of pain deep inside that you couldn’t disguise. 

“Go rest, we can sort these out later,” offered Hux and you nodded. A rest sounded so nice. 

You had taken the leap and moved in with him, taking the spare room next to the nursery that he had repainted in a pale pink colour. The transition had been easy but when he was at work one day you found yourself climbing the stairs to what used to be your shared bedroom. It was tidy and immaculate as was everything else in this flat, the bed you had shared stood in the middle and it made your soul ache. He had even kept the bedding you both had used and it made you weep thinking that he’d had another woman between those sheets. You debated going back home that day but your flat was impractical, there was no lift, barely any open space for baby things or a nursery and you were living with someone else. Not that Kat would mind and she would help probably as much as Hux would but it just wasn’t doable when this was on offer. 

You had taken the time to try and stuff your feelings into a tiny box, locking him away in your mind and just seeing him as a flatmate, which was working for now. Kicking your shoes off you laid down on the bed, feeling the baby in your belly shift her position into a more comfortable one for her and you smiled. Gently rubbing your bump you let yourself drift off to sleep. 

When you woke the first thing you noticed was the darkness, the clock next to you told you it was 1am and you sighed. Your sleep pattern was awful now, always waking up around this time regardless of what time you went to bed. Kat said it was your body getting ready for being awake all night long with the baby but that didn’t phase you, as long as you were able to bring her home you’d never sleep again if need be. Sitting up you stretched and yawned, padding your way to the living area which was empty meaning Hux was in bed. You opened the fridge and saw he had cooked and left you a plate of food but you noticed the steak sitting on the bottom shelf. Your tongue curled in your mouth at the thought of steak and you took it out plus some eggs and tomatoes. You spied Hux’s Bluetooth headphones and put them on, finding dance worthy tunes on Spotify and you began to make yourself some food while prancing about the kitchen. The smell of food filled the kitchen and you were almost salivating as it sizzled in the pan. You were searching the cupboard for something to flavour the steak with but you weren’t sure what you were craving and you ended up pulling out all the little jars only to frown in disappointment. 

A hand on your shoulder had you swallow down a scream until you saw Hux all sleepy eyed and floppy haired standing next you. 

“I’m sorry did I wake you?” You whispered, sliding the headphones down to encircle your neck. 

“No,” he lied badly as he flexed his shoulders, stretching his arms behind him. 

“I’m sorry, I was hungry,” you said with a wince. 

“I made dinner,” he replied with a slightly affronted look on his face. 

“But then I saw the steak.”

“Which you are over cooking,” he pointed out and you quickly shifted it off of the hob. 

“I’m craving something and I can’t…figure out what it is,” you growled slightly in frustration. Lifting the pan you moved the steak eggs and tomatoes to a plate staring at it knowing that something was missing. Hux sighed and opened the fridge, sliding a jar along the counter to you. You caught it, giving him a puzzled look.

“Horseradish?” 

“Trust me, it was your first craving with Albie and I guarantee this is what you’re looking for.” You opened the jar and as soon as you smelled it something clicked in your brain. You grabbed a spoon and smeared it all over your steak much to Hux’s disgust which you could almost feel from where he sat at the kitchen island. 

“How did you know?” 

“You don’t remember, do you?” He asked quietly and you shook your head as you sliced into your steak, leaning against the counter. “You woke up sobbing one night telling me you were hungry, we went through everything and you refused it all only to eat a whole jar of horseradish sauce while we were looking and then you went back to sleep.” 

“I—what?” He nodded, grinning slightly. 

“You were so sad, crying into this jar telling me you craved something but you had no idea what it was while you were eating it. Cutest thing ever,” he murmured as he got up, wrapping a hand around the back of your head and kissing your forehead. “Enjoy your food.” You watched him head back up the stairs, hating the way your body wanted to follow him, to have him hold you in his arms in your old bed. You moaned softly, crossing your legs at the sudden flare of desire that licked its way up your spine. You’d been neglecting that side of yourself since Christmas but it was almost becoming too powerful to ignore what with Hux just being there all the time no matter how hard you had stuffed your feelings away. 

Your mind went to Ben, it had been a few days since you’d heard from him as he had clearly taken a step back since you moved in with Hux. He hadn’t said he was unhappy and he told you he supported this but then actions spoke louder than words. You’d been out for dinner with him about a week ago and he was just distant, refusing to make eye contact and you wondered if this was worth it. You also wondered if it was because you refused to sleep with him but you tried to stamp that thought out. 

You put your empty plate and cutlery in the dishwasher, turning only to pause at the bottom of the stairs. Your hand rested on the banister, a foot already on the bottom step before you checked yourself. You had no doubt that if you went up there something would happen. You hated how you remembered what Hux liked, how he’d wake you up sometimes just to give you both the best night you’d had in a while. 

“No. Don’t be so stupid,” you whispered to yourself. Just because you had an itch to scratch, that wasn’t why you were here and if you did add that to the mix then this situation could get messy really fast. You closed your eyes and remembered the things he said, his Phasma had been there when you weren’t, when you saw them kiss outside the coffee shop, his hands on her at the Christmas party. “Yeah that will do it,” you whispered, wiping a single tear off your cheek and retreating back to your room. 

The next day Hux went off to work and you lounged on the sofa, your face in a good book when there was a knock on the door. You sighed in irritation, hating the way something always came up as you got to a good bit. 

“This better be good,” you muttered, opening the door only to see a delivery man and a load of boxes in the hallway. 

“Delivery for Mr and Mrs Hux?” He asked and you refrained from rolling your eyes. 

“I’m not—we’re not…yes. What is this?” 

“Looks like baby furniture ma’am. Sign here,” he told you pointing to the bottom of the sheet. 

“Oh, I wasn’t expecting this today.” 

“Well you paid express delivery,” he said with a shrug. “Where do you want it all?” 

“Oh, through here in this room please,” you stepped out of their way, another man appearing to help carry the boxes. They said goodbye and shut the door behind them leaving you staring at all the furniture and another box that didn’t seem to fit with the rest. You spun it round, seeing the picture of a buggy on the side and you frowned. Grabbing a pair of scissors from the kitchen you opened the box an exclamation of surprise coming from you when you saw the pattern on the material. It was the limited edition of the model you wanted, the expensive one, that clearly Hux had paid for and not told you. Yanking your phone out of your pocket you dialled his number barely letting him get out a hello before you started. 

“What’s this?” You demanded. 

“What’s what? Be more specific,” he huffed. 

“The buggy, the expensive buggy.” 

“Oh, it came.”

“Yeah it came. Why didn’t you tell me? Anyway, I’ll transfer the money over to you today…”

“Yeah sure, and I’ll add it back into your wages in a couple of weeks. Just accept the gift for what it is,” he demanded.

“But this is too much,” you cried softly, not wanting to sob down the phone. 

“No, it’s not. Listen, I’ve got a meeting. I'll ring you later, ok?”

“Sure,” you mumbled, pulling the phone away from your ear. Now you did cry, but it was with joy mixed with confusion. He kept doing these things like you were a couple and you couldn’t define the lines anymore in your mind. The only thing you two weren’t doing was sleeping together and even for you that line was smeared because you still wanted to. You wanted it all. 

When he came home that night you had ordered a take away and you both sat in the nursery putting up the furniture together. He told you about his day spilling some office gossip that you never in a million years would have thought he paid attention to, but apparently he did. 

“Wait, she said that?” You asked handing him the screwdriver. 

“Yep, so now Kevin in publishing is single because she saw him talking to Sharon from finance.” 

“But I thought they were going to last? Evelyn and Kevin have been mutually pining for each other since you took over the company,” you shook your head in disbelief. “Shows you never really know what happens behind closed doors.” 

“Yep,” he agrees from the depths of the wardrobe, sitting back onto his heels to admire his handy work. 

“Looks good,” you said, taking a slice of pizza. 

“Yeah, this is a nice set.” He slid back to sit beside you taking his own slice and you both fell into a comfortable silence. The cot was up, the chest of drawers was made and in place, the last thing was the wardrobe and it just needed moving back against the wall. You shifted position, moaning slightly at the pain shooting down your legs. “You need help?” He asked.

“I may be an absolute heffer but I can get off the floor,” you replied haughtily. Not wanting to admit now you were on all fours you were stuck. 

“Alright, I’ll just leave you there until you tell me you’re stuck.” You closed your eyes hating on him at this moment, he was insufferable and smug when he was right. 

“Fine!” You spat. “Help me would you instead of gloating over my lack of manoeuvrability!” To your annoyance he started laughing, dusting his hands off as he got up.

“Isn’t this the position you should give birth in anyway?” 

“Armitage!”

“Alright, keep your knickers on,” he grumbled. He crouched down and you sat up, almost digging your fingers into his upper arms as he helped you up, watching you wince at the pain shooting down the back of your leg. 

“As much as I have enjoyed being pregnant for this long, no one tells you how taxing it is!” You finally put weight on your leg and became highly aware of his hands on your waist, the rise of his chest, the warmth of his body mixing with yours and a rush of need flooded your body. You looked up at him, seeing his pupils dilate at the feel of you and he made no motion to move away from you. “We should move the wardrobe,” you whispered trying to tear your gaze away from him but you were caught up in the heat of his closeness. 

“Mmm, yeah we should,” he murmured, his hand twitching against you. 

“It needs to go in the corner,” you breathed, trying to ignore the heat pooling your lower belly, your eyes dragging to his lips as you remembered the way they felt against your own, which you pulled into your mouth. 

“I know,” he responded, clearing his throat and sliding his hands up your sides. The movement was enough to break the tension between you and you were able to step out of his reach. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to fill them with something now they were empty of you. The butterflies in your stomach fluttered making you faintly nauseated and the taste of your pizza hit the back of your throat. 

“I’m—I’m tired.” You stuttered, wiping your sweaty hands down your leggings. 

“Sure, ok. See you in the morning,” he mumbled, turning away and you left the room as quickly as you could. 

You were tired, your back ached and you leaned heavily against the wall of the lift trying to get some pressure off your feet. You hated feeling so exhausted all the time, lazing about just wasn’t you. Preferring to be up and out had led you back to work to collect some books but really you just wanted to see people. The ache in your back had grown progressively worse since the early hours of this morning but you were sure it was because you’d been sitting so much. The doors opened to reveal Poe walking past, he did a double take and stepped back a step.

“You ok?” He asked, casting his deep brown gaze over you.

“Yeah I just feel heavy and full of baby.” You shuffled out of the lift, your hand resting on your back to try and ease the ache but nothing could stop it. Poe linked his arm with yours and you didn’t miss the subtle hint at him helping you. 

“You are soggy,” he commented and you smiled. 

“It is snowing heavily out there.”

“Shouldn’t you be at home, I don’t know nesting and not sliding about the frozen streets of London?” He took the keys for your office from your hands and you let him, watching as he unlocked the door and swung it open for you. The lights flickered, making Poe groan loudly. “If the power goes out we are screwed.”

“Hey! Why are you here?” You rolled your eyes at his brisk tone. 

“I’m not staying, Armitage,” you called, moving into your office and seeing the books you wanted to grab. 

“I’ve got this,” he said softly to Poe. You turned to see them glaring at each other and let out a loud sigh drawing their attention back to you. 

“I don’t need either of you, I am f-fine….” You stuttered, leaning heavily on your desk as a ripple of pressure travelled across your belly. Hux was beside you in a moment, his hands travelling up your arms and you shrugged him off. “Please, please I am fine I’m just tired and these Braxton Hicks are killing me. I will go home. I'm just gathering some books to occupy my bored tiny mind.” 

“You’re on maternity leave, you don’t have to work,” Hux murmured, still standing next to you. 

“He’s right,” you looked up to glare at Poe who never sided with Hux, even when they were friends. 

“Something went wrong in the world if you two are agreeing,” you all looked up again as the lights flickered and Hux frowned. 

“If the power goes out here no one is going to get any work done…” he moved away from you to the doorway and leaned out of it. “Alright people!” He called out. “Today is not the day for work,” a loud clap of thunder rolled through the room and he paused waiting for it to finish. “Go home. I will see you all on Monday! That means you as well,” he continued. “Go home and cook this baby in peace.” 

“Why are you here?” Asked Kat when she appeared in the doorway with Poe’s leather jacket and you let out a restrained scream, curling your hands into fists. 

“I’m just collecting some books!! And then I’m going home! Just leave me be!” 

“You heard the woman!” Exclaimed Kat, dragging Poe out of the room and shooting Hux a glare. “She knows what she’s doing. I’ll wait for you in the lobby.” You nodded and turned away. The sounds of everyone gathering their items died into background noise as you looked into yourself. You felt another ripple across your rock hard abdomen, your hand slid down to the underside of your belly and you groaned softly, riding out the feeling of pressure before straightening up. You gathered as many books as you could, trying to fit them into your bag, but they wouldn’t all fit and you slammed the biggest one back on the desk in annoyance. 

“Come on. We’re the only ones left.” You looked up at your ex husband opening your mouth to respond but it felt like the air was stolen from your lungs as pain ripped through you. His expression changed to one of worry and he dropped his bag loudly to rush to you. “What’s wrong, are you ok?” You leaned against the desk, stretching out your back trying to move your body so it didn’t hurt so much but nothing could ease the pain until it fizzled out. “Ok that was a contraction. We need to get you to a hospital.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you scoffed, grabbing your bag and carefully stepping over his items to head to the lift. 

“Why do you dismiss me all the time? I timed it!” 

“It’s just a Braxton Hicks. I’m only 36 weeks along it’s tooooooooo aaahh!” Instantly you felt yourself being supported by his arms and he gently placed you in a chair at an empty desk. You breathed heavily through your nose glaring at him as he crouched before you. 

“These are too intense to be Braxton Hicks, I’ve been reading about them.”

“You? Reading baby books?” You asked incredulously through clenched teeth. He frowned and stood. 

“Yes. I wanted to be prepared. I want to support you, I can offer that and not be….your husband. Lift your feet.” You let him wheel you over to the doors, all the while feeling annoyed because this was a good idea and you wish you’d thought of it sooner. He pressed the button just as all the lights went out plunging you both into darkness. He pressed the button a few more times but the light didn’t come on, the gentle hum of the lift was quiet and you looked up at his silhouette. 

“Guess it’s the stairs,” you said getting up but the pressure was too much. 

“For gods sake woman just sit down!” He snapped, settling you back into the chair. He whipped out his phone but you barely noticed as another wave of pain cascaded through your body. Your jaw clamped shut and only a low guttural moan managed to escape up your throat. 

“Kat, the baby is coming. I don’t know….I didn’t ask her? Not really a question for now is it….Yes I know! We are stuck, she can’t do the stairs and the power went out. I don’t know?? Why don’t you look into a backup generator!” Your hand reached out to grip onto his coat as your body shuddered violently. “Hurry!” 

“Oh this hurts now!” You moaned. 

“You’re ok. I’ve got you,” he said softly and he dialed the hospital. You barely noticed as he wheeled you back to your office and helped you onto the sofa all the while talking to someone from the Delivery Suite. His hand grabbed yours and you clutched him tightly as more pain rippled through your body, the cramping a swift tightness deep inside you and then you felt a warmth spreading from between your thighs.

“Armitage!” You gasped looking down in the dim light from outside. “My waters!” 

“It seems her waters have broken…” he said calmly into the phone. His eyes locked with yours and he knelt down next to you. His hand untangled from your grip to brush some loose hair out of your face, his fingers trailed gently over your skin and you sighed in relief at the touch. The moment of peace didn’t last long as your entire body seemed to clench and you cried out just when Kat appeared in the doorway out of breath and rosy cheeked. 

“Oh my god! You weren’t joking!” She exclaimed.

“I never joke,” snapped Hux when she barged him out of the way. 

“Who’s on the phone?” She asked, grabbing your hand and pressing her hand against your face. 

“Delivery, he r-rang delivery.” Your head rolled on the sofa and you cried out again, the fire ripping through your body. “Oh fucking hell this hurts!” You bellowed out holding onto Kat like she was the only sturdy thing in your life right now. 

“We’ve got you,” she whispered. “You’re doing great, the paramedics will be here soon and they will take you to hospital.”

“No!!” You grabbed her and pulled her close. “I’m not giving birth….on….” You could feel the build up of pain already and your body tensed. “On the STAIRS!!” You yelled in her face as the pain pushed the words out of your chest.

“I need to do what?” Exclaimed Hux loudly and you glanced at him, seeing his expression tighten in annoyance or panic, you couldn’t tell anymore. He pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speaker. “Ok, can you talk me through it?” He asked as he rolled his sleeves up and you started to panic. His hands began to tug on your leggings, an apologetic look written all over his face even if he wouldn’t look you in the eyes. 

“No, stop! What are you doing?” You cried out but you knew exactly what he was doing. Another wave of pain skitted across your swollen belly and you swore loudly, groaning through the intensity of it all. “Kat!! Kat I can’t!  I can’t do this!” You sobbed ignoring the calm voice that now talked out of Hux’s phone. He removed your boots, leggings and underwear in firm but sure movements and you couldn’t help but think he’d had plenty of practice. You let out a rough giggle before your entire body contracted. It felt like your insides were all pulling to one particular point in your body, the pain making you bellow out uselessly. 

“You need to try and get her to put her effort into pushing and not screaming…” said the voice on the end of the phone. “Ok, I need to see if you can feel the baby's head, it will be hard and should be near the entrance of her vagina.” 

Your body flinched when you felt the intrusion of Hux’s hand in your most private place and you tried not to cry out. He was helping, better him than some stranger though, right? 

“You’re doing amazing,” whispered Kat as she wiped the tears off your face. 

“Ok I do, I feel the head.” 

“Ok, have you got anything to wrap the baby in? It sounds like they’re pretty close to being here. The paramedics are 5 minutes out so they might make it in time for the delivery.” 

“I hurt, this hurts….I can’t DO THIS!!” You yelled, losing yourself in the world of pain as your body took over. You grunted loudly pushing. 

“Ok the baby just moved! What should I do?” Shouted Hux, a sense of panic in his voice that you hadn’t heard before. 

“Encourage her to push whenever she gets a contraction….”  You roared again the pain littering your body as though you were on fire and you pushed down feeling an odd sense of relief when you did. 

“I need…. I feel….to push!” Your head rolled and you grunted in the most undignified way, not that you cared. 

“Wait for another contraction! You’re all doing so well. The paramedics are nearly in the building.” 

“Oooooooh!” You felt the sensation from your body trying to expel something, each push you gave meant you were closer to meeting your baby and you held onto that fact. “This is too hard!! I can’t!!” You sobbed, losing yourself to pain, it swept the very breath from your lungs, your teeth clenching as your jaw squeezed shut.

“You must!” Shouted Hux. You could see blood on his arms, his hands holding something precious and you felt a renewed strength. Pushing for a final time your entire body relaxed and you fell back on the sofa as the cries of your baby filled the air. Their tiny wails made your face scrunch up as you remembered your son had never made these sounds. 

“Wrap the baby up, don’t cut the umbilical cord because the Paramedics are just on the stairs. Well done everyone, you have a baby!” You watched through the fog of relief as Hux and Kat worked together to wrap the tiny bundle up in his shirt before placing them in your arms. 

“Your baby is finally here,” said Kat with a smile. “Your little miracle! A girl!” 

“There’s so much blood….is this normal?” Asked Hux.

“The paramedics should be there any second now…”

“What’s happening? It won’t stop!” Cried Hux but you were slipping, your arms felt so heavy around the baby you could barely hold them. 

“Kat,” you managed to mumble before your eyes rolled into the back of your head and you passed out.

Chapter Text

“Look at all the snow, we haven’t had this much snow in England for such a long time.” Your eyes fluttered open, your body was bogged down and listless, you couldn’t move even if you wanted to. “They’re calling this the Beast from the East and it looks like we will be here for a few days….” You saw Hux, his silhouette moving against the glare of whiteness from the window. He was in some hospital scrubs from what you could see and he was swaying gently from side to side. The light from outside streamed in around him as he turned, highlighting his bright hair and you felt an explosion of love for him in your chest and for the tiny bundle in his arms. You wanted to cry out, to whisper his name but you couldn’t. The darkness dug it’s long fingers in again and dragged you back down into the depths that waited. 

The next time you woke up it was to the sound of newborn cries. You blinked rapidly adjusting to the bright lights and you could make out two people. One was Hux and the other was a lady you didn’t know, she seemed to be explaining something to him in hushed tones as they hunched over the cot. A cot… you had a baby . You tried to sit up but your body felt so weak and a little cry left you. Hux looked up sharply at the noise and he was beside you in a second. 

“You’re awake,” he whispered. The mechanics of your bed were loud as he sat you up, helping you into a more comfortable position. You couldn’t take your eyes off him, the way his hair fell over his brow, the intenseness of his green eyes as they flickered to meet your own and you saw the bags that marked the soft skin under his eyes. 

“You look tired,” you whispered, your voice raspy from disuse. 

“Thanks,” he replied, bending down to place a firm kiss on the top of your head. He moved aside as the midwife shuffled over and placed a soft bundle in your arms. At first you were thrown into a world of DejaVu, the face of your son looking at you and instantly you glanced up to Hux for some reassurance but he was gazing down at the baby with a soft expression you never knew he was capable of. “You did it,” he said softly, his hand resting on her head, his other arm across your shoulders as he sat on the edge of your bed. 

“She’s real?” You asked quietly. 

“Yes, she’s real.” 

“It’s just….” You felt overwhelmed, tears came unbidden and you leaned into him. “She looks like him .” 

“Yeah,” his voice cracked slightly and he rested his cheek on the top of your head. “She does.” You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, taking comfort in each other as you gazed at the tiny bundle in your arms. 

“We can take her home?” You asked suddenly, the constriction in your chest increasing at the thought of having to leave her here. 

“Once the weather has cleared. We’re almost snowed in here.” His hand trailed absently up your arm as he spoke. 

“I love snow,” you commented quietly, enjoying the soft touch and relaxing back into him.

“I know.” 

“I want to see.” 

“Not—not yet.” You looked up at him, noticing the change in his tone.

“Why?” He shifted, sliding off the bed and stretching. Instantly you missed his warmth and you frowned. “Armitage, what happened to me?” He crossed his arms. Moving over to the window, refusing to look at you. 

“You um…I—we almost lost you.” 

“Lost me?” You repeated, wishing he would face you. 

“You had surgery, a rupture or something. You just kept bleeding….” He trailed off, his head dropping. “It was everywhere you went downhill so fast and I couldn’t do anything.” He looked over his shoulder at you, his eyes red and raw. “They had to do CPR on you in the ambulance and I was just holding our baby. I felt so useless,” he snarled. 

“Armitage…” your voice was weak, strained with emotion as you tried to digest what he’d told you. The baby shifted in your arms and you felt panicked, you didn’t know what she wanted and your chest heaved. “Armitage t-take her!” Her little mouth opened with a cry as you tried to sit up. “P-please!” 

“Okay! I got her,” he whispered, sliding a hand under her and lifting her out of your arms. “Hey baby, it’s time for a feed huh?” Her cries got louder and you found yourself gripping onto the cover over your legs, tightly twisting it into your fists. Your brain felt like it was shattering, you couldn’t form a thought as she wailed loudly but Hux knew what to do and soon she was sucking on a bottle in his arms. “Do you want to feed her?” He asked, walking over to you but the flare of panic in your chest made you shrink into the bed shaking your head. 

“No it looks like you have it,” you said. He eyed you for a moment before his loving gaze was dragged back to the baby. 

“I’ve been thinking about names,” he started, settling down gently into the chair next to your bed and the grip of your fingers relaxed slightly. 

“We never really discussed names did we?” You murmured. 

“Can I tell you some of my suggestions?” He was talking to you but his attention was solely on the tiny bundle in his arms. 

“I’d love to hear them,” in truth you’d never even considered names. You hadn’t wanted to name her before she was here and you knew she was ok. You shifted on the bed again, trying to pull your legs towards you so you could sit up but pain erupted from your lower abdomen and you bit back a pained groan, wanting to hide your discomfort. 

“Ok well, I’ve been trying to think of names that you’d like and Kat even suggested some.” 

“So you had help?” You asked breathlessly. You saw the smile flit across his mouth as he manoeuvred the baby to sit up on his lap, supporting her head ready to burp her. 

“Yes I did. So the list goes Chloe, Ava, Olivia, Mia, Pippa, Caroline…”

“Caroline? Who came up with that?” You cut across him. 

“Poe wanted to try out a name,” Hux replied. 

“And that was his suggestion?” You scoffed, absently arching your back slightly to try and ease the dull ache that was building in your lower belly. “No, not that one.” You looked over at the little baby, in the low light her eyes looked black as she blinked slowly at you. Her skin was pink and wrinkly, the little fingers on her hand slowly flexed trying to hold onto Hux’s wrist. She yawned, the wrinkles becoming more prominent on her forehead for a moment before she slumped against his massive hand, seemingly exhausted. “Pippa,” you breathed.

“What?” Your gaze couldn’t be drawn away from her, the tiny squashed up nose, her delicate fingernails, the way her toes curled as she stretched. She was tiny and small, and yours. 

“Can I hold her?” Hux moved immediately, gently laying the now sleeping baby in your arms adjusting the blanket to cover her legs. “She looks like a Pippa,” you said, looking up at him. 

“That was my favourite name too,” he whispered, pressing his lips to your forehead. “That was my suggestion by the way.” You rolled your eyes at the smug look on his face as he straightened up. 

“Of course it was, I imagine you need to tell Kat and gloat that I chose one of your name choices?” You replied knowingly as he pulled out his phone. 

“Actually I was going to ring her so you could talk to her and get her to stop blowing my phone up….but after I’d gloated over the fact you chose a name I suggested,” he finished with a lopsided smile. Shaking your head you grinned at his back when he turned to look out the window, a hand in his pocket as he waited for Kat to pick up the phone. To your surprise he reported on you first, letting her know you were awake and as well as could be and that you’d chosen a name…he passed the phone over, tucking it between your ear and shoulder so you could hear your best friend's voice. 

As you listened to her and Poe on the other end of the line, you felt a semblance of normality float over you. They were happy you were awake but angry they couldn’t visit because of the weather. Kat fired questions at you and you got lost in the conversation, holding the warm bundle in your arms and you allowed the beginnings of a bubble of happiness to grow inside you.

The hardest part was over. 

Chapter Text

Your steps were slightly shuffled as you made your way down the bland corridor in Hux’s wake. He had the car seat, holding the precious bundle that was your tiny baby. She was in a pink set you'd bought at some point, the hat sat perfectly on her little head, the blanket tucked around her and she looked super cosy all snuggled down in the car seat. It rocked slightly with every step her dad took but it wasn’t until he swapped hands over so he could push the door open to the car park that you stopped dead. 

“Are you ok?” No. You weren’t. Your baby was outside, in a car seat! She had actually left the hospital! 

“Is she breathing?” You asked suddenly, trying to ignore the feeling of panic that crippled your insides. 

“What?” Hux looked down before tutting slightly. “She’s fine. Will you come on? Don’t you think we’ve all spent enough time in this place?” But still you didn’t move. This was a safe space, if anything happened to Pippa there were nurses and doctors just a button away. Because anything could happen, she could choke while drinking, or just stop breathing. Cot death was a thing, babies died all the time, you could drop her! 

Hux said your name, making your gaze snap to his. “We have got this,” he murmured. His foot wedged the door open as he reached for you. “Come on. Let’s get you both home where I can look after you.” 

“Ok,” you breathed. His hand was warm in yours, a firm tight grip that told you he had you as best as he could. You allowed him to pull you past the door and out into the car park. You squinted a little in the glare, the last of the snow throwing bright light around. The paths and roads had been gritted now the heavy snowfall had stopped. The remnants of the Beast from the East still lay on the grass, or piled as black smush at the edges of the roads. A car drove past, the wet sound of the tyres a noise you hadn’t heard in such a long time. Sunlight streamed through the trees, warming your face and you allowed yourself a sigh with a smile, soaking in the freshness of outside. 

Hux’s Range Rover wasn’t far, you watched as he placed the baby in the back, clipping her seat into the isofix with an ease that told you he had practised. He opened the passenger door for you but he saw the hesitation in your expression. 

“You want to sit in the back?” You nodded, grateful for some reason that you didn’t have to tell him you wanted to. “Ok,” he took your bag from you, throwing it into the boot before opening the back door and you were able to slide in next to Pippa. The pain had subsided considerably while you were in hospital except heaving yourself up into the car made you wince slightly but still you managed to hide it from Hux, not wanting him to worry about you as well as Pippa. 

The drive back was quiet, your eyes glued to the sleeping baby watching for anything out of the ordinary, skin colour change, the movement of her chest stopping just anything that wasn’t right. You went to lean over and listen to her breathing but the pain flared in your belly making you hiss involuntarily. 

“You alright?” He asked, looking at you in the rear view mirror and you plastered on a smile. 

“Yeah yeah, I’m fine,” you lied. The rest of the journey was a blur, your hand settled comfortably on Pippa as she slept soundly. Hux pulled into his building's car park, the doors echoing loudly in the empty space. It was easier to slide out, your hand subconsciously on your abdomen as you moved. Hux grabbed the car seat and your bag, before heading over to the lift. 

“Do you want me to carry that?” You asked but he shook his head. 

“You’re going to rest.” Your teeth gritted together at his dismissive tone, concentrating on the lights above the lift door. 

As soon as they opened it felt like he became a whirlwind, ushering you into your room and making sure you got into bed before disappearing and leaving you truly alone for the first time in what felt like weeks. The room was softly lit by the lamp on the bedside table, your hands buried in the soft covers in an effort to ground you. Being here, in Hux’s place that was once yours, was disorientating even though you’d been living here for a while before Pippa. It didn’t feel like a home. Agitation made you get up and head to the bathroom, the cold water cascaded over your skin but it didn’t do much to revive you. Heading back to the bedroom you dig into your bag looking for the painkillers the hospital had given you, downing a couple of tablets with water you slipped back under the covers and waited for sleep to claim you. 

The house was buzzing. People you knew were dotted all over the living area, Kat was squashed into your side as she gushed over Pippa who was sleeping in your arms, trailing a finger over the baby's forehead. You appreciated all these people. Cards and presents were open and spread in a wide circle around you. Wrapping paper and tissue paper littered the floor abs you wanted to go and clean it up, Hux hated this kind of mess and the last thing you wanted to do was anger him. 

“Here..” you handed the baby over to Kat who took her without question. 

“What do you need?” You felt his hand on your back as you stood up but you shrugged him off. 

“Nothing Poe. Stop fussing!” You hissed. Bending down you started gathering the rubbish and moving items into the nursery. It felt better in here, putting things away where eyes weren’t following you. Pausing for a moment, you looked at the room. Everything was pink, there was nothing blue in here at all, nothing to remind you of Albie. It was like Pippa had come in and erased all traces of her brother. Anger flared in your gut, it was misplaced and illogical but the emotion was real and uncontrollable. You clutched the rail on the cot, digging your fingers into the blanket that was resting on the side. Concentrating on the softness you tried to get lost in the feel of the blanket but the anger roiled inside you, burning away at your insides without mercy. 

You left the nursery, absently smiling your way to the kitchen where you opened the fridge but you had no idea what you were looking for. The sound of everyone chatting set your teeth on edge, the flat was so busy you just wanted peace. Your brain needed quiet and for people to stop asking how you were. 

“Are you ok?” Sharply inhaling the cool air from the fridge you bit back a sharp retort. Putting a fixed smile on your face you slowly shut the door, nodding and humming in affirmation. “Sure?”

“Armitage!” His name barked roughly from you which you instantly regretted. Swiping a hand over your face and letting out a shaky breath you continued. “I am fine. It’s just a little crowded.” 

“Do you want me to send everyone home?” He asked. 

“No, no it’s ok. Can you keep an eye on Pip? I might just head to my room for 5.”

“Sure, take all the time you need.” You refused to look at anyone, especially Kat. You could feel her eyes on your back until dived into your room and carefully shut the door. Sliding down the wall you let out a huge sigh, soaking in the silence until your phone buzzed in your pocket. 

Made some of these last night… I think you deserve some but with alcohol in this time! 

Attached was a picture of some very pretty cocktails, nodding in silent agreement tears came unbidden to your eyes. You hadn’t heard from Ben in ages, he said he was giving you space which you appreciated. But now he messaged you and he didn’t ask how you were feeling which made you so much happier than you thought it would. 

I definitely do! When are you next at work? I’ll see if I can escape for a night. 

His reply was almost instant.

Let me take you out. You deserve to be treated and not just abandoned at the bar while I work. Just let me know when and I will come and rescue you. 

B x

Chewing your lip you couldn’t help but feel the anger melt away and be replaced with excitement. He was still interested? Even after all this time and weeks of silence? Shoving your phone back into your pocket you quickly checked your face, giving it a quick wipe before heading back out into the living room. If anyone noticed a change in your mood they didn’t say anything, but you could feel Kats gaze burning a hole in the back of your head as you went around catching up with people. 

Finally she caught up with you in the kitchen, people had started to leave and you now had to soak up and all the repeated congratulations, responding with a nod and smile each time. She stood beside you, holding Pippa without a word as you filled the dishwasher, Hux was seeing people out of the door and Poe was clearing up the living room. 

“Out with it Kat,” you whispered. Not able to tolerate her brooding silence anymore. 

“What happened earlier? You looked like you were going to explode and then you came back all smiles?” 

“I just needed a break, it was overwhelming everyone talking at once.” 

“But that’s not like you?” 

“I’m freaking exhausted!” You snapped harshly, still trying to keep your voice low. “I just needed a few minutes to gather myself, I’m allowed to do that.” 

“Don’t get so defensive. Anyone would think you did something wrong!” She mumbled as she shifted Pippa in her arms. Her eyes were watching Hux at the door and she leaned closer to you. “You know that man never left your side.”

“I’d just given birth to his child, of course he’d feel the need to be close.” 

“No, it was more,” she whispered hurriedly but then she had to straighten up when he closed the door and made his way to where you both were. 

“Shouldn’t she be holding her baby and resting while you help clear up?” He demanded shooting Kat a little glare. 

“Armitage, it’s fine. I’m happy doing this.” The last thing you needed was the pair of them erupting into a row, but your comment seemed to take the fight out of him and he put the milk prep machine on instead. “Do you want to feed her before you go?” You asked Kat as you shut the dishwasher. 

“Can I?” 

“You haven’t fed her since we got back from the hospital? I’ve barely seen you sit down with her.” Hux stepped forward, his eyes on you but you refused to meet them. 

“It’s fine I can do the next feed, let Kat have a go,” you gestured dismissively and went to help Poe. In truth, you didn’t want to feed Pippa. You looked at her little face and saw everything that Albie had missed out on because life was unfair. You were in the same house, with the same people, just a different child. Sometimes when you looked at her you felt so detached, like she wasn’t actually yours. A part of you screamed this was unnatural but you ignored it, burying the feeling under indifference and just getting on with everything else. 

Poe held open the bag as you put the last of the rubbish in it, stopping when his hand snatched your wrist. His back was to the kitchen so Kat and Hux couldn’t see what he was saying. 

“You are not alright,” he stated, bowing his head slightly towards you. “I am here for you and when you’re ready to talk I will be here, ready to listen. Ok?” You nodded trying to swallow past the lump in your throat. He released you, doing up the rubbish bag as though he hadn’t just said a word to you. Moving out of habit, you straightened up the pillows on the sofa, curling the feeding cushion round ready for Kat to use. 

Making a lame excuse about being tired you left them and went to hide in your room. You heard Kat start talking but you shut her out, they were concerned. You weren’t acting like you, but you didn’t know who you were anymore. It was like you woke up in hospital, a blank canvas and you had to repaint yourself from memory, a poor one at that. The colours were wrong, the strokes were at a different angle and you just weren’t the same. Becoming a parent changes a person, suddenly their heart is existing outside of their body….but that had already happened to you. And he had died in your arms. 

A well of emotion cascaded from you, tears brimming in your eyes as you clamped a hand over your mouth. You felt yourself splintering, fracturing into so many pieces you weren’t sure if you had the glue to stick yourself back together. Breathing heavily against your hand you tried to rein it in, to bury these feelings and wedge them back into the box they had broken free from. The visualisation worked, the pressure lifted off your chest and your breathing became more even. You heard Hux open the door to the nursery and you knew you had to move. Not even changing your clothes you crawled under the covers barely having time to close your eyes before he was carefully opening your door.

He whispered your name, getting no response you expected him to leave but he came in. It took all your self control not to react as he knelt down in front of you, his warm fingers gently swiping along your hairline. You felt him pause, his thumb delicately brushed your cheek smearing the near dry tears over your skin. A soft sigh escaped him when he stood up and bent over you. 

“I wish you’d talk to me,” he whispered before ghosting a kiss on your temple and disappearing, the soft click of your door telling you he’d closed it behind him. You opened your eyes only to stare into the darkness that matched the void inside you.

Chapter Text

The days all blurred into one, you and Hux took it in turns for a full week of feeding, nappy changing and sleeping. You had no idea what day it was as you lay on the sofa staring at the ceiling. It was so easy being a slave to Pippa, no room for thinking or getting lost in your own emotions. Nothing, except obeying her every cry. Hux was snoring softly on the other sofa, his arm thrown over his face in an effort to block out the light of the day and your gaze was drawn to the clock in the kitchen. It read 10am even though it felt more like 5pm, the second hand moving mercilessly around at frightening speed. Each tick from the clock seemed to get louder the longer you looked until it filled your mind. A little hammer knocking on the inside of your skull that set your teeth on edge, a constant reminder that time didn’t stop regardless of what happened. Sitting up you tried to block it out but frustration made you move until a knock at the door grabbed your attention. Instantly you looked down at Hux but he didn’t shift and you thought if you ignored the door they might go away but whoever it was knocked again, louder. Hux woke up, swallowing a snore and rolling off the sofa in one movement. 

“I’ve got it,” he mumbled. You settled on the floor next to Pippa’s bouncer as it rocked silently, you and Hux were immensely grateful for this little creation as Pippa couldn’t get to sleep without being rocked at the moment. The door opened and as soon as you heard the voice your stomach fell through the floor. 

“I hear congratulations are in order! Of course I had to hear from someone at the office,” she drawled, sweeping into the flat like she owned the place. Her piercing blue eyes were drawn to you instantly and she sneered. “I should have known.” You bristled at her words, hating that she was even here. She dismissed you after taking in your tired and dishevelled appearance before fawning over Hux. The loudness of her heels beat the inside of your mind and each step she took made rage unfurl deep in your belly. Taking a deep breath you tried to concentrate on Pippa’s little face but all you could hear was her. 

They stood in the kitchen and every word that fell from her mouth was almost a veiled insult, she commented on Hux’s clothes. She dragged her fingers through the stubble that had grown out demanding he shave, today. She flicked the mop of hair that fell over his brow telling him that she was going to book him an appointment, why had he let himself go in such a short space of time…but Hux just took it. Your heart beat faster when you saw the resigned look on his face just letting this woman rip him to shreds in his own space and you weren’t having it. The last straw was when Phasma tried to put her arms around him and you found yourself moving. Your mouth opened before you even really knew what you were doing. 

“He’s been busy. We had a baby in case you didn’t realise .”

“Oh I knew,” she replied, fixing you with a glare. ”I just didn’t realise you’d made yourself quite comfortable here, in his flat.”

“Excuse me?” You whispered, stepping forward. Your fists clenched at your sides as fury swept through your body. 

“Phasma, that’s enough,” commented Hux. 

“She’s taking advantage of you, Armitage,” she gestured to you over the kitchen counter. “You are just too much of a push over these days.” 

“I am doing no such thing!” Thoughts tumbled over so quickly in your mind all you could do was stand there and spit in pure rage. Hux had asked you to move in, Hux had made sure all of this happened not the other way round! 

“Look at the state of him!” Continued Phasma. 

“He’s just had a baby!” You managed to seeth. 

“Would you two stop…?” He asked wearily, rubbing his forehead like he had a headache.

“Why are you still sniffing around anyway, Phasma?” You asked smugly, crossing your arms. “Just making sure he’s not coming back to me?” Her heels clicked as she strode from the kitchen, her finger pointed in your direction and you knew you’d touched a nerve. 

“Oh I’m not worried. I know he’s never going back to you — I mean look at you,” she sneered again, baring her perfectly what teeth at you from between her painted blood red lips. “I am not sniffing around, unlike you! Opportunistic gold digger that you are!”

“That’s enough!” Bellowed Hux. “Out, get out!” He grabbed Phasma’s arm and led her to the door making her shriek in anger which woke up Pippa. You could hear the furious exchange at the door, allowing yourself a little smile that Phasma had dropped herself in it again, jumping slightly at the force he used to slam the door. 

“I’m not any happier with you!” He growled and your smugness slipped in the face of his obvious anger. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? She just blatantly stood there and called me fucking gold digger?? ” You rocked Pippa against you. “You could have stood up for me. Haven’t you told her you asked me to move in? Fuck sake Armitage, have you told her anything?” 

“Would you watch your language?!”

“She’s literally three weeks old, she can’t understand us!” You scoffed. 

“No! But she is listening to us shout right now! Pass her here, she can tell how angry you are because you’re rocking her too roughly.” His comment made you see red and you stepped towards him. 

“You know what? Fucking take her. I’m going out.” You had to leave. You were sick of these walls and sick of that fucking clock. 

“Out?” He repeated incredulously while trying to calm the baby.

“You heard me,” you snapped, gathering your coat and bag. 

“You can’t just leave!” He almost snarled while cradling Pippa to him. 

“I can. And I am. Don’t wait up for me.” You slammed the door with as much force as he had and stood waiting for the lift shifting from one foot to the other. You raised a finger to your mouth and began to chew the skin near the nail. Looking over your shoulder you expected him to open the door, to call you back and make peace with you but he didn’t. The lift arrived and for a second you hesitated, but then you stepped inside. 

You were alone, the silence almost like a slap in the face after the explosion that had just happened. You caught a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror and you hastily did up your coat to cover your marked, baggy top. You dusted your leggings off and wiped a hand over your face in an effort to do….something. 

Stepping outside of the building without your legs aching, or your back pulling or a screaming baby in your face was such a relief. You almost bounced down the street soaking in the London city atmosphere as it lay before you in the wintery sunshine. It had more warmth today, hinting at the next season but you knew that could all change within the day. 

You found yourself in the park, people were walking their dogs or playing with their children in the playground, families throwing frisbees or kicking a ball. All so lovely and domestic. You shoved your hands in your pockets as you sat on the bench, just observing the world you had missed and yet…you still felt so disconnected. You saw a small boy fall over, his mother there cooing over his wound telling him what a brave boy he was. Before you’d have sat here and yearned for that opportunity, to be a real parent but now you sat here and watched with indifference. You felt empty, a huge void yawned inside you and you couldn’t figure out why. You finally had what you wanted, a healthy baby but it wasn’t the same. Nothing was. 

“You escaped.” Your entire body jolted at the sound of his rich baritone voice, squinting in the rich sunlight you tried to smile but you were fairly sure you just screwed up your face. 

“Ben,” you mumbled. 

“Hey,” he sat down next to you on the bench and instantly the butterflies erupted in your stomach. Finally, feeling! The sensation of something inside you warmed you and now you did smile. “I have missed that,” he confessed. “What did you do with her?” He asked, peering round you. 

“Oh she’s back at…the flat with Armitage. He let me out for a breather,” you chased the truth up with a lie pushing down the guilt. But then if Phasma could come over shouting the odds why couldn’t you meet up with Ben in the park? It wasn’t like you arranged it.

“How is being a parent?” You shrugged, brushing against his shoulder as you did. 

“It’s wonderful. Isn’t that what everyone wants you to say?” He was watching your face, reading your emotions with his honeyed gaze. 

“You know it’s ok to admit that it’s not,” he said and his words struck a chord with you. Your feelings or lack of, were the furthest from ok but right now you wanted to talk about absolutely anything else. 

“Seeing as I’m free, don’t you owe me some cocktails?” He laughed, his dimples prominent as he looked around the park in fake shock. 

“I am pretty sure it’s too early for cocktails,” he rumbled. 

“Not if you feed me first,” you replied flirtily, biting your lower lip in anticipation. He waited a beat, his knee jigging slightly as he mulled over your proposition. 

“Did you have anywhere in mind?” He asked and your grin grew wider. 

“Come on, let’s go and have some fun.” 

It was dark when you stumbled through the glass door, watching it with wonder because it looked like your hand was pushing air. 

“Ben…Ben!” You snorted disgracefully when your feet refused to obey you only for Ben to wrap his strong arms around you and carry you away from the doorway. “I couldn’t see the door Ben,” you mumbled. 

“I know darling, they’re glass.” You lolled back into his embrace, sighing slightly. “Shall we get you home?” His words were met with an annoyed groan from you. 

“If I go home he will be all pissy. He will demand to know where I’ve been and then his little face will get all ruddy with rage!” Ben’s tightened around you, his dark hair tickling your face and you breathed him. Your head was swimming now you were out in the cold air and you were grateful that he was holding you up. “I should though.” 

“Yes you should,” he chuckled lightly. 

You don’t remember getting in a taxi, you don’t remember walking over the bridge and you certainly didn’t realise he was taking you back to Kat’s flat until he was knocking on the door. 

“I don’t live here anymore,” you mumbled. Light graced you on the pavement and you couldn’t help but blink against the glare. Kat said your name with surprise and relief before rounding Ben demanding to know where you’d been all this time. “Don’t yell at him.” 

“We’ve been worried. Hux is beside himself,” Poe told you as he reached for you. “Why didn’t you ring someone?” He chastised and you tutted. 

“I didn’t wanna talk.”

“But you went off with Ben? On your own? You barely know him!” 

“Oh fuck off Poe! You’re not my father….” You clapped a hand over your mouth and giggled as the stairs swayed dangerously before you. “My father. What a joke.” You accepted Poe helping you up the stairs until the front door slammed behind you. “Where’s Ben? Kat what the hell?!” 

“You’re drunk. We will talk in the morning.” You rolled your eyes and leaned heavily into Poe.

“Are you guys mad at me? God, this is taking forever!” You exclaimed at the stairs that never seemed to get less. “Did you put extra stairs in or something cause fucking hell.” 

“Hux? Yeah it’s Kat. She’s here and she’s well, she's drunk.” You turned to see Kat wincing and moving the phone away from her ear. 

“Give it to me!” You gasped lunging behind you only to lose your balance but just at the last second Poe grabbed your jacket by the collar. You sniggered, half hanging half laying on the stairs as Poe and Kat exchanged a worried look over your head. 

“She’s fine. I’ll bring her back when she’s sobered up,” Kat told your ex husband on the phone, glaring at you as you found your feet. 

“Anyone would think I’ve committed a crime. Am I not allowed to have fun now I’m a parent to one…no two? How many…” everything was so foggy. “I should go home, Albie will be needing me.” You stopped as Kat wrapped you in an embrace which you returned. “So you’re not mad at me?” You muttered into her shoulder. 

“No, I'm not mad at you. Hux suggested you sleep it off here though and then you can go home to your…to your baby.” Sleep sounded really good and you let them guide you into your old room. Poe left as Kat helped you get your coat and shoes off and tucked you up in the bed. She sat on the side gently sweeping a stray strand of hair from your face and you smiled lazily at her. 

“I can’t wait to see Albie,” you mumbled. “Tomorrow.” 

“I bet he can’t wait to see you either,” she whispered thickly. 

You felt like you’d died. Your body ached, your head pounded and oh the nausea ! Chugging the water on the bedside table next to your bed you tried to get your bearings in the almost empty room. 

“What the fuck…?” You whispered. You had no recollection of arriving here. You were still in your clothes from yesterday and you desperately tried to remember what happened. Phasma came over, the echo of Pippa’s cries made you wince. Then you shouted at Hux, you left and came across Ben. Then everything just goes blank until you wake up in your old room. The door opened and Kat strode in carrying a tray with some pancakes and orange juice. 

“How you feeling?” 

“Like I drank the Thames.” 

“Here,” she held out some pain killers and you took them with a small smile of thanks, washing them down with the orange juice and already your stomach was beginning to feel better. The pair of you sat in silence just nibbling on the pancakes, you had no idea what to say and you were too afraid to ask what happened. 

“Are you ok?” You looked up to see your best friend looking at you with a little furrow on her brow. 

“I feel I should never drink again but otherwise I’m ok. Why?” She shrugged and went back to gazing out of the window. 

“Just some things you said last night.” You flopped back onto the bed instantly regretting the sudden movement with a groan. 

“You can’t take what I say when I’m pissed to high heaven as anything except the nonsense that it was.” You frowned. “Why, what did I say?” 

“You’re right. It was just drunk ramblings.” She moved the tray to the side and laid down next to you. “Will you be alright going home?” You sighed, curling your fingers to tug on the cuff of your top. 

“I mean I guess,” biting your lip you stared at the ceiling already dreading the way Hux is going to react when you go back. “It’s not really home though, is it?” You whispered desperately trying to ignore the burn of tears in your eyes. 

“What makes you say that? It’s been your home longer than this place.” 

“It’s just memories. Memories of Albie, of our marriage, of…life before. And it hurts.” Kat reached and grabbed your hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. You looked over at her and she opened her mouth as if to say something but thought better of it. 

“Next time you need to let your hair down, give me a ring! And don’t rely on shady Ben.” You laughed letting her pull you into a hug. 

“He’s not that shady.”

“Hmmm,”’was all she replied with. She snuggled into you and that’s how Poe found you both half an hour later, half dozing in each other’s arms. 

“Ladies. We have a visitor.” Kat sat up and stretched, both of you looking over as the door slammed open to reveal Hux clutching a small pink bundle in his arms. His scarf was hanging off his shoulder, his pale skin was rosy from the chill outside or anger, you weren’t exactly sure. As soon as his gaze rested on you his expression changed, falling into something akin to indifference except for the flare of his green irises. Kat got up and wordlessly took the baby out of his arms, Poe closed the door, casting a reassuring look at you before they were both hidden from view. 

He strode over to the window, yanking his leather gloves off and you felt like you were suddenly transported back to before the divorce. When you were filled with hope that he still loved you but his actions all said otherwise. 

“Go on, yell at me.” He leaned against the wall, peering down onto the street as he crushed his gloves in his fist. 

“I don’t want to.” 

“That’s a first,” you scoffed and he tutted loudly. 

“We promised to be functioning adults,” he almost spat through gritted teeth, still refusing to look at you. 

“We did.” You leaned forward to rest your elbows on your knees. “I’m sorry I left.”

“It wasn’t the leaving,” he snapped, turning to you but now studying his gloves. “It wasn’t you leaving, it was the, not knowing where you were.” 

“Want to put a tracker on my phone?” You snarked and he ran a hand through his windswept hair. 

“I’m trying here,” he breathed and you could see he was holding himself back. Before he’d have exploded at you, maybe even wanted to get a little handsy but now he was just trying to talk. He didn’t want you to run off again. “Next time just tell me you want to go out. I was…” his throat flexed as he swallowed harshly. “We were worried about you.” 

“You thought I was going to run off to France with just my purse?” Now he did look at you, his gaze piercing as he figured out how to respond. “Well?”

“The thought crossed my mind. Yes,” he admitted. So that’s why they had all panicked, your nearest and dearest thought you were going to pull a disappearing act again. 

“I was grieving. When I left before. I’m not grieving now, I'm happy.” It was a blatant lie. The word happy felt like ash in your mouth, you couldn’t even recall what happy felt like. You stood, highly aware of how awful you felt still in your clothes from yesterday. “Can we go? I need a shower.” He seemed to sag a little at your words, a small smile of relief crossing his lips and he nodded. 

“Let’s go home.” He opened the door and you walked through it, already knowing that where you were going would never be home. 

Chapter Text

“I need to head into work.” You looked up from the book you were reading in alarm. 

“What?” It would be the first time he left you with Pippa alone and you couldn’t ignore the trepidation that gathered on your chest. 

“There’s a hitch with one of the books, something to do with a cover…”

“Then I should go!” You told him, getting off the sofa, trying to keep your tone light. Hux shook his head, he was already dressed in his suit. Shrugging his jacket on he threw you a smile and you realised he was happy to go back to work. 

“You need rest.” How much more rest did you freaking need? All you did was rest and obey the small person’s screams. “Have a nap or something while she sleeps.” He glanced at the monitor on the kitchen island. “She’ll probably wake for a feed soon. I won’t be long, three hours tops.” You swallowed. Three hours, that was doable. He didn’t even say goodbye, just disappearing through the door leaving you standing there in the silence. Your gaze slid to the clock in the kitchen, your molars grinding as you clenched your jaw. You could do this…

Everything was muffled, even your feelings were trapped behind a flimsy curtain inside you. The veil was thin, you could see and hear and feel what was behind it but it didn’t seem real. You frowned slightly, an echo through the fog, a cry? It was distorted somehow, like you were submerged and drowning just without fear. 

Numbness. It spread through you like a disease, rendering everything obsolete, interaction was pointless. Breathing was pointless, doing anything was just….pointless. 

“What are you doing?” You looked up, moving in slow motion not even sure where you were for a second then everything came crashing down around you and horror filled you as the sound of your baby's cries permeated the fog, lifting it and banishing the numbness. 

“Give her to me!” You held your arms out but Hux moved back a step, absolute fury etched all over his features. 

“How long have you sat there and listened to her crying?” He demanded angrily. 

“I didn’t….I wasn’t….I couldn’t hear her!” He strode over to the kitchen, pulling a clean bottle out of the steriliser. He did it one handed, dropping bits of plastic everywhere as he struggled to put it together. He cradled Pippa close but you could hear how distressed she was, the sobs and cries constant and frantic as they were forced from her tiny body. Your mind shattered, you couldn’t concentrate hearing her that upset and you felt your own tears gather in your eyes. 

“Armitage please!” He ignored your desperate plea for the baby, busying himself with making a bottle, turning her over in his large hands and you saw her mouth open and gasping. Her tiny chin trembled as she began to wear herself out and he rocked her gently, finally putting the bottle in her mouth and turning his livid gaze to you. 

“I could hear her down the corridor! What the fuck were you doing?” He demanded again. 

“I…” you had no words. No excuse, no thoughts. “I don’t know.” Colour flushed his cheeks and he turned away from you. Going to sit down on the sofa as he shunned you. It hurt, the way he just dismissed you, like he couldn’t comprehend that you just hadn’t heard her. Because you hadn’t….right? You wouldn’t ignore your own baby. 

You busied yourself putting the steriliser back together, each piece had its own place and you put them all back, losing yourself in the motion of your arms, such a simple task that usually brought you some calm but not now. The storm was gathering, the blackness that heaved inside you behind the veil was breaking through. It followed your veins, flowing into your limbs and you dropped the lid of a bottle, just watching as it bounced over the white tiles until it finally came to a stop. The lid was clear, only the reflection of the light and the fuzzy shadow told you where it was and yet you still didn’t reach for it. The counter was cool under your fingers, the quartz sparkling, dazzling, captivating drawing your attention to the little shimmers everytime you moved. 

“Are you going to pick that up?” He asked, slamming the now empty bottle down on the side. You looked at your baby, her little cheek smushed against his shoulder, a dribble of milk soaking into the muslin he’d thrown over his suit. He was still wearing his jacket, not even taking it off in his rush to get to Pippa.

“She needs burping,” you murmured. 

“I know how to look after my own baby,” he snapped. Striding away and shutting himself in her nursery. You didn’t know what to do so you made your way back to where you always sat, your space on the sofa. You could see everything from here, the kitchen, the corridor that led to the bedrooms, the living area. Everything was viewable from this spot. Your gaze was drawn to the baby monitor on the coffee table, watching him rock her, holding her so close to him, kissing her head like she was the most precious thing. She was, of course she was. You could feel it somewhere inside you how special she was but it got lost amongst everything else. A tear slid down your cheek and you wiped it absently not sure where it had come from or why.

 The nursery door opened and he stepped out, softly closing it before slowly making his way to stand next to you. Grabbing a cushion you fidgeted with the zip using it as a soft barrier between you and Hux’s palpable rage. He carefully placed himself next to you, running a hand over his stubbled face before turning to look at you. The colour of the cushion became very interesting, the suede material soothing to your fingertips as you fiddled. 

“Look at me,” you shook your head, flinching when he reached for you. “Fucking look at me!”

“I can’t!” You cried, closing your eyes so you couldn’t see the disappointment in his gaze. The hatred that must be building inside him, it filtered through from his touch as he gripped your upper arms. You could feel each fingertip pressing into you, imprinting his displeasure at your actions, even though you hadn’t been able to hear her. 

“What’s wrong with you?” You couldn’t answer. How could you explain the darkness that lingered inside you, snaking around your insides? How could you explain the thoughts that clouded your mind, dragging you deeper and deeper into the abyss you tried so hard to stay out of. Slowly your eyes opened and the veil lifted. Your sobs were rough and deep seated, they came from depths you didn’t even know existed, clawing their way out of you as you helplessly hung in his grasp. 

“I d-don’t k-know!” You managed to get out between each rip of your throat. “I f-feel like I-I am breaking!” He pulled you to him, letting you into his space, resting you against him as he cradled you to his chest. “I c-can’t shift it n-no matter h-how hard I try!” He didn’t speak just letting you get it out of your system like he thought it would help. But it was never out of your system, no matter how hard you cried, the darkness was always there. 

“I’m making you an appointment at the doctors tomorrow,” his soft voice rumbled from his chest and you grimaced through the tears still dripping down your face. 

“No, they won’t understand,” you whispered.

“They will, I will make them see.” You sat up abruptly, pulling yourself away from the warmth of his embrace, the exhaustion finally coming to you. 

“I should sleep,” you mumbled. He stood, offering you his hand and you took it, letting him lead you to your room next to Pippa’s. You didn’t complain when he dragged the cardigan off your shoulders, you didn’t care when he lifted your arms up to remove the top you were wearing and replaced it with a clean one. Obediently you stepped out of your leggings, letting him put your feet in fresh pajama bottoms. You laid down and he tucked the blanket over you, gently running a hand over your hair before going to step away but you grabbed it. You held onto him and he paused, your eyes met but no words were exchanged, they didn’t need to be. He began to unbutton his shirt, yanking it over his head and undoing his belt, he slipped in behind you. The rustle of the blanket, the contact as he wrapped his arms around you felt like bliss. His body was warm on your back, his legs slotting into yours, his arm coming up your front and pulling you close. This is what you needed and for the first time in ages you found yourself easily slipping into sleep. 

When you woke you were alone, and it was bright. You sat up suddenly wondering why Pippa hadn’t woken you up for a feed. You slipped out of bed and opened the door quietly, hearing music coming from the kitchen with the smell of coffee and bacon so you padded in that direction. You couldn’t help but smile when you turned the corner, Hux was standing there holding the baby. Rocking her in time to the music, she was cradled along his arm, her little leg flopping over as he ate one handed. He was showered and dressed already, she clearly had a feed recently you could see the little milk drunk expression on her face. You leaned against the wall enjoying the sight in front of you, adoring the little glances that Hux gave Pippa just checking she was ok. 

Your chest constricted suddenly, the happy bubble bursting, making way for darker feelings and you gasped lightly. You found yourself wishing with all your heart your son was around your legs, running to his dad but it wasn’t happening. He wasn’t there, he was never there, your arms were empty when you looked down and a sob was forced out of your chest. The sound of your name made you jump, you almost smashed into the wall trying to get away, rushing back to your room the door bounced open in the wake of your movement. 

You felt trapped, twisting your hands together you tried to ground yourself to the pain but it wasn’t working. The sound of the clock in the living area pierced the fog that descended making you clutch your head but then you were moving again, swiping past Hux as he exited the nursery. He tried to grab you but you slipped from his grip, heaving yourself onto the counter on the kitchen and you reached. The clock fell from the wall, the loud noise of it smashing onto the counter was muffled and you watched with satisfaction as glass cascaded over your hand, falling to the floor like tinkling rain. The main part of the clock bounced, the batteries falling from the cracked holder and peace descended. 

“What….?” Hux looked at the floor in disbelief, his shoes crunching on the glass as he stepped up to the counter. “What is happening?” He demanded. 

“I don’t….I don’t know. Couldn’t you hear it? So loud, it was so loud, Armitage.” Your hand trembled as you pressed it to your forehead, looking at the mess you had just made. “Oh god I’m sorry!” You gasped. 

“It’s ok,” he whispered, coming up to you and wrapping his arms around you. 

“I didn’t mean to smash it, I couldn’t…I couldn’t think!” He lifted you off the counter and carried you from the shards of glass, settling you in the sofa. He went to pull away but your arms around his neck tightened and he stayed holding you. 

“Tell me how you feel.” You could feel them, the scars inside you ripping back open, the strong emotions forcing their way out of you and you clutched onto him, neither of you caring as your tears smeared all over his skin. 

“I’m not sure how to explain it,” you breathed in a rush. 

“Try.”

“I feel—I feel like I want to smash everything and go back in time to when I didn't feel like this! To before the divorce, France, to before Albie… .” You swallowed, letting the tears just flow from your eyes as you looked inside yourself. “The clock just reminds me, with every tick it moves me further and further away from him, every movement of the hand makes my memories of him fuzzy and they’re being replaced with…with her!” The guilt of your words flooded you and finally you sat back slightly releasing your hold on him but Hux kept his hands on your arms. “I love her, I do. She is precious and a miracle but I can’t stop thinking about him and what he would have been like. I’m sorry I’m ruining everything!” You covered your face not wanting to look at him and see the inevitable disappointment that would be all over his expression. He struggled to pry your hands away, lifting your chin and forcing you to look into those green eyes you missed so much. To your surprise it wasn’t disappointment you found but understanding.

“I feel it. I feel the same, I see our son in her. Our son. Our daughter. He will never be forgotten because he lives in her, in all of us.” You tried to look away but he wouldn’t let you. “What else? There’s more, I can see it in your eyes.”

“Armitage….” His name was a whispered plea on your breath but he still didn’t let you go and your internal walls crumbled. “I feel like my thoughts aren’t my own anymore. I’m so detached from my body. When I feed her I feel nothing, when she screams I feel nothing! It’s like I’m in a Perspex prison and I can see everything but it’s muffled and distorted beyond recognition sometimes…I’m broken. Something inside me is missing and I don’t know…I can’t…. breathe!” The pain in your chest increased as you strained against the need to cry more. The pressure built relentlessly in your head creating a throbbing from your temples and you gasped loudly. “Armitage,” your fingers curled in his shirt as you pressed your face into his chest suddenly feeling exhausted and washed out. “I need help.”

Chapter Text

You were never alone anymore, since the doctor had prescribed the anti-depressants there was always someone with you. Whenever Hux had a meeting or he had to be at work Poe or Kat would materialise at your front door all smiles and words with snacks, setting up their laptop on the kitchen island. Just an extra adult in the house to talk to really eased some of the pressure and you appreciated it you really did, but you were feeling better in yourself now and you wondered how longer this was going to continue.

You showered and dressed before Pippa had woken up for her morning feed and that’s how Hux found you both. 

“Morning,” he said with the hint of a smile. Pippa instantly pulled herself away from the bottle to give him a gummy smile and you tutted a little at the milk dribbling everywhere. She reached for him but Hux was in a suit and you sat her up. 

“Daddy is looking very smart this morning. If I hand you over you’re going to make him all milky and smelly!” You bopped her on the nose and she let out a little laugh but instantly her eyes were dragged back to Hux who was making a coffee and you felt a stab of sadness. Were you that wrapped in your depression that she hadn’t bonded with you? You squashed the thought like a bug, refusing to let them drag you down. “I thought about stopping by the office today,” you directed the comment at Hux and he turned. Coffee in hand as he leaned against the counter. 

“Are you sure?”

“I need to get out of here and see the sights and smells of the city. Also Pippa should see where we work and I…I miss reading.” 

“You’re not coming to work to get work, you need to…” you made a frustrated noise and stood up, placing the baby on your hip as you did. 

“I am sick of being here, being chaperoned everyday. I feel like a different kind of prisoner now, Armitage. I need to get out, start functioning on my own. You can’t babysit me forever!” 

“Alright.” He replied with the hint of a smile playing around his mouth but he covered it by drinking his coffee. 

“What…no disagreement?” You asked, shocked that he wasn’t fighting you on this.

“No, this is what I’ve been waiting for,” he stepped towards you and kissed you on the cheek. “Welcome back,” he whispered before striding off, gathering his coat and keys. “I have some meetings today,” he called from the door as he looked at his calendar. “But come in whenever, if I’m busy, hang around. I want to show Pip my office.” 

“Yes I’m sure she’ll be thrilled!” You replied loudly as he disappeared with a quick wave to Pippa. As soon as the door shut you felt a surge of loneliness, everything was just so silent except for your baby girl sucking on her hand. “We’ve got this right?” You asked her but all she did was blink those big green/blue eyes and coo at you. “My thoughts exactly.” 

You felt strange pushing a buggy out of the lift onto the office floor. Everyone was warm and welcoming, making little comments at the sight of your sleeping daughter but you still had to fight to smile. To crush down that flight mode of your brain until Poe managed to manoeuvre you into the calm of your office. 

“Thanks for the save,” you breathed. 

“You looked like you were about to make a run for it and Kat would never forgive me if I let you go before this meeting ended.” He gazed into the buggy, smiling at the sleeping Pippa and you found yourself wondering if you could ever look at her like that without the shadow in your mind telling you it wasn’t right. 

“Is she with Armitage?” He nodded, flopping down on the sofa, which was new you noticed. Maybe the blood didn’t come out of the last one. You put your lights on, watching as they highlighted the photos along the wall. Some were of you with members of staff, some with authors and their books then there was one of you and Armitage with a small baby bump. You looked so happy, beaming . Clearing your throat you turned away, hating the way happiness like that seemed so out of reach at the moment. Your therapist was working with you at the moment, something else that Armitage was paying for and it made your insides twist with guilt. 

“How are you getting on?” Poe asked, trying to make conversation and you smiled trying to act normal. The more he engaged you the easier it became, like you had to learn to be around people again. You laughed at something he said, surprising yourself with how normal you sounded, rubbing your eyes as you ended with a yawn. 

You rubbed your eyes again not believing what you were seeing when Phasma waltzed through the office like she owned the place. You sat up straighter and Poe turned to see what you’d spotted, letting out a curse that would have made a sailor blush. The meeting room door opened and everyone filed out with Hux and Kat last as they talked over some extra details. Poe knocked on the window and instantly your entire body went on high alert as all three of them looked up, Hux staring straight into your eyes but you couldn’t read him. Kat smiled and waved and Phasma swept into the meeting room with Hux disappearing in after her. 

Your heart was galloping so fast you barely acknowledged Kat as she skipped into the office to coo over the baby. She was talking but her words didn’t register until she said your name for maybe a third time. 

“I have to go.” Neither of them stopped you when you lurched for the buggy handle, steering the baby out of the office and back to the lift. You shouldn’t have come, you were so stupid to think….you didn’t know what you thought. The hubbub of the floor disappeared and you were cocooned in the quiet safety of the lift, giving into your flight feeling had you breathing hard in the small space. You needed sunlight, and space so as soon as those doors opened you headed to the park. 

Spring was giving way to summer and it shocked you how warm it was. Pippa still lay napping in her buggy and you were just taking a moment soaking up the sun, the gentle sound of outside washing over you making you feel nice and calm after the fuss of the office and seeing Hux and Phasma. 

“Hello stranger,” your eyes snapped open, instantly locking with a deep hazel gaze and your heart fluttered ridiculously hard in your chest. 

“Ben!” You sat up, your hand flying to the handle of the buggy in surprise. 

“Mind if I join you?” 

“Oh sure! How are you? How have you been?” You asked in an embarrassed rush. 

“Oh you know, this and that. How are you doing?” He asked, peering into the buggy. “You look good.” A giggle erupted from you followed by that annoying heat as it raced under your skin. 

“I don’t,” you replied. “I mean I showered.” His shoulder bumped yours and your heart almost fell out of your mouth it leapt so hard at the contact. 

“You look radiant,” you rolled your eyes and looked down the path still furiously flushing. 

“I’m sorry I dropped off the radar after…” my mental breakdown? You flinched when his long fingers gently gripped your chin turning you to look at him. 

“Hey, it's ok,” he whispered softly, his eyes lazily tracing your features. You found yourself leaning into him, his scent was intoxicating and it made your thoughts scatter to the corners of your mind. His gaze focussed on your lips for a moment making them tingle in anticipation but then he released you and leaned back on the bench and the world returned with a rush. “It was good to see you,” he said with a smile, giving you a glimpse of those dimples as they manifested in his cheeks. His hair was slightly longer than you remember but the raven colouring hadn’t changed and it just accentuated his features and the beautiful constellation of freckles that dotted his skin. 

“Are you going?” You asked, secretly not wanting him to go.

“I have to go and open the bar, there’s a delivery coming in,” he replied, finally standing up. 

“Oh ok.” You looked up just as he bent down, his large hand cupped the side of your face and he gently gave you a kiss on the cheek. Your heart accelerated to a shocking tempo and a flood of something you hadn’t felt for a long time filtered through your body, you wanted more. Before you knew what you were doing you turned your head and captured his lips with your own. To your delight he didn’t pull away, instead he exhaled warmly against your cheek and deepened the kiss, tipping your head back slightly. 

When he finally pulled away you felt almost dizzy, feeling his finger trail briefly over your bottom lip as you tried not to gasp fresh air into your lungs. 

“I want to take you out. I want to date you. Properly,” his voice was slightly gruff and you wondered why he still was interested in you after all this time. 

“Sure, yes. I’d like that too,” you told him. “Tonight?” 

“I can’t tonight as Kuruk has the night off but tomorrow I am free.” 

“Tomorrow. It’s a date,” you breathed. He smiled again, swooping down to give you a quick kiss before striding off towards the bar, hands in his pockets. He turned back one last time and you smiled at him, feeling an echo of happiness at last. 

You felt like you were on a cloud. Not even Pippa’s loud screams could shatter your happy bubble and you kept busy until she finally fell asleep in your arms. You glanced at your phone seeing it was gone 7pm and for the first time you wondered where Armitage was just as the door opened. 

You cast an eye over him noticing everything , the way his shirt was untucked, the lipstick on his collar, his buttons were done up wrong and you felt a flare of anger that someone….that woman had clearly had her hands all over him again. 

“Busy night?” You snapped harder than you’d intended and he ran a hand through his hair heading for the stairs. He couldn’t even look at you. 

“Something like that. I’ll get changed and cook some dinner?” 

“Don’t bother,” you said, getting up. “Not hungry.” Without a backwards glance you headed to the nursery, laying Pippa down and tucking her in before shutting yourself in your own room. Clutching your chest you stumbled on the way to the en-suite, your breath was shallow and you struggled to catch it. It hurt so badly, you thought he’d called it off with her, you thought… what did you think?? You were in the park this very afternoon kissing someone else? You grabbed that thought and cradled it to you. Yes you were, and you had a date. You were moving on, right? 

You washed and crawled into bed hating the way the ache seemed to permanently reside in your chest. Your therapist had mentioned you moving out and maybe, it was time. 

You fed Pippa in your room the next morning not wanting to see Hux and his guilty expression. You had tossed and turned all night, wrestling with your feelings for your ex husband and trying to hold onto your feelings with Ben. You needed to let Hux go. Completely. But that didn’t make it any easier to deal with, knowing just made it harder. 

When you finally emerged dressed and ready for the day you were surprised to see Hux laying on the sofa reading a book. He glanced up, a smile spreading over his face and he reached up for Pippa who was just as eager for him. You released her to his arms and made your way to the kitchen to wash up the bottle. Her giggles made you wince, she never giggled like that for you but then you didn’t really play with her you just fed her and got her to sleep. Armitage was the fun parent. 

“So I took the day off.”

“I gathered that,” you replied, trying not to let your feelings cloud your tone. 

“I thought we could have a day and watch Blue Planet two?” You ignored the flick of your insides. Taking a day off together and watching a David Attenborough series was a thing you used to do all the time. “I thought Pippa could get some education.” You rolled your eyes at the steriliser. 

“She’s 4 months old, Armitage.”

“Never too early to start learning.” Turning round you saw him kneeling over her as she lay on her tummy kicking at the floor and trying to reach for the toy he was holding. It was like a swift punch in the gut, seeing these moments kept dragging you back to your feelings and it was something that you could change. By moving out. 

“Sure I’ll give you a day,” you sighed, hating the way he smiled up at you. 

The day passed in a blur. You snacked together, chatted, took turns napping Pippa and feeding her, not noticing how the light dimmed outside until there came a knock at the door. You got up to answer it only for realisation to slam into you when Ben stood on the doorstep. 

“Oh. Oh shit I forgot.” He cocked an eyebrow at your greeting. “I’m so sorry! I can get ready right now!” 

“Who is it? Ah…” Hux got off the sofa holding Pippa who squealed at seeing you by the door. 

“I need to get changed…”

“You look fine,” Hux and Ben said at the same time. Both throwing a quick glare at each other. 

“If you’re sure,” you said gazing up at Ben while highly aware Hux was watching the whole interaction from behind you. Ben smiled down at you, reaching out to gently stroke your cheek before replying. 

“Yeah, come on.” 

“Ok!” You whirled round to find Hux had got closer and you kissed Pippa on the cheek, dodging her grabby hands as you whispered goodnight to her. Pulling on your coat you refused to look at Hux not wanting to see whatever emotion was rolling off him right now. After everything he’d said and done he had no right to ruin this for you. No right at all. Slipping your bag over your shoulder you gave one last wave to Pippa before closing the door behind you.

In the lift you let out a loud sigh only for Ben to slip his hand into yours, glancing up you saw his happy smile, the warmness of his gaze and those delicious dimples that made you almost swoon. 

“I’m sorry…” you started but Ben shook his head. 

“It’s ok. You’re here with me now and that’s all that matters,” he said with a quick squeeze of his hand. 

You couldn’t remember having this much fun with anyone before. He whisked you through London, his hand never letting go of yours. He gave you kisses whenever you stopped to look at anything, his deep voice was comforting and you never wanted him to stop talking. He took you to the cinema where you shared popcorn and watched a film that you’d been wanting to see. You ended up snuggled into his side feeling this close to him had you sighing with contentment. After the film he took you to a quiet pub and there you talked about anything and everything until 4 gin and tonics later you suggested you had to head back home. In all honesty you were so tired but you also didn’t want the date to end. 

You pressed the button for your floor when his arms encircled you pulling you into him so he could kiss you deeply. It became heated quickly and he pressed you against the wall of the lift, hooking your leg around him dragging a soft groan from you as he rutted gently into you. His lips kissed their way down your throat igniting a fire inside you as you clutched him close to you. 

“Ben!” You whispered as the doors opened, thankfully no one was waiting on the other side. He groaned out of frustration, leaning his forehead against yours. 

“Next time I’m cooking you dinner at my place,” he whispered. His hand exploring your features, his thumb delicately swiping over your parted lips. 

“Yes,” you murmured. “Let’s do that.” You managed to move away from him, backing out of the lift and biting your lip like you could still feel him touching you. His fierce gaze didn’t leave you, unspoken promises were written all over his face until the doors finally closed and you were free to head back to the apartment.

Slipping your key in the lock you quietly opened the door only to find the lights were still on. Hux turned at the sound of you coming in, his expression unreadable but you felt his eyes on you. Noticing everything about you the same that you did with him the night before. 

“Is she asleep?” You asked, hanging up your coat and bag and trying to sound normal and not the horny mess you were after that kiss in the lift. 

“About an hour ago she went down.”

“Why are you still up?” You made your way to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the fridge. 

“Just wanted to make sure you got home ok.” Oh. Oh no. Your head was swimming, your emotions were tangled together in a big knot and you didn’t know how to separate them. Ben had just left you yearning for more but your body was reacting to Hux’s closeness as he stepped into the kitchen. Don’t look at him. You kept your eyes on the bottle as he grabbed his own standing next to you as he drank. “Did you have fun?” 

“Mmhmmm.”

“We’re having a book launch party, you should bring him.” Your head snapped up. He leaned easily on the kitchen island picking the label off his bottle so he didn’t have to look at you. 

“Why?” 

“Phasma will be there…” you nodded, thankful for the cold water effect that name had on you. 

“Yeah I’ll ask him if he can get the night off. Night Armitage.” 

“Goodnight.” Heading to your room you left him in the kitchen. Allowing yourself a small smile at the thought of taking Ben to a work function. This could be the first step away from Hux and the next could be moving out. 

Chapter Text

The venue had high ceilings and large paintings on the walls. Ben’s hand was warm on your back as you both entered the echoey area, champagne in hand. Your dress was form fitting on the top with a sweetheart neckline, flowing from your hips in a fluttering wave of chiffon every time you moved. Your skin peeked through the slit and Ben had already had his hands running up and down your leg in the taxi. Claiming he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself but he said he’d try to behave. 

You saw Armitage in his suit, ignoring the faint flip of your stomach at the sight of Phasma leaning all over him, both of them laughing at something someone had said. What did you care? You had the tallest man in the room crowding your back, his eyes stripping you every time he even so much as glanced at you. This was the first time you’d seen him since your first proper date and this week had dragged. You and Hux had been like passing ships all week just talking when it pertained to Pippa or work and nothing else. He’d even got ready for this event at work leaving you to set Pippa up with the babysitter. 

You smiled and made your way over to Poe and Kat who both eyed Ben over your shoulder. 

“You look amazing!” Exclaimed Kat as Poe kissed your cheek. 

“You too!” And she did in a deep emerald green number, Poe’s arm went possessively round her waist before he acknowledged Ben with a grim smile. You all made small talk for a few minutes before Kat led you away with a firm hand. 

“You didn’t tell me Ben was coming.” 

“Well I thought it would be obvious,” she sputtered indignantly beside you. 

“How? I’ve barely heard from you all week!” You looked up at a huge painting of a summery meadow, disliking the way it made you feel. 

“I’ve been busy. How’s work been? I feel so out of touch.” 

“Oh Hux has been a moody asshole. How’s it been at the apartment?” You shrugged. 

“Fine.” She sighed heavily, her eyes roaming over the room before she spoke again. 

“Is it hard? Seeing him like this?” 

“No. We have moved on.” You didn’t really want to talk about this, about him. Not now, not ever. 

“How can you move on when you’re in each other’s pockets all the time?” Hissed Kat moving closer to you as people came to admire the painting you were standing in front of. You glared at it, despising the bright colours and the way it reminded you of the meadow up at the Hux estate. 

“We have an understanding. We are just trying to be parents for Pippa. But…” should you tell her? The last time you told Kat something you didn’t want anyone else to know she told Hux. 

“But?” She interrupted your thoughts and you turned away. “You can’t not tell me!” 

“I’m thinking of moving out,” you whispered to her. Her eyes studied you closely as you watched Hux over her shoulder. It felt easy to say it, a new chapter for you and Pippa and Ben.  

“He doesn’t know.” 

“No he doesn’t and in all honesty I have no idea how he’s going to react. I thought…I thought we had a chance but I need to let go.” Tears threatened to fall but you swallowed them down, your gaze sliding to Ben who was watching you with concern written all over his face. You smiled to reassure him but you weren’t sure it did the job. 

“Well you know you’re welcome with me any time.”

“That’s nice. But I need my own space. I need to be on my own for a while before I think about taking the next step with anyone else.” 

“You mean Ben,” she pointed out and you shrugged. 

“Could be Ben might be someone else. I’m just taking each day as it comes,” you smiled widely as Ben and Poe approached. Gravitating to the bigger man and slipping under his arm as he pulled you close. He steered you away from your friends under the guise of looking at the table of books laid out. 

“You ok?” He rumbled and you nodded. 

“Yeah, just catching up with Kat. I haven’t seen her for a while.” You looked up at him, grateful for him at your side this evening. Turning you faced him, pulling a little on his tie and he leaned into you easily. His lips were warm and you exhaled softly, placing a hand on his chest and pushing him back before he got carried away. “More of that later,” you said with a smirk and he almost growled in annoyance. 

“If I had my way,” he whispered into your ear. “I’d have you over this table right now.” Heat seared under your skin and you wildly cast your gaze over his shoulder in an effort to try and concentrate on something else only for them to fall on Hux. He was watching you both with a dark gaze, his fingers tightening on his glass and you thought if he squeezed it any harder it would shatter. 

Your attention was pulled away by someone else and you began to work the room, Ben being your perpetual shadow as he trailed after you until your phone buzzed in your bag and you fumbled for it. Seeing the babysitter's number you side stepped away from the group with a swift apology. 

“Is everything alright?” You didn’t even say hello and before she could reply you heard the screams in the background. 

“Hi Mrs Hux sorry to ring you but I can’t get her to stop crying.” Your jaw tightened at the name that wasn’t yours anymore but that thought fled at the sound of your daughter's utter distress. She was screaming. It was so loud and so piercing you didn’t know what to do except go to her. A brief touch on your arm made you look up into Ben’s resigned face. 

“Go I’ll be fine,” he whispered. 

“Are you sure?” He nodded and instantly you began to head for the exit. “Sadie, I’m coming back. I'll be about 10 minutes ok?” 

“I’m sorry to ruin your evening, usually I can cope with this but she’s really not accepting me putting her to bed.” 

“It’s ok I won’t be long.” You shut off the call, half running for the exit with the intention of getting a taxi when Hux appeared beside you. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Pippa won’t settle for the babysitter so I need to go…”

“I can drive you.” You didn’t even have it in you to argue. You didn’t care about the event or the fact that both of you were leaving your dates behind, your daughter needed you. 

The Range Rover roared under Hux’s heavy foot and he got you back to the apartment in less than 10 minutes. You chewed the skin on your finger while Hux fidgeted angrily with his suit jacket, both of you silently watching the lights as they moved closer to the top floor. The pair of you erupted from the lift, Hux opening the front door to the flat but letting you in first, the babysitter almost cried with relief when she saw you both. All you could see was your daughter, her face tight from screaming, her eyes wet with tears and her voice ragged. She cried out, stretching her arms to you and snuggling into your neck. 

You made shushing noises, dumping your bag on the sofa and heading to the nursery where it was dark and quiet. She whimpered, curling her hands around your neck as she tried to grab onto you tightly. She was asleep within minutes but you waited, rocking in the chair almost not wanting to put her down as you rubbed her back. Everything else was forgotten as you sat wrapped in your warm cocoon with your child, finally experiencing all the things you’d heard so much about. The rush of love and worry nearly stole your breath away, the desire to keep her close every second of everyday filled you up and you clutched her even tighter to your body. She was so small and soft, she smelled like talc and daisies, her warmth bled through the blanket she was wrapped in and you traced the squished up features of her face. The void that had been inside you for so long was suddenly filled with a rush of love and affection that had your heart swelling. 

Tipping your head back you let the emotion spill from you, sitting there in your stunning dress as you held your precious daughter in your arms. This is where you wanted to be, just here holding her forever. 

“I wasted so much time,” you sobbed quietly. “I’m sorry.” Getting up you gently lay her in the cot, reaching down to tuck her in before leaving and pulling the door too. You wiped your face hoping your makeup wasn’t too smudged, shaking your arms out you steeled yourself to face the babysitter and head back to the event. Only she wasn’t there, just Hux standing awkwardly in his own living room, the baby monitor sat on the coffee table. 

“Did Sadie leave?” You asked, trying to ignore the waver in your voice that you couldn’t control. 

“Yeah I told her to go.” 

“I’ll stay here with Pippa. Can you just let Ben know what happened.” He moved but it wasn’t to leave. He slipped his suit jacket off, undoing his tie with a flourish and his top button before heading over to pour a drink. 

“I’ll stay.” Was all he said, downing the first glass and then pouring a second. 

“What about Pha…the event?” He shrugged, again it was alien on him, this man had a verbal answer for everything. 

“It was nearly over anyway.” Lie. You knew more than most how long these things went on for. 

“Can I have one?” He looked up in surprise at your request. “Talking to so many people and barely finishing my champagne has left me thirsty.” He obliged, moving to stand with you as you both sipped the amber liquid in silence. 

“So how’s things with…” he waved a hand between you clearly not wanting to finish his sentence. 

“Ben.” He necked more whiskey at the sound of his name. “Yeah good. He’s a nice guy, stupid for waiting around for me for so long.” 

“Why?” You swilled your glass, the aroma of the whiskey tickling your nostrils. 

“I don’t know. I’m not worth waiting for I suppose.” 

“Clearly that’s not how he sees it.” The silence stretched between you, a chill alighted on your skin but it had nothing to do with the temperature. “The question is whether he is worthy of you.” 

“Oh. And who makes that judgement? You? Poe?” He looked deep into his glass but you could read him like a book right now, the way his jaw flexed you knew he was holding back. Maybe it was time for this conversation. 

“You need to let me go, Armitage. You’re the one that encouraged me to go on a date with him,” you pointed out.

“But then I saw him with you, I saw the way you looked at him, the way you used to look at me.” Your eyes widened, not expecting him to say that at all. 

“Right so you’re jealous?” 

“No, I don’t know. Maybe!”

“If you can’t have me no one can, right?” You turned away clenching your fist. “You get to have Phasma whenever you want, so why can’t I have the same?” You sat down heavily, your dress billowing around you. “It hurts me the way we’re doing this, Armitage.” You smiled through the tears and shrugged slightly avoiding his gaze that was fixed on your face. “I don’t know what else to say, but I think it’s time.” 

“Time? Time for what?” He asked hesitantly.

“For me and Pippa to move out,” you whispered. 

“Out of the question,” he snapped, standing abruptly. Your body folded in on itself, the pain ignited within you causing the tears to finally fall. 

“I can’t keep doing this!” You sobbed. 

“What?” He snarled. “What exactly am I making you do?” He swept his hand to encompass the room. “Making you live in a nice house? Giving you everything you need? That, she needs? You know our daughter!” 

“Armitage…” groaning his name, your head in your hand as you clawed at your scalp. “Please…”

“No, no I won’t, I cannot accept this.”

“You can’t keep me here!” You shouted, finally finding the strength to move. 

“You’re not a prisoner!” He spat. 

“You don’t want me!” Your hands clutched your dress as though stuffing all your pain back inside. “You want Pippa, but not me, so I will move out and you can have her whenever you like! You are hurting me, Armitage.” 

“How am I hurting you? All I’m doing is trying to support you, look after you both.” 

“I can’t be around you, not like this, it's too painful. The memories, the….I want us back,” you finally confessed. “I miss us and living here with you just screams at me, reminding me what we can’t have.” 

“You can’t just leave, you can’t just take her from me?” 

“I’m not…” you buried your face in your hands. “I’d never….I just…” you could feel the revelation of your feelings coming to the forefront ready to burst free. You were so tired of keeping your feelings stuffed into a box, it was a constant drain that you didn’t need. Sweeping a hand up over your own hair you looked at him, the tears falling as you opened your mouth. “Everything we’ve ever done and said sits deep inside me, I can’t shift it, I can’t erase our honeymoon, I can’t forget the way we made love for the first time in our apartment. We had two kids, we went through trauma and joy and sadness and life! I don’t know how it’s so easy for you to just wipe all that away, how you could forget it with a click of your fingers.” His expression twisted as you spoke and he snapped harshly at you, but you’d take it. You’d said your piece, your soul was laid out bare for him to stamp all over. 

“I haven’t forgotten!” he started. “You’re always so ready to make me out to be the villain in all this, I feel just as deeply as you! You’re the love of my life!” His sudden confession stunned you into silence, he’d never said those words before even when you were together. Of course he said he loved you, not very often but it was there. Never though, had he called you the one love of his life. Armitage took a step back as though he surprised himself, a nervous hand running through his bright hair but the silence continued to grow between you, the words hanging unclaimed in the void and you weren’t sure what to do. Did you reciprocate? You wanted to, but so much had happened. Could you come back from this? You began to edge towards your room, turning abruptly leaving him standing helplessly in the living room. Shutting your door you started to pace your heart racing as you tried to digest what was happening.

You stopped looking up when your bedroom door opened. He slipped in, closing it softly behind him, his eyes unreadable as he pinned you with his stare. Your hands twisted together, itching to touch him, to run over his chest and remember the way he felt underneath them. 

“What are you doing?” You managed to whisper through the tightening of your throat. 

“I don’t know,” he replied honestly. Your heart pummelled against your ribs increasing erratically with each hesitant step he took until he was close enough, his toes nudging your own. You looked down, seeing his feet either side of yours, the black shoes so smart as always, the perfectly hemmed black trousers, impeccable. His cologne was faint but you could smell it, mingled with the smell of his skin and the fever increased, pricking you like a thousand needles. His hand came up to ghost over your arm, his head dipping to your level making you look up from the floor. His nose was warm pressed into your cheek, the smell of the whiskey he’d been drinking tainted his breath and you remembered the way he tasted on your tongue. 

Your eyes squeezed shut, you were losing the battle between your heart and your mind, this shouldn’t be happening, he shouldn’t be here but the need to feel loved and needed by him was almost overwhelming. His face moved, his lips parted as he seeked your consent, his mouth hovering over yours letting the tension build. You bit your lower lip, flinching slightly when he trailed a thumb in the slim gap between your mouths, a tingling started in the wake of his touch and the barrier melted away between you. 

Your mouths crashed together, his hand cupping your face pulling you closer. It felt so right, his lips melded against yours, his tongue in your mouth felt like home and you started shedding your clothes. Your skin was erupting in flames as the passion increased in his movements. He kicked his shoes off and started on his belt as you scrabbled with his shirt buttons, your mouths still connected in a dance you knew off by heart. His trousers fell to the floor, the belt making a clanking noise and his hands were back on your half undressed body. He tried to pull the fabric off but it got stuck and you gasped against him as he yanked it. He snarled in frustration and the sound of ripping material rendered the air so it fell away from your body. 

“I’ll buy you a new one,” he huffed in apology. But you didn’t care. His skin was smooth and heated against yours, his lips caressed that sweet spot on your neck, his large hands splayed across your back as he crushed you tightly in his embrace. You moaned when he nibbled the sensitive spot with his teeth before gently biting down in the way he knew you liked. He walked backward to your bed, bringing you with him, his hands hooking your thighs over his lap as he sat down. You grabbed his face, running a hand through his soft hair as you groaned desperately into his mouth, rocking your hips against his obvious arousal. 

“Oh god I need you!” He moaned against your lips. “I’ve always needed you.” 

“You always had me,” you whispered back, snatching a breath when he gripped the back of your neck. His green eyes were blown wide, his pupils dark and dilating as he really looked at you. 

“Have I got you now?” His words caught slightly when he spoke. 

“Yes,” you breathed, leaning forward to bite his bottom lip. His hand released the back of your neck, sliding down your shoulders to release the fastening on your bra. You pushed him down onto the covers, shrugging yourself out of the straps, rolling your hips with your hands spreading his shirt open. He watched you, dragging his hands up your sides to feel every inch of skin he could touch. His thumb ghosting over the curve of your breast, his gaze roaming over your moving form before he closed his eyes. You dragged yourself up his length, falling forward slightly with your mouth open as his tip rubbed your clit in just the right way. 

“Are you just gonna tease me?” He snarled, lifting his head off the bed slightly and you saw the blush creeping over his chest. You bent down to kiss his chest, licking your way up to his neck. 

“Tell me what you want,” you mumurmed. His fingers dug into your sides and before you knew it you were on your back. He ripped your underwear off, hastily coming back to you with an aggressive kiss as he slipped his own pants off. You could sense the urgency he had for you, it made your heart beat harder and your insides clench. 

A rough moan was ripped from your chest when he cupped your sopping cunt, groaning loudly with his head resting on your chest as he slipped two fingers deep inside you. The walls of your cunt fluttered, gripping and releasing in quick succession, until he eased another finger inside you making you both gasp at the sensation. You held onto him, moving your hips trying to get some friction off his hand to begin winding that coil inside you. You released a guttural groan when he moved, slowly sliding out only to shove his fingers back inside you making your legs spread to give him better access. 

“I can’t wait…” he confessed in a hurry, withdrawing completely, making your cunt clench on air before he positioned himself at your entrance. He leaned over you, caging you against the covers but you needed him closer. You pulled his face towards you, plunging your tongue into his mouth as he started entering you. The tip of his cock split you, making your cunt cater for his size, the slickness of your desire helping him bottom out easily inside you. He felt amazing, buried so deep inside creating that ache as he filled you completely. Your hands moved down to grip his ass trying to get him even deeper, putting that perfect pressure on your clit. 

His hand cupped your face as he began to move, rocking into you with subtle movements that touched all the right places making pleasure explode through your body. Your hands gripped the crease between his ass and his thigh, urging him to keep going. Your mouths were open as cries of ecstasy spilled from you both, panting over each other’s faces in desperation. It was fast and needy, you had both been denying yourselves for so long it made the experience even more intense. You felt that coil winding, tightening, getting ready to snap and release in one go. 

“I can’t…” he gasped loudly. “You’re so soft, you feel so good,” he moaned, closing his eyes trying to stop himself from cumming first. But you were lost swept up in the wave of your orgasm as it crashed over you. You mindlessly screamed his name unravelling beneath him, your fingers digging in harshly to the back of his legs urging him even deeper as you brought your legs up his sides, your toes curling almost painfully from the intensity of it. You felt the pressure of him inside you, throbbing with each pump as he painted your insides, his body trembling telling you he had finally come as undone as you. 

Both your chests heaved as you tried to regulate your breathing, still riding that post orgasmic wave and enjoying the little aftershocks you gave each other. You gently ran a hand through his red hair enjoying the way he was laying on you, feeling the dampness of his exertion at his roots and noticing you were pretty sweaty yourself. You stared at the ceiling, a nasty feeling began to creep up on you. Here you were tangled up in a sweaty embrace with your ex husband and both of you had left people at the launch. 

“Get off me,” you gasped and he moved quickly. You slipped from the bed, taking the sheet to cover your body. Neither of you said a word as you disappeared into the en-suite. You covered your mouth with a shaking hand, still tasting him in your mouth. You could feel him between your legs, his hands on your body, his desperation for you. It was everything you wanted and yet you felt like you were right back to square one. 

“I can’t do this!” You sobbed to yourself. If he turned around after this and said he didn’t want you, it would utterly destroy you all over again. Like setting fire to a book, the pages curling as they disintegrated into ash, the words blurring and disappearing. He’d eradicate who you were and you would have let him. 

Chapter Text

You washed your face, wishing you’d brought some clothes in with you rather than just a sheet. Would he even still be in your bed? Maybe he just took your abrupt exit as a sign for him to leave too. Groaning you held onto the edge of the sink, trying not to wallow in those feelings you’d fought so long to banish. You had to face him. Taking a deep breath you quickly wrenched the door open only for the light to flood over the empty tousled sheets. 

Disappointment crippled you. Of course he’d leave, you didn’t think why it would be different. Your torn dress was still on the floor but his clothes were gone, like it never happened. Except it had. And you were going to have this out with him. Yanking on some pyjamas you could feel the anger growing inside with each jerky movement, the audacity?? How dare he just up and leave and not want to talk to you about this? You refused to let him do this to you all over again, even if you had to move out right fucking now. 

You pulled your door open storming into the living area only to come to a sudden stop. 

“Oh, I was going to bring it to you.” Hux was standing there with a tray, two cups of tea and some cookies in his hands. 

“Oh. I-I didn’t know.” He had got redressed but his shirt was undone, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and you saw you’d actually marked his pale skin with your nails. 

“We can have it here,” he said, changing tact and putting it on the coffee table between the sofas. You were out of your depth, you didn’t know what to say so you grabbed the nearest cup and instantly scalded your mouth. You refused to tell him as tears sprang unbidden to your eyes. Shit, that was going to hurt for days . 

“We should probably….”

“Talk?” He offered, finishing your sentence. 

“I can move out, it’s no problem. Kat can put me up until I can afford a place and I…and I…” you were floundering in your own words. 

“What makes you think you’re moving out?” 

“Because….” He cocked an eyebrow and you swallowed then wished you hadn’t because everything about your mouth was sore. “If you regret what just happened I can move out right now.” You said in a heated rush, staring firmly at your cup of tea as you waited for his reply. He sighed, putting his cup down and rubbing his face, running a hand through his hair to the back of his neck. 

“You think I regret it?” 

“It’s ok if you do.” 

“Do you?” No….yes? No. Did you? 

“I don’t….think so?” He let out a soft laugh, leaning forward on his knees. You hated how attractive he looked in this moment, with his rolled up sleeves, his undone shirt, the marks you had made on his chest. 

“I’m going to be honest. I didn’t expect it.” 

“Me neither,” you agreed quietly. 

“But I don’t for one second regret it.” You dared to glance at him, his green eyes burning into your own and you didn’t see a hint of that look from before the divorce. There was no regret, no shame, no hesitancy. Just the man you had fallen in love with for most of your life. 

“Armitage…” 

“If you do, I'll back off. You can move out. I won't try and keep you anymore. I won’t stop you.” He covered his face with his hands and you heard him sigh again. You put your cup down, sliding off the sofa you shuffled towards him, carefully you pulled his hands away and he let you. You reached to cup his face and he leaned into your touch, his eyes searching your face. 

“I don’t want you to back off. I don’t want to move out. I never wanted us to end, Armitage. Our story has many, many more pages that need writing.” He tipped forward and captured your lips in a gentle kiss, his hand snaking up behind your head to pull you closer. When he pulled away he wiped your cheeks and you took the time to wipe his. His gaze devoured you, like he couldn’t get enough and he was committing every millimetre of your face to his memory. 

“I love you.” He whispered, a little hitch in his throat when he spoke. “I never stopped and I’m sorry if you believed I did.” 

“What are we going to do?” He frowned slightly. 

“About?” You didn’t want to say their names, to ruin this very delicate thread that was rebuilding between you. He closed his eyes as he realised who you were talking about. “Can we deal with that tomorrow? I just—want to be with you and not think about anything else.” 

“Ok,” you whispered. Taking his hand you both stood, without another word you led him back to your bedroom. You thought he’d protest or tell you his bed was better but he just accepted what was comfortable for you. Settling down under the covers you nestled into his side, breathing him in as you lay alongside him. 

“I never stopped loving you either,” you mumbled. He shifted slightly, curling his arms around you in a tight embrace and you felt the most content you had in months. But still that doubt niggled at your mind that this was square one all over again. 

You didn’t sleep, even hearing Armitage snoring softly next to you, or his warm embrace that had fallen away as he relaxed could not bring you to the edge of sleep. Weeks worth of events were playing on your mind and finally Pippa made the tiniest noise giving you the excuse you needed to slip out from the bed. 

You went through the motions of making a bottle, jigging your daughters comfortable weight in your arms as you waited for the milk. She’d been on food really soon and the thought frightened you. She was growing so damn fast, now with the clock gone it felt like time had sped up and each second wasn’t accounted for anymore. Not that you’d want a clock again, you weren’t ready for that. 

You thought about taking Pippa back to your bed as it was just 4am but instead you held her in your arms, looking out over the sleeping city as the light of dawn rose. Streaks of pale pink and peach filled the sky mingled with a rich blue and you found yourself falling in love with the view all over again. It reminded you of when you and Armitage came to buy the flat, the view had sealed the deal for both of you. You looked over your shoulder, biting your lip wondering if you would ever look at this flat as home again. Sure it had memories of Albie and Pippa, of your marriage but it also had bad ones. That odious woman charging in here shouting the odds, inwardly you groaned. Would the pair of you ever be rid of her? Would she keep trying to get her claws into your husband and he had fallen many times before, what made this any different? You were married last time and it still didn’t stop him. 

Heaving Pippa up onto your shoulder she gurgled happily as you patted her back dragging a huge burp from her that made you smile. His hands curled around your ear, her heavy snuffling filled your mind as she dragged her milky mouth across your cheek. 

“Pippa,” you giggled. “That tickles.” She made a whiny noise, desperately trying to suck on your cheek. You pulled out her mat and some toys, leaving her to chew on them as she crooned happily. You washed the bottle and started making a coffee. Your phone buzzed and you frowned at who would be messaging you this early. To your surprise it was Ben. 

I’m guessing you got caught up with the kid after neither you nor Hux came back to the event. Hope she’s ok. Talk soon. 

You read the message twice before throwing your phone down in annoyance. You inhaled the scent of your coffee, looking at Pippa as she rolled around, kicking her little legs. Automatically you reached for your phone. 

Yes we did get caught up. She is fine now though. Are you free today for a coffee? 

The reply was almost instant. 

Yes. 10am at costa? 

For a moment you wondered how he’d even be functioning at that time but then he was used to staying up late with his job. 

See you then. 

You saw he read it but he didn’t reply. Maybe he guessed at what happened? You clicked on a message from Kat who gave you a very boring account of the evening and she asked if everything was alright with Pippa as you and Hux left in such a hurry and didn’t come back. 

Damn. Everyone noticed you didn’t come back. Her message went on to say Phasma spent half the night buried in her phone before storming out clearly annoyed that she’d been ditched. Kat didn’t ask if anything happened but you knew your best friend well enough to read between the lines. Your first thought was you didn’t want to tell anyone, keeping this secret close to your chest and let it grow of its own accord without anyone interfering but you knew you had to tell Ben and deal with the whirlwind that was Phasma. 

You shoved your hands in your pockets as you headed to the coffee shop, Kat had luckily agreed to look after Pippa while you did this as Hux was at work. He’d kissed you before he left but otherwise you’d just made him a coffee before he dashed from the apartment, so he had no idea what you were doing today. Walking in you got your usual and a piece of tiffin taking a table near the back, not good if you needed a quick exit but also you’d rather not draw attention to yourself. 

Ben arrived shortly after, slipping in the chair in front of you, his expression downcast. His legs were so long you had to shift so they didn’t touch if he noticed he didn’t say anything. 

“Did you enjoy the event?” You finally managed to ask as his leg jumped with nerves under the table. 

“Yeah it was great. Kid ok?” He sounded gruffer today but looked like he’d had enough sleep. 

“She is now.” You both took a sip of coffee and you began to cut up your tiffin letting the noise of the place fill the silence between you for a moment. “I need to talk to you.” He huffed, leaning back in his seat as he toyed with his mug. “Last night….”

“Something happened.” 

“Yes.” 

“With him?” 

“Yes.” You wanted to apologise, you wanted to explain it had nothing to do with him but he was downing his coffee already. “We should…”

“No we shouldn’t,” he snapped with a deep rumble. Standing and shoving his chair with his legs. “I waited and waited and then we finally got somewhere and you go back to your ex.” He snorted, running a hand down the stubble along his jawline. “Yeah I’m done.” You didn’t stop him. Watching his tall figure disappear out the door you let out a breath you didn’t realise you’d been holding. You finished your tiffin and made your way back slowly to the flat wanting to enjoy some peace before you went to pick up Pippa. You gravitated to the nursery, gathering some laundry and piling it by the closed door. You made her bed, straightening the covers and setting her cuddly toys just right. You wiped down the change mat before sitting in the chair and just taking a moment. Here you allowed yourself to remember Albie, to imagine he was here too watching over his sister like a big brother should. 

A loud bang made you jump as the front door flew open and you scurried to the door, your hand on the handle when you heard a voice and you froze. 

“What are you saying?” Phasma demanded as soon as the front door opened.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hux replied, he sounded weary and beaten down. 

“All you do is talk about her like—like you still love her!” Phasma whined and instantly the hairs on your arms rose. 

“I respect her. She is the mother of my child.” You blinked and looked up at the ceiling knowing you shouldn’t be listening to this right now but also annoyed that he didn’t just come out and say he did love you. 

“I cannot compete with that. You respect her so much more than you do me. What am I to you? Just giving you what she won’t?”

“Phasma…” his tone held a warning and you knew the woman needed to stop. You’d heard this tone before. 

“Won’t she open her legs for you Armitage?” Even you inhaled sharply at the comment but all you could hear was him shouting. 

“Would you SHUT UP!” He bellowed suddenly. “She is so much more to me than that. She is my equal and my best friend. I’ve known her for most of my life and I will not have her spoken about like that.” You heard his shoes on the tiles and you knew he was pacing the floor now, no doubt running a hand through his hair in agitation. 

“So what are you saying? You do, don’t you? You still love her?” You pressed your ear firmly against the door but all you could hear was your own pulse as it roared in your ear. “Would you answer me!!” She screeched. 

“I do!” His answer was abrupt and loud, you could imagine him leaning heavily against the kitchen island, his hands splayed widely as he tried to keep control of his anger. 

“Then what the hell have we been doing this whole time? Was I just a stop gap for you? Something to fill the lonely nights with when the women you really wanted wouldn’t have you?” 

“It’s not like that…” he groaned.

“It’s exactly like that!!” She cried.

“No! I never…I divorced her. ”

“But why if you still love her?” 

“Because she deserved better!” The silence rang out after his confession, you had to put a hand over your mouth to stop the cry that wanted to spill from you. Tears filled your eyes, watering down your vision as you hugged yourself, he’d never told you this before. “She didn’t deserve what I did or how I treated her. I couldn’t let her go. We still shared a bed and so I decided to cut everything off. If I ended it and divorced her, then everything would just stop.”

“You were sleeping with both of us?” She sounded surprised but you had already known this, trying to ignore the rising disgust that grew in stomach at hearing those words again. 

“I—yes.” You jumped slightly at the sound of something smashing. “Phasma! Stop it!” A loud smash sounded again.

“You told me it was over!” She screeched. 

“It was!” You heard the slap from where you were, your heart jumping and skipping a beat that someone would lay a hand on him like that. Knowing his history it broke you inside and it took all your self control not to race out there and defend him. 

“You’re a liar! I love you Armitage and you used me.” Her heels clicked harshly over the broken crockery. “We are done. Over. I hope she continues to see you for who you really are and she realises that, yeah. She is too good for you.” The front door slammed, rocking in the frame and the unnatural quiet filled the flat. You weren’t sure if you should move or stay pressed against the door. An ache began in your chest and finally you remembered to breathe, taking a shuddery breath you leaned against the door. 

“You can come out now.” Opening the nursery door you paused at the corner, seeing him sitting on the sofa. 

“How did you know I was even here?” He pointed to the monitor. Right. 

“We rarely turn it off.” He winced, dabbing at his lip and for the first time you saw the blood oozing from his lip. You went to the kitchen and grabbed a sheet of kitchen roll, stepping over the broken mugs and approaching him slowly. It hurt you to see he was trembling slightly and you felt a fresh flush of hatred for that woman. Gingerly you placed a hand on his shoulder which he flinched at even though he knew you of all people would never lay a hand on him like that. 

“Let me,” you whispered, falling to your knees. He wouldn’t look at you, his pupils were blown wide, his hands gripping each other tightly as though trying to keep a tight hold on himself. “Armitage, you’re bleeding.” He already knew that, but it was dripping onto his shirt. He barely moved, just tilting his face so you could dab his lip carefully. The bruise was coming up on the corner of his mouth and you ground your teeth harshly. You’d felt like this when Brendol was alive, wanting to hunt down and hurt anyone that laid a finger on this man before you. 

“I deserved it.” 

“No one deserves to be hit, Armitage,” you told him firmly. 

“Well this one I did,” he took the kitchen roll off you and got up. Stepping around you he slowly made his way upstairs to change. 

You felt agitated, he wasn’t entirely at fault here you both had caused this to happen. Dragging other people into your mess because the pair of you refused to work together. So now you had to suffer the consequences and hoped that it would all right itself in the end. 

Chapter Text

You stood outside the house. You knew it well, too well. Paint flaked off the window frames, the glass was grimy on the outside, the front garden overgrown and unkempt. It wasn’t always like this, you remembered the days when the paint was fresh and flowers bloomed in the raised beds but that was when your mother was alive. When life was good, and you had no troubles except staying out too long with Poe and getting grounded. Then your mother just wasn’t there anymore, ripped from your life by something none of you saw coming and your father spiralled into a pit of drink. But soon that wasn’t enough for him and he turned to drugs, always needing his next fix to erase his feelings. That’s when Shara and Kes had taken you in, offering you a safe space to grow and be nurtured in. How you passed your exams at school and moved onto college and University still surprises you today but it wasn’t because of your father. 

The sun was warm on your back but you tugged your light jacket around you sensing a deep chill in your soul that had nothing to do with the weather. Hux had told you not to come, he was worried about how this would affect you but it needed doing. You had to see the house for yourself. Poe had offered to come with you knowing more than anyone the tears you had spilled but you refused. This was something you needed to do alone. 

Stepping up the path, trying to ignore the dread that clawed at your mind the closer you got to the house. The tightening in your chest threatened to steal your breath but you powered through, refusing to give in to the panic. You knocked out of habit, hearing it echo through the house and you waited a beat before fishing around for your keys. A man you didn’t recognise answered the door, he had a kind smile and soft eyes, dressed in a carers uniform. 

“I wasn’t expecting anyone here,” you blurted out. 

“Oh?”

“Are you from the home?” You asked, still trying to figure out why someone was in this, supposed to be, empty house. 

“Oh. He didn’t tell you?” He asked. 

“Who are you?” The demand fell roughly from you as you tried to get an explanation out of him. 

“Apologies, I am your fathers carer. He left the home almost a year ago now choosing to spend his last days in his own house.” Your brain wouldn’t engage, a whole year ago? So where was your money going??

“I don’t understand,” you replied and he stepped aside. 

“Come in, he’d love to see you.” Your body moved as though it had a mind of its own, stepping into the hallway you saw the boxes stacked neatly against the wall. The furniture was gone and your boots echoed loudly against the exposed floorboards. Turning you headed into the living room, the sofas were gone and a huge hospital bed was in its place. A tv sat against the wall, dusty and unused, the net curtains were stained from years of tobacco abuse and the lingering smell of old smoke tainted your nostrils. 

Machines beeped, a large oxygen tank was attached to the back of the bed and that’s when your eyes fell onto the pale skinned, frail man in the bed. His facial hair was grey and wiry with age, his eyes yellowed and sunken into his face giving him a skeletal appearance. To your shock he smiled when he saw you, your name whispered from him with joy and you moved closer, curling your fingers around the rail at the base of the bed. 

“Dad,” you replied stiffly. “Why aren’t you in the home I pay for?” His smile faltered slightly at your briskness. 

“I am grateful for your help and support.” You flinched at the sound of his voice, the once roaring drunk with the booming voice who had hollered at you everytime you left the house was now so faint and whispery.  

“Yeah well I don’t do it for you,” you grumbled slightly, moving over to the window. 

“You look well.” You smirked at his comment, if only he knew what you’d been through all these years. “I know.” You turned sharply, frowning heavily. “Kes visited me not long ago,” your father confessed.

“Of course he did.” 

“I know you have a child. I have a granddaughter. Can I see her?” 

“I don’t think you have the right to ask me that, do you?” You had wanted to find the house empty, to sell it and close this chapter of your life but your father had ruined that completely. He started coughing, a dry cough that grew deeper when it was evident he couldn’t stop. The carer who’s name you didn’t know came in, putting the mask over your fathers face and telling him to breathe. 

“You should tell her Arch,” you heard him murmur but your father waved him away. 

“Tell me what exactly?” The carer didn’t take his eyes off your father and they glared at each other for a few beats before his milky gaze turned back on you. 

“This young upstart wants me to tell you I have cancer. Throat cancer or whatever. He thinks you’ll go softer on me and I told…I told him…” another coughing fit thundered through his body and you waited patiently for him to finish. “I told him that he clearly didn’t know you.” You have a wry smile at his words, he was right. Your sympathy was hard coming for this man. “Here,” he pulled an envelope from under his pillow and threw it to the end of the bed, frowning you took it carefully in your hands. 

“What’s this?” 

“Since I moved back here I saved up every penny you gave me and put it in an account in your name.” Ripping the paper you took out the slips of paper, sifting through then you saw he was telling the truth and your eyes widened at the final amount. 

“Are you telling me that while I have been relying on the rent Kat gave to me you’ve just been squirreling this away? Money that I needed at the time?” 

“Pipe down girl, I have no inheritance to give you except this house and you would have cut it off if you couldn’t afford it. So I saved it for you.” You leafed through the papers one more time but you weren’t taking it in. 

“So your gift to me is my own money? Wow. The levels…” screwing up the paper in your hands you looked up to glare at him. “Goodbye Dad.” 

“Wait!” But you didn’t stop. You hated this house, the memories oozing from the very walls were as toxic as the decaying smell of tobacco. You could hear him wheezing as you stormed through the front door, anger pulsed through your mind as you walked down the street. The paper was still clutched in your hands, the sharp corners cutting into your palms making you clutch it tighter. 

You shouldn’t have come, not alone at least but the people that wanted to come would not have let you deal with the situation without a comment or two you didn’t need. You tried to harden yourself against the tears but they fell like searing acid anyway. Once upon a time your Dad had been your world, memories of golden sunshine and giggles were there replaying and taunting you with their perfectness. And then the worst happened, you lost your mother and it had destroyed your father. You knew the power of death and grief more than most, the way it destroyed minds and twisted souls into oblivion but there was always a choice. 

You weren’t sure how long you walked for, ignoring your phone that seemed to buzz endlessly in your pocket. Sitting on a swing in a rusty park you let yourself succumb to the feelings that overflowed until you were empty. You kicked the dirt remembering every stick and stone in this place, you and Poe had frequented this park so often as kids and teens. Letting your seat swing you held onto the biting chain, the sun was merciless as it beat down on you. Summer was finally here and life had been a whirlwind the last few weeks, this was the last thing you needed. 

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a dump like this?” You smirked at your lap, you’d recognise that voice anywhere and of course he’d follow you, he knew more than Hux the hateful times your father had put you through in that house and the effect it could have. 

“Can take the girl out of the country but not the country out the girl,” you replied looking up to watch him as he slipped into the swing beside you. 

“I don’t remember these being so fucking small,” he grumbled. “My hips don’t fit!” You swung round and kicked his leg. “Ouch!! We’re not actually kids now and your shoes hurt!” 

“I told you not to come, Poe!” 

“And I ignored you. Bold of you to assume I’d listen.” He was itching to know how it went. You could see the questions turning over in his mind but to his credit he didn’t ask, he just waited semi patiently for you to spill. Wordlessly you handed over the crumpled sheets of paper letting him smooth them out before you spoke. 

“Dad was at the house.” 

“What?” You thought you heard his neck crack he lifted it so quickly. 

“Apparently he left the home a year ago and has been residing in that house with a carer,” you squinted looking up at the sky letting the sunlight settle on your skin as though it could cleanse you from the interaction you’d just had. 

“I don’t understand what this is?” He asked, the soft rasp of paper breaking the quiet. 

“I’ve been paying for that expensive place and he took himself out but didn’t tell me. So he saved up my money and gifted it back to me.” 

“What the fuck.” He murmured your name in shock. “This…each week is literally your wage? How were you existing?” You shrugged. 

“Kats rent. And Armitage helped near the end but he didn’t know until just before Pippa was born.” 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he mumbled, still staring at the papers like it would eventually make sense. “I saw Ben.” 

“Oh?” You plucked at your leggings, resuming kicking the dirt under your swing. 

“He told me you broke it off, spouting about how you were back with Hux. I just assumed he was sounding off and blaming you for calling it off.” You raised an eyebrow. “But you didn’t come back to the launch. Neither of you.” 

“Pippa needed us,” you replied absently. 

“Alright then. Keep your secrets.” 

“Don’t quote Lord of the Rings to me!” You leaned over and nudged his shoulder hearing the creak of the chains as you both moved. 

“And then I saw Phasma,” you widened your eyes. 

“Poe Dameron seeing a client at the office!” You gasped in mock shock. 

“Hugs terminated her contract. I bet they could hear the screaming two floors down.” 

“Did he?” Poe sighed and you heard the scratch of his stubble against his hand. 

“You are a closed book today! A rich one though.” You leaned over and snatched the papers out of his hand, folding them and shoving them in your jacket pocket. You jumped off the swing and he followed closely, hands in his pockets clearly trying to let you open up at your pace. 

“Why didn’t you like Ben?” 

“Huh?” 

“Ben, the night we met him you told me you didn’t like him and that you lived next door. Surely I’d have seen him?” 

“Ah yeah. They moved away when we were still just kids, but Leia was one of mum's best friends and she kept in touch with Dad after she…” you slipped a hand through Poe’s arm, bonded together in the pain of losing your mothers before their time. “Anyway, he went through a stint in college of sleeping with anything with a pulse. Apparently he caused a massive rift with his uncle who ended up in hospital and no one knows how. He’s volatile and not a good guy.” 

“I feel like there’s more to that story.” This didn’t sound like the Ben you had met but then, could you claim you really knew him? 

“He just made me feel uncomfortable all the time, like he was better than me.” 

“Aww, Poe having an alpha crisis!” You squealed when he wrapped his arms around you, twirling you on the spot before dumping you back on your feet. The pair of you continued down the street heading back to the Dameron family home. Entering the back door the old man’s face lit up at the sight of you both. He made you sit at the table producing sandwiches from seemingly nowhere and you wondered if Poe told him he was bringing you back here. 

It was nice, the summer breeze floating through the open back door reminded you of happier days and you felt your spirits being lifted. You adored these two men who had taken and looked after you when you needed it most. This was your safe space and not even the memories of Ben couldn’t taint it for you. Holding a glass of water you sat back in your seat listening to them banter across the table hoping that Pippa would have this kind of support as she grew up. That she would always have Kat and Poe to turn to if needed. Though you hoped she didn’t.

Chapter Text

You felt weary, right down to your bones as though the sun had leached the very life from you. Even the ride in the lift had taken it out of you, or maybe it was returning to the apartment. Your feelings on this place were complicated and you had insisted on sleeping separately from Hux not wanting to go with him upstairs to his room but also you felt odd having him in your room. He hadn’t complained but you also saw it wasn’t what he wanted. 

As you opened the front door heard the happy noise from your daughter in Kat’s arms. You couldn’t help but smile at your best friend who was covered in some mushed up biscuit, it was smeared all over her shoulder and down her arm and Pippa was just as filthy. 

“You guys need a bath,” you said, letting Poe come in behind you. 

“Oh god is that vomit?” He cried and Kat's eyes flashed mischievously. 

“Maybe,” she smirked. 

“Don’t, no!” Poe yelled as she zoomed towards him, her fingers coated in the sticky biscuit. “Gross! Get the fuck away from me!” 

“Poe! Don't swear in front of the baby!” She scolded making an effort to hold Pippa against her chest who just giggled while she sucked on her fingers. Kat eventually passed over the baby once she’d wiped her hands and Poe held her on his lap making her deep belly laugh. Kat sauntered up to your side in the kitchen and you gave her a quick side eye. 

“Pippa been ok? Did she nap for long?”

“About an hour.” She leaned next to you as you filled the sink with hot water. “You ok?” 

“Yes. And no.” 

“How’s things with Hux?” 

“Fine.” You heard her sigh at the vagueness of your responses. 

“I wouldn’t judge you.” Now you looked up, frowning slightly. 

“Judge me for what?” 

“For getting back with your husband because let’s face it, even though those papers were signed you never left each other.” 

“What makes you think we’re getting back together?” You murmured wishing you weren’t having the same conversation all over again. 

“The termination of Phasma’s contract for one. Neither of you came back to the launch and I will never forget the way he was during your labour. I thought he was going to break. I've never seen that man exhibit so much emotion in person.” You slowly washed up the bowls and spoons that Pippa had used throughout the day. You weren’t sure what to say, still not sure what was even happening between you. Since that day with Phasma it had been stilted like Hux didn’t like the way you’d seen him after the argument, maybe he still felt ashamed. But you knew both of you had played a part in the ruination of your marriage. Could you go back to that? Could you get back to the happiness you once had? Or had too much happened? Kat said your name, breaking your reverie. 

“I lost you there for a second. You want to talk about it?”

“I’m not even sure what I want to say,” you confessed. 

“I know you love him and it’s clear he loves you. He tried not to show it but that man gets doe eyed whenever you’re around.” 

“I think we can safely say that is one expression Armitage does not possess!” 

“I dunno,” she exclaimed, sucking in a breath as she watched Poe with Pippa. “You were unconscious for most of it. He actually shed tears, he nearly didn’t hand over the baby for them to check and I’m pretty sure he reduced a nurse to tears because no one would tell him what was happening with you. The man was terrified.” She sighed a little and shifted her position. “So no, I would not judge you, in fact I’d encourage you to get back with him.” 

“What if I can’t see it?” You whispered. “I want him and he—he wants me. He told me he loved me and we, we….,” you could feel Kats attention swing to you as you left the sentence unfinished but she didn’t interrupt. “But I can’t see it working.” 

“Are you joking?” She said loudly and you winced. 

“When I went to France…” 

“When you went to France you know Hux went to ground? He didn’t come to work, he didn’t contact anyone. I even tried to help him but he wouldn't answer the door.” 

“No,” you said, your eyes misting over. “He was too busy shagging that woman.” Lifting your hands out of the water you dried them on a towel before hanging it neatly back up. 

“And did you ever tell him what you were doing in France?” 

“I went to forget.” You said stiffly. 

“And forget you did ,” she replied scathingly. “He doesn’t have a clue does he? That for almost 6 months you stayed out there and started a whole new life?? While you were still married. So don’t tell me you can’t get past him sleeping with someone else when you literally restarted. Did it ever occur to you that the reason it didn’t work between you when you came back was because you had done what you did?”

“I went to France and started over. I didn't straight away jump into bed with anyone else!! I got a job and just tried to forget! He was sleeping with her and me at the same time?!” You shouted. Poe was watching you both while still trying to distract Pippa. 

“You two are so fucking stupid,” Kat said, now not even bothering to lower her voice. “People would kill for the love that you two have.”

“And to live the life we have? To experience the loss we did? Would you kill for that Kat?” 

“Do you forget I went through it too??” She shouted. “Just because I wasn’t Albie’s parent didn’t mean I didn’t feel pain. Seeing you so vacant and empty it broke me that I couldn’t help you or him!”

“You didn’t feel the loss I did!” You yelled back. 

“No. But I still grieved. I still felt loss, I still watched my best friend become a husk and throw away her husband like he was rubbish!!” Your fingers flexed as the anger filtered through you.

“How dare you!” 

“How dare I? What? Tell the truth? Make you see uncomfortable things you don’t want to see?” 

“What’s going on?” You couldn’t pull your gaze away from Kat, neither of you had noticed Hux had come home, his bag slipping from his shoulder. 

“We were just leaving,” Poe stated loudly. You looked round to see Pippa had her coat on and she was tugging hard on his unruly curls but he didn’t even flinch. 

“You’re taking her?” You asked stupidly. 

“I think it’s for the best. C’mon Kat.” Standing awkwardly in the kitchen you could feel Hux’s puzzlement as they left. The door shutting almost echoed in your mind and your breath caught. 

“What just happened?” 

“Kat got on her high horse,” you replied tartily. Not wanting to discuss what she’d just brought up. “How much did you hear?” 

“Enough that I think we have fucked up our friends as much as ourselves,” he muttered. You waited for him to continue but nothing came, he just stood there fiddling with the strap of his bag. “How did it go today?” He finally asked but all you could muster was a shrug in return. 

“Oh my father gifted me my money back.” 

“He—what?” 

“Yeah. The man had been squirrelling it away all this time, safe to say I stopped any more payments to him. Let him rot.” Hux studied your side profile, he leaned across but all you saw was the flurry of his hand and you flinched away. “What are you doing?” Instantly his expression changed, his jaw tightened and you saw the flare of anger in those pale ocean glass eyes. 

“I was going to comfort you,” he snipped. “But clearly my attentions are unwanted.” You moved away from him, feeling the familiar heaviness in your heart as you clutched your top in a fist. “What are we doing? Because I don’t know whether I’m coming or going with you right now.” Closing your eyes you fought the rising sadness but it crashed over you anyway. 

“What do you want from me, Armitage?!” It ripped from you in a rush and he turned away clenching his fist while using his other hand to cover his face as he sighed. 

“I just want to love you and it not be so bloody difficult!” He spread his arms behind you in a hopeless gesture. “I just want to feel like we did before!” 

“It will never be like before!” You screamed, the tears building in your eyes yet again. “Too much has happened, we broke each other I—I broke you!” You cried out. 

“And I broke you! Neither of us are blameless in what happened but…” he tried to bring his voice down to a softer level as you sobbed quietly in the corner, still refusing to look at him. He came up behind you, gently placing his hands on your upper arms, lifting them away just a fraction as you curled into yourself, but he didn’t stop. The pressure of his touch was a comfort and you gasped, whirling round to bury into him and he gripped your tighter. Letting you cry and shake as he held you like he had so many times before. “I want to fix this. I don’t want anyone else,” he murmured into your hair as he buried his fingers in it. He enveloped you, closing out the world around you until all that was left was him. His warmth, his scent, his strength, it wrapped around you like a soft blanket and you felt yourself melting into him. 

“I want to run away,” you whispered into his chest. 

“Then we should.” You looked up at him. 

“We can’t. Unless we take Pippa?”

“Call me selfish but I want it to be just us. We have some…discovering to do.” At first you rebelled at the idea of leaving your daughter for an unknown amount of time but you felt like you were suffocating in this space, this flat was a constant drag on you and maybe you would feel different somewhere else. “Remember when we were in college and I ran away from home?” He spoke so quietly but the memory still rose unbidden to your mind. He’d rocked up at your door, blood and bruises littering his body and that was the day you had refused to let him go home. You tore through their townhouse collecting Hux’s things before his father had even known what was happening. You nodded, resting your cheek back against him. 

“Yes,” you replied firmly. “I’m glad he’s gone.” His arms tightened around you and he buried his face back into your hair. 

“You smell like sunshine,” he groaned. 

“ Armitage… ” you tilted your head back and he captured your lips in a kiss, his fingers flexing firmly in the feel of your hair. You moaned at the taste of him, your body leaning heavily against him, your lips parting in a gasp when he pulled away. 

“Let’s go. Tonight.” Opening your eyes you saw he was being utterly serious. 

“Where would we go?” 

“I don’t fucking care,” he growled. “As long as I’m with you, anywhere will feel right. We don’t even need to pack.”

“But work?”

“Fuck work.”

“Armitage this is a little impulsive for you, are you sure about this?” He untangled from you, running a hand through his hair as a rare smile graced his handsome face. 

“Yeah, yes! Are you in?” 

“I mean…” you hesitated to bite your lip, the idea was certainly tantalising. 

“Come on. It’s no fun running away on your own. We could go right now.” 

“I need to pack for Pippa…” you breathed but the more he cajoled you the more you wanted to go. 

“No, leave them the key. They can move in while we’re not here.” You frowned at him, watching as he pulled the phone chargers from the wall and piled them on the side. 

“Move in? How long are we going for?” 

“A day, a week, I don’t know. I just…” he slid to a stop in front of you gingerly lifting a hand to brush the last of your tears from your cheek. “You need to escape and when we get back we can sell the flat. Maybe get a house near a good school and put all of this behind us.” It sounded like a dream, too good to be true but also something you needed. 

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this!” 

“Yes!” He charged upstairs and appeared a moment later with a bag shoving the bare essentials inside. You pushed away from the counter running to your room to grab your own essentials. Your hands were shaking and you couldn’t help the little nervous giggle as you dumped it on top of his items. The sound of the zip was so final, the pair of you took just a moment as you both gazed over the flat for the last time, his hand slipping over yours. 

“Are you ready to run away?” He whispered and your heart heaved at the words. 

“Yes, I’m ready.”

Chapter Text

“Kat?” 

“What?” Even her salty tone on the end of the phone could stop you smiling. 

“You and Poe are in charge at work for at least a week. Feel free to do what you want.”

“Within reason!” Yelled Hux. “Don’t ruin my company!” 

“I don’t understand.” 

“We are taking a holiday, can we leave Pippa with you? Or I could ask Kes…”

“A holiday? What….what the fuck?” You shut the door to the car, tucking the phone into your shoulder so you could pull your belt across. “Where are you going? Are you leaving now??” 

“We won't go far, we just need to get away but we can get Pippa…”

“No. She’s fine with us. Will you at least tell me where you’re going?” 

“I don’t even think we know,” you told her, glancing at Hux. “We didn’t even pack.” 

“Is this wise?” She was worried and you couldn’t blame her. You were just at each other’s throats but at the end of the day all her emotions came from a place of love, for you. She had seen you at your very worst and been by your side through everything and still she championed Hux for you. 

“Probably not but you know us.” Hux began to reverse out of the parking space and you watched the concentration on his face, reaching up to touch his cheek and he awarded you with a quick smile which made your heart leap. “Just don’t blow the company budget in one day. Oh also I left the key to the flat for you with the doorman.” You could hear Poe mucking about with your daughter, imagining Kat standing in the kitchen as she worried her lip not wanting to talk you out of this but also wanting you not to be stupid. “We won’t be far. Hour, two maybe three tops,” you reassured her. 

“Fine. But I want extra pay.” You sucked in a sharp breath and Hux glanced over. 

“What, what did she say?” He asked. 

“She wants extra pay.” 

“Woman can have what she likes,” he muttered checking the road before he pulled out of the garage. “Extra holiday, extra pay…it’s theirs.” 

“R-really?” You stuttered. Hux wasn’t an awful employer, he was fair, strict but fair. 

“They’re putting up with us dumping this on them at the last minute as well as taking our child. Yeah, they can have what they like.” 

“Did you hear that?”

“I did,” she replied smugly. “Have a great time!”

“I’ll ring you when we stop.” 

“Sure. Just sort this.” You sighed. 

“We will.” You said your goodbyes, both of you talking down the phone to Pippa before silence descended between you. A nervous excitement threaded through your body and no matter what you did you couldn't get comfortable. Hux drove you easily out on the M25 letting you choose the direction and you drove out into the country.

The fake orange glare of London receded, the buildings growing smaller, fewer and far between. You watched the sunset across the flat fields, the rich hues mingled with golds and pinks flooded the inside of the car and you sighed. Hux reached over and took your hand, his long fingers entwined with yours, giving you a reassuring squeeze as he did. 

“Are we doing the right thing?” You asked. 

“We needed to get away from the taint of it all.” His hand flexed in your grasp as he spoke, determination written all over his face. “I’ll ring the estate agents in the morning and put the flat up for sale, we can spend our time trolling through Rightmove or we can go out and go on some walks or…” 

“We could just spend time together. I don’t care what we’re doing.” 

“Yes,” he glanced over at you. “Yes, that.” You both decided to pull over in Oxford, you’d had a hard day and Hux had been at work all day. He drove into the city and parked up at the entrance of The George Street Hotel. 

“Armitage, why don’t we just go to a Premier Inn or something?” You asked looking up at the brick building, you weren’t fooled by the plainness of the front, knowing Hux he had already mentally planned where to go no matter what way you chose when you left London. He handed his keys to the valet and guided you inside the building. The night bustle of outside melted away to be replaced with the bright calmness of the foyer. A large mirror accented one wall and you looked at yourself with horror, your hair was a mess and you were pretty sure you were covered in dust still from the park. Your clothes really didn’t fit with the smooth classy aesthetic of the place and you shrank into Hux’s side. He absently threw an arm around you, checking in and collecting keys for your room. For some reason you felt nervous, realising that you had barely any luggage and then second guessing if this was a good idea. You trailed after your ex husband, watching as he easily slotted the keycard into the door and emitting you both into a beautiful room. 

The floor space was large for a city hotel room, a plush kingsize bed sat at one end, the dark wooden door for the bathroom on your right. On the left was a desk and green leather sofa but ahead was a balcony. You gasped when Hux wrenched the curtains back to reveal the city spread out before you both. You opened the door and stepped outside. It was warm, cushioning you after the coolness of the hotel and you leaned over the railing to watch the buses chug past. 

Hux came up behind you, his touch cautious clearly expecting you to flinch away but you didn’t. This time you leaned into him, resting against his chest as he enveloped you in a hug. Closing your eyes you let your head fall back onto his shoulder rubbing your hands over his. 

“Are you hungry?” He asked softly. 

“Yeah I think I could eat.” 

“I found a menu so we could order room service.” 

“Yes. We should…talk.” As you turned his embrace dropped away and he became guarded, looking at you as though he was trying to guess what you wanted to say. He nodded and gestured for you to move back into the room. 

Now you felt nervous, your hands pulling on each other at the idea of telling him about France. You’d have to throw yourself back into that time and you weren’t sure if it was such a good idea, but you also couldn’t continue with Hux without him knowing. 

Once the food and drink was ordered you went round and acquainted yourself with the facilities, looking at the coffee machine and free biscuits to then explore the bathroom. The shower was a huge walk in one, panes of glass separated by black accents made it look stunning and you couldn’t wait to step into it. The sink was deep, set on a plinth with black taps, the shelf above arranged with the small freebies and you toyed with them absently. You had to face him.  

You found Hux sitting on the bed, the tv was on but he wasn’t watching it, instead holding his head in his hands as he clearly worried about what you had to say. Gently you touched his shoulder and he grabbed your hand like a lifeline. 

“Armitage. What’s wrong?” He didn’t answer at first, his eyes blazing into the floor as though he could burn a hole through to the level below. He opened his mouth when there was a knock on the door. Irritation crossed his expression and he scrunched his nose but got up and collected the food anyway. He took it out to the balcony and you both sat down to eat. 

But you couldn’t, pushing your food around as thoughts somersaulted in your mind, your stomach churned and suddenly you just wanted to go home. You wanted to hold Pippa and smell her in your arms, you wanted to hear her giggle and feel her weight against your body. Swiftly you grabbed your napkin and dabbed your eyes hoping he wouldn’t notice but he did, he always did. He said your name and went to reach across the table but then thought better of it. His hand curled and slowly he drew it back to him, your eyes fixed on the motion, feeling confused about what you wanted him to do. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I miss Pippa. I feel bad for leaving her.”

“I do too,” he told you, casting his gaze out over the nightlife that had woken up in the darkness. People laughing, taxis ferrying people places, the sound of high heels and smart shoes over the rumble of traffic almost set your teeth on edge. “But we also need this.” You agreed, but now you were here it felt daunting. 

The wineglass was sweaty in your hand as you downed the white wine before getting up to get some more. You must have dallied too long because he followed you, resting on the doorframe with his arms crossed. 

“Are you going to put me out of my misery?”

“Yes,” you responded quickly, walking over to sit on the sofa. The leather was plush and soft but you barely noticed as you tried to find a point to begin. “I want to be honest with you and have no more secrets.” 

“Is this about Ben?” He spat and you rolled your eyes. 

“Fuck sake no Armitage, this is about me. And France.” He didn’t utter a word but his whole demeanour changed as though you had just thrown him back to the wolves of his memories. He didn’t move, still leaning against the wall like it was supporting him. “I have somethings I need to tell you before we can contemplate…” your gaze slid to the bed and you swallowed harshly. “Before we can move on.” You wanted him to interject, to tell you to leave the past behind you so you didn’t have to delve into the singed pages of your past but he did nothing. “Ok well, the day I left…” your throat closed up. The day he had not come home because he was with her. If you had known that back then would you have even bothered to come back? Maybe not. “I waited for you, I wanted to talk to you. It was the first day I really woke up after…after Albie.” You sat up when he moved but he didn’t come towards you, instead he sat back on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees and his fingers toyed with the empty space where his wedding ring had sat. “I wanted…I don’t even know what I wanted, the details are hazy,” you admitted. “But you didn’t come back and I assumed you had made a choice and finally left me.” You heard him swear softly as he covered his face. You hated doing this, dropping you both back there but it needed all to be said. 

“If I’d known,” he rasped out and you managed a wry smile. 

“A lot of things would be different if ‘we’d known’.” You sipped the wine and rolled your tongue over your teeth before continuing. “I packed my bags and left. When I got to the airport I didn’t even know where I was going, I didn’t tell anyone, just the urge to run was overwhelming. So I did.” Your eyes glazed over as you remembered. “I broke down in the bathroom, I felt like my insides were collapsing because I wasn’t with him or you and I felt so lost. I nearly lost my nerve but…” you wanted to look at him, maybe to see the pain on his face you didn’t know but instead you stared into the golden colour of your wine. “I went to France because I could struggle by with the language and I ended up in Antibes of all places.”

“Your aunt,” he whispered. You smiled and nodded. 

“Yeah, I went to stay with her. She helped me, got me a job in a café just clearing tables but it was sunny and relaxing and I was able to bury every dark twisted thing about me deep somewhere else.” You paused, the next set of words were like a grater on your throat, ripping as they came out. “Then I met Mitaka.” His head snapped up and you could feel his shock from where you were sitting. You had to continue or you’d never get it out. “At first he would just come and sit at a table outside and smile every now and again, then he spoke, then he asked me out and then we…” tears seeped down your face when you closed your eyes at Hux’s sudden motion off the bed. He paced before you, a hand on his hip and one on his mouth as though trying to stop himself from exploding. “Six months. I forgot my life in England and it was bliss.”  

“So you went to forget everything, who you were, who you were beholden to…”

“Beholden to? What is this, the dark ages?” 

“You were my wife!!” He shouted and instantly your rage strangled your insides. 

“And you were my husband!! The one I needed and the one who wasn’t there! We can throw blame around all day Armitage Hux but we failed each other and I am…I am trying to tell you so we can move past this.” 

“So you feel better…” you flew to your feet and he stopped pacing in surprise. 

“How dare you! Don’t judge me on your standards. Did you feel better when you let slip about Phasma because let's face it you didn’t tell me. I worked it out.” 

“That’s different…”

“No!” You screamed. “No it’s not!! You went to her to bury yourself and hide from the world. I just took longer to jump into bed with someone else.” You necked the last of the wine already wanting more. 

“You,” his voice was forced like it was a strain for him to speak. “You had a relationship with him while still married to me. Because you forgot me.” A pain in your chest spiked and you clutched your top, each throb of your heart left like it was going to burst at any moment. The hurt of his words sliced you in more ways than you were prepared for, because it was true. 

“I did,” you cried, your voice wavering drastically. “I forgot you, I forgot him! I forgot myself! I wanted to be someone else to feel normal. To—to feel anything except the aching inside me because my baby died! I couldn’t look after him, I couldn't fix him! I was his mother!” Your voice had risen, you were barely sure if you were talking to Hux or just yourself now as you stood in the vortex of your feelings. A sob wrenched from you and you wished he’d make a move to you but he just stood there, you could see him in the mirror, his eyes glaring once again at the floor. 

“What made you come back?” You scoffed, trying to stuff your big emotions back inside but they hung out of you for all the world to see no matter how hard you tried. 

“My aunt saw what was happening and she forced me to come home.”

“She forced you.” You saw him nod, a look of pain crossing his face before he turned away from you, leaning heavily on the chair at the desk. 

“At first I didn’t want to, I even told Mitaka I’d come back but then I saw you.” He turned slightly but still he didn’t look at you. “I saw you and everything came rushing back and what I’d done, what had happened and I realised I was lying to myself.” Biting your lip you wiped the tears off your face still watching him in the mirror. “Your face when you saw me on the doorstep…but you didn’t speak. It was physical and I assumed we would speak about what happened later.” 

“We didn’t,” he retorted. 

“No,” you whispered. “Why?” 

“Because it was easier. I didn’t want to talk with you because I didn’t want to see you become that zombie that had been existing with me before. You turned up at my door fresh faced, tanned, happy. You smiled,” his voice choked up and he slumped into the chair. “When I opened that door you smiled and it was the most glorious thing I’d ever seen. I needed you and you didn’t resist.” You moved, the need to touch him was clawing at you but also you knew there was more to listen to so you took his spot on the bed, clasping your hands between your legs, still holding the empty wineglass. “You were in my bed, sleeping. You had come back and I…and all I felt was shame.” He spun the chair to face you across the room. “I didn’t know what to do, Phasma was there all the time and she knew me at my worst. She understood where I thought you never could.” You tried not to bristle at his words but they hurt. The idea of another woman, that woman, comforting him at his darkest moments when it should have been you tore at you inside. “I could see you trying to fix us but I was weak and ashamed. So I resisted you at every turn until finally I’d had enough of the self loathing and I divorced you. I set you free.”

“I was never free, Armitage. I never want to be free of you. Our story, no matter how twisted, damaged or torn apart it gets, I never want to be without you.” He didn’t respond, just sat there once again turning that imaginary ring on his finger making you look down at yours. The mark was still there, barely but it was. “How could you say I wouldn’t understand?” You asked quietly. “After everything with Brendol…”

“I swear you took me in because you felt sorry for me.” 

“I took you in because I loved you and what he was doing was barbaric! He had no right and I risked myself to get you out.” 

“Any decent person would,” his words were like a slap in the face and you rocked backwards. 

“Are you that…do you feel I’ve been with you this whole time because I feel sorry for you? Oh. Wow.” You felt sick, the wine was making you feel slightly light headed and you leaned hard on your legs. 

“Why would someone like you love someone like me? Gift me with children, with love, marriage? Even now…why?” You felt a hysterical giggle rise up from your chest as the tears poured down your face. “I’ll say it again, you’re the love of my life. But I question everyday if I’m the love of yours.” His confession grew in size between you, like a balloon half filled with helium it hung in the air and you struggled to find the strength to speak. 

“From—,” you cleared your throat mentally telling yourself to get a grip. “From the moment I laid eyes on you I knew I wanted no one else. I didn’t care that you hadn’t grown into your body, I didn’t care that you were awkward, every time I spoke you looked terrified and it just…I just wanted to get to know you and be with you. Before I found out about that disgusting man and what he was doing.” Your teeth clenched, a fist weakly rammed into your thigh at just the thought of his father. “Are you so afraid of someone loving you this much Armitage?” 

“Not afraid. I just don’t see why,” he told you calmly. “When you left I told myself I deserved it, I never was good enough for you in the first place.” 

“You don’t get to decide that! Don’t tell me what I should be feeling!” You yelled. “I chose you, for better or for worse.”

“Did you though?” Your breath stuttered. He looked so calm while you were a mess, his green eyes scrutinising you like an x-ray machine. “Because at my worst you were nowhere to be seen.” Pain exploded in your mind, red descended and you threw the glass you’d been holding. Next you grabbed the bottle, heaving it against the wall to shatter like the pieces of your soul. His hands were on you, restraining you but you fought to escape. Even as he dragged you sobbing and crying to the floor he held you tightly, his arm wrapped around your body, his face in your hair. He wasn’t there for your worst either. You wanted to scream at him, even to hit his chest, to push him away for hurting you so. It felt like your entire marriage had been a lie even when it hadn’t. You had loved each other never doubting each other’s loyalty, you rowed but you always came back together, fixing it. 

You keened loudly in his arms, your body racked with sobs as he held you, kneeling over you like he was trying to hold you together but you were trickling through his grip. 

“I’m losing you and I don’t know what to do,” you heard him sob into your shoulder. 

Eventually you both fell into silence. He leaned back against the bed, his arm still tight around your torso as you leaned into each other. You had no idea how much time had passed but the street outside was quiet, even the night clubbers were done. 

You were exhausted, your entire body felt like it was made of lead and you weren’t sure if you could move even if you wanted to. Your legs had gone to sleep and your eyes were stinging but the warmth of him against you was a comfort. 

“Armitage,” you whispered through the dryness of your throat. “I need water.” He released you slowly before getting up, shaking his legs out like his had gone numb too. You managed to crawl up onto the bed, the softness of the covers nearly made you cry in relief but you didn’t get very far. When he came back he put the water on the bedside table, grabbing you round the middle he helped you up the rest of the bed, wordlessly helping you drink and dragging the covers over you. Your eyes closed and you knew no more

Chapter Text

The sunlight hit your eyes from the open curtains. The doors were left open from last night and a warm fresh breeze wafted over your exposed face but still you drew the blankets around you. The soft noises of the buses and taxis mixed with the occasional buzz of the pedestrian crossings reached you. You didn’t want to move but part of you wanted to see the wreckage from last night. 

Last night. 

Closing your eyes a single tear squeezed out and you chastised yourself for your awful behaviour. Maybe you needed more therapy, higher dosage of pills whatever it was, you needed it. You carefully sat up looking around, you clocked the bathroom door was open, the glass had been cleaned up and put on the tray, your plates from dinner were still outside but Hux was nowhere to be seen. 

“A-Armitage?” Only silence greeted you. Slipping from the bed you could see his side hadn’t been slept in and you tried to fight the rising panic that he had just left you here. But for everything Armitage was capable of he would not do this to you. Controlling your breathing with deep inhales you checked the coffee machine and found it unused. His shoes and coat were gone as his wallet but the keys for the car were still here. Your lower lip wobbled, maybe he had left you but taken the train back to London and left the car for you? You checked the bathroom, finding the sink dry you felt the greyness of emotion cascade up inside you. 

You thought you were going to be sick as the panic twisted you into something you didn’t recognise. Staring into the backlit mirror you saw something feral and dangerous in your eyes, this wasn’t you. You had never been like this, fiery yes but this? 

“I don’t know who you are anymore,” you whispered. Your heart dropped from your chest when you heard the door go, almost losing your footing as you rounded the bathroom door and you saw him shedding his black trench coat. He looked up at the sound of you moving and the pair of you stood there just staring at each other, frozen in the moment even as it passed you by. 

“You were gone,” you managed to blurt out. 

“I went downstairs to settle up before I woke you.” 

“Oh.” Yes that made sense. He looked tired and you wondered if he’d got any sleep at all last night. “I’m ready to leave when you are.” 

“You want to go back already?” He asked quickly. 

“Well I…” you just assumed after last night. The ache from what you’d both said was still there in your chest, like an invisible knife that still has yet to be removed. “I thought we were done,” you whispered. Three strides was all it took for him to be before you, three strides for your walls to crumble. Three strides and his hand was in your hair, his lips punishing yours with a bruising kiss that stole what little air you had in your lungs. 

You kept your eyes closed, leaning into him slightly as his fingers trailed over your cheek like you were breakable. 

“I’m pretty sure we said we had a week,” he breathed. You were still trying to recover from the kiss, hating the way he was able to steal your senses but wanting to bury yourself in him at the same time. “I thought we could go to Stratford.” 

“Stratford-Upon-Avon?” You inquired as he stepped back. It was your favourite place in England, the houses, the town and the Shakespeare tour that you’d taken more than once. For the first time in a long time you felt genuinely excited, it was glorious weather outside perfect for sitting next to the river and sipping a gin and tonic. But your vision melted away. “Are you sure you want to go with me? After last night.” Hux was checking the room for what meagre items you’d brought and it was then that you noticed he’d even charged up your phone while you slept. 

“Last night cleared the air a bit, don't you think? Today is a new day.” You heard the zip go and found yourself just accepting what he’d said. You wanted to go to Stratford, you wanted to sit in the sun next to the river with him. 

“Yes,” and you meant it. “Yes, let's go but I feel I need new clothes.” 

“We can stop off somewhere and get you some outfits. Ready?” You nodded, your heart in your throat as you made it through the hotel. In the lift his hand was cautious but you let him grip you tightly as though the pair of you knew something was happening but not sure what. 

It was silent between you but not uncomfortable, you both knew each other inside out and silence was not something you were strangers too. Even so you tried to ignore the strain of it as the countryside slipped past in a blur. It only took an hour to get there, Armitage and his driving getting you there a good 20 minutes before the satnavs recommended ETA. 

Stratford-Upon-Avon. Your happy place. You dragged him up the high street enjoying the smile that graced your face and he indulged every little whim you had. You stopped off in a shop and treated yourself to a summer dress that they let you change into there and then, and some sandals. Hux also bought some clothes, you picked the outfit actually laughing as you made him try on some ridiculous things but he humoured every suggestion. Even showing he was enjoying making you laugh in the middle of the shop as he tried on the most hideous suit, watching you in the mirror as you clutched your stomach. 

Next you got some lunch, a lovely pub down by the river that had tables outside and you took the time to bask in the sun that you had missed in the winter months. Hux sat quietly with you scrolling through emails for work. Usually you’d have made him put his phone down but you didn’t mind and conversation was sparse between you anyway. Food came and you inquired about the business to which he told you Kat and Poe seemed to have it under control. 

You watched ducks swim past, swans with their graceful curved necks were your favourites, their clicking noises always made you smile and Hux asked if you wanted to feed them. He bought some paper bags full of food and you both strolled down the bank of the river scattering food, pointing out moorhens and coots. You carefully stepped over pigeons almost tripping at one point but he had you. He always had you. Always there to catch you when you fell, to steady you when you needed it the most. 

You sent silly pictures to Kat and Poe so they could show Pippa and they sent you some in return, your daughter giving the biggest smile to the camera that had you beaming but a sadness was settling on your chest that not even the sun could banish. 

Hux suggested finding a hotel and you agreed, instantly suggesting Hotel Indigo where you always stayed. He just gave you a soft kiss and said ok, taking your hand and leading you back into town. 

When you got into the room the first thing you did was explore the bathroom together. Eyeing the walk in shower that you wanted to jump into with the pretty blue and white tiles. The room was large enough for you both, mainly taken up by the king size bed, a desk and chair on the far wall. You opened the windows, letting in the soft breeze and noises from outside, bathing in the small pool of sunlight that poured into the room. 

Hux approached you from behind, your lips parted in anticipation, letting him pull you to him so he could kiss the side of your face, your body melting into him. But he didn’t continue, just whispered he was going for a shower and that you could have one after. 

You felt oddly empty while he was in the bathroom, the noise of the shower was a constant patter through the wall and it was a great noise to zone out to, so you did. Still sat by the window not really thinking of anything but aware of everything crowding behind you ready to pounce when you let it. 

You showered next, trying to ignore the way he looked when he came out dripping wet with a towel slung casually round his hips. God he was handsome. But physical attraction wasn’t enough. You took your time, rubbing the grime from your hair and making sure you were as clean as could be, revelling in the steam that you created having the shower much hotter than Hux ever would. You debated getting dressed in the bathroom but you felt bold, striding from the room only to find he’d got dressed and made a coffee. He had a hand in his pocket, his bright hair soft and fluffy in the breeze from the window, the watch glinted in the dying light and your breath caught at the sight of him. An ache so deep rooted, hurt in your chest but you shoved it aside, you wanted to enjoy this time away, with him. 

He glanced over his shoulder giving you a brief smile before looking back outside and you felt a little disappointment. Quickly you got redressed all the while he stayed statue still at the window until you stepped up beside him. 

“Would you like to get some dinner?” His voice was soft like velvet, wrapping around your body like a cosy embrace, warm, familiar and comforting. 

“You know what we haven’t done in ages,” you said with the hint of a smile, curling your hands around his arm. 

“What’s that?” 

“Go to the cinema.” 

“Hmm. I think the last film we went to see was a Marvel one,” he commented. 

“It was and the new Spider-Man is out.” You gazed up at him as he drained the last of his coffee and put the cup down on the table beside him. 

“Then let’s go. I can’t say no to you.” He dipped down, capturing your upturned face and stealing a deep kiss from you. There was no hesitancy between you as he stole every breath you gave him, every whimper and lick of your tongue was his and he knew it. Your body was humming, ready to do anything else but go to the cinema even as he gathered up his coat, passing you a cardigan that slipped easily over your shoulders and you both left the room. 

You had a great time. It reminded you of the dates you had as college kids, finding your way through your feelings for each other, exploring the world and finally coming to the conclusion you belonged together. 

You both fell into the hotel room laughing, gin coursed through your body making the room sway until you lost your footing and fell into the bed in a heap. His laugh was a noise you didn’t hear very often and it lit up your world as he lay next to you until it died away in the gloom of the evening. 

“I’m going to get ready for bed…not that I have anything to change into,” you told him biting your lip and he huffed out another laugh. 

“Me neither.” 

“We can be grown ups…right?” He turned to look at you across the plush sheets of the bed, his green eyes devouring your features. 

“We can be grown ups,” he whispered. 

The mundane routine of getting ready for bed helped you chill, just a little. You wanted nothing more than to feel his hands on your body but at the same time you both didn’t cross that line. As though an unspoken rule had been set between you, a rule you wanted to break. 

Slipping under the covers was a relief, your bare skin shifting against the sheets and you felt the mattress dip next to you as he got in. You tried to talk yourself out of everything you wanted to do as you lay there staring at the ceiling but your body was burning to be touched. Every hair on your skin was highly aware of him laying next to you in the dark, his breathing slightly uneven in the silence and then his hand found yours under the covers. You accepted his grip, your fingers sliding over one another to entwine like lovers and it only served to stoke the desire that was brewing inside you. Your legs shifted and it sounded so loud, he was bound to notice but he didn’t move, just the telltale flex of his fingers on your knuckles. 

Biting your lip you tried to shove out every memory of how he felt inside you, over you, beneath you, behind you…god. You were struggling not to mount him right there and then as the wetness gathered between your legs. You couldn’t sleep like this, maybe if you waited for him to drop off you could go to the bathroom but you weren’t sure you could wait. He moved in the bed, his hand nudging your hip and you looked up at the dimly lit ceiling praying to whoever was listening to grant you the strength to resist. 

His finger lifted off your knuckle and followed the curve of your hip. In that moment you knew this was only going one way. Your hand tensed around his, lifting it over your hip to rest on your thigh. You paused, wanting him to make the next move but all he did was struggle to breathe beside you. The noise of your head turning was so loud but you found him already watching you. His eyes wide, his expression that he barely could control was lit with want and you felt that thin veil between you melt away into nothingness. 

You reached for him, pressing your lips against his leaving him with no doubts of what you wanted. His hand travelled over the softness of your skin, a touch that had you exhaling into him. It was so familiar, so perfect, so wanted. His unsure motions grew bolder until his fingers were where you needed them, right between your legs, stroking your folds with such tender sensations you nearly wept. 

His kisses grew with the force of his motions, pulling his body over yours and the silence in the room was filled with your gasping breaths. It happened quickly, your release spread through you like the warm water of a bath, enveloping your body as you gave yourself to him. A haze of pleasure settled over you and you pushed him onto his back not wanting to lose momentum. 

His hands travelled up the contours of your body as you settled over him, one hand coming up to cup your cheek as you treated him to kisses that stole his breath. He kissed you like he needed you to exist and you kissed him back just as furiously as your hand dropped between your bodies.

Emotion rushed the surface, it clouded your mind as all the love you’d felt for him over the years seemed to overwhelm you at once. Cascading and bathing you both in it’s glow and his emotions rose to match yours. It showed in the way his touches trailed fire over your skin, in the way his gaze held yours as you rode him. It showed through the noises you both made as pleasure like no other rippled through you. You couldn’t breathe as your head tipped back, your hands on his sweaty, heaving chest feeling the heat from his body in your fingertips. You breathed out three words that he returned, his hand sliding up to gently stroke your exposed neck. Your mouth opened in pleasure, his eyes drinking every detail of your body, the way you responded to his voice and his hands. The way you ground onto him chasing your bliss so you could fall apart over him. Exposing everything to him in the throes of your pleasure, those few precious moments where he could see you utterly free on top of him. Free of your mind, free of the past, free of the future. You just were in that moment and he never wanted it to end. 

He hated that you tipped him over the edge, he wasn't ready but his body betrayed him, making him spill inside as you unraveled over him. Your face slack but blissful and he couldn’t help drawing you in for a kiss, a kiss that seemed to give him life. He rolled you onto your back wishing he could carry on but exhaustion was dragging him down. He didn’t sleep last night, just sitting there watching as you slept like the dead after your outburst. 

Your words had tortured him, making him inflict old and wounds back onto himself. You were broken and he had caused that. His arms tightened round you desperately wishing you would never leave him but even now he felt you slipping. The essence of your affection was running out, it swept past him like a stream and not matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t hold on. 

He wanted to come home to you everyday, even when he saw the sadness and disappointment shining in the tears that clung to your lashes he still wanted to come home to you, to love you, cherish and hold you. He saw you in Pippa, the way she smiled was all you, her beauty was all you, even Albie shined through and it made his soul ache. He felt you sigh as you snuggled into him and sleep claimed you long before it claimed him

Chapter Text

5 years later. 

This day was dragging. Like nails on a chalkboard. You found yourself clock watching, just so you could get out of here and stop drowning in emails. You had to pick Pippa up from school and get her to pack her bags, you should have done it this morning but it was getting harder every other week. Someone shouted your name and you looked out the open door of your office.

“You seen that email?” Beaumont hollered and you rolled your eyes. 

“Yes of course I’ve seen the email!” You yelled back. A smile creeping over your face when you saw the time on your computer screen flick to 2:30pm. “But I’m clocking out!” You switched it all off ignoring the sputtering that sounded from him as he silently cursed you under his breath.

“You’re the devil in disguise!” He groaned. 

“You damn right I am. Have a good weekend!” You called, waving a hand over your shoulder. 

It was quiet out here, nothing like the centre of London that you had lived in for half your life. Part of you missed it but most of you enjoyed the quieter roads and spending that 20 minutes in your car was your time. 

Singing to some songs on the radio you drove leisurely to the school, parking up your car and joining the rest of the parents who filtered like cattle into the school gates. You joined the few you spoke to occasionally, your daughters had all formed a firm friendship which dragged you into the world of school mums. You never knew this type of world existed, so much gossip and speculation it made you dread this point of the day, everyday. You often wondered what they said about you but you never dared to ask, that was something you didn’t need to know. 

You beamed as Pippa broke away from her class line, your arms open to welcome her with a huge hug, bag and coat as well the firm grip of your 6 year old. Her eyes flashed and she grinned up at you reminding you of someone else. 

“Hey mumma! Can I go to Lucy’s for a sleepover pleasepleaseplease??” You rolled your eyes at Lucy’s mum, you guys went through this every Friday. 

“Not tonight, remember you’ve got plans this weekend.” She pouted for a moment before realisation dawned on her face. She bid her friends goodbye, holding your hand as you led her back to the car. You listened to her constant chatter as she emptied her bag onto the backseat, telling you what her friends had down and who was upset with who. 

“But what did you do in class?” You asked only for her to shrug and say it was boring. Pulling up outside the house you patiently waited for her to gather all her stuff, her mouth still running away with kids gossip but you tuned her out. 

The front of the house you grew up in had been redone, the garden was one your mum would have been proud of with spring flowers pushing their way up to greet the sun. You pointed out the daffodils that Pippa had planted and she squealed with excitement saying she couldn’t wait to put them in a vase and make the hallway look pretty. 

She bolted upstairs as soon as the door was open, her bag discarded on the floor with her coat floating down to join it but you just sighed and picked it up. You didn’t want to fight with her, not today. You could hear her thundering around upstairs as she got changed, the sound of the laundry basket lid made your eyebrows raise in surprise. So maybe some things you asked were getting through. 

You cleaned out her lunch box, rinsing it under the hot water and leaving it to drain on the side. Next you put the kettle on wondering what you were going to do tonight. Since your relationship with Mark had broken down a few weeks ago you found your child free evenings were yours once again. Nothing awful had happened….he just wasn’t…. him. 

The click of the kettle snapped you back to the moment and you sighed in the steam thinking this was as close as you got to a spa weekend these days. Grabbing your phone you dialed Kat’s number and waited for her to answer as you leaned against the counter gazing out at the garden you had spent most of your childhood in. 

“Hey!” She answered and you instantly smiled at the wail that covered her greeting. 

“How are you getting on?” You asked, making your way through the house to sit in the repainted living room. 

“Oh you know. The boy is as vocal as his father when he’s hungry.” 

“Oh yes I can only imagine the grief he gives you!” You Your heard her shush the baby as she rocked him. 

“How are you anyway? You’re kid free this weekend right?” 

“Yes I am,” you tried to keep your tone light but even after all this time it hadn’t got any easier. Maybe it was because you saw him every other week…you had no idea you just knew in your heart he would always have a piece of you. And that’s why you couldn’t move on. 

“Fancy a visitor with chubby cheeks and curls to rival his fathers?” 

“You know I could never say no to such a cute man in my house….Pippa!” You yelled up the stairs, holding the phone away from your mouth as you waited for her to respond. 

“What?!” She yelled down at you. 

“He’s gonna be here soon so I hope you packed some clothes and whatever else you wanna take! Sorry about that,” you told Kat. You hated it when Pippa dragged out her departure, it left you in the hallway holding the door trying not to look your ex husband in the face as he stood trying not to look at you holding the door. Very awkward, even now. 

“What time is he due?” Kat almost whispered down the phone like it was a secret. 

“Soon,” you replied, biting your lip and clutching your tea as you peered out to the street. Your pulse quickened as the Range Rover came round the corner. “Ok, he’s here,” you whispered, hating the lurch of your stomach as he stepped out of the car. He had come from work, dressed in a white shirt with a tie you had got him. His black trench coat wavered in the breeze as he made his way to your front door. He looked just the same, his hair blazing in the spring daylight and you imagined how much his eyes shined with joy whenever he saw his daughter. You adored seeing them together and you hoped to see more of it. 

“Just breathe!” 

“Yeah yeah. Bye bitch.” You put your phone on the windowsill with your cup of tea already feeling the tension rise in you as he got closer. Your attention was dragged to Pippa as she hauled her bag down the stairs, rushing over you grabbed it off her feeling the weight of it. 

“Wow little lady! Did you pack the kitchen sink?” 

“Mum,” she tutted and rolled her eyes. “I haven’t even been in the kitchen.” Right. Stupid joke. “Is he here?” You opened your mouth to respond when there was a knock at the door and she darted off to answer it. “Daddy!” She screamed, throwing herself into his arms as you slowly approached with the bag. He looked up at you, a smile played around his lips when your gazes connected over your daughters head and suddenly you wished you hadn’t put your tea down due to the dryness in your throat. Hux had only grown more handsome as he aged whereas you probably looked exhausted, but seeing him and the way he interacted with Pippa had a warmth blossoming inside you.

“Hey kid,” he greeted her. “Got your bag?” She turned and grabbed the strap from your grip with a hurried goodbye. You reached for her, pulling her back into your embrace even as she protested loudly she allowed you to hug her and kiss her cheek before she was running for the car. Hux watched her go, telling her the car was unlocked but he stayed on the doorstep and you leaned on the door trying not to let your eyes wander over him. 

“How’s business?” You asked. 

“Not the same since you left,” he admitted. There it was, the pang that struck you every time he spoke like he missed you. It widened that hole in your heart, the one that had never healed. You watched him run a hand through his hair and you knew he was wanting to say something else or he’d have walked to the car by now. 

“You ok?” 

“Yeah.” You sighed and leaned heavily on the door.

“Out with it Armitage or I’m closing the door in your face.” He made that face, the one where he was frustrated with himself, scrunching up his nose as he tried to find the words he wanted to say. 

“Pippa said something about you being sad.” Ah . 

“Girl needs to stop listening to my phone calls. It was nothing ok? I thought she was asleep.” He still hovered by the door, the tension reaching new heights as he swallowed. 

“But you’re ok?” His voice was strained and you could see he was genuinely concerned. It screwed with your head, it made you yearn. The way he looked at you with his head tilted to the side, the raw concern in his gaze that had your heart fluttering. 

“Yeah. You should go,” you breathed just as Pippa yelled if he was coming or not. 

“I’d like…” his hands fidgeted with his tie and you paused at his mumble. 

“Yes?” He glanced at you before dragging his gaze back to glare at the door as though it had offended him in some manner. 

“I feel like you could do with cheering up. Would you like to get some dinner with me and Pippa this weekend?” Your breath faltered slightly and you both turned as your daughter demanded to know what you were talking about. Yelling to the whole street which made you roll your eyes and Hux groaned. “She’s in one of those moods today.”

“Yeah,” you grinned and reached out to pat his chest, realising what you were doing only after you’d brushed the material of his black coat with your hand. Clearing your throat you hitched your smile back up. “Good luck with her this weekend.” You went to shut the door but he put out a hand to stop you. 

“You didn’t answer my question, about dinner.” 

“Yes. Tomorrow?” He smiled, tentatively at first but then it lit up his face, banishing his usual serious expression and you found yourself returning the smile with one of your own. 

“I’ll let Pippa make all the arrangements.”

“You know that means we’ll be eating plastic food in her Wendy house, right?” You pointed out but his reply was instant. 

“I’m game if you are.” He noticed the way you bit your lip and again the atmosphere tightened around you both. 

“Yes. Yes Armitage, I am more than game.” 

“Dad! Let’s goooooo!” 

“Alright Pippa I’m coming!” He made his way up the path and you watched him walk away, waving at your daughter, listening to her berate him for taking so long barely sparing you a glance. 

But Armitage did. He looked back and gave you a subtle wave that reminded you of when you were at college. Walking him back to his house he’d always turn and give you a small wave, just like that. You watched them pull away before closing the door and leaning against it with a sigh. 

You weren’t expecting the rush of emotion that slapped into you, it coiled around your throat strangling you with its intensity and you slid to the floor. Finally alone you could let go, not hindering your cries as you let out everything until you were just sat there with nothing left to expend. Your body ached from the awkward position and your skin felt clogged from your tears but you managed to move. Grabbing your phone you rang Kat and this time she answered quicker. 

“How did it go?” She asked like she knew. 

“Seems I have a dinner date tomorrow.” 

“Only been holding my breath for the last 5 years. Finally. Where’s he taking you?” 

“Kat, shut up. We had no idea this was…” 

“Yes. I did. I always knew. You just needed time. Now, where’s he taking you?” You sighed, imagining her frowning as she waited for your reply. 

“He said he’d let Pippa make arrangements.” 

“Fuck sake. That means you’ll be eating plastic food out of her goddamn Wendy house!” Your peal of laughter rang out loudly and she joined in. “It's good to hear you laugh.” 

“Yeah. It feels good. This feels good Kat.” And it did. After your release at the door you recognised the excitement and it wasn’t mixed with dread, or emptiness, no sorrow tinged the edges. 

It was just pure excitement.

Chapter Text

The weather was awful. Thick sheets of grey fell from the sky, smearing the bright lights of London across your window but you still knew exactly where you were. This would always be a place you’d come back to no matter where you ended up. It was home. 

Thankfully the heat wave had broken but did it need to break in such a dramatic and wet style? You stepped from the taxi and the umbrella flared above your head cutting through the torrential downpour, but not well enough. Water seeped into your shoes, a riverlet spilled off the curve of the umbrella, soaking your hair and trickling disgustingly down your back. 

People filled the checking in area for the hotel but none of them looked as wet and bedraggled as you did. 

Everyone was dressed smartly for the conference and you became highly aware of how creased your skirt was from sitting in the taxi, your shoes were wet and slippery on the smooth floor and you nearly slid to the desk when it was your turn. As soon as that card key was in your hand, your head was down and you were marching for the lift, your small suitcase trailing behind you. 

Not paying attention to your surroundings you read the little booklet the receptionist had given you about the different rooms and what was happening in each one. You didn’t notice when someone stepped up beside you, patiently waiting for the lift with their own suitcase. 

Your phone rang making you curse under your breath as you had to dig it out of your bag at the same time the lift doors dinged. 

“Go up without me!” You huffed pressing accept on the screen. The doors didn’t close and you looked up with annoyance only for your fingers to clutch tightly round the phone and your throat to become as dry as the Sahara desert. 

“Mum?” The voice sounded loud in your ear, jolting you into action. 

“Yes! Yes, sweetheart I’m here.” You stepped forward and positioned yourself next to him, hoping your nervous swallowing wasn’t noticeable down the phone line. Pippa started babbling about Kat’s baby, how he had grabbed her hair and dribbled on her face. Your heart was as fast as a bird in a cage while you tried to concentrate on your daughter's excitement and not think about the cologne of the man standing in the small lift with you. 

“Are you there? Is it busy? Do they put chocolate on your pillow?” 

“No Pippa. They do not put chocolate on your pillow,” you glanced up to see him smiling as he watched the lights change above the doors. “Anyway be good for Aunty Kat and Uncle Poe…”

“Tell her I said hi.” You almost choked at the sound of his voice when the doors opened on your floor and you had to concentrate on walking, talking and pulling your case along. 

“Your father says hello,” you turned, expecting to wave farewell but he was getting out too and you thought your heart was going to stutter and stop. 

“Dad? Dad is there? Let me talk to him!” He stopped when he saw you weren’t moving, you tried not to stare into those ocean glass eyes that were permanently imprinted in your mind as you handed the phone over. 

“She wants to say hi.” His fingers were warm against your own and you cleared your throat trying not to be overwhelmed by feelings. You had assumed this conference would have been a good way to take a break for a few days. 

Since you’d been on a few dates with him you found yourself falling into old patterns, it was so hard not to fall back into bed with him, to let you destroy each other all over again. But you wanted this to work and now he was here. And staying in the room opposite yours.

You watched him smile at something his daughter said, his gaze alighting on you for a moment when he nodded. 

“I promise Pip. All right. Let your mum talk to Kat. Bye Pip!” He handed the phone back and you gave him a quick smile already dreading what Kat was going to say. 

“Is he still there? Can he hear me?” She hissed. You jumped when Hux touched your arm, almost dropping your key in the process. 

“I’ll talk to you later,” he murmured. 

“Ok,” you watched dumbfounded as he disappeared into his room. Of all the places. Of all the times. Of all the fucking rooms! 

“Answer me bitch!” You swung your door open and immediately collapsed onto the bed. 

“I’m here. He’s gone now.” 

“What is happening? You didn’t tell me he was going? If you wanted a weekend away all you had to do was ask…”

“Kat! Stop! I had no idea he was going to be here. We generally don’t talk about work when we’re together.” 

“What are you going to do?”

“Nothing.” 

“Noth—nothing?! Listen here woman. That man is mad for you. I still don’t understand why, WHY, you insist on dragging this out.” She sighed heavily down the phone and you could hear Pippa laughing in the background. “You two need to rip the bandage off, and quickly.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” you told her, rolling to lay on your front and pluck at the covers. “I just feel myself slipping back into those old feelings and I don’t…that’s not where I want to be.” 

“It’s going to feel like that though. It’s you and Armitage. There is no other way I can describe it. You guys had everything once, that’s where you need to get back to.” 

“We can’t just flick back to those chapters in our life. It’s not that simple. And starting again is difficult with our history.” So much history, it filled the void between you and Hux like an obstacle course, one you both have to manoeuvre to meet in the middle. 

“Well, just take each day as it comes then? Attend your conference and then hide in your room. Does he know your room number?” 

“He’s in the room opposite.” 

“Oh fuck. I feel the universe is trying to kick your arses into gear.” 

“Lovely talking to you!” You said loudly, pushing off the bed. 

“Oh come on, you know I’m right!” 

“Say bye to Pippa for me. Love you all bye!” You cut her off and threw the phone away from you. Burying your face into the covers you screamed. This was not how you wanted this conference to go. 

You ordered room service. You had spoken to Beaumont and told him you were too tired to socialise tonight and asked if he could 

 handle it. After a shower you got dressed in your pyjamas and sat cross legged on the bed watching Eastenders, you’d got back into your soaps over the years. Something for you to do in the evenings while Pippa slept or while she was with Armitage. 

You had a bottle of champagne and some crisps that you were picking at when there was a knock on your door. Glancing at your phone you saw it had only gone 8pm, if it was Beaumont you were going to tell him to bugger off. Getting up with a sigh you trudged to the door and opened it without looking through the peephole. 

Your breath caught in your throat so hard you nearly choked, Hux was standing there in a grey suit, his tie was loose and the top buttons were undone. His hair had been agitated from the gel making it drift over his brow. He held a bottle of white wine and two glasses, cocking an eyebrow at your casual attire. 

“Busy?” He enquired with a hint of amusement. 

“Watching Eastenders, so I’m incredibly busy.” But you widened the door and stepped aside to let him pass anyway. Half of you was screaming in horror while the other half was curling up with excitement, you weren’t sure which one was going to win. 

Releasing the door you walked past him to sit at the window seat. It was dark but the rain was still falling, splashing against the plane of glass as though wanting to spy on what was happening in your room. Your pulse quickened as he approached, your hand automatically reaching out for the glass he offered you. He settled next to you on the seat, leaning back and crossing his legs with a sigh. 

Desperately you tried to focus on some lights below, how the rain changed their appearance with every new drop but you weren’t strong enough to resist. Your gaze wandered to him, following the line of his side profile as he stared at the ceiling. 

“Is it busy downstairs?” You managed to ask, before wetting your mouth with the wine. Your favourite white, no less. 

“Yes. All stuffy and boring. But your absence was noted,” he turned to look at you, making a heat roil under your skin. A sensation that was all too familiar and damaging. 

“What brings the owner of First Order Publishings to a lowly conference?” He inhaled deeply, staring down into his glass. 

“Well, I still haven’t found someone I trust as much as I did you. So I have to do it.” You rolled your eyes and leaned against the window to give him a knowing look. 

“It’s been more than 5 years, you can’t do everything, Armitage.”

“So come back?” Pain flickered with every beat of your heart, you wanted nothing more than to go back to the company you’d worked in for most of your life. To see him everyday, to sit in your office once again, but you had broken free. You were you for the first time in your life and you didn’t want to retread your own footsteps through this new half of your life.

“Armitage…” he lifted a hand in silent apology when he saw the anguish cross over your features. Both of you sipped the wine, bathed in the light from the tv as you fought the rising tension between you. “Pippa had a project at school last week about the Romans,” you said, changing the subject.

“Ah yes. She did moan to me that you and Kat had pricked her with pins trying to get her costume to fit,” he recounted with a slight grin. 

“That child fidgets!” You exclaimed, unfolding your legs to get up and get the bottle of wine. “She cannot stand still for five minutes.”

“She’ll grow out of it,” he murmured. “I was the same.” 

“Sometimes I think she’s your double…” you started. 

“But then you fall out of her mouth,” he finished and you beamed at him as you topped up his glass. “She really is the best of us,” he sighed.

“We’re going to be in trouble when she’s a teenager,” you commented, settling back down on the seat. 

“After everything we got up to, yes we’re in serious trouble,” he moaned, lifting the glass up. 

“Here’s to parents of headstrong daughters,” you said, knocking your glass against his. You could feel his eyes on your face as you took a long sip but you concentrated on the rain outside once again. Ignoring the thrumming of your body, the knock of your pulse that seemed to thread through to your fingertips. 

“I should be going. Need to be up early to get a decent seat at breakfast. Care to join me?” Your brain short circuited for a moment but then you realised he was talking about breakfast and not his bed. 

“Oh, yes I’m sure you’ll see me there. Can’t resist a fried egg and hash browns.” Your eyes widened when he shifted on the seat, leaning into your space and you froze. 

All you could hear was the drum of your heart when his hand tentatively slid up the side of your face, his fingers tangling in the still damp strands of your hair. His pupils had blown wide, drowning out the green you knew so well. They danced over your features, noticing your parted lips as you breathed in small gasps at his feather light touch. You saw him hesitate, so you made the next move. 

Your body became fluid as you moved forward, heat curled up from your stomach to coalesce in your chest. But when your lips finally touched, nothing else existed for you. He washed over you like a comforting blanket, the aroma of home and all things that were ingrained into your very soul. 

The kiss was soft, both of you holding back because you knew where it would lead if you didn’t. Still you pressed into him, parting your lips so he could claim you, possess every part of you. His fingers hooked around the back of your neck and your hand lifted to hold onto his wrist. He was all you could taste, his scent was drowning you, smothering you in the most delicious way as his body leaned to rest over yours. 

You could feel him between your legs as the kiss continued, your body responding to the hypnotising sensation of him. He gasped against your lips like a man starved of oxygen and you were the only source for miles, the sound of it sent your mind soaring to new heights and you chased his mouth not wanting this to end. 

But he whispered your name, making your eyes flutter open and see the concentration that marked his face. He looked like he was in pain, his bottom lip dragged between his teeth and he sighed. Slowly he retreated, his scent clinging to you but his warmth left with him. Your legs fell closed in his absence, not trusting yourself to get up as you pull them up closer to you. 

“Goodnight,” he told you firmly. 

“Goodnight, Armitage.” He nodded, his fingertips pressing into the top of the chair that rested at the small desk in your room before turning sharply and taking his leave. 

You skipped breakfast the next day, you’d barely slept and your stomach was a knot of nerves. The kiss had played on a loop in your mind. You even tried to work it out of your system with your fingers, but didn’t come close to dulling the ache you had for your ex husband. You were going to do your best to avoid him today, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to see him. It was because you did want to see him. You were here to work, and relax for a weekend, to take time to reflect on how things were going with him after a grand total of three dates. Well, that had been the plan anyway. 

You text Beaumont to meet you at your room and he did, rapping smartly on the door at 7:30am sharp. 

“Morning,” he began to rattle off what was available today and you tried to listen but you were highly aware the door opposite yours was Hux’s. Was he downstairs already? God you needed another coffee, or something stronger. 

Entering the lift Beaumont continued, letting you know who was here as he’d already been downstairs and one name made your entire body lock up. 

“Stop…say that again?” 

“Enric Pryde. He recently took over Blue Publishings.”

“Damn. All right, avoid him at all costs,” you demanded. “The man thinks he’s the king of publishing but I can assure you there’s someone else who would rival that title.” Enric fucking Pryde. Here! 

The doors dinged softly and the ambiance of the restaurant reached you. The clink of cutlery on shiny white plates, rich conversation and laughter weaved through the air, the hiss of a milk frother caught your attention and you headed for it with your assistant trailing behind. 

“Espresso, please.” You asked at the counter, casting your gaze round the room but you couldn’t see a shock of ginger and you began to relax a little. The smell of breakfast was amazing but all it did was successfully turn your stomach. Beaumont ordered a latte, both of you sat at an empty table to discuss what presentations you’d each take through the day.

Your name slithering from someone else’s mouth had the cup clattering down into the saucer, spilling the dregs of your espresso. You shivered from the icy fingers that voice created down your spine and you let loose a slight hysterical giggle as the old man approached, his startling blue eyes piercing and steely. 

“Enric! It’s been far too long!” Beaumont sat uselessly opposite you, probably shocked into silence, the poor kid's eyes were wide as you stood up to accept a kiss on the cheek. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here and under a different company name.” He tutted quietly, pursing his lips together as he studied you. “That’s a story you’re going to have to tell me over dinner.”

“Dinner?” You couldn’t keep the panicked edge out of your voice and you glanced at Beaumont. 

“Tonight 6:30pm you have an invitation to dine with some of the top people in the business,” he whispered. 

“My boy, she is one of the top people in the business. Shame you didn’t come to me when things fell apart. Maybe I could persuade you? Hux was a fool to let you go.” 

“I didn’t exactly give him a choice in the matter,” you said sharply and Enric smiled, but it didn’t reach his cool eyes. 

“We shall catch up later, my dear.” You didn’t realise your hands were shaking until you sat down again. 

“You ok?” Beaumont asked and you nodded. 

“Yes, but I am not looking forward to this dinner later.” 

The rest of the day passed in a blur of presentations and chatting with people you knew through the business. Many of them didn’t know about the breakup of your marriage so you felt your smile was fake for most of the day. Stretching it across your face in an effort to disguise the growing frustration you had every time Hux was brought up. It had been over 5 years, didn’t people have something better to talk about?? You spied Hux once or twice during the day but he was deep in conversation with other people which allowed you to turn and head in the opposite direction. You wanted to sit down with him and talk properly. Not at a conference surrounded by so many other people who were currently all gossiping about your private life. 

Finally you trudged back to your room, the weight of socialising for so long was heavy on your shoulders and you couldn’t wait to get in your room and shed some of it with a nice relaxing shower. And then do it all over again, tiptoeing around the social minefield Pryde was no doubt going to make you walk through at dinner. 

The dress that you had brought with you was a simple black, chiffon material that flowed from your hips. The neckline was a deep V and you debated putting a strappy top on underneath to lessen the devastating effect of your cleavage. But you couldn’t be bothered to take it all off again. The material covered the top of your shoulders, wrapping round your waist slightly and it was plain. Just how you liked it, not wanting to draw attention, especially now Pryde was here. That man was vile, one of Brendol Hux’s best friends and you were fairly sure Pryde knew about the abuse Armitage had suffered at his friend's hands and did nothing about it. 

Putting some lip gloss on in the mirror, you rolled your lips together and slipped your phone, key card and bank card into a small bag. Tugging some heels on you frowned when there was a knock at your door. Cursing softly you hobbled with one shoe on and opened the door to reveal Hux standing there in an all black suit. The top button of his black shirt was undone and had clearly gone down the more casual route while still looking impeccably smart. He smiled at the sight of you, immediately crouching down to help put your other shoe on. Heat swirled to your face as you leaned on his shoulder for balance, floundering in the smell of his cologne. One that you recognised. 

“Off somewhere nice?” You asked knowing full well he was attending this damn meal, of course he was. 

“I heard a lady didn’t have company to dinner, so I thought I would offer my services.” 

“Jesus Christ Armitage, you sound like an escort service,” you muttered. Pushing away from him as soon as your shoe was on properly and the straps were all done up. 

“Makes me wonder how you know what one would sound like.” 

“I hire them all the time, didn’t you know?” You told him dismissively, picking up your bag and checking you had everything. 

“Someone is feeling on edge this evening,” he commented. 

“It’s just a long day and…well Pryde is going to be at dinner.” You peered up at him trying to get a read on his reaction but he kept his expression blank. 

“I had expected he’d make an appearance, what with his recent expansion,” he said carefully. “He offered to buy FO.” 

“Excuse me?” You rounded on him as you both paused at the lifts. “The audacity of the man!” 

“He offered me a decent price,” Hux murmured, a hand in his pocket as his gaze fixed on the light above the doors. 

“You considered it?” You could see the quiet contemplation on his face and you just knew he had. And why. 

“I decided not to. Obviously,” he swallowed harshly, trying to quell some rising emotion. “But I did consider it.” You fell into your own thoughts as you both rode the lift in silence. For him to even contemplate selling the company was huge and if you were honest, it rocked you a little.You leaving, couldn’t have messed with him that much, surely? You felt the lift slowing down and you slipped your arm into his, looking up at him hoping he’d look your way just for a moment, but he didn’t. Just holding your hand close in the crook of his elbow, he led you into the restaurant that had been decked out for tonight’s meal. Most people from the conference would be dining here but a few had special invites into a private dining room. 

Hux dropped your arm to open the door for you, checking to see if you were ready and you gave him a small nod. As soon as it opened that fake smile you thought you were done with, reappeared and you were all pleasantries as you worked the room. Pryde sought you out almost immediately, walking with you and introducing you to people you didn’t know. You tried not to show your disgust at the way he possessively put a hand on your back and you deliberately did not look at your ex husband to see his reaction. 

Enric took you over to the small bar, you ordered a G&T and he ordered a whiskey on the rocks. You could see Armitage had his back to you at the moment and you were grateful he was ignoring you as much as you were him. 

“So tell me, what did happen for you to leave that cushiony position?” You shrugged, desperately trying to think of something to say other than; my husband had an affair, we fell apart at the binding, I left him as broken as he left me? 

“Well things happen. It just didn’t suit me anymore. I moved out of London and got my daughter into a nice school on the outskirts.” 

“A daughter?” His gaze followed your line of sight, a calculating smirk curving his lips. “Interesting.” 

“But what about you? I heard you’re trying to buy up every publishing business you can get your hands on.” You blinked innocently at him and the anger that sparked in his gaze died down. 

“I am expanding my empire,” he gushed. “You know I could make room for someone of your talents.” A rough giggle erupted from you as he guided you to the table in the middle of the room. 

“I already have a job, Enric.” 

“Pish posh, darling. Minor details.” You spied Hux moving, still chatting with someone from another company as they approached the table. He didn’t even look at you as he grabbed the chair next to you, but you could see Pryde smile wickedly as your ex husband firmly planted himself beside you. 

This wasn’t your ideal situation, in fact if you could be anywhere on earth right now, you’d take it. Just absolutely, anywhere. You were sure people were casting looks in your direction, gossiping about your broken marriage and forming their own, wrong, opinions. The only thing you could do was hitch your smile up and join in the conversation someone had started further down the table. 

You found yourself relaxing when nothing happened, Armitage didn’t even talk to you which was fine. Perfect. You all ordered your meals and when the starter was being cleared away you dared to start enjoying yourself. Even braving a second G&T. You listened to Enric and his boasting, pretty sure your eyes had glazed over more than once but he didn’t notice, as long as you grinned and nodded in the appropriate places. 

The mains arrived and for the first time Hux acknowledged you, his green eyes crinkling slightly as he smiled at your food choice. 

“I knew you’d order the steak,” he murmured. 

“It was the most appetising thing on the menu,” you told him with a shrug. “I bet you ordered the steak.” Sure enough, they put a steak in front of him and you couldn’t stop the self satisfied smile that graced your lips. 

“Just shows you still know me better than anyone else,” he said, leaning into you slightly, his shoulder bumping yours. For a moment it seemed like no one else was at the table, it was just you and him as you gazed at each other. 

“You were a fool to let her go, Hux.” Your eyes rolled slightly and Armitage tipped forward to look past you. 

“I have no idea what you mean, Pryde.” 

“She was the backbone of your company and you just let her walk out of the front door.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” you said lightly. “And I do believe it was my choice.” 

“Did you know FO turnover has decreased by 10% since you left?” Enric told you smugly and you glanced at Hux in surprise. 

“Armitage, that’s a lot,” you whispered. But he acted like he hadn’t heard you, slicing into his steak and you were pretty sure he was pretending it Enric’s face. 

“I tried to buy FO, see if I could turn them around,” Entic said loudly to the person next to him. Oh Jesus. You turned to tell Pryde to be quiet or distract him at least but Hux’s cutlery clattered loudly onto his plate, bringing a hush to the table. 

“Enough.” He snarled. “I refused your offer, and my company's gross profit is still more than most in the country.” 

“Surely now would be the time to sell, you’re on a slippery slope. One your father would have been ashamed to be on.” Armitage launched out of his seat, but you were already standing with him. Providing the barrier he so desperately needed against the idiot behind you. 

“Let’s take a walk,” you mumbled, fully aware every single eye was on the pair of you. “Move, Armitage!” You hissed, pushing on his rigid body as he glared at the old man who sipped his whiskey like nothing had happened. Finally he complied, but your heart didn’t stop pounding. 

His strides were long as he headed to the lifts, a hand carding through his hair in agitation. He didn’t speak, he didn’t need to. You could read him like a book. A redness flushed the tops of his ears, his footsteps were heavy as he paced, waiting for the lift. When the doors opened he turned to you but he couldn’t bring himself to meet your gaze. 

“You don’t have to stay. You should go back.” His tone was sharp but he was just riding out the rush of anger at the mention of his father. 

“You think I want to head back in there? If you want to be alone, fine. I just want to get in my pyjamas and watch tv.” He leaned heavily against the wall of the lift and you knew now he was silently berating himself for his outburst. 

“I’m sorry if I ruined your night.” You scoffed loudly and rested your back against the wall beside him. 

“Are you kidding me? They’ll be talking about this for years to come. Highlight of my weekend.”

“And there I was, thinking that kiss last night would have been the highlight,” he sighed. “I clearly need to up my game.” 

“Maybe you do.” The words slipped out before you could stop them, interest flared in those pale green irises and you had to look away. Your bottom lip was sucked into your mouth, a motion you barely remember doing. 

The silence between you was anything but silent. Your body seemed determined to betray you with every function. Your heart was trying to pound its way through your ribs, forcing your pulse to throb loudly. Your breathing was loud, dragging between your partly open lips and you were sure Armitage could hear every single one you took. Your insides were quivering but you kept repeating in your mind, you were going your separate ways. Hux in his room and you in your room. 

The doors loomed in front of you far too quickly for your liking and you turned to face him. God, this was awkward. Your brain was melting at the sight of him, the way he looked at you sent shivers down your spine. Your hands flexed, itching to drag through that plush hair as you remembered your last encounter in a hotel. 

“I’m going to get out of these shoes and put some pyjamas on,” you breathed, backing towards your door. He stepped towards you, his ocean green eyes, stormy as he came closer. “A-and then I’m going to watch some nonsense on tv.” You licked the corner of your mouth, the door was suddenly firm against your back and heat unfurled in your body as he stalked closer. 

“Sounds like you have your evening all planned,” his voice was steady and light. He glanced casually toward the lifts, he still had a hand in his pocket and the other swept that little fringe of hair back. Seeing no one else was around he moved quickly. Bringing his hands up to cup your face, crowding you against the door so hard it jolted in the frame. 

His lips were insistent and you let the moan slip from your throat as he explored your mouth. The kiss was intense, stealing every sense from you and awakening everything you’d worked so hard to keep buried. 

“Care to change those plans?” He whispered, his voice aching with need and you nearly swooned. 

“Yes,” you breathed. “New plans.” Your hand was shaking when you went into your bag to look for your key. He leaned on the door, still pressing into you so when you turned you felt everything through the thin material of your dress. He swept the hair away from your neck, his lips persistent as he kissed the exposed skin of your throat. His other hand trailed heavily down the curve of your body and your eyes closed as a strong wave of need made your legs tremble. 

As soon as the door unlocked you were both tumbling through. His hands stayed on you, whirling you back round to face him as he desperately feasted on your lips before the door had even swung closed. Your hands gravitated to his hair, pulling through the rich locks of fire that you’d been thinking about all day. 

He walked you backwards to the bed, your legs knocking into the frame and you broke off the kiss to crawl onto the covers. He followed, his eyes never leaving yours as he caged you beneath him. 

Your legs fell open and he settled down along your body, his hand coming up to toy with your throat as he ravaged your mouth again. His hips pressed down, stroking his hard length along the apex of your thighs making you gasp wildly into his mouth. 

“I’ve wanted you all fucking day,” he growled. “I’ve wanted you for weeks…years.” Both your motions slowed at his confession. He rested his forehead on yours, his eyes closed so he didn’t see the reaction on your face. Gently you ghosted a hand along the side of his face, trying not to get swept up in the ache that rose in your chest. 

“It’s only ever been you,” you whispered. Hux rolled onto his side and you shifted with him. Still trailing your fingertips over his face, tracing the line of those features you had committed to memory. “Armitage…”

“I just want us to be us again,” he whispered brokenly. Your heart started to burn at the edges, the words of your story were imprinted there for all eternity no matter how hard you tried to ignore them. He was written all over you, branded into your very soul and there was no escape. You’d been resisting for far too long and it was a wonder he was even still here, trying. 

“One last chance,” you murmured. His gaze magnetised to yours, a sigh fell from him and he nodded. 

“One last chance,” he agreed. You moved closer, tugging his face towards you for a kiss, his hands lifted you on top of him, holding on firmly to the curve of your hips. You rocked against him, feeling the intensity of the kiss increase as your bodies took over. 

His fingers deftly unzipped the back of your dress, a soft groan rumbled from him at the feel of your bare skin and you sat up to slip your arms out. The fabric pooled around your waist and his gaze devoured the sight of you sitting half naked on top of him. 

His chest heaved as his hand slid shakily up your body, delicately touching your stomach and brushing the underside of your bra. Sitting still, you let him reacquaint himself with your body, holding his shoulders to steady yourself as he sat up. You slipped your hands under his jacket, sliding it carefully off his shoulders, smoothing the fabric of his shirt down as both your breaths mingled in their closeness. 

He wrapped his arms around you, hauling you impossibly closer, his face buried in the crook of your neck as you returned the embrace. You ran your finger nails up and down his back, feeling the tension leave him as he sagged slightly against you. 

He started to nibble the underside of your jaw, tilting your head back to allow him better access, his hand coming up to cradle the back of your head. You found yourself falling backwards and he followed, his cock straining in the confines of his trousers as he kissed his way down your body. His long fingers curled over the fabric of your dress, gently swiping it down your body until you were just in your underwear and heels. 

Your eyes fluttered when he appeared back over you, the concentration on his face had you canting your hips upward slightly, wanting him to touch you where you needed him the most. You entwined your fingers in that flop of fiercely red hair, seeing his eyes half close at the sensation of you touching him. 

He splayed a hand over your stomach, slowly drifting it down to stroke the inside of your thigh, his eyes watching every change that came over your face as you silently pleaded with him. Finally he swiped your core, such a teasing gesture that instantly had you gasping for more. 

He trailed a finger along the line of your underwear, the tickle of it had your stomach tensing and he actually smirked. Well two could play that game. You locked gazes with him, reaching down to stroke his hard length through the fabric and he bucked softly into your touch. His own fingers pushed your underwear aside, his lips seeking out yours as he felt how wet you were for him. His teasing sent you to new heights, his fingers knew you more intimately than anyone else and he used that to his advantage. Gently pushing past your clit had you clutching at him and he exhaled abruptly against your open mouth. 

He slowly dipped two fingers into your heat, your back arcing off the bed almost in relief. You cunt welcomed him, fluttering around his fingers greedily when he curled them round to find that magic bundle of nerves inside you. 

Your hands moved, ripping open the fastenings for his trousers and delved into his pants, both of you panting as you palmed the heated silkiness that resided there. It had been so long since you’d touched a man, let alone this man. 5 years of desire and urgency threatened to overwhelm you, so you kept eye contact with him as you pumped his cock. Desperately trying to stay in the moment as his fingers plunged into you, dragging a cry from your chest. 

Heat prickled across your body, tingling its way up your neck as your head rolled on the covers, your mouth opening as the edges of your orgasm covered your body. Your hips rolled, trying to get more friction off his hand and he let you chase that high your body craved.

Hux slotted his lips over your mouth, sucking down each cry you fed him. Your hand gripped him tightly as you pumped him faster and he made such a sinful noise it had you tipping over the edge. Mind numbing bliss exploded through your body and white spots erupted behind your tightly closed lids as you unravelled beneath him.

He left you limp and boneless on the bed as he shed himself of his shirt, kicking off his trousers, he was back on you in moments. His arms crowded you, fingers tangling in your hair as he kissed you deeply. His cock hot and heavy against your wetness, pressing in tightly against you, as though worried you were going to disappear. 

Each rut of his hips had you gasping. Reaching down you tugged at his pants, rolling them down to free his cock. He hooked his fingers in yours, yanking them off with a firm pull that had the material splitting making you moan. 

He held his cock, running it along your folds and coating himself in your slick, nudging your clit and sending a new wave of electricity through your body. He notched the spongy head at your entrance, his hand coming to rest next to your shoulder as he pushed into you with a soft groan. You spread your legs wider, your mind shattering at the way he stretched your cunt, filling it so perfectly, like he was made just for you. He huffed loudly, resting his forehead on your clavicle as he slowly pressed further into you. 

“I’ve missed you,” he breathed, the words scorching your chest before they dissipated. You lifted his head, your eyes focussed on his pink lips needing to taste him again. He pulled himself out slowly, his cock dragging enticingly against the clenching walls of your cunt. Thrusting back into you in a single swipe, started a chain reaction neither of you could deny. 

He set a relentless rhythm, pushing you to the edge of the bed as he rutted forcefully into you. So many years of pent up frustration, years of denial and unspoken words of desire came through in his actions. It made your soul ache, your heart pumped wildly as you clung to him. Your bodies melded into one, writhing together as you both gave over every single page of yourselves. 

Sweat gathered on your skin, his hands sliding over you as he clutched you tightly to him, bringing your body to that point you couldn’t escape. Your nails dug into his back, your other hand raked across his scalp and you buried your teeth into his shoulder. 

His name ripped from you, it was the only word you could say as he ploughed you into the bedsheets, burying you beneath him in a show of possessiveness and need. 

“You’re mine,” he snarled in your ear, his hand tight at your throat and his eyes consumed every flicker of pleasure that crossed your face. “I’m yours,” he whispered. His tone breaking, revealing the sadness that he’d been carrying around all these years. “Please don’t leave me again,” he uttered heartbreakingly against your neck as his hips snapping devastatingly into your body. 

Raw emotion eviscerated your insides, everything that had been behind the locked door, burst forth. Tears leaked from your eyes, your mouth was anxious as you came together in a clash of bruised lips and teeth. You wanted him, needed him with you all the time. You belonged together and now, you felt free for the first time in years. There had been a time you thought the story between you was over, but this proved it wasn’t. The pages kept turning and you never wanted them to stop. 

You cried out loudly, your heightened emotions made your entire body tense up as he pounded you towards the most soul ripping orgasm you’d ever experienced. He spilled first with a noise so deep it was almost animalistic, his cock throbbing deep in the softness of your cunt as he filled you again and again. The pressure of his release pushed you towards yours and you fell completely apart underneath him. 

You could feel his body over you even though you were floating, drifting in a sea of ecstasy as your body shattered and remade itself. You could feel him still thrusting into you, keeping the pleasure thrumming between you, slowly bringing you back together only to let you break apart in his arms once more. 

Finally he stilled, his exhausted form was heavy and damp on top of you. His chest heaved in time with yours, his breath washing over your skin and leaving goosebumps in its wake. You didn’t want to move and break the precarious essence of peace that had settled over you both. 

“Can we stay here forever?” You whispered. He let out a soft chuckle, turning his face as he snuggled against you, his cock still half hard inside you. 

“I’m not moving,” he stated quietly. Your fingers picked their way through his damp hair, tugging the strands gently before letting them fall back to join the rest. 

You moved a little and he tensed, his hips pressing into you slightly and you cocked an eyebrow at the sensation. 

“Already?” You queried. He inhaled, groaning softly as he buried his face into you. 

“That all happened far too quickly for my liking,” he muttered. “I could do it all again.” You giggled when he rolled over, pulling you with him. Sitting up, you widened your hips to sink down on him. He reached up to remove your bra, leaning forward he took your breast in his mouth, his tongue swirling suggestively over your nipple. 

“Haven’t we got to be up early?” You breathed, your voice catching on the huskiness in your throat. 

“My plans have changed,” he muttered as he nuzzled the column of your throat. Your hips rolled, pulling a sharp inhale from you both and his fingers splayed up the side of your neck. “I don’t plan on doing anything, other than you for the rest of the weekend.”

“Mmm that sounds so good. Much better than what I had planned for this weekend.” 

“You make everything better,” your eyes closed as his lips nibbled along your bottom jaw. 

“Armitage….” His name tore from you like a sinful prayer and soon you were both sinking into the pools of pleasure you’d only just escaped from. You both got lost in the feel of each other, baring your souls more than you’d ever had before and showing each other just how strong your love truly was. 

The night closed in around you, the soft glow of London the only light in the room as you lay entwined together in the bed. His hand drifted lazily along your arm, lulling you into that comfortable state just before you fall asleep. 

“I love you,” he whispered into the darkness. “But that phrase never feels enough.” 

“I know,” you whispered back. “Because I feel the same.”