Archive of Our Own ^beta

Midoriya is back.

Shouto knows he should feel happier because that means they’ve succeeded, he should be thrilled, honestly.

But somehow, the feeling isn’t there.

Shouto’s been feeling numb and antsy ever since they got back to the school. Endeavor thought it was best for him to go back before they started their quest to find his brother and although Shouto wasn’t at all happy about it, he didn’t feel like crossing him for the time being.

He hasn’t left his room much, opting for staying holed up in there alone with his thoughts and messy feelings about a thousand different things rather than being around the others. He’s been leaving only when his presence is absolutely necessary, which hasn’t been the case in the past few days as everyone has been taking a short break from the very exhausting mission they’ve been through. Getting Midoriya back was quite the task, he was determined to fight them at first, stubborn as always.

So all Shouto has been doing besides lying around all day is waiting for his turn to patrol around the perimeter of the school. As heroes in training, they’ve been taking shifts in pairs ever since the families had moved into the dorms for their safety. 

Part of Shouto is glad that he hasn’t been paired up with Bakugou since they got Midoriya to come back. Shouto doesn’t know how to face him now, he doesn’t want to deal with the aftermath of Bakugou’s apology to his childhood friend — the person who also happens to be Bakugou’s soulmate. 

Deep in his heart, Shouto has always known things would turn out like this but the reality of it still stings more than a little bit. Shouto thought he would have more time to prepare for the blow at least, but is it even possible to ever be prepared for something like this?

Midoriya hasn’t talked to him ever since he’s got back. Which is fair. Midoriiya’s been trying to readjust and Shouto doesn’t blame him, the guy probably has a lot on his mind, as they all do. 

It’s not like Shouto’s a priority at a time like this to anyone with much more pressing matters at their hands. 

Then there’s Endeavor, who still hasn’t gotten back to him so they can address Touya together the way he’d promised they would. Endeavor told him that there were a few things he needed to deal with first. The number one hero has his hands full at the moment and Shouto understands it, even though he doesn’t trust him and feels like he might be getting sidelined once again, all he can do is wait for him. 

It’s funny, in a twisted up type of humor, how those tables had turned and now Shouto is the one chasing after Endeavor.

Finally, Bakugou. The blond hasn’t knocked on his door either. Shouto thinks that’s fair, too. He understands that Bakugou probably wants to be with his soulmate, they’ve been severed for so long already and now it’s time for them to stitch their bond back together the way it’s supposed to be. 

Shouto shouldn’t have allowed himself to fall for Bakugou the way he has, but there’s no going back from it now. He understands that he shouldn’t have let himself get his hopes up once again despite how hurt, scared, alone, and so damn vulnerable he was, however, Bakugou was right there beckoning him with open arms.

Shouto was never as strong as he was made to believe, he needed — wanted, craved, so, so badly — to be comforted, to be held tightly and to feel safe for once, and Bakugou had offered him all of those things. Although Shouto shouldn’t have clung to him the way he did, he doesn’t think he would have been able to act any differently.

Come to think of it, he thought the same about Midoriya back then. His first friend ever. He clung to him, Shouto would follow Midoriya through hell without questioning it, and yet, it seems like those feelings weren’t mutual.

Perhaps, he had just been naive. 

However, Shouto isn’t selfish, he knows Midoriya doesn’t owe him anything, and neither does Bakugou, nor his father for that matter.

Shouto is aware that he shouldn’t be feeling the way he does about any of it because people have their own particular reasons for doing things the way they do, but he can’t help it, it’s stronger than him.

He doesn’t know what to make of any of it, doesn’t even know how to name the odd feeling that has his stomach tied up in knots and the corners of his eyes stinging. Somehow this feeling, whatever it might be, doesn’t feel new. When Shouto closes his eyes, he can hear the soft whistle of a tea kettle in the far back of his mind. He tries to cover his ears and will the unsavory thoughts away, but it does little to help.

Unbearable. Unsightly. Undesirable.

Not worth having around. Not worth saving.

Shouto gets it.

Shouto’s curled up on his bed with his back turned to the door when a dry knock startles him. He doesn’t know what time is it exactly, but he knows it might be pretty late because everyone else has gone quiet at least an hour or two ago. 

He stays still, thinking that whoever it might be, they’ll give up as soon as they realize Shouto’s asleep, so he doesn’t move. It takes a minute, then two.

On the third, they knock again, punching the wood harder this time and Shouto holds his breath, that stifling feeling washing over him once again.

Please, go away—

“Oi, shitty half and half, open up! I know you’re awake, dammit!” Bakugou’s voice sounds surprisingly gentler than his usual harsh tone, he’s not even yelling. “I…” Is that… hesitation? “Fuck, I need to talk to you, alright?”

Shouto worries his bottom lip between his teeth, pulling at the healing skin until it stings with new tiny bruises from biting them too hard, taking in a sharp breath. He knows Bakugou is stubborn enough that if he’s really determined to talk to him, he won’t hesitate to blast his door open, so he jumps off his bed with a sigh and drags his feet to the door.

“Todoroki, just… Fuck. Will you let me in… please? ” Shouto’s eyes go wide as he reaches the doorknob. It takes him off guard because Bakugou never says please.

Well, he never says sorry either, but Shouto guesses it’s yet another thing he does now. Character development and all that.

He pulls his door open just as Bakugou has his fist ready to pound at it again and they both seem to freeze. They just keep there, staring at each other but neither makes an attempt to talk first. Shouto’s heart is going crazy and he can feel his hands shaking, tightening the grip around the doorknob.

Once Bakugou recovers, he pushes himself inside and stands in the middle of his room. Shouto notices he looks… unsure? It’s an odd look for Bakugou, one that Shouto doesn’t see often. He tries to calm himself down just a bit as he closes the door slower than ever, trying to buy himself a few more seconds before he has to turn around and face Bakugou again.

“Uhm,” Shouto manages. “You wanted to talk?”

He really doesn’t want to do this right now. 

When Shouto and Bakugou had started sleeping together, it was shortly after Midoriya ran away.

“I just don’t want to think. About any of it.” Shouto had told him that night, distantly, feeling so detached from everything and everyone. Shouto had so much on his mind, everything felt like a heavyweight that made his heart sink deeper and deeper. He just wanted — needed — to forget.

So Bakugou took him on. They fucked sloppily and desperate, lost themselves in each other until everything else faded into the background.

Until there were no thoughts of missing friends, and the fuck ups of his whole family being exposed, and Endeavor with his regrets, and Dabi going after Shouto’s head, and all the people who have died in the process, and all the complicated implications and the intricate thread of lies and secrets all of these matters might hold. 

There was nothing but that safety blanket in the shape of Bakugou Katsuki thrown over his body, where he could pretend there was intimacy and that for a second there he belonged somewhere as they were joined, pressed together so impossibly close that they couldn’t even be told apart. 

But Shouto still knew better. Bakugou will always be Midoriya’s soulmate and Shouto was just serving as a replacement at the time. Nothing but a warm, willing body to slip into to allow Bakugou to forget about his troubles.

It might not have been the healthiest way to cope with everything they had lost and were grieving over. Perhaps it wasn’t even fair on either of their sides to take their frustrations out on one another like this.

But it was a mutual agreement. Catharsis for both of them, so why not take the plunge. 

Shouto should’ve guarded himself better, however. He should’ve kept his ice barriers held up high and strong to secure his heart and keep it safe from the heartache that would sure come.

Now Midoriya is back and Shouto knows he should feel happier than this, but the lump stuck around his throat tells him otherwise. 

Shouto only ever wanted to matter to someone. His mother. His siblings. Even his father. He ended up letting his guard down, he allowed himself hope that he could matter to Bakugou because he was so pathetically desperate to just feel important to someone. 

“Why the fuck have you been avoiding me, asshole?” Bakugou blurts, fists clenched on each side as if he’s on edge.

Shouto turns to look at him, noticing the tension around his shoulders and how worked up Bakugou actually is.

“I…” Does he even know how to respond to that?

He knows why he’s been avoiding Bakugou. Kinda. And everyone for that matter. He didn’t want to face the bitter truth and the humiliation that would come with it. He didn’t want to deal with the pain.

And above all, Shouto didn’t want Bakugou to see how he had pathetically fallen for him even though he knew he had a soulmate and that it was a matter of time before he and Midoriya worked things out.

“I thought you wanted some space,” he tells him a half-truth instead. “Since… You know, since your soulmate is back.”

Bakugou clenches his fists even tighter, he grinds his teeth, stepping forward to get into Shouto’s space. Despite his body shaking, Shouto doesn’t move an inch.

Bakugou exhales loudly.

Is he mad? Why is he mad?

“You thought I was using you as some cheap replacement.” It’s not a question. It’s a statement. Sharp and on point.

Shouto did. That’s what he was, wasn’t it?

Wouldn’t be the first time either. The purpose of his entire life ever since his birth has always revolved around him being a substitute for someone else. 

He hadn’t known before Dabi’s reveal, all he had ever known was that Touya-nii was there once and then he wasn’t anymore, and that training got worse than ever when his older brother “died”.

Touya had been all Endeavor could have wished for. Everything Shouto never could be and he feared he never would. He gets it now, understands better why his father has always treated him the way he has.

Shouto was born to fit into a role. And this role was to cover a hole left by someone else.

It happened with Midoriya, too. The friendship they’ve built was meant to be a temporary thing until Midoriya and Bakugou could figure out their own issues. Now that everything has been settled between them, Shouto isn’t needed anymore. He would admit accepting it was a bitter pill to swallow, but Shouto gets it — he understands .

The type of hero he wants to be is someone who can put others at ease with his presence. He supposes that giving himself to people like Bakugou and Midoriya the way he did in a time that they seemed to need someone by their side was the right thing to do and he doesn’t regret it. Shouto would do it all over, again and again.

Why is Bakugou here, though? To properly end things with him formally? To ask him not to tell Midoriya about what they’ve done? Not that he would. He’s not like that, he would never cause trouble for the people he cares about on purpose.

And he cares about Bakugou and Midoriya. Despite everything, he still cares so much.

Shouto realizes he’s been quiet for a long time when Bakugou scrubs his face harsher than necessary and lets out a loud, frustrated groan.

“Okay, listen here, you dumbfuck, because I’m only gonna say this once: I’ve never seen Deku that way. It’s true that we’ve known about the soulbond in like pretty much forever, I’ve known the nerd ever since I was a fucking kid after all, but it’s not like that between us.”

Shouto doesn’t get what Bakugou’s saying or why he’s saying that. He can’t fathom why someone wouldn’t want to be with their soulmate.

“But… you should be with him, is it not how these things are supposed to be? Midoriya is your soulmate!”

“Deku doesn’t even like me that way, you stupid half-assed bastard!” 

Bakugou doesn’t seem angry about it, for some odd reason. His anger seems directed at Shouto rather, like Shouto’s being particularly obnoxious or dense on purpose just to spite Bakugou. He isn’t. Is he missing something? 

“That’s not true, he’s always--”

“Fucks sake, haven’t you seen how he and Round Face are all lovey-dovey ever since he’s got back after her whole shitty motivational speech?” Bakugou takes another step closer and Shouto instinctively steps back. “And besides, even if he did like me, I don’t like him that way. I would never be able to force myself to be with someone.”

The annoying, prickly feeling at the corners of his eyes returns, so he rubs at them with more force than it’s probably necessary. 

“W-why are you telling me this?” His voice sounds weak.

Bakugou groans and lunges at him, grabbing his face indelicately and pulling him down into a rough kiss. Shouto doesn’t have much time to react properly, he kisses back on instinct, frustrated that he’s been betrayed by his own body. It’s always that way when it comes to Bakugou. It’s only when Shouto feels his cheeks slick that he realizes he’s actually crying, suddenly overwhelmed. 

When Bakugou pulls back, he still has a firm hand on the nape of Shouto’s neck, holding him in place while he wipes his face with rough yet attentive fingers. Shouto still doesn’t get it.

“Why the fuck are you crying?” he says without any bite, leaning forward to kiss Shouto’s temple which only makes Shouto’s body shake harder, but he doesn’t have any energy or will to push him away. “God, you’re stupid. How could you ever think I’d ditch you like that?! Do you really think so low of me?”

“N-no, I don't!” Shouto rushes to say because he doesn’t think that, not at all. He never did. He just thought… “I just thought… I…” 

He realizes that saying it out loud is harder than he’d anticipated. There are way too many harsh words that float around his mind constantly, things he thinks about himself. Awful, cruel things. But he’s never said them out loud, they’ve been voiced by a lot of people around him throughout his life instead. 

Unbearable. Disgraceful. Cold. Unsightly. Undesirable. 

Shouto thought all of it was true, pushed himself through day after day and did the things he was supposed to do aimlessly. He had a feeble goal in mind, his resolve not as strong as Midoriya’s or Bakugou’s. Being a hero, for him, was never a choice or a dream. Not his own anyway. 

It was Endeavor’s dream. Touya’s too. A dream that’s been taken away from his brother a long time ago and replaced with hatred for everything that has to do with the hero society.

Unlike Shouto, Touya had wanted to be a hero once upon a time. Shouto understands now, whenever he thinks of Dabi, how badly he wanted that life to himself and how it had hurt him to be left out, to have his own dreams squashed and pushed into someone else.

It’s funny in the same twisted up way how their lives had always been tangled, even after he was supposedly dead, long gone. Endeavor would wish day after day that Shouto was as excited as Touya had been, that he had inherited his hunger for power and for brilliance the way Touya did.

Endeavor wished Shouto was as good as Touya.

But Shouto wasn’t like that. He never had been.

Tried as he might to grow a thicker skin, all he ever managed was a well-crafted bravado. He had always been too soft, too unfit for any of this. That is why he couldn’t hold himself back when he’d started falling for Bakugou. That’s also what he had always admired in Bakugou and Midoriya. The way they had their goals and dreams set straight and pursued them with fiery determination.

They’re everything Shouto should be.

And now what is Bakugou even saying as he stands right here in front of him? What business does he have in telling Shouto that he wants to be with him instead of being with his own soulmate ?

Shouto’s not worth it. Can’t Bakugou see that?

Shouto is suddenly pulled into a hug and he cries harder as he nuzzles into the fabric of Bakugou’s shirt. Bakugou doesn’t try to push him away, he holds him tighter, protectively even.

Bakugou drags them to Shouto’s bed and pulls him into his lap, Shouto lets him, curling into himself while he’s unable to stop sniffing quietly. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him, he’s never cried like this before —  save from the times when he’s been too overwhelmed during sex as Bakugou went overboard, but that was different —, this right now feels like he’s letting out all the frustrations and pain that he’s been holding back his entire life.

“You dumbass,” Bakugou sounds soft and fond while caressing his hair as he speaks. It’s so confusing. “How could you even consider I would ditch you?”

Shouto lifts his head only when he manages to calm down some, looking up to Bakugou.

“No one’s ever chosen me.”

“Well, I am.” Bakugou says firmly. “So you can stop moping around, I’m not going anywhere, stupid half and half.”

Shouto pushes himself to sit up feeling his eyes puffy and head throbbing. Bakugou’s gaze is heavy, sharp eyes studying his face. Shouto can’t find any trace of deception in his demeanor, no matter how hard he tries to look for any.

“But what about Midoriya, you should--”

“What have I told you?” Bakugou reaches for his hand and Shouto flinches, but he doesn’t pull away, letting Bakugou squeeze it. “Fuck, it’s like you have no idea how special you are.”

“Because I’m not,” Shouto mumbles, feeling his voice rough from crying. “Not like you or like Midoriya. I don’t even have a soulmate.”

“Who cares about that?” Bakugou squeezes his hand tighter. “Not everyone ends up with their soulmates and it doesn’t mean shit either, the mark is no guarantee that the both of you’ll get along.”

Shouto looks at their hands interlaced and thinks about his parents. Despite them sharing a soulbond, they were still unhappy. Perhaps Bakugou is right, perhaps even the bond can’t make sure that two people will live happily ever after.

“Still, I thought… The way you held him back there… That was--”

“I’m a fucking hero ,” Bakugou sounds offended. “Did you expect me to let the stupid nerd plant his ugly face into the concrete or what?”

Shouto looks up at Bakugou’s face once again, he’s never seen him so open before. He scoots closer to him and lifts a shaky hand up to cup the right side of his cheek, Bakugou sighs and closes his eyes when Shouto leans in and lets his forehead rest against Bakugou’s.

“I’m so tired of everything I’m supposed to be, Katsuki,” he confesses, although it probably doesn’t make much sense, but Bakugou doesn’t question him. “I wanna believe you so bad.”

Shouto feels the warmth of Bakugou’s palm cupping his face, breathing slowly as they both share the same air. Bakugou brushes his thumb under the edge of his scar where there’s still a faint, healing bruise courtesy of Shouto’s brother. He leans into the touch, melting when the tip of Bakugou’s nose brushes over the other side of his cheek, sending a shiver down Shouto’s spine, the gesture so soothing that his nerves seem to settle. Then Bakugou pulls back slowly just a little to look at him.

“I’m not a patient person,” Bakugou tells him sincerely. “But I’m willing to prove to you that you can trust me, if you’ll let me.”

“I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” Bakugou gently presses his thumb under his scar. “Fucking talk to me, Icyhot, I won’t be able to understand if you don’t.”

“I don’t know how to be someone’s first.”

His bluntness manages to take even Bakugou Katsuki off guard. It’s quite the feat, Shouto thinks. Bakugou kisses him suddenly. Hard and sweet at the same time. Shouto is pretty sure Bakugou is the only person in the world who can manage to do both, and he easily melts into the kiss.

“I’ll show you how, if you’ll let me.” Bakugou whispers against his lips.

Shouto nods quietly and pulls him into another kiss, hoping it’s a good enough answer while he struggles to find any proper words to tell Bakugou everything that he’s feeling. It seems to be enough for him, at least for now.

“Now c’mon, halfie, let’s go to bed,” Bakugou is the one to pull back eventually. “It’s way past my fucking bedtime, I’m gonna be in a bad mood if I don’t get enough sleep because of you.”

“You’re staying here?” Shouto blinks. He’s not so good at gauging his own emotions, however, he’s pretty sure what he’s feeling right now is happiness. Relief, too, if he’s being bold in naming them.

“You don’t want me to?” Bakugou scowls, though it’s only half-hearted now that he’s probably low on energy and too tired to be his usual, boisterous self.

“No! Please, I do! I really do!”

“Go change then, Icyhot, I’ll get your shitty futon ready because I’m not sleeping in that rat’s nest the way it--” Shouto cuts him off with a kiss. “Oi, don’t interrupt me!”

Shouto smiles softly before he leaves for his bathroom to get changed as Bakugou gets to tidying his futon so they can sleep. Shouto’s heart feels lighter, it’s such a foreign feeling, but for once he welcomes it, even if he still feels a bit scared.