Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

RULES:
-No NSFW in general. That’s not the type of content I make or consume, so please refrain from mentioning/requesting that type of thing.
-No shipping minors. I might write canon ships if any and all creators involved have explicitly stated that they are comfortable with being shipped, but I’m not very good at writing romance, so I probably will just avoid shipping in general. It can be background, but probably not a main story idea!
-I will not do character death for mental health reasons. Please refrain from requesting it.
-I also can’t do super graphic violence, I can do some though, it just won’t be very descriptive.
-I will not do cc!fics. I write about the characters only!
-And lastly, I will not break any cc’s boundaries. If any fic I write breaks boundaries, I will take it down.

I enjoy writing Ranboo’s character the most, so requests about his character have a higher chance of being written! That being said, you can request whichever characters you want, just know that the quality of my writing may vary based on which characters I’m writing.

Also! I have the right to choose which ideas I use and which I don’t. I may change details about any requests, and I’ll probably also post oneshots that were my own ideas as part of this fic.
Most of these will be oneshots, but if I enjoy a prompt, I may write more!
And one last note, I am an autistic author! I love writing characters to be neurodivergent, but I don’t like writing characters to have conditions I don’t have. (Ex. DID, Tourette’s, etc.)
I do have general and social anxiety, ADHD, autism, OCD, and misophonia, so anything about those conditions is fair game for requests.

Thank you so much for reading the rules, and I’d love to see some ideas and requests! As always, have a great day, and thank you so much if you choose to interact!

Chapter Text

For some reason, today simply felt- well, energizing wasn’t quite the word, but it was all he could think of, really. Ranboo had woken up full of energy, shaking their head around as they sat in their bed because of the fun noise it made, and the way it made their vision go all staticky. The happiness the motion created forced him to raise his arms up and shake out his hands, flapping them until they went numb. It just made them happy, they weren’t quite sure why! Warbles and trills had flown out of his mouth throughout the time he made breakfast, and when he bit into the pastry he’d been saving for a good day, he threw his arms up into the air again and scrunched his face up in joy. Yep, today was a good day!

Except, their good days had to stay hidden. Which was okay, honestly, he’d rather not subject others to his annoying noises, even though they were an expression of joy. Yep, it was okay, they’d just- they’d stay inside today and be happy on their own. That was okay. That’s what he always did.

But for some reason, it just felt- lonely? A sad warble escaped their mouth, and they realized they’d hunched over on instinct, rocking back and forth in their chair to self soothe. 

Huh. What was missing?

He thumbed through the pages in his memory book, searching for some answer. 

Enderchest? Oh- maybe he missed her! He decided to pay her a visit. Maybe that would help!

On the way down the ladder, they warbled softly, humming a strangely familiar tune they’d never been able to fully remember. As soon as he reached the bottom of the ladder, a soft head butted his leg. They warbled in delight, shaking their hands slightly before stilling them so they could pet their cat. 

Enderchest meowed softly in return, nuzzling his hand. They stroked her, scrunching up their face and warbling in delight as she pressed into the affection, purring. He ended up sitting down rather than staying crouched, he tended to hunch over too much. As soon as they sat, Enderchest curled up in her rightful spot on their lap, purring like a motor. Ranboo imitated it, a low static leaving his mouth that surprised her at first, but she seemed to recognize what he was doing, stretching slightly to splay her belly, showing her comfort. Ranboo rocked back and forth, continuing the static and enjoying the feeling of her fur.

She eventually fell asleep, and their leg went numb by the ankle where it was crossed, but they decided they didn’t mind. He closed his eyes, turning the static purring into a low, soft melody. Enderchest’s ear twitched, but she didn’t seem to mind. It was peaceful, happy.

And then their doorbell rang.

He really needed to change it from the simple buzzer Techno had given him, the sound grated against his ears and startled a distressed screech out of him, scaring Enderchest awake. He couldn’t do anything as he watched her scramble into a corner, clearly upset at the low keen in his throat.  

They managed to stop, but they were now stuck, frozen in place at the shocking change of mood.

“Ranboo?” They flinched as somebody called their name, warbling as it pierced the silence they’d managed to ensure for Enderchest. “Hey, you okay, mate?” He recognized Phil’s voice, accompanied by another worried knock, and took a moment to calm himself before climbing the ladder, leaving a confused but resigned cat downstairs.

They padded over to the door and slid it open, just as Phil was about to knock again.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t get a response, and I thought I heard-'' Phil started, then stared at Ranboo’s blank face. “Ah, nevermind. Anyways, I wanted to see if you’d come to have lunch with Techno and I? Remember, we have an, uh- we have a meeting , if you know what I mean.” Phil lowered his voice at the last part, glancing around, as if checking for company.

Shoot, I totally forgot-  

“Uh, I-” Oh wow, that sound they’d made- that was a good sound, they loved that sound, it was good - “I, I don’t know if I can- I can make it, can I- can I check first?” 

Oh End, he couldn’t keep himself from repeating the words- hopefully Phil would assume it was just his natural nervous stutter and not question him. Hopefully they could get out of doing things for the day. He couldn’t hide this.  

Phil’s brow furrowed, but he nodded. “Alright mate, just come on over if you can, okay? Techno really wanted to show you the newest puppies, he won’t admit it, but he’s gotten attached to them.” He grinned, poking fun at the Blood God’s love of small, fluffy animals. 

“Y- yeah, yeah I’ll do that.” Ranboo nodded, restless and eager to be done with the interaction. 

“Okay, bye mate! I’ll see you soon, hopefully!” Phil waved, turning to leave. Ranboo hurriedly shut the door, shaking with the effort it took to hold in the movements that came naturally to them. 

He paused, watching Phil and staying frozen until he was sure the man was at a safe distance, then heaved out a sigh of relief, shaking his head out and enjoying the jingling sound his earrings made. Their hands flapped at the noise, and they swung their arms around their waist, warbling softly. What was that sound they’d liked earlier? They wanted to make it.

“I, I- I- I-, I- I, Iiiiiiiiiii-” They drew out the last sound, enjoying the contrast of the sharp staccato and the smoothness of the elongated ‘I’. “Iiiiiiiiii, I- I-, I!” He jumped up and down, overjoyed at the energetic burst the word gave him. “I-!!!” 

They continued like that for a while, waiting for the word to lose its power over them. It changed from an ‘I’ sound to more of an ‘eeee!’. Once they’d slowed to simply elongating the word into a constant hum of the vowel, they decided they had to make a choice. Should he go to the Syndicate meeting, and try to hide his- whatever these things were, or should he come up with an excuse to stay? 

It seemed rude to deny both the lunch offer and the meeting, but Technoblade had said the meetings weren’t mandatory… but it could be another one of those secret rules, the ones that were contradicted by what people said, but would make them mad at you if you broke it- hm. They pondered, rocking on their heels and whipping their tail around, clenching and unclenching their hands. 

If only Enderchest could decide for him. Then again, she’d probably just choose whatever would get her more attention, so maybe she wouldn’t be a great judge for this particular issue. Ranboo cursed his indecisiveness for what felt like the thousandth time. 

In the end, their anxiety got the best of them. It was best to go and attempt to act normal- he didn’t want Technoblade or Philza to be mad at him, and while Niki might care less, he really didn’t want to disappoint anyone, honestly. 

This would be hard. It would be hard, but they had to do it. For everyone. So he slipped on his cloak and his boots, pocketed his memory book, and took a deep breath. Focus. Calm. I got this. 

And with that, they began the trek to the cottage. It was warmer than they’d thought it was, though their house did tend to feel somewhat cold, giving them the wrong idea of what the outside weather might be. He’d have to fix that- it couldn’t be too hard, right? They’d have to write it down so they could do it later.

The clamor of the cow farm distracted them from that line of thinking, he’d have to feed them on his way back, but he didn’t want them to make him too excited for now, he still had to keep his cool for the meeting. So they walked past it, intentionally ignoring the enclosure altogether. It was best not to get distracted. 

He raised his eyes to Phil’s porch as he opened the gate to the territory that marked Technoblade’s property, spotting the man stretching his wings. They waved, making sure to keep their arm moving the appropriate amount of time, so they didn’t let themself do one of the things . Phil noticed and waved back, making his way towards Ranboo as they hurried their pace. 

“Hey, mate!” Phil smiled warmly, stopping at the end of the stairs leading to the porch. Ranboo waved again, smiling in return. He was careful not to allow his neck to tilt up and his eyes to squint, because that wasn’t a real smile, that just looked weird, and would get him yelled at. “I was thinking we could eat a bit of lunch, then head to the meeting, does that sound good?”

Ranboo nodded, schooling their expression into a neutral but happy face, or so they hoped. Phil didn’t question it, so they must’ve done an okay job.

Phil smiled, nodding in response as he turned to enter the cottage. “Techno made baked potatoes, but I have a feeling it’s really all he knows how to make, so I made some soup too, in case you wanted something other than the same meal we give you every time you come over.” He chuckled lightly at the offended grumble that came from somewhere towards the kitchen. “Oh, shut up mister ‘all I need to eat is potatoes and milk’, not all of us can eat the same meal every day like you.”

Ranboo laughed nervously, pushing away memories of that period they’d gone through where all they’d eaten was mushroom stew. He’d only stopped because it became too much of a hassle to find and hoard mushrooms, honestly. 

“Okay, mister chef, I eat what’s good. Potatoes are good. And scientifically, that’s all you really need, so you can take your potato slander somewhere else, alright?” Technoblade huffed in mock anger. Ranboo’s laugh was definitely more genuine this time, and he hoped nobody saw the way his hands scrunched in on themselves with energy. 

“Ah, piss off.” Phil playfully knocked Technoblade’s shoulder, stifling laughter of his own. “Anyways, Ranboo, what’ll it be? We have all the usual stuff, and I made beetroot soup.”

Ranboo froze as he turned back to gauge their preference, indecisive. 

“Uh.”

“Hey, no worries, you can decide when you’re ready. We have time to eat, Niki’s a bit late anyways, and she always brings something nice, if you’d prefer that.”

That was- well, that was definitely preferable. He had to admit, he was sick of Technoblade’s potatoes, but everything else sounded fine, he just- couldn’t choose. 

“So, uh, Ranboo, no rush, but would you like to see the new puppies? The next generation of the wolf army is looking, uhh… they’re looking… promising.” Technoblade ran his hands through his braided hair as he spoke, clearly excited. Phil cast Ranboo a look that clearly said, ‘I told you so’, as they nodded in response. “Y- yeah, yeah I’d love to- I’d love to see them!” 

Shoot, he’d done the thing again. At least he could play it off as just anxiety, he’d managed to change the structure of what he was saying to sound more like nerves than- whatever other weird thing he was apparently doing. 

Technoblade nodded, turning for the side door of the cottage. They followed, Phil close on their tail, whispering something to them about not wanting to miss the ‘Technosoft arc’. 

The puppies ended up being adorable, though their slobber was a bit too much for Ranboo to deal with at the moment- the texture was horrible enough, but the way it singed his skin and left it slightly raw was really the main determiner in that department. 

Other than that, though? An entirely successful visit. They’d only slipped up a couple times, and neither Technoblade nor Phil were paying close enough attention to notice- the puppies really did have a surplus of energy, that definitely did help with their distraction. 

After Technoblade had given up on his attempts at getting the ‘Puppy Battalion’, as Phil had named it, to perform the small tricks they’d been taught, they decided to head back. Niki would probably get there soon, and they didn’t want her to arrive to an empty house. 

It didn’t take much waiting for her to get there, with a basket packed full of freshly baked cookies. 

“Hello, I brought food!” She smiled, laughing as Phil and Technoblade’s heads whipped around. Ranboo stood back nervously as the others raided the confections, they didn’t want to be seen as greedy- it was funny when the other two did it, but that was how they interacted, if he joined in, it might be, just- well, it might be awkward. So they waited off to the side until they were offered one, then accepted it. 

“They’re not chocolate, so don’t worry. I think we learned our lesson last time we made cookies.” Niki grinned, reassuring them. “This time they’re peanut butter, and I made sure there wasn’t even a bit of cross contamination, so you should be good!”

He smiled back, relieved, he definitely didn’t want a repeat of that time, and took a bite. It was soft, not gooey, but just warm enough that it crumbled satisfyingly. The flavor was honestly less peanut butter and more sugar, but who were they to complain? Niki’s baking really was the best, and it showed. He grinned, squeezing himself in with the flavor, his free hand shaking with joy. 

“Wow, you’re really enjoying that, huh?” Phil chuckled, bringing them out of the haze they’d been set in. Oh End, they’d been too focused on the cookie- they’d forgotten they needed to act normal, keep the happiness in. 

“Y-yeah, sorry.” They laughed nervously, stilling their hands and planting their feet firmly in the ground. Back stays straight, no swaying. No shaking, no movement. Stay normal.

“No need to apologize, mate, Niki’s baking will do that to you. It’s pretty good, yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it- it is.” He nodded, taking note of Technoblade’s hum of agreement. 

“Aw, thank you.” Niki curtsied, taking the praise with a joke. “Thank you, kind sirs!”

“Of course, milady!” Phil responded, bowing in response. “A true chef such as yourself must be accustomed to such compliments!”

Niki laughed, but Ranboo was genuinely impressed with Phil’s language skills- that sentence sounded historically accurate, as far as they could tell. 

Once they’d all stopped laughing, Ranboo continued eating his cookie, reminding himself with every bite not to let his joy show. Technoblade must have noticed that they seemed uncomfortable, because he cleared his throat, drawing attention to speak.

“Okay, well now that that’s done, we should head to the meeting. We don’t want to waste valuable anarchist time, y’know.”

Niki and Phil nodded, so Ranboo copied, making sure to stop exactly when they did- he couldn’t continue the motion longer, that would be weird.

“Alright, I suppose we should.” Phil continued the conversation once he’d finished the last bite of his cookie, heading for the door. 

Technoblade followed Phil, with Niki and Ranboo trailing just behind him. Snow crunched underneath their boots as they trekked to the secret entrance, and Ranboo would’ve liked the sound, if it didn’t remind him of the stinging burn it usually brought. The tundra seemed colder than before, if they were being honest, but that might have been because the cottage was so warm. 

Now that they thought about it, why didn’t they just hold Syndicate meetings in the cottage? Not that he disliked the Syndicate room, it was cool, it was just extremely inconvenient. Especially with the secret projectors displaying fake lava, they were cool, but were they really worth the effort? And the water at the end of the fall always managed to soak slightly through to his armor, which would take the rest of the meeting to dry off, and then he’d have to use the water to trident out of the secret tunnel, and, well, it just seemed inefficient, honestly. But they supposed it wasn’t their choice, so they’d just go along with it. Besides, Phil had put a lot of effort into it, so it would be weird to just- not use it. 

“Alright, trust fall time!” Phil laughed as they approached the entrance. “Are you guys ready?”

They each nodded, Ranboo glancing around as he mimicked the others, suppressing the urge to mimic part of a song he liked because it shared a phrase with what Phil had said. (If you get this reference I love you holy shit). He tried to hide the way his hands clawed slightly at the ends of his jacket, avoiding hitting the metal with his claw-like fingernails. It always made a horrible, loud noise, and that would be awful for just, so many reasons, so- nope, no thank you. 

Phil was the first one to take the jump, gripping his trident as he passed through the fake lava. Technoblade and Niki followed, and Ranboo was left to follow them. 

He paused, taking a moment to shake out his energy, bouncing on his feet and flapping his arms around. He let out a small chirp of excitement, before throwing his arms up into the air, continuing the energy. They shouldn’t take this much time, but really, it was this or blowing their cover, so. They took a deep breath, grounding themselves again, and dropped down into the pool of water waiting for them.

“-you think he’s- oh, there you are!” Niki smiled, turning towards him as he hurried out of the scalding liquid. They winced slightly, before remembering to hide their discomfort. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t find my trident for a second.” He excused, slightly uncomfortable with all of their stares facing him. 

“No worries, mate! Let’s go!” Phil grinned, pulling the attention from them, thankfully. The group hurried down the hallway leading to the meeting room, taking advantage of the way they could slide on the icy floor. Once they reached the doorway, Technoblade pushed to the front, preparing his speech like he always did.

“Welcome,” He paused, turning to throw the doors open. “To the Syndicate!” 

Niki whooped, and Phil clapped. Ranboo grinned, hands flexing slightly with excitement. Technoblade really was a skilled announcer, each meeting’s entrance was more dramatic than the last.

They each strode up to their seats, taking the spots labelled with their code names. From this moment on, they were supposed to use the names, but they hadn’t really done that since the disastrous first meeting where nobody had been able to tell who was who, especially Ranboo, who kept forgetting which name to respond to. 

As they sat down, an odd feeling made its way to Ranboo’s chest- a strange sense of warmth, excitement, some sort of elated joy- it was creeping through his entire body, urging him to move. It was all he could do not to shriek and jump around, get some energy out. But they couldn’t, they couldn’t.

So he ignored it. Or, well, he tried to. What else could they do, honestly, than sit on their hands, purse their lips, close up their throat, freeze their body- okay, well maybe that was a lot, but it wasn’t enough. It was too obvious, and he couldn’t pay attention. Had the meeting even started? They couldn’t risk taking attention from their concentration, they had to stay put, stay still, don’t let the creeping energy sink in. Ignore it, ignore it.

“Ranboo?”

Oh End, they’d gotten distracted from the actual meeting. 

“Huh?” He attempted, jerking his head up to the conversation.

“What do you think, mate?” Phil prompted, resting his hand on their arm, and oh End, the texture of his robe was so soft and nice, they wanted to touch it again. No. He couldn’t, that’d be weird, no weirdness, no movements, none of the things.

“Kid?” Techno interrupted their thoughts, startling them out of the spiral they’d fallen into. “Hey, you okay?”

“I-” Oh End, please. Please don’t repeat the sound. He wanted to so badly, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t. So he bit his lips, and nodded. That would have to be enough. Please don’t question it, please please please-

“Hey, Ranboo, mate, you don’t have to be okay. Would you like a break? You can step outside if you’d be more comfortable, you don’t have to tell us what’s wrong.” Thank End for Phil, they really didn’t know what they’d do without his gentleness in situations like this. “If you want, one of us can come with you, though.” 

Ranboo nodded, stiffly standing up from his seat. Unconsciously, he kept a grip on Phil’s robe. The texture was nice, they wanted to take it with them. So they did, and it followed without argument. He pushed the door open, trying to get out as quickly as possible.

The hallway was much calmer, with its dim but warm lighting and cool cobblestone walls. They slowly sank to the floor, digging their hands into their hair to get a feel of their hair, rocking back and forth. He hummed, a single note like he usually did when he was alone, interspersed with quiet warbles and trills as the energy from earlier wore off slightly. They remembered the bit of the song they’d wanted to mimic earlier and hummed it, still stroking their hair. Slowly, the multicolored hair lost their interest texture-wise, and they reached to grab for the fabric they’d liked, then froze as they realized there was an arm attached to it. 

Shoot. Oh no. This- well, this was not ideal, to say the least. They’d brought Phil- they’d brought Phil, oh End, they’d- they had absolutely seen. He’d blown his cover. This was it, this was where his friendships were lost. He was done. 

They curled up more, shrinking into as small a shape as they could get- less for Phil to be mad at, right? He choked back a sob, forcing involuntary noises to stay put in his throat, stay in place, don’t let them see your tears-

A hand was placed onto their shoulder. 

His body reacted before he had a chance to process it, recoiling with a staticky whimper. Oh End, please, why did I do that-

Phil was speaking, they knew it, but they couldn’t tell what he was saying, everything was too loud, their suit was itchy, the cobblestone floor was too bumpy, the hum of the lanterns that lit the hallway was too loud, and they could hear their breaths, the splashing of water in the distance, the conversation inside the meeting room- End, they wished it would just stop, please, please stop, just stop-

A screech left his mouth, piercing and distressed, drowning out all the overwhelming background noise, he couldn’t hear the wind whistling outside, Phil’s concerned questioning, the flicker of the lantern’s fires. It was all gone, there was just him, just him. Just him.

They rocked back and forth, continuing the noise, mind blank and running entirely on instinct. All he knew was that he needed this. He needed to calm down. 

Taking a breath, he continued the noise, but quieter, less distressed, more calming, soothing. They could just take their time, they’d definitely be kicked out after this anyways, it didn’t matter, they could just let go. He could deal with the consequences later, when he had to. For now, it was calming time, it was time for soothing. 

They rubbed their hands up and down their arms, occasionally running their fingers through their hair, eyes closed and face blank. They didn’t need to hide. He continued, turning the single note into a not-quite song, just a series of notes that felt good to make. It was dark now, which was nice, but the floor was uncomfortable. He couldn’t change it, so he adjusted his body to be as comfortable as he could be, sitting with his legs crossed in front of him, still rocking back and forth, enjoying the way the changing momentum felt, it was familiar in a way he couldn’t place. They put their hands on their legs to stabilise themself, rocking more intensely. The note they sang climbed higher as their mood changed, and they eventually ended up rocking in more of a circular pattern than back and forth, enjoying the occasional switch of direction, but mostly enjoying their continuing momentum. It felt like his brain was lagging behind him, and he kept circling around it, enjoying the opportunity to mindlessly move and just- exist, as he was supposed to. It was nice. They didn’t want it to end. 

But it had to.

Eventually, their movements slowed, they became aware that they had absolutely no idea what the others might be doing, and their eyes attempted to open, but their body wouldn’t let them, instincts fighting. He wanted to know what was happening, but he didn’t want to deal with it. Their instincts fought for a moment longer until the curiosity pried their eyelids open, taking in the scene around them.

The lights had been turned off. There was a blanket in front of them that they hadn’t noticed, and a variety of random objects- a metal cube, a squishy looking sphere, a pair of headphones, a long, stiff looking string-like circle, and a square shaped piece of rubber with indentations in it. 

What?

This made absolutely no sense, if he was being honest. What were these things, why were they here? Why was he not being punished? Where had everybody gone? A confused warble sounded as he cautiously reached for the objects. The blanket was soft and fuzzy, which was nice, but not exactly what they wanted. It was a bit too overwhelming for the moment, too much sensation. The squishy thing was nice, but it took too long to puff back out so they could squish it again. The headphones seemed intimidating, they looked too obvious- but the cube had a nice texture, and it was cool against his hands, but not in an overwhelming way. They fumbled with it until they realized it could fold out to become a rectangle, then in on itself to become a different side of the rectangle, then back in to become the cube again. It was incredibly confusing, but he couldn’t help but repeat the process, watching it move and enjoying the soft clack sound and the satisfaction of completing a cycle. They continued, humming softly in contentment and resuming their rocking before remembering they had no idea whose objects these were, or why they were here. 

He had no idea what he should do, really. He should probably check the Syndicate room and see what they were doing, if he was still welcome, but honestly, it was intimidating. They’d just essentially run from the room and scared Phil off by screeching at him in the hallway, so why would they ever be welcome back, really? But they couldn’t just not check, then they’d never know, or maybe they’d forget everyone was mad and try to come back, and oh man, if that wasn’t terrifying. 

So he took a deep breath, setting the cube down again and shaking himself out in preparation. Their hands shook slightly as they gripped the doorknob, pausing for a second before sighing and cracking it open. He winced at the harsh creak it made, tensing as everyone’s eyes surely landed on him. Oh End, this was a bad idea, they should’ve just left, but it was too late. 

“Hey, kid. You feeling better?” Techno grunted softly from his usual seat on the table, voice gentler and quieter than normal. 

What? This didn’t- this didn’t make sense either. None of this made sense. He should be mad, he should punish them, but he just- what?

A frustrated trill left Ranboo’s mouth, quickly cut off by his hand slapped over his mouth. End, couldn’t he just be normal? They’d just had a full on panic attack, or something, couldn’t that have worked as a release? 

“Ranboo, mate, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to know how you feel, it’s okay. Is there any way we can help?” Phil interrupted his mind, probably noticing the way his clawed fingers had started grabbing at his sleeves again. They dropped the fabric, hiding the things on autopilot. They nodded the normal amount, sitting back down in their normal seat. Just hide it, maybe they’ll let it slide if you do well this time.  

Unfortunately, Technoblade was too perceptive. “Hey, if you’re still upset you don’t have to hide it, meltdowns are hard. Just let yourself be, okay? We’re not mad, let us know if we can help you.”

This just- it still made no sense. Ranboo warbled in frustration, because what, it still made no sense, what even- what did this mean?

Niki spoke up softly, words like a blanket. “Can you talk right now? Sometimes it’s hard to talk after something like that, so I wanted to check in. We can get you something else if you’d rather communicate another way.” It made no sense, but it didn’t really need to, honestly. The situation was finally setting in- they didn’t care. They actually didn’t care, really, that he had just done- well, whatever that was. Their hands wiggled with relief, before they stilled them. 

Just because they allowed that doesn’t mean they’ll let me do it again.

Technoblade must have noticed him though, because he frowned. “Hey, you don’t need to stop that. You can stim, if you want.”

Wait, did that really- what? Was stimming- was that what the things were called? Was he allowed to do them? That didn’t- well, it didn’t add up. Then again, the Antarctic Commune and the Syndicate in general had very different rules from the rest of society. Could this be part of their social code?

They warbled confusedly again, since Niki had been right, they definitely couldn’t talk right now, at least not in Common. 

Phil’s eyes widened, and he jumped into the conversation. “Ranboo, you know you’re neurodivergent, right?”

Ranboo shook their head, making another warble. They didn’t know what that word meant, so no, they did not. 

Phil nodded, taking a breath before explaining. “Okay, so, you and Techno are different than some people, in your brains. Or, at least, we’re pretty sure you are too, it’s kind of obvious really, but you never really know, I guess- anyways. Basically, it’s not bad, it just means your brains function differently than most people’s. You stim, you get meltdowns, you have special interests, and sensory issues. There’s a lot, but those are the biggest things, I think.”

Ranboo continued listening as Phil explained what stimming was, and why it helped them, as well as what the name for what had just happened was called, and some ideas for why it might have happened. It made sense, honestly, though they’d never really considered how those things might have some deeper meaning, or connection. Honestly, they’d just thought it was the result of some sort of hybrid genetics. But apparently, it was a real, common thing. Huh. 

And apparently his intense interests were normal too, and the way he liked and hated certain textures, noises, visuals, and more. So that… was a lot to unpack, really. Phil was still talking, but they were just thinking, and Niki must have noticed, because she cut him off. 

“You don’t have to answer, but why did you try to hide it? Has anybody been mean about this before? Because that is absolutely something that we as a group will not stand for.” Her eyes flashed with anger, and Ranboo looked away. 

He shrugged. There wasn’t much to say, really. At least, not that he could think of.

“ ⌿⟒⍜⌿⌰⟒  ⟊⎍⌇⏁…  ⎅⍜⋏’⏁  ⌰⟟☍⟒  ⟟⏁.  ⏁⊑⟒⊬  ⌇⏃⊬  ⏁⊑⟒  ⋏⍜⟟⌇⟒⌇  ⏃⍀⟒  ⏃⋏⋏⍜⊬⟟⋏☌,  ⏃⋏⎅  ⏁⊑⏃⏁  ⟟’⋔  ⏚⟒⟟⋏☌  ⏁⍜⍜  ⌇⟒⋏⌇⟟⏁⟟⎐⟒. (People just… don’t like it. They say the noises are annoying, and that I’m being too sensitive.)” 

Niki frowned, thinking. “I can’t understand you, do you think you could write it out, or communicate it another way?”

Phil cut her off, lifting up his hand. “They’re using Endspeak, they said that people don’t like when he stims because they think it’s annoying, and they think that sensory issues are him being too sensitive.” Technoblade chuffed in anger at that. “But Ranboo, I hope you know, we’ll never say that, you can trust us with anything, especially things you can’t help. Stimming isn’t annoying, it’s natural. We wouldn’t ask you to hide a part of yourself just because it can be somewhat inconvenient, and besides, we all have our differences, this one is yours. You’re not too sensitive, just like I’m not just lazy. We have genuine struggles we need to push through, okay? And if anyone we know or have interacted with says otherwise, we will absolutely change that.”

Well, that- huh. Just, huh, really. That was odd, extremely odd. They nodded on instinct, warbling sadly, though they had no idea why. Phil chirped in response, attempting to comfort him. 

The silence hung for a minute as they processed, before Technoblade spoke up. “D’you want to continue the meeting, or do you want to do something else?”

Honestly, that was- well, that was too broad. Fortunately, Technoblade sensed his error, and clarified. 

“We could just talk for a bit, about this or about something else. Or we could go back to the cottage, or your house, or wherever you wanted. We could even just all go home, if you want to be alone, though I’d like to make sure you’re okay before we let you go, if you want that one.” 

Well, none of those really sounded too appealing, if they were being honest. Really, they just wanted to go back to the meeting, they’d been so excited to have it, the meetings were fun, but now it was different, and they couldn’t talk. But it seemed like the others were okay with that, and Phil could translate for him, so… 

He held up one clawed finger to indicate the first option, warbling softly.

“You want the first option? To continue?” Niki confirmed, smiling as he nodded in response. “Sounds good! We were talking about our opinions on Las Nevadas, and how big of a threat we think it might be.”

Technoblade snorted, adding in. “Quackity can’t be that big of a threat, not from what I’ve seen. We should keep an eye on it, but I’m not really worried.” 

“We should keep in mind that he did manage to get enough support to try and execute you though. Can we be sure he won’t do that again?” Phil added, jumping right back into the conversation. Ranboo didn’t feel like adding, he didn’t really want to talk about Quackity, but it was nice to have a conversation going on around him. 

They swayed back and forth as the conversation continued, stimming quietly but not fully participating in the conversation. He knew Phil would translate if he felt like he wanted to talk, but he didn’t really know much about Las Nevadas yet. Tubbo had spoken about building a cookie shop there though, so maybe he could bring that up to the Syndicate later, when he felt like it. For now, though, they were content to listen, safe in the knowledge that they were accepted. They could be open. They would be safe. Everything would be okay.

Chapter Text

“Tommy, what are you doing?”

Immediately, Tommy froze. 

“N-nothing, nothing, Dream. I’m doing nothing. I’m just- just sitting, sitting still like you asked.” Tommy’s mouth tumbled out as his mind blanked, hurrying a reply that would satisfy Dream. He quickly hid his hands under his legs in desperation, maybe Dream didn’t actually see, maybe he wouldn’t have noticed-

“No, Tommy, you’re not ‘doing nothing’. Stop hiding from me, put your hands back.” Dream reached for his arm, but Tommy whipped his hands out before Dream could touch him. 

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Dream shook his head, mask glinting in the mild sun as he moved. “You always say that, Tommy. You never stop, you don’t know how.” He loomed closer, leaning over Tommy. His mask was in the shadows now. “That’s why I’m here to fix you.”

Tommy whimpered softly in fear, he hadn’t meant to, he’d just lost concentration for a minute and his hands had gone to automatically do the Thing, the one where they fit together and run their fingers across the skin in a way that felt calming. Dream didn’t like the Thing. Tommy knew not to do it, he should have paid attention, he shouldn’t have lost concentration. It was his fault, and it always would be. 

“Give me your hands, Tommy.”

He hesitated, but held up his shaking hands for Dream to see. 

Dream’s mask twisted back into its normal smile. “Good, Tommy. See, you can be obedient, when I help you. I can fix you.” He rustled in his inventory for a moment before pulling out a roll of bandages and grabbing one of Tommy’s hands, wrapping it tightly so that all the fingers were forced together. His hand was now unusable, essentially immobile. “See, now you won’t disobey me. You can have these off when you’ve proven yourself worthy, okay?” Dream explained as he wrapped Tommy’s other hand. 

Tommy nodded, eyes watering. How was he supposed to do anything? He couldn’t even try to get resources, though it wasn’t like he planned on it, Dream would just blow them up, but still! It didn’t seem fair. But, then again… it was Dream. He had disobeyed, this was his punishment. And he could still try to pet Mushroom Henry without his full hands, right? He could just use his arm, or he could just pet him with the bandages. 

“Good. Now, I need to go, so you can stay here for a while. I’ll be back tomorrow, don’t take those off.” Dream instructed, standing back up and turning to walk towards the portal. The one Tommy couldn’t use. “Be good, okay?”

“Yes, Dream.” Tommy responded on instinct, not fully conscious of the words leaving his mouth. The bandages were too scratchy, too tight on his hands. It felt like millions of sharp thorns were scratching at his skin, writhing and running across him. He shivered at the rush of wind the portal created when Dream stepped through, trying to ignore the itching, but it just intensified, spreading down his arms. The cuts that littered his body stung like hell, his ankle throbbed, his mouth was too dry. His stomach ached in hunger, his hair laid flat across his head and dangled into his eyes, irritating his forehead and neck. Everything was too much. He was in so much pain, and the birds wouldn’t stop chirping like it was all just fine, the crash of the ocean from the beach was too loud, the portal’s incessant whispers and humming static wouldn’t shut up, the scraps of Tnret kept hitting against its sides, flapping in the wind, and it was just too much . Tommy was frozen, tears building up in his eyes and obscuring the too-bright world around him, threatening to drip down his face if he blinked. The more he thought about not letting them fall, the more his eyes hurt, pressure built up, everywhere and entirely too much, too much, too much-

A whine ripped from his throat and he squinted his eyes shut, the salty tears stinging cuts on his face, no doubt leaving trails of grime down his cheeks. He grabbed at his hair before remembering the bandages, which itched even more now that attention was brought to them, and he wanted them off, they hurt, they hurt, but he couldn’t just get them off.

He was in a full panic attack now, he guessed, hunched over and swaying back and forth, sobbing openly and scrabbling desperately at his restraints. 

Dream would be so disappointed.

“Tommy?” 

He whipped his head up, freezing in a huddled mass. Dream?

“What are you doing?” Oh. It wasn’t Dream, it wasn’t him. It didn’t matter who it was then, they didn’t matter. Only Dream could matter to him now. Just until he was fixed, just until he was better. 

He blocked out the words they spoke, they were too loud, they took too much energy to decode. He didn’t understand, he had no will to- it was too much, and he wasn’t enough. He wished he could take his sneakers off, they had holes in them, and the press of the seams in his socks was just so overwhelming, but he couldn’t take his shoes off, he couldn’t move his hands. His hands were stuck, and they itched, and his feet itched, but they were stuck too, and the press of the fabrics on him and the air within him and the tears on his face and the grime on his arms and the sweat on his hands inside the bandages and the scratch of the fabric as he tried his best to pull it off and- the touch of a cool hand? 

He wanted to pull away, lean into it, he didn’t know which, but it was bad, but good, but confusing, but… he didn’t know. He just didn’t know, maybe he never would. Everything was confusing and it hurt. It hurt and confused him and it was too loud, too textured, too much. 

In his confusion, he barely registered the press of the cool hands switching from his shoulder to his own hands, pressing in on the bandages, forcing a whine from his throat in frustration, it was too much. But then- some of the weight fell away. Slowly, on one of his hands, it rhythmically loosened, twisting around his hands until- it fell away. He froze, shocked at the cool air hitting the hand that had been under there for- well, he hadn’t exactly been counting how long. The freezing hands tugged his other arm up, and he moved blankly, not registering it. He was still making noise, just holding a single note that he could faintly hear replicated from somewhere in front of him. The process was repeated with the second hand, unwinding the bandages, until- they were released. 

For a moment, Tommy couldn’t process it. His hands were free. They shook uncontrollably in the cool air, but he didn’t dare move them. Dream would be mad, right? Oh, shit. Dream. How was he supposed to put these back by the time he arrived, he was going to be in so much trouble, it was going to hurt so much. He was just delaying the process, such a nuisance, he was just causing more trouble like always. The low note had turned into a whine again, interrupted by sobs as the freezing hands pried at him again, trying to pull him back to reality. He wanted to come back, fix the situation, but… it would hurt. He didn’t want to hurt, he just wanted to go back to before. He just wanted to be fixed, he wanted to be better. 

It felt like ages before he slowly blinked his eyes open again. He’d been floating, completely gone from his body and off somewhere else, too upset to let the hands bring him back, but now they were able to. Now he was just tired, honestly. He didn’t care anymore.

“Tommy?” The voice began again, echoing and settling softly into the air around them. This was a good voice. It was high pitched but smooth, reverberating nicely. 

Ghostbur?

“Tommy, are you okay now? Can you speak?” Ghostbur avoided his eyes like always, preferring to watch as they ran their icy fingers across the palm of Tommy’s hand. 

Tommy opened his mouth to reply, but all he could do was gape. The words just… wouldn’t leave his mouth. What the fuck?

“Hey, Toms, that’s okay. Do you want to stay here, or go somewhere else? We could go to the Tnret, to see Mushroom Henry, or we could leave Logstedshire and go somewhere else. Can you hold up a finger for an option?” Ghostbur’s voice was soothing and soft, but his suggestion made Tommy jolt up in fear. 

I can’t leave, Dream will be mad, I can’t, I’ve already messed up-

“Hey, Tommy? Tommy, it’s okay. Here, take some blue, okay? We can stay here, that’s alright too.” Ghostbur assured, holding out some blue for Tommy. He shook his head, he didn’t really want the sticky texture it had, and he really didn’t want Dream to see the stain it would leave on his hands. “That’s okay, I’ll put it right here.” Ghostbur settled, resting the blue on top of a stray rock.

They sat in silence for a minute, Tommy rocking back and forth while listening to Ghostbur hum a song. It sounded familiar, but he didn’t have the energy to guess what it was, not after panicking so badly. 

Eventually, Tommy’s eyes started to droop, and Ghostbur shifted closer, offering his lap. Tommy was so tired, he might as well… he was already in trouble, maybe he could blame Ghostbur when Dream came back. Ghostbur had just done this in his sleep, what a meddling specter, yeah, that’s it. Tommy hummed and flopped onto Ghostbur’s leg and damn, he was like an infinite source of the cool side of the pillow. Hell yeah. 

As he drifted off into space, he barely registered icy hands combing through his hair and an echoey voice humming the ending notes to Cat.

Chapter Text

Snippet one- tws for being overwhelmed/super anxious, panic, going nonspeaking, ableism.

ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER IM SORRY!!!

Everything had been loud. Bright, swirling and confusing colors and noises surrounded absolutely everything, and nobody seemed to care about his increasing discomfort. He’d been silent for a while, subconsciously withdrawing where he could, but he didn’t notice he was stuck until it was too late.

Everyone was staring at them, and it hurt, but they couldn’t even warble to express it, they were completely stuck, completely overwhelmed.

“Well?” Quackity prompted, glaring at him. “You gonna respond, or do we not get any input from you?” 

Ranboo shifted, heat rushing to their face in embarrassment as their heart leapt to their throat. Their completely non-functioning throat. End, this is’t going to be fun. They would attempt sign language, but they had a feeling none of them would understand or care. 

Quackity scoffed, rolling his eyes at the lack of communication. “Fine, be like that. I guess we’re not good enough for acknowledgement.”

Ranboo hurriedly pulled out his memory book, flipping to a blank page and taking his pen up in shaking claws. 

I can’t speak right now, I’m sorry , he wrote, letters jagged and sharp. The tremors in their hands were painfully obvious in their handwriting, but it would be better than nothing, hopefully. 

He slid the book across the table to Tubbo, who was closest. They scanned the page, expression morphing into confusion. 

“Quackity, Fundy. Read this.” He interrupted their continued conversation, then turned to Ranboo. “What do you mean you can’t speak? That doesn’t make sense. Your voice is fine.”

They group shifted as they read the book, each taking on similar bewildered expressions before passing the book back. 

Ranboo pondered his response for longer than he probably should have, but to be fair, he didn’t exactly know why it happened either.

Sometimes this happens. I don’t know why, I just can’t speak. I can still write though, sorry again. 

Hopefully that would work. They passed it back to the group, wincing as their expressions didn’t seem to improve. 

“Dude, that doesn’t make sense. If you’re just tired, say it and bail, don’t try to pull some sort of pity stunt as an excuse.” Quackity leaned in as he continued speaking, looming over Ranboo. Shoot. This was… really, really not ideal.

Fortunately, Tubbo seemed less inclined to dismiss him. “Nah, Wilbur said that Techno gets like this sometimes too. It’ll go away if we wait. Let’s just continue, okay?”

“Dude, what the fuck? Technoblade is our enemy, we can’t just reasonably compare one of us to him. Are you even serious about this?” 

The tension was rising quickly, and Ranboo didn’t know how much more he could take. Oh End, is there any way to fix this? I just want out, honestly…

Snippet two- tws for mentions of ableism and internalized ableism.

This one is super short but actually finished, lmao! It's mostly just me projecting and happens BEFORE DOOMSDAY.

Ranboo had always suspected they experienced music- differently. It just seemed too intense, when compared with how some people just sat there and listened. How could they just sit still like that, didn’t it make them want to move? Didn’t it fill other people with energy and make them want to dance around and let their bodies be free? 

But other people didn’t experience that, so no matter how hard it was, how much it hurt, he had to hide it. Nobody could know he was different. It would hust malke them trust him less, it would just cause problems. Just like he tended to do. 

even Tommy, whose whole thing was the music disks, he just… sat there. He just sat there and hummed and expected everybody to do the same! How did that make sense qat all? If they mattered to him, why didn’t he get the same buzzy energy Ranboo did? It just made no sense. 

Then again, the world tended to be confusing and contradictory, so maybe this was just another one of the ways it punished him for being- him. Regardless, nobody else did it, so neither should he. Ever. well… unless he was alone. Then he could finally be free. 

Only his kitten, Enderchest, would see these vulnerable moments of joy, hidden in the ‘basement’ he’d constructed in his new house. He would turn on whatever music he felt like, usually Mellohi. The effect was always instant, he would feel the energy pulse through his chest at the first beat, and happy warbles would spill out, though he did try to keep them quiet- he did have neighbors, after all. The energy would spread to his arms, his legs, his hands and feet, his tail- they would all buzz with excitement. His arms would swing, his hands would flain, his feet would tap and his tail would thrash back and forth as he shifted his weight from leg to leg. He’d start to spin, dancing to some instinctual rhythm, barely recognizable as a dance to anyone but himself. His energy would grow, peaking as he spun faster and faster, hands flailing harder and occasionally hitting something on accident. Then he would force himself to calm down, because his warbles were getting too loud and he was dizzy- he’d sit on the floor and sway back and forth, letting his arms fly around and make graceful patterns in the air. Then the song would end, and he’d get back up, and pretend to be normal again.

Chapter Text

The warm smell of an unfamiliar yet comforting aroma filled the Syndicate’s meeting room, setting everyone in a positive mood. Ranboo had first noticed the scent when Niki rushed in slightly late, mumbling apologies and settling into her seat with a basket at her side, covered by a red and white cloth. Phil had perked up as she entered, likely noticing the scent as well, and Ranboo had watched his eyes light up with recognition and delight. They weren’t quite sure why, but if Phil was excited, they were too. Techno’s reaction had been more subtle; he’d paused talking, looking around for a moment before settling on Niki’s basket. His eyes had widened, then he’d shook his head and gone back to speaking on the new book he’d read about Ancient Greek governing systems. 

Ranboo wasn’t sure what the smell was, but he had a feeling they’d all find out at the end of the meeting. And so they waited patiently, half listening to Techno’s infodump about why the Ancient Greek laws were as unfair by modern standards as they were. And eventually, when the two hour meeting was almost up, Niki cleared her throat during a pause in the conversation. 

“So, uhm, as you all know, I’ve picked up baking again!” She grinned excitedly as she held up the basket. “And well, they’re not as good as they used to be, but I brought some cookies to end the meeting!” 

Phil whooped in excitement, which caught Ranboo slightly off guard, but it was amusing nonetheless. “YES! NIKI BAKING TIME!” 

Techno joined in with a celebratory, “Baking pog!” as Niki handed out the contents of the basket.

“Wow, Niki, these look really good!” Ranboo praised, admiring the shape of the treat they’d been given. “I mean, I have absolutely no clue what they’re supposed to look like, but, I mean this looks pretty awesome, so…”

“Aw, thanks Ranboo!” Niki beamed, then faltered. “Wait, you’re telling me you’ve never had a cookie before? What kinds of baking have you had, then? Have you had any? They’re like, the one thing everyone makes!” 

  “Uhhh… I’m not- I guess I’m not really sure?” Ranboo admitted, sheepishly. “But I guess this counts, now!” He took a bite of the cookie, enjoying the way it crumbled slightly. 

“Huh. Well, I’m glad to introduce you to your first baked good, Ranboo!” She joked, clapping her hands gently. “I’ll have to show you some more recipes later, they’re all really delicious. I’m a bit rusty, but there are definitely some I don’t think anyone could mess up!”

Ranboo nodded, keeping their mouth closed to savor the taste of the cookie. It was sweet, but there were chunks of something else that overshadowed the rest of it entirely. It was sickeningly sugary, but in a good way? They couldn’t help but search for more of the flavor. He swallowed, taking another bite of the cookie, this one much larger than the first. 

Niki giggled as she watched, enjoying a cookie of her own. Ranboo barely noticed, too focused on the flavor of the confection. They understood why Techno and Phil got so excited now- this was heavenly. He finished his entire cookie in minutes, and immediately mourned the loss of the flavor. They wanted more of that sweetness- it was absolutely incredible, whatever it was.

His attention was brought back to the room by Phil’s cackle and Techno’s quieter chuckle. “You sure went to town on those cookies, eh Ranboo?”

Ranboo blushed, embarrassed that Phil had brought it up.

“They’re- they’re really good.” He mumbled, sheepish.

The rest of the Syndicate burst into laughter at that, and Ranboo joined in as they realized the ridiculousness of the situation.

“You can have some more if you want, you know.” Niki offered him another cookie, which he took immediately. “You can even take some home, I have extra. I just need to make sure Techno and Phil get their fill, then you can have the rest if you’d like!”

Ranboo nodded, already taking a bite of their second cookie ever. Niki smiled softly.

By the time he’d finished his next cookie, a gently warm haze had settled over him. It wasn’t unlike being wrapped in a blanket, comforting pressure and a soft tingly feeling surrounding him, slowly pulling his body down with tiredness. 

The next thing they knew, another cookie was in their mouth, bursting with flavor and intensifying the tug at their bones. His eyelids were weighed down, his arms wanted to fall, but he kept raising them back up for another bite, he just had to get more of that heavenly sweetness. 

They were half aware of the eyes on them, Techno chuckling at them for some reason, Phil’s hand reaching out to pat their arm, the heat it left, almost burning but so soft, so comforting. His mouth felt odd, and it was becoming harder to chew, but he had to, something deep inside him yearned for more of the intoxicating sugary taste of the chips in the cookie. He barely noticed as his head fell, dropping to Phil’s shoulder, draping his weight onto the startled avian. 

Somebody was speaking, but their brain felt too fuzzy to hear anything, there was a soft buzzing all around them, surrounding and wrapping them up into a bundle of almost-too-much, bordering on overwhelming, but just quiet enough to leave them begging for more. His hands seemed like they were floating as he brought the cookie up to his mouth again, taking another bite. 

The buzzing around them intensified, and they snuggled into the soft blanket around them. It was warm, and blocked out the wavering static that was the room. Everything was nothing, but nothing was nothing, because everything had texture, sound, smell, touch, everything had something, so everything was something, but also nothing because it had no meaning, it didn’t make sense… ugh. Time for that to stop, please. He took another bite, simply letting the soft chips dissolve in his mouth, no energy to chew. Besides, it prolonged the lovely, soft soft soft flavor. The blanket shifted around them and they warbled in confusion, snuggling their head back into the fabric. Vision was too much right now, no thanks. He preferred just soft darkness, please. 

Another bite on instinct. The blanket moved again, something rumbling from somewhere else. They growled, that noise was too much, it should stop. Please stop. They just wanted darkness and quiet. His head was pounding, he just needed less, please. He needed less noise, less texture. Less movement. He gripped the blanket, wrapping his free hand around it and pulling it closer as his other arm raised the cookie to his mouth again. It was too floaty, they could barely control it. He couldn’t resist as something gripped it, moving it somewhere else, but he warbled in distress at the overwhelming texture. The pressure it brought was nice, but the grip was calloused and scratchy, irritating the bare skin of his hand. 

They growled as their cookie was taken away, and their world was plunged into overwhelming colors and sounds, flailing with little control, searching for it. He wanted it back. It was his, his cookie. Textures flashed around him, something smooth on his hand, something jarring on his arm, something painful at his head, an awful weight on his stomach, something burning his cheeks, a stretch in his jaw followed by a horrible, neverending static screech. They wished whoever was making that noise would just shut up, it was too loud, they couldn’t force enough control into their arms to block out the noise, all they could do was flail at their head, listen to the screeching intensifying as they accidentally hit their head in their lack of awareness. 

A pathetic warble sounded, sad and desperate, as vertigo wracked their body. Pain flared on their right side, and something crashed, but they could barely hear it for some reason- it was far, far away. He gratefully accepted the silent darkness, the lack of weight and pressure and the smooth, cold texture against his face, though that too was fading into a blissful emptiness. Now, finally, everything actually was nothing. Finally.

- - -

Phil hadn’t thought twice about asking Ranboo if he could actually eat all the ingredients in a cookie. He’d trusted Niki to know what she was doing, and Techno was just fine with most Overworld foods, so he hadn’t even considered that Ranboo might have some unexpected reaction. 

He’d smiled and patted Ranboo’s arm as they reached for their second cookie with glazed eyes, seemingly unaware of the dull, low static hum they were making. It sounded like some sort of odd purr, except it wasn’t intentional, which wouldn’t be too off brand for Ranboo- they’d started working to rid themselves of the instinct to mask their natural traits, with some encouragement. But this didn’t sound quite natural, it was just- off, somehow. Phil had never heard him make a noise quite like that. 

Techno and Niki had laughed with him at the reaction, thinking Ranboo was just enjoying the cookie, but then- their head had dropped, and Phil noticed their limbs seemed limp, they barely seemed in control. He kept taking bites of the cookie though, pausing his snuggling into Phil’s side. 

Okay, this was less funny. 

“Hey, Ranboo?” Phil prodded, poking at the kid’s side and shifting to try and pull him up. “Mate, are you okay?” 

They whined, pressing back into his side after taking another bite. Their movements were jerky, and their eyes stayed closed. 

“I don’t think he’s okay.” Techno stood up, rigid and shaking slightly as he bounced on his heels before approaching. “We shouldn’t let them keep eating that. I don’t think it’s good for them.”

Phil nodded, trying not to jostle Ranboo as they growled at the movement, bringing the cookie back and gripping at Phil’s robes. Techno reached out as gently as he could, stopping their arm before attempting to pry the cookie from their hand. Ranboo growled, and their claws extended, pricking Phil through his shirt and attempting to slash at Techno, falling short in their confusion. 

They jerked away from Phil, stumbling towards the table as a low screech left their mouth, intensifying as they fought blindly, trying to find Techno and screeching something in Endspeak so warbled Phil couldn’t even begin to decipher it with his- admittedly limited- knowledge of the language.

“Ranboo- calm down, what- Phil, what do I do?” Techno gasped, dodging the flailing limbs and pulling the cookie away as the staticky screech intensified. 

Before Phil could respond, mouth agape, Ranboo’s arms flew to their own head, whimpering softly before crumpling to the ground, and oh, if that didn’t break Phil’s heart-

“What…” 

Niki’s horrified sob broke the silence as they all stared at the poor hybrid on the floor.

“Crap. Uh, we should, like… Phil, what do we do-”

Everyone stood in silence, glancing from the kid on the floor to Phil. Oh shit, I’m the one in charge here. Fuck.

“Okay, alright, we’ll uhh… okay, we should check his pulse and all that shit, then we should probably take him to the cottage and make a plan from there, yeah?”

Niki dove down to check Ranboo’s pulse as soon as Phil mentioned it, slumping over in relief after a brief pause. 

“He’s still alive, his pulse is normal. I’m so, so sorry, I think this was my fault... “

“Hey, no.” Phil butted in, not interested in waiting for her to finish. “This is not your fault, none of us knew. Also, no offense, but we might not have time to wait. Let’s just deal with the situation first, then we can discuss it.” Phil allowed himself to finish speaking, then crouched to check for himself.

Ranboo’s pulse was there, like Niki had said, though it was a bit fast for his liking, especially since Ranboo’s was usually slower than the average person. He shifted his attention to checking for any injuries, though none seemed obvious aside from the mild scrapes on their palms. They could disinfect and bandage those later, they weren’t that serious. He seemed to be breathing just fine, deep and consistent. 

“Okay, they seem fine, let’s try to bring them back to the cottage now. Techno, d’you think you can carry him, mate?”

Techno nodded, scooping up the lanky teen with ease. 

“Phil, he’s practically burnin’ up. I think that’s important to know.”

Shit. That wasn’t good. Hopefully it was just something similar to what Techno got when he ate food that didn’t quite work for his system, though he’d never gone loopy like Ranboo did, at least not for a reason other than a fever. Hopefully that was all, there wasn’t much Phil could do if he didn’t know what was happening. 

The walk back to the cottage was tense, silent on the outside, but each member of the group had their own thoughts to focus on. Phil’s brain was going a mile a minute, catastrophizing and reassuring, trying to think of any possible thing to do. 

He needs to be by the fire, but he should definitely get a cold compress, maybe multiple… I can make some from snow and wrap them in towels so they don’t melt on him, if we need extras… they also need different food, maybe a bowl in case they need to get the cookie out of their system… definitely potions of healing, maybe some regeneration? No, that’s stupid, unless he’s bleeding those would just be a waste. Hopefully he doesn’t start bleeding- shit, what if he already is? …No, calm down, Techno would notice. It’s okay, focus. Focus. Just get as much as you can to help him. Maybe I can get- oh shit that’s the door.

Well, that would have to be enough thinking to keep Ranboo safe. Hopefully he’d thought of everything that could help.

The tense air seemed to follow as they entered the house, Techno and Phil falling into their usual ‘somebody is on the possible brink of death and we need to help them now’ routines. It was usually for each other, which led to some confusion when they both went to grab health potions at the same time, but it was relatively simple to figure out. 

Once Phil was sure they had gathered enough, he hurried back to where Niki had wrapped Ranboo in blankets on the couch next to the fire. They looked so small, bundled up and shivering, which was new. If he was being honest, Phil couldn’t tell whether that was a good or a bad sign. Regardless, they had a plan, and fuck if they weren’t going to carry it out.

Everybody else seemed unsure of what to do, standing awkwardly to the side, so he decided to take the initiative to position the icy compress on Ranboo’s forehead. Techno was right, the poor kid really was burning up. And for someone who normally ran cold- a helpful trait, in a tundra- it was worrying, to say the least. 

“...Is he gonna be okay?” Niki’s voice was heartbroken, so much so that Phil didn’t know if he could bear to turn and see her face.

“The kid’ll be fine, don’t worry. They’re tougher than they seem.” 

Oh thank fuck. Can he just figure this out, I don’t have the energy to deal with this situation too… 

“Phil, are you sure? You’d probably know better, since you’ve helped Techno…”

“Yeah, yeah mate, he’ll be totally fine. Techno’s different, but I promise, this is okay. We can figure out what went wrong when he wakes up, okay?” Ugh, that better be enough. Poor Niki, but I just can’t right now. 

“Speaking of that, we need to get this health potion to them somehow, and I really don’t want to just force it down their throat…” 

Oh thank fuck yet again, Techno really was his savior. Phil couldn’t wait for this mess to be over, he was still fuckin’ terrified. 

“Yeah, I’ll try to wake him up.” Phil nudged the poor kid’s side, trying to jostle them enough to get the job done. “C’mon, mate. We gotta help you, okay?”

His attempts were met with a staticky groan and a toss of the head. 

“I know, I know. We gotta help you, mate, I know it hurts but you can go right back to sleep, okay?” 

A couple more nudges and some prodding got their eyes open. Ranboo blinked slowly, whining softly and attempting to cover their eyes. 

“Phil, should I turn the lights down…?” Niki, always looking to help, suggested softly. 

“Sure, mate. That might be better.” Phil whispered quickly, before turning back to Ranboo. “Hey bud, we need you to drink this, okay?”

They blinked again as a health potion was pressed into their hands, but made no move to drink it.

“You need to drink. It’ll help.” Phil helped them raise the glass bottle, and they seemed to get the idea, bringing it the rest of the way and taking a sip. Their face scrunched up at the taste, and they coughed, which was concerning for multiple reasons- was their throat hurt, were they nauseous, would- no, focus on the moment. Phil picked up the bowl and held it ready for them, just in case, then urged them to drink more. He cringed away at first, but persistence proved effective. It took a while, but eventually, the bottle was empty and Ranboo was passed back out. 

“Well, I couldn’t see anything else wrong with them, it seems like it’s just some sort of… fucked up food poisoning response, I guess?” Phil shrugged, completely ready to shoo everyone away and fall asleep supervising the kid on his couch.

“I guess… I don’t know. I think I just… I need to think for a bit, I feel so guilty- I should probably go home.” Niki wiped at her eyes, sniffing softly as she tried to hide her emotions. 

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault though. Y’didn’t know, none of us did, he probably didn’t either. We’ll figure it out once he’s feeling better, d’you wanna come back tomorrow? You can check in again, we’ll take care of ‘em for the night.” Techno, hopefully sensing Phil’s exhaustion, began to attempt wrapping things up. 

“Yeah mate, we’ll let you know how he’s doing either way. You get some rest, alright? And again, like Techno said. It’s not your fault, and they’ll be fine.” Phil followed Techno and Niki towards the door, seeing her out.

“I guess… just let me know if anything changes, okay? And just… keep him safe for me. Keep a close watch, they might need it, and I’d hate for anything more to be my fault.”

“We will, we will. See you tomorrow, ‘kay?”

“Okay, bye…”

Fuck, finally.

As soon as the door closed, Phil let out the biggest sigh he thinks he’s ever held in. 

“You good?”

“Yeah, just… tired. It’s fine. That was just a lot, that’s all, mate.”

Techno nodded, stretching out his hands. “You should get some rest. I’ll watch Ranboo, okay? You’ve done a lot today.” Techno held his hand up, sensing the interruption. “And before you say no, I want to. I need to keep an eye on them, and besides, I’d be up reading either way.”

Phil took a breath, ready to speak, then nodded. 

“Thanks, mate.”

He took one last glance at the pile of blankets, trusting that Techno would take good care of them. Thank fuck. Phil was going to sleep a long, long time tonight.

- - -

The first word that came to Ranboo’s mind when he woke up was just, ouch. Everything hurt, their head throbbed, and everything was too hot but also too cold… is this what limbo feels like?

A harsh pain ran through his chest, causing a staticky pained warble to spill from his throat. He barely registered somebody moving somewhere nearby until a hand rested on his forehead. It was cold, heavenly- they couldn’t help leaning into it, they wanted that refreshing chill. Another warble bubbled from their chest as they nestled into the hand, turning desperate as the hand pulled away. I want that back, please… it was so nice… 

Another cool sensation encompassed his hands as something was pressed into them. It was smooth, reminded them of something… but they just couldn’t remember, what was it?

It ended up not mattering, as his hands were guided up and the Smooth was lifted to his mouth by the cool hands. Oh, I’m supposed to do something here… instinct took over as they let the Smooth be lifted and a liquid be poured. 

Okay, well that was- not pleasant. It stung, it was tingly and sweet, far too sweet. Their throat closed and refused to let it past, forcing them to splutter and cough, wincing as the jerking movement shot pain through their stomach. No more, no more please-

But the instinct to drink was still there. He had no idea why, but Ranboo felt like he had to drink it- drink! That’s what he was doing! What were they drinking, why- ugh. Their head hurt from thinking too hard, best just to let that be… they had to do something, they had to… drink, yes. He lifted the bottle again, gulping up more of the liquid, because he had to, but… shoot, why did he have to? It was gross… no, no. They had to. They had to, but why…? No, drink.

Eventually, without knowing why, he had finished the whole Smooth- bottle! It was a bottle, a smooth glass bottle! An excited warble trilled from his chest, but a wince cut it off as it jostled his stomach again. Ouch. Well, that was that. They’d drunk from a bottle. They’d finished it! A sweet, smooth bottle. A gross, sweet, smooth bottle. A gross, sweet, smooth, cold bottle. Yes. A sweet, smooth, cold bottle of… no, a sweet, gross- no, wait. A gross, smooth, s- wait, no, no. They’d forgotten something. A bottle… sweet, smooth… bottle… Why couldn’t they remember? A bottle… a smooth, sweet…. Smooth. Smooth. A sweet Smooth… something. A Something. Smooth. 

Smooth.

Chapter Text

Today was just… blegh. Ranboo knew as soon as he woke up that he didn’t want to do anything. Their loose pajama shirt was soft, but it exposed much more than they were comfortable with, and they couldn’t stand to risk anybody seeing them like this. Yeah, he was upstairs, which was private, but you could never be too careful, especially with something like this. It was dangerous to leave yourself exposed.  

So they slipped their binder on, wheezing slightly as they secured it, checking for any unwanted lumps. Usually he was fine, his suit was too big anyways, but today he felt especially nervous. Just thinking about being seen that way gave them goosebumps, and they had to suppress a shiver as they adjusted their hair. He really had to cut it, it was getting much too long. As much as they loved Technoblade’s urge to braid gold ornaments into their hair, it really did make them look much too feminine honestly, and they didn’t like that. 

That wasn’t to say that Technoblade looked feminine, obviously, because somehow he could wear the gaudiest of accessories and the most intricate of clothes but still look just- effortlessly masculine. Philza was the same way, wearing his hair long, earrings dangling from his ears, and covered with robes that fell to his ankles, which he had assured Ranboo was not inherently feminine.Still, it should have had that effect, but it just- didn’t. Ranboo was somehow the only person in the Antarctic Empire that didn’t look masculine enough, and he was the only one that knew why. Hopefully nobody else ever would, though. But it still hurt, and somebody was bound to notice, honestly.  

For now though, they could continue on as they had. Days like this weren’t uncommon, where they’d obsess over the way their shirt bunched up slightly, or the way their tie seemed just a bit too puffed out, but this was the first in a while. Ever since moving into his new house, he’d had much more privacy, much more time to relax and breathe. He’d been able to go on long mining trips, accompanied only by another on a call, unable to see him, which meant he’d had time to take his binder off so he could actually do the work he had to do. It was nice, having friends that didn’t need to be with you constantly, and having a bit more privacy meant they could loosen up about binding.

And so, for today, he would take some time to himself. They were too paranoid about the others perceiving them in the wrong way at the moment, so they’d isolate for a bit, probably cry a bunch, then they could hide the scars and join the rest tomorrow. Unless- well, he should probably check his memory book. Just in case.  

Padding over to his writing desk, Ranboo fidgeted with his hands as he flipped to the most recent page in his memory book to check and see if he had anything to do today.  

And- shoot. This was just, absolutely not what they’d wanted. Something must have it out for him, honestly. 

They’d forgotten that they’d planned to stock up on wood- they were completely out. This normally wouldn’t be an issue, but recently he’d been especially paranoid about… well, everything, but the idea of not being prepared was a major concern. For a moment, the dysphoria faded as their mind was filled with the fear of needing to start over with nothing again, having no plans, not having enough- welp, time to stop that. He would not let himself fall into that spiral again, not this week, no thank you. He’d just deal with this feeling of absolute terror and get some wood, maybe collect some more saplings for an emergency farm they’d planned earlier that week in a similar panic.  

Welp. All they could do was prepare, really. The biggest sweatshirt he owned, the strongest binder he could fit on, the warmest coat he had that didn’t make his shape look wrong.

It would be okay. They would be okay. But… all the coats they owned made them look, just- blegh. It’d be a short trip, right…? Only a couple stacks of logs? 

Worst comes to worst, he gets a bit too cold… or he gets found out, loses everyone he’d ever considered a friend, as well as a home, and potentially everything he’d ever owned except for his memory book and whatever he could sneak out.  

Uh. They’d been through it before? And they were prepared. Nobody would even see him sneak out to collect anyways, he could play it off. It would be fine. They were prepared.  

And so he continued. It would be fine, he’d done this type of work in a binder before. They could just get a couple stacks and then leave, just enough to last until they could head out another day. Right? Yeah. Yeah, that’d work. They’d hide after and take some time to recover, mostly physically, but probably mentally too. He’d be okay. He had to be.

--- 

Okay, so maybe he wouldn’t be just fine. Phil had immediately waved to him as he scurried past the cottages and they just… hadn’t been able to bring themselves to even consider putting anything over their suit now that they felt so horrible and paranoid about everything. It wouldn’t be enough protection from the cold, Phil would be mad, but he had to wear it, it was the right shape, it made him the right shape…  

“Hey, Ranboo? You doin’ okay, mate?” Philza nudged his shoulder gently. Ranboo startled, subtly flinching away in fear and hugging his arms over his chest. They hadn’t noticed him walking over, they must have been zoning out…  

“Uh, yeah, just- just, uh… just going to get- get some, uh- wood. Some wood.” Oh End, that was a terrible response. It wasn’t even a lie but Phil would still be suspicious, what was he even thinking- 

“Okay, but that coat won’t protect you, mate. I can go with you, if you want, but you can’t go like that… you know that you don’t notice you’re cold easily, it’s not safe to put yourself at risk like that, okay?” Phil patted their shoulder gently, which just- they knew it wasn’t meant to make them uncomfortable, probably the opposite, but… still. It took energy and confidence he didn’t have to pull away, but he couldn’t resist wishing he could just run. 

If only Phil knew. Well, it was good that he didn’t, but Ranboo couldn’t help wishing they’d already gotten this over with.  

“Uhm, yeah, my bad I just- I forgot, and I’m only going for a bit. I just need to have- I just need enough to… to-” Shoot, he couldn’t just tell Phil he was that paranoid, he needed an excuse. “To build a dog house!” he blurted out, far too loud, tilting his head up to avoid seeing Phil’s expression and hiding his anxious hands behind his back. 

Shoot. That wasn’t what they’d meant to say, now they’d have to do that too, or Phil would judge them. He didn’t need a dog house. He didn’t even have dogs. Now he’d have to do both of those things, and it was all his fault.  

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a dog! Do you want help building? I have free time; I need to take a break from clearing out the training room. It’s too boring down there.” Phil chuckled, likely hoping to make Ranboo more comfortable, but it just had the same effects as his previous attempts.  

Ranboo froze, indecisive. Should I let him join, just say I don’t need much? How will I hide? I can’t just deny him, that would be rude…  

A distressed warble escaped their throat, somehow bypassing the instinct to be quiet at all times. Their hands flapped softly by their sides, confused and disoriented.

“Hey, hey mate, no pressure, I’m sorry…”  

Hands gripped his shoulder again, and it felt just as bad as before, just as scary, but he couldn’t hide it this time, it was too much-

“Don't touch me!” A desperate shriek escaped their throat, high and screeching. His body lurched away on instinct, arms flailing and prepared to fight, to defend, to hide. They turned away from the feeling, away from the touch, away from the fear. 

The hands immediately pulled back, and the static faded. 

He panted for a moment, disoriented. 

Shoot.

“Uhm-” Oh End, what could they say? There was no excuse for that. Shoot. “I, I uhm- sorry…” 

Phil shuffled, somewhere out of their view, reminding them they were still turned around. Whoops. “Hey, mate, I’m sorry. That was my fault, I should have remembered to ask. Are you okay?”

Another confused warble left his chest at that. What did that even mean?

“I usually ask before touching people, it slipped my mind, ‘Boo. I’m sorry. You don’t have to be okay, I can give you a break if you want. I will ask you to wear a coat or something if you want to be outside, though.” 

Ranboo whined, frustrated at the situation. How had this even happened? Phil shouldn’t be apologizing for something perfectly normal. He should have just worn a coat. Then all this would have been avoided.

But the texture of a coat, the shape it would make them… no. No, no, no. Their hands flapped at their sides again, frustrated. He had no good options. He wanted out. Their arms traveled up to their face as their frustration built. Why had this happened, why to him?

Phil made a sympathetic noise as he made his way back to Ranboo’s field of vision. “Mate, no worries, I’m sorry. Can I ask what’s wrong? Am I talking too much, or is it something else?”

They flushed, embarrassed that this had turned into a situation. 

“C- coat.” He managed to choke out, shuddering and shaking his head as his voice scraped against his throat in a way that just felt wrong. 

“Do you need a coat? Or do you not want one?” Phil held up two hands for each response, as he always did when they got like… whatever this was. Ranboo let a low hum of frustration escape their throat to clear the wrong that speaking had brought as they jerked their arm towards the second hand.

“Okay, I’m sorry, Boo. Do you want to go back inside and wait for a better time to get wood, or is it urgent?”

He whined in frustration again as he repeated the shaky response to the second hand. This was so frustrating, he needed the wood, he needed it, but the thought of a coat made his skin crawl and his hands convulse at his sides, itching to fix the shape of his body.

“Okay, is it that you need to go to get wood, or you need to have wood? Does the journey matter, or do you just need wood to do something?” 

They paused, rocking as they considered so they could think better. He hadn’t even wanted to go outside at all, so probably the second option? They imagined just having the wood in their hands to confirm, and indicated Phil’s second hand as the desperation settled into their chest. They needed the wood, and they needed it now. He needed to be safe. He needed the wood.

Phil interrupted the whining hum in the air around them as he spoke again. “Can I give you some wood? Would that be okay?”

Something was set loose in him as relief flooded into their chest. He nodded shakily, continuing his rocking. 

“Okay, is a couple stacks good? Or do you want more?”

Well, they really wanted more, it would feel safer, but honestly all they wanted right now was the basics. They wanted the security of having the basics. He nodded, reaching for Phil's first hand. They made sure to pull away before the hands made contact. 

“Alright, mate! Come with me to my house and I can get you some, okay?” A nod. “Niki’s there right now, we’re making a cake, I’ll let her know that today’s a bit of an overwhelming day for you, okay? You can also have some if you’d like, once it’s done.” A second nod. Cake sounded alright, and Niki was always nice. He hummed in contentment, a soothing middle-ranged note. 

Phil nodded in response and started walking in the direction of the cottage. Ranboo followed. 

Phil lowered the lights as they entered, which Ranboo appreciated. It was much softer that way. 

He looked around the house for a moment before following Phil again. He rooted through some chests, Ranboo standing awkwardly to the side and fidgeting quietly. Something smelled amazing. It was much nicer than the sharp air outside or the empty smell of his own house. Eventually, Phil pulled out three stacks of oak wood and handed it to them. They blinked before realizing they had to take it, sticking it in their inventory. He paused for a second after, trying to figure out how to thank the man before bringing his hand to his chin and signing the phrase. Something inside his chest felt much lighter. They squeezed their eyes shut, puffing up to express relief.

Phil laughed as Ranboo warbled in relief at having the wood, then reached out to adjust their shirt for them, but paused, likely remembering how they’d gotten to this situation. 

“Hey mate, your shirt got untucked.” He indicated the end of Ranboo’s shirt. They jumped away from his hand, eyes widening and darting to Phil’s face before avoiding his eyes. “Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you, mate.”

Ranboo shook his head, fixing it himself. That had been close, they didn’t want Phil to touch them, they didn’t want him to notice just why the shirt had come untucked. He definitely didn’t want him to see the fabric underneath the shirt and realize what exactly it concealed. They would have to be more careful, remember to stay more closed off. Stop letting their body move of its own accord. 

His jaws snapped shut as he realized he’d been whining again. No more noises, no more movements. Stay normal and they won’t figure you out.

Phil hesitated, hand still raised, before dropping it and turning to close the chest behind him. 

“Alright, I’m gonna go back to Niki, okay? You’re welcome to join us, if you’d like, but you can do what you want.” His bones cracked as he stood up, pausing after he spoke to laugh. “Old man bones, ignore that. There’s no chocolate in the cake, by the way.”

Ranboo nodded. He kind of liked the cracking sound, when it wasn’t painful to anyone. They liked to crack their knuckles when they were nervous. It was sometimes misinterpreted by others as threatening, but when he’d confessed that to Techno when they were talking, the man had laughed it off and said that Ranboo could never be threatening. It had been relieving in the moment, but now they thought about that whenever they did it and wondered if they looked pathetic instead. It seemed to make sense, pathetic was a common descriptor for his actions. 

Wait, how long had they been standing there? He blinked and looked around. Phil was gone, and the nice smell was stronger. Whoops, he must have zoned out. Welp, they had wood? That was nice. They’d accomplished their goal for the day. Unless he’d planned on doing something else? 

A quick glance at their memory book confirmed that they were done. Huh, he could do what he wanted now. 

They paused, considering. As soon as the choice was theirs to make, all the options seemed gone. 

Hey, the baking smells nice.

Hm. Was he allowed? Could he join them, and if he did, would he get any? Phil had told them it was chocolate-free, there was probably a reason for that, right? Well, it couldn’t hurt to try, besides- had they even had anything to eat today? Huh. Whoops, he didn’t think he had.

Ranboo was padding across the hallway towards the kitchen before he could even consider further, pulled towards the promise of warmth and comfort. The lights were slightly brighter than the nearly-dark lamps from the storage room and front hallway, but it was probably because it’s hard to bake if you can’t see much. They were still dimmer than their usual piercing brightness though, which was nice. 

He would have wondered if it was on purpose, but a shuffling from behind him nearly startled a shriek out of their throat before they could slap a hand over their mouth.

“Crap, sorry kid. Didn’t mean to, uh… my bad.” 

Ranboo whirled around, deflating slightly at the low rumble of Technoblade’s voice. He nodded, flexing his hands to dispel the tension. 

“Oh, are you guys interested in helping now that it’s time to lick the batter?” Niki joked from behind Ranboo (seriously, what was it with people sneaking up on him today?).

Techno snorted as Ranboo blushed. They hadn’t meant to leave all the work to Niki and Phil, it wasn’t their fault they’d just… okay, well maybe the zoning out was, even if a little voice that sounded suspiciously like Phil argued that it wasn’t. 

Unfortunately, his entire body lived only to spite him, and his stomach decided now was the perfect time to demand food. 

Phil and Niki burst into raucous laughter and he flinched, pressing his hands to his ears again and suppressing a whine. 

They seemed to notice quickly, quieting to small chuckles as Phil made his way over with the batter bowl and two spoons. 

“Clearly someone’s hungry, so you two can help yourselves, if you’d like.” Ranboo watched in confusion as he offered a spoon to each of them. 

They tilted their head, warbling in confusion. Sure, they hadn’t exactly done a lot of baking with the rest of the Syndicate, or even at all, honestly, but this seemed absurd. Weren’t you not supposed to eat it until it was baked?

Technoblade jumped in quickly, chuffing with excitement- nobody dared to point it out, but they all saw how invested he was in explaining the wonders of cake batter to them. 

“It’s the best thing ever Ranboo, this is the batter that makes the cake- I prefer chocolate cake but, I mean, I guess I don’t mind not almost killing you because of your allergies, so we can have vanilla. Just this once. Phil always gives me the batter while the cake is baking, it’s literally a godsend. Ranboo, you’re gonna love this.” He rambled as Phil passed the bowl over, immediately sticking his spoon in and scooping out a bite, but waiting to finish speaking before eating it. “Let’s go sit in the living room, we can be out of their way.” 

Ranboo nodded, accepting his spoon and following Technoblade. If the batter tasted anywhere near as good as the scent of the cake in the oven, they wouldn’t mind helping to finish the bowl, of course. He was just helping Technoblade, that was all. Just- keeping him company. Yeah. 

Technoblade made his way to the living room and draped himself over a chair with a graceless sigh, placing the bowl in the middle of the table. Ranboo sat across from him so they could both reach the bowl, that seemed to have been what Technoblade intended? It was slightly uncomfortable because due to the positioning of their faces it was hard to avoid eye contact, but they could put up with it. Besides, Technoblade seemed to understand their aversion to it, if not relate, which was reassuring. 

He shifted uncomfortably as his binder constricted his chest at the movement. Technoblade seemed to take this as anxiety, and let out a calming chuff, offering the bowl to them. Ranboo paused before sticking his spoon in and scooping up some of the remaining batter as Technoblade had done. He paused again as if waiting for approval, then realized the piglin across from him was too distracted by his own spoonful. 

Cautiously, they tasted the contents of their scoop. It was sweet, slightly lumpy with small clumps of sugar. The flavor was delicious, but he took some comfort in noticing the differences between his appreciation for this batter as opposed to the intoxication chocolate would thrust upon him. It was just a normal appreciation for food, that was all. 

Honestly, it was pretty good. They glanced up at Technoblade cautiously, watching him take another scoop and mimicking the action.

They continued like that for a while, each waiting for the other to be ready before taking more. Ranboo had a feeling Technoblade wouldn’t usually put this much energy into making things equal, and it was a bit unnecessary, but he appreciated it regardless. The routine was simple and easy to fall into, and the batter was definitely worth the slight stress it took to get it. 

Eventually, the bowl was pretty much scraped clean- there were only a couple scoops left, and by that point, Philza and Niki had walked into the room. 

Phil had laughed at the state of the bowl, commenting on how thorough they were, and Ranboo let a smile form on their face even though they were embarrassed. 

Technoblade had batted Phil’s arm in return, arguing that it would have just gone to waste otherwise. Phil had relented afterwards, stealing one of the last scoops for himself and laughing at the scandalized look on Technoblade’s face. 

For a while, Ranboo watched them interact quietly, rocking slightly in his seat. It was actually nice to be around people, when there was no pressure to interact. Their conversation was entertaining, though disorganized, and he found himself contributing nods and hums, sometimes small rebuttals or agreements if he felt like it. Slowly but surely, they ended up enjoying themself.

Of course, there came a time when that had to come to an end, though. 

“So, you feelin’ better, mate?” Phil had prodded, glancing slightly at them. Ranboo appreciated his avoidance of direct eye contact, but it somehow still made them go rigid. He nodded slowly, trying to seem smooth and unaffected. “D’you mind talking about what got you so upset? Or is it still difficult?”

They shrugged, unable to say no, because that would be just, so incredibly rude. He didn’t want to explain, but at this point he was so tired, he didn’t have the energy to refuse. 

Phil nodded, continuing. “So, was there any particular reason you needed to build… a dog house, was it? And was there any other reason you were upset, or just that?” 

Ranboo froze, unsure of what to say. In a panic, they chose to lie in an attempt to protect themself. “Um, I- I just really want a dog house…?” 

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Are you telling me, or yourself? If I’m wrong let me know, but I think you might not be telling the truth. I won’t force you to explain, but just know that if you don’t explain to us, we can’t help. There might be future misunderstandings and I’d like to understand this before that happens.” 

Huh. Phil was right, logically, but, in a way, that’s why it was weird. People weren’t supposed to make sense when they talked about this. They were supposed to be confused, upset- scared. They were supposed to yell at him and say he made no sense. 

Then again, Phil never did quite do what other people did. None of the Syndicate was predictable in that way- they’d understand things they shouldn’t. So maybe they’d be okay? 

So… besides, he had his wood. He could leave if he needed to. He had his wood now.

“I… uhm. Oh geez, I thought this would be easier to explain, uhm- I needed wood. I need the wood, I need to have- enough? People don’t usually understand, it’s weird when you do. I-” They paused, taking a deep breath. “I need wood- and well, like, anything I could need- so that I can have enough, if- if I’m alone. I don’t want to be unprepared. I want to have enough, for… for if I’m kicked out. If I need to leave.”

The silence was painful when they paused, so they spoke to fill it. 

“It’s like, I- When I lost my home last time, and probably before I guess because, well, I can’t remember it, but I’ve always done this, so maybe only this part carried over- but I need to have enough resources for if I need to start over. I’m used to running when I need to. I get upset when I might not be ready.”

He chanced a look up at the rest of the group, to see what they were thinking. Maybe to prepare in case he needed to run, he couldn’t tell. 

They were met by expressions they couldn’t decipher. Technoblade was looking down, hands squeezing the fabric of his cape. Phil’s eyebrows were furrowed and tilted, and his lips were pinched together like he wanted to say something. In the end, Niki spoke first.

“I know how you feel, ‘Boo.”

It was one sentence. One simple sentence, but it was all it took for them to burst. He hadn’t realized how much he was keeping in, apparently, because suddenly tears were forcing their way from his eyes.

He managed to warble questioningly, trying to understand. How could she know?

“When L’Manberg… when it, uh… y’know- when it- happened, I guess? I was not… doing the best, actually? Well, obviously nobody was, but… anyways. I think I just, like, snapped, and I kind of just hoarded everything I had and wanted to keep. I made a whole city underground, just for me, to stay safe and stuff, I guess. I felt like I had to keep building it and keep it completely safe and everything, and it was so tiring, but I panicked if I didn’t do it, so… I know how you feel, and all that.” She glanced at Technoblade and Phil, pausing. “Not that I’m still mad, but… well, Doomsday left its marks on all of us.”

Ranboo suddenly became aware of tears dripping their way down his face, sizzling and searing into his skin. Phil and Technoblade were completely still, their expressions complicated. A desperate warble escaped their throat, which Niki seemed to understand. 

She made her way over to him and slowly wrapped her arms around his shaking body. They let their tears be absorbed in the soft fabric of her sweater, lessening the pain to a dull prickle. They stayed like that for a while, shifting every so often to make sure his face didn’t start burning again. 

That was, until Technoblade cleared his throat.

“Hey so like, I get that y’all are having bonding time or whatever, but- hey!” He was cut off as Phil smacked his arm.

“What Tech’ means to say is, we’re glad you talked about this, but we would like to say some things, too.” 

Ranboo uncurled from his spot in Niki’s arms, trying to listen. 

“We’re very sorry you feel that way, because you’re one of us, and we never want one of our own to feel like they aren’t welcome here, no matter what. We would never kick out a member of our- our family.” A silence fell at the admission of the closeness they’d all felt. Nobody objected, so he continued. “This is a difficult question, but is there any particular reason you felt like you’d be kicked out, mate? We’d love to be able to help where we can, even if it’s just some reassurance.”

They immediately shot up as he said that, reminded of why this started, why he couldn’t be too close to them, why they couldn’t touch him. He jerked out of Niki’s arms, panicked, before a pang ran through his ribs. Ouch, sobbing his heart out probably wasn’t the best activity to do in a binder, actually. Especially not one that was at least a size too small, given how old it was. They did their best to suppress a wince and a hiss of pain, but it was just so sudden and shocking, it slipped out before they could realize. 

Now everyone’s attention was clearly on him, and he had no idea what to do.

“Uh…”

“Ranboo, what’s hurting you?” Technoblade asked, though it sounded more like a statement than a question. There was no doubt in his voice that he’d figure out the issue- and it was terrifying. 

“I- nothing, it’s just, uh…” They trailed off, unsure of how to escape this situation. “Uhhh I fell?” 

Phil raised an eyebrow.

“Fine, sorry- sorry. Uh. I just… Can I say no?” 

“Mate, as much as I’d love to give you privacy on this, if it’s hurting you, I really can’t. We’ll help you with whatever you’ve gotten yourself into, okay?” 

His words just brought tears to Ranboo’s eyes. If only he knew. Well… he would, probably. It wasn’t like they could have kept this for long. It wasn’t like they could have kept this family for long. 

“It’s- binder. It’s a binder.” He blurted out, squeezed his eyes shut, and balled up his fists, ready to- well, he didn’t know, honestly. Run? Fight? 

But neither of those happened.

“Okay.” Phil nodded, and though Ranboo couldn’t will himself to look at Niki or Technoblade, neither seemed to have much of a reaction.

He blinked, willing the tears threatening to fall back into his eyes. 

“O-okay?” It couldn’t be true. Phil must be lying, he must not have heard right, or something… 

“That’s okay, Ranboo. We’re not upset at you.” Phil lifted his arms in a placating gesture, and Ranboo breathed a sigh of relief. Niki chimed up in agreement.

“Yeah, what kind of family would we be if we were upset at you for that?” She emphasized the sentiment by opening her arms for a hug, which they dove into. This time, he didn’t bother to stop the tears. After all, he was with family.